Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Kinky in Public (w/ Jessica Rothe)

Episode Date: May 14, 2021

Actress Jessica Rothe (Happy Death Day, La La Land) and Nicole discuss if it's OK to do kinky acts in public, the bizarre ways people are monetizing kinks, and the surprising reality of male escorting. Plus, Jessica describes her pandemy micro-wedding, and her major mic-drop "I love you" moment in her relationship. See Why Won't You Date Me LIVE May 25th! Tickets at live.nicolebyerwastaken.com Follow Nicole Byer: Upcoming Tour Dates: linktr.ee/nicolebyerwastaken Twitter: @nicolebyer Instagram: @nicolebyer Buy Merch: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/nicole-byer?ref_id=964 Nicole's book: www.indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Ooh, exciting news. We're going live. Come check out my new Why Won't You Date Me live podcast experience on May 25th at 8 p.m. Eastern, 5 p.m. Pacific. I'll be announcing a special guest very soon. And if you can't make it, guess what? The broadcast, ooh baby, will be available on demand for the week after. No, for a week up to a week after. Seven days after the 25th. You know, okay. Click the link in my bio for more details. Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me?

Why won't you date me? Please tell me why. Baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast where Mina Cole Byer tries to figure out how I'm still single, even though you could shit in my hat and say I didn't do it. I could shit in my hat and say I didn't do it. My guest today has been in movies and TV. Happy Death Day, Mary and Jane, La La Land and Utopia.

It's Jessica Roth. Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi. Hi, hi, hi. How are you today? You know, I'm great because this is definitely the highlight of my week. Like, I put on makeup. I got ready. I was like, I have an event on this Saturday morning.

So, you know, in the times of the COVID, it's just so delightful to have face-to-face even virtually interaction with anyone who's not my husband and my dog like it's a big step for me you know yeah i feel the same way although i did not put on makeup i was too busy uh just looking up Army. Is his name Arnie Hammer? Oh, Arnie Hammer, Cannibal Man. Yeah, so I haven't been following it. But I woke up, I was perusing Twitter, and it was like, he was dropped from his agency and his publicist. And I was like, for what?

And then I dug slightly deeper. I was like, oh, he's a cannibal? And I mean, I don't mean to laugh because apparently he did more than that and wasn't kind to people and abusive. But I was like, cannibalism in messages? Sir. It's kind of a Saturday treat for you. It's almost like you're getting to binge watch the drama of the past i don't even know i guess two weeks i have no idea how long it's been going on for it's been like maybe two weeks because i like was going back and seeing other tweets and then this one lady was like oh shit's gonna hit the a way to look at this.

It is. I mean, I guess the thing that's good about it is it shows that things that you say and do do have repercussions, which we just live in such a weird world right now where it seems like that's not what's happening all of the time. But everybody should just be nice to each other and not be crazy i agree and then if it's like if you do have a kink where you're like i would really like to message about like eating your toes it's like you got to ask that person if they're okay with receiving those messages exactly but because that's a big thing i mean i don't know much about um kink culture but i think that would be the number one rule right it's like make sure that i think that is the number one rule you're like that's not even a rule jessica that is the rule yeah i think uh because a while ago there was this lady

who had this she like walked into like maybe an ear wand i think i'm saying that grocery store correctly i have no idea i know exactly i've only went in once and i looked at a jar of almond butter and it was like 40 and i ran away because i was like i just can't i can't it's like this this can't be what is this like straight up from the earth and someone brought it they walked into the store and that's why it's 40 but uh this lady walked in with uh her submissive on a dog collar and there was like a bunch of people there being like oh no and then people were like i love this and then i like also retweeted that i loved it and then someone was like but the people there did not consent to watch their kink and i was like oh how interesting uh but then i was like

well how do you like get around a public fantasy kink i guess you like you you got to be like hey excuse me can we have sex right in front of you excuse me do you mind i'm just gonna over here like it's not in your way but like we need you to be here yeah I am always it's one of the reasons uh we were talking about this for a second before we started recording I am such a huge fan of your podcast and just in life and not only because you're brilliant and funny and so smart but also because I learned so much from every single episode um like I I genuinely learn new things. Like there, you had the episode with the sex worker and I, I learned more about sex work than I, in that like hour, then I probably have my entire life. Or even when you were talking with Tiffany Haddish about like mortgages and paying off your

home. I was like, this is like going to college. This is amazing. Well, I just think it's so wild that we send people off into the world and we're like, figure it out. Yeah. As opposed to like sex education in schools being like, here's like something you might enjoy. And there's a way to teach sex without being sexual. And then there's a way to teach finances without like, I mean, why not just spoon feed it to people like why I feel like the older generation's like I had to learn so they have to learn it's like well if you learned why don't you teach so then like my dad taught me like very loosely about money and the thing that really stuck is once it's gone Nicole it's gone so like that's how I live my life every purchase I make I'm like okay this is

$50 once it's gone it's gone will I be okay with the $50 gone and then usually the answer is yes I need more crock charms oh hey listen my rule of thumb is if every time I use it equals a dollar will will I have paid it off and usually it's yes or if every time I look at equals a dollar will, will I have paid it off? And usually it's yes. Or if every time I look at it, it brings me joy. And I think that's, you know, a totally fine rule of thumb, but yeah, I, it is insane. The things that we just don't, that you're expected to figure out on your own. My sister actually, um, is a sex education, sex education worker. That's not the word for it, but like she, yeah, she teaches sex education through a clinic in Colorado that's free for anyone under the age of 25. And it's been so amazing listening to her talk about the ways that she's trying to engage

with younger people and teach them about sex and, and help them to be open and make their own choices and be less judgmental. And the work that she does is really amazing. And I'm like, I play pretend slightly different, but we all have our own path. But I will say this.

I do think playing pretend is important because a, not everyone can do it. B, movies do bring people joy. And it is a nice escapism to be like, oh, I'm gonna sit down and watch, you know, a good movie. Like I just watched that Denzel movie. And I didn't know Jared Leto was in it. And I was like, Jared Leto, what are you doing here? I got so excited. So I don't know, that movie brought me me joy and i'm so glad they made it although the ending left a lot to be desired i won't spoil it but uh i got in trouble today for spoiling who went home on rupaul's drag race because i tweeted at 2 a.m about about it. I thought I waited long enough and the internet was like, you didn't.

Imagine you were at work late at night. And I was like, I used to do shows at night. I just stay off Twitter. That's the sad thing. Everybody just needs to learn a little self-control. If you haven't watched it,

don't go on the internet. Yes. Don't go on. I am now a proud, used to be guilty, proud watcher of the bachelor. I am part of bachelor nation, which is a horrible thing to say,

but it's true. And if I haven't seen it, I'm not going to click on like, Oh my God, shocking reveal. Like, just don't look at it. Have some self control.

Yeah. I just like stay off that little internet or if i'm like okay i'm gonna venture on i just know that it's going to be ruined for me like all the queens post their looks immediately after the east coast like airing so it's just like oh okay like we're not gonna even wait for the west coast i waited for the west coast i waited hours it was 2 a.m and i woke up to a bunch of people being mad at me. And I say, I don't care. You were being very respectful.

Because also, you want to share the joy. I try. The joy and the drama and the sadness. Right. You've got to share it. Yes. I was also watching this other documentary. Just to bring you back to sex.

But it's called Sex, the Untold Story. It's on hulu and it was really interesting because it was like uh the kinkier side of sex and this one lady i love her so much she figured out that people would pay her to like not get naked like she has an amazon wish list and people will buy socks from her and she'll wear the socks if you like the more you pay the longer she wears them she's like i have really stinky feet and i was like ew okay but i mean if that's you that's your thing that's your thing and then she wears them and then she sends them back to the men who bought them for her and she makes money on it and then she also people will buy foot shavings from her and i was like how did you figure that that is so specific

that is so incredibly specific i mean i guess if it pops into your head at any moment you it must be someone's kink somewhere and if it gets you off it probably gets them off too i mean i don't even know if she gets off on it and the interviewer was like foot shavings and i was like lady calm down you probably like you know petty egg your feet for free like like i did it the other night i got this little foot thing because uh i don't know i don't get pedicures anymore yeah and then i was like oh this foot dust is so gross and then i was like this lady bottles hers up and sends it on it makes money that's i need to watch this documentary i thoroughly enjoyed it she's great her husband also does scenes with her and he's just tired

oh and she's married she's married and he at one point is like i wish my wife and i could have sex without having to make it a monetary thing and i was like i wonder if like my comedian friends feel the same way they're like i wish i could have a conversation without recording it for a podcast i laughed really hard about that thought when i was watching i had to like pause it in it for a podcast. I laughed really hard about that thought when I was watching. I had to like pause it. It's really funny. Oh.

And then there's a male escort on it who I'm obsessed with. Yeah. His name is Troy. I follow him on Twitter and he messaged me. I'm going to read you the message. So Troy, I do think, is in love with his mother. He might hear me say this. I don't know if he listens, but he and his mother have a

very close relationship. She helps him pick out the pictures he posts on his website that he uses to escort. That's a different kind of closeness. I'm not saying it's wrong that his mother knows about it, but I'm like, yeah, picking out pictures. That's that's interesting.

Yeah, I would not have my if if that was my profession. I get weird even about having my mom help me pick out like headshots or audition tapes like i can't even go there and it's not even he um being sexually provocative i don't maybe he's not in the photos i don't know i haven't seen them well there's one where he's shirtless in the snow or his shirt's open he's in the snow and he's wearing a cowboy hat and she was like oh this one he was like yeah because it's it's weird that i'm in the snow shirtless and i was like not only is they picking up pictures he's like explaining these pictures to his mother it made me it brought me joy this man brings me so much joy his instagram is so much fun and i followed him on twitter and

then he messaged me hi hello nico. Your follow today came as a welcome surprise. I'm familiar with your comedy work and I think you're wonderfully funny. I appreciate your support of escorts, especially appreciate your support of what I'm trying to do for women. And I was like, I do support escorts. I love what you're trying to do for women. Yeah. And then they show him on a date with a woman.

And it was so it was interesting to me because i was like oh this kind of like destigmatized it for me if i ever decide to like you know pay for an escort or whatever yeah all they did was like pretend to be a couple she like called him babe she was like babe we've never made this before he's like no babe no we haven't i was like huh she's like yeah i've been seeing him for like a year and And I was like, oh, this is like actually rather wholesome. Yeah. Like they just like made dinner together. And I was like, this is so cute that this woman is paying for exactly what she wants. And then he goes away and she doesn't have to go.

Does he like me? Is he thinking about me? It's like, no, he like he's going off to live his life and he'll think about you when you call. And I was like, this is good for some people. I like like it it's what they want on their terms and on their time and i think that's super empowering and that's beautiful that he that it's beautiful that he provides that service and provides the service that the women want as opposed to providing whatever service he would want or think that the women want like that is that's really lovely it is lovely but then then there's one scene where his mom is like he's like we gotta get you into a

house you know you're tired of all these stairs and she's like yes but they're too expensive and he's like i gotta make more money to buy my mom a house and i was like i mean i guess that is a lot of kids dreams but it just sounds wild to be like i'm escorting to buy my mom a house and i guess i shouldn't laugh but i like it was just so funny to me but then i was like oh i guess like that's what everybody does they like try to work enough to make enough money to like buy their parents something it just happens to be he's escorting i just love troy so much he makes me oh i love him he sounds like a true gem of a human being he is i'm excited to see this cowboy picture oh it's perfect i feel like it's a colorado girl it's gonna it's gonna do something for me i will send you his website i don't feel i feel weird

like saying it on the podcast because i don't want him to get like but maybe that would be good for business i just don't want him to have to like but maybe that would be good for business. I just don't want him to have to like, like sift through joke stuff because people think they're very funny. People do think they're very funny. And usually they're not. Yeah. So honestly, if you Google the name of the documentary in Troy, and if you're serious, you can find his website.

I would say hit him up. He seems like a really he's i like him so much that's amazing i hope that you guys get to have coffee one day oh me too maybe i'll have him on the podcast you should definitely have him on the podcast oh my word i certainly cannot afford his rate, though. It's he's rather expensive. I think it's like six hundred dollars for an hour or like maybe three hundred dollars for an hour. Damn.

Maybe I'll spring for it. Maybe he'll give me a discount because it's virtual. Yeah, that seems right to me. And it's and it's promoting his business. It is promoting his business. And I've been trying to get more sex workers on because I think their lives are just so interesting. Also on this documentary, there was a woman who specialized in lactating.

So she had a baby and she was breastfeeding. And then I guess a client, they don't really explain how she got into her. I assume a client asked if she was still lactating. She was like, yes. So now she just specializes in that. And I was like, wow,

what a beautiful little niche market you have there. And then one of her clients comes over and he's like talking about it, but then he gets like very, not embarrassed, but I think he gets nervous. And then she, at one point I was like, we're done. And I was like, Oh, I like, I love that. She like protected him in a way. I don't

know. I was just like, I, I like things that humanize sex work in a way where it's like, not all of it is dark and grim and like troubled. Some of it's like a treat. Some of it's a dream. Some of it's nice and fun. Yeah. Well, and I think it's when you can see that they have genuine relationships with the people that they're working with. And sometimes it's a one-off thing and it can still be lovely and wonderful, but that a lot of them have ongoing relationships with these clients and that it services both people, that it's not so one-sided. And that it services both people.

That it's not so one-sided. Because I think that a big kind of stereotype around sex work is that it is incredibly one-sided. And it is incredibly, the power balance isn't equal. And so I love when people stand up for what's right for them. But also provide a service. And they're really proud of it. I think that's awesome. Oh my god, did you watch the documentary? Because one of the girls basically says that really yes she was like it is not one-sided we do have a

relationship and i yeah that was i thought it was very elegantly put how beautiful you've away with words oh well thank you i try i try i feel like through covid my way it's like I'll have spurts of being incredibly eloquent about like one thing and then it all just turns to dribble because again I am only interacting with my dog and making like baby noises at him which is great but you know yeah I it's so funny to go online and be like okay so a lot of people are just living they're just having a nice time and it's like i've been inside i do nothing i just don't want covid like selfishly like i know it's like oh you can pass it by being asymptomatic but i'm like oh i just don't want it i have yet to see a fat person be like i got it i'm fine i'm thriving like where's chris christie like he's

not talking about how he's thriving you know like and he got money so i'm gonna stay inside i think we should all stay inside but i also don't think you need to compare yourself to chris christie i think that's not fair to you chris christ, we're little twins. Yeah, it's wild. And in LA, it's just wild right now. And people just, I'm just excited for when we get to herd immunity or vaccine immunity or whichever one comes first. I'm excited to hug my friends. I can't wait to go to a wine bar and sit outside and like drink a glass of wine. I can't wait to go like on a plane and travel somewhere and be very like even I'm like, I'll go to Utah.

I'll go to like Ohio. I don't care. Also like Italy and France. I will not go to Ohio. Goodbye. But I think I'm going to keep wearing a mask on a plane because I have been wearing a mask regularly. That word was hard. But I haven't gotten sick this year. Usually I get sick like twice a year.

I haven't gotten sick. Yeah, me too. And then usually when I get off a plane, I'm like a little under the weather for like a couple days. But I flew to Oklahoma in November to shoot something truly for like a day. But I like didn't get sick and I felt great when I got off the plane. And I was like, I think it's the mat. I think I think they help a little bit. So I'm going to I'm going to keep that after the pandemic.

Do it. I mean, we all have so many of them now. Yeah. Yeah. i have a ton i do think there are probably some good habits that will all emerge from this with some really bad ones also hand washing uh wearing a mask not getting up in people's faces when they don't want you to. I rented a pottery wheel. So I've been doing the pottery. Wait, tell me about this. It's amazing, Nicole. Is it at your house? No, my husband opened a woodworking school right before COVID started, which was great timing. They're actually doing fine. It's just been crazy

because they run a business, but he also is so worried about numbers. So they've shut down classes and they're trying to kind of be respectful, but also not to go bankrupt. So I put the wheel in his woodshop for the first couple of months of the pandemic, because there was no one there. And I had a couple classes there's an amazing pottery studio near my house called pot and I took like the first two intro courses so I knew kind of what to do but then I just got to go and futz around and make things with my hands which as you know as a creative like we we work so hard but you don't necessarily have like a tangible thing to show for your work at the end of the day so it's incredibly gratifying and I I'm better than I was I'm not good yet but I'm trying to just become more consistent with my pottery throwing I love this

also let's normalize not being good at everything. Yeah. Because I pole dance because it's a tangible thing where I feel creative. I haven't done it since November because I fell down my stairs. Bye-bye. I heard you hurt your foot through your podcast because I'm a stalker. But how is it? Is your cast gone? Cast is gone.

So I've been in a boot. My boot is essentially gone. So I can like drive again, walk again. I just have to wear the boot if I like get a job and I have to be on my like a foot for hours at a time. So I'm just in a compression sock right now. And I think and I did a little bit of yoga yesterday. sock right now and I think and I did a little bit of yoga yesterday and I was like I think I might be able to do some like easy pull stuff and I'm very excited to get back into it because

like working with my hands or doing something creative doesn't like replace acting and stand up but it makes me feel better and it's been a real journey from the end of november to now not being able to do a thing oh yeah i've had those lulls even being able to do a thing even being able to go use the pottery wheel there have been times where i'm like what am i doing with my life everything is a trash right now. I'm so depressed and I want to just sit on my couch and stare into space just because man, this past year has been crazy, but I'm so glad that you're going to be able to go, go back and pull dance your bliss away. Me too. And I had a skate gang, but I don't think I'll be able to roller skate for a while so I started a sewing club really?

yes jeans or like embroidery well my friend Meatball who is a drag queen who I keep talking about I'm like I already like I texted Meatball a while ago and I was like I'm gonna make you my best friend okay deal with it

but Meatball sews and has a sewing machine and I was like I'm gonna make you my best friend okay deal with it but um me ball sews and has a sewing machine so I asked her which machine I should get and he told me so I bought it and then I was like but I don't know how to use it and then my friend Sashir also has a machine so we're just gonna like wear masks and learn how to make tote bags and learn the basics and I'm so excited about it I love love that. I was like, if we're inside for longer, or I could just take days to myself and alter clothes and like it'll be a nice therapeutic thing to do with my little handsies. My best friend and I have started tie dyeing old bed sheets and turning them into bandanas for dogs. I love it.

Yeah. It's my best friend, Alice, who actually is the one who introduced me to your podcast. But for her birthday- Did I meet Alice? I think you did. Did she come to set? On Delilah. Yes, you did meet her.

She's very sweet. She's amazing. She's super sweet. She is in casting, but also has many other interests and things that she is amazing at like being a wonderful friend and an amazing tie-dyeer and last year for our birthdays we both were so sad and out of whack and I was like I'm gonna do a camp day like let's just get some tie-dye and go outside in my backyard and turn things bright colors and it's stuck and it's something that we like to do now kind of like your sewing club it's like we have no idea what we're doing but

at the end of the day we have like a beautiful thing that I that would delight a five-year-old which is all I really aspire to I love that and I feel like more adults should kind of not like dig and find your inner child. But like, if you have a whim where you're like, Oh, I want to do this. I don't think anyone would want to literally text your best friend. They'll probably be like, Yes, I'll do this thing with you. Yeah, especially the dumber the better. That's my jam. Like whenever someone has a dumb idea. I'm like, Oh, that sounds stupid sounds stupid yes let's fucking do that shit that's probably what makes you an amazing like best friend and wing woman because i think it's being a good friend is like 90 enthusiasm i'm like a hundred percent enthusiasm i like boats and i went on vacation with my best friend and we were in Mexico and she was like do you want to ride in a speedboat and I was like yes I want to ride in a speedboat she was like okay I want to ride in a speedboat so we sign up to ride in speedboats and then they're like you drive these

speedboats so we were like what we don't know how to drive boats but I was like let's do it do you want to do it do you want me to do it and she was like I'll do it and it was the scariest experience of my life it was just these birds were so tiny and they were like come on we're going faster and I was like you have to go faster and then when we got out we were like we almost died but it was so much fun and I'm like so glad i supported the idea it didn't go we shouldn't do this because we ended up being fine yeah and now you have an amazing story see i i'm a little bit of a scaredy cat when it comes to some things so usually i need a little prodding but alice is amazing with that where she'll prod me just enough that i'll be game for it. But we've never ended up in a situation that I've regretted

yet. It could still happen. It probably will. It could happen. But honestly, I don't think I don't think you're going to regret anything fun that you do. Yeah. After the COVID, we just got to go do all the things. that's what i plan on doing i plan on truly just getting wild like i can't wait to be drunk in public again which sounds insane but i like being like wine drunk and finding a new friend at a restaurant like i just i miss people i miss meeting random people or having random interactions with people who I do not specifically set time aside to see or talk to you know yeah you just like run into people although yesterday on or was this two days ago I think who knows days run together but Nicole's big day out I went to

the doctor and I could like finally drive myself there so I drove myself there got out of the car put my little boot on to cross the street and this lady was like did you have bunion surgery and I was like no and she was like what happened so I told her what happened she's like ow that seems harder than bunion surgery and I was like okay and then literally everywhere I stopped people had to talk to me. I was wearing rainbow pants. So like maybe that's my fault. It was like big color blocking colors. So I think people were like in a hot pink shirt.

People were like, I have to talk to this very loud woman. And then I got home and my neighbor was outside with her kid. And she was like, hi, how are you? Why are you wearing a boot? So then I had to tell her. And then this old lady walked by and she's like hi i like your pants i was like thank you so much like truly everywhere i went people like excuse me i have something to say but like it felt nice it was nice to just like

talk to people and you gave people that gift yes thank you quick. We have to take a break. And we're back. Okay, Jessica, I have a question. You are married. I'm married. How long have you been married? We got micro wedding in September. so this month will be five months congratulations thank you okay what what on earth does micro wedding mean what is so what it means is we had a big old 180 200 person wedding planned for last last July, which obviously did not happen because of the COVID. And Eric, my amazing, wonderful husband and I sat down and we kind of thought it through and we were like, okay, we know people who were supposed to get married and have pushed their weddings. And then we also know people who have eloped and like, what version of this do we want to do? And we decided, we don't know when this pandemic is going to be over. And we, we've been together a really long

time. We have been dating at that point for almost seven years. And we were like, we just want to get married. Um, but it also felt important to us to have the core people who really supported our relationship and have been like a big part of our lives throughout it present. So we whittled it down to a very tiny COVID friendly number and we got married in my parents' backyard in Colorado in the mountains. And it was like, honestly, it was so perfect. I wish we could have had a huge dance party and everyone we knew there. And of course I wish that our like five guests that were there didn't have to wear masks,

but I am so the day was just so perfect. I remember everything. I remember every conversation with every person because I wasn't like dealing with an entire 200 person party and worrying about the lights and the music. And like, if aunt Gertrude had found the place to sit, that was especially a design for like weddings are just so stressful, um, for so many people. And they tell you that I think people told me that when I was planning, I was like, yeah, but I'll be different. And then planning wedding is the worst. So I think we'll have a giant party. Once everyone is vaccinated, we're going to invite everyone and their mother and just have a giant party. And I want everyone to get really drunk

and just lick each other and hug and dance and sweat. But the amazing thing is we were able to Zoom a bunch of people in. So, I don't know. Technology is amazing. It was great. Oh, that sounds sweet. I'm glad that you were able to have your wedding and have, you know, people there on Zoom, people there in person. Like, it sounds sweet and safe and nice.

Yeah. It was really special. Thank you. I'm so happy about it. He is just the bee's knees. I like him quite a lot. He's very sweet. I met him at the table read.

You did. He thought, I don't know if you remember this but you i guess you guys were sitting together and there was a lull in the conversation and then you turned to him and you were like so i just learned the jewish people aren't white and he he still brings it up and he thought it was the funniest thing in the world and he told me later and i was like yeah well i'm half jewish and i'm the whitest person i know so i i agree with nicole on her confusion of that point um but yeah i feel like everyone who's ever met me it's like you said something wild the first time i met you. That's so funny. There was just a wall and I was like, hey!

Oh my god, that's really funny. And Eric, I think Eric is one of the funniest people I know. He's not a comedian, but I find his humor and the way he looks at the world really delightful. And he only thinks I'm funny when I'm not trying so for him to

find someone who's a comedian who like actively you don't try to be funny you just are funny because you're a funny person but I think that like it's high compliments coming from him because he's he can be a harsh critic oh okay

I love it he told me about his accident with his finger and i can't even remember how it came up i think i was just like oh what happened do you mind and he's like i don't mind and i was like oh no that sounds awful and he's like i'm fine though and i was like ah yes if you are calmly telling me that you are fine, you're fine. Yeah, he really, that happened. So we dated, we met in New York. We met through my ex, which was it. Wait, how does that happen? So I was dating a narcissistic sociopath.

You know, one of those ones. Okay, so a good fun rollercoaster time. It was really healthy for me. You know, one of those ones. Okay, so a good, fun rollercoaster time. It was really healthy for me. I felt really good about myself all the time when I was around him. There were no, like, weird sexual encounters that were scarring. Of course, of course. It was a ball.

But, I mean, ultimately, I hope this human being who is marrying out, like, I hope the best for him. I hope that he is in a better place. I think also, ultimately, we just weren't supposed to be together. But so Eric, my current husband and this person were up at a place called Williamstown, which is like a theater festival thing together. And so I met Eric when I was going up there and we just became really good friends. And I, I do have, I, or not anymore. I had a tendency to date my friends. So we became really good friends and the narcissistic sociopath broke up with me because I confronted him about cheating on me. And so he, yeah, it was one of the, it was good. And he was like, okay, so maybe I cheated, but you gotta go. Yeah. And I believe that was the sad thing is at the time I believed it. Like I, I believe that I was the person who had messed up our relationship and the situation. And I was desperate for him to kind of see that the error in his ways and that I was the one for him. Thank goodness that is not what happened. But Eric and I over the next year became really close. And there was just this day where we were hanging out in his

apartment and we were going to go and meet up with friends. And he said something and I turned to look at him and my eyes turned into heart shape emojis. And I was like, oh my God, I'm in love with this person, but it can't be because it's complicated with my accent. I got to go. And so I avoided him for two weeks. And then we both admitted to each other that we had a little crush and we dated for a couple of months, but I had decided I was going to move to LA. So we dated long distance while I was living in LA for almost five years, which was brutal. Damn. That's so long. How did you make the relationship work, being long distance for five whole years? That's a long time. It's a really long time. We made an effort to see each other every month, two months.

Like we tried not to let more than three months go by. And we were lucky that at the time between the jobs I was booking and like his work, we were able to do that. But honestly, it was a lot of communication, a lot of fights. I truly think in some ways for us, the distance was a really healthy, helpful thing in our relationship because I'm a big person for like, whatever you're doing, I'll jump on and like your friends are my friends and I can, I don't have to do my stuff. I'm so, and was so eager to kind of just completely osmosis into whoever, whether it was a friend or a boyfriend, whatever that, that I was like, your life is definitely more exciting

than mine. Let's forget my life that me living in LA by myself, but being in this relationship required that I really find out what I wanted to do and who the people I wanted to spend time with were. And I could go out with my friends, but not worry about like trying to find a guy. Like it just ended up being a really, a really healthy, I think, growing experience for me personally. But yeah, long distance sucks. I'm so glad we're not doing it anymore. I fucking love that. Like what what a how old were you do you mind me asking is your age on the internet it is on the internet um it's only on the internet because at one point i was listed as being like 48

and and someone went on to change which I thought was really funny because I was like, obviously I'm not. And this was like years ago. It wasn't even now. It was years ago. And then they went and changed it and they put my real birthday up. And then we all freaked out because heaven forbid, I freaked out as well.

It wasn't even a free one, but like people are so weird about age, especially for women in this industry. But like people are so weird about age, especially for women in this industry. And unfortunately, it's like typecast you out of stuff, which it just shouldn't. And it's I think it's total bullshit. It's fucking rude. And then, yeah, IMDb refuses to remove your birthday. Yeah.

And I think it's like it's like age discrimination in the workplace because they can just look up how old you are on imdb and then go oh she can't play 18 she's 30 and it's like yeah but you were like looking at me for it yeah and you you obviously and also because there are 18 year olds and i don't think i should play 10 anymore but there are 18 year olds who look older than me yes i mean there's a whole group whole group of Kylie Jenner's who look like they're 40 when they're actually 20 and a lot of 40 year old, like the girl, ah,

shit. One of the girls from high school musical, not the Tisdale, not the Hudgens, the one who wore headbands. I can't remember her name, but she's like, she's 40 now and looks like she's 20.

And I'm like, guys, age is truly nothing. Like you have, like let it fucking go yeah that's why i asked i was like god forbid i like age out you on this podcast and then it's everywhere no it's it's out there um i think when we started dating when i moved to la maybe i was like I don't even know the numbers. I'm going to miss like 25. Oh, okay. So I had been through, but also the guy I had dated before was like the only real adult dating relationship I had been in. And I had dated him for almost three years, three or four years. And then when we broke up, I did a couple months in New York of like, I'll date anything that moves. And I like went on blind dates and I asked people for numbers at the bar. Like I was just like, I just want to have experience.

You were going through it. Wait, I've never been on a blind date. Do you just like show up and then like ask around? Like, are you my date? Are you my date? How does a blind date work? We did the thing where we were like, he was was like i'm wearing an orange shirt type of thing okay i played by the blind date rules and i did not look up this person because we were set up by a friend and i i was

like i'm not gonna google him i want it to be a blind date i want that experience and he totally had googled me and i was like then i i get it but also like where's the fun like let's have it be totally mysterious right yeah i try okay when i go on a date with someone i don't google i like i just like will find their instagram be like what do you look like in different pictures so like i know what you look like when i see you but i try not to like find out too much information that's when we start dating and then I will find your ex-girlfriend to see if she looked like me or better I will find out who your friends are so when I get to meet them I already know what they're telling me yeah well you have to it's like I have to like you enough to warrant the amount of time i'm going to spend virtually

stalking you like that's just it i have to be invested in some some way because time is money but time is money who proposed to who you proposed to me I was actually completely surprised only because we were in a, we still are in a really good place. We were in a good place. Now we're not. I don't like him, but. I don't like him. We were just in such a good place that I wasn't thinking about it. I knew he was my person. I knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life or a significant amount of time with him. We, you know, it's nice. We have very similar kind of life goals and things that we want. And so I knew that all of those

things matched up. And honestly, I had known that from back when we were friends. Like, I think it's one of the reasons that we ended up dating and that distance even worked is because we knew that the visions we had for our lives were very similar in a lot of ways. But so he, my grandmother had passed away and I had inherited her wedding ring. and I had inherited her wedding ring. So my mom had kind of like sneaky, not so sneaky gone up to him at Thanksgiving and been like, hey, so if you want the ring, it's yours. Like if you want to propose with this ring and he was like, I was actually going to ask you about it.

So he did it on New Year's Eve of 20, I guess it would be 2018. And my whole family was in on it and he proposed in the woods behind my parents' house, very close to where we ended up getting married. And he made a ring box out of a piece of an Aspen tree and put it in there. And our dog was there and he had like hot chocolate hidden. It was so cute and very personalized for me which I think is what makes a good proposal um and we both cried a lot and he apparently was super nervous I was nervous too because I I was pretty sure I knew what was happening um so I just started asking him really

dumb I was like what tv shows did you watch when you were a child like i just verbal vomiting and like talking about salute your shorts for no reason it was very silly but it was it was incredibly special and i feel very lucky to have found him he is a very good kind of balance for me he balances me out which is nice i love this does he have any friends or siblings for me he does not have any siblings all of his friends at the moment are in relationships or people that we just wouldn't even bother sending your way because there's a real reason that they're single yeah that's the answer that i get almost every time i ask somebody they're like everyone's either married or they're single for a reason and they're bad nice friend but bad at dating yeah yeah and he because he's he's he's a new york boy but he also is a texas boy

which is one of the reasons he got he has those sweet manners but also means that everyone he went to high school with was married when 18 yep they like immediately left high school and was like babies in marriage that's what we gotta do yeah which is not my jam that's so wild to me i'm i'm surprised by that nicole that you didn't that's not what you wanted um try to believe this uh hang on to your hats but i'm not looking for kids in a marriage i just truly couldn't imagine a child like making my house sticky i would be so upset to be like you did this and i can't like ask you to leave you know it's like you make a mess and then i have to clean it i'm actually excited for it because i'm excited to laugh at dumb shit my kids do and also to laugh at them when they're being assholes

but you have to pretend that you're mad because you're like i have to i have to show you this is bad but then you get to go into the closet and laugh my mom used to tell she did that all the time she would hide in her car and listen to npr um when she was maxed out by us i didn't discover it until years later i like that but i think that's incredible to be like okay these fucking kids i've had it this is not fun for me this is awful i'm gonna just sit in my car and have a nice time by myself yeah everybody needs a time out I agree um I have another question about your relationship yeah so who said that I would like to be in this relationship first like who like when I feel like when you date there's like a little period where you're like I don't really know what this is I don't know if this is like serious when did it become serious yeah that's such a good question

or was it serious like right at the job it wasn't it was not because he made it very clear he was like i don't want to be in a relationship we probably shouldn't even be dating each other i he had gotten out of a serious thing not long before and needed some time and i was like oh totally i don't want anything serious either, which was a complete lie. I was just like, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm cool. I'm cool being super casual. And I had to have the first conversation of my adult life where I was like, Hey, so, um, I mean, I know we're not like together together, but are you sleeping with other people and if you are are you being safe because i just need to know for me and i i had never because i had only been in committed

relationships i had never had that conversation which of course everyone should feel empowered to have but i was very nervous about it um but i think when our relationship, I guess it was me because we, I had decided to move to LA and I was supposed to come back and visit him. And we were like, kind of together, but not, but I booked a job in new Orleans. And so I was supposed to fly from Colorado. I actually don't know if my parents know this story, so they may be figuring this out on the podcast. I was supposed to fly from Colorado to New Orleans. Um, but I told my parents they had booked my ticket out of New York and I couldn't change it. So I had to go to New York and then go to New Orleans, like New York for 24 hours. And then New Orleans, because I was like, I'm going to go and I'm going to tell Eric that I love him. I'm just going to do it because I love him and I have to see him.

And so I flew to New York and told him that I loved him and then like got on a plane and went to New Orleans the next morning. And it was delightful. Luckily, he said it back because that would have been a big gesture. He was like, yeah, about that. And a real financial hit for you to be like, okay, so I booked this ticket to New York. I'm going to say I love you. And he's like, sorry about it. And you're like, okay, cool.

Especially if you flew first class. My God. I did not. I mean, luckily, I already had the New York ticket booked. I just didn't change it, which I could have done. And I, I see. I see.

But yeah, maybe that's the key to it because I keep, I'm like trying to figure out because every time I've told a man that like, I like them and I'd like this to be a thing. They are like, huh? Okay. Actually, no, no thank you, goodbye. So then I came up with this theory

that I would die before I told a man how I feel. And I was working with John Cena, who is one of the nicest, kindest, like intuitive people I've ever met. Like he's very intuitive to people. That's amazing. Yeah, and it was like, I didn't know what to expect. I was like, oh, he's very intuitive to people um that's amazing yeah and it was like i didn't know what to expect i was like oh he's like a very famous person who's like a former wrestler i was

like and he's like muscly we might not get along but i like just we would talk for hours and not hours like but like in between setups and stuff it would just be like wow we're really getting into this but he was like nicole you have to tell a man how you feel. You can't just play a game where you're waiting for them to say what they want to you. If they don't want to be with you, you have to get out of it. You're worth it. And then I was like, is John Cena going to make me cry on the set of Wipeout? Luckily, she didn't cry but uh maybe the key to telling a man how you feel is going i love you and then getting on a plane and leaving yeah he got to think about it on his own i because i i did like a big mic drop i didn't even think about it at the time but it was

it was like the biggest mic drop there ever there ever was but yeah i don't know i i'm a big advocate for telling people how you feel because i'm also a super squishy feely person but i do think because like i said when eric and i first started dating he was very upfront about like i'm not interested in a big thing i like you a lot but like this is just a fun thing um so if i had told him i loved him then it probably wouldn't have worked out but i mean who knows i how long were you together before you said i love you a couple months at least i mean maybe maybe almost we had known each other for at least a year and a half and we had been dating for maybe we started dating in the summer and I told him in like November okay November December but yeah

I don't know relationships are hard they are it just is true and navigating them initially is really tricky and I I think with any other human in the world than Eric, I would have never made it through five years of long distance. I just got lucky that I decided to do that with the person who ended up being my person. And that we were both willing to work for it, you know? You're also like just a cute couple. You're just like two nice people. Because when I met him, I was like, oh, he's so nice. And when I met you, I was like, oh met him I was like oh he's so nice and then I met you I was like oh she's so nice everyone's so nice here we're very nice and wholesome we'll probably end up like living in a tree house in Portland somewhere like feeding

birds and making pottery and like making things out of wood and you know I mean the longer I'm inside the more I'm like I think I'm okay with that like not being super busy all the time and taking time for myself my therapist was like we're gonna long for parts of this pandemic and I was like get real Mary but then like the more I think about it the more I'm like oh yeah I guess I will miss like the lulls because I'm not built for like that. Like when work starts, like I love working. But like I think in the future I'll be like, well, let me take like a week for myself or a weekend or something and do something solely for me. I want to try pottery. You really should try to pot.

I don't know if they have classes back yet. I mean, I'll teach you. I'm a bad teacher, but no, I think that's such a good, it's something we should all keep in mind. Cause I'm the same way. I love working and I get like work blinders on and you, especially, I don't know if I realized until we were on set together. I was like, oh shit. we were on set together, I was like, oh shit, Nicole is like producing her life. I think stand up comedians have to be like their own producers because you're writing your own material. You're booking your own stuff. You're dealing with your schedule. You also are doing like your podcast, nailed it. And like a million different things. And you are the producer of your own life. And I think a lot of creatives are. And so it's hard to not always have something on your to-do list that feels pressing and feels vital, especially when you've hustled so hard to not always have something on your to-do list that feels pressing and feels vital, especially when you've hustled so hard to get where you are. But I do think it's so self-care

is so important. And I'm, I'm preaching to the choir and I'm saying the, not that I'm saying the words that I should be saying to myself, because I'm like yesterday, I just finished. I wrote the first script i've ever written which was very scary congratulations that's fucking hard man oh wait really hard like you get an idea and you're like oh my god there's gonna be a treat it's gonna flow out of me and then you get in front of your computer you're like what's a word i don't know what's dialogue how do i write these people different than the way I speak yeah and how do I like move plot along but not make it just about plot and it needs to have layers and be funny and

approachable for more than just me like I want more people than just me to enjoy this um it's so hard I have so much respect for anyone who's ever written anything whether or not it's ever been like produced or published or like good for you. Cause man, it's so hard. But so I finished and we're kind of in an in-between place with it. And yesterday I was in, I was just like, I did like yoga in the morning and worked out a little bit and like walk the dog. And I was like, Oh my God, what am I going to do with my day? And it really freaked me out. And I told Eric when he came home and he was like, that's okay.

You can be okay with the fact that you did nothing. And I was like, but then what have I done? Like, I'm so, I'm not cut out for it, but it's good practice. It is. Have you worked any during COVID? No, other than writing this script. I i have not i have not been on a set i have not um done like i've done like on tape auditions uh but i i would love to be on a cartoon because i'd love to do some voiceover because i feel safe and yeah that's I've been I do what cartoon is it oh

boss baby I've been doing I play this very aggressive little baby my favorite thing that I've learned all day and probably the only reason I will ever watch boss baby and she's really funny she's so like when I watch the animation to like my voice, I'm like, this is what a treat. And that's like the like the one consistent thing I've been doing. And at first I was like, yes, voiceover. Did it. We could do it at home. Did it at home.

They're like, your sound was bad. So then I had to go to the studio and I it's like it's a little stressful because I wear a shield. You have your temperature taken. There's like hand sanitizer everywhere. And you're like, I could get it here. I don't know. But like they take the precautions, but like it's been, it's stressful. It like adds a layer of this like insanity to this already very insane thing that we do. Yeah. Well, I have friends who are on set right now and they're like, it's just weird because everything is so separate and sterile. So like people aren't allowed to like

sit and hang out between takes. No, everybody has to go to their own little bubble room. And like, that's one of my favorite parts of working is getting to know new people and shooting the shit and being grumpy that lunch has been pushed, but we're all in it together. Like, like doing, you know, having that kind of communal experience,

which I don't know if we're going to be able to have for a while. That's a bummer. One of my favorite things is the morning when the trailer has like songs playing and there's like four people getting, going through the works as they say in halloween um and then i really love the vans when like everyone is packed in a van and it's like that's gone those two things are gone and then like my friend michelle she put on her instagram she like literally you know those like stadium bubbles that you can get when you go to like a sporting event it's like a encasement for the rain she

sits in that between takes because it's like well I'd rather not just be breathing the same air as people and I'd love to have my mask off and the way I can have my mask off is if I am in my own contained place and I was like dang it's changed so much yeah like I miss like shooting the shit with like like a like the camera operators like you can't get too close to them anymore and i love asking questions so let's move away from the covid talk okay when the world is open back up which will be at the end of this year and 2022 is gonna get wild what advice do you have for me to meet someone who's a nice, kind person? I mean, I wish I had a formula for it.

I feel like mine was a fluke. And the weird thing is I'd be like, date one of your friends because that's what I did. And it was delightful. But I guess maybe what I mean, maybe the advice the note behind the note the advice behind the advice is like it's more for me it was more about finding someone that when I'm just bored and my most boring self I still enjoy being around them um and they still enjoy being around me and and I don't know how you find those people other than like, like I'm amazed listening to like, you talk about dating apps and my sister's on dating apps and it just sounds so intense and

exhausting. And I, it sounds like there's just pressure on it. So I don't know, maybe, maybe just hang out with a lot of friends and have all your friends bring more friends and friends of friends of friends of friends so that it's like no no pressure but I don't know I wish I knew it's okay you don't have to know nobody really knows uh there's this thing on Instagram I don't know like Instagram keeps serving me things that I'm like I don't know if I needed to say this but it was like you'll be ready for a relationship when you have zero expectations as to what a relationship is or how to get into a relationship and i was like you stupid instagram post i guess that's true i hate this yeah well here's one thing i will say when eric when when

my eyes turned into heart emojis and i realized i was in love with er. I was dating fools. I was like in that period of life where I was like, I'm just going to date people who there's no way I'd ever be in a relationship with because I just want the experience of it. And I was dating this like crazy British guy at one point who was tough, like as you would think living in New York, like such a player. He was like a British actor who worked as a bartender. So definitely he slept with everyone on the island of Manhattan. But I didn't care because I was like, whatever. So I guess there were no expectations. I think I just got lucky. I think I think I just got really lucky that I found someone who's weird lines up with my weird, you know, I love it. And I want it for me. It's going to happen. I'm claiming it. I think it's definitely going to

happen. I think that like a lot of people will have gone through so much soul searching during this time and people are going to come back out into the world knowing what they want and ready to seize it. And I think there is that man or woman or human out there for you who is going to be like Nicole Byer. That's what I want. I'm going to seize it. Jessica, I knew I liked you. I like you even more. What a treat to hear. You are truly so kind and so nice.

And I think I told you this when we worked together. I was like, I think you're so talented talented and so it was fun to watch you so like there you know the scene where you're in the funeral and it's like right before they roll the body i can't remember what you actually do in the scene but it was like really fun to watch you snap into character and it's one of my favorite things to watch people do because you would be talking and then they'd be like action and then you like really snap into it and it was just fun to watch which is like a dumb thing to say to an actor i like how you look like i like how you act i love that means so much to me and i'm so sad that show didn't get picked up because i have to tell you the top the like discussions around your character and when we finally, I think it was Kirker who had the genius idea to bring you in.

Or maybe it was casting. It was probably everybody because everyone loves you. But I was like, Nicole is 150% the person I would make up in my mind to be my best friend. my best friend, like anyone with any semblance of a brain, that is what would happen. And you are just so effortlessly funny and fun and charismatic and fun to watch. But I,

I, I love talking with intelligent, talented people and getting to know them. And I'm just excited for us to find the next thing, but that's not a weird compliment. Honestly, I would love to, cause that, um, that audition was one of like, uh, the easiest I've had to do. the next thing but that's not a weird compliment honestly i would love to because that um

that audition was one of like uh the easiest i've had to do i think i only had to go in twice which is like a very few amount for some projects but uh we like improvised in the first audition and then the second one we improvised a little bit more and i was like oh this is fun i like this this was easy i think when I left I was like okay that was fun bye bye like a complete weirdo but I was like trying to be truthful to be like I feel silly and like I can you know be myself because yeah like the room allowed for it sometimes you go into rooms and they're very cold. Oh my God. I've been told. Sometimes it's like,

it's, it is that thing that it's like, how does anyone think this is going to help anything that's happening? Yes. And I've been told on more than one occasion, it's like, so the writer's going to see this tape. Can you just stick to the script?

And I'm like, yes, I can. But I did change a couple of the words just to make it sound like it's coming out of my mouth. Otherwise, you're going to say to me, make this sound more natural. And the way that I make things sound more natural is I add a little thing to it. But I get it. Sunriders are very precious with their words.

Yeah, but also it's like when you're hiring freaking Nicole Byer and you have like when look at the resources that you have and utilize them correctly you know what I mean like it's like no know the products that you are engaged with and it doesn't mean that you as an incredible performer can't an actor can't like

do the lines that they're written but it's almost like why would you limit people that way I don't know especially when it's comedy're written but it's almost like why would you limit people that way i don't know especially when it's comedy yeah but like when it's comedy it's like well you hire a funny person to like add to it like imagine telling casey wilson she can't do like a like a fun thing she added to the end of a line it's like you can't like you then you just don't want funny jason manzoukas and i were doing something oh i think it was nailed it they had asked him to do this was like the the second time he was on the show they'd asked him to

do something but like bring it down a little and he went oh okay so you want it not funny and it made me laugh so hard because i was like yeah if he brings it down it's gonna be less funny but he just like said it out loud and i was like jason you're one of my favorite fucking people that's amazing that must be such a fun show to just like bring your friends on and fuck around and eat some really questionable food it is fun i do enjoy it jacques is truly like a student of the world because he'll be like nicole teach me how to tell jokes i taught him how to tell a joke and then he'll tell jokes that sometimes because i was like you have a setup you have a twist kind of and a punch and a button and then he was like okay so sometimes he'll tell like the twist in the button and you're like wait what and then he'll be like and then he'll tell you the

idea of what he was going you're like oh okay well if you weren it like this jock and he's like nico you cannot fix all my jokes if he i love him so much okay well jessica we have made it to the end uh do you have anything you want to promote i think people should get the vaccine i i respect and understand people's caution. If it's not right for you, I get it. But also if you are healthy and able, you know, it's been tested by science. And I know a lot of people, a lot of my family is in health care and a lot of people I know have gotten it and they're doing just fine. Yeah.

Maybe that's not a fair thing to say. I don't know. Is that a weird thing to say? I don't think it's a weird thing to say. I think people should get the vaccine because if you eat American cheese, you don't know what the fuck's in American cheese. It's not real. You can get the vaccine. If you've done any sort of drugs in your life, you don't know what's in them. You can get the vaccine. If you've done any sort of drugs in your life,

you don't know what's in them. You can get the vaccine. We eat so much pesticides and bullshit that I'm like, you saying that you don't know what's in the vaccine is literally insane to me because you eat oranges when they're out of season. How do you think they keep those oranges readily available to you?

You're eating year old oranges that have been deprived of oxygen and put in a big old tank. Yes, I watched a documentary. So I think it's a good thing to promote. Also, I'll promote this for you. Watch Happy Death Day to you. It is such. Or is it just Happy Death Day?

There's both. There's Happy Death Day and Happy Death Day to you, which is the sequel. Yes. Well, watch the first one first, and then the second one. You'll watch the second one. Because the first one, I truly had such a good time. Thank you. It's funny, and it's gruesome, and it's just really fun.

I enjoyed it. And the second one's just as good. I love it. Thank you. So that's what I'm going to promote for you. Oh, you know what? There is something I should promote, actually, which is I had a movie come out during the COVID at the end of last year. It is available on all of the places you can stream things.

It's called All My Life. It's a real good tearjerker. It's me and Harry Shum Jr. And it's based on a real love story. It's all about love it's a good it's a good like curl up with your girlfriends over zoom i guess because we can all be together and get some oreos and some wine and like cry harry schum jr is very hot yes oh baby what a treat yeah Yeah. And his wife is also stunning. Shelby is stunning and so cool.

And as a result, they have like the most beautiful baby that's ever been born. Like she is actually. And they have this like adorable dog. Like they're such an adorable couple. They're all so sweet. Well, I guess I could spend all day gushing about couples, but I can't. We gotta go. If you like this episode of Why Won't You Date Me, you can like it.

You can rate it. You can subscribe. You can give me a five-star review. If you write something where you're hitting on me in a nasty way, I will read it. This person, it's not even a submission. He just tweeted at me at Nicole Byer, you single. And then he like linked a tweet to it that says I eat butt period. So truly, if you send me any fun thing, I will read it. Let's see if I could find another one.

I'm sure I have another one. Oh, this one's long. Okay. Hey, Nicole, believe it or not, it's the seventh straight male who listens to your podcast. And boy, do I have a dick for you. And by dick, I mean a thick 10-inch dick with a gift bag on it that says, To Nicole, once you unwrap this quarantine gift, I'll bend you over your motorcycle and pound you so hard, it'll make you say, is that my Theragun? No, it's my, I mean mean your big old honking dick i'll grab those little titties of yours for structural support as we continue to fuck as i turn your uh tee hee hees into oh whoa woes at that moment you'll have an absolute treat of an orgasm as you squirt all over your leopard

print flats yes you've been wearing them the whole time and then we'll get into your jeep and head out for some tacos and beer because we earned it truly a dream honestly just a dream i lied i'm just another gay male who listens to this podcast i honestly got so excited i was like maybe that's gonna be my boyfriend i'm excited for you oh boy what a tease what a tease. What a tease. Well, that's it. Bye-bye. You're cool. You didn't ask me if I would date you. Oh, shit. Okay, did you stop recording? Me?

No. Okay, great. Jessica, you actually don't even cut this part out, Marissa. Oh, boy. I forgot to ask. Jessica, I, oh, my God. This is what happens when i take gaps in between recording i just like forget what i'm supposed to be doing jessica i've missed it with i think two or three people but you caught it would you date me i think maybe the reason you missed it is because you know the answer nicole which is a resounding yes. But truly, I was talking with my friend about this before,

and she was like, Jessica, you are the straightest person I know. And I was like, I know, but Nicole is funny. She's beautiful. She's smart. I wouldn't need to be funny. Like, you would be the funny person in the relationship. There would be no pressure on me. And you like cooking and learning

new things. And I think it would be a delight. Thank you. Honestly, I'm glad that you reminded me because I love that answer. OK, now we go, baby. That's it for Why Won't You Date Me with me, Nicole Byer. Why Won't You Date Me is produced and engineered by, oh, the sweetest woman I know, Marissa Melnick. It is executive produced by other wonderful people, Adam Sachs, Joanna Solo-Taroff, and Jeff Ross. Thanks for listening. I love you. Thank you so much. We'll be seeing you next Friday with a brand new episode. What a dream. What a dream. Ha ha ha. This has been a Team Coco production.