Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Love Exhibited (w/ Moses Storm)

Episode Date: February 18, 2022

Comedian Moses Storm lived in an art exhibit where he would sleep, shit, and had sex in front of an audience.  He navigates trying to find love while exhibiting, and being raided by Operation Fashion Police. Moses and Nicole also talk about shooting sex scenes for TV, preparing bits for dates, and the hookup culture on Birthright.Check out Moses's new comedy special, Trash White now on HBO Max! Crazy dating story? Looking for advice? Let Nicole and her guest help you out. Submit your stories, questions, or dirty pick-up lines to [e-mail] for a chance to have it read on-air.   Black Lives Matter. Click here for a list of over 100 different ways you can support racial justice.   Follow Nicole Byer: Tour Dates: linktr.ee/nicolebyerwastakenTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerMerch: podswag.com/datemeNicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

why won't you date me why won't you date me why won't you date me please tell me why why Oh, baby, welcome to another episode. What? Oh, sorry. You ruined my intro. Sorry. And I'm going to do it again. Sorry.

Sorry. You know what? Maybe I won't do the intro. Maybe this is how I should start the podcast from now on. Guys, this is why I want you to hate me. It's a new episode. My guest today. I'm going to get right into it.

Oh! Daddy-O! You better believe he's a hilarious comedian and an actor who hosted the Team Coco Live monthly comedy show. Oh!

He's got a new comedy special. Oh! It's it's called white trash it's available on hbo it's moses star that's not the regular intro? No, usually I talk about why I'm trying to figure out how I'm still single, even though you could come in my eye and I would say, thank you, that's yummy for me to keep my eyes closed. I can't believe it. I can't believe it.

It's shocking every time. Is there this pressure now to stay single to make the show work? Hell no. I'll get in a relationship tomorrow if somebody, you know, would have me. Yeah. And it hasn't happened yet. Come on. Not yet.

Nobody has asked me to be in a relationship yet. And here's the thing. It's like, why wouldn't you date me? It's like, sorry, you wouldn't date me because I'm in a relationship. You know what I mean? So I wouldn't end the podcast. Okay. There's a new breath.

They're asking about season eight. And don't worry, I have answers. I mean, it does seem insane that you would have. I guess now it's you who can be picky. I mean, you're on podcasts. You're on TV. You're on stand-up you're on motorcycles hell yeah dude you're on roller skates baby you're on all the things i am i'm on all of the wheels that you could be on i am doing things moses i have a question for you. You're in a relationship. Yeah.

How did you do that? How did it happen? It makes people angry when I say the story. So I'm working on, and hopefully you can help me come up with a better one. Okay. But the very first Tinder date I went on, I was like, I'm not looking for anything.

It was a joke messaging people because it was a very new app in 20 late 2014 it was still this thing of like this is the hookup app uh went on one tinder date and it's been together ever since that makes people fucking furious when they find that out that's fucking wild so okay what was you were joking around in messages to uh uh your current partner what were you saying uh okay so it was a couple days before thanksgiving everything is against us it's the saddest time to be trying to date and it's the worst even if you have a good family i'm about to leave and go spend time at home this is a real sentence i was just leaving an art exhibit that i had lived in for two months i was leaving an art exhibit that i

lived in living in an art exhibit where people could watch me shit shower shave 24 7 it was open for two months uh where in In downtown LA, in the fashion district. And no fashion has ever been done there. It's front for drugs. So wait, was your dick just out for everybody to look at? Yeah. Yeah. I was essentially, I had gotten

cheated on slash she was like, we were never really together a couple months before. and i was essentially throwing the world's most expensive fit by moving into this art exhibit i don't know if it's a fit i feel like it's like a real eat pray love but for the artiste yes i like you framing it that way i look back i took the video down of it because I cringe at it. It's just a very angry young man that's like, well, someone cheated because she didn't want to be with you.

That's just like people have their own right. You're not owed anything. No, everyone has their own pain and things that they're interested in. And to be fair to her, we were never really together because i don't know if you ever had a relationship start this way she's like don't tell anyone that's funny that's what she said in the beginning don't tell nobody but i think if you're 21 22 it's like how romantic it's a rome's secret I love it yeah she was a known figure person and

much hotter than me okay yeah so I was like very lucky that I caught her at a very bad time in her life and just happened to be there and be a little bit kind but still very immature 21 year old 22 year old she was about 6 years older than me Happened to be there and be a little bit kind, but still very immature.

21-year-old, 22-year-old. She was about six years older than me. Oh, wow. Yeah, that was like part of the reason. So then that ended and I just couldn't handle it. That's the most pain that anyone has ever felt in their life. And then essentially did this thing as a half joke of like, oh, everyone's abusing crowdfunding right now.

Zach Braff is trying to raise money for a movie. That's okay. And then, but then behind it, if I really examined why I was doing it, it was just throwing a very expensive fit to get her attention. I don't know what the end goal was but did she reach out to you she like heard you're shitting in public and sleeping for people to watch are you doing okay when you want to go to dinner when you put it like that sounds awful heard you're shitting in public

yeah who wouldn't want to get back together the amount of eye contact I made with people. Yeah. No, I did invite her to come, and she very politely was like, well, no, I'm not going to come to that. It's psycho to see someone, and it's going to be more painful for you if you're clearly not over this. So...

How long did... I don't mean to... No, I do. I'm chuckling. Let's get into it. And I'm going to own it. It's all very embarrassing, yes. How long were you I don't mean to, no, I do. I'm chuckling. No, no, no, let's get into it. And I'm going to own it. It's all very embarrassing, yes. How long were you together, not together?

Not even long enough to be this angry. I would say maybe seven months, give or take a few weeks. Okay, I think that's long enough. Okay. If you're 21, you're flying by the seat of your pants like, oh my God, this is insane. This person is way out of my league. This never happens for us comedy folk.

Yeah, and then your brain's not fully formed, and you're also just – you're a piece of shit. If you're 21, it doesn't matter where you are. If you're like, I'm at a commune right now, and you're studying, you're a piece of shit. So, yes, in my piece of shithead, it was I had been wronged or was hurt. I mean, and OK, so, oh, that's really interesting that you met somebody that you went on to be in a long term relationship with while leaving an art exhibit that you lived in while mourning a relationship that was never uh actualized which on paper right that's awful that's an awful way to start any relationship no on paper i buy that pitch it is a great indie movie for a24 we're doing it thank you so much or neon or something love exhibited it's a it's always some title that doesn't make sense those Those low budget ones that are like,

they are the R of us. You're like, what? Adam Driver is always in it. It doesn't matter. Oh, Adam Driver would absolutely play you and be like, I just don't know what I need. I know what I want and it's you. And it's like, hey, we need you back in your box.

And he's like, I gotta go. He's so angry. I would watch it. Yeah, so I was in that thing, throwing a big old fit, maybe doing sex in the art exhibit with people. It's alluring. You were also fucking people in this art exhibit?

Moses, this is wild. That sounds bad when you say it like that there was you know people hook up you're 21 and then some that's where i was living i'm sorry so oh was it during exhibit hours yes well well they're 24 hours so everything was exhibit hours oh yeah so yeah yeah but like would people wait till like the dead and be like, surely no one will be here at 3 a.m.? Yeah. Yeah, it was that. I mean, the thing is, LA is such a shitty city in that if you are just have an open spot and you're like, I'm doing this performance thing, everyone will co-opt it for their own thing.

Other artists came in. It was a 2,000 square foot loft in a part of town that if you ever got off of the exit, you're like, I made a mistake. This is not even on the way to anything downtown la gets so scary after 5 p.m it's just it truly no rules nightfall happens and you're like all right people are just walking in the middle of the street okay so if you say you have anything goes art exhibit that uh i can't really control i was barely talking in there. People would show up. People would put up their own art. They would have art shows in there.

Musicians would come and practice there. They would put on shows there. Ronnie Turioff, this is a real thing. Ronnie Turioff, a professional basketball player, had just started training for the Lakers because he got traded or whatever. And then he started hanging out there. We had a dodgeball game there. It was like anything that people wanted to do,

I really couldn't say no to, happened there. So, yeah, it was my entire life. It consumed everything. So sometimes people would come there. And one of those people was me. That's great. Yeah. This is so funny to me okay so you leave this

art exhibit where uh you were living i get kicked out i get kicked out of the art exhibit oh how do you get kicked out of your art exhibit so the lapd has raided several buildings in downtown la this is a real thing that people can look up it was called operation fashion police no i shit you're not doesn't it sound like it's sounding it's starring mary-kate and ashley yes that's so funny so the fbi and uh the dea has raided several buildings and mind you this is the only building that would let me do this in la airbnb was just becoming a thing. I tried all that avenues. I couldn't have a place where I was allowed to live and was also a place where people could constantly come in.

I tried storefronts. I tried people's, just a house. None of that I could afford or do. The one building, it was like a little sketchy. The guy was a little scary. He had like old, he had like three old guys in his office that were like the muscle uh when i signed the temporary lease which is also major red flag it's like oh month by month what do you what do you think is gonna happen in here

that is funny to be like i'll do month. Also, I have bodyguards for your signature. Thank you so much. I'm dangerous. So they, the DEA, they raid the three buildings, several buildings, downtown LA. And it turns out that the guy that owned my building, my landlord, essentially, was laundering money through these fashion stores. Like if you're getting a quinceanera dress, it's like four dresses in a room. But they were laundering cartel money through this business.

And one of the apartments, not mine, this rich guy who was very mean to his girlfriend, they found $250,000 lining his walls. They knocked down a drywall. Yeah. So he got arrested. He made bail that night and was like, you gotta stop.

Well, yeah, you just have to fucking open another door and dig up the drywall. Yeah. Absolutely. Of course I checked my walls. Nothing. He was like, you gotta stop having so many people over.

It was never packed up. It was not famous or anything. I mean, the most was like, you got to stop having so many people over. It was never packed up. It was not famous or anything. I mean, the most was like, oh, 100 people, which is kind of a lot. That is so many people. I can't imagine having 100 people in my home. Yeah. But the other lofts, I mean,

they were doing things like yoga slash edible class where people take an edible and do yoga. So a lot of these lofts are like creative spaces. So then, but people actually live there. So he was like, you can't have any more parties. And I didn't tell him what I was doing. I wasn't going to explain it. So I was like, yeah, absolutely.

And then just kept doing it. And he got very upset. And he had his old muscle come over and say, everyone needs to get out. Like two old guys. And, um, everyone got kicked out.

And then I guess those old muscle guys were getting in people that were just attending the art exhibits face of like shoving him. Like gotta get out of here. Uh, then the guy that runs a building got punched. So he was very upset. upset yeah someone calls the cops he goes up there to essentially kick my ass with his old guys and uh right right as he comes in he's like in my face i'm like up literally up against the wall he's yelling at me uh then the

cops come in and they break everything up and i break the three-month lease agreement that we had. I pack everything up and I'm out before the sun's up. Dang. So you didn't have another place lined up. Where'd you go? Didn't have another place lined up. I moved back to Beachwood Canyon, baby. It's the hot spot.

UCB is at its prime. It's 2014. You and I auditioned for Herald's together. Oh, yeah. Which is where we met. Uh-huh. Neither one of us made it, I don't think. No.

And then the both of us have been running on spite energy ever since. Yeah, I think that was, oh, I was trying to get back onto harold name yeah and they were like sorry about it and i was like i mean okay which were so funny in heralds and i think the ucb did not reward people like us and maybe it's fair to them where we are a lot of the notes that you get is a hey stop stop being so funny in this scene. Stop controlling the scene. I know you know what's funny and what's going to make this scene good,

but you got to remember, we're doing a team sport here. Yeah, and then it's just like, oh, okay, so I guess I can be on stage alone and do improv and I'll just call that stand-up and I'll repeat them. I'll repeat all them jokes. So a lot of things that make you successful now is uh ucb is not into that at the time uh now they're into anything they'll take it so now ucb is i think they're doing online classes i don't know if the theater is going to open back up in la i don't know knows? That one theater's very good.

It's a very fun room that shouldn't work and it's still technically there but everywhere else is closed. I mean all the Beast,

that bad Hell's Kitchen venue is closed. Uh-huh. The Chelsea one closed. Sunset closed. What a Cuomo

Brothers rise and descent. You used to get a very quick up and down. It really, yeah had a very quick up and down. It really, yeah, it was very swift in both directions. Cuomo brothers. So how'd you get into

stand-ups? Oh, wait, no, I still want to know. Okay, so you left. So then she is leaving a relationship with a guy that she's probably been with for two years and had just come from crying. uh i was a little late to the date because she was crying in her car so these are two very broken people sure that

are in no place to give anything to anyone which is what you should be you should your cup runneth over that you should be able to give something and then that's probably when you'll meet the person you're supposed to be with uh so she's yeah still reeling from her ex and him maybe or may not cheating on her and i'm dealing with my thing she shows up very late to this date uh and um she had like little bits planned she's like have you seen these new billboards that was like was like, I'm in love. Wait, really? Yeah, she had this whole bit about, she's not a comedian by any means, but she just had things I had clearly done myself of like,

oh, sometimes on a date I would prepare little like, the car was crazy, traffic was crazy. Wait, that's so adorable. And then she had this. So adorable. I've never done that. Maybe I should start doing that. Have you never prepped for a date? No,

it's I've gone on so many dates that before each date I go, Hey, Nicole, this one might be good. So just show up. Yeah. And then I show up and I try to like hold a conversation and try to be interesting is there there's no like thought about the questions like how many siblings do you have or no i i guess i i keep it pretty surfacy i like i don't get into like siblings or like how

you're raised or any of that shit until like i'm'm like, Oh, I think I like you. I want to know things about you. Yeah. I started immediately. Do you think you should spank your kids? I get right down to it. Do you think you should spank your kids? No, I was spanked.

I was like, no, don't do that. I was spanked too. And I don't think it's good. I think, uh, no,

I think it's more, uh, there's more weight to looking at a child in the eyes and going, I'm really disappointed in your choices. Maybe you make better ones? And you're like, oh man. Because I think when you're forced to think things through, of like, oh this can make people

mad, it's a little healthier than, oh do this thing not because it's right, or you should have empathy towards other people that are going through a rough time. It's like don't feel the hurt. I don't want to be hurt so I won't do this. I don't think that's a good way to approach things i don't know if that makes me a good person i think it makes you a good person it makes you a person who like

thinks things out i think yeah i don't know i guess i'll donate to charity so i don't get hit yeah i don't want fucking society to hit me okay so you go on a date i message her a joke message um i was with other improv people when we had downloaded tinder as a joke slash would it be the worst thing in the world if people thought i was cute so i messaged her uh two days before thanksgiving and i say this exactly i'd be like do you want should i get one or two pizzas for thursday meaning thanksgiving which is like oh that's the saddest thing i could think of it's like trying to get like two pizzas on a date she did not get the joke she was drunk enough and sad enough to be like uh i don't know sure and then uh showed up to date and really hit

it off with this person that uh by the time i had left the date, I was like, oh, that's it. That's the person. And then, you know, broke it off almost that night with the two other people I was kind of seeing post-art exhibit. And then, yeah. And then, yeah, just started dating her and things accelerated pretty quickly because the time, meaning Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's, her birthday, and then Valentine's Day,

very close. So you really had to make moves quick. Okay. So did you spend Thanksgiving together? No. No, but I did. Did you spend thanksgiving together no no but i spent christmas together i did facetime her and uh sort of introduce her to my family which is the first time i've ever ever done that oh that's sweet i love that um speaking of wait quick, we have to take a break. Okay. And we're back. Okay, so you mentioned you got to meet your family.

I know very little about your family other than you were homeschooled and you grew up in a cult. Yeah, that's almost too generous. Both of those sentences, homeschooled implies that there was some school being done. Much to the ire of the government and the welfare office, we did not have any schooling. I learned how to read and write at 18 slash right now,

still learning. Okay. I still, if I'm doing a table read for something, especially it's comedy i'll ask if i can get it ahead of time because the cold rate it's i'm gonna i'm gonna ruin your joke i it's dyslexia dysgraphia and no schooling infrastructure wait what's dysgraphia who's that just dysgraphia sounds like who is she who is she sounds hot. Dysgraphia is the order of things.

If you were to tell me a phone number right now, it's the mechanical part of your brain that transmutes what you say into the actual physical act of writing that down. There's a disconnect there. So it's much more rare than dyslexia. But dyslexia and dysgraphia, you're essentially saying this person could never be literate even if i had every sort of schooling any sort of program still been learning center it would be a little bit better but i would never be a flawless reader and hey i think that's okay i'm not super great at cold reading i try to i ask for scripts too in advance just because i'm like it's table read i want to at least be familiar make a choice with the joke

and like practice the order of the words because sometimes my brain will switch things around and i've had table reads where i go oops i'm sorry and then i'll be like i'll say that joke better and then you know get that laugh because you you know you you're like and they're like yeah you know it's tough it's really fucking tough have you gotten tested for dyslexia um i haven't gotten tested but i'm pretty sure i do have it because someone will say words to me and i they'll be like repeat it and like, hmm. And I'll have been listening. And I will think I have taken it in. But then I will have to think and like really rack my brain and be like, okay, they said this, this, this, and this. And then sometimes it's right. Sometimes it's very wrong.

That does sound like it. So I have the same thing. So, yeah, you might. Yeah. Because it's great. Because if you have a disorder, it's like an excuse to not do things. It's great. I you have a disorder, it's like an excuse to not do things. It's great. I suffer from depression or whatever.

You know, if you have a fancy word for it, you could do anything. Have you ever been in that situation where you're in the room auditioning for something and they're like, okay, I know you came in for Sweet Little Girl Next Door, but you've got to take these sides. I mean, it's usually like you need to there's this piece of shit character that you would be perfect for mine's like okay we know we like read you for the lead but we're not going to cast a fat black as the lead we really want you to read for sally her best friend whose lines are only yes girl i wrote for you so yeah that's happened that is it that is it yeah yeah this is the queen her basically her whole personality is yes queen yeah so now i've gotten better a little more

confident being like no actually you need like 10 minutes or more to actually look at this because i have this fancy disorder and this ten dollar word but will you do it in the room? Or will you just say like, no, let me come back. I've said, let me come back. I'll be like, I need time. And it's specifically, it's not because I was like being kind to myself. I just took an audition class where the guy was like, memorize the first three lines because they'll show that you made a choice or whatever. And I was like, okay.

So then I'd be like, I got to memorize the first three lines. That's what that man told me. I paid good money. He told me. Yeah. So that's literally why I asked for it. So you just memorized the first three and then you could go down and read in real time? No.

So I would memorize the first three, read through it like five or six times. And then if I felt like I was taking too long, I would go, I'm ready. Or they'll be like, are you ready? And I'll go, yes. And they go, oh, we'll just give you more time. We can see two other people than you. And I'm go, I'm ready. Or they'll be like, are you ready? And I'll go, yes. And they go, oh, we'll just give you more time. We can see two other people than you. And I'm like, okay. Yeah. By the way, anytime I've been in the room and tell me what's happened to you and they're like, oh, just look at it right now and then do it. I am not looking at this at all. I'm pausing, but I have no plan. I'm not taking in any information on the page at all. And I think when you start out, you're so insecure about being there.

It's such a weird thing that you don't know how to say what would be good for you because you have no other option. When did you feel like you had the option to say what would be good for you? I would say probably within the last four years. Okay. Which is like I've been working since 2012 it's a minute to be like this is what i need i'm like yeah that's not good for me no i can't i don't want to say that line yeah i mean i've had times where there's jokes where i'm like i cannot make fun of this older actress's face like you have to change this line.

And then a nice older gentleman who wrote the joke would be like, it's funny, though. And I go, okay, to you. But, like, it's my face saying it. I would really love if you, the funny guy, could come up with an alt, because, like, you're really funny, right? And that took a minute to understand that, like, I can say I don't want to say this.

I don't have to say awful shit right because it ultimately it is your face and to the greater world uh or people in the midwest when they watch a show they don't they know it's written there's no there's a director but it is you saying it's your face yes and i will say that's generous to some people in these other states and people who aren't in the industry they go you wrote that you said that you're bad at jokes and you're like i i just said what was on a piece of paper i i gave an alt they didn't like it i feel like you're at the fame level now where you're going to be included in a documentary about like where you know when they're like oh paris hilton got a bad rap and then they'll play a bunch of clips from shows and monologue jokes that do not age well it's always Jay Leno be like

that is not the discord at all they Jay Leno jokes age I mean worse than milk truly there was one oh in the Britney documentary they go through a bunch of late night jokes. I was like, I can't believe we as a nation just went, okay. Knowing what we know now, the hand sanitizer guy that got in a bunch of trouble for up pricing everything in the New York Times article. The New York Times said that he was price gouging. He sold things online. One of the things happened to be that. And then because everyone's prices are raising, he has got raised.

But people went after him. Yep. It's an interesting fucking world we live in. Have you ever run into someone that you've maybe made fun of? No. Like, oh, Tyrese, I had a joke about you personal experience I try really hard to not make jokes about people people with names and shit and yeah I try really hard because I'm just like I don't I mentioned Joe Rogan in the episode of this podcast with uh I don't remember who the guest was, but then in the comments,

you know, people are like, but do you listen to Joe Rogan? It's like, no, I sure don't. I just don't think he needs to be the spouter of information that you take to then live a life.

He's a comic. I hope nobody's taking information from me and without questioning it living their life it's a comedy podcast i'm just here to teehee right you know and to be fair to joe rogan when she doesn't need it like the fact that please be fair i love fear factor cnn like propagating him they're just propping him up they're just by saying like this is misinformation you're only drawing more people there because it's alluring to think like oh here's an alternative opinion to what we're hearing if i listen to him maybe i'm smarter because i'm not doing what everyone else is doing and they're promoting

him more than he could ever promote himself it is wild and i feel like we don't know that or maybe they do understand i don't know it's like talk, like, it's kind of like how when Trump was president, every news fucking outlet covered him, talked about him, da, da, da, da. And then he stopped being president. I have heard not what I really don't hear much about him at all anymore. And I'm like, I know he was the president. So it was like, talk about him or whatever. But like the non-presidential shit he was doing we didn't need to like cover you know

right the gossipy thing whatever he got peed on in a hotel room it's yeah you know that didn't really get resolved what was the point of covering that how did you square that with your special because your special is really fun and that's like oh this is just who you are it's not a bunch of political jokes it's not a bunch of covet jokes it you address it but it's not what was that i was like let's address it because it is a thing we all lived through but i was like what am i going to take time to write jokes that were already done on twitter better that were already done on instagram better that were done by like one hit wonders because that's what social media is like when people are like i went viral i'm like yeah you're a one hit

wonder it's hard for you to reproduce more funny content but it's like that one hit wonder it hit you can't really really talk about it i was watching a different special the other day and it was a lot of covid stuff and i was like and it was like remember when we wiped down groceries i'm like yeah everybody does yeah everybody does every like i what is your take on it is there a take no maybe not so I was like let me just pop in and pop out and then talk about things that happened to me during the pandemic that may not have happened to other people so that's that's my take on a lot of comedy where I'm like my mother used to say you're not reinventing the wheel like you can't it's done what's your take on the wheel everything has been done that yeah it's impossible to shoot for

complete originality so is that as a step of like i just selfishly asking for myself who's trying to set up another one is it always like okay well let me just keep investing in the personal material and not necessarily what's happening in the zeitgeist i'm not gonna be like ukraine russia get over her girl russia is obsessed with ukraine oh my god russia's like i'm so ukraine yeah i mean i do keep it rather personal which is like uh something i'm like at odds about where i'm like how much of my personal life do i actually want to be fucking talking about in public and then you know you make an instagram post and then someone brings up something you said on a podcast a year and a half ago or at a live show like two years ago and you're like

man people don't fucking forget they don't they just let it let it sit in their hearts for so long so i don't know i took a break from stand-up after my special for a minute and now i'm trying to debate on what i want to talk about, like, just personally. I don't know. How do you make a choice? Wait, is your special, your special's not out yet. No, it is out. It is out.

It is? When did it come out? It's making huge waves. It was on the 20th, yeah. Oh, fuck. I need to watch it because I'm excited to watch it. I think you're so fucking funny. Thank you for that.

I think the biggest lesson watching yours is, I don't know, not being so precious about things. You are one of the most charismatic and entertaining people to watch as a person. Oh, thank you. That I'm not watching you to be like, what's her take on Derek Sheldon? It's like, I want to enjoy myself. I want to watch a funny

person explore ideas and talk. That was very helpful. Oh yeah, you could just essentially be yourself and that is enough. That is enough because you are so charming as a person. Not everyone can do that. We see plenty of

specials that do not have material and just relying on personality. I will now name names. And it's just like, tee hee hee. Yeah. But you got it. One of my favorite shows that we did was, it was at Dynasty.

And you were talking about a ton of stuff from your childhood and growing up in a cult. And the audience really was like, we don't know. Oh oh my god my dog is barking stop that's not like he saw something he like came in to yell at you that was the energy he was like excuse me i don't like where this is going but uh it was a show we were talking about like your childhood and i think you were talking about mickey mouse and how mickey mouse wasn't like allowed in the house something about it but the audience really couldn't decide if you were

joking or not joking and i couldn't stop laughing one of my favorite things is to watch someone be very funny in an audience go i don't know i don't know because i was just like me you uh so sheer and and and joel so it's like we all know each other. So we had essentially tuned out the entire audience, and we were just talking. I don't even remember them being there. I just remember telling you guys this thing. Oh, I think it was Star Wars.

I had never seen Star Wars. Oh, yeah. I'd only seen the edited version because of our religious upbringing. Any sort of violence in a movie was edited out on two VCRs very harshly. So all the action sequences of Star Wars were taken out, and it was just a guy moping in the desert, and then it cuts to a bathrobe on the ground. And everyone's crying.

So all of it was cut. So I was like, I don't understand why people like this movie. This is the most boring movie imaginable. And it was only when I was an adult that I saw the movie. I was like, oh, cool. But yeah, I think that might have been it. But I forgot they were there.

And I just wanted to tell you guys that as friends of mine. Oh, man. So funny. The audience really was just like huh um okay were you not allowed to watch anything growing up or was anything like is there something you were watching as a kid you're like this is not for children like well my mother wouldn't let us watch dawson's creek 90210 melrose place but we watched ally mcbeal um and then like jerry mcguire it was like a lot of like pretty overtly sexual things and then like a lot of like fighting things i'm trying to think like

what kind of action movies we had just like mission impossible i don't know like was dawson's was dawson's creek seen as like how euphoria is seen like for the 90s was dawson's creek because i never watched anything growing up so was that like a sexual show well my mother just didn't like that pacey fucks his teacher at some point it's either in the pilot or like in the series and my mom was like no that's not right so we watched things that she liked like i remember being i don't know 12 and we watched this movie called soul food and two characters were like fucking against a wall standing up and my mom just slowly like just turned and looked at me and she said that's hard to do and i was like oh i don't why would you and that's how you learned about sex

yeah by being deeply uncomfortable with my mother and her being like, takes a lot of balance and core strength. It really, unless he doesn't have a natural banana curve, it is very hard to do that. I mean, I've always been very fat, so no one has ever attempted it with me. No one's ever been like, you know what I want to do? Hurt myself. Not even for the ego? Just like, I can do it. It's not enjoyable. So many things that are,

oh man, that's a lesson I wish I would have learned much earlier, is like so many things that are in movies or even in porn does not feel even remotely good. One for her, let alone for you. It's not fun. There's nothing wrong with a good old missionary.

I like missionary. I feel like people really knock it, and it's nice you just move legs around and then you get different angles and it's very it's your face is there it's nice to look at someone's face your titties are there and someone you slap them around a little bit it's nice you know me i was slapping titties kissing slapping titties it is the best it just feels like oh everything fits this is yeah i. I feel like a Republican in this year because I'm like, this is right. This is what God intended it.

Have you ever had sex in a shower? Yes. I have not because I am deeply scared of slipping, falling, being knocked unconscious, and then the person either leaving me or also slipping, falling, and being knocked unconscious, and then the person either leaving me or also slipping, falling, and being knocked unconscious. And then we wake up and we go, who are you? And then we don't

know each other! And you're naked and that's how you have to say hello to the world? Yeah! Okay, and it's awful for another reason that they don't talk about in movies, is that any sort of natural lubricant that the body provides is now washed away. So if you're having sex,

one, it's like, I'm a little cold. I want to stay in the hot water. And then in that process, you kind of have to be behind. The guy has to kind of be behind or guy on guy. And then any natural lubrication gets washed away immediately. So it's not that enjoyable.

It just looks so hot in movies. Movies do a really good job of making sex look like it's this raw thing where everyone's like, I want you. Some of the best sex I've ever had was just going, tee hee hee. Have you had to do it yet for a show or movie a sex scene I have given three blowjobs on screen but like not on screen but like just like kind of going out of frame yeah it's you like ducking and there's the AC next to you there's just like a camera assistant okay being like that was funny you're like yeah it's funny to think about whenever i watch tv

and someone exits a scene i'm like they're like in a closet with somebody else where like that's where the set ends or they're like dodging other things through the set or they're crouched really low somewhere so they're out of frame it's really funny to me yeah he's like big like yeah if it's like a hot sex scene it's like he i'll be back and then he's gonna like duck under a soft box and a light it is the most awkward thing because uh the sex scenes i have done you've had to fill up paperwork before because there's a really big clause for any everything everything is agreed upon before of how much is going to be shown and what you're allowed to do, essentially. So it's like, oh, it's agreed upon.

There's 100% consent. So by the time you get into it and you're having to stay there for focus marks, you're having to go back to one, it is the least hot experience. it is the least hot experience it is when i hear stories of people getting hard on set i'm like that is so far from my mind right now this is so deeply awkward and mechanical yeah i've never been turned on and like kissing someone either because it's just like a camera's whipping around did you hit your mark you didn't hit your mark and then you're like oh what did you have for lunch oh also you don't learn your lines and that's not fun for me i don't like you as a person yeah and then you're like you're hearing burps from crew members i'm like oh that that smells like what lunch was it was spanish style rice it's like oh yeah okay oh, okay. You really enjoy that.

I think the first one I did was in an unreleased James Franco movie, meaning when he was doing his very litigious program at UCLA, I was in one of those movies that it was so risque that it was unreleased. Imagine James Franco being like, that is too much. That is the line. This teen gang bang is not what I what is your life you're like in the right place at the

wildest times like that have you seen a cut of that movie no and then trying to like hit up the director for just like footage for my reel it was pretty early on so I was like I'll take any footage it was very cagey about it so Trying to hit up the director for just footage from my reel. It was pretty early on, so I was like, I'll take any footage. It was very cagey about it.

So, yeah, it was very weird. It was a female director, but that doesn't make it better. But essentially, it was four guys and a girl in a room. And she was at a level of intoxication where it's like, I don't know. Is this okay? And I think that was the question of the movie. So i played you know one of the pieces of shit in the movie and that would even that even though it's like very low budget was a very like meticulous contract of what we were allowed to do what we were allowed to show so by the time we got to it's like one and two and three and four and reset. The second one was like a mutual masturbation scene via Skype.

Yes. That wasn't great either. Okay. Regular Skype sex isn't even that good. I've never had Skype sex. I think I'd rather just not do it. Right. That is always the-

I can just wait. I can just wait. There's the whole internet rather just not do it. Right. That is always the... I can just wait. I could just wait. There's the whole internet. I could do that. I don't have to see you. Yeah, I could just do a quick Google search for someone who looks similar to you, similar to me, and, you know, I'll watch that and have a nice time alone. Did anyone try in the lockdown,

anyone you might have been dating or flirting being like, hey, let's get on and maybe we do things. You better believe not one person. Not us all. I reached out to someone that I had been dating right before lockdown happened, and he was like, no, thank you. And I was like, okay, she's riding this solo.

And then there was a point I was like, I think I'm just going to be alone forever. And then people were like, Zoom dating. And then I did one and I was like, okay, again, I think I'm going to be alone forever. And then they're like, we're going to have a vaccine. And then that took a couple months and then I got the vaccine and then started dating again.

Bad, it's bad. Real quick, we have to take another break. Real quick, we have to take another break. I can't wait to ask this question. What was worse, Zoom dating or Zoom stand-up comedy? Here's the thing. I refused to do Zoom stand-up comedy. That's why she's successful.

That is exactly why you are successful. That is the comedic mind being like this is not good this is not conducive for what this trick of an art form is it's like i'm laughing because that person's laughing next to me and then it's like i i could just monologue by myself in my house with nobody responding yeah i want to do that on Zoom with a shitty connection and then be like, did you hear the last thing I said? I just, I was like,

I learned how to do stand up in front of people. I don't want to have to learn how to do it for no people and then go back to doing it for people. No one should have to bomb in their own living room. If you've ever bombed before

and it happens if you're writing like you should be, you leave the venue as fast as possible. You go, no, thank you. That was very bad. Sorry about it. You shouldn't then watch Tiger King in the same room. Get out of there. Yeah, shut the laptop up.

Then you're like, I guess I'll watch Netflix now and really think about how I can improve. I bailed on every single one of them. I think the one thing I did with my show when you were on is like, oh, let's just talk to people because I'm not going to make them do stand-up because everyone bailed on it. Everyone was like, they would start with a joke of like, everyone's making sourdough bread these days.

And I'm just thinking, like, we got a date, but we're also having, do you guys want to see my cat? And they'd bring up some cat that doesn't want to be in the frame. I mean, that's the only way you can do it. Just like, do you want to see things in my house? Yeah.

The pandemic, like I, I know we needed to laugh and stuff, but I was like, there's other ways. I did two zoom happy hours and I was like, I can't this. I couldn't possibly,

I'll never do that again. Yeah, because even if you're saying something offhand, the way that Zoom works is it'll take priority to who's ever the loudest. So if you were performing or if you're doing a happy hour, if some Midwest mom was like, that's true, that's so true, it would just immediately go to her

and then cut your audio off. Uh-huh. For the end of your joke. Oh, okay, cool. I will say the only thing that has stuck with like a Zoom anything is I will watch like TV with someone on Zoom. If I'm like, you were exposed to COVID, great. We had plans to watch this. We can just watch it on Zoom, watch the show, talk a commercial.

That's kind of nice that's great that's the only thing i will do over zoom that's social whatever you have with that person is what you need in a relationship oh because that's most of life so if someone's like hot as shit and the sex is good that's maybe if we're being generous 18 minutes out of the day okay closer to three so if you can't do that and that's most of life most of life is not that endless emails and vacations most of life is a show is out emily paris is out can you be comfortable shitting on that show in between commercial breaks that is is, in my head, the closest thing that I've felt to love. Oh. Well, that is what I want.

I keep saying, I'm like, all I want is somebody to sit on the couch with and watch. I've been watching The Office. To watch The Office with me. Yeah, I mean, that's all I want. I just want, like, to look at someone and be happy. You know what I mean?

Yeah. Because I think what I see from the outside is you're a very, very outgoing, very charismatic, very fun person. And the kind of people that that sometimes draws are those people that are a little unhinged. They like a good time and then after you have come and you get that clarity and you're with that person you're like this person is not i don't want to say any words to this person about this show i have dated a lot of people where like after sex or like during the day like you sleep over and you wake up and you're like oh we literally we can't talk there's nothing to talk about i don't think

there's a thought in your head or i'm like very hungover and i'm like hello and they're like yeah i'm not good in the mornings or comedians were only good at night. Like I'm not even close to being on. It's not like, don't you want to see me before my coffee? It's like, I'm a little bitch until noon. You don't want to meet this little bitch. Have you ever had the thing where you have someone that's from out of town

stay with you? And it's like a hookup thing. That is, that is how. Wait, no, I've never had a hookup from out of town like someone you met in new york maybe or they live in new york and they're like i'm gonna come

out to la and we're fucking so we should maybe stay together and then they stay with you and then they're just always there because they don't know anyone no that sounds like a fucking nightmare i did that for how long how long they stay was only a week, but it felt like a year. Someone I met on birthright. It's a free trip that is supposed to bring down Palestine. They give Jews a free trip so that more Jews will go to Israel,

get married there, they'll pay for your wedding. Yes. They will pay all your expenses if you meet someone on birthright and get married there. Oh, for your wedding yes uh they will pay all your expenses if you meet someone on birthright and get married there uh which is like on birthright aren't you like 16 you uh 18 i went when i was uh 20 so it was like a oh you can technically kind of drink wait didn't you grow up with christian missionary parents oh yeah but my name is moses storm and my dad is a little jewish so then that was enough

because it's not it is not for like educating jews it is legitimately there to get more jews than there are palestinians that's why it's state funded it is uh yeah in my head this is my own personal beliefs and okay why won't you date me does not support this in any way i'm ignorant to the i really have not done enough research do you have an educated uh thought on it the whole trip is that you just go on a series of first dates 20 guys 20 girls and you're going white water rafting and then a hike and then it's some propaganda at a at a temple and then you get to all stay in a commune and i was like no drinking but do you say you want to ride to the city and then everyone drinks all night everyone hooks up on birthright even the kid with the neck towel hooked up

the kid that was so sweaty he had to carry a neck towel around. Even he got some. Even he got some ass? Yeah. So it's a fuck trip. How much Jewish in me do I need? Oh, God. What a wild sentence. You could go. You could go. I could go?

You could go. Yeah. I tripped close to a matzo ball one time. And I'm like, that's enough. You want to go? You got quite the following, Nicole. Yeah, send me to Birthright i was i did a commercial you can't find it anywhere i think i've deleted it from the internet i did an israeli nestle commercial where i played a very sassy fairy who just moved her neck around

and she was like chocolate everybody this is how israel sees you uh-huh well the casting director said if you go too black i'll bring you back um and they we i flew to uh fucking bucharest uh romania to shoot it and then my flight was canceled i was like i need to leave bucharest so i flew i got a different flight flew to tel aviv and then flew back to New York from Tel Aviv and there was a bunch of people from birth right on who were like giving hand jobs under blankets and like moaning I was like on the plane yes it is oh my god that happened exactly on our flight out there's like Orthodox or like actually Jewish guys praying by the bathroom and then right next to that was two 16 yearyear-olds giving each other the driest handjobs where you could hear it.

Oh, boy. You could hear just shh, shh. It's like a Vina ad of like, dry skin. How early was that? Is that present day, Nicole, being like Israel? No. This is 2014. Yeah, I think this was

before I moved to LA so it was like 2011 ish yeah yeah 2010 2011 yeah it was truly wild also everybody in Romania was so little everyone was so short and everyone kept staring at me they were like

that's the biggest darkest person I've ever seen that's where you have were like, that's the biggest, darkest person I've ever seen. That's where you have your wall sex. That's where you want it. They're at the right angle. Uh-huh. That's the place to try it. Just small enough to climb in my pussy.

It is wild the jobs we took early on. I took some very bad jobs. Oh, yeah. What was one of your first jobs? Oh, the first job, like this is paying money. It was made by all the creators of Two and a Half Men, the biggest show at the time in 2012. Men, men, men, men, men, men, men, men, men.

What a song that has aged perfectly. And it was the first ever product placement sponsored show on Hulu. It was a sitcom that was heavily sponsored by Subway to the point where I'm like, hey, I'm sorry your mom died in that car accident. I wish everything was as easy as this meatball marinara. Dang it. Sangoo sauce.

It was that heavy. And we did a lot of behind the scenes stuff. And one of the behind-the-scenes things is Jared from Subway came to visit the set. Me being 20 and so eager to please and so excited to have a job that wasn't the eight restaurant jobs I had was saying anything and everything to the behind-the-scenes camera. Oh, boy. and everything to the behind the scenes camera. Oh boy. After the charges are announced against Jared from Subway

for some CP and now Jared is being sentenced to possessing child pornography. He's being sentenced. So it's well after it's public knowledge he's been proven guilty. There's still a video of me up on this show.

One of the behind the scenes uh really sweet talking jared i think what i said is it's so cool to have jared on set with our show i mean you go into every subway and you see him and jared is really the brad pitt of subway cut the clip that's really fucking funny that's really bad what a cosign he's the brad pit of subway that is so funny that's oh what a dream of a story wait do you have that footage no because i i regret this more than anything in my life. Even more than inviting that girl out here to stay with me for a week, even though we had no plans. It was that. Because I had to message.

Facebook was still a thing. I had to message one of the producers because everything had been scrubbed. There was no sign of Jared on any of the websites, any of the episodes of the show. We did four seasons. Oh, my God. Everything was scrubbed. We did four seasons. Oh my God. Everything was scrubbed of him. The one video that was up, anything of Jared was one,

like a conspiracy video of like, Jared has been running a ring. And then the other one was me saying, Jared from Subway is the Brad Pitt of Subway. Oh boy. So I messaged that and then like, oh my God, thank you so much for bringing this to

our attention and then they took it down that night and i hate myself for that because what for not screen recording it first i know that's so fucking funny you have a joke in your uh wait maybe it's not in your special maybe i saw it in your conan set but it's about going to cheer you wanted to go to football camp but then you ended up going to cheer camp and then i'm not doing the joke justice but it makes me laugh really hard we grew up very poor and it's a lot of kids so a lot of the times it's you are doing things just because your other siblings are also doing them you know it's not a great idea to see a r-rated movie but it's like everyone just do it so you get bats together and then one of the summers uh my two sisters wanted to go to this cheer camp and five minutes away at least in my

head it's probably exaggerated for comedy might be more like 15 but was a boys basketball camp and uh basketball then of course i wanted to go to because like boys do basketball and it's 1999 so there's hard gender lines it's not like now it's like you could be whatever you want you could you could be on a subway web series so i had to go to the cheer camp and was sentient enough to be like this is lame boys don't do cheer but then because i was smaller than all of the girls uh got thrust into a position i had to be the flyer which have you ever seen cheer on netflix uh-huh it's essentially the job you're getting tossed in the air it's always the smallest girl that, it's the safest to throw her up.

So that was me. So, impossible to lay low. I was essentially the face of the organization. And then eventually at the end of the summer, our,

like, treat, like the final talent show or whatever it was that we get to go up to the boys' basketball camp, the same exact one that I went to go to. And then cheer them on for a game.

And it went exactly as well as you could imagine. It's really funny. Were you always funny growing up? Or did you pretty early on, like if anyone's going to bully you, it's like, let me eight mile you. Let me say the worst thing about myself. I would, I guess I would make fun of myself before anybody else could. But also I was always like loud and friends with people.

So like, like I grew up around a bunch of white people. So people would be like, yeah, but you're not black, black. Or they'd be like, you're not fat,

fat. And I'm like, Oh, I mean, those are two things that I am. Am. So I don't really understand what you're saying. Yeah. And why are they framed as a negative?

You're not like. I don't know. Were you funny growing up? No, I mean, we weren't around anyone growing up. I was maybe funny with my siblings to break tension, but it wasn't for the greater good. It was just like i need attention because there's so many of us and then by the time i was 18 and everyone's asking you what are you going to do with your life i could barely read or write so i was like well the one thing i'm kind of good at and the thing i'm interested in is comedy so maybe if i start to develop that that

could possibly be something I could monetize. I think it's always bullshit when people say, I couldn't do anything else. Like, you could work at Taco Bell. Yeah, you could. You could, yeah. Yeah, you can take a job anywhere. I worked retail for a very long time.

Exactly. I thought I was going to be a manager of Elaine Bryant for a very long time until I was like, I can't work here anymore. I got to go. because you were good on the sales floor you're just insane oh i'm great my dad used to be like you could sell ice to a hot person i don't know what the phrasing is you could sell ice to a hot person yeah because i you could sell poppy bars like you know whiskey You can sell whiskey to a drunk.

I don't know. Whatever. I could sell, like, I was. A ketchup popsicle to a woman in white gloves. Yeah, there you go. But they would push this fucking credit card on people, this Lane Bryant credit card with this awful fucking interest rate. It was like, I don't know, 38% or something stupid.

And they'd be like like open up these credit cards and i was really good at getting women to open up these credit cards and then when i like learned about credit i was like what are we doing and i was like oh yeah creating debt so this company could keep going so then i would go hey do you want to save five percent and they go yes and i go if you don't pay this off today, you're not actually saving 5%, but you're going to lose money in the long run. So if you want the 5%, want the perks of the card,

but you have cash and you were going to pay with your debit card or your credit card, but you have a lower interest rate, open the credit card. It will ding your credit score. So if you're looking to buy something, I wouldn't do that today. Pay it off immediately.

And then I got in trouble. They were like, you can't tell them to pay it off immediately and i was like then i'm not gonna ask them to open the cards but i would always win contests because they wanted the is this 2007 by the way yeah oh of course but so you're partly responsible for the financial collapse just pushing credit on people that cannot afford it the gold buy this is what you get canceled for. This is it. They're like, we figured it out. It was Nicole Byrne, fucking Lane Bryant

that caused the fucking housing crisis. 38%. No, but I was trying to solve it. I was like, you gotta pay it off immediately. And if you aren't gonna pay it off, don't open that card. Well, that's exactly what I did because I grew up dog shit poor. So one of my scam jobs I had when I first moved here and if you aren't gonna pay it off don't open that card well that's exactly what i did because

i grew up dog shit poor so one of my scam jobs i had when i first moved here was selling beauty products on college campuses and i felt so shitty you you would have to cold open a girl and be excuse me do you go to salons because your hair is perfect and then And then you would sell them this scam package where they would get a discount at local salons and a beauty store. Like their version of Sephora. And I felt so shitty about it. This guy would pick us up in this dirty, dirty Mercedes. And he was like greasy hair. And he had like a lift. Which he had like a, like a lift,

which is like not a reason you shouldn't trust someone. But I just remember watching his mouth in the sun being like, it's like, you thought you'd do it. Excuse me, do you go to Thalant? And it was so creepy to approach college girls that way. And then, so by the time I finally got a sale, I threw it away. I purposely put the number in wrong and I threw away the correct one to turn it a fake one because I felt so shitty about the fact that it was a scam.

I mean, it is shitty and it doesn't feel good. Like I watched that documentary on LuLaRoe. Do you know about that? The leggings? No. row do you know about that the leggings so it's like a pyramid scheme where you buy a bunch of product and then you sell the product and you can make a ton of money but the way you actually make product or make money is by getting people under you to also sell the product and it became so widespread that these towns were just people selling product like how can you sell it if

eight people in the same development are doing the same thing as you that's like herbal life yeah that's herbal life yes it, it is herbal life. You're buying the inventory and the only people that are going to buy it is, I don't know, the one person that's not signed up. Is it leggings? Yeah.

Yeah, it was leggings, shitty leggings. And if you ever go to a thrift store, they're covered. They're just in every thrift store, so many. But like, I just don't understand scamming people. Like, that seems weird to be like i'm gonna get rich based on you having a bad time i guess it's capitalism baby and and in your head it's like it's not the worst thing because i'm getting them involved and they could sell to

other people but then you're that person which by the, this is a real piece of shit feeling I had very recently. But like someone you got turned down by in high school, them getting involved in a pyramid scheme and hitting you up is one of the greatest orgasms known to man. Oh, now you want to talk. Very funny. I'm sure it's happened to people. Have you had people come out of the woodwork, like as you have been more and more successful to people come out of the woodwork like as you have been more and more successful like come out of the woodroom moses oh my god how are you doing yeah yeah definitely there have been people uh that weird right people that i've not talked to in years and

years and it all starts with like hey long time so many moons since we've seen and then uh yeah you're waiting for like what's the what's the ask um because you're not doing that well i think when people see you like oh nicole you got a show netflix it's not it's not a night and day experience not the 90s where you've won the lottery i mean boy oh boy i'd love to time travel and get one job in the 90s right and you know and come back to now and just be so fucking rich the insane contracts and i think people's perception back home is that that is what's still happening and yeah it's not this new media scam new media is a word for we're not gonna pay you anything we. We're not going to pay you, Razzigis. We don't know how to figure that out. Oh, no.

It's just the old internet. It's who knows who goes on there. It is so wild. Yeah. Our union keeps arguing. Like, when new media contracts came out, like, in the beginning, they were like, it's not going to stick around. And then when it stuck around, our union wasn't like, pay us more. It was just like, we're just so thankful

to have these jobs, pay us whatever you want. But like the fucking writers get, we'll be like, well, strike, we don't need agents. And then agents were like, okay, we want you back. It's just, actors are so, I don't wanna say sad and desperate, but like. But there's so many people that will fill your job. I think writing is not alluring to people

because you have to do the work. Stand up is not alluring to people. Not anyone can do the work. Stand-up is not alluring to people. Not anyone can do it because you have to physically go down right. Go to a college in New Orleans where there's just the students that booked you. You're performing in front of. And you're in a weird conference room and you're going to bomb real hard. Under office lighting. And they haven't announced that a show is happening.

So it takes about 30 minutes for them to realize Nicole Byer is not doing announcements. She's talking about her life and what she thinks is funny. Have you been brought up by the college student that has, one, never spoken in front of people? Yes. Two,

will read your entire website bio. Whole thing. Whole Wikipedia page. Every lie you put on there from 2012 of like Sundance, submit E, Sundance watching filmmaker. Yeah. They say your name first

and then they say this whole thing. And for some reason, the last line in my bio was, and from the controversial Burger King commercial. So on a college campus, like, wait, what did he do? What did he do? What kind of whoppers was he shooting off? What's going on?

What did he say? What kind of makeup was he in? Yeah. That's fucking funny. What kind of makeup was he in? Yeah. That's fucking funny. One of the colleges, they thought it was a cute idea to spray paint my name on a mattress as a way to advertise.

And then if anyone's familiar with college campuses, that's where you spray paint. If you spray paint a mattress and you carry that around campus, that means someone was a victim of a crime that happened to them. Oh, no. Assault, sexual assault. So I was like, that is not cute even a little bit. Oh, no.

Can we think of another? And it was like, Moses Storm, last comic standing. I don't know why. I was like, can we not put it on anything

and not a mattress? That's fully fucking wild and very funny. I have a question yeah okay what advice would you give me to uh capture someone's heart to love me yeah right i it would be it's again going back to what we were. It is about finding that person for the other essentially 23 hours in 50 minutes of the day. So it's knowing that you want that and you know that sex and a good time is such a short part of a relationship. is such a short part of a relationship.

So it would be, one, allowing yourself to be okay with that, that not every single day with this person is the most exciting thing you've ever felt. And it's not this wild ride of like, will they, won't they? It's just allowing yourself to be like, no, it's fine, that this is just a person. And yeah, I don't know. You're the last person I've ever said, be yourself. Because even on stage, even during a special,

you are the most yourself that any comedian has ever been in their life. So it's not that. I think it's just about you not lowering your standards, but being okay with a different standard. Okay. All right. This is coming from someone, by the way, like, always see where the advice is coming from. This is from someone who got cheated on and then moved into an art exhibit that was laundering drug money.

So, not a grain of salt. But then went on one Tinder date and found love. Yes. So, you did something, right? But was not looking for it at all. Was not. Maybe that's what it's got to be. I got to just walk into the world, not looking for love.

But isn't that bullshit? Even by not looking for it, you are looking for it. Yeah. You can't have it until you don't want it. It's like, well, okay, let me not want it. And then you are, by the act of that, wanting it. Wanting it. It's impossible. You by the act of that, wanting it. Wanting it, yeah. It's impossible.

You have to really be at your wit's end with everything. Well, she's almost there. Okay, so Moses, this is the end. We did it. Thank you for doing it. Your special White Trash is streaming on HBO Max. Do you have anything else you want to promote your show just got picked up right uh yeah moving to new york for that uh trash white is on hbo max

it's the first time i've ever yeah because it's like a different kind of white trash you get it wait it's not white trash no it's the other way around i think i might have typed did i say trash white in your intro uh you said white trash but it it's fine. It's like the same words. No. It'll come up. It'll come up. It's fine. I'm now looking at it. I'm like, it definitely says trash white here.

And I just really flipped it. Dyslexia. This is all, it's all full circle. Boy, oh boy. That's it. Boy, oh boy, Moses. How awful. I'll be at Caroline's in New York.

I think it's like March 26th. I think that's the only thing by the time this comes out and then working on part two of the special because it leaves on a cliffhanger that's fun I'm going to watch it tonight I'm excited I should have watched it before but for whatever

reason I thought it came out in February oh no this comes out in February but you should know in the special I go after you. I'm uncomfortable with how much. It is a gotcha special. Oh, I can't fucking wait to see what you said about me and your trash white, trashy, mctrasherson-ness.

It's a roast. It's a roast. I pull up commercials from Israel. Look at this. Money monster. Look at this one commercial. Moses, thank you so much. If you like this episode of Why Won't You Date Me,

you can like it, you can rate it, you can subscribe on fucking Apple Podcasts or whatever. And if you write me something nasty to an email address, which is whywontyoudatemeatgmail.com, I will read it. This nice person, yeah, you got to hit on me and say something nasty. So this person said,

Ooh, baby, Nicole, I want to shove a can of whipped cream in your big, beautiful cheeks and have you clench them real hard until the whipped cream squirts out and onto my face while I'm eating your ass. Thank you. Or, yeah, ass has so many S's in it.

This person has never had sex before. Never even seen a video. The whipped cream goes where the pot is. And they truly think I'm more talented than I am. I don't think I'm trying to clench. I don't think I could make a whipped cream squirt with a clench. That's it. Bye-bye.

Bye-bye. That's it for Why Won't You Date Me with me, Nicole Byer. Why Won't You Date Me is produced and engineered by, oh, the sweetest woman I know, Marissa Melnick. It is executive produced by other wonderful people, Adam Sachs, Joanna Solotaroff, and Jeff Ross. Thanks for listening. I love you. Thank you so much. We'll be seeing you next Friday with a brand new episode. What a dream. What a dream. Ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha. This has been a Team Coco production.