Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Let's Talk About The Bag Dress (w/ LaLa Ri)

Episode Date: December 16, 2022

On Drag Race, Nicole guest judged one of the most iconic outfits in franchise history - LaLa Ri's gift bag dress.  Today, Nicole finally sits down with the queen to express her thoughts that never made it to air. LaLa introduces Nicole to BLK, a Black version of Tinder, and shares the crazy sexual requests she gets from fans on Grindr. Nicole goes to the LA Auto Show for some dick.  Write to Nicole! Submit your dirty pick-up lines, dating stories, or questions to [e-mail] for a chance to have it read on-air. For more drag queen interviews, check out our episode playlist on Spotify: bit.ly/wwydmdrag Black Lives Matter.  Click here for an updated list of over 100 different things you can do to support racial justice.   Follow Nicole Byer: Twitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerMerch: podswag.com/datemeNicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Ooh, baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single, even though you could make me a Kate and substitute the sugar with your cum. I would say, ooh, this is slightly salty, but I still love you.

This is slightly salty, but I still love you. My guest today is a drag queen who was crowned Miss Congeniality on RuPaul's Drag Race Season 13. And I got to see one of the best outfits I've ever seen walk down the runway. And I say this not in jest, because I have several thoughts that I didn't actually get to say on the show. It's a La La Ree! Yes, honey! It's so good to see you. It's nice to see you. We're both out of drag, fully.

Fully. But okay, here are my thoughts on this bag outfit. Please tell me. I actually, looking back, loved it. It is more than iconic it is okay here's the thing it i just i just want to see more of this bag dress i think it's it's so funny like looking back i was like this is actually genius it's it's honestly so like tongue-in-cheek kind of and like it's like what is the word subversive or something i don't know because everyone like puts time or not everyone puts

time and effort like i think you put time and effort into it but like but keep going keep going Oh, I did not. I did not. But keep going, keep going. Sometimes I look at pictures of it and I'm like, this is actually perfect. A perfect mess. It's drag, though. Yeah. Like, it's drag.

It's funny and it's fun. Yeah. And it's fun. And it's funny that like, we expect girls to like come down the runway and like completely finished runway, like fashion runway specific. But it's like, but it's drag. Drag is fun. Like some of the most fun things I've seen are things that didn't take a lot of time or like weird or silly or whatever. I don't know. I fucking love it. No, it was actually fun to do and to walk down the runway in it. You cannot tell me I was on Envera Wayne. I was living my best life, honey. I was on the New York Fashion Week that day, okay? That was definitely fun. Also, they did you dirty on the edit of that lip sync

because, okay, I love Joey Jay. Joey Jay is gay. Joey Jay is adorable. But you annihilated Joey Jay in a way where, like, I don't remember looking at her one time. And it was such a wild lip sync. It was so fucking good. Yeah. In that moment, I didn't even see it as like a lip sync battle.

I was on stage by myself in front of thousands of people living my best life. Joe Bajay was my backup singer at that point. Love my sis, but thank you for the backup. God, it was so, it was one of the best lip syncs i think i've seen in person on the like getting to guest judge you were so fucking amazing thank you oh my god thank you so much for being here i'm so excited you're also a fellow virgo i am virgo style yes you were born one day before me on August 28th. Oh, you know your things. You know your stuff, honey. You've done your research.

You better believe that Lindsay, my new assistant, I guess she's not new. I got to stop saying she's new. She's been here for a while. She is truly incredible. It does such good research on people. It's just nice. Yes. such good research on people. It's just nice. Lala, okay. So I was watching Instagram because that is

where I learned things. I learned it through the school of Instagram. And this man was like, ladies, you're going to the club trying to find a man. You're going to the bars trying to find a man, but you don't want a man who clubs and goes to bars. So go to places where you like to be to find a man, but you don't want a man who clubs and goes to bars. So go to places where you like to be to find a man.

If you like hiking, go hiking. If you like camping, go camping and find a man. And I was like, okay, I like cars. So I went to the LA auto show. There was no dick to be had. Nobody tried to fuck me at the LA Auto Show. Listen. It was just families.

Uh-huh. So, where do you get the men's? Lala, help me. Well, let me tell you. So, when I was growing up, they told me you had to go to church. They said the men's was in the church house, praising the Lord. So, I tried to go to church you know what I'm saying

if I'm a you know good Christian man but those are the worst men church men are the worst in the South we call them church pumps

I don't know if I can say that on here but they are the worst men to deal with so I suggest you not to go to the church either. So honestly, I don't know where you go, because I'm still single and still looking at myself. However, when I find out, I'm going to let you know, girl. What is your type?

What are you looking for? Okay, so let me tell you. I used to go for the light-skinned, tall man with the beard. Light-skinned, tall with the beard, you know. That was my thing, but they broke my heart too too much so I'm trying to go over to the dark side cause you know I'm a good man so maybe if I find another dark skinned man we can be good men together

so I'm trying to search throughout the you know the aura of the dark man okay I don't know if I have like a type like I I mean I do date a lot of white dudes but black guys don't really hit on me like on the abs and stuff yeah it's like it's kind of sad well what apps are you on

girl i'm on all of them i'm on tinder i finally got on raya i'm on bumble i'm on okay cupid um i refuse to do coffee meets bagel. I think that's it. Yeah. Tinder. Hold on. Let me just look. Well, they have one called BLK.

It's the black version. Right. It's the black version of Tinder. And that's the one that I am on. And that's where all the Negroes are at. So you might want to come over to BLK. Okay. I'm going to download BLK now.

BLK. Yes. Dating. Okay. okay i'm gonna download blk now blk yes dating okay this is what people listen for for me to download apps in real time yes here we are blk send me my check blk truly i mean you're out here doing the good lord's work but here's the thing so i also i tried to join the league that was very expensive it was like a like a like a hundred dollars a month but then i was like these basic Here's the thing. So I tried to join the league. That was very expensive. It was like $100 a month. But then I was like, these basic people are on Tinder too. Right. And then I tried to get on a fat specific one.

And then that seemed to be all bots. It's just. It's a lot going on. Then I got kicked off of Field. I think that's what it's called. It's like a kink app where it's like, hey, we're a couple and we're looking for somebody else. We're like, I'm looking to tie somebody up. And I was like, listen. And you said that was called Field?

Field. Let me go ahead and download that. Yeah, because I want somebody to tie me up. Same. Same. But they kicked me off immediately. They said I was catfishing. So then I had to send them a picture of me holding a book. And was like okay i don't have a book but this is an ipad is this

okay and then they gave me my account back but i the experience has really been colored by that so it's f-e-e-l-d field yeah i don't know it's tough's tough. I don't like it. It makes me sad. So, okay. I asked most of the queens who've been on the show this. Did dating change for you after the show? It did. For me, you don't know if they're there for you or if they're there for the girl that they see on TV.

Because there's a lot of clout chasing nowadays in the world, okay? You got to be careful. You got to weave them out. I think it's hard to do because a lot of men don't understand like the whole traveling

and they, you know, they say a lot of the direct race girls are whores, which is true. How else would karma have not half of one of those girls so yeah

dating has definitely been like difficult after the season I don't even I don't even think I try to date anymore at this point like girl

if it comes to me it comes to me if it don't oh well me and my dog would be just fine ooh what kind of dog do you have

I have a Yorkie Poo named Chanel that's my baby. Oh, my God. That sounds so cute. I don't know. Wait, I do know what Clyde is. He's sleeping right now.

I'll show you him. Okay. Let me see Clyde. Oh, what kind is it? He is a Chihuahua Pomeranian with, like, a little bit of terrier and mini pincher. Oh, baby. Yes, I love it. Chanel is at home in Atlanta.

I can't show her. Oh, wait. How long have you? Did you? You grew up in Atlanta, right? Yes. Do you ever think you're going to move to like L.A. or New York? I thought about it, but there's just so many girls there already.

And Atlanta is doing me just fine. I have no issues getting to where I need to get to in Atlanta. I have no issues working. And it's cheaper to live in Atlanta than L.A. or New York. Sure is. Yeah, I don't see myself moving anytime soon. Fair. When did you get into drag?

Tell me about it. Yes. So when I was seven years old, I saw movie too long food with wesley snides and patrick sways and all of them and listen i was so obsessed with um noxema jackson i was like i'm gonna be noxema jackson when i grow up you're not gonna tell me anything different so from that point on i like researched and just learned everything about like drag and in my family i have a lot of like drag queens and trans women in my family as well like my immediate family um so of course i snuck into the clubs like 16 and 15 to see the drag shows and be backstage and stuff so i always had like a love for it and it was like

five years ago when i actually like took it serious oh okay oh see what i've been doing for five years i love that um yeah so, you were on Drag Race two seasons ago? Wait, season 13, season 14? I was on season 13. Two seasons ago. I don't know. There's too many seasons happening. It's hard to keep up your season.

But truly, what a treat that you started doing drag and then you were like, fuck it, I'm going to go do Drag Race. So you only auditioned one time, right? I auditioned one time and I just did it. I didn't think nothing of it. I didn't think they was going to put me on it because I don't think what my drag at that time was not the tea. Like, she looked wise. She was not the tea child. She didn't have the coins for it.

And I didn't know i didn't know much about drag at that time but i just did because everyone was like you should audition for drag race you should audition for drag race so i did it and lo and behold they actually picked my black ass i was like okay girl i think that's like a really nice testament to like if you want to do something just like fucking do, fucking do it. It might happen. It might not happen. But, like, if you don't try, you never fucking know. Exactly. That's it.

So, rumor has it, Nicole Page Brooks gave you a lot of help in the beginning of your career. And that's a rumor. No, no, no, no, no. No, she didn't give me a lot of help. Let me specify that. Nicole Page gave me some advice in the beginning. But she didn't give me a lot of help. And of course she didn't give me a lot of clothes.

Because have you seen the things that she wears? Victoria's Secret's angel down bras and panties. She's also so tiny. She's so tiny, baby. Listen. I think they should bring her back for all stars i love the call page brooks from atlanta georgia and then what do i love the older seasons what did raven say about her she has french tips on her toes drag race is such a fun show earlier seasons, they were so fucking catty, and I miss it.

Oh, so messy. The drama, honey. The drama. This comes to Atlanta Drag Show in the dressing room. You'll see all that. You'll see all that? Mm. I love the drama.

So, okay. Have you ever had anyone request to hook up with you while in drag? Oh, yes, I have. The boys and the men just love La La Ree for some odd reason. I feel like I look like a football player in a wig. However, they see this soft feminine woman, so we'll deal with that. And I have had those requests.

But me doing those things in drag, I just can't see. Like, I'm already hot when I'm in drag. So you added the pressure of me, you know, riding like a salgue in drag. But also it's like a little, I don't think it's like weird to be like, oh, I want to have sex with someone in drag. But I feel like it would be weird as the person because it's like, oh, so are you having sex with me or my character? Exactly. This is just discombobulated, okay? It's just too much confusion that i don't want to deal with honey let me just take off this eyelash at least girl and let's go from there i like i mean i have sex and

drag it takes me a long time to like break down my walls and take off my wig and rub my makeup off um just like i don't know i'm like really afraid of rejection it's um it's a problem yeah i mean listen i understand like drag is like for a lot of us it's just our confidence things like it's just this this this this what you call it armor armor yeah yeah for us to just be whatever and just be that sickening individual that we can't be when we're outside of drag you know yeah i did once have sex in my wig and then we went to dinner after and i was like smiling was in a good mood the server kept like staring at me and i was like what the fuck and then i looked in the mirror in the car and i was like my wig's crooked this is just not all right.

This doesn't, I don't look good. Well, that's not right. But you live in your best life. I didn't look good in the bag look, but I was in my best life. Here's the thing you did. Well, yeah, the mug was right. Now we're going to say the mug was on. The mug was right.

The outfit was, I can't think of the word I'm trying to use, but it was like... It was so... It was funny and fun and... Oh, daring. You came down the runway with bags. They weren't even stapled. They were taped to you,

because I remember after the lip sync, the PAs had to reattach the bags. And that was honestly the hardest I have ever laughed. People were just like, re-taping these bags to you. Right. In a five-minute commercial break. But you know what? I'm actually so surprised that that bag blew up to be what it was.

It was the entire Halloween costume two years in a row. never i knew people were going to read me down for it yeah however i didn't think that it was becoming this huge thing i've been at the met gala i've been on the red carpets of the vma i've been at the oscars in that bag look everywhere in that bag look i love it it's that's what i mean it's. It's so funny. I don't know. I wish more people had more fun. But okay, let me ask you, what happened? Because you, okay, yeah, you explained it a little. You were like, well, I tried to do something. That didn't work out. So then I tried to do something else and that didn't work out. So this is what it so what were you trying to do and i'm kind of mad at the producers for not showing us what you were trying to do okay so originally let me tell you originally i wanted the fabric that denali had on because i knew that would be easy to cut up and put on a hoop skirt like she did so uh she got that before me so i ended up with these horrible uh gift bags whatever so what i did at first i was trying to make like a i guess a uh tina turner inspired gown like a little dress that you wear on

stage that was the idea at first however when i started like piecing it together and i put it over this shape because you know i am shaped when i'm in drag time and it go over those pads so i was like okay this is not going to work. And I'm not a theme trist, so I don't know how to like sew anything. So that's when I went over to the whole glue in the bag to the corset and child. That's what we got.

That's what we got. God, I love it. Also, it's just funny that the show gave you bags. Yeah. Like, that's a hard, that's not a material. Bag is a bag. Not a material at all. Exactly.

Like, I don't know what they expected us to do. But, I mean, you did have Utica, who did, like, a whole entire gown out of a single bag. Okay? And you had me sitting next to her. It was very funny. Yeah. Truly, because I was like, wow. very funny.

Yeah. Truly. Cause I was like, wow, she really constructed a whole, a whole garment that, you know, is an actual garment.

And then at the same time we got bags. And we're sitting next to each other. That's the gag. Oh, that's so funny. Yeah. Oh, I love that. What is like,

what's the weirdest thing a fan or like romantic interest has done to you? That's a weird question. But yeah, what's your weirdest encounter with like a fan? Is this a sexual encounter? It can be sexual. It can be non-sexual. It can be whatever Valerie wants it to be. I've never had a sexual encounter

with a fan, but I've had a fan come to my show with a replica of the bad look on, and they wanted me to plow them while they had the bad look on. But that's dangerous for you. What if you get a paper cut?

Girl, are you serious? That's wild. Okay, can I ask your advice? I was asked out on a date by a man who he said he just wants to cuddle. Do you think fucking will happen? Or do you think we're just going to cuddle? You know, I would like to be that girl and say, yes, people can just cuddle and nothing will happen. However, if it was me in that position, I am going to be trying to toot this booty up on that pee-pee while we cuddle to get

that attention around because I can't just sit there and cuddle. I get hot quick, so I'm going to have to do something else. But, you know, he might be different. You know, there are different men out there, so maybe, you know. But, like, okay, I'm going to read you his profile. Yes, please and thank you. I mean, it's really not that interesting so uh they said to me okay they said hi i said hi what are you up to i said i just got back from uh thanksgiving uh that was fun how about you he was like just got back in town as well thank you and then he just wrote cuddle so i said you're trying to cuddle he said yes would love that i said okay when are you free he said anytime really i'm flexible how about you i was like next wednesday he said yes i'm free next wednesday i said great where shall

we meet up he said i'm open what do you feel like so i'm trying to like ask without asking i'm like am i meeting you at your house are we gonna get a drink first are we just cuddling but then in his profile he said that he loves naps he loves cuddling he loves massages and then pillow princess question mark and then swirl question mark he's down with the swirl i guess i mean he is not a black person. I think he's white, but, you know, you just can't call people white. Ask, maybe? I don't know. Right.

A pillow prince, does that mean he's gonna eat me out? That's what it sounds like to me, honey. But you know what? It's a red flag, because he seems like he has too much time on his hands, because he's napping and he's cuddling. Sweetheart, what do you do for work?

What is the money situation like? What's the money situation, honey? Does he have a bank account? What is going on? Unless you want to cuddle and nap in princess pillows. What's going on here? This other man said to me okay i think i read

this conversation on a different episode but he responded again he said so uh he said on 10 23 oof girl damn on 10 24 are you medusa every time i look in your eyes i get rock hard november 8th want to pee on me? Yesterday. Can I shit on you? It's really escalating. Keep it going. Keep it going. I'm ready for the sequel. I wonder what he's going to say next.

Okay. Real quick, we got to take a break. We're back. Boop up. Okay. While I read, here's a question. Are you on the apps? I am.

Okay. So I'm on BLK, the one I just used earlier. And I just recently made a grinder for the first time. Yes. I am a grinder girl now. Yes, I am a Grindr girl now. Let me tell you, that is a whole new world. How is Grindr treating you? Grindr has been cute.

I haven't physically met anybody off of Grindr yet. Okay. Because it's only been like a week. I've matched or whatever you want to say, communicated with people in the DMs. And they are like shrinks. Most of them just want to talk

about La La Ri. Okay, okay. Even though I have nothing about La La Ri on my Grindr, but of course they know me as La La Ri from my photos. So that's kind of like,

okay, girl, if you want to talk to La La Ri, go to her Instagram. She'll communicate with you over there this is La Rico right now okay and I'm trying to get

some booze okay stop playing with me do you find that frustrating yes it's annoying right yeah

I mean I don't mind you asking like a question or two about it of course but like if a conversation is going to continue to be about like

La La Ri or you know drag race and stuff delete me block me okay because i'm not here for that okay i want penis like everybody else on this app yeah i recently what was it on hinge this person uh messaged me so i are you on hinge or no i tried here but it was so confusing to me that i got off of it because I didn't know what to do. I was like, what are we hinging? Like, how do I hinge?

So I unhinged. How do I hinge? I can't be hinging. I must unhinge. Okay. Well, it is weird because you have to, like, answer prompts and stuff. And it's like, I guess they want you to, like, get to know the person before you message. I don't know.

But one of the prompts is, like, dream dinner guest. it's like i guess they want you to like get to know the person before you message i don't know but one of the prompts is like uh dream dinner guest i wrote the minions easy to social distance with them them bitches tiny because i answered it during quarantine and then this guy was like uh weiger would try to sneak them into that dinner. And that is my friend who has a podcast that I guess this guy listens to. And I was like, why would you think that that's a good introduction to just without saying it, oh, I've heard you on your friend's podcast talk about the Minions, but not say all of that. Just to say this weird thing, referencing it. And then I'm like, why is that your icebreaker?

Why do you want to talk about work? like weird thing referencing it. And then I'm like, why is that your icebreaker? Why do you want to talk about work? I'm not going to be like, uh, I don't know. Where do people work? This is tough for me. Oh,

there we go. Uh, uh, how about them whoppers? That's not McDonald's. That's not that big Mac. How's it going? Making the big Macs. I just,

it's so weird to me that people want to talk about work just right up top. Exactly. I don't get that. Like, no, let's not talk about that. Like, we're just trying to get to know each other. Let's work our way up to that

point, you know. Well, I'm not trying to get to know, I'm not going to lie, I'm not trying to get to know anybody. I'm just trying to fuck. But, however. I was in that stage for a very long time. But now I'm, like, horny for love. It's really annoying. I, like, think about people's weddings and how nice that is.

I don't think I want a wedding of my own, but, like, I just love love. Why not? Why not a wedding? Like, weddings are so beautiful to me i don't need a wedding i don't need someone legally tied to me and then trying to take all my fucking money if we ever get divorced get out of here this is true i was at the la auto show looking at all those families being like be nice to bring my family here but i don't want fucking

kids and i'm different I'm a hoe but I want three kids I don't understand life you're a hoe who wants three kids you want three kids I do because I think I'm Beyonce and she has three kids right now when she works my way up I work my way up what a funny way to live your life to be like

well Beyonce did this so surely I must exactly I saw this instagram video last night i have this little girl staring at this like snowman uh decoration and they're like what's wrong with you and she was just staring at it and i was like this little girl looks fucking possessed i don't want kids kids get haunted this is true this is true i don't want no fucking haunted kid. Imagine. I go in their room and their bed is all shaking, their head spinning around. And they're like, I'll kill you.

I don't want that shit. And they're upside down by their toenails on the ceiling. Yeah. I don't want it. Okay. So, wait. You want three wait, you want three kids? I want three kids. That's so much.

So you want to get married. You want to have the wedding, a house with a picket fence. Well, I don't know about the picket fence, but I do want the house. Well, I kind of want the ceremony ceremony the wedding ceremony because i'm like dramatic and i want a production i don't want the actual marriage that comes with it afterwards like we can have the wedding we can have the production and the ceremony and then go our opposite ways you're giving my three kids and then go opposite ways okay okay yes so i i don't want to deal with the men

because I've dealt with men in the past and it just, dating and relationships, it just has not worked out for me. So in this point in my life, I don't need a man. Okay. I wish I could get there. I wish I could not. I mean, I don't need a man.

Right. I just like really want one. Like, I just, I want someone to come home to that seems so nice yeah and then like going to bed with someone oh right and you know and i tell myself that i don't need a man because i think i'll just tell myself to deal with the fact that i'm single and i don't want to accept the fact that i'm single and ain't nobody in my inbox trying to be with me other than wear me out and leave me like the whore that I am, honey. I saw this again on Instagram.

It was like, you have to be comfortable traveling by yourself because you are with yourself. And I was like, says a lonely single bitch. I'm fine traveling alone. I want to travel with somebody. I want somebody with me. Yeah. We all want somebody with me. Yeah. We all want somebody with us.

Right? Like holding hands is fun. I love holding hands and walking around. I also really like when someone kisses my forehead. Like, I think that's so sweet. Really? Yes. That is so cute.

I'm very much in like my romantic phase. I've left my hoe phase and I'm very much like, I just want to be like kissed on the forehead. I want my hand held and I want someone to be like, Nicole, God, you're it's just the feelings are because it's the, you know, the weather, the holidays. You know, a lot of people get like that during the holidays. Like, you know, the summertime, hot girl summer, you know, a-hoing down. And then when the winter comes, she's like, oh, girl, I was a hot girl summer. And now I ain't got no man. Now I want one. Oh, my God. Maybe.

It's getting closer and closer to Christmas. And Christmas is like the time to like look at decorations with your loved ones and shit is true oh my god duh i am a horny for love christmas bitch yes oh my god okay lala how many relationships wait is it Lala Ri or is it Lala Ri is like like okay my name is Nicole Byer but you can just call me Nicole oh here's a way to ask it is Lala the first name and Ri the last name or is it Lala Ri all together it's Lala wait now you're confusing me it's Lala as the first name and Rue as the last name oh okay

what a wild way to ask that I was like I will make this as difficult as possible right thank you but you didn't call me Lala Rue like most people call me Lala Rue I don't know why they want me to be Lala Rue for so bad they call you Lala Rue? Rue yes I don't know

rude I will only call you by your government name Lala Rue for so bad. I call you La La Rue? Rue, yes. I don't know. Rude. I will only call you by your government name, La La Rue. Thank you. You're welcome. How many relationships have you had? Okay. That is such a difficult question. I mean, a difficult question for me to answer because I've dated so many guys.

But I think I've only had, honestly, out of the hundreds that I've dated, I've honestly had probably one real relationship. And that was with a Gemini. Oh. The headache and the hardships that was. I worked with a Gemini that it ended up very badly. Exactly. Gemini's are crazy. They are bipolar. Okay. They're on another level of badly. Exactly. Jim and I are crazy. They are bipolar.

Okay. They're on another level of bipolar. Okay. Oh my. Yeah. They were just not great. So I get it. So wait,

so you've had one relationship? Yeah. That I would claim as a real relationship. The other ones were just, you know, commercial breaks, you know, passing the time.

That's funny. Yeah, I haven't had too many relationships either. I don't even know. I like, I've only really dated people for like two months. Maybe three months is the max. Yeah, I think right before the pandemic, I was dating someone for three months. And they just, by the end, I was like, this person doesn't like me. Like, they fundamentally don't like me.

And that is such a weird thing to realize. But then be like, but I'm going to hang on to this and hope that it works out. And maybe they'll start liking me again like they did in the beginning. And guess what? And it doesn't work. He didn't. And I think he's engaged now. You know, beautiful things.

Isn't that the worst thing ever? When you try your best for a person to like you and they go and find somebody else and get engaged with them right away? Yes. And the thing that sucks the most is he was like, I don't even think I believe in monogamy. Like, I don't think I could like I want to just be with one person. And I was like, oh, okay. Well, like, I, right now at this juncture, I believe in monogamy. And he was like, yeah, I don't know.

And then he got engaged to one person. And also, I don't know the ins and outs of their relationship because Instagram doesn't allow you to, like, really stalk them. Right. Listen, I understand. I'm a stalker myself, so I understand. Listen. Right. Listen, I understand. I'm a stalker myself, so I understand. Listen! No, we're not stalkers. We're researchers. You're absolutely correct. I am a researcher. I am a

professional in the field of trying to figure out love. I'm just out here doing the research and research shows that you can only get to so close on Instagram exactly exactly showing up to their house hiding under the bed

and going why didn't you love me thinking I'd rather go blind by Anna James okay so you're not looking for anybody except to give you three kids, but then to have a ceremony and then walk away. This is a very funny, like, future you've put together for yourself. Yes, it is. No, I'll just decide. It is. No, I'll just decide.

Like, it would be nice, honestly and truly, to have that fairytale love life. But in reality, I don't feel like within the LGBTQ plus community and living in Atlanta, I don't foresee that because, like, dating in Atlanta is, what's the word? Horrible. Nobody really wants love in Atlanta. And I guess I might have to move to LA for love if that's what I really, really, you know. Stay out. They don't want it here either.

They don't want it there. So look, okay. So that's why I was like, you know what? This is the idea that I'm going to create for myself so I can accept the fact that I may never actually find the love that I truly desire oh no we gotta start doing positive affirmations la la re so what i do is i spent a long time being like i'm unlovable i'm never gonna find love men hate me but now i like kind of anytime i like let the like

those thoughts creep in i'm like no i will find love i do deserve love i'm just on a different level than everybody else it's gonna take me a different amount of time to find it because you know some of my most basic friends are in relationships and they hop from relationship to relationship but then i'm like the person they're dating is probably fucking basic and i don't want to be a part of that relationship yeah so you know the good lord or whoever's up there is waiting to give me what I deserve. And what I deserve is somebody who's going to treat me right. Yes, sir. I deserve somebody who won't fuck me good.

Yes, sir. I deserve somebody who's going to. Say that. Yeah, yeah. Oh, thank you for coming to church. Make sure you put your tattens in the basket. I'm leaving now.

I haven't been to church in so long. Listen, we don't even want to talk about that. It's been forever for me. And my mother hates it because, you know, I come from the South. You know, religion and, you know, all this. I you know religion and you know all this i always say girl i go to church when i'm at brunch they play golf music there that's my church

i used to go to church like every sunday vacation bible school sunday school btu which i don't know what that stands for oh me neither baptist training unit i think i don't know um went to a baptist church my mother brought me every fucking sunday yeah um and it was funny because like growing up like lgbtqia plus people were like accepted i feel like at my church like nobody ever preached about it being wrong or whatever and we had gay people in the congregation um and my mom was like cool with it it wasn't until like i grew up and i was like oh christians don't like this and it's like i was like wholeheartedly confused and i was like yeah yeah but like doesn't god love like everybody but then you preach that no he don't like some people and i'm like

what are we doing it's confusing right it right? It's confusing. It's very confusing. Yeah. Because I'm like, okay, the Bible says X, Y, and Z, but also says don't eat shrimp. And we love shrimp. They love what is a crab oil. Uh-huh. Yeah, don't eat shellfish.

And it's like, hmm. We be eating it. The Bible has so many weird stories. There's like a story about like someone had to circumcise a bunch of babies to get God to love them or whatever. And I was like, wait, this can't be.

Exactly. Who was writing these books? Who wrote this? And what the fuck was they tripping on? Because I want some. These are some wild ass stories. Exactly. They said this man built a boat and got every single animal, male and female. This man was checking giraffe genitalia to bring it on the boat.

That's wild. Yes. Listen. Give me some of that because I need some of it. Okay? Okay. Back to love and relax shops. Do you remember your first kiss? Do I remember my first kiss?

I think I was young, okay? So I don't even know if I should be saying it because I don't want to promote children kissing at such a young age. But okay, we're just going to say I was young, okay? Okay. And I remember that it was my neighbor's son, and he was in my room, and we kissed. And my mother walked in on us.

Oh, my. In the middle of the kiss. Oh. And I remember she beat both of us so bad. I get a whooped us. You know, because the homosexuality in the South would have...

But the thing is, after she whooped us or whatever, she made us take a nap, quote unquote, or put us on punishment. And she kept us in the same room. And because I am a rebellious soul, I kissed him again when she left outside. Oh, I just got beat. So, hey, I'm going to kiss you again.

I didn't get beat for nothing. So, yeah, my first kiss was a very traumatic experience. Yeah, sounds like it. And I was just having this conversation with someone about, like, because I got spanked a ton. I was not a child who followed the rules and I was like wait so like if you hit an adult as an adult you like go to jail that's assault but if you hit a child nothing happens nothing happens you just have to like hit them a bunch and then you go to jail. When you hit them a couple of times, people are like, well, I guess they'll stay online. Exactly.

Like a kid does something you don't like, you hit them. That's wild. It's wild. I never understood it. I never understood it, Frank. Me either. I mean, yeah, look how I turned out. Also, all of my spankings were more, I mean, I got spanked, but like, my sister would always be in like the doorway being like, no, stop.

And I was like, so I don't know who it was more traumatic for, like me or my sister. And honestly, I think it was my sister. Yeah. I have ADHD. I'd be like, I forgot what the pain felt like. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Here's an invasive question. Do you like circumcised or uncircumcised dicks? I like circumcised, okay? Okay. Because I have watched some pornos with the uncircumcised teens. And I don't kink shame or anything like that, but I've seen the men who have the cheesy dick. Ooh. Right.

And I don't want to be a part of that moment, so I prefer circumcised because I don't do cheesy on the dick I do cheese on my ham sandwiches but if you just wash it you know some of them don't like to wash it like they're into like you know

oh that's what they're into yeah well that is not for me I do prefer a uncircumcised penis. I feel like that extra skin is like an extra little treat. Like a little like, ooh, it's a little extra. Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. More cushion for the pushing, yeah.

I prefer it. Like one of the best sticks I've ever had was uncircumcised. And honestly, I miss it. I miss it all the time. I miss it before Like, one of the best dicks I've ever had was uncircumcised. And honestly, I miss it. I miss it all the time. I miss it before bed. Yeah. I miss it. But I will say that uncircumcised, they usually have the biggest ones, though.

Those uncircumcised be like horse meat, okay? Like, what? Girl. I once hooked up with this dude who, he was really skinny. And he, like, pulled down his pants and had the hugest dick I'd ever seen. I just went, oh. Oh, there is a God. Oh, Lord, have blessed me today.

Glory, glory. Glory be to God. We're not going to stay here and play with the Lord. Okay. Do you think you, like, you don't go to church anymore, right? No, I haven't been to church in years. I still, like, listen to gospel music and I, you know, pray and, you know, read the word from time to time. Or whenever my mother sends me a scripture.

But I haven't been to church in years. Like, is there any reason why you were like, meh, I don't need this anymore? Because the whole homosexual thing, like like the churches that i went to they would try to single out the homosexuals in the the the the in the congregation yeah the congregation yeah um and then i discovered quote-unquote gay churches in atlanta uh wishing sit well with my spirit because I feel like it was more of like a club. Okay. A gay club more so than a church. Like, I feel like people weren't coming there for worship in a sense.

They were coming there, you know, to be a fabulous gay person, like show off their looks and, you know. To be seen and whatnot. For the wrong things. Right. So I couldn't get into the quote-unquote gay churches either so i just figured i'll just praise the lord on my own and just you know figure it out i like that i think that's nice to like you know still be involved do it on your own but i hate that i hate that you went to a church where you felt singled out or were singled out

yeah i like literally like called i remember i was at the, what do you call it? Like a little event that they have outside of the church. The pastor, he called me out, like brought me to the front and just throw a print of me about, you know, trying to rebuke the gay out of me. I was like,

Oh my God. And I'm just sitting there like, girl, it's not going to work. You can stop now. It's not going to work. You can stop now, sister. It's not going to work. Girl, you are wasting your breath. He made it worse.

I'm going to make you all like, oh, my God, girl, why are you praying over me like that? Stop. Jesus don't want that. Too much attention. What are you doing? What you doing? Boy, if you want to sleep with me just that's very funny but also very traumatic real quick we gotta

take another break and we are back. Yes! Okay, Lala Ray, if someone were to hit on you in, like, person, what would you like them to say to you? Hey, shawty. Hi, you talking to me? You know, I like when there was no team.

I like when boys call me shawty because I'm really tall. So when a short guy called me sh You know, I like when there was no tea. I like when boys call me shawty because I'm really tall. So, and when a short guy called me shawty, it makes me feel very, like, feminine, you know? Ladylike. So, I like, you know, a shawty. So, yeah, that really hurts me when they say a shawty. Okay. And then we be like, a shawty.

Oh, I'm so tiny. I often think of, like like what I want someone to say to me when they hit on me. And I guess shawty works. Hey, shawty. Hey, shawty. But you have to be Atlanta way. You have to say it the Atlanta way.

Hey, shawty. Hey, shawty. Shawty. It's the D, not a T. Shawty. Shawty. Shawty. Hey, shawty. Hey, shaw T. Saudi. Saudi. Saudi. Hey, Saudi.

Hey, Saudi. I can't do that. It's not coming out of my mouth, right? Hey, Saudi. Oh, my God. I am choking. Hey, Saudi. No.

Hey, Saudi. Saudi. Saudi. I truly can't do it. This is boggling my... Yeah. Hey, Saudi. Hey, Saudi.

It's that southern slang, the southern tongue, you know? I love Atlanta. I've only been there a couple of times, but it was really... Last time I was in Atlanta, I was shooting something, and I had a driver, which was very nice, God bless. And the driver was like, you like drinking? And I was like, I do. I do drink. And he said, what do you drink?

I said, vodka soda. So then when he picked me up, he had a big gulp cup full of vodka soda. And he's like, this is for you. And I was like, okay. And I was like, I'm not drinking this. Then I got back to my hotel room and I was like, well, if anything happens, I'm alone in my room. So I drank all of it. And I got real fucked up.

It's that Southern hospitality. We want to make you feel at home, you know. It was so kind and so nice. Yeah. You don't get shit like that here. Nobody be offering me booze here when they drive me around. Very rude. Very unkind.

Very unkind. That's L.A. for you, honey. And let's talk about the food options in L.A. Okay. Okay. And let's talk about the food options in LA. Okay. Where do you go and find like the good food in LA? Do you have like any recommendations? Because child, the vegan. What kind of food are you looking for? So, you know, I'm from the South. I like fried chicken, macaroni and cheese. Fried chicken is a little hard to find here people say Roscoe's I don't really like Roscoe's I think it's okay Gus's is pretty good

um Howlin Ray's I think is pretty good and those are the two that I fuck with they have a Harold's here but I'm like I don't know is your Greece the same as Chicago I don't fuck with that so those are the two I go for fried chicken. But honestly,

in the comments, if you got a good fried chicken spot, leave it in the comments. And don't you dare say Dave's hot chicken because that's just not it. Sorry. Okay. Mother Wolf is pretty good in Hollywood for Italian. There's this place called

Meta Meta Bar, which is also good for Italian. La Antica De Michelle is also good for Italian. I love pasta. Asteri Labuca, good for Italian. A lot of good Italian in LA. Okay, so I'm going to do Italian when I'm in LA. Maybe that's what's the issue. Get the pasta.

The pasta. And there was a good French restaurant that I went to. Oh, shit. Get the pasta. The pasta. And there was a good French restaurant that I went to. Oh, shit. I can't fucking remember. Petit Trois. I think that's what it's called. Petit Trois.

And then Trois Mecs. That was pretty good, but I think it closed. Are you coming to LA soon? Is that why you're asking for food recs? Are you in LA? No, I'm in Indianapolis right now, but I will be in LA next month. I'm always in LA. I'll be there next month. Indianapolis. How's the nightlife there?

Well, I got here last night for an event. They got me drunk and they got me high. I took marijuana. So, so far, so good. So far, so good. So far, so good. But it's freezing here.

Oh, yeah. It's also cold in L.A. But not this cold. Not this kind of cold. No, probably not. No, the Midwest is very cold there, darling. Exactly. Anytime I, like, where was, oh, Denver.

I did a show in Denver, and you're at a different altitude in Denver, so I already feel a little high, or like a little elevated, if you will. And then after the show, during the meet and greet, someone was like, here, you want to hit my vape pen? I was like, sure. And as I took like a very deep pull,

they were like, it's pretty strong. And I was like, okay. And then like 30 seconds later, I was like. Oh yeah, they say Denver is on another level it was wild I was like y'all took me the fuck out so I don't really smoke in public

anymore because I'm like I gotta make it home I can't be doing this oh Lala Rae what advice do you have for me to find a man or woman or person or whoever you know i say this all the time because things would be yourself and it would attract the right person like your energy is amazing already i love it you are a beautiful beautiful beautiful specimen honey i love that you're saying that's why i'm wearing a hoodie my glasses and my little already. I love it. And you are a beautiful, beautiful, beautiful specimen,

honey. I love that you're saying this. Why I'm wearing a hoodie, my glasses, and my little beanie. Okay. Uh, you're very successful. It's very successful.

Um, I feel like the right person will come. So you just continue to be yourself and put out the great energy and it will attract the right person. It may, like you said earlier, it may take time, but greatness takes time.

It really does. I didn't become this adorable overnight. It was truly just a lot of work. No, I'm kidding. And it twerked that ass from time to time, you know. I see you on the pole. Yes, honey, and I live for it.

Thank you! It's one of my favorite hobbies. I love it. And safest for my dainty little ankle that isn't fully healed. When it gets cold out, my whole body gets so achy, and my ankle starts hurting. And I'm like, is this what old age is? Because if so, I rebuke thee and want to throw thee away. Thank you.

Wait, Lalari, how long have you been dancing? Oh my God, I think I started dancing at the age of five, I believe. My father was a dancer, so I guess I inherited his dance genes. I've been dancing since I was like five. I just started

training until I was 14, though. Oh, okay, so you are formally trained yeah yeah i've been trained in what ballet jazz modern um i trained in everything from ballet to jazz hip-hop um african dance but my favorite dance style is um like a jazz funk and it's more like janet jackson ish yeah like the afro beat style of dancing african dancing I love african dance styles um I wish I could dance I also wish I could sing those are the two things that I don't have um I always say what I always say that people everybody can dance you might can't dance on beat but okay you can dance. There you go. I mean, yeah, I can dance,

but is it on beat? No, thank you. She's not. My body says, I don't know what rhythm is. She's not my friend. Right, but you can dance. I can twerk a little bit. Yeah. That's about it. I can twerk in a split. Those are my, like, party tricks. That's as much as I can do. Yeah, but you do

pole work, and that is a talent. Thank you. Here's the thing. I'm not really, I don't have a flow. I just know a couple of tricks that I string together, but I'm working on trying to like be fluid and more like experimental with some of my movements. It's hard. It's very hard to to be like i'm in these giant shoes and just this little pole is here to help me and if i miss the pole i might fall down yeah yeah but even with the tricks because i can't do anything on the pole like me and pose well certain kind of pose the shorter poles work for you the shorter circumcised poles are the ones

you like and those work. Yes, but the other kind of poles. No, thank you. We're not the best. We're not the best of friends. Okay, so your advice for me is to just like stay true to who I am. Okay.

All right. Don't forget to twerk. And twerk a little from time to time. A little. Shake my little butt a to time. And twerk a little. Shake my little butt a little bit. Shake your little bum bum. Your bitty bitty bum bum. And then when I see someone I like, go up to them and go, hey, shout. Shout it.

Shout it. Oh, I think I did it. Shout it. You did it. Oh, you're about to be married next week. Look at that. Look at me. You're about to be married next week, honey.

I learned. I took it in. I'm thriving. Look at me. You're about to be married next week, honey. I learned. I took it in. I'm thriving. Yes. Okay, Lala, we've come to the end. And I ask all of my guests this question. I've only missed it a couple of times. But would you date me?

I would date you. I would love to date you. And you know what I would wear in the bedroom? The bag dress. Ooh. Yes would love to date you. And you know what I would wear in the bedroom? The bag dress. Ooh. Yes, you better give me some paper cuts. Yes. Okay.

Thank you so much for being here. Do you have anything that you want to promote? Oh, my God. Well, I am about to go on vacation, so I wouldn't be doing anything for a little while. Well, do you have a website? You can find me on Instagram at MissLalaRee, Twitter at MissLalaRee, TikTok at, I think, MissLalaRee. Everything is MissLalaRee.

Everything is MissLalaRee. Yes, but she's about to go on a vacation, darling, because she has been working this year, which I'm grateful for. But it's time for me to take a little break. Where are you going? I'm just going to travel around. I am going to travel to different places. I love that for you. Yeah, I'm just going to travel.

Just enjoy life. You know, we spend so much time working. And I travel a lot already, but I don't get a chance to actually enjoy the places that I go to. So I want to go and enjoy the places. I love this for you. Valerie, this was delightful. Thank you so much for being here. If you like this episode of Why Won't You Date Me, you can rate it, you can like it, you can subscribe on Apple Podcasts.

And if you write me something nasty hitting on me at whywontyoudate podcast at gmail.com mars my producer reads it do not send her nasty shit other than words she doesn't want any pictures of your dicks and your booty holes and shit okay this lovely person said dear nicole i'm gonna fill the trunk of my car with dildos then shove you in it we will drive around the block a few times where you and the dildos will bounce around in my trunk. Once you are slightly sore, but aroused from being slapped by bouncing dildos, I'll take you out,

bend you over my hood, and do you from behind until we finish. Bye-bye! That's fun! I like that! I like that! Right? I like that for myself. Yes. What a delightful one. Just bouncing.

Boopity boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop bo You Date Me with me, Nicole Byer. Why Won't You Date Me is produced and engineered by, oh, the sweetest woman I know, Marissa Melnick. It is executive produced by other wonderful people, Adam Sachs, Joanna Solotaroff, and Jeff Ross. Thanks for listening. I love you. Thank you so much. We'll be seeing you next Friday with a brand new episode. What a dream. What a dream. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. This has been a Team Coco production.