Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Is It OK to Google Your Dates? (w/ Kara Klenk)

Episode Date: November 9, 2018

"He gave the podcast people more insight into why we broke up than he did to me"Turns out, talking about your relationship publicly on podcasts could be troublesome. Kara Klenk (Magic for Humans, stand-up) shares her experiences when her break-up details were announced on a podcast. Nicole has to start being careful what she says on WWYDM, cause turns out people she dating are listening to this. Oops! Also, Nicole's sister's eHarmony account has been hacked with photos of white women. The internet is straight up crazy.You can play along and see Nicole's Tinder bio and photos on her Facebook page at: https://www.facebook.com/pg/NicoleByerComedyBe sure to rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Leave a dirty comment for a chance have it read on-air.Follow Nicole Byer:Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdatesTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerFacebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedy

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? It is a podcast where I, Nicole Byer, try to figure out the wildest question of my life. Why am I still single? Even though I will have sex with you and immediately leave and not even ask you to pay for my Uber.

Because men seem to love sleeping alone. My guest today is a very funny stand-up who I adore. She's also very good at making hot dogs. She wrote for Magic for Humans that is currently streaming on Netflix. Cara Clank! Hi! Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack! Oh my God, I never realized that my name could totally be used as like an air horn at a concert.

Your name is an onomatopoeia. It is, that's for sure. It's a good, you have a great name. And that's your government name, right? Yeah, that's me. That's born Kara Clank. It's a really great name. Thank you. You got alliteration going.

I know. You got an onomatopoeia going. They say that kuh sounds are like funny. It's like a comedy sound. That's why you want to put more kuhs into stuff. Oh. I've heard that. Nicole.

I got married and I'm not dropping my name. Because I'm like, I gotta keep this. You don't want to be Kara Logan. I've heard that. Nicole. I got married and I'm not dropping my name because I'm like, I'm going to keep this. Don't drop your name. You don't want to be Kara Logan. I know. Honestly. That sounds like a Midwestern housewife. Yes, it does. And I'm not interested in her.

It does. I say you make good hot dogs because you made some good hot dogs at my house once. I'm actually a vegetarian, so I brought hot dogs to your house, but I brought veggie dogs, which taste like rubber bands. But hang on. When you can't eat meat, I just love the hot dog feeling. You know what I mean? How long have you been a vegetarian?

Ten years. Would you ever make the switch to vegan? Okay, so when we were engaged and our wedding was creeping up on us, both my husband and I did this diet that was vegan. Is Jared a vegetarian? No. He tries to eat mostly vegetarian are you publicly married can I say Jared yeah yeah yeah I'm publicly married please I don't want his identity revealed just like I have a husband and you'll never know who he is no no no yes no I'm married to Jared Logan another comedian and he goes mostly veggie with me when he can if I'm preparing the food and then he will eat meat um but we both went vegan he lost 25 fucking pounds in two months and I lost zero pounds zero

pounds I was making my own salad dressing like it was so it was like everything in this diet we did was so crazy there was like you couldn't have. So you couldn't like buy any dressings. You had to like really make everything yourself. But did you drop any inches? I felt great. And I felt like I looked good. And like when I was getting my wedding dress on and stuff. Maybe.

But I like literally did not lose a pound on the scale. Maybe. And I watched him just like emaciate in a period of no time it was so frustrating as you were whisking your salad dressing building muscle you were building muscle and that's why you didn't lose weight because you were gaining muscle and your waist was getting small you just didn't know i know well anyway i don't really fuck with veganism anymore. I love cheese. I love cheese so much. I love eggs. I can't.

Fair. Fair, very fair. But may I ask why you don't eat meat? Is it a... Oh, my God. Do you want to hear it's the stupidest story? Yes. I lived in New York.

And honestly, this November, it's 11 years. So it was 11 years ago. I lived in New York. I read this book that everybody was reading. It was called Skinny Bitch. Okay. Unrelated to Bethany Frankel's franchise. Oh, this is a different Skinny Bitch. Totally different. Her thing is called Skinny Girl It was called Skinny Bitch. Okay. Unrelated to Bethany Frankel's franchise. Oh, this is a different Skinny Bitch. Totally different. Her thing is called Skinny Girl.

Oh, Skinny Girl. This was called Skinny Bitch. So she's a little bit more wild. It was these two women that were like nutritionists and they were like, listen, stop drinking beer. It's disgusting and makes you fart. And here's why you should be a vegan. And it was like this whole thing that basically told you to be a vegan. And I was like, I'm not going to be a vegan. But I was like, you know what? I've never tried giving anything up like i'm jewish so i've never done like a lent or anything yes so i was like i'll just not eat meat for like a month hell yeah why wouldn't you disclose that upon meeting me no i'm kidding i just didn't know you're jewish i just figured my nose disclosed it for you but i guess not um i guess i i just

grew up around a lot of jewish people so I just, I don't know. Also- Your radar didn't ping for me? No, but also like- Well, maybe it's clank, it's not really. Ethnicities and religion, I don't know. It doesn't matter to me. Yeah, no, I mean, it doesn't matter to me at all either.

But, and I'm also basically an atheist, but like I, where was I going with this? Yeah, so I was like, let's just, I'm just gonna see if I can stop eating meat for one month. And then I just stopped and I just never went back. And it was like, once it gets to a couple years, you start worrying that you're going to shit your pants if you eat meat again. So now I just have never gone back. That's me with fast food.

I genuinely don't eat fast food. Even on the road, I don't eat McDonald's. Last time I did it, it was so greasy. I felt it in my skin the next day. Yeah. And I hadn't eaten it for a year. And then I did a chicken and nugget power hour and literally shit my pants the next day. I got out of bed and I was like, ooh, this is going to be a good toot.

And then I was like, no! False alarm. Yeah. I don't know if I could go back to meat now. I feel like it would tear my stomach up. I mean, I had friends that were vegetarians for years and then just got blackout drunk and ate beef jerky. Maybe that's how you have to do it.

You just dive in blacked out. Because your body's like, there's already poison inside of me. So like, who fucking cares? Yeah, yeah, yeah. How long have you been married? Three years. Oh.

And that is why I won't date you. But if I wasn't married, we solved it. Episode over? Episode over. All right. Five minutes in. Bye bye. Thank you.

So three years. How long did you date before you got married? Episode over? Episode over. All right. Five minutes in. Bye-bye. Thank you. So three years. How long did you date before you got married? So we dated for five years before we got married, but we did break up after year one for six months. Wow. Yeah. We broke up. Bad breakup.

No talking. May I ask why? Or is that private? No, I don't care. And you know what? Right after we broke up, he went on this very popular podcast in New York and talked all about it. And I was like, bitch.

And like, he gave the podcast people more insight into why we broke up than he did to me, basically. And I like wrote him an email and was like, stop talking about me on podcasts or whatever. Oh my God, what a dumb sentence. I wrote him an email and said, stop talking about me on podcasts or whatever oh my god what a dumb sentence i wrote him an email and said stop talking about me on podcasts wow but also jared way to be up on like the podcast trend yeah seven years ago he was on a podcast yeah well it was one of those it was it was keith and the girl one of the first podcasts they are like that is one of the first podcasts wow and and a podcast

that also loves comedy gossip. So I think they loved, they were like, what happened? And he was like, I'm a guy. I'm just going to tell you all the details. Okay, so this is your revenge. This is Roman's revenge. I go on. Give it to me.

Give it to me. Why did you break up? It was kind of like we were together one year. I think that's a huge fight or flight time for people in relationships. Like we were together a year. He was saying I love you to me and I wasn't saying it back because I wasn't sure. When he said, Kara, clank, clank, clank, clank, I love you. What would you say back?

Thank you. Yeah! Yeah! I love you. What would you say back? Thank you. Yeah! I feel so bad.

I only feel good talking about this now because I say I love you to him every day multiple times now. But it was like, I was just like, I don't know if I love you. Like, I really liked being in a relationship with him, but I was like, I don't know. And then that was one thing. Another thing was he really wanted to move in with me. I had a rent-stabilized apartment in New York. I think you knew about it. Because I remember when I left it, you were like, what happened to that apartment? What happened to it?

I don't remember the answer. I got bought out. The guy bought me out. Oh, so that's not that bad. Yeah. But I mean, I loved it. It was in our family. It was like in our family, not officially, but loosely for like 40 years.

I wish we could have kept it. So what is it now? Like a high rise? No. So the guy said he was going to move his family into the building. And he's just renting it now for truly five times what I paid. Oh, wow. So he bought you out and then legit probably recouped his losses in a year.

Yeah. But he lied to me and told me that he was moving his family in because that's one of the only ways you can get rent-stabilized people out. That sucks! But it was like, I could have fought him. I was moving to LA anyway. You know, it was a whole thing. So anyway, he wanted to move in with me

because I had this super cheap rent-stabilized apartment. And I was like, I can't tell if you want to move in with me because you want to live with me or because we'd each be paying like 10 cents in rent if we split a rent stabilization together how much was your rent okay when i left my rent was 800 yes i knew it for a one bet when i first moved into it a thousand or like a little less than a thousand i first moved into it it was 5 30 a month in 2004 what a fucking it was crazy it's the only way i survived in new york and where was it again

80th yes yes yes Yes, yes, yes. So like such a great neighborhood. One bedroom, brownstone, exposed brick. They probably rented out for like three grand a month now. 33. My sister found it on Street Easy. Damn. Wild.

Yeah, crazy. Wild. That sucks. I know. So I couldn't tell whether he wanted to do that. We were like fighting a bunch. And I remember like right before we broke up, I was like, why don't you just break up with me? I can tell you want to. He was like, well,

what are you talking about? Gaslighting me and then completely broke up with me the next day. I was like, you are so... What are you talking about? Which is funny because I can hear him say that. Yeah. What are you talking about? But then what was crazy

was the night we broke up, I had tickets to go see Kate McKinnon do a one-woman show. This was And I was like, okay. But then what was crazy was the night we broke up, I had tickets to go see Kate McKinnon do a one-woman show. This was before she was anybody, but everybody had just told me she was so great at the UCB. So I was like, well, I got to go because I have plans. And so I just walked out of my apartment, left him there and was like, leave the key under the door. Went to meet my sister, was crying.

She was like, what's wrong? I was like, Jared and I just broke up. It's fine. Let's go to this show. And then we like go to UCB Chelsea. I watched the show. She was great. I see like, I think I saw like a parna.

I saw like a bunch of people I knew at the show was like trying to pretend I wasn't crying. And then, but it was like, it was like a bad breakup where we didn't speak for like six months, except for me writing emails like, stop. And then he started dating a friend of mine, which was awkward. Still a friend? Hmm? Still a friend? A person I see at parties and I'm like, hi.

You know, like, but not, you know. And yeah, so it was, I actually got away with, we broke up in June and I I got away with not seeing him around a lot until October. That's honestly really, really great. Yeah, because I went a few months. You see people all the time. They're like, oh, I thought I would never see you again. It's truly the worst part about dating within comedy. Comedy is the smallest circle.

So little. So then I started seeing him around, and then I started seeing him around with the girl he was dating. And they were like, she was ignoring me and they were being weird. And I was like, can we just get together and clear the air? So like I emailed him to get together to clear the air. And then like a month later. You're not texting him. Yeah.

A month later we just got together. No, a month later we ran into each other really drunk and hooked up. And the rest is history. So romantic. I i mean kind of you but in those six months he like got a lot of his shit together he had been feeling very like having a bunch of insecurities about his career and stuff like that and a lot of good stuff started happening for him in like those six months so when we got back together if we we call it like phase one and phase two because it was like completely separate relationships he was so different when we got back together that's nice yeah that's really nice that you got back with your ex and he had grown totally just a better fucking partner for

you yes so and the friend that he got together with had gone to like a lot of therapy it was very pro therapy and i actually think she helped him a lot i think she helped him realize a lot of the stuff that i'd been telling him. But now that he was hearing it from like a second source. So she fixed him for you. A little bit. She should be your best friend. I'm kidding.

Fuck her. I think she backed up. Whatever. You're right. I owe her at least like a fucking edible arrangement. I gotta give her something. That would be so funny if five years later the current

wife of your ex-boyfriend sent you an edible arrangement and then you were like, let me start listening to podcasts. You're like, there it is. That's why. So wait, seven years, six months not. Did you ever date on apps? Did you miss apps? No. So I did

eHarmony a little bit when I So I did eHarmony a little bit when I was – I did eHarmony a little bit, but Tinder was not a thing since I've been with Jared. eHarmony rejected me. They said I was part of the 3% of unmatchable. And my sister's eHarmony – What? Is that a – what does that mean? Well, they ask you the same question in different iterations. So I was like, fuck this.

I would answer differently. So I think they were like, she's a sociopath. They were like, you don't know yourself. And then do you remember the questions? Some of them were like, do you like horses? Some of those questions were so weird. You don't remember? They were really weird.

They were super weird. Yeah, and it takes hours. I mean, it takes at least two hours to fill that out. Oh, it took so long. Also, my sister just had an issue with eHarmony. She was like, you'll get a kick out of this. I was like, what is it, Catherine? She was like, well, I was on eHarmony because I was like, let's find me a boyfriend.

And then someone hacked my eHarmony. And they were posting different pictures of me. And I was like, well, how did you know you were hacked? She was like, they were posting the different pictures of me. And they were of white women. and you know I'm black. Oh my god. And she was like, and then they couldn't just fix it, so they had to disable my account, and I'm free to sign up for another one, but I think I give up. And I was like, what?

Wait a minute. What is somebody's motivation in hacking someone's eHarmony account? To hack my adorable older sister's eHarmony account and post pictures of white women? I have no idea. Maybe someone was like, white women have better luck on these sites, so maybe I'll help assist that out. I don't know. That's so insane. I have no idea.

I matched with this guy on Bumble. Wait, I have to tell you about this. So I don't think I screenshot the actual, like his profile. But it was, so we matched and his profile was something like, it was like attractive pictures of this person. And it was like, I of this person and it was like I work at Home Depot I have a lot of STDs

I'll give them to you even if you don't want them I'm a piece of shit or something like that and I matched with him because I was like he needs to know this profile is wild

so I wrote to him your profile is wild and then the person said how to put this dude on blast because he gave me two STDs, one you can't get rid of. So I said, wait, you're fake. So you're a fake profile for a man who gave you STDs matching with people.

Why? And then they unmatched me because I think I asked a great question. So someone's on there taking vigilante justice against an ex. Someone in Minneapolis, Minnesota. Because that's where we matched. Near the airport. So she's hoping enough people see his face and just recognize him by

face? I guess so. But then I was like, why are you matching with people? What? I also love that it says, I'll give you all my STDs even if you don't want them. Is there an option of people that want them?

I'm paraphrasing. I don't remember exactly what it said. But it was so wild. And then the plane took off and it was like, you have a Bumble message. So I think they were trying to say something back to me before they unmatched me. But I was like, you know, in the air and cellular usage is not permitted while you're in flight.

Also, it's impossible. Okay, great, it's not permitted, but, like, it don't work up there. So, like, when I landed, it had, like, disappeared, and I was like, damn, I really wanted to know what that angry, STD-riddled woman had to say to me. Isn't that nuts? That's crazy. You have so many funny stories from the apps. Honestly, I'm a little, like, bummed that I never got to say to me. Isn't that nuts? It's crazy. You have so many funny stories from the apps.

Honestly, I'm a little bummed that I never got to do the apps. I know. Please don't be bummed. I know. Everyone's like, it's a nightmare, but I love going on other people's and stuff. I think it sounds fun. It is a true blue nightmare. Well, just because eHarmony was just as nightmarish but longer.

At least you could get through somebody sucking quickly on Tinder. I would be in this never-ending limbo of, well, we matched in phase one and then we sent in our – I mean, remember how it used to work? No, they rejected me. So it's truly a door that's never been opened for me. So how does it work? Okay, so if you see somebody that you like and you like wink at them, wait till they wink back. Same as like a Tinder.

Okay. Then it goes into a first phase of questions. Like how would you answer these questions? There are multiple choice. Then if those answers match, you go to essay questions. Like short paragraph, short paragraph answers. It gives you like three of those. And a lot of them are like, if your kid was born with mental defects, would you abort it?

Like the questions are wild. And then if you match there, then it lets you go into full open communication. But because it took so long, and we're like all New York City people, I'd be like, sometimes I would answer it drunk. Sometimes I'd forget to answer it. Like I had it all set up through a different email account. That's wild. You'd be like, oh, I've been sort of connected with this guy for two and a half weeks and we have not even gotten to speaking yet.

And then once you got to email, you could be like, want to get together? And then you would go on a date. I went on a couple of dates for me, Harmony, and like the guys were all pretty okay. I mean, nobody, no. One guy I went on a date with was so funny in writing. And when I met him in life, he was like on the spectrum, like could not look in my eyes. It was crazy. Interesting.

How different people are in writing than they are. Well, I say it all the time on the cast. Is that what people call a podcast? The cast? On the pod? Well, I say texting creates a false sense of intimacy because you can't read the way the person's saying it. You don't know their personality yet i'm pretty bad at texting but like pretty cool in person

i'm just i refuse to be more communicative in a text than i am in person especially if i don't know you because if we text everything, all our thoughts, all our dreams, hopes, and wishes, what will we talk about? That's crazy. I mean, I think that the texting should be like, what are you up to right now? Maybe what shows are you watching?

Yes. Not like, how many kids are you thinking about? Or if you could do something other than your current profession, what would it be? I don't think any of that's for texting. I feel like you have a little bounce back of a couple bullshit things and then you're like want to meet like yes there's no other point like yes you know I generally don't give people my phone number until they've asked until we've decided we're meeting yeah because

then you can have my phone number and then if there's and I try to set the date like three days you know so like we exchange numbers and then set that date like three days after we've exchanged numbers. So it's not like a week and a half of like we're texting, bleepity blop. Right. And then you meet and you're like, ugh. Yeah. But I've been on two dates recently where the person was like, you're really bad at texting. Did you know that?

And I was like, yes, I did. It was by design yeah i would like to speak to you and not just text you for forever right uh how did the dates work out did you like either of them um one of them let's see i think they listened to this i think they said that they must be really weird too that people kind of know who you are because I went on a date one time eHarmony where a guy looked up my stand up between date one and date two

and I was like don't do that he was quoting my jokes to me it was so awkward it was so awkward I that is a nightmare and that's only like a fucking YouTube video I mean if you have like a nightmare that is a nightmare and that's only like

a fucking YouTube video I mean if you have like a podcast and like a show and people kind of know who you are because you you are a big deal

Nicole Byer I'm mildly successful um it lately people have known me uh huh

um and they all the guys I've gone on dates with listen to this podcast called the Doughboys yeah yeah yeah

I know that podcast they love the Doughboys and it's been very weird because I guess I'm pretty explicit

on here but I'm also explicit on that podcast you've been on Doughboys okay so they've heard you on that yes so they'll be like

I know you I listen to Doughboys I've heard you before I'm Yes. Okay. So they'll be like, I know you. I listen to Doughboys. I've heard you before. I'm like, oh, okay, cool. And I generally, what? This is the second time I can't. I generally don't invite a man to see me perform live until it's been at least a month. Yeah.

Or like two months. Or never. Yeah. You never have to come to a show of mine. Yeah. Or like two months or never. Yeah. You never have to come to a show of mine. Yes. I would actually rather you didn't because especially early on I because you tell

jokes for a you know a finite amount of time but you tell them for a while so I have a bunch of single jokes because I've been single. Right. So then it's like you the person I'm dating comes to the show then you're like oh so she sees herself a single and then she's like, you, the person I'm dating, comes to the show, then you're like, ah, so she sees herself as single, and then she's saying this like,

thing about her sloppy puss, or whatever. Yeah, yeah. He's like, but I like that sloppy pussy. So then you get something in your mind that's different than what is, is real. What I'm presenting in real life.

Because jokes are jokes. Yeah, they're based in truth, but like, they're jokes. So yeah, it's a very, I would die if someone did that. Someone consumed my content in between. Oh, yeah, it was. I was like, what?

I thought I like went out of my body for a minute. I was like, what's going on? Am I hallucinating that I'm on stage right now? I did not understand why he was saying my jokes back to me. But OK, so so one of them you, you might not want to talk about it because they might listen to this. Yeah. Have you done Raya?

That's a question I have for you. Yes, I'm finally on Raya. You're finally approved to be with the elite Hollywood people. You better believe it's been terrible. I matched with the owner of a restaurant in LA that I frequent. And he was like, oh, it's so nice to talk to you. I'm a fan.

And I was like, actually, I'm a fan of your restaurant because I Googled your name and your name, your restaurant popped up. And he was like, oh, you Googled me? And I was like, yes. And then he unmatched me. And I was like, okay. That's so, it is completely normal, I think, to Google people. But also a double standard. You know who I am.

Why can't I know who you are? I'm a fan of yours. Yes, and I'm a fan of your restaurant. It was rude. Let's see. That's really rude. So on Raya. I can't believe there's an unmatching.

I just assumed it would just be a ghosting, like of silence. No. You can like unmatch. I just assumed it would just be a ghosting of silence. No. You can unmatch. They can just unmatch you. This person said to me, yo, I'm freaking out right now. I'm an Avid Nailed It fan. And me, I thought Raya was supposed to be like, chill.

Like, we all. Yeah, like, everybody's in the biz. But I think they've opened it up a little bit. Act like you've been here before. But I said, thanks. And then he never said one other word to me. And I've said it here before. But I said, thanks. And then he never said one other word to me. And I've said it here before. I'll say it again. I don't need to know if you're a fan of mine.

I'm here to fuck. If you're not here to fuck, we're not here together. I need to know you are a fan of fucking me. I did go on a date with someone who was like a hardcore comedy fan. And it was weird because they think it's weird that I don't consume comedy. Oh. They,

because I don't really. I hardly laugh. I hardly know how to laugh anymore. Yeah, and I didn't, and I spent a lot of time trying to explain to them. I was like,

I'm not going to leave my house to go to a fucking show. That I'm not on? That I'm not on. You know, unless it's like a dear, dear friend who like, like Sashir, sure, I've not on you know unless it's like a dear dear friend who like like Sashir

sure I've gone to other states where she's performing because we're like vacation right and I'll like

go to her show or whatever and she's done the same for me but it's not like I'm not going to an improv show right

are you kidding I've seen so and I I had a hard time to be like I've seen so much comedy yes I've done so and I I had a hard time to be like I've seen so much comedy

yes I've done so much comedy now it's my job lawyers aren't doing depositions on the weekend right

for fun or probably even watching Law and Order yes like they probably don't want to watch

any of that you know what I don't want to this is also incorrect and I don't want to be reminded of work right and I was like yeah I don't really like. This is also incorrect. And I don't want to be reminded of work.

And I was like, yeah, I don't really like watch sitcoms or anything. And they were like, what? Why? And I was like, I don't know. I know everyone. Right, right, right. It's like you interact with people. And then sometimes you'll audition for a part. And then you'll watch it.

And you're like, this didn't make me feel good. Because I could have done that and i could be cashing the check and getting residuals so it's yeah i and then it would just be weird because they would want to talk about comedy that they've consumed and i'm like i don't know yeah i'm like i truly don't know and then they asked me they were like so like did you have fun shooting today and i was like no and they were like what do And I was like, here's the day of an actor. You're so excited to go to work. You can't wait to get to that set.

You get to that set. You go through hair and makeup. You do the scene a couple of times. And then they do so much coverage that you want to kill yourself because you're like, you're not going to use all of this. Right. You won't. I promise.

You won't. And half the time, there's also a four hour waiting period after hair and makeup before you do shit. We're just like in your trailer. Right. You won't, I promise. You won't. And half the time there's also a four hour waiting period after hair and makeup before you do shit. We're just like in your trailer. Yeah. I was like,

acting truly, I don't know, other people may disagree, but it's the excitement of getting there. You get there, you shoot for a little bit and then you're like,

now when do I go home? Yeah. And then you get to go home and you get so excited to go home. And then you do the whole- That you get so excited to go home. And then you do the whole. That's a rap on Nicole Byer. And you're like, yeah!

The sweetest words. You're like, I go home, I go home, I go home. And then you go, I can't wait to go back tomorrow. Yeah. I love my job. I'm so blessed. Yeah. And like, I do.

I love what I do. I love it so much. But that, for me, is the cycle. Yeah. Because it is a lot of sitting and waiting. It's so much. I think people would be so surprised. You never invite someone to a set.

You would be so upset. You'd be like, okay, so it's happening. Okay, and now it's done. And then, like, I don't know. Do you really want to watch actors stumble through lines? Right, right. And do it five or six times until they get it right. Yeah.

And then an AG babysit them and go, guys, do you want to run lines? And you're like, this is her saying, we're going to be here all night if we don't figure this fucking scene out. I mean, yeah, I totally know what you're talking about. It is so much waiting and boredom. And it's weird to date someone who still thinks it's magical. Right. Well, I was going to say, like, a lot of people that I know that are comedians that are in like successful relationships and I do know some that are wait hold on did I take a break and we're back sorry I interrupted you I was just gonna say I feel like a lot of the comedians that

are in successful relationships sometimes they're in relationships with people that are like sort of adjacent to the world but not part like, oh, he's a producer or like she is an editor. So it's like they get it. They're not starstruck by any of it. But they also don't do it so there's not that weird like competitive stuff. Do you think you and Jared get competitive? What we always say about both being comics is like that it creates and solves a bunch of problems like i'm never like where are you why aren't you hanging out with me every night like if he's at shows yeah like i'm at

sets like that's fine we chat we we can sometimes travel together doing stand-up but then yeah other times it's been like well why did you get booked on that show and I didn't? You know, or like or like he tries to tell me the way it's gone for him. And I'm like, it's just not going the same way for me. Like, yeah. And it's going to be like, you know, and it's like, well, in my experience, you know. So, yeah, like we get into little things about it. But I wouldn't say he's always he's I think literally five years ahead of me in stand up. So I'm always just like, yeah, you've been at it longer than me, whatever.

But yeah, we definitely have fought about it and had little competitive things. Like, I've come home and he's been like, how do I get booked on that? I'm like, you have a half-hour special, bitch. Like, back off. It's like an L.A. show I got booked on and you didn't get booked on.

It's like, chill the fuck out. So yeah. Yeah, I think I want to date, like, a comic or someone in the business. But then also I'm like, wouldn't it be nice to just, like, talk about something else? Yeah. Do you ever try to, like, rewrite each other's jokes? No, but we will give each other little notes and stuff. I'll be like, I think you should skip this part.

It's taking you too long to get to it or whatever. But never like a rewrite or like, here's how you're fucking that joke up or whatever, you know? Yeah, we give each other like little things. But yeah. But it's so, I don't know. I never know whether to like recommend people do that because really all I did was date Jared and that's it. Like I really didn't like fuck around in the comedy community a lot before I like't know. I never know whether to like recommend people do that because really all I did was date Jared and that's it.

Like I really didn't like fuck around in the comedy community a lot before I like found him. You know what I mean? It's a little hard to fuck around in the community. One, because my or like our tier of people were just getting older and a lot of them are taken. So like it's like do I date, not down, but like date younger. Right, but date somebody new and i know some comics women too who are dating like younger male comics and i'm always like how how is that going work like because i do think i do think it takes a really specific guy to like not be

threatened by the fact that you're like a headliner and you're doing all this stuff that they want to get up to but that also they're not that you don't feel like they're using you in any way. I mean, even if they are like, I mean, they probably love you, they're attracted to you, but like, are they also like, but on top of that, you can take me on the road with you

and blah, blah, blah, you know? And that's a thing to worry about. Yeah. I went on a date with a dude who was like, yeah, I'm trying to like get into comedy, but I don't know. And I was like, oh man, I wish you into comedy but I don't know and I was like oh man I wish you had a picture of yourself on an improv stage

so I could have swiped absolutely not but like he was just like picking my brain and I was like this isn't a networking thing this sucks and then he got kind of drunk and then just like he was like well yeah

you don't even know anymore because you don't try. You don't have to cut open mics. And I was like, no, I don't. And he was like, but like, how do I get on open mics? And I was like, I don't know, man. I don't know. Yeah. Yes.

I mean, I did comedy such a roundabout where I got into stand up in a backwards way. Yeah, and everybody's road to it is very different. Yes, and I was like, there's no clear path to things. How do I get on open mics is a sad question, though. Hang out, submit. Literally go to a website that lists all the mics and go and have your soul crushed week after week. That's what it is. And I went on another date.

I've been dating up a storm. I love it. That's great. And it has been good and bad. But I went on a date with a guy. This was two weeks ago. And I have, so I treat myself to a thing. So this year, I had a good year so i added up the money i made and uh uh divided it in half

for like taxes and manager and agent and lawyer fees took that took five percent of that and i said i can spend that on goodies or two percent i don't remember it was it was not that not crazy it wasn't insane so i was like i, I'm going to buy a Gucci bag. I like Gucci. I want it. Yeah. So I bought myself a Gucci bag. It says Gucci very big on it.

Oh my God. I want to see it. You can see it from the next town over. It is a, it's Gucci. Like if the bag could make a sound, that's what it would say. I love it. They're like, this is from our understated collection. This is from the Jim Mueller ladies who don't want a single person to know the brand.

And I had it on the date and he was like, oh, well, I mean, I don't make as much money as you, Miss Gucci. And I was like, you just called me Miss Gucci? Yeah. And you're like reading me for doing okay. And I was like, if you are insecure about your money, please don't project that on me. And then also like,

I might have to sell the bag one day, you know? No, no. I don't know. Now you have to bring that bag as a litmus test on like all your dates. But it's such a bummer. I can't tell you how many people have been like, well, Gucci.

And I'm like, why? Why are you saying anything? Also, you can look up how much the bag was. It wasn't that much. Yeah. It was on the lower end of the bag. That's so weird to me because I feel like I know so many girls who are walking around with Chanel bags, Gucci bags, whatever.

And you're just like, oh, you're doing great. Good for you. Yeah. It's just the amount of times people... Also, this town is filled with people living beyond their means. Yes! Like, I see garbage people getting out of Land Rovers every

fucking day in this town. Are you kidding me? Like... Yeah! That's so... whatever. But you know what? It's what you just said. It says a lot more about them than it does about you. They are insecure on HBO Sundays. Seriously. I would never, I would be like, I don't know, I can't wait to see that.

I need you to text me a picture of that bag when you get home. Oh, I will. I will. It's also a unisex bag. I think it might be a men's bag. It's not very feminine, but I really like it. But yeah, I couldn't believe he said that. And the rest of the day, it was just trash.

He was a trash person. And I was like, you don't ever have to text me again. And he was like, but? And I was like, that's another text. You don't have to text me again. Do you remember? I guess it's totally different because we're in different phases of our life and stuff. But like, do you think it's harder in LA than it was in New York dating?

Um, abso-fucking-lutely. Yeah. Because in New York, you could just go to a bar. You're not worried about where your car's parked. You can get sloppy, shitty drunk. Right. And I'm pretty good at making friends. So I'll like make friends with a bunch of people and then leave with a dude.

Right. Here, people, I think, are way more clicky. And they're like, I have to go to sleep because, like, I have CrossFit at 6 a.m. CrossFit. And then I'm going to hike to the top of the fucking Hollywood sign. And I'm going to spin around and take Instagrams. And I got to be hydrated. Yeah. Hollywood sign and I'm gonna spin around and take Instagrams and I gotta be hydrated so I just

the culture is like hookup culture I think is different here totally I don't club so like I feel like that's how people here fuck

they like go clubbing and honestly mama thinks the music's too loud in restaurants so so I'm not going to a club right

and then when I do go to clubs it's like mickey's in west hollywood which is like no that's my kind of club and you're not gonna meet anybody there you better give me a gay man rubbing up against me saying girl you in your drink i love it it makes me very happy oh my god i love that i got this dm on the instagram she like bummed me out okay so it says, Okay, girl, you have to help me. I'm a big girl. I match with a guy on Bumble, and he's a straight-up hottie.

Like way above my batting range. Hottest guy to hit on me. We've chatted on the phone, and there's chemistry. I was married for so long, and my husband was basically asexual, so I have no self-esteem, and I only sleep with unattractive men. Girl, help me me I'm freaking and all my skinny friends all my skinny friends will just tell me that they

what they think is nice that bums me out because if he's talking to you on the phone I think he likes you I'll talk to nobody on the phone who wants to talk to anyone on the phone I who wants to talk to anyone on the phone i literally won't talk to my mother on the like i hate talking on the phone i don't talk to my

grandmother on the phone also my grandmother was just in the hospital and my cousin was giving me updates and all the updates were about how she was constipated and then i got an update where they didn't say anything about her constipation so i I just went, yeah, but like, is she still constipated? How's it going? And nobody understood it was a joke. So then I got a full text message about my grandmother shitting. And I was like, I mean, I asked for it. But then I was like, come on, guys. You know I do comedy. Why would I ever ask about my grandmother's constipation?

They're giving you like texture, frequency. Truly. I mean, I'm waiting for that to happen. Anyway. Yeah, I don't talk to anybody on the phone. Yeah. So, that sucks. And then it bums me out that she thinks that she is in a level of attractiveness that she

can't have someone that she finds attractive. Yeah. Because like, everyone's ugly to somebody. Everyone's attractive to somebody. Right. And he finds you attractive. So like everyone's ugly to somebody. Everyone's attractive to somebody. Right. And he finds you attractive. So like it's okay. Yeah, you matched.

Unless it's like she's like, unless she's like, I put up a fake picture. What do I do now? I catfish someone. If you catfish someone. If you put up a natural picture or like a good picture of yourself and that's what he matched with, he likes you. He likes you. He likes you. Don't worry about it. And it's funny because I never think about like my league or whatever until someone else says it.

Yeah. And I'm like, uh-oh, is he in my league? I don't know. I don't know. I think if a dude's fucking me, he's like, he likes what he sees. Right. I don't know. I think if a dude's fucking me, he likes what he sees.

Right. The hottest guy to me who I ever hooked up with is in New York. And I was recently reminded of this because Christy Cello posted a picture of her outside of Rudy's. Have you ever been to Rudy's? Oh, yeah. Free hot dogs? Yeah. With the fucking pig outside. And so I was very drunk in Rudy's,

met these two boys. They were brothers who were estranged, or no, there were two brothers who didn't know each other existed, met each other in New York, found out they had the same mom. I think they were half brothers.

And they were just like, we're just like hanging out and trying to get to know each other. And it's been really wild. And I was with my roommate, Jen. And I was like, I call this one. She's like, oh, he's the hot one. I was like, yeah, but he's been looking at me, so I think he wants it.

Turns out he did because he fingered me under the table. At Rudy's. And Jen was like. At Rudy's. Smell of hot dogs in the air. Smell of hot dogs and fish. Oh, my God. fish and i remember jen going what are you doing and i was like i'm not doing it and then she was like we have to get out of here so then the boys were like come back to our apartment we live super

close so then it was snowing and we were walking in the snow. And I went through a phase where I fell all the time. And I don't know if it was my shoes. Was it your 20s? Because I fell in New York constantly in my 20s. I was just drunk and wearing too high shoes at all times. That might have been it. But I remember walking and then I was on my back looking up at them and they were like are you okay and I was like yeah baby and then I made some snow angels and then they like helped me up and then we get to their apartment the toilet was in the kitchen they had adult bunk beds because they were two adults and then so we were were on the bottom bunk and we're like making out.

And was Jen making out with the other one? No, she was not attracted to him and they were just talking. And then without warning starts fingering me again. And then Jen goes, Jesus Christ. And then they left. And then he was like

I don't know if I can get hard so then I'm just like jerking off this flopper dick in this bottom bunk and then Jen is

texting me she's like are you done can you be done please be done I'm like just like do do do loop

do loop do loop over and over and over again as I'm like flopping around this little dick. And then he's like, I'll just have to fuck you with my fingers. And then he fucked me with his fingers, but I guess his nails were too long because he cut me. And I bled so much.

Oh, my God. And he's like, oh, no, your period came. And then we heard a knock at the door, and Jen was like, we are going home. And I was like, okay, bye bye. Just left a bunch of blood all over his adult bunk bed. Well, it's his fault. You can't be Freddy Krueger over there fingering people. I wish I could remember his.

Freddy Krueger. I wish I could remember his name, but I know his brother's name was Joey because he kept going, my brother, Joey. And this is one of your hottest hookups. Yeah, he was so hot. Yeah, I mean. But like a dumpster of a human. Yeah. So, girl, if you haven't met up with him, he might be trash.

One. Two. You got to know that you're beautiful because you are everybody is beautiful from the giselle looking person to the job of the hut looking person yeah everybody is beautiful do you respond to these people no no just like listen to the caracalink episode of my podcast yeah listen to the caracalink episode it would just be too much of course you can't become like a dear abby for like all your god i would legit kill myself but people do ask me a lot of questions um on instagram i'm trying to find another one and then a lot of them are just like women who are real not insecure because i

refuse to say that women are like very insecure but it's just a lot of women who are just unsure about themselves and then i like i'll post very fat very brave just ingest because people are like you're brave and to me that's funny yeah funny. Yeah. I love that series. But it really inspired me to wear a bikini in public and to just be like, fuck whatever anybody says. Yeah. And then that is just, it's nice. Yeah. I'm all about people embracing every inch of their body. Because your body, you can change.

So why be insecure about something you can change? Right. I went to Vegas in May. I took my husband to see Pink because he's a big fan. I would never have thought that. Well, letting the world know now. That's funny. He fucking loves Pink.

And I got him tickets for his birthday. We went in May. We were at the Cosmopolitan. We were at the pool. And I was noticing a lot of younger girls of all different bodies all wearing two pieces. And I was like, this is like a new movement, it feels like.

Because I feel like when I would come to Vegas, like, a few years ago and go to the pool, it would be a lot of, you know, hot-ass babes in bikinis. And now it's like, you know, you're typical. Everyone's hot in a bikini. But, like, you know, now it's like I was seeing all these girls. I was like, I love this. And everybody seemed very confident.

All the girls I was seeing. And I was like, I think this is a new movement. And I really like it. I also think it's a new movement. And it makes me supes happy. Do you wear bikinis? Yeah. Yeah, baby.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. How was the pink show? It was really good. She's good. She twirls and stuff. Yeah, she does like aerial stuff. We saw it in like Vegas in a big stadium like where like their hockey team plays. So it's big.

And you're like around a lot of women from Vegas with like John and Kate plus eight haircut. You know what I mean? Oh, yes. Well, I mean a lot of them honestly have pinks haircut even though they're like in their 50s and 60s. We were like, there's a lot of pinks around here. I love it. But it was, so I think normally we prefer like a slightly smaller venue for a concert, but it was really fun. She's great.

We went and saw Mariah Carey and Lionel Richie. We did. That was such a good concert. It was very fun. I want to go to another concert with you. I just need to pick the venue that I can get a box at because Nicole will only do a box. I just, once you go box, you can't go back. I know.

It's hard to go back. We literally just did Lauryn Hill. And it was like me and Eliza and a couple of the other girls. And we were up in the crappy seats. I didn't want to pay a lot. And it's not as good. It's definitely not as good. It's not as fun. We had a waitress in our box. We had a waitress. I think I didn't want to pay a lot. And it's not as good. It's definitely not as good. It's not as fun.

We had a waitress in our box. We had a waitress. I think we each had a bottle of Rose. Yes. I was real drunk. And I got into a fight with that woman next to me who was like, I'm deaf in this ear. And all I can hear out of my good ear is you. And I said, bitch, move your seat.

Yeah. It's a box. Move around. That was quite insane to me. She was so rude. There is always some persnickety-ass old person at the Hollywood Bowl, though. When I went to go see Paul Simon there,

again, not in a box, in regular people's seats. Who's Paul Simon? Paul Simon. You know, me and Julio down by the schoolyard. He's like an old man. Simon and Garfunkel. It's white people music.

Me and Julio down by the schoolyard. How does that go? I don't know that song. Me and Julio down by the schoolyard you ever heard or he sings you can call me out call me out what were he and julio doing is it a good is it okay song i feel like i'm talking to an alien who's never heard of but like is julio okay yeah i think him and julio were um really hooking up no no i think they were school like scrapping and fighting or something oh no with other people i think julio's

a friend oh so julio's his friend julio's his friend but maybe it's a special friend who knows so wait so this song me and julio Down by the Schoolyard, is about a white man and his Hispanic heritage friend fighting for him? I'm trying to think of the words to this song. It's like, no, I don't know what it's about. I have no idea what it's about. That's a great question. We got to get to the etymology of that song. But anyway, he's an old rocker.

It's like Americana music. And that song came on me and Julio, and it's one of the big ones. And so me and I was there with another comic and his girlfriend. Me and the girlfriend jumped up, and she knocked my rosé out of my hand. When I say that there was a spittle left, there was a sip left, it spilled on this fucking 55-year-old dude on a date with some woman in front of me. They acted like I hosed them down with fucking butter or something. It was insane. With butter?

They freaked out. They were like, do you have any more napkins? And I was like, oh my God. It was a sip of rosé. It's not even going to stain. You're being crazy. Oh my God. I'm just saying, there's always

some kind of persnickety old rich dick at the Hollywood Bowl trying to get people like us to shut up. Young people. Will not have it. Comedians. Loud bitches. I mean, I guess I was a little loud. You were no

louder than me or the other girls you were with. You were not. I felt like she was a white woman policing my black tone. I was also just closest to her. I'm sure she would have said the same thing to you. You were physically the closest to her, but it was also like, I would never in a million years tell someone at a concert to lower their voice. Right? It's a concert.

Never. Like, crazy. I have trouble at concerts. I may have told this story when Mateo was on the podcast, but whatever. I'll tell it again. You haven't heard it. So I went and saw Cher. I love Cher.

Wait, I'm dying to go. I'm planning to go in Vegas. Go. It is a great show. She puts on the show of your life. Honestly, it is just the farewell tour that she's been doing for a hundred years. For 20 years, yeah. But when she enters a stage i won't tell

you how she does it i cried like tears streaming down my face and so she was like really i was like i can't help it i don't know this is like this is my jesus coming back from the dead even though she's never been dead so and before the concert started i asked asked the usher, I said, if nobody sits in the seats closest to the stage, can we sit there? Which is nice. Nice that I asked and didn't just move. She goes, no. You just stay in your ticketed seat. I said, oh, well, how would you know if I moved?

She's like, oh, I'll know. And I was like, oh, shit. I guess this woman's going to stare at me the whole concert? So at the end of the show, Cher does her encore, which we deserved because we were allowed for her. And she's like me and 10,000 gay men being like, you better serve us more! And so she comes out,

I think Believe is the encore, and everyone starts rushing to the stage because she starts like giving high fives to people and like touching people's hands and like posing for pictures so people can get like good pictures of her because she is a gorgeous, generous goddess. And I was like, this is my chance. I get to like touch her. So then, and I don't fangirl. She's the only person I've ever like been like this with. Oh, my God.

So unless I saw Tina Turner, I'd lose my mind. So then I like start rushing to the, to the aisle to get up there. So she are just like with Sombai. And so she're like, doesn't like share the way I do. And then the usher is in front of me. And I was like,

Oh, um, what? She was like, you have to go back to your ticketed seat. And as people are rushing around us and I said, but everyone else, she's like,

you have to go back to your ticketed seat oh my god and I was like I'm filled with rage oh my god and I almost started crying sad tears because I was like this woman is literally stopping my dream

yes and I'm a big believer that like only you stop your dreams but this is the person no like actually stopping my dreams so then after the concert I was fuming

and so she was like I got great pictures. And I was like, I can't talk to you right now. And then as we were leaving, I threw the rest of my vodka soda on her. And I said, you're a fucking cunt. And then Sashir pulled me away. She's like, we will not get banned from this venue. Oh, my God.

I'm always fighting with people. That is so, the encore? Who needs to be in their ticketed seat during the encore? I was so upset. No one's coming late during the encore, bitch. No, it's done.

So then I was like, I guess I just have to see Cher again. But I'm gonna see Celine Dion first. I have to see Celine Dion. I wanna see Celine too, but she's doing

this Vegas show and also doing all these new ABBA songs, which I love. I just listened to her new album of the ABBA songs and I love it. So just listened to her new album of the ABBA songs. And I love it. So I really need to go see her.

And I think I'm going in November. Where is she? Caesars? No. She, Monte Carlo is where she was. She may have moved. That's where Cher is. She's basically doing it Wednesday, Friday, Saturday for three weeks in a row, starting

on Halloween, and then doing the first three weeks of November. I love it. Such a weird sketch. She's old. She's like, Thursday, I get the blood of a virgin. And then I'm good to go for a couple shows, and then I need to sleep. I love her on Twitter. I love her in general.

She on Twitter is almost as if she doesn't know what Twitter is, but she's like, but I'll figure it out one day. But she's been on for so long. So long. And nothing is clicking. All caps and. Multiple commas in a row. My favorite is she'll like tweet a period. And I'm like, are you okay?

But it's like she's 71 years old. She says in her show, she's like, I'm 71 and I can plank for five minutes. And we're all like, yay! Do it! Do it! Do it! I would literally scream for five minutes straight if I watched Cher plank for five minutes. I would lose my fucking mind.

Oh my God. So when I was a kid, I'm one of six kids. Ew! I know. I'm kidding. So many kids. But my mom and dad both worked. So we had babysitters from Ireland who lived with us.

They were like teenagers or in their early twenties. Oh, you had au pairs. Au pairs. Yeah. Which sounds a lot fucking fancier than it is because really you pay a couple kids $200 a week in spending money and then you pay for them to live and pay for them to eat and give them a car when they need like, so it's really, I think people think that I'm being fancy and I'm like, Oh no, I think we had slaves

from Ireland. But they were, we're so close with them. One came to my wedding. So you're the story when people are like, you know the Irish had it bad? There you go.

That's me. That's me. They had to come and nanny for a family of six fucking kids. But we're still very close with them. One came to my wedding all the way from Ireland. We love them.

But she went to see Cher when I was like eight she went to see Cher and I remember her getting the photos developed at a photo place and showing me all the costume changes that Cher did and I was like one day I will see Cher in concert I remember being like I can't believe how many times she changes clothes like and all the lights and like I was like and this was in probably 1989 or something or 88 i was like i can't wait to see her and now it's like a billion years later and i really really i'm gonna go do it you got to it's a great show i want to see celine too i want to see celine so there's a lot we might so sure and i might go in i won't tell you on the podcast when i'll tell you i might be in i'm literally down to to go to Vegas for almost any reason.

Truly. It's a 45-minute flight. Who knew? Who knew? I love it so much for 48 hours and then I'm like, get me home right now. I'm the same way. I can't spend more than two days there. Yeah.

Because then you see like the sadness of Vegas. Oh, the first time I ever went to Vegas I was there for nine days for work. Ew. And it was, I started to go crazy. Like I didn't see the sun for like a couple of days

in a row and was like, I'm going crazy. The worst thing I ever saw was this woman, because you can have an open container,

she was carrying around this like big slushie that was obviously alcoholic because she was shuffling and slurring, two kids with her, and her kid was like, Mommy, can I have some? And she's like, this is not for you. And they were like in a CVS and she was shuffling and slurring two kids with her and her kid was like mommy can i have some and she's like this is not for you and they were like in a cvs and she was

literally walking in circles and i was like this drunk woman with her snotty nose kids shouldn't be in vegas go home go anywhere else well that's the weird thing about vegas that they've been trying to do for the past like 10 years is like make it for kids make it for families and i'm always like gambling when I'm at the pool at a hotel and I'm like, and the kids are splashing around while there's people making out fucked up, like downing piña coladas, I'm like, this isn't what I would choose to do

with my kid. No, so sorry. I'd be like, let's, I don't know, go to Palm Springs. Even Palm Springs, that's not for you. No, that's for old people and leisurely ladies. What's the worst date you've ever been on? Oh, my God. That's such a good question.

I would probably say that guy I was just talking about. I met this guy on eHarmony. I thought he was so cool and funny. And he was making jokes about the Golden Girls and shit. And I was like, I like this guy this is gonna go great we met up he lived in Long Island which I did not know not willing to do that

he was a lawyer so I was like okay but then it was like he was so boring he wouldn't look me in the eye he took me to a bar by Penn Station where we had one beer and then I go I really and if anybody knew me in my 20s I never just had one beer and then I go, I really, and if anybody knew me in my 20s,

I never just had one beer. So like, I literally. I know you now, Karen, and you just don't have one beer. I know.

And I was like, I was like, I think I have to be up so early for work tomorrow. And by that, I mean like I nanny at three o'clock. So like,

I just was like, I got to get the fuck out of here. And it was like, we had one of those goodbye hugs at the subway that's like I will never see you again hug you know what I mean but I gotta say Jared's the first serious boyfriend I ever had and we got married and I only dated I literally only started getting serious about dating when I was around 27 and I met Jared when

I was 30 so it's like I really didn't date for that much. I don't have a lot of good experience dating. I hooked up a million. I mean, I hooked up like a crazy person. I just didn't go on like a lot of formal dates or do a lot of boyfriends or anything. I have also hooked up a bunch. You know, you get drunk in New York and you make out with an old man in front of a Wells Fargo.

You have those nights. I met up with a professional poker player one time because he brought me back with the promise of showing me a puppy. I don't like dogs. I don't even care about dogs. It takes very little. I do like your dogs. Thank you. They're so awful.

I do like your dogs. They're cute, though. They're so bad. They're small and fluffy. They are small and fluffy. He was like, I have a tiny puppy at my house. I was like, okay. Whatever.

You could have just said, I have a taco at my house and it's old. Do you want to come over and look at it? Sure, I'll do it. I have very limited experiences with like actual relationships. I was in a relationship on and off for three years where I'm probably the only person who would call it a relationship. I don't even know if he would call it that. And then I feel like a lot of men like me for two weeks and then they're like, oh, no, thank you. Bye bye.

I don't know what it is about me that makes people want to check out so fast. I feel like it's your confidence and your big personality. And that's what I used to think about myself, too. I'd be like, I know, but like, I don't know. I felt like I's your confidence and your big personality and that's what I used to think about myself too. I'd be like, I don't know. I felt like I scared guys away all the time. And then of all people, Jared Logan was like, I'm willing to take this for a spin.

You guys compliment each other so well. That's what a lot of people say. I think that's pretty true. And you more than him. You're better than him. You're the best. You're the best one in the relationship. You're the one I like the best. I win. I win the relation.

No, but it is nice when I have, I think you're a strong, confident, opinionated woman who's smart and funny. And it's nice to know that you found someone who isn't like a boring, sad man. Yeah. Who like is just like, I'm quiet and I'll just worship her. It's nice that like you are with someone who's like equally as boisterous and fun and it doesn't when I see you guys together

it doesn't seem like an uneven competition like who's the funniest in the room. It's so nice. That's nice. Thank you for saying that. I think that's what we try to do. You're giving me hope. They're out there. The nice guys are out there. I think that's what we try to do. Carrot cluck cluck cluck clank. You're giving me hope. They're out there. The nice guys are out there.

I just got to find one. Well, we do have to wrap this up. Do you have something you want to plug? I have an album coming out at the end of the year. It's called Undefeated. It's on a special thing, records. It's not out yet. I'll let you know. We're unclear. We're just getting the artwork, so I'm not positive when it's coming out, but you can check my Twitter,

which is just K-A-R-A-K-L-E-N-K. And I'll obviously be plugging it there. And then I have a show called If You Build It at UCB Sunset every Monday that once in a while you can catch Nicole Byer on it. It's at 1030? 830.

Isn't it 1030 in New York? No, it's at 730 in New York. I wonder. But you know what? 730. No, I was going to say 730. 1030 in New York is 730 in LA, but that's still wrong. Yeah, that's wrong.

Thank you for trying to help me. That's the mark of a true friend. I'm's wrong. Thank you for trying to help me. That's the mark of a true friend. I'm just wrong. But If You Build It is at UCB Sunset, 830 on Mondays. Every Monday. Yeah. It's a great show. Kara gets great people on it.

Also, Kara's a real delight. So if you get a chance to see her in person, you bitches are lucky. Thank you, Nicole. And if you like, you're welcome. If you like this episode of Why Won't You Dive In, please like it, rate it, subscribe it on iTunes. I don't, wherever. Wherever you get your pods.

I'm fucking this up. But yeah, like it, give it five stars. If you write a review, I will read it aloud. A nasty review. I guess I need to clarify that it has to be nasty. So I got this. This was a DM on Instagram. It wasn't a review, but I'm going to read it anyway.

It says, I want to jizz so much in your butthole that it inflates like a pool floaty. We can eat mountains of sourdough jacks I don't know what those are, naked in your pool while I bang your puss with otter pops, which I think is food and would probably just give me a yeast infection.

What? And chilled boozy snacks. We can end our afternoon pool party by licking Jack Daniels off your tiny tits. now caller why didn't you have the why didn't you have the brains to put that on itunes that belongs on itunes where the world can see it if you i think you listen to the podcast because i ask for these insane things please put it on on iTunes so the rest of the world can see it and not just in a DM. But also, thank you so much for using factual information about me in that because I do have tiny tits.

I think your tits are regular size. They're a B cup. They're very small. I once had a bra fitting where the lady tried to give me a double D. I said, ma'am, I am not a double D. Then she was like, a triple D. And I said, bitch, no. Let's go down to a B

or an A. I actually might be an A. No, I'm looking at your boobs right now. But then, well, yeah, but cups and like band size. So like, I'm a 44 and a triple D or a double D is huge. So I'm a 44B or a 42B or a 42C,

whatever the make and model of the bra depends on how it fits me. And the lady goes, let me see your boobies. And I showed them to her and she went, ah, wide back, tiny boobies. And she said this at more than full volume

that the two people in either fitting room next to me started laughing at me. And I was like, this is a living nightmare. This is the full definition of a living nightmare. I was about to say wide back tiny boobies would make a good album title. But I don't want to bring up a nightmare in your life. If I ever talk about it in stage and it's in a special, that is a good name for it, and I'm going to write it down. But just the way you say it, wide back, tiny boobies.

Tiny boobies. And she had, I wish I could do her face. It was like the Grinch, you know how the smile creeps up? Oh, yes. Her smile crept up as she said that, and I felt the joy radiating from her body as she told this woman in the most vulnerable, I was naked,

and this woman staring at my breasts as she told me I had a wide back and tiny, tiny boobies. Oh, my God. Ugh, that will stay with me forever. Kara, thank you so much for being here. What a treat, what a treat! Thank you, Nicole! This has been a Team Coco production.