Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Instagram DM Sex (w/ Ira Madison III)

Episode Date: April 24, 2020

Ira Madison III (TV writer, host of Keep It) chats about how he's staying sane while quarantine alone, his guest appearance on You, and how he's having sex over Instagram.For more Nicole Byer, check out her new podcast - Newcomers! Her and Lauren Lapkus are watching and reviewing Star Wars films for the very first time. Subscribe today so you don't miss an episode.Rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts and leave a dirty comment for a chance to have it read on-air.Follow Nicole Byer:Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdatesTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerFacebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedyBuy Merch: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/nicole-byer?ref_id=964Pre-order Nicole's new book: www.indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Wow, wow, wow! Welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single even though you could not talk to me through this whole quarantine.

Text me the day we're set free and I will come running. Okay, my guest today wrote for Nikki Fresh and was in an episode of You, which to me is honestly the most exciting credit to have. Also, you host a very popular podcast. It's Iron Metathon, the third. Yes. Thank you so much for being here. How are you today? I'm great.

You know, it was, I was glad to leave my home and come all the way to the studio to record. Yes, we're in the middle of quarantine and I said, fuck it. Ira, leave your home. Also, I didn't say the name of your podcast. It's called Keep It. I don't know why I didn, fuck it. Ira, leave your home. Also, I didn't say the name of your podcast. It's called Keep It. I don't know why I didn't say it. I was just like, a popular podcast. And they didn't fucking say it.

They can find it. They can find it. They can just Google popular podcast. Yes, make the children do the work. So, Ira, are you, let's just like get into this. Are you single? Tell me about it. I am.

I am very single, very quarantined, alone. Wait, you're quarantining alone? I am. I don't have roommates. So, I am just like wandering my apartment in Larchmont. Sometimes I go to my balcony and look outside like I'm a Vita and then I just go back in. I fucking love it. So did you like living alone before quarantine started? I did. I did because I, um, the last time I had lived alone before I started living alone again was sophomore year of college. Like in Chicago, I had a studio

apartment in like the North side of Chicago and it was small. And I had, I think I had a mouse at one point. And then the radiators burst. So it was really a journey. And then I had roommates ever since. And when I moved to LA like nine years ago at this point, I had so many different random roommate situations. And I was eventually to the point where I was like, I got to live by myself by the time my last roommate was like a actor slash director who

never left the apartment and so I wasn't sure what he was doing for work that's the worst. Somebody who's just like always there and you're like, so I'll never have alone time? Yeah. So you live alone during the quarantine. Has it been going okay? Do you feel crazy?

You know, I at first was feeling a little crazy, but now I think I've settled into it you know fair how are you settling into it well i i zoom with friends and um do the facetime and do the house partying and that that little app uh the reason why i was sort of going crazy in the beginning of it was, so I have two neighbors. And one of them is single and one of them has a boyfriend who, like, stays with them all the time, too. Now, they are very close friends with another friend of mine. And the four of them just formed, like, a quarantine cell. formed like a quarantine cell.

So it was driving me crazy just knowing that they were just all kiki-ing next door. Having dinners, watching movies, and I'm just wandering around my home by myself. Literally next door. I don't mean like close by myself. Literally next door. I don't mean like close by neighbors. I mean, I'm apartment one, they're apartment two. And they're just having the time of their lives

and you're just alone. Yeah. I mean, I feel for you. I'm quarantined with my roommate, John Milhiser. John Milhined with my roommate, John Milhiser. John Milhiser, my roommate, and his boyfriend. So that has been very nice. Although we did get into one fight.

It was an explosive fight where I was accused of yelling at someone. So then I screamed at him to show him what yelling actually was. It was a whole thing. It was wrapped up in two days, though. But yeah, I just keep thinking about. So have you been like Zoom dating? Are you still on the apps? Were you ever on the apps?

Yeah. So I was an app person and I've been I've been trying to be on the apps in the midst of this. But the thing for me is. it feels sort of like pointless. Because I had a friend who was very heavily Zoom dating or like having FaceTime dates with this boy that he was talking to on Hinge. And then it just like, that was the beginning of the quarantine. And then it just like, that was the beginning of the quarantine.

And then at this point, like it's filtered off because I'm like, yeah, what are you, what are you just going to talk to this boy for 30 days, 40 at this point, like without actually seeing each other. I'm like,

that is, that's a long courtship. And I just don't have time for it. It's too long. I and I just don't have time for it. It's too long. I just like, it like really, truly hurts my heart to be like, okay, so I'm going to meet somebody on an app. I'm going to talk to them maybe until 2021. And then 2021 hits, we're allowed outside. And then this person is a different person than who I'm going to actually meet.

Right. Because it gives you time to create these false narratives of this person. Or, like, you think the relationship is more than what it actually is. Like, you see him and he's like, what up, dude? And you're like, dude, I'm in love with you. I just, oh, it just, and then I started thinking about what is dating going to look like after quarantine? Like, you can't just fuck any old person. I'm going to have to take your temperature first.

And then I have to be like, who were you around? Who were you talking to? Who was breathing on you? What's the last grocery store you went to? Like, it's too much there were people who I was definitely talking to beginning of quarantine because what it also happened was I had gone on a couple dates with someone prior to quarantine and I had had a date scheduled someone else right when quarantine hit. So that got canceled.

So those were two people that I was still chatting with in the beginning of quarantine. And those, that young Halcyon first week when we were like, oh, this will be over soon. And then as it just kept going on, you just sort of stopped talking to them every day. then as it just kept going on you like you just sort of stopped talking to them every day and it becomes like a week later you're sort of like oh hey uh how was your week and it's so silly to ask someone how their week was during quarantine we all know how everybody's week was yeah i was inside. Maybe I went for a walk. I got a new mask. And this week, I feel like new cast members have showed up. Like the people you were talking to at the beginning of quarantine, they've started to drift. And this week alone, I feel like at least two new guys have texted me,

just sort of like, hey, how's your quarantine been? And I'm like, I haven't heard from you in 40 days. What's up? I haven't heard from anybody in my past, in my near future. I haven't heard from anybody, but I keep getting hit up on Hinge. I went from having, oh wait, I'm on airplane mode. Let's see. On airplane mode.

Yeah, I had nobody, nobody liked me. You know on that little homepage, it's like, no likes here. Which is so depressing. But I went from no likes to eight. eight people are trying to talk to me and i have no desire to talk to them yeah i signed up for hinge during the quarantine and um hinge is very bad with the people that it suggests you're compatible with. Yeah. Sometimes I'm like, this is what you think of me, Hinge? This?

Yeah. And then I was, I like, I think it was like a couple weeks ago. Maybe it was like three weeks ago when I had hope still. Have you, do you watch RuPaul's Drag Race? Yes, of course one of my favorite uh challenges is from season five and it's when all of them have to sing like a we are the world song yeah it opens up with Coco going I lost all hope today that's how I feel every day about dating during quarantine that that quote has been in my head all week i lost all hope today and then when you have roxy andrews going where my people at

where my people at that's also very real right now but uh yeah i messaged this guy on bumble and i was just like quarantines making me crazy like that's like my whole opening line and it's like i took a nap to stop eating which is like a joke i tweeted on twitter and it's like it's funny you'll like it and then one guy was like so have you been napping every day and i was like oh my god do you not get it i mean kind of but also it's a joke maybe you tell me what you're doing like these men are even worse at communication now that they're stuck in the house with their thoughts yeah it is it's really just sort of highlighting how many people have nothing to

talk about too because you look at you look at twitter too and i'm like the gays uh they meant so many of them have reverted to just like talking about what dumbbells they're trying to order oh these dumbbells are running late from amazon or it's like y'all really didn't have nothing to do or talk about. Read a book. Or even if you don't want to read a book, like talk to me about a movie you watched the previous day. It seems like some of the people in this quarantine are doing nothing. Yeah, I think I'm one of those people. No, I have been doing.

I've had like some semblance of a schedule, but like there are some days I've straight up done literally nothing. Also, I don't know the last time I showered. Do you have acrylics on or is that polish? What is this? What's on your nails? So my nails are usually gel, matte black, and this is the result of them not having been done in 40 days here is the tea so somebody told me to use dental floss to get my acrylics off it worked like a charm so you lift up you lift up a little bit and then you take the floss and put it under the lifted part

and it comes right off. It honestly blew my mind. But then somebody else was like, it's awful for your nails. But then I put this like nail strengthening thing on. They look bad, but like whatever. Just a little helpful hint to get anybody else through quarantine with fake nails um ira so have you i've never been in a relationship where the other person also knew they were in a relationship with me have you been in relationships uh i've been in dating ships okay hang ships sure um but no no

one would i would ever like be like this is my boyfriend i don't even know what that would be like it feels like it would be so weird to be like hi friends this is my boyfriend yeah i like can't even imagine it um so like a date ship how long has a date ship. How long has a date ship lasted for you? The most probably like two months. Samesies. I can't get past the two months. And I saw this meme on Instagram that was like, after two months, people can't continue lying. And I was like, I don't know if that's it. I think it's slightly more than that.

I could lie forever. Yeah, truly. If it meant that I had a person who was going to fuck me every night and say they love me, I can lie for the rest of my life. What is your, what's your type? Do you have a type? I try and think I have a type, but I feel like it varies just between like Akbar adjacent slash, but also like not really WeHo-ish either. Yeah, Akbar adjacent, but like they shower, they have a job, um, a good job.

Like, and you know, like I, I was, I was talking about my therapist about this this week. Um, who was like, you know, like sort of what like do you want? And I was like, I could kid myself into thinking like, oh, someone who has like an altruistic like job, you know, like, um, working for a nonprofit, et cetera, whatever. But I'm like like you know what when this when we're not trapped in our homes i like traveling i like restaurants i like spend money so i need someone who can do that too yeah and sometimes it feels superficial to be like i need someone with money but then i like came to terms with it with my therapist and she was like you're

not saying you need someone with like a ton of money she's like you just need someone to keep up with your lifestyle like if you want to go to hawaii you know so you're for whoever you're taking needs to be able to pay their own way and i was like yeah yeah i can't be a sugar daddy no i didn't even have a father so like I don't know how to be one to someone else oh my god that really got me I didn't have one so I don't fucking know how to be one

but you know for people who also don't know what the fuck Akbar is a homosexual establishment on the east side of LA. I don't even like all the damn people there to be honest, but I miss it so much in this quarantine. That vibe is sort of like a, you know, like a well-read, maybe like a hint of a beard.

Hipster, like Silver Lake hip a beard. Hipster. Like Silver Lake hipstery. Yeah. But still like in the scene. Too serious about it. Yes. Not too serious about it. Maybe lives there but enjoys going to a gay bar where they will play Lady Gaga and Beyonce.

Yeah. You want the best of both worlds you want you want uh hannah montana yes yes you want to hannah montana the best of both i don't even know how the song goes but yes you want to handle i want to handle montana too don't we all i want a man who will like let me put makeup on him but like like i want a man who will like, let me put makeup on him. But like, like I want a man who's so secure in his heterosexuality that he lets me put makeup on him. He lets me put like wigs on him.

If we have like similar size feet, he'll like stomp around in heels, like watch Drag Race with me. So an actor? Yeah, I guess I would like an actor actor a male actor who grew up in musical theater that's what it sounds like honestly yes like a man who likes to fuck women who likes musical theater they are very far and few in between but like i would love someone who would watch cats with me and not be mad about it. Mm-hmm. Have you seen Cats?

Honestly, it is the best movie of 2019. I've seen it. I've seen it. It made some points. It was batshit fucking bonkers, and I loved it. I like Andrew Lloyd Webber, even though he's garbage at times. Cats is, I've seen the movie three times, but I think that may be enough for me. I don't think I could do it again.

I've only, I've seen the play once and I saw the movie just the one time, but I fully forgot that the entire musical is just introducing different Jellicle cats until one gets to float up to heaven because it maybe died yeah it is i mean it's like hinge right it's like it's like it's like a it's like an app movie you're just constantly meeting a new cat yep yep it is it's like swiping that's so funny yeah uh what is your preferred app is it hinge right now um no i'm you know i've i've tried to use the grinder and um i'm using it to chat with literally i've been chatting with two people on it uh both of them are just in open relationships so clearly i'm just looking to be a hoe once

quarantine ends but um i've had substantial conversations with them on that app more so than i have any other one i feel like i used to use tinder a lot but i don't know it just feels i feel like either i've swiped through everybody on that damn app or no one is really trying to use them right now. I feel like there are people trying to use them because I have one friend who has been on. I think she's been on like two FaceTime dates a week since quarantine has started. And I can't do that. Right. I was just like, I don't know how you have the energy.

It was just like, I don't know how you have the energy. I've been doing so many fucking happy hour Zooms and Zoom pitches because people still think Hollywood's going to. I don't know what the fuck. I mean, I'm like, OK, we're pitching, but like when are we? We can't shoot anything for a very like a while. These general meetings over Zoom. I'm like, I don't need you seeing my house. I don't need you to see my house.

I don't need to tell you where I grew up while you're like, what's in the background, Nicole? And you're like, don't worry about it. How's it going? How you think it's going, Stephanie? Do you want to hire me or not? Can I ask you? I'm going to like, okay. Ooh, wait, we should take a break

and we're back i just really want to ask you this has nothing to do with dating but you are on you and you is one of my favorite shows i saw you on it and i squealed because i didn't know you acted and can i just ask what was the experience like and have other people grilled you about this they have um it's maybe the most exciting thing i've done to people um so that's fun. And it was a really fun experience. So the backstory is I sold a show to Warner Brothers that Greg Berlanti is producing. And he knows that I love you because I talk about it. I talked about season one like on Keep It constantly. And so while season two was being written written he sent me a message and was

like hey do you want to be in season two and i was like yes yes i do uh and so they got me that part And I went to the Valley where they shoot and waited around all day, as you do on set. My early morning call. And then I hit set at like three for my two lines. But it was really fun. It was just this, you know, it was this backyard L.A. party scene. And my scene is with Penn Badgley. And it was very pleasant. I love him. He, honestly, I was watching season one.

So, like, I was in Italy with my friend Matteo my other friend Taylor uh his boyfriend Alex and Sashir and we were in separate Airbnbs and there was one time where we were all like just like kind of really jet lagged so we stayed in and then so she was like I started watching you and I was like oh well I have watched two episodes and she said okay three is where you're gonna get hooked let's watch it so we watched it and i was like oh my god i'm in and then we just stayed up till like 6 a.m fucking watching you and i didn't realize i was doing this but at some points i was like pointing at the tv being like yes joe i'm joe i would do that joe and then finally so she tapped me and was like um you keep saying you identify with

the murderer of the show and i was like oh but like yes i'm joe beck was annoying okay she was so if they wanted us to sympathize with the murderer uh if they wanted us to not sympathize with the murderer she should have been less annoying she was so annoying and she knew what she was doing when she'd fuck in front of that window with no fucking curtains come on now you you when he was like you made me do this i was like you did best so victim blaming and so victim shby it's so rude i did finally start seeing him as an asshole in season two though i was like these people are so nice like i loved 40 40 was sweet but 40 was so codependent but then you find out that twist why he's so codependent right and then when i was like i knew okay from the beginning i knew something was up with the person who ends up being wild at the end i was like there's something about her there's something about her and when it all

unraveled i was on a treadmill and i almost fell off of it i was truly huffing and puffing on an incline going woo woo no woo woo Oh my god. Did you watch Too Hot to Handle on Netflix? I have seen five episodes and I don't know if I can finish. It's only eight episodes so you're like more than halfway through.

But I was truly like, what a glorious show. Put a bunch of hot idiots on a fucking Mexican resort and then tell them they can't fuck. And then watch them struggle to make conversation. I was like, thank God I'm not a traditionally pretty person. And I developed a personality. not a traditionally pretty person and i developed a personality yeah it is it is bleak seeing them trying to talk and it is it's it's it's also the clownery of watching the show when we all can't have sex right now yeah it is uh it is very funny They're stuck in a place where they can't have sex. And it's like, yeah, I'm stuck in a place where I can't have sex.

But, you know, I truly keep wondering. I'm like, so the last time I had sex was like fine. But I'm like, will that be the last time I have sex? It'll just be fine? You know the lockdown went into official effect Sunday night. My last time was Saturday. I had to get together at my apartment. And it was great, to be honest.

Wow, really just rubbing it in. wow really just rubbing it in i think the last time i had sex was a week before quarantine started or like maybe like four days before quarantine started and i was like so i was like seeing three people and i told all three of them i was like text me i was like hit me up when uh the pandemic goes away and then i was like maybe i shouldn't have said that text maybe i should have been like hit me up whenever you want we can trade nasty little pictures but then i just like deleted one of their numbers because i was like you shouldn't be texting them anyway i don't think they actually liked me it was like a whole thing and then my therapist didn't seem to to understand the gravitas of me deleting someone's number so then i got mad at her it's been a whole thing

i feel like the people i've been having the most substantial conversations with are people who have men um because i think really this pandemic is really the hardest on these open relationship girls. Oh, yes. Because they're used to fucking everything. Uh-huh. And now what do they have to do? Sit at home with their partner? Yeah. So it's been just a lot of, those are the people on Grindr who are like, hey, what's up?

Those are the ones actually having something to say too like i've been having good conversation um the the side part about that is like we need to stop having good conversation because i can't date you when this is over but would you be open to being a third in a relationship or no i'm already the third ira madison the third i can't be someone else's fair fair i often wonder if i could even do an open relationship because like i travel a lot and i was like i guess it would be fair to that person to be like you can fuck whoever you want while I'm gone but then on the flip side I'm like would I want them to tell me about it? Would I just

constantly be jealous about it? I don't know I guess you don't know until you try it. Yeah you know like it works for some friends of mine it has not worked for some people I know for me I travel a lot too um so who knows what it would be but i'm also a leo so like i i like my attention on me i'm a virgo

and i like attention apparently that's not like a virgo we trade i'm not very virgo like well beyonce's a virgo. She is? Oh, yeah. Her birthday's in September, right? Yeah. September what? Fourth. Oh, yeah. Because her whole thing is like fours.

Maybe I'm like Beyonce. Oh, my God. I am Beyonce. Let's see. Other Virgos. Keanu Reeves. Okay. Blake Lively. Okay. Leanu Reeves. Okay. Blake Lively.

Okay. Lea Michele. Michael Jackson. Yes, me and Michael have the same birthday. But only one of us still celebrates, which is one of my favorite jokes. And some people don't like it. and some people don't like it. Who do you share your birthday with?

I share my birthday with Elizabeth Berkley. Oh, okay. Jesse Spano. Yeah. I love it. Her and Lori Loughlin. Uh-oh, homegirl's going to jail. Yeah, like Naomi Malone and the college scammer.

Yes, Aunt Becky, the college scammer. Can I ask you a filthy question? Sure. What's your favorite kind of dick? I'm so horny. Um, you know what? I think I like a cut dick. Really?

Yeah. Otherwise, there's just like a lot going on in there. And I don't need all that, Momo. I love an uncut dick. That's my favorite. To me, that's like a Michelin star dick. That's what I like. Uncut, yes.

Serve me the appetizer and the entree and the dessert at the same time. A whole tasting menu. Yeah, I mean, that's what I want. I'm so horny. I truly stayed up till like 6 a.m. the other night just masturbating. That seems like a lot of work. It was a lot of work.

So I would like masturbate and then go smoke a cigarette and then climb into bed. And then I'd be like, I can't sleep, I'm still horny. Then I'd masturbate again, and then I'd scroll through Instagram, and then I'd watch a porn, and then I would be like, well, I guess I could do it again. It was awful, and it didn't relieve any stress, and I woke up still horned up.

I had Instagram DM sex with someone two weeks ago. Wait, so were you like sending nasty? Wait, how? Were you like Instagram live? What? How? Just like sending videos and clips through Instagram. Just sitting on the couch.

It just sort of happened. I am so worried about doing that. Not that I think that someone would like try to get a dirty vid from me and then like put it on the internet, but like I feel like that's the thing that could happen. At this point, I feel like it could only be free advertising. I just would hate to be like host of children's show.

Nailed it. You're in a cold. Yeah. See that, that, that has a worse guest actor on season two of you. People would be like, who?

I think people would know and I think people would get excited. How long do you think quarantine is going to last? I keep deluding myself into thinking it's not going to

encroach on Leo season. And keep thinking that like if it follows other coronavirus norms like it will filter away like mid to late summer and then probably come back in a second wave but you know anything for my birthday anything for my birthday i mean honestly it would be really nice if it was done by my birthday august 29th you know that would be that would be so great and okay so i said all of last year i was like all because 2019 was not a great year for me personally professionally great personally not really and i kept being like 2020 is my year 2020 is my year and then like january was fucking it it was so good and then february was like okay we're still going all right a little bit of corona in the air and then march was like for like everybody was like full fucking

stop but like i still maintain that this year is my year i think the back end of this year is going to be really fruitful for me i feel cursed because like i cursed myself because i was like i think 2019 was a good professional year for me, too. Like, whatever personal life, it was fine. But then, like, the beginning of the year started. And first of all, I, like, I was in Mexico for Christmas. And I went to Paris for New Year's. Yes.

And then afterwards, I was in New York the weekend, like, after that. And then, like, the next weekend, I was in something in, like, Salt Lake City. Or I flew through Salt Lake City. But, like, I was gone every damn weekend. Mexico City, I went in February. through salt lake city but like i was gone every damn weekend um mexico city i went uh in february uh and it got to the point where like literally when i'd gotten back from mexico that i had my sister's wedding the next weekend in florida and i came back and i was like i am like so tired of traveling i had not been home a single weekend the entire um of entirety of 2020 and i said i just want to stay my ass home and then what happened i mean yep i had been i think

i did maybe i would say 30 30 tour dates last year i was like gone almost every weekend doing weekends at clubs. And this year was like more of the same. And I called my agent and was like, hey, I think I'm ready to like sell a special. I'm really happy with my hour. I love it. I think I need to slow down on the touring for like the mid of this year. Like I'll finish my dates till April. And then I was like, I need to just take a break when I get back from Australia. And he was like, yeah, Nicole, that's fine. You always know that you should just tell me what's up.

And I was like, all right, great. And then truly the pandemic hit and I was like, oh, okay. I said, I wanted to stay home. I guess I'm too powerful. Okay. Gotta harness this power. Like I take it back. i take it all back but i will say oh my god this like article i i think it was a variety or vanity fair i don't know but the title of this article is uh nicole byer is happy with corona if it means she never has to hug another person again and i

was like what an awful awful awful headline because i'm putting you on blast like that because i did say in the article i was like they asked they were like do you think anything good will come of corona and i was like well i think people will be able to manage personal space a little bit better people grab me when they hug me in ways that don't feel great and they took that and put that as the headline and i was like well now i seem like an asshole yeah and the last date i did i might have mentioned it on this podcast truly nothing is going on in my life uh don't even know how to talk about anything new but uh I was in Arlington Texas and it was the weekend like the last weekend we were allowed out uh before quarantine and uh during the meet and greet peep I was like I'm not touching anyone my future was like no touching and like some people

were like but I just want to give you something I'm like no i can't i'm not taking that um but anyway a nice author came to my show and gave me a book and i was like i guess i'll take this book home i'll risk corona but then and i thought i was being crazy at that point but then i was like nope nope this is this is awful and this is bad yeah um it's it's weird looking back on like the people who are like, maybe we shouldn't like be doing things. Like we fully started working hard because I'm writing on this Netflix show, Q-Force right now, Gabe Lietman's show. I love Gabe.

I love him. Megan Amram's in the room. And she was like fully like two weeks before this lockdown, like was always like, just sort of like talking about this coronavirus thing that was happening. And we were all like, yeah, girl,

whatever. Yeah. Megan has been talking about it since like January. I was like just on a zoom with her and she was like, I kept saying it was going to be bad and nobody believed me. Literally. Cassandra trying to warn the gods. She's the one who got us working from home like before California started telling people work from home. It's so funny.

I think it was I think his name is Dr. Fauci. Someone tweeted at me. I said his name incorrectly on another podcast. But there is this like quote from him that's like if we he's like, damned if you do, damned if you don't. Because if we took these measures earlier and like not very many people died, everyone would have been like, you're overreacting. But now that we're taking these measures later, it's like you underreacted. There is no happy middle ground with a pandemic. It's so crazy. Everyone would have been like, you're overreacting. But now that we're taking these measures later, it's like you underreacted. There is no happy middle ground with a pandemic. It's so crazy.

Yeah. The funniest thing about us working from home, too, is I put them on blast. We so our show is universal. universal and uh why are we finding out if we need it to work from home and then we're like calling and found out that parts of universal were already working from home that's funny but but like we're not on the universal lot so it made sense that they didn't tell us but it was just so funny and then realizing also that some of your like agents or managers were already working from home too but they were just they were just having their calls roll to their assistants at their home to make you think that they weren't working from home

because they never want us to think that their jobs are not essential and couldn't just couldn't just be done in their living room i mean yeah it was so interesting because i was in production for something and then we still had our table read after it was like this is getting bad uh and then our like actual network table we got pushed and then they're like we're gonna push it for two weeks and we'll see where we're at and that was uh what six weeks ago when the quarantine started who fucking knows a hundred years ago uh and then uh i know like there was some productions that were like oh we're we're like ceasing production blah blah then there was other productions that were like we're gonna finish it was just like i think it was nobody knew what the fuck was going on uh it was it's so wild it's everything is i feel crazy yeah definitely feel um but also like settled into it you know like this is what it is i'm slowly cleaning but i'm usually

a messy person in my home um but i also like to have people over so like there'll be spurts where like i do clean and then allow people to enter my home um but now that i'm just been here by myself i'm slowly finally cleaning things and maybe that's helping like i moved in here six months ago and there were still like boxes by the side of my bed and like my closet of things that i needed to unpack i did some of that yesterday yeah i i'm also like genuinely a pretty messy person not like it's not like dirty like i don't leave food dishes and shit and shit out. It's just clutter. I have a hard time. It's how my ADD kind of manifests.

I'll look at a pillow on the floor and be like, all I have to do is pick up that pillow. And then my brain goes, but how will you pick up the pillow? How? How could you ever do that? And then I'll just leave it. But I'm trying to be better at that. I've been pole dancing a little bit more.

I've been like trying. I've seen the hustlers. Oh, thank you. Yes, you've seen it. But I've been trying to like do things for me. And then I had like a call with my team and they were like, all right, let's think of pitches.

People are listening to pitches. And I was like, I don't know how to do that right now. I don't, my work from home is different. I was so glad that I was writing on a show because, um, like I went,

I went to script, um, literally as this pandemic was hitting, as we were on this lockdown. But because we had already broken it, outlined, I was like, it didn't force me to have to be like extra creative. Like my mind was already zeroed in on that. So I was like, oh, okay, cool. This is fine. But trying to write anything else.

Yeah. It's been really hard to like, yeah, because it's like, I like, even with my standup, it's like stories from my life. And it's like, oh, I don't have a life if I can't interact with people. That's where like the good shit comes from. Because people say the wildest shit to me I dug into my gmail the other day and found a screenplay that I wrote at NYU

like in 2010 and I'm like I guess we gonna be cleaning this up yeah clean that bitch up and sell it people are hearing pitches over zoom but nothing new when quarantine ends what is your ideal first date like what does that look like whether it be with someone you've been out with but like that first date out um one of these men i've been instagramming with is just gonna get an invite to my apartment

that's my first date that's my first date i love your first date out it's just a date in you're like i don't need to leave now you bring that dick over here um but my first place i want to go is so i live near um one of my current favorite restaurants in la it's cali uh and i used to just eat there all the time and i it's also one of the restaurants that is like not open now in the midst of it. Cause it's like a tasting menu slash nice dining Michelin restaurants. I'm like, they're not like you can't get delivery and shit from there. It's just closed. So the minute that reopens restaurants do,

I'm going to be there the first night that they reopen. And I'll invite someone with me, have a little date. Okay. There you go. I'll be a sugar daddy that night so if anyone wants to go to that restaurant I will take him there what is is there is there a limit of what somebody could order um no order whatever they want my favorite thing is seeing a sex worker with their client at a restaurant.

And have you ever overheard a sex worker be like, can I get two things? It's my favorite thing because I'm like, yes, bitch. Take everything. Get everything out of this. Get your two meals. Get your get what you need. It makes me so happy. If you ever go to Mro's in uh beverly

hills i love mastro's honestly the food mediocre the entertainment it's just a vibe yeah every beverly hills restaurant is a scene yes not really any good food there but but but a scene yes last time i was at masters i literally found a condom on the ground and i was like they're here i love it it makes me feel good i think my first date out i think i would be like let's get let's take an uber you know we could get back into ubers again get an uber with like two bottles of champagne or two bottles of wine and go sit on the beach and drink and then if it's warm we get in the water if it's not we just you know talk until the sun comes up or we sit there talk till the sun comes up and then you take me to your house and you fucking

fuck me so hard you scramble up my guts. That's... I'm like truly looking to get fucked so hard that it hurts the next day to sit. That's what I need. I need to be hurt, daddy. I'm so horny

i'm right there with you are you still writing on your show or is the show did you is the room done are you still writing we got extended um three weeks so we're writing till the end of may honestly i feel like that's nice It's nice to have a purpose. It is. It is. At least when people are like asking me like, what are you up to? I'm like, well, I'm still working.

So yeah. Yeah. That's, oh, that's so fucking nice. It's hard to not, to have to be self-motivating and then also not have like an end goal. Like there's no like date for me to have anything done by. Even when this is over, I'm like, I would write on, I would do another show via Zoom, you know, because I like, I don't, I don't, I like the structure is nice. A feeling, feeling like I am doing something.

If I were just like wandering around my house like sunset boulevard i don't know things would things my mental state would not be the same as it is now i think zoom rooms or video rooms are gonna be a thing for lower budget shows i think what they'll probably start doing is like half the room will be in person. Half the room when like you're basically just doing scripts is Zoom. Quibi can't wait. Quick bite. Okay.

My gripe with Quibi is you cannot airplay on Apple TV. Yeah, it's very annoying it um it was created um for a world that we are not in like we're not in it currently right it was created for quick bites with like people watching on their commute like when they have time or whatever. But now like all we got is time. Let me watch that shit on my Apple TV. Yes. I really hope they come out with like something like an Apple TV compatible thing

because I have, or I don't have Quibi. My roommate's boyfriend has Quibi and we've been gathering around his phone in the living room. And I'm like this, we can't do it like this. I got it. So I could watch the show I worked on. And I watched, I watched Game Show.

Yes, that's what I watched. Because I was on it. Yes, yes. And, oh, and I watched Joel and and kiki on single doubt that was cute oh yes yes yes but then i was like what else i i can't be sitting on my phone watching these like little like dramas they got on quibi well i'm also just like on my phone so much yeah like i'm on my phone so much. Yeah. Like, I'm on my, I wake up, I look at my phone, and then I've been trying to eat dinner by, like, and not having my phone at dinner.

And the other day, my roommate was like, are you just staring at the wall? And I was like, yep. Yep, just truly staring at the fucking wall. Ira, we've truly come to the end of our conversation i've truly enjoyed speaking with you and i ask all of my guests this would you date me you know what i'd take you to cali with me yes and i can have two dinners. I love it. Well, we've come truly to the end.

Do you have anything you want to promote? Yeah. You know, my Instagram is at Ira the third. If you would love to slide into my DMs, I am also as horny as Nicole Byer. So hit me up. I love it. Honestly, you probably will get a lot of people in your DMs. Every man I've had on my podcast has been like, my DMs light up after each episode.

And I'm like, lucky for you. But if you- Well, hello, let's celebrate that. If you like this episode of Why Won't You Date Me, you can subscribe, you can like it you can rate it five stars you can also send me a nasty message and i'll read it out loud you can either dm me i read those or you can email me at bacon like the food not the action can save at gmail.com this person said i would sumo wrestle you both of us naked and covered in melted butter

we would run into each other and smack our buttery bellies until i knock you on your back eat you out and yell arigato arigato thank you while you come okay they they um want you to be japanese i guess so but it was a, it was a nice nasty little message and I enjoyed it. Yeah. You know what? Same. I take any,

I take anything at this point, you know? I mean, that's how I am right now. Ira, thank you so much for being here and bearing with my terrible internet connection in my room.

It's all good thank you so much bye love bye This has been a Team Coco production.