Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Hygiene Horror Stories: Mud Butt Mishaps (w/ Siobhan Thompson)

Episode Date: January 24, 2025

Writer and comedian Siobhan Thompson (Dimension 20, Rick & Morty) joins Nicole to dive into the messy realities of hookup culture—from men leaving skid marks in bed to requesting ass-eating with a muddy butt. They debate whether it’s okay to ghost someone after a one-night stand. Siobhan shares why she had to turn off DM requests from D&D fans, her biggest dating 'icks,' and the differences between dating in London and Los Angeles. Plus, a PSA on why you should NEVER DATE YOUR IMPROV TEACHER. WATCH this episode on YouTube: youtu.be/asu1JrsFkxc.Write to Nicole! Send your dirty messages to [e-mail] with the subject line "Dirty Message" and Nicole may read it in a future episode.Follow:YouTube: @WhyWontYouDateMePodcastTikTok: @whywontyoudatemepod Instagram: @nicolebyerX: @nicolebyerNicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746This is a Headgum podcast. Follow Headgum on Twitter, Instagram, and Tiktok. Advertise on Why Won't You Date Me? via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Wanna watch this episode? Catch the full video on YouTube. Just hit the link in the episode description. This is a HeadGum Podcast. Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Ooooo baby! Welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? A podcaster, Meenacle Byer, has been trying to figure out how I'm so single or how I was so single even though you could,

you could come in a thimble and tell me it was medicine. My guest today is a comedian, actress, and a writer that you know from CollegeHumor and Dropout. She is also a staff writer on Rick and Morty. Oh, that is so, that's such an old credit. Okay. I was a staff writer on Rick and Morty. No longer is so that's such an old credit. Okay. I was a star writer in Rick and Morty. No longer but now is a key player in Dimension 20s and I've

known her for years and years and years and years and years and years. Here's how long we've known each other. This is the Nicole that I first met. One wig, blue contact lenses. She's dead, she died. I've truly never been read harder in my life. One wig and blue contact lenses. What an awful phase in my life. I loved it. That no one was like, hey, you look like an alien. Yes. You look like you belong in Men in Black.

Here's the thing with UCB at that time, and I don't know if it's changed because I'm not involved with that anymore. Wait, let me tell you something. I'm not involved with that anymore. I'm not involved with that anymore. Hey, you look like an alien. Yes. You look like you belong in Men in Black. Here's the thing with UCB at that time, and I don't know if it's changed because I'm not involved with that anymore. Wait, let me tell everyone your name.

Oh yes, fuck, sorry. Siobhan Thompson. Hi everybody. Ooh. Ooh. There was a level of radical acceptance there, which was great, but looking back, I'm like, actually maybe we should have been

telling each other a little bit. We should have been telling people, you don't look good. You look scary. The blue contact lenses make you look like you're like a character from Third Rock from the Sun, if that show had any black people in it whatsoever. I've never seen that show and I know it was on for a long time. It is great. I am thinking back, I watched all of it. I do not think that there was a single black person on that show ever. I think there's a lot of shows where there's no black people, which is crazy because like

black people are everywhere. They're all over the place. There's one right here. Siobhan. What? Can I ask you a question? Are you single right now? I'm so single.

Okay. Yeah. Dating here in LA. It's bad. It's not fun. It's, and here's the thing about it that I've found most frustrating. And at this point, I'm somewhat like, I'm just like abdicated from the situation.

That's a good word. If a man falls into my lap, what am I gonna do? Say no? You go, ah, sir, are you okay? Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh I'm not like out looking because I think that the men in Los Angeles have forgotten that dating should be fun. And there is an attitude of like, they're trying to get one over on me. They're trying to trick you. These women are trying to trick me into having a nice dinner.

How dare they? Just get really confused. I was like in a situation for a very long time where this person wouldn't say they were my boyfriend, but they were doing like boyfriend things. That's so stupid. I don't get it. Like, why? Why?

I don't understand the logic of it. Like, what power do you think that you're giving away by saying, actually, I like this person? Yeah, well, I mean, they said that they liked me. We even, like, we said... Like, only in private. Well, yeah. They're like, don't post me on Insta. Oh, absolutely said that they liked me. We even, like, we said... But like only in private. Well, yeah. They're like, don't post me on Insta.

Oh, absolutely not. I couldn't. Because how could they be single to other people? Right. It's just like, but I don't understand the whole like, what is the phrase, having your cake and eating it too? Yes. It's like you want to look at your cake, but then you want to eat the cake?

And especially right now, like, I love polyamory for other people. I love it for them. They seem to be having such a nice time. It's simply not for me. No, I like being in a relationship. It's fun. I like going to the movies with somebody and doing a little bit. You know, and not being like, oh, you can't hang out with me because you're hanging out with with your other girlfriend or whatever whatever the fuck you're I? Fully pulled a name out of my head free. I said oh, that's an English Freya is a very name that is not a name in this country. When did you move to the States the States?

Um, I was so my mom moved here when I was 17 and a half Which is what how I got a green card my stepdad's from glamorous Orange County, California. Heard of it, Dana Point. Okay. They were the only Democrats in the neighborhood. There was one other Democratic family, everybody else was very scary Republicans. It's a very, very red place.

Red place. So you got here at 17 and a half. So I got here at 17 and a half. So did you date at all in England? In the UK, only in the way that, and I went to university in the UK, because it was free, and it was only three years. And I was like, I don't want to go to university. And my mom is a professor, and she was like, I will,

I don't know what to say to you if you don't get a degree. And preferably a PhD. And you have a PhD? No. I barely got through my degree. So wait, a degree in England or the UK, why do you call it the UK and not England? Because those two are different things.

What the? Wow, welcome to the, Siobhan explains. So England is one of the countries in the United Kingdom. Oh yeah, because Scotland's part of it. Scotland is part of it. Wales is part of it. Wales. And Northern Ireland is part of the UK. But not South Ireland.

Ireland is its own country and its own thing. Northern Ireland, because of complicated colonialism based reasons that have nothing to do with me, come, don't fucking come from me about it. Okay, but why don't they call Ireland South Ireland? Because if you were from a place, and then your colonizers said, we're going to call this place Northern Ireland,

why would you then go, great, we'll call our place Southern Ireland? They're like, we are Irish, and we think that Northern Ireland should be a part of Ireland. Wait, what? Yeah. Okay, so Ireland is a place. Please don't make me explain the troubles. It's gonna be really long.

This is not what this podcast is about. They cut it up, and then the top part goes, we're Northern Ireland. And we're not part of Ireland. And Ireland was like, okay, cool. Well, they didn't really say okay, cool. They said, well, your guns are bigger than us. I don't know, I just think it's wild.

There's a South Carolina and a North Carolina. There's no Carolina. Yeah, but that's also stupid. Like there's a North Dakota and a South Dakota. There's five people that live in each of those states. That should be one state. And maybe not a state at all. Don't, I look, I'm stupid and a comedian.

Don't come for me. Everyone's gonna come for you. You're saying states shouldn't exist anyway. Okay, so did you date when you did university in the UK? I didn't have like a serious boyfriend through university. I just, I don't know really why. I just was like, I think honestly a lot of it was, and this is something that we had in common,

was insanely undiagnosed ADHD. Oh yeah, it was pretty bad. Yeah. But I was like barely hanging on. It's tough. Whenever I forget to take my medicine, I was like, oh my God, I was like this every day, the whole day. Just fucking annoying. So annoying. I was, I mean, I'm annoying medicated., all day. Just fucking annoying. So annoying. I mean, I'm annoying medicated.

Yeah, same. Yeah. So, and like not doing my work and like running around and drinking so much. Yeah. I had a fun time. I had a really fun time. I just did not have a significant other

during that fun time. Did you date at all? Like you said you didn't have, like, a long term... In England, there's a different sort of structure to dating. What's the structure in England? So you just, in England, it's so easy. You have sex with somebody, and then you go, do you want to keep doing this? And if they say yes, that's your boyfriend.

And there's no, like, talk? There's no talk. It might have changed because of the bullshit around like dating apps and stuff. But certainly when I was there, it was a very immediate situation. Not that people didn't do like Friends with Benefits or anything like that.

But like everybody was in agreeance. There was no like, there's this weird hierarchy of dating in the States that I've frankly, I've lived here for 20 years and I still don't have a full handle on. Okay, talking. There's a talking stage. There's a talking stage. And that can last a year.

Oh, sure. But then there's a dating stage. But when you're dating somebody, that's not, you can be dating multiple people at the same time and that's normal. And if you have a problem with that, that's on you. Yes. Because you have to have a talk. Because you have to have a talk. And then at that point, you're actually in a relationship?

I guess, but like, I guess everybody has to agree. So to my knowledge, there's talking, which is just like casual. We like, maybe every couple months we talk or whatever. And then there's dating where it's like, I see you like once a week. And then you have a talk where you're like, I guess this is a thing. And then you see each other more than once a week. I don't know.

We're 40 years old. It's confusing. I'm 72 years old. And I'm like, when will I fucking get the hang of this? Somebody tell us the rules. Nobody told us and we're just out here raw dogging it. Truly. Literally and figuratively.

Yeah, I'll raw dog you. Yeah, I'll like, can't. Anyway, so you do a show called Dimension 20. I do, great segue. Dungeons and Dragons. It is Dungeons and Dragons. Are there any nerds who get into your DMs? None at all.

Wait, really? None at all. Huh. And to be fair, I don't know if dating a fan is necessarily for me. Sure. Again, I'm not fully close to it, but also my DMs are closed,

and let me tell you why my DMs are closed. To protect myself from the DMs that I get from very lovely, very well-meaning, kind people who tell me, thank you so much, I was gonna kill myself. And then I found your show. And I am really, I feel very lucky that I am, like I work on a show.

Wait, how many DMs have you gotten? Sometimes multiple a day. I was gonna kill myself until I saw you playing Make-Believe. Yes. Not to like minimize it, cause like entertainment can change lives. It can really change lives and I'm very happy that people are figuring out like, oh, I was in an abusive cycle with my parents and I saw your show,

and that made me realize that I needed, you know, great. I absolutely adore that. It is bad for my mental health. Oh, yeah. Suddenly I'm like, well, do I have to do something? Can I help more? And then I die. I mean, I- Then I kill myself because of the burden of responsibility

that I have. No, don't do that! We have very different experiences with fans. My fans are like, I showed my arms today, even though I'm fat. And I are like, I showed my arms today, even though I'm fat. And I'm like, you go, girl. No one's ever like you stop me from killing myself. I can't imagine someone being like, wow, you talking about your pussy really, really drag me out of my depth of despair.

I guess dating a fan would be complicated because then you have to ask yourself, it's like, do you like me? Or do you like the gnome I created? I don't know. I've only played Dungeons & Dragons once. I really think you'd be great. It's just improv. It's just improv with dice that like give you

like a randomizing element to the improv. And you're great at improv. When I played, I was an elf who looked like Naomi Campbell, and I would cut the Achilles heel of people. That's great. That's great. That's a perfect character. No, no. Wait, do you play the same character or different characters? No, it's every season.

Well, we've done a few repeat seasons, but generally we do... It's sort of like an American Horror Story type situation. We're playing completely different characters in completely different situations each season. Yes. So it's like a 20-episode season, we'll come up with a completely new situation each time.

I get it. That's nice. Wait, okay. When did you have your first boyfriend? I want to get back to Lov. Oh, God. Fun little segue? Yeah, I have had such bad luck with boyfriends. I think that the first one that was like, oh, this is a boyfriend, was like an improv teacher in Chicago.

Sad. Don't date your improv teacher. We've all done it. Yeah, I mean, honestly, I think that's maybe the best advice you could give someone taking an improv class. And I do think that... Don't fuck that man. He's not as funny as you think he is. And he doesn't think you're as funny as he is saying.

So he can slip it right in. Yeah. And then, I was really in Chicago. I'd been in New York for a little bit, waiting tables. And like, just figuring out how to be an adult, and not really, like, I'm supposed to be out here doing things with my life, but I can barely hang on, again, the ADHD was hitting really hard. I had to go back to England for a little family emergency, as sometimes happens, and then did not have enough money to come back to New York,

so I moved to Chicago, which is where my mom was living, my step-brother was teaching at the University of Chicago at the time. So I moved to Chicago, which is where my mom was living. My step-dad was teaching at the University of Chicago at the time. So I was taking improv classes in Chicago. And then as soon as I made enough money to come back to New York, I was like, bye. Bye, gotta get out of here. And goodbye, sorry.

I don't actually like you that much. Well, did you hook up with anyone in your improv classes? I did not. But only because I... there was nobody in any of my improv classes that I wanted to hook up with. Fair. Fair. Um, I... and I also like, I...

when I am having like a one night stand, I do like, I like there to be a separation of church and state. I get that. You don't want to walk into a theater and be like, oh, hello. Like I didn't want to be like, oh no, now I am, suddenly I'm in 401 with you. And I thought that this is, you know.

That I could escape you? I could escape you and then I ghosted you and now I have to have a 401 class with you. Wait, you ghost people? I have ghosted people. I am not a serial ghoster. I can't. I'm a people pleaser and then I feel really bad.

And when I think about it, I'm like, no, these people actually care that I didn't want to see them again. But I'm like, best of luck. I just really wish you the best. And I had a lot of fun and best of luck. Lots of best of luck is what I say to people. Is ghosting a one-night stand bad? If they text you again, I kind of think so.

I guess so, but it's also like, did you think that this was gonna be more than a one-night stand? Yes. Yes, I'm always more than a one night stand? Yes! Yes! I'm always believing that a one night stand will lead to something else. I'm so sorry. I am always just like, maybe this person will love me. Which is, you know, sad.

I'm so sorry. It's okay. But I did hook up with a lot of like improv people. So like I'd like constantly be in like rooms where I'm like, oh, I've hooked up with multiple people. I have hooked up with improv people. It's not like I haven't. But I was like, I was careful about it and quiet about it.

And even then I was like, oh, shit. I once matched with this guy on OK Cupid. That's how long ago it was. Wow. And he was like, oh, I've seen you perform. And I was like, oh, OK, cool. And he's like, do you want to go out? And I was like, sure. And then this is a person that I kind of ghosted.

I didn't really respond. And then he walked off the elevator when I was working at UCB. And I was like, ah! And I dove under the desk. I need to be for people to know how small this desk was. It's a very small desk. It's not a big desk. And very close to the elevator.

And also like you can just walk around the back of the desk. You sure can. And see that person. You sure can. And I remember looking up and there he was and I was like, ah, he saw me. And I was like, hey, and I was like, ah, he saw me. And I was like, hey. And he was like, hi. And then, I don't think he said anything then,

but then we were like in a class together. And it was so deeply... Do I know this person? No. So deeply awkward. And then I ended up dropping the class because I was so weirded out by the scenes he would initiate with me.

Or like, I would be on the back line and I'd look up and he'd be staring at me. And I was like, oh, man. There was a guy in my 101 class. 101 class is notoriously filled with psychos. Yeah. But I think even among 101 classes, pretty good, this psycho.

So this was a 40-year-old man who had been a doctor. Very mysterious about why he wasn't a doctor anymore. Which is always a good sign. And now made his money by doing stand-up busking. So he would come into class with like a granny cart with a tiny amp and a microphone because he would be out on the streets of New York doing busking standup.

What is, so he would just do standup on the street and like get money. What is busking? Oh, busking is like, is that an English word? It's just any like street musician or street performer is busking. Maybe other people knew what it was. I sure didn't.

Great, well, this is a real cultural exchange. I'm learning. Northern Ireland, Ireland, don't like it. Uh, busking, that's when you're in the streets, having a nice time. Um, and he, in the middle of any scene that he did with a woman, and there were a lot of very young women in this class because it was a summer intensive, and so it was were a lot of very young women in this class because it was a

summer intensive, and so it was like a lot of like, I'm, it's my last year of high school, I'm going to college next year. In the middle of every single scene, no matter what the scene was about, he'd be like, you know, I find you very attractive. Oh no. It's like, sir, I'm playing you, dad. Oh no. Honestly though, funny choice. Oh no. It's like, sir, I'm playing your dad. Oh no. Honestly though, funny choice. The teacher also, to be clear,

didn't do anything about this and that's on him. I wanna know who this teacher is. I will tell you after the podcast. Okay, fair, fair, fair. Cause I probably know who they are. You absolutely know who they are. But honestly, I would love the challenge of that. Of like an older man being like,

I find you very attractive. Dad, you can challenge of that. Of an older man being like, I find you very attractive. Dad, you can't say that. I'm your son. Yeah. But it was also like one-on-one, like low level improv, and I'm sure you got this as well, because you are not,

you don't fit into the I'm an Improvisor box in the same way as I don't. In that we're not sad white men who are wearing shirts that their mom bought for Christmas 25 years ago and have rips in them. The struggle that I had to make people not make the game of the scene me being British. That is funny.

Look, it's funny sometimes. Because I'm like... But if we're like, hey, we're in a family scene and then somebody's like, and why is our daughter British? That is funny. It's funny once. It's not funny in every scene that you do in every class. I guess.

I guess. I guess. I think you're just not seeing the joy in your jolly voice. No, I'm kidding. No, that would be very annoying. It's annoying. It was annoying. No, I get that. Okay. So, you didn't really date in England. Did you date a lot in New York? I am not a... I don't date that much.

I am picky. And I don't date that much. I am picky. What is your type? I would always rather be somebody who is funny, who isn't intimidated by me being funny. Okay. And that is why I'm so picky. Okay. Actually, they don't even need to be that funny.

I think it's more... I get a lot of early days of dating a guy going, oh, oh you're funny. Oh really? Yeah. Nobody ever says that out loud to me. Nobody ever has been like, wow you're funny. I think that that's because you, part of the fantasy of you is how funny you are. People look at me and go, I get to date a classy British blonde lady. Look at me. And I think that so many men at the beginning of dating,

and women do this too, but that's not my problem, are really just looking at the shell and like the list of like, how is this, how is me dating this person gonna make me look cooler? You know what? I did just read something somewhere, don't know where, where it was like, love is not how that person makes you feel. Love is like what you would do for them or something. Like the other person's not supposed to make you happy. You're supposed to like come into it happy.

And then you're supposed to find someone who like compliments you, but not like complete you. I think that was the gist of it. It's tough when you read things and don't retain all the time. We're doing great. We're medicated sometimes. Sometimes.

We're not annoying at all anymore. I mean, I was out with a guy that I was dating, and I was being a true Looney Tune. And then he was like, did you take a nap? And I was like, no. He was like, did you eat anything today? I was like, no. And then he went, oh, okay. Oh, goo-goo-ga-ga. I just thought it was funny that he was like, I gotta get to the anything today? I was like, no. And then he went, oh, okay. Oh, goo goo gaga.

I just thought it was funny that he was like, I gotta get to the bottom of why you're acting like this. I was like, wow, that's nice. I did find it nice, because I was like, oh, I think I am hungry. And maybe I could be normal after that. See, that seems really attractive to me, to somebody who is willing to take the time instead of going, you know what, actually I can't.

I can't do this. Yeah. Because I've dated a lot of people who are like, I can't. I can't. This is not... This is too much. This is just the most. You're talking a lot. I love to yap. You're a giggler, you're a yapper.

Ugh. Wait, do you have any icks? Oh my God, so many. What? Give them to me. Um, I think... dressing like an improv guy is a real ick to me, which did make not dating at UCB very easy. Like the improv uniform of like, disgusting t-shirt, disgusting plaid, disgusting hoodie, one pair of H&M jeans

that you wear every day, and you only wear one pair of shoes. Drag them. They deserve to be dragged. Yes, Diva, drag them. This is truly radical love. I want you to dress better for yourselves, but also for me. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. That is so funny. I did I did find that, like...

I would dress up for shows and I'd be like... I not only would, like, I would dress up for shows. I had men tell me, uh, the way that you're dressing is making people think that you're not serious and, like, making, like like it's distracting from the comedy. And I was just dressing not like them. Distracting from the comedy. And unfortunately, if I did dress like them,

they were nicer to me. Ew, I don't like that. I hated it. We're not there anymore. That's rude. We made it and they didn't, it's great. Siobhan, real quick. Yeah.

We gotta take a break. We gotta take a break. Oh baby, this podcast is brought to you by Squarespace, the all-in-one platform to create a stunning website for whatever you're into. Whether it's selling your products, showcasing your talent, or building your online brand, Squarespace has everything you need to make it happen.

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You're, that's a reasonable guess. It's back to Ireland, baby. That's an Irish... When I look at it, I'm like, yes, Sohobian. How do we get Siobhan out of that? Well, Gaelic is a very different language to English. Do you speak Gaelic? Not in any way, shape or form. I'm not Irish at all. My parents are just hippies and thought the name was cool. How do you know so much about Northern Ireland? Just kidding. I'm from England. How do you know so much about Northern Ireland? Just kidding.

I'm from England. It's even see... How do you know so much about New York? Nothing. Because I'm American. I don't know nothing. Wait, you wanted to be an archaeologist. What the fuck is that? That's like digging up bones

and dusting them? Digging up bones and dusting them, yeah, that's pretty much it. I didn't want to be an archaeologist. Well, you know, it was a compromise with my parents of like, I wanted to go and be an actor and they were like you know, it was a compromise with my parents of like, I wanted to go and be an actor and they were like, that's not real, go and get a real degree.

And so I got the least real degree that I could possibly get. I did work as an archaeologist for a while. It is more of a real job in England than it is here. Oh, I guess because England's older? More bones? Because we have old stuff, there's like laws about stuff. There's a lot of laws in England about like, if you want to build anything, an archaeologist has to take a look at it.

And sometimes it's just an archaeologist looking at a map and going, yeah, sure, I don't care, there's nothing there. Or it's like, sometimes an archaeologist has to come and stand next to the digger as you're digging and you have to pay for that archaeologist. And sometimes it's a full like, the big dig that I did was in my hometown, they knocked down a very

ugly 1960s shopping center and to rebuild it as a nicer shopping center. And they had to do two years of archaeology and pay for that before they were allowed to build anything, because Bath is a World Heritage site and there's Roman shit and all kinds of stuff. So did you find any cool bones? Not at all. I struck out so hard in archeology. I think if I'd found one cool thing, there's a possibility that I'd still be doing it. The amount of drainage ditches that I discovered,

the amount of is it a rock or is it a rock that somebody made into a tool that I discovered, I truly found nothing in really interesting places. And even to the point where like, we would dig, I would be there, nothing. I would leave, they would find the fucking treasures of the Sierra Madre, you know, like. Really?

I think I was like a bad luck. Maybe it's just because you weren't meant to be there. I really was not meant to be there. Wait, did you meet any hot archaeologists? Yes, there was one hot archaeologist, but actually he was a classicist. A what? A classicist. He's a... so he was like Latin and Greek.

Like the language, like languages. A linguist. A classicist? Yes. And that's a linguist? a cunning linguist. A classicist? Yes. And that's a linguist? So I did a, like a summer abroad in Greece. Ooh, where?

Mykonos? Oh, yeah. Cause I fucking love Mykonos. No, it was an academic study. Okay. So we were like getting up. Thessaloniki? No islands, mainland Greece. Athens. Athens, Delphi, Corinth. Thessaloniki? No islands, mainland Greece.

Athens. Athens, Delphi, Corinth. Thessaloniki I think is mainland. It's very possible. My memory of, it was a long time ago. Fair. And it was mostly women on this trip. There were a couple of boys on the trip. We don't need to talk about them. Okay.

Not worth talking about. But the guy that was one of the boys on the trip. We don't need to talk about them. Okay. Not worth talking about. But the guy that was one of the guides on the trip... Mm-hmm. ...was a guy who now does TV stuff. Ooh. He's so dreamy. He's a presenter? He's a presenter.

That's an English way of saying host. He's a host. He's a host of, like, archeology shows now. And he was dreamy. Oh, my goodness. But then, I don't know, you go home. That's the end. I don't know. Okay, so there was no romance. There was no romance. It was just 20 very horny 19-year-olds

going, that is the love of my life. I would follow him to hell, and I am following him to the entrance to hell in Greece. I mean, there is nothing better than being young and being like, this old man is so hot. And like, old man, he was like 25. Oh, yeah. I mean, but that's old to like, a 15-year-old or like a 16-year-old.

Like, I loved one of my teachers. Uh-huh. It was my US history teacher, and I was like obsessed with him. And anytime he smiled at me, I'd be like, oh my God, that smile is for me. And it's like, this man didn't... He felt nothing for me. Like, absolutely nothing.

But I was like, one day I'm gonna get old and I'm gonna love you. And I have not returned back to Middletown, New Jersey to see... Maybe he's waiting for you. Maybe that's why you've been single this whole time. If Mr. Balfe is waiting for me, I would die. This is the whole mock movie. This is it. I wonder if he's old now. Well, if he was 23 when you were 16,

that's an entirely reasonable adult... And I'm 72, so he's at least... He could be dead. If he was 23 when you were 16, that's an entirely reasonable adult age gap. And I'm 72, so he's at least... He could be dead. 90? That's how it works. That's math? That's how it works.

Wait, Siobhan. Yeah. I have a question. She's looking at the clipboard. She's reading the words. I'm looking at my notes. So wait, okay, so you moved here. Yeah. To be... did you keep the, okay, so you moved here. Yeah.

Did you keep the archeology going when you got here? No. You immediately dropped it? No, I immediately, I worked as an archeologist, realized, oh no, I can't do this for the rest of my life. This is not, this is gross. And you also get paid no money. You get paid no money and you're just covered in mud the whole time.

You're a construction worker, you're wearing a high-vis vest. I'm too glamorous for archaeology, unfortunately. I get that, but I met a garbage driver. A garbage driver? A garbage truck driver. And he was like flirting with me hardcore. And I was like, I could ride in a truck. And I don't know why I was like, that was my immediate thought.

I was like, I want to get in that truck with him. You want to get in a truck with him. Yes. But think about what your shower will look like. Yeah, maybe I'll be stinky sometimes. But like, imagine riding off into the sunset in a garbage truck. I think being in a garbage truck would be easier

than archaeology. You think? Yes, because you get to sit down a lot of that. You're just sitting- But why can't you bring a chair to the site? You just can't. You're like- Like a cashier at a grocery store, you guys stay. Yeah, exactly.

Well, you're like in the mud. You're like squatting most of the time. Squatting? Yeah, you're popping a squat. You get very buff in very weird ways doing archeology. Do you have like Megan Thee Stallion knees? I guess you haven't done it in a while. I haven't done it in a while.

But like my thighs got very beefy. Big arms, because you're wheeling around like wheelbarrows full of rocks. I don't know. This is hot. But then a little pouch of a belly, because you do no ab work whatsoever. And you're also drinking a lot of beer.

And then the tan lines. I'm coming into it, you're wearing boots, steel-toed boots and then shorts, so you're only tanned in between those tan lines. And then when you lean over, you get like a line on your back from when your t-shirt rides up. That's fun. I have the ADHD. If I was dating an archaeologist and they were naked,

I'd be like, oh my God, I can draw you! And then I would draw things. Draw them like one of your French archaeologists? Yeah, I would like draw little socks on them. Ha ha ha ha ha. I'd have a nice time. Wow, you are a baby. You just want to go to a restaurant

where there's a coloring component. Are you kidding? Yes. And anytime there's like kids stuff, give it to me. That's your like ideal situation. Is like they give you a little four pack of crayons. Yes. And a chicken finger. I went to the Cheesecake Factory the other day. Every time there's like kids stuff, give it to me. That's your like ideal situation. Is like they give you a little four pack of crayons and a chicken finger. I went to the Cheesecake Factory the other day

and I was like, do you have a children's menu? Because I didn't want a big burger. I wanted a little burger, but I didn't want a slider. Well, I think that at Cheesecake Factory that makes a lot of sense because the children's size portions are a normal adult size portion. They give you too much, but you want to know what my favorite thing at Cheesecake Factory is?

I would love to know what your favorite thing at Cheesecake Factory is. It is an apple crumble. And there's nutty topping on top. And if you get it with extra nutty topping, it's really fun. It's so good. Nicole Byer loves the nutty topping. We skipped over this. I do love the nutty topping, because I love nuts. So what are your icks?

So it's boys who dress poorly. Oh my god. Negging. I hate negging. And again, negging was just like, you stupid bitch. Just somebody being mean to me, I'm like, great, I'll never talk to you again. And I think that that's so much a part of dating culture now. I think that that is also why I don't date very much.

Because as soon as somebody is mean to me one time, I'm like, you're dead to me. I think that that's so much a part of dating culture now. I think that that is also why I don't date very much. Because as soon as somebody is mean to me one time, I'm like, you're dead to me. But like how mean? What is an example? Well, here's the thing. We're dating. I think the difference is you can be mean to me

because you know the difference between rassing somebody and actually being mean. What's a mean thing that someone has said to you while it's negging? I don't know because immediately it happens. Just like flames. I just, the world turns red. The level of rage that is in my body if somebody is mean to me.

That it's like internally all I want to do is either kill them or cry. And I can't do either of those things. So I have to walk away. Okay. Like it really hurts my feelings so much. I can't even think of a time I was negged. I don't even know what a neg sounds like. People aren't negging you?

Maybe because they're like, Nicole's too funny. I can't negg her. Again, nobody has ever said you're funny. Nicole, you know that you're... I know I'm funny. I'm having a nice time. I think that if I've ever had a conversation about who the funniest person is, I think that you've maybe won 98% of those.

Oh my God, I love being a winner. You're... You're the funniest person. It's not nice, it's unfortunately true. I wish I was funnier. If I could beat you, I'd be like, oh my God, thank you so much. Wait, what's another ick? Um, that is a big one. I think not having the wherewithal to plan, I think is a huge deal for me.

I don't have kids. the wherewithal to plan. Okay. I think is a huge deal for me of like, I don't have kids, I've chosen not to have kids. I don't want to be a mother to a man. And just the very basic ability of like planning a date is another hurdle that almost all men seem to fail at. And it seems so easy and it's like, hey, do you want to go to the movies and then grab a drink? How hard is that?

It's so easy. It doesn't have to be like... I truly was about to be like, what dates do you want planned? I know. It doesn't even have to be expensive. It doesn't have to be crazy imaginative. Just like somebody who is willing to take initiative in that way and not just like, sex. Which I do. I, you know, sex.

Which I do, I do want to have sex. Yes, we all do. Unless you're asexual and that's okay. And we support it. We love our asexual fans. Yeah. But, yeah, the ability to plan and have a fun time. I really have had a hard time in the last few years

of people being like... It's like they're acting like I'm trying to lock them away from the world. That's what a relationship is. You're locked away from the world. You can't go out there. I want you to stay in my basement. I will throw you little scraps and occasionally I will show you one titty if you're very good.

Why just one? I don't like the other one. I don't want them to see it. They come in pairs. Wait, what's another ick? Wait, what are your icks? Do you talk about your icks in here? Yeah, when a dude goes down on you

and kicks his little leg. I don't like that. That's upsetting to me. That is upsetting. Um, not cleaning. Takes me right out of it. Not cleaning, not being, not being clean is like a huge ick to me, especially if like. Like what kind of. Straight men have in the last 10 years discovered that they like their asses eaten and they will ask for that even if it's crusty.

And I simply am not going to do that. Have you encountered a crusty butt? Are you kidding? A mud butt? Are you kidding? They're out there Nicole. Have you had a mud butt? I've seen it.

I've not touched it. I've not certainly not put my tongue on it. What do you say when someone bends over and they have a muddy butt? I am too English to say anything. Wait, so then, okay, so a guy's like, eat my butt, and you go, okay, and then he bends over and his butt's muddy, you're not going to say anything? Then I would say something. If there was a specific instruction given, and I didn't want to do it, then I would say something. But here's the thing, that doesn't go very well. Well, no, nobody wants to hear they have a muddy butt.

They don't want to hear that they have a muddy butt, but they also don't want to do anything about it. Like, they would rather cry. If you have a muddy... Have you... Has a man cried with you? Yeah. We never had men cry, no. No, I think we're leading different lives. I really do think we are. But like the level of defensiveness and like,

you're like, again, I think so many men, I think because I have this like sweet round face. I also have a round face. People think that I'm, like, nice. And, like, I'm gonna mother them in some way or be, like, sweet and kind. And actually, I do think, like, saying, hey, you should clean your ass...

is sweet and kind. I think it's nice. But... it's not taken. I would have so many questions. I'd be like, doesn't your butt itch? I'm sure it does. Also I do also think that this is specifically a white man problem.

This is not a problem that I've encountered with anything other than white men. Yeah, it might just be a white man problem. It's not just the butt, but like generally there's like a level of like if you have disgusting daddy toenails and you don't like clip them properly or deal with the fungal infection that you clearly have or whatever nasty... Wow. There's so many men with absolutely rancid feet. Again, we're really different.

You're just missing these people. We gotta go out. We gotta find some nasty toes. Imagine that's what I'm into. And then they're on your bed and you're like, I don't, please don't touch that. Please don't put your disgusting fungus feet on my bed. There was a lady who worked at a butt doctor's office,

a butt, what's it called? A podiatrist. No, that's P. A proctologist. And she said that like a, a lot of times, men will hop up on the thing with their butts out, sit down and leave skid marks. I have a friend who was seeing somebody, and to be fair, this is...

He came over to her house twice. So after the first time, I do think somewhat on her. But they had sex the first time I do think somewhat on her But they had sex first time she noticed afterwards there were skid marks on the bed He was she was like maybe this is a one-off situation Shit marks in my bed, but because they had shit just sitting in their butt. I'd be like, no! What is that? But it would be confusing for me

because I'd be like, is that my makeup or their butt? The second time it happened, she was like, hey, what's up with this? And what he told her was, I'm too big to wipe my ass. Ah! And I have seen a picture of this man, a normal-sized man. I'm too big to wipe my ass. And I have seen a picture of this man, a normal size man. I am too big to wipe my ass?

But he had convinced himself that he was so fat that he could not wipe his own ass. Normal size man, or at least that was like a reasonable excuse to tell another human being. I'm fat and I've been bigger. I've been bigger, I've been smaller. I've always wiped my butt. You've always wiped your butt and I'm sure you would find a way.

I watch my 600 pound life a lot because I love Dr. Now. He's so funny and kind of ruthless. But like all of those people find ways to wipe their butt. Look, if you want to you find a way and if you have to do a cloth on a stick. There's no shame in that. That's just how you wipe your butt. That's how you wipe your butt. Boy oh boy you wipe your butt. Boy, oh boy, I'm really upset. It's really upsetting, right? I'm too big to wipe my butt. You're never too big to do anything.

I've heard too many stories like that. Too many stories of men. And like, I've read also stories online, so who knows how true they are, but of so many men being like, it's gay. It's gay to touch your butt. Including wiping. I know.

So in conclusion, that's a big ick for me. Oh, my God. It's gay to wipe. I just... I feel like it gets itchy if you don't like wash and wipe your butt. I agree. Right? But I do think that they're itchy all the time because they're also using like 13 in one hair and body wash, they're not moisturizing.

Like maybe they just think that being kind of itchy all the time is normal. I don't think I could be a man. I think you'd be excellent at it because you wouldn't behave like this. I guess, but I have the knowledge now, but if I was raised... I think my mother would have told me about lotion. I would have hoped so.

Again, I do think that this is more of a white person problem than a black person problem because black boys do... get taught how to moisturize because that's like... an important part of my culture, yes. I love my washcloth. I love a washcloth. I don't understand why you wouldn't use a washcloth. Whenever I'm in a hotel and they don't have a washcloth, I'm like, wait, what?

Why? Yeah. How am I supposed to bathe? That's also good. Like, how do you take your makeup off without a washcloth? I don't know, but I will tell you this. I have used full-sized towels as a washcloth. As you should.

Right, I just fold it up and it's sopping wet. And I'm like, really getting down into it. You're getting your workout done at the same time as us fully eating. I'm sopping wet and I'm like, really getting down into it. This is wild. You're getting your workout done at the same time as us swillying. Okay, let's take a break and we'll be right back. And we're back.

So what turns you on? What is the thing that's like, okay, Siobhan's ready to go. I like this. I mean, just, it's so ephemeral. I do think it is quite ephemeral. What's that word? Like, um...

It's hard to put my finger on it. Okay. I do think that being able to carry the bit is really important to me. Um, I also think that, I don't know, that being able to carry the bit is really important to me. I also think that, I don't know, just generally being nice and kind and funny is very, very, very attractive to me. And then, I don't know, like somebody who's willing to make the first move, I think is very important to me.

I kind of like being a little princess in that way. Somebody who's willing to make the first move, I think, is very important to me. I kind of like being a little princess in that way. It's my most like, hee-hee, I'm a girl kind of... Uh-huh. Opening the door. It's like, oh my goodness, I could have possibly done that myself. I'm so tiny. I'm schmalt. I'm so tiny.

That kind of stuff I care less about, like, of like, oh, pulling out the chair for me. I, and then, I don't know, it's like being good at sex makes sex more fun, and that seems like a really stupid thing to say. But like... But can't you just tell somebody things? I absolutely can tell people things. I don't think that they... That doesn't always go the way that I want it to.

I don't know whether I am saying it wrong, but I do think that a lot of men resent it when I tell them. Okay. That they are doing it wrong. Okay. I could... Pretend I'm a man, and I just went. I could, it totally could be me. Pretend I'm a man and I just went down on you, but I bit you by accident.

Okay. Ow! Ow, Nicole Laura! Sorry about it. Ow! Sorry, do you have any notes? Yeah. Yeah, my note is get out of my house and take your disgusting feet off my bed.

Oh, sorry, okay, bye. Wait, that's what you would say? You wouldn't... If they... No, I mean, no. Well, I guess I picked an extreme circumstance. That is an extreme circumstance. I think that, um, I get a lot of maybe because I...

I give off somewhat like, again, like maternal or teachery sort of vibes, that when I am giving them what I think to be helpful notes, especially in a one night stand situation where you're like, I don't know this person at all. Yes. It reads to them as me telling them that they suck in bed and are a bad person and like are morally bad and should maybe like go die in a ditch.

But are you saying those words? No. What are you saying? Not at all. Higher, lower? Oh. I'm not, there you go. That's kinda wild.

Normal things, normal things. I think that I, maybe I just am having one night stands with the wrong people I'm realizing, or was in my 20s. I really don't do that anymore because I've had so many, not even mediocre one night stands, but like, actively bad, like, hey, you need to stop choking me. I know you've watched it in porn,

you need to stop doing it. Hey, once again, please stop choking me. This is not what I asked for. I feel like choking is a thing where you have to ask. Choking, absolutely. Cause it's not like baseline sex. thing where you have to ask. Choking, absolutely. Because it's not like baseline sex. That is not like baseline sex. And I'm not against kink.

Choking for me is like, well, I'm not horny at all. In fact, I'll never have sex again. Well, also like in a one night stand where like, I don't know you because there has to be a level of trust. But also I am a girl who's like, yeah, choke me. Like, whatever. I don't know, maybe I'll clean this world. Maybe this is it.

Maybe this is... Whatever. But I do think that like, it can't be like a baseline thing. You have to ask. No, you have to ask. Absolutely have to ask. Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, dating is scary. Yeah. You're like literally sitting across the table from somebody that you're like, I mean, dating is scary. Yeah. You're like literally sitting across the table from somebody that's like, I don't fucking know you. I don't know you. And then we're gonna go back to your place. I'm gonna be like, oh, this is a mattress on the floor. Oh, my God. If I ever see another mattress on the floor. It's a mattress on the floor.

And especially now we're fully grown adults. We're 78 years old. 80, 12 years old. I mean, how could you... I also am like, Now we're fully grown adults. We're 78 years old. 80, 12 years old. I mean, how could you, I also am like, how is that, I had my mattress on the floor for like a couple months before I was like, great, I saved a hundred dollars. I'm gonna go get a bed frame.

They're so cheap. But like, it's not comfortable. It's really not. I simply don't get it. I don't get it either. And then you have to like flump down onto it. Yes, it's truly wild. I'm like, there's nothing sexy about flopping down

onto, like, a bed on the floor and being like, come down here. And then they have thousands of dollars in records and, like, video games. Yes, and, like, little Funko Pops. Oh! A Funko Pop specifically is maybe my biggest dick. I dated somebody who had Funko Pops,

and he was so hot that I was like, I just have to deal with that. It's so... Were they on display? Yeah. Nicole. Yeah, they were. Yeah. Like around the room, so like they're all looking at you? Oh, their dead eyes just staring at you while you fuck. Well, I did something... He was so beautiful. He was so beautiful.

You... It was okay. No, I get it. Just about. Sometimes beautiful people, you're like, that so beautiful. It was okay. Just about. Sometimes beautiful people, you're like, -"That's fine." -"It's fine." -"It's whatever." -"The aches are different." It's graded on a scale. I recently was going through pictures, and I was married for a little bit,

and I wore my blue contacts in my wedding photos. And I was like, who let me do this? Who? Who? I looked so bad. Pay your debts. No, I took improv classes. I also had these nasty little bangs. I was like, everything looks bad.

And I was just walking around like this free. You looked great. No, I didn't. No, I didn't. There was so many several ha... So many several. So many several hairstyles that I had that were nasty. Oh, my God. Wait, so tell me what, like, what are you looking for?

You want someone who's hot, who's smart, who's nice? How hot is that? In Los Angeles, it's full of hot, smart, nice people. It is. Everyone is so kind here. So nice. There are a lot of hot people. The smart and the nice is a little bit more challenging. Are you on the apps?

Actually, smart and nice is more important to me than hot. Hot is very fun, but kind of gets old a little quickly. You know what I really... Okay. Have you seen Mask? The... The Cher movie? No. I have not either. No.

So I haven't either, but I watched a trailer for it. And it's about a kid with a face deformity or whatever, but he seems so cool. I dated a lot of people who were much less attractive than me and I will probably do it again. He looks like a Keebler elf. That's what I want. The challenge with dating somebody less hot than you is that then they are like, well, if I can date her, maybe I can date somebody else.

Or they're like, I can't date you because you're too hot and it makes me feel bad. Like, those are often the two. Have people said that to your face? Yeah. People are so honest with you. They are. And actually, I don't like it. I would rather they lie.

Ha ha ha ha ha! Oh my God, that's wild. Wait, are you on the apps? Are you on... They are, and actually I don't like it. I would rather they lie. Mwahaha! Oh my God, that's wild. Wait, are you on the apps? Are you on Tinder? Not Apple. I find the apps to be fully useless to me. Okay. Because men don't know how to have a conversation. Yeah, but how long do you wanna have a conversation

before you meet up? I need to have one conversation. Yeah, but how long do you want to have a conversation before you meet up? I need to have one conversation. Like what? Like just like, hey, let's keep up a conversation. We are volleying back and forth. Actually, honestly, that is important to me. Really? Really important to me, being able to have a conversation.

Like before you meet? Yes. That's unfortunately a thing that I find very attractive, and I find the inability to have a conversation very unattractive. What if they're not good at texting? What if they're good at in person? They're problem. Oh!

Like, you're on an app where it is a text-based app. Because there's no phone-based apps to call, and there's no app for you to meet up with someone immediately. That's Grindr. I, that is why I can't do the apps. Because I just got so tired, and I would barely ever meet anybody.

Because for me, having to, Being able to have a conversation, honestly, is the most attractive thing. But what if they can have a conversation in person? Then they should practice being able to do that same skill on text. That is a skill-based issue. But is texting that important? Yes. To me, it is.

I'm not saying that it's important to everybody, but for me personally, Is that important? Yes. Huh. To me it is. Okay. You know, I'm not saying that it's important to everybody. Sure. But for me personally, if I am holding up 100% of the conversation, because you know this as a funny person, like I can go in and have a good interaction with almost anybody where they leave it going, -"That was great." -"Uh-huh." I need them to do that for me, and I do not get that very often.

Okay. Huh. Like, the banter is important to me. I don't mind giving like a... The shtick is important to me. Like, if you... As long as you answer me, I'm happy. Like, you don't have to be good at it. You don't have to, like, hit me with jokes or whatever.

Just, like, answer. Answer my queries, answer my anxieties. But, like, in person, if it feels good and you're funny in person, that's good for me. Yeah, I... I'm sure 90% of this is me getting in my own way, but it really it drives me I mean you're not alone a lot of people are like yeah, you have to be able to communicate well Yes, and and it really is like the number one most important thing to me is to be able to maintain a conversation

And like show that you're interested. Yeah, you know I think that being interested being open, is one of the most attractive things that a person can be. And... I understand being horny, because I am a horny little devil. I'm horny all the time. I'm horny all the time. I'm wet right now. But like, we could all masturbate.

Like, if you are just looking for somebody to use as a sex toy, that's great. For a relationship, like, it has to be more than that. And I'm not really interested in one night stands. Like, I would love to be in a relationship. The process in Los Angeles right now for me to get into that relationship is so hellish. Yeah.

That I'm like... It is tough. So, wait, are you meeting people, like, in real life? No, how would I do that? It's Los Angeles. I mean, the way I said that, I truly felt like an alien. I'm just not dealing with anybody. because people don't leave their houses, and then there's so little work at the moment that you can't even have like a fun little workplace dalliance.

Mm-hmm, that's a good word. But what if you like got some single gals together and went to the bar? Because even there, the guys don't know how to talk to women. Or I think maybe talk to another human being. I am not unconvinced that they're robots and they just kind of... It didn't help. It really didn't help. No. But you'd think that the pandemic would make people better at texting,

and it didn't do that either. Huh. Because we were just text- space for like three years. And then they just played Animal Crossing and got high. And I say this as somebody who played a lot of Animal Crossing, got very high. I did too, but I kept fishing and getting boots. It was really upsetting.

And like cans, I was like, what the fuck? And then I chose a face, but then I was like, I don't want that face. So then Mono had to help me to get a mirror. And I was like, this the fuck? And then I chose a face, but then I was like, I don't want that face. So then Mono had to help me to get a mirror, and I was like, this is such a hard game. You played for ten minutes. You played ten minutes of this game. I played for like a month. I never got a house. You played for a month. That's like a day one thing.

I know. Everyone's like, I can't believe you don't have a house. And I was like, me too. Can't believe I'm unhoused and Animal Crossing. Jesus Christ. Well, Siobhan, we have reached the end. Oh! I have a question, a query, if you will. I've asked almost everybody this.

Would you date me? Nicole, I would date you in a heartbeat. Because here's the thing, you're open, you're intelligent. You know how to carry the bit. You're fun. Can you plan things? I don't know. Listen, I'm an idea factory. You are an idea factory.

But like, execution. You're in, look, yeah, this is two carts in need of a horse. Two carts in need of a horse? I like that. Well, that's it for this. Shavon, do you have anything that you want to promote? Um, I don't know. Watch Dimension 20. It's pretty fun. Stops people from killing themselves, apparently. But there's other things about it as well. Do you have live shows? You had one. We have some coming up. We're playing Madison Square Garden in New York City. That's really fun. Tickets are Madison Square Garden in New York City.

That's really fun. Tickets are sold out. Oh, just kidding. Tickets sold out in 10 minutes. Honestly, iconic. I've never done that. Pretty wild. So that's on January 25th?

For whatever reason, I really was hoping to say January 6th. So I was like, yes, a celebration! The insurrection! I think I'm gonna have a party next, and I was like, yes, a celebration! The insurrection! I think I'm gonna have a party next year for it. I love that. A dress-up party? Yeah, everyone wear your best red, white, and blue. We're gonna come to Texas.

Hey, I'm an American citizen now, and I love this country. Yes! And then we have other shows that are coming up next year, but they're not on sale yet, so. Oh, well. Keep your eyes peeled. Keep your little dang eyes peeled.

If you like this episode of Why Won't You Date Me, you can like it, you can rate it, you can subscribe and stuff. You can give me five stars on Apple Podcasts. No. Yeah? I don't know. I've done this podcast for so long, and I continuously mess up the intro and the outro all the time. You're perfect. Anyway, but if you write me something nasty hitting on me

to whywon'tudatemepodcasts at gmail.com, I'll read it. No dick pics because I don't, I don't like aggregate it all. Mars does and she doesn't want no dick pics. No, no, nobody wants a dick pic. I mean... Nicole does want a dick pic, but she is an outlier in this.

This is something that in our three million years of friendship, she'll take it. She's the only one. She's the only one I know. But I only really want it next to something for scale. My dearest Nicole, I'm going to eliminate every seat in the world, so the only place you can sit is right on my face. That's beautiful. That is nice.

That's really romantic. I like that. I don't know. They're anonymous, so I can That's really romantic. I like that. Are they single? I don't know. They're anonymous, so I can't even follow up. But honestly, wouldn't that be wild if I walked around with a person and then every time I sat, they had to become a seat. It's very Tom Wamskans from Succession. I don't watch that.

Nicole. I've never seen a Succession. Nicole, watch three shows on television. What do you watch? What do you even watch? I mean, that is a great question. What do I watch? Um...

Porn. Okay. Your own reflection. Your dog biting waiters. Yes, these are all things I watch, but I'm watching Entourage right now. And Jeremy Piven is the actor of our generation. Nickel. Okay? Jeremy Piven is the actor of our generation.

He is incredible. He is so good in Entourage. I'm not even kidding. I'm being so earnest and genuine right now. I am on a season where his plugs are having a hard time. So he's wearing interesting hair pieces. Uh-huh, sure. But like...

Flowing in the wind. That's fine. I get it. Hair is a hard topic for some men. Um, so I'm not like really digging in on it, but like every episode is different. And then I'm like, but the... It's not matching in some parts. But honestly, Entourage is a great show.

I'm on season six. There is eight seasons in a movie. A movie? Yes, and I think I'm gonna have a party. So I can watch the movie. I'm so excited. Wow. It really shows like, like fellowship and how like men can have like bonds. Oh, okay. So this is a fantasy.

It's boy sex in the city. Essentially. Okay, actually that does sell it to me. It's great. Well, bye bye. You've been listening to Why Won't You Date Me with me, Nicole Byer. This show is produced and edited by Mars with executive producer Anya Kenovskaya. It's engineered by Casey Donahue with guest research by Lindsay Kempf.

Our VP of content at Headgum is Katie Moose and our theme music is arranged by Mike Cometay. Ah, thanks for listening. We'll be back next week with a brand new episode. See you then. Okay, bye bye. That was a Head Gum podcast. Hi guys, I'm Ago Wodim. Check out my new show, Thanks Dad, now on Head Gum.

I was raised by a single mom and I don't have a relationship with my dad and, spoiler, I don't think I'm ever going to have one with him because he's dead. But I promise you that's okay because on my new podcast I sit down with father figures like Bill Burr, Kenan Thompson, Adam Pally, Hassan Minaj, Tim Meadows, Andy Cohen, and many, many more. I get to ask them the questions I've always wanted to ask a dad like, how do I know if the guy I'm dating is the one? Or how can I change the oil in my car? Can you even show me that?

Or better yet, can you help me perfect my jump shot? I am so bad at basketball. Oh my gosh. Maybe I'm bad at basketball because I don't have a dad, but subscribe to Thanks Dad on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Pocket Casts, or wherever you get your podcasts. New episodes drop every Monday. ["Sweet Home Run"]

Hi, I'm Caleb Herron, host of the So True podcast now on HeadGum. Every week me and my guests get into it and we get down to what's really going on. I ask them what's so true to them, how they got to where they are in life, a bunch of other questions, and we also may or may not test their general trivia knowledge. Whether it's one of my sworn enemies, like Brittany Broski or Drew Fualow, or my actual biological mother, Kelly, my guests and I are just after the truth. And if we find it great, and if not, no worries.

So subscribe to So True on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Pocket Casts, or wherever you get your podcasts and watch video episodes on the So True with Caleb Heron YouTube channel. New episodes drop every Thursday. Love ya!