Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Love (w/ Paul Rust)

Episode Date: March 20, 2020

Paul Rust (Love, Comedy Bang! Bang!, Arrested Development) has been married for 5 years. He discusses what it's like to date and work with his partner, the differences between his show 'Love' and his real love life, and bare boner rules. Plus, they share public pranks gone wrong, and Nicole's dream marriage proposal.This was our last studio recording, prior to social isolation. We'll do our best to continue to produce episodes weekly during the quarantine. Stay inside and wash your hands, folks!For more Nicole Byer, check out her new podcast - Newcomers! Her and Lauren Lapkus are watching and reviewing Star Wars films for the very first time. Subscribe today so you don't miss an episode.Rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts and leave a dirty comment for a chance to have it read on-air.Follow Nicole Byer:Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdatesTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerFacebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedyBuy Merch: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/nicole-byer?ref_id=964

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Oh baby, welcome to another episode of Oh Why Won't You Date Me? It's a podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single. Even though if you made me a vest of your pubic hair, I would wear it. Oh no!

My guest today, you know him, you love him. He's been on Comedy Bang Bang, the TV show and the podcast. He was in Glorious Bastards. He had a Netflix series called Love. He's done more stuff. You've been on Drunk History, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Animals, American Dad, Super Mansion, Fun Mom Dinner, Bajillion Dollar Properties. Oh, boy, it's Paul Rust.

Thank you, Nicole. Thank you for having me. Thank you so much for doing this uh i i've become uh quite the nicole fan i have also paul you make me laugh so hard you make me laugh so hard oh boy you're just a real real treat. Paul and I met on a project where, I don't know if we're allowed to talk about it. Secret. It's very secret. We spent, what, like

12 hour days together? Yeah, for four weeks. So I would say we were more than co-stars, we were friends. We were friends. And are friends. At one point I was like, may I please have your number? Because I would like to make you a real friend.

And now we text. It's really happening. Yeah. And I like it. Yes. Yes. What, what were you doing today?

What was I doing today? I woke up early with my child and I was up for about an hour and then took our child to my wife, the child's mother. And she took over and then I took a big long nap today, which I hadn't done in a long time and it felt real good. That is so nice. Yeah. Oh, I love a nap long nap today, which I hadn't done in a long time. And it felt real good. That is so nice. Yeah. Oh, I love a nap. Yes, yes. I just got back from Florida.

I was doing shows. So I did a show at Elon University in North Carolina. Okay. And then I went to Orlando. The Elon show was really fun. My opener was this guy named John Lee, who was so fucking good. Wow. I guess he's 19.

He did like a 15-minute set. He was so fucking funny. Wow. After the show, I was like, quit college. Move to LA. Or you have to move to New York. Yeah. Don't know if that's great advice, but he was so funny.

If it's the right person, it could be the right advice. It's not like you're saying it to a kid who you're like, oh, you should clearly be studying biology. Yeah. I was like, if you want to be a comic, like, just do it. And then I did a show at the University of Miami where they didn't know what a power hour was. But they cheered. Yes. And the show was at 10 and they were like, this is late for us.

Was this the local chapter of the Virgin Squad? I don't know. But then they cheered for cocaine. It was very uneven. I was like, so you guys don't drink but you do coke? okay alright University of Miami keep it loose keep it fresh I guess yeah if it's Miami

maybe beer is almost seen as like coffee or something maybe they're like we drink beer in the mornings and then go to sleep early and then if we're not going to go to sleep early we're going to have a lot of cocaine it was very strange and then I was in Fort Lauderdale with my best friend from high school which was like We're not going to go to sleep early. We're going to have a lot of cocaine. It was very strange. And then I was in Fort Lauderdale with my best friend from high school,

which was like really, really nice. Yeah. Oh, that's good. Yes. Your friend who lives there now or just also happened to be there. No, no. He lives there now. He said, fuck New Jersey.

I now live in Florida. Ah. Hmm. And so that was a real little tour of Florida you got there. Mm-hmm. Yeah. It was nice. Yeah. I got a convertible, and you could pick whichever one you wanted,

and there was like a Camaro, a Mustang, and then a Buick. Oh, my gosh. A big, ugly, I think it's called a Buick. Oh my gosh. I think it's called a Buick Cascade. I was like, that one. The lady was like, are you sure? And I was like, yes, give me the dark cherry Buick convertible. I was living my full Golden Girls fantasy. Oh my gosh.

I loved it. Black cherry. That sounds so cool. Do you got any pictures? No, I didn't take a single picture of that ugly car. Sometimes you don't need to. You just want to live in the moment you don't need to yeah those memories will last will last longer than any digital picture I don't know Paul you've been married for 37 years no how long have you been

married the first one you said you've been married for, I think you were going to say you've been married four times. You've been married four times. This current marriage has been for 37 years. I have an old, old man. No, we've been married for nearly five years. Oh, that's nice. When did your relationship, when were you like this is it this is the person that I want to be with

I love this person yeah well I was talking to you know my wife Leslie she's great she's the best yeah and we met at a mutual friends birthday party and

in retrospect this seems almost metaphorical. We were told, my friends and I, that it was a house party. And so I thought that meant, and I was like on the cusp of turning 30. I thought of house parties as these things that are filled with 50 people all crammed into a sweaty, loud house. And so I just wore my sloppy clothes with my two sloppy-closed friends. And we walked into the house, and we walked in, and it was like... It was like, oh, this is a nice dinner party with people.

They're all kind of gathered around the dinner table. There's nice plates of food. I was like, oh, shit. I'm now on the other side of this age. Yes, of what a house party is. Yes. It is confusing because I think the last loud house party I went to is maybe two years ago. And then the ones I've been to now are like nice

and you're inside and there's food marry a red cup to be seen you're like we could use a glass you trust me with a glass so I was in my head when I arrived you know because I was in this like sloppy hoodie and shitty jeans and

shoes and stuff and then in walks my future wife and she takes my breath away and when I see her uh she's literally like growing up in corn-fed Iowa is how I imagined the woman when I was like in eighth grade like I'd really like to date somebody like this. As I say that I'm like was that really your 8th grade fantasies come true? Is that the best way? Would somebody enjoy hearing that? I think so.

Well I told Leslie that like a week later and she liked it and then a week after that she asked me is that a line you've used before? And it wasn't. It was the truth. I likelie's like got a real nice bullshit detector she does you've said that before you're like no no i haven't well and then ultimately that's what uh uh made me finally realize i liked her was we were dating for like two or three weeks four weeks and uh

or i knew i truly was like oh i'm falling for this person was we were on for like two or three weeks, four weeks. And, uh, or I knew I truly was like, Oh, I'm falling for this person was we run a date. And I kept, uh, since we had met, just kind of, I would say something to put myself down or something like that.

And she was like, why do you do that? And I was like, I don't know. I just feel uncomfortable sometimes. Or, um, and she was like,

well, when you're around me, you don't ever have to feel uncomfortable because I like you. I was like, Oh, okay. This person's telling me I don't have to apologize for myself. It was like the best thing I could possibly hear. So after that, then it was fast moving. Oh, boy, that's so fucking sweet. That's what everybody wants to hear.

Oh, that's so nice. Yeah. I recently went on a date where I called myself a dumpster bitch and he was like, you don't have to do that. Oh, well, that's nice too. And I was like, but I'm just being funny. And he was like, yeah, I know you're being funny, but like, keep it. Yes, yes. I was like, okay, okay, cool, cool, cool.

Yeah. It is funny when you like, because I don't really think I'm like I'm putting myself down I'm just like oh I made a mistake I'm just I'm a stupid little gremlin and then I don't realize how that sounds to other like normal people who are well adjusted who are like oh you don't have to do that

I know I know self deprecation sometimes can be a thin a thin line because people don't know how they... I always assume like if somebody's making any sort of self-deprecating joke, it's because they're at a place enough where they're cool to talk about and share about. Yes, where they're okay with it.

So when somebody leaps to kind of do the... Like I remember once somebody said something insulting to my friend in college and i went hey to the friend who was insulting the friend and the person who was insulted was like what's your problem it's like what like you're the one making it bad by reacting going hey don't talk like that like me you know so it's it's all complicated it's a very fine line because you're like is this person okay yes they're okay who knows um when did you how did you propose did you propose or did leslie propose i proposed um and uh but you know it was like like a... I wasn't sticking my chin out, not knowing fully if I was going to get... I think it was fully known,

like eventually this proposal is going to happen. But one morning I woke up and I was like, hey, what if we stayed in a hotel tonight? Wouldn't that be fun? And I think immediately she knew she was going to get proposed to so the cat was out of the bag yeah then we uh went to a hotel i we had dinner and then i proposed to her and she said yes um but then i like look back on it like retrospect that night i called everybody i knew to tell them that I got engaged.

Then later I was like, that's weird. I could have maybe waited until the next day because my wife, my future wife who just said yes now is like waiting in the other room while I make calls to like my high school buddies. But I think that's what you're supposed to do. Yeah. My high school buddies. But I think that's what you're supposed to do. Yeah. You know, it's funny because you watch movies and TV shows and stuff where it's like there's an immediate call.

And so I think I did it because I saw it. I don't know if I asked a human being in real life. Because I think if anybody's ever told me, it's always been a couple days later. I, well, I guess. I don't know if I've ever gotten like the fresh, hot, hey, this happened a half hour ago calls. So maybe that's where I was a bit of a weirdo. I'm trying to think if I've gotten, well, my friend Jen Jen got like a pretty public proposal.

So our other very good friend Evan orchestrated this like very public proposal with like singers on the street. Wow. So I got like a little video, like right after it happened. And I was like, Oh boy, this is cute. Yeah. Um, I want to get proposed to you on a plane on my flight today. I was like, yeah, I think this is, I want to be proposed to you on a plane. And then I want to go, no. So then everybody goes, oh my God, like at the beginning of a long flight. And then like a couple minutes later, be like, actually, no, I do want to marry you.

And then everyone's like, oh boy. Okay. Crisis averted. And then we all like party together and have champagne. Yes. Doing like a conga line on an airplane would be really great. But if you said, yeah,

if he proposed to you and you said no, and then you put on a parachute and jumped out of the plane. Honestly, that would be best case scenario. And everyone's like, well, I guess she earned it. She didn't want to be next to the person who proposed to her.

In college once, uh, at a, uh, I did a fake proposal with a girl that I was dating and we planned that she would say no in front of me. We used to do this sketch night. And so I proposed to her and she said no.

And then we planned that this next sketch started going on. And while the next sketch is going on and then while the next sketch is going on we're like arguing with each other uh it ruined people's night nobody likes to yeah because everyone's like oh my god this is like really upsetting yeah and then later we revealed that it was fake and then for the next like four months people would come up to me and be like i'm sorry she said no to you and i like, but we told you it was a joke. Why are you? I did a hidden camera show, which is for me tough.

I don't really like lying to people and making people feel foolish. And that's the whole premise of a hidden camera show. You don't like humiliating and shaming people? No, it doesn't make me feel good. Oh, interesting. But we did a proposal where it was like a very loud, busy restaurant. And he like got on one knee and was like, I love you. I want to marry you. And I'm like, we've only been on two dates.

Carl, why would you do this? And then someone's like in my ear being like, say that he like, he like slipped down the stairs yesterday and that was embarrassing. I'm like, you slipped down the stairs yesterday. It was embarrassing for me. I don't want to marry a slipper. And then it went on for like 10 minutes. And this like older woman was like, honey, stop screaming. This is bad for him.

And I was like, I know, but I can't marry him. And then you had to be like, just just kidding you're on a hidden camera prank show and then everyone's like oh so the prank is on the people in the restaurant yes the guy who was proposing to you obviously was in on it and like after

we're done he's like that was so funny and I was like was it did Did it, it felt good for you? That sounds like an impractical joker. Mm-hmm. Did you see the practical jokers movie

that came out? No, they have a movie? Yeah, it came out this weekend. In theaters? Yeah. No.

I haven't seen the show, but somebody was describing the show to me in an effort to help me understand the movie. What was the prank show you were on? It was called MTV's Ladylike, where we flip the switch on men. So, like, one of the pranks is, like, just dropping a box of tampons and seeing if men will help us pick them up.

It was a very, I would say, grateful for the experience. But I left being like, yeah, prank shows, not for me. You know, I had a, my, uh, a friend, Mike Cassidy was on a,

uh, prank show that was called women behaving badly. And he was a part of a prank where he was standing outside a bowling alley asking his wife is asking for help. His wife is asking for help because he wife, in quotes, is asking for help because he put his dick in a bowling ball and it got stuck. But they couldn't shoot inside the bowling alley. So Mike is just standing outside the thing.

Wait, like naked? Or like where his pants are on? And I think he's just holding it up against his crotch. It's not like there's a fake penis in it or something. Prank shows anybody who's fooled by those gotta be a potato brain. You gotta be a potato brain.

Yeah. I'm gonna go bowling. I'm being asked to help a wife and her husband with a... That would be wild to be like, how did you get your dick in a bowling ball? Why did you come outside? Yeah, why aren't you in the bathroom?

This doesn't seem right. Call a friend. Or go home. Get in your car. Get in your car and fucking go home. You don't belong outside if your dick is in a bowling ball. Also, like, what a thin dick. Yes, yes.

Because fingies go in the holes. Well, and also you'd think there'd be maybe an effort to de-harden. Maybe that would just loosen it up. He's like, oh, no, I'm still rock hard in this bowling ball. Oh, I love the feel of a heavy ball right on my dick. Oh, what a wild prank. That's so funny that someone got paid to come up with

that. Well, as I was saying, it's like maybe when girls behaving badly, the behaving badly was doing pranks badly. Yeah, maybe that was the whole conceit of the show. We're going to do this poorly. Women pranking poorly. Women be pranking poorly.

Have you, oh, so love is, is love, love is based on your relationship or no? Very early, but then it quickly became not us. Oh, okay. Yeah, not based, because Leslie and I co-created it together. But no, I mean, there was a lot of stuff that was different. And as soon as we, it came out that we were doing the show, and it was saying, oh, it was was loosely or it was based on our relationship

we were like oh we have to do something different because if I read that a couple was doing something based on I would hate them I would be like why do you think you're so special that you think the world

needs to see this the longest wedding speech in the world wants to see. To see how, like, the longest, like, wedding speech in the world or the longest, like, holiday card where you have to be going, oh, okay, look what they did this year. What a treat. What a day. Yeah. So for that reason, primarily, we thought we needed to change stuff up.

But what are things that were similar? change stuff up but but what are things that were similar i guess uh mickey's from long island and or from new jersey and leslie's from long island and i'm from iowa but my character was from south dakota i love it just change it slightly the state next door next to the state you're from was dating and working with Leslie hard or no I I thought it was very romantic like

when I would stand back and think about I'd be like oh this is really cool we get to work together and when I fall in love with somebody, and it's only happened maybe a few times in my life, but whenever it's happened, it's because the person is really funny and really talented. And so it almost gets enhanced when you're working on something

because you're getting to see the person be talented and be funny at that and get to do it together. So it's actually a pretty cool thing to share with your lover. Okay, here's a wild question. Did you guys carpool to work? That is not a wild question. That is such a great question. We did not. Okay.

Because it was like a drive across town to the west side. And we did it a couple times. And we realized, as most people know, they drive to and from work. Those are some special times in terms of solitude. And times to make yourself happy. Listen to the thing to do to make yourself happy listen to the thing you want to listen to or eat the thing you want to eat uh or if you're sad cry cry well i think on the way there it's sort of like what do you want to do to get in the mindset of work whatever makes you happy you kind of want to be able to do and then on the way back from work you want to be

able to like sit with the feelings you just experienced and stuff and sometimes it's not good to hop in a car after being in a room for eight hours to start talking again it was definitely like nice to have the decompression time i mean me and my sister were in the same grade in high school and we didn't even drive to school together you guys were the same grade i didn't know that yeah she went to so my sister's like a very quiet person so and she like would do things where like she would write her name backwards and stuff and then the teachers would be like why why and she's like i don't know i'm bored so like they were like oh maybe it's a developmental thing so she went to like an extra grade called uh pre-k no first uh what was it called i don't know

it was like an extra step in between kindergarten and first grade so then by we were in the same grade from first grade to graduation wow lucky you guys i mean that sincerely i think it'd be nice to it was very fun to have someone but it was so funny because like she was in honors classes and i like barely went. You'll be like, Catherine, where is your sister? She's like, oh, I don't know. Nobody knows. It's the mystery of today.

Well, you know what, though? I think in general, I think when a sibling dynamic is based on we're different and not one is trying to keep up in the path or follow the same path as the one that seems to be getting like love or effect. Like, I don't know. It seems like your parents raised you guys right if the two of you felt like you could have your own individual personalities. Oh, very, very individual. Yes. She drove a minivan, which I thought was really funny. My mom's old car. And it was just very funny because she's

like five foot nothing. And she would get into this big minivan. And then I drove a Mitsubishi Mirage, which is a very small car and I was always bigger than her. I don't know why we did that. We should have switched cars. That's cute.

Maybe it was like when they say a guy gets a cool car it's because he has a small little dick maybe because your sister was smaller she wanted a big car she want a big car to compensate she's like oh i got a big clit oh she'll be so upset to hear that oh she'll go nicole why would you ever when do you remember your first oh wait we should take a break okay yeah and now we're back okay paul do you remember your first girlfriend like your first relationship i mean i remember crushes and even the like

we're saying we're going out which is sort of like first to seventh grade first grade oh first grade I was like I'm going out with Kayla Ruther mom and she's like don't say that

your mother was like no please you're in first Don't say that. Your mother was like, no, please. You're in first grade. Do not say that. And now I realize why she doesn't want me. That's like too. It's too young. Yeah, it's too young. But that's very funny.

Yeah. And I had crushes and you'd ask that person, do you want to go out? They'd say yes. You wouldn't do anything. Then you could just say to people, you know, we're deeming. Yeah.

Yeah. Where are you going? Nowhere to the cafeteria. But my first girlfriend was like in high school. Yes. And I have many memories of it. And, uh,

uh, I think about it in terms of a lot of things, in terms of great, when you experience something for the first time that feels really good. away like after the breakup I'll never have knock on wood like a breakup that will feel as terrible as that one felt because it was the first time I was getting robbed of something that I never felt before that was like the reason you're put on earth it's just like your brain just dumps a bunch of chemicals to be like love love this person and get it, you know, something. So like, yeah, when we, when I say like it taught me other things now, when I face failure, disappointment and other things, I go, well, this is like when I got broken up in high school. I just, I don't have a barometer for the loss of this. So I just kind of got to like, and then like two more breakups happen or two more disappointments or failures.

You're like, oh, okay, this is just life. It's a series. It's a series of breakups. It's a series of disappointments and failures. It really sucks when you realize that because you're like, maybe this will be it. And you're like, no, no. Okay, this will be bad too.

Yeah, you also think, uh, I don't know. Cause nobody tells you, uh, that there isn't really a hack to being happy. You're old. Nobody tells you when you're a kid.

Yes. Maybe now they do. I think we had this conversation, Nicole, where we're talking about like, Oh, when you're a kid, nobody tells you that.

I don't have many memories of teachers going like life is peaks and valleys yeah I have zero memories of any adults or teachers saying that life is peaks and valleys and that disappointment comes and you'll be upset but like that passes and there's other opportunities and I don't know why we don't tell people that yeah unless they were telling it and I just wasn't listening because I wasn't open to hearing that, but I don't think I ever heard the sort of, the main thing that I heard like when I was like 20,

I was like, oh yeah, I wish I would have heard that 10 years ago, was the like with pain comes growth and with growth comes, now I do feel like maybe that's probably like in a Pixar movie, I'm sure every other Pixar movie has it but like the movies I was watching growing up it was always like teamwork okay yeah a lot of teamwork or like imagination use your imagination it's like okay well I watched back

to the future a lot as a kid and that that taught me nothing. Well, it taught you. It taught me that I could go back in time and learn that Marty McFly invented blues. Well, I told you why I think Back to the Future is so popular with people. Oh, yes, yes, yes. It plays on our great fantasy that we have the power to make our parents fall in love with each other. When you're a kid, you're just like, I know I fucked this up. They were happier before I came along. God, wouldn't it be so great if I made them fall in love with each other like they did before I came along?

That's what Back to the Future is. I think you're right. It feels good to watch. I think you're fully right. I often wonder what my parents' relationship was before me and my sister. Because I'm sure it was like, sexy. I know. I know.

I know. It's so funny to imagine. Right? But then you have kids and you're like, well, we can't really be sexy anymore. After my mom died, my dad started making homemade bread on Saturdays. And I was like, why do you make bread on Saturdays? Like on Saturday mornings? He was like, I used to do it for your mother. And I was like, how romantic.

Why didn't you do that when she was living? And when we were growing up, it just seemed so strange that kids happen. He was like, no more bread. He's like, if anything, kids love bread. Kids love bread. Families love bread. Every time I go to a subway, I'm like, that's not

what bread smells like. Get back to my Saturday afternoons with my dad. Give me that bread. Have you had a bunch of relations? Have you ever done apps? No. You haven't. Have you? You're so lucky. Leslie and I met

in 2011 and on our first or second date she said are you on Instagram? So that tells you where we were falling in terms of the app world. I was on Twitter.

But the dating apps, no way. But that means I didn't even use Instagram as a dating app, a makeshift dating app. And you can. People will try to slide into your DMs and say nasty things to you. Yeah, but I'm a married man.

And also, I don't think I exude that come and get it vibe. The come and get it vibe. Yeah, and my DMs are closed on Twitter. That's probably smart. Well, not with people who

I mutually, the mutual follows, those DMs are are open those are wide open yes yes yes i think about maybe restricting my dms but then people send me a lot of fun things i uh if i was single my my messages would be open yeah but no i didn't uh i i lived through it vicariously with my friends and get to have that sort of fun. It's exhausting. Do you think? It is a little.

It's like quaaludes, though. Like, I missed out. I missed out on some good times, I think. I wonder if there are quaaludes still just floating around this earth. Well, again, not to keep saying this earth. Well, again, not to keep saying this over and over, but I, I think we,

I said this to you before, which was, I think the closest things to lewds are ambient. Yeah. Yeah. But like, okay. I love true lewds. No,

I want some real lewds. I love thrifting one because I love old clothes and I like that clothes have a story to tell and I like to make up my own stories. Like I have this big polka dot shirt and I'm like, this is big mama's going out shirt. She died and she died before she could go out. So now it's mine.

But I'm always like, will I find like a bottle of lewds in like a purse at a thrift store? That would be. And if it's like a bottle of lewds in like a purse at a thrift store? That would be. And if it's like a bottle, if it's like fine wine. Right? Or it's aged. It's aged and blossomed and the bouquet is there. It'll go into some San Fernando Valley thrift store and some sad Encino mom left a big bottle of ludes in a purse.

She was like, I'm going to donate all of my mother's belongings. I'm not going to look through it one time, and then I'm going to open it up and be like, I'll take these drugs. I absolutely would take drugs if I found them in a bag at a thrift store. Now everyone's going to go to thrift stores and be looking at bags and be like, are there ludes in here? Now everyone's going to go to thrift stores and be looking at bags and being like, are there lids in here?

Yeah, I know. They took our idea. But my wife, she loves thrift stores. And we'll actually land when we go back home to Iowa where I live. We'll actually land in Kansas City. So we get a nice six-hour drive of straight-up antiquing and thrifting. Ooh, that's nice. Yeah, because then it's less picked over than it is in L.A. Yeah, in L.A., it's super picked over if you go to an actual thrift store. And then if you go to the Melrose Flea Market or whatever,

all the shit you can get for $6 is like $50 or $100. Yes, yeah. There's way more of it not in L.A. and it's cheaper. Those are the two huge things. You're right. Yeah. I found this fabulous. I can't remember the brand of the jacket, but like Rihanna was seen wearing this like vintage faux fur coat, which like wasn't upscale in the like the time, but like it was funky and weird and Rihanna was wearing it so then i was like i want it so then i found it at the melrose flea market for 600 and i was like this is a 25 coat and she was like well it was seen on rihanna and i was like you've got to be kidding me and then i went hunting on ebay and i found it for 35 damn that is so much fun i bet to be able to because I bet it scratches some like

hunter-gatherer part of your brain. I get to seek this out and find it and then also the satisfaction of oh and I'm only paying $35. Yeah, I'm paying $35 and someone someone out of their mind might pay $600 for this faux fur coat

that has a stain on it. Oh, boy. I grew up in the—my childhood was marked by—growing up in wintertime in snowy areas, my life was marked by many moms having fake fur coats and isotoners. What's an isotoner? Isotoner gloves was like an 80s fashionable woman's glove. Kanye references them once in a song. Isotoners.

Yes, I've heard it. I just don't know. Yeah, they're kind of like leather stitched gloves. Oh, I know exactly what those are. But when my mom would go to like bridge club with her friends they'd go over to like somebody's house when she'd come home she'd have a cold winter coat and cold isotoners that's that had like a flurry of every woman's perfume that had like attached it was the most glorious i love that when you're a kid and you're warm and somebody comes in and their hands are cold and then smell like many women's perfumes.

Oh my God. It's the best. That probably did a lot to like eventually craft what I find like attractive. You know, you're just like, what was the perfume of my mom's friends? And the other one was, I was just thinking right now, my two older sisters, they did

dance classes in like gymnastics and we'd have to go pick them up and my mom would pull up and she'd go okay go inside and get amy and ann and to be like a five year old six year old boy walking through this like what felt like a girl's academy of like 30 girls who i'm just a little toe-headed five-year-old boy walking through. So it's not, there's no sexual attraction. It's just like, oh, look at Amy and his little brother. Nicole is the best view of the world that's ever been topped.

Just like a bunch of older-ish girls being like, oh, aren't you a cutie? You're like, I am. I'm the cutest little boy. I came to get my sister's little boy. I could imagine that. So funny. Yes, but it's so funny that it's not I'm registering it as like, this feels good to get female attention,

but the vibe that was put out was not take me to dinner. No. You're half my size. You're so tiny and cute. Yes, yes. I have been starting to think about,

I'm like, oh, I guess a lot of things in my childhood have like mapped what I look for in a partner. And I think I like to be ignored because then I'm like, I'll make it so you don't ignore me, which is like an insane thing because then I'm like I'll make it so you don't ignore me which is like an insane thing and I'm like working on trying to figure that out in therapy

and like to you know say things once and not chase people because chasing is a thing I love to do I do too and I like to be ignored as well and who don't? who don't right like uh that was always like such a vexing thing when you're like uh you know i get through life by being nice nicole that's

my little mechanism and i remember in high school and college when I first had to like, okay, I'm getting the things I need and want in life through niceness. Wait a minute. Niceness is going to get in the way of having somebody fall in love with me. I got to ignore them. I can't do this. It's so complicated that like you have to make somebody miss you where i'm just like why can't we all i say this like almost every week i'm like why can't we all just say what we mean yes i like you i want to be with you why why do i have to be ignored or ignore you or whatever yes that's why i was so

previously what i just told you when leslie was like you don't have to it was the first time I had been with somebody who was like essentially saying that of sort of like we can cut out this weird shit that you're adding into this but I wonder if that's partly you know

maybe you're younger than us Nicole much much younger and so I don't know that could have also been you know, maybe you're younger than us, Nicole. Slightly. No, much, much younger. And so, I don't know. That could have also been Leslie. I played many games, and she's probably played many games in previous relationships.

So maybe by that point, we were both kind of like beaten down enough. Game shmames. I mean, it is exhausting. But then, oh, maybe I gotta date up. Maybe I gotta date older. Without me prying, you don't have to answer if you don't want to, but what's the oldest person you've dated?

Or what's been the age gap? I think the oldest person I've dated was maybe three or four years older than me. So not super older. So maybe I gotta look for someone who's like 50. Well, at least he's like, I think only a year and a half older than me. I'm not doing a Kuchar Moore situation. Kuchar Moore? Oh, Ashton Kuchar and Demi Moore.

I love that you're on. Did he Kuchar Moore? Kuchar Moore? Kuchar Moore? I was talking to this guy on Hinge. He was crazy. He was on Hinge.

He was unhinged. I think I read this to you when we were on set and I think you said that when we were on set. Unhinged. Unhinged. But his first match is say i read this on another episode but uh i said that my childhood crush was captain picard from star trek and he said make it so oh shit that's a little aggressive engage shit that's worse earl grey tea hot that's safe wait what did i just send so then i said to him that you're literally insane and then I I kept talking to him

because I was like I want to go out with this person I like I'm so curious as to like what they're like in person because they suck so bad on the app and he was like I guess it's been close to two weeks without hearing anything is a sign to move

along thanks for the chat. Nicole appreciate people's time on here when I'm starting out. And I was like, you never asked me out. Are you gonna? And he goes, ah, shit.

I didn't know if that's what I should be doing. I just made plans to go out of town to meet up with some old friends, but the opportunity to ask you out stays open for a little longer. I'm sure I'll give you the opportunity to turn down that date request. And I was like, why do you think I'm going to turn it down? So I just said, okay okay hit me up when you're back in town and that was february 12th weird isn't that bizarre uh i know people this sort of like when do you have to formally ask but that the fact that he didn't and then also then you gave him the opportunity and he's like

i'm going with friends he made plans to go out of town with his friends. That guy is a true psycho. Yeah, he's like, not okay. But if he maybe, if the opportunity arises, would you? I'm going to go out with him. I really would like to see what a crazy person's like like just sit down and like be like so like what do you have to say in person because you've said a bunch of gibberish to me on this app on this thing that he can control

what he says yes like i noticed a couple times and maybe this is just his sense of humor but when he was like ha ooh you don't have to write those sounds man you can think them he's like what's his name Noah Bumbacher

who did a marriage story is that his name where he has very specific ums and stuff in his script and you gotta say them all maybe he thinks he's him

but he's like yes my texts are very they're precious you have to keep the ums and all the natural spiraling thoughts if that guy that guy could be uh no bomb back in disguise i hope so yeah or just a straight up fucking murderer i mean that's like another thing about the dating apps because i'm like, okay, I'm literally meeting strangers. Who's gonna stop someone from just killing me?

Yeah. Do you get, um, do you get killer vibes and just stay away from somebody just on the... 2020, I'll go out with anybody, baby. Any old person who asks me out, I'll go out with anybody baby any old person who asks me out I'll go out with them

it's a new day it's a new year that's just been like my philosophy this year I'll just go at first when you said 2020 I forgot that was the year and I thought that was like a short way of saying 2020 is hindsight is 2020

it's like 2020 I'm looking back on it way of saying 2020 is, hindsight is 2020. It's like 2020, I'm gonna just date everyone. I'm looking back on it, you know what, I'm gonna just say yes to everything. That's good though, being you're like Jim Carrey in Yes Man. Yes! I've never seen the movie. Neither have I. But I think

the premise is he's saying yes to everything. Yes, he's opening his arms to the world and to life. Have you seen, what's, The Truman Show? Sure, yes. The Truman Show I really liked, but then it really made me upset that everyone was gaslighting him. Yeah, yeah. Just keep this show going.

Yeah, it seems a little unfair to that guy. Super unfair. And then I was like, a lot of people were in on this to trick one person? Yeah. That's crazy. Yeah, yeah. And there's some of our great actors, Laura Linney, Ed Harris. They want to trick this guy?

They want to trick this poor man? It's very rude. Why would you ever? Did you shed a tear during the Truman Show? I don't think I did. I think I was really stuck on, like, these people are bad. Yeah. These people are evil.

And it's not going to go easy for him then when he steps out and goes into the real world, because then it's eventually Truman Show 2, where... Yes, where people are going to be following him and be like you were on the Truman Show and he's like not by choice yeah so he had no choice in this matter no and it's probably like

coming out of jail what like you know when you leave jail and you're like everything is so different and weird I want to go back

I want to go back to jail I want to go back to the Truman Show yeah yeah I uh I think that was a date movie for me.

Mm-hmm. The Trubin Show. I also, I think my first date movie was Nine Months. The Hugh. Isn't that like a sexy movie? Well, it's like a guy. No, that's nine and a half weeks. Oh.

Nine Months is like the Hugh. Hugh Grant. Hugh Grant. And Julianne Moore. He gets her pregnant and it's about a guy trying not to lose his noodle in the nine months. And it was like, this guy, this guy's usually a cad. He's flipping out about having to finally settle down or something like that.

I love that. That's the premise of a lot of movies. A man being like, ah, I have to settle down with something like that. I love that that's the premise of a lot of movies. A man being like, ah, I have to settle down with this woman. And I think they all end with both people going to an abortion clinic and getting

an abortion, right? Isn't that how most of... Nope, no, none of them. That's never even brought up. I wish that two separate movies ended with a trip to the abortion clinic and they were like ah that's the end for the movie and that baby

it's a 24 minute movie people are like I'm glad I paid full admission I'm so glad I came to this movie what are good date ideas I don't know I never know what to do on a date movies are good cause then you have something to talk about after. Yeah.

Well, we talked about how you were saying dinner after a movie is good because then you got the movie to talk about at dinner. I think it's insane to do it the other way. Well, the first date Leslie and I, we went on, we went dinner first, then date, then movie. And our memory of that is we were talking so much, we almost missed the movie. Oh, that's cute. So that has its own sort of thing where you're like, I was going so well and now we got to go to a movie.

But we'll get to start talking again once the movie's done. That has its own energy. Do you remember what movie you guys saw? Attack the Block. I don't know that movie at all. It's from the UK, but it's about a group of kids. Some aliens attack England, some London, some youths. Get back at the aliens.

You got to do movie reviews. Some aliens attack the youth, the kids, the block. This guy uses youth a lot no what do you yeah and I don't think it has to be do you think the movie matters I guess if it's a bad movie

it's not a it can kind of hurt the day I don't think the movie matters I think you can go any old movie because then if it's bad you can talk about how bad it was it was good

you can talk about how good it was but what if it's bad and the other person liked it you're like but then you're like oh i know what your taste level is like it was just a good indicator yes yes like i love bad movies oh me too like a movie that's like trash makes me so happy uh i watch more trash than good stuff. Same. So I don't feel jealousy. Have you seen Ma? Nah.

The movie's so wild. I want to. You know, I like horror movies, so I should watch it. I liked it, but it was fully fucking bonkers. Bonkers like in how it was made or what its content? Well, it seemed like a nice, weird movie.

And then like an hour and a half in, it takes like a hard turn. And you're like, oh my God, Ma, you're crazy. But I did enjoy it. That's good, that's good. I should check out Ma. Horror movies are fun to see with a loved one. I like to watch horror movies, but I yell too much

and I don't want someone to get mad at me. Because I also watched The Visit, which is an M. Night Shyamalan movie from 2015 where these two kids go visit their grandparents and their grandparents are like fucking nutty, like just weird. And at one point she's like naked in the hallway. This grandma is like, ah!

And you see her butt and you're like, ooh, juicy. At one point she's like crawling and I just went, no, thank you. And my friend was like, stop saying no, thank you. I was like, but I don't want this. This is not for me. No, thank you. But nobody in the theater minded.

Well, this was at my friend's house. Oh, okay. But I think in a theater people might mind. I went on a double date. My wife and my friend's girlfriend, my friend as well, they were talking. And during the trailers, which I think quiet whispering during the trailers is fine. This hot onion breath psycho shoves his head between the crack of the two seats and like hostile like whispers at them like why are we trying to watch a movie and i looked over and

uh my friend's girlfriend is telling him off and leslie's laughing it's oh i think I saw you immediately after this. Yes. Yeah, at the Arclight. Yes. Yes. How wild. Weird. And we told you this. Yes. Oh, my gosh.

What a crazy, tiny, small world. And I wish I was there because our friend, who is a real firecracker, I love watching her yell at people. Yes, that's what was fun about it. Because she does it in a way where you're like, she's not wrong. You should feel bad. Yes. And you should go away forever. Well, when he first started talking to her, her mouth just dropped.

And she just like stared at the person for like a full minute. I'm just like, you are talking to me in that manner? Which is a really funny reaction you give to somebody. That's very funny. Yeah, yeah. I don't think I've ever told anyone in a theater to be quiet. Although I did tell someone during the Bodyguard musical at the Pantages Theater,

I said, can you not sing so loudly? Cause they were singing along. Cause it's Whitney Houston song. So like, we all know them. We're all having a gay old time. And he's just like screaming in my ear. And I was like, sir, can you truly not sing so loudly? He's like, we're all having a great time and we're all singing.

And I was like, but no one is singing as loud as you. Like I'm singing softly and then he moved seats and he kept like just looking back at me and i was like okay well now i feel like an asshole maybe i shouldn't have said anything but then everyone around me after he moved was like oh thank god yes thank god he went away so you're not saying to him don't sing at all yes just turn down the volume a little bit. A little softer. Does the Bodyguard have other non-Bodyguard Whitney songs or is it just

like, I don't know if they try to cheat and try to squeeze in a little I want to dance with somebody. They might end it with that? No, I don't think so. I think it's just Bodyguard songs. But they changed the play is different than the movie. It was very confusing.

So like the person who's trying to kill her is a different person than it was in the movie. And you're like, well, why would you, I have the source material. Why did you change it? Do you want me to bring the DVD from home for you guys? I'll put it on a projector. I'll show you how it's supposed to be. It was very confusing. But there was a Costner-like

bodyguard? There was. And he was, I think I remember him being very handsome. The actor who played... What about Kevin Costner ever? Oh, I think Kevin Costner's so hot. I think he's easy on the eyes. His acting, though.

You're not a fan of the acting? Fair. A little mean for somebody I think he's easy on the eyes. His acting, though. You're not a fan of the acting? Mm-mm. Fair. Okay. A little mean for somebody who's not that great of an actor to be like... Yeah, Kevin Costner. Oscar-nominated, Oscar-winning Kevin Costner. He has an Oscar? I think for directing.

Oh, Dances with Wolves? Yes, yes, yes. Honestly, that movie had very little dialogue and that bummed me out. You wanted more talking? I wanted more talking. We got to see some Costner butt. Did we? I gotta go back and watch it.

Certainly in the Robin Hood movie, you see him, it's so gratuitous. Made Mary is like walking through the forest to try to find Robin Hood and she looks down at a waterfall and you see his butt through a waterfall. I love it. I love it. I love it.

I love showing a butt. Well, in The Visit, we got to see an old lady's butt, Matt. I do feel like there's been a drop off in male actors showing their... That was like,

for 10 years, like a stock and trade in our industry was like, Mel Gibson's butts. Oh, wait, in Ma, you see a dick. Whoa. And when it happened, I was like Mel Gibson's butts. Oh wait, in Ma you see a dick.

Whoa. And when it happened I was like, whoa. Oh boy. Because you never see dicks on film. No. You only see them in porns. You can't even have them in love.

We were like, let's have this be the first comedy that has a bare boner in it as a joke. And there are really tight stipulations about it because then it automatically becomes pornography. Oh, really? Yeah. Like an erect penis denotes pornography because it means it's ready for sex. Ready for use? Yes.

Is that like a standards thing? I think so. Or is that for everything, like across the board? I think it's also across the board like a club. you know, like a club, like a, you know, like, I think like dancers and people can't, if they're on stage and they get a boner, then it becomes like obscene. Oh. Like, I think you can't have like a bare boner on a stage in the world.

Yeah, I guess not. Can you? I don't know. Listeners. Yeah. If anyone knows the rules about bare boners, you can email me at baconcansave at gmail.com. Please don't sign me up for any more lists,

but you can just email me if you know. Yeah, I guess it does become pornography, but like how weird. Well, and then it's weird that, yeah, for men there's clear arousal, but there isn't a... Yeah, for women, because you can show titties all day long, and then I think you could show mounds. Mounds? Like the mounds pubis. Oh, yes, yes. But I don't think you can get it open.

It should show lips. No, I don't think you can get it open. It's shit lips. No, I don't think. Oh, boy. There might be a couple of Disney movies that just open up. Yep, yep. Oh, I almost just said Sleeping Beauty, which makes it sound even more rapey. You know, you see Sleeping Beauty's posting. Was she sleeping?

I don't know. Well, that was the ultimate Laura, right? Was the like, oh, there's dirty stuff in cartoons growing up. That was the talk of the town. Yes. Yeah. But in like, so there's sex in the stars in Aladdin, which I think is actually there. And then the priest has a boner in the Little Mermaid.

That's actually there. But it's not bare. No, it's actually there. But it's not bare. No, it's not bare. So it's not obscene. And then there's like in the castle on the Little Mermaid DVD box, there is a dick on there. Yeah, what's going on with the Little Mermaid? Yeah, whoever made the Little Mermaid was like really horny. Like, are we sure her fins have to cover her pussy?

Can we just sing it? I had a college art instructor, this multimedia instructor, who anything anybody would bring in, he would say, very phallic. He's like, I don't think all the projects are phallic.

I think you're seeing all the projects as dicks. He's just horny and happy to be here alright Paul we've come to the end that was so much fun thank you for doing this breeze on by much breeze on by much time flies when you're having fun

it does I've been really bad and I keep forgetting to ask my guests this but if you were single would would you date me? Of course. Without a doubt. What a treat. Do you have anything that you want to promote?

Oh. I'll do another podcast. I do a podcast called In Voorhees We Trust with Gourley and Rust and In Myers We Trust with Geyer's and Rust. And they're podcasts about the Friday the 13th, the Friday 13th and Halloween movies. I love the wait, what is the name of this podcast? Matt Gourley and I do it. And so the first one In Voorhees We Trust because Jason Voorhees is very good. So in Voorhees we trust

with Gourley and Rust. And then Mike Myers. So we did it in Myers we trust with Geyers and Rust. And Matt Gourley legally changed his last name

to Geyers in order to keep the rhyme. I love that very much. It truly made me giggle very hard. It was Matt's idea. It's great. It's his joke.

Give credit where credit's due. That's nice of you. Thank you. I'm kind of a great guy. I wish I could remember. You said a joke. Oh, wait. Yes.

Okay. I remember. There was two things you said. There was one joke I laughed really hard at, and you were like, to be fair, I thought of this yesterday, and I was saving it for today. I can't remember what the joke it was. But I asked you, I go, Paul,

if you could time travel anywhere, where would you go? And you went, hmm, I guess I would go back and move that rock right back in front of Jesus's tomb so he couldn't rise again.

And it made me laugh so hard because you genuinely thought about it and then said it so seriously. And then did the most like Dennis the Menace type thing to time travel. Oh boy. Sorry.

He's like, no, you don't understand. I have to rise. It's important. It's really important that I get out of here. I have to be resurrected. Sorry. Sorry, I'll stand in for you. Oh, boy.

Jesus said, follow me, man. That was like Bart Simpson. Yeah. Yeah. I forget what the thing was, though, that I canned. And then I said, oh, I thought of that yesterday. I was waiting to say it. And then you were very kind,

Nicole. You were like, you don't have to say that. Like it was funny. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,

yeah. Oh boy. I think we're letting me know like transparency is good in a lot of things, but it doesn't necessarily need. You don't have to do it in jokes and jokes. People. And that's the takeaway. Don't have to have transparency in jokes.

But Paul, you're so dang funny. Oh, you're so dang funny. And every night I would come home and I would have a new, like, Nicole said this today to give to Leslie and we would crack up. And it was, what, 20 days? Mm-hmm. 20. It was 19 or 20 days.

19, you're right. And it was so much fun. It was a real treat. And you're right And it was so much fun It was a real treat And you made it so much fun I told you a story about how someone left peanuts in my pussy After eating a Snickers bar And your response was you laughed and then hugged me Well it's

I'm so happy Anyone Wants to share and be open about their life You just want to Encourage that anytime you see it. I loved it. Well, if you loved this episode of Why Won't You Date Me? Why Won't You Date Me? You can send something nasty to me and I'll read it out loud.

So this person said, Sup, I want to milk that puss juice out of you like a little cow and fill the water tank in my basement. Wait, I think I read that one already. When you got to water tank, you're like, oh yeah. I was like, yeah, yeah. Because I wanted to drink from the water tank, which is gross. Okay.

Something nasty. Ew, baby, I want to break a big sack of coconuts with those beautiful black butt cheeks so I can harvest my own coconut oil to cover you from tits to toes. What about my face? And after you can't possibly have another orgasm from my

mouth, I'm going to slip in and out all over your body till we're covered in each other. And then I spend the next two hours washing you free of cum and shame. Oh! I love that there is shame attached to this. There's no shame here. Yeah, a little presumptuous to think you can create shame.

Yeah, I'm never shameful. You cum all over me, and I'll never be shameful. No way, no hell. Okay, bye-bye. Bye. Okay, bye-bye. This has been a Team Coco production.