Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Married at 20 (w/ Ron Funches)

Episode Date: August 23, 2019

"We stayed married for 7 years - and we should've never gotten married." From the age of 20, Ron Funches (Trolls, Giggle Fit, The Eric Andre Show) was married with a son. He shares his struggles being in a committed relationship from a young age, and what it's like now re-entering the dating world with a son. He also shares the cute story how he mistook his current girlfriend for a robot on Bumble, expresses his love living in silence, and the changes in his dating life since losing weight. Check out his podcast Gettin' Better with Ron Funches. You can play along and see Nicole's dating app profiles and photos on her Facebook at: https://www.facebook.com/pg/NicoleByerComedy Be sure to rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Leave a dirty comment for a chance to have it read on-air. Follow Nicole Byer: Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdates Twitter: @nicolebyer Instagram: @nicolebyer Facebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedy Buy Merch: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/nicole-byer?ref_id=9649

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Ooh, ooh, baby Welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how she's still single Even though you could put your dick in a jar of applesauce and I'll still suck it

I hate applesauce My guest today, you know him from NBC's Undateable Trolls. He's got a special on Comedy Central called Giggle Fit. It's Ron Funches! Oh, I always love it when you introduce me. Ron, thank you so much for doing this. Thank you for having me,

Nicole. I think you are so delightful and a joy to watch on stage. I'm so excited you're here. So, quick question. You're not single. No, not currently.

Are you in a long-term relationship or did you just get into a relationship? It just turned long-term. Yay! We just had our year anniversary. Oh, congratulations. That's so sweet. What did you do for your anniversary? What did we do?

I don't think we did much. I got her some flowers. I did get her some flowers. And I think we just went on a little walk because I was working a bunch. I was working all during that time and leaving out of town. But we had, I think, just a little date and walked around. I got her flowers. It was simple.

That's very, very sweet. Did she do anything for you? What did she do for our anniversary? I think she, oh, she made me a lasagna. Yeah. Honestly, what a perfect anniversary. Oh boy. Flowers, a walk, and then a lasagna.

Yeah. My own personal lasagna. Because she doesn't eat cheese. So she just my own personal lasagna because she did she she didn't she doesn't eat cheese so she just made a personal lasagna just for me i'm like yeah you're a keeper that's so sweet it is the best what was in the lasagna was it a meat lasagna oh you you know if it's me it's gotta be me yeah whatever i have a lasagna with no meat in it i'm like what is this bullshit yeah you're gonna give me all this pasta and cheese and I don't get meat? Can I get any meat?

What are we doing? We're not holding back here. This is layers of lies. Yeah. Give me my meat. Give me my meat. How did you guys meet? Oh, it's actually a pretty, I guess, I don't know.

Everybody says it's a fun story. If not, it was probably a normal story. We met on Bumble. Oh, it's actually a pretty, I guess, I don't know. Everybody says it's a fun story. If not, it's probably a normal story. We met on Bumble. Oh, okay. And I assumed that she was a robot, which is why I have given her that nickname, Robot, because she had one picture of her that's just straight on, not smiling, that looked like she stole from somebody else's picture. I was like, oh, you just stole this from some Russian site,

and you're a robot. But I was stoned and bored, so I was like, I'll chat with this robot. Why not? They're fun until they are like, hey, give me money for things. And so we just chatted for a bit, and then I found out that she wasn't a robot. She was a real girl. And we went out a couple of days. We went hiking over at Rain Canyon

and we went on a walk to the comedy store and hung out. But she was also very like traditionally pretty. She was a very traditional pretty girl. And I was very much a nerd. And also, you know, I came from a background where I was a lot heavier and I was just like what you like and I also have been dealing with being on a tv show and had the first case of people being around me for ulterior motives you know that was something that was very new to me anyone

that wanted to hang out with me before I knew like because you like my personality and you know I'm a good person but now you feel like a little bit of fame to you. Yeah, and then sometimes it just took a couple times of people calling me. Like, I'd be into a girl, we'd be talking, we'd be dancing, and they would call me by my character name. And I'd just be like, what? Like, oh, you don't

you're on this whole other thing. Ron, that's wild. It is wild. That, I don't, that would really, that would hurt my feelings. It did. Oof. Yeah. That would really rock my boat.

Oh, so you fully don't give a shit about me as the person. You only care about what you see on TV. I worry about that when I go on dates because I'm like, do you have prior expectations? Like I'm pretty broad and a lot on nailed it. And I was like, when I'm dating these people, do they do they think that's what I'm going to bring to like the first interaction? And it's like, it's not. You may get that at some point, but I am a little.

You're a full person. Yeah. Yeah. You're not not you're hosting a show you're going to be loud and boisterous and a date you might not be like that and yeah same same thing where it was a thing of like people being like oh I want to hang out with you because you're so sweet and adorable and I'm just like oh I'm not always like that so maybe you don't want to hang out with me so it took a little bit of that we went on a couple dates and I knew that she liked comedy and was going around the comedy

store so I was just like oh maybe she's just like a comedy groupie or something and I was like well I'm not here for that I got my son I'm doing things so we went on a couple dates and then I just was like I don't think it's going to work out I'm interested in somebody else and i dated someone else for about four or five months and um and then but we just remained friends and then when that broke off i just kind of reached back out to her and we just hung out and just took her actually coming over

to my house and we had a date where she just came over and nothing happened. We just watched. We took turns showing each other our favorite shows. So I showed her an episode of I Love Lucy that I love. She showed me an episode of Golden Girls that she love. And then she showed me an episode of Golden Girls where they watch I Love Lucy. And I was like, I didn't even know about this. This is so fucking cute.

It's real cute. And then we just played Super Nintendo for a while and she left and I was like, oh didn't even know about this. This is so fucking cute. It's real cute. And then we just played Super Nintendo for a while and she left. And I was like, oh, you're really a nerd. I just thought because I made the mistake of judging you on how you look. And, you know, we've been just kind of hanging out ever since. And the more we get to know each other, the more, you know, it just seems like she's always been around. And it's just cool and nice and just trying to stay committed and keep, you know, it just seems like she's always been around and it's just cool and nice and she's trying to stay committed and keep, you know, keep distractions away.

That seems to be the game right now. It truly sounds like you found someone that you enjoy just being with because all of your dates are like walking around or like watching TV. And I feel like in the beginning of a relationship, it's hard to like live in silence. And with some friends, it's hard to be silent with them because you're like, oh, why aren't you talking? Should I be talking? We need to fill the silence. But I really love being around people where you can just be quiet.

Yeah. I hate talking. It's our job. It is. So like that's the last thing I want to do. And that used to be a problem. And also like my son, you know,

special needs and he doesn't talk that much. So I've often just live in this house where like, you have to be comfortable with silence. Yes. And I love it. And she is, and I've dated people before where I would be up front with them. And I'm like,

look, I don't like partying. I don't go to bars. I don't drink. Um, so you gotta know up front. them and be like look I don't like partying I don't go to bars I don't drink so you gotta know up front I'm not like I'm not like a hermit I am a hermit but I am willing to like well I'll go to dinner

you wanna go on a hike if you wanna go if you have an event you wanna go to a um go to a movie if you wanna go to a museum totally down but if you wanna go to a club if you wanna go to a club you wanna go to go to a museum totally down but if you want to go to the club if you want to go to a club you want to go a party i'm not down i go to two parties a year and they all involve people way way way more famous than me and that's the only reason i go i go to two parties a

year i love it um so you you've it's not super recent but you've lost weight. Do you think that affected your dating life? Oh, most definitely. Most definitely. In a positive way? In positive and negative. Okay. Both. It just affected it.

It just... May I ask how much weight you've lost? Do you know? Yeah. About 140 pounds right now. Yeah! That's cool. That's cool.

That's a great reaction. Yeah. I mean, I think you looked great before. I think you look great now. Thank you. I think people should lose weight if it's going to make them happy. Absolutely. And if you're happy, you know, bigger, then, like, that's you.

Absolutely. That's the point. If you're happy and you're healthy, it's all I care about. I've never been a person, and it was just, just like I'm always good at carrying my weight I'm always going to be a bigger person I'm never going to just shrink and become a tiny man but I was at a point where I'm like oh I'm not healthy

like I'm not healthy and I go back and I look at pictures of myself and I'm like oh you weren't healthy and so losing the weight it did allow me to A. there were people who were just like oh you're more traditionally attractive and now I'm into you. And that was lame, you know, but it gave me. But it was also some people were just like, oh, people are just attracted that I'm healthy and that I'm doing things, that I'm active.

That's attractive. You know, I understand that more. I used to have this joke where I was like, oh, I understand why girls weren't paying attention to me before, because I wouldn't have dated me either. That would have been a probably a bad idea. I appreciate the ones that did. They are the saints of the world because they saw through me just sleeping all day. We're like, you're a good um and but just being more active but yeah the main thing was like i could learn very quickly the people who just liked me for me and were just like oh i'm happy for you yay and the people who are like what wow it's like oh that's all you ever

saw was a big fat dude i'm the same The same person, just the shells changed a little bit, you know? And that has happened throughout your life. So it just gave me more perspective of how people view me. I also like you saying that you're still the same person. The shell is just different. Because I think a lot of people, when they start losing weight or try to lose weight, they're doing it for the wrong reasons. They're like, I'm going to become a happier person if my body just looks different.

Or like people are going to accept me for being a better person if I lose weight. And it's like, well, you're still the same person. So if you lose the weight and you're unhappy bigger, you'll probably be unhappy smaller. And you've got to work on what's inside the shell. Absolutely. You've got to work on what's inside the shell absolutely work on the yolk you gotta you gotta take care of your yolk you definitely do uh but you gotta take care of both it's a it's a balance and and all i uh i've been trying to take care of my yolk for a couple

years now uh i go to therapy i talk about therapy a lot because I think it's super helpful. And I think I'm happy with who I am. I think I'm like a good person who's really working on themselves. So now I'm trying to get a little bit healthier. So like when I'm touring, I was like, there is a reason why you sleep all day and then drink all night and then you're hungover. And then you're going to do two shows and you feel exhausted at the end of it, because that's not healthy, and it's not fun to get on a plane hungover. So now I've started, if I'm doing a three-day weekend somewhere, when I land, I'll try to go to the gym for 40 minutes

and move my body a little bit, so when I do the show, I'm loose, I feel good, I've moved around, I feel great. And then on Fridayiday i'll wake up maybe explore the town but then like go to the gym and like move my body for like 30 minutes and it's been so helpful like i wish someone was like when i was growing up i wish they said you should exercise so you feel good as opposed to you should exercise because you're getting fatter because i was like getting fatter has never been yeah i've never been angry about you're not gonna shame me no i'm like

you're not yes and that's what it felt like that like growing up people were trying to shame me into losing weight and i was like i have no shame i uh i live pretty loud and proud so uh you're not gonna do that yeah and then it becomes even that way. It becomes kind of defiant. Like, I refuse to do it because you want me to. Yep. And I'm like, I don't want to do anything for you. I do everything for me.

And that's truly backfired. Yeah. I can see that. That seems like it sounds like a good idea. And you're like, oh, wait a minute. You're like, uh-oh. I'm winded and I'm truly just standing and talking for an hour. Yeah, these are the things that were happening to me that made me be like, oh, I got to change.

Also, my mom was a big thing of just one day. She was just like, I don't like buying you clothes this size. It doesn't make me feel good as a mom. And that was a real eye-opener to have her say that to my face you know and and and it was just about yeah like I'm 30 well I think when I started losing weight I was 30 31 and and I was just like I'm in my 30s and my knees shouldn't hurt I've never played football I don't have a reason for my knees to hurt I shouldn't like you said doing two shows a night shouldn't be a reason why I need to sleep all day.

And now, I mean, that's truly one of the best ways that got me started was that someone did take the shame out of it. They took all the emotion out of it, really. They were just like, look at you. You're doing so well. You're on this show. You're doing all these things, and you're not healthy. Imagine your capabilities if you're healthy. Imagine the amount of work that you can get done if you have how efficient you could be. And that was what I needed to hear. And that's and just that's what motivated me was really just being like, oh, I want my knees not to hurt. I want to make more money and I want to wear nicer clothes. I mean, it's very true.

It is so hard to find nice clothes in bigger sizes. Yeah. And for women, it's all these big, big, big like flowers. There are. I didn't. I'm truly wearing a floral trapeze tent of a dress that I found on Etsy. I think it's a nightgown. But I'm wearing it out.

For fellas, it's all these shirts with big dogs on them or just also big flowers. You know, it's just a lot of fucking, like, become scenery. Yes, you look like drapes in a very gaudy old woman's house in Vegas. And I don't know why. It's either that or, like, the most boring shit. Yes. There's nothing ever truly, like, on trend. Yes.

And I don't know why. Yes, and instead of, like, being like, oh, why won't someone make something? I was just like, well, I can control what I can control. Not like I'm like, oh, I need to get down to a sample size or whatever. But I was just like, I like nice shit. I want to wear nice shit. I feel like I work hard enough to get nice shit. And you work hard.

You want to spend your money. Yes. You're like, I want a $300 cardigan. Yes. I just want it. Yes. So you have a son. How old is he?

16. Wow. I know. Dang. That's what I say. So he's a junior? He's going to be, yeah. Oh, my God.

That's so wild. I can't imagine having a teen specifically because i feel like i'm not an adult so i feel like if my teen was making wild choices i'd be like oh i don't know i would do the same thing and i would have no advice for this team um but uh not what's it like having a kid that's that old. Has it been hard trying to date, have a career and raise a kid? No. Yes! Of course not! Of course

it is! That's really, you know, that's what makes me be like I always say like my girl is beautiful, she's nice and sweet and like maybe i can find another girl who's beautiful maybe i can find another girl's nice maybe i can find another girl but i can't find a combo i've known that from looking around and i can't find someone who would be so open and accepting of my family and the way that i live it's hard it's hard to come into my

life because i'm working all the time. There's people who come into my house just who have the door, you know, code to my house who are just coming in, whether, you know, my assistant or whatever. There's not much privacy.

And I have a 16-year-old son who has autism who likes to walk around naked on occasion. So you got a lot of things. And my mom lives in my pool house. So you got to be a special type of lady. So in the beginning, it was just really like, it wasn't like I was just all over town.

But it was just, I would tell girls, I'm like, look, I got my son. I ain't 16. If you're not looking to be a mom, you should just know this is very casual when I'm seeing other people. And so that, And that was fine. That was enjoyable. But it also would get messy. And some people would either get too interested or I was getting too interested. And I just didn't like having that many people around my son as well.

I had a couple of great girlfriends who were really wonderful and really made me um look at myself and better myself which I always love in any relationship but for the most part it was always kind of like super casual and if they were trying to like most of the time my son didn't even like he didn't know their names I love it I love that he's just like I'm not interested in learning a name yeah he's so I mean the autism and the teenager he's so aloof like that's what I told my girlfriend now I was just like she because she she lives with me and and so she was like how's your son gonna be okay with this I don't is he gonna be fine with this she's like tell your son tell your mom and I told I had to actually have a real conversation with my mom because my mom's still very skittish.

Because, you know, I got married when I was 20 and I had my son and my ex-wife was not great. And I have sole custody of my son. So that takes a lot of work and that usually means things have happened. Yes. For a man to be awarded full custody of a kid, yeah, shit went down. Yeah. So she's very much apprehensive about me and having people that close.

But I talk to her, and she's friends, and it helps that she's a good cook, and my mom likes that. I just go to my son, and I was like, do you like her? And he's like, yeah. And I go, I like her. Do you mind if she lives here?

And he's like, uh go i like her do you mind if she lives here he's like uh that's so cute i don't know i don't care sure she's fine yeah they have a great relationship now she's bribed him with candy a lot he he goes to her for candy uh they have a great relationship i love that being married at 20 we don't have to talk about her, but being married at 20, do you think you got married? Well, not do you think. Did you get married because you had a kid, or did you get married before she was pregnant? No.

It was definitely the former. Yeah, I think it was because of my background, you know. My mom was a single mom. She had me and my sister, and my dad was off, you know, dealing with addictions and things like that. And it always affected me, you know. And then my mom got into, like, abusive relationships and things like that. And I always wanted, you know, always wanted a father figure that was around. And so when she got pregnant, I was like, I have a family.

And I'm going to take care of this family. And I'm not running away. And I'm not doing anything. I'm going to stay here. And I stayed. And we stayed married for seven years. And we should have never gotten married. You know? stayed and we stayed married for seven years and we should have never gotten married you know it's like it was never like the whole relationship found out was just mostly like never even really

truthful like i didn't know i didn't really know her you know like i thought i did but i didn't really know her i think i was just in the drama she had a lot of things going on in her family i wanted i was really into like being a savior at that point because I was like, I want to save my mom. I can't save my mom. Oh, this girl's got issues. I'll save this lady. And then I found out you can't save anybody. Nope.

Same things that was going on with my mom, trying to save some dude who you couldn't save. who you couldn't save you know and so it took a while but at some point I really realized that it's like I'm being a worse dad and a worse person staying in this relationship if I stop giving up myself just because I'm being a martyr just because I don't want to be like my dad like I can be a much better dad if I just say what I really want. I think a lot of people could stand to like hear that, that you don't have to stay in something bad and negative just because you think the outcome is going to be good. Get out of it. And then maybe you'll see what the actual outcome is.

Yeah. Oh yeah. I mean, I love it. I see it all the time. I love friends who I know so many friends who the relationship didn't work out, but they're great co-parents and things like that

I don't really have that but but I'm happy with what I have like you know what I what I got out of that was a whole lot of motivation

I left you know when I got divorced I had nothing I think I left what just my clothes I had a placard

from the first time that I did Conan which was like my prized my clothes I had a placard from the first time that I did Conan which was like my prized possession and I had some video games and I left with that and um and I was just sending money back and then I end up like money wasn't being used properly and and I eventually just got custody of my son but it was it was because i was like oh i need to i'm out here i didn't really i just had a manager i didn't have an agent or anything and i was just like but i need to get i need to get an apartment because my son might need to live with me i don't feel comfortable with him being there and so it like just really motivated me to keep moving up and moving up to

the point where i have my house and my pool, and that's all he's asked for. Ugh. That's nice. I like it. It's sweet. It's a very sweet story. It's a good story. We got to take a break.

Ooh, and we're back. And we're back. I always ask comedians this because I'm so curious to know about their journey. When you toured before you had a girlfriend, did you encounter chuckle fuckers? Yeah. And how did they hit on you? I don't get chuckle fuckers. I think women do not get them very often. Well, I think you get more and more just out and out of like just people DMing you dick

pics and things like that. People love to send a dick pic to me like it's going to do something. Yeah. That seems. Yeah. That's I think like it doesn't even matter what your profession is. A lot of guys are just like, I'll sleep with you. You know, it's just different. But not after a comedy

show. Not after you want it. Not after I want it and after I've made them laugh. I get a lot of men who are like, hey, I think you're funny and maybe you should just keep doing this. And I'm like, oh boy, maybe. Maybe I will.

Well, I never really had it after shows either because I think it's probably because I don't drink. And so I tend to not hang out after the shows. I'll shake hands and stuff. And then I'm out of there pretty much. But a lot of it was just, you know, it was Instagram. It was just DMing it. Like, people would, like, usually the way it would work was that I would post that I'm getting ready to come to some town.

And then some lady would post about how excited that she was to see me. And then you would be like, and they would DM you how excited you was. And you just send back a simple message of being, I would never be like, how excited? But you just, thank you. I can't wait to come. And then they would usually then let you know that they really want to see you it's like well i'm excited for you to come and you can come all over my nose yeah i just uh i've sent people messages when they've uh like i think i've told this story

before on the podcast but i was in i, I was going to Charlotte, North Carolina. This guy was like, if you want a boyfriend for the weekend, you know, I'm here. And I was like, great, let's do it. I will be free after my, my whatever show. And he was like, all right, I'll be there. And then he was there and then he didn't say hello to me. And then he didn't really follow up. And I was like, I told you that I would just do it.

Why? Why? Why did you message me in the beginning? Yeah, that's crazy. Follow through. At least follow through. I don't have good luck on the road trying to fuck. I just find that it was never that great.

It was pretty mediocre. I didn't really like it that much. I mean, one weekend I was like, I don't even like this anymore. I was just in Denver, and there were some gnarly people. I remember having lunch with this lady, and I could tell there was two ladies sitting next to us, and they were making fun of the fact that I was sitting through talking to this lady. That's funny. And I could tell, and I was just like, oh, they know exactly what's going on.

They were just suffering through this lunch for a little snack late at night. Oh, man. Yeah. Denver was interesting. Denver, I didn't even try to hook up with anybody. I got altitude sickness really bad in Denver. That happened. And I was sick for, like, the whole time I was there.

I, like, kept waking up with this, like, awful fucking headache. And then I was like, I feel dizzy at all times. It was bad. It was bad. You've got to stay hydrated out there. And that was the thing. I'm bad at drinking water. You gotta drink water.

I love coffee. And coffee's made with water. But it's not the same thing as just having water. A lot of things are made with water. Kool-Aid's made with water, but not necessarily the most healthy thing to be drinking. And I love Kool-Aid. My son loves Kool-Aid. Oh, really? We And I love Kool-Aid. My son loves Kool-Aid. Oh, really?

We get along great with your son? Yeah. Candy and Kool-Aid? That's my jam. I love it. Let's see. What else did I want to ask you? I should write down questions.

It's okay. But I genuinely just forgot. Free flow. Because I was on a flight today from Portland. I love Portland. You too. You were in Portland. That's where you got your start.

That's where I started my stand-em-ups. And how long were you in Portland before moving to L.A.? I was there about six, seven years. Oh, okay. Yeah, I mean, I lived in Salem outside of Portland. Okay. Is that where you're from, Salem? That's where I went to high school, yeah.

Where are you from originally? I was born in Gordina. Gordina? Which is south of Los Angeles. Oh. But I was raised in Chicago. Oh, okay. And then moved to Oregon as a teen. Where in Chicago? Southside.

That's where my family lives. Oh, cool. My sister lives in I guess I shouldn't say Where she lives She lives in Chicago One time I gave The straight out address Well she's at 227

West No I'm kidding Do you have any siblings? Yeah I have a sister She's two years older Or two years younger But several years older Emotionally She's two years younger, but several years older emotionally.

Ah. She's the professional one. She's more stern. She's conservative. And she's a doctor, and she delivers babies. And she just had a baby. Aw, that's cute. Did she deliver it herself?

That's an insane question. Probably not. She pulled it out of herself. Pulled it out. She was like, this is my baby. baby she lifted above her head and threw it out the window that would be insane um my sister's also uh she's a teacher and she has a a master's degree and she's you know really making my grandparents proud uh nobody really understands what i do yeah is, was there any type of competition?

Like, me and my sister were very close. There wasn't really much competition until we became older, and I had my son when I was 20, and then was just kind of floating around and doing stand-up, and then my sister graduated medical school, and then everybody turned on me. They're like, you see what she did? What are you doing?

Yeah, school came more easy to you you doing yeah school came more easy to you yeah school came more easy to my sister i think because she wanted it to be easy for her so she would just study and work hard and i was like school's hard i don't get it i hate this then i found later i'm 80 days so yeah i just always hated busy work i couldn't you couldn't you like you if you couldn't convince me that I was actually learning something, if you were just doing something for no reason just to fill time in the day, I had a big issue with that. I would love to see Little Ron be like, this is bullshit work, man.

Miss Smith, truly, where am I going to use this out in the world? I mean, all of it's busy work. Like, who needs a hypotenuse of a circle? Yeah, that's the thing that sucks now is my son's doing so much long division and all this other crap. Yeah, I don't use it. You just need to learn percentages so you can leave a tip at a restaurant, figure out how much of a discount's on this sweater that you want, and then teach me about mortgages and subprime loans.

Yes! And taxing and what you can and cannot write off. And if you actually donate to charity, does it really help you in your taxes in the long run? Teach me about that shit! Yeah. But we live in America, so we're going to defund public schools

and create charter schools and private schools. It's crazy. Schools are so crazy. Well, information is very valuable, so you try to make it scarce. Is your son in a charter school or public school? He's in public school. Do you live in a good school district? Yeah, we do. There you go.

Yeah, we're out in the valley. So we've got pretty good schools. He's doing really good at it. He's a big nerd, so I really like that. He wants to go to UCLA, so I'm trying to make sure that happens for him. Well, it's in-state, so he can go for very cheap. Exactly. I didn't realize how cheap staying in-state is until I looked it up, and I was like,

oh, I should have done that for my dad. But everybody wants to get away. Oh, I wanted to get as far away from New Jersey as possible. Oh, I understand. And I went to New York, which is not as far away as possible. I should have moved to L.A. if I really wanted to get away. But living in New York, did you ever live in New York? No, it's not for me.

I like visiting, but too much adventure, too aggressive, and no manners and i like manners i like people are like oh la so fake and i'm like yes thank you be nice to me that's where i'm at right now i'm like i don't care that you don't know who i know and that's why you're being nice but i like it yes like when people smile at me because they're like, do I know you? And it's like, you sure don't. But I like the smile. Yes. You're just thinking you might. You think I could be of value. So you're being nice.

In New York, you go into these stores, these bodegas or whatever, and they act like you're fucking robbing their house. Like you just interrupted. Like you're walking into their house while they're watching TV is how they treat you. They really do. And it's like you're holding a $20 bill. You're trying to pay for something. And they're like, you'll wait. I need to finish my conversation.

You're like, I want to leave. I need to finish watching this show on my phone. But sometimes I really miss New York. I lived there for eight years. And it was like a real love-hate relationship with New York. I loved it. But then, like, things would happen. Like, our apartment was caving in on itself.

I had my ceiling fall into my kitchen. The world was like, get out. Yeah. And I was like, no, I'm going to stay and maybe inhale some mold from this disgusting ceiling. But now I'm out here. It's sunny. It's beautiful. It's beautiful. It's nice.

I like it. Yeah. Some people, I guess it's a different vibe. You have a very L.A. vibe. Thank you. And there's some people I know who just hate it out here, you know, but I get it. But if you don't want to be here, don't be here because it will crush your soul. It will.

And L.A. is a lonely place and you have to remember to like reach out to people because like i always forget i'm like oh yeah people are probably feeling the same way i'm feeling and like when i get together with a friend they're like i haven't seen you in so long and i've been thinking about you and it's like well why didn't you reach out it's like because i didn't think of it yeah you live 40 minutes away from me oh yeah if you live on the west side i'll never see you again it It's too far. Before you were in a relationship, when you were dating, what is the one thing a girl could do that was like,

ooh, I love that? What do you mean, sexually? Sexually, like on a date talking, just like a gesture, a gift. I'm just trying to soak up as much information and scramble it around in my brain and do it to somebody. Okay. I mean, I guess on a date, I just always liked it when people were, I guess I'll give you specifics for women. I like it when they let me be a man. Oh.

You know, when they let me pay. When they expect it to be treated nicely. That's I found was, that was the thing that was the biggest issue for me when I was dating. Was that I got married so early. And so I missed dating in my 20s. I didn't really date in my 20s. My first girlfriend was my wife. And so I miss all of that. And so then I started dating in my 20s. I didn't really date in my 20s. My first girlfriend was my wife. And so I miss all of that.

And so then I started dating in my 30s. And I was very much like, oh, I just was very traditional. And I was like, I pay and you take it out and I open your door and I do these things. And then just kind of the reaction I would get from some women would either be very suspicious or very much like, what? Normally you just take me to a bar and you fuck me. And then I, and for a while I was just like, oh, I'm so great. But then I was like, oh, but then it came thing of like, oh no, this is how you, you think you should be treated. And when I'm taking you outside of that it gets a

little weird now you're just because i'm being a gentleman you're like you're acting like i'm gonna be your husband but and it was just like this is just how you should be treated and if you don't believe that then i probably shouldn't be doing this for you. Interesting. I like that. So I should never act surprised when a man offers to pay. Because I'm always like, well, just you have these. So I should just, if he offers, let him pay? If he offers, let him pay. And if he's like the type of guy that then is like, you owe me something, then you've learned about that guy.

You know? But to me, to assume that is crazy. about that guy you know but to me to assume that is crazy and and i understand well maybe someone doesn't have the finances that they can do that but you probably know that advance in advance but if that person is trying to pay to me that was always just that was me being like i want to show you that i want to treat you like a woman like you know as i guess i mean you can take that how you want that's how i wanted to treat you i want to treat you like you're special to me oh okay that's good advice to stop fighting with men over who pays yeah i think it is uh okay what what do you like sexually sexually okay

i mean you know I love just butts. Love a great butt. Who doesn't love a great butt? So girlfriend now has a great butt. Wonderful. All about that. I like when people suck on my neck. I'm really into that.

They don't phone for me. I like that. Mostly I love enthusiasm. I'm real into enthusiasm, activity. I don't like to, like, if you want, if you are the type of person you want to be taken and stuff, like, you do, I like to have that set up. Like, let me know. I can do that. There's no problem.

But just let me know and then we can do that. But if I don't like it, like, there just seem to be some attitudes where a lady would then just, like, lay back. And I'm just like, no, no, no, no, no. You got to do a little bit of the work. Yeah, you got to get in there. You got to be involved. This can't be this thing of, like, oh, you wanted it, so I gave it to you. You have to be like, I'm hot.

I'm sexy. I'm a strong man, and you want me. That's what I like in there. And then just, you know, lick my nuts, let me put it in your butt, you know? Lick my nuts and let me put it in your butt. I think that's the name of your autobiography. Lick my nuts and let me put it, your butt is really funny. Oh boy, that really was a treat to hear.

So you have like such a whimsical voice that like it was just. Oh, I really love that. Oh boy. Did you When you got married when you were 20 Did you propose to her or did she propose to you? I proposed to her Where did you propose?

I think just walking down the street With her and my son But it wasn't a big deal I think we got the ring at Walmart It was all white trash It was a whole bad situation I mean everything was just like, you shouldn't do this. You're young.

You guys are poor. You're the first girl you've ever dated. These are all red flags. She doesn't work. Yeah. Yeah. Those are all very, very large red flags. But sometimes we're colorblind and we say, I just see a flag and that's patriotic.

I don't care. I just salute it. Yeah. I just had a I went on a date where he was like really sweet, but I just he wasn't funny. Yeah. But I just, he wasn't funny. Yeah, that's rough. And that, to me, is, like, I don't need you to be the funniest person in the world. But, like, if we talk for an hour and a half, two hours, and you don't make me laugh once, oh, it makes me so mad. Yeah.

And then when I make you laugh and you go, whoa, you're really funny. And I'm like, ah, this, I don't think this is ever going to work out. Yeah. And then when I make you laugh and you go, whoa, you're really funny. And I'm like, ah, this, I don't think this is ever going to work out. Yeah. That was the thing that I always wondered about and things I used to settle for because I always felt that I, I always wanted someone I could do bits with. Someone, you know, not that we had to work together, do stuff like that. But like someone that if I went into some type of character a bit, they were like, okay, I'm here with you. That's what I needed.

And then sometimes I just, I was like, that's a lot to ask for. And I have my male friends and they can do that. And, you know, I was dating a girl previous, the last girl that I actually was kind of serious with. And I was like, oh, everything else is here. Everything else is here. She's beautiful. She's fun. fun she's sweet she treats me nice um but I was like oh we don't have but we don't have those bits we don't we can't and I thought that maybe that was just her and us

together and that's just who we were but then we went on a trip with her and her friends and I saw her having fun with her friends like that and having bits with her friends like that and I was like oh like you can do that it's just that we don't do that interesting we're not meant to be together yeah that's really interesting to like to be like

we don't really know how to like play off each other and have fun and like giggle but you can tee hee hee with your friends that must have been a mind fuck i i think that would really put me in a spot and be like oh i don't i don't understand this at all yeah yeah that's pretty much what it was i just thought like okay we we just have a different vibe we're just more serious together and we just talk about things and support each other but then i was like oh no you're funny just not with me yeah

and i was just like oh and i just think it was a thing of uh we both like i came out of my marriage and she had been in a bad relationship and i think it was just us both being like oh we're two actually good nice people and even though we both kind of sense that we're not the ones for each other, I don't want to let this go because I know what a bad one is like, you know? And now we're like, you know, she,

we're still friends and like, she's, yeah, she's probably like the only girl that I dated that like, yeah, we're actually like real, real friends. Yeah.

So you met your girlfriend on Bumble. Uh, how long how long were you on the apps before settling down oh a couple years yeah definitely a couple years oh good time for me oh yeah i don't believe that i don't believe that you'll be surprised Some of them were negative, but there was time periods where I would just build up three or four ladies that I would see weekly. So that was wild times. My God. I read that somewhere that dudes will have anywhere from four to six girls that they see on a regular basis. And I was like, that's so many. It is.

That's why I figured it out. I was like, three seemed to be the sweet spot where I could have some time to chill and hang out with my son and stuff. But then a couple randoms would show up and you're up to five, six. And you're like, there's only seven days. Uh-huh.

And I'm tired. But I wouldn't trade it it it was a good time what's the worst date you've had from uh from the online world i'd say the worst day that i had was we went to dinner um and every time she'd see a phone she'd go to go like read whatever like she was crazy she would go to you know if you see somebody would glance at things if you see a phone light up of course normal she would go to

read their text and like just get into it just get real that's insane that's so wild and I for some reason I think it's because she was a redhead, and I liked redheads at that time, that I was just like, well, whatever. And so I was like, I'm going to this concert after.

You want to go to this concert? And she said, did the same shit at the concert. Because people have phones at concerts. She just would try to just look through people's phones, and then I still tried to get another date, and she turned me down. I was just like I made him why would why did I I don't even like you I think you're nuts I think the worst is when you don't like someone but you're like I'm gonna stay in it because like why not and then they're

like actually you're not for me and you're like well you weren't for me you were never for me yeah i don't like you at all yeah i mean when it sucks when it was true i just wasn't being nice i went on a couple dates with a dude who burped in my mouth oh like on the first date and i was like well i mean why not he's here and then he was like actually you're not for And I was like, I didn't burp in your mouth. I should be for you. I should be for you. Cause I endured that and came back from our, yes, I was so insulted.

I thought that was the test. Ultimately it was fine because he wasn't for me. And it was, it was good that somebody said it early before anyone's real feelings were invested in something that wasn't going to work out. That's the best thing about having my son is that he really made sure I don't waste too much time. And there have been some times where it's been painful.

But that's like the best thing that I've heard said about me in the last year was my mom just being like she's I think it was on Mother's Day and she was just like you're a she's like I gotta tell you like you're a good man she's like I like how you treat your friends and more importantly I like how you treat your women and I like you treat she's like I see what you do and because sometimes it'd be hard like I get close to these women and we could think but I I would be like, you're not the one. I got to let you know. And some of them would take it okay, like the ones we were still friends with.

And some of them would not take it okay. But my mom always was a good person to talk to because she was like, she's like, baby, there are a million things worse. And every man I've been with with i wish they had just told me that they didn't want to be with me i wasted so many times i wasted years on people who couldn't just tell me they didn't want to be with me yeah and i think it's a really hard thing to hear but ultimately it's for the best and i'm bad i. I, if I like fall for some, I don't fall for people often because I don't really, I don't like people. I have a very dark sense of humor. I'm very silly.

And if you're not silly and if you think my dark, like I'll make dead parent jokes. And if you don't laugh at those, I can't be around you because that's how i deal with pain sometimes uh but like when i finally fall for someone and then they're like you're not for me i take it in a way where i'm like but if i try hard enough and if i keep contacting you you'll change your mind because i'm just not gonna go anywhere but the older i get the more i'm like uh my friend's mom said men will tell you the truth and you have to just accept it and i was like okay so now i've been trying to like if someone goes you're not for me toodaloo goodbye i have to go all right let me take you out of my phone let me like block you on instagram let me just not look at you yeah and it's hard it's super

hard but like ultimately it's for the best. You don't want to be chasing someone who doesn't want to be with you. Absolutely. And I did that for a very long time. Yeah, I think that's where a lot of humans are built, and especially comedians. We're taught to chase. We don't care about 90% of the audience that's laughing.

We care about that one face. The one person with their arms crossed in the front. You're like, I will crack you. I will you you will like me which is crazy and it's the same thing with like uh comments online there could be a million comments where they're like i love you you're great and then there's this one comment where you're just like what did i do to you i have to get to the bottom of this and figure out I got to win you over. And I don't know why I do that. Yeah. Well, I think it comes from, I mean, I don't know why you did it. For me, it came just from, I think, a lot of times I always felt like a burden when I was younger.

I felt I didn't have that type of confidence. And I'm just a real people pleaser. So I want everybody to like me. You know? And that kind of served me when I was younger. But now it serves me more. I love the people who do love me. You love me.

Great. If you don't, it's cool. I'm not for everybody. I'm I'm happy with who I am and the comedy that I'm building. I'm not going to pander. I'm not going to change what I'm about because I like the direction that I like the people that it's bringing into my life. I like what you said about, I think it's not just men. I think people.

People tell you who they are. Yeah. And a lot of times we then go like, no, let me tell you what I see in you. Let me tell you, you don't see what I see. And if you only saw what I saw, then you would know. Then you would know and you would be acting better and we would be great friends or whatever yeah I had a friend who was just so mean to me all the time she like slept with a dude that I liked like she would just like put me down sometimes and then I started

being kind of toxic to her and I was like we don't need to this doesn't have to be just because we have a lot of history doesn't mean we have to continue a toxic friendship so we kind of like went our separate ways and sometimes i miss her sometimes i wonder what's going on but then i just remember i'm like it was negative and i don't need that in my life and my therapist has been very instrumental in saying if experiences are negative it doesn't matter how much of a history or how long you've been doing it, you can stop it. Absolutely.

You know? And it's like, you know, break the cycle. Yeah, just putting yourself first. Yeah. Yeah, and it's very important. And people tell you who you are. And that became a big part of my dating. And some issues that I had with my girlfriend

when we first started dating because she would put herself down on occasion. Joking manners. She'd be joking, but I would tell her, I'd go like, look, I listened to that. So if you tell me, if someone tells me they're trash, I don't argue anymore. Yeah, you're trash.

You're trash. You tell me you're trash, you're trash, and I don't hang out with trash. See ya. I'm not gonna try to convince you you're not trash. I'm not gonna waste my time doing that. I hang out with people who know they're good things or know that they're at least works in progress, you know? If you are what you tell me you are. It used to be a thing of like, no, you know, like I say, I'm me trying to tell them what they are, but you tell me who you are, so if you tell me that, I'm gonna believe you, so you can't tell me trying to tell them what they are but you tell me who you are so if you tell me that i'm gonna believe you so you can't tell me that because not only that you're telling me that me liking you makes me stupid yeah it means i like trash yeah and it's

like i don't like trashy people i like great good people yes i dated someone who uh i would say how was your he would be like how was your day i would tell him then i'd be like well how was yours he's like not as interesting as yours pretty boring and i'm like okay but like i like you so anything that you're doing is not boring to me you could say i slept all day and i'd be like well you feel unwell rested what you dream about what's that dream yeah did you fall out of the bed when you woke up like i don't i it was just anything you would say to me would be interesting because I'm interested in you. And I feel like a lot of dudes and women that I've dated who aren't comedians tend to feel like their life is less interesting than mine. And I'm like, it's not less interesting. It's just different.

Yeah. And that's been like an uphill battle dealing dealing with that because i don't want to constantly tell someone no you are interesting to me because i like you and then like when you say it over and over and over again you're like well do i actually like you and are you actually maybe you're not interested maybe you're fucking boring as fuck maybe you're a fucking rock you're right crazy i should be dating a superstar let me go uh let me go dig up Patrick Swayze and date him. I love Patrick Swayze. All right,

Ron, I ask all of my guests this. If you weren't in a committed relationship, would you date me? Yeah, I would, but not, not like not in a committed way because you're a comedian.

Yeah. And I'm, and I'm a comedian and we know how that goes. Yeah, it's bad. It's a bad idea. It's very bad. But if it was just a thing of like, hey, I think you're cute and you're fun and you just want to hang out. Yeah, why not?

It'd be fun. Yeah. Ron, do you have anything you want to promote? I mean, I'm just on tour all over the place. Come see me. RonFunges.com for all my tour dates. I have my podcast that you're going to come be a guest on called Getting Better

where we just talk about getting better at our craft, getting better at life. I just talk to a lot of people who I look up to and just ask them about their process. So check that out.

That's probably the thing I'm most excited about. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I love it. Thank you so much for being on the podcast, Ron. It's a pleasure. If you like this episode of Why Won't You Date Me,

if you send me a nasty little message hitting on me, I will read it out loud. This man said, I am a huge white guy, and I have a huge sex drive, and I have been told I am pretty funny. And that's all he said. And I don't know if he's trying to hit on me or not. I'm just giving you facts.

I'm so sorry. He did send something else. He said, I might add that I look like a lumberjack and have a rather large penis, but that's spelt wrong. There's a E at the end. And I, a penis-ay? And I very well, and I very well versed in the art of eating pussy

and I have jungle fever. So I want to eat your pussy like it's my last meal. So this man. You listen to this. You don't got to say jungle fever. You don't got to put a name on liking a black woman. You can just say you like me because I'm a person that you like. I'll read one more this person said

nicole i love your podcast it's the best thing ever thank you and then they said i would like to make you put on a train conductor's hat and a strap on so you could peg me while you scream all aboard that's how you write a letter that's funny I like this one okay thank you bye bye this has been a Team Coco production.