Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Live Your Rom-Com Era (w/ Sam Taggart)

Episode Date: June 2, 2023

Comedian Sam Taggart (host of StraightioLab) is here to spill some juicy insights on gay relationships and why they often swing open. Have you ever thought of Kevin James as a bear icon? Neither did Nicole, but Sam gives us a whole new perspective! He also tells the crazy story of a strange threesome he had with 2 cops from Boston. Plus, a candid chat about all things anal, and why we need to break the silence and start talking about our holes.  Write to Nicole! Submit your dirty pick-up lines, dating stories, or questions to [e-mail] for a chance to have it read on-air. Follow Nicole Byer: Twitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerMerch: podswag.com/datemeNicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Ooh, baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast where me, Nicole Byer, is just trying to fucking figure out love. Because I've done this for so long, the question is no longer why I'm single. Because I don't fucking know.

We haven't figured it out. So now I'm just exploring love. My guest today is a hilarious comedian who you see it on Z-Way, Surge Party, and Los Espookys. He's the host of Stradio Lab, a podcast from iHeartMedia, and Will Ferrell's Big Money Players Network. It's Sam Duggar! Bebop Wow What an honor

Sorry I didn't mean to interrupt your bebop boop boops I forgot I decided to do a short little bebop Well Wow thanks for having me It's such an honor And that was a beautifully short bebop Sam Are you single?

Married? Don't want to tell? Have secrets? Which is it? One, two, or three? I'm dating. I have a boyfriend named Misha. We've been together for nine years.

Nine years? Nine years. Oh, my God. Isn't that crazy? That is fucking crazy. How did that happen? How can that happen for me? Help me, Sam!

It happened, you know, on accident. I was at the gay bar Metropolitan with a friend, and he was at the gay bar metropolitan with his gay co-workers and you know they were sort of complaining it's so hard to meet a man in the city blah blah blah sort of sex in the city style dialogue and um he goes you know well it's not that hard look i'll show you and he came up to me and my friend and just started talking for like 10 minutes and it was like fine it was whatever and then he walked away and then like a few hours later i was like where'd that guy go and um then found him and then we hooked up and then we stayed together for nine years awful story that i hate i hate it so much because it's so simple it's so simple i it was a little

more yeah like it was a little bit more involved okay the fairy tale is nice but there was a lot in that like because i was very i was like 24 and i was like i'm not trying to date like i was like i'm gonna be single forever i like i'm so independent i'm so strong i'm so 24 and i uh like so he basically i was like yeah we can keep seeing each other but it won't turn anything and i was like fully kind of a bitch about it. And then he like sort of just waited it out. I mean, I want it. I like went out last night to a bar and there was a couple playing Uno at the bar. And at first I was like, ew, you fucking nasty motherfuckers. Go home.

And then I was like, what a cute conversation that was. I was like, do you want to go to the bar and play Uno? And then I like picked up my spit and I was like, what a cute conversation that was. I was like, do you want to go to the bar and play Uno? And then I like picked up my spit and I was like, they're so cute. I want that. Damn. Do you like cute stuff? I'm always a little bit, I have like a natural instinct to scoff at it. And I think it does hurt me sometimes. I scoff until I really think about it. And I've been talking a lot about it in therapy and I really do love cute stuff. Like I want someone to take me to like,

I don't know, dumb, cute places that like, maybe they like, and I don't think I like, like take me to six flags. Let's have a great adventure. Wow.

That is bold. You want to go to six flags with someone i don't know if you love six flags take me to six flags i will go there and i think it'd be really cute to like walk around and like hang out and i don't know like be in love i mean respect i mean going to six flags sounds fun don't get me wrong. I would go to Six Flags. No, it seems like you hate the idea of going to Six Flags with a loved one. It seems like you're judging me. No, I would love to go to Six Flags. I would go to Six Flags any...

I would go to Six Flags day or night. It just doesn't read romance to me. It reads... It's friend. Friend. It reads friend vibes, to be honest. Well, does Uno at a bar read sexy or friend vibey to you? It reads friend vibey and, okay, and it reads, it kind of reads like we don't have anything to talk about.

But Uno brings, I love Uno, really? You don't think they had anything to talk about? I think Uno at the bar, to me, is like, come on, babe. We've been in the house for four days. We both work from home. We've been making dinner all week. We have to do something. And I'm genuinely not trying to be mean, but it reads as like, we don't have sex anymore.

like we don't have sex anymore i am still envious of that couple because they have each other and they have the option to not have sex with each other anymore listen i just want to be in a relationship so i could be like hey can we please have sex some more or do you want to go to the bar and play uno like i want to be able to have those conversations and have those options i sure i just i want it i have a question are you in an open relationship or is it closed it's open yeah i'm like also when i was 24 i was really like listening to like dan Savage constantly and sort of like, look, I don't even know if I believe in monogamy as a concept and being really uppity about it. But he was like, okay, well, let's be monogamous for a little bit. And then maybe after that, we can feel it out.

And I was like, okay, sure. And so that's kind of how it went. And I do feel like this is a sweeping generalization I make about gay men. Sweep it! But I'm sort of like, eventually the arc leans to open. Like everyone, like you can be closed for a moment, but eventually you're going to get there. And it's like. Yeah.

you're gonna get there like and it's like yeah i would say again don't want to sweep but i would say 75 to 80 percent of my my gay friends in my my male skewing gay friends who are in relationships are in open relationships there's only a few that are enclosed ones. And they're going to be open soon, I feel. They're going to open it right on up. Do you ever get jealous? Do you have rules? Tell me about it. I actually am in my jealousy era, and it's not ideal. It's not a great feeling. But it does happen.

I think it was honestly after pandemic, like after being able to go out again, I was like, we were both kind of like, let's go fucking crazy. We've all been like locked up and now like no, no rules. Just like let her rip. And I think I felt a little bit like, uh, wait, I got sort of used to a certain level of like quiet and cozy and sort of like, and now I'm like, how do like, I need like way more communication around it than I used to. Like, and also I need to be like very, I also, those, you know, the years that the pandemic has been, I think I started out, I started out the pandemic, capital T twink.

And now, and I was like, and I was like, I just turned 30. And I was like, but it doesn't, I'm just like still a little twink and I'm a twink forever. And then now I'm like, you know, I'm like feeling my age a little bit more. And I'm like, like right i'm not like that type inherently and i think it's making me self-conscious in a way that is kind of surprising and so when like he goes he's like interested in someone like that i'm like oh so you think i'm old and decrepit and like you and i'm like needing i'm finding myself to be very needy and needing like reassurance of like my own value, which is not hot to need, actually. freshmen in high school at the start of the pandemic who are now like seniors in high school it's like damn they are a whole different people and haven't had time to be like in the world it's crazy but i get that yeah i get like going into the pandemic a twink and then

coming out of it being like i'm an adult i'm slightly older i'm being like who am i i mean i went into the pandemic a fat black lady and then i came out of it a fat black lady um nothing changed for me wait you went to high school with jeremy o'hara's yeah yeah wild have you seen slave play um oh my god you're doxing me you're doxing me. You're doxing me right now. Okay, I didn't see it. Okay. Like, I don't know how to see plays. You don't, you live in New York City.

I don't know how to see plays. It's like a secret network of people, like, sending tickets to each other. And I don't know how to get into it. You just buy them on the internet. Or you go to TKATS and you wait online. I've never figured out the secret way to get tickets. That's so funny. The secret way nobody will let me in.

It's so exclusive. Broadway's exclusive. Broadway's exclusionary and toxic. No, I didn't see Slave Play, but I hear it was amazing. I will say it's an interesting play. And I think the purpose is to get people talking, whether it be good or bad. Wait, where did you grow up?

You grew up in the Midwest? Yeah, I grew up in, I moved like every two to three years. So I grew up in like, I every two or three years so i i grew up in like i usually say like michigan and virginia but it was sort of like around uh the midwest and a little bit in the south as a teen did you date when did you have like did you wait till college i don't understand teens who date like i in high school that was not i was not that girl nobody was like let me kiss you nicole i was not that girl either like i think it's impossible like what do you i mean i i dated girls but very badly like i famously like i would like i kissed i made out like a little here and

there um but mostly because of societal pressure um it is funny when people on the right are like drag queens and trans people are indoctrinating children and turning them i'm like but what about all like the disney movies or like moms who are like look at this little guy the babysitter is the girlfriend you're like what the fuck i don't know i think straight people do more indoctrinating than anybody else of course i mean every fucking thing about like a first kiss and being like or like having sex before prom or whatever and i was like what the hell like um and it's also being a closeted gay teen is very confusing um because you are horny like you're like i know i'm horny i know i get my dick wet but i'm not sure with who definitely not with cindy and you're like but it almost like you're like so horny where you're like but maybe cindy like

it's sort of like i guess like i could and it's just like it was confusing and i feel one of my greatest guilts in life is actually anytime i would like quote unquote date a woman in uh high school and i feel so bad for them i trying to trying to like finger someone like when you're like not feeling it or like not sure what to do this it was just like i'm sorry i just like put my hand there and like literally i had a girl ask me like are you okay and i was like oh no i'm sorry oh no um are you okay you look like you want to die yeah i'm fine um just uh wiggling my little fingies in you. I was a little, and even beyond gay stuff, it was just like, I have no idea what I'm doing here.

Like, I just don't, like, it was such a mystery, the female sexuality, and not one that I was, like, willing to put in the work to figure out. And so it was like a complicated era for me, I would say. I wonder why they don't have, have like a sexual education class in school. I feel like our sex ed was like, don't have sex. Otherwise you get a baby.

Here, carry around this baby. And you're like, okay, this baby doesn't do anything. You had to carry around the baby too? Yes. Like cried every like every few hours? Yours didn't cry? No, we didn't get cry babies. We got normal just baby dolls to carry around.

Ours cried and we had to put a key in its back to like make it stop crying. You went to a school with money. Wrong. This was actually, this was a school with a high teen pregnancy rate and they were trying to figure it out. How? Absolutely. pregnancy rate and they were trying to figure it out how absolute i mean i feel like in school i should just be like you guys are gonna fuck anyway here are condoms he's gonna say it feels better without a condom which is true but like don't have a baby just like don't do it just wear the condom

until you're on birth control and then even still you might get preggy and then they should be like also you might be attracted to girls you might be attracted to boys you might feel like a boy you might feel like a girl listen all these feelings are good and valid yeah run with it run with it run with it feel your oats feel them sam we have to take a break oh sam we're back okay so wow so you've been with your boyfriend for nine years so does that mean you're not on apps or are you on apps i have them them. I have Scruff. And I use it sort of like I check it like Instagram. I don't use it very

often, but I am on it. I like to know where gay people are. I like to be able to be like, okay, so there are gay people here. Because sometimes I'm just by myself and I'm like, there's only one gay guy here. And then I open the phone and I'm like, oh, there's a hundred.

God, that's so funny. Oh, there's a hundred here. Anyone I run into might be one of the gay men. Also, I love going, my favorite hobby in the world is going to like a different city or

different town, especially a rural place, opening that little app and being like, okay, what do they look like here? Like, what is the vibe? Are they happier? less happy are they like and are they uglier well they're a lot more closeted they're a lot more um pretending to be straight um which nicole people are gonna be mad at me but sometimes it's kind of hot. Sometimes it's a little hot.

When I see like a guy in like Cincinnati who's like, you know, wears like ill-fitting khakis every day, I'm like, I'm like so turned on and I can't help it. Okay, so you're on Scruff. You love ill-fitting khakis. My assistant did some research, and Lindsay found out that you once had a threesome with two cops from Boston, which sounds like a hate crime in the making. How?

Where did I say this? This is such insane research. I have no idea. I'm feeling so deeply doxxed right now. Where did I say this? This is such insane research. I have no idea. I'm feeling so deeply doxxed right now. I'm like, this is crazy. Yeah, I lived in – when I was like 21, I lived in Chicago. My parents moved to like – they moved back from Virginia to Chicago.

And they were kind of like like it was a confusing era and I like had this apartment to myself sometimes and um my so I would like kind of I turned 21 and I was kind of going like a little being a little bit bad and my friends and I would like go to the gay bars and literally be like the twinks and be like we are 21 we are like psychotic and like please buy us drinks because we can't afford them and it was and so one night I like started talking to these guys and they were like oh we're both cops from Boston and we're visiting and I was? And they're like, do you want to come back to our hotel? And I was like, okay. It was like, I, okay, first of all, this was insane for many reasons. I can't do a good Boston accent.

But they were staying on Diversity Street in Chicago. And they kept calling it Diversity Street. They kept saying Diversity Street. And I was like, it's diversity. And they were like, okay, we're going to diversity street. So that was insane. And then we had the threesome. And they also kept, I was sort of in, they were sort of pretending to fuck me, if that makes any sense.

No. What do you mean they were, you just said they were pretending to fuck me, if that makes any sense. Like, what do you mean? They were, you just said they were pretending to fuck me. If that makes any sense. What do you mean? Were they like, they were just thrusting nothing going inside going. Oh yeah. So it was like dry humping,

but like, but it was like naked dry humping. And, but I was so inexperienced that I was like, oh, they must be fucking me. Like I was like, this is crazy. I was like, I'm doing it. I'm doing it. They must be fucking me.

We're all naked, so it must be happening. Oh, my God, Sam. I love this. It was so insane. Wait, so did they actually fuck you or no? No, no, never. We like ended up finishing via other methods. And I, but then like the next day I had like the most like moody day I've ever had in my entire life.

Because at this point I was like, I really thought of myself as like a good boy. And this was like being bad. And I was like, oh, I have like, I like, I have disrespected my family. I have disrespected like, I'm like being such like a threesome, like one of the most illegal things a person can do. Like, I was like, how dare I? Like, and it was like raining. And I literally like, I took the wrong bus to go to my musical improv class and I sat outside the musical improv class like at the like target coffee shop

like journaling being like being like how could this happen what have I become like you used to be somebody. Sam, I'm obsessed with this. Again, this is why in school we need to be like, it is different forms of sex are okay. Threesomes are okay. Nothing is terrible. I just raining wrong bus journaling. I love it. My God, he's so moody.

I'm so moody. It's bad. I need to chill out on the moodiness. That makes you laugh. I was addicted. That summer, I was addicted to both being a slut and then feeling really guilty about it. Oh, no. It was an amazing little cycle.

That's a wild... I've never felt guilty about being slutty. I wonder if that... I wonder... Were you, like, raised religious? I wasn't religious. My family was, like, very... They cared a lot about, like, their reputation.

So that was kind of, like, ingrained in me. So they're like Taylor Swift. A little bit. Yeah, I've always... That's the only thing I know about Taylor, that reputation. What is it? Look what you made me do. Look what you made me do. That's the only Taylor Swift song I know.

Really? Yeah, I'm not a Swifty. She's not for, and don't get mad at me, people. Everybody's not for everybody and she is not for me. Well, you doxxed me for saying I hooked up with two cops one time. And so now you're getting doxxed by saying that you don't like Taylor Swift. I actually don't know who's going to get more hate. Wait, what does doxxed mean?

You've said doxxed several times and I have just been pretending like I know what it means. And I feel dumb because I've seen it. I pretending like i know what it means and i feel dumb because i've seen it i just don't know what it means like famously it means like when you like release someone's address to get online hate oh i see that's the most uh like in like gamer gate that was what was happening a lot do you remember gamer gamer gate no gamer gate no what the fuck is gamer gate sam oh my god nicole this i can't catch you up on gamer gate gamer gate what is gamer gate gamer gate was this toxic movement on the internet i i swear to god i'm a normal person with an active social life and almost too active and yeah yes i know about gamer gate gamer gate was this thing where like all

these gamers got mad at a female game reviewer i believe because or no a female game developer because she got a good review for her indie game and it like later came out that she was like like had a love affair with the guy that reviewed it or someone at that publication. So they ran with it and they were like, see women have it. Like it was sort of like a incel movement, but it disguised as like a gamer movement. And it was like this woman, like it's about ethics and gaming journalism is what they kept saying,

where it's like women are treated differently and like CCC. And then they would like docs people who would disagree with them and like release their uh wow personal information and have people attack them but and then republicans later weaponized the gamergate movement to help elect donald j trump wait really yeah it was like that like weird online like radicalization of like kind of loner online guys. Oh, how wild. I just read a very funny article about Melania wanting just to be left alone and has no desire to participate in his next run.

And I just thought it was so, it was like in People magazine. I was like, this is funny. Where are you getting this intel from? What do you mean she just wants to be left alone? It reminded me of that scene in, what is it? Death Becomes Her, where Meryl Streep is getting the potion. And she's like, well, what do you do if you live forever? And she's like, some people just want to be left alone.

And I was like, did Melania take the potion and just wants to be left alone? It makes sense to me. I mean, I honestly feel like they could just like sort of guess that based on her vibe. She has a very like leave me alone vibe. She has bad vibes. Like, where did he scoop her up from? How did they meet? I need to have her on the podcast.

Melania, how did you meet Donald? And was it love at first sight? That's incredible. I mean, she would actually be a great guest, but for all the wrong reasons. For all of the wrong reasons. People would get so mad at me. Okay, I have another fact that I found out about you.

I'm so scared. This research is insane. Sam, you find the movie. i pronounce you chuck and larry to be one of the sexiest movies ever made i can't believe you um is this true not yeah i find it to be kind of hot i find um the idea of kevin james and adam sandler having sex to be very hot they're like sort of the quintessential like the guy in cincinnati who's just like um you know pretending to be straight um i i i don't know if you you probably know this but but like kevin james is like kind of a bear icon is he oh yeah oh yeah one time because we i've talked about my attraction to him on my podcast and somebody i was like hanging out with these bears and one of them was

like oh yeah you think you're so interesting for thinking kevin james is hot all bears think he's hot like welcome to like bear 101 and it was like okay bitch first of all fuck you wait we think kevin james is attractive because i like a bear i certainly like a bear but he does i'm truly i just pulled up pictures of him he does not do it for me and i think it's because he's not funny to me oh well i've never seen well i have seen chuck and larry but that's pretty much it um and unfortunately i've seen it three times um three times it could be a good movie it could have been a good movie if if at the end they actually did kiss and it was like meaningful and if they just get married for like health care reasons or something yeah but then they have to like really prove that they love each other because they're being investigated oh so it's like about them like proving how much they

love each other and uh and like like they almost it's obviously don't get me wrong it's very flawed but for a very flawed movie it almost it could have been better like a lot could have been saved if like they had just not been deeply homophobic at the end. Like, you know? Because it was their journey of homophobic guys having to be gay. I mean, a lot of movies could benefit from being a little less homophobic. So Kevin James is, he's on tour. It's called the Irregardless Tour. I don't think that's a word.

Well, he must be playing with that. He must be, maybe he's in his intellectual era and he's like making fun of people that think it's a word. Oh, maybe. Or he's in his anti-intellectual era. Maybe he is in his anti-intellectual era. But I'm like, where's LA? Why isn't he coming to Los Angeles?

He's going to Detroit? Spokane, Eugene, Oregon, Rancho Mirage, California. Where's L.A.? I want to see Kevin James. Oh, my God. Kevin James is your Broadway. You'll never figure out how to see him. I'll never figure it out. Oh, my God. I didn't your Broadway. You'll never figure out how to see him. I'll never figure it out. Oh, my God.

I didn't know Kevin James was still doing things. Oh, yeah. This is now a podcast about Kevin James. So you don't find him hot? No, I sure don't. Do guys need to be funny for you or just comedians? Just comedians. Well, I mean, if I'm dating you I want you to be like kind of funny

or at least find me funny like you can't just like sit around with my friends and have like a dead face on you know what I mean you gotta be like ooh yeah they're funny ha ha ha ha I once went on a date with a guy who we went out with a

couple of my friends and he was like are you guys always the loud table and i was like okay yes yes we are sorry about it yeah that can be tough for um normies actually i find um that's a that's a common complaint is sort like, I don't want to be around everyone screaming. And it's like, well, they got to get their riffs in, baby. Sorry about it. Yeah. We got to get our bits, our little bits, riffs, and little jokey-jokies.

If we don't, we die. I have a question. Yeah. When did you say I love you to your partner? When did we? I think it was like two to three months ish in okay um we were in my lofted bed in greenpoint and um yes and he said it first and then i was like okay yeah okay wait so you didn't say it back to him?

No, I did. I did. But it took us, I was like, huh. I guess then, okay, yeah, I love you too. And then we kind of ran with it. That's cute. Nicole, romance is hard. Romance is hard.

Romance is really hard, and I don't know how to get into one. I went out last night. I did my makeup very minimal because apparently men like minimal makeup. I tried to look like fresh and fruity and adorable. And there was no men in there that wanted to talk to me. There was one man drinking a beer. And I like saddled up next to him trying to get a drink. And he didn't look up from his phone. And I was like,

okay. Then there was a couple playing Uno. And then there was just like a bunch of other couples and there was no room for me anywhere. Sam, how do I get someone to love me in a lofted bed? I think you, I think it's like,

this is, I don't know if this is true but i'm gonna say it la it's like you need to leave la you need to like find someone outside of la like like when i go to la it's the most sexual flop i ever can possibly be like it's like some suddenly everyone it's everyone's playing a different game. And it's like, you need to be around people that are sort of listening to you in a real way. And sort of people that aren't afraid of what anything means for their career. That's my thought. Does that ring true in any way?

Yeah, I guess I'll list my house and get out of la just where should i move to philly philly oh sam philly i don't know for some reason i'm a philly stan i like really i have no idea why i've just decided philly's the spot last time i went to philly it was pretty tough i did not enjoy it oh really what how so i don't want to i feel like if i complain about it people will come for me but um it was just like a little i don't know i tried to get a philly cheese steak couldn't find like we couldn't figure out where to get a good one. And then we ended up eating at a PJ Clark's and it was bad. Our server was truly like nodding out as he gave us plates of food,

which is like, great. I'm glad that you're functioning and you have a job. But it was just like a gloomy place. I think maybe I'm, yeah, i'm like too focused on the gay spaces i like again i like i love like a like a smaller city gay scene is always so interesting to me and like the way that they have like big gay bars and i like that they have big gay bars that are pretending to be bigger city gay bars but they're not like they they do what they think new york does but it's completely wrong and what do they do that's wrong in little city gay bars but they're not like they they do what they think new york does but

it's completely wrong in a way that's wrong in little big gay bars okay literally like they'll have like shot like a person walking around with little shots but they're in like vials like and like like neon vials and it'll be like this is not chic this is not what this is not what happened in la really what happens. They do that in LA. Really? Yeah, I was at Pre-Saint and they had like little test tube bottles. And I was like, what is this? Oh my God.

And he was like, each shot is $20. I was like, get away from me. That's insane. Those should be free. Yeah. saying those should be free yeah i also think when people have like i feel like a smaller city thing is like having like t-shirt ripping off contest or like the butt off or something like that and it's sort of like to to i feel like they're like a little shyer and they need like a little bit more push to like be sexual yeah josh sharp and i went to a bar in la where i think it was a hole contest or a penis

contest where you just go up and they take a picture of it and then they blast it on the screens and everyone cheers for whichever one they like the best and a woman entered and everyone booed her and i don't i don't think i've laughed as hard as that i was like this poor woman that is so funny contest or a hole i don't remember it was dicks or holes and some poor woman i think had them take a picture of her pussy and it was flashed on the screen and this poor woman heard wow! Wow. She's an icon. I can't imagine doing a hole contest out at a bar.

Like, if someone was putting flash on my hole, I would be a little self-conscious. Yeah, but a flash is going to make it look great. Okay, then I'm in. Where do I sign up? I think I could do it. Yeah? Yeah.

I don't have a problem with my bottom. I think my bottom part is great. I think my bottom part is mixed. Mixed? Yeah. A titty contest would be too hard for me. Because some people have great titties, and I've seen a bunch of my friends' titties, and I'm like, oh my god, you have movie titt like oh my god you have movie titties i don't have movie titties i just have little titties

well it is la they better have movie titties for christ's sake some of my new york friends have movie titties it's what like i am constantly surprised shook gooped at like how good some of my friends titties are and it's really upsetting well i i've been trying to talk to people about their assholes more um my my gay male friends it's almost like everyone pretends that it always is good to go and everything's always working and i'm like i know for a fact that's not true like there are tips and tricks that people are gatekeeping to be completely honest interesting yeah i think we need a little more in the same way we need sex ed we need like bottom ed and um i'm like desperate to

talk about it what is something you've discovered that has been gate kept i i think what is actually gate kept is that it's hard for everyone like like i think what is actually gatekept is that it's hard for everyone. Like, I think what I was surprised to learn, like, I kind of thought I was the only one. And everyone's like, no, like, I had a fissure for a month. Or like, I like tried to do this and it hurt me. What's a fissure? It's like a tear in the the lining of the asshole yeah it happens very easily yeah yeah even going to like i went to a doctor once because i was like

is something wrong with me and she was like no it's like a sensitive area and you just kind of have to like really take it slow and i was like huh well it seems like everyone else is going buck wild so something must be wrong with me. I mean, did you ever watch Queer as Folk? Yeah. They just go for it. There's like barely any lube involved. There's never any like, you know, warming somebody up.

They're just sticking dicks in butts. And I'm like, I don't think that's correct. I don't think that's correct. I don't think that's correct. And then also, I'm like, what if you had a burrito for lunch or whatever and you are filled? Like, you got douched a little bit before. There's prep that has to go into it. Yeah. It's so difficult.

Yeah. And I also, like, just really crave being like that psychopath that's like yeah i can take whatever let's go let's fucking go and i'm just not i don't think i'm ever going to be that person but um you know there's still time there is still time and i think it has a lot to do with like diet and then um always being douched and ready, carrying lube with you, pre-lubing your butt before. Just always having a lubed asshole. I think that might be helpful. Wait, Sam, speaking of lubed assholes, we have to take another break.

Sam, we're back. And let's get right back into those lubed assholes. I've only done anal once, and I didn't love it or hate it. I was very indifferent about it. Really? Yeah. Did you find it painful or like oh yes i did i found it very very painful but like after i was in i was like okay that's fine um and then i had another guy try but like we didn't talk about it and he was just like pushing it and i was like wait are you

trying to go in my butt and he was like yeah and i was like wait are you trying to go on my butt and he was like yeah and i was like no baby i have to prep do you want me to shit on you and then that took everyone out of the mood oh no it's true yeah my i always like try to like jump in head first even still like i'm like i really like to be like okay okay, let's just pretend. Because when it, like, the first time I did it, it was like, it felt like a miracle. Like, it was like, oh, my God. Like, it worked so well and so easy. And I was like, and I was really, I was like, this is what I'm going to do forever now. Like, I figured it out.

And then it was just like, and even the next morning I did it again. And I was like, I'm fucking crazy. Like, oh, here I go. And then, so since then I've been like, huh, what is the issue? And like, not that it doesn't happen, but it's like, it always takes more work and it always is like a start and stop. And it's like, Oh, it's so unsexy to start and stop. And to be like, hold on, actually, hold on, hold on.

Hold on. Just need a minute. minute hold on just wait for a second um just uh sorry just i mean i think it's okay to start and stop i think maybe you're just getting older and i don't know does your asshole get tighter as you get older is that a dumb question i thought the opposite i thought i've always, I feel like popular media has told me the opposite, which is unfortunately our only form of sex ed. You are right. You are very, very right. But maybe it's like, I'll hit 40

and then the asshole will just open wide up, you know? There'll just be room for everybody. Yeah. Maybe my 30s will be my top era and my 40s will be my bottom era how does that sound i mean switching up era sounds great i used to think that like i was like a little bit of a top like a power bottom with like a little top energy and i've since realized there's no top energy to me it is full power bottom like i want you to take me and fucking

blow my back out that's all i want that's all i and i just want you to like throw me around and tell me what to do yes and i'm just here to take it it's a nice feeling you know i have the theory that like that's a performer thing like i think like performers really like that like you think i do i think they like because you're like being fully adored in like this way and even like you're being like told you're like able to be good you're like being told what to do and you are like achieving it and oh my god it's like getting notes after a scene it's like can you just try it this way and it's like get on your back okay like this raise your hips like this i'm so good at this i'm so good at this i'm the best little fucker out there i'm gonna book i'm gonna book um i'm gonna fucking book. I'm gonna book. I'm booking. I'm booking.

There's something to it. A little bit. Yeah. I'm really horny right now. And I don't know if it's our conversation or the fact that I haven't had sex in a very long time. You mentioned you went out last night. Do you get hung over horny

oh well i'm not quite hung over i had two drinks because i drove there so i was like i can't get to shit face and i should have taken a left because parking is terrible where i was um i did lose my car um how where do you know where it is now i do i did find it last night so and i wasn't hammered like i wasn't drunk um we were walking and i was like oh yeah i parked down this way and i had two friends with me gillian betsy who were very kind and didn't make me feel dumb about losing my car um And we were walking and I was like, I walked two blocks this way to get there, but these two blocks are weird. And then I was like, oh, I parked on the other side of Sunset.

So then we had to cross Sunset and then I very quickly found my car. But I gotta say, losing your car is scary. Sam, I was like, what if I never find it and I never go home? Then I was like, do I just get a lift and like leave my car somewhere? What level of panic did you get to? Were you like, were you at that place where you're like, oh, I might never find it. It wasn't like full blown panic. Cause I had two friends with me, but I was like a little embarrassed. And I kept being like, guys, I'm really sorry. I lost my car.

And they're like, it's okay. We'll find it. Um, and then we were using the, like your car's parked here on the iPhone. And I was like, but I think it's wrong. And Gilly was like, I honestly don't think it's wrong. I think we should follow that. And I was like, okay. So we followed it for a little bit. And then I was like, ah, yes, I know where I am. Maybe that's why I'm single. I go out and I lose my car and men are like, I don't want to deal with that. You know, talking about a good way to find someone toppy i feel to be like oh i don't even know where my car is they love to be like babe let me fix let me find it for you i am dying for a James to call me babe. He's still up on my computer and he is honestly though, okay.

He's bald now with a beard and that's kind of doing it for me. Really? So that is interesting. Yeah. This bald beard look is actually for me Wow Okay I prefer him with hair

Oh, you do? Yeah I like the classic Kevin James Well, I think that era is gone I think classic Kevin James is out Bald-headed, bearded Kevin James Who won't do a show in la is in okay i need to embrace the present and learn to love bald-headed um bearded okay who's another bear that you think

is hot oh um okay well duh this everyone thinks like james gandolfini is extremely hot but he's like i can't watch sopranos without being deeply turned on. I think I'm watching Seinfeld and George Costanza is really turning me on. Oh yeah. He's hot. It's crazy actually. Okay. What about Jack Black? He's hot.

Yeah. Okay. What about Winston Duke? Wait, who's Winston Duke? He was in Black Panther. He plays one of the snow people. They came from the snow park. Oh my God.

He's like muscly. Yeah, he's hot. Oh my God. Okay. David Harbour. Yeah. Yeah. Brian Tyree Henry.

Oh, he's so cute to me. Oh, he's so hot. I want him so bad oh so so cute nick offerman oh 100 duh okay i just i've put you just searched famous bears i did and i hit um 10 hot bear celebrities. Okay. Here's another list of bears that we're going to go through. Oh my God. The thing is, I feel like I'm just going to say yes to all of them. I just simply like bears.

You might say no, James Corden. Politically, I can't get behind it. Okay. George Garcia. Wait. He was on Lost. I never watched Lost. Me either. Okay, John Gabrus.

Yeah, 100%. He's a cutie. He's such a cutie. It's crazy. Those little speedos? Are you kidding me? Wait. This has so many people that I'm not sure who they are.

Okay, John Goodman? Yeah. Those young pictures of John Goodman are really hot. Oh, Jonah Hill? No, actually. He's weird. He weirds me out. Oh, no!

Can I say that? You can say that. I personally think he's really cute. Okay, Kevin Smith.ith wait which one's he kevin smith he he did clerks he's silent bob no he's jay no he's a no for me brendan gleason this is fun he's a yes he's a yes for me actually right brendan gleason is so fucking hot yeah okay john favreau oh hard yes okay paul walter hauser oh yeah he's such a cutie i love this um what's his name okay jeff garland honestly unfortunately it's gonna be a yes wow i'm obsessed with this okay i need to find more black bears which sounds insane

but i want to find more african-american bears that sounds even crazier let's see bears Bear celebrity. This is... What? I'm refusing to Google. I'm refusing to Google. I mean, it is pretty... Jason Momoa is not a bear. No. He's muscly.

He's like muscly as hell. Yeah. Wait, that's so wild. People... Well, anyway. I gotta say, my gripe... This is a complaining podcast, right? My gripe is I feel straight people love to like use gay terms really really loosely like they love to be like oh that's

a bear oh that's a twink and it's like there's nuance to these things it's not just like he is a guy it's not like one or the other. It's like there's words have meaning. A bear has a body type like a bear. Yeah. Chubby in the middle. Little legs, little arms. A bear.

Then you got your otters. They're skinny bears. You got your twinks. Your little hairless youths. You got your muscle queens. You're a little hairless youths. You got your muscle queens. Muscly. Twunks. Wait, what's a twunk?

Twunk is like a twink that's starting to get muscly. Very funny. A twunk. Wait, what other words are there? Tell me. Well, you know, there's like a wolf, which is like sort of a gray haired, like muscly bear. Okay. Polar bear is like just a gray big bear uh-huh i mean that's all i can think of off the top of my head that's all i can really think of yeah but wolf is a new one a wolf i didn't know wolf is a type of bears that's fun

that's like a santa claus well and they could just call it Santa Claus. You know what I mean? Yeah. Just, hey, Santa. Yeah. Why make it difficult? Just call it Santa. Give me some coal, daddy. I've been bad. Okay, Sam, what advice do you have for me to like capture a man or a person? Listen, all the doors are open. All are welcome. I mean, I already told you to leave LA. Oh, all the doors are open. All are welcome.

I mean, I already told you to leave LA. Oh, I guess I'll be in Denver soon. So I guess maybe I'll find someone in Denver. Denver could be fun. I hope you like being outdoorsy. No. Here's the thing about Denver. The first time I went there, I was like, I want to walk in traffic and die.

And then I Googled it and I said, do people want to walk in traffic and die here? I had altitude sickness. It makes you kind of sad and it also makes you like dizzy and you have to like sit down and then drink a bunch of water. Oh, wow. So now that I know this, I'm going to bring lots of water or buy water and sit down a lot. Well, I think maybe you need to get in your like rom-com era. I think losing the car is a great step.

I think getting dizzy in Denver is an amazing step. I think anything where you're like a damsel in distress will like, you know, just chemically sort of attract sort of your trad, your traditional gender role men, at least. And heck, maybe even some butcher women. Okay. All right. I love this.

I'm a damsel in distress. Although classically fat women are never in distress. We're always in control and we never need help with our luggage. So I'm going to try. I'm going to really try. Okay, Sam, we've come to the end i ask almost all of my guests this but sometimes i forget because i'm a dizzy fucking bitch but would you date me nicole i wish i could but i can't i live in new york and i'm so committed to my lover right now like like i wish i could so I can't I live in New York and I'm so committed to my lover right

now like like I wish I could so much and like I was gonna leave him on this podcast like I was really close and like he just like banged in the door and he like yelled at me and he said if you fall in love with her like it's over and I was like but we're open and he was like not anymore bitch he actually just closed the relationship And it's like such bad timing. And like, I'm really sorry. Oh my God. This is devastating. Well, it was truly a treat to have you.

Thanks for having me. What a delight. Even though you won't date me, you're a real dream. So is there anything you want to promote? Listen to my podcast, Tradio Lab. It comes out every single Tuesday. And we unpack elements of straight culture. And we're doing a live show on June 15th at the Bell House in Brooklyn.

Bell House is fun. Wait, what's the wildest straight thing that you've deconstructed? I liked when we did like trust issues. I found that to be a really insightful one. Talking about jackasses was a fun one. Literally all of them are pretty juicy, I would say. Straight people are interesting. There's a lot there.

If you like this episode of Why Won't You Date Me, you can like it, you can rate it, you can subscribe on like itunes or apple podcast wherever the fuck they're at and if you write me something nasty juicy hitting on me that doesn't have to be long you can write it to why won't you damey podcast at gmail.com do not send pictures of your dick because mars looks at it and she don't want to see that she also doesn't want to see your holes or your pussy um i'm horny i might want to see it but don't send it there because she's looking at it not me i'm horny this says hi n see it but don't send it there because she's looking at it not me i'm horny this says hi nicole i listened to your episode with dan black i'm angry that you can't fish me with that episode so i want to punish you first i'll take you to a hiking trail and force you to hike a very tall mountain that's very mean afterwards you'll be hungry from the exercise so

i'll take you home tie you down and force feed you all kinds of soup this is so mean while you're in front of the tv oh and all the star wars movies play back to back this is the meanest thing someone's ever written speaking of soup while I'm at it I'll stuff your pussy with clam chowder why for dessert I'll force feed you the worst tasting cake from nailed it you think your punishment will be over but no you're gonna want to pole dance after but little did you know I came all over the pole and it dried up so your hands will have to wrap around the crusty texture you'll be lying on the floor while y'all nailed it and throw a piece of lane brian apparel at your face and walk out the door rude very rude and also very specific to me sam that's it Bye bye Bye That's it for Why Won't You Date Me With me, Nicole Byer

Why Won't You Date Me is produced and engineered by Oh, the sweetest woman I know Marissa Melnick It is executive produced by other wonderful people Adam Sachs, Joanna Solo-Taroff And Jeff Ross Thanks for listening I love you, Thank you so much.

We'll be seeing you next Friday with a brand new episode. What a dream. What a dream. Ha ha ha. This has been a Team Coco production.