Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - How to Share Secrets on Drag Race (w/ Shangela)

Episode Date: June 14, 2019

D.J. 'Shangela' Pierce (RuPaul's Drag Race, A Star is Born) discusses his struggles with dating, getting picked up by fans, and describes his perfect partner. Plus, Shangela shares how drag queen share secrets on the set of Drag Race, and who he's rooting to be cast on the next season.Be sure to check out Shangela's podcast, Shangela.For more drag queens on Why Won't You Date Me, check out our episode playlist on Spotify: https://spoti.fi/3fg8EpuYou can play along and see Nicole's Tinder bio and photos on her Facebook page at: https://www.facebook.com/pg/NicoleByerComedyBe sure to rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Leave a dirty comment for a chance have it read on-air.Follow Nicole Byer:Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdatesTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerFacebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedy

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Ooh baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how she's still single, even though you can call me racial slurs and then make me cum. Oh, boy. Ooh, I'm running low on these.

My guest today, you know him, you love him. He was on RuPaul's Drag Race twice. RuPaul's Drag Race All Stars. Also, got a podcast called Shangela. You hosted the GLAAD Awards in New York. You were in A Star is Born. You steal the show. And then you were the first drag queen to attend the Oscars.

Also, you got to perform Beyonce in front of Beyonce. Oh, baby, it's DJ Pierce, aka Shangela. Hallelujah. Oh, yes, Miss Hallelujah. I am so excited that you're here. You are not a fangirl. You are one of my favorite queens. You have done iconic things. When you were eliminated, you were wearing corn and Rue just kept going, corn, corn. And honestly, you went out an icon. You are the original queen to be eliminated and then have like a catchphrase, the corn. I love it. And then I got to judge Drag Race and see you in person. And you did this. Oh, the episode I got to do. You dressed as Beyonce pregnant with the twins and you stomped down the runway. And it was we all gasped like we were shook. It was beautiful. Oh, Shangela, thank you so much for being here. Oh, I love all that glowing intro. Hallelujah. Again. I live. Thank you. I'm happy to be here.

So, Shangela, do you prefer DJ or Shangela? What? Well, my name is DJ Pierce. It stands for Darius Jeremy Pierce. But no one calls me Darius or Jeremy. They call me DJ. But when I tell people

my name's DJ or Shangela, they think it's DJ Shangela. So I get asked all the time, like, do you DJ? And I'm like, no. So Shangela is easy, honey. I answer to everything except prostitute. And that's where we're different.

You could call me a prostitute all day long, and I'll charge you. See? Oh, I'll charge you. Oh, see, I ain't got no money, so we ain't going to be able to make it. But, you know, if I'm walking down the street, somebody yells, Shangela, I'll turn. They say, DJ, I'll turn. They say, prostitute, I'm going to keep on walking.

You keep walking. So here's a question, not about relationships or anything. Do people scream things at you in the street? Yes. Do you enjoy it? It depends if I'm in a rush going to where I'm going. Like in the airport, for example, I'm always running behind. So I'm like, ooh, let me find C-22.

And I'm like running and they'll be like, Shanzel, hallelujah. Or they'll say, La Cui Fon. I turn and say, what? And as I'm like, ooh, let me find C22. And I'm like running and they'll be like, share the holly loo. Or they'll say, la cuifo. And I turn and say, what? And as I'm running, what baby?

And just keep it moving. You are a very good sport. I hear people yell at me. Oh, I hate it so much. It's jarring. It is. And sometimes it scares me. People like to touch me.

So I'm always scared that a scream is going to come and then a hand is going to come and you're going to pull me somewhere where I don't want to go. Well, see, I'm tiny. So they like to pick me up. People love to, like, if they give you a hug, then take that hug and then lift you into there. And I'm like, and now I'm like hanging there.

And I'm like, let me down. Please let me go. Oh, I got to say, don't pick up Shangela, please. If you see Shangela on the street, please don't pick her up. Don't do that. May I ask, are you single? I am currently single, yes. Ooh, are you ready to mingle?

Girl, I've been ready to mingle since 2009, okay? I've been mingling. I am Christian Mingle, the original Christian, the original Mingle. Hallelujah. Are you on the apps? No, I'm not. Okay. Because I haven't signed up on Tinder yet.

I had a couple friends that had good experiences on there, so I'm, like, considering it. But, you know what happened is, like, I used to have Grindr and I used to have, like, other dating apps, I guess. Scruff. Yeah. Adam for Adam like Adam up but what happened is it became like a meet and greet

like people would see me on there because I'm going to use my own photo you know I'm not one of those people like no photo or like another photo

I'm using my picture and I'll never forget my drag daughter Liam aka Bambi she goes well she's like 22 right

and I'm not 22 so I'm like well, she's like 22, right? And I'm not 22. So I'm like looking, and she's like, she calls me mom. Mom, look at your, why does your profile say working? You look like a prostitute. And I'm like, no, my song is working, girl. That's why I say like working. It's spelled with a Q.

And he's like, no. No, no, no, no, no. No. So it just became people would be like, are you Shangela? And I have to answer, oh, yes. Yes. No, you're not. Yes, no. No. So it just became people would be like, are you Shangela? And I have to answer, oh, yes. Yes. No, you're not.

Yes, I am. Mm-hmm. Prove. Okay, girl, I ain't got time for all this. Yes. I came over here for a trade, a love, a date. What's the last date you've been on? I was recently, well, the last date I was on, I don't think the other guy knew it was a date.

Oh, no. That was uncomfortable. Yeah, I thought it was a date. Like, I invited him, and he's like, yeah, let's do it. And so I got us tickets to a show, like a Broadway show in New York. So these are expensive. Ooh, what show? Well, if I say that, then I think.

Never mind. It was a show. There was people on stage. That's Broadway. Yeah. So as he's listening to this podcast, he's like, wait a minute, it was a date? It was a date? I didn't know. I was excited for it. I was like,

okay, I've known this guy for a while. He's really attractive. Let's go and see if we have a great time together. Maybe we have chemistry. Well, when we meet up at the theater, he showed up with another guy. Maybe his guy from the night before, he was dropping him off

and then the guy's like oh my god Shangela and I'm like hi he's like we have a picture together from January and I'm like great he's like can we get another so I'm like is this

like am I now doing a meet and greet with the guy who just hooked up with the guy that I think I'm about to go on a date with and then between

the two shows because you know this show is a two part okay I'm giving it all away now it's Harry Potter I want to see Harry Potter so between the two shows there's a break between the two shows, because, you know, this show is a two-part. Okay, I'm giving it all away now. It's Harry Potter, girl. I want to see Harry Potter.

So between the two shows, there's a break between the two of them. And he's like, let's go get, like, I'm going to cook for you. Well, if someone says they're going to cook for you, that sounds like a dainty, right? He's like, I'm going to, I'm classic Puerto Rican. I want to cook Puerto Rican food for you. Let's go to my house. Between, I'm like, oh, I'll go to your house. But I'm like, that's fine.

Let's go eat at your place. It's so nice. And we go there, and then the guy shows up again. And the guy that I was hanging out with, let's call it that now, because that's what it is at this point, was like, oh, my ear has been hurting. And the guy's like, babe, let me put you the eardrops in. So I'm literally sitting in there on the couch while he lays his head in this other guy's lap. And he's like dropping eardrops.

Like, babe, I told you. And I'm like, is this his boyfriend? Like, I was so confused. And then we still had to go back to the second show together. But at this point, I'm like, okay, we're just going to stay in the friend zone, which is totally fine because he's such a nice guy. And he's like, oh, I ordered you a gift. He ordered me like this new robe. He's like, your current robe that you get in makeup in is too zone, which is totally fine because he's such a nice guy. And he's like, oh, I ordered you a gift. He ordered me this new robe. He's like, your current robe that you get in makeup

in is too much makeup on it. You need a black one. And this is really cool. And he had all these skincare products for me. And I'm like, thank you. It's so nice. But it apparently wasn't a date. It was not a date. It was just like an ultimate fan experience. VIP.

Truly, that is the most VIP thing I can think of. Oh, that sucks. I don't think I've ever been on a date where we all didn't know it was a date. Because I'm very forward maybe to a fault. Okay. I like to be like, are we going to fuck? And then they say yes, and then we go out. I did go to a Broadway show with someone.

We went and saw The Color Purple. He was a white dude, and I had free tickets. And did go to a Broadway show with someone. We went and saw The Color Purple. He was a white dude, and I had free tickets, and I was like, you'll like it. You like me. You must like the blacks. So not a great show to see on a date because the Broadway show has a little bit of incest in it. It's like a heavy play.

Yeah. And then it kind of brought down the mood. Then I got too drunk and then went back to his house. And then that was the first time I rode a man. I was about 20, 21. I just hadn't done it. I was, I still am. I was a big girl. It was a scared to get in the saddle. I say, you know what I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna hop in the saddle. And I did. And I looked him in the eyes and I said, you know what? I'm going to do it. I'm going to hop in the saddle. And I did. And I looked him in the eyes. And I said, I've never done this before. He did not like that. It really killed the mood.

And then I slept at his place. And I farted during the night. And then I thought I woke him up. And then I got really scared. And then he walked me to the train. And I never saw him again. Girl, well, at least you got to stay over. You must have lived far.

Yeah, he was in Queens. And I was in Harlem. OK. So that's the M60 bus. He was in Queens and I was in Harlem. Okay. So that's the M60 bus. He was like, I ain't going to put her on the bus. Even though she done killed the mood tonight, I ain't going to put this bitch on the bus. Let me go home. If he's listening, thank you very much for not putting me on a bus.

That would be so sad to have like a terrible date, bad sex, and then have to ride home, like do the bus ride to shame home. Girl. And just looking out the window, forlorn. Like you were Jada Pinkett Smith in that last scene in Set It Off. Yes! Set It Off is one of my favorite movies. Mine too.

Oh, the way, I'm giving it away. The way Queen Latifah dies is the way I want to die. Hello, in a blaze of glory. In a blaze of glory with like a very strong face and like, she gets shot so many times. And then it wasn't over. Remember, she still gets

out the car after you're like, oh, they done shot up Quinn. And she did. And she got guns ablaze it. She did. And then she seizes up and then she hits the floor. She's like,

you can like hear it even though you can't hear it. Oh, I love it. I met Latifah recently. Did you? At the Oscars after party Oh, I love it. I met Latifah recently. Did you? At the Oscars after party, the Governor's Ball. I was in there, and I'm sitting with Jennifer Lewis and Mark Shaman. They're going off to go dance.

So I'm sitting there by myself, and up walks the queen. And I went, Queen Latifah. And she goes, oh, hey, Shangela. I know who you are. And girl, I could have hit the, I think I did. And I was in the gown, still in drag. I've been in drag ever since 1 p.m. It is now 10.30.

Coercited in awe, not peeing for nine and a half hours. You looked beautiful. Thank you. You looked stunning. It was such a joy to see you at the Oscars because you deserved it. Like, you worked so hard. Also, you were truly the funniest parts of the movie. You and Willem were so funny.

And then who else was in there? I think, oh, maybe it was just the two of you guys who had lines as the queens. But, oh, you're just so funny. You really are. I cannot wait till, I feel like you should have your own show. People say that to me all the time. I'm hoping that that continues to happen. I've been working on, actually right now, I'm writing a project, a feature, a film with

my friend Debra Dean Davis, who wrote the movie It Takes Two. With the Ulster twins? Yes, Mary-Kate and Ashley Ulster. Oh, my God. So she has been writing for a number of years, but we partnered up on this project right now. So hopefully that'll take off really well. And, you know, I'm just going to stay out there and keep auditioning and, you know, something will come along. I think it's really interesting how mainstream drag is, but also not mainstream enough.

Like, where's the next Chowang Fu? Where's the next Priscilla Queen of the Desert? Hopefully I'm riding it. Hallelujah. Hallelujah. I hope so. Do you find dating to be—you're very famous, and you're very beloved. I think that's odd to me.

Do you find dating—you find it odd? Well, people say that to me all the time that I don't really realize how famous I am because I am always shocked when people, especially outside the LGBT community, know who I am or stop me, especially when I'm not in drag.

But I have to remember we're on the show, Drag Race, in and out of drag as well. But yeah, that's, yeah, because I drive the same car I've had since college. I'm low-key fish. I'm from Paris, Texas. Easy breezy.

Wait, what kind of car do you have? An Explorer. A Ford Explorer. Yes! I'm from Texas, girl. Oh, I love a big truck. Oh, I love that. I love how humble, so okay,

I, full disclosure, was late today and you had no issues with it. You're very, let's see, you humble? Is that a word? I don't know. Chill. Chill. You're very chill.

I'm in a sweatshirt today in 90-degree weather. I mean, I'm wearing a sweater that I put on in my car while my seatbelt was on, so when I got out of the car, I was, like, tethered to my car. I'm a mess. I put this wig on as I was driving down the 101. Yes, oh I've done it, honey, trust me. I was going to meet Tyra Banks one time and we were running a little late

and I was like, oh I can't be late for Tyra. So I told my assistant, baby I'm going to finish painting in the front seat. Please warn me when you're going to hit a bump because I got liquid liner. And so I had to put my wig on right there outside her studio where they were filming America's Got Talent. But I did it.

Did you do America's Got Talent? No, but they invited me over to come and meet Tyra. You know, I mentioned her during All Stars 3 in like a fake little monologue thing that we had. And she responded to a tweet of mine with a DM. And it was like, hey, it's me, Tyra. And I'm like, this can't be the real tired so you know you go check the account

and you're looking and I'm like oh my god she's like yeah come over to AGT sometime and I was like yeah anytime you know just anytime

she's like alright tomorrow and I'm like oh damn you're like well you said I said anytime anytime is tomorrow

and she was like get in if you want to come and drag and we'll take some pictures and play together and I was like oh my god

yes that's so much fun can we talk about your relationship with Jennifer Lewis want to come and drag and we'll take some pictures and play together. And I was like, oh my God, yes. She was so nice. Can we talk about your relationship with Jennifer Lewis? I love how close you guys are. You live with her, right? I still live in the, well, I call it the pool house. She calls it the dungeon. But we compromise at the lower level. But yeah, I'm so thankful. I've lived there for like nine years. I'm not going to move until she kicks me out. So rent control, hey.

I know. I love me some rent control. She is so funny. She's hilarious. She's just like that in real life, right? Yes. What you see is what you get. 1,000%. And I think that's what really attracted me most to Jen.

First of all, I was a huge fan before I even met her in person. And I randomly met her backstage at a show in New York. And I was a huge fan before I even met her in person. And I randomly met her backstage at a show in New York. And I was a huge fan of this movie called Jackie's Back. It's a mockumentary that she did in 1999 about a washed up diva trying to make a comeback. Hilarious film, okay? So I knew every word in the

movie they celebrate this fictitious day called Jackie Washington Day over July 15th. So over July 15th, I used to host, while I was in college, Jackie Washington parties. So, we would all come dressed up in our Jackie Washington looks. And so, when I met her, I knew every word to the movie. I was like, Jackie. And she was like, Entendre, because that's her daughter's name in the movie.

And she goes, she called me, can I, MF her. She called me MF her. You can say motherfucker. Oh, yeah. She said, well, motherfucker, you crazy. But I like you, so stick around. I was like, oh, my God. So, that night, she was like, walk me back to my hotel.

So me and my friend are like walking her through the streets of New York. And she's studying the script for a thing she was doing with Meryl Streep later. She's like, read lines with me. And I'm like, okay. So I'm like, she's like, hold book, baby. Hold book. And I'm like, okay, I'm holding the book. She's like, no, motherfucker, you don't know what you're talking about.

Give it up. All right. So after she got it, and then she didn't actually walk to her hotel. She was like, I love y'all, but y'all crazy. Y'all ain't going to find out where I stay. So she gets in a taxi and drove off. She was like, but come back to see me in this show later, like in a couple months. I was so like, I can't believe this moment just happened.

Like, did I just really walk the streets of New York with Jennifer Lewis reading lines? And so, anyhow, quick fast forward this real fast. I go back to see her in New York. She totally didn't remember me. But I remember that she told me her favorite movie was Cinema Paradiso, so I brought her a DVD of it. She was like, oh, motherfucker, that's who you are.

That's right. So she invited me to come backstage. She goes, sit in that corner. Hold on, you want to meet Meryl? And she starts screaming down the hallway, Meryl. Who? Meryl. So Meryl Streep comes down the hallway. She's like, yes.

And she's like, Meryl, meet my friends over here. This little motherfucker. Jen, what's your name, baby? And I'm like, DJ. She's like, DJ. And so I was like, oh, my God, Ms. Streep. And she's like, hello. Well, you know.

And I'm like, oh, yeah. And Jen was like, yeah. I'm going to look at this. And so anyhow, I told Jen that I wanted to move to LA at the time. She said, wait, look me up. I may need a second assistant. Well, I literally moved within six months and called her. I'm like, hey, I'm here.

And she's like, who? And I'm like, motherfucker, it's me. It's me, motherfucker. And she was like, oh, yeah, OK. So she hired me as her second assistant. Really? Yeah. And then the first assistant ended up moving, so I became her first assistant.

And I worked for her for like two years prior to Drag Race. Were you still doing drag? Hadn't started yet. Oh, wow. And then I got on Drag Race, and then I remember she told me, oh, now you're traveling. Now you're too famous to be my assistant. That's fine. You can move into the basement at least.

So I totally moved in because I was traveling so much it didn't make sense to have my apartment here in Studio City. So I moved into Jen's and I haven't left since. We became great friends and everything. I love that story so much. Motherfucker! And you're like, it's me! Motherfucker! It's me!

I just love the imagery of Jennifer Lewis and Meryl Streep. Like how, like they must be polar opposites. Ugh, what a treat. Yeah, they were doing a show called Mother Courage and Her Children. It's Shakespeare in the Park thing in Central Park. Mother Courage is a, that's not Shakespeare, that's Beckett? I think it is Shakespeare, because it's Shakespeare in the Park Festival.

Oh, maybe. So I don't know if they do outside Shakespeare. Who knows? I came to see Jennifer Lewis. They are so hard. So how long have you been in L.A.? You've been in L.A. for? Since 2008.

Oh, okay. Yeah. Okay, so 11 years. Oh, has it? No, 2008. Yes. Yeah, 11 years. Wow.

And it was the summer of 08, too. And, yeah, I've been on the road, road though since right after season three of Drag Race touring. So people always think I don't live in LA because I'm never like out on the scene or here to do stuff. But now I'm kind of back. So I love LA. I feel like you almost got into drag in reverse. The way I got into stand up was pretty much in reverse. I got a TV show called Girl Code.

And then colleges were like, come do... Loved you on Girl Code, by the way. Thank you so much. Colleges were like, come do stand-up at our schools. And I was like, oh, I don't know how to do that. I'm so sorry. Then my manager was like, learn. And I said, oh.

So then like one of my... I think it was my third or second show was doing a half hour of stand-up that I had never tried before. And then I just like tried it. My friend Emily Heller was there and she was very supportive. She'd be like, that joke doesn't work. This joke doesn't work. And then I just like build a half hour and then whittle it down to like 15 minutes of

like good material and then like rebuilt my half hour. And I feel like you didn't have too much experience doing drag. So you kind of learn drag doing drag. Yeah, I totally. When I first got cast on Drag Race, I'd only done 10 shows. Wow. I'd only been doing drag for five months. And even at the time, I wasn't even doing my own makeup.

Really? So I thought when they, so the producers came and they saw me on a show at the Hear Lounge in West Hollywood, which is now Chapel. And I was just doing the amateur show, you know, just one. It was going to be a once in a lifetime thing. And the guy had given me like, he's like, you're pretty good. Come back and do the show again. So I'd done, you know, just one. It was going to be a one-time thing, and the guy had given me, like, he's like, you're pretty good. Come back and do the show again. So I'd done a couple shows, ten total. And the producers, I'm sorry,

the casting people were there. This girl named Lisa Turner. Amazing. And she's like, girl, you need to audition for season two of our show. It's Drag Race. And I'm like, uh, no, I'm not going to. I told her specifically, I said, girl, I'm not about to be on TV as no woman. And she was like, and so she found to. And I told her specifically, I said, girl, I'm not about to be on TV as no woman. And she was like,

and so she found my friend Ron and told me, you have to make him put in this tape. We really would like, you know, on the show or to audition. And I didn't even get in drag for my audition.

I literally sat just like as a boy like this and told him, look, here are the top 10 reasons why you don't want me on your show. And so Ron would edit,

I'd say like, I'm not that good of a dancer. And then Ron would edit in like video of me dancing and drag. They loved the video. They cast me on the show. So I thought, oh, well, you know, at the time the prize was $20,000. So I said, oh, I'm about to go get this money, honey. $20,000, make all my dreams come true, right?

Not knowing anything, you know. I was like, $20,000, yes. And I remember I called them to say like, okay, so what does my guy need to bring? Like, who's going to do my makeup and stuff? And they're like, oh, honey, this is a competition. You do your own makeup, right? They said, you know what? I was like, oh, yeah, yeah, I know, I know.

And I'll never forget when I went to Drag Race Season 2, when we got ready the first time in the mirror, everyone sets up their stations and all the girls start pulling out their stuff. I pulled out a piece of paper that had 18 steps on it, which were the guy who had come to my house to teach me how to do my makeup told me, step one, foundation. Step two, powder. And I had all my brushes labeled for each particular step

and everything was very laid out. Because I come from PR, corporate world, so I'm very like I know, manage things properly and everything. So, girl, I was like, crease brush. Here we go. And I'll never forget, my friend Sahara, God rest her soul, looked over at me. And she said, what are you doing? And I said, and I was so excited because I was like, where are y'all papers at?

All of your instructions. I was like, what y'all got? Y'all got the papers? Y'all messed up. I feel sorry for y'all. So I pull out my paper girl and she's like, wait. And she was kind of more savvy, TV savvy. I didn't realize we're always mic'd

and there were cameras behind the mirror. And she was like, so she would start tapping her chest. They couldn't take the audio. So she would tap her chest and she would look at me and go, put that paper away now and do the best you can and I'm going to help you grow.

They're about to get you together. And I said, what? No, I'm going to win. She was like, oh, my sister. Oh, they got my sister. Oh my God. I love it so much. Honestly, what a lovely lesson in fake it till you make it.

Yeah, totally. Like, you didn't give up, and you just kept doing it. Yeah. After season three, I just knew, like, I felt the pressure. I felt like Rue brought me back onto this show for another run. I made it to the top five. And all these people auditioned for the show and put so much into it. And I can't take this opportunity for granted, and I don't want to, like, step into it. And I can't take this opportunity for granted.

And I don't want to, like, step on it. And I really want to make people proud. So I started watching more tutorials. Girl, they got so tired of me, the girls in the back room. I would ask them a million. We'd be getting ready for a show. I'd be like, girl, what lash glue is that that you use? What is that?

They said, Miss Thing, you don't have your own things? Good Lord. I was like, girl, I have a question. I mean, be annoying. Be whatever. Like, that's, I think people don't want to ask questions. And I think asking questions is one of the most helpful things you could do. Not everybody knows everything.

Yeah. Ooh, wait, we have to take a break. Oh, and we're back. Oh, what a lovely break we done took. Let's see. What else did I want to ask? Oh, how did Alyssa become your drag mother? Well, Alyssa and I met well before Drag Race.

When I was 19, I was starting to go to the gay bar in Dallas, and she was competing in Miss Texas. Actually, Miss Gay America. And she came to me, and she saw me dancing on the dance floor, and she walked over to me, and she was competing in Miss Texas. Actually, Miss Get America. And she came to me, and she saw me dancing on the dance floor, and she walked over to me, and she goes, who do you dance for? And I said, oh, nobody. I just moved here, and I have to go to college down the street. And she said, yeah, okay, you dance for me now, okay? And come on over to the studio tomorrow, okay? And you're going to dance for me now, okay? And come on over to the studio tomorrow, okay?

And you're going to dance for me. And I was like, okay, yeah. I was so excited. So we started traveling, and I was a backup dancer, front row backup dancer. I always fought for the front row spot. How many backup dancers did she have? She was six, eight, 14, honey, depending on the pageant. But I would go there and dance with them.

And so we became great friends. So after I was on Drag Race, because she didn't even know I was doing drag. I never did drag when we were in Texas. I waited until I moved out to L.A. And then I was like, you know what? I'm going to try drag. But she did put me in drag once for Halloween. And I'll never forget, because we're not necessarily the same skin tone.

No, Alyssa Edwards is a white woman or a white man. White, but she used to tan, like, religiously. So Alyssa and I were kind of the same tone. I mean, she used to tan. Like, she wouldn't go nowhere without tanning. She'd be like, hold on, girl, I got to go over here and tan. And I'd be like, bitch, you black. So anyhow, she painted me, and I

didn't have any foundation, any makeup, so she used her products on me. You can imagine what I look like. But anyhow, yes. And then after I got on Drag Race, I remember telling her, like, Alyssa, you have to audition for this show. She's like, girl, what they want me over there for? I'm not going over there, girl. For what, girl?

They already sent you home twice. Girl, this ain't no... Girl, I'm going over here to compete for Miss Gay U.S. of A, girl. I ain't got time for that. And I was like, Alyssa. So I pushed her. Like, you – because I knew her, and I'd known her for years. She is TV gold as well. She is so funny without trying.

Both of you have very similar isms and senses of humor. I got to do this shoot with her a couple, like maybe a month or two ago, and she is so funny, truly without trying. Because just like, they would be like, Alyssa, are you okay? And she's like, yes. You're like, you could just say yes, but I love

that you didn't just say yes. I mean, she didn't even know. She has no clue. And she does now. But at the time, she had no clue how funny she was. And she'd be like, girl, y'all really think that's funny? That's not funny, girl. And I'm like, girl, that is hilarious.

Just do it. And don't give her a script. Don't tell her what to say or anything because it's going down. She'd be like, girl, are you trying to script me, girl? Don't give me no words, girl. Oh, Miss Shange, girl. Too much, honey. Too much. You go over there. You be the manager. You do the corporate, girl. That's you, girl. are you trying to script me girl don't give me no words girl oh miss shangri-la girl too much honey too much you go over there you be the manager you do the corporate girl that's you

girl write down stuff i don't write nothing down girl i got time for writing nothing down so it's just hilarious so i was excited when she got on i love it can i ask uh do when you're on the road do you ever like hook up with fans do you have well in comedy I call them chuckle fuckers they're people who like a comedian they don't care what you look like you made them giggle and they're happy to give you whatever you want women do not have them but truly a dumpster of a man who's semi-funny can truly fuck his way through the United States of America do you find it easy to like hook up with people on the road well Well, I'll tell you, I've always wanted to. I was in a relationship for like two and a half years, years ago.

And I haven't been back in a serious, consistent relationship since then. But I'm a big romantic. I love rom-coms. I'm a J-Lo, wedding planner, Bride Wars kind of movie watcher. So I, just like I said, I go on dates dates and a lot of people don't know their dates. But in my head, I'm like, oh, my God, we're getting married, like, tomorrow. So, do I meet people on the road? Yes.

I've met lots of people on the road. And I don't, like, I mean, I wouldn't say I go out trying to hook up with fans. But a lot of people that I meet out are, you know, they know the show or they know about me. Sometimes I'm oblivious to it. And sometimes they'll do it on purpose, like not mention anything about it. So I'm like, oh, I'm flying under the radar. This person just loves me for me. How nice.

But yeah, I've met and dated and even had great experiences with people all around the world. I love it. I have trouble hooking up with people on the road now. Like I was recently in Appleton, Wisconsin, which I found out was a sundown. I've been there. That's a college there. There's a college there.

University of Wisconsin. Anyway, go ahead. Something, I don't know. It is like a college town. There's a lot of young people there. It's also a sundown town. What's a sundown town? So I just learned about those.

Sundown towns are towns where the black people have to leave at sundown. No. Or like be inside but not be outside. And it's not a thing that's a now thing. That's just like a part of their history. Oh, I was like, girl. No, not now. We need to go march on Appleton, bitch.

Girl, come on. Call Ava DuVernay. I want to film this. We got to get the NAACP over there. No, like back in the day when segregation was a thing and there is like a little bit of racial tension in that city. Yeah, we had to go inside and lock the door. When you feel that i i don't feel

comfortable like going out to a bar after a show like i'll just hang out in the club one of my my opener was a black man because i always ask for a person of color or a woman to host and feature for me and during his set someone goes smile we can't see you and I was like whoa what the fuck so I like came out and stood on the side of the the room because I was like what is going on with these I was like I need to see these people's faces yeah to see if like people are looking aggressive like I don't want anything bad to happen because I've had people get up on stage and like try to hug me and stuff uh and during your show yes and clubs will do nothing you are on your own I've had people get up on stage and like try to hug me and stuff. During your show? Yes, and clubs will do nothing. You are on your own.

I've thought about it. I was like, maybe I get a taser. I don't know. I have a look to my assistant that if something goes wrong, I'm like, Liam, you better see my eyes. I'm like, I don't have an assistant. I can't afford to have nobody travel with me. I'll go with you, girl.

I can't do it. Oh, Chandler, I would love that. We can do a look. Oh, yeah, just a little look and be like, girl, girl. And then, so that happened during his set. And then during my set, they were good for one half hour. And then after that half hour, nobody did anything racial to me. They just started screaming at me.

So I was like, I'm single, which is a setup to the joke. And then this woman was like, why won't you date me? And I was like, yeah, that's the name of my podcast. And I was like, why are you yelling that she's like I like it I said okay thank you so much and then this other woman raised her hand I said okay I call on you am I a teacher now what is going on and she was like I'm a social worker and I was like I don't I've never cared why would you say that right now she's like I like your podcast I said okay I'm doing a show right now I was like does anyone else want to talk, I'm doing a show right now. I was like,

does anyone else want to talk to me? And then someone else raised their hand. I was like, I guess you. And then this man was like, hello. I said, that's it. That's all you want. So this went on for like 10 minutes. And I was like, you all have to shut up. Then the woman who was a social worker started talking again. Then I like went in on her. Her name is Krista and she started crying. Oh, damn. White lady was upset that I wouldn't talk to her during my stand-up show. So, Appleton, Wisconsin, I don't like that place. It's not good. Let's still go

March. Yeah, let's just go March and be like, you people don't know how to act here. When you do shows, are people disruptive? Well, it depends on what type of show. Last year I toured, I did 184 cities last year around the world. Oh, my God.

Yeah, it was, and I had a one and a half hour show called Shangela is Shook. That's a stand-up comedy cabaret show. There's performance, and a lot of the venues, of course, sell alcohol. So the later it gets, and I like for people to be a little loose because they laugh a little more if they've had a drink. I like that. a little loose because they laugh a little more if they've had a drink. I like that. But they get more rowdy and they feel the need sometimes to like finish a joke for you or just let it.

And it was one guy's birthday. I remember this now. Oh, it's always a birthday. It was his birthday and he was full of boots. And my great aunt, my aunt Leona, had come to my show. So she's like 84. Okay? So my aunt Leona and her husband Cleophas are sitting there. Cleophas?

Yes, Cleophas A. Robinson III. I need to write that name down because I love it. Yes, so he is. And then their daughter Kim, my cousin Brio, were all at the show. And I had them on like row four because I didn't want to see their face exactly because I told Kim, like, are you sure you want to bring my aunt? Because my aunt really wanted to come to my drag show.

And I'm like, I'd love her to come, but I say foul words. And, you know, I'm a Southern kid, so I'm like, I don't want to cuss in front of my aunt Laverna. Or Leona, excuse me, Laverna. And so my aunt's like, oh, she heard it all. She's fine. So I'm like, okay, well, put them on, like, row four, but in good seats. Well, the guy sitting right next to my aunt's like, oh, she heard it all. She fine. So I'm like, okay, well, put them on like row four, but in good seats.

Well, the guy sitting right next to my aunt and them keeps screaming. Every time I see, he's like, woo, hallelujah. And I'm like, thank you, baby. All right. So you hit him the first two times with courtesy. Then the third time, thank you, baby. Now shut the fuck up. So now everyone's laughing. But now they feel even more empowered because now they have attention from you.

So now he's screaming every sentence that I do. Hallelujah. And I'm like, baby. So I had to stop the show, walk over in a kind way and say, look, are you having a good time? He's like, yeah, it's my birthday. And I was like, well, happy birthday, bitch. Now, let me tell you something. There's three words I love.

They are secure itty. Okay. And they will take your birthday ads right on out to the parking lot. You keep on interrupting my show now, baby. Now, let me tell you something. There's three words I love. They are secure itty, okay? And they will take your birthday ads right on out to the parking lot. You keep on interrupting my show now, baby. All right, I love you too. Give me a kiss. All right, thank you. Now, shut the fuck up.

For the most part, they kind of quieted down, but I was giving that look to my sister like, one more time and come and get them. Because, like, you can't do your gig if they're not allowing you to do your gig. And it's so annoying. I host a show on Netflix called Nailed It, and people love yelling Nailed It at me. Nailed it! I voice my displeasure because people yell it at a punchline. And it's like you're being redundant.

I know I nailed it. It's a punchline. And then sometimes there's a second punchline, and now you've ruined the momentum of the joke. And this person online was like, why are you so mad people are just enjoying themselves and I was like well you're not letting me do my job and what I'm there to do if you want to yell nailed it at me turn on nailed it and yell at me do a nailed it but if I'm in person just let me tell my jokes and then he was like the person online said well you know a stand-up show is interactive and I was like no show is interactive-up show is interactive. And I was like, no show is interactive. Not one show is

interactive. A drag queen doesn't want you screaming at them. A stand-up comedy doesn't want you screaming at them. Don't go to a Broadway show. You wouldn't scream at them. I think everyone is very confused. Yeah, have a good time. You gotta know when it's appropriate and when it's not.

Because you're ruining it for the rest of the audience. They want to laugh. They want to have fun. And I've prepared stuff to make you laugh. That's my job. Trust me. If I hit this right, oh, baby, you're going to laugh. You're going to laugh so hard, you're going to have the time of your life.

Yes. Or I'll bomb and you hate it, but at least you were quiet and watched, you know, a train wreck happen. All right, Shangela, I want you to go through my Tinder profile and tell me, you know, just some thoughts, like what you feel. Actually, maybe let's go through my Bumble. We've gone through my Tinder a couple times. Okay. Are you on Bumble? No, you're not on any app.

What's a Bumble? A Bumble. Who the Bumble? Who the Bumble? The Bumble is. Who the Bumble? Bumble, Bumble, Bumble's a big. No, Bumble's an app where the woman has to initiate the conversation.

Is it like it's a straight app? No. There's an LGBTQIA plus section? There is an LGBTQ plus everybody else and everybody who we love. And the T's and everybody. Anybody can be on it. And then I think when it's two gentlemen identifying people, I think it doesn't matter who initiates it.

Okay, because I was going to say, how do they pick? I think when it's heterosexual or a male identifying and a female identifying, whatever. The lady goes first. So this is my profile. Let me see. And you just scroll up. Girl!

You know what? This picture says, not only am I flexible and I can ride. And you just scroll up. Girl! You know what? This picture says, not only am I flexible and I can ride. It's a picture of Nicole, by the way, in a full split down on a wooden floor. Toes pointed in the front, which I must add because that's lovely. Okay. Titties all laid forward. What I live. Wig, hair right, laid, parted to the side, mouth wide open going, come on, daddy.

This says I'm fun, I'm symmetrical, and I'm flexible. So I like this. Nicole, got your age right next to it, 29. Well, I'm 32, I believe. I haven't logged into my Facebook in a very long time, and it's linked to my Facebook, but I'm 32, and I always say it when I match with people. I'm like, that's wrong.

I'm 32. Okay, lovely. All when I match with people. I'm like, that's wrong. I'm 32. Okay, lovely. All right. Hit them with it. Now, what do I do? You go up, scroll up. Scroll up. Oh, I just saw the Minion movie.

I'm very excited to talk about it. Okay, great, great. Okay, Minions. That also says I'm fun and I like movies. Okay, got it. Now what do I do? Scroll up. Keep scrolling.

Oh, there it is. Okay, great. Another picture of you squatting. You like this on the ground thing. I love being low to the ground because if you're already on the ground, you can't fall and hurt yourself. Droppy droppy low. That's the Dean shout out. Okay, look at this.

This is lovely. You're down by a toy truck. Someone's Christmas, maybe? That was the green room of a comedy show, and you better believe the green room was just a room with trash in it. Okay, yay. They treat performers so nicely at venues. Let me tell you something. I have done my fair share of kitchens, bathrooms, hallways, outdoor alleys.

Shangela, now your dressing room is three flights up, but if you want to change, there's a spot right here next to the dumpster in the alley. Before we open the door, you go right on to stage for your quick change. You don't mind. You don't mind being out in the dumpster. Yeah, yeah. Just changing with all my little pads and everything out on the street corner. That's lovely. Where was I?

Maybe it's Play in Nashville. Yeah, totally. I know that bar. The Princess performs there. Love the Princess. I love the Princess, and I really wanted to meet her. So they let me go backstage, and I went to the bathroom back there, and I was like, there's no toilet paper.

I was like, what do I do? So then, you better believe I found the roll. Oh, Lord. And was like, I guess I wipe my vagina with this. And I did, because I was like, I can't drippity drip in my pants. Well, that don't even seem like a wipe. That seems more like a soak. It's like, yeah.

You just press the cardboard. I've never seen a vagina, not a real person's. Don't you do that. A real person's vagina. But I'm just saying, like, I would imagine to soak up any urination condensation, you would take the roll, which is rough, but, you know, it's a smooth cardboard

as long as you don't catch that edge where it gets the... And press it against your vaginal labias and then pull it back away from the labias. And then you twist it to the second side and you press it up? No, what you holding on to? Oh, your hands are in the middle circle

in the cylinder. Yeah. Okay, I'm getting crazy. But then where do you throw? Oh, trash can. The trash can was there. You can't flush no roll. No, you can't flush the cylinder of a toilet paper roll. You know, I like you though. You're resourceful.

Well, I was like, I'm not dripping dripping on me. But then I was truly like, oh, so all performers are treated like trash. It doesn't matter who you are. I bet y'all ain't putting J-Lo in the toilet. Oh, you know what? Probably not. Not no more. There's like no in between. But you know. I bet y'all ain't putting J-Lo in the toilet. Oh, you know what? Probably not.

Not no more. There's like no in between. But you know, I bet she did her fair day. Oh, I think most people do their fair share of being treated like trash until one day the world decides you're worthy enough to be treated with respect at all times. And then you get a Fiji water and a skinny pop popcorn. I can't wait for that day. Come on, sister.

I'll take you on a date. Ooh, come on. Give me the Fiji water and the skinny pop popcorn. I can't wait for that day. Come on, sister. I'll take your money. Ooh, come on. Give me the feed you water and the skinny pop. Ooh, keep scrolling. Okay, so your dream dinner guest is Patrick Swayze or Guy Fieri. The restaurant man? I love

him. With the spiky hair? I love him so much. I love someone whose personal brand is silly. Yes. I love that so much. Like Nina West. She's a very silly queen. Oh my Yes. I love that so much. Like Nina West, she's a very silly queen. Oh my God, I love Nina West. I love that. I told Nina,

Nina, okay, so, in Drag Race, when they would be casting new seasons, they would send out an email sometimes and say, hey girls, you know, us, you know, veteran sisters. They'd say, who do you want to,

you know, is there anyone we should keep an eye out for? Now, we don't have any way in making sure anyone gets on the show or anything like that. But they say, like, if you know anyone that we should look at their tape, make sure you send us a name. And Nina West, I sent her name four years in a row. And I remember every year when she wouldn't get on, she would tell me, like, eh, wasn't

me this year since. Because I'd go to see her in Columbus at Axis nightclub. And I'm like, girl, you got to put it in next year. And she'd be like, oh, you know, I don't think it's for me. Because she had gone so many years. You gotta just, so much rejection. But she finally got on. I'm so happy for her. So happy. She's so funny.

Also, another queen that I love that's like real campy. Do you know Meatball? Yeah, I know Meatball. Meatball is so funny to me. Meatball is hilarious. You gotta meet Britta Filter in New York. I did meet Britta Filter and I met Jan Sport at Pieces. Yeah, oh, you'll be out in the streets. I love drag queens.

I feel like I have more in common with a drag queen than I do anybody else. I mean, I don't tuck. I don't have anything to tuck. Well, you got them labias that's been pressed against the rolls. Yes, I guess a toilet paper roll, but I wear a wig. I'm not wearing my lashes today because I have my pole dancing class, but usually I have full lashes. Usually I'm contoured into a different person.

So I like the theatricalness of it. And I feel like I'm doing my own drag when I'm in full makeup and doing comedy because it's a heightened version of me, and I'm trying to say a statement. My favorite queen is doing a statement, if you will. Yes. Oh, I love that. Come on, my fellow queen, Ms. Nicole. I love it so much.

Oh, speaking of, I'm, okay, I just, guys, I'm scrolling up. I've learned the scroll up thing. And my next photo of Ms. Nicole is her on a bookcase against a bookshelf, bent down in a lovely dress, doing that classic over the shoulder look like you see this ass and then you look over like, I'm just checking to see if you checking. Okay. I'm wondering why the bookshelf ain't got no books though.

Because that's another dressing room that they put me in. Oh, so you do your best photos in the dressing room. I do. You're very bored before a show happens. True. She said, baby, my hair is on. My dress is ready. I got prepared. Come on, baby. My wig is glued down.

Nah, no, it's never glued down. Ain't no Fiji water in here so might as well take a picture. So, okay, so this is your profile. Now, if I were looking at this, I would definitely swipe. I don't know if it's a swipe or a click or what. It's swipes and clicks. Oh, and then there's a picture of you and a dog that shows you love animals. That's my dog,

Clyde. Oh, Clyde looks so cute. Oh, and here you are in a bikini with the titties with stars on them. Oh my gosh. Out here with the hat and toes in the sand. This is and I'm also sexy and I'm not afraid of myself and all

of me live. I love it. I try to show the body because I would hate for someone to meet me and go, you're much bigger than you presented. You say, hold on there, baby. I showed it to you. I showed everything to you. And nobody's been biting. Hmm.

Now, I'm not familiar with this app. Maybe they don't have a lot of people that are on the app. I think there's a lot of people. You know what? See, this is what I'm talking about. Now, I'm going to give you some advice. Now, I know about this guru. Obviously, still single.

But I've dated a lot. Well, maybe the other people didn't know it was dates. I think I've dated a lot. You personally feel like you've dated a lot. The people may not know you've dated a lot. Right, and my kind of like spectrum that I look for is all across the board. If anyone looked at like the people I've dated, they'd be like, well, bitch, you don't have no type, do you? That's why you're out here with nobody.

But anyhow, I would say for that profile, if you just get those photos, is it just photos in one line, two lines? Yeah, it's photos in a couple lines. You can't really get to know much about a person in that way. I don't know much about the app, but I think I would spread myself over a couple apps. Oh, I'm on all of them. You know what you sound just like? This reminds me of Sex and the City, an episode where Charlotte was going to give up on love, but she had found this dating guru.

So they went to see this woman speak, and she stands up and asks a question. The lady goes, well, you know, you really just got to put yourself out there. And then Carrie gets somebody and goes, oh, she's out there. She's out there. Like standing up for her friend. So, okay, I get it. You're out there.

Oh, I am out there and I am looking. Holla looking. Hmm? Holla looking. You know I say holla-loo a lot. I'm holla looking. Maybe you holla looking for love. Holla looking for love.

Okay, so I'm going to help you. Okay. I'm going to just offer this. Not necessarily help. I'm going to offer you these tidbits. In the photos, perfection. Okay. You can get your energy.

You get your device. Maybe if there's a way to say on there what you're looking for, what are you looking for? Man, this changes almost daily. But I think I am looking for a partner who is kind, who has like a joy to them. I usually say I want someone who's not, who doesn't have a, let's see, who's like living their dream but doesn't have it. Like I want someone who isn't at home being like, oh, I want to do this. I want them to be doing this. An active pursuer.

Yes, an active pursuer. That's a perfect way to phrase that. Someone who's attractive to me, which doesn't mean to everybody. I've dated some trolls. Yeah. People are like, girl. And I'm like, but they're so nice. Was it after midnight at the bar?

Because you know everybody's still looking good around there. I love me a good sidewalk sale. You say, mm, that'll do. Yeah, 146 AM, baby. Where you going? Where you going? I'm coming with you. Also, I want them to treat me right, and I'd like them to have a nice family.

And I feel like that's a lot of wants. No, that's not. Oh, I could pull out a list for mine, and you'd be like, oh, damn, bitch, no wonder you single. What are you looking for? Well, it's so hard to narrow down. But first of all, I love pull out a list for mine. And you'd be like, oh, damn, bitch, no wonder you single. What are you looking for? Well, it's so hard to narrow down. But first of all, I love all those things. I'm going to come back to you. Okay, thank you.

I'm coming back to you because I'm putting a pin on my head. Okay. But for me, I really, at this point in my life, I think I want someone who I can be inspired by. A partner that I think is smarter than me. And I think I'm pretty smart. This is the problem. I'm a type A personality. I've been by myself for like six, seven years. So I'm kind of really like, I run my life and I don't want anyone to run me. I don't want anyone to come in trying to manage me, trying to tell me where to go, what to do. I'm really comfortable with myself.

I love myself. I don't, I like having dinner by myself. I like sometimes even going on a vacation by myself. Yeah, I'm like, I like to write in my journal by myself. Like I, so you're going to have to be able to have a lot going on in your life where you're not constantly waiting on me to do something. Baby, I waited on you to eat. Now let's eat. No, go eat, baby.

You want to eat? You go eat. So I need them to be actively, again, actively pursuing whatever it is in their life. I want them to be intelligent. I want them to have some money at this point because I also have some money. And I don't want to go into that situation feeling like, because I do like to provide, but I don't want to feel like I should have to pay for everything. I want you to at least be able to pull your own weight.

You ain't got to do everything for me. I got me. But I want someone who can handle their own. And that means they take care of themselves mentally, physically. They're a nice person. They have to like dogs preferably. I'm not a – sorry, cat people, but I'm allergic to most cats. And I don't – so please don't have no cat.

I can't do that. I can't be like kissing on your fingers later and be like, ooh, you pet your cat now and blowing up in the face. Like, wah, I can't do that. You got to take a clarinet before you make out with your partner. I want him to be able to cook because I can't cook shit. So please feed me and like to cook. I would love him to travel and enjoy art and enjoy theater

and be funny. But don't try to be too funny because I'm the funny one. So you can be funny, but you can't be that funny. Don't be at the table doing joke for joke with me. We ain't got to do all that.

But also enjoy drag but not be obsessed with it so I don't feel like I had to perform for it. Oh God, I went deep. Did not go right. Honestly, you are truly speaking to my soul. These are all things that I want. Yeah, because I travel a lot.

So I need someone who's okay being alone. Yes, and trustworthy. Yes. Don't be hoeing. I've been cheated on. Oh, Lord, I could go. We could do a whole other episode with the cheating. Oh, Lord, Jesus.

Oh, Lord, I could go. We could do a whole other episode with the cheating. Oh, Lord, Jesus. But just, you know, because we're not in the same place a lot of time, and it takes time to build trust. If it's not someone that I already know, it's going to be even harder. Because even now, so I'm looking at, I'm already looking at you like, now what you here for? What do you want? Just because of past stuff that I've had situations with. So, like, I'm kind of like

sideways looking at any new date as well like now why are you mad at me because I didn't tag you in a post that's like baggage that you're rolling into the relationship girl I got them 70 pound delta bags yes you're paying extra for these bags

yes overage fees yes because you go on a date with someone and I've been on dates where people won't say they know who I am to like an hour and a half into the date. And then I'm like, why did you why did you wait? Why not just say it right up? Why didn't he just scream nailed it?

Yes, just scream nailed it. Get it out of the way. So I know that you know me. And I was I went on a date with somebody who we were trying to figure out another time to hang out. And I said, oh, I'm out of town. They said, oh, yeah, you're in Charlotte. And I was like, oh, what? And they're like, oh, my sister lives in Charlotte.

I was like, oh, so you're talking about me to your family. We've only been out, what? It just felt jarring. Yes. And I get it. I get that. You can figure out where I am almost all the time. You got to turn off that geolocation, girl.

No, no, no. My website has all my tour dates. And I say it all the time. You better turn off that geolocation, girl. No, no, no. My website has all my tour dates. Oh, okay. And I say it on my podcast. So like on the weekends, you know where I am. Yes. But just, where's the mystery? Just pretend that you don't know where I am.

Yeah. Ask me where I'm going. So it's also like I'm asking someone to not act, but just let me tell you things. If you know everything about me it feels weird when I'm like I don't know a thing about you and we're going to spend this whole this whole date

as a one-sided interview where I'm just asking you questions it's just it's very hard there are layers there are many layers but don't give up because if you're really interested in being partnered, and that's also you have to ask yourself, am I really interested in partnering?

It's like how I used to say I really wanted kids, and then I took my cousin's kids for four days, and they are beautiful and super well-behaved, actually. So if I had some monsters, bitch, be like cut them, cut my tubes. Do I have tubes? I don't know. Anyhow. You do but like maybe a vasectomy? Oh yeah no I want to keep

on. That's where you tie that tube? Yeah that's you know the snip snip is what they call it. Yes on the couch for two days with ice pack. No thank you. Not for me. But I thought like I really like I felt like something's missing in my life. I don't have kids and I'm getting older and I should find a partner. I should have you. Yeah, not for me. But I thought like, I really like, I felt like something's missing in my life. I don't have kids

and I'm getting older and I should find a partner. I should have kids because I want to have kids because that feels like what I think my brain had been kind of calculated to think was the norm.

Like you get older, you get a house, you get a partner, you get kids and that means you've made it. And I was like, oh, now I'm gay, but now I'm seeing so many gay adoptions. And I was like, yeah, I'm back. And honestly, after having the kids, they're five, nine, and ten.

I took them to Disney for three days. Sister, I lost two of them. It's a true story. I never had that feeling where you see the lady in the mall that's like, Johnny, Johnny, Johnny. That was me. I was the crazy parent. I was holding on to the five-year-old because she's so little. She's still that age where you can carry her.

You can just carry her around. And the brother and sister were so over it. They're like, Uncle DJ, she walks. She knows how to walk. But she's just using you. And I'm like, no, I love it. She's so cute. So I'm holding her. My mom was with us. But she's just using you. And I'm like, no, I love it. She's so cute. So I'm holding her. My mom was with us. And my mom

walks a little slower than us. So I'm turning and looking for mom. I'm like, where are you? And the other two are walking ahead of me. Well, when I turn to look for mama, I turn around and they were gone. And they don't have cell phones on them. And I literally

was like, where did they go? For first, it's my eyes, like looking for these little beds and it's Disney. So it's a gazillion people. And I just started screaming like, KK, KK. I mean, like screaming at the top of my lungs and people like, what the fuck? And I'm like, KK, KK, KK. And I'm like running and I can't leave mom. My mom's like, what's wrong? What are the kids? Don't worry about it. And I'm literally freaking out. And it went by for maybe like four minutes, maybe.

But four minutes when you lose a child seems like an eternity. Yeah, it was. And I just learned. And they end up turning around. They're like, oh, we didn't see. And they come back like nothing's wrong. Like, hey, we look. I'm like, you guys cannot leave if you leave.

And then the little girl, she's sensitive. So she started crying. I'm like, stop crying. leave if you leave. And then the little girl, she's sensitive. So she started crying. I'm like, stop crying. Don't cry. I didn't mean to make you cry. I'm sorry. She's like, ugh. I'm like, oh, my God, why are you crying?

And now I'm crying because I'm, like, upset. And it was just extra. And I realized. And you said, I don't need children. Because they're just a full-time commitment. Four days, I got nothing done for myself. And listen, all y'all out there who have kids, God bless you. Those who want them, you go get them.

But I'll be just a fabulous gay uncle. I'm good. That's what I say. I'll be an auntie. I'll hang out with my friends' kids. But kids, I was a nanny for a long time. Really? Yeah, from like 21 or 22.

Let's see, maybe like 23 to 25, 26-ish. And during that time, I was like, no. And I know people are like, Nicole, you'll love your own kids. Sure, I'll love my kid, but I might grow to resent my kid. Or if they grow up to be an asshole.

Yes, imagine. If I gave you 18 years of my life, and they were, I mean, I had to bathe these kids. So I'm in here bathing you, waiting on you outside the bathroom, changing your diaper. Oh, if you pissed on me, and then you get to 18, and I'm like, hey, you want to go to a movie?

And you're like, I don't have time for you. Or they just start resenting you and being rude. Excuse you? You're like, bitch, I couldn't even eat a good meal because I had to feed you and your brother. I see why parents are like, I raised you. I would tell them to. I would tell them to, baby. I raised to feed you and your brother. I see why parents are like, I raised you. I would tell them to.

I would tell them to, baby. I raised you. Yes, I did. I'm telling everybody who will listen. And now in my 30s, my mom died when I was 16, but I remember being just so nasty to her sometimes for no reason. And now at 32, I'm like, if a child ever, ever spoke to me the way I would speak to my mother sometimes, I would slap the shit out of that child. Girl. My mother showed restraint. Hallelujah.

Oh, my God. When I had the five-year-old, okay, this is little Carly, the cutest little thing. Now, I've carried this child in my arm all weekend. And we go after the Star Wars ride. I told the older two they could get the lightsabers, you know, the plastic. Yeah. They light up. And I was like, damn, I should have.

When we got back to the hotel, I was like, why did I buy them these things that make noise and they hit each other with? By the fuck? I couldn't get them a stuffed animal. That was the stupidest thing I could have done. Just a quiet stuffed animal that you could just toss across the room. Well, the little one's like, I want something, too. So I said, do you see anything in here you want? She didn't find anything.

So I said, don't worry. I'm going to take you to a better store and get you a better toy. Okay, baby. And she was like, okay. Five minutes later, she said, can we go to the better store now? I said, baby, we're going over here to this rot. Five minutes later. Can I get my better toy? I said, so we got to another store. Now, mind you, we don't went through six stores. She can't find nothing she like or want. She starts to get an attitude with me when I tell her, baby, let's just wait till tomorrow and I'll get you something even bigger and better. When she caught the attitude, now I didn't shake her, Jerrica. That's my cousin. I didn't shake your daughter, I promise.

But I wanted to shake her. I was like, I was like, I bought you everything this weekend. Because, you know, I was spoiling them. I was off to DJ. They came out to California. But then they get a whiff of a toy or a present. And they're like, you're going to buy me more things, aren't you? It's like, well, yes.

But, like, behave. Yeah, all I need you to do is smile and tell me you love me. Say thank you. Take the picture when I say take the picture. Yes. And don't give. Oh, kids. Oh, I don't want them.

All right. Shangela. Yes. I ask all my guests this question. Okay. Would you date me? Yes. Look how much fun we've had.

What a treat. Oh, yeah. I'm a gift. Get ready. You get up and get. And I even brought you a gift. Look. You did?

I did. I brought this special for you. Oh, yes. Oh. Okay. A podcast is not a visual medium. It is a hallelujah fan. Yes, it is.

Oh, yes. Thank you. I love this so much. I've been collecting fans. And the only thing about having a fan is I can never put it in my purse because they get all crusted up and crunchy and I keep breaking them. So now they're just like open in my house. My room is very tacky. A lot of leopard print and drag queen merchandise.

This is exactly why I can date you. We're going to have to get rid of the mother hoes though. It's just going to have to be my merch. Okay. Everywhere in there. That's love. All right. I could do that. I could do that.

That's love. I can give up everybody else and be a one chandelier woman. Nicole Byer Wadley. I like it. I love it. Do you have anything you want to promote? Well, I just want to say people can stay connected with me

over on my new podcast called Shangela. We did six episodes, which are Game of Thrones recaps, and now we are into the full swing of the podcast, hour-long interviews and fun stuff. So check that out. And also, my tour dates are on my website, Shangela.com.

I'm doing a little less touring this year because I've been touring for like six years straight. So I would like to put some roots down and put real food in the refrigerator that doesn't have to be thrown in the trash every time I come home. You got to take time for yourself. Yeah, you do. Which is very important. And I think in July, my life slows down a little bit. So I'm going to like take a little vacation and I cannot wait. What?

Oh, I can't wait. I don't know where I'm going to go, but I can't wait. Well, if you like this episode of Why Won't You Date Me, you can subscribe. You can rate it on iTunes. If you send me something nasty in a DM or just on Twitter, I will read it aloud. This person on Twitter, Aaron, said, Nicole Byer, I'd love to spread your legs, put my tongue right up in there, and get lost in your pussy.

I want to root around in your bush and play hide and seek. Pretty presumptuous that I have a bush, but thank you. Wait a minute a second. I think that root around in your bush needs to be the intro to whatever new track I write. Baby, let me root around in your bush needs to be the intro to whatever new track I write. Baby, let me root around in your bush.

Let me root around in your bush. I love it. Well, Aaron, look at what you did. Now you're on a song. Yes, root around in your bush. All right, DJ slash Angela. Thank you so much for being here. Thank you so much for having me.

I'm about to go root around in your bush. Bye-bye. Thank you so much for being here. Thank you so much for having me. I'm about to go root around in your bush. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. This has been a team coco production