Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Ice Cold Kiss (w/ Tony Rodriguez)

Episode Date: October 19, 2018

Tony Rodriguez (UCB) discusses his worst dates, the importance of communication during sex, and bad kissing. Nicole shares the time she showed her pussy to her roommate.You can play along and see Nicole's Tinder bio and photos on her Facebook page at: https://www.facebook.com/pg/NicoleByerComedyBe sure to rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Leave a dirty comment for a chance have it read on-air.Follow Nicole Byer:Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdatesTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerFacebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedy

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast where I try to figure out why I'm still single, even though I'll let you come right in my open eye. Really? Is that true? I mean, if you ask nicely.

It'll give you pink eye. Will it? Allegedly. Gross. I don't want pink eye. I've never let someone else do that. All right, I'll let you come in my closed eye. I'll let you give me some eyeshadow with your cum. Ew!

Wow, that's a look I've never seen on Drag Race. No, but wouldn't that be a nice dewy look, like a glossier makeup look? Anyway, the voice you're hearing is my guest! You've seen him on Playing House, and you've seen him at UCB Drag Race as my favorite drag queen, Barbara Fella. Oh. Tony Rodriguez! Hello, Nicole Bayer! How are you? I'm fantastic. Thank you so much for being here.

Thanks for having me. How are you? I'm fantastic. Thank you so much for being here. Thanks for having me. Oh, man. Tony, I say this to you all the time, but Barbara Fella is my favorite character I've ever seen in a live performance. My listeners, you probably haven't seen Barbara Fella unless you live in L.A. And you've been to the Drag Race show, but Barbara Fella has nothing to do with Barbbarella and she's out of her mind and she's so

funny i have i have to say one i think barbara fella is the most fun character i've ever done in my life and i have you to thank in large part for even having her in my life because the very first time i performed her i think i was quickly dismissed. And you sort of gave her a second chance. And I think that's where she was sort of born. She's just so funny. I think it's just like the voice, the makeup, the wig, all of it is just perfect. And if you have a chance to see UCB Drag Race at the Franklin UCB Theater in Los Angeles, you absolutely should. It sells out as soon as it's posted,

but you should go. I'm there most of the time. Barbara Phillips drops in. Sometimes competes, and sometimes is just there. She's just there. I love it. Tony, are you single? I'm single, yes.

Are you looking? I am looking. Are you on apps? I'm on all the apps. Are you? Yeah, I'm on all of the apps. Which ones? Hinge, Scruff, Tinder.

Okay, Cupid. Yeah, me too, even though I'm like, what is this? I don't, it's like people can write paragraphs and they really share their lives. You know what? Like, I feel like now I don't even read the paragraphs until I meet someone. Same. I won't read a paragraph. I don't really read the paragraphs until I meet someone. Same. I won't read a paragraph. I don't really read profiles until I'm gearing up to meet someone.

And I go, okay, what are you all about? This man on OkCupid contacted me. We were talking. We seemed to be having a nice conversation. He says, do you want to meet up next week? I said, sure. He goes, you want to come by my recording studio? And I was like, ugh, no.

I know what audio looks like. I don't care. But then I said, sure. And then he unmatched me. And I was like, wait, I agreed to come to your shitty job? Oh. And you unmatched me? You could have invited him to the podcast

studio. Do you want to come to the podcast studio and watch me talk? I mean, I would never invite someone to work because a set may seem exciting, but it's just a lot of like waiting and sitting. Like, why would? No. No. Only if there's like a special celebrity guest star. Yeah.

And you're like, you got to meet them. Or like a wild stunt where you're like, I'm going to be flying through the sky. You want to come? Oh, yeah. That would be fun. I don't know if that's ever going to happen. Can't they do Nailed It on Location? Like Nailed It on an airplane.

I really want them. You know how like TGI Friday, not TGI Friday, on ABC, was it TGI Friday? I don't know. Oh, yeah. Like where Family Matters and all that would be on like one day. You know how like sometimes they would do, all the shows are shooting in Florida! Yes. Disney World.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I wonder if you like nailed it. Disney Vacation. That would be amazing. Where like they send me somewhere fun. Maybe like Fiji or something so it's not Disney World with children. Oh, you don't like children? No. And children now like me and I somewhere fun. Maybe like Fiji or something so it's not Disney World with children. Oh, you don't like children? No.

And children now like me and I hate it. Really? Yes. I didn't know. I like babies. I love babies. Babies are great. Babies have no opinions.

You hold them. You rock them to sleep. They're happy to be there. Children are like, why? Why? Why? Yuck. I don't understand.

I hate spaghetti. It's like you ate spaghetti yesterday. You don't hate it. You don't have a real opinion. Have you ever nannied? Yeah. This is where this is coming from. It was the best birth control I could ever ask for.

I love babies. I truly love them. But kids. I just want to read this real quick. It was a DM on Instagram. Jbrams38 said, there's a 900% chance you won't answer this, but I started using your pickup lines on Tinder, and I just wanted you to see this.

So I, on an episode, read some really dumb first lines for bumble so the person said would you rather have to eat a piece of tinfoil once a day or turn into a potato every night for an hour which is a line i used on someone and like sometimes they would respond sometimes they didn't and then this person responded to my friend, Jay Abrams, 38. I would rather have you never talk to me again. So I didn't respond, Jay Abrams, 38. But I did read it on the podcast. And I do appreciate that you tried to use my pickup lines. But also, I'm single.

Don't do a single thing I'm doing. Well, I guess that's fair. I guess it's like a science, right? Well, have you had success stories with pickup lines? No. No? Okay. No. The last pickup line was about what would you do if you found a penguin in your room?

And that was a conversation we had where then he asked me to hang out. I said yes, and then he never followed up. So I was like, cool. Now I want to read this. Please do. So I posted a picture of me like in my underwear or something because I love doing that because I love my body. I love your bathing suit pictures.

Thank you. They make me scream out loud with joy. Tony, thank you. Not really. So then this person DM'd me and was like, this is why you're single. And I was like, maybe this person has something good to say. So I responded.

I won't say their name because I didn't like what they said. I already don't like it. Why am I? Why? Why? And then they said, OK, listen to your podcast. I have a lot of friends in your predicament. I've been married for six years.

P.S. People love to tell you that they found somebody when they're giving you advice. And I don't know why. I don't need to know that you were married for six years. I don't know why. I didn't need to know that you were married for six years. I don't fucking care. And I can tell you that all my husband's friends who are single, males, dismiss beautiful girls who are way too raunchy. P.S. I'm in my underwear.

I didn't say nothing raunchy. Now, I'm not trying to insult you in any way. You did. I think you're beautiful and have a great personality. But saying whatever comes to mind and being overly extravagant throws anybody off. I'm not saying change who you are. You are. But you can evolve to just as funny, charming version of yourself.

One that says, I'm ready to be your lady in the streets, but a freak in the sheets. Best wishes, girl. God's got your back. Okay. All right. So, like, it really, it, I don't know, it bothered me that this person was judging a post that I put up. Right.

Said they liked my podcast and were, like, a fan of my work and then were like, but change everything about you? Yeah. What's her phrasing of, well, put anybody off? I mean, she's full on judging. Yes. From the vantage point of everyone feels the way I feel. Saying whatever comes to mind and being overly extravagant throws anybody off. No, that's not true.

Right? It will attract who it attracts. And if that's not your thing, that's not your thing. Yes. Like, like, or don't't like and move the fuck along to your married comfortable life throwing judgment to the singles throwing judgment at me so instagram person if you know who you are no i didn't respond because you really ticked me off i was mad for a hot second then i was like let me screenshot this shit because I'm going to fucking read it.

Good. What would you say is the ratio of positive to this people? Very, very, very positive. Good. People, I guess I don't, I guess I could highlight some of the positive. Let me slide in my DMs. People are very, very sweet to me. A woman, let's see if I can find her.

I think you are aspirational, is what I think most people gravitate towards. Thank you. Hold on. This woman, oh, I posted, because my friend Ego got SNL. Yes, today, right? Yes, I posted about that. So I'm getting a lot of DMs about people being happy for her, which is very nice. So shout out to Ego.

You've tested. So, okay. Mrs. Underscore Ginger Mexican. She DMed me and said, I love your positivity that you put out. You make me try to be more comfortable in my body. So, Ms. Ginger Mexican, don't try. Just be. Your body's beautiful.

Aw. Every body's beautiful. There is no ugly body. There's bodies that maybe don't look like what you want them to look like. But like. Like Donald Trump's dick, apparently. Well, he's got an ugly body because he's not right. He's not right in the head.

And then I have another lady. I can't remember. Or his head. But neither of his heads are right. Nothing about him's right. So Amber.Lee, she said, I bought a toothpaste bathing suit today. You inspire me. Also, I love you.

You're hilarious. Amber, good. Be brave in your toothpaste. So there's what I did I read one shitty thing and two nice things see good so now I feel good thank you Tony for making me do that oh you're welcome

so are you you're not dating anyone right now have you been on dates recently yeah yeah I've been on dates um I'll say I guess I'm attracted to people who are busy, but then those busy people don't have time to date. So I'm kind of, you know, and as you know, our insane career, we're busy, then we're

not busy, then we're not. Zero predictability. You can drop everything in a moment. So no, I'm not really dating anyone, but I would. I've been on dates. What's your type? Do you have a type? I think I'm all over the place, but generally, I think guys my age or older, I like a man.

You know, like a man who knows who he is. That's not to say I wouldn't do a romp with a younger kid, you know. A romp with the younger kid is such a funny phrase. I can't believe, I feel like Betty Davis right now. I'd have a romp with a young stud. I thought I had a type. I genuinely don't have a type anymore. I very much will like see a picture and be like I

don't know if you're attractive or not and then I have learned that boys take terrible pictures so I will meet them and then I'll make a choice like I went on a date that was not great but he was cute and his picture was like fine and I was like in my brain I was like I don't know if he's that cute but like he looks fine and I met him in person I was like oh you're very attractive you just take terrible pictures and then I just went on a date uh with this dude who also he sent me a picture that I was like and then I was like oh no I find you very very cute I don't know until I meet someone right in the flesh I guess you could have 25 pictures And they all

You know you could have different Attraction levels to each one And some of the Okay here's a red flag I think If all of someone's pictures are stunningly gorgeous Ah yeah yeah yeah In LA I'm gonna say

You're probably really boring That's not to say that either of our pictures Are just stunningly gorgeous. I mean, I take a good photo, so I think I'm stunning! No, I'm kidding. I think I look like me in my pictures.

I try to present myself in a very truthful way so people aren't like, oh no, she's fat or in person, or that would be the only thing what are you you are straight strictly straight no um loosely straight loosely straight loosely exactly straight um i uh specifically like this year was like i I think I'm gonna start dating women because men's, I'm not having great luck with them.

I do love a dick and we can go buy a dick. I would also date someone who's non-binary. I truly am very pretty fluid about sexuality because anybody can make you cum except for a child because they're stupid. Right. Children are stupid,

and I'd say animals are too. In the bedroom. We're talking about just in the bedroom. A dog can't make you cum? Ew, imagine a dog eating you out. You would have to really soap up your puss because dogs eat their own shit. Ugh. I've been

in a bed with a pig, though. What? I mean, a human pig. Oh. I thought you meant like a little piglet, and I got so excited. No, that's disgusting. Because I want a toy pig, but they don't make them. They don't? No, they make mini pigs, and they grow up to like 60 pounds.

I want a pig that's going to stay like 10 pounds forever. Like a lap pig. Yes, I want a lap pig. Oh, my God, that would be so fucking cute. That'd be adorable. They're so cute. Like a lap pig. Yes, I want a lap pig. Oh my God, that would be so fucking cute. That'd be adorable. They're so cute. They're little tails.

Yes, they're cute little tails and cute little buddies. I love a pig. I love a pig. I'm trying to, yeah, I've been dating this person. I guess I shouldn't talk about it because it's currently happening.

But I'm still single. I'm like not in a relationship with this person. And it's been going like okay. It's been going good. I think they listened to this. It's going great. So I was thinking about your situation hosting a podcast about relationships. Yes.

If and when you are in one, which you know who knows who knows uh you know dan savage of course the love the love advice columnist i guess when he started dating his who would become his husband i guess they had a rule where he wouldn't talk about their relationship that has changed since then but in the beginning uh-huh um he the person he married was worried that he would become the story oh interesting in the column but obviously that was between them well when i pitched this they're like what if you get in a relationship and i was like you got you got more hope in me than i do because i don't think it's going to happen. I think it could happen. I mean, maybe it will happen. And I think my rule would be. My rule would be.

I think I would. Well, me personally, I don't think I would like post about this person until we were like committed for a while. Like post them on like Instagram or like whatever. Cause I think there's just like, I do talk about a lot of my life, but like that, if it was actually special to me, I would want to keep private.

Um, and then like when I'm dating people, I don't like take pictures with them or anything. Like that's weird. Let's not do that. No, only I feel like special occasions, right?

Yeah. Like if we make it to a year anniversary i'll post a picture of you there we go and then if it's like a year anniversary and we say i love you or whatever i think i'd be like well can i talk about this on the podcast do you mind i won't say your name maybe it would be like if you don't mind because it would be me dragging the person into the spotlight. Yeah. Like if I was posting pictures of them and then talking about them in a way where like they don't have a say in what I'm saying.

I'm just putting information out there to have people feel some type of way about them. So I think it would have to be like a full conversation with that person. Do you are not sure that they listen? They might. They may not sure that they listen? They might, they may not. Okay. Well, one person I know for sure does. Okay.

And then the other person listens to other podcasts and has heard me on other podcasts, but I don't think they listen to this one. And then the other person has not mentioned any podcasts. So I'm really, I am trying my hardest to date as much as possible right now because hopefully, fingies crossed, I'll be busy soon.

So I'm just trying to set something up for the long term. Yes, get those seeds in now. Yes, plant the seeds so a tree of fucking can happen. Have you ever... Yeah, a tree of fucking. You know that old saying. Brad Pitt's in that movie, right? That's what the giving tree's about, right?

A tree that fucks you. It's good and giving when it fucks, yeah. It fucks you good. Have you ever been on a date with someone who is famous in some way? Nope. Okay. Do these people that you mentioned, are they at all in your entertainment field?

Nope. Okay. Okay. Do you have any awareness? Well, hmm. Say it. Just say it. It's fine.

Do you think that they knew who you were all of them knew who you were and how do you feel about that it is a little weird because I get a little in my head as to like oh did you say yes to meeting me because you knew

who I was or because you were attracted to me? And then it's like they may be one in the same. So I don't know. I get a little weary of what are people's intentions? Do they like me? It's a weird thing. I like when people mention it but then can move on very quickly

and don't bring it up repeatedly like the stuff I've worked on or whatever and it's like sure we can talk about something I've done for a couple minutes but like you can't just like dig and ask and ask that gets to be a little like

oh I see what's happening and I understand why we're out. Right. You can like navigate between this person's a fan and this person likes me. Yes. And they may, as you said, they could be one and the same. They may not even have known who I am were it not for this thing in the public eye. But I will say in the last three years, every date I've been on, they've known who I am. Oh, except for one where he.

And you said, marry me. I said, please, dig in my pussy and marry me. Just kidding. His fingernails were too long. Oh. This man, I've talked about him a bunch. His fingernails were too long and they were oval shaped like interview with the vampire. No. They were so so they weren't dirty.

They were just so long. And I was like, are they acrylics? What is happening? I hate these. And he was also like scruffy, whatever. He I I knew almost immediately that like I didn't feel anything towards him. And what do you mean by scruffy? I'm a scratch. My my scruff on that.

Well, not scruffy like you. You look put together. He was like scruffy and his shirt was wrinkled. Okay. He was not doing it for me. Like, this interview's over. This interview's over. You don't like my scruff.

But he asked me where I was coming from. Usually I don't really talk about comedy or anything on first dates. I wait until like the second or third if I can. But usually I can't. He was like, where are you coming from? I was like, I have a stand-up show. And he was like, oh, cool. You like do stand-up.

And I was like, yeah. And he was like, oh, so what's your day job? And I was like, I don't have one. And he was like, what? And I was like, I don't have one. He's like, yeah, but what do you do for money i was like oh stand up and like comedy and acting and stuff and he's like yeah but like what have you like been in i was like oh a couple of things here and there he's like oh but like why don't you like couldn't get past the fact that i didn't

have a day job and i was like i'm doing you don't have to know who i am but like if i tell you something why would you argue with me? Right. That can be exhausting. Obviously, it was exhausting. When someone is in the entertainment field trying to date people that are not. I mean, this business is incomprehensible to the people in it. How do you explain it to people who aren't?

Yeah. Why would anyone do this? Because it's like, oh, why aren't you busy right now? And it's like, oh, because I don't have a job right now. Well, how are you making money? The checks that I... residuals. What do you mean residuals? Wait, you did that job

two years ago and you have to pay for it now? Yes, that's why you want to get a little guest star on something that's going to air for a while. Yeah, it is very, you're right, it's exhausting trying to explain my job to people. Also, I don't want to date anybody with dreams. I want you to be living your dream. Wait, you don't want to be dating anyone with dreams. Oh, but you want someone to be living their dream. Wait. You don't want to be dating anyone with dreams.

Oh, but you want someone to be living their dream. Got it, got it, got it. I don't want to date anybody who's, like, aspiring. I want to date someone who's, like, you don't have to, like, have reached your goal, but I need you to be working on it, not, like, sitting at home being like, I wish. Like, I want to date with someone who said that they tried stand-up once and they were like, and that was it. And I said, oh, so do you want to do comedy? He's like, yeah, but it's hard. And I said,

yeah, it's very hard. It's one of those horses that you get knocked down and you just have to get on again. And I was like, you get, you have to. And he was like, ah, you know. And I was floored. No.

Unless this person had some other dream that they were taking steps for. No. No. No. Then no. Then no. You've got to. I agree with you.

Instant turn off. I was like, I can't fuck somebody with no aspirations. No, I agree with this. What if your non-aspirational dick fucking drips some jizz on me and then it soaks into my skin and then I have no aspirations. No, I'm kidding. Right, because that stuff's contagious. So

definitely close your eyes when they're coming. Yes, don't let them come in my eye because then my eyes will be blind and I won't be able to see my goals. Oh, I like that. You won't be able to see your goals. So don't come in this face. If you're just

joining us, as Nicole started this show is now retracted. Do not come in her eyes. I will not let you come in my eyes. Or she will come for you. I'll come for you because you're going to blind my goals. We got to take a break. And we're back.

What's the worst date you've ever been on? Oh, my God. I feel like I was just describing this recently. Oh, okay.. I feel like I was just describing this recently. Oh, okay. Mm-hmm. It was the kind of date where, as I said earlier, I kind of gravitate toward guys my age or older, who are somewhat established in their career.

But along with that can come some sort of blindness to, I want to say you and I are sort of in the comedy, no, we are in the comedy world, and that also comes with some politics. Like we have to be aware of things in the world and how people speak to each other. And this person was so clueless about, this person was white and older than me.

And we went to a restaurant and I knew someone, I didn't know they were working there. And they were so rude to him. Even after I said, this is my friend. And the friend was not mad at me at all. I was sort of like giving him looks like, Oh my God.

Oh my God. I'm so sorry. Um, I wish I could remember a very specific thing that he told me i maybe have wiped it out of my memory um i guess people just oblivious to how they are coming off yeah no self-awareness and also earlier when we had fooled around he said i have a hairy belly that you have a hairy belly i have a hairy belly wait he said he had a hair i have a he said oh i love your hairy belly and if he listens to this then i'll know who this is i mean i guess there's a cute way to say i guess he's trying to be cute

i had never heard that in my life like oh i guess i do have a belly and there's hair on it. I've had worse dates that ended in dark stuff. Oh, no. Then let's not get into it. I mean... Y'all! I recently slept with somebody and

he pulled off my leggings before I had taken off my shoes because I just I guess I got overwhelmed. I didn't take off my leggings and before I had taken off my shoes, because I just like, I guess I got overwhelmed. I'm like, didn't take off my shoes. And I like sat there and I was like, you gotta take off my shoes. And I said it like that. And he was like, whoa. He like took off my shoes and then I was gonna be like, yeah, my shucks.

But then I was like, don't. You've already made this a little weird. Oh, how did they respond? He was fine. He very much, he just kind of clocked that I was being weird and kept going. I was like, okay. I get very weird sometimes. But as I was doing it, I was like, Nicole, Nicole this is so weird take off your own fucking shoes

I want to ask you what is going through your mind when you do that is it because you really into them or is it another thing um I think it's like I'm a silly person so if I wasn't having sex with somebody and I wanted them to take off my shoes, I'd probably say it in that voice. And I think maybe I felt so comfortable with him that I was like, I can be silly. But then it's like, this is the first time you're sleeping with someone, so maybe you don't be silly.

Maybe that's like a third date. Yeah, like third, fourth time that you're like, here's my quirky side. So down on the trees. Excuse me. I'm thirsty down there. I need you downtown. I might try that.

If you have a follow up. Maybe I will. Next time. I don't know if there's going to be a next time. Hey. I pet peeve with sexual encounters ooh what is it

and I've suddenly put a name to it it's called lizard tongue what's lizard tongue when someone is going to

kiss you and their tongue gets to your mouth before their fucking lips and I hate it and like this

like aggressive tongue there's just which I think I love kissing. Kissing is the greatest thing in the world. Tongues are great.

But there's, you got to like take the other person in. I just thought of something else. What? When a man is maybe aggressive in a way that they think is playful, but that hasn't been agreed on. Like it will grab a wrist and sort of pin you down playfully or rough house that's something that you got to talk about beforehand i agree and i think i think people like you see sex on tv and in movies and there's very little talking and i feel like that's fucked with people a little bit because i think you need to talk throughout the whole thing. Is this okay?

Can I do this? Does this feel good? Does this hurt? Like just like if you're going to grab my wrist and not ask me first, that might make me feel some type of way. Yeah. You can I grab your wrist? Yes.

Right. Like most of the time it's going to be a yes. Yeah. You know, because like let's have some fun. Yeah. But then sometimes it's like, no, it's a little too much for me. And then you have to, you know, back off a little bit. I can't do lizard tongue because my tongue's not long enough.

Oh, it's like a baby lizard. I have a very tiny tongue. No, but you, I don't think you're capable of it. We've never made out, but I'm sure you wouldn't do it. No, because I like for lips to meet first. That's like, right. Right. And then you're like, okay, I like the way these lips kiss.

Let me see if my tongue feels good with that tongue. Yeah. Yeah. How is not everyone like that? I don't know. I made out with someone in New York years and years ago whose mouth was cold. And I was like, are you dead? It was the weirdest sensation. It freaked me the fuck out.

But I like kept making out. It was like cold, like cold meat? Cold, yes. It was like a chicken cutlet that's been cooked and put in the refrigerator, flopped in my mouth. It was the craziest sensation of my life. That doesn't sound pleasant. No. And he's still alive, but like, I feel like he's dead.

Wow. Like, it was crazy. And it was in New York. And it was like February. And you know the person. Oh my God. I won't tell you who it is. Okay.

You're never gonna know. I'll tell you when we finish recording. Are we done yet? I want to know. We still have time to go. Okay. I have been kissed badly by guys who seem to, who kiss so badly that I'm like, oh, are they just not into me? But want to keep kissing me.

And I realize, oh, this is how they do it. You're just bad at kissing. Yeah, which deal break. I mean, that is, I can't. I can't. I can't do it. Yeah, if you, I have tried to overcome bad kissing. I went on several dates with this person who, for me, the kissing wasn't great.

But, like, he kept kissing me. Right. And I was like, oh, I guess he thinks this is going well. Yeah. But I didn't know how to be like, I need you to just relax your lips. Relax. Just like he, his lips were not pursed, but they just seemed like they held a lot of tension. But I also think I made him nervous.

Okay. So I just, it was, it was very weird. I, yeah. Well, it's kind of a dance. It's an intimate dance. I'm going to, kissing, if it, it works, is to me hotter than anything else. It's the hottest thing to me. I also agree.

Kissing can be very, very sensual. And I didn't think that until maybe like last year where I had a makeout session with this dude. And I was like, oh, that was like, that was it. Do I know that person? No. But I truly was like, oh, that was like, that was it. Do I know that person? No. Okay. But I truly was like, I could go home. That was fine.

That was nice. That did it for me. My favorite is when you fuck someone and then you have a smile on your face for like the next two days. Yes. Where you're like, you made me come and I'm here for it.

Yeah, those are the best. Those are the best. And then I like it when you give someone direction and they're okay with it. I've slept with people who I'm like, can you do this? And then they won't do what I'm asking them to do. And I'm like, I'm so sorry.

I need you to do that. Can you? No. Okay. Can you? Oh, okay. Is that the voice you use? No.

Honestly, Reese, this last person was like the only person I've ever done that voice with. And I don't know why I did it. Well, it's funny. Also, it's funny. I can't stop thinking about it. I think it's funny. Thank you. He, I think, laughed.

I don't know. Also, I love a big dick. I am a size queen and I'm not ashamed of it and when I pull down your pants and you got a badonkadonk in the front I'm so excited so

you like people of color I like people of color like white dudes I like anybody I'm not a size queen but I do like anybody. I'm not a size queen. No. But I do like, yeah, I'm not. I'm just. I love a dick. I mean, there can't be too small.

Okay, here's the thing. I like dicks. I love dicks. But there are big dicks that are just so big that I, they're too big. I've never encountered a dick that was too big. Like, I've had very big dicks where I'm like, yes. I've never had one where I was like, I don't know where that's going. I've never had a challenge.

So if you would like to challenge me with your dick, email me at baconcansave at gmail.com. Send a picture of that dick, and we'll see what we can do. Bacon can save? Is that the name of the email? That's my email address that I give out on podcasts when I sign up for things. And we'll see what we can do. Bacon can save? Is that the name of the email? That's my email address that I give out on podcasts when I sign up for things. So my real email doesn't get all spammy. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.

Yeah, and people email me such nice things sometimes. Aw. Yeah, a lot of people have been asking me to do videos for their children. And I haven't figured out a nice way to say no. Just send them a dick pic. Imagine I was like send this to your fucking kid. But people have asked me to host nail day parties for their children and I like tweeted a response because I was like would you

ever do it? And I would for a million dollars. And then that's for me to just show the fuck up. And then I have little tears of what I would do once I was there. Like what? I'll wave at your kid for like $7,000. I'll look and wave for like $8,000.

These are add-ons. Yeah. Wow. Wave at my child. Uh-huh. $1 million to show up at the address. Uh-huh. But you would like, you would leave in a few.

No, no, no. Sorry. I described that wrong. So like for me to host the party, for me to like top to bottom, a half hour hosting $1 million, for me to just show up, look at your kid that's like 5,000 and then to like wave at your kid that's like 7,000. There's lots of tears. My point is.

Can you have a drag impersonator do it for you if you're busy? Oh my God, imagine. Has anyone, has a drag queen ever, has there ever been a drag you? No. There's never been a drag queen that's impersonated me. I would love it, though. I would, it would be such a treat and such a dream to have someone just plop on a big old curly wig and be like...

That was a bad impression of myself. In the meantime, Barba Fella can be your drag spirit animal. Fuck, Barba Fella is so fucking funny. But Barba Fella can never do you. No, I don't think Barba Fella... Well, she can. I'm her manager. That's true. It would be in bad taste.

Oh, have these people offered you a price? Have they offered you anything? No, nobody's ever offered me a price. They just ask me to do it as if I don't get paid to host the show and as if that's something I'd want to do. I'm on television, people. Well, also, it's my job. You would never ask someone to bag groceries at your child's grocery-themed birthday party

for free. No. Like, if you're a clown, you get paid to clown at a party. Yeah, exactly. You want me to come to a party, you gotta fucking pay me. Also, that sounds like a sad party. I'm sure there's some little kid out there who's like, I just love Whole Foods. Can I have a

Whole Foods-themed birthday party? Kids are dumb. Kids are dumb. Kids and animals are dumb, dumb, dumb. I have Whole Foods. Can I have a Whole Foods themed birthday party? Now that sounds adorable. Yeah. Kids are dumb. Kids and animals are dumb, dumb, dumb. Kids and animals are dumb. Don't let them eat you out. Yeah. You're a kid.

You don't deserve this podcast. No. It's very funny. People also tweet at me. They're like, my kid loves you and nailed it. And I love your podcast. The two shall never mix. Oh, God, no. There's no overlap.

No. The closest I just watched when the queer eyes came does your bonus episode of your show yes there's a tiny sliver of overlap right there really right i guess that's still that's still friendly you know what it's still pretty like child friendly yeah yeah i know you're right mean, if you're like a hardcore Christian who hates gay people, the whole episode's gonna be a problem for you. Because it's literally called Nailed It Meets Queer Eye or Nailed It and Queer Eye or whatever. I'll

never understand people who hate gay people just for being gay. It's the wildest thing I ever heard in my damn life. Yeah, I agree with that. Also, racism seems to be exhausting, right? Wouldn't that take a lot of energy? Right? So much energy.

Like, gerrymandering to me is the craziest thing specifically because someone had to look at a map and then redraw district lines. That is like you're taking time out of your life to be evil. Yeah. That's crazy. Yeah. Yeah. That's crazy. Yeah.

I think Samantha Bee did a piece last week about gerrymandering, and the maps look insane. Insane. Which someone put effort, exactly what you just said. Mitch McConnell's behind it all. I hate him. He's evil. Everyone's kind of fucking evil right now, and I'm not here for it.

No, I'm not here. I'm like, guys, can't we just all get along, all be happy, just like let people do whatever they fucking want. Yeah. Like being like, I don't want gay people to get married is the craziest thing I've ever heard. Specifically because I'm like, how does it affect your life? Exactly. You know? Exactly. Exactly.

Exactly. You know? Exactly. I'm going to say when, of course, I've always been gay, but I always had sort of a mental gap with why would, like, of course, straight people that were supportive of gay people. I always thought that's really nice, but what's in it for them? Until I became more, learned more about trans people. And there's no part of me that wants to, like to keep anyone from having their full human rights and full human dignity and that

the trans community helped me empathize with straight people who are supportive of queers in general. Interesting. Does that make sense? I think it does make sense and I think it's kind of beautiful. It's just like is it so hard to be a fucking human being with empathy

yeah it is very all of it's just wild like bathroom laws i'm like you read a book i don't know anything else but like why are you trying to disenfranchise a group of people that's so crazy to me my mother used she was a christian She went to church. But she also loved everybody and was like, people make choices. And if that's how you want to live your life, then, like, I still love you. And that has been, like, very much ingrained with me. Like, my sister and I are very much like, live your life. Do whatever you want. I'm whose judge?

I'm not judging. Who am I to fucking judge you? That sounds like the best kind of Christian one could be well I feel like that's the Christian you're supposed to be like and I understand that like especially like in Baptist churches they say God is a vengeful

God and you and me personally I'm like okay but like if you read the Bible they're all parables they're not or at you read the Bible, they're all parables. They're not, or at least I don't think they're supposed to be taken literally. But it's like we take some of it literally. Not we.

I don't really go to church anymore. But like they'll take some of it literally and then not other things. I'm like, but wait a minute. Y'all love shellfish. And the Bible says shellfish ain't to be eaten. Yeah. It also says y'all should not have mixed fabrics. And I know that's Old Navy.

That's all of Old Navy. That's all Old Navy, baby. Yes. Some poly blends. Some rayon. Yeah. Yeah. It's just like it's a lot of things in there that I'm like, well, why do we hold up some of it and not all of it?

Yeah. Oh, because you want it to work for you and you want to, like, talk down on people. We're getting real deep. I need you to go through my Tinder profile. Oh, thank you. The fuck up! What? If you would like to follow along, you can go to Facebook.com and

go to my page, Nicole Byer Comedy, and you can follow along with Tony Rodriguez. Oh, also, while you're there, Barbafella. Yeah, look up some Barbornado Rodriguez. Oh, also while you're there, Barbafella. Yeah, look up some Barbafella videos. Yeah, yeah. Tell us what you're seeing. Okay, you are crouching next to,

it looks like a Barbie Jeep. And you're wearing a black and white striped top. Is it overalls? Yeah. Are they overalls? Serving you full child fantasy. Your wig is Beyonce gorgeous. Thank you. I worded Wendy Williams and people were like, we hate this hair helmet.

And I was like, thank you. No. This is Wendy Williams. They were very mean to me. Did you ever see, I don't remember, there's a show on Nickelodeon. I've seen it like twice. Like there was a guy, a mannequin in a window that would come to life. No.

I was like about a department store and the show would take place at night when like the mannequins would come to life. Wait, this is a Disney show? A Nickelodeon show? A Nickelodeon show? Yeah. No. I don't know.

But I have seen Life Size where Lindsay Lohan gets a Barbie and it turns into Tyra Banks. Really? That would freak me the fuck out. That's terrifying. Right? That sort of describes this, but this is delightful. Thank you. I would swipe right on this.

Thank you. Am I still looking at more pictures? Yes, look at all of them. Oh. Okay, you're drinking. You have a tiny hat. Mm-hmm. It looks like you're having the time of your life.

Mm-hmm. Drinking a very colorful drink with a fruit salad in it. There's at least three different colors of things floating in the drink yeah uh it looks like you've been oh it's a pineapple hat yes it's the top for the drink i put it on my head to be like i'm where is this this awful restaurant called uh tom george's la it's downtown i do not recommend it to anyone i had the worst time there. It was very bad. I waited for like two hours for

my table, even though there was multiple tables open, and then our food took so long. Half of it was cold. I do not... Bad. Don't go. Tom Georges? I think it's Tom Georges or John Georges. I think it's Tom Georges. Downtown LA. Tom

Georges. Alright, I'm never going. Don't go. Did you get to keep the pineapple hat? No. All right. Swipe. Oh, wait a minute. Okay.

You are wearing a t-shirt that to me looks like the old school Muppets. Okay. And I want it. Oh, and the teeth are, what's it called? They're dangling off. They're pronounced. They're three-dimensional. It's a monster shirt.

And the second thing I noticed here is you are holding a horse dick-sized blue dildo. I love that that's the second thing you noticed. The first thing I noticed was the colorful Muppet shirt. No, it's not colorful. It's black and white. But my little children's eye gravitated towards that.

Where is this? That was at the Pleasure Chest, which is in West Hollywood. At a lovely show on Monday nights. Okay. At the Pleasure Chest. You could also use that as a mic. A mic prop.

Imagine I just drilled a hole through it, and then I just routed the mic through it, and I was like, that's the only way I'll perform, by holding a giant cock. What reactions did you get from these pictures? I want to keep looking, cock. What reactions do you get from these pictures? I want to keep looking too. The next picture is exactly what we just described except you're holding a giant horse-sized dick sized Oscar.

Horse dick sized Oscar. Horse dick sized Oscar. Yes, my friend Ben Green photoshopped that for me and I think it's funny. But nobody has commented that it's the same picture twice. People, I don't know. Nobody? Maybe I'm just too clever.

For LA, you might be. Fucking Tinder. For the LA Tinder watching community. Oh, no. How often do you refresh your images? I don't. Mine were easily like two years ago. I change them for the podcast every now and again

because people have been like, everyone's just hearing the same thing. So I'll probably change it again after this. Okay. I'm the last. You're the last. Oh, you're wearing a one piece, would you say a bodysuit?

Yeah, that's so you can see all the body. Yeah. I mean, it's fabulous. It's truly fabulous. And it looks like you're about to climb an empty bookcase, but you just got caught. Yes. Trying to climb.

And then the world says, no! That was some dressing room that John, my roommate, and I had to share for something. Mo Milhiser? Yeah, we were hosting something. You give him a hug for me. I will. He doesn't like hugs, but I'll force it on him. Really?

He doesn't like hugs? He doesn't hug me very often. Really? And today I said, I love you to silence. Oh. Oh. Was he visible in the room? no but I'm sure he heard me

I'm always trying to touch him this sounds awful I'm always trying to give him hugs and he doesn't like hugs and I think I like to give him hugs because he doesn't like it once I showed him my pussy because

we used to like play this game where i would get out of the shower and my bathroom was across from my bedroom so i'd be in a town i'd run to my room and if he was like coming out of his room at the same time he'd be like i'm gonna get you i'm gonna get you and then one day i was like i'm gonna get you i'm gonna show you my pussy he was like no and then one day he's like i'll see your pussy and i said no i can't show it to you and then he went I knew it so then I lifted up my towel and I was like there's my pussy and he was like upset

what kind of upset he was just like why did you do that well you called my bluff and I like I had to do it I mean you have to and then it was very funny to listen to him try to describe it to other people. He was like, it was just, he would draw it with his finger.

He would be like, it was like this, like doing loop-de-loops with his finger. And he was like, and there was nothing there, but just, it was like a thing. Had he ever seen a vagina before? I don't know. I think he has. I'm a gold star gay. Are you? Is he a gold star gay?

I mean. I don't think so. Is that too personal? Oh, but yeah. Maybe it's personal. Let's not answer that. I don't know. Who knows?

Let's keep it at, who knows? Who knows? But I will go on the record as saying I'm a gold star gay. I love it. You've never dipped in a puss? I've never done that. And then I learned what a platinum is. That's a C-section.

Yes. Which is very funny to me. That's very funny. Yeah, that's funny. I mean, we all want to... We all have to... Why do we need boxes? I don't know.

Why just put myself in a box? I don't know. But I think gold star is very... It's a cute little way of just being like, I've never been interested in women and I've never touched one. Yeah. I mean, I'll hug. interested in women and I've never touched one. Yeah. I mean, I'll hug.

I'll hug a woman. I love women. I guess I'll hug one as long as all her fucking clubs are on. I mean. I don't need any nasty titties touching me. No, I'll touch titties. Will you? I love titties.

Yeah. Titties. I love titties. I'm still like a dusty gold star gay. I love it. A dusty gold star. A dusty gold star gay. I'm just like a dusty gold star gay I love it A dusty gold star Just a little dusty Here finish my prayer

Oh my god The aforementioned picture That to me looks like you're wearing a Muppet t-shirt With a DVD copy of Ghost Yes Ben also Photoshopped that in Oh who's this puppy You're holding a puppy.

That's Clyde. That's my little dog. He'll bite you, but then be your friend. He's so cute. Well, he bites. He bites. He's not hard. Is he a rescue?

Yes, and he's nine pounds, so when people reach down to get to him, I think he feels a little threatened. I would be. Right? If I were tiny. If someone's big ass hand was coming at you, you'd be like,

no! Yeah. What was the rescue? Can you say? It was a place called Dogs Without Borders, which makes it sound like they're rescuing dogs

from like Mexico, but I don't think they are. They're just saving them from like Glendale. Yes, I picked him up in North Hollywood. Okay. From an actor.

I didn't even realize he was like an actor until I saw him on TV and I was like, that's the man who had Clyde. Hey, your outfit in this is radiant. Literally, it looks like you're wearing the sun.

And your sunglasses are great. You have great wardrobe. Thank you. On your social needs. Today, not so much because I plan on going to the gym, skis. Still, like, cute. Thank you. I fucking hate the gym. It sucks. I go to, cute. Thank you. I fucking hate the gym. It sucks.

I go to Griffith Park. It's my... Oh, that's the end? Oh, that's the last picture. Yeah, then read my profile. I spent a long time on it. Things to know about me. I'm that bae.

Bae, they always eating. I'm always SMH. Shouting my hypotheses. You better believe I'm NSFW. Never sorry for walking. I'll never be your WCW, working

cash woman. Okay. Always DTF and the DIY. Down to fly and the destination is yours. Yes. Okay. What's the... They're just telling you what they do we compare your Facebook friends yeah that is on the

tinder I love that what responses you get what kind of guys you attract from let's see truly this guy texted he was like we were messaging and we had a cute little conversation for the night,

and then he never messaged me again. This man, he said, we should cuddle. It would be a beautiful thing. I said, okay. He said, let's make it happy. I said, okay, I'm free next week. Nothing. And he was hot.

Guys just disappear. Yeah, it doesn't make any sense. Everything's so delicate with online dating yeah sometimes i'll check in on an app and someone that i have talked to before suddenly they're they're like all in they're like oh hey how are you going how's your week i'm free this that and the other and i happen to be looking at it like i'm checking my email and i don't have time to respond so nothing happens and it like we've i feel like I've been on both sides of that everything's timing everything's so delicate it is and I've learned that like I shouldn't message anybody unless I want to meet them that week or the next like within like four days because then you're just gonna go back and

forth fucking forever and then it's just gonna be very very annoying oh here's a person who was on hinge i took a screenshot of his profile because it blew my mind it was a white guy at like a ku klux klan museum or exhibit and he took a picture with it and put it on his fucking profile and i was like okay and he's making a face but i'm like what is that face and i was gonna message him but i was like no let's not even invite that into uh my world no but i was like what was your thought process whoa this is crazy then why did you put on a dating profile or like this is where I align my thoughts why would you put that on a date that's third date you know conversation like I'm a Klansman like tell me on the third date you know god no I think that's a gift right there you can see right through it

I all right well whatever he was thinking is wrong yeah and any like whatever yeah it I was like is it a joke? it's awful? I guess it is good to know up front so I didn't like say yes to him or something and then later he's like oh P.S. I said yes to kill you Jesus Christ

this other man on OkCupid that sounds like the title of a Lifetime movie I said yes to kill you P.S. I said yes to kill you. This man at OkCupid messaged me and he said, Imagine living your life as a goddess with a man-slave who lives to serve you and literally does anything you say. You would be spoiled rotten and never have to work again. Interested?

And you said... I didn't say one word back. You said, I'm a goddess to Netflix. I like working. I do. Oh, this is an insane thing. Okay, this person, this man, I won't tell you his name

because this fucking is an insane profile. Looking for a woman that wants to slop, no, looking for a woman who wants to sob on my lap about fake rape stories, date other men while we're engaged, and not tell me until after we're married. Oh, and be on Facebook every day as a good stay-at-home mother, sexting other men while

I'm at work every day like my ex-wife did. Okay, okay. Not really wanting to go through that nightmare again. Isn't that nuts? Fake rape stories? Yes, that's on his fucking profile. And I read that and was like, what is wrong with everybody? Everyone's fucked.

You know what? You just illuminated something for me in reading that. I have thought for a long time that the garbage men I've met on the gay dating apps are the fucking worst troll people I could possibly encounter. But I kind of have, I have to give it up to straight women. It has to be so much worse. I mean. And you just proved it. They're fucking nuts.

Insane. It's. Like, it's already difficult between straight women and straight men. All the navigating, right? Mm-hmm. Of everything. And then add fucking social media or you add social media and then you add like men

hate women not all men but some men hate women this man hates women and he's just putting it out there I hate my fucking ex wife and I assume a lot of other women are like that out there so I'm gonna put this fucking thing on my pro like it's just nuts everyone

is out of their minds. Would you date me, Tony? Well, yeah. Let's do it. Thank you. I love the titties. I mean, the titties in general. I wasn't speaking to yours,

but yours are lovely, too. Thank you. I wasn't trying to be gross about it. I don't love my titties. They're the only thing I really don't love about them, about my body. I wish they were,

I used to wish they were bigger. I'm thankful that they're not bigger. But I wish my nipples pointed a little bit more north. Where do they point? They point about, I would say, east-south. Sure. Or west-south. They're not completely south, but they're at an angle.

And I wish they were at an upward angle. But I don't even know how you fix that. I don't know. Some things don't need to be fixed. I mean, most things, right? I guess. I feel like I don't have nipples. You don't have nipples?

They're just dead. Let me see your nips. You have nipples. It's my hairy belly. Oh, you're my hairy belly. Oh, you're getting hairy belly. You're getting hairy belly. You're getting hairy belly. You're getting hairy belly.

Yeah. Oh, my. Tony, do you have anything you want to promote? I do. Can I promote two things? Yes. I just started a podcast with my ex-boyfriend. Crazy.

Who is now my podcast co-host. Okay. Called You Have to Watch This Movie. Okay. Each week we have a special guest who comes on to talk about a movie they love. Okay. We've had Lennon Parham,

Beth Dover, Tess Baraz, hopefully you, if our calendars can line up. And I have a monthly show at UCB, Spanish IQ Presents. It's a Latinx variety show. First Fridays of the month.

With Carlos Santos, Riza Licea, and Oscar Montoya. Yes, yes, yes. Through March. The funniest people. Okay, well that's it for this episode of Why Won't You Date Me? Why Won't You Date Me? Very nice. And if you like this episode, please subscribe and rate it on iTunes.

And if you leave something dirty on the comment section or DM me, I'll screenshot it and read it. And I'll say your name. Daniel Burson said, Nicole, I would suck your butthole until I turned you inside out. Then I'd pound that pussy till you were inside out. I want to eat a taco from your taco. Splash my hot alpaster all over them titties, girl. Then I'm going to lift that ass up and let it drop. Lift that shit and let it drop.

Slow-mo Instagram story of that shit. And watch them chunks dance, girl. Wow. Five stars? Yep. I fucking, well, that was just a DM on Instagram. Oh, and I wanted to read this lady. Oh, on Instagram.

Sorry. I thought for a second I was thinking of Tinder. No, no. This is on Instagram. I love it. This person said, I wanted to share an online dating story that was a bit funny. Before I met my husband, I went out with a few guys from OkCupid and ended up meeting a guy named Berta. Could have been red flag number one, but I ignored it. But I like that she didn't accept that name as like something weird and off. Then he took me to

dinner at a Southern restaurant. Yes, please. He was actually okay at first, somewhat funny and kind. So I had high hopes until the actual dinner was put down on the table. That's when he pulled out his teeth and put them on the table. I wasn't really sure what to do, but as a chef, I was both grossed out and turned off. Anyways, best of luck. Wow.

If someone took out their teeth and proceeded to mush their food, I think I would be in love because that means you could take your teeth out and munch my pussy. That's it for this episode. And that's how I'm going to end it. Whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop your teeth out and munch my pussy. That's it for this episode! And that's how I'm gonna end it!

Munch on pussy! This has been a Team Coco production.