Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Kidnapped and On the Run (w/ Aida Rodriguez)

Episode Date: November 19, 2021

Comedian Aida Rodriguez was kidnapped twice as a child.  She describes her time on the run with a murderer, and how she uses her stand-up comedy to process her traumas. They also discuss dating red flags to look out for, Nicole's love for a serial killer, plus a story from a listener who dated a sock-sniffing Trump supporter. Crazy dating story? Looking for advice? Let Nicole and her guest help you out. Submit your stories or questions to [e-mail] for a chance to have it answered on-air. Black Lives Matter. Click here for a list of over 100 different ways you can support racial justice. Follow Nicole Byer: Tour Dates: linktr.ee/nicolebyerwastakenTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerNew Merch Store! podswag.com/datemeNicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me, a podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single, even though you could buy me a shirt, wrap it up as a present, and then when I open it, you snatch it back and go, you dum-dum, I would never give you a gift. My guest today is a comedian and actress who was featured on Tiffany Haddish's,

oh my God, They Ready stand-up series. Her new stand-up special, Fighting Words, just premiered on HBO Max. It's Ida Rodriguez. Hey. Thank you so much for doing this. I'm glad to be here. I was trying to get here before and then life happened. But thank you for having me. Oh, yes. No worries. I feel like that's just a catch all for a lot of shit that is just like, well, life just happened. Oh, my gosh. So much stuff has happened. You know, I broke up. I had a breakup. Oh, you did. Yeah. I broke my wrist and my elbow. Oh, no. There was so much stuff that has happened like in the Yeah, I broke my wrist and my elbow. Oh, no.

There was so much stuff that has happened, like, in the last, since the last time you and I talked. It's just been, like, a lot. How did you break your wrist and your elbow? I fell on black ice in Canada. I was in Edmonton. Oh, no. And Canada's known for being so nice. And it fucking broke you apart. Oh, man.

So you had a breakup. So you're single? I am single right now. Okay. May I ask how long you were dating that person? We dated for four years. Oh, wow. Wow. I've truly never been in a relationship before. So four years sounds like a full blown eternity to me. Never. Not one relationship. No, not not like we are together and we love each other and we call each other every day. And you're my boyfriend. I'm your girlfriend or whatever. No. you're my boyfriend, I'm your girlfriend or whatever. No. You know, it's funny. More and more, I meet people who haven't been in like traditional relationships.

They all seem happier. They seem a little freer, like not walking around with someone else's baggage. I kind of think that's cool. Yeah. I mean, I've never had to like check in with somebody before going somewhere it was like jail you know especially coming me coming from like my mom was a very strict puerto rican mom so she was she was very controlling and now my daughter accuses me of being bad to her but my mom was very controlling, very demanding and just really, really hard on me. So getting into a relationship where someone was like, you didn't call me when you got there.

It would trigger me because it reminded me so much of that strict Puerto Rican. I do do a thing. I guess it's from my mother. Whenever someone leaves my home late,'m always like please text me when you get home so i know that you're not dead i don't know what i think is gonna happen on the way home but i'm like please just let me know that you didn't die leaving my home i do that too though that's nice though does it it feels good when somebody says that to you right when you're like oh they care it is nice when people care because I feel like the world is just filled with a bunch of fucking people who don't give a shit about you. And it's kind of depressing to think about.

Can I ask you a question? Sure. So you were kidnapped twice? Yeah. Talk about bad relationships. My mother kidnapped me from my dad. She took me from my dad. My mom was 15 when she met my father he was 27

so you know that old school pedophilia is what I call it he gets mad when I say that but um yeah they were he was she was really young and anyway the the relationship wasn't working out she felt um like she was being mistreated so in the middle of the night she broke out She felt like she was being mistreated. So in the middle of the night, she broke out with me and she got back to me. She came to the back to the United States. We were in the Dominican Republic and she took me from him. And then my grandmother took me from my mom. My mom was on the run for the murderer who was on the FBI's most wanted list.

What? I knew that would wake you up. He was, uh, it was, he was wanted for murder. He was on the list, most wanted list. And we were on the run with him. And so my grandmother did some research. She was fine trying to find me and she found me, she found out where I was and I was with a babysitter. And when my mom went out, my grandmother came. She threatened the babysitter and took me, cut my hair off, flew me across state lines to Florida and kept me until that killer went to jail and my mom came home. I mean, have you written this down? I feel like that is truly a movie right there uh it's like the sequel

to enough have you ever seen that movie with j-lo she's like i gotta get very strong and murder this man that's fucking wild yeah it's true it's true and you know i never really thought about it i dug it was so deep down through therapy i I started understanding like my trauma and I never really I just I'm so used to just keep going, keep going. And when I wrote about it for They Ready, I was like, it really made me sad because I had never done those jokes before They Ready. And I haven't done them since. I was just like I retired the jokes for that set I was just like okay I got it out I processed it I worked it out this way now I'll leave it alone and I feel like that's another form of therapy it's like you unpack it in therapy you write the jokes about it

you perform it people laugh they identify they say whatever they feel to you and you're like okay goodbye yep absolutely it's it yeah comedy there has been very cathartic for me I just think you know for us to get on stage you know this we got to be some level of crazy right we go on stage and we're like laugh at me come relate to me validate me like it, there's something already there that is unique in the way that we think. But just to be able to work through some of the stuff on stage has been very healing for me.

Because when I find out, you know how many people DM'd me and said, I got kidnapped too by a family member. Because when you tell people that you've been kidnapped, they say, but then when you say it was a family member, they're like, ah, that's not a real kidnap. You're like, no, no, it is. It is real.

I went fucking through it. Yeah, it's traumatic. And then, you know, to be without your mother for a year when you're four or five years old, you're like, all you want is your mother. Even if you're on the run, even if you're like Malcolm X on the window holding the gun like you want to be with your mom. And so, yeah, it was very traumatic. And I'm sure that has a lot to do with my abandonment issues. You know, I'm not a licensed therapist, but I would say, yeah, absolutely. How did you get like how did you start doing comedy? Spencer talked me into it. He talked me into going to an open mic, the Westwood Brewing Company, because he was like, I know you're a comic.

He was like, he said, I've been able to identify them all when I see him. I see him. He was like, just try it and see how you feel. And I did. You know, it was when I did chocolate Sundays, I went and did their first impression show, like their amateur night and I bombed. And that was the night when I was like, Oh, I want to do this. Like, I want to figure this out. Not what I did. I did well. Like I went on stage before that and I did well. It was when I bombed that I was like, Oh, I want to figure this out. Cause I want people to be laughing with me, not at me. And I realized like that was what was happening. And so and I never stopped. Bombs are interesting because every time the first time I bombed, I was like, oh, no, I never want that to happen again.

And then I watched a comic, Kevin Barnett, bomb in front of me and Jermaine Fowler. And Jermaine hadowler and Jermaine had the best time watching him bomb. And I was like, Oh, it is kind of funny to like, try to figure out why you're bombing and then just kind of like, enjoy the bomb.

So now I'm just like, when I'm bombing, I'm like, I'll just call it out. I'll be like, you guys hate me and I have time to fill. Let's see if we can get y'all on board. And if not, I don't know.

I guess I'll have fun up here. Yeah, that really does feel. And it's fun. Funny sometimes when you're bombing. I know I've had this epiphany on stage where I'm like, oh, they really not fucking with me. And it just makes me laugh. I'm like, oh, shit. They don't. They do not like me okay

they actually hate me and I've revealed nothing truly intimate intimate about myself I've done nothing to them but they are just as a collective or sitting there being like fuck you bitch and you're like okay yes I've experienced that it's funny to me it makes me laugh I used to I remember uh I don't know if you've experienced this before when I was newer in comedy and I was about to bomb I would get this like hot feeling inside of me like feel it coming and it's just this burning inside and you're like you feel so vulnerable you feel naked you're on stage it's like everybody's in on this thing and and not you and I remember one day I was at the improv and the audience hated

me and I was like huh so the laws of attraction are true real there are times when 50 assholes show up at the same place at the same time and then I was like oh I just got mad at my feelings were hurt because I was I was like I just went in on the audience sometimes you just gotta fucking do that I um uh so I the first time I got on stage after doing my special I got that hot feeling because I was like well I'm gonna do old stuff there's no point in doing the or I'm gonna do new stuff because there's no point in doing the old stuff because people will see that soon I have to get ready for when I start doing dates again after the thing fucking comes out and I was just so hot and I was like I'm gonna bomb I'm gonna like this is gonna be so bad I didn't flesh anything out I spent all day procrastinating oh fuck fuck fuck fuck and then

I had my little bullet points. And then it just it went fine. Like, I was so fucking nervous. There was a couple of parts where they were like, no, I was like, I hear you loud and fucking clear. I will work this out. That's the best. You know, that's where I am now.

Right. I started writing. I wrote my first joke the day that I taped my special. I went back to my room and I wrote my first post special joke because I was like, oh, it's over. You got it. When they come see you, they're going to know these jokes and they're going to be like, what you got now? Yeah. And then I started panicking and then I like to write on stage. Then I realized as I was going back to doing standup that I had more things to talk about. I don't like, I had this fear.

Like I had this allotment of jokes and they've all run out and I'm like, and then I realized, Oh, you'll write these just as you wrote the others. Like, you know, but it was just, I was like, Oh shit. They don't want to hear that anymore, but they do sometimes. Cause they're like, they're like, can you do the joke about your grandmother that's when you know you fucking hit it when people are requesting your jokes but just you know we want to move forward and pass them but at the same time when you don't feel like you have anything you're like yep what about uh what about this yeah yeah you okay with this um i have a question do you did

you have you ever encountered chuckle fuckers i love asking comics this male comics are always like yes and i feel like uh female comics are always like no i have i yeah i think it's newer like it's been like in the last maybe four or five years where I've met men who really and it's really hyper confident men that don't have a problem with a woman being funny. You know, like I think you're funny. I think you busted their balls. Like I've met some men that are really into and women, too, like that have been like, I really like your strength on stage and you want to go for a drink so yeah I've met some oh this gives me hope maybe I'll find someone I go back on the road would you date a chuckle fucker I don't know if I would date one but I definitely would fuck one

I feel like dating a chuckle fucker is a little like hmm unless you are interesting what do you want from me do you just want like the the deets the ins and outs of this are you trying to figure out who i know or whatever uh like i don't know if it's real if it's real then sure but if it's uh like a beneficial thing for them no you know it's uh yeah i don't the dream has a song called Ghetto, right? And in the song, he says he's talking, I think he's talking about Christina Milian because that's who he was dating when he wrote the song. But it was like he said something about when I'm fucking you, it feels like I'm fucking one of my fans. But the song is like the song sounds so good. And when he's singing, I'm thinking to myself, like, have I ever felt that before? And then I'm like, definitely have felt that before. Like it was kind of strange when someone has this adoration and admiration for you. And you're like, should I abuse this?

I've yet to encounter that, but I'm waiting. yet to encounter that but i'm waiting so in your special you film parts of it in puerto rico and the dominican republic right right so what was the what was the the like the decision to do that because it's a little bit of like a travel documentary yeah i decided to do a doc um first and foremost i feel like uh latin like Latinx people are invisible. There's not a lot of visibility in media. So it's a sacrifice, a part of the stand-up. I don't want to interweave it because I'm a purist. So I just wanted to do the stand-up.

But I just want to show the diversity that lives in the Dominican Republic. That we have Black people, we have Asian people, Indigenous people. I wanted to show it in a different light. I wanted to meet my father. I wanted to talk about it in my specials. So I wanted people to see how I mind my jokes. So I wanted them to see how it showed up in the special, that experience that I was having.

And I also wanted to document re-meeting my father because while it was happening, it was having. And I also wanted to document, um, re-meeting my father because while it was happening, it was happening. And I wanted to see what it looked like from just to see into it and study my body language. And I wanted to normalize it and make people who have had that same experience, um, that feel ashamed about it to know that they're not alone and you know it's all good let's go that's why we got dating issues this is why it happens right get it at the source so you you have a kid and you talk about her oh you have two I thought you only had one a boy and a girl my daughter loves you because my daughter is yeah I've met your daughter I guess that's why I thought you only had one I was like well I met the daughter so that is it yeah I've met your daughter. I guess that's why I thought you only had one. I was like, well, I met the daughter. So that is it.

Yeah, both. You talk about so. Oh, do you. So you talk about both of them on stage, right? Mm hmm. Do they have have they ever been like, hey, mom? No, too far. No.

You know, I clear it with them before I do it. My daughter did feel some type of way about a joke that I had when she, that she told me that she hated me. And I said, I'm so glad you, I'm so glad you said it first, but you know, we, we've talked about it and they know that, you know, some of, some of the jokes are an exaggeration to make a point, but we've, I've cleared every joke that I've made about any family member because i don't want to get sued yeah wait can you sue someone based on a joke yeah um i mean i believe george lopez was sued by family members i think his grandma wow i think his grandmother sued him

yeah i'm not sure but i do love it. She's old and petty. She's like, don't you dare talk about me in my last years of life. I know way. No, how I love that. You just said she's petty. I feel it as a petty fucking thing. It's like, oh, look at my grandson shine. Fuck you.

You're talking about me. Get out of here. Yeah, she's she sued him okay real quick we gotta take a break and oh we're back okay so i have an email address for people to submit comments crazy dating stories advice for me people who are seeking advice slash questions and then dirty reviews that i read at the end of the podcast um the email is why won't you date me podcast at gmail.com and i'm going to read one right now okay so this person wrote this one's a little long, but I'm going to speed through it.

Okay. So this is the time I accidentally dated a snuff, a sock sniffing Trump supporter. I started seeing this guy after he just moved to the city. He was from the middle of nowhere, kind of dopey, but I thought it was charming. You know,

the first time we were hooking up, I was on top and kind of without thinking, put his dick in and he wasn't ready for that. I stopped. He told me that him and his longtime ex had never had sex and they did a lot of other stuff because they were super christian so i essentially stole his pussy virginity and i felt horrible okay good good news is he was okay with it and immediately asked me if i wanted to try ass play instead so we hung out a few times i should have known something was wrong with him when he texted me that i farted in my sleep, but he thought it was kind of attractive. And then confessed to smelling my socks.

The final nail in the coffin was I was talking about the 2016 election and I was likely disparaging the orange one, but he made a Hillary would have been a worse comment. So I decided that we wouldn't keep seeing each other. The whole thing lasted about two weeks. What an interesting story. Yeah, it's disturbing. It is funny. Yeah. I, I don't know if I would feel good about someone. I don't want to like, you know, shame anybody for their kink, but like socks don't smell great. You know,

I think, um, there's something creepy about someone doing anything to you while you're sleeping. For me, there's this like a necrophilia vibe to it. It feels a little strange that when you're sleeping, somebody sniffing your socks or smelling your farts. And I don't know, I would be worried about someone who confessed to doing those things. Yeah. I'm not on board with that. I, okay. I think it was like, oh, don't sniff my socks. Like just even in front of me. But I think it is weirder to do while you're sleeping because I think sleeping is when you're the most vulnerable. Facts. What are you doing? Why are you awake? We're supposed to be sleeping

together. Like, what are you doing sniffing around me while I'm while I'm in REMs? You know, that feels creepy. Also, like, did they go in the hamper and pull out a sock? Was a sock on the floor? Was also sleeping over and it's only been two weeks. Seems crazy. Yeah. Especially with someone who sniffs you while you're sleeping. Yeah. I feel like you got to be together for a month before someone sleeps over. Yeah, I think so too. Yeah. I just, you know, and not to shame anyone because everybody does their own thing. I just, I'm too paranoid personally. I feel like I, and I read too much on the internet about what's happening in the world and the weirdest stories you hear that they've become more and more normal. I just, I don't know if I can have someone in my house

and knowing where I live is if they, I don't see a future with them and now they know where I live. And it's the person who sniffed my socks in my sleep. Oh my God, move, move, move. Yeah, absolutely. You're like, I can't fucking live here anymore. I gotta go. Yeah, that's a little much for me. Yeah, I would move. I absolutely, I don't know if I would pick up and move, but I would probably get like a ring doorbell or something just to be like, let's monitor the situation outside. Yeah. Change. Change the code on the locks.

I mean, change. I don't know. It feels weird. I would definitely be on high alert. I also I mean. After I feel like you hang out with somebody one time and you kind of know which way they lean politically. And I'm like, after two weeks, you get that comment. Like, I think you're ignoring a lot of red flags. Yeah.

I think it's interesting that after sniffing your socks and art and doing activity while you sleep, that Hillary is where you drew the line. It's like, OK, you can do all this fucking creepy ass shit while I'm sleeping, but you don't like Hillary Clinton. OK, you got to go. What's like the biggest red flag for you? I always pay attention to how the person that I'm with treats the other people around.

Like I, because my first meetings are always going to be public meetings. So I'm watching how you treat the valet person, the server. You know, when you answer your phone, how you talk to people, if you do answer your phone. I like to watch to see how you treat people. If you are watching other people, you're, you know, some guys have the roaming eyeballs, they're with you and they're looking at somebody else's ass. Like I watch to see how you, how are you going to, how are we going to play this out? How, how is this going to look like in the future when I'm out with you?

See, that's a good one that I've never, ever thought of the roaming eyes because I have ADHD. So I'm always like just bopping around looking at things. I'm like, Oh, a tree. Oh, what were you saying? Oh, sorry. I really zoned out. So yeah. Oh my God. I never even thought of that. If their eyes are Roman, they're looking for something better. Yeah. They're looking for something better or something more available or something readily available. And the fact that someone who can't sit, because I have a little bit, I have a touch of ADHD as well. So I understand having a short attention span and maybe roaming, you know, looking about

or shifting energy because of what's going on in your head. But there's something very specific about a man who's going to do a double take when someone has on some leggings and their ass is popping out and it's probably gonna look like that in the future with that person if they already doing that at the intro you know the the bridge and the outro is going to be just the same boo i mean i think i think you're right what What's another red flag? I don't I never, ever think about red flags. But the more I think about it, I'm like, oh, I guess if they're like unkind to me, that's a red flag. that says I'm the type of person a lot, they're telling you the type of person that they want you to believe that they are. Because a person who's kind to waiters will never say, well, I'm the kind

of person that takes care of the server. They do it right there. You see it. I'm the type of person that makes me nervous because that means it feels like a pitch. You know, it feels like a like a marketing tool. Like I'm the type of person that I'm always kind to the people around me because I'm the kind of person that doesn't judge. That line makes me I'm already like I'm ready to go. Because, yeah, I fully agree with you because you wouldn't have to say it. You would just be doing it. And it's like, oh, if you have to say I'm the type of person that means it's like oh so you don't do that on the regular

and you're just like reminding yourself to be that type of person also letting you know this is the type of person i want you to think i am because i'm gonna trick you later and you'll see what type of person i actually really am yeah yeah and i also i I don't I'm not particularly crazy about a man who shits on another woman to try to make me feel better about myself. I think that's corny and it's weak. I'll see like, you know, I'll see men trying to diss other women on social media and big up their girls. and big up their girls. And I'm like, it's not enough for you to just big up your girl. Like anybody who has to shit on somebody else to make you feel better about yourself has already zoomed in on you having low self-esteem and feeling like you need that. So that's not a compliment. That means he knows that you, you don feel good enough about yourself, that you got to shit on somebody else to feel good about yourself. So anytime a dude is like, yeah, you know, somebody was like, yeah, I'm not really into Beyonce like that.

And I was like, get the fuck out of here. Like, what are you getting? Like, I feel good enough about myself that Beyonce could be the baddest bitch to ever walk the earth. You know what I'm saying? I just feel like, yeah, I don't I don't I guys that do that for me and my relationships always make me feel weird. Like I'm like, he thinks I don't feel good about myself, that he can't big up another woman. And I don't like that. I mean, that is like whenever someone goes, I don't like Beyonce. I that is like whenever someone goes I don't like Beyonce I'm like okay that is something's wrong with you because I think Beyonce is fucking beautiful and

so talented but it is interesting when a dude is like oh let me like say this beautiful woman that's not for me you're for me and then I'm like wait like what? You don't like beautiful women? Are you saying is this like a backhanded compliment? Like, what the fuck is this? Exactly. Exactly. I watch for that stuff. What's the most romantic thing that's happened to you? That would be my ex.

You don't know if it's romantic. I'm such a sucker for stuff like that. But Valentine's Day, he's not he's one of those guys that doesn't celebrate Valentine's Day. He's like every day should be Valentine's Day. And on Valentine's Day, he kept reminding me that he didn't celebrate Valentine's Day while we were doing Valentine's Day shit. So he's like, I really am not into Valentine's Day. And then took me to this nice restaurant. I'm really not into Valentine's Day, the whole thing. I'm not going to buy you flowers. I'm not going to buy you chocolate.

Well, we left dinner and we were in the car driving away. And casually, he's like, catch. And he just threw this thing at me. And when I opened it, it was like diamond earrings. And I had said that because he heard me say that I wanted to buy myself some diamond earrings. And I just thought that was it was like a movie moment because it was just he was like turning on the music, driving, eating, you know, talking about the dinner. And then he's like, hey, catch. It was nothing. And then it was like, I don't celebrate

Valentine's Day. That is so sweet. I love that. I tend to date people who listen to every little thing I say for the first maybe month. And then after a month, they go, oh, I'll never listen to you again. Happens to the best of us, my queen. It's awful. So are you were you dating from like apps? Yeah. Four years ago, you would have been on an app maybe. Or are you meeting people in person? So I met it's so funny. We met on Twitter, which was not a dating app. Oh, but he he had DM me, but he actually tweeted me. And then we went to that. I was like, why don't you DM me? Because this is playing out in public. But the thing about him was that we had a mutual friend and our friend validated was like, oh, he's a good dude. You know, he's a good guy. He was like, that's a good one. And so he was like, yeah, he won't murder you. I've known him for many years.

But we got to worry about, right? I mean, I did laugh. but anytime i bring someone to my house i'm like do i think i can take them yeah also i have a baseball bat in a space in my house that is where i think it would be at maximum uh usage if shit went down but it is a wild thing that we have to fucking think about facts it's uh you know and the fact that in the last couple of years as a i mean not as a result of covid but covid has really revealed how it's increased you know femicide has gone up domestic violence has gotten up like and women tend to be the majority of the victims and i mean in domestic violence and femicide of of course, is woman driven.

But it's just kind of creepy to have to worry about this kind of stuff. Yeah. Can't people just get into therapy? I know. Talk about your shit, please. Don't murder me. I've been watching a lot of the television show you have you watched you i watched the first season i'm behind um but i'm gonna catch up on it actually in the next couple of days i have to catch up on it okay the third season is fucking incredible it's so good i heard so you you gotta you gotta catch up but it is funny that joe Goldberg is a serial killer that I'm like, oh, but like, he's so sweet.

And it very much like it is a comedy. It is like pretty gory. But you're like, that's how people get murdered. Because people like murderers are very charismatic. And you're like, oh, sure. Yeah, I'll go out with you. And the next thing you know, you're like oh sure yeah i'll go out with you and the next thing you know you're being chopped up into little bits yeah that's what they said ted bundy was very

charming they said well they say sociopaths tend to be very charming but you know it's funny um it is there's something in in girls that when someone is possessive someone is territorial that you you read it as being romantic not problematic you're like oh he only wants me like you know and at the beginning that's cute and sweet but then after a while you're like get out of the bathroom trying to pee um it's kind of scary and problematic and weird. Mm-hmm. Yeah. I, it is, I guess it gets glamorized in, like, television and in movies where it's like,

oh, yeah, I want him to only want me. But it's like, yes and no. Like, I think me personally, I would like someone to want me and only me, but also just, like, to also allow me to be me. Like, not, you know, be mad at me if I go out with my friends or whatever. Yeah, no, that's how, that's how I feel. Um, and being what I come from,

like I was married really young. I, um, I had, you know, someone that owned me and then someone else that owns me and then someone else that owns me and then someone else that owns me, learn going to therapy and just learning how to own myself was very, very, it's hard. I still have to practice it. Cause I still will lean into someone being like, Oh, I just, I just want you all the time. And I'm like, Oh, and then I'm like, Oh, it is not okay. He doesn't, he needs to want his, you know, his own stuff that way. It's just weird how we are this romantic thing to unpack it now because it's still very much today. It's not like something that they used to do in the 50s. And now here we are, 2021, and women are so liberated that they're not looking for the guy to protect them. But why wouldn't you when so many guys are fucking killing women?

Why wouldn't you want someone that guys are fucking killing women why wouldn't you want someone that can protect you you know yeah absolutely i think i'm i don't think i need to be protected i just want someone to like someone who cares about me do you know what i mean like someone who i can just like tell them about my day and not have to like be funny about it. Someone who's just content with me. You know, I read this book cause I, I was very problematic at this time and I was reading all the dating books and I read this book called getting to, I do. And, um, it's actually a fascinating book. Nick, uh, uh, what's her name? Nikki Glazer. And I talked about it cause she was like, I thought I was the only person to ever read that book, but it's a book about, um, the roles of men and women

in relationships and, or people and how everyone assumes the feminine role or the masculine role. And those are the only relationships that work. If you have the male energy in the relationship, uh, and the person has a feminine energy, they compliment each other. But one of the things that it said was that women want to be cherished and men want to be respected. And I'll never forget that because I was like, I don't want to be cherished. I don't even use that word like that, like that word feels so like 1920s, but it was like, I do want to be cherished. I looked it up and I was like, yeah, I want that. And I think that there's, I think everybody wants to be cherished, not just women. I think all people want to be cherished and all people want to be respected. But I thought it was

interesting that this woman felt like that was the specific thing that women were looking for, as if we're all a monolith. That is, is i'm gonna look up the definition of cherish real quick i feel like i know cherish oh yes okay i was literally spelling the there's like a furniture resale company called cherish spelled like a chair okay to protect and care for someone lovingly hold dearly uh keep a hope or ambition in one's mind yeah i do want to be cherished oh my god yes i want to be cared for lovingly i think like the older i get the more horny i get for like actual love and i think i become more of a hopeless romantic. And I don't know if that's a reality. You know, I think that your reality is based on what you create in your life, like what you want. And, you know, I know people who've been together for years. One of my best friends has been with

her college sweetheart for many years and they get it. They get each other there. They, you know, they have their ups and downs. They've had their moments, but they really like, they really are like drawn to each other. You know, the other night when I had, I had an event, she came to my event and she was like, she couldn't wait to go back to the hotel and just jump on her man. And I was like, oh, like, but they, they, they constantly work at it. You know, it's been like this thing. I don't think you're a hopeless romantic. I think you're just a romantic. And I think you, you want to, you want somebody to show up in your life the way you show up and, and you have to, you have to believe in that so that it

can, so that it will manifest for you because you will definitely attract that just like we attract those 50 assholes at the comedy club um i like that you just said you're romantic leaving out the hopeless part because yeah i guess i haven't like lost hope i guess it's just a a phrase that you hear enough so you just start saying it and it's like oh no it's okay to just be like I'm a romantic person and I dream of someone doing whimsical romantic things like the first time someone bought me flowers I almost started crying because I was like this is so romantic oh so sweet yeah you know it doesn't help that I've watched all the movies, you know, how to lose a guy in 10 days is in my top five. Like I have to rate like romantic comedies all by themselves. Like I can't even put them in the category with other movies, you know, like and it's those little moments, you know, like Sweet Home Alabama.

You know, I want to marry you. Wow. You want to marry me so I can kiss you anytime. You know why I want to marry you? Why do you want to marry me so I can kiss you anytime? Like all the stuff that we've been taught, you know, through these these things that seem so like they make us feel good. And it's really confusing because it's constantly was constantly in our faces like pretty woman. Like, can you imagine like, you know what I'm saying? Like it was so done so well. was so romantic so beautiful Julia Roberts you know and her boots her patent leather boots and her little blue skirt but imagine just someone who is a sex worker in their real life looking at that movie like really yeah being like yeah no that doesn't happen you don't just fall in love with someone. It's your job. Yeah. Pulls up in a Lotus Esprit and it's like, I need you to play this role with me and go to all this awesome shit with me.

I'm gonna buy you cool new clothes. And, you know, it's just weird. But we have all been, you know, programmed men and women to assume these roles in relationships. And it can be really complicated for us because our hearts don't understand that logic. Do you believe in like, I think it's sex in the city where they say you get three great loves in your life. Do you believe that? I don't know if it's three,

but I do believe in the great loves of your life. And at this point, I believe I've had two. And I don't know I mean I sit down sometimes and I'm like do I have room for more because I've had some deep heartbreak um but absolutely bring it on I saw eat pray love why not me yeah I wonder what like I don't think I've ever been in love I think I've loved people um but I I just can't imagine the heartbreak of being in love with someone and then them going away like that's so scary yeah it's actually traumatic um something I you know had a hard time getting over my ex-husband, the father of my children, my very first boyfriend, you know, he was like my first everything. And he

was my childhood best friend is what I describe him as. We've been, and just to see him now as a grownup and we don't, we don't see each other, you know, every day. We don't even talk every day. And it was really weird because it was something that at that point in my life, I thought I'm going to be with him forever, you know, and and getting over that so much of my own my own identity was so connected to him, like not understanding who I was in the world without being with him. And it's funny, I loved him so much that my friends would make jokes about me. They would say that, you know, my friends would be like, oh, I like those shoes, but they ain't no Omar. Because they were like, I would I love him so much that I had a key chain that had like Idada loves Omar was like you know really intense and just

healing from that was really really traumatic yeah I truly can't imagine because like I have friends that I love where I'm like oh my god if I never saw this friend again I would be devastated how awful but also what a treat to like get to feel that feeling. Yeah, until it's over. Yeah. And then it's like, ah! It's really something to, I learned a lot about myself from my heartbreaks, you know. Coincidentally, when I went to the Dominican Republic and re-met my father and spent that moment with him,

all of it flashed in front of my face. It was like a montage of my life with relationships. And that very moment defined so much for me as to why I've had these experiences with men where I felt like I needed validation. I couldn't be abandoned. I just want to be protected. I want to be adored. It was all from that very moment of not having my father and how that registered for me. It's been very interesting to unpack since because a lot of my relationship woes stem from that very issue. a lot of my relationship woes stem from that very issue. Yeah. I feel like a lot of us don't realize, like,

I feel like I saw a meme about it or something. It was just like, we make fun of women with daddy issues, but we never talk about the daddy who caused the issues. And it's like, yeah, we're just a result of, it's not like it came out of nowhere. And I was like, oh, you know, I want to please men. And it's like, oh, well, cause you spent a long time trying to please your dad and I was like oh the you know I want to please Ben and it's like oh well because you spent a long time trying to please your dad and he was unpleasable or whatever um but yeah it's just it's really interesting when you like just sit and like unpack some shit oh absolutely I'm so glad that I was able to do that because you know this came

shortly after my breakup so I was like, this is what that was. This is what this was about. And just now as I focus on healing from the original thing so that I can have normal normalcy in a relationship has been very enlightening, I guess, you know, just to be able to say, oh, y'all have just been a symptom of this. It ain't even really about you. It really is about this. Yeah, I feel you on that. Real quick, we got to take another break. And we're back. Okay. What are some things I could do to make it seem to men that I'm here and ready for a relationship?

I don't know. You've had relationships. So how do you get into them? How do I get into a relationship? Help. How do you get into a relationship? I always tell people what my first thing I don't think this is a problem for you. I've been in your presence and I know that you have no problems being yourself. But it's interesting how people feel like they have to present their best self to, you know, to attract someone for a relationship. And then you'll hear people say, oh, she sent her representative or he, but that's not who he was.

This is your idea of what you think your best self is. And your best self ultimately is really being your most authentic self, right? So I would say, I always tell people go as you, cause you are eventually going to show up anyway. And it just feels so much better when somebody sees you at your core and really fucks with that. That's the biggest compliment, you know, to see someone saying, Oh, I like you and all your quirks. Like those have been my best relationships is someone who's like, Oh, it was when you did this that quirks, like those have been my best relationships is someone who's like, oh, it was when you did this that I really was like, I like her and had nothing to do with glamour, had nothing to do with, you know, appearances. It was just me being goofy in my goofiest moments.

So I think, um, I think that the best way for you to get into a relationship, which is what my herbalist told me of all people, you have to be what you want and you should focus on being what you want so that what you relationship, showing up in, you know, I'm so sensitive. I don't want somebody to make, you know, to make fun of me in front of my friends. So, and then I realized that I would make fun of my boyfriend in front of his friends. And I was like, what's that all about? Like, you know, you are, you doing the shit you don't like. I've really been focusing on not being judgmental and creating a safe space because I don't like to be judged. Because I was really, really focused on people, what people were doing to me that I was totally blind in what I was doing. So I think the best thing you can do is focus on being what you want. So if you want to be with someone who's romantic, how romantic are you? I don't think I'm a very romantic person. I've been trying to work on

touching people more often because I like to be touched sometimes. And I was like, oh, I guess I don't touch people enough. A friend of mine was like, you don't touch anybody. She's like, you don't give hugs often. I was like, oh, well, I don't want to be like a standoffish person. So I've been working on that. That's like a new thing for me. It's going pretty well. Nice. I think, you know, what's funny is my daughter doesn't like to hug people either. And I think that even in that, you still give off this warmth that makes you welcoming because you've always been that way with me in person. I'm a hugger, so I know that I've hugged you. And I don't I'm not conscious about who hugs who first.

But I think that's a good thing about you, though, that you don't feel standoffish. Maybe you're just protecting your boundaries and maybe it's important for you subconsciously to do that for whatever reason it is. Maybe. Boy, oh boy, I should get back into therapy. It's been I've been working, so I haven't had time for it. But my job has come to an end. So I think it's time for me to go back. it's time for me to go back. Same. So I ask all my guests this, would you date me? I would definitely date you. Absolutely. Every time I'm around you, you make me smile. You make me laugh. The very first thing you gave me was the very first thing you said to me was giving me a compliment. I had just gotten off stage at at the at the uh the little room at the improv and I I'll never forget that because it was it just came with love it was just like so loving and sweet I would definitely

date you oh thank you I would actually stalk you and probably you know hide around and you know like what are you doing where are you going why are you and, you know, like, what are you doing? Where are you going? Why are you going? Why you got to go to the bathroom? Why you got to go? And I love it. OK, so be the person I want to be and I'll attract somebody who I want. I think that's good advice. Do you have any other advice for meeting someone in person?

You know, I think meeting people in person right now is weird because people are so used to being online. I would say just be fully present because I think a lot of people don't know how to read signals anymore. They're always online. Everything that they do is virtual. And I think people don't know how to interact with people. Like I've been out and I've seen, you know, just having conversations with just regular people who with no romantic expectation, even at the comedy clubs, people have just been weird. Like people are like, Hey, can I, can I shake your hand? Can I, can I talk to you? Is it okay? I'm vaccinated. I'm like, you know, people are just weird. And I think be fully present in the moment and let people know that you're open for business because

a lot of people are scared now they don't know how every it's collective trauma we've all been through this thing and so everybody's just feeling weird I fully fucking agree I wonder when like I mean I think it's gonna take a very long time for things to go back to any sort of normal but i think you're you're right like people are very much like uh about getting close to you even if you're wearing a mask and people are like i'm vaccinated like they just kind of jump at you and i feel like small like i don't love small talk but small talk i think has gotten even worse. Yeah. Because you're like, oh, I mean, it was sunny today.

And that person will be like, this is the first time I left the house. And you're like, OK. Yeah, it's weird. Or people, you know, people are politically on edge, socially on edge. Everybody has gotten so vocal about we just don't have basic conversations anymore. Like as human beings that our politics and our social stance have become so much of our identity that I think it's important to, that's why I love you because you released me from that. Sometimes, sometimes like I talk to people that are always talking about politics. Sometimes I just want to talk about life. You know, you know, sometimes like I have a friend who's just always talking about politics.

And the way I shut her up, I'd be like, hey, when's the last time you got some dick? And then she's like, patriarchy. And I'm like, yeah. When's the patriarchy been inside of you? You need it. You need you got to be a multi-dimensional human being and and you got to stop finding your identity in these causes because what happens when this moment passes and people are not talking about politics anymore then who are you i fully fucking agree with that

because i do think it's smart and worth your time to be invested in politics and shit going on in the world. But I'm also like, if you can't be goofy and just like have a nice time giggling about something stupid, like I feel like you're just taking life a little too seriously. And it's like, well, what's the point? Yeah. Some people are not here and some people didn't wake up this morning. Some people won't be here tomorrow. I hope I am. And I do want to have fun. And that's one of the things that I've been focused on since the pandemic, instead of cowering and saying, I'm going to just stay away from everybody. I've made an unconscious decision that I want to have fun.

I wasn't having fun for a long time and I want to dance and I want to be goofy and I want to travel and I want to eat weird shit. I want to have fun. I want to have my version of fun. I want to go bowling. You know, I want to, I want to meet new people. Like I just want to have fun. I also want to go bowling. I have a really strong desire to bowl. I am not a bowler. I have been bowling maybe eight times in my life. But the other day I was like, wouldn't it be fun to just get a group of people together and bowl? And I don't know why I have this urge. it's competitive, but not so competitive. And it's something that when you're not doing good at it, it's still fun if you're with the right people. So even if you get a strike or you don't, a gutter ball, still fun, you know, like you laugh at this or you cheer at that. It's not polarizing. You know what I'm saying? Like, and anybody can be good at bowling. You don't have to be tall, you know, to like basketball or limber. You could just, you could just be good at bowling. You don't have to be tall, you don't have to like basketball or limber. You

could just be good at bowling no matter who you are. And that's what I love about it. Cause you know, I don't play basketball. I don't play volleyball. I don't go out and play tennis, but when I bowl, I feel like I know what I'm doing and I have a good time. I think that, I think I have to go, I think I'm going to go buy a bowling shirt and make a bunch of other people buy bowling shirts and be like, we're a bowling team now. I keep just like I'm with you. I'm like, OK, I was inside for a year or whatever. I just want to have fun. I just want to have a nice time. I just want to talk to nice people and be treated nicely. just want to talk to nice people and be treated nicely same same and I just want to connect with people on human experiences without having to judge them for you know all of if you know I think about like the cancelers you know and whatever I guarantee you if you looked into these people's

lives they'd all be cancelable so it's just like because we're all imperfect you know what I mean so I just I just I just want to give people grace I mean some things are unacceptable and that's that's in that category but I just don't want to walk around like waving my finger at people my you know and pointing my finger at people and saying hey you got it wrong here because I just know I'm imperfect I just I'm imperfect every day. Every day I try to be a better person, but I fuck up all the time. So I can't go around pointing everybody else's fuck ups. I agree. I'm not much for like fully canceling people because I think we've all said and done things that are questionable and not great. And I'm a huge proponent of like people grow.

great. And I'm a huge proponent of like people grow. Like I grew from yesterday. I'm not the same person I was two days ago. I learned something. So like, I don't know. I think we need to give people a little bit more grace. I agree. I agree. I mean, it's lonely. It's lonely. And it's not fun talking to people who parrot everything that you just preach into the choir. I like talking to people who don't think like me and seeing what, you know, if I can learn something from them, maybe I can show them something from a different perspective. I want to be around a bunch of motherfuckers that are just all like reading off the bullet points of what we believe this, you know, it just, it feels boring. It's performative. And if it just feels hollow. it feels boring. It's performative. And if it just feels hollow.

I agree. Well, I think we've come to the end. Do you have anything you want to promote? Well, my special fighting words is on HBO max right now. You can catch that. And let me know what you think. And just don't ask, don't tell me to die. Like you do not like myself. But don't wish death upon me. I mean, it's such an extreme thing to be like, I didn't like these jokes. You better die. It's fucking rude. And also people don't need to know all of your thoughts. I think it should be illegal. I've said it before. I'll say it again. It should be illegal to be able to say anything other than I liked it. maybe that wasn't for me but i watched it nobody should be able to

shit on people that's not nice yeah i don't i don't you know like i always say i don't like country music i've never gone to garth brooks's page and said this shit is trash never like and i never will i wish i could remember his alter ego because i would have asked you did you go to his alter egos page what was it garth brooks and i have to look it up chris gaines what a funny normal name garth broth Brooks and Keith or what was it? Chris Gaines. What a that's so funny. Garth, that's funny.

And I actually really like Garth Brooks, which is what. Yeah, I like that's even funnier. The person I and I'll listen to some songs. Like I do like some country songs, but I just, I'm not going to rock out the country music for hours. Like I would do any, the genre of music,

the genres of music that I do like, but like, I, you know, just, if I don't like, if I didn't like a movie, I don't tweet the actors and say,

yeah, it's fucking rude. It is. I will say this. you should listen to yola she's more soul but she does have a country leaning album called walk through the fire i think that's what it's called i love it i think you'll like her she's got a very soulful voice i'm actually looking her up right now she's also just adorable in a dream i really enjoy her and i saw her live and I like truly saw Jesus.

Her voice is incredible. I just followed her on Spotify. I'm going to listen. All right. Well, Ida, thank you so much for doing this. You're it's just lovely to talk to you. You're wonderful. Same. You know, I love you, girl. And I mean that I got I've liked you from the beginning. This is me also in relationships. I either like you from the beginning or I don't. And it's very seldom where I cross over. Oh, interesting. I'm a person who like, I like someone immediately, but also I get curious about people

who are very different than me. I'm like, what? What else is there? You can be different, but some people I just don't like. For some reason, their energy just don't like for some reason. Their energy just doesn't get well with mine. And I just I don't try to force it anymore.

I feel you on that. All right. Well, this is it for this episode of Why Won't You Date Me? If you liked it, you can subscribe. You can rate it on Apple podcast. If you write me something nasty hitting on me using the email address, I will read it out loud. This person said, give me that peach emoji. Dearest Nicole, I want a motorboat that fat, delicious ass. Bury my face between those chocolate cheeks. Wallace my digits. Navigate your WAP until you scream nailed it. Wow. Thank you so much for that okay bye-bye that's it for why won't you date me with me

nicole byer why won't you date me is produced and engineered by oh the sweetest woman i know marissa melnick it is executive produced by other wonderful people adam sacks joanna solo taroff and jeff ross Thanks for listening. I love you. Thank you so much. We'll be seeing you next Friday with a brand new episode. What a dream. What a dream.

Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. This has been a Team Coco production.