Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Love, Lust, and Infatuation (w/ Baron Vaughn)

Episode Date: December 7, 2018

"Everyone is doing monogamy. And if you try to cram all those people into one door, someone is gonna get hurt."Baron Vaughn (Corporate, The New Negros) explains LOVE. What it is to be a love addict, and the differences on love, lust, and infatuation. He also shares his experiences being in non-monogamous relationships. Nicole addresses the recent reddit threads, explaining why her comedy is so dick-focused.Check out the New Negroes show on Comedy Central in 2019!You can play along and see Nicole's Tinder bio and photos on her Facebook page at: https://www.facebook.com/pg/NicoleByerComedyBe sure to rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Leave a dirty comment for a chance have it read on-air.Follow Nicole Byer:Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdatesTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerFacebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedy

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Oh baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast where I try to figure out, me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how and why I'm still single even though I will eat soup out of your butt and I hate soup! My guest today, you know him from Grace and Frankie, Corporate, Mystery Science Theater 3000.

Oh, and the New Negroes, which is coming to Comedy Central, and they have a live show at UCB. It's Baron Vaughn! Oh, hello. Hello, Nicole. Scooter bop bop bop, do do do do, boo boo boo! The irony is that all of that, I wrote it down and said, can you read this as my intro? And you nailed it. And you were really insistent and you kind of frightened me. Yeah.

And I felt like you were bullying me, Baron. But all I'm trying to do is teach you about Louis Armstrong. So it's like, and then all this scatting, do all that. I got all the scatting right, all the bee bop, ba-do-boop, do-doos. How was your Thanksgiving? Thanksgiving just happened. It did just happen. Mine was pretty good.

I went down to a little state called New Mexico. Wow. The state of my birth. And my little son, who is one. Yes, yes, yes. Met my father. Oh, that's nice. Who I met two years ago.

Yes, yes, yes. So now he's got a grandson. What a wild ride for your dad. Yes. To be like, I get a son, and now I get a grandson. Exactly. It's kind of like we instantly are family. I mean, we've always been blood related.

But knowing each other, totally different. I feel like that's the name of a show, Instant Family. Or maybe it's a movie. Oh my goodness, you're right. It's some Mark Wahlberg movie poster. Which, I mean, don't go see it. Mark Wahlberg is a piece of shit. He tried to murder a man.

Yes, he did. He's bad. He's a bad news bear. We shouldn't let these bad news bears make money. Is your mom, is she still living? Yes, my mom is in Las Vegas, Nevada. Oh, okay. Did not get to see her this Thanksgiving, no.

Just a little drop by by daddy? Yeah, in New Mexico. And then Rhiannon, who is my partner, my lady. My lady. I like that you say partner. Yeah. Are you married? We're not married.

We're engaged. We did it old fashioned. Are you married? We're not married. We're engaged. We did it old fashioned. Children first. Yes, yes, yes. Well, you got to learn if you're going to live well with a child. Yes, exactly. You know, instead of getting a dog, you got a kid. Basically.

Yeah. I'm not allergic to kids. There you go. I think I am. They're just too sticky. Yeah, they can be. They're so sticky. But it's up to you how sticky they get.

Dipping them in stuff to get them unsticky. The stick sauce, of course. Yeah. Wait a minute, what about your Thanksgiving? Oh, thank you for asking. I spent my Thanksgiving here in lovely, sunny Los Angeles, California. Correct pronunciation. Thank you. I'm just trying to, like. I went to a friend. Correct pronunciation. Thank you.

I'm just trying to like, I'm trying things out. I spent it with a bunch of comedians who perform at UCB. We had a little friendsgiving. Everybody made a dish. And then while we were eating, we were like,

huh, nobody fucked up. This is all pretty good. I made mac and cheese, which could have been a little cheesier. My bad. Note for next time. Yeah, note for next time. Maybe add like a dash more milk

and a little bit more cheese and I think it would be on point. And then I made Paula Deen's ooey gooey butter cake. I don't care that she's a racist because that cake is good. Call me what you want and fill my belly. There's a lot of racists that are amazing cooks. Most of the best barbecue I have ever had,

I'm sure was made by someone who hates that I'm eating it. Which is wild because it's just like, but like, isn't food feeding a soul? Yes. Why do you have to hate to feed a soul? I mean, there you go. I mean, Paula Deen. Paula.

I love this little moment that you have with Paula Deen. I love Paula Deen. She's like, just like this fat little marshmallow of a woman who's like, y'all, I'm going to make you something gooey and fattening, and you're going to pass away after you eat it. And then she's like. You're going to pass away? You're going to pass away?

Not even pass out. You're going to pass away, honey? You're going to pass away. You're going to straight up die. Death by chocolate, literally. And I love that about her. Okay. All right.

But she's so racist. Yeah. I mean, who's not these days i mean honestly as time ticks on it just seems that people are just getting bolder and bolder about their racism yeah i was in charleston south carolina i don't know if i told this story on the podcast yet but um we landed who's we we the plane we the people of the plane we the people of delta dl 642 to charleston wow good memory on the flight numbers oh yes and that flight number go ahead though nicole we landed and you know everyone stands up because everyone's very important on a plane of course no one can just

like leave like a civilized person so i was taking my luggage out of the overhead and it grazed this um this old man's ass and he turned around and he said are you trying to pickpocket me and i was like how is the racism beginning we just landed and nobody was like sir you can't do that i was the only black person up there and i was like it was a nice reminder of no matter how much money i make no matter where i sit on a plane, some old white man is going to be like, you black. You need to know you're black. You've never looked down and seen the black, so I'll tell you you're black. Have you ever flown first class and then had like an old racist person look at you?

This was in first class. Oh, see. This was in first class. How can you? I was like, sir, I'm literally sitting in front of you. Yeah, exactly. I'm trying to pickpocket you from this first class seat. What is happening?

I don't need to pickpocket you, sir. I do all right. I don't know if you're doing all right. Can you afford this ticket through nonstop pickpocketing? Have you just been stealing plane to plane? Are you the Jack Dawson of Delta? Or maybe he didn't steal in Titanic, but I feel like he just like ended up on adventures. Well, he's a ruffian.

Jack Dawson is basically, you know, he's Aladdin. He is Aladdin. Oh, my God. Refreshed street rat. I don't buy that. James Cameron whitewashed Aladdin and he turned the carpet into a ship. A ship that sunk everything. Yes.

Oh, thank God. Carpet and Aladdin acted a little bit better than Titanic. Carpet didn't do nothing wrong. Wait, what? Carpet? Carpet's his name in Aladdin. He doesn't have a name. His name is Carpet. I thought you were nicknaming Leonardo DiCaprio. I thought you were saying

Carpet. Talking about Carpet. Carpet from Aladdin.aming Leonardo DiCaprio. I thought you were saying like carpet. Talking about carpet. Carpet from Aladdin. Not Leonardo DiCaprio, but the carpet. Got you. Nope, just carpet from Aladdin. No, carpet's pretty good. It's wild that they didn't name carpet.

Abu has a name. Raja the tiger has a name. But carpet is just carpet. I mean, carpet can be carpet because there's probably not many living sentient carpets. Well, you don't know. That it has to compete with. You didn't get to see the rest of Agrabah. Oh, that's true. I have a deep knowledge.

You are. I'm like really pulling out. On that Agrabah tip. You're the personal Agrabah wiki right here. I guess so. Baron. Yes. So you are not single.

You have a partner. Yes. I like that you don't say girlfriend or fiance. I think partner is a nice, I think it's a grown up way of saying what it is. You're in a partnership. We're in a partnership. Yeah, exactly. We are in a partnership of a business or a company that we call our relationship.

Yes. That has ups and downs depending on the market. Yes. Of unresolved childhood issues. Has ups and downs depending on the market. Yes. Of unresolved childhood issues. Unresolved childhood issues are just like the stock market.

No one really understands them, but everyone's always talking about them. Honestly, do you do that joke on stage? I don't. It's pretty funny. I think that's a real nice nugget of an idea. I'll write that down then. Yeah, let that ruminate in your mind. Is that a word? Ruminate? Yes. Ruminate? Ruminate. I think you're thinking about reverberate. Reverberate. Like echo.

You're smart. I know a lot of words. You do, because you went to a good school? I went to theater school. Where did you go to theater school? Boston University. And then, oh, I thought, where were you just performing? Hartford, Connecticut. Yes, yes, yes. That's right. We talked about it right before I left. Yes.

I went to go do some Shakespeare. To Shakespeare. Yeah. And then Shakespeare for me is very hard. I think that, I mean, I have a lot of strong opinions about Shakespeare, which is, you know, very, very strange for a straight black man to be like, I have Shakespeare opinions, not on the curriculum. Here we go. But yeah, I think that we're taught about it wrong.

I think that we are taught Shakespeare badly, usually because we're taught Shakespeare in an English class. Yes. So then it becomes all about the words and the scan and like, but you, but all the storytelling, all the emotionality gets lost because shakespeare actually was not meant to be read it was only meant to be heard i fully agree with you because any production i've seen i've understood without having to be like wait what thy they who but like i understood the actions and what was happening. But reading it, you would read a page and you'd go, what?

You'd reread it and go, it still doesn't do it for me. Because it's a play and a play depends on the actors to interpret it and to make it make sense. So when you don't have that and it's all up to you sitting in your room with like looking at the clock, like it's 10 o'clock, I'm supposed to have this right by the morning okay let me see thou thee thee what the crap what how did it become 2 a.m and then it's just a stress ball over your head have you ever seen she's the man um she's the man yes i have it is 12th night it is 12th night yeah and it's a perfect movie is that rachel lee cook Cook? No, you better believe it's Amanda Bynes. Amanda Bynes.

And Channing Tatum. Right, right, right. Before he became Channing Tatum. Right. It's literally the perfect movie. Yeah. I've never tee-hee-hee'd or ha-ha-ha'd as much as I did watching that movie. And then there was that one 10 Things I Hate About You.

10 Things I Hate About You is Taming of the Shrew. O. O is obviously a fellow I was so happy they did O I was like thank you let's get Mekhi Pfeiffer some work let's have some black people where is

Mekhi Pfeiffer exactly where he go I don't know where do our black actors go where do black actors go where do black actors go he's probably just hanging out with his mom michelle his mom michelle yeah michelle oh my word what a treat what a far reach i loved. Those are my favorite kinds. Here's a question.

Yes. Did you ever do online dating? No. Wow. I didn't. I missed online dating. I mean, I met people through MySpace or Friendster that I ended up dating. What are you, 100 years old? I am 100 years old.

You cannot tell because black dough crack. Thank you. Thank you, Michael McDonald and Anita Baker on that one. That'll net out the assist right there. Yeah, no, I did not do it. Plus, I just, I don't know. I always, I don't look down on internet dating in any sort of way.

You can. It's awful. Well, I think that it's like anything else. It works for some people and it doesn't work for other people. So anytime there's something that's a sensation that everyone's like, it's the way,

I am automatically suspicious. Oh, okay. But like anything, like meeting people in a bar is also a fraught territory. Yeah, but I will say meeting someone in a bar, you know right off the bat whether you want

to speak to them more than 30 seconds or not. On an app, you can get fooled with words because people aren't meant to be read. They're meant to be heard. No, Matt, you're right.

You're right. I was just calling it back straight back. Your version was better. I was like, on're right. You're right. I was just calling it back straight back. No, no. Your version was better. It was a good callback. But I was like on to something. No, I know a lot of people who are married that met people online. People keep telling me it happens. Oh, yeah.

And I keep hearing these studies about like, you know, I hear in the culture, if you will, that people be lying on lying. that people be lying on lying. But I also hear that a lot of people are very honest in their online profiles because they're there to actually meet someone. Yeah. Depending on, of course, the site. Some sites are about hooking up, it seems. Some sites are about hooking up with more than three people at a time. Oh, I've only heard of three some sites.

Oh, no, no. There's orgy sites? Probably. I think I'd get confused in an or no. There's orgy sites? Probably. I think I'd get confused in an orgy. Yeah, orgy.org. Orgy.org at orgy.org. It's very confusing.

So confusing. Very hard to log on. But if you can get the website and you can handle all those parts simultaneously, that's the test. I think during an orgy, I have ADD,

I think I would just be like sucking a dick and then being like, well, I better munch on that puss. Or maybe I'll honk on them titties. Someone's booty needs something? Did you ever play sports, Nicole? Yes, but barely.

Do you think too much on the court or the field? So, I played soccer only for one game, and I realized how much running there was, so I sat right down on the half-field line and said, this is more than I signed up for. You definitely would think too much through an orgy then.

Definitely. And then basketball, I could master defense. I was really good at boxing out or like boxing girls out and like not letting them get the ball. Cause I have a very big butt. And, uh,

yeah. And then like offense, I was like, I don't know what I'm doing with these hands. So basketball was very hard for me. And also, more running than I signed up for. Sports, nobody tells you. Sports is mostly running.

Yeah, so you live more in your head, if you will. I think I do. Than you do in your body. I think I am a heady person. Then that definitely orgies might not be for you. I guess not, because I'm taking pole dancing classes right now. Oh. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I didn't know that song was about stripping until maybe two years ago. And I sang it all the time as a little girl, and I was confused as to why she was taking credit cards. I was like, maybe she's collecting. I don't know. Half of pop music is about stripping. People don't realize this. Yeah, it's like stripping and sex and love,, I was like, maybe she's collecting. I don't know. Half of pop music is about stripping. People don't realize this. Yeah.

It's like stripping and sex and love. And I'm like, I guess it is important. Infatuation. Yes. No, not necessarily the same as love. You are correct. Which is an important thing. It's hard to distinguish, I think.

Well, I think also, and this is my personal weird conspiracy theory. I think that we have turned, as a culture, the idea of love into a drug. And that we treat it as a drug because most of the people who we have heard or read define love for us are love addicts. I think we've had a lot of

addicts define the sensation of love and conflate that with infatuation. Interesting. And lust and other ephemeral temporary emotions. Oh, good. Ephemeral. Yes.

That's a good ass word. You're welcome. What does it mean? It means fleeting. It means momentary. Quick. What do you think the differences are between love, lust, and infatuation? Well, infatuation, I think, is the – that's the – what's it called?

The dopamine. That's like the endorphins. That's the new, fresh feeling of like, oh, my goodness, I like somebody. Or I have these feelings. You're attracted to someone. And it's just this kind of chemical reaction, which is different than, and that's a feeling that's based on novelty a lot of the time, newness, freshness, and that's different than the feeling of sustained emotionality.

Okay. That's why I think a lot of people get into relationships with someone that they feel all those chemical feelings for. And then after a while, when those chemical feelings wear off it's like oh i don't actually like you you leave your socks on the ground you you know just all these habits all these things that are i call it column b column a is love do i like this person yes and a lot of times we will substitute column a for column b column b is the practical shit. Do they have a job? Do they live with their mom? Do they have a car?

Are they a responsible person? Are they mean? You know, all these things. So a lot of the times we will substitute column A because we think that's all we need. But sometimes that practical stuff, column B, is also very important. And so love, if you will, is the attempt to bridge the gap between column a and column b i'm making it up as i go i mean it's all really making sense to me and i was about to be like do you go to therapy of course i go to therapy okay yeah yeah this it all that makes a lot of

sense and i never thought of because i used mean, I've said it up until now. I'm like, I fall in love very quick. Yes. But I think it's, I get infatuated very quickly at the idea that I might fall in love with somebody. Yes. That's a, that's definitely a possibility. And then to have been with somebody, like I was in a long distance relationship for a couple of years. This person lived in a different country.

Oh, dang. And when we saw each other, we saw each other for 10 days. And it would be months in between we saw each other again. If we ever, we found out, if we went past 10 days, oh, those cracks started to show. Oh, no. You know what? You're kind of annoying. Like just kind of, you do some things that I don't care for, which we figured out, like,

you know, around the time that we broke up, like, you know, we wouldn't have worked if we lived in the same city and we saw each other every day. Where did you meet? In New York. Through Naomi Ekperigen, actually. Oh, what a treat. Yeah. I've been trying to get her on the cast.

Is that what people call it? On the pod? On the pod, yeah. I like getting her on the cast better. I want to get her on the cast. She that what people call it? On the pod? On the pod, yeah. I like getting her on the cast better. I want to get her on the cast. She's so funny. Yes, I love her. I hate following her at shows.

She's so... I hate following both of y'all. Thank you. There are some people I really, truly hate following. Oh, yes. Because they talk our audiences out. Oh, yes, yes, yes. And they might be listening and laughing at you, but it's not loud.

And they might be happy with what you're doing but they're just like well that person before took everything i had yeah basically oh i understand that that's also another thing that stand-up comedians have we have that competitive thing yes since we didn't play sports maybe yeah we didn't compete in our bodies so we compete with other people in our heads. And it's like, not a competition. You're fucking fine. And I think that that kind of mentality, if you will, that kind of training, spills over. Into relationships.

Into relationships. You want to win them all. Like Pokemon, we gotta catch them all. Gotta catch them all. Gotta catch all them dicks. Pokemon. We gotta catch them all. Gotta catch all damn dicks. I just read a

Reddit post, a thread, if you will, about how I talk about dicks too much. Wait, I'm sorry. It was a Reddit thread dedicated to you talking about dicks? So the person who wrote it ended up deleting their original comment.

But then there's like a whole conversation about how I am creepy and I talk too much about dicks. And if I was a dude, it wouldn't be allowed. And I was just like, maybe I should talk about dicks less. wouldn't be allowed and i was just like maybe i should talk about dicks less but then i was like no the whole reason i do is because i used to work a comedy show before i started doing comedy and it was always a bunch of dudes in the lineup talking about women and what they looked like in the most disparaging way so i was like i'll do that I'll just shit on some dicks. Why not? Why can't a woman do it? And I never, ever saw a woman do that.

And then I watched like the Queens of Comedy and I loved the way they talked about men. So if you're a listening man who wrote that Reddit post and then deleted it because you're a little coward, go fuck yourself. Like a whole conversation about it. And then they were like, do you know John Gabrus? Yes.

They were like, she asked to see Gabrus' dick, and I wonder if he's traumatized. And I was like, what? He's one of my dear friends, and I absolutely knew he wouldn't show it to me. That's interesting I asked because I knew the answer was no and it was specifically during this his high and mighty podcast and

so I was like let me see a dick and then I went to the audience was like let me see a dick and then Nick Weiger was like I think the problem with you asking to see a dick is men don't want to be asked. They just want to show you. And I was like, why wasn't that little quote put in that little Reddit thread?

That's very funny. That's the real fucking problem. Not me asking to see one consensually. The ones that are being solicited unconsensually. I just needed to talk about that because it made me annoyed. Eventually. I just needed to talk about that because it made me annoyed. I mean, that's a really interesting point, you know, because that is a thing that men, we like to, or we're taught to impose ourselves, if you will, take over a space.

So when someone's like, would you like to enter? It's like, I only want to go in there if I'm forcing it. How dare you allow it? Men don't understand vampire rules. That is true. Men should become vampires. You need to be invited before you enter. Vampires are stories about consent, aren't they? You have to ask to enter.

Yes. And then they bite you. Dracula's like, I want to suck your blood. Yes, he says, I want to. And then you go, well, like, I don't. But then he just does it sometimes. I told you. I told you. I said if I come in there. I want to. And then you go, well, like, I don't. But then he just does it sometimes. I told you. I told you.

I said if I come in there, I'm going to suck your blood. I don't even know what this accent is. Baron. Yeah. We have to take a break. Oh. And we're back. What a fun break. I feel insane. I just got off a plane. And we're back! Do-do-do! Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo!

What a fun break! I feel insane. I just got off a plane. That's my favorite kind of insane. You're loopy. You're airplane loopy. Yes, just like airplane loopy. I slept for most of the flight, except I woke up when they were serving food.

Oh. And I was like, I want food. And she's like, what do you want, honey? I got a broccoli cheesy thing with egg. And I was like I want food and she's like what do you want honey I got a broccoli cheesy thing with egg and I was like that sounds gross and she's like oh I got some oatmeal and I was like that sounds dry what good things do you have

she's like a bagel so then I had a bagel which was nice how was it it was a pretty good bagel they toasted it this time sometimes they don't toast it and I'm like delta Delta, the fuck? Why would you give someone a dry-ass, non-toasted bagel? That is true. Why even offer it?

Right? You're like, offer me a fucking rock. Toast it so it's crunchy and nice and warm. Did you smell the smell of toast throughout the entire plane? Or did they contain it? A little bit. So, okay. toast throughout the entire plane um or do they contain it so okay what happens is if you sit in economy plus you get the wafts of the food smells from first class and you go i'm almost there i

could be up there but when you're all the way in the back you're just like it smells like children and shit that is a a fantastic metaphor for wealth discrepancy in the United States and America. Upper class, that's the upper class, middle class, and lower class, right? Yeah, man, it's wild in these streets. It's crazy that there's a class system in the sky. Oh, yeah. And there is a class system

in the ground, but it's not verbalized. Nobody's like, where are the first class people crossing the street oh that'd be funny star one you can cross the street star alliance global alliance global you can now cross and now crossing group five and now the crossing has ended and group five has to stay here for another round but that's my impersonation of that person. But. But I wanted. Okay.

What were we talking about? We were talking about. Yeah. Girl. I don't know. Was it about what is love? Baby don't hurt me.

Baby don't hurt me. What is love? No more. So you dated someone who lived in a different country and how many years was that? It's like five years. Wow.

Yeah. That is a long time. Right. We weren't monogamous though. Oh, years. Wow. Yeah. That is a long time. Right. We weren't monogamous though. Oh, okay. That's helpful. That is very helpful.

How did, did that ever create jealousy? No. Why? Well, jealousy is a very complex emotion. Okay. Jealousy, I've read a lot about jealousy. Okay. So jealousy and envy get confused for each other.

They're very different. Oh, man. You're bringing me lots of words that I think are interchangeable. So what is the difference between jealousy and envy? I'm glad you asked, Nicole. Oh, thank you. So envy is wanting something that someone has and you know what that thing is. George got a boat. Oh, man, I want a boat. Nicole went to Greece. Oh, I want to go to Greece. That's envy. People go like, you went to Greece? I'm so jealous.

That's not what jealousy is. That's usually envy. Jealousy is the feeling that something you believe is yours is going to be taken from you. That is jealousy. is yours is going to be taken from you. Oh. That is jealousy. The fear of losing something you believe is yours. Okay. Now, I say something and you believe is yours because this is a feeling that happens a lot in relationships because people don't want their partner to be poached, if you will.

So that jealousy stuff kicks in. And the difference between jealousy and envy is that with envy, you know what the thing to be poached, if you will, so that jealousy stuff kicks in. And the difference between jealousy and envy is that with envy, you know what the thing is. It's a boat. It's a trip to Greece. Jealousy, you don't actually have to have any idea of who it is you are jealous of. You could be dating someone who has a coworker, for instance,

that you've literally never seen. But you might go, you know, they talk about that worker too much. They talk about that person a lot. Do they like that person? Oh, you're going over to, you know, like just kind of, that's what jealousy does is it sort of is almost like a miniature insane feeling, a miniature insanity that your certainty, your fear, if you will, it's a fear-based emotion. Your fear consumes you as to believing that something is going to be taken from you or someone is going to be taken from you. And so you don't want that to happen. But it's with very little regard to how the other person feels about it. Jealousy makes your partner an object.

That's my feeling uh i think that's i it sounds correct you speak with such authority that i am eating this up i'm theorizing but i've also read a lot about it i do so i'm like psychologists and crap i'm quoting them i'm just not saying who fair you don't want to give some credit no but yeah i guess if you you're scared someone's going to take your thing away that does mean that you're putting ownership and making your partner a thing and here's the other step to it so there's an article that i am basing some of this on. It's called Jealousy Loves Destroyer. This is a Psychology Today article from like 2011 or something. So this psychologist, I think a French woman, said that jealousy is in fact an identity crisis. Oh.

Because you believe that you are you and this person being your person is part of what makes you you. So if that person is taken from you then who are you oh wow i mean that's it makes a lot of sense you weren't ready for this no you're like i just got off a plane i got off a plane i i i was i feel crazy i've only had a bagel No that I like that Because that means in order for you to Enter a relationship you have to be a whole Person so you're not

Looking for someone to complete you So when and if inevitably they leave you Because everybody will leave someone at some point You have to still Remain a whole person Now when I was in high school this is kind of when I started Thinking about this crap will leave someone at some point, you have to still remain a whole person. Now, when I was in high school, this is kind of when I started thinking about this crap. And my first girlfriend was like dumping me.

And I was mad and upset and all these things. But I also watch television and movies. Why do people get killed on Law & Order? Jealousy. Yes. Why do people drive from Texas to Florida in an adult diaper to kidnap somebody? Jealousy. They say that jealousy is the number one cause of murder in the world. So when we're watching Law & Order, which is middle-of-the-line television, someone's gotten murdered.

They have to convince us, the audience, of a reason that someone got murdered. We always believe three things. Money, power, and jealousy. Those are the three things. I'm like, wow, people kill each other. How can you love someone and then be like, I don't like what you did. Stab. Why would you murder someone you love?

And I guess jealousy is so powerful. It's a very, very powerful feeling. And I guess jealousy is so powerful. It's a very, very powerful feeling. That it distorts your brain into thinking, well, this person was taken away from me. I don't want anyone else to have them, so I'll kill them. Basically. That's basically right.

Which is an insane thing. And that's identity crisis. Yes, absolutely. Right? I can't imagine killing someone. So I was like, well, I don't want to kill anyone. What is the point of jealousy outside of the fact that it drives me crazy? The other person doesn't even know I feel this feeling. It actually has no bearing over what they will or won't do. And it's actually none of my business what they will or won't do, because if they want to break

up with me, it's over. There's nothing I can do or say to make them stay in a place they don't want to be. So why, why strangle them? Right. And this is where I got to like being like, well then what is the point of monogamy as well? I mean,

are you in a monogamous relationship now? I am. Yes. What's the point of monogamy? I mean, I'm in one. Well, here's the thing about monogamy. It's something that you agree to. Yes.

Right? Just like anything. So to automatically assume that the other person shares the exact same values as you without a discussion about it is kind of like you're setting yourself up because people have very different ideas of what they want out of a relationship but once you get into a relationship you and the person you're in a relationship with have to agree on what the hell that relationship is going to look like and feel like you can't just put a bunch of assumed universals on some shit and then and then think it's going to go your way when did you have your talk about monogamy with your current partner um a couple years ago were you non-monogamous before you became monogamous

yes ah were you in the same state yes i've been in a handful of quote-unquote non-monogamous relationships and like like anything some were great some were horrible it really depended on how much work i was doing on myself yes and if i could be clear about what i wanted and when i wasn't it would go to shizzle dizzles i've never been in a monogamous relationship but i've never been in a like non-monogamous where we were like we're both okay with it i've been in like where i've said i would like to just be fucking you and he was like cool and then that didn't happen and i was like well that's on me i should leave this, but I didn't. And then now I keep toying with the idea. I actually don't know what I want.

I just know that sometimes my thoughts will wander, and I'm like, he's probably fucking somebody else, and maybe he doesn't like me as much. And I think I'm not secure with I'm enough for someone, and they also might want to just fuck somebody else, but also come back to me. Yes, that's exactly yes I think I'm scared that somebody's gonna fuck somebody and then go oh that puss is better I'm gonna stay with that one this one's dumpster puss I don't want it well I mean that's a matter of chemistry right yeah someone said to me there's no such thing as good

pussy or bad pussy there's just chemistry oh yeah so it's like any person you know so if someone has better chemistry with somebody else that doesn't necessarily mean that they have a better um psychological or emotional connection with somebody else you see what i'm saying what all these things aren't mutually exclusive yes Yes. Is what I'm saying. That's where, I mean, look, I think that, I don't think that non-monogamy, if you will, or polyamory is good or bad. I think it depends on who's doing it. Yes. Same with monogamy.

Yes. It's just that everyone is doing monogamy. Yes. And if you try to scram all those people into one door, some people are going to get hurt. Uh-huh. It's a stampede. That is a stampede and that's how Mufasa passed away. Hey! Spoilers! There's a whole generation that does not know this movie.

I mean, which is wild. Everyone should just watch the cartoon. I can't believe they're doing a live action one. I don't think I'm here for it. Also, is it live action? It's not. It's a cartoon. When you have animated the face of a lion. It's still a cartoon, right? They didn't use real lions. No, they didn't.

They should have. I mean, they probably did use real lions. I actually don't know enough about it, but they definitely digitized faces. To me, it does not look like they're real lions. I want to see a National Geographic, just them wandering around with voiceover but action that's what a live action lion king should be as long as it's the honey badger this is nonsense but uh james earl jones is speaking so cool i um i toy with the fact that i'm like but also i think what i'm doing is planning too far ahead well yeah, yeah, I mean, it is a kind of a moment to moment thing.

And it also depends on where you are in your life. Yeah. So now I actually want to be in a monogamous relationship. That's why it's not a big deal for me. I'm not like, oh, I got to be, you know, so it's like, and sometimes I feel like that, but I know that the person I'm with, this is what we have agreed to do. And I have reaped endless benefits, if you will, from agreeing to that. So I want to stay this way.

I think in my little planning brain, I'm like, okay, I'd like to be in a monogamous relationship, but I am away a lot. So if I do get into a relationship when I'm gone you can have sex with whoever you want and then I think I'm like oh I think I'm trying to overcompensate for being gone so much well but you know Nicole what you just said is actually a legitimate thing because if you were with someone

and you say that to them you know what they're gonna say what exactly you don't know what they're gonna say oh wow you did that you have to say what exactly you don't know what they're gonna say oh wow but you have to you have to say what you want yes and you have to say what you need and then it's a freaking negotiation oh it's just so scary telling somebody damn right it's scary it's the scariest thing relationships are so terrifying and movies don't tell you that because they're over in two hours and love is so wonderful.

And then you're sad when you break up. And then it's like, but what about all the parts where you're sitting in your house being like, should I text him? I don't want to. My therapist told me not to.

I mean, and that's the thing about a lot of movies, especially rom-coms, are about the beginnings of relationships. They're not necessarily about how to sustain a relationship. It's kind of how to find the one relationship you believe you want to be in. Mm-hmm. I actually used to live in a building where my roommate, this was in Queens back in New York,

basically it was almost like a romantic comedy situation. Mm-hmm. There was a girl downstairs who he thought was the most beautiful woman in the world and he was like obsessed with her and just like did you see her today oh she's so hot i'm like all right i don't i just calm everything down but then eventually one day i came home and they were like kissing on the couch i'm like whoa this is a rom-com that happened and then it went south and then for the rest of the year, he was like, what? She's a bitch.

I'm like, this is the sequel to the rom-com. Never date someone that lives in your building. Because then it blew up. He hated her. I got to hear him be obsessed and in love with her for a year. Date her for three months. And then for another year, be like, I hate her. I got to hear him be obsessed and in love with her for a year. Date her for three months. Oh, baby. And then for another year be like, I hate her.

That sucks for your ears. And I'm like, well, this is why you don't do this. Great in a movie. I dated a dude who lived across the street from me, which was very convenient for dick appointments. Hey. Very convenient. The DAs. Because, you know, you get a text i say i'd be ready in 30 minutes

and then i hop my happy ass across the street oh it was perfect and then i leave right after i come it was the best situation once i got really really drunk at a bar then we were walking he was walking me home he was like do you want to come over and i was like sure and then he was like nicole you were too drunk to do anything you basically just rolled around in my bed screaming i was like wow i'm a keeper so then he was like i said to you let's just go to bed and you said okay and then he said something to me and i woke up and i was like i have to go they're here and he was like who woke up and I was like, I have to go. They're here. And he was like, who is here? And I was like, I gotta go. So I fled his house.

Yeah. Okay. With no shoes on. Yes. All right. With, I think, a vest on and just my bra, no shirt and my leggings. And he could have tried harder to get me to come back inside because he said all he did was go lean out the window and go hey nicole your shoes and then i didn't have my bag or my keys because

i left it all in his house because i was trying to escape somebody and i went to my front door and was like here i don't have my purse they took my purse i don't still don't know who they are so then i was like okay let me figure out how to get in the back of my building so there was like a waste level like concrete cement fancy thing so i barrel rolled over that get to my the back of my apartment building and i was on the ground floor so i climbed through like our fire escapee gate thing and then i was like i still don't have keys to get in so then i started banging on the side like sliding last door with a shovel and then my roommate at the time tom woke up and he was like what are you doing oh and at that

point my wig had fallen off he was like so you're like bald-headed and naked banging on our back door wow yeah what is happening and i was like hey we all make mistakes. And then he let me in. And then I woke up the next morning and I was like, I'm really sorry. He was like, I mean, it's fine. And then the boy had to email me because I didn't have my phone or anything. It was like, all of your things are here. Every single thing you've ever owned. Your high school diploma. I don't know why.

Your high school diploma. Your baby shoes. Your birth certificate. Your teeth that your mother saved. and then high school diploma i don't know why high school diploma your baby shoes certificate your your teeth that your mother saved uh which is so weird that my mom saved my teeth anywho um so i was like crossing the street to go back to his house and my friend was at her boyfriend's house who lived down the street she was like are you okay and i was like do i not look okay she's like you look terrible i was like i need to go get my stuff she was like, do I not look okay? She's like, you look terrible. I was like, I need to go get my stuff. She was like, I'll walk you across the street.

And then he wasn't expecting her because he opened the door naked. And I was like, oh, no, this is bad. Oh, wow. Wow. Well, thank you for telling me the story that is the answer to the question of the title of this podcast. I was wondering if I would hear it. Yeah, and that might be why i'm single i lost my mind early in my 20s i drank so much i think it's because i was just dealing with the death of

me parents and i think my way of dealing with it was to rebel against any good thing they taught me like be a normal human being like my I have a tattoo on my leg that says do the right thing because my dad would constantly say it to me because I was a little bit of a troublemaker and then when I got like I think it was like 25 26 I got a tattoo to my leg so I could look at it a lot so just so like when I lost my mind, sometimes I would just look at it and be like, do the right thing. You're not doing the right thing. You need to clean up a little bit.

But now I think I've cleaned up a bit. Okay. So you would proclaim yourself wild in your 20s. Yes, awful. And you're saying you're dealing with the death of your parents. Yeah. Therefore, I would assume

that there's a little bit of needing to numb. Yeah. Yeah, I didn't that there's a little bit of needing to numb. Yeah. Yeah, I didn't want to feel things. I didn't get into therapy until two years ago. Like, consistent therapy. I didn't have any money. Didn't have any insurance. That's the worst thing about therapy.

Yeah, but you have to pay to get fucking help. People who can't afford therapy need therapy yeah and then also coming from you know a black family yeah therapies pretty much look down upon like anytime i said i wanted to get in therapy they'd be like why yeah i'm like i don't know yeah that's what i pray and it's like well praying you're alone and you're speaking out alone and then if you have bad thoughts in your brain you're alone. And you're speaking out alone. And then if you have bad thoughts in your brain, you're alone with those bad thoughts. And, yeah, like praying, I do pray sometimes. A lot of times it's because I want something. Was that St. Michael or somebody?

I don't know. The patron saint of lost shit, St. Anthony? I don't know. All right, somebody who's Catholic, email Nicole. Email me at bakingcansave at gmail.com and let't know. The patron saint of lost shit, St. Anthony? I don't know. All right, somebody who's Catholic, email Nicole. Email me at bakingcansave at gmail.com and let me know who the saint is of finding shit. But yeah, getting into therapy was like super helpful because I just, I never thought I had daddy issues until we talked about things. And I was like, oh, I fully have daddy issues until we talked about things and i was like oh i fully have daddy issues i'm constantly trying to please men because i spent years trying to please my dad and now he's gone and then i'm

like am i pleasing him now probably locked in a cycle yeah if you're a sisyphean loop oh that's a good one too sisyphean yeah who's that who's she's Sisyphean? Sisyphus' old Greek myth about somebody who's doomed afterlife was to push a rock up a hill. And every time they almost got to the top of the hill it would roll back down. They'd have to start all over. And that's eternity

for this person. And he knows he has to do that or is he choosing? I forget the details. Because I would say you know what? I live on this rock at the bottom. You can come to my dinner party on the rock. We staying at the bottom of the hill. That's right. Just call me hard place.

We started from the bottom and we staying here. But I think that, you know, like you seem like you already have a lot of like ideas of things that you might be repeating or stuck on yeah getting your way yeah and i'm trying very hard to like get all that out of the way but it's hard it's uh yeah and it takes as long as it takes no pressure right yeah that's the thing i have to remind myself like why aren't i fixed like why aren't I good yet? And my therapist is always like, it's not about fixing you. It's about accepting who you are and making maybe a better choice. But if you don't make that better choice, understanding why you made a choice.

Mary is a wonderful person. People keep asking her to be on my podcast. I'm like, I think it's unethical. I don't think she can be on a podcast. Anonymous. Yeah, that kind of stuff. I probably shouldn't say her name. Well, you didn't say her last name. Sure didn't and I won't because she's mines.

And I would be jealous if she was like, I have too many clients. I can't see you anymore! Because she just got Venmo and I was like, huh, huh, Mary. Wow. I don't have to write you checks no took you forever to get a therapist then a therapist that takes venmo that's a double great that's a double day yeah i love it she's my friend on venmo oh my goodness do you do you are your payments public

or private private all my payments are private payments well what happened was it was just my name and then i guess high school kids or kids started requesting dollars from me and I was like, I don't. Stop. Please don't do that. Yeah, it's a little tough. Wow, that's a weird price of celebrity right there. Yeah, I feel like

I'm not a celebrity. I'm mildly successful. No, we're both mildly successful. Yes. But you also are, you're out there, if you will. Yeah. You're on the internet. You've got a great podcast. Thank you.

So it makes sense that you would have people listening to podcasts, watching the Twitters, watching the Instas, watching the snaps, being like, well, I could just ask that woman for money. We don't snap anymore, Barron. Snapchat's over. Actually, I don't know. Okay, watching the per I could just ask that woman for money. We don't snap anymore, Barron. Snapchat's over. Actually, I don't know. Okay, watching the periscopes. Do you snap?

Do you snap? No. I signed up for it for a little bit and then I got rid of it. It was too much. I'm done with these filters. I matched with this guy who off the bat knew who I was and said it like three lines in. He was just like, is it weird that I know who you are? And I was like, no, it's not weird.

The only weird thing is people have like expectation. He's like, so our date's not going to be like an episode of Nailed It? And I was like, I know you were trying to be funny, but. Well, I'm scared of what he was expecting. You're not the first person to make you. To like say that. Yeah. Here's the sex.

You're like, ooh, it's messed the sex you're like oh yeah i'm like oh great it's not like that picture uh i don't know what people expect me to say when they make nailed it people love just screaming nailed it at me too and then i always have to wonder i'm like would you have swiped yes on me if you didn't know who I was. Oh, Nicole. See, now this is the minor celebrity thing. Yeah. Because I have similar issues, I guess, sometimes. I can't tell who is it that is just trying to be my friend for real or thinks that I

am a doorway to something else or just some access to something else. Yes. So that's a hard thing to kind of be to have to be i guess eternally suspicious to some people and be like it feels it's i feel like it's making me a little crazy probably uh you already got trust issues i do i i feel like i feel like everybody in my life is gonna leave leave me at some point. Ooh, Nicole. And they will. Where's your inner child? I need to give this child a hug.

Well, my child was dealing with the death of her mother at 16. Yeah, that's powerful. A father who was not distant. I feel like most men kind of remove themselves from a girl's teenage years, if you will. Yeah. And then they just become this like overprotective person who's like a parody of a man. And then they're like not in that. Like, I remember one time I was like, I need tampons.

I'm bleeding all over the couch. And my dad was like, we got to get your tampons. And my sister was like, well, go get them. And he's like, I can't get them. I was like, but you could. So it was just like very just. Well, we're not taught, and it doesn't seem like culture has been interested in teaching men to express ourselves. Yeah.

In any other way besides like some sort of like toughness or machismo. sort of like toughness or machismo we were constantly we're all of our faculties are engaged in doing the performance of manliness the performance of masculinity that there's no room yeah for any other information or ways to deal with things yeah i remember i would be like i love you daddy and he'd go okay oh man literally man uh-huh that's a man right there although i knew when i like made him laugh like there was some love there yeah my favorite thing to do was probably why you're a comedian hey maybe no that's exactly why you're kidding. Because the way I found affection from my family was through laughter. Yeah, I mean, yeah, my grandmother, anytime I made her laugh, she would go, oh, you tickle me. And she also never said I love you. So I was like, so when you.

Now, where's your family from again? Chicago. Okay, Midwesterners. From Barbados. Oh, okay. Island to Midwest. They be from the island. And they don't talk like that.

Thank you for giving us an example of what's not happening. This is, let's see, what does my granny sound like? Oh, Nicole. You tickle me. Oh, she has a little accent. A slight accent. Very, very slight. Barbados, you said?

Oh, okay. So it's like Rihanna, since we say it wrong, light. Yes, I get that. Okay, interesting. So then, I mean, I have a similar-ish kind of thing, I guess. It's almost kind of sometimes a black thing, I guess you could say, where it's sort of like, you know, we're already talking about how therapy wasn't an option, if you will. It took me a long time to get over whatever racial baggage I had about therapy as well. I used to just say the thing for white people?

But I'm not white. But white people's getting help. We could get help too. Exactly. So everybody who's been through some sort of trauma needs therapy. And it wasn't until actually an old Richard Pryor joke where he actually said something about like, we like we black people need therapy after all the shit we've been through and i was like what richard pryor said it i guess i could go now i guess i could go now

i mean i yeah it is wild that it takes sometimes um just like a person who's a public figure who you look up to to be like, I got help and so can you. Basically. Basically. Because you need to see that's what representation is, right? You see someone that looks like you doing it. You're like, oh, it's not weird if I do it. I could do that. Yeah, I started taking ADD medication.

I told my uncle and he was like, you don't need that. And I was like, Oh, well, it's been accidentally helpful to my life and my career. It makes standup easier because before I couldn't do my set without having my list next to me. And I was like, it's a crutch, but it wasn't a crutch.

I would get lost 30 minutes in. Oh, interesting. And I'd be like, I don't know if I did this already. So I would spend shows sometimes going in. Oh, interesting. And I'd be like, I don't know if I did this already. So I would spend shows sometimes going, did I say this? And I'd be like, no.

And I'd be like, oh, okay. So it just seemed like I was loopy or unprepared. So then I started taking my medicine and was like, oh, I've done this act a hundred times. I know what's happening. I know, okay, I haven't done the Lane Bryant joke. Okay, so let's do that here. Okay, you didn't do your kids.

Oh, we didn't put it. It makes sense here. I can think on my feet way more. And I didn't need it for acting specifically because I was, acting is responding. It's listening and response. Being in the moment. It's being in the moment.

So it's hard to get lost in a four-page scene that you're shooting where you're responding to your scene partner because if it's written well you're the response makes sense yes so it was very confusing and when i started taking i was like maybe i won't take it for shows because like i want to be like wild nicole you know like on like moment. But then I was like, oh, no, I am still in the moment. It just really helps me focus. And I try to talk about taking medication more because I feel like people are like, it changes who you are. And it's like, no, it doesn't. It just it honestly just focuses me just a little bit more.

Yeah, that's interesting. I think everything changes who you are. Okay. You could take no medication, you know, be in a car accident, and that's going to change who you are. You could take no medication and get slapped by someone you love when you were a child, and that's going to change who you are. So everything is, if we're pinballs, you know,

so everything's going to change our direction. Were you spanked as a child? Oh, yeah. I just read this thing. By old black Southern Baptists. Yeah, I was spanked too. Who made me go get a switch off the damn tree. Oh, I got beat by rulers.

I never got time to choose. My mother was always so angry with me. I'm older than you. So they got, they say get a switch. Do you know what a switch is, Nicole? A switch is a little thing. It is a branch from a tree. And you have to be strategic.

And again, Richard Pryor has a beautiful joke about this. But you can't pick the small one because they'll be like, nuh-uh, go get a different one. Yes, exactly. But you can't get the big one because you feel like it's going to hurt. So you've got to find that middle one. Yes, exactly. That's acceptable.

I read this tweet that this woman was like, spanking your kids and then hugging them and saying you love them after is an abusive behavior. And I was like, holy shit, it is. Because that's like if you're in an abusive relationship, your partner will hit you or whatever and then be like, I'm sorry, I love you. And then it happens over and over again. And then my therapist was like, why do you think black people spank their kids? Because I do think it is more prevalent in black culture to spank.

And I was like, I don't know. She was like slavery. And I was like, oh, my God. Yeah. Intergenerational trauma. And that's how we saw our people being held in line. And we just transferred that to our kids. Did you ever get a chance to read Between the World and Me, the Ta-Nehisi Coates book?

No. This is exactly what Coates book? No. This is exactly what the whole book is about. It's about being a man from Baltimore who was taught this hardness, if you will. And now as an adult with his own child, he has this hardness through the history of his own parents and himself and just the times in his life where he has been shown true love and compassion. And those are the examples that he's trying to integrate into his life to pass on to his son of how to be and how to treat people. Man, being a good person is so much fucking work. work well because this world doesn't want us to be it really doesn't and it's kind of wild i feel like every day there's something new and crazy happening and it's like what and that's the culture we're in we're in a culture of fear

yeah and anger yeah regardless of if it's justified or not it's just we're sitting in this juice and it's a nasty juice. It's a stanky juice. Stanky juice. Which, my favorite Bootsy Collins song. That's my favorite Bootsy Collins. Stanky juice. Not a Bootsy Collins fan.

Got you. No, I don't know who Bootsy Collins is. But, Barron, we've come to the end. Yeah. And I keep forgetting to ask my guests. Yeah. But, Barron. What?

Would you date me? Why won't you date me? I won't date you because I am not single ah good answer but if I was single it's a different question ah

if you were single would you date me? I'm not going to answer that it's crazy that is crazy and I respect that answer Barron do you have anything you'd like to plug? Oh, goodness. No. Just look me up somewhere. I'm out there.

Barron has a show called New Negroes with Open Mike Eagle. Yes, New Negroes. Open Eagle Mike. Open Mike Eagle. Fuck me. It's fine. Open Eagle Mike. Open Mike Eagle and I have a show.

Open Mike Eagle. Open Mike Eagle. And we just had have a show Open Mike Eagle Open Mike Eagle And we just had Nicole Byer On the show At Life is Beautiful In Las Vegas I just call him Mike That's fine

But he's Open Mike Eagle If you want to Google him Yes yes yes Has a new album out as well Their show is great Yes And it's We are moving to The Virgil

You are Starting in January So we're the fourth Nice nice nice Fourth Sunday of every month at the Virgil. New Negroes. It will also be on Comedy Central. Yes.

Do you have an air date yet? No. Some point in 2019. Stay tuned. That's the next year. We only have one month left of this one. Yeah. And then a new one's going to happen.

Yeah. And that's when the New Negroes are going to happen. That's right. Barron's on Twitter. Baron's on Twitter. He's on Instagram. Mystery Science Theater 3000. Yes. The Gauntlet is on Netflix right now.

And he's honestly one of the funniest people. You should follow him along. Also, if you write something nasty to me on iTunes or you can slide into my little DMs I will read the nasty little things that you send to me nasty? nasty how? like if you review my podcast and you say something

dirty, like you hit on me in a dirty way damn okay this man can I give you some background music while you read this yeah yeah i like that big butt on you you're a gift and a treasure i'll fill you up with pre-coming oreos and hit you out like a trough of cookies and cream slop anytime. Is this how people be nasty? That's insane.

Right? Did he say I will fill you up with pre-cum? How can you do that? I don't know. Pre-cum is the thing before the cum. It's not a lot. So you're just like milking and edging and milking and edging and milking and edging.

Welcome back to milking and edging. I'm edging. Thank you for joining my podcast, Barrett. Bye-bye. This has been a Team Coco production.