Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Lesbianity (w/ Gina Yashere)

Episode Date: February 4, 2022

Comedian Gina Yashere (The Daily Show, Bob Hearts Abishola) chats with Nicole about the adorable meet-cute story behind meeting her girlfriend at a women's festival. She also discusses the process behind working with Chuck Lorre to co-create the sitcom Bob Hearts Abishola, her non-confrontation approach to hiring a diverse writers' room, and how Different Strokes inspired her dream to come to America. Plus, Gina explains why her birthmark is a sign that she's a reincarnation of her grandmother. Crazy dating story? Looking for advice? Let Nicole and her guest help you out. Submit your stories, questions, or dirty pick-up lines to [e-mail] for a chance to have it read on-air.   Black Lives Matter. Click here for a list of over 100 different ways you can support racial justice.   Follow Nicole Byer: Tour Dates: linktr.ee/nicolebyerwastakenTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerMerch Store! podswag.com/datemeNicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Day Me? A podcast where Mina Kohlbauer tries to figure out how I'm still single, even though if you stole all of my sconces out of my house, I would say, oh, I guess it's dark, but I still love you.

My guest today is a stand-up comedian, actor, writer from England. She's been a featured correspondent on The Daily Show with Trevor Noah. She co-created and stars in the CBS sitcom Bob Hart's Abishola. I think I said it right. Abishola. Just read the letters. Abishola. Yep.

Abishola. It's Gina Yashere! Perfect. So, do you live, where do you live? In England or are you here in the States? I am in Altadena, California. I'm in Los Angeles, baby. I love it.

Altadena, what a beautiful, booger place. We love it here. We love it. We were in North Hollywood and then the pandemic here and then it became like the zombie apocalypse. And my missus was like, like we gotta get up out of here so we moved to peace and quiet and we love it I do love

a little neighborhood vibe a little like I'm close to the city but I'm far enough away yeah I was just in New York which is the city city I love New York I was there for six years. I had no plans to come back to LA.

TV brought me back here. Oh, really? Yeah, the show Bob Hart's Sam Shuller brought me back to LA. I was happy in New York. Oh, I do love New York. I tried to empty out a storage unit that I had in New York that I've had for like a decade now. Because I was like, I'm going to move back to New York. And then I was like, you know what?

I'm not. Let's just empty it i get there and i realized i forgot the key to the storage unit so i asked the lady the meanest lady in all of new jersey i said excuse me can i just cut the lock off she was like yeah if you damage the door you gotta pay for it i was like all right so go to home depot cut the lock off open it And I was with a friend and I realized that it was not my unit. I had opened the wrong one. So I had to go back to the meanest lady in New Jersey to be like, oh, I made a mistake. And she was like, oh, my God. So, you know, things are hard.

Everything's very hard. Gina, you said the missus so mary yeah lesbianity lesbianity not marriage but as good as i love that you're like yes lesbian and i'm just like married not married we've been together for eight years it's in on the horizon i just hate pumping ceremony i hate ceremonies we're as good as we have a house together we've got two dogs for eight years. It's on the horizon. I just hate pomp and ceremony. I hate ceremonies. We're as good as. We have a house together.

We've got two dogs. Those are our children. Our finances, we are as good as. How did you guys meet? I was performing at Mitch Fest, Michigan Women's Festival. It has been featured on the L Word and Transparent and other shows. It's a big women's festival in the middle of Michigan.

And it's music, it's poetry, it's comedy, it's all that good stuff. It's women running around with their tits out, muffs hanging, flaps out, the whole shebang lane. No men. Whenever a man comes on land to either change the toilet stuff, because it was all poor parties and stuff, they'd shout, man on the land! That kind of place. So I was booked to perform there back in 2013.

And I don't do camping. I am not one of those people. So I said to them, and it's a big thing. All the women go there camping. And I was like, I'll come and do the show but you're gonna put me in a hotel down the street you're gonna have to bus me in every day because i do not sleep on the earth okay i feel you that's why i had a problem with nap time in kindergarten i was like you want me to sleep on the floor on a mac get real i have a home exactly exactly so they were bussing me in

every day to do the shows and on the first day i came in nina that's my missus gina and nina we sound ridiculous and i i begged her to change her name sure i haven't um she was standing there she was there with gloria bigelow another comedian who is also her best friend and i pulled up on the bus i got off and nina was standing there with gloria and she was like oh gloria this is actually I watched that special she's this is the woman I was telling you about she's really funny talking about me and I'm like oh great nice to meet you and she was like let me show you around she just kind of grabbed my hand and pulled me off to show me around the area and we were just in pretty much inseparable after that I mean I was living in

New York at the time and this is my I was living in New York at the time. And this is my... No, I wasn't living in New York. I was living in Los Angeles. I'd come from England to LA. I'd been in LA six years at that point. Nothing happening for me career-wise. And I'm like, I'm a stand-up comic. I need to earn a living doing stand-up comedy.

And in LA, doing a set at the improv for an $8 check is not going to cut it. So I said to all my friends, and over the last seven years I've been living in LA, I've been going back to New York every year and just going for three or four weeks and coming back with more money than I earned in an entire year in LA. So I was like, in June June 2013 I said to my friends okay I'm going to spend the next 12 months wrapping up my life in LA I'm going to New York I'm going to make a living I'm going to New York that was in June 2013 August 2013 I met Nina and would you believe it she happened to live in

New York so the universe the universe was like, we're going to make this happen. So we did long distance for the nine months or whatever it was of our relationship until my year was up and I moved to New York and basically moved straight into Nina's house.

Now, I was not planning to move in with her immediately. I was looking for apartments. And in LA, I was living quite nicely. I had a two bedroom, two bath in a building with a rooftop pool and i was paying eighteen hundred dollars a month yep and i expected to find the same thing sure couldn't in new york and and nina was like you could try but let me tell you i've

got a whole brownstone in brooklyn so when you finish your little dumb search, you can just move into my entire brownstone in Brooklyn. And yeah, after looking at a couple of apartments and going, you're charging $2,000 for a 200 square foot cockroach infested hovel. No, thank you. And so I moved in with Nina and we've been happily ever after. And we were there happily for six years. And then TV brought me back to L.A. and we were been happily ever after and we were there happily for six years and then TV brought me back to LA and we were doing long distance again and then COVID hit and I called her and I was like get on a plane and get out to LA right now because the world's about to shut down and she flew out and the world shut down the day after she flew out and so she's been in LA

ever since and we ended up selling the house in brooklyn and we're now we are now in la this is us i love it this is us on nbc i really fucking love that like you guys had a long distance relationship moved in together and it was just i don't know i guess enough communication happened during your long distance relationship that made living together an easy transition. Or was it not an easy transition? No, we just got on really well. Because this is why I didn't want to live together immediately.

Because I don't like living with people. I'm very particular about my stuff. I'm a little bit of a clean freak. So I wasn't sure it was going to work. But here's the thing I moved to New York in June and then immediately went on a three month tour in fact I never even made it to New York

I packed my car full of all my stuff and then had my car shipped to New York and then I was on a three month tour and Nina unpacked my entire car by herself and moved me into her house and I was like damn that's love in my absence and I was like this one's a keeper oh I fucking love that um so

Nina is not a comic Nina is not a comic she is a professor professor at John Jay College of New York. So the last couple of years she's been doing her classes online. So she's a professor at John Jay College of Criminal Justice. So she teaches, she's in interdisciplinary studies, but what she really is concentrating on is teaching the police officers, But what she really is concentrating on is teaching the police officers, lawyers, scientists of the future to stop killing black people and stop. So that's her mission. Oh, I mean, honestly, what a nice mission.

Thank you, Nina. Thanks, Nina. What's it like dating a prophet? Like, were you intimidated at all? I feel like I would be. Not at all. We had really great conversations. I learned a lot from her so i'm a person i'm not intimidating intimidated by other people with high intelligence and if if you know more than me by all means let me hear it i want to learn from you so i learned a lot about and she's a white woman it's it's hilarious she's white but she knew more

about american history and american history of racism stuff like that in this country than i did because i'm from england and similar experiences but different like we didn't have things like redlining oh in in england yes there was racist housing policies for sure but not written into the Constitution like it was in America. So she taught me a lot of stuff about the history of

racism and racial relations or whatever in America. So I learned a lot from her. So I wasn't intimidated. I wasn't intimidated, so I was really interested. So we had really good conversations and obviously I taught about my history and where I come from. And it was just a meeting of the minds. And we also had Spine.

She's not a boring professor. She's a fun person. She made me do things like fucking hiking and bicycling and shit like that, which I was never interested in. She's still trying to force me to camp. We've been on a couple of camping trips. She's like, I'm an ally. I know about racism, but I would like you to hike

and be outside a bit. Yeah, so she's forced me into various activities. But you know what? It's opened me up to stuff that I never thought I was interested in and now I love. I don't love hiking and I'm never going to love camping. But I did

enjoy the cycling and I do enjoy the swimming now I would never swim before and I was like I'm not interested in swimming and I like getting wet and I like it but then we have our own pool now and I realized it's just because I was a germaphobe I didn't like swimming in other people's pools now I've got my own pool oh I'm in that shit every day so she's opened up my mind i love this so is your relationship was that inspiration for your show which is about a white man who falls in love with a nigerian woman not at all that the whole show idea came from chuck lorry i just came in and made it good and made it authentic um chuck lorry called me in for a meeting so chuck loved billy gardell

and he made mike and molly with billy gardell and he made Mike and Molly with Billy Gardell and he wanted another project from Billy Gardell but he didn't want to make another Mike and Molly and he'd just come from a trip to Africa he'd gone all over Africa and he'd met beautiful people and it was the middle of Trump era when the craziness and the xenophobia

and the racism was out of control and it was chuck's idea he was like i want to make a show where i'm gonna make the female protagonist a nigerian immigrant totally his idea but then he was like i don't know how to do this i'm a white guy who's not really have any experience we i need a someone to help me create create this and so him and his two executive producers went about basically looking for someone that can help them make the show.

And basically what they did was Google Nigerian female comedians. I'm not even joking. Google is a fucking friend. And I was the best one that came up and they flew me over from New York for a meeting. And I was very suspicious, obviously. So suspicious that I told my

agent to turn it down but then luckily I have a best friend and brother in England who will call me up and tell me I'm being a fucking idiot when I'm being a fucking idiot so then I stayed and and basically a meeting that was supposed to be one day me going back to New York turned into me staying in a room with Chuck Lorre and two white guys for three weeks writing a pilot. And had you written for television before? No, I'd refused at this point. All my career, I was like, I'm a stand-up comic. And I'd heard horror stories about being the only black person in a writer's room. So I'd avoided the writer's room.

And I was like, I don't want a day job. I'm a stand stand-up comic i make a good living traveling the world doing what the hell i want working for myself and not answering to anybody and making my little specials and that's what i want to do forever i do not want a day job i don't want to be in a writer's room i don't want to be involved in uh office politics i don't want none of that shit so i'd avoided i'd written on a sketch show in england very early on in my career and that cemented your thoughts on how i don't want to fucking do that exactly so i hadn't written on a team i just was not interested and that was part of the reason why i turned it down because it was also my fear of going back into that environment but But, you know,

my brother and best friend screamed at me. I'm like, this is an opportunity. You've been complaining about the lack of opportunity for Black women in your industry. You've been trying to fix shows

for years and nobody buying. And here's an opportunity to make a show with the king of sitcoms and you're saying, no, are you fucking the death? Are you an idiot?

That's what I'm going to say. Are you an idiot? Did you have like'm going to say. Are you an idiot? Did you have like a say in how the room was popular, the writer's room, like on who was hired and whatnot? I did. I did it in a way that was non-confrontational, what I did. So, you know, I helped them write the pilot, then the pilot got picked up.

And so then I was like, because when we're writing the show, I was like, if we're going to do this show, you've got to listen to me if I say black people don't do this or don't speak like this or this is a stereotype or this is racist please believe me

please believe me or this show is going to be dead in the water and I could tell that they were interested and wanted to listen so that was a good start

and then when we were doing the writers room I was like we can't have the same old white guys that you're used to right in these shows we need to populate this room with more black writers and more definitely more women no i'm not going to be the only woman in this room i'm not having it and they were like and so what i would do every time i had a show like i was headlining

a show of flappers in Burbank. And I was like, come to the show. Come, come, come see me do some comedy. And then when they came to the show, I called up all my black friends and all my female friends.

And I was like, come open for me. I didn't tell them what it was. I said, come open for me at Flappers. So my friends came and opened for me. And then, um,

I called Gloria Bigelow, Nina's best friend. I said, come open for me at the show. I't say anything what it was about uh-huh she came and did a set and uh eddie and al had come to the show and they were like oh you really like that girl gloria she was funny and i was like well she writes i mean honestly this story is. There should be more stories like that. You know, white men who have power, who want to write different voices, should find the voice to help them cultivate it. Because now you get to go out into the world as a creator of a show who can show run and is at an EP level, executive producer level, if you don't know. And like that's that's that's being an ally that's how you cause change that's my joy i just that's my joy gina like i mean i love that you you got

the opportunity but then you didn't say it's just me you just you went oh let me get the other fucking people up in here and i was like i just fucking love that and you're on season three right oh yeah and we just got picked up for season four got picked up fucking lations like we're all over the moon we got you know gloria is here she's season four she's in the writer's room she just bought a house life is good we got another young black Nigerian Writer in the room Ibet Inyang Benesh She is a young Nigerian writer Very young She's like

She's under 30 26 she was I think When she came into the writing room So she's in We've got a guy called Marcus Turner Jamarcus Turner Who we found in a factory

In Indiana Huh He was working Building gas found in a factory in Indiana. He was working, building gas tanks in a factory in Indiana. His script ended up on the table, on our table. And I said to Al, this guy's funny. Where else is a black guy who works in a factory in Indiana going to get a chance to write on primetime TV? I love it. Let's give him a chance.

And now he's in the writer's room we've got a nice mix of people we've got you know we've got italian woman we've got some white guys we've got a nice mix and that's what i love yeah i fuck it what a dream i really love this this is i feel like that's how like all jobs and they're not that's it's a lot of gatekeeping a lot of like hard to get in and it's just like if you give people opportunities one it might not work out but that's the worst thing that happens best thing that happens is you like someone gets a career out of it and someone gets to have like a better fucking life doing what they want to do well that's what i'm saying and i always said to al and chuck and eddie i was like listen you guys were lucky you found me i am not the only me out there let me find you other me's and you guys will make

even more money I mean inclusion is in everyone's best interest because it's like you get to reach different people by having different voices and then you get to make more money Chuck's got a show now he loves our show it's exciting to him because he's never done

a show like this before this is the first show that Chuck has ever done where over half the cast is Black and Nigerian at that. Yes, and like actual Nigerians. Yeah, and it was Chuck whose idea it was to have Kofo and Goodwin, the guys that work in Bob's Warehouse, who speak Yoruba, and subtitle it.

I wouldn't even have thought to do that because I would have been like, oh, white people watching this, they're not going to. Chuck was like, no, we're going in. Let's do it. Let's go in. And it was his idea. So he's excited by the new opportunities to make new types of television.

And our show is groundbreaking. And yeah, it's beautiful. I love it so much. Real quick, we have to take a break we're good I can get more food in my face while we're taking this break it is a quick break because we're back oh shit let me swallow this food um so just to like go back to love for a little bit what was dating like before you met nina were you on dating apps because it was 2013 so i think

dating apps were a thing i never did dating apps oh god bless how lucky and i'm i feel so blessed to not have to go through that internet gamma of judgment and lookism and racism and sexism and fattism and whatever. It is awful. I feel terrible for all you singles out there who have to navigate this. It's horrible. And this is why I'm never letting nina go i mean it's a very good reason besides love besides love but yeah um dating for me i mean when i'm i've never been a serial dater oh i'm a serial monogamist i never did lots of dating i just i

don't and this is how I found most of my partners. They usually approach me and I go, oh, oh, I never know when you will like me. I'm useless. I'm confident in every other aspect of my life. I'm outspoken with my work. I know I'm good at what I do. I'm confident, confident.

Everybody meets me and go, oh, that girl is super confident. But when it comes to getting girlfriends, not that confident i said people like me and i i don't realize until they flash their tits at me whatever i really don't know so the majority of my girlfriends have been people have gone i like you and i go oh really oh okay all right let's give this a go and that's how it's been for the majority. And so when I was living in LA, I never dated any women in LA. I shouldn't even say it, but I found a lot of them so vacuous. So when I was in LA, most of my girlfriends all came from Oakland.

I imported them. I imported them in from Oakland. So I had girlfriends from Oakland and they were all, yeah, both these girls approached me. And that's the thing. I've never, I think the last girlfriend I had that I approached myself was 20 years ago.

We ended up being together for seven years, but I, but then after that, it was all girls that were like, I like you. And I'm like, Oh, well then let's try this. Seven years is a long time so yeah you just you go from relationship to

relationship yeah so we ended and then i take a break then i had a couple of short-lived relationship with crazy women from chicago okay okay and i was like no this ain't gonna work out another crazy woman from oakland this ain't gonna work out then uh yeah yeah then nina and that's and we've been together eight years so i love that i attract i attract mainly the long haulers which is good i don't know how to do that i don't know how to attract somebody who's like in it to win it i just i date people for like a couple months and then they're like you know i i i think we need to part ways i've always been broken up with uh i've never broken up with anybody yeah see my i think my attitude in that i'm like oh well this is fine if this works out what's up it doesn't i'm quite happy

that attitude makes people want to cling on to me a little bit you know i'm not saying i play hard to get i play games i'm just i'm quite happy on my own and people see that and then they were like oh well i i i want and that's basically how i've managed to and also i have fun i'm not i don't take it too seriously i think i could learn from that just like not taking things too seriously although i did i went on a date a while ago where i was like oh boy i could go on a second date with this person but i think i'd be really upset about it i'm gonna listen to myself and i'm not gonna go out with them again and they were like let's go out again and i was like you know i wish you best, but I don't think this is a,

this is it. That's good. That's good. Come from a place of confidence in yourself and know that someone's out there for you. And you ain't going to take second best. Just have fun. Yeah.

Just have fun. Have fun with it. Be relaxed about it. You said you have a, you have a brother, you have brothers, brothers? with it. Be relaxed about it. You said you have a brother? You have brothers? Two brothers, yeah. Where are they? All my family's in England.

I'm the only one who escapes. I've got two sisters as well, older sister, younger sister. Everybody's still in London. I'm the only one that got out. Are they single? My sisters are both single because they're both weirdos.

That's a whole nother story. You're going to have to read my book to find out about that. Well, what's the name of your book? Let's promote that. Oh, it's called Cat-Handed because I'm left-handed. And cat-handed also means awkward and clumsy, which left-handed people tend to be. And it also covers the fact that my career and life has taken

unconventional routes and that's why this is the book i know we're not doing it's only audio but it's available all good bookstores and on amazon and it's a good book i got five star reviews on amazon people it's a good book it's a good cover too i like it i like your outfit on the cover yeah it's kind of bright it's me being me you know um but yeah so it's a good cover too. I like it. I like your outfit on the cover. Yeah, it's kind of bright. It's me being me, you know. But yeah, so it's a memoir and it covers my journey from being born in England, what I went through in England,

the racism, misogyny, whatever. I used to be an engineer, all that stuff. Coming to England. And it covers a little bit of my love life too. Not much. It wasn't that active.

I wasn't that excited. But yeah. So I've got two sisters and two brothers. One brother is happily married uh two kids him and his wife have been together i would say 20 years damn yeah and my other brother uh single newly single but he was he's a player back in the day he's the one of those guys three kids three women you know that but yes but but i gotta say dad to all these kids doting

grandpa uh and in good on good terms of all he's baby mamas see i like that it's do what you want but at least keep it civil keep it nice yeah so you said you used to be an engineer what kind of engineer were you i used to build and repair elevators for otis i was the first female engineer that otis in the uk had had in their 100 year history sounds great it was horrible uh first woman surrounded by white men um misogyny and racism abounded you know people always you know i always do these interviews where they go as a woman in comedy is it really hard and i'm like as an engineer i used to come into work and there were bananas stuck in my coat pockets and pictures of monkeys put on the wall above my overalls so no that's fucking shitty yo people are like i don't know i'm like get a hobby like how are you why are you doing any of this shit it's rude so rude uh yeah so that is also in the book i went through

a baptism of fire as you were but i came out the other side better stronger i like that you have like a even like i don't know it doesn't feel like you have a chip on your shoulder you're just like shit's happened but you know i keep moving forward yeah I would say I got a chip on my shoulder but I'm aware of stuff that's going on and I get angry I get very angry if you follow me on social media I have my happy go lucky videos and then one day I will do a rant and I don't hold back so you know I do get angry I do get you, very irritated with what is going on in the world. And I hate the way this country is being run at the present time. And the people that are trying, you know, it's a bunch of white, greedy men enriching themselves at the expense of everybody and everything.

But I also am of the belief that I want to make my own slice of happiness in my corner of the world I can't spend too much time worrying about the world because I'll die of a stroke yeah so I'm gonna balance it out I'm gonna balance it out yeah I think that's the key to life just a little bit of balance it's okay to like you know look at the news look at the world but also it's like what makes you happy? Yeah, yeah. So you don't drink. I don't drink. I don't smoke.

I don't do drugs. And yet, life and soul are the party, Nicole. Can I ask you about, have you ever had like a cocktail, a beverage? Oh, yeah. I just never liked the taste of it. I'm a sugar junkie. I love sweet things. Chocolate, cakes,

candies. That is my drug of choice. So, if a drink is sweet and delicious, oh, I'll partake. Like, I love a bit of Baileys. At Christmas, I know I sound like an old lady. I don't give a shit. I don't give a shit. Baileys is fucking delicious.

Love a bit of it. It's like ice cream in a cup. It's fucking beautiful. My neighbor is Puerto Rican, and she makes us this drink at Christmas. I think it's called Conchita. Conchita. It's very similar to Bailey's. It's a creamy alcoholic beverage, and it's delicious. But that's it.

I've never, you know, I've only ever been drunk once in my life and I was like why do people do this to themselves on a regular basis I don't get it so I just never caught the drinking bug

I like sweet sugary things and beer does not do that wine is disgusting to me just nothing it just doesn't

do anything for me it's not not through any moral code I just don't like the taste but drugs i've smoked a bit of weed whatever yeah of course but i don't do it on a regular basis because i don't like taking smoke into my lungs just don't like it um and i've also got a very

a very addictive personality so i've never tried coke because i know i would love it yeah it's a good time i would love it i know i'd love it and Yeah, it's a good time. I would love it. I know I'd love it. And I know that I'd go overboard because that's how I do. I get addicted to things very quickly and very heavily. And I know that if I did Coke, I would end up in an alleyway sucking off random dudes for a hit. I know how I will end up. So I'm not going to try it because I know myself too well.

I used to smoke. I'm not going to try it because I know myself too well I uh I used to smoke I quit January 3rd oh and for a minute I was like but I want them and now it's gotten to the point where I'm like what did I like about them they weren't nice they weren't fun they didn't make me feel good exactly yeah I smoked for three weeks when i was 16 oh yeah three weeks and then you were like this isn't for me yeah because i went to a school which was a very cool school in london called camden school for girls and i was doing i was 16 and they had a smoking room for the 16 to 18 year olds in school in school they had a smoking room where's the six you know they were like you girls make your own decisions in life and if you want room where's the six you know they were like you girls make

your own decisions in life and if you want to smoke this is where you can smoke and that's where all the cool girls hung out so i used to go and hang out in the smoking room was this school sponsored by big tobacco what do you like that's truly insane that's so wild it was a very highly rated school and it still is if you look up camden school for girls in london it's a very highly rated school uh but they were just they believed in 16 terrain roads being having autonomy you know of their bodies and so yeah there's a smokers room and all the cool girls hang out in the smokers room so i used to go to the smokers room and obviously i started smoking with the cool girls but then after three weeks i was like this, this is gross. It smells. I don't like it.

Why the hell am I doing this? And I said, I'll give it up. I'll hang out with you guys in there, but I'm not smoking. This is bullshit. And, uh,

and that was it. And I never smoked again. Yeah, it is funny. I like when I was in New York, uh, I went to New York earlier this week and New York was, I lived there for eight years and I smoked and I,

you know, it was like what I did. drink you smoke and I was like it feels so weird to not smoke as I'm walking the streets of New York but then I like saw this guy smoking and I was like oh but like he smells he smells like smoke and he's not it's not doing anything for him exactly exactly I read this book. Alan Carr is the easy way to quit smoking. And, uh, yeah, usually I don't subscribe to like bullshit like that, but I was like,

I don't know. This book truly helped me. Cause it was like, it was like, you don't enjoy it. What do you like about it? And you're like, Oh,

I guess actually nothing. It's like, do you actually feel relaxed? Or are you just feeding your addiction? And you're like, Oh, I guess I'm relaxing because I was in withdrawal. And you're like,

Oh no, what have I been doing? Well, at least you made the change. You did it. I did. Thank you so much. Also, are you vegan? I am right now, yes. I'm not going to say I am vegan.

I say I eat vegan. Oh, okay. So you eat vegan right now yeah it's not a I did it out of health not out of choice I love meat meat is delicious I am African and African people love meat but

I suffer from lupus I was diagnosed with lupus back in 2005 and I was very ill for a very long time like to the point where i had a raised toilet seat i struggled to walk struggled to lift my arms above my head um at the point where the doctors were feeding me with steroids and all kinds of drugs and painkillers and at one point the doctors were like we don't know what to do so we're thinking maybe we'll try chemotherapy and that's where i I was like, okay, let's stop.

You guys are experimenting on me like a guinea pig. I need to change my lifestyle. So then I started researching. So doctors were like, we don't know what's wrong with you. Let's give you chemo fucking therapy. Yep. They're like this lupus. We've tried all these drugs.

It's basically that a chemotherapy is like a hard reset. So you're going to eat a mucin. They just wipe out everything. And that's what they do when you have cancer. They wipe out everything to completely destroy your immune system and try and build you back up again. And I was like, I'm not doing that. And then I started researching alternative ways to heal yourself of illness and i discovered raw veganism i went raw vegan for about a year and my lupus went into remission almost immediately and i came off all my medication and this was back in 2009 the doctor was like you're crazy you never you can't do this you're gonna die your body's gonna go into shock i've been off lupus medication since 2009 and I manage it with eating.

Now, I haven't been 100% vegan the entire time because I'm one of those people, as I said, I've got an addictive personality. I'll eat a lamb chop and I'll go, oh my God, lamb chops! And then I'll eat nothing but fucking lamb chops for six months. So I've been, you know,

going up and down, up and down. But I know when my body, my arthritis starts to come back. When I'm eating too badly, my arthritis starts to come back and the lupus symptoms start to come back. And then the vegan lifestyle comes. You better come back. You better come back to us unless you want to end up back where you were in 2007. So, yeah, so I try and eat clean.

And right now, clean for me is vegan no meat no animal products no dairy yeah and what happens to your body when you have lupus it can hit you in many a myriad of different ways because lupus is basically your immune system attacking everything your immune system cannot tell the difference between good cells and bad cells so it attacks everything. It can attack your skin. It can attack your joints. It can attack your heart, lungs, liver, kidneys, anywhere.

So I had the worst type of lupus. Mine attacked, started attacking my kidneys at one point, attacked my joints. So I had horrific arthritis for a very long time. Horrific. And it started to attack my kidneys so I wanted to put a stop to it before the damage became irreparable so then I changed my lifestyle

and now my kidneys are functioning normal the arthritis has gone away you know, I can work I was on the phone to my brother last night and he's like, I can't believe that you're better now than you were you're 50't believe that you're better now than you were, like you're 50 years old and you're better now than you were at 35.

Because I remember when you couldn't, I remember he goes to me one time, you were staying at my house and you were in the toilet for 45 minutes, he says to me, and he bangs on the door and goes, Gina, what are you doing in there? And I was like, I can't get off this seat. My arthritis was so bad that I can't get off this seat. My arthritis was so bad that I couldn't get off the seat.

And I was sitting in the toilet for 45 minutes because I couldn't get up. My knees were locked up. And now I'm playing pickleball. I'm swimming. I'm running. I'm, you know,

and that's just from changing my lifestyle. It is truly wild. If you change like a couple things that you're eating even if you don't have like an illness you just fucking feel better yeah absolutely so that's why i'm eating vegan um and that's vegan food is so much better now there's so many wonderful places like tabitha brown has just opened up a place in Encino. She did? Called Kare on my name. So I have got to go there. I have to go there too.

I'm writing it down. It looks delicious. Because I love her. She is so sweet and wonderful. I was vegan for like a solid four months. I felt better. My skin was better. I had more energy. I just love meat so much i need to find a a nice balance between eating meat and not eating meat yeah just for for me and my body

yeah makes sense real quick we got to take another break let's do it And we're back. Okay, so tell me why you left the UK for America. It's been my dream since I was a child. As a kid watching TV shows, I watched things like Different Strokes. Now, looking back at Different Stro strokes, it was very problematic. But as a kid watching it, I was like, I want to live in America and be adopted by a rich white man and live this amazing life.

There's nothing wrong with that. And I watched shows where kids were riding around on cool bicycles in LA solving crimes. And I was like uh i want to live by a beach and ride around solving crimes so that was my dream as a child being born in raised in quite a poor area of london i was born in the east end east end of london very you know very working class a lot of immigration a working class, a lot of immigration, a lot of immigrants, a lot of racism, skinheads and immigrants, not a good combination. And so, you know, I'd be watching these TV shows all in America and going, these kids all live near beaches.

Like, I want to go to America so I can live near a beach and hang out after school with Brad and Chad. And that was my dream. And that dream followed me all through my life. Even when I was working as an engineer, I worked for Otis, which I knew was an American company because my plan was to get enough experience as an engineer in England and then transfer and work for Otis in America. So it was my dream my entire life. My entire life, I was focused on somehow getting to America. Then I got into comedy and, you know, I got into comedy and you know I was in comedy in England and I got really good very quickly and I was quite successful but then I hit a glass ceiling in that as a successful black comic your level of success stopped at a certain level whereas all my white peers went on to become multi-millionaires selling out stadiums and I

stopped at a certain level so I became became very frustrated. And even when I started doing comedy, uh, I made friends with, uh, like American comics used to come and tour in England. Like I toured with JB smooth 25 years ago, you know, we'll still Vince, you know, Ian Edwards. All those guys used to come to England 20 years ago. And I told them at the beginning of my career. So I was funny with them. So in the beginning of my comedy, I'd fly out to New York on vacation and then hang out at the comedy clubs and do sets just to see if my stuff worked. And so I always knew that as a comedian, by hook or by crook,

I was going to get to America. I don't know how. And then Last Comic Standing came along and that was my ticket. I got through to the final of Last Comic Standing at the semifinals and they got me a work

visa. It was a two year work visa and I was like, this is a two year work visa. The show is only going to be filmed for another four weeks. What happens? Does that mean I can live and work in America for two years? And they're like, this is two-year work visa. The show is only going to be filmed for another four weeks. What happens? Does that mean I can live and work in America for two years? And they're like, yeah, it's a two-year work visa. So I went back to England for a weekend, put my house on the market,

sold and gave away everything I owned. Holy shit. And turned up in America with two suitcases to my name through a massive party at the house that I was selling. And everybody was like, you're crazy. It's just a two-year visa a tea you're gonna have to come back and I was like trust me I ain't coming back I'm gonna turn this into something you ain't seen me again and yeah two years later I got my green card and I was gone I was uh I was gone that's so fucking funny you're like fuck this goodbye and everyone's like you're crazy and it's like you're fucking crazy if you think i'm fucking coming back goodbye exactly exactly how did you get into comedy what led you there so when i left engineering i left um after four

years working for otis couldn't bear it anymore i was taking a break i took voluntary redundancy so they paid me off i said so they make me redundant or else i going to make public all the racism and misogyny within this company. Wait, make me redundant? What does that mean? Lay me off with a payout. Oh. Because the building industry went through a slump in the mid-90s and they were laying people off. But they were not laying me off because I was their diversity hire kind of thing.

They had me on all their brochures. They're like, look, we've got a black person and a woman. All in one. Look at this. So I was on all their fucking brochures. And I was a good engineer.

So I was good at my job. And I ticked up a load of boxes. So they were not going to lay me off. But I was done with it at this point because I was not getting the promotions I was supposed to get. You know, they give me the money and they give me the promotion in name. not going to lay me off but i was done with it at this point because i was not getting the

promotions i was supposed to get you know they give me the money and they give me the promotion in name and i'm like i'm supposed to be running my own site now why am i not running my own site they're like well we don't think guys will listen to girls so we'll give you the promotion because you deserve it but we're not going to give you the responsibility that goes with that promotion so that's what I was up against for a long time and at one point I took them to a grievance

hearing I went to the top bosses and I was like this is discrimination my union who I've been paying into for four years refused to represent me at this hearing. What the fuck? That's so fucking wild.

Yeah, my union rep went, we don't know about this women's lib stuff. Those were his actual words. Those were his actual words, my union rep. I don't know about this women's lib stuff. That is truly incredible. Yeah, so I went to this hearing 21 years old alone unrepresented and obviously i lost because i was up against a panel of old white men who went we don't think we're doing anything wrong do you think we're doing anything wrong no what about you chat no

okay no we're not on your way young black way, young black woman. So I left. They were making me run it. I marched into my manager's office and I went, make me redundant. Lay me off with the six-month payout. I'm out of here. So they laid me off and they gave me a nice payout. So I spent the summer just hanging out,

having fun. And people had always told me I was funny, but I didn't see that as a career. I used comedy as a way to deflect from being in conflict because being an African kid at school, we were not cool. I got into fights a lot at school. People tried to bully me, so I'd fight a lot. And then, you know, I got fed up with beating people up.

I was like, there must be another way to get out of conflict other than just being the craziest kid and just fighting everybody. And then that's how my sense of humour, I started using comedy as a deflecting tool. to get out of conflict other than just being the craziest kid and just fighting everybody and then I that's how my sense of humour I started using comedy as a deflecting tool so people always

told me I was funny I joined the Nation of Islam after I left Otis because that's what you do when you've been horribly abused by white people for a long time

I joined the Nation of Islam for a that was very short-lived very short-lived very short-lived it's all in the book it's all in the book it's all in the book don't get the book

to get the full story man that's so fucking funny so I keep it abused by white people he joined the Nation of Islam you know

religion where they're like we fucking hate white people that's oh man that really got me good so it was very

short-lived it was under a year but I joined the Nation of Islam but i learned a lot about my black history but they never taught us in school that was a good thing about nation of islam i learned a lot about how powerful black people were before slavery that we are not defined by slavery we were people before that so then i started looking into more of that stuff

and i joined various organizations that were doing work in the community and that's how I got into comedy because one day we were doing a fundraiser and they were they were like we need poets and dancers and singers and stuff and so me and a couple of friends of mine were always messing around uh doing our mum's accents you know all of us were Nigerian so we mess about talking to each other in our mum's Nigerian accent. So I wrote what I thought was a play for us to perform for this fundraiser. It was a play that us playing our Nigerian mothers in this play.

Turns out I'd written a comedy sketch. Because people laughed their arses off. And I was like, and it was like a ka-ching moment. It was like, ooh it was like a ka-ching moment. It was like, ooh, ta-da. And then we started entering talent competitions with this one sketch that I wrote and we kept winning these talent competitions,

just winning, win after win after win with this one sketch. Then one day, the other two girls were not that serious, but one day they did a turn up for the semifinal of a competition that we were in. One of them had been burgled and the other one had gone to help her. And this was in 95 or something.

This is before cell phones were ubiquitous. And I was the only one who had a pager. So there was no one to contact. So I'm at this competition and the other two girls aren't there. And the guy's like, you guys are up next. So I went up on stage by myself and just talked for 10 minutes and had the crowd in the palm of my hand. And then people kept coming up to me afterwards and going, you know,

you don't see all the girls. You are a stand-up comic. And I was like, what is this stand-up comedy that they speak of? And then I started researching that. And then I was like, oh, I am a stand-up comic. And that's basically how I became a comedian. And I was like, well, I'll do this for fun

for six months. And then, because it's the summer and I'm enjoying the summer I'll do this comedy thing and then come winter when my money runs out I'll go back to engineering but I never went back to engineering comedy took off and 27 years later whatever it is I'm still here I fucking love that a theme in your life seems to be oh I, I guess I'll do this. Yeah. And bye bye to that. And then I think there's something to like believing in yourself enough to be like, this is what I want and this is what I'm going to do.

Yeah. I'm a gung ho kind of person. I go for something and I throw everything at it. If it fails, I go, well, I did everything I could to make this successful next and then i move on i and i don't care and that's how i've always been like i'll try this yeah my motto in life is fuck it give it a go yeah and that's what how i've always been and so that's how comedy was i love this i'm gonna throw everything i can at it i want to be the best at it i i think a lot of people could learn from that because I think a lot of people are just scared of failure and then it's like well if you don't

fail then how do you ever figure out how to succeed exactly I'm not scared of failure I mean I'm scared not scared of failure I don't want to fail yeah you don't want to fail but like if it happens it happens like when I started doing comedy I was like so afraid of bombing and then the first bomb I had I was like that wasn't that bad i'll figure it out to do better next time so then you kind of embrace the bombs you learn yeah is your family uh supportive or were they supportive in the beginning of your comedy career absolutely not my mother is an african woman immigrant mentality is like you know i do i used to do a joke where I go, in an African family, you've got only a few choices of career, doctor, lawyer, engineer,

accountant, disgrace to the family. Those are the choices. And I was an engineer, so I was on the list. And then my mum's like, hold on, you are leaving engineering to become a clown. What the hell is this? What am I going to tell my, you know? So she was not impressed.

She was not happy. And the way I sold it to her, I'm like, listen, mum. I'm already a qualified engineer. I can walk into a job anytime I want. I'm going to do this and see how it pans out. And if it doesn't work, I will still be an engineer. I will never not be an engineer.

And so my mum was like, fine, do your clown business and then go and get a proper job later. And then, but then I got on television. Within six months of starting comedy, I got on this huge nationally shown competition. It's like a talent competition.

And it was hosted by a guy called Jonathan Ross, who is our version of a Leno or a Fallon or a Kim. You know what I mean? Big show. And so once I got on this show with Jonathan Ross, that validated everything. And then furthermore, my mum came to the show because I got through to the final.

She won't come to the semi-final. She's like show because i got through to the final she won't come to the semi-final she's like if you get through to the final i will come so she comes to the final and jonathan ross points her out and my mum stands up on television in full view of the world with her arms up like that going yes i am the one i am the reason this one is a clown if it wasn't for me this one is a clown so If it wasn't for me. This one is a clown. So, yeah. So after that, after I was on TB, it validated everything for her. And she's been nothing but supportive ever since. I mean, sometimes you got to get some success before people get behind you. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely.

Which is kind of a bummer, but also about i don't i don't know how to articulate it other than like sometimes you just have to prove to people that you can do it before they're like okay all right and the immigrant mentality my mom came to england sacrificed the success that she had in nigeria to give us a better life in England. So as far as she was concerned, I didn't make all these sacrifices for you to squander it on bullshit. You know, that was her mentality. I mean, it makes sense. Yeah.

So you have a birthmark on your neck. I do. And I read that your grandmother. Yes. Had a, wait, what did I read that your grandmother had, wait, what did I read? So, okay. According to a family superstition, your grandmother was poisoned by her jealous sister wives

and marked with a spot on her neck. And you have a similar birthmark to the spot on her neck that she was marked with. Yes, I'm a reincarnation of her. Okay. I am her. And you know what? Whenever I've gone to psychics, they always say the same thing.

There was an older lady guiding you in your life. Every single psychic I've ever gone to has always said the same thing. There's a woman guiding. There's an older woman guiding. And I know that is my grandmother. And here's the story. I mean, I'm spiritual. And these are stories that have been passed down

my mum told me these stories that when my when my mum was a little girl her mother used to say because she was married she had 11 kids she was one of several wives and she was like

and she used to say to my mum when she was a kid she was like when I come back because we believe strongly in reincarnation she was like when I come back

when I come back I'm going to be speaking English because Nigeria is a British colony so you know i'm going to be speaking english because nigeria is a british colony so you know i'm going to be speaking english perfect english i'm going to be english and i'm not going to have all these children i don't want to let because she had 11 children i i don't want a man i don't want children i'm going to live my life with freedom you know if i want to i will do a man's job will live. And these are the things that she used to say. Then she's murdered because she's the most powerful wife and her kids were more beloved than the other wives' kids.

So she was poisoned. When she was poisoned, she died with a mark on her throat. And remember, she always kept saying, I'm going to come back as this, that, and the other. Then I'm born and I am a walking embodiment of everything that she said she was going to be young got a man you were working a job that a man had two jobs that men had yeah like uh and uh you do what you want to do and you live your life how that's so fucking cool I believe in shit like that

and I like that my nickname is my mother doesn't call me by my name. My nickname is Granny because I have my own grandmother. My mother calls me Granny. That is my nickname in my family and has been since I was a child. I love that. That's fucking adorable. Come on, Granny. And then in walks a child. It's time for my snack.

Exactly. And it helped me when I had to come out to my mom because she was not happy about the lesbianity as a nigerian staunch christian and i all i had to say was but mom i am your mother and this is what she wanted i come out exactly what your mother wanted i am your mom so she says she was going to come out not needing any man. Look, I am that. I don't need any man, son. And my mom was like, hmm. She couldn't say shit. That's so fucking funny.

She's like, I want to hate this, but, like, I literally can't. All right, Gina, thank you so much for doing this. What would you like to promote? You got a lot of shit going on. Tell the people. Well, make sure you buy my book, Cat Candid, because the more detailed versions of these very stories I've told you are all in this book.

And it's a good read, even if I say so myself. It is actually a good book. I know. Listen, here's the thing. If you buy this book and you don't like it, email me at info at GinaAshley.com, and I'll give you your the thing. If you buy this book and you don't like it, email me at info at genieashway.com and I'll give you your money back. There you go.

It's a win-win. I'll give you the money back if you buy this book and you don't like it, because I know you're going to love it. And, you know, make sure you watch my show, Bob Hart's Abishola, Monday nights on CBS at 8.30pm. Please watch the show.

Fourth season, we've been picked up. And I know we don't get the cool factor that the Insecures and the, you know, ABBA Elementions get because they're, you know, they're cooler, younger shows. But our show is fucking good. So watch it.

You also have a Netflix special, yes? Oh, I have several Netflix specials. I mean, two of them are older. Two of them are older. They're two of them older. Like, I sold them. Two specials I made myself with my own money because I wasn't working for nobody. So one is called Skinny Bitch because I was bigger and I lost weight

and people were, every time I got on stage, audiences would just break into conversations. How did she do it? What's happening? Is she new? Is she on crystal meth? What is it? So I called the special

skinny bitch and the first few minutes is explaining i lost the weight because i had lupus and i did things and i did things and i did things um so that one's called skinny bitch there's another one that i made in san francisco in 2012 called laughing to america and then i'm also on uh season two of the stand-ups. Yeah, on Netflix. So I'm all over the Netflixes. Go watch my specials. You're all over. Got tons of shit.

I love it. Okay, if you write me a dirty message, I will read it. Put this in your ear holes. Nicole, I'd happily hire the hottest man I could find to come to your house, shove a dozen cronuts into your favorite luscious crevice, skewer them with that famous monster cock, then pull the whole flaky mess out and feed it to you while you made hamster

noises. I don't even know. Oh, I guess I go. That's cute. I like that. That's nice. And I've never had a cronut.

So that's nice of you. Thank you. Okay. Bye. Bye. That's it for Why Won't You Date Me with me, Nicole Byer. Why Won't You Date Me is produced and engineered by, oh, the sweetest woman I know, Marissa Melnick. It is executive produced by other wonderful people, Adam Sachs, Joanna Solotaroff, and Jeff Ross. Thanks for listening. I love you. Thank you so much.

We'll be seeing you next Friday with a brand new episode. What a treat. What a dream. This has been a team Coco production.