Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Lady Game (w/ Sam Jay)

Episode Date: September 4, 2020

Comedian Sam Jay (writer at SNL) discusses how she met her girlfriend, the influence of wealth in a relationship, and the difference between flirting with men and women. Sam teaches Nicole about bad bitch energy, and how she developed her "lady game". Plus, why aren't interviewers asking White people about #BLM?Check out Sam Jay's special on Netflix: netflix.com/title/81078802Support Black Lives Matter. For a list of resources and ways to help, check out blacklivesmatters.carrd.co.Follow Nicole Byer:Twitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerFacebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedyBuy Merch: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/nicole-byer?ref_id=964Order Nicole's book: www.indiebound.org/book/9781524850746Advertise on Why Won’t You Date Me via Gumball.fm

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Oh baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me, a podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single, even though you could take me on a vacation three hours away from our house, leave me there, have me walk home, and I wouldn't be mad about it.

My guest today is one of the funniest fucking people I know. They are a writer on Saturday Night Live. They have a Comedy Central half hour. You were part of the comedy lineup on Netflix. And then Sam Jay's special just came out on Netflix. It's called Three in the Morning. Ooh, ooh, it's Sam Jay! Hey, what's up, Nicole? Not much. Hi.

I guess I'm good, but I really miss the world the way it used to be even though i know that it's not gonna go back i feel like you're living though i've seen you on instagram you you strip a pole and you skating i feel like you're doing stuff i feel like you're active i feel like you're not just like you know chilling well I can't just sit inside all day and do nothing. That's good. That would make me fucking crazy. How have you been? I've been all right.

Ups and downs. Days I feel super fine. Days I feel so sad. Days I'm just like, who cares, you know? But I don't know if that was really different than my regular day to day. Outside of I just have more things to distract me from stuff and you know you just don't have that but i've been okay i'm ready to get out of here i just booked a trip to dr because i was like i need to go somewhere before we can go to the dominican republic we can go to the dr you have to come with your negative results and if you don't

have negative if you don't have that they test you right there oh shit why don't we do that here but yeah you could go to the dr that's wild what a treat maybe yeah no i found this nice little like resort spot but like for adults only with the cute little rooms i'm just gonna check out for like five days i need it bad that's that sounds so nice yeah i haven't done anything and i've been watching people it's like it's gotta be this this like it's just crazy weird because i'm seeing mad people just had a summer right some people just say man fuck it I'm having a summer dude and they had a whole summer and I'm watching them like live and and I stayed in and I was like no the summer is the summer cannot happen this year and

watching people have a summer I'm a little bit like you're a bitch-ass nigga you should have went out had you a summer no sam it's good that you didn't have a summer i well i mean i think it's you're going to a country where they're like you have to be negative they'll test you there i think i think that's safe i think that's fine i think that's good i'll be good i didn't want to go anywhere too long of a flight it's a it's like a three and a half hour, 345. You know what I'm saying? On an airline that's still social distances, JetBlue. So every other seat you can't book, you know?

Stay masked up, land, do my one-two, come home, get tested again. You know, live in this chaos. I think that's the smartest way to fucking do it. And if everyone could just get on board with it, we could just fucking move on, you know? It's not that big of a deal to wear a mask. Like, I've worn, so Sashir and I, we went to San Oopsy Loopsy, I don't know,

it's like three hours north of LA, and we wore a mask the whole trip up because we were in a car. Yeah. And we live in different houses, and we felt safer that way whole trip up because we were in a car and we live in different houses and we felt safer that way. It wasn't that bad. It's not the end of the world, dog. It didn't fucking matter.

It really isn't the end of the world. It really isn't. I just, these like anti-mask people, the more I think about it, the more I'm like, so you don't want to wear a mask. You don't want other people to wear a mask so we can all just spit at each other in a pandemic what is what is what is the what is

the logic even if like you're worried about your fucking freedoms or whatever you want people spitting on you during a pandemic I think people don't realize like that anyone who is anti-mask is a person who feels so out of control of their lives on a daily that this is just something they can control. It's just like the highest level of like toxic behavior. You know what I mean? It has nothing to do with a mask or even if they think it will help or it won't. It's purely just I won't be told what to do because you can't control me. But a person that would have that fight

in a pandemic is completely spiraling as a human being. Yeah, just like fully unhinged. They're not holding, yeah, they're not holding on to much. A person who would have that argument in a pandemic. You know what I'm saying?

It's so fucking nuts come on where did you tape your special i taped it in atlanta at this spot called the masquerade that was kind of like a little like indie rock you know it's a nice venue indie rock club little little you know one of those rooms and when did you record it february 22nd of 2020 of 20 goddamn holy shit yeah that is so wild that you like got it in like you shot it before the shit hit the fan it's crazy it's like a blessing no bullshit yeah because i don't know i would have spun out i would have spun out because i had i had toured europe all summer getting ready for that hour i would have spun out if it was like yeah so you're not gonna take because all that material is dead you're not gonna carry that for a whole come on that's how i feel right now because i had

like a solid hour that i was pretty happy with and then i was like so wait when we get back to stand up am i gonna want to be doing this 10 minute Disney joke like what the fuck matters anymore it's like oh that shit would have been burnt down yeah I'm glad I'm glad but like sad the world went the way it did but glad I got the shit out do you live in the high rise Sam hey man don't ask a lot of questions about

my environment you truly look like you are in the sky hey man you truly look like you are in the sky amen and i like it you're like in the sun oh it's nice so sam can i ask you about relationships you can talk to me about love and life i'm down this is what this is what i came here to do you're in love i'm in love beautiful woman my god you're like uh the party for your special she wore this incredible dress and i sent it to you and i was just like dang yeah she is stunning how did you guys meet? I met my girl at this club in Atlanta called The Compound that used to do gay nights on, I want to say Mondays.

I would ask her if she was in the room, but she got a toothache. But I want to say it was a gay night. It was an off night. It was a week night. It wasn't a Saturday or nothing. But it was the night all the black lesbians would go and it was popping it was super popping and I went with my homie Goose and my homie Buddy and my girl was there with a group of her friends and it was like four mutual friends groups meeting up yes we did meet

at Compound I met you at Compound when that girl got in a fight with Buddy. We first met at Compound. Then the fight moved to outside your house. So, yeah, we was at this club. And it was like four different friend groups that all came to hang out. So she was with one, but we all had a different mutual friend in each each room and we were kind of all around each other for the whole night like there was a couple of like like vip sections but we was all kind of like around each other and i was real lame and i was real broke both things i was real lame and real broke like just turning out like just fresh out you know i'm saying just really getting into my dyking. Just really, like, hitting the scene.

And, like, so I'm still, like, I'm fresh out in this shit. You feel me? But I got some cool friends. How long ago was this? Ooh, I was about 25. Mm-hmm. But I had some cool friends and shit. So, whatever.

And then my friend, I'm not going to say name, but my friend gets in a fight with one of her friend's friends that they was dating. And the friend, she was a femme. She starts smacking up my friend who was a stud, just smacking her up in the VIP. It's crazy. So we like, oh, shit. Like classic Atlanta lesbian drama. Oh, shit.

It's crazy. So then we all like peel out. We all like, we got all like we gotta go because the security come all that shit so now there's they fighting outside the club me and my homie we you know i'm saying we getting our whip it was me buddy and goose so one of us was in a situation so then when you're gonna figure it out i just gotta say who was because i'm gonna keep telling so you're gonna figure out buddy so buddy was getting beat up so then i ain't gonna say your name not even two minutes later buddy buddy i have to so then when buddy was in the whip buddy was trying

to drive the girl home though buddy was being like chivalrous and shit feel me because it was still like buddy's girl and buddy was like i'm not gonna hit no woman which at the top fucked me up because i was like you're a woman but but But respect to Buddy. Buddy has transitioned. Buddy's a real nigga. So I get now where Buddy was coming from. But at that time, I didn't get where that energy was coming from. So then, boom, they in the beef.

Bang, bang. So Buddy's driving the chick. Chick's swinging on Buddy while Buddy's driving. So me and Goose are like, yo, we got to follow Buddy. So Buddy gets shorty to the crib, which was my girl's crib because the girl was my girl's friend. So when we get in front of my girl's crib and she didn't live far from the club, Buddy and the girl fighting in the whip. Girls kicking Buddy with her heel, all this shit. Like, this is crazy.

So Buddy's like, I'm gonna just take her back to my place. Like, lesbian love, drama, whatever. So Buddy drive the girl off. So, we like, all right. So, it's me and Goose. So, we like, we out. And my girl went in her crib. She had a girl.

She had a girlfriend at the time. She go in her crib. Then me and Goose pull off. We high and drunk. Goose hits the curb, blows her tire out. We don't get inches from my girl's crib. Pow. It's hot. It's Georgia hot.

Sweating through the shirt. I'm trying to change attire. I'm the most like masculine girl of my friends. We all dress the same, but I'm the most like nigga. So I'm, and Goose like,

nigga, you know how to change attire. And I'm like, kinda. Not perfect, but enough. You know what I'm saying? But we couldn't get it done.

So I had a girlfriend at the time. I called my girl like yo can you come pick us up we fucked up out here fine we sitting out there and my girl came out because she just seen us sitting on the curb and she was like what's going on and I was like yo the car whatever and she was like we don't gotta sit out here you come up get some water it's hot you can come up wait for your girl so I came up and she her girl was passed out on the bed but like I knew when I see her club I thought she was attractive but then when I came up and I was like talking to her catching her vibe I was like I gotta get this chick I'm gonna figure this out so then

we all kind of exchanged well actually she gave goose her number because I probably looked like I wanted I probably looked too thirsty so she gave goose her number it was like oh but let's all hang out so then after that i was pressing goose like yo hit that check up so we can hang out and so we could all go do something and um we hung out i was still in a relationship but but she was too, I think. We went out, and then we linked up again, and she was out of a relationship. I had never told her I was in one. And we went to a pizza spot, and I was broke, and I couldn't afford. Like, I had money to pay for my pizza, but she had left, like, her card at her crib because she didn't live far.

And I couldn't afford to pay for her pizza, and it was mad embarrassing. She had to send someone to her crib to get, or send, call someone. She had a bunch of gay homeboys at the time that was living with her. And one of them, like, brought her money to the spot. And then the other gay homeboy that was with us, like, disgraced me. It was just like, you can't fuck with this broke bitch. It was crazy. It's crazy.

But for some reason, she hit me up again. And I came over and we hung out. I still in a relationship and we fucked and then the next day i dumped my girlfriend and then we fucked each other off and on for like 10 years i truly love that story you guys met oh my god the girl kicking Buddy and hitting Buddy. Buddy was driving, right? Yep. Buddy was driving. And y'all were in the backseat?

No, we were in another car. Oh, okay. Me and Goose were in the car. We came in because me, Goose, and Buddy had came together. And we was meeting up. So we was in another car just like, we got to follow Buddy to make sure Buddy's safe. I love that story. gotta follow buddy to make sure buddy's safe. That's,

I love that story. That's, I want a fun story on how I end up with somebody. But like, how the fuck is anything fun anymore? I don't know. That's the whack shit too. It's just,

I also feel like it's just hard to date when you older, bro. The older you get, the harder it gets. It's just one of those things. And people like to lie and be like acting so hopeful. And like, that's not true. But it is true because you live. It's just no way around it.

And I feel like you're being unrealistic if you don't understand that. Because you're coming with your shit. They're coming with their shit. And you have more shit to bring because you've lived longer. That's just a duh. You know what I'm saying? There's no ifs, ands, or buts about it. You bring in more shit.

They bring in more shit they bring in more shit they bring in more hurt they're more suspect they're not as open that's why dudes really I really been thinking about this shit and I know probably all your viewers are gonna throw me under the bus but you know what at this point with the special out I get a lot of love and I get a lot of hate so it is what it is yeah but I really feel like that's what like people, and specifically I'm going to say like women, like feminine women don't understand when they go like, why does this rich guy go with this younger woman?

And it's like, because he still wants to feel good, baby girl. She's young. She's open. The things that he has impress her. The stuff that he's doing is new. She's not bringing all the baggage. And he can still feel good without doing all the extra shit.

And if that's available, some motherfuckers is like, why not? That's so depressing. It's not just like, cause she's young. I think so many people try to just sum it up with that. depressing it's not just like because she's young i think so being people try to just sum it up with that but it's like with youth comes a refreshing perspective with youth comes youthful energy with youth comes not a lot of baggage of burden and especially if you just got rich right you grew up poor like ohuckers, like niggas do.

You know, like a lot of rappers and comedians, everybody gets criticized for this behavior. But if you came up poor, when you get rich, you're kind of re-injuvenated like that. You're re-injuvenated on some youthful shit. Your perspective is different, yo. You're not carrying all that shit. And a lot of motherfuckers are, and it bring down your vibe.

It's a vibe killer why yeah i think you're absolutely right i never thought of it that way i was just i always thought of it the physical way where they were like oh you know younger nicer tighter bodies bigger titties but yeah it's like they're chilling they're not as pressed bro they they like and they just experiencing and enjoying it and you're in a new situation where that's what you want i've never been here before i'm just getting my mind blown and if you were the bitch that you've been with since you worked at a starbucks and all she's doing is being like remember when you was at the starbucks nigga remember when you was and you're like yo man i'm trying to live some

other shit right now baby girl like what the fuck what the fuck or reminding you we gotta get home you know i'm saying dad got this you're like bro i'm just living i'm just taking the breath for real and then that's when a youthful person becomes attractive because they on the same wave and they down the ride and that's why you see a lot of older musicians with young women till they dead till they dead because they kind of got to emotionally track together in a weird way i wonder why young people like i feel like you see it more with women like why young women date older dudes stability but i guess it's like you can buy me stuff and stability i can have a better life stability and that's why i think sometimes when we we have all these gender discussions we can't

negate what's animalistic i love sometimes like we forget we're animals. We get very heady and we forget at the end of the day, we're just a different form of mammal moving about this fucking or grazing, water holing, all the things, but in our own way. And so with that, there's going to just be some things that people seek in energies, I find. And energy, I think that's where you need to be open. Gender is not physicality as much as we've assigned it to that. It is so much energy.

It is so much just the things you adapt to. And I think just like a lot of animals that can switch sexes just naturally i think we are that hybrid and we just don't realize it i agree because people love a label i personally i don't like labels and i do talk very heteronormatively but i'm also like very open to whomever yeah like whatever person who comes in my life normatively too but i'm very open to like whatever you on baby as long as you ain't hurting nobody i'm i'm on it with you you know i'm saying and i and you might introduce me to some shit i'm not this i don't i'm not closed off to anything it's like oh okay that might be some you know i'm saying so like in that regard, hell yeah. But I think with that said, it's energy.

Just like me and my girl, I have the more masculine energy. So just like those jokes, she does assume that I'm going to protect her. And I'm not saying that's every relationship. I'm saying that's the energy that exists in ours. You might get two just super feminine energies that don't feel like anyone's obligated to do anything.

And they're like, nah, we just both going to go at this nigga with a spatula and try to get what we can get you know what i'm saying so i'm not saying it's dictated by anything i'm just saying it exists it's real yeah and there's people that are just living in the in the gray of it all and that's real too yeah i think it's important to like understand and realize that like nothing is, nothing is what it seems. Everything is kind of fluid. And I think that's like the beautiful thing about people that, you know,

any, you could be anything you love anybody and it could be different yesterday and it can be different tomorrow. It's different today. It's whatever you feel comfortable in, whatever you want to do. I watched this video that showed how big the planets were in our galaxy. And then it like zoomed out to other galaxies.

And I was like, holy shit. How insane that like we think that we're it. That we're the only like intelligent life form. I've thought that since I was a kid. I've thought that since i was a kid i've thought that since i was a child like that that was a crazy thought yeah i i guess i just never thought of it with all the universe the audacity to think that you're the only thing that's intelligent is so crazy but it's the same mentality that lets people think that they could tell you what god wants you to do it's like if you believe this thing is all being all knowing all seeing created life earth the middle the beginning and the end knows all how do you presume to understand what it wants or what it doesn't want that's crazy

like you don't know and we can find rules to live and govern amongst each other but to then assign those rules and say no that's what he wants and that he has a gender it's so it's so so wild i don't understand religion in the slightest. I grew up going to church and whatnot. And then I got older and I was like, wait a minute. So we pay for the pastor's house. We pay his car note. We pay for his family to live.

We pay for his daughter who had two kids. So now we're paying for all them too. And I was like, but for what? And then the answer I always got was like, well, he ministers. So we have to support him while he ministers. And I was like, but anyone could minister to you too. And ministry could come from any parts of your life. And the issue is not ministry.

The issue is the way that we ordain people to give ministry that I think is really weird and that we should be opening ourselves up to ministry from people and we should be learning and it's like if you really even truly respect the bible and you got me going somewhere because i'm hot but if you really if you really and truly respect the bible then the biggest story you should take from the bible is that man learns their lessons from man and that in the interactions of the world you see god and you see the devil but that we learn that through each other we see it in each other we live it in each other and we live it through each other and that our only sanctuary and retribution is in humanity and like that's the big story that's the big takeaway all the big

lessons that you needed to learn the bible were just from people that you were you ignored for whatever reason or looked over they're trying to tell you this it's the god in you it's how you behave it's how you give and take that is going to affect this whole thing. It's not some thing that's controlling anything. And if anything, a spiritual relationship should just be a relationship of checking yourself, of checking your intentions, of checking how you moving, of checking are you being connected to this whole experience or are you being selfish? That's what a spiritual relationship is for it's not to ordain another person to tell you how to live because they don't know and how could they this is so deep sam for real though no you're absolutely right it's so

funny that we you know in religion like elected officials we hold them on these pedestals and i'm like they're just people they make the same mistakes you make they're no better than you they just maybe are better at public speaking that's what i love what what he did the one thing that people won't give trump for and it's you know i might talk about this shit on stage tonight because i just i did did a little bit of a joke about it, but this is the real thought. I love that he showed people that the presidency is just a job.

And that this whole thing is just a corporation. And at the end of the day, if you hire a nigga who's bad at the job. They're going to be bad at the job. But he's just a nigga bad at the job they're gonna be bad at the job but he's just a nigga bad at his job it's like it's just a job it's not this higher calling it's not this it's none of that it's a job and the people whether you like them or not who take the job seriously who study the job who care about the job who get work experience in the job they do the job well and the motherfucker who walks off the street and goes i think i can do that and you hire that

nigga he do the job bad because it's just a job yep it's just a fucking job yep that's all it is and you can do it well you can do it poorly. And you shouldn't hire niggas who've never done a job. If you look at it as a job and not a higher calling, you shouldn't hire niggas who've never done the job. If you look at America

as a corporation, the man filed for bankruptcy, what, three times? Bro, he's bad. That's not good. He's bad. You wouldn't hire him at any other job.

No. You would say would say sir you gotta go this also you talk crazy he is truly one of the ugliest people and the dumbest people it's so funny to like watch him talk because you're like i have like comic friends who are just as dumb as you that i wouldn't trust to be the president that's fucking insane america is a fairy tale and we need to read what was the german niggas that had the horrible fairy tales that were like grim grim's fairy tales grim's fairy tales like it's like we've been living in a fairy tale and we need to read the Grimm's version like no reality this higher calling shit this above all shit all of this shit are lies it's bureaucracy it's money it's capitalist from top to bottom and it's fucking business period and just like say that

be honest about what this is so everybody could play on the same fucking board you know what i'm saying you know how you're talking about how uh younger people they have a certain like way of like reinvigorating your life or whatever do you think that there is an age so you have to be what how old to run for president over the age of 35 or whatever or is it like for like 45 is it it's like older it's old i'm like why don't we allow younger people to run is it because you want them to be old and like get jaded and get a little dirty and they won't play the game right if they if they too they too hopeful that's so fucking wild that we like set up the person for this presidency to be like to carry a whole guard to hold the old regime in the same order because they've been

fucked by the the shit enough you know i'm saying it's weird it's very interesting though it is interesting our whole country is really interesting the world is interesting i'm just like how come in this world we can't just go okay everybody like here's a couple of rules just like don't murder uh don't hurt people uh don't try to fuck people over and just like live a life but the lawyer in me well like like you know and i say that because i used to just be heavy into like uh like i took like pre-law shit in high school and swore i was gonna go to yeah and i used to do like mock trial and shit like on a large scale like a nut job and when people say shit like that like just don't murder it's like this is what makes america great to me i think there's places that

they tried that right and like there's just this totalitarian rule of this is the rules and then america's like but like and a lot of places that started to think we're just kind of like but what if i murder because someone's trying to murder me i'm still a murderer so should i have died i think the problem is that we're we're not still asking that question because i think about that in a real way especially when i'm high i'm like when someone brings you murderous energy is it the right thing like that's the animalistic thing right is to kill them but if we're higher thinking higher thinking beings is that like yo is this just your time or is this another energy you're supposed to bring to it and then it may not be your time

like you hear so many stories about a motherfucker trying to murder somebody and then they just like tapped in you know what i'm saying and like really hit that motherfucker in their humanity because they were being like tapped in and not be trying to escape what was happening what was like i'm here now and this is what's happening and shifted that whole energy and like is that our power is it true matrix shit when we're we're consistently trying to bend the spoon instead of bending our minds around the fucking spoon and then like everything we do is that maybe was that too much no it's not too much but also i just watched the matrix and i truly after i

turned it off went into my kitchen and tried to bend a spoon and i was like, Nicole, it's a movie. But it's real. It's real. But you feel what I'm saying? Where it's like, are we just giving in instead of being above all together? And if we did that all together, will we see another elevation or something? Yeah.

This is so deep. I fucking love it. No, no, it's gonna, everyone's gonna be like, we don't want to see him back on this podcast it's usually super fun and full of jokes and this bitch is just part of the world right now and she's just like it's so hard to make jokes you know did you watch

kat williams's supreme ad i watched Supreme ad? I watched half of it. I watched half of it. It's good. It's not, like, uproariously funny, but, like, he makes good points, and, like, it is comedic. It's great to know Cat's still Catting. I love that. I love Cat. I think he's such a brilliant mind.

I think he's one of the, in the recent years, such a political comic that didn't get credit for being political. You're absolutely right. And I think that's like real whack. Because he was being so political. In just his way. In just his way. And it was smart shit. And a lot of times Cat gets credit for being just, oh, he go off.

Cat is smart. And his shit be smart and i don't know a better bit in the last 10 15 years than that iraq insurgents what's an iraqi uniform run political smart on time call back crazy fuck out of here he also talks about mental health in a way that is healthy in a way that like i feel like society has turned their back on cat by being like oh he crazy he beat up an eight-year-old he stole atv or whatever but i'm like yeah but what's the root of it like i think he's dealing with mental illness and has you know highs and lows or whatever and in one of his specials he opened up about being in an institution

and then like the pills they give you that like knock you out. He uses a little stool and he slid. It was so funny, but also so visceral and so real. And he needed to get that off. Yes. And I was like,

why don't we support him? And also not for nothing, any nigga that made it out of the, out of the shit that they serve us, especially when you a nigga that lived in the shit that they served us, you know what I and you make it dog any nigga's crazy bro it's hard and it's like you sound like some type of spoiled motherfucker when you try to talk about how hard it is but it's hard bro because you're alone when you're isolated all that victims were more shit

that kindred talks about that shit is I mean survivors remorse that shit is real but it should be victims because we victims we all victims but anyway it is interesting though because I feel like I don't know since you've been doing press on your special I don't know have they been asking you about like Black Lives Matter and whatnot I feel like it was the only thing that was being talked about and I was like i feel like white people don't ask other white people about it i wish they would but no they kept saying but that's the point you should be asking them yes ask them about it because it was weird and ignorant is asking me how i feel when i'm black how do i feel about my life mattering yeah not it doesn't feel good fine i guess nigga i want it to matter the fuck are you

asking me i want it to matter like it's a goofy ass question how do i feel about it all like they want me to go i'm proud and i think it's progress like what answer do you want it's whack that nigga still gotta do this shit that's the answer it sucks bitch next yeah you want to be on this podcast that you got about popcorn and get silly or what motherfucker like what are you the fuck you trying to do this podcast about popcorn when you get silly like what are you trying to do leave me alone don't try to turn your popcorn platform into some political shit wait sam did you go on a popcorn podcast nah i just know there's one i know that bitch is this i wish i wish you had gone on a popcorn podcast but the answer i kept

saying is like they were like do you think people will keep talking about it i was like what are you talking about black people been talking about it y'all just don't listen and retain. Like, I think I feel like in every black comic special, they talk about how our lives matter or how we are, you know, discriminated against and blah, you know, this, that and the other or whatever. But I'm like, how can you watch hours and hours of like black people's content, but like not get it? Because white people, you about to make me say something crazy say it white people are so dumb man like i knew that's what you were gonna

say so fucking dumb they're the dumbest like pretending to be smart group of motherfuckers i've ever seen in my life my nigga like in every way in every way they're the dumbest smartest motherfuckers and they don't even get like that's what people are always making fun of about y'all that is the main observation that you are the dumbest smartest idiots we've ever met that's bugs buddy rabbit season bugs buddy elva fuck is you dumb smart idiots like cut it out they just it's so goofy it's so goofy it's like what do you mean you are you not living in the world and how do you see all this shit through time and isolated their brains go like oh blackface that's different than police beating people up and that's different than civil rights and it's like how is this ever you've seen the same nightstick you've seen the

same uniform you've seen the same aggression how are these two things separate how do you not see that clearly a group of people have been living a certain way for a very extended period of time i just i'm so annoyed by it because like just tell me you don't give a fuck yes i would rather people said that like instead of saying all lives matter being like if people just said i don't care i don't care about black lives so that's why i don't like it i don't care i would even take i don't know how to care about this and i'm not gonna make room because i have shit like that there's definitely shit going on in the world and i'm like baby i don't got space i don't give a fuck it is happening i'm aware it's happening but i don't got room for that it's also liberating to say out loud that you don't care about something

i mean this is very well that recognizes us as people yeah the major thing that would do was just acknowledge we fucking exist but these goofy troopies instead of at any point just going you exist but i'd rather not be bothered they go i don't know what you're talking about and that is infuriating because you do know what the fuck i'm talking about and now you're disrespecting me and nigga energy we can't take that like no so now you just gonna disrespect me cat said in that thing he was like uh he was like white people waiting for big black scary negroes to come to their house and rain terror on them well you've been waiting for 400 years we're better than that and i was like yeah like what like are you you're afraid that like if black people move in next door what are they gonna do to you nothing we haven't like we we should be angrier than we are and like che has a great joke in his special where he was like uh it's like during 9-11 we didn't say

all buildings matter and then he was like we're not even asking for equality he was like gay people ask for equality we are just asking for you to be civil to us which I was like that's that's in every black comic special we talk about it's so it's crazy and the thing is like the bottom line of all this shit that's so crazy to me is how do you not see that the way you've been doing it doesn't work but it's the same way these motherfuckers are like trump's killing it that's crazy to me when people say that he's doing a good job it's the same mind and what i love about him is he's exposed the root of this country these are the motherfuckers that built this place these are delusional people

from top to bottom and have always been my uncle made the greatest point we were talking about the statues being taken down and my uncle was like yo first of all they're not these statues weren't put up during the war he said they're not history you know which people have now researched he said in two name me a nation that fights to keep statues of treasonous losers yeah it's fucking wild germany's not littered with statues of fucking hitler it's like you're and it's just statues to terrorize us they put them up way later to be like remember remember what we can do and it is treason but it's like it's against their whole thing

it's like there's regular racist niggas you can celebrate they're still around and shit and there's motherfuckers you know put up a statue of ronald reagan at least he won yeah at least he won and he was the president y'all really trying to celebrate like failed gangsters so if you get to do that then i get to put up a statue of alpo put up an alpo statue on real shit real quick sam we gotta take a break and we back can i ask you was dating hard for you just to like come back to dating has dating ever been hard for you i feel like you're very charismatic and a real ladies lady i feel like the only time dating i mean dating was hard yeah date is hard you know And I feel in both ways. Like, when I was dating dudes, I think it was a different level of awkwardness

because I was in the position of being chosen and not choosing. And I think that's such a unique thing that I've experienced feeling both truly and that way of, like, feeling that really girly, I want him to like me and not notice what's wrong with me in that way that only a woman really understands what I'm saying because there's gonna be guys but it's like it's so different it's such a it's a different level of giving your power

away in a way and I've definitely gone through that and had some like men had some not, but definitely gone through the awkward and cried and the hurt of not being chosen, you know, and not being wanted in that way. And the way I wanted someone else. And that's from like eighth grade and shit, you know, it's like youth shit, you know what I'm saying? But at the same time, I'm realizing I was going through that as a youth. There were girls who wouldn't be my friend. And didn't realize so older I was crushing on them too and so I was hurt in the same way but it's just a my brain wouldn't let it process that way well it's also like the world told you that your feelings were hurt because they wouldn't be your friend yep and it was like if we just taught kids that like attraction is a thing yeah and it doesn't really matter who you're attracted to but it's a real

thing but it's yeah it's a real thing and you it's a different feeling of rejection and it's different than just when your friends don't hang out with you yeah there was definitely uh girls in my youth elementary that rejected me and i was destroyed i was fucking destroyed and i was like i care about this way more than i should but also maybe i don't because i don't know where to put this and then when i got older and i stopped messing with dudes and i was dating and then there was a time where i was just straight macking on dudes but i think i was transitioning into my gay shit and so i cared less about the stakes because mentally I was moving on

even though I didn't realize that something in my spirit was just like and I was just straight macking on niggas like they was hoes like I was real shit

there's a few dudes I fucked in Atlanta that I pulled like literally walking out the club grabbed their arm like yo on some crazy shit

that's so I can't even envision it. There was a point where I was just hollering at niggas, feeling my dick before I was really feeling my dick, you know? And shit. And then when I started dating women, but it was all over again. The awkwardness came home because it was new.

And I had never tried to approach a woman. I didn't have no game yet. But I will say the lady game came to me quicker i picked that game up faster for sure what's a good way to hit on somebody i don't know if the world's ever gonna go back to normal but i don't have i don't have game i'm not very i usually i'm just like do you want to hook up would you please come to my house uh you want to fuck no which is sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't i don't know how to flirt do you want to hook up? Would you please come to my house? You want to fuck? No. Which is, sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn't.

I don't know how to flirt. Do you want the real answer? Like, because I'm a grown ass woman. So I'm going to give you the mama love answer. Or do you want the like cliche answer? No, give me the real answer.

The real answer is, it's all about how you value yourself. So it's all about your presentation. If you present it, and I feel like there's both ways. There's a woman who's tried to pull a woman. There's a woman who dates women. If you throw it to me like it's just there for me, eh, all right, then I might get to it or I might not.

But if you got value for it, then'm gonna have value for it and you strike me as a type of person that wants a person that will like is a little bit about this shit and not just like a lame motherfucker because you could have been with a lame motherfucker i'm sure lame motherfuckers are throwing themselves at your feet so you're not you're not choosing that you want something else so it's like cool you want that the way to like it's just all about first it's corny but it's like just getting your shit in line because it wasn't until i got my shit in line where i'm like nah i know what i am i know who i am i know what i'm worth like it is what it is that I started just walking with that big dick and it's like women got a big dick swagger too

like feminine energy has that too it's just different but that's what attracts motherfuckers top to bottom it don't matter what you look like for real

it don't matter none of that shit when a bitch is bad a bitch is bad and it's just undeniable it's some undeniable bad bitch shit and you like nah i can't do nothing about that i see it it's in there it's moving yeah i think i think there is something to not giving it up too early and making people work for shit

which is you're not gonna get the type of motherfucker you want anyway that's what i'm saying so you're already working against yourself the motherfucker that's gonna come running when you give it up like that you don't even like i'm sure you've gotten it that way you still left like who cares nigga so it's like at that point you might as well just work for what you want yeah my god i wonder if the world will ever be normal you know and that's dating with a purpose too on some corny ass tdj shit but it's real to the motherfucker when you get older dating with a purpose don't like it's like i've never especially after like 28 wasn't a person i approached that wasn't just like all right this is who i am i'm gonna present

you the whole thing let's figure this out today it's me if you're not into that you're not intrigued by this you don't want to keep going cool but i'm gonna put it all out there because i don't want to who got the fucking time who got the fucking time yeah the older i get the more I found it to be easy to be like this is who I am I'm not like a demure person I'm very loud I like to laugh that's just like how I am if you're easily embarrassed at a restaurant because I laugh too loudly like it's not gonna fucking work and a motherfucker who loves you they move past that shit like my girl is loud and it used to be like my girl's loud and it used to be sometimes like oh my god she being so loud but you know what i came to i was like that's my fucking girl who am i to tell my baby how to go out and live you know i'm saying

she ain't hurting nobody she ain't getting in nobody way this who she is and if you do have a problem with her i know my girl she's not coming in here with no ill intentions so if you're gonna act crazy then we both leaving like fuck you because she's not on no bullshit she's just not doing it your way and who the fuck cares you know what i mean and it was also like me getting over myself like you're being corny for feeling that way what is it about you that you're taking this away when it's not against you? It's just who she is. It's not working against you. Is it you not feeling like you being seen right now?

Is it you being, but whatever that is, you need to talk to yourself and not put that on her because she's just being her most authentic self. He's just being her most authentic self. And if you love someone, you should want them to be that around you as much as possible. Because I think everybody tucks something. But you should want that as much as you can get it. You should want them to be as authentic as they are. What's the best part about being in a relationship?

I don't feel alone anymore in a real way i haven't felt home i haven't felt home um i kill flies for my cat it's like a love it's like a love thing we got on them you kill flies and then like feed them to your cat and that's how you know i'm alpha that's how you know it's like i'm dad i'm like i know you was trying to catch this fly but i did here i lift my dog up to bugs on the wall and he eats them yeah you see i'm saying it's just something like i got you i see your plight too um i just you know as a as a person whose parents passed away young and I just spent a lot of time just feeling out here very solo and not feeling supported in a real way or loved in a real way. With my girl, as a first time, I'm feeling anything near close to that, where it's just like, this is true.

This is unconditional. It's just like, this is true. This is unconditional. Even if we're not together till the end of time, we have this. We made a real thing. And like, yeah, I think that shit is like the biggest thing is just not feeling, I really don't feel alone anymore. I think that helps for so much.

It helps how I am, how open I am to I am how open I am to people how open I am to experiences and and ideas just the way I'm willing to move in the world less guarded all that I have to attribute to my girlfriend I like that I also my parents are dead too and I have a sister and I get like a lot of times when i think about why i want to be in a relationship i'm like oh yeah i want to be digged down uh i want i'm like so horny it would be so nice to have somebody but in like the reality of it i'm like oh i think i just want to be like at home with somebody yeah and i think that like not that i I like bring back my parents or whatever no but like it would just be nice to have someone who was so invested in my life and loved me though like in again not the

same way my parents did but like love is a thing where when you feel it it feels so good yeah when and you know when it's real if you have parents that really loved you, you know what that shit feels like for real with it. I mean, that's kind of, especially like little black girls, that's how we got made. That's how we're here. Was there was two or one devoeing parent just going, it don't matter, baby.

You are the best. You are the cutest. You are the matter baby you are the best you are the cutest you are the smartest you are the funniest and you knew they believed that shit no matter what you did they saw what you were and what you could be at all times and like when you lose that shit and you just you just out here open to whatever and everything's coming at you that hole is hard to fill yeah it's hard to fill and the thing is really you got to fill it yourself because you can't even attract what you need and it's such a fucking deep rooted crazy thing and it's you're gonna think you fixed it a million times you're gonna be like oh yeah we good And then something will happen and you're like, nope, I'm completely exposed over here.

Like, I only built the armor for right here. And this motherfucker got me all in the back. So, like, oh, shit. I wasn't even ready for that side. Yes, I feel that on another level where I'm like, I think I fixed or not fixed myself, but I think I got myself to a place where I feel really good and something will happen. I'll be like, OK, well, I guess we got to work on this other thing. All right. Fix that up. Let's get let's start dating again.

But a lot of this shit, too, is that like you got to stop moving like that, Nicole. And this is like sister to sister. Right. When you are a survivor and if your parents passed in a way like I don't know what age, but it just sounds like it was something that was super impactful. And it's like when you're a survivor of things, it's our nature to just band-aid things and move on. You have to, for happiness, for quality of life, you have to stop. And it's hard, too, when you're being successful because you don't want to let the crazy in because it can take you totally off course. You're like, this shit is so bad that if I really go there, a nigga might stay in the house for a year. Like, I don't know mentally if I could do both. If I can be this thing and go out here and do the things that are making me successful and somewhat happy and also tackle this crazy shit in my life that is holding me back

but I'm telling you I'm telling you as a sister you have to you have to and you'll never get to happiness which is the goal at the end of the day with all the shit we doing with you chasing your career the way I'm chasing mine we chasing this shit for happiness you ain't never gonna be happy if you don't go to those things and and heal them for real and a lot of those things are deep-rooted they're in your childhood they're in the times where the breaks happen and how the breaks were handled and treated and if you don't go back to that space let yourself hurt let yourself cry let yourself think let yourself amend and you just keep trying to move on these things will present themselves to you over and over and over again are you in therapy

no have you ever been in therapy i went last year for like two months three months months. And I was like, this lady's stupid. Word. I was like, this lady's dumb. I was like, I felt like the whole time I was just wowing the lady. Like she would be like, she would be like, and then you survived that? And I was like, this bitch is, this is not a comic book, bitch. This is my life.

I gotta get out of here. That's really funny. Because you speak like you speak like someone who's had a lot of therapy i just lived i just seen it i seen it play out in my life but if you pay attention if you just choose to tap in you've seen it play out and you know i mean i just really watched it and when i really started to hear those things I watched my life shift I watched my life truly change I watched me change and it was like oh man like my mother used to always tell me there's no shortcuts to life and I didn't understand it I used to always because I would be trying to do little sucker shit cheat on my homework like fill out the back of the you know go to the answers when they give the odd and my mother's always said there's no

shortcut to life there's no shortcut to life somewhere like go back do it and i and now that i'm an adult i take that wholeheartedly fully it's in every aspect there isn't you don't get to to move around this shit it is what it is and it's in your face and you could pretend but it's gonna keep hitting you bro ain't no you either deal with it or you don't but there's no shortcut there's no i'll patch this up but i won't deal with the real issue or i'll i'll fix this part of myself but not this part of myself you can't do that you have to deal with the whole and you have to just be fearless enough to go there but you're already fearless enough because you went here. You know what I'm saying?

But it took so much to get here. Right? As a black woman, as a woman who isn't fitting the typical body standard, as a dark skinned woman. It takes so much to get here that the fear is, do I even have another shit in the tank if i open this shit up do i even got it because i burnt it i burnt it and that's the white privilege shit like when we start talking about white privilege when we really get woke we really get woke we really get in touch with who we are and that's for gay people too all shit. That's what we need to talk from. Because that's the only thing they'll fucking understand. Humanity.

They're not going to understand what your bills are. Because they got fucking bills. They're not. That's. No nigga. This is how this shit made me fucking feel. And this is how this shit derails my fucking life. Mm-hmm.

This is real. Because that's real. You put all your energy into defeating them their stereotypes their standards how the fuck you gonna have something left to fix yourself i feel that a lot like when i go to therapy sometimes i'll cancel therapy because i'm like i don't have it in me to talk about me because I just spent you know a week like I when I was doing promo for my book it really took a lot out of me to like keep talking about Black Lives Matter or like see stuff on social media where you're like oh cool so like another you know black person was arrested for a protest or like fucking murdered or whatever I was like I don't want to talk about me I don't want to talk about the actual things in my life that upset me because so much in the world is upsetting me and

then you find out that like I didn't get this part for like whatever reason it's just like it's just so much and I feel like my life my feelings I fully put on the back burner because i'm like i'll get to it one day after i get to the point in my career where i'm satisfied but then a lot of times i'm like i don't think i'll ever be satisfied what does that mean and i mean i think it means it's bullshit where i'm i like very slowly work on myself because i'm like not overly ambitious but like truly don't have enough you know like headspace to deal with all of it yo real shit who does i don't even believe in therapy for black people i'm on this new wave that's not real it's not how do you how how do you get therapy

in the house of your abuser it doesn't make sense if a woman's getting beat by a man they don't go to therapy they go get the fuck out the house leave first i do get away therapy though specifically because for me i gotta talk about something a lot until i get it but we should be talking to each other. Yeah. Because we get it. They get their way. I feel like every black person that's been in therapy heard the tools and been like,

I can only use two. Because the rest of this shit is goofy. Mm-hmm. That's why Ayana works. That's why Ayana is god of niggas. Who's Ayana? Ayana Vinzant. Cause she's like still black. Oh yes.

Yes. Yes. It'd be like, okay, but we going to be, that's, that's the only black therapy I agree with. And Oprah likes her.

So that's good. That's the only, I don't, I don't even usually champion things. Oprah champions, but that's the only black therapy I agree with. You don't like Oprah. I mean, I like oprah but sometimes i would be oprah my favorite is when oprah brings shit in from her garden she's like look what i grew i mean you didn't grow shit lady you didn't do none of this she grew that oprah grew that i believe that

no she didn't grow nothing she ain't monique monique when monique bring things in from the garden monique grew that grew that but i love monique oprah sprayed them things oprah hit them with something you think she put a little water on them yeah she does workouts in her i think it's her living room where there's a painting of her and her husband behind her and it's very funny. What are you looking at? What's going on in your house? I don't know. I hear music.

I hear Biggie Smalls. Is your girl playing for you? Hey, Google. Stop. Something we said made him play hypnotize. Wait, you call her Google? Google. That's adorable.

I like your relationship. No, that was my Google. Wait, what's your Google? My Google home. Google. My Google home. Oh, Google. Hey, Google.

I thought you called your girlfriend Google. And I was like, that's adorable. I love this so much. That must have been wild for you to hear. I love your relationship with Google. Yeah, I was like, that's adorable. I love this so much. That must have been wild for you to hear. I love your relationship with Google. Yeah. Well, Sam, we've come to the end. We did it, Nicole.

I usually ask all my guests this. I've only missed it a couple times, but would you date me? Um. You know what? No lie. When I first turned out, I was like, I'm trying to just see what all the ladies is about. You are cool enough that I would have been down.

Thank you, Sam. Yeah, I'm like, let me just you, Sam. Yeah, I don't mind. Let me just go see what she about. I love that. Sam, do you have anything you want to promote? Nope. Yes, you do. You're special.

I mean, oh, yeah, I have a special out. It's called Three in the Morning. It's on Netflix. You can watch it. She also writes for SNL, so you can watch it she also writes for snl so you can watch that too give her some resigies um yeah hit me with i'll promote that hit me with um network tv resigies yes it's good it's good when you get those little envelopes you say oh it's a good day or it's a day where it's a penny and then you're like what the fuck i just open them and i go reparations and i dance so do i um if you like this episode of why won't you date me you can like it you can subscribe you can rate it on itunes and if you write me something dirty

hitting on me or just something dirty in general i will read it this person tweeted at me nicole buyer you should make an only fans page i know there's got to be more guys like me that want to see your beautiful body naked he tweeted that at 5 a.m he's a creep i like him 5 a.m just thinking about naked fat bodies that's my friend i just feel like he could have been like nicole you should take me on a date he's like Nicole you should bust that pussy wide open and then monetize that shit

on OnlyFans I'm sure there's a lot of men who want to see that pussy busted wide open bust that shit bust that wet ass

pussy open I don't think you doubt that I don't think you're like will people look if I bust it open I think you're sure

people will look I'm sure people would look I just don't think it's in me that look. I'm sure people would look. I just don't think it's in me. That's what I'm saying. You don't want to do that. He just, he just, come on. I don't like him. No, he's rude. All right. Well, that's it. Bye-bye. This has been a Team Coco production.