Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Loving Your Boobs (w/ Amy Miller)

Episode Date: April 3, 2020

Stand-up comedian & Nicole's opener Amy Miller (host of Who's Your God) teaches us how to spot a chucklefucker, shares her experience going through Steve Harvey's 90 day sex rule, and how to feel powerful giving a blowjob. Plus, a motivational chat about loving your girls, and a check-in from quarantine. For more Nicole Byer, check out her new podcast - Newcomers! Her and Lauren Lapkus are watching and reviewing Star Wars films for the very first time. Subscribe today so you don't miss an episode.Rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts and leave a dirty comment for a chance to have it read on-air.Follow Nicole Byer:Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdatesTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerFacebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedyBuy Merch: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/nicole-byer?ref_id=964Pre-order Nicole's new book: www.indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Wow, wow, wow! Welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? The podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single, even though you could throw popcorn down my throat and never give me water,

and I would still date you. They get dumber and dumber every episode. My guest today is my road dog. She opens for me on the road. She also has a podcast called Who's Your God? It's Amy Miller. Hello from quarantine. Yes, we are.

What's up, Nicole? Oh, we are. What's up, Nicole? Oh, not much. I was just saying that we are recording remotely because social distancing is what's going to flatten the curve of caronis. I know I miss when we could be doing stand up comedy shows and being in the room with other people. That was fun. It was fun. We have fun together. You were with me in Portland and Portland was fucking sick. We did what, seven shows? Oh, yeah. Portland was so fun. I think we have fun together. I was just saying this to Marissa. Hi, Marissa.

Our Spokane trip was dark for multiple reasons aside from the snowstorm. But yeah, we make the most of it. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Spokane, Washington. A place I don't know if I'm going to go back to. That's the thing also that's so funny is I like explore, you know? I'll like walk around the town and see its sights even in a snowstorm and like go to the mall and you're like um i'm good well i just didn't want to walk around in the snow and then the last show confirmed why i didn't want to be around those people that of course you i think you went to the arcade or

whatever but that man was like i have a nine inch dick and i was like oh my god all right get on up here and then i i ended the show after that because i was like, oh my God. All right, get on up here. And then I, I ended the show after that because I was like, I don't know how I can tell jokes after a very small man who claims to have a big dick gets on stage and like says I have to activate his dick. It was so wild. You have to activate it. It was so nuts.

And also he did not. And that's fine, but he just didn't. And so it's like, why scream that out? Yes. Why would you do that? It doesn't make any sense. Amy, can I ask you a question?

Anything you want. How long have you been doing comedy? Nine years at the end. Well, yeah, at the end of this year, it'll be 10. OK. And during these 10 years, were you single for any of these years? I was I was single for the first four, although I had some little like short little relationship things. But for the most part, when I started, I was very single.

And then, yeah. And then I slutted it up for like four years and then i've been in a relationship for five have you had i ask all female comics this because i'm very curious about it uh have you had chuckle fuckers i have had a couple attempts on the road but sometimes, I don't know. It's kind of unappealing, I think. I don't know. I mean, there is a cool way to do it. Like, it's been appealing when someone's just like, oh, you're so funny, I love your comedy, can I buy you a drink?

But if it's like, you can sort of tell when people start dropping the names of, like, other female comics, and you're like, oh, so you hung out with this person and this person and this person. All right, I'm good. Wait, has that happened to you? Yeah, I think that's more I think that's more of a phenomenon with. Don't want to stereotype, but with like lady chuckle fuckers that you can sort of deduce, you know know that it's like the more names you just dropped maybe you do this all the time although i have no judgment for that i think like i have no problems having sex with someone who has also slept with my friends i think it's beautiful um but

do you really um yeah yeah i have no issues with that i mean i don't know i'm from the bay area and it's like a very it's like a place with a lot of local pride and is therefore very incestuous in a lot of ways so okay you have a hard time finding a dude to date in the bay that hasn't been with your friends so it's like it's fun i don't know it's just a little party so the bay area is a lot like improv yeah exactly and then of course stand-up ended up being that way too so i don't mind that part but like a straight up chuckle fucker like i'm only doing this because you did a show here that's that's weird it is a little weird but like truly i was on a quest for it i was like this is fully what i want I want to like fuck people on the road who are like

into me because they think I'm funny and then yeah well it didn't ever really happen for me so now I've given up on it oh I mean that's sick that makes me truly furious and since I've been in a relationship I I've tried to like wingman or wing person for like lady headliners if I'm opening. So I'm happy any time to do that for you. But it is shocking how scared boys get sometimes. Yeah. Men seem to not find me sexually appealing when they find me funny. That doesn't make any sense.

I don't know. I can't put my finger on it. I mean, lately what I've been getting, you know, back when you could tour two weeks ago, I would get a lot of like men who'd be like, I'm,

I'm a straight male and I'm a fan of yours. And I go, okay. And they're like, and this is my girlfriend and you're my pass. And I'm like, okay. Okay.

Let's do it. Well, I'm just like, do you think I'm just gonna like open up my labia and like let you dive into my fucking uh vulva no sir no thank you while your weird girlfriend with no neck is watching me no so this is my theory I think that the problem is a lot of the ones who would like we truly would want to fuck. And like that, like they're also men sometimes that think they're being respectful by not bothering you. And it's like, well, no, like there's no way for you to know for sure. But I mean, try it.

You know, I think they just get intimidated sometimes. And then it's like oh why doesn't but that doesn't happen to the dudes on the road no men on the road can literally look like a fucking potato and girls will be like oh my god that potato made me laugh so hard i'm gonna fucking carve a hole in that potato and fucking eat it out i don't know i love how he's i love how he's worn the same hoodie every show and it's from a different comedy club. It doesn't smell good, but like I hope Twizzlers fall out of his pockets because I love him. It's I truly I talk about this all the time. It's so upsetting.

It's very redundant. So sorry, Amy, I did something very interesting. I don't know if you've ever seen my dating profile, but I used to show it to my guests. I don't think so. Well, I've since stopped doing it because someone in the comments was like, this is redundant. And I was like, well, yeah, I guess if I don't change it, it's redundant. But I made some changes to my dating profile on my Hinge,

which is my main app right now i deleted my picture where i'm holding a big dildo i'm so proud thank you i am not getting as many matches as i was oh my god was it like a giant like what did the dildo look? It's like comically oversized, right? It's like, I don't know, maybe like 22 feet tall, maybe or maybe like a foot tall. It's huge. I also change. They have like little prompts. I change the prompts. It says dream dinner guest.

I said the minions, which is my old answer. But I added easy to social distance with them. Them bitches tiny. I've gotten no bites. Nobody has been looking for me. So see, I was going to say, because I was wondering not that you lost some of the comedic effect when you lost the dildo more than like the come fuck me effect. But yeah, I mean, you have that great minions line, so i don't know what they're doing thank you amy so sincere it was very sincere i felt it through the the wi-fi connection i heard it in your voice i i honestly don't know i I I don't understand.

I would date you. I don't I mean, I would swipe for sure. Thank you. Well, I figure I'm not getting hit up as much right now because nobody can leave their houses. And it's like, why start a conversation with somebody not knowing when you can fuck them? Yeah, that's legit. them yeah that's legit in general have you talked to other like um comedians or like women who like are on a fame cycle that they're because i feel like i was just talking to nikki glazer about this that she's getting a lot fewer responses since corona hit no i feel like when more people know who you are then they're like oh either this is a fake profile or she's not going to date me.

She's a cool buyer. I have no idea. I mean, if you did a quick Google search, if you know who I am, my podcast, Why Won't You Date Me, would pop up. And then you could go, oh, this is probably her because she's on a dating site. oh, this is probably her because she's on a dating site. Yeah, that's true. But we've had so many buddies who have been getting like flagged as like impersonating themselves, but still kind of. Yes, I had a friend who got flagged on Grindr.

They tried to take his profile down because they're like, you're impersonating somebody. And he's like, I am that somebody. And I think dating sites are probably just like well if you're gonna impersonate someone i don't think it'd be nicole byer yeah i i mean i think it's a crime for you to not be fucking constantly or in a relationship or whatever you want you're so funny you have that sweet sweet ass okay you're a delight to be around you can um squat all the way down to the ground

Which as a big girl I cannot do My thighs aren't strong enough Yes you can Next time we're on the road I will show you I can't do it I mean if I'm in a sex situation I can hold on to the headboard And still like sit on that dick

But I can't just like freely squat onto a dick Oh I don't think I've ever freely squatted on a dick I am on my knees. Oh, well, you should try to be on top and squat on some penises. No, no, no. I'm on my knees on top. I'm not like on my feet. Oh, yeah, but you can do that, too.

I mean, that's just another option. I'm just saying I've never done that before. I know you have the thigh strength for it. So what are we doing? Well, I'm new to being on top because for a very long time I was like, I'm not getting on top. No, thank you. No way. No, how, um, so I just started, it was like more work. No. Well, one, I didn't realize how much work it was till I started doing it. But two, I don't know if I've ever told this story on the podcast.

Maybe I have, I don't know, but I was hooking up with this dude. This is like a decade ago. And I like climbed on top of him and I looked at him and I was like, I've never done this before. And he didn't find that cute or sexy. So then I was like, okay, maybe i just don't do that anymore uh so then i stopped doing it because he had a weird response to me screaming in his face

oh fuck that guy i hate that those mom i mean i've had those moments too where like one weird response from a dude makes me think like oh maybe men don't like that but like he just sucks he did suck um we our date what do we do i met him in my apartment i was sitting on my stove eating a steak that i'd stolen from a restaurant and perfect he was like out with my friend he came to the apartment and then uh as he was leaving i gave him my headshot with my phone number on it i must have told this story mars have i told this story i don't think you have this sounds new oh okay wow it sounds new well yeah so i gave him my number with like my fucking headshot and then he called me because he left my his glasses at my apartment so i was like

the only way you get your glasses back is if we go on a date and he was like okay so he was like where do you want to go and i was like to see the color purple if you want to date a black you you probably like watching blacks which is an insane thing to say to somebody but we both showed up wasted we saw the color purple. And then we continued drinking. And I kept going on and on about how much I love the Olsen twins, which, you know, isn't great dating talk. But then we went back to his apartment in Queens and had like OK sex. And yeah, then I got on top of him and then never got on top of somebody else for a decade. Maybe he thought you were saying I've never had sex before well my thing with being on top and it's not like i'm doing it a hundred

percent of the time but i like the show of it okay i'm like look at this sweet titties look at them you better fucking appreciate like it's just a it's a very showy moment. But I do sometimes worry about breaking a dick. But like, you know, whatever. It'll heal. I don't think. Oh, yeah. I guess you could have you like landed on it wrong.

Also, like, I don't love my titties. So like, that's another reason why, like, I didn't get on top. But now I don't give a shit. They're what I got. And everyone should be so lucky to suck up on them we exactly we need to yeah you need to love your titties because everything going on is perfect and it should be a nice show you know what I don't I don't like that I don't like that you said that about your titties. I'm upset. No, I said I used to not like them. Now I don't care.

Oh, okay. Yeah, but I want you to embrace fully just the love of your titties. Mine are, like, old and have been so many different sizes, so they're, like, they have stretch marks and they're, like, saggy. But I don't know. They're, like, great tits if I was, like, a mom of three. And I think they're so fun to look at. They're all like, I don't know.

Every woman's body is so beautiful. I think so. But I do a thing where I look in the mirror every day and I look at them and I'm like, they're what you have. And maybe one day I'll get a titty job. I don't know. I don't want them bigger like by any means i love having little titties my back never hurts yeah uh and i can like squeeze them into things that normally i couldn't if i had bigger titties yeah you're out here wearing some tiny

shirts for like oh yeah yeah you could button up a shirt if you wanted probably like that's such a blessing i love having tiny tiny tiny little tits and a gaping wide pussy i'm kidding it's uh i would say pretty tight i don't know uh but we do have to take a break and we're back oh boy so okay amy yes have you ever been on the apps like have you ever app dated i was yeah so i was on um if there's any fucking nerds listening to this, early, like, working in tech, living in San Francisco, on, like, the, first of all, the Onion Personals. Do you guys even remember? I think there was something called, like, Nerve. And this was just, like, not even an app yet, like a website.

So I met a boyfriend that was pretty long term like two and a half years from the onion personals and then later um when i lived in portland before i met my dude i was on the apps there and it was a fucking nightmare like truly just some of the most passive homeless men i've ever passive and homeless yeah portland is not a good place for app dating or even app hooking up and at the time i was like kind of making a portland name you know what i mean for comedy like portland famous so everyone was just behaving so weird either way whether i wanted to like date date or whether i wanted to just hook up it was never it was never simple it was either like too many feelings or honestly the one guy

i met on an app in portland that was the chillest on the first date because he was just like yeah whatever happens happens let's go to a movie let's get drinks like we did karaoke he was fun i knew absolutely nothing about him second date he said the n word fully multiple times and then i oh that's wild removed him from my home and before he left he grabbed the six pack from the fridge. No. Oh my God. You should have married him. Nicole. It was after. It was after I already gave him a blow job.

Oh, you can't behave poorly after a blow job. Wait, was he saying it in reference to a certain person or was just like wildly throwing the world, the word around. So what was even more annoying is it was in the context of comedy where he he was literally saying like you know louis says it and i like it

and i say it too and then he just started saying it and i was like yeah you really can't say it um and especially not in my house and so you have to leave have to leave. But he said it like four or five times. It was like after I showed that I truly didn't want to hear it, he did it again. So I was like, okay, you got to go. And then he took the beer on his way out, and I never saw that man again. Honestly, I really hope that he doesn't know what happened to Louis C.K.,

and he still tells people that he says it because of Louis CK. I know. But also I do, after talking to him, I got the feeling he was like a true like Montana racist. Like it wasn't just a like free speech thing. He was like, he enjoyed it. He enjoyed saying it. And I was like, oh my God, I sucked your dick.

This is the worst. I don't think i've ever had anyone so bold i mean i have fucked a trump supporter but a i didn't know he was a trump supporter until i got to his house and b i was already at his house yeah oh for some icing on that on that n-word guy cake um yeah frost that n-word cake up he was i think the only man whose dick i've ever sucked who stood on top of the bed and then put both hands on the ceiling like in the most like power stance weird control yeah i mean i was kind of into it at the time but now i think it's hilarious that that's

the guy that did that so wait he stood on the bed put his hands on the ceiling and then you were like kneeling on the bed yes that's i've that's another thing i've never done that's wild his head was like thrown back in just a dramatic ecstasy oh my goodness. I kind of feel nauseous thinking about it. Maybe I'm not giving good enough head. I've never had anyone do that. He also only ordered vodka waters.

And that just freaks me out. No ice. Ew, Amy, that's disgusting. I'm not saying I'm proud of this guy. Ew, imagine ordering a vodka water I mean although anytime I leave like LA or New York or like a city city

I'll be like may I have a vodka soda and they're like Sprite what kind yeah Coca-Cola you want some coke in there I'm like no I want club soda I didn't say pop. Yeah, that's so wild. Everyone, everyone's crazy.

That's, oh my God. Amy, is that the worst person you've hooked up with? I don't think so. No, no way. And what I was going to say is for first dates from the Portland apps, it was probably the best date. Oh no. apps it was probably the best date oh no just because we had fun and it wasn't like complicated and filled with like either too

many emotions or like questions about how maybe they should start comedy what do i think you know what i mean wait on what date do you think emotions should start um i don't know it kind of depends on who it is because sometimes if i really like someone i'm not like being emotional but i will say like i like you and i think that's okay i'm really into like needlessly deep conversations sometimes because it's more entertaining than like you know how many siblings you have or whatever. And that I gave off some wrong signals a lot of the time. So when I was on the apps in Portland, I also went out with this guy who like started telling me that he grew up in kind of a cult. And would like, you know, sleep in the bed naked with his mom and all of his siblings and like his aunt or whatever.

Oh. And I was so interested. I kept asking questions about it, even though it was deeply personal and super twisted. Well, honestly, truly, if somebody is going to offer up that kind of information, yes, I need to know more. It's true. But then because I was so interested interested then he like went in for a

kiss later and I was like oh no I have no you know I mean I was nice about it but like I appreciate the bold move because that's you know a lot of people don't do that but like no I'm not interested and he's like you were asking me all those questions about my cult I'm like yeah I just like cult knowledge that's so wild i fucking love it wait so you think okay you don't think there's like a set date where you could go we've had deeply personal conversations uh only date me um no i don't think there's a set date i think it really depends on the situation and it's always kind of like hard to figure out because so with my current relationship adam had like this sort of classic what you could have interpreted as like

he's just not that into you because he was like i think nervous about how serious it could be and the timing was weird because i was gonna move to la and there was all this stuff and he had also been dating someone that we both knew. So his response to the like, I like you and we should be serious was, I think, to pull away. But like, I'm a crazy person. So I was like, oh, he's just scared. But there's no way to really know sometimes which one it is. And I ended up being right.

And then, you know, now I'm together for five years. But at the time, it probably made me seem insane to be like, you don't mean that you do want to be serious. Is that what you had said to him? I mean, pretty much. I was like, I'm not going to let you get away. I tricked him. And then I ended up being right. But it's like, you know, if I hadn't, that would have been a really weird situation. And how long did you date when you were like I like you uh you're being silly you want to be with me forever um it happened kind of fast I mean within a few months but then but then I did I think I've told you this and it's still so ridiculous and we joke about it sometimes but i did the steve harvey 90 days till sex you did tell me that to let him get the cookie yes steve harvey has a rule where you don't have sex with somebody for 90 days and that's

how you get that that's how you catch them why can't i catch that's how you catch them good lord i just had like an aneurysm that's how you that's how you catch you good i'm good uh but yeah steve harvey has all sorts of rules about how to catch a man and it worked for amy miller so maybe i think that it was already working and i was like really obsessed with steve harvey at the time so it kind of started as a joke and then like 40 days in he was like wait are you fucking serious and i'm like yeah and then i just sort of did it because i i knew that it was going to be serious i had never done anything like that in my life pretty much every boyfriend i like hooked up with right away so i don't know that it changed like the longevity of our relationship but it was very

funny at the time and it was for practical reasons because i was like okay i don't i think the first time i fuck you i don't want to use a condom but i'm really safe so we both have to get tested i'll get on birth control and then we can fucking go nuts um so it's kind of worth the wait in that way oh yeah that's nice so you've never used condoms with him no no ma'am oh that's real nice yeah i love it i had a friend the other day she was like does sex really feel better without a condom? Like, is it really that big of a deal? And I was like, I mean, it's not a huge deal, but it does feel better. It feels better.

And it's not a huge deal. But when you're like living together and stuff, it's I mean, yeah, like by all means use condoms. But like it's more convenient. You know, you wake up in the middle of the night maybe someone has a boner maybe you just want to like be on your side and let it slip in like you can't and then when there's this whole production of like you know getting a condom wrapper i was so shocked the last time i was fucking around and dating that how many men just absolutely do not use at all and like

try to just get in there and I was like are you fucking kidding me like no I think okay so I I just said I don't love a condom but I use condoms because I need to protect my pussy because I ain't trying to get nothing strange from a dick yeah like a baby well a baby an sti any of that shit but um I noticed when I started being more uh discriminant no that's not a good word is that a word I don't know I started like picking being more picky with who i went out with when you was catching them yeah when i was when i was catching them men i started being just a little bit more picky and talking to people like slightly longer than i had been i noticed that like every person i was like okay you seem to have courted me a little bit on this app they all use condoms and treated me nicer than people who it was like a quick back and forth and we met up and they're just trying to like jam it in yeah but yeah like if you're not cognizant and like really diligent with it people will try

to stick any little thing in you i know well i'm just always like if you did it that fast like try to go in you do that all the time that means you don't know what you you know what you've touched like it's just it's just not a good idea guys wrap it up if you are hooking up with multiple people you should always wrap it up and or be on birth control yep although i'm i'm not on birth control because I'll never get pregnant. Do you really think that? Hell yeah, dude. I'm never going to die.

I'm never going to get pregnant. I don't know how those things are related. Hell yeah, dude. Those are two truths in my life. I'll live forever and I'll never have a baby. I have, knock on wood, never had an abortion i never had an abortion which is absolutely shocking because i was such a whore um but i you know it doesn't like it doesn't freak me out anymore i would get one in a second i'll get 10 you'll get 10 yeah why not i may have

said this on the podcast but i used to work with a woman who had six cats and I asked her why she had six cats and she said one for every abortion. And she wasn't kidding. Oh my God. That's amazing. She also used to go through a bottle of vodka every shift. I wish I could remember her name. She was truly a lunatic. I, she was like a treat like i loved talking to her she had the worst stories and you're like how are you still alive she sounds really fun she was probably so good in bed sometimes like it's true crazy pussy is like with a gift i always wonder like if i'm good in bed i don't think anyone would lie to me. Do you have suspicions that you're not?

Or do you feel pretty confident that you are? I feel pretty confident because I've got a big old butt. And men seem to really enjoy that. Yeah, who doesn't? I can tell when I'm phoning it in, for sure. But I think historically I've been good. Because I think that a lot of it is enthusiasm. And if you do really want to be there, that is like already steps ahead of a lot of people. And it's so fun.

Like, I think sex is so funny sometimes. I just like like I can't believe we're doing this you know yes i think it is very very silly and i'm not like a sexy person so i'm like i like to laugh during sex um i'm also working on eye contact because that was a big thing for me i was like it's hard to look at people it's too intimate and then you're like i, I feel like we're having a staring contest. Yeah. I learned that kind of early. I don't know why.

Maybe because that's the thing. OK, straight dudes listening. When you also say like affirmative things like, oh, that's hot or you're sexy or whatever. Or like I like when you look me in the eye when you suck my dick. Then we also file those things away and we're like oh maybe someone else would like this like uh-huh don't make a fucking weird face when someone does something new just like enjoy it and i think so when i was in high school um and i had the same boyfriend in high school and then into college for two years we didn't have sex for a long time

because i was so christian oh you were a christian oh yeah yeah that's why i have the religion podcast oh yes yes yes yes okay your friend is stupid um yeah i was very set on being a virgin until marriage but then we did everything else and so of course like all good christians and i think i think i early on which now is disgusting to think about like a 16 year old sucking dick it makes me want to vomit but not if you're dane cook what um oh dang she went there but i think i got good at some stuff really early because that was like all we could do, you know. So we're like all foreplay, all oral. And then it's like if you do that three times every day after school, you know, you're an expert.

You would suck a dick three times a day? Sometimes, yeah. Well, I really liked him. My God, Amy. That's wild. I mean, now I'm in my 30s. Adam's going to be sad when he listens to this. He's going to be like, I could have had it three times a day.

Yeah, I mean, I enjoy it, though. I've always liked, I feel like it's a weird power shift where very early on I was like, oh, I feel kind of powerful when I suck a dick, even though it's like taken the other way a lot of the time. That's how I feel, because I don't know, like I control what I'm doing. I also don't let people grab my head anymore. So I'm fully in control. Oh, absolutely not. And if you do, yeah, I will immediately leave your home. I'll just bat your hand away.

I'll finish what I started. Oh, you're nicer than me. I had a boyfriend really early on that was like talking to me about this. And I mentioned that it made me feel powerful. And he was like, to me about this and I and I mentioned that made me feel powerful and he was like it doesn't make any sense and I'm like no I could like like I do feel in control but I could also bite your dick off at any moment and then he's like well yeah but it's the same when I'm going down on you I could just bite your clit off for no reason I'm like yeah but men are always more powerful than me so that's not a role reversal like you could also

just strangle me or whatever like i would be so upset if someone bit my clit off really why i would just be so sad i'd say hey that's not nice don't do that but let's finish what we started yes i'll finish what i started but i really didn't like that. Ouchie. Now, fuck my clit hole. That's awful. How awful. Nicole, the quarantine has made you really worse.

Yep, being cooped up in my house, just thinking of awful things to say to people the next time i get to speak to them can i ask a question anything do you you consider yourself a plus-size woman you've got a whole bit about it and how you're brave i do yes it's very funny it's on comedy central yeah yeah on youtube. It's very funny. It's one of my not my favorite bit you do. You've got so you got this cancer bit that I like. But anyway, thank you.

Did you find being bigger than like a standard size woman hard when dating? It doesn't seem like you've had issues. I have had issues. Yes, I've had so many issues. I think the biggest one being. Well, a straight men are cowards. And I think what happened, and I had a lot more jokes about it early on in comedy because it kept happening to me, especially in Portland. We have no shortage of people that want to have sex with us and also like use our emotional

energy and hang out with us right like we're funny we're fun we're cool we're hot we have fat butts um but there's a much smaller percentage of straight men who want to sort of like own it and say this is my girl it's changing now a little bit like you know we're all doing our part thank you lizzo thank you nicole byer whatever but you know 10 years ago it was a it was much much worse and it would be like well i want to hang out with you i want to text and call you all the time and i want to have sex with you and and everything but like girlfriend is a lot because men often date for their friends. It's like, oh, look who I'm dating.

Do you approve of me now, other dudes? And it's truly cowardly and disgusting, and I got very much at the end of my rope with that, but it also gave me all these issues where early on, like when I was talking about Adam sort of being scared of us getting serious i thought that was it and he was like no that's not me i don't give a fuck about what anybody else thinks and i care about you and like you but i had that in my head like i was just convinced like oh he's just like everybody else and doesn't want to date me publicly because I'm a fat girl.

And he's just like, you know. So I assumed that about everyone for so long and it was really hard to like deprogram that. But it's real. Did you guys like go out to like bars? Like what kind of dates were you going on? Well, OK, that's why it's a little more complicated, because he was running a comedy club. So it was a little bit scandalous. And we were trying to be professional, too.

So there was already kind of like a hidden element to it for both of us, because I also didn't want people to be like, oh, that's how she gets work, you know? So it kind of started that way anyway. And then I just convinced myself that like that's what it was um no but like when you would go out on dates would you go out to like bars or like would you go out in public yeah we would yeah we would go to the movies and go to dinner and stuff um but that fear of like oh what if someone we know sees us was for professional reasons but i also convinced myself it was because of how i looked i would like always convince myself that like i didn't have a boyfriend because i was like fat or whatever but then like when i started like

actually dating people i was like well if these people are going out on dates with me i don't think that's the issue like if we're holding hands like on the street like i don't think that's the issue yes i think that's a good barometer but i i kept encountering men especially in portland who didn't want it like they did only want to hang out at my house or go to the movies and they wouldn't hold hands in public and then i was like oh you're just a fucking coward you know like you don't deserve my time and it was over and over and i wasn't at that point i was like already my 30s so i was bold enough to be like don't text me anymore like we're done and i don't want to be your friend and i would like block them because i think it's

just like gross and then they would end up with these girls that were fine perfectly nice but like thin you know thin forgettable women and i'm like yeah that's what you needed yeah i anytime i date somebody and then they end up with somebody else i'm like that's what you wanted this person doesn't seem interesting yeah this person doesn't seem like they make you laugh the way I make you laugh. But, you know, I guess, or not I guess, I know that I'm a lot. And some people don't want that. Some people just want boring. I know. Or to be, I mean, I think with, I'm really generalizing here.

I'm so sorry, everyone. Am I sorry? Oh, I'm sure someone will tweet about how they didn't like your generalization or write it in the comments they'll make sure i know from my experience i feel like a lot of straight men i know um have also wanted to be be the funnier one be the smarter you know and have and like feel power that way and then have it be like well her power in this balance of the relationship is that she's hotter than me and it's like okay well she's also a whole person so i don't know i don't know dudes are really weird and i

still i'm like i'm happy i'm not out there yes but you know having said that relationships are really fucking hard and you know some of our like rockiness um and it's been you know not like perfect all the time but then when I like think about being out there I'm like I don't know I mean yeah be I'm out here I'm in these streets it is very hard uh but also, I'm out here. I'm in these streets. It is very hard. But also, like, I'm OK being alone. I would say I'm OK being alone 75 percent of the time. And then 20 percent of the time I'm in the shower being like, is it me? And then my therapist and I will have a nice little session and she'll go, no, no, it's not you.

It's definitely not. I just wonder if there's like yeah i don't know i mean that's the thing is like what we do is meet people when we're working so it's like hard for ladies in comedy to do that because you're often going to be the funniest most like shining bright brilliant person in a room. So I don't know. I think a lot of men just cower under that. But once you find someone who doesn't, then he's perfect, you know? Yeah. I just need to find my dad, which is an insane thing to say. But the more I think about my parents' relationship, I was yeah my mom was so funny and she was so loud and people fucking loved her and my dad was so quiet and would just like stare at her and be

like that's the lady i love oh that's adorable yeah and you feel like you would be attracted to that though like someone that was not outwardly funny back no No, my dad was very funny back. He was just, it was quiet funny. He had to pick his moments. Yeah, so like when they were together alone, yeah, he could be as funny as he wanted, but like in public, he'd be like, oh, maybe I'll say like one funny thing. But for the most part, I'm just going to be very quiet.

Yeah, I think I could go with a quiet person, but as long as they were okay with me talking and like wanted to, you know, keep up a conversation. But I'm OK with someone who's like a little quiet. Yeah, I think I think we have a good balance on that. this industry um with funny people like is comfortable not being in the spotlight which is great but also makes me laugh all of the time so that's perfect i think a lot of people that work with him probably don't even know he's super funny because he's like well i'm not showing i'm not gonna turn on for you you know what i mean like i know he's funny because we work together for a little bit he's so funny he's the best he's

I think you're so lucky that you found someone so wonderful thank you but uh yes um speaking of the dad stuff it's so funny because a lot of the like rockiness that we have had like when I've talked to my mom about it she's been like that's your dad and I'm like fuck you i'm not from a textbook well my therapist says we seek things oh fuck i can't remember what she said it's something like if you were looking for like validation through your dad when you're looking for a man you're probably looking for validation through him. Yes, absolutely. And I also like, I mean, sometimes I need validation at home. And then I live with someone who's been like working with famous people all day. So it's like, um, can't really, you know, I need a minute before I can encourage you

also to follow your dream. And I totally get that. But sometimes that gets hard because that's who you want it from the most, you know, is like the man you're living with. And it's like, well, you know, I've been dealing with big personalities for 10 hours. So like give me a moment and then I'll encourage you. But yeah, I mean, my dad was totally like that where he's like charming on, you know, he's like the guy at work that everybody loves and doing everything for everyone. And then he would be like, I need to be silent and sit in this recliner and watch a golf tournament. And we're like, look at this.

Look at me, dad. You know, look at me. That's how I was with my papa. I'm your special little girl. Do you have any advice for me as to what actually doesn't matter? I don't. I mean, if you have advice, cool. If not, we're all inside.

So it might be a while before I implement it. But do you have any advice for me? I would say a fully love and embrace your beautiful titties. OK. Or get them done. Whatever works. Sounds like a plan. I like this wide option net.

Well, I don't know. When we've been on the road, I haven't necessarily seen you around someone that you were super interested in. So I don't know how much you really like go for it. But I would say you're just going to have to get used to making first moves more of the time. Oh, boy. Okay. First moves, Nicole. it but i would say you're just gonna have to get used to making first moves more of the time oh boy okay first moves nicole that's exactly the opposite of what my therapist said but okay really that's interesting i mean everything really changed for me when i took it in my own hands and started being like very upfront did it scare many men away? For sure. Even if sometimes I was like, do you want to fuck? They'd be like, um, don't make, don't make fun of me. And I'm like, oh, I was serious, but I guess you're afraid. It's fine. Well, my therapist is very much into,

she was like, you've been chasing people. Has that worked out? No. So she's like you've been chasing people has that worked out no so she's like maybe if you let them chase you it might work out so that's that's what i'm doing right now but maybe i'll do a mixture yeah a mixture of making some moves and a mixture of uh letting them chase me i i mean yes i like to be chased a little bit and I understand that. But then there's also a moment where you have to have like like outwardly forward interest. You know what I mean?

Like, yes, I like you or I want to fuck or whatever it is your goal is. Like stating your goals out loud. I don't know. I believe in that. All right. I think that's good advice. Amy,'t know. I believe in that. All right. I think that's good advice. Amy, I asked most of my guests this.

I've only missed a couple. But would you date me? Of course. You know I would date you. I know. We were semi-dating for a while until comedy got canceled. Yeah, comedy literally got canceled. And it feels fucking insane. It really weird and i'm like i

miss seeing people i want to be on the road i miss nicole yeah it sucks it does suck okay do you have anything you want to promote sure yeah my podcast who's your god which is we talk to comedians mostly about their religious and spiritual beliefs you did it you were great uh it was a very personal interview which i appreciate and um if you go to my website amymillercomedy.com speaking of fucking you can buy a pillowcase with my face on it that says i'm sleeping with amy miller oh yes yes yes yes yes i will mail it to you with a note i love it well uh if you like this episode, oh wait, I have something I want to promote.

I wrote a book. So I wrote a book. It's called Hashtag Very Fat, Hashtag Very Brave. The Fat Girl's Guide to Being Brave and Not a Melancholy Down the Dump Sweeping Fat Girl in a Bikini. It's a self-help book. It's real dumb.

There's lots of pictures of me in bikinis. You can pre-order it with the link in my bio on Instagram or on Twitter. Also, I have another podcast called Newcomers. It's also on the HeadGum Network with Lauren Lapkus, and we are watching Star Wars for the first time. Also, if you say something dirty to me, I will read it out loud. This person said, I want to eat your pussy until you reach a level of squirting I want you to squirt all that pussy juice in my mouth

then I'm going to spit all the juice in your mouth so you can squirt in my mouth all over again yes back and forth forever baby yuck okay I love it thank you Amy thank you Nicole bye Fuck. Okay. I love it. Thank you, Amy. Thank you, Nicole. Bye.

Bye. Bye. This has been a Team Coco production.