Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Kiki-ing (w/ Oscar Montoya)

Episode Date: November 7, 2025

Comedian and friend Oscar Montoya (Dropout TV, Drag Her) is back for another kiki. They talk about the best slutty Halloween costumes, the casual racism in early-2000s fashion, recounts stories of wild audience members, dating someone as a "bit", and Nicole shares the time she officiated a wedding proposal while soaked in toilet water. It's a nice fun time.See the Bad Drag Race finale in LA Nov 15th, co-hosted by Nicole, Oscar, and Mano. Get tickets here.Watch this episode on our YouTube channel at https://www.youtube.com/@WhyWontYouDateMePodcastSupport this podcast and get discounts by checking out our sponsor:Uncommon Goods: To get 15% off your unique gifts this year, go to https://uncommongoods.com/dateme.Follow:All Links: linktr.ee/whywontyoudatemeTour Dates: linktr.ee/nicolebyerwastakenYouTube: @WhyWontYouDateMePodcastTikTok: @whywontyoudatemepod Instagram: @nicolebyerX: @nicolebyerNicole's book, #VERYFAT #VERYBRAVE: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746This is a Headgum podcast. Follow Headgum on Twitter, Instagram, and Tiktok. Advertise on Why Won't You Date Me? via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Want to watch this episode? Catch the full video on YouTube. Just hit the link in the episode description. This is a headgum podcast. It's easier to remain the same than change. Imagine growing and changing. Baby. Imagine going to therapy and figuring out why you think the way you think.

Imagine waking up when you've been asleep this whole time. Wake me up this eye. I can't wake up. Oh my God. That evidence song is woke. It's woke. It's woke. No, she's trying to be woke.

And he's saying, no, I can't wake up. And it's a man holding a woman back. I don't know any other lyrics. All I remember is a music video. And I think she's falling off a building and he's holding her, saving her. But what he's really doing is preventing her from jumping off the cliff of being comfortable. And into a sea of people of color. Which are there to lift her up.

They're trying to lift her up. They're saying, come here, baby. Come here, wake me up inside. Okay, wake up. Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please, tell me why.

Ooh, baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me, a podcaster. I mean, Nicole Byer was trying to figure out why I was this single, even though you could come in the road tell me it's just paint for the street. My guest today is a very funny comedian and actor you've seen on minks and dropout shows. He also hosts bad drag race right here in Los Angeles, California, a show that I sometimes co-host when I remember that I said yes, and I am in town. It's always a treat when you show up. It is constantly a battle, because Mauna will be like, see, tomorrow and i'm like i'm in wisconsin or i think last time i was literally in uh north

carolina or something well the finale is coming up november 15th and i will be there confirmed check the calendar and every i double check the calendar and i put it in if you don't want to show up you don't have to and that's the glory of the show period maybe i'll I'll be there. Maybe I won't. It's Oscar Montoya! Yay! Nicole! Oh my God, Oscar, thank you so much for being here. Thank you so much for having me. This t-shirt is great. Do you know what a real Tasmanian devil looks like?

Not like this? No. They look sick as hell. They're some of the nastiest things you'll ever see in your whole fucking life. What? They're like little street river rats. How big are? They're little? I don't know. They're not like bear sized I don't think so

I think they're little river rats Or I guess desert rats They look pretty small Look at that thing What the hell? That's what? Isn't it wild? Isn't that wild

That somebody saw that And then drew that? That's not the same That's cuter than that This is way cuter Bugs Bunny That's a bunny That's a bunny

Wiley Coyote That's not a coyote Coyotes look crazy Yeah coyotes look crazy Their ears are not this long No No It's actually kind of

bunny coated. It is bunny coated. And then we got Daffy Duck, which... Let me see Daffy. Yeah, that's a duck. That's a duck. That's a duck. That's a duck. That is a... This is not a Tasmanian devil. No. Aren't those nasty? That's crazy. Wait, Mars, where are they found? Oh, look it up. I assume Tasmania.

But like on the side of the street? Or in a backyard? Like, where am I encountering them? They're just like dogs. Are they squirrels? Climbing trees? Yeah. Maybe. Being like, yeah, they're found in all habitats on the island of Tasmania. Gross. Wait, so like. That's their squirrel?

Hold on. Yeah. Yes. Are they like sort of seen like, do they even spin around like the Tasmanian devil? Have we been lied to this whole time? I think we might have. It looks so cute though. You think that's cute?

That is so little. Yeah. I don't like it. Are they ferocious? I think so. Those teeth. They look serious. They look nasty.

They're a wow. Did you get that affection over too? No. This, okay, OG Fats will know. This is like when Torrid first came out. They had like t-shirts. Do you remember the t-shirts that's like, I'm a Jersey girl? Yes.

Or like, I'm Jewish. Yes. The two genders. I'm a Jersey girl and I'm Jewish. It had like a funny thing on it. remember a funny thing on it i'm jewish some were racist some were racist it would be like fortune cookies like i'm chinese like does anybody anybody remember is this i'm just alone i'm i'm alone i swear to god i feel like abercrombie abercrombie like made them popular

and then there was like knockoffs everywhere listen racist clothing has been around since the dawn of time okay there's been what is that what is that like fashion company that made shirts that said like monkey baby or something and had a black model model that monkey baby yes literally was it H&M

I feel like it might have been Target maybe or something like that maybe it was not me calling Target a fashion company LOL the global fashion conglomerate Target I got to say I missed Target they didn't tell me when the

protest stop. Oh, he was H&M. Oh, I was right. I can't believe I worked. Was it called? It said coolest monkey in the jungle. Is that the one you're thinking of? Cool.

Okay. Honestly, but if you're going to be a monkey. Oh, you got to be the coolest monkey in the jungle. Wait, Marth, can you look up? I'm so sorry. Usually we don't do this. But can you look up like silly racist shirts? Not bad.

silly racist shirt they were just like lightly racist I can't believe you don't remember these these are like all the rage in like middle school it's like it's serving racism

but with the Aaron Roberts like I'm quirky I'm racist what Chinese Oscar was right this is like a shirt

that came out from Abercrombie that was pretty racist Asians can you read it just for the audio listeners Wong brothers laundry service, 555 Wong. Two Wongs can make it white? So this is of that era. Wow, back.

I'm glad you didn't show up with that jerk. You were deciding what to wear today and you're like, hmm, hmm. I cannot imagine the day I would have if I went to a goodwill and found that shirt. shirt. It would be a wrap for everybody. I would like, they sold it to me. I'm wearing it. And I'd be like, disclaimer. I know it's racist, but it's archival. Okay. It's vintage, okay? It's history. It's history. It's history. It's historical. Sometimes history is ugly and I'm wearing the past with me. Hopefully we can all learn something from this. We can read this and get upset together. It hurts me to wear it.

I got to say, like, we were around in the early 2000s when I think racism was so commercialized. Yes. Casual racism was everywhere. Yeah. And that's not cool. It's not cool. And it's wild. And it feels like, I mean, the term woke has been, like, thrown around and branded is, like, a bad thing.

But it's just like, it's black vernacular. We were saying it because we, like, woke up from the spell of patriarchy and, like, you know, societal norms set by white people, whatever. But I feel like the age of now where comedians and stuff are like, you'll get canceled. It's like, well, I can't say two Wongs make a white. I got canceled for that. It's like, yeah, and it's like you're not even being canceled. You're finding a new audience of, like, other bigots. Yes, literally.

If you think you're making more money after you say. Terrible shit. There are huge, huge stars that are marketed as being problematic and finding a wide audience of fans. Yeah. You know? So we're not out of it yet. No. We're still in it.

And it's funny because, like, I think you make more money being canceled than you do being uncanceled because, I mean, to talk about, what could just say, Louis C.K. Period. So he had an FX show that was, you know, it won awards. and Hollywood liked it. The Coasts liked it. I don't think people in Ohio were watching it. No. But as soon as he got canceled, the people in Ohio were like, I'll spend money to see him live.

Finally, someone I can relate to. Yes. A coastal elite that is just as problematic as I am, I got to support. I got to support. I got to throw that man my money. It's so bizarre to me how no one fights harder than bigots. Yes. They really staunchly fight for what they believe.

I'll tell you why. It's easier to remain the same than change Imagine growing and changing Baby Imagine going to therapy and figuring out Why you think the way you think Imagine waking up when you've been asleep this whole time Wake me up this eye

I can't wake up Oh my God That Evanescent song It's a woe It's woe! It's woe! No, she's trying to be woke And he's saying no I can't wake up

And it's a man holding a woman's back I don't know any other lyrics All I remember is a music video, and I think she's falling off a building, and he's holding her, saving her. But what he's really doing is preventing her from jumping off the cliff of being comfortable. And into a sea of people of color. Which are there to lift her up. They're trying to lift her up. They're saying, come here, baby.

Come here. Wake me up inside. Okay, wake up. We've cracked the code of that song. Simply correct the code of one of my favorite songs. One of your favorite songs. My friend Nick came to visit, and we were in my backyard. I was playing music, a 90s mix.

That song came on, and I sang every single word. You know the words to them. No, I pulled it up on my phone and very loudly, just in the middle of us, having a nice time outside, started scream singing, Evanescence, both parts. It was not good. I constantly think my neighbors are like, she has to move. She's got to get out here. What do you do your neighbors say about you? Real talk.

Well. Have they said anything? I'm sure this morning my next door neighbors probably had something to say about me. Because last night, I post made a salad from Simply Salads for $30. I said, leave it at my door. I don't want to speak. I've been a little sick. I didn't want to, you know, speak to anybody.

So I check outside because I said it was delivered, nothing. I said what? I went to the app. I looked. There was a picture. It was in front of a white house. And I was like, well. Your neighbors.

But there's like three white houses in my neighborhood. And I was like, so. Which one? What do I do? Walk around trying to find my $30 salad. So I opted not to do that. So I'm sure this morning they found a. A nasty, soggy, wilted salad for Nikki.

And then when I was talking to Postmates, I said, what am I supposed to do? Wander the neighborhood looking for my salad? Should I simply scream, where's my salad into the night? I had a full-blown meltdown because I didn't want to go explore my neighborhood. I hope you got a refund. I did. Good, okay.

I did. I said those two things and she gave me my money back. the whole point of delivery services is you do the least amount of work well she hit me with once you say leave it at the door you are removing any obligation for them to come find you oh yes leave it at the door not my door not my door any fucking door in that wild so i'm sure this morning my neighbors were like jesus cries this bitch loves salad she's probably hungry she didn't get to eat her i ate a sad lean cuisine Isn't that depressing?

No, because I had that last night for dinner. Wait, which one did you have? I had the steak with the mushrooms. Ooh, that's nice. Which one did you have? I had the chicken fettuccini steamer. Yes. But I'm confused about the steamer.

Yeah. Because there's sauce at the bottom. And I'm like, do I pour the sauce on top? Or am I supposed to... Did you? Just half of it because I didn't know. I didn't know if it was supposed to be like a like a... like a wind of flavor.

Because it is lean cuisine. You can't have too much flavor in the lean cuisine. They're disgusting, but I simply, I have come to the conclusion. I can't cook. I just, I don't, I don't do it. Have you tried cooking? Yes. Flop.

Bad. Oh, okay. Return her. Return it. No. So, okay, I can make chicken, but then you got to clean up all the plates. And then if you make If you make a hundred pieces of chicken

You got eat chicken for the rest of the fucking week I'm sorry, why are you making a hundred pieces of chicken? I'm buying bulk And you got to cook them all at the same time Oh Fuck you It never occurred to me to like freeze and save for later It never occurred to me

You're like, well I got three sacks full of chickens I'm going to make them all With the ADHD I'm very much like Cook it now, never cook again every time I cook I'm like I'll never have to cook again

if I just cook all of this. What are you going to be for Halloween? Do you know? Halloween was last week. Well, what am I going to be for Halloween last week? First, we have to take a break. Oh, we have to. This is chaotic.

Well, the holiday shopping season is officially here and listen, I know how stressful it gets. trying to find something that actually feels thoughtful, but uncommon goods makes it easy. They've got thousands of unique, high-quality finds you won't see anywhere else. And the best stuff sells out fast, so now's the time to start crossing names off your list. Uncommon Goods has so many fun gifts. Everything's high-quality, unique, and often handmade or made in the U.S., plus many items come from independent artists and small businesses.

So everything really feels, you know, personal. Last year, I got these custom embroidered sweaters with my friend's pets on them, and it was a hit. People lost their minds over them. The site has something for everyone, moms, dads, kids, foodies, book lovers, you name it. And when you shop there, you're supporting small businesses and artists, which I love. Plus, with every purchase, Uncommon Goods donates $1 to a nonprofit of your choice, and they've donated over $3 million so far. So don't wait. Cross those names off your list before the rush.

To get 15% off your next gift, go to uncommongoods.com slash date me. That's uncommon goods.com slash date me for 15% off. Uncommon goods. We're all out of the ordinary. Support for this podcast comes from Chamberlain University. Let's talk about that dream you keep putting off. Maybe it's going back to school, starting a new career, or finally stepping into something you've always wanted to do.

I get it. Life gets busy and change can feel scary. But what if it didn't have to? Chamberlain University has been preparing nurses and health care professionals for over 130 years. They're the largest nursing school in the country, and they built their entire community around care and support. Chamberlain has flexible programs that actually fit your life with in-person, online, and hybrid options with classes that start every eight weeks. And the best part, you don't have to do it alone. When you join Chamberlain, you're not just signing up for classes.

You're joining a community of people who care deeply about helping others. The professors and mentors really show up for you. They guide you through every step so you can feel confident with support along the way. So if you've been waiting for a sign, this is it, you've got this and Chamberlain's got you. Learn more at chamberlain.edu. Chamberlain University, belong to something greater, certified to operate by Shev. And we're back.

That was a beautiful cut point. What were you for Halloween last week? Well, I typically wear the same Halloween costume every single year for the past 10 years, and that is a cockroach costume. Wow. Wow. That almost came right up. A cockroach costume. A cockroach costume. A cockroach costume. A cockroach costume. It's fun. It's easy to get into. I feel the most comfortable wearing a cockroach costume. And it's got like large antenna that could just like that hit like moves around and hits people.

I feel like it does feel like my hair. So sometimes I like put it to the side and sort of like do a little like antenna braid to it. Ew. It's really nice. But in the last Bad Drag Race show, I was, I wore the cockroach costume because I didn't have an idea of what to do for my number. and I was like, let me just wear my cockroach costume. So I bedazzled my cockroach costume. So I'm going to be a glamorous cockroach last week for Halloween.

Okay. All right. Do you, ugh? Do you not like roaches? Oh. Are you fucking kidding? What do you mean do I like roaches? Do you not like them?

Nobody likes roaches. People like roaches? You got like pet roaches? I don't have pet roaches. If you were in somebody's house and you saw a roach, are you staying? Low key I was at my friend's house I kid you not

I was hanging out with her and a literal cockroach was crawling up her leg and she did not notice and I'm not like it's not a baby roach this was like water bug

yes was this here this was in New York I can forgive your friend a little bit but not I'm sorry If a waterbug is crawling up your leg, I don't care who you are, you react to it.

That bitch is nasty. Here's the thing. This is where I'm the bad guy. I didn't tell her. I didn't want to be rude. You didn't want to be rude. Bitch, you've got a roach on your leg. It was literally like crawling up.

Ew. And then I couldn't see it anymore. And I was like, where is this roach now? In her pussy! She got to go to the gynecologist. Okay, wait, speaking of a gynecologist, I went to the gynecologist yesterday, and then I got really stoned last night. And I was like, wouldn't it be funny if your legs were in the stirrups? And then they sat down and they went, boo.

And then they went under the little napkin and went, woo. The gynecologist? Wouldn't that be funny? Or would that be the most unprofessional thing in the whole wide world? Or they sat down. with your legs up and then they leaned over so you can see their face

and they went yikes okay genuinely I woke up out of my bed because I was like fading to sleep as I thought this

and was like I have to write this down in my notes out so if you come to see me do stand up you might see more of that more of that

but act shocked that's surprised you never heard it you never heard it well there'll be new things added to it I'm going to really work. This is going to be a 10-minute bit.

What if your set was just one joke and you walked away? My feature or my host, this woman, she also features for me, Liz Barlow. She's so funny. Her daughter, she lives in near D.C., so she brought her daughter to one of the shows because her daughter was like, I want to tell a joke. And I think her daughter is three or four. Oh, my God. And she goes, I'm going to tell one joke.

And then she got on stage and Liz is like, this is like, this is. my daughter, she's going to tell one joke. Hannah heard the mic and she went, one. And I was like, the crowd didn't give it to her. That's the funniest joke. I'm sorry? I'm going to tell one joke. One.

That's, and then I truly, I got. Standing ovation for the queen. I got on stage and I said, I can't believe I got to follow that bitch. I was living. It made me, I was, I was, like, laughing harder than the audience. I was like, you guys don't understand, like, a four-year-old. like having a sense of their own humor literally that is funny and smart I would say yes and a lot of children do not perform well under pressure no not at all she just came out

with the one mm-hmm damn that's a that's a performer mm-hmm she barely had the mic in her hand too she like what she was so funny and no one gave her anything no no they laughed okay they were like it was polite laughter as opposed to I screamed not the gutter old no I because I wasn't expecting it I thought she would tell a long meandering joke She said one and done. Or like a little, like, knock knock joke or something, some... No, she said to tell you my closer. Damn.

Okay. Damn. Uh-huh. She's talented. Wait, do you want my Elmo costume for bad drag race? Literally? Yeah. Yes.

It's a 2X. Okay. Well, girl, I don't know. I'm a big bitch. So am I. Okay. We're big bitches. That's okay.

Okay. I don't know. I would love that. Okay. I also have... Wait, Elmo. Well, I'm sorry, your Elmo costume. Elmo.

That's not what it says. No. It is not say Elmo. Y'all, if you are looking for, oh, Halloween's done, I'm sure Fashion Nova. For next year, for next year. Fashion Nova will have so many more costumes. Also, I had no idea of Fashion Nova made costumes. Girl.

When did they get in that game? I don't know. I feel like as long as Fashion Nova's been around, but we got cookies in the jar, six piece costume set cookies in the jar that's cookie monster the way fashion Ova's like duck in the copyright

infringement lawsuits Malibu M-A-L-I-Dash B-O-O-Rumb babe and it has the Malibu logo but it's spelt funny no

and that's just a dress it's just a dress that says Malibu you better believe we got yellow creature that's That's big bird right there, yellow creature. Not even a play on, like, Sesame Street. Nope, nope, nope, gigantic ostrich. And then we got juicy watermelon.

What the hell? It's just a slutty, slutty lady. I'm truly, these costumes, they have like a sexy buzz light ear. I'm truly in awe of what they can slutify. Oh, my God, they have a sexy Wolverine, and they call it claws and effect. That's funny. That's funny. I'm dying.

Claws and effect. Oh, my God. Look at this one. This is a construction worker. Oh, my gosh. What does it say? What's the name of the costume? This is Playboy Hard Hat Bunny.

Not as funny. And it only goes up to an XL, so they're fatphobic. I want to see a big bitch with rolls up in this. And if you're a big bitch with rolls who bought this, I would like to see it. So please tag me. Sandpicks. Honestly, tag me in all of your slutty Halloween pictures. I want to see them.

Period. I love sluts. What is the sluttiest costume you've seen in person? The sluttiest costume I've seen in person. I've seen a lot of mystiques in the city. Not in L.A., but like naked. The movie version. Yes.

I've seen a couple naked. And in New York, too. It's cold during Halloween time. Oh, never gets cold. Cardi B said that. And I firmly believe that. Because any time I'm like in nothing with my face beat looking right, I'm never cold. Never.

It's the heat of the glow. It is. Keep me warm, Daddy. What's the slettiest costume you've seen? I've seen a couple of slettie costumes. My favorite was a gaggle. of like, I want to say like, 10 women dress up as sexy umpalumpas. But, okay, so like, picture an umpalupa from the movie, right?

Orange skin, all of that. And they wear these pants that are like a little harm pants, but they were harm shorts. Yes. Which I'm like, I've never seen that before. That's a bloomer. That's what that is. Then bitches were colonial. That's a bloomer.

They said, let me churn butter after Halloween. They weren't sexy umpolloo. It was Rum Springa. They left the Amish to be sexy umpalupas, and they're going right back November 1st. They weren't umpalupas. They were Amish people with a weird form of scurvy. Oh my God. That is so funny.

And they're like, why won't anyone take care of us? Give me a lion. Why are they forcing us into a parade? That is so funny. We weren't even wearing a costume. They weren't just selfish people. Sick homage people. I got tired of churn into butter.

Can you join the Amish? We've talked nothing about relationships. The first time I was here, we're going to talk about relationships either. So that's on brand. Can you join the Amish? Can you? I kind of want to. Well, Vanilla.

did, didn't he? What? Remember that show? What? Remember he did that show where he was in Amish for a little bit? What? Mars. I'm looking it up.

Does it no one know about this? No. He literally... How does it feel? How does it feel to be the only one in the room to know something? No, it's called Vanilla Ice Goes Amish. It came out in 2013. Period.

2013. That's so funny. 2013 to me, we evolved past insane concepts for... Do you remember? Reality TV will always be. insane. Do you remember the show where whole families had to swap races?

What in the America's Next Top Model Tyra Bay's Challenge? And I believe it aired for one episode. And a white family had to be black and they were like It literally taught people empathy.

They were like, I've never been treated. Yes, in black. They did like realistic black face. And, like, the dad has an interview or a monologue or whatever where he's like, yeah, I've never been treated like this in my whole life. And it, like, it's eye opening. And I'm like, should we paint all white people black and make them live a life just to see what it's like? What year was that? Do you remember?

Mars. Was it called black white? Maybe. Not black white. Not the simplicity of it. White. Trying to get a good image of it. That's the sort of yep

face that they did. Yep. Oh, no, no, no. Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, no, no. What? Yeah, what year did that come out? This is the, it's giving in the same era as two Wong's make a white sort of vibe.

2006 ran for six episodes. Oh, six episodes. After six, they said, actually, this could be a problem. That's very funny. They're like, ooh, we shouldn't get to seven, eight, nine, ten. We got a. We gotta, this got to go. That's crazy.

Isn't that wild? Oh, you was produced by Ice Cube. What? Sometimes it'd be your own people. What do you mean? Ice Cube explain yourself. Honestly, wait a minute. I literally just said we should do it.

I get how Ice Cube got there. We'll teach him by making them be them. This is a conversation Ice Cube had. Probably. We'll teach white people empathy. We'll paint them black. And then he'll see how hard it is. And we'll feel.

We'll only film six episodes just to make sure. Just to make sure. Wipe it from the internet. Oh my God. There's a show. Reality TV, to me that's a wild west of reality TV.

There were so many shows that had like maybe one or two episodes that were so problematic conceptually that got greenlit. There was one show where it was like Bachelorette style but the Bachelorette is

a trans woman, but they didn't tell the men at all. And so, like, at the final four, she's like, I'm actually a man. And, like, men threw up. That's tough. And the idea was to, like, educate people about, like, trans women are women, too. But, like... That's just not how you do it.

That's not how you do it. Everyone's got to consent to what's going on. Literally. I mean... Literally. Also, this is not on the same level, but Joe Miller. Millionaire. They had bitches sucking dick in the woods because they thought this man had money.

That's true. Slurp, slurp. They fucking put it. I remember being a child being like, literally. What? Is that what sex is? What? You got to go in the woods.

But like, I'm sure that lady would not have sucked that man's dick if he didn't have money. Of course not. You know? But it was all, I mean, that was a time period where people were just lied to constantly. There was a show that got released one episode. It was on Fox. It's called Who's Your Daddy? Oh.

Do you know about this show? No. Who's your daddy? Who's your daddy? It's about a woman who's trying to find her biological father and one of them is her actual biological father. And then there's like a dozen men who all wore masks and they all are telling her that they are the father. And she has to guess who her daddy is. Honestly, that's fun.

Honestly, that's really fucking fun. That's really fun. Imagine all the memories you make with all your new daddies. So she gets to, like, hang out with daddies and, like, have daddy experiences? I mean, it could be fun, but there was a scene that I saw a clip where this poor woman was like, Daddy, you left me. You left me as a child. And this actor who wasn't her daddy was lying to her, and most tears running down his face being like, we were on drugs. And we had to give you up.

It was the hardest thing of my life. And it was the emotional manipulation of that show is crazy. One episode was released and they said... It is what reality television truly is an experiment on people because you can make them do whatever you want as long as you sleep deprive them, give them a bunch of booze, sequester them, don't let them have access to anything. I mean, even at the very beginning, you look at shows like Big Brother and Survivor, who I would say are like the big. reality TV shows, and they were marketed not as reality shows, but as social experiments. So it came from a more like, look at what we're making them do, but it's not weird. It's for sociology.

It's for science. And I love how it's been distilled to traitors where it's like, you're a traitor. How dare you say that about me? That show. It's the name of the fucking game. I think I would win it. I know you would. Would you play as a traitor or would you play as a fator?

or would you play as a faithful? I would love to play as a traitor. But I also think I'd be a very good faithful. You would be an incredible faith. I think I'd be very good at like sniffing out shit. Because I'm nosy as fuck. Yes. Okay.

Traders honestly is like, is like one of the only reality shows I would like want to be a contestant on. It would be so fun to see you on Traders. Yes. You get to wear cool outfits. Yes. Think about all the styles that you would bring. The looks, the effects

Come on now And while you I see it for you I truly do see it for you I like Okay Because of Ron Funches is doing This upcoming season

He is? Yes Of the traders Is it out? No it's coming It's like next year or something Are you spoiling or do he announce it? No no no it's out

The cast list was out of Oh okay Who else is on it? Monet is doing it Not crazy Monet is gonna kill Monet is gonna

lie straight to your face as a good friend as a very good friend. I am nervous about the way that they treat drag queens on the traders because like with, especially with peppermint and even Bob

too. I only watched Bob season. Great. The only season I've watched. And I feel like Bob really held their own. But like peppermone was done so dirty on her season. And like even with Bob, I feel like people were dismissing Bob a lot. So I'm

like, and also they only have one drag race person on the show. Whereas they had like 7,000 housewives. So they all of course lean into each other. So like I feel nervous for Monet, but I feel like Monet would turn it out. No, Monet's going to eat them alive. Either Monet will be the first one out

or she'll win. Here's hoping she wins a damn thing. I truly have seen her. There's a video of her with Trixie where she was like, you know Nicole's a drag queen. And Trixie's like, Nicole Byer? And she's like, yeah, Nicole Byer's a drag queen.

She's not a woman. And Trixie was like, really? And she was like, no, I'm kidding. Like. Okay, so the bitch can sway. She really can. She has literally looked me in the eye and said things. And then I have to like walk away and go, wait, no.

That's not true. Girl what? Girl what? That's a skill. It's such a skill. That's a skill. To just truly look at your friend without blinking and say, yes. Here's a lie.

My name's Thomas. And then go about your day. Your name is Monet. You're not Thomas. What's going on? What? Wait, let's talk about dating for one. Okay, fine.

Let's talk about dating for one second. So, I didn't know this. So, your first relationship started with a friend who suggested you started dating as a bit. Where are you reading this? And then you were together for seven years. Who told you this? This was printed out for me. Who?

Lindsay. Lindsay, my wonderful assistant. who is a fucking lifesaver. How does Lindsay know about this? Lindsay's great at research. Lindsay's great at everything. There's been times where I've made it to the airport and the plane has left without me, rude.

And I've been like, well, it's above me. Lindsay will figure it out. And she does. And she does. See, that's... She really does. Because that's tough to show up to the airport and be like, well, now what?

The last time it happened, where was I going? I don't fucking remember. Oh, Denver. I was flying to Denver and Delta started leaving five minutes early It's like they do this out of like habit And like people like me need those five minutes And I got there right at 15 minutes prior to departure

They if it didn't leave 15 or five minutes early I would have made it And I like rushed up to the counter And she was like sorry, door is closed And I was like, what do you mean? She was like we left early and I said, Why would you do that to me? And she went, I

It's not just you. There was like two other men She pointed at them. I was like, what am I supposed to do? Commiserate with these weirdos. So then I went to the corner, boo-hooed for literally 30 seconds. And then went above me. Yeah.

And then called Lindsay. It was like, help. Help. Because like, what are you going to do? Spiral? Yeah. It's not. It's outside of your control.

It's outside of your control. It is technically my fault that I didn't get their two hours. No, it's not. No, it's not. No, it's not. No, it's not. No, it's not. No.

It's Delta's fault because they left five minutes early. It's delus's fault. But I'm still a delta. Diamond Diva, love Delta, love Delta. I'm a United Unicorn. Wait, so you get to go to that like special Delta room? Only when you fly 360. What the hell does that mean?

Girl, get into it. What's 360? When you fly a fuck ton and I was, I was a 360 member before they had the lounges, which kind of sucks. What the hell? So right after Girl Code, or maybe it was like season two or three of Girl Code, I was touring like every fucking week. I was on a plane every week connecting flights.

Was that part of girl, like something that you had to do? Or were you just like, I'm... So colleges were like, come do stand-up. And I was like, I don't know how. My manager was like, figure it the fuck out. So I figured it out on the road. Wait, I'm sorry. That's how you got into stand-up?

Yes, it's the most roundabout way. Girl, what? I know. My second or third show ever doing stand-up was an hour of stand-up at Rutgers University. I think I did, to be fair, I think I did 45 minutes. Emily Heller was there. She's my comedy fairy godmother. I was like, you have to close the show.

You've been doing this much, much longer than me. You are a seasoned comedian. And she was like, no, they're here for you. You're on television. And I was like, I don't know what that means. All right. But then I learned it kind of gives you a pass to not really have jokes. Yeah.

So I would tour during the week at colleges. and do good to middling shows where I would get like pops for saying something from television or like a pop from saying X, Y, and Z from Girl Code. And then I would do shows in L.A. on the weekends, or maybe vice versa during the week. I don't know. When I was here, I would do shows and I had bombed.

And I'd go, but. Oh, that's crazy. And then I, like, I'm glad I have self-awareness because I was like, oh, there is a grace period where people will allow me to be bad just because I'm on TV, but I have to figure out how to tell jokes and how to be good for everybody.

And learning that on the road as a black woman. Damn. It was very, very hard because you think heckling's bad now. A black woman on stage for when you and your weird red sunburnt wife are like, I just want to be. to see the comedian that's here for the weekend.

They're always sunburnt. They're always sunburnt. Or their faces are white because their makeup doesn't match and their chest is a weird leathery coach bag. That's so true. That's so true.

And it's like you have the audacity to say what to me? What? I'm on stage. I got in so many fucking fights on stage with people because I was like, just listen to me.

I promise you'll like it. But yeah, that's how I started doing standout. That's great. I thought you were always a stand-up person. No. I did sketch and improv first. That was your gateway. Yes. And then Girl Code. And then stand-up. Yes. Whoa. Yeah. And it was

a real labor of fucking love trying to figure out how to tell a joke. I was going to say like you are a pro. You're like a master joke writer. Like Hey, thank you. I will never forget your flight attendant joke. It is the funny. It's literally the funniest thing I've ever heard in my life. But I'm like, that's a beautiful beautifully crafted joke. Thank you. You are so, that's crazy to me. That for you, it's like, oh, it didn't come naturally.

You had to work really hard. Yeah. Damn. When was a moment where you were like, I got this. I got it. I know how to do this. I don't think I've ever had that moment. Nicole.

I simply don't think I've ever been like, oh, I know exactly how to do. do this. Like, I know how to tell jokes and I know how to do my hour of material, but every show is different. Like, it was just in St. Louis. I had three shows. All of them were really, really fun and great. And the show that I had the most fun at, the last seven minutes were insane. There was this man who kept screaming and, like, just talking to me. And I do crowd work. I do crowd work at the top. I do crowdwork in the middle. If you want to talk, we can talk. There's a time for that. But it was. But it was. was very clear that it was not the time to talk. And he, I like ended the joke over here.

And I hear from this side of the room, don't look at me. And I was like, I have to turn my whole body to look at you. Who was looking at you? And then I said something else. And a lady in the front during a lull, like a transition, she was like, and that killed the mood. And I wanted to be like, bitch, so did you. So I literally said out loud. What is what this popcorning of people? I don't know. There's, there needs to be etiquette about. stand-up. I know. But I don't mind when people yell out things because

I can do it. It's whatever. Sometimes it makes it more fun but also you gotta know when to shut up. We're like if I say shut the fuck up twice, that's that's good. If I got to say it a third time, you're a fucking nuisance. Get them out of here.

No, I'll never throw anybody over the show. You've never done it. I have. You just have to dig yourself out of that hole. See, that's a skill that you need to I hate it damn it's too much

work I would rather have them stay and then throughout because if you interrupt me up top I have a pretty decent memory

I'll remember your name and 20 minutes later I'll say how are you doing back there you got more to say

and my favorite is when they're like he left and I'm like he jumped off a bridge or my my other favorite is getting their

name and then being like we hate you and then everyone and we'll be like we which facts you were in the show buddy but during the show in St. Louis

that I genuinely loved to that man I was like I have seven more minutes if you could just be quiet just shut the fuck up for seven minutes and then he was like okay and I was like no no no

that was talking that was none of that and then told another joke and then that lady was like and that killed the mood and I said two men I have two, two minutes, two, two. What I say to him goes for everyone. And then I get off stage and I'll go to the hotel.

And all of you can just sit here and have a nice time with one another. Could you imagine? If that's what y'all need, two minutes and I'm gone. And some people will be like, oh, maybe they're heckling because they don't like your material. And I'm like, no, no, they're like adding to it. They're like, yay. Or like, if that resonates. They paid, they showed up, they know your work, like, yeah.

You'd be surprised, though, when people didn't know my work, they would come and just be, like, a little rowdy. What's the psychology there? Oh, main character syndrome. Damn. Where, like, it's my night out with the girls. Oh, shit. So they're performing.

They're like, okay. Yes, everyone is performing. It's the same vibe as, like, you know, Bachelorette. at a drag show. Yes. It's like, I'm with my girls. It's my day. Let me show off a little bit.

Yeah. And I'm like, look at what I can do. And here's what you can do. If you want to have a moment, call up that venue. Oh, wait. Call up that venue. I've taken an improv class.

Call up that venue. Hi, it's my birthday. Can I have a special shout out from the performer that I love? Period. You can do that. Thank you. And then you sit. Oh, it's really easy to do.

that and you wait and you're and I'm not hurting anyone or affecting anyone's performance if anyone ever asked for that I did a proposal on my stage uh the live why won't you date me show in Chicago years and years and years ago did I want to no I was very single at the time and bitter you're covered in a toilet water at the time too Mars sorry how dare how dare Nicole was covered Mars was like I can't live you said even louder I can't okay you're You got a spill. You got a spill. What happened?

What happened? She was like, you will know about this. So I'll tell the story. Thank you, Mars. It's one of my favorite moments. It was in Talia Hall in Chicago. And I was doing, I think, High and Mighty or Doe Boys, and why won't you date me? And in between shows, I went to the bathroom.

You ever just having a nice time in the bathroom? Yes. I was having a time of my life. I wasn't shitting or nothing like that, a little tinkle. And then I had my legs crossed on the toilet and was swinging my legs like this. I'm sorry. What? I was like.

No. Like you were on a swing? Yeah. And I was like having a time. I don't even think I was drunk. And then. You were just viving in the bathroom. I get it.

The toilet broke out of the wall. I was propelled. Felt forward, toilet water is shooting out of the fucking wall. Nicole, there's no way that could have happened. It happened. It happened. And the foot it made. And I was just dead ass silent.

Just dead ass on the floor. And then I. You swung. You got propelled out. Did you land like on the floor? Yes. With like water just. Yes.

Shooting out at me. The toilet broke out. of the fucking wall and honestly I don't know if you could save it Mars with photo evidence Mars with photo evidence I can't believe how quickly you pull that up

it's in her favorites of course my god oh my God Nicole were you okay were you like her I wasn't hurt because a toilet's not that high up and I wasn't like propelled but like it was just like well But on that picture, is there toilet paper on the seat?

There is. I think I was like mid-wife. You were almost done. You were like, I'm about to get, five seconds later, you would have been fine. And then nobody told the venue, I said it on stage, and that's how they found out their whole toilet was broken. But honestly, I wish that was the catalyst for me to lose weight. And it wasn't. I kept munching.

I said, let me double down because I think I gained weight after that. I was like, what else can I break Fee-Fa-Fo fucking thumb? I, and then Gaboris and Mitch were like, we'll tell them we broke the toilet. And I was like, no, no, boys, stand down. I'll own this one. I want to be like, we're going to do.

Two little monkeys jumping on the toilet? What do you mean? you broke the, we broke the toilet. It was honestly the most chivalrous, chivalrous thing a man's ever done for me. That's quite nice. That's quite nice. We'll say we broke the toilet. Together?

We have to take one more break. So, you were in a relationship for seven years with a friend. Yes. You were doing a bit? Yeah, we were doing a bit. I thought it was a bit. I thought it was a bit. For seven years?

For seven years? No, no, no. This is at the very beginning. Okay. This is someone that I went to school with in college. And it was like the first, we've never dated men before. Oh. And we did not like each other.

Wait, what did you say? Gag or gay? I went, gay. I went, gay. No reason. Gay. Can I just tell you, when I knock on John Milheiser's door to his apartment, I go, gay. And I'm 100% sure his neighbors are like, The Menace is back.

Nicole the Menace. I mean, Nicole the Menace, they'll hear gay. And then they'll hear, like, The Sex and the City theme song for an hour. Oh, is that what y'all do? We once played the Sex and the City game. I'm sorry, game. There's a game. It's also.

Like a board game or a video game? It's a board game, but there's no board. cards with cards in a box what are the questions is it trivia it is trivia it'll be like what's the color of the shoe in the closet when uh oh that's from

the movie that's okay that's still part of sexes and yeah but I think it's just the series so you dated a friend for seven give it up no one cares but I want to know how did it

how did it wait okay So you started dating a guy after you thought he was following you home? Wait a who? Lindsay, how are you finding out that this is great? I don't think I've ever told anyone this story. Wait, really? Yes.

You don't have to share it if you don't want to. I mean, I could easily. This is a person I'm currently seeing. And we. I didn't know you were seeing somebody. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it was literally.

No. Okay. Because they're in the shadows. They're a vampire No, I was like walking We live very close to each other And I was walking And he was walking behind me for a very long time

And I was like I'm about to get killed By this man behind me And I was like You know And he was following me on his phone And I turned around and said Are you following me?

And he looked up and he's like What? And I was like, you're following You're following me? You're following me? What is that Charlotte? It's a giving Charlotte? That's giving a carry.

Oh, okay, fine. I'll accept it. I was being Carrie at the moment. And I was like, you're following me. And he was like, no, I live right there. And I've never felt stupider. And I was like, oh, I live right there. And then we got to talking and then we went on a date.

We've been together ever since. When was this? This was a year ago. Oscar, we're good friends and I did not know this. I don't really talk about relations. And you're not my only friend where I've found out they've been with someone over. One of my very, very good friends that I saw on a daily basis was dating somebody that I just had never met. And I think they were dating for like two years.

And I was like, what? Yeah. But I think that's a man thing. Oh, this is your friend is a man? Yeah. Yeah. For me, I don't like, I keep like my private, I mean, not my private stuff, private. Like, I don't care who knows.

but for me I'm like To me I'm like Who cares Fair Who cares if I'm seeing anyone or not You know I will say that like A big part of my personality

Was me being single forever Yes And now that's not a part of my personality The personality had to change I know She needed a personality I just know Now that's a shirt

Wow Fine Um Okay I do ask all my guests this so I'll ask you do you have any advice for single people yes live in it I feel like so much now that I'm on the other side of it there's so much like who am I if I'm not dating someone and then the search is always like I need someone to complete me or whatever it should be only

a boon for the person that you're seeing to be surrounded by your energy and I think this like quick grab of like, I need to not be single is an act of like maybe not feeling fully comfortable in yourself and your skin and not analyzing going deeper of like why this is an important time for you to reflect your singleness and like develop your own sort of like personality, your vibe as an individual. So then the person that comes into your life will only enhance your life, you know? Because nine times out of 10, you'll meet someone and you'll realize like, oh, this person didn't, like, solve my problems, you know? And if you're going into it because you're scared of being lonely, don't do it at all.

There's so much, there is so much joy in being alone that a lot of people are scared of. And I would say face that fear of being alone and come out the other side stronger. So be happy being single. I like that. Because it took me a very long time to learn how to be happy being single. And, you know, I don't want my relationship to end. I really like that nice man. Yes.

But if it ended, yes, I would be sad, but I wouldn't like immediately jump to another one because I'm like, I'm okay being alone. And also like now that you are in a relationship, what you offer to this nice man is like more than you could have ever offered if you didn't do that work. Oh, absolutely. Because the relationships I had before that. I would be like, ooh, how do I, how do I make you like me more? Literally. How do I make you like me? I do this.

And you're taking yourself out of the equation entirely. Your personality fades in order for you to keep what? A partner that likes a version of you that you're projecting, baby, that ain't it. It ain't it. I love it. It ain't. Wow. Jewish.

Jewish. Anyway, Oscar, we've come to the end. Do you have anything you want to promote? Yes. You can come see me, Mano Agapian, and Nicole Beyer, on November 15th at 10.30 p.m. at the Dynasty Typewriter. With Bad Drag Race, LA's crunchiest drag competition show. It's the finale. It's going to be a good time. cast is super stellar. I'm so excited for you to see the cast. They're great. I'm also very, very

who is Mark Rennie for the snatch game? It made me laugh. Oh, Truman Chipotle. Yes. Which is just. Also, Mark Rennie's in this. I love Mark so much. I've been trying to get Mark to do bad drag race for years and he's been very resistant. And then suddenly he's like, great, I'm doing it. My drag name is Queef counselor. And it's... And then made a track that was so fucking funny. And so good. Mark is so funny. Like Mark is one of the funniest people I've ever met in my life.

Ugh. An icon. Truly an icon. John Milheiser, he's done it a couple times as Miss Stakes. And he does a stomp. That's so funny. The steak stomp. Of course.

John, it's so fun to see friends that haven't done drag, do drag for the first time, and unleash a very powerful. side of themselves. Yes. It happened with Mark. It happened with John. It'll happen to you, too. It'll happen to you.

So do drag, please. So, yeah, that and then, you know, watch Mix. Minks is coming to Netflix in November. So watch Minks on Netflix. So you can get them residues. Baby, that's all I want. Oscar, would you date me? Of course I would.

Wow, fan. Well, that's it for this episode. If you like this episode of Why Won't You Date Me? You can like it. You can read it. You can subscribe. Give me five stars on Apple Podcasts. If you write me something nasty hitting on me to Why Won't You Date Me Podcasts at gmail.com, I will read it aloud. And please keep them short because y'all are writing novels and we don't have time for that. Hey, Nicole, you say that you're Garfield because you love lasagna and so do I. I fucking love lasagna and I was sick last Friday and I had made a reservation. to go get lasagna and I couldn't go because I was sick.

I cried. Anyway. Linguine makes lasagna. Shut up. But is it good lasagna? No, it's awful. It's Linguine lasagna. It's awful.

I've been jazzing him up with spices. The Linguines? I've been putting like garlic powder and onion powder in them. I didn't think that was allowed. I didn't think it was allowed either until I put some crushed fucking pepper it's something and I went, whoa, I think I'm onto something. Wait, that's actually crazy.

Who am I? Ratatoui? That's actually crazy because I'm like, the food sucks, but there's nothing I can do about it. I've been seasoning. I have seasoning in my house. I hope so. You're from Colombia. I really do love

when native Spanish speakers say Spanish words because it'd be like, I'm so hungry I could eat a quesadilla. No, that was wrong. I can eat a tamale. Yeah, you said, you didn't try to correct yourself by saying cassadilla. You just said a whole different other food. Because I didn't know how to say cassidia in a Spanish accent.

Hispanic? Spanish. Listen, what, okay. You're about Spanish a little. I'm a pekinio. A little. A little. A little.

Yeah, sure. Claro. Of course, in English. Of course. Oh, yes. Yes, you? Say, I'm about in Spanish. No, comprehend.

What did you say? Tell me something in Spanish. Oh. What do you say in the camisa that you have? My shirt says, wow, thank. But in Spanish. Oh, how do you say wild? Coza loca.

Coza loca. How do you say thank? Cosa. Cosa. Loca or Salvage. Loca or salbache. Loca oh, salvage. You said crazy or wild.

Which would be a fun shirt. I want to learn Spanish so bad. When I was in Mexico last, how am I learning it? By not doing a single fucking thing. But when I was in Mexico last, I was there for five days. And by the fifth day, I was like truly kind of understanding things. You have to immerse yourself. in there. Because of context.

Yes. We were in the car and the driver started yelling at these two female officers because they had pulled a car not fully to the side of the road and he was like saying shit, da-da-da-da-da-da. And then he rolled down his window to tell him what he thought and they were yelling back. And we drove away. And I was like, yeah, I can't believe they didn't pull that car further over. And he was like, you understand Spanish? And I was like, and I was like, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Just a barrage of. He was just like, la, la, la, la. No, no, comprehend, no, comprehend. Oh, la, hello. I'm in the middle of reading this. So let's pretend. Wait, that wasn't the end of the email? I told you, this episode's unhinged.

And I think I took my medication. So let's pretend we're two orange, sexy felines strolling down a dark and whimsical alley in Italy. Oh, Chabella. On a date where we dumpster dive our favorite five-star restaurants. I wish we had months. money i don't want to be an alley cat no in this case you're poor i'm poor in this fantasy once we get lucky and final wasted plate of our meaty cheesy saucy delicacy you will lay down on

your back where i will purr like the kinky gib i am and nibble at your spade what is gib i don't know it's capitalized a gig oh kinky gibb kinky gibb maybe gimp suit Gimpsuit? Wait, why is a cat wearing a gimp suit? Girl, I don't know. I'm trying to help this person out. Help? I don't know.

Stuffed and loaded little puss making you purr and purr. Then you'll flip over and let me lick your butt. Because after all, this nasty tomcat is only here for your pleasure. Okay, bye! From Mello, listener since the beginning. Mello, thank you for being a listener since the beginning. And thank you for this nasty little come on. I did have critiques, but I liked it.

Don't cats have, like, corkscrew penises? That's a duck. Oh, no. Cats have barbed penises. What? Yes. You're right. Ducks do have, like, a coiled penis, but cats have a barred.

So, like, when they insert themselves on a cat, like, it's the cat's trying to get out, and it won't. So that's why they've evolved to have barbed dicks. so that that's what's going to happen you know i'm glad i'm human and i'm glad that we're we're in a woke culture where wake me up i can't wake up where if i saw a barb dick i would go no and they would have to respect it or if corkscrews coming at me i would go no and they would have to respect it I think we should start going, no, no, no, no. Like a beserver, if you're like, can I have this and they're like, we're out of it, you go, no. They're like, okay, let's go buy this ingredient.

Whatever. Wow, thanks. Okay, goodbye. Oh, you've been listening to Why Won't You Date Me with me, Nicole Beyer. This show is produced and edited by Mars with executive producer, Anya Kenofskaya, it's engineered by Casey Donahue, with guest research by Lindsay Kempth. Our VP of Content at Headgum is Katie Moos, and our Thieve music is arranged by Mike Cometay. Ah, thanks for listening.

We'll be back next week with a brand new episode. See you then. Okay, bye-bye. That was a HeadGum podcast. What's going on? It's Lamorn Morris. And Hannah Simone. And we host The Mess Around,

a New Girl rewatch podcast now on Headgum. Now, here's the thing. Every single week, we chat about an episode of New Girl. And we really get into it. Like, we get up in there. We get up in there. You know, we reminisce about our times on set. We share behind the scenes tea.

We react to rewatching episodes that we haven't seen in years. We talk about how Jake Johnson is dog. That's not true. We talk about so many memories we have of working with the biggest stars on the planet. I'm talking Prince, Taylor Swift, Olivia Rodrigo. We're just two BFFs having a good old time, okay? Sometimes we even talk to other co-stars like Zoe Day Chanel, Jake Johnson, Max Greenfield, and Damon Wayne's Jr. And your dad. We talk to your dad on this show as well. Make sure you subscribe to the mess around wherever you

get your podcasts. New episodes drop every single Tuesday.