Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Loving Your Pregnancy (w/ Lennon Parham)

Episode Date: December 27, 2024

Comedian and friend Lennon Parham (Veep, Somebody Somewhere) joins Nicole to discuss teaching and flirting between teachers, how she knew she was in love, and what she cherished about being pregnant. Nicole recounts the time her grandpa got caught smuggling razors in his shoes past TSA.Watch this episode on YouTube at youtu.be/mWWnVL-_2jgWrite to Nicole! Send your dirty messages to [e-mail] with the subject line "Dirty Message" and Nicole may read it in a future episode.Follow:YouTube: @WhyWontYouDateMePodcastTikTok: @whywontyoudatemepod Instagram: @nicolebyerX: @nicolebyerNicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746This is a Headgum podcast. Follow Headgum on Twitter, Instagram, and Tiktok. Advertise on Why Won't You Date Me? via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Wanna watch this episode? Catch the full video on YouTube. Just hit the link in the episode description. This is a HeadGum Podcast. Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why. Ooh baby! Welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? A podcaster, me, Nicole Byer, was trying to figure out why I was so single for so long even though you could, um, come on the floor

and tell me it's a shoe. Ooh! Oh! My guest today is a comedy powerhouse! You've seen her stealing scenes on shows like Beef, Parks and Recreation, and is it The Minx or just Minx? Just straight up Minx. I thought it was The Minx.

No. Well, that's upsetting for me. She's a writer and director on the Somebody Somewhere, now airing its final season on Max. And I've gotten to work with her, and I think she's so wonderful, and she's so funny, and I love her so much. It's Lennon Bauram!

Beep bop boop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop And you didn't even know me. And I didn't watch you improvise. And I'd be like, boy, she's so funny. And then you moved away. And then I said... I had to. Oh no. I tried to keep teaching improv for so long because I loved my students and I felt like loyalty to them. But then I kept like having to go to LA and then somebody else would cover. And then I felt responsible for that.

Like I remember, I think I missed one of my like 101 class shows and I was, it was like they were my children. I was devastated because I had a call back for some, I don't know what it was for but. That's so nice. I loved it, I truly did love it. And I would not have left New York had it not been for like getting jobs in LA.

Because I tried to do the back and forth for two years. And it was a nightmare. It's too exhausting. It was a big nightmare in my relationship. And I was like, this will not stand. So wait, you're, so were you married then or were you just staying? Thank God I was married because I don't,

I think he would have been like, nah, I'm out. I'm out. I can't do this. This bitch be in the air too often. Yeah, for real. Three weeks here and one week in Brooklyn. That's what I was doing. Oh God.

It was not good. Yeah, that fucking sucks. I was, you know Seth Morris. He had a bedroom that I rented. And so I would just be here for three weeks doing my like multi-cam sitcom, which is like my dream come true, but without my life partner.

And then fly back for a week and try to catch up and do all of that. And it was just not, wasn't good. Yeah, that, I don't know how people do long distance. I think it would make me crazy. Yeah. Specifically because I have lots of thoughts and I need to tell you me crazy. Yeah. Specifically because I have lots of thoughts and I need to tell you my thoughts.

And it's like, and if we're apart for too long, my thoughts might get annoying. I get that. But also, like, I feel like in my partnership, we're just better together. Like, we're better in person. Like, neither one of us like to talk on the phone for any reason. And if I have to schedule a FaceTime with you, it just feels bad.

You know? And so if we're to... And also, he's very serious most of the time in his work, he works in education. And he needs... And that's how you guys met, right? Yes, yes. For Teach for America.

Yes. And so I think being physically with me allows him to release his crazy. Aww. That makes sense? And vice versa. I mean, I do that in my work anyway, but like I need like the home that we've built, I think of as a sanctuary kind of like when we,

when I'm there, I feel safe. I feel like I can kind of be whatever I need to be. And if I don't have that space, you know, it sucks. So when did he decide to move out here? This was the whole thing. So two years back and forth at the same- Two years? Yes, baby.

Oh my God. And at the same time that I got my first sitcom and was like auditioning for real things for the very first time. And again, I would never have left New York. I love New York so much. I just went back this weekend. I'm still obsessed.

It's a nice place and the vibes are good and I love it. Yeah, and we went back after we moved like three months later and it was so sad. It was like getting back together with a boyfriend that you were like, we had to break up because of timing. And you just like are still like, I still love you. But it just won't work. Yeah.

So two years back and forth. And then I think it was becoming clear that I was going to be here. And oh, and he had started a high school, okay? Wait, what? He started a high school. How do you start a high school? Exactly how. It was a charter. So the woman, this amazing woman, Melissa Silverman, was the principal of this high school in Brooklyn called Automotive High School.

It's a vocational school. For automotive. You got it. Teach you how to learn how to fix cars. But also, so he was the assistant principal there and had kind of worked his way up pretty quickly. And she was moving to an admin position in the New York City Public School District, which

was a big deal. And so she was like, I want you to take this school that I'm starting over. And it was like a pitch. They had pitched it like as a charter. And what is a charter school? Okay, so... Because there's public, charter, private. There's public, yeah.

So public has a lot of rules, really specific rules about how you have to teach and what you have to teach. Charter, it's like, you kind of get to design your own way that you get the information out, and maybe the, and you're still teaching the core curriculum, but like how it's delivered, and it's a lot less traditional. I mean, school has not changed in like seventy five years.

You know, like we're still basically all in a one room schoolhouse. Yes. Like Annabrine Gables, like writing on tiny little pads, like with with our fingers instead of chalk. Right. Like it's all it's been the same for a very, very long time but like we know kids learn in different ways, kids need different things, sitting still for kids is hard, you know? It's so hard.

It's hard for adults. Like, and if you're a child that has failed continually in that system, you don't like learning. You don't, yeah, you don't, you're curious about things, but you were never taught how to follow that curiosity and so you don't like, you know, all of the things that felt like failure to you. So a lot of times in a charter school, like in my husband's, a lot of the schools that he's worked, because he ran a school here for four years that was called New Village Charter,

and it was all girls, largely pregnant and parenting girls. So there was a lot of transitory stuff happening. So they would have one advisor that tracked with them all four years. So you have like your person that stays with you, knows you, knows how you learn. Oh, that's fun. Right? And is also interested in what you're interested in and is going to weave that into what you're learning. So like there were girls that were like,

I want to learn about hair and makeup. So they would get internships in like a Beverly Hills salon and learn like what- Wait, why don't they do that for everybody? I know, when you hear about it, you're like, this is the best. Yes. Yeah.

Because nobody told me that like my interests were options. Like I didn't know I could be an actress until I Googled it. Yeah. And then it was like, yeah, you can just like go to acting school. Yeah, yeah, you can, just go to acting school. Yeah, yeah. And I've heard about that acting school, and it sounded crazy.

Bad! But that's the 90s. Wait, what's a Montessori school? Okay, so Montessori is like this woman named Maria Montessori who created, it's mostly preschool, but they do have like traditional like elementary, middle, high schools. That teaches kids self-sufficiency pretty early on.

So they're given like an hour and a half where they drive whatever they wanna do. But there's like, for a hot second, I thought you meant like drive a car, like that little girl who went to Target. Did you hear about her? No, please tell me. Have you heard, you Did you hear about her? No, please tell me. Have you heard? You haven't heard about her?

No. No. Wait, have you guys? Oh my God. Okay, so this eight-year-old... I love her already. ...took her family's car... To Target. ...and drove to Target. I think I maybe did hear about this. And she was weaving back and forth.

And she made it to Target. Yeah, good. She parked the car and spent $400. Oh! And they just checked her out at Target. And nobody was like, where's your mummy and daddy? Nobody asked her. And then when the cops found her,

because someone finally reported her, she had the officers buy her Starbucks. She is an icon for the ages. And she only hit one mailbox. You should have been her for Halloween. I should have been her for Halloween. Just driving a little mini van. This comes out in December, but Halloween just happened. And I handed out candy to the trick or treaters.

And nobody says trick or treat anymore. No, they just walk up and open their bag. Which is strange. Do they say happy Halloween at least? Parents made them. They say, what do we say? And one little girl, she was walking away and went, yeah, yeah, yeah, happy Halloween, trick or treat, thank you so much.

And I was like, oh my God. Was she like a golden girl or something? No, she was a princess. Oh, perfect. A very sassy princess. That's perfect. Did you dress up for Halloween? princess. Oh, perfect. A very sassy princess. That's perfect. Did you dress up for Halloween? I love Halloween, yes.

We did a family Beetlejuice characters. Oh, that's nice. My daughter was Lydia in the red wedding dress and my son was Beetlejuice, which is very fits his character, like in real life. And then- Do you have to say his name three times for him to appear? That's all I know about Beetlejuice. I've never seen it. Yeah, that's one of your...

That'll be on your other podcast, right? Probably. I'm sure somebody will make me watch it. You'll have notes. It's exhausting, watching all these things that people love. Well, you'll get the references finally in all the improv shows that you have been in for decades. You know what's funny? After watching Star Wars, I was like, oh my God.

Yeah. So many scenes I've been in make sense. Oh, that's what a Boba Fett is? Yes. Yeah, exactly. Or like Jar Jar Binks. I had no idea what a Jar Jar Binks was. Yeah, nobody really knows. Truthfully.

But I like Jar Jar Binks and I'm the only person. Yeah. Wait, how did you meet your husband? You met Teach For America, and when did you decide to start dating? Pretty quickly. So I did Teach For America for two years, and then I moved to New York and tried to be an actor.

Which worked. It did! Look at you! Wait, where were you teaching for America and what state? I was in Mississippi. I was in the Mississippi Delta in a town called... Is that by Oxford? Yeah, that counts as the Delta for sure. I have family there.

You do? In Ole Miss? I don't know them. Yeah. But I think that's where they are. Yeah, that makes sense. It's a very fancy part of Mississippi, I guess. Oh, then that's not where my family's from. I don't think they're fancy, but maybe they are guess. Oh, then that's not where my family's from.

I don't think they're fancy. But maybe they are fancy. Oh, boy. Well, all I know, I guess Oxford, it's like the home of Ole Miss, which is like a very prestigious Mississippi college. But there's, um... Wait, I lied. I do know some family down there. Okay. I just like thought about my cousin seeing this

and being like, you know me. He's like, I swear to God. You definitely know me and my children and my wife. And they live in Oxford, you think? I think they live in Oxford. I know they live in Mississippi. What does he do? A coach, a teacher, a teacher.

Okay. It's hard to keep up with everybody. There's a lot of cousins out there. There's so many cousins. My grandmother was one of, I think, seven or six. Yeah. It's tough to count. That's a lot.

Wait, so then you moved to New York. So then I moved to New York, and you couldn't tell me nothing because I had just been in front of a room full of high school students. So like walking into auditions was like no problem. Wait, that is kind of incredible because high school students are the scariest. The worst. They're so scary.

I mean, also everybody deserves an equal education, but yeah, they're terrifying. And I felt like if I could succeed with them, then it was sort of like just a matter of time. You know what I mean? Absolutely. My friend's daughter, she's terrifying. She's 16, and like I'm always worried she's gonna make fun of me. And once I was eating a sandwich and I didn't eat the crust,

and she went, what are you, a child? And I was like, no, I just don't want the crust. And she's like, the crust is food. What are you, six? And I was like, no, I'm not six. I'll eat the crust. Then I like suffered through the crust. You don't like the crust. No! See, that's an adult decision that you can make.

That's what I thought. It's to not eat the crust. But then she called me a child about it. But if you cut the crust off ahead of time, that feels more childish. Because then you're like... I don't know. I don't know. It really got me.

And then I ate the crust. That cuts to the core. That cuts to the core. Yes. That cuts to the core. And she's always doing stuff like that where I'm like, oh my God, am I a child? Yeah. Well, probably a little still.

Yeah, you know. Wait, so did you meet your husband in Mississippi? No, in New York. Okay. In New York. So there was a New York version of Teach for America called the New York City Teaching Fellows that had just started. And he had joined, he had been teaching Catholic middle school.

And you didn't have to be accredited to teach in a Catholic school, okay, which is wild business. Wait, what? Yeah. So like, me, a person who doesn't even have a college degree could go to a Catholic school and be like, I, me, a person who didn't, doesn't even have a college degree, could go to a Catholic school and be like, I want to teach the children.

I don't truly know the answer to that, but probably. That's wild. So he did have an undergrad degree, but did not have a master's or any kind of educational degree. He had a bachelor's in poetry. I think that's right. Okay. Anyway, so he had been teaching middle school

and he joined this program because they would pay you to get your master's and you commit to teaching two years and that's how Teach for America works. So that's why it was similar. And I got hired because a bunch of TFA transplants were admin people and I was like an advisor admin people and I was like an advisor to the like 30 incoming teachers. And he was in my class. Oh! Oh my goodness! You were the teacher, he was the student!

He's actually older than me, but I had like lesson planning. Like we did lesson planning and classroom management. I was always making him go first because he was the only one who knew what they were doing. And he's very handsome. He's like super Foxy and he's very gentle and kind. And I was just like, I had never met anyone like him. And I was like, what is going on?

And I was a hundred percent, he was out of my league. So I kind of tiptoed and I had also heard that he was in a relationship. And so I just kind of kept my distance, but we all went out for drinks, like, you know, as you do. And then teachers are go hard, like harder than anyone on a Friday night. Really?

Yes. And he was placed in was placed at the school in Williamsburg and it was really close to where I lived. So all the teachers would get together and I would meet up with them. And that happened like a couple weeks in a row. And then I remember asking another teacher, like, what's his deal? And she was like, he's a really good guy.

If he's flirting with you, you should go for it. And I'm like, but is he like in a relationship? And she said, oh, he just broke up with his longtime girlfriend a couple months ago. And I was like, oh, he's sad. I'm interested. I'm interested. I give it that sad man happy.

And so I had had like two ciders and I, alcoholic ciders, and I like took his little suede newsy cap and I put it on my head. A newsy cap? And I said, I think it would be a good idea if you went out with me. And he said, I think that would be a good idea. And that was it. Wow. Lennon, that is smooth. I think you should go out with me. I think I should.

That's incredible. I don't think that would ever work for me. I think you should go out with me. I don't know, Nicole. I don't think that would ever work for me. I think you should go out with me. I don't know, Nicole. Ha ha ha ha ha. No, but. I don't think so. I don't know, try it. I just simply don't think it would work. So then, do you remember your first date? Yes, D.K.

Okay, what was it? He organized that we would go to his favorite restaurant, which was a Thai restaurant in SoHo called Kelly and Ping. And then we went to play pool at Houston Billiards. And I remember talking to my dad ahead of the date because I was nervous. And my dad said, I told him we're playing pool and I'm real competitive.

And he was like, well, Lennon, if you like him, let him win. And I was like, okay, dad, I can't. Like I can't let him win. But he happened to be better than me, so he did win. But I remember at the dinner, again, I don't know what the theme was, but he was literally telling me, I don't think he'd been on a date in a minute. And he was just telling me all the people in his family that had died and the tragic ways they had died and all the like divorces.

And I was just like, I'm in. Like I'm in, I don't care. I'm in. And it was just so like, I don't know, so charming. Maybe I was like so into him and like being able to open up to me or. It's very funny that he was like, I'm, we're playing pool.

I thought you were about people who are dead. That's so funny. I love that you were like, I am in. I was. This is it for me. I was smitten. I was smitten from the get go. I didn't realize, but on my, on most first dates, I tell them that my parents are dead. Yeah, sure.

So I see why he was going deep and telling tragic things. Yeah. Because you got to, you got to let them know. This is who I am. People are dead and they keep dying. This is the truth. That's something that's never going to change. No. Yeah.

I mean, my grandpa, he keeps threatening to die. He's 90, He just turned 96, and we went out to Chicago to celebrate his birthday, and he had gotten a calendar in the mail, and I said, we're gonna hang it. He was like, nowhere. I don't think I'm gonna be around to use the calendar for long. And I was like, what?

Why would you think that? You're fine. You're fine. He walks around, he gardens. Yeah. He's doing great. Like, I think he's going to outlive us all. Probably so.

And it's funny, because he sends me home with tomatoes every time I go there. And I can buy tomatoes here. I know. But he likes to send me home with them. Homegrown. But he won't go outside. He stands at the door and yells which ones I should pick.

Yes, which ones are ready. When I bring back the wrong ones, he tells me that those are the wrong ones, but there's nothing we can do because we can't put them back. You've already picked them. So then what do you do? Let them ripen and?

I bring them home. Yeah. And they get all banged up, and then I send a picture and I go. What, tomatoes don't do well on the airplanes? In the overhead? Nope, sure don't. Surprise.

He decided like three years ago, I like rum. I never announced it. That you like rum? Yes, that me personally specifically like rum. That's what the children like. Yes, and he would go downstairs and steal rum from my uncle for me, even though I never asked for this rum.

And this year at his birthday, he was like, look in the cabinet. And it was rum. And I was like, wow, grandpa, thank you for the rum. And then we had already drank a bottle of wine. And he was like, is that wine bottle empty? And we were like, yes. And then he was like, give me the rum bottle. And I was like, what are you doing? He was like, pouring the rum in the wine bottle so you can take it back to LA.

And I was like, you want me to walk around an airport with an open bottle of wine filled with rum? And he was like, yes. And I said, oh, I can't. It has to be under 3.5 ounces. Remember last time we flew, they took all of your cologne? Because it wasn't, I told him that he could only pack small things and he packed the giant one.

So they took it. What cologne is he into? It's called Brute. It's nasty. Yeah, I've heard of it. Yeah, I've heard of it. It's nasty. I think there's a green lid.

Yes, it's a green bottle. And also he set the alarms off because he had razors in his shoes. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I went through pre-check because I said, I don't want to do this. So my sister went with him and his shoes went off and he's so old that they just let him through. And I was like, he could have been like a terrorist. Yeah, with his bunch of, with a bunch of razors. Yeah, but he was just transporting razors in his shoes. Anyway, I told him I couldn't take the rum in the wine bottle. So then I was like, I need like I couldn't take the rum in the wine bottle.

So then I was like, I need like 3.5 ounces. And then my uncle was like, come downstairs, I have a bottle. So my other uncle went downstairs and brought like a bottle for zinc. So we filled the zinc bottle with rum. Yeah, so you could like have a little shot on the plane. Yep, and then put it in a plastic bag. And then I was like, oh, it's going to leak. So then my aunt was like, oh, get some Saran wrap. So then we put Saran wrap between the lid and the bottle.

To seal it. To seal it. And then I was like, this is insane. And I was like, there are six adults here, and nobody was like, stop. Everyone was like, we're in this together. He needs you to have that rum for some reason. Yes.

What kind of rum is it? Like spiced? Mount Gay Rum. Okay. Which is made in Barbados. Yeah. And he is from Barbados. And it's the best rum.

I can buy it here. Yeah, they sell it everywhere. Everywhere, at every major grocery store. But it has to go through his fingers. Yes. So I did bring it back to LA, and then I took a picture and sent it to the group chat, and everyone was like, congratulations.

Nobody was like, that's so silly. They were like, you did it. You can also pack a full bottle in your next time. Yes, but I don't like checking my bag. Oh, ever? No. No matter how long you're gone for? Nope, I will not check a bag.

Wow, why? You had a bad experience? No. I've just heard about other people's bad experiences. Losing their bags? Where they're like, oh, it didn't make it on the plane. Or actually, no, I'm a liar. When I went to Africa, I did check a bag

because I packed like I was moving to Africa. Sure, sure. I had the biggest suitcase. Just in case you loved it so much, you didn't come back. Well, for a minute, I did want to move to Zimbabwe. Because there is a place called the Devil's Pool, and I wanted to become a tour guide.

Yeah. The Devil's Pool. Because you sit in a waterfall, that's like one of the biggest in the world, and it's so beautiful. Yeah. Anyway, we have to take a break. It's still available to you if you want.

You think? Yeah. Lennon, we have to take a break. [♪ MUSIC PLAYING FADES out...] We're back. Oh! Lennon! who proposed to who? He proposed to me.

How did he do it? Where? We were, we talked about it and so he had been engaged prior to me and that had not ended well. So I think that was a little scary for him. I had never been engaged before, so I was like, let's go. Let's do it.

So we had, I knew it was coming, but we'd had to have a conversation where I said, I want this, like I really want, and why I wanted it, and that I wanted to officially be his, you know, and for us to have that creative family that, you know, stood on its own legally. And also I wanted to have a party where I was like, we love each other, you know?

Yeah. So once we got through that, then we went ring shopping and then it was spring break in April Once we got through that, then we went ring shopping. And then it was spring break in April and we went to the Brooklyn Botanical Gardens. And it was cherry blossom season. And it was also all the Hasidic Jewish folks were on vacation there as well. So it was just like us and like a ton of Hasidic Jews, which was interesting.

And we were sitting underneath a cherry blossom, a cherry tree. And I was like, he was like behind me with his legs, kind of I was scooted up spooning in a spoonie situation. And his right hand started like going wild. Like I think he had put like the ring in the camera bag, but he just kept like, I was like, what the fuck is happening?

Cause his hand just like was going back and forth from his thigh to the thing. And then I think he said... something along the lines of like, I don't want this relationship to ever get in the way of like what we want, like of our dreams or something like that. And I was like, at that point, I shut down

because I knew what was coming and I didn't listen at all. And I was like, at that point, I shut down because I knew what was coming and I didn't listen at all. And so I have blacked out and I don't, and I don't think I ever said yes, or I just started sobbing because then I saw the ring and then, so it was kind of messy. And the thing about like us not getting in the way of each other's dreams is kind of wild.

I would have thought I was being broken up with. Yeah. That's like breakup talk. Yeah. I don't want to get in the way of your dreams so I gotta let you go. It's just like he, he, the timing is always like the first time he told me that he loved me, he, like, we were in a diner, and he took a huge, messy bite of burger right after. And I was like, even if I wanted to say I love you, which I do want to say I love you back, but I'm not gonna do it while you're, like, dripping grease down your face.

Um, yeah, but anyway... How long into the relationship did he say I love you? Uh, I don't know. Probably within, like, but anyway... How long into the relationship did he say, -"I love you"? -"Uh, I don't know. Probably within, like, six months. Mm. I'm gonna guess. Yeah. I don't know what the normal timeframe is. Yeah.

I don't either. I think I knew that I was like, this, it's this guy forever. Like, pretty early on. And every time we had a fight, I was terrified he was gonna break up with me. Because I was like, this is it, this is it. Also, I had never really had fights with anybody. And so I'm just not, I wasn't good at fights. I'm not good at fights either.

I'm like, oh, you just hate me. Yeah. Y'all, you just hate me. Yeah. Oh, you just hate me. I got into a fight with an ex once and he was like, I don't think you're listening to me. And talking to you feels like I'm talking to a wall. And I said, okay, so now I'm a wall? I'm a big fat wall?

Oh! And that's not the correct answer to that. Right. You'd be like, I'm sorry, I guess I wasn't listening. In your house, what was conflict? Conflict was a lot of my dad going, why did you spend this much money on this? And my mom going, because I wanted it!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Yeah. And then that was like kind of the end of things. She would just be like, I wanted it! And you'd be like, okay. Okay, I was talking to a friend last night and she was like, if I die, I would like my husband to move on.

And I was like, I think if I died, I don't want my boyfriend to move on. Or if he does move on, I really want him to mention me a lot. Like if she cooks something and be like, wow, that's really good. Nicole never cooked for me and I like that about her. I would really want him to mention me a lot. And then be like, well, she's dead,

so that's why I keep mentioning her. Like you're not competing with her, she's dead. Do you want your husband to move on and be happy if you die? What a wild question! and be happy if you die? What a wild question! I think, I think whatever, uh, I mean...

I... Mm, yes. Really? Do you want him to, like, mention you a lot? I mean, I want to be a hard act to follow. I'll say that. And I would like it if... Well, it should be difficult. Whatever happens, it should definitely be difficult.

But, um... I would like for him to find companionship again. I would love for him to be loved and taken care of by someone, for sure. I think that's what I want too, but I want him to mention me all the time. Yeah. Like, even after sex, that I want too, but I want him to mention me all the time. Yeah. Like, even after sex, that was really great, but Nicole, wow. The mouth on her. No!

What do you do? I need to know. Ha-ha-ha-ha! A lot of fun stuff. Tricks. You gotta move your tongue a lot. Yeah, yeah, that's true. And then, like, get it wet and slurp on it. And then you're like,

like, make noises. I remember watching, I learned a lot from watching that HBO after hours show about ladies of the night. Do you remember that documentary that was on HBO? No, what's it called? No idea. But there was so much slurping and like, because they were like tracking these women that worked the streets and such a diversion. They were and they would turn tricks and then they would

be doing interviews with these women and I think it was in New York or maybe Atlantic City or something and I think I remember and I think it was Atlantic City. Yeah and this is like an area of town, right, where you go. And they would, a girl would get in the car and then you would just hear it. You wouldn't see it, obviously. And it was a lot of liquid noise. And I was like, oh, this is news I can use.

Wet and slurpy. But also saliva grosses me out. It is gross. It's so gross. But it's your own. You have to kind of like go, it doesn't matter. Like my son thinks it's so cool to do things with saliva, like artwork sometimes, like he spits on a piece of paper

and like smudges it. And I'm like, I mean, that's disgusting. I mean, I get why you're doing it, right? It's water colors. But I was like, let's use water. Let's not use our own personal saliva. Yeah, he's eight. Oh, okay. How old's your daughter?

Eleven and a half. Oh. Do you miss them being babies? Yes. I love babies. You do? Love. They smell good, they're cute, and they? Yes. I love babies. You do? Love. They smell good, they're cute, and they need you.

It's true. And I don't like when they become independent and have thoughts. The needy thing is really intense, though. Like, because they need you in, like, a not funny way. Like, in a, like, in a not, in a, in a, to survive. And the, the maternal thing that happens, the biological thing that happens

is incredibly overwhelming. Oh, see, I don't know anything about that. I've only nannied where I'm like, okay, you're either hungry, you're either sleepy, you either shit in your pants, or you just want to be cuddled, or taking naps. Well, it's nice to be, to have the answer, to always have the answers, right?

And to have, and to be the one that they go to for that. But I think I realized, I loved being pregnant. Like that was, I loved it. Why? I think because it was like the first time my body ever looked like it was supposed to. Like it looked like the pictures. You know what I mean?

I'd always felt like a weird gangly beast or like. Not a beast. You know, yeah. When you go through puberty, you feel like a monster. Yeah. And then I, all of a sudden was like really, my body was like really good at this. Like I could have had, if I had started earlier,

I could have had like so many babies, like in fields, like in pioneer fields. I don't know what, if it's like, I don't know, if I'm from like strong European stock or something. But like, anyway, I was really good at it and I love being pregnant. And I also like took really good care of myself in a way that I didn't when I wasn't pregnant

because I was doing it for someone else. That's nice. I don't think I would take care of myself. I think I'd just like waddle around and eat Snickers. But I think I'd look like a penguin. So I think that's nice. Yeah. I think. I think I'd waddle around and look like a penguin. I I think that's nice. Yeah. I think.

I think I'd waddle around and look like a penguin. I think everyone would be like, she's so cute. You probably would. Look at her. You would be really cute pregnant. Thank you. But I simply couldn't have a child. Not in my house. No.

I have too many things. Some would say toys, but I don't want them played with. Yeah, I get that. You know? What's the most romantic thing your husband's done for you? Ever in my whole life. Ever in your whole life. How long have you been together? Seventeen years?

Uh, we've been married 18 years. Oh my God, I just guessed. And we have been together 24 years. Oh my God, that's so long. Yeah. What's the secret to longevity? I don't know. I didn't do's so long. Yeah. What's the secret to longevity? I don't know. I didn't do it before this.

Oh. I was only... I mean, I guess it's the person. It's like you just have to want to figure it out. Because, you know, you have to want to be together more than you want to be apart, I guess. Mm. I like that. Also, I think when I met him,

you know how people annoy you? Yeah. Like, yeah. So you're like, oh, the way that this person's fucking breathing or like the way, you know, just like there's just things that like in general, humans annoy me about.

And when being with him, it was the first time I was like, oh, that's kind of cute. Like the way he breathes weird or you know what I mean? about and when being with him, it was the first time I was like, that's kind of cute. Like the way he breathes weird or you know what I mean? Like that. And then I was like, I was endeared to him and I was like, that would annoy me if someone else were doing it.

But because it's him, I'm like, okay. That's so sweet. I love that. Yeah. Real quick, we have to take another break. ["Sweet Love"] So who have you, do you have a type? I don't think I have a type,

but if I look at my roster of the last couple of guys I've dated, I would say they look kind of similar. But I'm not, I stopped chasing people years ago, or I've tried to stop chasing people. And I let people come to me. And what's coming to you is different than what you might be chasing? No.

You were chasing what's coming to you? I don't know. Huh. I don't know if I have a type. Maybe that's what I'm trying to say. I'm willing to meet anybody and see if it works. Yeah, yeah. And I thought I wanted to date an actor for a really long time or like a comedian.

Like somebody that maybe is in on it kind of? Yeah. And would you understand? But I also didn't, if that makes sense. I'm like, maybe it would work, maybe it wouldn't. I don't know. But the person I'm currently dating is not a comedian. Is this the same person you were dating

when we shot Dane? Yes, yes, yes, yes. And it's nice because he gets my schedule and stuff and he's interested in my work and stuff, but is not a part of the world and it's nice because he gets my schedule and stuff, and he's interested in my work and stuff, but is not a part of the world, and it's really nice. Do you find it nice that your husband is not a part of the world? Very nice. Yeah.

He also has no tolerance for the Hollywood scene. And, like, well... He just is like, I can't do that. Like he won't go to, like if it's a certain kind of party, I'm like, I'm gonna go out by myself. Cause if it's like a show that I'm in and I'm proud of, I'll bring him, right? And he gets to meet everybody.

But like early on when I first got my like first big agent, I went to CAA, I was at CAA and I went with, I brought him because I was like, he's gonna be so impressed with how, what a big deal I am. And we went and there was the head of TV at that time. And I don't remember his name, but he was like, he was just such a, like Hollywood jackass.

And my husband was just like, what the fuck? Like it was just like, you just had no time or space for it. And the guy was like, do you love your wife? Isn't she great? Don't you love her? And he was like, do I love my wife? Yes. Yes, I do. I love her very much.

And then he's, my husband's given name is Junior. Junior Javier. But everybody calls him June. That's what he went by professionally. He goes by Javier now. But when I, so when I introduced him, I introduced him as June. And the guy was like, June? That's my wife's name.

And I was like, abort mission! We've got to get out of here! Because I was like, literally, they're going to get into fisticuffs. It felt dangerous. That's funny to be like, do you love your wife? Do you love her? Wait, Lennon, we do have to wrap it up. But do you have any advice for single people? I think it's just such a different world out there

than where I'm coming from. Then where I just, the way that people meet is just so different and the amount of information out about, I just, it's so, it feels scary to me. Yes, it feels scary to you. It is, it's terrifying. I think like, if it were me, I would be out doing the thing that I love, which you are.

Yes. And opening myself up to whatever that space is to see if there's someone, like a kindred spirit, in that space, whatever it might be. There's a man on Instagram who says that. He's like, You're not gonna find the love of your life in a club, what do you like doing?

Camping, go camping, you'll find somebody at the camp. Yeah, something like that. Like I had, I mean, I met my husband in the educational world, but that was only because I believed in it. So we had like similar, even though we're from very different backgrounds, I feel like we met each other on like common moral ground,

if that makes sense, and that helped. We're also both weirdos, which is lovely. But yeah, I don't know. I think just, I don't know. I guess if you're like looking to find partnership, it would be a different answer than if you're just like looking partnership, it would be a different answer than if you're just looking to get nightly action. Nightly action is such a nice sensible way to say that.

Nightly action. But I think if you're looking for someone who you're going to partner with for a long-term situation, I would just be as much of myself as possible at every interaction. If that makes sense. I think it makes sense and I think it's good advice. Also, Lennon, would you date me? Oh, hell yeah.

Ooh, baby, I love it. Lennon, thank you so much for being here. Thanks for having me. Lennon, do you have anything you wanna plug? Yeah, you should watch Somebody Somewhere, which is on Max or HBO, um, season one and two, and now three are streaming, and it's the final season, and I'm really proud of it,

and it's one of the most beautiful television shows on... It's really great. The intranets. The intranets. And also the... The networks. The networks. The networks. And if you like this episode of Why Won't You Date Me,

you can like it, you can rate it, you can subscribe, you can give me five stars on Apple Podcasts. And if you write me something nasty to whywon'tudatepodcasts.gmail.com, I will read it. Also, I'm running low on these. Please send some. Okay, oh Nicole, I get turrid? What's that word? Turgrid. What's that word?

Turgid. What does that mean? Like torn up inside. Oh, I get turgid. Like a storm. And erect every time I hear your voice. My pre-cum leaks out of my swollen magenta crotch popsicle with every sexy syllable you utter.

My reproductive slime melts through my big, thick grandpa undershorts and slurs down the inside of my legs like I've been riding a hobby horse made of snot. I want to fuck the sounds that come out of your mouth. So I took an old Teddy Ruxpin doll and put your podcast on tape and played your interviews at one and a half speed. So Teddy's mouth would masticate. Uh-huh.

With great vigor, and it would cause my slimy, rock-hard front tube to expel its thick, gummy tadpole soup all up in Teddy's grill. My favorite word you say, the word that causes me to moan with pleasure every time you say it is super soak. Can you... Can you say that word but at five, one and a half times the speed

so I can come in my bear's mouth? Super soak. Super soak. Super soak. Super soak. That was fun. Thank you. Bye-bye. You've been listening to Why Won't You Date Me with me, Nicole Byer. This show is produced and edited by Mars with executive producer Anya Kenovskaya.

It's engineered by Casey Donahue with guest research by Lindsay Kemp. Our VP of content at Headgum is Katie Moose and and our Thief music is arranged by Mike Cometay. Ah, thanks for listening. We'll be back next week with a brand new episode. See you then. Okay, bye bye. That was a Headgum podcast. Hey, hey, I'm Lamorne Morris.

And I'm Kyle Shevrin. And we're here interrupting your workout to tell you about the La Morning After podcast, now on HeadGum. That's right. Every Wednesday a new episode drops and we... Wait, Lamorne, what are you doing over there? It's nothing, just polishing my Emmy. Why?

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