Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Love, Marriage, and Taxes (w/ Nick Wiger)

Episode Date: June 29, 2018

Nick Wiger (Doughboys, I Love You America) is on the show to gush about the love for his wife, learn about Nicole's green card marriage, and talk about responses they get from horny Doughboy fans. Also stay tuned for Nicole's more recent Tinder stories, and Nick shares the time he saw the most boobs at once.You can play along and see Nicole's Tinder bio and photos on her Facebook page at: https://www.facebook.com/pg/NicoleByerComedyBe sure to rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Leave a dirty comment for a chance have it read on-air.Follow Nicole Byer:Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdatesTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerFacebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedy

why won't you date me why won't you date me why won't you date me please tell me why Oh boy! Thank you for tuning in to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast where I try to figure out how and why I'm still single, even though I will finger your ear if that's something you're into. My guest today, you know him and you love him. He's from the podcast Doughboys. Know that. He wrote for Party Over Here. He currently writes for Sarah Silverman. Oh, no.

America. That's good. That was good. That's close enough. I love you, America. I love you, America. You know him and you love him. I won't do it a third time.

Usually I'm really good at intros, and I forgot to look up if you were currently writing on a show. So I'm embarrassed. Well, it was safe to assume that I was not currently writing on a show. I've had a stretch of inactivity lately. Well, Doughboys takes up a lot of time. I mean, kind of. I mean, Mitch is a curmudgeon. You gotta go to his little dungeon.

You gotta hang out with his cats. Sure, you gotta eat a shitty meal. I mean, his cats are lovely, by the way. They are very, very sweet. And, you know, speaking of pettable guys, Charlie and Clyde are here in the studio. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Your dogs. I gave Charlie a lot of affection earlier.

He's got a pink tail, pink and purple dyed tail. It's beautiful. He just turned around to take a look at it. How about that? He was like, let me see what you're talking about. I'm not sure I remember my tail color. They've been loving their tails. Clyde, you can't really tell because he's darker,

but his tail, and I've been holding him because he's bad. Yes. His tail is a little orangey. Oh, yeah, right. Kind of lion-y. Yeah, he's a little lion. Oh, he's so bad. He shit right up in my house today.

That's horrible. He went downstairs, looked at me, and squatted down, and I said, hey, stop, and he didn't. And then I brought him in here. He looked around. He said, seems good, and then took another shit right in here. And usually he didn't. And then I brought him in here. He looked around. He said, seems good. And I took another shit right in here. And usually he doesn't do that.

I think maybe he's been alone a lot all week. Both of them have, because I've been shooting more episodes. I've nailed it. And John, my roommate, has been working a lot. So they've just been alone. Do you have animals? No.

And actually, you know, we love animals. And I love dogs but we we have a we have partly it's our apartment situation and then also it's partly there's such a there's such a there'd be such a labor divide between the amount of work my wife would have to do and the amount of work i would have to do because i'm i'm working a lot of times i'm working and i'm i'm not the I'm not home for long stretches. So that seems unfair to me anyway. She'd be fine with it.

It is unfair. John does a lot more of the heavy lifting. I feel like there are children and I'm the dad who's a little bit of a deadbeat who's like, I provide food for them. You love them and walk them. I'll go to work and I'll buy food. Right. How long have you been married? We got married in 2010.

So it's seven and a half years coming up on eight years. It'll be eight years in September. Ooh. And so we were dating for a while before that. Actually, I think we're reaching the inflection point where we're going to be married for longer than we were boyfriend and girlfriend. But yeah, I think we started dating when we were 22. I'm 37 now. So such a long time.

It really is. How did you know that your wife was the person that you wanted to marry? that your wife was the person that you wanted to marry? Well, I think like that was, you know, because we were just sort of dating for a while and then dating seriously and like, you know, and then living together. And I think honestly, I think it was the point where we moved in together. I was trying to say in with each other and in together at the same time. It just sounded like a garbled mess. I think when we moved in together, I kind of knew at that that point i feel like we both were kind of like oh yeah this

is just like a thing and then when we eventually got married it there was like even a casualness about that or just like yeah this is the thing to do now uh but yeah i think we i mean like we this is so i sound like such a fucking lame wad when I say this, but my wife is my best friend, and that's how I feel. I really do feel like she's my best friend, and I enjoy talking with her. She really makes me laugh. She groans at my bullshit, which is great because I don't have a lot of people in my life who do that. And I think that was the big basis of it was we just really genuinely like spending time with each other. I think that's so nice.

I don't think that's lame. I only really want to date someone I like spending time with. I spend a lot of time with people that I'm like, well, I guess I hang out with you again to get the sex. Oh, yeah. But I don't want to because you're bad. Right. Oh, boy. It's like a thing I've heard about where like when you buy,

I've only heard about this, but like you buy weed from somebody and then you have to like spend time hanging out with them. I've only heard about this. But like, you know, it's like the lame drug dealer is just like, oh, fuck, I got to listen to this guy's record just because I want to score some. Some sweet, sweet weed. Yeah, exactly.

I was searching for a synonym for weed and I realized I didn't know any. Yeah, there you go. Ganja. Marijuana. Little green nugs. Jazz cigarettes. Jazz cigarettes is very funny. And I think that's all I'm going to call joints from now on.

Jazz cigarettes. I'm going to smoke some jazz if you know what I mean. Okay. I've never been in a long-term relationship. So when you went from casual dating to serious dating, was there a conversation or did you both just know? Okay. I do want to return to you saying you've never been in a serious relationship because I have a follow-up question about that. So. So, I mean, again, it was, I think we were just spending a lot of time together. It was in a phase where we,

but we started dating when we finished college. And so I went to, we're both from Long Beach area, Long Beach, California. And we actually knew each other in middle school and high school, but we're not friends. We're not, you know, we're acquaintances. We knew who each other were, and we had a few conversations, but but we're not friends. We're not, you know, we're, we were acquaintances. We knew who each other were, but, and we had a few conversations, but like, we're not friendly really. And then we went to separate colleges. I went to UCLA. She went to a university

of California, Berkeley. She moved back down to Southern California after she finished school. I was still in LA and we just started seeing each other again. Um, or like we started running into each other again, rather. And then we just started, you other again or like we started running into each other again rather. And then we just started, you know, like hanging out and having conversations and realizing we had a lot in common. And part of that was because we had this shared like, you know, the shared circle of friends from growing up together. We had all this. We knew all the same references. We do that, you know.

And so having that shared history was a big foundation for our relationship. But when we were dating early on, it was a lot of it was very casual. It was a lot of like, hey, let's go get food and then we'll like go back to my apartment or we'll, you know, we'll just hang out there for a little bit. So there was a lot of, I feel like, what I'm trying to say, I feel like a lot of the basis of our relationship early on was hanging out. So when it turned into more serious, it was just like, oh, we're just going to hang out more and we're just hanging out and spending more time together and then eventually moving into each other. Again, like I said earlier, just seemed like the logical next step. But you said you've never been in a serious relationship. No. Weren't you married at some point? Yes. Okay. So how?

No, but I just, I get what you're saying, but I just want to clarify, like, what was this marriage situation? So I had gotten myself $30,000 in debt in one year because no one explained to me that when you get a credit card, buy now, pay later is not real. Right. It's not real at all. If you don't have the money to buy it, you shouldn't buy it. Yes. How old were you? I was 19.

Okay. Wow, that's young to have that much debt. Well, what happened was my dad thought he was doing me a favor. So I had a Discover card. Yeah. And it looked like these 19 and 20-year-olds were paying off large sums of money. He was trying to help us build credit. So I left my credit card in a cab, and then he said, I cut you off.

So I didn't have a card anymore. So then I started applying for cards. I got a Hello Kitty credit card. I got a Macy's card. I got a Capital One card. And then they all gave me like a $5,000 limit. Oh, because your dad had you on the account. Yes, because I had good credit.

Got it. So I maxed all those out. And then they raised my limit because they were like, well, eventually she'll pay all this back because that's what she's been doing right so then i said to myself i can't pay this back this is a lot of i don't i at that point i was making seven dollars and fifty cents an hour at a retail job in new york city and my rent was five hundred dollars a month and i was only really making a thousand dollars a month which is insanity that anyone ever has to live like that. But I wasn't the only person living like that. So many people live like that now and it sucks. So I said to myself, I've heard a very quick way to make money is getting married. So I

went on Craigslist to find someone looking for a wife and I met with a man in New Jersey, which in hindsight was not the best thing to do, to just go to Jersey by myself. He was an older man, and he got really mad at me when I said I wasn't going to move in with him. And I was like, I think I'm just going to leave. And I essentially ran away from him because I was like, I don't feel good about this. Then I met with this man on 14th Street at a dim sum place

that's I think closed now, he lived in williamsburg and he also wanted me to move in and i was like well williamsburg is like kind of cute so like maybe i will and then he's like and you'll sleep in my bed and i was like i don't want that i don't know you and he's like that's a deal breaker i was like well then i guess I can't do that. And then my roommate at the time was working at a bar with a Brazilian girl whose friend needed to get married. So she got married before me. And I was like, you took my idea. You literally hijacked my idea. So she married this guy.

And then I was like, well, what do I do? And then she and her friend were at a gas station and I get a phone call and she said, Nicole, we found someone for you to marry. He works in a gas station in Queens. We're coming to pick you up. So then they pick me up in a PT cruiser, which is like already a mistake. Wait, so this isn't someone from Craigslist. This is someone they found. No, this is someone that my roommate and her friend found for me. Craigslist is someone they know this is someone that my roommate and her friend found okay they drive me in this peachy cruiser to Queens so East Elmhurst Queens I think it was so far out in Queens and I meet him and he's really sweet and he was like you have kind eyes and I was like do you have money and he was like yes so then we were like all right let's do it so then we filed for a

marriage certificate just like you jump straight to that. Straight to that. Like a week later, filed for a marriage certificate. He gave me like two grand for that. And then we got married maybe a month later at City Hall in Queens. A woman named Dory married us. I had bangs and blue eyes because I thought I was Lil' Cam. My wedding pictures are literally insane. Wow. And we were married for a year. And then my dad passed away maybe like six months after I got married. And I told him I needed some time to myself. And he said, okay. So then like three, four months passed when me and my sister were trying to settle his estate because he didn't have a will. And you guys have to have a will.

If you get to a certain age, just have a will. Otherwise, it is a mess for the people who you're leaving your stuff to yeah because what happens is your property reverts to the state then you have to fight with the state to get it back and then also my dad had tennis cans filled with pennies all around the house that we had to go take to the bank and they were like why do you have so many we're like i don't know it was a long process so then um i texted him i was like okay i'm ready to do more interviews uh i settled this state like i'm in a better state of mind then he didn't respond for like a month and then i contacted him again i was like hey buddy uh what's going on didn't hear anything and i was like well i can't be married to this man who won't talk to me. So then me and my sister asked the estate lawyer,

we were like, do you know anything about marriage? Can I get a divorce from someone who's like not responding to me? She's like, well, technically you filed your taxes in Jersey and New York. You can claim New Jersey residency. And in New Jersey,

all you have to do to get divorced is serve your husband divorce papers. Oh wow. And I was like, okay. So paid for that, served him papers. He called me and was like, you're a bitch. And I was like, okay. And that's all he said. He left me a message that said, you're a bitch.

But he wasn't responding to you earlier. And I sent him a very long text that was like, well, if you don't respond to me, I don't know where you are. And I can't just be married to someone where I don't know where they are. Right. Then he never responded to that. Then my sister drove me to the Freehold Courthouse at like 8 in the morning and I was granted a divorce. So were you open to reconciling with him if he'd responded to you? And you basically, it just reached a point of no return.

Kind of. I think so much time has passed and I don't know what he was doing. We had done one interview that went well uh I don't know I don't know if he lost citizen I don't know where he is in the process it was 10 years ago over 10 years ago no so he was specifically mayor he was specifically marrying you for citizenship yes and I was specifically marrying you for citizenship. Yes. Got it. And I was specifically marrying him for $10,000. I only got $4,000 of it. Didn't pay any of my bills. Truly got my hair done and took improv classes.

Hey, that was a positive step. Yes. That was an investment in you, it turned out. Yes, it turns out it was good. You were better spending your money on that than on, I mean, for 99.9% of people, that would be foolhardy. But for you, you were better off spending that money on improv classes than paying off your credit card debt. Yeah, I don't know. If I had applied it to my debt and really actually tried to pay my debt, I don't know where I'd be right now. Right.

I truly don't know. What a crazy alternate reality that is. If I was like, oh, I'll be responsible where I'd be right now. I truly don't know. What a crazy alternate reality. Right? If I was like, oh, I'll be responsible and I'll pay my debts. I would probably still be working at Lane Bryant, probably making, I would say a cool $15 an hour because it's been over 10 years. And I think the minimum wage is 13 now. So I think I'd be making a little bit over. And probably you'd be scaring women who are kind of my mom's age who go into shop there. I'd be like, why are you so loud?

I'm like, I want you to be happy in our clothes! Retail is awful. Did you have, what was like one of your jobs before Comedique? Well, okay, so I spent a lot of time working in video games. And I, oh, can I ask you one more marriage question real quick? Sorry, before we move it. Were you, when you guys were married, was there ever a point where there was any sort of intimacy?

No. No. So it was never even like, maybe, maybe not even like a kiss for the cameras or? We kissed at the wedding. Okay. And it was a very light tap. Got it. It was just a... Got it. And that was just basically to seal, to sell it. That was just for a photo. Got it.

So my roommate who set us up was at the wedding and then his best friend was at the wedding as a witness. So we just kissed for that picture. And I have the picture and it's wild. Yeah. The whole wedding situation is wild. This is a fascinating chapter of your life this year. So as far as for your job question, so I worked in the video game industry for a long time before I actually as I started to take UCB classes.

And before that, when I started to take classes at this other improv theater called Ultimate Improv that is now shuttered in Westwood, the Westwood neighborhood of West LA. But before that, my shitty college jobs were I didn't have a job until college. And then in college, I had shitty jobs where I was a I worked at a bookstore for a while. I was just stocking shelves there. And then I also there were shifts I had to do at the warehouse. And then and it was it was mostly physical labor. But it was sometimes, you know, someone would walk over and be like, hey, where's the biology books? Oh, yeah, they're over there. You know, and that was basically it.

And so that was a pretty brainless job that I was pretty bad at because I was just the one thing you had to do was show up on time. And that was an age when I just was not showing up on time to things, even though I'm pretty fanatical about it these days. was not showing up on time to things, even though I'm pretty fanatical about it these days. And then after that, I worked at a computer lab. And that was pretty easy. What did you have to do? Just sit at a computer? Yeah.

I mean, like, so I had, there were two different computer labs I worked in. One was a very highly trafficked computer lab where there were a bunch of people, you know, and I would have to like assist people with their computer issues or programming questions. If they had them, I was a math major and I, I knew a good amount of computer programming,

at least at the time. Um, and the other lab was like at the top floor of this like remote building. And so no one ever used it. And I would have like four hour shifts where I would be in there and I would be just me alone in this room with like 30 computers and just me at my one big computer up front, like waiting for anyone to get in there. And so that was like that was great because I would just bring in a DVD and just like watch like Austin Powers 2. And then, you know, the wage was better than some other uh campus jobs because you had supposedly had some sort of computer expertise to have it um so yeah i mean like oh and then

after that i worked at the i worked in my first video game job was probably the shittiest job i had working at activision i worked in computer support or rather phone support for people's computer problems with their video games, which was a lot of moms basically calling in and saying, why won't the Grand Theft Auto load? It's exactly that. But like a lot of it was, you know, like I bought Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 4 for the Game Cube.

Why won't it work in my son's Xbox? And having to explain like, well, those are different systems. It's not going to work on that. And then they're suddenly mad at me for. Well, why didn't anyone tell me when I bought it? Exactly. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. That was the GameStop guy's fault. I don't know what to tell you. So and there you're you're basically your hands are tied and you're just sort of there to absorb people's abuse because they're mad at the company. And but there's nothing you can do to help them. So you're just like, yeah, that sucks. I don't know what to tell you.

and but there's nothing you can do to help them so you're just like yeah i'm out of that sucks i don't know what to tell you uh and then i worked also as a game tester which was just so miserable because it's this giant basement i feel like we're pretty far afield from uh from why won't you date me this is more of a career retrospective no and uh uh so we were in this it was this giant basement and with like you know 150 tvs and just like sweaty guys who all look like me. I feel like you've had a lot of jobs in front of TVs and screens. Honestly, yes. I'd say I've spent most of my life looking at some sort of screen. Do you have bad eyes?

My eyes, I got LASIK. Oh, that's very scary to me. Let me tell you, it is scary. And it also does not permanently fix your eyes no you have to like get touched up yeah i went to the optometrist this year and they're like oh yeah your right eye is bad again i'm just like oh so i've got it now i've got to get glasses for this late after getting this laser surgery 10 years ago oh oh so 10 years ago yeah okay but so that's like well a boob job you have to like get it redone every couple years like i think it's every

like maybe five or seven years you got to get new implants right your butt you have to get it redone every couple years. I think it's every maybe five or seven years, you got to get new implants. Right. Your butt, you got to upkeep. You've got implants in there. Here's a question. Yeah. Did you date anyone before your wife, or is she the only person you've touched? I would say not the only person I've touched, but I would say the only serious adult relationship I've had.

Because I would say the other girlfriends I had were like middle school, you know, it was like, cause you got together very young. Yeah. But, but you know, 22,

I mean, that was enough. Yeah. It's pretty young, but I mean, but it was like, I didn't have anyone I dated to like in college where it was like, Oh,

this was, this was a serious relationship I had in college. You know, I had people like I dated, uh, but that was, but yeah. So I, I guess in that sense, and she, she did have college, you know, I had people like I dated, but that was, but yeah, so I guess in that sense, and she did have like a boyfriend basically for all of college, it was a very serious relationship. So I feel like part of our relationship was me sort of

like her, I kind of knowing what a relationship entailed and me kind of being like, okay, you know, getting shown the ropes a little bit. Yeah. Because I'm also like, I try to be a pleasant person as much as possible, but I'm also kind of dumb and naive in a lot of ways. I don't think you're dumb at all. I think you're a very smart person. Oh, that's nice of you to say. You're welcome. But I think maybe dumb to some, here's how I characterize it. it maybe i maybe i got a lot of facts up in the old noodle but some social interactions i maybe have trouble like picking up on like oh this is the right way to handle this you know what i mean

i maybe i don't have quite the social what was that is social intelligence is that a thing i think it's picking up on social cues or reading a room yeah exactly i maybe sometimes have issues with that so it's nice to you know i i do get some assistance with those issues i personally sometimes get so angry that i say very hurtful things to people and i'll like cut down a person and then after i've done it i feel very good but then a minute or two later i go you got the reaction you wanted yeah you made them feel bad right now you feel bad that you've made them feel bad so now you have to apologize to them and then an apology never feels enough because you were so personal and mean. Yeah, that's like one of the things I have a very hard time with.

If you ever like viciously personally insulted me, I would be devastated. Oh no! Because I really like, I think you're so funny and so talented and I would feel like, oh, if she disrespected me or didn't like me, I would feel like that was such a judgment from someone I respect.

I feel like you would never do anything to make me angry. I feel like I could. I can't think of what it would be, but I think I've angered people in my life. Maybe in like a writer's room if I got frustrated with you. Oh, see that? I don't think that there you'd get frustrated because I just check out. I'm just like playing Hearthstone on my laptop where I'm supposed to be paying attention in a meeting.

Writer's rooms are very interesting. Yeah. I think I thought a writer's room was people get together and then they go, alright, we have a TV show. You'll write an episode and you'll write an episode and you'll write an episode and break.

And then the episodes are written and TV happens. It's a lot of getting to know each other and then games. And then they're like, all right, now we have to write episodes. And I feel they're interesting. I like them. I do like them too.

They're super fun. You get to, if you're in there with funny and nice people, it's like a blast. It's like the most fun you can have at something that's still a job. But I will say that the rigidity that you suggested, a lot of rooms would probably benefit from. And I was only head writer once on a show we worked on together. And I don't think I did a very good job. was only head writer once on on on a show we worked on together and i don't think i did a very good job but it was it was very uh it's it's a very tough position to be in because you've got to

manage everyone's voices and everyone's egos not that we really had any ego issues on that show but they do exist on some shows um and then also you've got like all this logistic shit to worry about because you've got all these it was just production concerns you've got to keep in your head so it's it's a very tough job to run one of these but i do feel like a lot of writers rooms get very very casual and it's just like well we're just watching college basketball now this is like i know what we're all getting paid collectively this is a waste of resources and we only have so many weeks to write this fucking show what are we doing yeah i feel like it gets to like the end and you're like oh fuck all right everyone we gotta do this right and uh the show i the show i worked on before the sarah silverman show i the um uh at midnight uh which timing wise we were

recording this in the aftermath of a very very uh bad scandal adjacent to that uh but in any in any event the thing on at midnight is i feel like that was a very well-run show because it was just sort of like, okay, by this time, we have to have this done. And by this time, we have to be this done. And then by this time, we're rehearsing and then taping the show. So I think just like the fact that you had just deadlines imposed on you made people actually get the work done. fact that you had such you had just deadlines imposed on you yeah maybe we'll actually get the work done seems like it would make a room just feel regimented and like a job and like we're a very well-oiled machine here's a question yes about that whole thing what is a cosplay star um they kept saying she's a cosplay star i didn't know that cosplay had spectators to it do you know

what cosplay is yeah it's it's like basically you know larping yeah well it's not quite larping because i think larping implies that you're going to uh you know do some sort of like i'm going to pretend i am this character yes whereas whereas cosplay is more like i'm just going to dress up like this character i'm going to dress up like a really i have this this iron man suit that i built and i'm going to dress up like this. And I think in the cosplay world, there are some people who, largely people who are very photogenic, who have very elaborate costumes and like, oh, I do a really convincing Wonder Woman. I do a really convincing, you know, Jaina from World of Warcraft. I kind of like I can sort of embody these characters. And for that reason, I am able to turn this into an income source, in the same way that you can turn a podcast into an income source, I guess.

I mean, we're living in the wildest times. It really is, yeah. Where you just record in Mitch's house, set up a paywall. No, I'm kidding. It is weird that we're recording this in Mitch's house. Yes, Mitch, don't come in! that we're recording this in Mitch's house. Yes, Mitch, don't come in!

I have a question. Do people hit on you via the internet because they enjoy your podcast even though you're married? Well, I think people, so I have like everything closed off. I have like closed DMs. I have like, you know, so I think like in,

and maybe this is me flattering myself of like, oh, if I didn't have open, if I had open dms i would be swarmed with suitors uh but uh i i haven't had that many people who have been like a horny for me for lack of a better term i mean and they get horny for mitch there's a there's a lot of a lot of women very horny for my for my co-host, Mike Mitchell, because he is a very specific type and a lot of people are into that type. And he's a handsome man. He's a handsome little bear.

But yeah, I mean, I've had a few people just say, but no one like who has actually, someone did say they would suck my dick. But I think that was partly a bit. I don't know how much of a bit. I think that was partly a bit i don't know how much of a bit i think that was partly a bit i i think mostly people are just sort of like you know oh he's married he's very open about that and also maybe he's like this weird cretin who i don't i don't necessarily want to get to know no not weird cretin so you completely and utterly have missed online dating yes so that is a thing that i'm like not even just the apps which apps are like this in the 2010s in the whole 2000s the match.com era the uh oh the christian mingle the j dates i never experienced any of that and i have like

we actually saw our good friends last night that met through J date. And it's like, Oh, this is so crazy that that, this is like a whole, both me and Natalie, my wife, we missed all of this. Yeah. I mean, you're very lucky.

Oh, you're so lucky. But do you think it's a bigger, like it's a greater hell than the previous hell of like, I have to go to like a Chili's and hang out in the bar and like hope that I meet somebody. And that just happens to be my soulmate. Well,

I feel like when you meet someone in person, you get a better feel for their vibe. Okay. And you can immediately be like, Oh, hard. No. Or like,

Oh, I'm feeling a little something. Whereas an app, you're like, all right, you look fine. I swipe, right?

Great. You know how to text. You're competent at that you're literate and then you meet them so there's like more steps to meeting someone to then go oh ew no yeah i i also i've said it before i think texting creates a false sense of intimacy and i think the internet itself creates a false sense of intimacy. So like you'll do a podcast and you'll talk about your life and then people seem like they know you and they don't, they don't know you at all. Or you perform for people and then they want to talk to

you and then they're like a little too familiar with you because they think they know you and they don't. Do you have, I imagine people do that to you they certainly do it to me and mitch yes and we have also and and i know it's it's different for for men and women and what men women encounter is more vicious and maybe because of what the what me and mitch do on the podcast we insult each other a lot we experience some of that that i'm sure is still also not as bad but people will just be like like hey what's's up, you fucking autistic robot? You know, they're just like, because they're like, like, you're my friend. I can bust your balls.

Just like, well, no, I've known Mike Mitchell for 12 years. We're very good friends. And he that's why he can do that. I don't know who you are. Just a stranger shouting at me. So, yeah, I mean, that doesn't I'd say mostly our fans are respectful, but you do encounter that a little bit. Like you were saying, because of that intimacy, people kind of think like, oh, you're my friend. I can treat you the way I would a friend.

Yeah, it's a little. It's fun. It's in person sometimes people also people think I remember everything I say. Oh, sure. So they'll repeat things that they've heard on the podcast to me. Oh, man. Like I go, oh, yes. And like, oh, don't you remember?

You said this on How Did This Get Made? You know, not your podcast, but Jason Manzouk is in Paul Scheer's podcast. Right. And I was like, oh, oh, boy, what a treat. And they're like, me and my wife say it all the time. I'm like, oh, thank you. And this happened maybe two weeks ago. I was at a bar doing a show where no one in the bar knew a show was happening.

All the lights were on and there was just a stool in the middle of the bar and I was screaming jokes at people who didn't want them. I was like, you know, this is fun. You have a show on Netflix and then you scream in a very lit bar and life humbles you so much it's so wonderful but as i was leaving this guy screamed something at me about a dick and i was like what what he was like you know and i can't even remember what the

phrase is but he repeated it and i said oh okay he's like you said it and i said oh where how did this get made blood sport ah yes two years ago yes yes yes right me and my wife love it okay and then was talking to me as i was walking to my car like we were best friends and i just and then was saying like other things i had said on the podcast i was like maybe this man has only listened to one podcast and it was that episode and it really stuck with him and I was like who am I to be like sir I have no idea what you're talking about so I was just like just try to go along with it it was very very strange and then also on tinder this man referenced an Instagram post that I had posted. So we matched. And his first message to me was a reference from my Instagram.

And I read it and I was like, what? Then I was like, oh, he follows me. Oh, okay. That was weird. That was very, very weird. So yeah, dating is starting to get weirder and weirder and weirder. And I don't know if people are talking to me to be like, I like what I see. Or they're like, oh, I know you. And I want to just have a conversation with you because now I have an outlet for you to respond to me.

Oh, I didn't even think of it because you're a public figure. So people are like, so someone in an app, a dating app might just be like, oh, this is a chance to meet Nicole Byer. Yes. Oh, that's a bummer. I didn't even think about that layer. It's very, it's very confusing. And I don't, and lately I keep matching with men who talk to me and then go away. So I had a whole conversation with this man. He said, hello. I said, hello. He said, I think you're very pretty. I said, thank you so much. He said, do you like pho or pho? I don't know how to say that. Pho.

Pho. And I said, I've never had pho because I eat like a child and I don't explore. And you don't like soup. I hate soup. Soup is, oh, it's soup? Yeah, it's big time soup.

It's like a huge soup. He didn't say it was soup. Well, I'm glad it didn't fucking work out. Soup is stupid. It's the dumbest food. But I said, sure, I'll try it didn't fucking work out. Super stupid. The dumbest food. But I said, sure, I'll try $4. And then he goes, I have a beard that's down to my belly button now. Is that okay?

And I said, I mean, you have no pictures of it, but I think that's fine. And he went, great. And I said, okay, but like, what does it really look like? And then he unmatched me because i was questioning his belly button beard and i was gonna i was about to eat soup for this man unknowingly eat soup and i don't know why he unmatched me and then i matched with this other man and we had a lovely conversation and he said he enjoyed Nailed It on Netflix. Please watch it. And I said, thank you.

But then I was like, well, he's a fan. I think that's all he wanted. And I said, you trying to fuck? And then he unmatched me. Oh, wow. So I guess the answer was, nah, brah. I ain't trying to fuck. Just want you to know I like bad cakes.

Is it possible he was like me, like a little timid boy? and then if he got a message like if i got a message that you're trying to fuck i'd be like and like throw my phone in the dishwasher maybe maybe he threw his phone in the dishwasher and that's why we unmatched because his phone is broken i don't know maybe but i think if I end up with a partner ever, they would have to be who is like, that's what I see is what I get. And that's what I want. And I don't know how you find that through an app because so much of knowing you is like, not just like a person, but you specifically is like spending time with you and interacting with you and seeing like, oh, this really is like, this is who you are. Yeah. I don't know. Because I will, like, I do think I turn it up a little bit when I'm performing.

Sure. And I think it's really weird that people don't understand that. Yeah. I think it's very, very strange because I am who I am when I'm performing. It's just toned down a little bit because it's exhausting to have that much energy all the time. I once, I dated this guy. Okay.

I did the weirdest thing. So I dated this guy and then I found his, maybe I won't say this story. Think about it. Imagine someone quoting this to you four years from now. I won't say it. Of a sizzler from now and i won't say it okay i won't say it but uh how do i get out of it um um um you go to break yeah let's take a break And we're back! I've lost my mind. I've been shooting more episodes of Nailed It,

and it is strange. What are those days like? Like, how long are you shooting? It's a 12-hour day. Okay. We shoot, I would say, roughly for 10 hours with little breaks in the middle. I think we take maybe

three half-hour breaks, so it's an hour and a half, so they really have like, I would say, eight and a half hours of footage for one 30-minute episode. Oh, so that one shoot day is one episode.

Yes. Wow. And it's, because we'll shoot for 12 days. And I learned, I don't know, 48 new names in 12 days. That's crazy. So by the end of every day, I'd be looking at someone. I'd be like, I think their name is Jim, but I don't know. But their name could also be Carl.

Right. Carl was here yesterday or was Jim here yesterday? I don't know but their name could also be Carl right Carl was here yesterday or was Jim here yesterday I don't know and there was no no one is ever single on the show I was like

maybe I will find a contestant to date oh right but no one is ever single and if they're single they're usually a nice gay man and then all of the

camera operators are all married everyone in production is married everyone in production gets married young and i think it's because they're in unions and they have steady income right and like health insurance so like oh i mean my money situation's all settled yeah i might as well get married so i don't know if i'll ever meet anyone at work yeah that's actually a huge, the financial aspect of it. I mean, part of when Nellie and I got married when we did was we would just like financially, we were like, you know what, this makes sense at this point, like for health insurance reasons. And then also like, you know, for tax, I mean, you save, I imagine it's even more now with this shitty new tax bill.

But I think you save more money – you save quite a bit more money filing married versus filing single. Really? Yeah, there's like – because there's tax incentives. The government wants you to be married for whatever reason because they want it to be a value they encourage. Yeah, so it makes financial sense for long-term couples to do so. Golly. Yeah. That sucks.

Right. It actually does suck because it's like wealthier people are more likely to be married. So it's another thing that makes taxes more regressive, like a lot of our tax code. It's ostensibly progressive, but they have all these things programmed in to make sure that the lower class pays a disproportionate burden. We all pay the same percentage of taxes, or is it based on your income? It's based on your income. But yeah, but the way the marginal rates work is that you're paid up to that, whatever that threshold is. And then for the next threshold, then it's taxed on that percentage.

So you might be paying a different percentage on different chunks of your income, depending on how much you make. So like, yeah, you might be, you're getting untaxed on, I forget what the numbers are now, but you know, like untaxed on the first $25,000 you make, then you're paying like, say, these are just totally pulled out of my ass and they're wrong, but I'm just going to say them for the purpose of illustration. From $25,000 to $75,000, that's taxed at 15%. From $75,000 to $125,000. That's taxed at 22.5%. Oh. So, yeah.

So just that range of income is taxed to that amount. Interesting. So that's why when I worked at Lane Bryant, I never paid taxes. I always got taxes back to me. Yeah. I mean, you can reach a point where if you make enough non- What am I trying to say? If you make enough non-taxable income, you get money back? Yes.

Yeah. If you are low enough in the amount of total income you make. I was so poor for a very long time. My dad was also like, if you don't make money, don't file. They'll never look for you. He was, right? I never was audited when I wasn't making very much money. Let's see, if I made $1,000 a month, I made $12,000 a year.

Those are poverty level wages, even 10 years ago. That's like, and you're living in a major city. I was living in New York City. It's insane. Yeah, sometimes my check would be like for 550. Right. Because I got paid biweekly and I would be like for $5.50. Right. And I would be so, because I got paid biweekly, and I would be so excited. But also my rent was only $500, so half of, like my one check went to rent.

Yes. And the other check went to drinking. Boom, boom, boom. Yeah, I don't know how I did it, and I don't know if I could ever do it again. Yeah, it's, I mean, and it's become, I mean, with housing shortages being what they are, it's like, it's unsustainable for so many people. Yeah, it's grim. And I don't know if you're, you were right that being financially comfortable has to be a big part of how people are able to find stability in their lives, which means they're able to have some sort of stable relationship.

And yeah, I don't know how you do it if you're like broke. Like I don't know how you do, because dating is also expensive. Dating is very expensive because movies are very expensive. Unless you got MoviePass and you're okay with them selling your information. Wow, I didn't know you were a big privacy crusader. I hate MoviePass and you're okay with them selling your information. Wow. I didn't know you were a big privacy crusader. I hate MoviePass. So MoviePass came out and I said $9.99 and you can see all the movies you want.

There's something. There's something there. And I kept saying that there was something there. Then I read an article that was like, oh, because they sell all your information. Right. And I was like, it's not worth it for $9.99. I'll pay a little bit more. I am anti-MoviePass. Wow. I think some people are going to get mad at you over that. Probably, but I don't care. I am very anti-MoviePass. I am also anti-Universal Studios

Florida. In order for you to get in after paying your money, they take your fucking fingerprint to get in. And I said, dear sir, I don't want to do that. And he said, do you want to get in this park? And I said, yes. But what if I didn't do that? He's like, but if you leave and come back. I said, I'm never leaving and coming back. I'm coming for this day only.

Right. I won't walk out. And I'll just be in there and then I'll leave I'm never leaving and coming back. I'm coming for this day only. Right. I won't walk out. And I'll just be in there. And then I'll leave and I'll go live my life. And he said, ma'am, if you want to come in, you will scan your thumb. And I said, fine. And I watched everyone just happily do it. I was like, so now Universal Studios, what are they doing with our fingerprints?

Probably Gru's up to something. Probably. Gru will do something harry potter will take our identities i i guess i have big of privacy i just don't understand why it's so invasive why does apple want to scan my face for me to get in my phone right what is wrong with a passcode right why do you want my thumbprint yeah i i will i had a job where you had to have your thumbprint to like sign into your time card and even that we were like this is everyone's like what the fuck you're doing yeah why are we doing this and then they were like

they were like oh well it's actually it's only storing the data points of they tried to explain it in a way where they didn't actually have your thumbprint they just had the data that showed what your thumbprint was they're like what are you showed what your thumbprint was. They're like, what are you talking about? Also, you think Ancestry.com and all those places that want you to figure out who you are is just being nice

about figuring out who, no, they're collecting data on us. They got all your cum and big vats. Let me put my tinfoil hat on and tell you that the government

is collecting data on all of us. I genuinely am scared of, I don't want to swab my mouth and then send it to somebody because what are you doing with it? Yeah. Also, how does swabbing my mouth tell you where I'm from? I mean, I don't know. I have a feeling at some point someone's going to be like, Ancestry.com is all just bullshit.

I think it is bullshit. I think they're lying to everybody. I think it's very easy to, you know, Google a person's name and then go okay they look black we say they're from some parts of africa uh south africa we say uh point percent uh fucking swedish and we send it right back right i don't think it's real uh i i'd love to send mine in and get it back. Like, wow, I am 110% white. Sir, you are extra white. Let's see. Hi, online date.

So you have friends who met on J-Date. How long ago? That's a good question. I think we actually asked them. I think they said five years. It feels like longer than that now because they have two kids. So that may have been when they got married. But yeah, that's – what is your – here's my question because you were talking earlier about you meet sometimes a rando and you don't know what they're after. Yes.

There's a dating app for celebs, right? There are dating apps for celebs. Have you tried any of those? I talk about it often. I am on Raya. Raya waitlisted me for two years years i finally was allowed to be on it and there is a lot of like instagram people on there like very beautiful instagram models right and like uh youtube personalities and that's all good and fine but that's not what i'm looking for

like i would like to meet maybe a nice comedy producer who's in his 40s and has built a nice name for himself and he's got his own money and he's a nice man, but I don't even know if that exists. I don't know if there are nice producers who exist. And those people might not also necessarily be on Raya. No, and I don't know where they are. Right, because that app is screening for classic hunks and classic babes. And those people might not also necessarily be on Raya. No, and I don't know where they are.

Right, because that app is screening for classic hunks and classic babes. Yes, truly. Everybody on it is so beautiful. And I don't know. I have matched with a couple people on it, and it's a lot of, oh, I know who you are, and here's what I do. And I go, oh, okay. I don't care.

And then nothing happens. Nothing has happened on that app. Tinder, I feel like, is just a graveyard of very gross people. And I matched with a pizza the other day. A pizza? Yep. It was a picture of a pizza. His name was pizza or its name was Pizza.

We matched because I was like, I'll probably match with this pizza. Then the pizza messaged me and said, pizza loves you. And I said, thank you. And that's it. And I don't know. I just. That was just someone having a laugh, right? Some goofball.

I guess. I don't know. I just. That was just someone having a laugh, right? Some goofball. I guess. I don't know. I feel like that's what Tinder is. Everyone's just trying to laugh. Right. I don't know. And then I matched with a friend's ex-boyfriend. And then I was like, maybe he likes me. But then I was like, I can't date my friend's ex-boyfriend.

I don't know. This man, he sent me a strange message it said nicole please help me i just ate an unreasonable amount of chili but he spelt chili c-h-i-l-l-y so i don't know if he's eating cold wind or a misspelled version of chili the food food. And I was going to write that, but then I said, I don't care. I feel like the guy, the kind of guy who would write that is the kind of guy who would misspell chili, if that makes sense. Yes. Like, I bet it was the food, but he doesn't know how it's spelled.

Yeah, I don't know. So this man on my profile, it says I'm all about the d and by d i mean dinner so this man jake messaged me finally someone else about that d i said yes i love to have the d every day he said are you a fan of large d daily or do you like to switch up sizes and i was like is he talking about dicks or is he talking about uh is he talking about like dinner like i am so i said to him it depends on how much b and l i've had and also i get s's and he said s's i said snacks like how are you not following that yeah and then he said oh i call them quickies and i was like okay and then he said let's get to exploiting post haste and i don't know what that means i was like does that mean what to exploiting post haste. And I don't know what that means. I was like, does that mean what is exploiting?

What are we doing? And then that's it. I think he didn't get the dinner part. Like that seems like a guy who was only talking about sex and he didn't get any of it. That's the way I interpreted it. Maybe. I don't know.

Why would he call it? Cause like, why would he call us like a snack i call them quickies yeah like to me that strikes me as like like oh he's trying to parse what you're writing from a sex standpoint ah i was so confused the whole time i was like i feel like he's not following what i'm saying and i'm surely not following what he's saying. Oh, boy. I think that would be a frustrating relationship because he might be dumb, but at minimum, he can't follow the game of the scene.

Yeah. And that's tricky. And I truly, I just want, I want a funny man. I want, or lady. I don't know. I just, I want someone who's funny and nice and has their own money. And I don't know if I'm ever going to find that. Nick, I have a question.

Yes. Even though, well, let's say if you weren't married. Yeah. Would you date me? Why won't you date me? I would date you but here's the thing I find myself like

I think like I would have trouble keeping up with you because I am not the party animal that you are and I mean I think you're super funny and you're very pretty and I like really like you know everything that you do

and I enjoy spending time with you, but I don't think I could drink like eight shots of gin on a weeknight. Like I just think that's not a lifestyle I can hang with anymore. And also this is another thing. I am very much like kind of have the personality of like a wealthy dowager who's you know who's wearing a monocle

and then someone says something outrageous at the opera and it drops into her champagne flute like that's kind of and like so I feel like if you if I was like out to dinner with you and you said something ribald to our server I would be so embarrassed

I wouldn't be able to show my face in there again so I think that could create some incompatibilities our server i would be so embarrassed i wouldn't be able to show my face in there again so i i think i think that could create some incompatibilities um but yeah i i don't know i mean like like in terms of how you find you said you wanted someone funny and nice and i was like i was like oh you're in the ucb community and then you were like with money. And I was like, oh, there you go. That's the issue. Yeah. So I don't know. I mean, have you tried dating other comedians like people who are at your level of success? I had dated some improvisers like years ago.

And nothing really worked out well. And then there aren't really any improvisers around now who are working who are single. Right. But you also do stand up. I mean, do you ever meet people on the road or at shows? No. So I go to places like Naples, Florida, Sacramento, which is the worst place I've ever been. I did not leave my hotel room for fear of the people outside.

Right. They really scared me. Everyone there was so scary. Sacramento is, last time I was there was to play bassoon in the California All-State Orchestra, my senior year of high school. And yeah, it's just kind of like, it's a nothing town. Yeah, I did not like it. Yeah. And the people there were trash.

No offense. If you listen to the podcast and live in Sacramento, leave. Just leave. If you're a good person in Sacramento, get out. Everyone else is bad. I had to kick people out of my shows there. Almost every show I did, I threw people out of them. Oh, my God.

And then meet and greets. My audience is women and gay men. And if there is a straight man there, it's because they came with their girlfriend. Their girlfriend and gay men. Okay. And if there is a straight man there, it's because they came with their girlfriend, their girlfriend dragged them there. Okay. So it's hard to meet men like a chuckle fucker man. And then,

uh, male standups. My assessment of them is they were probably real nerdy in high school, figured out how to be funny and then discovered women like them and they're on a real trip about that yeah where they're like well if women like me i gotta get the hottest most beautiful one like there's one comic he's a very attractive comic always has two women with him he's always dating two women who are just cool with it. So I don't know if I'll ever meet like a standup who's like cool dating just another regular old standup.

I feel like they're always looking for the like unattainable that they finally can have. Yeah. Like a very King of Queens mentality. Right. Where, you know, you got a fat fucking piece of shit. I'm married to a beautiful woman. Right.

These are former nerds having their yes late in life fuck rampages and they're kind of like i you know i'm i have a very specific type in mind yeah and i don't think i'm that type and i know that i'm a very specific type of person i'm loud i'm also visibly loud and then i don't like today i'm pretty dressed down but a lot of times i'm wearing very bright colors i'll have colorful hair and big hair and lots of lipstick. So I know that like being with me is a commitment to being seen. Right. By the way, can I on that note, because my wife is a huge fan. It was like she thinks you're like so funny.

And she just said like she listens to me. So bad. She's great. She's a lovely person. She's down seeing her family today or else I would have had her maybe come by. But she specifically commented to me when I said I was going to go on your podcast about how great your style is. And just like how much she loves your style and like she's so envious of anyone who can pull that off with such confidence. Oh, thank you.

Yeah. That's a real treat to hear because I spend a lot of time searching for unique pieces. Right. So that's nice. You got a smiley face t-shirt on today that's very charming. Well, this was just from Forever 21. I saw it and I said, that reminds me of the 90s. Right, yeah. I had a shirt like that growing up.

I want one now. Before that was an emoji. That was just the smiley face. It was just a fun little smiley face. What is it? There was an, oh, have a nice day. That's what used to be under it. Yes.

I got it. Have a nice day. And then there's a bumper sticker that Forrest Gump invented that says shit happens under the smiley face. Right. Yeah. that says shit happens under the smiley face. Right, yeah.

I've seen Forrest Gump so many times as of recent because every time, for whatever reason, E! aired it all day every day during Christmas. Weird. And every time it was on, I sat down and watched it. It's a very watchable movie. It's also long. It's super long. It's like three hours.

It's the story of a woman who is sexually abused in her youth. Oh, yeah. Who then kind of manipulates a man with a learning disability. It's pretty grim. Who creates a bunch of things in history for other people. It's a wild movie. It's crazy. It's really crazy, all the stuff that happens.

I would love to read the script. Because I'm sure if that script came into someone's hands today, they would be like, nah, brah, this is wild. We can't do this movie. It does feel like they reached a certain point. Maybe it was the cutoff of the 21st century where they just stopped making like big, weird movies. Like the fact that it was like a Robert Zemeckis movie with like a huge budget and a movie star in it. And it's just like that's an insane premise for a movie. And now it has to have some existing property attached.

But you mentioned the script. There actually is a Forrest Gump book, which I guess goes even further. Like in the Forrest Gump book, he goes to the moon. Yes, he does. Which is crazy. And then I guess in the – there's a sequel to Forrest Gump that was written that I have not read. Forrest Gumper? Yeah.

Yeah, Gump and Gumper. And the, it's a, that one I guess is even crazier. I think the OJ trial may be referenced in some way. Oh my God. Yeah, it's so bananas. I honestly, I guess, yeah, I have to read The Forrest Gump and Forrest Gump-er. Because I genuinely love the movie and all of it's insane. It's an insane movie.

Right. And the restaurant is also insane. Every time I go, I win trivia. And you better believe there's no prize. They just go, you win. And I go, great, can I buy some glasses? Is it all Gump trivia oh you better believe it oh so that's why you got you you nail it yeah because i know forrest gump right here's

a question what kind of shoes did jenny wear at her wedding oh i have no idea none she wore her feet she won't wear no shoes oh that's a good that's a good trick trivia question because if you're an avid watcher of the film, you would know that. What does Lieutenant Dan wear under his suit pants at the wedding? Okay, is the answer also nothing? Nah, it's aluminum legs because he lost his legs in the war. Yeah, well, see, that one I did know, but the way it was phrased, I thought we were referring to his undergarment. No, I was just trying to trick you. If you remember, he lost his legs.

I'm trying to think of more trivia. What do you get? Like how often you go to Bubba Gump and what do you get? I haven't been since last year. Okay. Last time I went, I think I got popcorn shrimp and a bunch of vodka sodas. Yeah. And just got real drunk and wandered around Universal City Walk.

Yeah. Which is maybe one of my favorite places in LA. Really? I love Universal CityWalk. I love Jumbo's Clown Room. And that's about, those are, yeah, those are like my two favorite places. Have you ever taken a date either of those places? No, but I did do an interview once at Jumbo's.

Really? Yeah, we went at like five before I got really busy. Yeah. And then I gave her like a hundred dollars the lady interviewing me and i was like you got a tip after every song because she didn't bring any dollar bills so you you told her meet me at jumbo's clown room and we'll talk that's crazy what was the publication um i don't know it was maybe bustle okay internet publication wow but it was very fun and then i like, I think I do this all the time.

It's fun. You have a cocktail. You watch some ladies dance. You throw some money at them. You answer some hard-hitting questions. It's good. And then a lot of the girls were like, thank you for tipping after every song because people don't know. Ooh, I'll do a PSA. Brr, brr, brr. Excuse me.

If you go to a strip club or a burlesque club where girls are working, you have to tip at least a dollar every song. And if you cannot afford that, leave after you run out of money. Because that's how they make their money. They work on tips and they might, I don't know how much they get paid.

It might be like a server where you're making two, three, $4 an hour and then the rest is tips. Right. I love tipping. I fancy myself a big tipper. And I think if I ever went to a strip club, that would be the part I would enjoy the most. The fact that I get to tip.

I would be, I mean, like the- My favorite. Yeah. The in-your-face nudity would make me uncomfortable, but I would really enjoy dutifully throwing dollar bills up on stage. Well, Jumbo's is burlesque. They don't, it's not topless. Okaypless and they have their panties on, right? Yeah.

Yeah. I've never been to a strip club, but I did when I was eight years old. I was on vacation with my parents to Mexico and they just were like, oh, we'll take you to a beach. And they didn't realize it was like a topless beach. And it was, a topless beach yeah and uh it was i'm 37 now and that day on the beach with my my brother who's five years older than me we were just like staring at like like every boob like there were so many boobs it's still the most boobs i've ever

seen at once it's like i've never i peaked at age eight there's just like this is crazy so much irl nudity something I'd never I don't think I'd seen an R rated movie at that point and I'm just seeing full on like attractive naked women

I feel like now I'd be okay with it yeah maybe like 2 years ago I'd be like wow wow wow but I've been trying to retrain my brain

that like breasts are for milking children right oh wait feeding putting milk into their mouths oh i said something on your podcast it has now turned into a joke that's my favorite joke do you remember i said that kids can't make you come yes i have now written a full five minute joke about how true that is oh that, that's great. People hate it.

The first time I told it was at the Virgil and a lady literally went, stop. And then I like got so scared and was like, oh, maybe this is bad. But then I was like, no, fuck you guys. I'll spend the rest of this year perfecting this joke. And then that's what I did. And now it's a full-fledged, I think it's a four and a half minute joke about how kids can't make you cum. And it goes, it crushes.

That's awesome. It crushes if I crush for the whole set and I go, you guys want to hear a joke you're going to hate? And they're like, yeah, because we love you right now. Crushes. If it's like a middling set and I'm like, you want to hear a joke that you're going to hate? They're like, I guess it will go so poorly that I have to rethink my whole career in comedy. So why don't you, I mean, you could always just bail at that point, I guess.

Yes, but I am stubborn. Yeah yeah and i'm very committed to go down with the ship got it so i've done it to like not booze not quite booze yet but like people being like oh no i mean being like oh yes you mildly asked for this so you'll have to listen to the whole thing. All right, we've come to an end. Nick, do you have anything you want to promote? Check out Doughboys, the podcast about chain restaurants, right here on the HeadGum Network, hosted by me, Nick Weiger, and my good friend, Mike Mitchell. We review chain restaurants and fast food. And it's very fun.

We've got a lot of great guests. It's a great time. They get good guests. And if you like food, you'll love it. Ooh, you should listen to the Chicken Nugget Power Hour. Yeah, me and you and John Gabrus. It's just a bunch of chewing. That was crazy.

I was going to say, because you cited the Kids Can't Make Me Come episode, that was our Cinnabon episode you did with us in December, which was a lot of fun. And Nicole's the funniest. So that's a good jumping on point if you're listening to this podcast. Thank you for being here. God bless you. Thank you for having me.

This was a treat. Thank you. You're a treat and a real dream. If you like this podcast and you thought this was a treat and a dream, please subscribe on iTunes or wherever you listen to podcasts. And if you leave a little nasty message,

I'll read it out loud. Oh shit, I should have queued this up. Oh boy, I'm looking for it. Oh, Marissa's always like, you should have one queued up. Do you have it queued up? And I'm like, yeah girl. And I never do.

Okay, now, okay, where is my, why won't you date me? Oh boy, okay. Here it is. Don't cut any of this out, Marissa. Just leave this in. Okay. See all the ratings. Okay.

Swipe by. Okay. This is awful. I really should have it queued up, but I'm very, very bad. Are you looking for a one star? What are you looking for? I'm looking for a nasty review. Oh, got it.

Because I asked for them and people don't leave them they leave me nice reviews right okay i'm trying to i get a lot of reviews which is nice okay here is a good one this is from r or no d rivas hey nicole your podcast gets me through the day and i love the pains that come with dating in today's world. I'd pay you $100 to let me drink your beef curtains with bath water. Hey, Nicole, this is from This Is Sin. Hey, Nicole, love all your amazing work you do. And since I'm here, let me eat that puss! And that was in all caps. So things like that, I'll read them out loud.

Thank you so much. Bye-bye! This has been a Team Coco production.