Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Left for my Best Friend (w/ Tika Sumpter)

Episode Date: April 22, 2022

Actress Tika Sumpter (Sonic The Hedgehog 1 & 2) recounts the times that boys have left her for her best friend, losing her expensive engagement ring, and meeting her partner on a Tyler Perry set.  Nicole realizes she has abandonment issues, and campaigns to be cast in Sonic the Hedgehog 3.  We're running low on dirty messages! Write Nicole something nasty and send it to [e-mail] for a chance to have it read on-air.   Black Lives Matter. Click here for an updated list of over 100 different things you can do to support racial justice.   Follow Nicole Byer: Tour Dates: linktr.ee/nicolebyerwastakenTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerNew Merch!! podswag.com/datemeNicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

🎵 Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! 🎵 🎵 🎵 Ooh, baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me, a podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single. Even though you could steal all of my pants and say, I guess you're Winnie the Pooh, bitch. I think I've done that one before. Marissa, have I said that before? That feels new to me. I like that one. Okay, good.

So my guest today is an actress that you know from Gossip Girl, Mixed Dish, The Have Not. No, shit. Fuck. The Haves and The Have Not. Also, she was in Sonic, a movie that I cried to. I cried four times. I loved it. Sonic just wanted a friend, and I felt like I could relate in the moment.

And she's also in Sonic the Hedgehog 2, and I'm so excited that it's coming out. I'm really upset. Nobody asked you to be tailed. Anyway, it's Tika Soto. No, girl. You're hilarious. Tika. Hi, Mama. Hi, hi, hi, hi hi hi hi it's so funny you were reminding me of the first time we met and I was like we have met before and I couldn't remember I was like it

felt like on a set but I was like but we've never acted together because you're you're in a different league than I am are you kidding darling are you kidding we must act together. I would love it. I would too. I think you're so wonderful. You're so wonderful on your show. I mean, I literally was like, Nicole is on a show. I need to watch the show. And you're fantastic on it, as usual. Thank you. The movie you did with Tiffany, what was the name of that movie?

Nobody's Fool. Yes, you were such a good funny straight man to her and I like really appreciate when the straight man or the person who's like I hate fun is actually like funny like and I think you do

that so well and the same with Sonic I could talk about Sonic for my whole life I and Sonic I felt like you were like oh okay James Marston you're like being a little crazy but like you were still funny about it and I really appreciate it

I like I loved Sonic like I cannot I've seen it three times I watched it the first time cried and then started it again and i i cried again like i love it because it's about friendships and it's about finding your people and you know friends who become family and all that good stuff if you love sonic one you're

gonna love sonic too so oh boy i'm so excited i like unpacked it in therapy that's how shook i was that i liked sonic so much and my therapist was like well you know sonic he goes fast from what you said she like wasn't familiar i was like he goes so fast he just needs a friend and she was like maybe you're relating maybe you're relating your adhd and how you bounce around and how sometimes people don't like that but you have found people in your life who do like that. So you really relate to Sonic's journey. You're like, I get you, Sonic.

I understand. It's like, we're like, sit your ass down, Sonic. You're like, wait, I get that. I'm like, I get it. People tell me to sit down all the time. I'm truly tearing up right now talking about Sonic. I love it. I love that you're so vulnerable.'re so sweet and nicole i liked

you ever since i first met you were just so i don't know your spirit is so good you have such a good spirit oh thank you my mom once said she said um it's easier to smile than frown and uh treat like she was like just be nice to people because you want people to be nice to you and that did take me like a little bit to learn but it's like how i truly live my life now like when i was little i was a real big bully she bought me this book called bootsy barker bites and it's about like a bully who's just so mean and then have you ever read it no but what made you become why were you a bully at what age oh young like i would say elementary school because i think it's one of those things where you see other kids

be me and you're like i can do that too okay the people seem to respect that um but she bought this book bootsy barker bites and the gist of it is like just be weirder than your bully right but the bully bootsy had this fabulous hat and these fabulous shoes and I couldn't get past that I was like but mom she might be mean but she does it with style like I loved Cruella DeVille I was like I love her the car the clothes Anita darling yeah all good All good. Tika, tell me how you got into acting. Oh, well, in the beginning. No, I mean, you know, as a kid growing up in Queens, Hollis, Queens, there's no like there's no pathway to acting. You're like you don't know anybody around you can get who has gotten there. I mean, even like so far, like nothing.

You don't know anybody. So you're just watching TV and you're just, even though you're like, oh my God. In my little mind, I remember thinking I want to be in that box, you know? And then letting that go and like never being like, I'm going to be an actress, you know? Like ever, never. I remember going after school and there's this like this like open dance and they would always play I had the time and I would yeah and I would do this like open like I remember going on stage just doing this kind of free dance and uh that's about it that's as far as it went and then I'm

and then I moved to Long Island and um you know, I really started being like, you know, I think I want to do this. I don't know how I'm going to get a book and literally read it and figure out step by step how to become an actress. And then I got one of my jobs, one of my many jobs in junior high and high school. I worked at a movie theater. And so then I would use my funds to take the Long Island Railroad to go to New York and started taking acting classes and then started knocking on doors and being like so green, doing all the wrong things. And that's kind of just how I learned. It is so funny. When you first start, there is literally no one who's like, this is how you actually audition. Like, learn your lines. Yeah, like I didn't I never

learned my lines until i took an acting class after i moved to la where he was like honestly if you don't have the time and they give you the sides in the room just learn the first three lines because it seems like you made a choice and you kind of like you're kind of like tricking them but he's like but also you can learn the lines in 15 minutes yeah you just have to concentrate and just fucking do it that's what you want to do and i was like oh i guess if i put my mind to it i can do it and he was right yeah i don't even think i was that far i was i was re-knocking on casting directors doors after they already told me no they're that they're looking for curly hair and i took out my braids and i like had a crinkly hair

and i was like hey here i am and they're like oh my god this I love this is truly you came back in a costume you were like my hair is different I'm a different person oh yes the headshot has the same name but like I'm different that's how like like green I was so literally learning step by step that's so fucking funny i love that um i yeah i don't think i ever knocked on a casting director's door but when i was an acting skew they did tell us to make um postcards and send them and in my brain i was like if i got a postcard that i didn't ask for i would maybe look at it but i would definitely throw it away. And I think that's what happens. Yeah, I mean, what if it comes all like, you know, the post office sometimes.

It's like, there's stamps all over the place. It's crinkled. It's ripped. It's like, okay. I know. I don't know. I want to know if casting directors liked it, actually. Like, who came up with that idea?

I don't know. Probably one person that it worked for. And they were like, here's the secret. Postcards. Here's my secret. Go to Reproductions in New York City. Oh, Reproductions! Tika, what a throwback for me. I know.

Oh my god, listeners, Reproductions is the place to go to get your box of a thousand headshots, postcards, and little business cards. and it's so expensive and they they do an excellent job but it is so expensive and it's the only place they tell you to go to the only place and it's back when they had the black and white headshots and when they became in color it was like why are they doing that you know it was like that looks so fake

now it's like the standard yeah i i came up when there was like it was a shift there was old school people who were like no color and then there's people who are like black and white we're not in black and white so like color works and it was just so and i got them my first headshots are in black and white and color the colored ones i didn't wear my contacts the black and white ones you better believe i wore my blue contacts for some mystery what is her ethnicity definitely black and they're definitely fake i used to wear brown uh brown contacts really yeah like hazel i love them i love them so much i don't fuck with the hazel because I was like, too close to my color. But there's still mystery.

It's like, oh, wow, our eyes. They look like cats, but also fake. Yeah, that's the thing. They have not, it is so wild that we have made it all the way to 2022 and nobody has figured out how to make color contacts look real. But you can get laser what you can get like yeah like you can get that thing you know tiny she got that blue her blue eyes

yes it's like a real thing that's scary that's scary i won't even get lasik because they told me a laser was gonna hit my eyeball and i said i've seen final destination five or whatever one is where someone's getting LASIK and it fucking burns their eyeball out of their head and they fall out a window. I was like, I'm not that's not for me. I'm not falling out of a window. Right, right. No, I know. That's like intense. But they do have they came up with that.

But it only lasts for a certain amount of time. See, that's the thing about surgeries and stuff. I think that's why thing about surgeries and stuff. I think that's why I'm going to stay all natural. Like if you get breast implants, every like 10 years or so, you got to like re-up. Yep.

You got to readjust. You got to make sure they're not leaking. That's scary. Like leaking into your fucking butt. No, thank you. I know. I know they have a whole show on that about all that stuff. So it's very interesting.

Oh yeah, botched. No, another one. K. Michelle is on that about all that stuff. So it's very interesting. Oh yeah, botched. No, another one. K. Michelle is doing it on Lifetime now. Oh. It's like butt implants. It's like all the stuff that went wrong. Oh no. I kind of like, okay, I don't want like butt implants.

I have a very large butt and I know that and I love it. But I just want to like round it out a little. You know, like there's, I just want to like round it out a little. You know, like there's, I was talking to a friend and I was like explaining what I wanted rounded out and they were like,

that's the part you sit on. That's why it's like a little flatter. Like that's where you sit. So like that's, you're fine. You're fine. But if you wanted to do like squats, they really do raise your butt up.

I should do more squats. I'm telling you, your butt will like go like it'll just, you know, guys out there. I'm just lifting it up. But it will it will do something. I work out with my trainer. So he used to live in L.A. After Trump won, he was like, all of you are fucking nuts because he's from Scotland. So he moved to England.

So we do it over zoom and is that it's great i don't mind yeah okay cool because i genuinely like him and then he's got like enough space in his apartment to like show me how to do stuff um but there was like a solid two or three months where i was doing it three days a week i was feeling good i was refreshed my butt looked fucking fierce because i was doing like romanian deadlifts and and uh turkish get-ups or whatever the fuck they're called and my butt looks so good and then i got busy and my butt got droopy again i went back and that's the circle of life for my butt yeah tika butt needs to be maintained.

Yeah. Can I ask you a question? Of course. Okay. This is going to sound like ass kissy or whatever, but you're beautiful. You're funny. Were you like this growing up? And did you have an easy time dating in your youth as a teen?

No, I did not. Really? I tell people this all the time. So I always ask my mom, what was I? I think I remember what I was like. I oppressed so many things. Like I get this stuff out through during therapy. And she's like, you were just observant. You like watched a lot. You, you know, you watched your sister make all their mistakes and all that stuff and just kind of was quiet. And so, you know, in school, I didn't really date that much. But when I did, they always left me for my best friend.

Oh, no. I remember going on a high school trip to Great Adventures. Yes. In Jackson, New Jersey. Honey, sitting on the bus ride. All of our friends around. My best friends behind me i'm sitting next to my boyfriend um and on the way home i was not sitting next to my boyfriend oh my boyfriend and

my best friend were sitting in front of me kissing oh my god i don't know if that's the best friend that's not nice not anymore she's not anymore Oh my God. And then it happened again. Like I, you know, I, I, and I was like, so like, oh, he's going to, at first he, I was like, he's going to come back to me. And then my other best friend had to like smack me out of it and be like, cause I would talk to him all her all the time. Like, oh, he's going to come back. He, he looked at me today and she's like, he does not like you. And and I'm like I was so mad at her but actually she's still my best friend to this day she told me she goes I remember well she was being real she was like he don't like you sometimes you need that like shake of reality to be like oh yeah oh yeah

he don't like me he actually scowls at me he don me. Oh, he's walking hand in hand with the other girl. Yeah, no. That wasn't a look toward me. See, okay. That's a friend. Yeah, no, that's a friend. She's like my best friend. And then I dated this other guy.

You know, he's super popular. You know, I was like, ooh, you know, all these things. And then the new girl from another city comes in oh everybody wants to date the new girl who gets dropped right away oh no was it you it was me oh that bums me out I like whenever people are like, it's very weird to refer to you, to your face as a pretty person. When pretty people say. Well, can I tell you this though?

I went through growing phases. If you saw my first modeling picture, you would take that back. I had some real awkward phases in high school. Ooh, it was bad. There was, I have one school picture where my hair is half up, half down. And then the, like the ends are bumped up.

They're like just flipped up. And I hated the way it looked. And it was for school pictures. And I just didn't smile. And I truly look like a convict. Like it looks like a mugshot. It looks like I'm going in for a minute and it is one of my favorite pictures i look so mad yeah i have many and they were phases of like just trying

to figure out what i need to do with my life and my hair and my contacts and i didn't know what i was doing you know what i mean my name plate and know, there was just like, and then my baggy phase and, you know, all that stuff. God, I love a name plate. I just bought one. I have the hardest time finding like a double plated name plate necklace. I was like, that's what I want. I had one.

I lost it and it took forever, but I finally found one and the plate is gold, but the chain is not. So I'm like, okay okay now i have to take it somewhere else it's a whole thing it's a whole thing okay here's another question for you are you married single dating or care not to share i am engaged in getting married in may oh my god it's april that's a long way to your congratulations can i see the ring yes uh yes bitch that's nice did you pick it out did they pick it out he yes he he picked it out he picked it out nick picked it out and he did a really good job and

the crazy thing is i lost the first one oh do you mean i lost it and he was amazing and sweet and kind and he had it insured thank god okay yes and so what a treat that would have been terrible oh i didn't tell him for like a few days I was like oh my god this is horrible um but he's a he's just a good dude and just you know it's crazy who you think you know in in date while you're dating who you think it's gonna be and then who it actually be is and you're like of course so how did you meet tell me all about it. Oh my gosh. We're that story. We met on set of the half and the half nots and Tyler Perry's Thonios. And you know, Tyler doesn't like when people date in when they're working together.

Cause it could be messy. Yeah. Because I think there's been a situation before where it can, it got messy and he just doesn't want any of that, but not saying that you can't, it's just like, not like let's go and do that. And that actually, a few couples actually happened off of that show not saying that you can't it's just like not like let's go and do that and that actually a few couples actually happened off of that show but um yeah i was tired um from the

day and he it was like his first week on the set and i had a scene with him and he just made me laugh the entire time and then i like gave him my number and I was like, Hey, if you guys are going out at all, like, give me a call. Did he call? No, no, no, he didn't. He didn't call. He was like, I know he said, I thought I was married already. And I was like, I wouldn't have given you my number. Um, and then his friend had to basically tell him like uh tico likes you and so yeah and and then we went out and we kissed on the first night and that was that oh my god what a dream how cute i love it i love that you like meet and he's like ha ha ha and you're like and then you kiss and then it's forever i I love this. How long ago was that? That was almost probably, we met like seven years ago. Oh my God.

How sweet. I love it. Okay. Seven years ago. So who proposed to who and where was it? It wasn't romantic. Okay. So we did everything the opposite way of how society does it.

We dated really quickly. We got pregnant really quickly. And we looked at each other and go, we're doing this? Okay, we're doing this. And we had a baby first and we bought a house together next. And then we put the baby in the house and we renovated the house. And then that first Christmas that Ella was born, he asked, he had like a note by her and he pulled out the box and he's like, hey babe, and he got on his knee and said all this stuff. And I was like, are you sure?

I'm a lot. You got me weeping at noon 30. What a treat are you sure i'm a lot oh my god i fucking love that yeah that was my first words he was like i was like yeah i am a lot and i know i am so are you to do this for like, do you still want to? And he was like, yes. So, you know, those are my first words.

The funniest part is like, you were basically already, you have a child, you're living in a house together, like you're already doing it. And it's just like a ceremony, a piece of paper. And you were like,

are you sure? Are you like, we're already doing it, but like, I thought you gotta be sure about it. Oh my God. That's so fucking cute i love that wait so you renovated your house and your and your like relationship survived like i love to hear about this what did you renovate the whole house the whole house so he actually found the house and i was like it was like 1980s throwback inside it was like pink bathrooms rocks on the wall like fake rocks yeah it was a mess and so I mean it was cool back then you

know what I'm saying somebody really did that somebody was like I need rocks on the wall that's wild I don't even faucet you, I probably would have walked in the house and been like, perfect as is. I love tacky shit. We did keep the gold faucets, though, because I thought they were cool. But they're not in our house. They're just like laying around. So, yeah, he literally helped renovate our house with his friend who is a contractor. And, you know, he was just demoing walls.

And I was like, you know, the baby's demo demoing walls and try. And I was like, you know, the baby's coming soon. Like, is it going to be ready? And, you know, we gave up our apartment that we lived in together and, and yeah. And then he, he really helped make it happen. This I love. I'm obsessed with like home renovation shows. Me too. Do you watch rock the block? I haven haven't i've watched episodes of that but my thing is like hometown or okay i love hometown i'm so so about hometown well i know because it's in mississippi uh-huh uh-huh like the ghost of oppression's coming out yeah what i love about it is like you can buy a house for like 30 000 i know it's

fucking wild like and put 40 000 in it and have a whole house i'm always like amazed in california i don't think people know it's like there's a house by me going for three million dollars and i was like what and i i looked at the pictures and i was like this is pretty but like that seems to be a lot and then there was another house by me that went for 2.1 and it was a full-blown teardown like it was there was nothing salgable salvageable salvage there was nothing good in that house it was like truly wild like i i didn't go to the open house but it just like the pictures gave me like, they made me itchy.

Do you know what I mean? Like it was just nasty. Oh my God. I was like, that's California's tomb. It's insane. It's insane. But if you go outside of California,

New York, I feel like you can find something that's reasonable, you know, within reason. But I do love, you know who I love on rock the block, Egypt, Sherrod and her husband.

Yes, they're crushing it this season. They're having, oh my God, their house is really nice. Really nice. I'm like, okay, Egypt. Yeah, and she's a realtor. And I was like, you have a fucking eye for design. I think we could do a double, I almost just said double major,

but like double employment uh-oh what double career i think she does i think she does she does oh she does she's still a realtor and then she also does design ah she's and she recently was on a commercial a little like this big commercial i said okay egypt i'm proud i'm proud of them i love that my my black couple is crushing it I know me too me too um the first season of rock the block I'll tell you it's fun but season two I had such a good time because Ty Pennington comes and I would say this to his face he truly seems like he drank a little too much and his wife was like you can't be in the house anymore. And he's like, okay, I'll take this job.

There's empty homes. I'll sleep in here. And that like underlying thing that I've like made up in my brain really makes it that much more enjoyable. I love type Heddington. Is he the same as when we met him in the beginning? Like he's like this, like fresh.

No, no, no. He's been through life. He, he got left on the counter and uh they didn't steal the bag he a little a little stale but also still like really exciting and it's funny because i feel like a lot of his stuff is adr because i'm like because i'm like maybe ty just couldn't remember

it all and they're like we'll just get it later because they'll be like him being like okay gang and then they'll cut to something else and i'll be like here's what you're doing today and i'm like why didn't we keep the camera on him for that like what is going on I'm having a blast I love type heading to oh my god I love it I love it also you got to watch house hunters renovation I don't know if they

I love well I like house hunters like when they go across to another country I don't love that why I don't there's I think it's because they're only really looking at apartments and i like houses yeah they're like oh rented yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah no i get that did you like um did you like magnolia what are those the the two oh okay that's joanna and and what is his name? Joanna and.

Mitch? No. Bob. No. No. It's. Oh, my God. He has red hair.

Yeah. Mike. No. Her husband. I forgot her husband's name. I can't remember his name. But like there was a time on their show where he was going through it or their marriage was going through it. Oh, really?

Yes. There's like a like a whole season where like he just seems not okay and she's like a little exasperated and i was like yikes you could just take a break from shooting you don't have to shoot during this and like we have to make the money yeah they're like we got these target orders we got these target orders okay so i liked them until they put barn doors on everything and i'm like if i'm moving into a house and the bathroom has a fucking sliding barn door where there is no actual privacy, I can't live here. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, after a while became a little repetitive, but their aesthetic is pretty. It is. And I do like when she does like wallpaper, like something fun. Yes, yes. What is his name? It's gonna haunt me. Okay, Tika, we have to take a break. And we're back. Okay. So a little birdie told me that you like 90 Day Fiance. Oh my gosh. Literally. I think we were watching it last night. Gosh, literally, I think we were watching it last night.

We're obsessed. Have you been watching before the 90 days? Yes, that too. Are you caught up? Wait, what? Okay, so before the 90 days is yes. Oh, this is Kim in Columbia. Is he?

Yes. Mike and Jimena. Oh, this. Okay, guys, I'm going to spoil something. If you watch 90 day oh my god skip ahead so this man mike met this girl jimena on a campsite and then like started a transactional relationship that was going to be fulfilled physically when he went to columbia and she was like i will learn to love him and then she was like i I will learn to love him. And then she was like, I cannot love him. He is disgusting. So then he turns on her and is like, I bought everything. I'm taking everything back. And I was like, my dude, you don't understand the agreement that you signed up for.

She fulfilled her end. Wait, but don't you think that was what I feel like when she got that he got there. She was like, Oh, let me butter this up and like love on you. I know he was paying for everything, but I think he thought it was a real relationship. He remember he never dated anybody. This is his first girl.

He has seen a movie. He has seen many. I don't know if Mike has seen a movie. I don't know. And his brothers even said like uh-huh they're worried because yes he's like he's almost childlike you know what i mean like sweet well i also think he's a little deceitful because everyone around him was like she's a gold digger she's taking your money and not once did he go oh I met her on a website where I had to pay for her time oh is that what it was yes oh so you're not caught up wait maybe I missed that part oh no I ruined this for you no I I'm past that we've

already we're in the relationship already like where she's like I don't want to sleep with you anymore yeah he's like what okay so there's an episode after that oh I gotta look I gotta go back last week's episode revealed oh I'm ruining this for you you're not you're not I'm gonna watch it anyway honey okay oh my god don't tell me anymore okay okay okay okay oh my god oh so it was transactional yeah it's it's he's in the wrong because he didn't tell everyone what whole thing he left out the part where he met her and it really colors everything in the whole thing because i was so mad i was like go home like what are you doing yes but this next episode you're gonna be like oh because she looks disgusted oh she hates him you can tell like you can see it through the tv you're like you don't like him like even his friend was like she does

not like you yeah she was she said she's disgusted by you mike you gotta just come home jesus poor mike oh i love 90 day fiance i love i'm obsessed i had darcy and stacy on the podcast and they are iconic they are legendary they they sang at one point like i what a dream they i just i yeah i i gave up on that show but oh yeah you did i did i gave what i was into it when they were on 90 day and all that and i just gave up on i was like this is my life has enough drama in it for all of us and i don't need any i don't need any more stress i mean you're missing out on um they go on this trip to turkey and it's great and they're just like twin butts and they get their butts done and or they like do this electric shock thing to their butts they like twin butts and they get their butts done.

And or they like do this electric shock thing to their butts. They get new noses. They get new boobs. In Turkey? In Turkey, they get new veneers. They like get like not mommy makeovers. I don't know what the fuck you want to call it. But they get like twin makeovers.

It's truly perfect. Oh, my God. Look, they have their own show. So obviously they're iconic. I love them so much. They're great. They're great. Sometimes I wish I could be like, you ever watch the shows where it's like

everybody comes back together, the reunions. And sometimes I just want to be like, hold on a second. Let me get in here. Cause y'all ain't asking the right questions exactly like I need I need y'all to know this is what we're thinking yes and I love Shawn Robinson but like I love her sometimes love her they point her in the wrong direction where she's asking like sex stuff or like salacious stuff and I'm like no no no I want to know why this person ran away and thought it was okay to run the way they did.

Yep, yep. Or you knew this is what you signed up for. Why are you acting like this isn't transactional? Like, you know what I mean? Like all the questions that you're like, no, you're not going to just get away with saying, you know what I mean? This thing, I don't know.

I just feel like there needs to be an extra little head in there popping in and out. I agree. Okay, Tika, I got it. We got to talk more about relationships and less about reality television. Those are about relationships. I guess it is. It is about reality television. I can't believe I ruined the next episode for you.

You did not ruin it. Okay, there's a scene that your jaw is going to drop. Anyway, okay, so when you start dating somebody when do you like when do you like ask them to be your like boyfriend or girlfriend like did nick say be my girlfriend and it feels wild as a 35 year old woman to be like so when does that happen well no it's true it's so funny because until you're, so when does that happen? Well, no, it's true. It's so funny because until you're with somebody, when that does happen, you're like, oh, because so I've been at the opposite end where I didn't know where I stand.

And now I say, if you don't know where you stand, you stand nowhere. That's what I say. Okay. You know what I mean? Like if you're like, and if you're scared to like, well, what are we doing? And if you're calling all your friends asking and you're not able to like say, what is this? Then that's that's a little flag. I don't know if it's red, but it's like an orange flag of like, OK, you don't feel comfortable enough to understand where you can even ask that question.

Because for me, when I met Nick, he he's a fully formed dude who's like, no, I'm going to this is when I'm asking. I'm asking you. I remember i was at my mom's house and we were um i made this like little space for me like this upstairs you know place for when i like wanted to just like get away from everything and go home and he came over and he was with me and met you know knew my mom and he's like would you be my girlfriend you know and I was like at first I'm like what are we 10 you know but it's so true like you need to know what you are right because in past relationships I felt like I was like oh I don't know what are we and asking all my girlfriends when I should have been like why don't I know where we stand we're doing everything else

right I know where we stand when we're together in bed I know where we stand? We're doing everything else, right? I know where we stand when we're together in bed. I know where we stand, you know what I mean? Where you asked me to go to a movie with you or hang out with you, but I don't know where I stand in a relationship. That's odd. Yeah, it just feels like, I mean, I don't think I've ever been far enough

in something to like ask, but I have asked. So before the pandemic, that's the last like steady thing i had um how long was it for oh god i think three months okay yeah because it was i was in italy came back yeah for new year's i love to just like go away and spend new years not in the country um the year before i think was mexico and the year before that was something else i don't know anyway um i met him on hinge we made plans to meet up uh when i got back and then it was like nice until march and then i was like this isn't

serious who cares and then he was like people are dying nicole and i was like yeah right and then right people were dying and then he was like um i was like yeah hit me up when the pandemic ends and then that was two years ago um wait a second so what went wrong like what so i don't understand what happened it was wild so on our first date i got real drunk and slept over his house and i woke up like a little troll i was like hello and my wig was askew and my lashes were coming like off one was like uh glued onto the eyelid and as opposed to like my lash line um and then he was like can i make you breakfast and i was like I love breakfast. And then as I was like, Oh,

I guess we were making breakfast. And he was, I said, what are you doing later? And he was like, Oh no, my parents are coming over and we're going to lunch. Do you want to meet him?

And I was like, what? No. And I told that to my therapist, my therapist was like, I mean, if you feel comfortable moving super fast, why not?

And I was like, okay. And then he invited me on a trip with him and his dad. And I was like, no. And then I was like, my therapist again was like, why not? What's the worst thing that his dad and i was like no and then i was like my therapist again was like why not what's the worst thing that happens and i was like i don't know

so then on our third date or fourth date i was like do you want to like not see other people like do you want to like lock this up and he was like i don't know if i believe in monogamy and i was like oh okay oh so those conversations weren't had in the beginning of what you want no okay that's really important to have conversations in the beginning whether it's you know a real future together what are you looking for are you looking for just fun are you looking for you know a boyfriend and girlfriend type thing that can grow do you want kids like all that are you polyamorous whatever is that like a first date type deal i think those are just converse like regular conversations yeah it's like do you have any

kids i don't think i've ever asked anyone if they have kids i always just assume that people don't and i am just getting older and it's like yeah people will have fucking kids nicole yeah yeah those are real. But those are conversations that don't have to be deep or like, do you have kids? It's just like, so tell me about yourself. Do you have kids? Like, what do you believe in on like about relationships? Are you about monogamy or are you about like expanding that world and like needing other?

Like, what do you want? You know, those are not like oh my god i gotta get so deep it's just real questions i feel like i guess the thing i'm the most worried about is like oh no what if what if i scare him away oh what if he goes ah too much too soon but i guess that's not for you yeah yeah that. Like I, we've all been in that situation where you're like, I'm, I'm, I'm doing a lot, you know, but you can't hold back who you are seriously. And especially as you get older, you start just not caring. And you're like, you either really like me or you don't, you know, and somebody will love all of who you are seriously but also what do you want i think what i want in okay so i'm

like horny all the time that's just like my baseline but i think i'm horny for love i think i want i think i want like someone to come home to someone to watch tv with yeah um someone to go on like vacations with yeah um double dates i seem like a nice time they are when it's with the right double date i just like see couples out and i'm like wow they're on a double date like just to be like wow we're together and you're together isn't that a fun thing we have in common but do you do you want like a lot so you want a long-term relationship yes you want a monogamous relationship i think so i think i'm like a little too crazy for someone to date someone else while we're dating. Yeah. And that's fine.

Like you don't need to bend on the things that you're not going to be. You're going to be a crazy lady. Do you want to be crazy lady or do you want to be like Nicole? I mean, Nicole is a little crazy, but I, that's okay. But you're,

you're crazy. Yeah. You're not crazy lady with dating somebody. Yeah. I want to, I don't want the other person to make me more crazy. I like that baseline crazy. Yeah. You're not crazy lady with dating somebody else. Yeah. I don't want the other person to make me more crazy. I like the baseline crazy I have going on. I love it.

Well, I'm going to keep my eyes open and my ears to the ground. Please. Do you have any single friends? I think we do. Wait. What is your type, though? See, here's the thing. I personally don't have a type.

I tend to date tall, nerdy looking people who wear glasses. But I love people who are just like attractive to me, which is like a very, very loose thing to say to somebody. When they're like, what's your type? And I'm like, attractive to me. Yeah, I know. I know what you mean. I do like funny, but they don't have to be like so funny,

but they have to like get my jokes and they have to like. And sense of humor. Yeah. Okay. I like a job, you know. That's good. That's nice. Also, I mean, it does sound wild, but I do like a taller person. I like because like I'm a big round lady and I'm fine with it. But I like to be enveloped and I feel like a tall person does that.

Does that. OK. Because you're like five. What? OK. So I found out this year or maybe it was last year that I 5'5". I spent my whole adult life thinking I was 5'7". It was really awful. It's because my best friend, Sashir Zameda, I think I told this story on the podcast, but you'll listen to it again. So we were both 5'7 for a point. And I would look at pictures and I'd be like, how are you so much taller than me?

You're not even wearing heels. And she was like, hey, I don't know, Nicole. and she was very kind and just kept being like I don't know and then finally we were recording our podcast and I was like you're lying to everyone you're five nine or something you're huge and then she was like you measure yourself and then I measure myself and I was five five yeah she's like so I'm actually five seven yeah she's like I'm actually five seven and you're the delusional one. Yeah, yeah. I just feel so tall all the time. Well, your confidence soars, so that's amazing.

Thank you. Yeah. I recently went to Syracuse. I think that was, yeah, earlier in April, or maybe it was the end of March. And I was like, maybe I'll meet someone in Syracuse. And I truly didn't take into consideration that I was there for less than 24 hours. And there was truly nothing to do in Syracuse. I was trying to find food.

And every restaurant Yelp was like, this is good, was closed. And then I tried to go to Ruby Tuesdays. And I was like, it literally had two stars. And all the pictures were of like a rotting food. And I was like, okay, I guess Syracuse will not be the place I find love. No, no. And it'll come.

You just gotta, you know, I know people say this all the time. It'll come when it's ready. And like, you gotta just put the energy out there. You gotta be, I think it's not,

um, trying to settle for something that you don't want. You know what I mean? And, and not trying to fit you. I mean, look, at a certain point, you are going to have to say like, is this the kind of person that I can deal with?

Or is this the kind of person that, because every person has something, including my own, where I'm like one minute, sometimes I'm like, I love you. I don't love you. I can't stand you.

Get out of my face. I want my own space. You know what I mean? Like everybody has something. It's like, what can you handle? And what can you learn to understand about this person? It's not that they're going to be the perfect one for you. They're just going to be who your person, it's just who your person is and you dealing

with everything they are. Yeah, that's like also an interesting thing because I never think about that aspect where it's like, oh, I have to accept things that I might not like in somebody. I spent a lot of time being like, I'm a lot and they're going to have to really like deal with how, how loud I am all the time. I'm so loud. Sometimes I'm like, I wonder if my neighbors are like, there she goes again. Wait, what do you mean? Are you just screaming in your house? Yes. Yes, Chica. Yes. I'm always screaming. And it's not even a hyperbole. I am truly in my house being like, real quick, we have to take another break.

I want to read you something that I found on Instagram. Okay. And I wonder if you identify with it at all. But I was like, oh, no, this is me. I think I have abandonment issues because i was like scrolling and it like gives you the seven sides of abandonment and i was like oh i'm curious so i was reading it and it says you're eager to please people and give more than you take and i was like i do like to please people and then i'm like people don't need to give me anything doesn't matter okay you get attached easily and form

deep connections early on i love a friend i just like i like people um then this one you feel unworthy of love you uh you so freely give to others and i was like i don't think i'm unworthy of love i just think i'm hard to love. And then as I was like thinking that, I was like, oh, hard to love might just be another word for like unworthy. And I was like, damn girl.

Wow. Yeah. And then you have a habit of settling for less than you deserve all the time. When someone's nice to me, I'm like, we get married now. Like, and you can't,

I can't do that. That's bad. Yeah. And then when someone treats you well, it feels alien. So you subconsciously self-sabotage. Anytime a man is nice to me, I'm like, they're trying to trick me. And it's like, what? Yep.

You find it difficult to fully trust people. Absolutely. What if I tell you a secret and you tell the whole world? So true. And then the seventh one is you're secret and you tell the whole world? So true. And then the seventh one is you're sensitive to criticism and overanalyze your mistakes. And I was like, yeah, I'll make one mistake and think about it for a year. And then I was like, oh, no, I have abandonment issues. Oh, man.

The thing about Instagram is it'll tell you what's wrong with you, but it won't tell you how to fix you. No, it's like, yeah, no, not at all. It's so true. I think everybody like a lot of people have a lot of those issues. I know I I do. And especially when you're in high school, it's in junior high school, those those memories or those moments stick with you because you start thinking, well, maybe I'm not good enough or maybe why do people keep leaving me or whether it's stuff that has to do with family or any of that stuff or trauma. But I think everybody has some of those things. And I think it's figuring out what those things are and going

to therapy to really that's where you get the fix in. You know, that's where you come to your own conclusions of like, wait a second, why do I feel unworthy? Or why do I feel I'm too much? Because I would say that too. I literally said that when he was, I'm like, I'm too much like you're gonna, you know, you're gonna move like, I don't know, it's always this thing of like, somebody moving on or, or because even when I lived in New York, and I dated around, and it was like, I loved too much, and then they ran away away or, you know, all that stuff. So I really believe when you start to really ask yourself questions and get into therapy and understand more of where all of that stuff comes from, then you're able to make better

choices from knowing, ah, I'm doing this thing again, that it's just not true, right? That's just not true about myself. I feel like those better choices and those better options for you come along. Yeah. My therapist said to me once she was like, just ask people questions because you make up a narrative in your head and it's never or not. Never. She's like, it's usually not true. So you just have to put yourself out there and then just like ask somebody.

Ask them if they think you're too much because then they could go, yes. Or they could go, oh no, Nicole, I like it. Like I like that a lot. Like a Sashir, uh, who's my best year friend. I at one point was like, oh, um, I just, I, I, I didn't call you back yesterday cause I felt like you were like busy with other stuff. Didn't want to bother you. Didn't want to bother you. And she was like, you're like busy with other stuff didn't want to bother you didn't want to bother you and she was like you're not a bother she's like I love

you and I'm always happy to talk to you and she was like and if I was busy I just wouldn't have answered but absolutely call me back and then I will call you back and that's how we've lived for the last decade of our friendship you're like oh you're just there's so much going on i see you on instagram you're really busy you know and i got over that like whole the the thing about that logic of like you're busy and i don't want to it's like literally too many deaths have happened to such young people and not not only that but like just people want to be checked in on that's what i've like recognized like you don't know i i've checked in on. That's what I've like recognized. Like, you don't know. I've checked in on friends just out of nowhere. I'm like, I just thought about you.

They're like, oh, my God, girl, it's crazy that you're caught. Like, I needed this. You know what I mean? So it's like you're never. And like I tell my mom, my mom is the worst because I'll be like, I'll call my mom. And she's like, hey, can't talk. OK, I'll call you back. I'm like, girl, just don't pick up the phone.

What are you doing she's the only person who i know if she's busy she picks up and says i'll call you back that's so funny i am your mother i have done shows where uh i like forget to put my phone on airplane mode or whatever because i like to record my sets and somebody will call me and i'll answer the phone and be like hi i'm doing a show right now. Would you like to talk to the audience? And nine times out of ten, they're like, no, why did you answer the phone? Why did you hang up? But my friend Mateo Lane, if he calls me during a show, he will absolutely talk to the audience.

And it's so much fun. But I guess that's why I answer because I'm like, I don't know, something fun might happen. Right. Yeah. No, Nicole, you really I mean, you are not a bother in life. And I think women need to know that you're not a bother. You're not in the way. You're not, you're everything everybody wants to be around, right?

Like goodness, positive energy, funny. And I think more women need to know that because i think we do think we're bothers i think it also so like acting and performing and hosting or whatever i'm like yes take up space i love it pay attention to me i love it and then with like personal stuff and like my personal relationships i'm like if you take up too much space, there won't be enough space for them. And then they'll leave you. Oh my God.

I do have abandonment issues. But you know what? Everybody's a work in progress. You know? Yeah. Everybody's a work in progress. It's hard existing. That's what I'm getting.

Like, it's just so hard. but we, we're glad you exist. Thank you. But here's the deal. I feel like if you, not you, but you, I'm just saying in general, I've just been thinking people come, people go.

Life happens. Money comes. Money goes. All of it is just like fluid, literally. And it's like, life is going to be what it's gonna be. And all of our little like, you know, I feel like all of our little bits that were like, oh my God, don't love me.

It's like, girl, like life is just such a ebb and flow that it's like just letting things go. For me recently, I've just been like, you know what? Literally, this is going to happen and the pendulum is going to swing right back this way. And I just either go with the flow or I'm like, oh, no. And be in my head all the time. And I like, I don't want to be that way. Yeah, I just made a decision not to be

I'm like that with my career like I'm very much like oh I know how to get what I want essentially like uh yeah for the most part um but then in life I'm like well I don't really know how to get what I want well I don't know so like with my career I'm like you know I'll work I won't work I work I don't work it's you know ebbs and flows of that but then in like my personal life i have a hard time just like being chill i'm not oh just do you have a hobby i do have a hobby i started pole dancing like three years ago at this point um so i do that and then i was roller skating but then i dislocated my ankle but i'm like getting back into that okay i love roller skating it's i wish i could do it it's so hard i like i i

understand the mechanics it's shifting your weight yeah from side to side and not lifting your feet but just pushing and gliding yeah and pushing see, I'm doing it in my chair. Right now. Right now. You're doing it. But like getting on my feet and actually doing it. I'm like, I do not understand. And I guess it's the same thing as like someone who like wants to act, but like isn't charismatic.

And they're like, I know how to learn lines. I can say these lines, but it won't be with any sort of feeling in my eyes. You better believe they'll be dead. I get that. So, OK, what advice do you have for me and people like me, the singles, the singles? Um, you know, on our podcast, The Sugar, right, which is we call it the Brown Mama's Guide to the Sweet Life. We always say you don't need to have a baby to be in the club. Like, I feel like nourishment, whether you're an auntie, a cousin, a sister, a best friend. I always feel like one for me, it's always about knowing your worth and being worthy.

And it's the same thing with dating to me. I just feel like. I think you have to go through a ton of like frogs, literally to figure out exactly what you want. And then when you know what you want. Not settling for the frogs that you've already kissed. Right. And not, you know, like not,

not. It's just not, you know, like not, not, it's just not settling anymore. It's like, if you're saying you want this thing, just like in your career, you know how to get the thing, then let's get the thing, right? Let's stop going backwards because we're lonely or you have somebody for that loneliness, right? That's filling that pot. But like, if you, but you just have to date differently like

I remember dating at one point in my life after I had a really love this person and we moved on and and then after that I was like okay what am I date like what what am I looking for I want long term and also I want somebody I'm ready to have a kid. I was literally looking at people like, would he be a good father? Is he, is he consistent? Is he, is he, um, does he show up? Does he do, does he do the things he says he's going to do? Is he kind? Is he, um, just all the things like the, the things that I want somebody to be. And so I started dating like that. And then that thing happened. And I was like, I could say, yes, that's what I want. Right. But in order to move that forward, you got to try not to keep going backwards. Okay. I don't know. Did that make any sense? I think it did make sense. And I think it's good

advice. And I do think it's something I needed to hear because it's like when I am, it's like dating with a purpose as opposed to just being like, anybody will do. Cause anybody won't do. Yeah, I do. I do like that. I really,

yeah. It's dating with a purpose, dating with like, okay, I did all that. Like all the, you know, and,

and really, really getting to the point of like knowing like, like, you have so much to offer, right? And once you know, how much you like you feel in yourself, like in that way, and you're not too much. And you're not because when you know, sometimes like my fiance, he is a lot at times, you know, he's very like, you know, again, like, he can't sit down sometimes like all you know and i'm like okay sit can we watch the show can you not get up and go to the bathroom can you not get another beer you know what i mean can you just sit down but i love that about him too because he's also so like anything you need oh my god like you know he likes to pause 90 day

fiance we fight sometimes over it. Talk about things in our own relationship. And I'm like, I can't stand you, you know. But, you know, and I learned to love that about him, right? I learned to love who he is. So all the things that you think are like these negative things, they're actually not. Somebody will learn to love all of it. I like that.

That's nice. It's nice. Because it i like that that's nice it's nice because it's true that's nice so wait okay so sonic is out now yes sonic's out now okay i don't know if you can tell me this will there be a sonic three yes yes what yes you truly just saw pure joy because I I truly thought you were gonna be like well time will tell

we shall see and you just were like yes no I can't say. Yes, there is going to be a Sonic 3. Ooh, that got me good. Okay, great.

So there's still time for me to campaign to be a Sonic 3. I know, I love it. Truly, I would just love to be a woman on the street and be like, damn, that blue thing was fast. What was that? Oh fast what was that oh what was that and that's it i'll fly anywhere i'll work for a whole month and you can hold me for one day i'll come i'll do i'll do anything i'll be a pa i fucking love sonic um i love it i love it you have been fucking delightful oh thank you nicole do you have anything that you want to promote um no i don't i you don't what about sonic the hedgehog 2 which is out now and sugarberry it's out now audio first media company for black women dedicated to fostering a community

where black women prioritize ownership of their health wealth and pleasure what about these things oh yeah that's true well it's so funny nicole because i feel like all like i feel like our whole medium has become about promoting everything you possibly can and after you have like a real full conversation, you're just like, you guys will hear about it. But like, yes, I'm obviously the sugar. We're on Stitcher and we're super excited about having our company Sugarberry, which is an audio first platform and, you know, bringing other people under the umbrella. So we're super excited about that. And we're about motherhood and just about womanhood in general. But yeah. And then're about motherhood and just about womanhood in general. But yeah.

And then obviously Sonic's out now. And I obviously am working on other things happening. Yes, like Sonic the Hedgehog 3. Hedgehog 3, yes. Yes, all of it. No, I feel like you're always working. And it's like, I don't know, Black Lady to Black Lady. It's just really nice to see you working as much as you do.

And it's like very inspiring. And you're very good at what you do. Like you're lovely to watch and you're so fun. Thank you. Thank you so much. I really appreciate you, Nicole. So are you. You're incredible.

Thank you. You're welcome. Okay, well, that's it for this episode of Why Won't You Date Me? If you like it, you can rate it. You can subscribe, you can give five stars on Apple Podcasts. And if you write me a nasty little review, you can send it to whywontyoudatemeepodcasts

at gmail.com. And Mara's my wonderful producer. She gets to read these. And these awful things that you people write. And then I read them. Okay, so, oh, you know what I stopped doing I stopped asking if people would date me but I think I'm gonna start doing that again Tika would you date me I would absolutely date Nicole of course I would you're incredible and you're hilarious and

you're loud and I can tell you you're loud but can we please watch 90 day fiance without you being loud right now i mean let's no because i scream i will pause it and scream at my tv ben and mahogany is one of the best stories of our time um everything that has happened with that couple i have had to pause my television and scream and scream why what is happening what is happening anyway okay so this is a thing someone wrote to me um a perfect date with nicole we go to olive garden i order soup you order the salad i steal some of your salad and in return let you dunk your breadsticks in my gnocchi we eat way too much soup and way too much salad and take our entrees home later when we're hungry we eat them and while watching before the 90 days you ask about dessert and i pull out the minty chocolates i give you at olive garden love you nicole you're my chicken to

my gnocchi this wasn't dirty this was just about going to olive garden we're running low on dirty message submissions so this is all we had left. Oh my God. Okay. Well, here's what I want to sit on your face and braid your wig. Love ya. There we go. That's a dirty one. Mars, it's so funny. We're running low. Oh, please send them. Bye-bye. That's it for Why Won't You Date Me with me, Nicole Byer. Why Won't You Date Me is produced and engineered by, oh, the sweetest woman I know, Marissa Melnick. It is executive produced by other wonderful people, Adam Sachs, Joanna Solo-Taroff, and Jeff Ross. Thanks for listening. I love you.

Thank you so much. We'll be seeing you next Friday with a brand new episode. What a dream. What a dream. What a dream. Ha, ha, ha. This has been a Team Coco production.