Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Managing Anxieties During Intimacy (w/ Dave Ross)

Episode Date: October 11, 2019

"I would eat my ass for flavor, and you can quote me on that."Dave Ross (stand-up, Suicide Buddies podcast) shares his experience performing at a sex club, the story behind his first handjob attempt, and how to manage anxiety when intimate. Plus, they discuss which body parts would be the tastiest to eat.Check out Dave's new special: The Only Man Who Has Ever Had Sex at http://sex.guns.beerYou can play along and see Nicole's dating app profiles and photos on her Facebook at: https://www.facebook.com/pg/NicoleByerComedyBe sure to rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Leave a dirty comment for a chance to have it read on-air.Follow Nicole Byer:Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdatesTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerFacebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedyBuy Merch: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/nicole-byer?ref_id=9649

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Oh baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? Wow, I love this show so much already. Thank you. It's a podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single.

Even though if you put pickles on your dick and said, I will not fuck you until you eat all them pickles, I would do it even though I hate a pickle. I may have used that one already. I don't know. I'm running low. It doesn't matter. The man you hear giggling, he's got an album out called The Only Man Who's Ever Had Sex. And the description is, because he's the only man who's ever had sex and the description is because he's the only man who's ever had sex yeah which is great it's dave ross hello oh man nicole i love you you're you're so funny you you are great uh you actually helped me figure out a joke once.

Really? Yeah, we were sitting outside the improv, and I was like, man, I don't know how to tell fat jokes. People keep feeling bad for me. And a dude can get on stage and just be like, I haven't seen my dick in a year, and everyone laughs. And you're like, that's your joke. And I was like, huh. Huh. Wow, cool.

Okay. That's great. Yeah, you helped me crack it. And then you would go on and say that. Uh-huh. I will say one of the things that I, that like, and I was about to say, the reason I'm hesitating is I was about to say a thing I learned about stand up in the past year, but I haven't learned it. I keep realizing it and don't internalize it. Okay. Is that I can just say exactly how I'm feeling.

Yes. I have this joke. It's like since my album, I've been trying to write jokes and mostly failing. It's hard. It is difficult. And I have one joke that I really, really love that I close on, and it's about how I realized that because Auschwitz is a museum, that probably means it's on Yelp and that it is on Yelp.

Is it? It is. It is. One World Trade is on Yelp. Like we have to get rid of the internet. It's really. Yeah, that's bad. Yeah.

Who goes to Auschwitz and is just like, I'm going to write a review about this? Can I tell you? Thousands of people. So many people. And I was like, yeah, I was working on that bit and all the reviews were just so

fucked up that I couldn't write anything funnier than what they wrote. And I just don't want to end a bit saying what someone else said and I was like, oh, goddammit, what? And then I was like, oh, I should just say that. Yeah. I don't want to end this bit with what these people said, but honestly, I can't write anything funnier than this. Exactly. And that's the end of the bit.

Has anyone had a one-star review and they're like, man, this was depressing. No, or that I've read, but also for sure. Yes. Cause people are so dumb. Just so many people are dumb. I mean, the, the one that I i quote that's the end of the bit is a guy literally wrote one star there is just no bus parking i'm not kidding you there's a dude there's a dude who wrote like four stars or something and it said like yeah this one's okay but you got to check out doc ow it's like so upsetting nicole i it's wild. There's no bus parking. Probably because Jews were bussed in. They don't want to nod

to anything that happened 60 years ago. There's like a Best Western. You know what I mean? There's like a Best Western out there by Auschwitz. I'm just saying. Oh boy. And they saying like, boy. And they're like, you know what?

This best one was the worst Western, which is a joke that my mom said once. And I laughed for days. I can't believe, man, I've been staying in best Westerns. Yeah. Since before I could talk and I've never heard someone say worse Western. Really?

Yeah. So it got me to tell you. My mom, well, she's dead. So you can tell her. Oh no. She's probably in the room. Oh my

God. Yeah, she real dead. But at least she got that banger out before she died. Absolutely, dude. Best Western, more like worst Western. Aw man, it really got me. I hope I say something that funny before I die. One can only hope.

So, Dave, you're the only man who's ever had sex. Yes. Are you single currently or are you dating currently? I am dating currently. I am in the beginning of a thing. Okay. There is no label nor understanding of what that thing is, but I feel positively about it. That's nice.

Yeah. Do you like to label things? Yes and no. I definitely, well, I'll say this. I'm monogamous. I have dated poly people, and they're like, poly? And I'm like, no.

No. Nope. And they're like, okay, because they were all nice people. So, yeah, I'm monogamous and I am pretty emotional and it's very, very hard. And this is a thing I definitely know after years and years of thinking about this. It's super hard for me to feel safe in a relationship. So in that way, labels are super important to me.

And historically, I've been pretty like wanting to get into a thing quickly. Someone, I was having problems in a relationship like two years ago, and I was talking to my friend Ariel about Ariel Norman. She is a comic in Austin. She's really funny. And she identifies, I'm going to fuck this up for sure. Okay. But she identifies in some way as transmasculine,

which is a gender identity sort of that has something to do with identifying female but also feeling very masculine and wanting to read masculine. So she's like that. Okay. Which is like a little bit different than people normally characterize women and men. And I was talking to her about problems I was having in a relationship about how I just,

and basically what I was saying was, I just want her to tell me that she likes me more. Oh, that's so adorable. I know. No, I know it. I just want her to say she likes me. And Ariel was like, she was like, yeah, you're pretty weird to date probably because you like read masculine and are masculine a lot of ways. And in bed I am too, for sure.

I mean, I think. Yeah, you know. But then in the relationship, when it's just the two of us, I'm like, no. You know what I mean? I need a hug. That's so adorable. I need a hug. Well, you are wearing a shirt that says feelings. It's true.

It's the merch from my suicide podcast. So, yeah, I'm complicated,le i oh wait so i knew this they give a podcast about suicide you don't bring people on who like want to kill themselves right certainly not okay if i meet people who i've never met i've never met someone for the first time and had them be like, I want to kill myself. But were that to happen, I would sit with them. You'd be like, save it for the pod. Yeah. I would be like, wait an hour.

I got to get my microphone set. Set this up. Man. Yeah. My goal is to get it on tape. You know what I mean? That would truly be so wild. Oh, God.

I'd be like, well, I absolutely have to kill myself now. You want me to save it for the pod? Oh, my God. What's fucked up is that I'll bet you that that's happened. You know what I mean? If you can think of something, it's happened. Absolutely. Man, do you want to hear a really, really crazy story?

Yes. I'm not going to say names in this because I think you, you have like probably a lot of listeners, right? I think so. Okay. A pretty decent amount. I've said this on podcasts before that didn't have so many listeners. And I just, just in the interest of this person not getting in trouble, but I think it's probably

fine. I did, I did stand up at a birthday party at an illegal sex dungeon once, and there was a sex show after the stand-up show, during which I... What a hard change! You're like, ha ha ha! Whoa! You know what's fucked up? Sam Tripoli hosted the stand-up

show, and then they just rolled him over as the host into the sex show. Damn, I felt so bad for him. And you know, the sex, the part of the sex show. Damn, I felt so bad for him. And you know, the part of the sex show I saw was cool because it was much more performative than it was sex. It was like a BDSM show more than a sex show. So there was like a woman who was like putting pins in herself and stuff. Oh boy, okay.

And she was actually really good. She was like a good dancer. I'm serious. And then after her, I left. And then the next day, one of the other comics on the show called me and was like, man, you shouldn't have left. Because after that, they showed a video of a woman. It was like one of those videos where she consented to camera at the beginning and then had a piece of her leg cut out.

What the fuck? Cooked. What? And then she ate it. No. I know. No. I'm sorry, Nicole.

Oh, no. This is probably not the normal content. A piece of her leg cut out of her and cooked. Yes. Did they say whether or not she was like, yummy? Did she enjoy herself? What's that? Did she enjoy eating herself?

Apparently so. It was a kink for her. Mmm. Mmm. Yes. I can't. This is perhaps, I'm regretting saying this now because it was. Honestly, though, it's very funny. And now all I'm thinking about is how I would taste.

Okay, so I know I would be delicious because I'm fat. and then the fattiest cuts of meat are the tastiest. Sure. So if I cut a little fatty piece of me. Which piece would you go for? I think I would go for the thigh. Maybe my inner thigh. I was going to say thigh, too, because I feel like it's meaty and fatty. I do like a chicken thigh.

Sure. I also might go butt for me. Butt's too fatty. Too fatty? Unless you have a muscular butt. I don't. I have a bubble butt for sure. All right, so you're going to go for butt.

How would you season yourself? I would eat my own butt. I would eat my ass. See, you would eat your ass for the joke. I'm trying to go for taste. I'm going for taste. It's not for the joke. I phrased it that way for the joke, but

I would eat my ass for flavor. And you can quote me on that. I would season myself. I like spicy meats. Sure. So I would put some, I use Slap Your Mama seasoning, which is like a New Orleans seasoning. I've never had it. It's really

good. It's spicy and a little salty. Great. Yeah, maybe some garlic. Sure. Man, I'm thinking straight up seasoned salt for me. Oh, okay. That stuff, that way you know what I'm talking about. Like Lowry's seasoned salt?

Lowry's, perfect. That's what I would put on my ass. Okay, so you said you're monogamous. Yes. You've been monogamous your whole life? Yes, I've never even had sex with more than one person at the same time. Wow. I've never done anything like that.

Interesting, because I read an article that was like, when dudes date, they're dating at least six people. Yeah. Which seems insane, and it's nice to hear that there's a man out there who's like, no, one lady at a time. Yeah. I think that that statistic is probably wrong. Maybe.

Or at least like. Inflated? Inflated. Or there's like the dudes out there that are dating multiple people are dating so many people that the average is six. Because I don't. I will say I'm a little bit of an aberration in that like I do – most people I know who are casually dating have no problem dating multiple people until they commit. I personally – I just like – it's more of an organizational issue. Yes. I'm actually yeah I'll like be going out with someone

and if I if I go on like three dates and I know we're going to go on more dates I'll cancel dates with other people oh because it just yeah I'm just very worried I don't want to be disrespecting people

or anything to the point where like to a fault because three dates doesn't necessarily mean it's going to go no it doesn't but I it's going to go. It doesn't.

Yeah. I do feel like at the end of the third date, if I'm feeling you, then like, if we're going to go out again, this might become a thing. Yes. And it feels strange to go on a first date during that time for me. Cause then I feel like during that first date,

I would be like, Hey, I just went on a third date. Like, how do you not bring that up? And then how do you talk about that? Yeah, you can't really, but I guess if you do go on a third date with someone, you like that person and you're on a first date with somebody else, you go, I'm just dating around, but that hurts. I agree. And yeah, I agree. I, I, and I feel,

I've always felt this way that people seem to bring a level of casualness to dating that it just impresses the shit out of me. Cause I just can't do it. I just get so worried about being a bad person. Like truly I'm thinking of one person in specific, one person specifically who I like, we were introduced by a friend and we were both so busy that it just took us a long time to actually have our first date. And in the process of doing that, I went out with someone else, and then we went out three times.

And I texted this girl the day of our first date, just thinking about it. I was like, hey, so you know, I went out with another girl three times. It just took us this long to go out. Out of respect, I feel like I should tell you that, and we should probably not go out for now and she was like what the fuck dude i wasn't trying to marry you and i was like and i was like fair that's fair okay i was not trying that's what's hard about it is like i don't want to imply that you want so much from me yeah and i also don't want to be disrespectful to you so i err on the side of the ladder. And then sometimes, actually a bunch of times women have been like, bro, relax.

Calm the fuck down. Totally. Yeah. I don't know. Dating is so hard. You never know if someone is a casual dater or if they are all in it. Yes. And you can't really read the room because nobody is ever up front about anything.

Absolutely. I would rather someone be like, I've been on three dates with someone. I don't think I can go out with you now, but maybe we'll go out with you in the future. I go, well, all right, I have all the information. Yes. All right. Having info.

And that is the nice thing. It's nice. I am in my 30s, and I am so blessed to be attracted to other people in their 30s. And so I tend to be dating people in their 30s. And I will say there is a grace with dating in your 30s that dating in your 20s does not allow. Oh, dating in your 20s is truly a mess. What a fucking nightmare.

It's the wild, wild west. Everybody's out here fucking and nobody's looking to commit. Everyone's desperate. Everyone thinks they need to be all free love, but none of them are because everyone's panicking that everyone hates them. You're bad at sex. You don't know how to do it. Yep. Oh, my God.

I think it's really strange when older dudes like 30 to 40- olds want to date a 21 year old or an 18 year old. Why? They're bad at sex. They don't know what they're doing. You're probably going to get a real toothy blue job. A toothy blue job. You're going to get a toothy blue. Yeah, date someone your own fucking age.

Date someone your own fucking age. Yeah. Whenever I match with someone who's like 29 or 28, I truly think about it in a way where I feel you're almost there. Yeah. You're almost 30, but you're not there. Do I really want to go out with you? Are you going to have 20-year-old bullshit that you're bringing along? I know. I think my bottom age is 27 on apps.

And I used to, I think up until I was like 34, it was like 22. That's too young. It's too young. Maybe it was like 24. No, it was. Because I remember, yes, because I remember when I learned this.

When I was like 31, 30 or 31, I'm not remembering. I dated a series of women and all of them were 22. And I found, some of them I knew ahead of time. Most of them I found out later thinking they were 24 or 25 or whatever. And I was like, what is happening? I have to. Why are they all so young? Why are they all 22?

And then I stopped. But then, yeah. So it was probably 24. But anyway. So I, yeah. But even then, with my, like, lower age, I'm 36. Lower age being 27. Even then, it's because I'm, like, some 26, 27-year-olds.

Yes, are a little bit more adult. Women do age faster than men. I think it's a brain thing that's been identified by brain scientists. Don't quote me on that, but I think that's what it is. Yeah. Are you, you're on apps or now you're in a thing, but like before were you, you're on hinge. I'm not a big app guy though. And even though like, But like before were you, you're on Hinge. I'm not a big app guy though. And even though like, even before I met this girl, being on Hinge, I think I went on two Hinge dates total in months because it's like, I mean, I don't know how you operate on dating apps, but the way it's working for me, I tend to, well, just I'll say not how I act, how people act toward me.

I match with very few people. Even less people than that talk to me. And most of the people who talk to me stop talking to me and we never go out. And so, and that has made me a person who like, I've been like, okay, well, I don't give a shit about this. I, if I match with someone, I don't give a shit about this I if I match with someone I don't look at the app very much okay I will like match with someone and maybe I'll say something but then I I turn the notifications off oh that's always off I want it to be a nice surprise when I finally look at it again like totally a person's talking to me and that's the thing I think most

of us especially if you're dating in your 30s you're looking at it casually and but it's but I still have the thing in my brain where I like want to matter to people. Yes. So it's a combo of me like not looking at it much. But then when someone doesn't write back to me inside of a day, I'm like, well, fuck you. Yeah. So it's just not really – it doesn't work for me. I don't like it anyway.

I don't like – it's not a good representation of myself or the people that i'm meeting i don't really know we don't really know if we're attracted to each other and then you find out the moment you meet in person and so then you go through the motions of a date where you might as well just meet in a park and and be like yep and then they're like nope and then you can be like thank god. And then they're like, nope. And then you can be like, thank God I know right fucking now instead of like having a milkshake and a cocktail with you or whatever we do. Why?

Why are you having milkshakes and cocktails? I don't know. That was a terrible example. What a gross date, Dave. Maybe that's why people don't want to go out with you because you're like, hey, you want to meet me for a milkshake and a cocktail? No, that's not.

Get that milk really curdling in your body and then we'll have tequila. I like to have dairy and then alcohol. Absolutely. Let the dairy sit. Man. Yeah. No, I've certainly never been on that date. No, but dates for me are anything that people can run away from.

Fair. I like going for drinks. I don't do dinner anymore. Dinner, you're really locking it in for at least an hour, hour and a half. And if they're bad right off the bat, I need to escape. I'll stay for two drinks if you're bad.

It's you saying this and other female friends in my life saying this that made me change to a person who is just like drinks or coffee, depending on when you would like to meet up, obviously. I don't think I've ever met anyone for coffee. Oh, you should. It's great. A daytime date seems scary.

It's great. Oh, it's great. You should do it. But why is it great? It's great specifically for online dating, in my opinion. And I've honestly only been on one online coffee date. So what the fuck do I know? But it didn't go anywhere.

We didn't really have that great of a time. Okay. I didn't entertain her and she did not entertain me. I liked her dog. She brought her dog? She brought her dog. Okay. And that's what's great about it is you can meet during a lunch break.

You can meet before work. You can meet before work. You can meet before a run or whatever. And if it's during the day, you can make up all kinds of reasons to leave easily. And she like, you know, we met and we had coffee and she was so obviously bored, which is bullshit because I'm so funny. I am a ball. You're very funny. I mean, I was being silly saying that, but also I guess I mean that. You're funny.

Thanks, yeah. I wish more funny people were like, I'm funny. Yeah. As opposed to being like, I don't know, sometimes I get on stage and sometimes people teehee. No, you're funny. You're a comic. You're funny. Drew Michael has a great joke about this where he's like, I went on a great first date and

she was awful and we're never going out again. And people were like, why was, how was that a great first date? And I'm like, well, I was there. And it's a good point. If you know our businesses, we know how to talk to people and be funny. There's at least going to be that. Yes. I can have a conversation.

Drew Michael also has a funny bit where he's like, why am I sitting here with you? I don't love you. You're not my mom. I love my mom. Then he goes on about three minutes about how he'd fuck his mom. It is a great joke. Wow, that's great.

Dave, we have to take a break. Great. And we're back. Wow wow what a break i advertised so hard dave okay what does a lady have to do on a first date to capture your attention for you to want to go out on a second date honestly i'm super. Like I come from a home and this is like getting pretty deep. I think I come from like a pots and pans clanging household. Uh, you know what I mean? Like my parents were like, ah, screamers and throwing, maybe not throwing, but like, you know, banging doors and stuff. And, and I really, really don't like that. And I feel that in me. And I also want a partnership and I want kids, but I refuse to do what they did. And so it's a big part of it for me is,

will I be creating a situation that is a warm household long-term? And obviously you're not going to find that out date one, but I'm just trying to figure out if we get along and so that's i i honestly tell people when i say uh it's not gonna work out i tell them that like look you're cool but uh we're not vibing it really doesn't seem like uh we're like gonna be good friends and so see ya and that's like really what it comes down to for me you know know, there are exceptions to that rule. Like if we're like vibing chemistry, like sexual chemistry wise, then it's like, you know, we'll see where that goes. But then I, I'm like pretty open about that too.

If that's the case, this hasn't happened to me yet, but if that's the case and it seems like we won't get along, I would say that. I would be like, hey, what are you looking for? I am not really looking for much but hooking up. You fuck good, but you seem bad. But you seem like an asshole. You seem like a bad lady that I don't like forever. Or more likely, you seem like a good lady who, without meaning to, pushes all my buttons.

without meaning to pushes all my buttons. And that's because that's the thing is like I'm a super, you know, I got all kinds of, you know, cobwebs in my brain like we all do. And I've been going to therapy for a decade I think about it. Nice. I love therapy. Oh my god, it's

the best. It's great. It's the best. And so like, yeah, a lot of that is me. It's like you could be doing nothing at all. Like most people aren't, I mean, there are obviously manipulative people, but most people aren't trying to fuck with you. Correct.

But sometimes, uh, someone just by nature of being themselves makes you feel insane and you probably shouldn't date people where that's the case. You are very correct. And that's a thing that I've had to learn. Oh, my God. Hard same. Oh, boy. If they make you feel like you're going nuts, this is not the person for you. As much as you might be pulled to them and they might be a very good person,

just pay attention to how you feel. This is a big reason I am single at 36, I think, too, is, like, when you're a person with mental bullshit, a lot of people are going to push your buttons. Correct. So you also, actually, the thing I'm doing now is I'm trying to meet it halfway where I'm like, okay, I, to a certain extent,

this is going to happen no matter what because of my bullshit. Yes. So I need to, like, know there's going to be conflict and know how to talk about it. And so I'm trying to, like, calm down about it and stuff like that. And this girl I'm with now, it's cool, actually, because I've already, there's been a moment or two where we've, like, had a little bit of a misunderstanding. Or in the past, I would have been like, well, I'm out. Anytime we ever disagree.

That's bad. Um, but it seems to be like, I've like pushed past that a time or two in a minor way and it's been good. So it seems to be a good decision. Yeah. Yeah. I've been trying to, when I go on a date with a non funny person to understand that their job is not being funny. Yes. That I can have a conversation with them and just know that it won't be like a real chuckle

fest. Man, that has got to be, I've always thought that's got to be so hard for female comedians, straight female comedians. Yeah. Because, you know, obviously the regular dating dynamic is like men are trying to make the women laugh. And so like, yeah, I don't even think about it if I'm dating a girl who's not a funny person. And then it's also especially great for me because if I do date a woman who's funny, it's like, whoa, this is so cool.

Because it's never the expectation. But yeah, are you kidding, Nicole? Like what a treat for them to just like, for you to make them laugh the whole time. But they don't seem to want that. I've been on dates with dudes who, I'll say something funny and they'll, I can see them want to laugh,

but they won't really. They'll just go, huh? And then try to say something funnier. And then I'm like, oh, well, I could build on that. And then I'll say something funnier. And they're like, and I see the frustration on their face where they're like but just let me have the last funny word and then I go yeah I'm sorry and then I feel bad oh man that's so awful that like

part of American dating is really off that is so lame Because a lot of times, like think about television shows. The funniest person is usually the dude. Yes. And then the wife is like, oh, God, why are you doing this? Yeah. You're like, why does she have to be so shrill and not funny? Oh, my God. I know.

There's so much. So many of the couples on TV, the woman is just complaining. Yep. It's so crazy. She's like, I can't believe he went out to have fun again. And it's like, bitch, you go have fun. Somebody script this bitch to have fun. It's also like in most of those couple situations, the woman is so insanely fit and hot.

And the dude looks like shit. And he looks like,. Like what is the, what is the high C, the green goblin from the high C box? Do you know what I'm talking about? The, what is it? Slimer.

Yeah. Slimer. What's that from? Is that from the Ghostbusters? Yes. These men look like Slimer. And these women have to be all fit and shit. Yeah.

It's ridiculous. It's so crazy. I've been watching Little Women Atlanta. I told you earlier. And the way these men talk to these women is so upsetting. And I'm like, is it because they're little? Is it the little people men you're talking about or regular dudes? I shouldn't say regular.

I think they say average-sized people. That's how they refer to people of average height. They're like, these average-height people are dating dating these little people and they're so mean to them. And I'm like, are you taking it because you're a little person? You don't know if you'll find anybody else. I don't know. But also I'm in season one. So this is like five years ago. I don't know who they're dating now. I refuse to look on the internet to see what's happening now. But this one little person got pregnant she goes to her boyfriend she says i took a pregnancy test and it said yeah which i thought was a very funny

that's so funny and it said yeah it said yeah i like paused it and laughed so hard and he was like oh dang and she's like but you've been fucking with me for three years he's like yeah whatever and she was like but what if the baby's a little person will you be will you be mad he was like yeah and she's like get out of my house and then the next episode she says he's kind of come around i was like i don't think he did no he straight up was like mad that your child might be a little person when you're a little bit it was like if i went to a june i was like i'm pregnant and the baby is gonna be half black black. And he's like, I don't want that. He's like, but you fucked a black. It was so mind boggling. I couldn't believe it.

That's yeah. That's like, I mean, yeah, that guy did not get better. That person is prejudice against little people. But he's fucking little people. Wow. I guess it's like a clans member who's got like a black in the corner. who's like, I hate you, you little nigglet, but I'll fuck you. What a terrible word, nigglet. Anyway.

I can't say it. No, you can't. People get real mad at you. Yep. Well, luckily, I don't want to. Perfect. Thank you for being an ally. A nice white person who's like, I don't need to say it.

A lot of white people are like, I whisper it to myself every morning. Well, I do that. Oh, can I tell you real quick? Yes. There's a show that I think you would love. Okay. There's two problems. One, I'm pretty sure you can't find it anywhere anymore.

And two, when I describe it to you, you're not going to believe that it's good or that you would like it but my friend Julie is like pretty big in reality TV editing she's inscripted too but she like came up in reality TV so she has edited she's been the lead editor on like a lot

of seasons of the challenge real world challenge and so she invited a bunch of us over to her house one day and she was like there's a show that i edited and it will never be aired and i want you to watch it it has since aired and then i think was taken off okay here's the concept it's exactly like real world except everyone in the house has down syndrome okay and so you can see obviously why okay it seems like these people are being taken advantage of absolutely and so i was thinking like yeah this is gonna be fucking awful it is so fucked up that someone made this show and then

i watched it and i was like these people are not being taken advantage of they're being treated well they are people yes they put them in a house and had them interact dang you know what sucks i heard that and immediately was like oh no yeah they're being mean to them but then it's like why would that be the first thought i had they are people too yes and i think it might be good for people to see a bunch of people with down syndrome interact. Matter of fact, not only is it good in the way that I think you probably just meant, which is that it's enlightening about people who have Down syndrome. Also, like because of how their brains work.

And I'm not saying everyone with Down syndrome's brain works exactly the same, but obviously they share that they have Down syndrome. Yes. So they're, I think the best way to characterize it is that they're learning disabled, but however they process information slower or whatever, what it does is it makes it so it's just a lot more simple, their relationships. And so everything takes a lot longer and everything is a lot more adorable as a result. So they're grownups and they're like, we've been dating for eight weeks

and I think today will be the day that he kisses me on the lips. It is so great. That's so sweet! Yeah. What a nice takeaway to be like, things happen at a slower pace and we can all stand to learn from that. Yes.

Because anytime I've, well, I work backwards. I'll like fuck a dude on the first date and then be like, I can't wait till he kisses me. Hello. Oh, man. I get it. He's already been inside of me. I know. Why are you waiting for that moment?

But it's such a nice moment when you greet someone and they just lean in to kiss you and you're like, well, we're at that stage now. And then you're like, maybe we'll hold hands in public. He's already been inside of you. No, I get that, though, because that stuff is fun and it's cute and good. And the reason that you fuck first is that we're grown-ups and it's like yeah yeah i'm an adult if it gets there it gets there if you can't make me come i'm not holding your hand in public get out of here if i'm not squealing during the night time i'm not holding your hand during the sunrise. Wow. That's a quotable.

Put it on a bumper sticker. Can I tell you on the same line of thinking, though, the way that the show is bad is that they still have, there are still shitheads. Ah. And there are still, like, cheaters and liars and manipulators, but at this, like, more simple dating level. at this like more simple dating level. So there's a dude in the house who's like hooking up with a lot of the ladies in the house and they're all in love with him. But all they've done is he's held hands with some of them and he's kissed some of them on the lips and they're all arguing about what that means is. I'm upset.

I love the show. I am fully invested on this show. I'm pretty sure it's called Normal House. Normal House. Okay. Yeah. I think that was the name. I'm going to try to find it. You should. Dailymotion is a great website that inverts things so they get around copyright

issues. Wow. I didn't realize that's how they do it. It's inverted and sometimes they slow it down. So I'll watch old seasons of RuPaul Drag Race that you can't find, and Ru will be like, the today challenges. And if you're okay watching it, like, I can't wait to find Normal House. I am really excited. I'm going to look it up right now.

Yeah, look it up. And I think that I can talk while slowly looking it up. Okay, well, when did you have your first girlfriend? When I was a freshman in high school. Okay. She was a senior in high school. Whoa! Yeah, it was pretty big time.

Slaying that four years older pussy! Yep. We made out and that's as far as it got. Okay. I like it. We dated for one month. One month. And when she dumped me over the phone, I hung up and literally screamed the word no.

A few times. No! That is really sweet and very funny. Okay. When did you get your second girlfriend? I think I was in 10th grade. Okay. And here's the thing about me.

I am very, I very much have an anxiety disorder. I have very bad anxiety. Like I said, I'm very much like, do you like me? And that was a thing that now I'm okay with. Cause it's like, I don't know what he, I guess I've just gotten okay with myself or at least okay with that part of myself. So I'm fine. And I can tell people and it's not weird, but you know, being a high school boy and being a guy who's like, they like me and being like afraid of sex and shit like that was like very difficult. So it all made me panic and I would like –

so anyway, my next girlfriend was a girl who told me she wanted to lose her virginity to me. Okay. And that scared me to death because I didn't know how to – I literally hadn't jerked off yet. I didn't jerk off until I was 15. Whoa. Yeah, I was late for all of it. Okay.

Yeah, and then she at one point offered me a hand job and I pan 15. Whoa. Yeah. I was late for all of it. Yeah. And then she, at one point, offered me a hand job. And I panicked, said I felt sick, went to the bathroom, and then came out and was like, yep, I'm sick, and left. I just like, I don't even know what it was. I just couldn't, I just didn't know what it was or what to do or how to feel about it and I didn't talk to anyone about it or wow I wish I could explain what the panic came from but I don't even

know I was just afraid I think I get it you're like what do I do just sit there while this person is just fucking jerking me off and do I say thank you this is nice well is that combined with like what if I don't get a boner? Ah, yes, yes, yes.

Because I have like, yeah, I'm pretty panicky. And when you panic, you lose an erection. And so there are like a bunch of instances throughout my life, especially younger when I understood myself less, where I would lose a boner during sex. And again, I'm like fine with this now, but when I was younger, I would panic and then I would be like, oh, I'm not a man. And like, she hates me.

She doesn't, she's going to go fuck a football player now. And then they're going to make fun of me in bed. You know what I mean? Stuff like that. So it was partially that too. Like if I don't get a boner, then she's going to tell the whole school or something. I don't know. boner, then she's going to tell the whole school or something. I don't know. What a bummer. I wish in, like, sex ed they explained things like that.

Like, if you lose a boner, it's not your fault. Maybe you have anxiety. Maybe it's something in your head. It's not your body. Oh, my God. There should be a curriculum in high school that everyone has to take about interacting with human beings i think so yes because we're just let out into the world like little freaks and you're like i gotta fuck oh no what if i don't fuck good i don't know yeah it's real wild it's terrible and you know what like one of the things over the course of

the past however many years when uh like the dialogue publicly has been like men listen to us you know what i mean i think i have said this a few times any any guy or straight person or white person or whatever you are who's a good person has in the past few years been like maybe i don't get it you know maybe i should think about it and in analyzing that with me i realized one of the things that i did wrong that i'm ashamed of that i don't like is I have lost an erection hooking up with a girl and flipped out. And luckily, I don't think I've ever been like, it's your fault. But I've been like, oh, fucking, and like punched a pillow and stuff. And that's scary.

And I don't want to be that. Yeah, that's not okay. And I'm sure I scared those women. And that sucks. And I wouldn't have done that if I had been taught or told or ever that it was okay. Yes, it's okay. Also, sex doesn't equate an erection. You can do other shit. Oh, man.

You can root around in that pussy. You can lick that clit. You can do a lot of stuff. You can make out. It's also just really nice to lay there in bed together. It is nice. And if you do 10, I have found that as an anxious person, if I say like, you know what? I just get really anxious and I'm sorry if we could just lay here together.

And then their reaction is, oh, okay. Then that tiny interaction is like, oh, they're fine with it. And then not that much time goes by and we're fucking. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. I think if more people just said in the moment what they need from somebody else, it would make sex so much easier and so much better. You know?

Like if a dude was like, hey, can we just take a moment? I would absolutely say, yeah. Man, who? We could take all the moments we need. You would, how terrible of a person do you have to be to be like, no. No, I want to fuck you. I want to fuck you. And if your dick ain't ready, I'm going to fucking kick you in the dick.

Yeah, totally. Then you're a fucking loser. I did hook up with one girl that was like that. And what a nightmare. It reinforced this shit in me for years. Oh, dang. That sucks. I know. I hooked up with her. I'm not even kidding you. was like that and it what a nightmare it reinforced this shit in me for years oh dang that sucks i know i hooked up with i'm not even kidding you i she was so so so so hot i was so attracted to her

which made me intimidated and nervous more so than usual and uh and i was like i like kept losing my boner and at one point she literally just goes would you please just fuck me? And I was like, no, I definitely can't. Oh, no. No. I can't do it now. You screamed at me. That woman's wild. She's bad.

She's a bad potato. She's a bad potato. That is so wild. She's definitely not out there having a good life. No. Unless she did some soul searching. Just intimidating men. She's like, nobody will fuck me and I don't know what. Little lady, just take a chill pill. You're just, well, you're

screaming fuck you at everybody. So that's why you don't have friends. That is so rude. Yeah, it sucked. I was dating this dude for a little bit. He couldn't get a boner and I was like, it's okay. I like you. We can truly just make out a little bit more. like couldn't get a boner and I was like it's okay I like you we can truly just like

make out a little bit more and he was like no I have to go and I was like alright and then our next date everything changed it was very much like

hi how are you a handshake we went from like kissing when we saw each other to like not a handshake but like like a padded hug

oh he felt so insecure that sucks and I was like and I told him I was like I'm fine with this. We can take as long as you need. And he truly was like, you'll never have the time.

And so we stopped seeing each other. Damn. Yeah. But also in hindsight, oh, what a blessing. I know. Because he boring as fuck. Really? Yeah.

I find myself dating dudes and I'm like, they're boring, but it's okay. It's fine. I'll just be interesting for the both of us. Yes. They're just like, a boring dude don't want that. I've been there. I mean, when you have been single a long time, you start making concessions. Uh-huh.

You're like, this will be okay. I can deal with this. It's fine. Do you know the Putterbaugh sisters? Mm-hmm. Okay. I guess I was about to say, have you had them on the show? No, not yet.

I was going to say you should, but I shouldn't say things like that. Do what you want to do, please. Of course. Thank you, white man. Yeah, why did I word it that way? Now I feel very anxious. No. And I'm caving in on myself.

No, no, no. I think because they also both have been dating into their 30s, but they're also just like super funny, alpha adventurous people. They both have such crazy dating stories. And Tiffany Putterbaugh, I won't tell the whole story because it's hers, but she dated a dude who had a panic disorder where he like couldn't feel not anxious unless he was in his safe space and separately he and that's fine who cares you know we all have problems but separately he had created his own urban rickshaw business okay and so his safe space was his rickshaw

so he could only fuck on his rickshaw i don don't know if it was fucking, but he couldn't feel calm unless he was in his rickshaw. That's insane. There is an episode of 90 Day Fiancé where Paul and Karini get into a fight, and then Paul goes into a doghouse and closes the door and goes, calm, calm, calm, calm, calm, calm. Oh, my God. To get calm, and I was like, whoa, boy. I know everyone's got their own shit, but I don't think I can deal with that. Oh, absolutely. Yeah.

That's the thing. You can be understanding of people's issues, but then at a certain point, it's like, yeah, but also I got to live my life. I got to live my life and not have my boyfriend be in a doghouse. In a literal doghouse going, calm, calm, calm. Here's a question. Do you, you go on the road, do you have chuckle fuckers? Yes, and it's not a relationship I'm that cool with.

I don't really like that dynamic. So I have hooked up with people who are fans here and there, but I really try not to. Okay. Yeah. You, do you have chuckle fuckers? No. That's a bummer. A lot of ladies, I don't think. I've heard this with women. fans here and there, but I really try not to. Okay. Yeah. You? Do you have chuckle fuckers? No. No. That's a bummer.

A lot of ladies, I don't think- I've heard this with women. You get off stage and a guy goes, wow, I got to fuck that funny lady. Huh. The compliment I get from dudes are like, you're pretty funny. Wasn't expecting that. Keep going. Thank you.

Damn. Yeah, I don't. And then the two times I've really tried to fuck on the road just did not work out in my favor. Didn't work out in your favor in what way? No. Well, one of them was fully gay. Oh, sure. It was a whole thing where he tried to put a vibrator, a little pocket rocket, and a condom.

It was a whole thing. Wait. It was a whole thing. So he wasn't an out gay man. He thought he was. He might have been, but I didn't know him because I met him in the audience of my show and then I invited him to my hotel we get to my room

he truly did not know what a pussy was he was like rubbing on the outside mound and not inside it was very confusing but he wanted to hook up allegedly and then I was telling my friend about it she goes well you have his email because I gave him my email about it. She goes, well, you have his email.

Because I gave him my email, not my phone number. I'm not crazy. So she was like, you have his name. Look at his Instagram. So I looked at his Instagram. His first picture was him at Pride. So I was like, he's definitely a gay man. Who I think maybe was like, maybe I'll get into some pussy.

And then was like, I don't want this pussy. Wow. Yeah, because he started to go down on me. He was like, I can't do this. And I was like, do I have a stinky puss? And then I was like, no't want this pussy wow yeah cause he started to go down on me and was like I can't do this and I was like do I have a stinky puss and then I was like no it smells like a pussy it was a whole thing where I was just going through it and then the last time I tried fucking on the road this dude couldn't get hard

then I think I told this story on the podcast but I'll just tell you real quick so I like to be choked it's a thing and I was like well I want to come I'm an adult I'll tell tell you real quick. So I like to be choked. It's a thing. And I was like, well, I want to come. I'm an adult. I'll tell him.

I was like, you can choke me if you want. He was like, great. So he starts to choke me. He's not fully hard. And I figured he would get hard inside me because that happens. But then he's just mashing his like semi flaccid dick into my thigh. And I looked up at him and I was like, you're just killing me. It wasn't good.

Damn. It was very bad. So I've given up trying to fuck on the road sure i mean it's gonna be weird no matter what anytime you meet someone that day and hook up i mean you're like learning about the person while you're having sex that's difficult and that's why i want to be in a relationship because you get that all out of the way i know what you like i can ask you if you want to do in a relationship because you get that all out of the way. I know what you like. I can ask you if you want to do this new fun thing and you can go, no, same old, please.

My usual. A number one, please. And then I do the number one and then we go to sleep and it's great. That's what I want. Absolutely. That's what I want. I love that. Dave.

Nicole. Come to the end. Oh I love that. Dave. Nicole. We've come to the end. Oh, my Lord. Really? Yeah. It's been a real nice conversation. I've had so much fun. This has been really wonderful.

Thank you for having me. I have a question. I asked all of my guests. I think I've only missed four people. Would you date me? Oh, yeah, of course. What do people say? What do they tend to say?

Earlier in episodes, they would go, no. Sure. Some people have been like, you have emotional walls up. Whoa, really? Mm-hmm. You're a little too wild. I don't think you respect yourself is what somebody said. Whoa!

In an episode I didn't release because he asked me not to. Tee hee hee. Oh, my. Oh, my. Wow. But, you know, it's okay. didn't release because he asked me not to. Tee hee hee. Wow. But, you know, it's okay. But now lately, I think I've worked on myself enough. People have started to say yes, which is nice

and kind. Well, we had such a fun episode. How could we not date? Let's get married, Nicole. Let's get married tomorrow on Sunday. I almost said Friday. Well, if tomorrow is Sunday, then let's do it then. Let's do it right on a Sunday. I almost said Friday. Well, if tomorrow is Sunday, then let's do it then. Let's do it right on a Sunday. We'll fly to Vegas.

We'll get a nice Elvis impersonator. Absolutely. It'll be very opulent. Do you have anything you want to promote? Just the album. Tell them where they can get it. It's called, like you said before, it's called The Only Man Who Has Ever Had Sex. It's called, like you said before, it's called The Only Man Who Has Ever Had Sex.

You can get it on all the places you can buy it digitally or from the two record labels that put it out, A Special Thing Records and Little Dipper. And all those links are on this website I made. It's sex.guns.blog. That's funny. And you have a show called Good Heroin. I do, every Saturday. Every Saturday.

You just did it. I did. It's one of my favorite shows. Oh, man, we love having you. I love called Good Heroin. I do, every Saturday. Every Saturday. You just did it. I did. It's one of my favorite shows. Oh, man, we love having you. I love trying new material there. Your audiences are just really great. They're great. It's a great show.

Man, that show last week was so cool, too, because, I mean, it's just cool. That show, the show's been around for like five years. And so, like, everyone we know, including yourself, their careers have been growing and they've been getting more and more known. But then also our audience, we have so many repeat customers over five years that our audience has gotten to know the comedians that do the show, a lot of them. And so and then last week was during Echo Park Rising. And it was so cool because I just noticed there were people there who knew you from your TV shows and podcasts and stuff. But also there were people there who knew you and Sashir and Eliza and shit just from doing the show. And you could see people's eyes light up when each of you got brought to the stage.

When Sashir was a surprise drop-in and everyone was like, what the fuck? It was, oh man, it made me so happy. Yeah, that shows, truly, if you live in LA, you should go. It's $5? It's free. Oh, man. It made me so happy. Yeah, that shows truly if you live in L.A., you should go. It's $5. It's free. Oh, it's fucking free. You should go. There's always like a stellar lineup.

It's super fun. It's at a great bookstore that serves beer and wine. And there's a bunch of like weird art and weird books in there. It's so much fun. And it's outside. Who doesn't like being outside? Well, if you like this episode of Oh, I Want't You Date Me, you can like, you can subscribe. Rate it five stars.

And if you email me or message me or in the review on iTunes, write something hitting on me. But it has to be nasty. I'll read it. So this person said, I want to take a spatula, dip it in some mayonnaise and smother your puss with that goopity goo until it looks like a roast beef sandwich. Then I'm going to slurp every drop of that pussy mayo with a metal straw. In parentheses, environmentally friendly, of course. Spit it into a bowl and whip up some pussy potato salad to snack on later. Good eating.

That is disgusting. Oh, I hated that. Okay, this person. Wow, I hated that too. It was almost as upsetting as the person who said they wanted to flip me upside down and fill me with clam chowder. This one, this person said,

this is for your pod. I want to climb to the top of your stripper pole, take off your panties, then slide down, then have you slide down on my face. I will devour your pussy while you sit on my face. Then I'll pop up and fuck you doggy style while you rub your clit until you come. And then I'll finish on your pole.

That is. Oh, then he said very down to fuck while you're in Boston. Oh, wow. Damn. Okay. So that one was real. Oh, no. Okay. Thank you. Bye bye. Bye. Damn. damn okay so that one was real oh no okay thank you bye bye damn This has been a Team Coco production.