Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Living with Nicole Byer (w/ John Milhiser)

Episode Date: December 6, 2019

Nicole's roommate John Milhiser (SNL, CollegeHumor) discuss how Nicole serves as a third in his relationship, if they've ever heard each other have sex, and their dog's drug problem. Plus, he shares what's life like living with Nicole Byer.Also, Nicole describes her experience crashing a motorcycle.Check out John's baguette Instagram page at @baguettemenots and watch his new movie Greener Grass.You can play along and see Nicole's dating app profiles and photos on her Facebook at: https://www.facebook.com/pg/NicoleByerComedyBe sure to rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Leave a dirty comment for a chance to have it read on-air.Follow Nicole Byer:Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdatesTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerFacebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedyBuy Merch: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/nicole-byer?ref_id=964

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Ooh baby, welcome to another episode of Oh I Want You Baby, a podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single even though if you asked me to eat nothing but frosted flakes for the duration of our relationship and the frosting is your cum, I would do it. relationship, and the frosting is your cum, I would do it.

My guest today has already taken off his boots. He is right at home. He doesn't do that at home, our home that we share sometimes. Also, while I was doing that intro, he was staring at me because he knew something dirty was coming and he didn't know. I was like, Frosted Flakes ain't that bad. Oh, come. There you go. That's the ticket.

Oh, that voice you heard is my roommate who I've lived with for seven years. John Millizer! What's up, what's up, what's up? No, John. Come on, what's up? No, John. Let's get into it, you know? No, John. What up, what up, what up? What up, what up, what up up? No, John. Come on, what's up? No, John. Let's get into it, you know? No, John.

What up, what up, what up? What up, what up, what up? This is how I sound. John, stop doing a black scent. I'm not doing... I'm kidding. You were doing a straight man scent. Yeah.

I hate it. Okay, John. How are you? I'm doing good. Let's see, today? Yeah, today. Sure. No, how were you doing yesterday? Yesterday was a lot of, sorry, I'm into ice cream right now, but yesterday was a lot of ice cream.

I had to crunch the minutes in the day to be like, okay, I have to freeze the bowl for this amount of time. I have to make this. I have to prep this. Get the custard ready. Yes. And pull it off. When I asked you to go buy an ice cream maker for my birthday so I could have ice cream, I had no idea. Have you told that story?

No. Okay. So John, for my birthday, makes me a cake or dinner or something nice because John is great in the kitchen. He loves cooking. We have a nice kitchen that I barely use. But this year, John said, what do you want for your birthday dinner? And I said, nachos and lasagna and ice cream. Like a real deranged child who was like, all of the carbs and all of the sugar.

And I said, I want it specifically homemade ice cream. And John was like, well, we need an ice cream maker. And I said, okay, buy an ice cream maker. I'll Venmo you for it. And I want homemade ice cream. So then I was like, Jackson, I got to go get an ice cream maker. So I booked it. Jackson is John's boyfriend.

Right. So I book it to Target, the place where the ice cream maker so I book it Jackson is John's boyfriend right so I book it to Target the place where the ice cream maker should be it's not there there's only a model of one

and I was like where's your ice cream maker he's like oh we're all sold out and so then I went to JCPenney's they didn't have one went to Macy's they're all sold out

went to a different Target different Macy's it's like why do stores exist? You're not going to have anything. So Jackson called up Bed Bath & Beyond, reserved one, and I went and picked it up there. But it was the most expensive, but it is the best one. It's queasy. It's a great ice cream maker.

You make fantastic ice creams. The one I like the best is peanut butter. With peanut butter cups. With peanut butter cups inside. And I like to put chocolate syrup on it. And the first time I did it, you said you are messing with the integrity of the ice cream.

Try it first. It's like my dad always put salt and pepper on everything that gets painted in front of him. I tried it. And then I added a flare to it. And then you were screaming at me yesterday because I was eating the birthday cake. Well, I was making it in the morning.

She creeps downstairs. Hell yeah, creeping. She goes, what's this? I'm like, it's very, very soft, liquidy birthday cake. It's not ready yet. And then you start dipping in. But I love it. I've already told you my favorite.

It's super soft, like soup almost. I love soup ice cream, but I hate soup. It's truly a cross I have to bear. But yeah, you're really into ice cream. You went to a dinner party last night that I was not invited to, and you brought ice cream. Was it a hit? Did everyone love it?

Big hit. Everybody was a hit. Andrew made appetizers and wine. Amos made beautiful bread, olive bread. And then Don and Lauren made a great pasta. And then I brought the ice cream. I brought mint chocolate chip, chocolate, coffee, and cake batter ice cream. Yes.

Did you bring any home? Was it all eaten up? Oh, yeah. I brought a lot home. I was like, Andrew, you don't want this. I got to feed my fat roommate who creeps downstairs looking for sweets in the morning. I have a question. When I say I'm going to do things, do you think I'm going to do them?

Well, you've had a good record of doing things. Like, you mean like hobbies? Like, I'm going to start roller skating. Because I did go through a phase where I was like saying I was going to start doing things and then buying things to do them and then not doing them. Like, remember I went and bought a bike pump when we had a bike pump, and then I never bought the bike? Sure. But I started riding a motorcycle yesterday.

And how'd that go? I crashed into a fence and I burnt my finger. Oh, you burnt your finger. Yeah, it's just a little burn. You were truly unfazed when I said I crashed into a fence. Because you delivered it so unfazed. You're like, oh, it was a great first day I crashed into a fence. Because you delivered it so unfazed. You're like, oh, it was a great first day, crashed into a fence. But I stood there and I was like, let me hear this whole story.

Are you okay? I am. I'm fine. I'm super sore today. But it might be because of the pole class I took right after. My pole teacher was like, what? You had a motorcycle accident and you're here? And I was like, yeah, it's dedication.

Need to learn how to invert. Thank you. So you're not single. Right. You are in a relationship. You've been in one for two years? Two, two and one third. Two and a half.

We'll say two. John, nobody has described a year in thirds. Two and a third years? Not there's quarters in a year. I guess it's a quarter. It's a little bit more than a quarter. Okay. Two and a half years.

Just round up. Sure. What is the thing you like best about being in a relationship? That somebody loves you. When did you say I love you? I feel like it was rather early. No, I think it was three months. You don't think that's early?

I don't think that's that. Do you think that's early? Marissa, do you think that's early? I think it's on the scale of a little early. Marissa says it's on the scale of a little early. I agree. But we were heavy. We went to San Francisco a week into us dating.

Really? Like a road trip. Basically. Maybe two weeks in. Dang. Yeah, I guess you guys did start off pretty hot and heavy and then haven't cooled off since. Well, I guess you are cooling off with all that ice cream. Woohoo!

Well, I guess you are cooling off with all that ice cream. Woo-hoo! What was the thing that Jackson did that made you say, this is the person I want to be with? I've told him this, and it doesn't click. Maybe it doesn't click for anybody else, but on our first date, we went to, because he worked through the night. He'd probably get off at midnight or something,

so he was like, you want to catch our early lunch, late breakfast? I was like, sure. So we did that date. And then I was like, yeah, if you want to meet up after work, we can go to Bird's. We live by Bird's in Franklin Village. He's like, sure. So we met up the same day for a second date. And it's just the way he cocked his head.

Like when I was telling him the story, he was like fully listening. And like he was very involved into listening. And it just made me be like, this guy really listens and cares what I have to say. I don't know. But it was the first date. And I was like, this is a special person. That's fucking adorable. I get it.

And then he. Yeah. He is a listener. I get it he is a listener it's nice that he does care and listens and responds to you based on what you've said because some people don't listen

and it is nice that you found someone who listens and is fully invested in everything you have to say you both are it's a nice relationship to be on the outside of it's a nice relationship you're in the relationship no I'm not you don't take me anywhere

I'm not in the relationship I'm just I mean you live with me and if he's over and I'm home of course I'm gonna be around screaming

because that's all what I do what do you and I'm home of course I'm gonna be around screaming because that's what I do what do you mean I'm in the relationship unpack that you're there you're a part of it in a good way or a bad way okay I got three pumpkins set up on the front by the front door John set up three pumpkins two white ones and one orange one, and went, look, this one's you. You're the orange one. Get it? Because Jackson and I are white. It made me laugh very hard.

But it was nice to be included in your pumpkin family. You were single for a while before meeting Jackson. Sure. while before meeting Jackson. Sure. Uh, it's, I was late bloomer, like a late coming out, but, uh, you know, did the dating thing, but kind of did the dating thing and kind of gave up on it a little bit. I was just like, I'm probably not going to meet anybody. And I'm just like getting older. And I was just like, yeah, I'll still do it. But kind of like, I guess it's different for gay men. I don't know. It's just.

You were casually dipping in and out of the apps. Right. I talked to Jax and I met, we matched on Tinder and Bumble. Oh, that I didn't know. Yeah. And then he would ask me a question on Bumble, and then I would respond on Tinder. You fucking nightmare. So he was like, oh, this person's crazy.

This person's funny. And luckily his sister was like, no, no, Jackson, he's being funny. I was like, she saved the relationship. But we talked for like, I think, two weeks, and then we went on a date. I kind of do that. Like, I don't want to waste a night or waste time or meet a stranger. So it's like, can they do bits? Can they?

That makes sense. That's so funny. He would ask you a question on Bumble and you would respond on Tinder. You're like, just so you know, you're signing up for a real nightmare. No, that's such a treat. That's so funny. When I met you, you were straight. Sure.

But when you met me, were you like, mm-hmm? Yes. Whatever you say. And I didn't, because it was like, so John and I met in New York on a sketch comedy team. You weren't there the first meetup. I remember that. No, because I was in Chicago. We got put together over Thanksgiving break.

So I was in Chicago with my family and I was so excited. And then everyone was like in town for a meetup. And I was like, cool, I guess I won't be there. And then when I met you, you're like, hi, I'm John. I was like, hey, John. And then I can't remember what I said. I think I implied something gay. And you went went i'm straight

and i was like i said that sure did and i was shook floored gobstocked scob stopped scob gobsmacked uh i fell down i rolled around open my legs so you want to you said no i was like no i just it was so interesting to me because you would like stomp around in a way that i've never seen a human being stop uh and then later you i think at the triple crown were like see no i'm gay and i was like no are you yeah i think it was like one of those things where I was like he told me what he is and I won't tell him what I think he is because that's rude yeah that mentality back then in those years was kind of like I know I'm gay and I guess I have to deal with it at some point but it was just

different during that time but I was like uh no when I'm comfortable I'll tell people I'm gay and so I understand why some people just were like, not yet. I don't feel. Yeah. Yeah. So you got to respect how they identify themselves, even though. Yes. Yeah.

Might not be true. I think Marcy takes credit as being the first person to know or find out. The way I told Marcy was like, I texted her. I was like, you know, Bill, in our level two class, I'm like him. I was like, you know Bill in our level two class? I'm like him. John, that's really funny. You know Bill?

Yeah, I know Bill. I'm like Bill. All right, John. Yeah. That's so funny. You've dated women, yes? I had a longish girlfriend in a high school uh she's sweet we still keep in touch we dated for i guess on and off for like two years i would uh before i would talk to her on the phone like i was like i have to have a girlfriend okay this is my girlfriend okay i have

to call my girlfriend every night that's what people do i love you girlfriend i love you girlfriend girlfriend that's why i love so i wrote a list of things to talk about. And then I'd be like, so I played soccer today. This one's not going anywhere. Oh, math homework was hard, you know. And then I'd be like, love you. And I'd be like, so thankful that's over. That's very funny. And also really sweet. Did you find it easier to date when you lived in New York or when you lived in L.A.? I guess L.A. Really? Just because you're so distracted in New York with like running around and you're never at home.

And I was, you know, doing the improv lifestyle of like working during the day and doing improv and sketch comedy at night and then coming home at 1am and then getting up I don't know this is it's just more space more breathing room

I don't know I thought it was easier in New York but I guess what was easier in New York now that I'm thinking about it

like for real thinking about it I guess it was easier to hook up cause I never dated anybody in New York I think I've only really dated people

out here but also it was a dated anybody in New York. I think I've only really dated people out here. But also, it was a real mess in New York. I was drunk all the time. One of my favorite things was to go drunk shopping with Alice and Rich. You never came on one of those. Oh, man, she would like, I would push the car, but she was the one steering the car,

and I'd be like, I need this. You know, it takes a village to make sure Nicole doesn't die on the way home. What is one of the worst dates you've been on? It was in LA and I started dating this guy. When I first moved here, I was like, oh, just focus on your career and not anything else. So I was kind of like not caring about if he asked me for a date. I was like, okay, sure. So then he asked me for like a fourth date and we traveled somewhere far. Oh, is this where you went to Norm's?

No, that's another bad date. But like we went to a restaurant and I ordered food and I ordered a beer. He's like, I'm just going to have a water. I'm like, okay. And then he's like, I don't think we should see each other anymore. I was like, dude, just text me. Oh, I remember that. That is so wild to make someone travel and then to turn at them and say,

all right, you ordered all this food, but I don't want to date you anymore. Yeah, don't bring me up. You could have texted me. We weren't that serious. Did you sit there and eat your food with him? Yeah. I was like, you can go. He's like, all right.

I was like, and that place was Spitz. Oh, was it? Yeah. I was like, you can go. He's like, all right. I was like, and that place was Spitz. Oh, was it? Yeah. On Hillhurst? Mm-hmm. Dang. What happened with the guy at Norm's?

I don't remember the specifics. When I moved back from New York, he's like, hey, let's go on a, I guess a date. I don't know. He's like,

go to dinner. And I was like, ooh. And he's like, meet me at Norm's. I was like, I don't know what this place is. Norm's. So I get all dressed up and it's a diner. I'm like, I don't know what this place is. I could Google, but I shan't. Norm's. The lore, the mystery of Norm's. It's a diner. That's funny. Yeah, it wasn't that bad, but it's just disappointing. I haven't gone on a really bad date, but... Yeah, I guess the one where I thought it was a date, but it was just breaking up with me.

So rude. We weren't even breaking up. You weren't even together to break up. Yeah. Do you think you're going to get married? Not just in general. It's just a general question. I like weddings.

I don't know. Probably, maybe. I guess so. I like peacocks, but I'm not going to get a peacock. You got peacock feathers in your house? I don't tell people it's in my house. Yes, I have peacocks from the previous owners. Also, a whip from the previous owners that I keep because I can't throw away a whip. I used nutmeg today that expired from in 2017.

Why would you? It called for it in the pumpkin ice cream I was making. We have pumpkin ice cream at home? Sure do. Oh. Holy shit.

Huh. Is it a pumpkin spice latte ice cream? No. Just pumpkin ice cream? Yeah. With expired nutmeg? There was no ginger.

So I could otherwise I think that would have been some spice. You don't read the ingredients before you start? I made this one up. What? Is there actual pumpkin in it?

I saw a can of pumpkin meat at Trader Joe's. Whatever that pumpkin. Pumpkin meat? Yeah. Nobody calls it pumpkin meat. Don't look at Marissa. Nobody calls it pumpkin meat. Pumpkin puree, whatever's in the can.

Not meat? You saw the pumpkin meat? And I was like, well, I know how to make ice cream. So I just heated up milk, put's in the can. Not meat? You saw the pumpkin meat? And I was like, well, I know how to make ice cream. So I just heated up milk, put the pumpkin meat in, blended it, put brown sugar in. Then stirred five egg yolks into it and then made it into a thick custard, cooled it, chilled it in the freezer

and then put it in the ice cream bucket and churned ice cream. Did you taste it? Yeah, I tasted it. Was it good? Yeah. Oh. Talked a lot about ice cream.

I'm sorry about that. No, it's just what you're into right now. Like, I'm into pole dancing, so I've been talking about pole dancing a lot. And I've truly hit a wall with it. I was talking about it with Mary. I was like, Mary, I hit a wall and I've truly hit a wall with it I was talking about it with Mary I was like Mary I hit a wall and I'm really frustrated and she was like oh no but that's your release where you feel happy and I was like I know Mary trust me you're like and then I started up uh trying to do motorcycles and I hit a wall literally yeah I literally hit a wall on the motorcycle i am really proud of myself that i know how to crash

i knew i was gonna go to my right side because i was like i think if i hit it i'm gonna try to go to my right uh but i also knew to go limp because if you step if you tense up in an accident you're you're most likely to hurt something so i I lifted my right leg because I was like, that's where I'm going to land and I don't want the motorcycle to land on my leg and I don't want to get pinned on it. I don't think I could get pinned under it.

A motorcycle's not that heavy. But it is kind of heavy. So I lifted my leg and then I was like, okay, here's the fence. And then I hit the fence and then fell on the side I thought I was going to

but truly my arms were in the air. And I heard Meatball go, no, Nicole! Was it on video? No. I wish it was though. Because I was trying to turn and realized I was going a little too fast for the turn because what I had been doing was stopping

and then releasing the clutch, giving it a little bit of gas and then like tiptoeing into the turn and then taking off again. But I had made one turn where I didn't have to do that, and I was like, I got turns now, baby. Got a little too cocky, flew a little too close to the sun, and then realized I was going a little too fast. Because the brake and the gas are literally on the same handle.

And that's for all motorcycles. You go forward and backward. Yes. So instead of braking, I floored it and then was like it was not terrifying i truly was like this is this is happening i accept it uh and i was like also i aimed for i think a good place to hit the fence but i'm happy it happened on my first day because it's out of the way. I've had my first crash. There's going to be more.

It's inevitable. But I'm fine. What? As long as you just do it in a contained parking lot area. You're not going to go on a highway, are you? Yes. I'm going to get my motorcycle license. I'm signing up for classes next month.

Or I have to do it for classes next month. Okay. Or I have to do it today for next month because they sell out. But yeah, I'm going to get my license and I'm really excited about it. Why don't you get one of those motorcycles like from Indiana Jones where it has like a little... Sidecar? Sidecar. Because then I'm responsible for another human being. Just put Charlie in there.

Why Charlie and not Clyde, my dog? Because Clyde's the better one? No. That took you too long to say. Okay. I love both of my dogs, but Charlie is the most melancholy dog I've ever met in my life. He is so sad and he lives a great life. Yeah. He's just, he's going through teenage years. I mean, he truly is a pensive teen. He really is. He loves sitting in the dark. He likes the crow.

We just got Clyde out of his drug phase. He hasn't eaten weed in a while. And it's not like I'm leaving weed around for him to find. He can open containers and snaps on backpacks. One time he got, I think he ate it off the street, like a nugget. The first time he ate it, he ate it off the street because we did not have it. We had no weed in the house. Second time is very funny.

I came home and you're like, Clyde's high. And then truly, Uncute slid into the foyer and started wobbling. His legs were wobbling. He's like, I'm okay. I'm fine. I'm fine. Let's go for a walk. I don't know what trees are.

Then you had to hold him for like three hours. Yes. It's exhausting. And then every sound he was like, what is it? Yeah. Imagine Charlie being high. That would be terrible. He'd be even more scared of everything.

He'd be peeing everywhere. He loves to pee everywhere. That's his favorite pastime. He's like, who needs a walk? I'll puddle right here. He doesn't pee all the time in the house, only if he gets scared. Yeah. Shook.

And by getting scared, that means someone walked too close to him. Right. Well, people gotta stop walking so close. They gotta walk just truly, keep two feet around him at all times. Okay, so your favorite part about being in a relationship is having someone who loves you. And you loving them. I just, it's the other way around. What's your least favorite part about being in a relationship?

I guess, I think I told you this the other day. Just like, what do I look like in the middle of the night sleeping? And also, like like which is so funny because I went so you sleep ugly you I don't sleep ugly but I'm not a pretty sleeper I was like so you sleep ugly uh it's when he doesn't stay over it's just uh I'm like I got the whole bed it's very nice I don't have to worry about anybody. I guess when I sleep, when he's there, I kind of like pose. I put my arm under the pillow. You pose?

Yeah. So if he wakes up in the middle of the night, he's like, wow, he's handsome. We got to take a break. And we're back. John, why do you think I'm single? You're the one who's around me the most. Why do I think you're single? I think you're so busy.

I know that's an easy answer, but you travel a lot, and then you have a lot of hobbies. You keep yourself entertained. You are not a normal person. You're a performer. You're a lot of energy if you worked a 9 to 5 job

and then you know it's just harder I guess if you worked a 9 to 5 job you'd be able to date more and stuff but you're in a unique position you just gotta go on the right apps I just have to go on the right apps go on the right apps

and then you should be good no i don't know what an awful awful thing to i want you know i'm on all the apps yeah you know i was waitlisted for raya while you just breezed on in the door they welcomed you with open arms they said john millhiser we've never wanted anything but a john millhiser they said nicole bar yuck we don't want this get out of here um what do you think what do you think i can do to bring love into my life i mean you had uh we've had a couple dinner parties and that was nice i think if you just i don't know but if you you truly your whole face changed with that i don't know uh seem like you were in peril. These are not life or death questions, John.

I want to give you a good answer, but how does anybody meet anybody? I don't know. I was, I didn't date for a very long time, and then it happens. There's no rhyme or reason to it. Have friends bring single friends over. Dinner parties. Have a mixer at my own home

mixers yeah do a cooking class at somewhere where not a cooking class not everything has to be about food and cooking

but like take a class and you're like can you help me with this sir and he's like sure what's your name

so you want me to be a a character in a movie yeah can you meet people when you're doing motorcycle lessons? Yeah, because the class will be a class of people. That's cool. So maybe I'll

meet Mr. Wright who's riding a motorcycle and we'll ride motorcycles into the sunset together. Have you ever heard me having sex? No. Really? Have you tried for me to hear you? No, that would be the most insane thing. Sure. To go into sex being like, I'm going to wake up John.

I just, yeah, I don't think I've ever heard you having sex. Yeah. We're very respectful. Of course. What a nice treat. Yeah, I don't think I've ever heard you. And I've pressed many a ear to the door. No, I'm kidding.

I've never. Oh, oh, oh. Oh, no. Is that supposed to happen? You are not, you don't like talking about sex. Yeah, I think that's fine. I didn't say it wasn't fine. I think it is fine, too.

Some people are really comfortable with it. I'm just kind of like, yeah, I mean, I get horny like everybody else. I put my pants on one leg at a time. I get horny just like everybody else uh i just think it's so funny that you yeah i like to talk about sex and you truly will just respond to me nicole nicole nicole nicole or you will begrudgingly tell me what i want to know. And you'll be like, are you happy? And I'm like, well, no, because you didn't like telling me. Yeah, you like to pry a lot.

I love prying. I love bothering you. My favorite thing to do is wearing my pole dancing shoes, my stripper shoes, and dancing in your room. Oh, yeah, I'm writing in my room. You open the door, come in with no pants on and pole dancing shoes. Hell, yeah.

No pants. But I'm wearing bottoms. It's only one time I was not wearing bottoms. Yeah. That was just one time. Have you told that story? No. Oh, it was after doing drug history.

I was rough. It was not okay. And I don't know what I needed to tell you, but I was like, I need to tell him, but I'm going to get back in bed. So I just put on a sweatshirt and no underwear, and I walked into your room to ask you what I needed to ask you. And then I told you I wasn't wearing any underwear, and I did back out of your room, and you're the one who walked behind me to see what was up.

Because I don't think you believe me when I say things like that. And then I dared you to touch your door frame. Yeah, and at first I was like, I think it's because you want to see my pussy. Then I was like, well, you didn't see my pussy. And then I didn't, you could see my pussy. So that was pussy showing number two. But you won't show me any of your stuff.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, pretty much. What's your favorite thing about me? Oh, there's lots of things. Is there? You're very easy to live with. Am I?

Yeah. I mean, I'm used to you. I know how this sounds bad, but to handle you. For instance, if you come home after a long flight or traveling, like where you had to catch your flight at like 4 a.m. or something, drive two hours to the airport, blah, blah, blah, and you come home and you're kind of grumpy, I'm just like, okay, she's tired.

She just traveled a lot. So it's understandable. But like you're very funny and fun. And I was thinking the other day, I was like, I want to dress like Nicole. But because it's such a like, when you walk into a room and you're wearing like these bright colored outfits and like these outfits you put together, buying one thing from here, one thing from over there and then putting it together. And it's just like, wow, that's fun to see. The best I can do is buy a yellow shirt on Instagram and talk about it for about a month.

Oh, this? It's my new yellow button-down shirt. Well, you wore that turtleneck that one time. That was your choice. It was very cute. And I was walking past people, and at least three people were like, love your turtleneck. Love that turtleneck. Thank you.

I bought you that one shirt that you wear sometimes, that little 80s doodad. That's a good look, and you seem happy when you wear that. Yeah. Yeah, I like wearing things, bright colors. I mean, today I'm not wearing my bright colors, but like pops of color, like I'm wearing a leopard print hat and hot pink shoes. So even my

like casual down look has a little Zazaz in it. And girl, I just bought this glitter fucking cardigan that I cannot wait to wear. I put it on and in the mirror I was like. Is it glitter? Like it'll get glitter everywhere?

It's black and glitter. Is that what I have to look forward to is sweeping up glitter? Oh, you think you sweep? Oh. I'm the one who's been vacuuming. You bought a vacuum and you've been vacuuming for two days solid. I love that vacuum. You've seen this vacuum.

I love it. John, you want me to vacuum your room? No, I'm okay. You were also napping. I'm really sorry. I bought a Dyson. It's a cordless Dyson. And let me tell you,

it is nice. You tested it out on this carpet that's like holds charlie's dog yes before that we'd have a vacuum but before we vacuum the carpet i would have to scrape my sneakers the rubber on it to get the hair out of the carpet but this dyson just takes up that animal hair dyson is not sponsoring this podcast but but I really like this vacuum. And that's when I knew I was getting older, when I was so excited to see that Dyson box. And then I put it together instantly and was like, where am I going to store my new vacuum? I love this vacuum.

The Tupperware drawer made my day the other day. I'm like, oh, it's so organized. You organized the pantry and I almost came all over myself. I was so pleased with how it looked. You threw out old shit. It was beautiful. It still is beautiful. And I was like, how do you, I don't know how to organize.

Start out by throwing away stuff and then. I gotta throw away stuff from my trunk, but I'm like, what do I throw away? My big dildos? I can't. so i right now in my trunk i have dildos and so many pairs of stripper heels and i'm sure every time i open it someone's like what is her line of work also the dildos are covered in sand because i went to the beach and you know that's what happens. John, what kind of person do you think I'm going to end up with? I think a guy with a beard. Okay.

Almost like a lumberjack type of thing going on. Okay. He's going to have rough hands. Ah, yeah. Ribbed for my pleasure already. He's going to be nice. Okay. A gentleman and going to make a good amount be nice. Okay. Gentleman.

And he's going to make a good amount of money. Okay. And he's going to try to be funny. But he won't be that funny. But we'll laugh because, you know, you love him. So he'll be like, oh, that was really funny, Jerry. And he'll be like, thanks. Jerry? Travis.

Oh, Travis. Okay. Okay. I like that and then the four of us will live together in harmony you don't want to live

with me and my partner yes I'll live with you and your partner your partner want to live with me and Jackson is Jackson gonna move in I mean he has those drawers

and he that I gave him yeah I gave your boyfriend drawers jackson kept bringing a tote bag full of stuff over and i was like what is this stuff and he was oh you know it's my stuff in the morning and i was like well just leave stuff here and he was like i don't know if there's any drawers for me. John doesn't have any space for me. So then I was like, here are two drawers in this chest of drawers in the hallway. And he was like, thank you.

And then one morning he was going through it and then you opened the door. And he's like. Oh, well, that's because I was wearing my flame boxers, my baking bonnet cap that I wear to sleep. And then I think titties were flopping in a little sweatshirt. I looked wild. And I don't think he'd ever seen Bedtime Nicole. Oh my God, whoever dates me is gonna have to deal with Bedtime Nicole.

Bedtime Nicole's kind of scary. I don't think I've ever seen the black chef hat. It's because I try not to wear it in front of people because I wore it once in front of Sashir and I've never seen her laugh harder at me. Truly, like, there was no niceness to it. She was just pointing and laughing at me. I got it when I had my braids,

but then I was like, oh, I kind of like having a big bonnet. It was fun. So I wore my little chef's cap to bed. Also, I worry about how different I look when I take off all my makeup and my wig and stuff. He's going to have to like, like both of those people. You get used to that.

Like, I remember when I would start dating, when I started dating Jackson, I was just like, oh, kind of try to look the best all the time. And then, you know, that goes out the window and I wear a stupid like sun hat around the house and don't look my best all the time. Tell me something about your relationship that I don't already know. That you don't already. It's fine. I think my favorite thing about your relationship is you found somebody who likes to watch the things I like to watch. Yeah.

Like we both really love Guy Fieri which is like how did you find that? That's so I feel like a lot of my friends are dating iterations of me. Yeah. You guys have a lot of the same TV show interests like I don't know. Almost all

of them. We like we've and we all all three of us love House Hunters and we love House Hunters. Andromeda. We love Andromeda. Hey Andromeda. Andromeda. I don we've. And we all all three of us love House Hunters. And we love House Hunters. We love Andromeda. Hey Andromeda. Andromeda. I don't know if Andromeda listens. She does.

Oh wait she does. Yes because she did. She DM'd me and she was like imagine me. And I was like. Andromeda to the listeners. Is the narrator of House Hunters. And we discovered Andromeda because we have truly watched so much House Hunters. And our favorite thing is to talk at the screen to the couples and make fun of the couples, drag them to filth.

So there was a chunk of episodes, maybe a season where there was no narrator. And we were like, where is the fucking narrator? Also, who is the narrator? Then we found out it's this magical woman named Andromeda. I was like, I'll take care of it. Found out who it was. Started following her Instagram, messaged her. Andromeda, what's going on? We don't hear you. She messaged me back being like, I'll take care of it. Found out who it was. Started following her on Instagram. Messaged her, Andromeda, what's going on?

We don't hear you. She messaged me back being like, it's all right, relax. They decided to do a few episodes without me. But she's back in the game. She's back in the game. We're happy. She's liking my posts. We love Andromeda. Also, fun fact, I play a character named Andromeda on this Disney show called Big City Greens.

Isn't that funny? That's crazy. Yeah. She's a little purple girl who's real ornery and I love her. She makes me laugh so hard, which is like insane to say because I voice her. But she... I love your jokes. John, I'm obsessed with myself.

I think if you're not your own biggest fan like you need to change that what do I do the most? oh you laugh at yourself constantly I put my videos on all the time oh you haven't seen any of my videos? I'll put them on right now be right back let me get some cute up

I'll throw them up on the TV yeah I fully I think I'm very funny I enjoy the jokes that I make but I think the reason why I like Andromeda so much is she's just this little purple person. Not the house hunter lady. Not the house, no, the character I play.

She's a little purple girl who is suspicious and thinks there's a ton of conspiracy theories. And I think it's very funny that she's a child who thinks that stuff. And then her movements are really funny. The's a child who thinks that stuff and then her movements are really funny. The animators did a really great job animating her

because I do the voice before they animate her and then they animate her to my voice, kind of, and like the action of the scenes. It's just,

it's really, animation is crazy. It's so much fun to watch. John, would you date me? No. No. Fuck no. John, would you date me? No. Aren't I already dating you?

No, you won't kiss me when I ask for kisses. I've kissed you before. Not like a passionate kiss. That's one thing about the relationship I found myself doing. I was like, I wonder what I look like when I lean in for a kiss. Like for Jackson or something. So I did that to the mirror and I was like, oh, God. It's like, you don't stick. Well, do you stick your tongue out first?

I mean, there was a time where I think I used to and I didn't even realize I was doing it. Oh, wow. Because I did see a few times when we first started dating. He's's like what are you doing? Wow. So your eyes would be closed your mouth would be agape and your tongue would be out. And Jackson went what are you doing? That's funny. Yeah I would date you. I don't think you would. If I was straight I would totally date you. I don't think you would. Why? Why don't I think you would date me? I think you would why why don't I think you would date me I think you would instantly be exhausted with me because you are exhausted with me a lot when have I ever said I'm exhausted with you you never said those words but I get the feeling that sometimes I exhaust you

because sometimes you just stay in your room and you won't come down and play writing but you'll come into the room anyway yeah there was a time where i used to nap in your bed while you wrote but now i think it's weird because it's like you and your boyfriend maybe fuck and i don't really want to sleep in fuck sheets so it's hard to nap in your bed now which is probably a great thing that that boundary's been, you know, set up. Maybe you would date me. We do spend a lot of time together. I think, like, if you can hang out with somebody for so long, for so many years, I'm like, that's, it's a partnership, you know?

And I think that's the biggest hurdle is, like, do you like hanging out with this person all the time? Because they're going to be, you know, the one for the rest of your life i'm like yeah i guess so i would miss you so much if you moved out are you going to at some point what but you don't even have to think about that why it's just where are you going things progress where are you going who knows when that's what's so exciting. When are you leaving? John, this is so mean to reveal to me on my podcast that you're moving out.

There are no plans to move out in the near future. Our dogs are still alive. You're going to move out when they die? Oh, yeah. It's the end of the era. Dogs are dead. Dogs are dead. I've got to get the heck out of here.

Here's the ashes see you tomorrow here are the ashes we're gonna cremate them yeah all my previous dogs we have little ash my mom has them

by the fireplace Milhouse Dixie Gabby went running off so we don't have his Boudreaux Gabby was a man

mhm oh a dog a man dog yeah I guess that was a very weird Mm-hmm. Oh. A dog. A man dog? Yeah. I guess that was a very weird way to phrase that. Well, John, I'm going to really miss you when you move out.

We don't even have to think about that. I can't believe you're moving out tomorrow. Not moving out. Seems not nice. Seems pretty mean. You can go live in a ranch house. I like ranch houses. Have you told that?

No. John gets irrationally angry when I say... I loved my ranch house growing up. So John grew up in a ranch house, and I said, did you grow up in a ranch house because you were poor and your parents couldn't afford another story? And John gets mad. But it's not a real thing.

It's not how houses go. And I know that, and I think you know that. Just like, okay, so that would be like me going oh so you grew up in a split level so your parents could almost afford a second second story uh but it's the first time i said it you got so mad and then i just i'll say it every now and again and it makes me laugh so hard truly it makes me tee-hee-hee. Tee-hee-hee. Tee-hee-hee. Ooh, that got me. John, we've come to the end. Okay.

Is there anything you would like to promote? Well, you can all see Greener Grass on VOD. That's video on demand if you're not in the know. It's on Amazon, iTunes, Netflix. No, not Netflix. Sorry. It's on IFC, right? IFC, yes. But it's a new movie that came out,

written, directed, and performed, acted by Jocelyn DeBoer and Don Luby. And it's a great movie, great cast, really funny. So check that out. Also, you have an Instagram page called Bag At Me Nots. Bag At Me Nots, yes, where I take comedians and actors

and writers and writers and take a photo of them doing something in their everyday life, but replacing an item with a baguette. It's very fun. So Baguette Me Knots. And he's got an Instagram and a Twitter, at John Milhiser.

And sometimes I'm featured, dancing in heels. Okay, so if you like this episode of Oh, I Love Jamie, you can like it, you can subscribe, you can write a postcard. And if you send me something nasty, I will read it. Okay, so this says, I want to kiss you and bite your lip right before you're set to walk down the aisle on your wedding day. I want you to fucking remember that kiss on your deathbed. The cake, the flowers, that dress, is that what stopped you from hopping on my motorcycle

to blow what's newsfest of a California? This is wild. Hold on. I didn't read that one before. Just now. Okay, here's another one. I will eat Cheerios out of your ass, and I don't even like Cheerios.

Just heard it and thought of you. What do you mean they just heard it? They heard someone say that they wanted to eat Cheerios out of their butt, and I don't even like Cheerios. Just heard it and thought of you. What do you mean they just heard it? They heard someone say that they wanted to eat Cheerios out of their butt? Okay, here's one. As a gay, I won't fuck you, but I'd surely go to Italy, come in a peach, and let you eat it so we can write a sequel to Call Me By Your Name. Entitle it, Call Me By Your Name. That's funny. John, how would you hit on me in a dirty way uh

okay here's hey how your honkers doing hey how your honkers doing is awful okay here's another one nicole girl i want to get you wet and dive straight into that lake like a goosest gloop in the chocolate factory i want to get you wet and dive straight into that lake like a goose just gloop in the chocolate factory I want to have sex and guy fairy Hawaiian shirts and dine out on that pussy like I haven't eaten for a week that's pretty good and that's I think as much as I have right now oh this one's somebody wanting to put me upside down okay well that's it. Bye-bye! This has been a Team Cocoa production.