Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Living Your Hoe Phase (w/ Atsuko Okatsuka)

Episode Date: December 30, 2022

Comedian Atsuko Okatsuka returns! She chats with Nicole about dating her community college teacher for 7 years, exploring the world of swing parties, and discusses whether hoe phases are overrated. ��Write to Nicole! Submit your dirty pick-up lines, dating stories, or questions to [e-mail] for a chance to have it read on-air. Black Lives Matter.  Click here for an updated list of over 100 different things you can do to support racial justice.   Follow Nicole Byer: Twitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerMerch: podswag.com/datemeNicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Ooh, baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me, a podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single, even though you could come on the table, scrape it off, put it in a salt shaker, and tell me it's extra salty salt.

I would still say, ooh, I love you. My guest today is a very funny comedian, actress, and writer. Her debut stand-up special, The Intruder, is now streaming on HBO Max, and she's my very first returning guest on Why Won't You

Date Me? Wait, actually, I think Sashir Zameda is the first. Sorry, she's the first returning guest if you don't count the live shows. Okay, if you don't count the live shows, thank you, Mars. Don't cut that part out. I like hearing your voice. Okay, if you don't count the live shows, this is my very first returning guest. Ooh, and I'm so excited. It's Asko Akoska. Wait, I didn't say your last name right. I didn't do it. You did.

Asko, did I? Yeah, I was like, so stoked. Yeah, it was perfect. I mean, but if you want to say it for the second time for fun. No, I don't. If you said it, I said it right. Because I learned how to say your first name. It's not that hard.

You just don't say the U and it's pretty phonetic. But your last name, for whatever reason, I think it's maybe too many. I don't know. It scares me. No, it scares a lot of people. It's scared. Do you remember E.T. the ride at Universal Studios? I should know.

So there was a ride for E.T. Can they announce your name? At the end, E.T. says goodbye to everybody on the bikes. There's three bikes. So it was me, my mom, and grandma. My grandma's name is Inshi Lee. Inshi Lee, Atsuko Okatsuka, and my mom just goes by Linda. And at the end, E.T. waves goodbye to you.

And when I say our family broke E.T., okay? It's just goodbye. Goodbye, Linda. You know, it was like that. That's very, very funny. Well, that ride is no longer with us that I know of. It's not? Yeah, that's maybe why you never got to ride it, Nicole.

Okay, here's the thing. I don't really do amusement parks okay that's cool i like that they just don't seem okay so my whole thing about them is like okay so we all gather to be outside to stand in line for a ride that you may or may not like that may make you queasy and then you have to pay a hundred dollars for fucking water um and then you have to eat nasty food although i will say yeah i went to disney for my birthday okay and i had the best chicken fingers i've ever had in my whole life at the toy story fucking space cafe or whatever what, I've never eaten at that Space Cafe. Toy Story Space Cafe or whatever. It's good. Yeah.

Some people are like restaurant connoisseurs of Disneyland. They go to Disneyland just to eat, some people. You can eat while people go on the Pirates of the Caribbean and stuff. People make reservations to eat there. Wait, you can eat the Pirates of the Caribbean and stuff. People make reservations to eat there. Wait, you can eat at Pirates of the Caribbean? Yes. You can sit by the waters where you watch all the people on the boats and then you can, you know, have your first date or whatever or serve divorce papers. I feel like it's more of a divorce-y vibe because it's in the dark i okay here's the thing

if i were to get married and then get divorced i would love to be served papers in a very public way yeah because you know you're here to be seen yes kind of like how like how Olivia Wilde and Jason Sudeikis, how he served her papers while she was literally on stage at a work function. I live for it. I love it. Okay, how would you do it? Let's paint the picture. Okay. Nicole Byer, you were in love, but this man no longer for you. Not for me. He did something terrible, which was fall out of love with me. So I'm serving him papers wherever he's in public. If he goes to Starbucks every morning, serve him at Starbucks. If he loves to go to museums on Saturdays, I'm serving him at the museum on Saturday. Of course.

Yeah. Because then he has to agree, too. Because everyone is like, is that Nicole with papers? Is that Timothee Chalamet, her ex? I don't know. I don't know who you would be with. Imagine dating Timothee Chalamet. He's too thin.

I always think that, too, where it's like okay little peanut brittle like you know too small I don't okay you can't help who you fall in love with but like I dated this dude who was so he was so thin and I recently like stumbled across

him on Instagram and I was like this is the man I was crying about. It's like string bean motherfucker. Who's just like teeny fucking tiny. I could blow him over and he would, I would just blow and he'd fall over. Why am I,

why am I like crying about him? No, that's, that's a good point. Just like, Oh, somebody I could just, you know, and he's, and he's a good point. Just like, oh, somebody I could just, you know, and he's gone.

Yeah. Bye bye. Wait, have you ever pined away for somebody? Pined away meaning like cry over? Cry over, sob over, drive by their house late at night being like, why won't you love me? late at night being like, why won't you love me? Yes, my and I was with that person. Yeah, my my last ex boyfriend, it was like that it was very dramatic. I would drink and drive to go to the place I know he's at, which is not his house, like somebody else's house. And I would like, I remember, you know, seeing his getting out of my car, seeing his license plate, and then running over to it, falling to the ground and crying and reaching for it. I made sure my arm was outstretched in case he saw me, in case he came out. Isn't that so pathetic?

And he was also very small, too. Oh, a very small one. Was he tall and small or short and small? What's 5'10"? 5'10", to'10 to me. Okay, here's something toxic. 5'10 to me is small, but I'm only 5'5, so that is taller than me. Yeah, but you know, sometimes it's just like, you know what it was, the personality.

How long were you with that person? Too long, Seven years. Seven years. Seven years. It was very toxic. He was like 12 years older than me. We met when I was 19. That kind of thing. And then. Wait, 19. That means 12 years, 29, 31. Mm hmm. Yeah. 30. Ugh. What did you talk about? I know, right? Well, you know, I feel like I kind of, not an old, I hate

saying old soul, but, you know, I was raised by my grandma, someone 50 years older than me, so I could hang, you know what I mean? I wasn't like, ooh, skateboarding or whatever teenagers were't you know what i mean skateboarding oh lollipops it's like okay i guess that's a child lollipops i was just naming items

that i just seen on teenagers but yeah i wasn't just like oh hollister or whatever you know i was i would i would watch difficult movies to get through and stuff and be able to talk about it or whatever. And so, but I think I was mostly trying to catch up to him because he was a filmmaker. He was my teacher, you know. All of it was toxic. That's how we met. I was his student in community college. Oh, no.

Yeah. That's, and then you were together for seven college. Oh, no. Yeah. That's... And then you were together for seven years. Yeah, yeah. Yes. That is a long time to stay in a relationship. Okay, here's my thing. After you get out of a seven-year-long relationship,

like, was it hard to open your heart up again? I can't even... I can't imagine being with somebody for seven years. Like, that's so long. I know. It is. It is very long. But I think I was, like, already trying to move on while I was in the relationship.

So it was actually not that hard, unfortunately, for him. You know, like, I was able to get over it. And I was like, I can finally have my slut phase, you know. I went wild. I tore up so many cities. I was like, okay, I need to stop before I get pregnant. You know, it was like that. Everyone I met.

Wait, everyone you met, you were just fucking? Yeah, everyone. I was like, if they were down too, I was like, yes, I don't care. I don't think I've ever had like a real hoe phase it's hard for me to gather dicks it's very hard um i've for the last five years have been begging for dicks publicly on a podcast but also you have self-love you know i know you would do i maybe it's some standards too you're also like you're also not just like closing your eyes and throwing a rock, whoever it hits. You know what I mean?

You're not doing that. That's what I was doing. I mean, I try. And I gotta say, you can have no standards, and then the world will have standards, and the world will be like, no, ma'am, I do not want this. Oh, my God. Honestly, slut phases are so overrated it's like really toxic you're drunk all the time you can't remember where you were you know i will say i never got sick during that time which is wild uh like i remember hooking up with somebody in a dance club in the bathroom and we were rolling around on the dance floor in the bathroom floor.

Disgusting, right? Just making out, eating each other out. Right? Gross. I know. It was so gross. Wait. In the bathroom of a club, you're just eating each other out?

In New York. Yes. You know? Okay. That's what I'm saying. It's like not all that great, but I didn't get sick. And so I was like, I didn't get sick for like a whole year after that. And I was like, is that how the vaccines work?

You know, a little bit. That's what the vaccine is. They roll specimens around on the floor of a bathroom in a dance club, and then they inject you with it. That's the vaccine that the conservatives are afraid of. I can't help but wonder, it did make me stronger, all those germs at once. Mm-hmm.

You know? Honestly, I do think they maybe made you stronger. I don't know. I'm very much like, I love wearing a maybe made you stronger. I don't know. I'm very much like, I love wearing a mask because people are fucking nasty. But then that's how you build your immune system up. Nasty people who don't wash their hands. I was watching a clip of this podcast.

I can't remember. It's like two women from Boston. And they were like, yeah, I don't wash my hands every time I use the bathroom. That's like insane. And I was like, what? And the other one's like, yeah, I mean, if I dump one out, then I't wash my hands every time I use the bathroom. That's like insane. And I was like, what? And the other one's like, yeah, I mean, if I dump one out, then I'll wash my hands. And I was like, ew. Oh, my God.

Y'all are nasty. I gotta say, Nicole, I love the things you consume, like the things you watch. I mean, last time we were talking on your podcast, you mentioned a boy who had like 65 teeth in his mouth or something. And I was like, where do you read this stuff? It's just like on your alerts. Listen, my Internet is very fun and curated for me.

Here is the weirdest shit you could ever want. I don't know. It was on my explore page on Instagram. And I was like, why does Instagram think I want to listen to nasty white women talk about how they don't wipe or wash their hands? Well, because you mentioned it.

Yeah. And because you did watch it, that's going to be more of your. Yeah. Instagram's like, this is what you want to, this is what you want to watch. Let's go.

I have a question. Okay. How did your parents meet? Wait, how did you meet your husband? I feel like you said this on the last time you were on, but just refresh me of the audience. Of course, yeah. We met through a mutual friend who was making a short film at the time,

and I was helping to produce it, and Ryan, my husband, was acting in it and oh yes yes yes I remember and then you guys just like fell in love how long ago was that how long have you been together we've been together the same amount of years that me and my ex were seven years it's kind of my favorite number uh-oh ryan watch out um how did your parents meet my parents met on this dating game show ish thing in japan that my grandma my grandma signed my mom up for it they were living in taiwan my grandma saw it in the trades and was like you need a husband. You're 33. Oh, that's very funny.

You need a husband. You're 33. Oh, boy. Your grandmother would be like, you've been need a husband, Nicole. You're almost 40. She doesn't think that way anymore. Because I think the experience made my grandma realize traditional ways really messed up a lot of our family. You know what i mean and and yeah

and because she wanted to be traditional about shit like being like my daughter she's 33 and single a loser she did an unconventional thing what the fuck dating game show you know what i mean that's that's not traditional that's not normal it's not normal and it's not traditional but then your parents how long did they stay together barely like just they they stayed long enough to have me so like a year and yeah i think they got straight to like impregnate you know and then literally uh she was pregnant had me and then they got divorced soon after that and so yeah a weird way, it's like screw traditional values, because when you rush into things, when you obsess about like traditional marriage, hurry, get married, it's like, you can, you can screw it up. You can be like, oh, that doesn't work for reasons. You

know, there's different ways of doing love now. Or some people don't even need romance, a romantic partner, you know know but you do need friends yeah i got enough friends i do think i need a lot i don't think i need a romantic partner i just think i want one i think it would just be nice to come home to somebody and be like and and do the little kissies i would would love to do the little kissies. Hi, I had a bad day at work. Did you make dinner? I think I got married because I just wanted a best friend.

People think it's gross that we do everything together. I'm like, no, I think it's awesome. It's because we're kids. We're childlike. And so it's like we just didn't want the responsibility of having to do things alone. I just realized, I asked Ryan the other day how to turn on the washing machine.

And that's how he realized that he'd been doing the laundry all these years. And I swear, Nicole, I was shocked to intern. I was shocked to where I was like, whoa, it has been you like this whole time. It has been you this whole time. Wait, that's so funny that you didn't know how to turn on your washing machine. You know when you've watched someone else do stuff, you think you did it too? Like, you know what I mean? Yes. Sometimes I'll like go off about a recipe that I cooked one time, but I'm like, oh no, that was just like Top Chef. Like, I just watched that.

You know? Yeah, that's, wait, so you do everything with your husband we do yeah he tours with me i'm such a ditz i'm such a i'm so clums is it clumsy when you like trip easy and stuff that's yeah and so that's me i could be dead in a ditch if i don't have like someone being like, hey, look out, you know, keep your eyes open. So he tours with you. He like what else do you guys do together? Like you literally do every single thing together. You like wake up together, go get breakfast together, you get lunch together, you work out together. Kind of. Yeah. I mean, I do my dance workout videos on my own, but I did think about getting like a, this is how sick I am, how sick we are. I thought, okay, what if I get a tandem bike, you know, those bikes with two seats on it? So if I'm exercising, he's exercising, you know, if I'm biking, he's biking, we're going to the same, so everyone knows we're together. I'm sick in the head like that. That's not that sick. I'm sick in the head like that. That's not that sick.

I think some couples are good like that. Yeah, yeah, where we don't have us. And some couples need a little bit of space. I'm very curious about this, like, always together. Do you ever just, like, wrap your arms and legs around him and then say, I'm never letting you go? I guess I've never said those exact words. I love that. I think that's what you should, you know, it's a very Nicole.

It was so cute hearing it. And maybe I will say it tonight. I'll say it tonight. I'm never letting you go. That might scare a person. I never say things like that. I just always go, gosh, isn't it so cool we get to do everything together? I make it sound like that so it's not as scary sounding.

Wait, does Ryan has a job, right? He works with me now. Oh, I love this. You are the corporation. Yes. He is an employee of the corporation. Yes. He is an employee of the corporation. Yes. He, yeah, he, so he's sort of like my tour manager. He's pretty much my tour manager.

And he does all my socials, for example, all the pictures, videos, that's all him shooting it. He'll do like graphic design work because he's an artist too. So he's able to like, you know, do the creative stuff. Yeah. So more things we're doing together. I really do love this. And you never get sick of each other. jokes or something. But yeah, I think it's because we're fun first. We're not trying to figure out something difficult or we need to have this talk. It's always like, if we do have to have a talk about something that's more intense, we make sure to get through it. And then we always have something fun that we do afterwards or something to reward ourselves. Like, again, we're very childlike.

This sounds adorable. And I'm really jealous of your relationship. And I feel like I can openly say that. And it doesn't sound hateful. No. I want that. We'll get you that. How?

Where? Where? When? Fun first. You're so fun, Nicole. And so another fun person who will value that over anything in a relationship. It's not like I want someone who loves their career and is ambitious. Like, sure, all those things. But I think like the the thing that really

because you value fun yeah I loved he he he and having a nice time it would truly be a dream to meet someone who is just like responsible has a career but, is just like down to clown. You know what I mean? Yeah, totally, totally. And so that's out there. I mean, where do you usually meet people? This is the thing. I have no idea how to meet people in person anymore. I've been out to the bars, not recently, because she has COVID. But I went to a bar recently, and I was like, I don't know how to hit on people anymore. And then also I'm getting older and I don't know how old anybody is anymore. And I'm like, is this person very young? I can't fucking tell.

And then what do I say to this young man? Like, granny wants your penis. Like, what do I say? I don't know. I'm getting old um and then i'm on the fucking apps and they're all awful i think i've just really hit a wall and i can't figure out how to find anybody i'm on raya nobody wants me on r Oh, Raya is overrated though, isn't it? You know what? I wouldn't know because

nobody wants me on it. Hinge is really dried up. People are asking to pee on me on Tinder. Mm-hmm. It is awful and I hate it so much. I think my only hope

is to be hooked up with somebody that somebody knows. I don't know. Asuka, do you know anybody? Do you have anybody? It's so sad. Does Raya know anybody? It's so sad. All I know are comedians, you know, because it is hard to just generally meet new people as adults.

You know, it's all work-based. You're working all the time. You're always on set. You're always doing a podcast. You're always doing the time you're always on set you're always doing a podcast you're always doing shows you're always touring so it's gonna be like i guess you date your assistant you know or i guess i don't think she would like that very much i think she'd be like this was not in the job description i certainly don't want this and And so it is tough. But I do really, I loved your pickup line. Hey, it's granny.

Granny wants your penis. See, that made me laugh. That would make him laugh too, whoever it is. And then boom. Or like, yeah, he would be like, what? That was the weirdest thing anyone's ever said to me. And that is the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me. And then boom, you're making out, you're rolling on the ground in the nightclub.

I would love to make out with somebody. That sounds so delicious. And it's, yeah, well, once you wait out your quarantine period, you can get back to doing that. I'm going crazy. I'm just inside alone. I know. It's like, girl, it's okay. This is the period where you can like, ooh, it's so fun to like, what is it? Muster up horny energy too. It's like, okay, I can't leave the house for, I don't know, 10 days or whatever, right? And so like, I'm ready to explode with this horniness. And then you can finally leave.

You've tested negative. Boom, the door's open. But who am I fucking? Where am I relieving my horniness that's the biggest question there is nobody have you ever dated someone where you were friends with them first i've i can't imagine doing that but i know a lot of people do that a lot of people do do that and i have never done that i've hooked up with people become friends with them continue to hook up with them but like it's never blossomed into a friendship or like a relationship and yeah i've never been

like friendly with like just friends and then been like let's date yeah that seems wild because i feel like it's like you're you romantically get involved and then you become friends yeah that doesn't make sense to me that's not even like the connection you connected on initially right yeah so but even having a friend that you can have sex with sometimes that's really impressive that's so cool like that's really impressive to me because because what like so while you're hooking up you're still friends or do you do you try not to talk like friends while you're hooking up do you role play suddenly no so you like i've never been like like a texting like where we text all the time and like hang out all the time hook

up it's like oh we're like friends and we sometimes end up at the same place together and then we'll leave that place together and hook up but like we're not like oh let's hang out on friday and then end up hooking up do you know what i mean it's like we may end up at the same place we know each other we run in the same crowd and then sometimes we just go home together that's fun that's fun and then it is because well and then so after you hook up like you, you know, you go, okay, back to, you know, see you again, maybe at another function kind of is that how you say goodbye?

I don't know. I mean, I think you just you just say goodbye. You're just like, all right, see you around. That's so adult. Like you are so adult. I love that. Oh, my God. Thank you so much.

Nobody ever calls me an adult. That was kind. Wait, on that note, let's take a break oh people we're back hi no you're a very playful adult but like honestly i always think like being single and having to date around that's way more adult than being married getting married is the childlike thing to do and i really believe it i would love to be a child i just really i just want your relationship that's all i want i want somebody who loves me a bunch and wants to be with me all the time and do the things i want to do um and like love me or whatever people ever approach you to be their third all the time oh my god and it's like do do do people ask you to be their

third people ask us if they can be our third. Yes, they do ask that. Have you ever taken anybody up on it? Well, we've discussed it, you know, where we were like, what would that look like if we, you know, expanded our relationship? And, you know, there was a third. And he was like, well, what would you want in a third? You know, and I was like, well, maybe like when we wake up, they have coffee made for us. And I was like, well, maybe when we wake up, they have coffee made for us. And maybe they can help with the laundry.

And then Ryan goes, you're describing an assistant. And I was like, oh, well, then maybe I don't need to expand my mind and push my memory to the limit. Like, you know, dating a third person, you just have to like, there's more energy and brain space and heart space. I don't have that. Remember their diet. Remember their interests and thoughts. Mm-hmm. Yeah, I barely remember what I like.

A little in a second person and then a third person. Yes. So that's a lot. So, no, we haven't taken someone up. But we've, you know, we've dabbled in like, oh, let's see what this like weird swing party is like in San Diego. You know, we've gone to just look at what Republicans are up to. Because honestly, the swing party world, swing party world is like Republicans. Is it? Yeah.

Interesting. That I feel like, okay, so swinging is Republicans and orgies are Democrats. Yes, yes. Being poly, being poly is Democrats. Calling yourself a swinger, that's very straight, very traditional. It's just like, I only swing my wife around and then I sleep with other women.

And there's, that's it. I can't do anything else to get that penis away. Yes, yes. They don't want their penis to touch another one at all, you know, let alone be too close to one. Yeah, it's very conservative. It was very funny to watch. And they have these rules where it's very, like, gendered, you know, like the men have to come completely naked.

Shoes are allowed, you know, but the women have to be in sexy lingerie, you know, and so, right? Wait, that is hilarious that men have to be naked and shooed and then the women have to be in lingerie it's so dumb it's like why does that make that more man man you know what i mean it just looks silly all these naked dudes with sneakers on you know and i'm just like envisioning new balances like it like some real dad fucking shoes. It was because you also, you know, are kind of walking around a lot. So and mingle, you know, moving.

Maybe you'll be doing some physical stuff. So it was just so silly. That's fun. I really love that you've done that. I see. I would love a partner to just like explore weird shit with. I want a sex positive partner who's down to clown and just like tall. Above 5'10", as we discovered. Above 5'10".

Because 5'10 is small. 5'10 is small. I think 5'10 is small, even though I am only 5'5. But I don't read 5'5. When I sit down, I seem taller because my butt is so fucking big. So you want someone you can sit next to. Someone who I can sit next to and they're still taller than me. Which is, I think, a hard slice of pie to serve.

I don't know. He just made up a phrase. I love that colloquialism. I'm going to be throwing it around. And you best believe tonight when I role play with Ryan, I'm going to be starting with, Granny wants your penis. I'm going to try that on him. Wait, do you guys role play?

We did role play, you know, at the beginning of the pandemic a lot. But actually not sexually. We would, yeah, we would be like, oh, hey. You know, we would like pretend there were other people around. We would pretend that like in our backyard when we entered our backyard it was a bar and we would like we get it was it was actually sad we realized we just missed our friends um and then when we do do it in bed it's a lot of him it's up to him so it's kind of not fair where he has to he's like a one-man improv team and he he kind of he plays different people for me which is so sweet oh yeah that is very sweet and they all tag team me oh that's nice yeah that's very. Oh, here's a fireman. Oh, here's a paramedic.

Yes. Oh, here's a nurse. Oh, here's a garbage man. Yeah. No. That's so funny, Nicole. That is so funny because you're just naming, like, different occupations. And that's how Ryan was doing it, too.

And so I had to stop him to be like, hey, can just be a different voice. You don't have to. Because he kept reintroducing himself. He'd be like, hey, it's Carl, the truck driver. And then we'd be having sex. And then he'd be like, oh, I gotta go. Hey, it's Jean-Pierre, the driver or whatever and I'm like why do you name the occupation I don't give a fuck where you work I just want to know I'm gang bang gang bang by 10

people that's really sweet but that was your inkling too your inkling was to name all these occupations hey I'm a firefighter. Hi, I work at McDonald's. Would you like me to enter you? And I say, I don't give a fuck where you work. That's funny. That's sweet. Your whole relationship is making me horny for love. Who said I love you first?

I did because I'm a chaos factory. Like a month in. A month in you said I love you first? I did because I'm a chaos factory. Like a month in. A month in you said I love you? Yeah. And then did he say I love you back? He was very, very sweet about it because he wasn't ready to say it. But he didn't want me to feel hurt. So he said, I hear you and thank you so much.

And I like you so much. And I love hanging and thank you so much and I feel I like you so much and I love hanging out with you and I can feel in my heart that I'm also getting there too with you or something like that so very mature that is very sweet you know instead of being like lol lol my dude

yeah totally cause that's easy to do I would you know it's easy to like not want to address something that you want to meet the person halfway so god that's so nice I want to meet someone who's nice

like that where I'm like it's been a month and I love you be with me forever they don't just go oh my god you fucking weirdo but i don't know i don't think i've really loved anyone that i've dated well no i did love this one guy we dated on and off for like three years it was so fucking toxic but like i you couldn't tell me that i wasn't in love with him but i think i was in love with what like could have been i was like this could be a nice normal relationship if you like went to therapy and like acted like a whole different person and were like kinder and not crazy

there's just a lot that you would have to keep afloat and like get jump over there were so many hurdles it sounds like but three years is a long time so you do want it to work and have it be the thing yeah i mean it was more off than on but when it was on it was nice that's cool you just recorded your hbo hour i did i did and you and go ahead yes no i was gonna say you're the second asian american yes are you asian american yeah asian american female stand-up yeah since margaret cho to do hbo hour right yes yeah that yeah. That's incredible. That's, I mean, it's also, okay. I don't want to take away from how incredible that is for you, but I will say it is so insane that it took so long. Do you know what I mean?

Yeah. Like that's years, years in between the two of you. 22 years. That's wild. That's so nuts. But I'm so happy it's you because you're so funny and so wonderful and you once did monologues at like an improv show that i did and you were just so effortlessly funny and everyone after the show was just like god she's so funny it was like hard to like make

her funny stories like funny improv but yeah you're the best And I'm so proud of you. I'm so happy for you. How was it shooting it? Thank you, Nicole. That means so much coming from you. You're an inspiration. You are in the thank you credits, like I said, because of everything, you know, all that you're, you're all that and more to me too. And you helped me pick out my nail color that is prominently featured in the special. And so it's a neon yellow. I was going to go with green and that would be very different, honestly, because my earrings... Well, you said you were wearing blue. So I was like, what's going to pop with blue? I think this neon green is going to be cute. And then I did see pictures and it does look really good. Yeah. And my earrings are neon yellow too. So it's like, what was I thinking? Of course, listen to Nicole, always listen to Nicole. And the taping was awesome.

But looking back at it, and I'll be honest now, but I full on had a cold the day of the taping. Oh, you did? Yeah, but I was in denial because, you know, I had worked so hard for this moment. All these people flew out to New York to, to the crew and my director Tig and everyone was there, you know, and I didn't want to, so I just was like, oh, I think I just have a headache. I think, you know, I have the chills cause you know, it's New York. It's so chilly. And I didn't have COVID. COVID is what shuts down productions, right? But you, you But you know, we all know

you can have monkeypox or the flu and the production will still go on. And they're just like, we don't give a shit. We don't have rules for that. We haven't figured that out yet. And so, but you know, yeah, I so I did the first taping. It was great. I had adrenaline. I was on a bunch of Tylenols and a bunch of cold medicine by then. But then by the second show, like halfway in, I was like telling jokes. I was moving around and it hit me. I was like, oh my God, I'm really, really sick. Oh no.

And so if you watch the special, I used most of the first show. Because we were talking and you were like, you might end up using a lot of your second show, right? I did the opposite. Because, you know, my body was slowly, like, getting sicker. Your body shut down during the second show. Yeah, it was like, bitch, you have a, you know, cold. And so, yeah. And so there are moments we had to take out some of my sniffles, too.

Oh, no. Yeah. Well, I mean, it is one of those things where you're like, I just got to get it done, which is toxic. But also, I don't know how else you do it. For sure. Yeah. And, you know, in retrospect, yeah, I would have been more honest. But, you know, I was like i stayed masked masked the whole time

besides i was on stage and then once i got off i put my mask back on too but yeah it's it's wild it's that like hustle mentality you know sometimes you feel like oh gosh like i'm just the second one you know of asian american female stand-ups on hbo like, I can't let production, I can't fuck up now. I can't screw this up, you know. I want to, like, uphold it. And I want the third person to have their special. You know, I don't know when we can reshoot. The turnaround for this is two months, you know.

And so it's a lot. And I think what you were saying, saying you know it's culminated into this it's so wild nicole don't you think that like we know so many people who were the first yes to do stuff in the comedy world and it's like and it's like comedy's been around for a while the industry's been around for a while and it's so wild when it's like oh the second black woman to do this or the first black person or the first asian american or first indian american and it's like what why why are these platitudes still happening like we should it should just be everybody gets shit it's wild it's it's truly wild to me yeah

and how you know and then we have to also stay on top of it and insane and and nice because i want to be nice but it's it's hard because it is a lot it's like okay don't screw this up okay okay so here i am doing a special uh with a cold you know because i want the third person to get the special and i want this to do good so i like pushed myself and then you know the next day I was hungover. I was like, I might die. I think I'm going to die. I might just really pass away. Yeah, I had this like crazy cold. And then I drank the night, you know, because I was so excited. And I got through.

I did it. And then, yeah, I was like, the next day I was like, I think I've like, I've cut my life short by like 20 years. Trying to be the second Asian American female stand up to do an atrio special and you know margaret is like sober now like the industry was not easy on her too she had an eating disorder all these things you know to for what so like i watched her show all america girl i loved it i thought it was so funny and then reading articles about it afterwards where they were like you're too fat, this, that, and the other. And I was like, too fat? I think you all were just confused by a round face

because round face does not beget fat body. Like some people just have round faces. And then also I was like, she was a little bit bigger than other people, but like I loved that. Like I loved seeing someone who looked kind of like me. They put so much pressure on the first, you know? It's like, well, I mean, do we want this to be the first impression? It's like, screw you.

They were going to make her audition. They, you know, they made her, like, have to prove herself to play her own part. And it's like... Wait, they made her audition for that? Wait, maybe I did know that. That's fucking wild. Yeah, I think, yes. I believe that was the case

and then they said lose weight if you want to keep the rule too boy oh boy oh boy very fucking rude oh like a pomegranate diet where she was only eating pomegranates or something she went through stuff like that and that um i don't know if you eat pomegranates i don't know if you're a pomegranate fan i I don't think I've ever had one. Yeah, those things give you the shits. That's why you would lose weight because you just immediately, if you eat like two, you're on the toilet. Really?

Mm-hmm. How wild. I did not know that. I didn't know it was nature's laxative. Yeah. But my point is like, yeah, it's a lot of pressure. But you know, she has such levity about it and grace about it. Because when I asked, you know, I did a video with her talking about this. And then when I said, Margaret, do you have any advice for the third person? She goes, wear antiperspirant. Please don't forget to wear antiperspirant

the day of your taping because I can see the sweat stains that go all the way down to my hips still 22 years later in that special. And I was like, oh, that's so funny. That's so cool that you didn't make it about a negative experience. She was still like, oh, that's so funny. That's so cool that you didn't make it about a negative experience. She was still like, you know, yeah.

I do like when people can stay positive about something that wasn't all the way positive. But I don't mean like toxic positivity. Like I think it's good to talk about like what went terribly. But it's like, well, don't put the trauma that you went through on the third person. Do you know what I mean? It's like, let's keep it nice and light for them so they can have their own experience and their experience isn't

colored by maybe like what you went through um real quick we gotta take a break so you went to edinburgh and toured the intruder i. At Edinburgh, you have to do what? Like 30 fucking shows? Yeah. How many shows do you do? Yeah, I ended up doing 26 shows in a row. And I did 12 before that. I had been doing a bunch of runs of it in all the JFLs, which is the comedy festival that happens in Canada.

And sorry, that was for your listeners, not telling you what that is. Oh, listen, I know what JFL is. I knew you were explaining it for the listener. No, I'm kidding. It's whatever. But Scotland, Edinburgh is so intense. I had two mental breakdowns.

I wouldn't recommend it, honestly, for especially. Yeah. Is it back to back? Is it 26 days back to back doing the show? Back to back doing the show, rewriting it as you workshop it every time. I did a different version of it every day. You don't have to do it that way, but that's how I did it. I don't think I could do that. That's wild. Yeah, it is. And you're performing to Scottish farmers most of the time. And they're just staring at you. Did they laugh? Did they like, were they into it? They treated it like I was doing a tragic play or something.

Oh, no. I swear I'm up there. I was like, I swear this is a joke. And then they're just like staring at me like I'm a witch. Oh, no. I swear this is a joke and then they're just like staring at me like I'm a witch oh no because also they have they're kind of a little backwards still I'm lucky if they've even heard of Ali Wong

so let alone seen my bowl cut you know what I mean doing stand up in the UK that's not really something they're not used to my bowl cut in the UK they they mostly seen it on white men. That's who I saw it mostly on, like people who were trying to look like the Beatles or whatever still.

When did you come to decide that you wanted to have a signature bowl cut? I think three years ago. It's pretty new, actually. I feel like I've only known you. I guess I've only really known you for three years okay maybe four years i've had it like four years yeah we yeah i guess we've really only known each other for four years since let's go ots go and you came on to do the show and you were the reigning champion that show was so much fun it was so fun and then so we were trying to you know make it a tv show so but quibi

it was quibi so you know quibi quibi gone before it came goodbye quibi but what this day was my haircut so um and i do like it wait so tell me about these two mental breakdowns were they terrible mental breakdowns oh you know one was lighter than the other one only because it was the second one and you feel like after you know it was just you know it was just like I felt like I was sort of trapped and I it didn't make sense for me to be there. I was like, I could just be touring this to my fans in the States or something or in Canada, North America, instead of people who just buy bundles of tickets to a bunch of shows at Edinburgh Fringe. So they're just like, we love that it's cheap to watch anything here.

It's not a comedy festival. So people are watching a ventriloquist before you or maybe a tragic play or a solo show about surviving cancer. And then they might see your show. By now, they're super drunk and you're doing stand-up for an hour maybe they're not into that and so um yeah it was just it was just a lot and so I and I never cried but

I broke down and cried and I couldn't sleep at night and Ryan would have to Ryan would have to console me and he would sing to me oh so that I could sleep so that I could feel like, yeah, I wasn't trapped in this country with shitty food too on top of that. Scotland has bad food. Oh my gosh. It's how do you fuck up a hamburger? I, I don't know, but they did that. They did that I don't know, but they did that. They did that. Rock hard. Rock hard?

Rock hard meat. And they're like, oh, we have to cook it through, you know, because of mad cow disease. I was like, why is everyone concerned about diseases from the 1600s, you know? I've never been to Scotland. I do want to go because I do want to pick up a nice little Scottish boy and bring him home with me. I think my best bet to finding someone is importing them. I feel like, because sometimes I'll swipe on the apps and I'll be like, well, I've come to the end.

We're now repeating people. So I guess I got to leave the fucking country to find somebody that's brilliant why won't you date me international season oh my god i just go around and i'm like all right scottish man why wouldn't you fucking date me you were not that girl for me. Oh my God, that's a really good from what I know. That's a great impression. I thought I thought I was talking to Seamus, not Nicole. Thank you so much. Okay, so you met your husband in person. What advice do you have for me and our other single people listening on how to talk to people in person and how to meet the love of my life in person? Oh my gosh. I think if you just

unapologetically be you and the fun, loving self that you are, which is why everyone's drawn to you. That's truly all you need to do. You know what? You don't go and approach anyone. Let them come to you. Oh, Lord. Let them come to me. I'll be waiting for an eternity. You're wild. No, no, no. No, they will come. But you can try putting yourself out there, but also don't, just no self-judgment. You did good. No matter what comes out of your mouth as the first line. Because it'll always be funny and so great because you're Nicole.

Okay. And to everyone listening, same thing. But here's the thing. I keep reading that men do not like funny women but that's not true your husband loves a funny woman because you're so funny yeah yeah just that's why like go for people who uh who you know prioritize that like looking at the looking for the levity and things you know someone Someone who does have a sense of humor. I think that's very important.

Does Ryan have any siblings, any brothers? He has two brothers that are very different. How old are they? They are in their 40s. They are in their 40s. Okay. Are they single? Nicole, you look so happy and excited.

How am I going to answer? They're married with kids. Okay. Wow. She thought she had an in. She thought something might happen. She thought she might be sister-in-laws with a friend. And the answer is no, thank you, Nicole. You can't have this either. Oh my God, it was so heartbreaking. I couldn't even answer. It's okay. Does Ryan, he does, does he have any friends? All his friends are now my friends now, too. Yeah. Well, maybe. Yeah. I mean, look, we're always on the lookout.

You know us. And girl, last time I saw you, when you came to my show, you had a friend, a boy. And that went bye-bye. Yeah, but I was like, at the moment, I was still happy for you. yeah but i was like at the moment i was i was still happy for you yeah but you know things come and go they come very fast and they go equally as fast but okay ask ryan if he knows anybody and then you rack your brain and you try to think of, if you know anyone for me, because she's looking Nicole,

when you say like that, my God, yes, I'm. Oh, right after we get off from here, I'm, I'm out in the street screaming.

I'm going to, I have, I'm going to have printed pictures of you. People are going to, people are going to know that. Oh my God. I love Nicole. Yeah. They're going to be like, is she missing? Why do you have printed pictures of you, people are going to know that, oh my God, I love Nicole. They're going to be like, is she missing? Why do you have

printed pictures of her? Is she okay? You're like, yes. She's just still looking for someone to love her. Do you think that'll make you look good at all? That I'm out there doing that or no? I think it'll make me look great. I think when people start really helping me and putting my face out there doing that or no? I think you'll make me look great. I think when people start like really helping me

and putting my face out there for the people, I think that's going to be really helpful. And I think it's going to be a useful return in people being like, yeah, I like this piece of paper of this woman. I'm going to date her. Piece of paper. Oh my God.

You are art. I picture an art gallery, like an art show where it's why won't you date me? It's you, right? And there's printed pictures of you like I was passing out in the streets, descriptions of why Nicole is the best and written on the walls like they do for art because you are art and video projections of you just you know being you at uh pole dancing class you you know out and about in the streets you at protests and booty popping at them you know whatever right and then and then in the end you get to you're sitting on a throne right okay in your favorite position i don't know legs spread. I don't know, legs spread out. I don't know, high end. And then it's just like only men are allowed at this show. And after they see and really get to know you

by looking at all the art pieces, they get to meet you in the flesh. And they come to you and tell you why you need to date them. Oh, God, what a beautiful art show. I'll curate it. What a beautiful art show. Also, I could just envision the amount of rejection I would get. Just like they get to the end and they're like, ugh, not for me.

She's just too available. Not for me. That's not true. Like, there's a line of people trying to court you. And I will curate it. Curate the hell out of it. Look at me. That's not true. Like there's a line of people trying to court you. And I will curate it, curate the hell out of it. Look at me. I'm an art gallery owner. Look at my look.

You do look like an art gallery owner. You're wearing, I think, a New Works jumpsuit and then like this like Sherpa brown coat. And then you've got your beautiful haircut. Yeah, I see this. A quirky gallery owner. Yeah. So see this. A quirky gallery owner. Yeah. So I dream. I dream art show.

You know, I'm always trying to. Maybe it's back to like the game show days, you know. But like sometimes those shows work. That kind of thing works. I don't know. Like love is blind. I like it. Let's fucking do it.

Hatsuka, we've come to the end. I have a question. I've asked. I think I asked you this last time. I don't remember the answer. Would you date me? A hundred percent. Yes. I really would like you to speak to your husband tonight to see if there's anyone in your lives that you can set me up with because it's coming to the end for me. I'm getting too old. I need to find somebody before I die by myself. Yes, 100%. No, not tonight. I'm not waiting until tonight. I'm right after we get off.

Remember? I'm going in the streets. Yes, go head to the streets, please. Okay. Well, if you like this episode of Why Won't You Date Me? Wait, what do you want to promote? Your special. It's on HBO currently.

Yes. You can watch it on HBO or HBO Max, whichever one you have a password to. It's called The Intruder. And I'm sure it's so dang funny. I actually think I'm going to watch it after this. Okay, if you like this episode of Oh, I Want You to Hate Me, you can like it, you can rate it, you can subscribe on Apple Podcasts. If you write me something nasty hitting on me, but no pictures, Mars doesn't want that. I will read it out loud and you have to hit

on me in a nasty way. This person said, Hi, Nicole, I feel really terrible for you having to read that terrible Shakespearean message on the episode with Cola Scola. So I wanted to give you a fun, easy read for a change. Here it goes. I'll munch on your pussy till it smiles at me. Okay. Bye-bye. That's it for Why Won't You Date Me with me nicole byer why won't you date me is produced and engineered by oh the sweetest woman i know marissa melnick it is executive produced by other wonderful people adam sacks joanna solo taroff and jeff ross thanks for listening i love you thank you so much we'll be seeing you you next Friday with a brand new episode.

What a dream. What a dream. Ha ha ha. This has been a Team Coco production.