Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - I got 99 problems... palsy is just one (w/ Maysoon Zayid)

Episode Date: August 13, 2021

Comedian and actress Maysoon Zayid was born with cerebral palsy. She chats with Nicole about some of the cruel comments she receives about her disability, the struggles comedians of color face in Hollywood, and shares her wild industry rejection stories. Maysoon also advocates why speed-dating is a cost-effective and efficient way of finding love, and helps break down the current Israeli-Palestinian conflict. Black Lives Matter. For a list of resources and ways to support, see blacklivesmatters.carrd.co. Follow Nicole Byer: Tour Dates: linktr.ee/nicolebyerwastaken Twitter: @nicolebyer Instagram: @nicolebyer New Merch Store! podswag.com/dateme Nicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me, a podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single, even though you comedian co-founder of the New York Arab American Comedy Festival and the Muslim Funny Fest her TED Talk I got 99 problems palsy is just one was the number one TED Talk of 2014 it's a Maysoon Zayed did I say your last name right yes you did which is amazing I did it I practiced I was like i can't fuck this up

me soon i was trying to distract you i was trying to distract you i was sailing a kitten in front of the camera to see if i could throw you off but you are a pro you are unflappable nicole thank you i was just i i just i don't know I move around a lot, so I don't. It's not distracting for me. I'm always just like, I'm just moving. You're going to make me very still. Maysoon, how did you get into comedy? Hollywood rejected me. They hate disabled people They were just like no

We only like to show disabled people Who are miraculously healed On the red carpet If you are disabled You better not be darker than a paper bag So I was like trying to find Someone in the media who looked like me Who did I find

Which is hilarious Richard Pryor Shaking Ambulatory wheelchair user who looked like me who did i find which is hilarious richard pryor shaking ambulatory wheelchair user darker than a paper bag funny as fuck and i was like i'll become a comedian and then i'll do a movie with gene walter i love it i love it what a fabulous plan we met when we met i guess two years ago at this point, or maybe three years ago. I don't know. Time is irrelevant. Where did we meet? We met at a Hello Sunshine show.

Yes. Yeah, and you were fucking annihilated. Like, it was such a joy to watch you. And I love that, like, one of the first things you say is just like, don't fucking feel sorry for me. And then everyone's like, well, oh, she knows. And they're like, well, we don't know what to do now. But I just love that you like disarm them and then fucking everything you said. Should we tell the audience why people feel sorry for me?

Oh, yeah, sure. All right. Like, because right now they're like, maybe they Googled me and they're like, she looks like the lost Kardashian. Like that ain't bad. Like what's wrong. She's maybe a little drunk looking. Um, so 99 problems with palsy is just one of the joke that I do on stages in the oppression Olympics. I'd win a gold medal. I'm Palestinian. I'm Muslim. I'm a woman of color. I'd win a gold medal. I'm Palestinian. I'm Muslim. I'm a woman of color. I'm disabled. I'm divorced. I live in Jersey. But I think that what you were talking about is the fact that I'm disabled and like people always feel bad for disabled people, but they also feel really good

for themselves. Like people love seeing a disabled person and being like, you know what? My life ain't that bad. Like I have people walk up to me and be like, you are so brave. If I was you, I would kill myself. That's so fucked up. And I'm like, I'm from Jersey and I may kill you because no one will find you in the Meadowlands. And I'm slappy. you in the meadowlands and i'm flappy that's so fucked up that people feel like they have the right or just the privilege to be able to say that to somebody like you know that's not an exaggeration no i absolutely know yeah like i'm just as a fat person going to the gym sometimes

oh my god i'm so proud of you i'm like you don't fucking know me get out of here with that bullshit i love when people are proud of me because anytime like a random person is like i'm really proud of you i'm like because i ate a turtle and they're like what wait what just happened because but in all seriousness one of the things that i um i talk about a lot is that like i grew up without social media and i really think that if i grew up without social media. And I really think that if I grew up with social media, I wouldn't be doing the work I'm doing. Because if I was in dancing school games, standing ovations, I thought I was dope. I thought I was good. I didn't know they were clapping because I was a cripple on point dancing to Wind Beneath wings i just like that meddler i didn't realize i was inspirational

but like if a video like that went viral and every freaking person commenting talked about crying oh who chopped the onions like no i'm fucking talented why are you crying why am i inspirational why are you proud you have nothing to do with my achievement. Are you entertained? Because that's what I'm actually trying to do. I'm like a fucking gladiator. I didn't even fucking think about that. Like the Instagram comments of people being like, this is inspiring. Like thousands of people just being like, this made me cry. And it's like, well, it's just, you know, a person dancing, a person expressing themselves. If a person without a disability didn't make you cry,

why does the person with a disability make you cry? You know which one is really telling? When they're like, captain of the football team takes wheelchair user to the prom. And people are like, I hope my son's like that. And I'm like, how about the wheelchair user's probably a lot more dope. And like, he's lucky she let him be her date. And like the assumption that like, it's always a favor, you know, and that like, it's merciful to just like, let us die. It's so fucked up.

Also, he's in the TED Talk, which I fucking love. It is so simple, but people don't understand it. It is if, no. If a wheelchair user can't play beyonce yeah beyonce can't play a wheelchair user and it's like yes why is that such a why is that such a weird like a thought or or process like it's so insane so it's a couple of different things first of all i chose I chose Beyonce because she can slay everything. And I wanted to like choose someone who totally could do that, but shouldn't do that. Like, and won't cause she knows now, but like, um, I think that there's three factors.

One, people genuinely don't believe we can do it. Like the idea that we could act our own roles, that I could play a person with cerebral palsy does not occur to them. And that's in the TED talk. When I auditioned to play a girl with cerebral palsy and I didn't get it, they said I couldn't do the stunts. And I was like, well, if I can't do the stunts, neither can the fucking character. But A, they think we can't do it b hollywood is supposed to be an escape and it's okay to watch you know sean penn be down syndrome but then like be perfectly healed after he smacked the teeth out of you know madonna on a red carpet but they don't want to see disabled people who don't get healed because, quote unquote, normal people feel bad about themselves when they see a disabled person achieving something they can't.

This has been told to me in meetings. Oh, damn. That is honestly, that is so fucked up. But also, it makes a ton of sense. Yeah. And it's so fucked up but also it makes a ton of sense yeah and it's really fucked up so like i sold a tv show i yeah i saw that on deadline i was so excited yeah well i was trying to write it and they said to me if she's too successful she'll make normal people feel bad and then i was like someone hand me the kerosene and a match because I'm burning the shit to the ground. And like they put my character.

I have cerebral palsy. The resting position of the arms of most. We're not a monolith, but most people with CP is that of a kangaroo. They put my character in pink boxing gloves so that like when she wanted to psych herself up, she was like a kangaroo in boxing gloves. They had her stand on the bow of a ferry and scream. I have cerebral palsy like Leonardo DiCaprio from the Titanic. When I as a creator, panic when when I as a creator my one instruction was we are not writing the characters disabled she is because I am and like now I'm on general hospital I'm just like a recurring character because I'm a comic and I can't be there all the time but like that character is not written as

disabled she limps into the courtroom and nobody's like she's limping aren't you proud like she's so i had actually instructed them that i wanted this character to not be about that because in the sixth episode i wanted her to try to go into a club and have a bouncer say are you drunk she says no i'm disabled he goes are you the? She says, no, I'm disabled. He goes, are you the R word says the R word and she punches him. And that was supposed to be the moment in the series where we watched her and we're like, oh shit. Did you see what they just said to the girl we love? The idea was to create a character that you either wanted to fuck or be friends with. And they said, if she's too too successful normal people will feel bad you freak

without saying you freak but it's implied and so i have no tv show but i'm on your podcast and that's like adjacent to a tv show on like tbs i mean honestly you just talking through that arc is like entertaining and i fucking want to see it do you know i want to see that i want to see her fucking own her power in a way where she's not standing screaming about her disability but she's just like go fuck yourself and it's like i'm powerful this way because i can stand up for myself god damndamn. I had her in the love triangle. They stripped her down to pining after someone she's liked since she was five that doesn't see her. I had her in the, like, steamy love triangle. Because that's what people want to see Muslims do.

Come on, admit it. Yeah, give it to me. Give me all that shit. Lost Kardashian Muslim vibrates. That's what they want. But no, the TV show thought they wanted me to be meek. That's insane to like literally take a meeting with you and be like, this woman will be meek. Like I met you for like five seconds and was like, oh, my God, this woman is full of fucking joy and energy. This was like one of the most cathartic moments of my life that you just said that seriously like sorry to have a moment on

your show but like that's what i'm always thinking like people sign me up for shit and then they're like wait she she's not gonna fold herself into a pretzel and change her name to Diamond and Silk. And I'm like, do I look like a Candace Owens to you? Because I'm not. That's who they think I am. And I think it's because they broke so many stronger people. Like, look what happened with Fresh Off the Boat. Look what happened with like Margaret Cho. So many people of color went in. They were told if you don't do it this way, it doesn't get done. And they bent to it because they really, I mean, I remember people being like, you ain't going to walk away. And I was like you ain't gonna walk away and i was like dave chappelle walked away and they're like you ain't dave chappelle yeah but you're a person

with like values and shit and it's like why put something out in the world that like doesn't feel good because i'm disabled and in the united states of america that's so expensive i have like one goal in life and that's to keep my ass. I'm an institution, nursing home, disabled living. So being able to do a TV show that pays me like $65,000 an episode would have created the nest egg. So a nice woman named Lydia could come and wash my hair on Thursdays. But instead I was like, I will not be your monkey. You'll get Lydia some other way like like falling on a sidewalk crack and suing me on this i mean that's i there's this man who rides a bicycle every day on my street and i keep thinking i want to like throw something at him or

fall down so he like falls in love with me so I'm right there with you falling on cracks trying to get people's attention and shit Mason are you single I am I got I got divorced after 10 years in September it's very yes it's very interesting because prior to getting married, I could only date Palestinians. My parents didn't care what religion they were, but my dad said he'd throw himself off the George Washington Bridge if it wasn't a Palestinian. I had watched Law and Order too many times, floating buys, didn't want it. So I married a Palestinian because I had to. And also I had to be a virgin because that was like a big thing back in the day. Like now, not so much, but back in the day.

And so now this is the first time I can date whoever I want. And this is the first time that like I don't have to be like, no, you can't kiss me unless I have a diamond from Tiffany's. And I hate people so much. I don't know how to approach it. So I don't know how to approach it. Like I don't know how to approach it. You know, it's been great being on tour for 10 years and like, you know, these really gorgeous people would come up to me and I'd be like, I'm sorry, I'm married. And now I just be like, I'm sorry. I don't like effort. Like I don't know what to do. Like, I don't think I'm good at it, but like, I have to date because 80% of Americans said they wouldn't date a disabled person.

So like, I'm the queen of the disco, disco dance for disability community, disco. And like, I have to be a role model. So I think I need to date someone like, like ridiculously out of my league so that people are like it can be done what an insane survey like also yeah like are you at the grove and someone comes up to you like would you date a disabled person they're like uh no like at the grove at the grove they would say yes because of the parking. Because of the parking. They'd be like, yeah, I would totally do that.

Yeah, absolutely. I get to park a little closer. Give that to me. I lived on Hollywood and Gardner from 2006 to 2009. And I convinced every parking attendant at the Grove that disabled people park for free. And it was completely untrue. And no one ever charged me i owe the grove like six hundred dollars that's so funny i love it i truly love shit like that we were just like i don't know i guess i'll just why do you because you're not gonna follow up on it And it's not money out of your pocket. There's a thousand cars in here. I'm a struggling actress. And by struggling, I mean, I struggle because I have palsy.

Where do you live now? Are you in Jersey? Jersey forever. Yeah. So I have a house in Palestine, but it's like a little like mommy there. But I'm Jersey. I'm born and raised in Jersey. I'm a shore rat. I live right next to the George Washington Bridge. I'm waiting for Broadway to open like I'm scratching my veins. I'm Jersey. Jersey. Sometimes I miss Jersey. I'm from Jersey, too. I'm from central Jersey, Middletown. Central doesn't exist. It's really just north or south. I know. I want to like quick, funny Jersey thing. On Friday, I got to meet with the secretary of state, Tony Blanking, because that's how I roll.

And like, you're supposed to be respectful. And I literally started the meeting by going, Tony, you know who I am. I'm from Jersey. I can't control my tone. And he was like, you know, so like I literally preface meeting. People are always like, I can hear you. And I'm like, I know I'm not trying to be loud. I just am.

I'm speaking over smog. It's loud. That's what I like about you. Like, you speak loud. You speak your mind. You like a lot of stuff about me. Yes, I just like you. Thank you.

Namaste. Yeah, it was just so fun, like, doing that show, listening to your stories. And then I think we went to dinner after. And, yeah, it was just like, you're easy to be around. And when we go to dinner, I would, like, tell the waiter, I'd be like, I need you to chew up my food and spit it in my mouth like a bird because I have no coordination. You did say that. And the server truly was like, I don't know if this is real. Nobody else at the table is saying that it's not true.

It was so funny. And you were like, I'm kidding. And they were like, oh, OK. So wait, are you on apps at all like are you trying twitter no apps no like tinder or bumble seven different, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Seven different things. Number one, you get killed big when you're disabled on an online app. Like, big, big, big. They know we can't run. We're like the fucking wounded duck.

And it's just the kill. I'm in the Meadowlands, full circle. Number two, I'm highly desirable. Like, half of Saudiia wants to own me and then like the rest of the world like i i have high stock a lot of people actually want to date me i don't know what to say i know that's disturbing to people but like really decent like wealthy money's not a thing for most people for me we talked about the assisted living it is you gotta get lydia lydia's gotta come wash her hair on thursday it's coming somehow like we gotta get a lydia and also like i don't know if you know like i'm really blessed and lucky to be like a

successful comic and like i did the thing where i dated guys who made less money and I didn't want them to feel bad so I'd pay their way to shit I could afford I'm done with that like you can either afford what I can afford or it's probably not gonna work but that's shallow but like yeah I don't need apps because literally I have like a list of emails of guys who are like, saw on Facebook, you got divorced. My net worth is $831 million. I have like a pizza conglomerate in San Luis Obispo. So it's just me having to do it. And like right now I'm still like in some weird limbo between COVID and my career just being like so dope that I don't know if I want that kind of ball and chain. All right. Fair. And I have a cat and I have a cat. I mean, what a treat. I wish I wish my my inbox was flooded with the men's

wanton me. It's dry. It's real dried up. You know what it is? So my cerebral palsy is different than everyone. Like some of us are wheelchair users. Some of us are nonverbal. I shake all the time. So I'm literally like a vibrating bed and I look like the lost Kardashian. So even though I'm fluffy, it's like she vibrates. She looks like the lost Kardashian and even her mouth shakes. I am what men want oh boy i really fucking love that imagery like a man would just like lose his mind being like wait so your mouth will shake if uh if i put something in it so if i uh just put maybe something of mine in there it's just gonna shake i maybe something of mine in there, it's just going to shake. I'm like, it just naturally slacks. It's just slack. Like, I have a slack jaw.

My, yeah. Real quick, we have to take a break. I'm like, what are you? I feel like I just want to get a job. Like I've never had two and a half minutes of standup on any late night show. And every Arab or Muslim comic I've trained in my life, because me and my friend,

Dino Badala founded this thing called the New York American comedy festival, post nine 11 combat images of Arabs and Muslim and media. Every freaking comic I have ever trained has gotten like their late night set. Except for me. No one will put me on because they think I'm inspirational. I'm like, I'm sitting here with you and you can't breathe. And I'm not even trying to crack you up.

I'm just having like a conversation. So like I've never gotten a stand up spot. I don't get a stand up special spot i don't get a stand-up special i don't get to be on anything like i love grinding the grind and fighting the fight but like it gets tiring at some point to be like really megan mccain has a job and i'm in my basement i mean it is pretty fucking wild because i feel like you've been in the game for such a long time 20 years yeah it's like not even have a late night set is so I feel like you've been in the game for such a long time. 20 years. Yeah.

20 years. To not even have a late night set is so wild to me. I've been in the game 20 years. I had a book on the bestseller list for six weeks and the most viewed TED Talk of 2014. And I can't get two and a half minutes of stand up on like Channel 12 local news on a Sunday. i mean it's so wild to me it's just so weird like when you find somebody who's like talented and then like i don't know like i feel like the things that make you an uh like an other make you also very special because it's like you're not so so much of an other that like someone's not going

to understand what you're talking about because I'm Jersey because like inherently I'm relatable you're very relatable and it's funny in the beginning of the TED talk you kind of watch people be like I don't know if I'm allowed to laugh I don't know if it's okay. And then I think it's the Jersey joke is when people are like, oh, not only do I feel it's okay to laugh, I like genuinely like what I'm watching. I just I don't know. I always step on that stage. I'm like, yay. But like throughout my career, I've understood really quickly, like the amount of fear that people have for who I am and the amount of hate, just like deep, deep loathing they have for who I am and that the ability to go on stage and see a person just look at you with venom and then crack them up because you found like that one thing, that one thing. But, but when I'm like cracking up these people, like, I'm not here to lecture you. I'm not here to change you. My job is to make people laugh.

So I'm not the person that you're going to take to like get Trump voters to understand that Muslims are human. Like that's not my jam at all. So like I know that people are scared when they look at me, but like when I connect with those kind of people that I want to, I'm hoping that like the next three things they do in their life are better. Yeah, I like that. What's like your ultimate like, I't know what's your ultimate like job like what do you what's like it's the view the view it's been the view you would probably be really good on the view it's the view i would be incredible on the view because like as i just

said i had a meeting with the state department right that means i can do the politics thing you know i'm a comic so i'm quick on my feet they have never in 21 years have a visibly disabled woman like that's such an important conversation to have and then honestly for at least the past six years they have had virulently virulently anti-islamic anti-arrab commentators from Candace Cameron-Bure to Meghan McCain. And, you know, like Abby Hunson liked to dabble in it. She wasn't like big on it, but they liked it. And I think it'd be incredible to have a strong Muslim voice sitting on that couch in these conversations that we've been excluded from for way too long. So the view is the ultimate, ultimate job because I don't, I love Oprah. I don't want the Oprah Ellen thing because I don't want all the responsibility.

I want like 20 minutes, not an hour. Yeah. I don't think I could host my own talk show. That's like, that's too hard. I can, I can do anything you pay me for, like literally except for anal. But like anything else. You just got to get some poppers. No, I can't. Like, I'm very spastic. That shit will break right off.

Well, if there's any of you producers who are listening to this podcast. They're listening. You know what you you gotta fucking do. They know. And what I've been told is horrifying. Wait, really? Yes.

I need to tell you the worst story ever. It's the worst story ever. All right. I'm ready. So in 2002, a year after nine 11, I did a PBS special called Arab American Stand Up. It was America at a Crossroads post 9-11.

So The View invited me and my partner in comedy crime, Dean Obidala, onto the show to talk about our appearance. Right before I went on, they bumped me. right before i went on they bumped me and they replaced me with a muslim woman comic who had been on stage three times whose entire routine entire routine and i have the clip it's on youtube was stripping off her hijab and throwing it behind the couch oh no and i was never invited back again oh fucking no i mean i don't understand why people are so afraid of hijabs. Like, it's just a piece of fucking clothing. No, no, no. It's not that they're afraid of hijabs.

The comic who replaced me's entire routine was stripping off a hijab and throwing it behind the couch. Like, I told jokes jokes she did that yeah they bumped me for that like i was like what just happened it's funny because it's like or not funny it's like awful because it's like you tell jokes and then she was doing like a a statement like a yeah for like a bunch of white people to be like yeah they don't even want to wear them so you'll love this because we're both fluffy the whole joke was you know white like western men are always wondering what's under my hijab and then she does the sexy strip and she's a big girl and it's like not sexy. So on top of that, it was like some weird self-deprecating big girl thing.

And I was like, I was like sitting there and like Vera Wang, like ready for my closeup. And I'm like, what the fuck? But I have one even better. It's really quick. Cause I know we have to go and this isn't a therapy session. I was going on MSNBC

and I was getting my makeup done and they bumped me and replaced me with Dean without warning him. But my makeup was half done and they had done like the really strong contours because I have olive skin. If you don't, I'm green on screen. And so I asked the makeup artist if she could finish my makeup and she handed me wipes. Wow. Yo, people are bold around you. They are. They are.

Can you finish my makeup? I'm just going to give her wipes. I'm not going to finish it. And I'm not even going to take it off. I'm just going to have her do it. It's so wild. But but like i win like everyone's always like shoving me under the short bus and like right now thank god my god bless i have a comic book series with scholastic i'm going out and shopping a docu-series a road trip movie and a lifetime Christmas movie. Yes. And so like, and then like,

I became the queen of basement virtual comedy. My corporations love me. I'm like the Willy Wonka golden ticket. They check off every diversity box. Sometimes I feel like when I do corporate gigs, the people that watch me did something wrong. And like, I'm their assignment.

He's like, okay, we have to watch this woman with cerebral palsy okay uh i guess i'll come to work on time i guess i'll come to work and then i always get at least one person who's like you know my neighbor's dog has three legs wow yes comparisons wow comparisons to animals are fucking constant constant that's people are truly the worst like that's true that's so insane that's not my first thought ever when i meet a human being to be like oh yeah my dog also you know, my dog's just like that. Like, yeah, that's I mean, everyone. I can understand why you don't like people. Throw them away.

Start over. That's why you meet you meet the guy of your dreams. You go home with them. And his brother goes, I'd rather see my son run over by a Mack Chuck than dating a cripple. And you're like, wait, is this true? That did happen to me in like the late nineties. Boy, boy, boy, boy, boy. Really, really, really, really wished I had a Mack truck and could have run him over and been like,

are you sure? Cause you can't take that one back. I'm a genie in a bottle, Shakira, Shakira. That's truly so wild. What is dating like? So before you met your husband, what was dating like? So our girls don't date, we get married. So before I met my husband, I snuck around extensively and like couldn't do anything.

Not because like my father would have never harmed me in any way. And like that type of thing. It was just like, I didn't want to disappoint him because he was the dopest dude ever. But I was convinced that if I did have sex before I got married, I would 100% get AIDS. And this is like when it was not treatable, I would also get pregnant. And I knew that pregnancy would kill me. so it was like a whole ball of like don't open your legs which is really stressful when you're dating in jersey like i mean it's like the prerequisite prerequisite it's like before you go out on a date it's like you're gonna fuck me right and you're like uh no the thing is i can't feel my left arm at all. It vibrates. And if I place it in your lap, none of us are responsible.

So it's consensual, consensual, yet not voluntary. No, let me tell you what dating with me is. OK, terrifying because you have to keep up with me. So like I talk, you have to talk. And if you can't have like a dialogue, I literally will just look at someone and be like, next. And they're like, what? You know, but again, I was married for 10 years, 10 years. And like my divorce was like not messy or anything. Like I got married the very next day. I was like was like oh i'm bad at this i

don't want to hang out with anyone every day and then like when we finally got divorced i was like be free i'll dance in your wedding i'll pay the scholarship for your kid yeah because he's a good egg he's a chef ug a chef and a refugee ergo chef ug uj i love that yeah but i'm i'm not crazy i'm not a crazy dating person like i'm not the person who's like text me every day or like i'm the person who literally just wants to meet someone with a house in the hamptons who only wants to hang out on thursdays you honestly have a very busy Thursday. Lydia comes to wash your hair, and then you'll see your boyfriend.

I mean, this is a stacked fucking Thursday. This is my person, friend. I can do whatever I want now. There are no rules. How did you meet your husband? I met him in a refugee camp. Okay. So have you ever seen the movie dangerous minds yes coolio gangster paradise so there was this movie called dangerous minds michelle pfeiffer

goes into the hood she saves people's poetry so the second intifada had broken out in palestine like basically like people were dying left and right. And I was like, I'm going to go to Palestine. I'm going to teach kids comedy and save their lives. And then I went there and I was like, oh, this is a brutal oppression where you're being ethnically cleansed for being the wrong faith. I need love. And that's how I met my husband. Like, this is really intense. This is really upsetting and depressing uh somebody please hug me so literally exactly so literally at the time we met the church of nativity in bethlehem was being bombed and they put us under 40 day curfew

and i was like i literally need a hug and he was like i volunteer as tribute and everyone was like, I literally need a hug. And he was like, I volunteer as tribute. And everyone was like, nah, dude, she's crazy. And then he came to Jersey and got a food truck and live the merry life. And in the pandemic, we're like, this ain't fun. And we can't do this for 40 more years because we didn't breathe and so i think you should go have kids and i'm gonna go to abiza oh abiza i love dancing i love i want to go to abiza it's so beautiful let's go to abiza i'll go to abiza let Let's get Netflix to pay for it. Something like, you know, black and white cookie in Ibiza type of shit. Honestly, I think it'd be very funny and it'd be money well spent. Money well spent. Real quick, we have to take another break. And we're back. I, okay, this might be like a heavy topic for a comedy podcast but like i don't understand the whole israel palestine thing is that too much to get into no because it's so not

complicated it's so not complicated it's an issue that the people who do not benefit from justice, peace, and equality framed as complicated in order to scare people from looking at what was right in front of their faces. So here's how it goes. Palestine and Israel are the exact same land. There's no separation. No separation. They're on top of each other. There's no two States. There's no borders. They're on top of each other. Now sit with me. If you're born in Jerusalem and you're Jewish, you have full rights. If you're born in Jerusalem and you're Muslim, you have no rights. If you're born in Jerusalem and you're Christian, If you're born in Jerusalem and you're Christian, you have no rights. This is literally an issue of supremacy. One religion is given full rights. The other religions are given no rights. And those people, Palestinian Christians, Muslims, atheists, are told, listen, we're going to give you no rights. We're going to steal your land.

We're going to throw you in jail whenever we want. We're going to control your water, electricity, your freedom of worship. And if you throw a slipper at us, we will bomb you into the last millennium and scream self-defense. So literally the solution to the Palestinian-Israeli conflict is one state with equal rights regardless of faith. And the idea that the Jewish population would be threatened by equality is bigoted and hateful. Equality protects all faiths. Israel could still be a safe haven for any Jewish person worldwide who wanted to come back while giving equal rights to the native population who are not Jewish. You cannot expect a people who are not allowed to literally breathe to not fight for freedom. I believe in nonviolence. I condemn the killing of children by anyone at any time but in the last

incursion nine entire families in gaza were wiped off the registry not a single person exists anymore from those families what would you do i'd be real fucking mad i mean like the way you break it down it it's it's i like i it's just it's it's i guess for me it's confusing because i'm like yeah stop killing people just like let everyone be equal but wait there's another little thing that no one ever tells you palestinians clean israeli houses we work in their cafeterias. They have absolutely no problem having Palestinians as cheap labor. Two, no matter how hard the powers that be try, Palestinians and Israelis are fucking, you can't separate generations, right? So just like they tried to separate black and white people, you cannot stop people from loving who they love. So we're okay to be

a labor force. We're okay to be the person you sleep with, but we don't deserve equal rights. Sounds like Jim Crow and apartheid to me. Yeah. I mean, it sounds exactly like what that is. It's just, I spent a month, I spent months in America with every scientist going on TV touting Israel's amazing vaccinations and ignoring the fact that they were denying Palestinians access to vaccinations. Oh my God. Medical apartheid that you hear nothing, you know. And then we talk about me never being on TV. During the last invasion, I pitched myself to every single network that I go on for eight million other things like to talk about bullying the Mets, Roseanne Barr, whatever. And I was like, hey, I'm a Palestinian American. I want to go on and talk about like how dehumanizing

the rhetoric from the government is. And like nobody answered my calls. Yeah, it's such like a weird, touchy subject where people have some real hard opinions. But like, honestly, like my opinion is just like, I don't know. Everyone should just be like equal. Why kill people? People in charge are all fucked up. I think everywhere. Like if you like Judaism, Judaism is not to blame for Israeli policies.

It's not. And I tell people, I know it's confusing that when every person of the group harming you is one faith to understand that not that whole faith is bad. I get that that's hard, but Judaism is not Israel. You know, Christianity is not evangelicals. Scientology is fucking weird. I feel bad. Mormons are hot. I'm okay being baptized after I'm dead. I'm fine with that.

Scientology is fucking weird. I feel bad saying that. No, it is. I like went to the Scientology Center in Times Square. This was years ago. And this lady was, she was like smiling and laughing. And she was like, do you like to smile and laugh? And I was like, I sure do.

And then she was like, follow me. And my roommate was like, we're not following this woman. And I was like, we're going on an adventure. So they like showed us this video that was like, what happens in your past affects your future. And I was 22 or whatever. And I said, oh my God, that's right. What happens in your past affects your future.

These people are geniuses. Then they were like, buy this book. And I was like, I don't have any money. And they're like, who has money? Who pays for you to live in New York? I'm like, buy this book. And I was like, I don't have any money. And they're like, who has money? Who pays for you to live in New York? I'm like, well,

my daddy, my daddy sometimes gives me money. They're like, call your dad. So I called my dad. I was like, dad, can I buy this?

Can I buy this Dianetics book? They were like, call your dad? Yeah. Shut the fuck up. Really? Uh-huh. So I called my dad.

I was like, can I buy this Dianetics book? And he was like, uh, what's Dianetics? And then my sister's in the background going no no it's a cult and then and then I did buy I didn't buy Dianetics I bought a book called The Problems With Work because I was unemployed at the time and my dad was like

ask them if they could help you find a job I was like okay I was like can I can you help me with a job they're like we can buy this book The Problems of Work. And then everything in the book was just written so weirdly. Like, instead of writing, I went to the store. It was like, I needed things, so then I went. Because the place had the things that I needed, a store it was called. And you're like, wait, what? So I just, like, kept rereading. And I was like, what is happening?

I was like, I don't understand this. You didn't give up. I didn't understand this. I didn't give up, but I did give up after like one chapter. And then later saw on TV, it was like Scientology is like a cult and the leader's wife is gone. And nobody seems to know where she's at. And nobody's ever going to look for her. Miss Gibbons.

Let me ask you this. What job did you get after that? What job did I get? Oh oh i was a waitress so i just started working at at this place called pernima it's uh on 50 it was it was on 54th between 8th and broadway and it was an indian restaurant slash cabaret room slash irish bar and i was a very bad server oh because that was my hood that time square hood i hung out on uh 46 between 8th and 9th at marlo's and then the hourglass and uh yeah because you know i was like caroline's adjacent i've never performed at caroline's i went to comedy school at caroline's but now gotham is my club and

actually next week i'm at the comic strip oh just in peace richie oh i i hate it i loved richie so much richie was the legend of the comic strip oh yeah i that breaks my comedy heart i do a lot of alt rooms. I don't really do a lot of club clubs like when I'm in New York and then in LA. I'm too lazy for alt rooms because I do I do 200 shows a year on the road. So when I come home, I just want like my short thing. I'm like, Christmas, put me on stage. 200 shows a year is so many.

It's so many. So many. Like at one point I had like 1 million miles on United. And they were like, you get a black car to take you to the airport. And I was like, I'm Palestinian and I'm not falling for that shit. You're going to fucking take me somewhere somewhere at some point i'm getting disappeared like at some point somebody's taking me out if trump had gotten a second term i would be in the deepest internment camp in history i would literally be the dude from Life is Beautiful just making people laugh until I take a bullet.

We are not laughing at that time period. No. Just at the fact that this country got so damn close and we're not that far. Mm-hmm. I think it's truly wild, though, that you literally were were like I'm not laughing at that time period and it's like people they really do like to get mad over every little joke sometimes and especially because

I am who I am it's interpreted differently so I have to be careful and by that I mean a huge Bon Jovi fan Bon Jovi's so fucking hot I didn't realize how hot he was he's so hot I was I didn't realize how hot he was. He's so hot.

He's so hot. I was on an Amtrak train. Oh. And I'm leaving the train in Washington Union Station. And he's getting on the train. And I literally just like ate my tongue and couldn't say anything. He was so ridiculously beautiful in real life. and couldn't say anything. He was so ridiculously beautiful in real life, but there's one person who is so much, the most beautiful person I've ever laid eyes on. So I really lucked out. I got invited to this like fancy schmancy artist retreat in the Ojai mountains in California.

And Michael B. Jordan was there. And I sat across from him for 12 entire minutes and I could not introduce myself. And I am old enough to be his mother's mother. And I literally just like, he was effervescent. He was angelic. I've never seen a more beautiful human being. And Jamie Foxx was right next to him. Jamie Foxx is also pretty attractive. That's what I'm saying. Like, Jamie Foxx is a slice of delicious. And I couldn't even see him anymore. He was just like a blurred out background to like this. And I never introduced myself. Never. I could not get a single word out. I mean, that could have been your man.

That could have been your man with the house in the Hamptons. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. It could have been. No, no, no. Women out there be healthy. No, no, no. You're laying. Michael B. Jordan ain't going for half a century.

Shaky, bakey. Palestinian doesn't really know that how to have sex. Cause she only slept with one guy, but she's willing to try. That's not happening. You got to be realistic. Women out there.

Be healthy is the funniest thing to say to people. Ladies out there. You just got to be healthy. You're not getting, you're not getting Michael B. Jordan. The lady's out there. You just gotta be healthy. You gotta be healthy. You gotta know. You're not getting Michael B. Jordan. You might get Michael Jordan. No, I'm kidding. Oh my God.

I'm so horny. Who's your dream guy? Who's my, honestly, Michael B. Jordan, I think is my dream guy. He's so hot. It's just a given. Yeah. You know who else I love? Who love love divvy digs oh my god he's so hot he's also so laid back i watched this like entire architectural digest thing where him and his wife were like showing off their home it was kind of boring but i was like i just really

like looking at him yeah i think he's so hot and his voice is just so smooth it's so good he's out with muppets i also like anthony ramos i got to see in the heights early thank you i you don't think so he's got such pretty eyes i just i I just, I just hear him in shower just being like, go Allie! I mean, yeah, but when you see In the Heights, you'll get what I'm saying. Who is your first crush? Vin Diesel. Your first TV. What? Vin Diesel.

Well, actually, no, my very, very first one was Patrick Swayze. And then I graduated to Vin Diesel. In which movie? Ghost. So I loved him in Ghost. I loved him in Point Break. I just, oh, God, he's so hot. Or he was so hot.

He was so hot. I like it. Who was your first crush? Almanza Wilder from Little House on the Prairie. Like by Dean Butler. Yeah. I like that. That's a good one. He was my first, first crush. I'm not plugging my book to be silly, but there's an entire chapter in my book about like my choices of who I had crushes on on television reflected like my bad choices in general in life. Because like the next person I liked

was a guy named John Eric Hexum and he was on a show called Cover Girl and he accidentally shot his head off with a stage prop. Oh God. Yeah. So that was my second crush. Okay. And then I went straight to Kurt Cobain.

Oh, okay. And now I'm more of a Daveen Diggs so I had a very long white stage before I before I veered off yeah and I'm in love with and I'm in love with a boy who who doesn't love me back in that way but he's my very best friend it's horrible I'm always in love with men who don't love me back but he loves me loves me loves me but not in that way yeah I mean yeah I have so many male friends that I'm pretty sure love me in a non-sexual way but I'm like come on what is that like what is that because I have the mailbox full of people who are real people not just like guy from saudi who's like marry on me but like what is that like everything is perfect

but you're not what what is that i guess it's like they don't feel a spark or something like they like being like my old roommate we i love him i could never fuck him and I think he feels the same way about me but he's also a homosexual so no that's not what I'm talking about I'm talking about those guys that you hang out with you have like the best time ever they tell you all of their shit and then they're like I met a girl named Susie and you're like what just happened maybe it's like you know too much about them so then they're with suzy they don't tell suzy everything right they're they're confident but then like suzy's the one that like i don't know takes care of their dicks i don't know yeah it is weird i'm with you

on that it's weird that one i haven't figured out because i keep keep reading why won't you date me there's like a screen that we're looking at and i'm like since i told her it's not hard for me again so my advice for people who do want to date yeah give me give me some advice speed dating speed dating nothing but speed dating fuck all the online shit you see date you see what they look like in real life what you do is you sign up for speed dating. They put like 10 girls, 10, well, whatever, we're not getting genderless, but 10 people on each side, you get two minutes to talk to each person. Then you move on to the next seat. At the end of

the night, they say who they want to see again. You see who you want to see again. If you match up, you can go out with that person. And what's cool about it is you see who you want to see again if you match up you can go out with that person and what's cool about it is you see them so like all the shit that like if you connect with and this is just because i'm like a yenta and i think at some point i'm gonna be like the million dollar cripple matchmaker where like i make disco dreams come true but like if they see you and they know you you can all that shit is taken away it's like this is who i am you have two minutes to impress me what you got it's the best way to do it wait have you ever speed dated i've run speed dating tournaments and i've had i've had four couples get married have children that are still married today. Maybe I got to fucking do some speed dating,

but you got to do it right. Like don't go to like a County fair, like pay, you know, pay the, the $200 fee. Yeah. Two,

$300. Yeah. But if you're going out to dinner, if you're going out to dinner, a really good day. Yeah. Yeah. Really good day.

You're going to be spending $150. And then maybe on your look, you're adding another 20. This you're going out with 10 people in one night. So honestly, economically, it's better. It's an investment. And it cuts through all the bullshit of the online stuff. All right. I mean, that's good advice.

And then the third or fourth question, if you're doing this with a guy, third or fourth question, you just go, how's the missus? Because they'll answer if they're married, even though they don't want to. Oh my God. You're fucking sneaky.

Oh yeah. Yeah. I'm smooth. Well, Maysoon, this was delightful. Thank you so much for joining us. We've come to the end. I usually ask all my guests this. Would you date me?

Oh, my God. Seriously. 100% I would. You're super, super entertaining. Oh, thank you. Do you have anything you want to promote? Yeah. Tell people your book. Yes, yes, yes. So my book is called find another dream basically if your dream turns into a nightmare find another dream it's on audible um but if you're deaf there's a pdf so you can also read it and then i'm maysoon.com like the month of may is coming soon maysoon.com it's got my instagram it's got my cat beyonce's you know pictures it's got my tour dates if you forget how to spell me soon uh palsy palestinian i'm the first one that comes up and uh yeah please please uh stay tuned for my scholastic comic book that is coming out it's gonna be amazing

thank you so much for doing this thing soon thank you nicole thank you okay if you like this episode of oh why won't you date me you can like uh rate it review it subscribe i don't know on apple podcast if you send me something nasty hitting on me i will read it um okay three long fingers will burrow up into your gushy folds as I sink a hand into you like I'm exploring a bouncy castle on ecstasy and feel your heartbeat ricochet down my arm. Your pussy will drip like an overwhelmed AC unit in Miami.

Put that dimpled velvety ass in the air so I can pop my cock into it like a porcupine at the end of a Looney Tunes and then carve you up like an industrial corn thresher. Well, thank you. That one was interesting. Okay, bye-bye.

That's it for Why Won't You Date Me? With me, Nicole Byer. Why Won't You Date Me? is produced and engineered by, oh, the sweetest woman I know, Marissa Melnick. It is executive produced by other wonderful people, Adam Sachs, Joanna Solo-Taroff, and Jeff Ross. Thanks for listening. I love you. Thank you so much. We'll be seeing you next Friday with a brand new episode.

What a dream. What a dream. Ha, ha, ha. What a dream! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!