Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Married, but Living Apart (w/ Judy Gold)

Episode Date: May 6, 2022

The hilarious Judy Gold joins Nicole to chat about the challenges of dating a therapist, her experience being selected as one of Time Out New York's Most Eligible Singles, the ethics of writing jokes about your partner, and the benefits of being married but living apart.   Black Lives Matter. Click here for an updated list of over 100 different things you can do to support racial justice.   Follow Nicole Byer: Tour Dates: linktr.ee/nicolebyerwastakenTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerNew Merch!! podswag.com/datemeNicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Ooh, baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me, a podcast where me, Nicole Meyer, tries to figure out how I'm still single, even though you could come in my hot chocolate and tell me it's loose marshmallows. My guest today.

I fucking love that. There you go. Oh, I get a ding. Yeah, you get a ding. Yeah, you get a ding. Well, that ding was dung by my guest today, who is a two-time Emmy Award winning writer and hilarious stand-up comedian. She is the author of the free speech book, Yes, I Can Say That,

when they come for the comedians, we're all in trouble. You can see her perform at Netflix's A Joke Festival in Los Angeles, California on May 6th and 7th. Ooh, baby, I'm talking about the very funny Judy Gold. Whoa! Judy, how are you?

How are you? Nicole, I'm having a shitty day. I'm having a shitty day. What happened? I'm going to just tell you. So, you know, I'm coming out there for this Netflix festival, which is my first performance is tonight, May 6th. Okay.

At the Elysian Theater. Elysian. Elysian. And then tomorrow night I'm taping the special, the standout special for the lessees and the gays and the bi's and the boys and the trans and the bay and the and uh so that's tomorrow night at the greek and i'm just stressed out and i and i you ever have those days where you're just like oh my god i can't do one more thing today. You know what I mean? And then, then you go through, you know,

a month of, Oh my God, I have nothing to do. It's like the work, like, and it, it's so, it's either feast or famine.

And I've been doing this since I'm 19 years old. Like I get it. I know that it, like it goes, you know, you're in a bad place. It's good. You're going to come out of the bad place.

You're not busy. You're going to be busy or, you know, I're in a bad place. You're going to come out of the bad place. You're not busy. You're going to be busy. You know, I always come through, but I still have that anxiety. And so that's, yeah. That's what you're going through. Are you from New York? Well, I grew up in New Jersey. Ah, that was going to be my second question. Because when you said, I've been doing this since I'm 19. Or no, how did you phrase it? 19, yeah, I think so. Since I'm 19, since I'm, I don't know. You phrased it in a way that I was like, she's East Coast.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because my friend Nick, he says that all the time. And we're from Jersey. And I was like, maybe she's from New York, maybe she's from Jersey. I am from beautiful New Jersey, Central Jersey, if you will. Yes. Middletown in Monmouth County. Yes, I know Middletown.

I was born in Newark. We lived in Elizabeth. And I am ashamed to say that when I was five and a half, my parents moved to Clark, New Jersey, the most racist town in New Jersey. And it was, yeah, we had like swastikas on our house. They were crazy. Yes. That's fucked up. Really fucked up.

And they had like a KKK. It was like, and it was so low rent KKK, you know, like they're burning these like stupid crosses in the schoolyard and everything. And it's like, and there was, yeah, it was really, I don't know. And then I went to Rutgers and, and I started doing standup as a college student when I was a sophomore. And then I moved to New York immediately and I've been in New York since 1984. But yeah, 1984, your apartment's probably so cheap.

Well, I've been in this apartment since 1989. Yes, 1989. I brought up two kids in this fucking apartment that I thought I'd be out of. I thought I'd be out of this apartment by now. No, keep it. You have to keep it. You probably pay for it in Skittles. Yeah. So, but you're in're in LA right I do I live in LA and I am learning lots about animals like

coyotes and shit yeah yeah yesterday a possum was in my backyard and I was like oh a possum but then we googled it and possums are good for the ecosystem. And then yesterday I was leaving and the possum passed away. What happened? I don't know who got to him, but he looked like he got scared before. I don't want to misjudge. I don't, they got,

you know, scared. Yeah. Don't misjudge the possum. Please. Well, I don't know. I don't know their life.

I don't know. I don't know who they fucked and how and who they loved, but he, or they, the possum, the possum had his, or had their hands kind of looking like they were, they were out.

I think that's, that's how they, that would, the rigor mortis sets it. Maybe. But then I had somebody come pick the possum up. There was no possum. I Googled possums will play dead for up to four hours.

No fucking way. They sure fucking do. And I thought about it. I was like, yeah, it wasn't bloated or anything. There was no blood. Why was it playing dead, you think? I think the possum heard me coming to get to my car and said, that big bitch might try to eat me.

I don't know. I don't know what kind of predator this big bitch is. That is fucking. I want to play dead for four hours. I want to see how great would it be to play dead for four hours and see who your real friends are. Yeah. Who's going to help you?

Which comic is going to call and say, was Judy booked anywhere? Did they need a replacement? Okay. Yeah. That's so funny. If you stop showing up to places and your friends are just like, hey, yo, can I have that spot?

Since the spot's open, can I slide right into there? I wouldn't put it past some of them. But, you know, there's a thing about possums. Like, they're about possums like they're opossums right that's the full name opossum oh i think i don't know but their tails freak me the fuck out because they look like rats yeah yes and i hate rats like i fucking hate rat like even you know like when people are protesting and they have that big rat, blown up rat? That even freaks me out.

The teeth. Yes, I don't know. I hate it. And I live in New York. They're on the subway tracks all the time eating pizza and talking to each other. And I'm like, ew, get the fuck away from me. It's awful.

I just think about Gus from Cinderella. He was so cute. He had a little belly. his little shirt didn't fit. He got his shoes on. I think all rats are Gus. And I'm like, oh, they're just waiting to make someone a dress. And that's how I choose to go through life. Okay, well, I hate mice.

I hate, I'm just, yeah, I'm a little wussy. It's fair. I mean, in New York, there's a lot of rats. There's a lot of mice. There's a mouse who lived in my oven for about a year. Yeah. We would just be sitting watching TV and you hear, and you'd be like, oh my God, the mouse is doing something.

Did you ever want to put the oven on? Well, he would leave. There was a hole somewhere where he would come in and out. So it would get hot and he's like, ow. It would get a little too toasty. He'd be like, I don't like this sauna. Oh, that's like, ow. And we'd get a little too toasty. He'd be like, I don't like this sauna. Oh, that's interesting. Yeah.

And then he figured out we were friendly and would come out and watch TV with us. No way. I would be watching TV. I would look down. The little mouse would just be like, oh, and scurry away kind of slowly. And then we. What color? He was gray.

And he didn't like cheese. He didn't like cheese he didn't like he didn't like peanut butter he didn't like anything we put in the traps because we weren't gonna do the glue traps those are like awful no no you can't oh they're so awful right but we we finally got something he liked which was blueberries what this rat would this mouse this mouse so you had a vegan mouse? Yep. Okay. Wait, and you got those humane traps? We tried the humane traps. And then my other roommate, he finally got a glue trap and we caught him by the leg. So he picked him up.

He put him in a bag and then he cut around his foot. So then that rat went out into the world with a little piece of glue trap on his foot. Oh, that's cute foot with one shoe on. Yeah. The other mice were like, holy shit, where did you get that from? Filings. Where are you shopping, Mickey? Judy, can I ask you a question? Yes, please. OK, what is it like to be in a relationship with a therapist? okay what is it like to be in a relationship with a therapist okay so fucking annoying first of all so here's the deal like in the beginning everyone well everyone still says people who don't know us

are like oh therapist comedian oh my god what a good combination and it's like, you know, there's no one more self-aware than a comedian, right? And we notice everything about other people and ourselves. And, you know, I already know why I hate myself. I don't need her validating it all the time. So the one thing I can say is really annoying is that nothing, you know, like you're talking to someone and you just want to say something and want them to go, oh yeah, or, or wow, or wow. There's never one word. It's all a litany of fucking questions. And I'm like, oh my God, that's, I'm just trying to tell you something. Like, I'm just trying to tell you something. Like we don't have to delve into it.

We don't have to analyze it. I just want to say this happened. End of fucking story. So that's, that's the, and it's just like question after question. And like, she's so not in show business. So like I've taught her, you know, like when you, you go, uh, when you're, when you book something, right. And then you get your, you're like, Oh, we're booking you for these days, like a TV thing or a film thing. And then, you know, a week later they're like, Oh, someone got COVID. We can't do

it. But you know how your schedule changes on a daily basis? Like because of other people and you can never, like if you ever don't have any work and you want to get work, plan a vacation, okay? So she's still like, I'll say, oh, I'm booked for this day. Oh, what time are you going to get out? I don't know. How long can they keep you there? Forever.

Forever. You know? Forever and ever and ever and they don't have to give me back this is my favorite how can they do that how can they just change your dates i'm like oh my god please i mean that is a very funny thing that people in this industry do not understand that it's like like i was telling my schedule to somebody and they were like, Oh, you have this today, don't you? And I was like,

no, that got canceled. Right. And he was like, well, why didn't you tell me? And I was like, Oh,

because my, I, things get put and taken out of my calendar and I go to them when I see them. Right. And if they're not there, I go, Ooh,

I have free time. That's just how life is for me. Right. And don't you always, like, I also do this. Like, if I get on hold for something or something, I don't say anything. I don't say anything. I've learned not to say anything until it's a definite, which it never really is. Until, like, the day before.

And they're like, you're getting on a plane. You're flying to Mexico. You're shooting for eight weeks. Right. Like, okay. Yeah. until like the day before and they're like you're getting on a plane you're flying to mexico you're shooting for eight weeks right okay yeah and so okay i would love for that to happen that i'm going to mexico for it but you know speaking it into existence for both of us i would like it too together let's shoot together two new jersey girls in mexico for eight weeks so yeah so that's that whole thing like i've said don't ask me this don't ever ask me if i'm headlining that's the other thing i've been doing this like almost 40 years i am the headliner okay

but yeah so it's like when it happens over and over again, but plus no, nothing is benign. Like everything has a hidden meaning or will maybe, you know, it's like, I don't want to analyze that. I'm just, you know what I mean? She'll go into another direction. And I'm like, no. So at this point, I just go now. And she's like, oh, okay. How long have you been together? 15 years. Okay. That's a solid amount of time. Right. And the best thing about her, she loves to laugh. She loves to laugh. You have to be with someone you laugh with. That is the most important thing.

If you can't laugh with that person, I don't know. No. I agree. I think understanding someone's humor is you know very important I think like laughing during sex is a nice fun thing like oh my god always yeah like laughing at mundane shit like I don't know you drop an egg on the floor no one like goes to pieces you laugh about it or whatever well I'm not like that but oh you don't want to laugh at eggs falling on the floor and making a mess? I'm one of these people that if there's a real life crisis, I'm very functional.

But if I can't find my keys, it's like the world has come to an end. God hates me. My life is over. I'm a Vicky victim. Yeah. Mm-hmm. I truly relate to that. I once left. I mean, this is over. I'm a Vicky victim. Yeah. I truly relate to that. I once left, I mean, this is wild.

I left my phone on the roof of my car and was driving for a very long time. And I had a giant blue case on it and it like bounced off the car, went down the road. I was with my friend and she was like, what was that? I said, my phone.

She goes, oh my God, Nicole. And I was like, I guess I don't have a phone anymore. And she was like, what was that? I said, my phone. She goes, oh my God, Nicole. And I was like, I guess I don't have a phone anymore. And she was like, what? Stop the car. We're going to go get you your fucking phone. Are you kidding? You have a phone. Just go back and get it.

So that's what we did. And then. How far had you gone? Literally not even a full minute. I was so close to this phone and I gave up. I give up so easily. I go, that's too hard. Can't possibly do it. Wait, so you didn't go back? No, we did. So we pulled over

and then I was like, I don't know. And so she was like, it's somewhere. And then she found the case and she was like, that means the phone is somewhere. And then we saw two people scurrying away very quickly and she was like, they have your phone. And I was like, oh, well, I don't want to bother them. And was like are you fucking kidding me so she like so nice of them to take it out of the case for you yeah yeah they're just unwrapping it for me letting me know

that the phone is a phone yeah so she went and got it for me but if I was not with Sashir I would have just not had a phone well what did she say She was like, give back the phone to my friend. And they were like, oh, we don't know if we have a phone. And she was like, look in your bags. And they looked in the bags. Is that just, goddammit, Shira Zameda? Yes, she's my best good friend. I love her.

Will you send her my love, even though I have a speech impediment at this point no no her name is pretty hard to say i didn't say it so shears the major so shears the meta yeah uh when i first met her i didn't say her name out loud because i wrote it down on my phone incorrectly and i would look at my phone and be like that is not what she said i don't think that's what she said so I just like waited for her to introduce herself to people and then I would repeat it over and over and over again and then I saw her write it down and I was like ah that makes more sense you have you have to I have to see things spelled out yeah

I'm like a I used to think I was a very visual learner but I'm an audio visual repetition learner same same you got to tell me shit 1,000 fucking times for me to hear it, understand it. And I have to write it down. Yes. I write everything down. Yeah. I used to have a planner where I wrote everything down, but then I wouldn't look at it. So now I'm like, I guess it just goes in my phone.

I'm always on my fucking phone. I really am sick of the phone. I think it causes so much anxiety. It's bad. It's not good. Wait, Judy, can I ask you a question? Yes, of course. Do you write jokes about your partner?

All the time. And do you run them past her? Excellent question. Thank you. I came up with it off the dome. I have a multitude of jokes about my partner. And I do say that is going in the act or she'll say, don't put that in the act. And or I'll just do it and it'll get a laugh and then I'll tell her.

And this is the funniest part. So the stuff about her is really funny. Like I think it's some of my funniest stuff. And because just being, you know, old lessees in a relationship and, and just, she's funny, you know? And so whenever,

I'm not kidding. Whenever we have a fight and I have to go to work, which I get in fights with her a lot before work because I'm really stressed out and I don't want any, and like people are always like, oh, you only work for like an hour a day. And it's like, no, it's all day long, 24 hours a day. And then the anxiety and focus and prep in your head before,

it's like, get away from me. Don't talk to me. Don't ask me a question, right? I agree. in your head before it's like, get away from me. Don't talk to me. Don't ask me a question.

Right. You agree. So whenever we get in a fight before I have to work, she says, you're not allowed to talk about, do not do any jokes about me tonight in my act and your act and my act and your act. And I'm like, too fucking bad too.

But that's her thing. You're not, I don't, I don't want you doing any jokes about me tonight. And I'm like, too bad. It's funny. And does she go to the shows? And she laughs.

She loves it. She'll go to some shows. But you know how, like, people are like, oh, do you go to all of Judy's shows? She's like, no. Like, it's so funny. Yeah, that would literally be insane. Right? They also, people also say to her all the time, oh, my God, you must laugh all the time.

And every time someone says that, we start cracking up. Oh, my God. And she's like, oh, my God, I can't. I know. It's just so much laughter all the time. I mean, you know how we are. Yeah. We're so in our heads all the time.

Yeah, I feel like every time I go out with someone for the first, second, third time until they really get to know me, they're like, because sometimes I'll be on. I'll be on on the first date. And then the second date, I'll be like, okay, I'm more comfortable with you. I don't feel like I need to perform or make as many jokes or whatever.

And then I feel like they get tired. They're like, oh, this isn't as fun as I thought this was gonna be oh I'm not your fucking court jester asshole that's kind of how I feel and yeah yeah that's it's and then I mean people know me a little bit now so then I feel like there's this like weird expectation when I go on dates um where they're really excited to tell me that their sister loves me or their cousin loves me. But I get grandmother. I get my grandmother loves you.

I want to fucking kill myself or my mother's a big fan of yours. I'm like, shut the fuck up. But, you know, I had someone once say to me, you know, I was at a party with Judy Gold and she wasn't like really funny. And I was like, I was fucking at a party talking to someone. You know what I mean? Yeah. And they go and tell a mutual friend, oh, I was at a party.

Like, shut the fuck up. It's like they're snitching on you. Right, right. How fucking wild. That's truly wild to be like, I'm looking at Judy. She's not making that person laugh. I'm going to go tell a mutual friend

and see what they have to say don't you feel like because comics are so like the art form is so personal right and people really believe like you give people the opportunity to see the world

through your eyes right when you're on stage and then afterwards they think you're their best fucking friend. Yeah, it is a weird... I've been talking about this a lot lately. Like, the lines get really blurred, especially with me, because I do talk about, like, I'm horny and she wants to fuck all she wants is a dick right in her mouth.

And then people are like, hey, do you want to do a threesome with me and my weird looking husband? And I'm like, never in my life. No, thank you, bye. And I don't know how to explain it. It's like, yes, I would love to be in a relationship. That's a point in my life.

I'm not kidding about that aspect. The aspect I'm kidding about is the level of desperation and the level of things i'm willing to go through to get it right no i want that part to be a normal part of my fucking life right they don't realize you know one of the chapters in my book is the title is there's a reason it's called an act. You know? It's like we're not, we're a, this is not the version of us that we go through life as. You know what I mean?

And yeah, it's so interesting. And people glom on and they want to tell you all their fucking problems. And I remember when I was a little girl and I love Barbra Streisand, you know, because I'm a Jewish girl their fucking problems. And, and I remember when I was a little girl and I love Barbra Streisand, you know, cause I'm a Jewish girl from New Jersey. So, and I remember

reading something when I was like a teenager that she does not like, like after her shows, she disappears and you know, she can't, she doesn't want to talk to the audience. And I was like, Oh my God, that's terrible. I, when I'm famous, I't want to talk to the audience. And I was like, oh my God, that's terrible. When I'm famous, I'm going to talk to every single person. I don't care how long. And then you realize there's so many fucking psychos out there. Yeah, there's a lot of unhinged people and- No boundaries.

Yeah, lack of boundaries. They want to touch you a lot. I mean, I don't love COVID. I think it's been bad. I mean, hot take bad. But I do like that I can say, please don't touch me. And people instantly understand. Whereas before, I would say, please don't touch me.

And people would get really offended. And I'm like, I love that people are learning a little bit about personal space. Nicole, as you know, everything is about them. You know what I mean? Yes. Yeah. Everything's about you. Even when you tell a joke, whatever way they take the joke is the only way.

Yes. And you should know that. Not the way we intended the joke to be. The way they perceived the joke to be. That is the only truth there is. Which is really interesting because when I watch comedy, not all comedians are funny to me not all jokes are for me but like i don't get mad about it and like i tweet about it but then there is a line i do think there is a line that sometimes people but then again i'm like that the crossing of the line might be for someone and everyone's line is

different right and also i feel like, you know, there are comedians that don't make me laugh. There's a lot of comedians, but I know where the joke is. You know what I mean? I'm like, oh, that's the joke. I don't find it that funny. The audience finds it funny, whatever. And I move on with my life. But, you know, yeah, there is a line and everyone's line is different depending on their life experiences and who they are. But, you know, George Carlin famously said, you know, it's the comedian's job to find the line, cross it and make you glad they did. And that's what a good comedian does. But you know what? This idea that, you know, we don't know where the line is until

we get on stage and figure it out for our bits. You know what I mean? And then that's the give and take with stand-up is this audience giving us the information. And then you get mad at us? It's like for doing our work? Yeah. I mean, but I do understand getting mad at some things. Oh, yeah.

It's a very, like, it's a very it's a very like it's a very i think it's more nuanced than people understand that is a that is true like nuanced context and intent yeah and there's a lot of broad strokes and like swinging statements where i'm like well no right right and i'm like the like know, a comic saying something that was like a little over the line that people got offended about is different than Joe Rogan having a one minute super cut of him saying the N word where his apology was like,

I watched that and even I thought it was bad. I was like, sir, you said it. Right. That's like, that's different than somebody saying something a little off color which is different than like maybe misgendering someone on purpose in a joke that is different and i think we were all grouping things that offend us all together as opposed to being like some are worse than others i agree i'm just you know sometimes you can just be like hey man don't do that joke again and then sometimes you can make a big deal and be like, yeah, maybe de-platform this person

who keeps saying awful things and misinformation and whatnot. I don't know. That's the thing, like with my book and I, and I was writing the book and it made me so crazy that, you know, most every comedian really gets on stage to make people laugh. Like that's our goal is to get laughter. And, you know, these lawmakers, politicians say they say lies. They say things that hurt people, that kill people, you know, that offend people, but also like hurt women and hurt people of color and hurt the LGBTQ community and, and incite violence and all this shit. And their speech is protected. They get reelected and reelected. They spread lies and it's pretty. And then a comedian tells a joke you don't like, and you're like like they should never be able to perform again and i so i i talked

to the head of the aclu and he's like it's all about power and you realize as a comedian we don't have a lot of power but we have a weapon we have a weapon that that a lot of people can't compete with and are are really intimidated by. Yeah, I agree. Real quick, we got to take a break. And we're back. Okay, let's go back to dating. Did you hate that whole thing? I didn't. It's just such a touchy subject i know i feel like

you know sometimes i'll like say my opinion and then people come at me and have their opinion and i know it's so annoying it's like you're entitled to your own opinion you lived your life and i don't yeah and i'm not looking for like a back and forth. And I've had a couple of straight male guests where my listeners were a little upset at their antiquated views slash jokes being a little misogynistic. But I was like, look at the age of them. Right, right. I just, I don't know. I just sometimes get a little like, well, I'm not sure. Right. It is exhausting. But yeah like, well, I'm not sure. Right.

It is exhausting. But yeah, you're right. You're right. Yeah. I don't know. As a comedian, sometimes I get like a little like, huh, why didn't that joke work? But then I guess I'm just a little more thoughtful than some people were. Some people would just be like, it's funny and like really like barrel through.

But I do try to be like, well, why wasn't it funny? Is it because it's not true to me or right i do the same thing i'm like what did i do wrong what's yeah what's missing or what you know what's like did i offend somebody and if i did offend them is it like a true offense right uh or is it like offended on behalf of someone else it's a lot of thinking that's the worst the the offended by proxy really gets on my nerves that i have to say what i'm good oh i thought it was funny but wait a minute i think i'm not supposed to laugh at it yeah that thing gets me annoying it's annoying all right we can go back to relationships okay what is something oh wait okay no so you have a podcast where you talk about people and like what pisses them off right so like do you have anything that really pisses you off about dating well I haven't dated in so long but

I remember when I was dating and this is like pre well 15 years ago I met so all right so here's my relationship history I was with someone from the age of like 20 22 ish 23 23ish to 42. Whoa. Yes. And we had two kids. I had one. She had one first. And then I had one in second parent adoption. Okay. In 2004, we broke up. And I met Elisa, my lover, in 2007.

Right? Uh-huh. So from those three years, the way I met Elisa was, first of all, I hated dating. I didn't I hadn't done it in so long. And it's so like I think it's so weird. To like meet someone and just know that it's you're like testing them out to see if you can be in a relationship instead of just like meeting someone being like, oh, this is a nice person. Oh, this is a friend. It's like it's so much.

Isn't there like so much fucking. Oh, oh, would I do I want to sleep with this person? Do I? You know, and it's just too much. So anyway, Time Out New York did this Valentine's Day issue where they had the 20 most eligible singles in New York. And I was one of them, picked by the LGBT. I think that was it. I don't think there was a Q yet.

And I wrote a thing. I had to write a – they had a picture. I wrote a little thing. And then they gave me a Gmail account, and people would write to me. So then I started – I didn't get a lot of responses, even though Elisa thinks I did. started. I didn't get a lot of responses, even though Elisa thinks I did. And it was so interesting because I would have these conversations via email and I'd be like, oh, this person's really funny. And we'd talk and then I'd say, oh, can you send a photo? And then I would never talk to them again after I got the photo. I mean, there were some who wouldn't tell me their age,

and then there was one woman who, you know like when you go in an office building and they take the photo for your badge photo? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So she apparently went down there and said, can you just take a picture of me? And it was just like, you could

tell they were out of their fucking minds. And I was just talking about this the other night. So one woman, we're meeting at a French restaurant in the neighborhood. And I walk in and she's sitting at the table. Now this is before like all this online banking, right? Like everyone didn't do the online. So I walk in, she's at a table she has her checkbook her utility bills and a calculator uh-huh and and she's like doing her bills

at the fucking table at the end and i'm just telling this story and and elise is like well maybe you know she was just you know just using, she had some free time. I'm like, no, I don't want to walk in on someone paying their fucking bills in a French restaurant. And then I proceeded to have to sit there and talk to her. And all I was thinking is you're fucking sitting in a French restaurant paying your fucking bills. I mean, honestly, what a turn on. I fucking bills at a you know I mean honestly what a turn on right I was bad at paying bills I'd be like oh my god you can help me we'll go on dates we'll write some checks we'll pass a little fucking post off this little guy it'll be fun that would truly I would

truly be like so wet by that. Like I'm here for it. Absolutely. I'm bad at like tasks. So someone who's like, oh, I'm going to do this task, have it done. I'm going to walk back to my house. I'm going to mail the envelope. That's a plan. Wow.

But I get being like, I get it being a turnoff, but I'm just so disorganized that I'd be like, wow, you're going to help me. You're my savior. I love it. Oh, so you would be using that person like, okay. Yeah. Okay, great. I also was in the Time Out New York singles edition. No way.

I cannot remember. Wait, was I? Or did I answer one? Mine was, this was 2007. This is funny that I can't, I don't, maybe I wasn't in it, but I feel like I was wearing a cardigan for the picture. How do I figure this out? Nicole Byer, time out.

That's so funny. This is the content people want. Me trying to figure out if I was a time out New York single. That's hilarious. Maybe I wasn't. Maybe I truly just answered one. Okay, listeners, here's some homework. Figure out if I am misremembering.

Figure out if I was actually a time out New York single or I only answered it. Well, if you can't find it, that means I only answered it. Anyway, the person I answered was this guy EJ whose party I went to and i fell down his stairs and passed out or passed out and fell down his stairs and it was going well before that um did you get hurt yes i did like i uh i don't think i dislocated anything but my ankle swole up to like eight times its size and i had to get crutches it was like really bad and i couldn't

walk for a little bit um and then i lost my contact because I had to get crutches. It was like really bad. And I couldn't walk for a little bit. And then I lost my contact because I had to sleep there. And I was wearing blue contacts at the time. And when I was brown, when I was blue, my like hair was sticking up. I like, I did not look like a gal. You wanted to keep around. But I saw him in the time out in New York.

And I was like, I'm gonna like, it had been years since. And I was like, I'm gonna message him. So I messaged him. I was like, Hey, EJ, I wonder if you like, remember me? And he wrote back, always remembered, never forgotten. Be well. And I was like, okay, fair, fair. I guess you don't want the girl who fell down your stairs to be the girl that you date. I get it. You know, I don't know. I don't like that. I would write, see, that would piss me off. Like that would be, cause you were like, cause I feel like it was a polite blow off and I don't like that. Oh, absolutely a polite blow off. I mean, I was so poorly behaved. I don't blame him. You wouldn't feel a ping of like, Oh, I, I mean,

I was like in a dream world, he would have responded and been like, Oh my God, uh, Nicole, you're, this is like, this is wild.

Like you reaching out, you're a wild gal. Let's, let's fuck it. Let's do this. Let's go out. And I, I missed out.

He was on jeopardy. What? Thriving. He was on jeopardy and thriving he was on jeopardy yeah he did he was i think he was on like two or three episodes of jeopardy so he was really smart he's very smart he's very handsome and very smart and we i saw i think the last time i saw him i did um new york comedy festival i guess this was 2019, maybe 2018. 2019 probably. And he was like, do we have each other's numbers? Maybe we email.

I don't know. But he messaged me and was like, you're going to be in New York. You're doing the New York Comedy Festival. I was like, yeah. He was like, let's go get drinks after. And I was like, okay. And then we got drinks and it was a delightful time. And I think he was with someone at the time.

So love was not going to happen. But you know what? Maybe one of these days I'll be single. You don't know. And EJ will be single. Also, he like went to like an Ivy League university. No way. He's like smart, smart. I really fucked up.

I like fucked up because like he kind of seemed like he was into me. Or maybe he wasn't. I don't know. But he did do an episode of this show i could listen to it and i could get all the answers i need but uh oh my god how much did he win on jeopardy i honestly don't know i mean you have to be fucking like that is a really hard show to get on i know and that could have been my husband but i had to get drunk and pee on his floor i left that part out i peed on his floor uh so like maybe that could have been like the real

reason why he was like i don't need my right yeah you peed on his floor yeah i got real drunk it was not good i thought i was in the bathroom guess what she was not um that's great. Your early 20s are a beautiful time to truly explore things. It's honestly a treat, you know? Anyhoo, Judy. EJ the Ivy Leaguer. Oh, wow. Okay. Judy, did you ever have to be on dating apps at all?

No, never. Oh, you're so lucky. That was the only thing. I remember when, you know, I'm of the generation where they would put personal ads in the back of the newspaper. That is so foreign to me because there was no pictures, right? Right. So it would be like straight white male, you know, Ivy League, you know, whatever. And they would have looking for and they just it was like small and like, you know, Ivy Lee, you know, whatever. And they would have looking for, and they just, it was like small and like, you know,

cause it was expensive to put the, the ad in and people would go and look in the, they were called the personal ads. And I thought that was weird. I was like, oh, just meet someone when you go out, you know, like it was so weird the way it's, and you would write a little thing about you yet and what you're looking for and yeah i guess yeah the apps are just like an updated personal ad because it's like it's a picture of me i'm nicole i'm 62 years old and i'm looking for a young man to eat me out. Right. You can't really say that.

I think you'd only attract creeps. No. And then when you're doing comedy and if someone said, you know, oh, how'd you guys meet? If you were on stage and you asked someone and they said, you know, and it was through a personal ad, they were embarrassed. It was like, you know, they'd be like, um, well, and that was like a mock like you know they'd be like um well and that was like a mock you know and now it everyone meets on a fucking dating app yeah i honestly don't know how i would unless i lived in somewhere like new york i don't know where i would meet somebody in person people go out in

new york and la i feel like everyone goes to sleep very early yeah that's true they don't want to like talk to anybody but I did find this new bar where his name is Joe okay do I miss New York so much but also not at all yeah okay whenever I go back I'm like this is harder than I remember you know what I this is how I lived in LA in the 90s and and I would go back and forth you know but I remember this is how I realized I loved New York better was when I was there were two shows on at the time. LA, there was a LA Law or something, some lawyer show that took place in LA. And then there was NYPD Blue.

And I remember when I was in New York and the opening to LA Law came on and they were doing all this scenes in LA, I was like, oh, that's nice. But I remember when I was living in LA and the opening to NYPD Blue came on, I would get so sad and homesick. And that's how I knew. That's when you're like, I gotta go home.

I gotta get back to the boys in blue at home. But here's the thing. Now that I'm older and New York is getting more and more difficult to live in, I'd love being in L.A. There you go. Here's the thing. If you move to L.A., you've got to keep that apartment in New York. Oh, I have to.

I mean, you got to. Hopes, wishes, and skittles. That's the payment. Yeah. Man, you gotta. Hopes, wishes, and skittles. That's the payment. I regret getting rid of my last apartment in New York because it was on 160th, which is too high up for some people. Good for me because it's still like neighborhood-y, but like still the city. And it was $1,800 for a gigantic three bedroom. What?

With an elevator. No, you're fucking kidding me. No, I'm not fucking kidding you. It was amazing. Three? How many bathrooms? Two. Oh, wait. No, I'm not fucking kidding you. It was amazing. Three, how many bathrooms? Two. Oh, wait, no, I'm a liar. One.

There was only one bathroom. Still. I was thinking of my apartment in LA, my first one there. No, yeah, my last apartment in New York, three bedroom, one bathroom, but the bathroom was like pretty big. The living room was huge. One of the bedrooms was huge. And then the other two were like decent size and there was like a little entryway.

Oh my God, I'm so jealous. jealous it was so i love it up there i love it up there too it was 160th and st nicholas and i had a car for the last month i was in new york and there was always parking up yeah there's a lot of parking up there i i really wish i'd kept it because it was also rent controlled so like it's been almost 10 years here. I probably be paying, you know, basically the same amount. Yeah.

Because it went, they did a rent freeze and then COVID. Yeah. Oh my God. That sucks. I know. I'm very sad about it. It was such,

it was such a cute apartment. Oh, but now do you live in a house? I do. I do. And that's nice nice and you have a lot of space I have a good amount of space I don't have like a backyard like I guess my but my dog is like I wish there was more grass for me but he's happy I think oh that's so great yeah but I you know here's the thing I can't like it is hard to meet people there and you're in your car all the

fucking time that's the other thing yes i do spend a lot of time in my car and that's the part i can't like i just i just had a million errands i rode my bike oh see that's nice i just bought a bike okay i bought a bike with a fucking little motor in it. Oh, you got the electric bike in it. Yes, I did. It's a little heavier than you would ever think a bike could be. But she fucking zip, zip, zip. She goes pretty fucking fast. Yeah, they go fast.

And you just pedal a little harder and it goes? Is that how you do it? Yeah, so you can turn it off and you can pedal it like a normal bike, but it's heavier than a normal bike, so it's hard. So then I will pedal like a normal bike but it's heavier than a normal bike so it's hard so then i will pedal like a normal bike turn it on a little bit and then like when i get tired zip zip zip zip and it's nice and it's cute and it's purple and there's a little basket for my dog oh my god i love it and do you wear a helmet i sure don't okay no i should wear a helmet i wear a helmet all the time i just feel like a nerd. Okay. But do you want a

traumatic brain injury? Now I'm going to be your Jewish mother. Look, you have to wear a helmet and it's not even about you. It's about the other people in their fucking cars. Okay. Please. Okay. I'll get a cool purple helmet. I have a Loomis helmet. A Lois okay and it has it lights up and you can do all these patterns on it and it has uh turn signals so like when you're going right it lights like an arrow going right and you can do like big hearts coming out and it lights up it's so great it's really safe did you look it up i am looking it up they say it's the world's smartest helmet yep okay and there's like a usb cord that goes this is pretty fucking high tech it's a great helmet oh what a dream this is nice see and they

have cool colors i'm gonna get a loomis helmet oh my god i'm so excited if anybody works at Loomis helmet. Oh my god I'm so excited. Hey Loomis if anybody works at Loomis and they want to send me I don't like paying for anything if they want to send me a purple helmet. Do they have purple? Wait. I'm the one promoting Loomis. I want a new one. I want a new Loomis helmet. Send me and

Judy new Loomis helmets please. Aren't they great? I think they look like fun and I think I'm going to actually get one. Okay. Hi Loomis helmets please aren't they great I think they look like fun and I think I'm gonna I think I'm gonna actually get one okay hi Loomis I love you real quick we have to take another break Judy I have another question do you talk about your

kids in your act well okay that's funny. Yeah, I do. I did more when they were little. And then Henry, my older son, who all he would do was watch Law & Order, right? He was addicted to SVU. SVU, yeah, Special Victims Unit, Law & Order.

And so I would talk about him in my act and he was just like my ex he was like i don't want you talking about me in my act okay i don't so one night i'm performing i work in provincetown massachusetts during the summer i have like a residency there anyway so um i'm doing uh a show and i was talking about Henry and Henry's like, I don't want you talking about it. I said, okay, so why don't I change your name? And he,

I, I, he said, okay. I said, what name do you want me to call you? And he said, Jerome,

Jerome. And I'm like, Jerome. Okay. So I'm thinking, oh, he probably heard that on law and order name of a rapist or something. Okay.

Okay. Now, so that night I get on stage and I'm like, oh my God, my son, Henry, I can't call him Henry anymore. I have to call him Jerome. And I'm telling the whole story to the audience, blah, blah, blah, blah. So Henry, when he was little, he used to meet me after the show. We'd go get ice cream afterwards. So Henry meets me after the show and we're walking down the street in Provincetown and everyone who I told them not to say

anything were in the audience and they're like, oh, is that Jerome? And he was like, I'm not talking to you. I'm getting a cease and desist. He told me he was getting a cease and desist. He's like 10 years old. So he hated it.

Ben, my other son son doesn't hate it. He, he's thinks it's kind of funny, but yeah, he, now he, Henry, the older one produces shows and,

and works, you know, in, in the comedy. And he, I think he appreciates it more now, but do you know what I mean? And he,

yeah, he likes, I think he likes it, but yeah, i guess when you're a kid it's like don't talk yeah he was really god that's so funny for you to tell an audience like if you see him don't say anything and the first thing yeah audiences can't be trusted with anything. Anything. No. Anything. Unless they're like a very small crowd. Sometimes I'll tell very small crowds.

I'll be like, okay, here's a little secret. Don't tell nobody. Yeah. I do that too. And you trust them. That's the thing. Like you trust them. Yeah.

Did you, when did you start, you started doing standup in college? So I was 19 and I, uh, I was dared. Someone dared me to do my secret Santa dared me to do it. So that was the first time I did it. And then I, I, they had this thing called campus comedy where these comedians,

professional comedians would come to the, you know, the campus. And it was, um, they were from catch rising rising star in new york which was the club in the 70s and 80s and up until it closed in the 90s and uh i won a spot on that show i guess um they had a talent show that i won or something and i won a spot on this

professional comedian show i was doing like five minutes and it was, uh, Adrian Tosh, God rest, rest in peace, who was the MC at catch rising star. She did all the new open mic. Okay.

Larry Amoros and Bill Shaft, who was the head writer of Letterman and Larry has written for everyone. Joan, um, you know, he writes all Barry Manilow's crap in between his songs and everything. Anyway, so I did the five minutes on this show and they told me I was really funny. And that is when another comedian, like when a professional comedian says,

and I still see Bill and he's like, I just remember that 19 year old face. And I started going and Adrian's like, come to Catch Rising Star and, you know, hang out because we used to hang out. And I'll put you up and I would go in on Monday nights to the city, you know, and stand in the back and hope to go on. I never got picked. But when I finally passed there, because there was no cell phones and people would be going from set, you know how it is in the city, you're like running from set to set and there were no cell phones and people would be caught on the subway or stuck in traffic and so catch a rising star hired two people to sit at the bar during the the um the weekend shows in case someone was delayed or didn't show up because of traffic or a broken subway or whatever um and we were called the backups and we got spot pay but we had to sit

there the whole show and it was me and chris rock how wild that is that's fun that's such a fun fucking story also very it was smart smart to just like yeah if they don't fucking show up here's two people you can see and and the thing was that it was like graduate school because i really i watched so many comedians work you know because we had to hang out otherwise you wouldn't get on stage and the show would go from like you know 8 30 till like 3 in the morning they would have you know this was the 80s when people were you know out all night and the audience would turn over several times. You know, like you, the people that went there at eight or nine were gone by like 1130. Um, and they would have a late night MC and, um,

I would do that sometimes, but yeah, it was a lot of watching. You had to really put in your time and hang out and show that you really wanted to work there. And in turn, I watched the greatest comedians work, you know, and develop their material. So it was really, and you had to be good. You didn't, you couldn't like your audition, you had an audition, right? It was, and you got on stage and that was your only shot. You didn't, there was no videotaping. There was no filming. There was no, you know, second, that was your only shot. You didn't, there was no videotaping. There was no filming. There was no, you know, there were no second chances.

And so you really had to be prepared. Anxiety inducing. It's so anxiety. And even being on the road without a computer or a cell phone. And like, it's so isolating and horrible. Oh my God. I couldn't even imagine being on the road without my phone or my computer because i'm already lonely yeah it's i remember i'd be gone for

two weeks and you couldn't use the hotel um the phone in the hotel because it costs so much money you know it was long you gotta pay for long distance um i brought one suitcase that was a junk drawer just of shit like books i brought my clarinet like i would bring so much stuff i would bring so much stuff because you were it was so isolating like you couldn't do this like i couldn't call anyone i oh yeah that sounds wild did you ever have any did you ever have any any chuckle fuckers while you were on the road? No. No?

I mean, I had people. Here's the thing about me. I was in a relationship. I never cheat. And this is what I say, and everyone says this all the time. Like, someone could be literally eating me out, and I'd be like, do you think they're attracted to me? Like, I have no

clue. I feel the same way sometimes. Yeah. Elise is like, don't you see that person? I'm like, no. And all my friends are like, you have no idea when someone is into you. Like, I'm just in my head so much. Like, I don't even, I don know i uh i went out to my new favorite bar uh i won't tell you where it is because i don't want these listeners to go but uh the bartender his name is joe he's really wonderful he's i love him but uh we were there it was me and sashir because she's my only friend and this man tommy was like talking to us and he like kept talking to me i was like oh my god what is fucking going on and then later so she was like kept talking to me. I was like, Oh my God, what is fucking going on? And then later she was like,

he was hitting on you. I was like, what? She was like, I am the same exact way. She was like, he wouldn't speak to me. He only wanted to talk to you.

He was hitting on you. And I was like, Oh, I am so dumb. I know. And, you know, Elisa gets really jealous. Like someone will post a picture with me and then she'll call me up and go, who's, you know, Meredith Johnson? And I'm like, I don't know.

Well, she knows you. And she took a picture with you. And I'm like, oh, my God, I don't know. Well, she knows you. And she took a picture with you. And I'm like, oh, my God, I don't remember. What do you so you've been in two pretty long relationships. I know. I'm jealous. What is the key? Compromise.

Well, first of all, I feel like there's a lot of compromise, but you have to. First of all, Elisa and I have been together 15 years and we don't live together. Whoa. Okay. We own the house together at the Cape, but we each have our own apartment that we can go. I mean, we spend a lot of time together, but you know, there are nights where I need to be by myself.

She needs to be by herself. And oh, I have these. So I did this play years ago and there was a guy, this understudy who is so fucking talented. Anyway, he and his boyfriend at the time were together for 37 years and married. He lived in apartment 5A and his husband lived in apartment 6a they would spend you know they'd have all the meals together they'd hang out and then they'd be like good night and they'd each go back to their own apartment like one would go downstairs or the other one would go upstairs uh-huh and happiest couple ever yeah maybe there's something to it where like, you don't always have to live with your partner. I think. And now with the real estate, people are

saying that, that married couples are having separate bedrooms. Like I, you gotta have space. You have to have your, the thing is, all right, this is the key. Same values. You have to have space. You have to have your, the thing is, all right, this is the key. Same values. You have to have the same values. And sometimes those values change with the other person and you have to realize they're not the same person. Okay. Values. I think you have to be able to compromise.

You have to have a good sense of yourself. Every, you each have to have your own life and you have to have your together life, but you have to let the other person have their own life. Yeah. I do think there's something to it where it's like, you can't do everything together because you'll lose your mind. Right. And it's like,

and being a comic, like when you go away and then you come back together and you're excited to see the person, like there's something, there's something there's something said to be said for that like these people that are together all the fucking time and then they work together like i don't understand that i mean i don't get it either i spend an incredible i mean so she and i are not in a romantic relationship but we spend a lot of time together and then

perform together but then truly live separately. Right. And there was a time where we were like, should we be roommates? And Amelia were like, no, we couldn't. Right.

All the things that annoy us about each other would really be exasperated. Right. And you want to save your friendship. Yes. Yeah, but yeah,

she like lives 15 minutes away from me and it's nice to be like, 15 minutes till I see my friend is gonna be nice. I can't wait. Right. You know? And yeah, I see my friend is going to be nice. I can't wait. Right. You know?

And yeah, I do think there is something to, you know, leaving a little bit of air and a little bit of space in the relationship. That's right. You need to like have that and you need to have your own hobbies and interests. Like this merging together thing. It's,

I don't know. This merging together thing. I don't,'t yeah i couldn't do that yeah i don't think i could either i like spending time with somebody but also you know time apart i think is just really valuable and healthy and also therapy do you go to therapy okay so i just started with a new therapist um because i was with my other one for a very long time and i do think it's healthy to like after a while it's like okay you're like done with you yeah yeah i think it's time to move on we did a lot together and it was really nice um but yeah i'm working with a new one and it's just interesting because she's a very different woman and she already has like a very different view on some of the

things I've said that I'm like, Oh, why didn't I think of it this way? And then, you know, she's bringing up some trauma stuff that she's like, maybe you're reacting because of X, Y,

and Z. And I'm like, bitch. Wow. Didn't think of it that way. Okay. So yeah, she's in therapy. And I think if i were to get in a relationship i would do couples therapy as well couples therapy is so important yeah i think people wait till they have problems but i'm like no if you have a fight there's like

it's not like your dog knows you know what's actually going on and can help you work through it right have a human being be like oh this I mean, this is my interpretation of it. You could be like, yes, that's what I meant. Or no, that's not what I meant or whatever. I think it's good. And it's also like when you, the thing is you have the same fights over and over again. Mm-hmm. You know, when you're with someone for a long time.

Like Elisa and I had a big fight last night. And then this morning I was like, you know, and you're with someone for a long time. Like, Elisa and I had a big fight last night. And then this morning, I was like, you know, and it's dramatic. Like, that's the other thing about being a lessee. It's like, and being with a therapist. It's like the talking things over and the processing. And I'm just like, can we just move on? Like, that's the thing.

And when it's the same fight over and over again, it's like, Elisa, I could write the script out for you. You know? But so, yeah, that's, I don't know. I just think communication is the key. I also think communication is the key. But then I worry, I'm like, I'd spend a lot of time talking if I get into a relationship.

You want someone who can listen. You want someone who can listen. Well, no, sometimes I talk a lot for my job and then sometimes I just need it quiet. That's the same way I am. And she's like, why aren't you talking to me? I'm like, we don't have to have an interaction. We're on the sofa. I do love this different apartment thing. Does she live far away or is it like a walk? I love this different apartment thing. Does she live far away or is it like a walk? She lives in Harlem.

She lives, no, it's not a walk. I can either ride my bike or take the subway. Oh, okay. And I love her apartment way better than mine. Yeah, it's fun to go to each other's. It's just the schlepping back and forth of all the shit. You know what I mean? Yeah.

When did you guys make the choice to not move in together well i wanted to and then all right then first she was like you have to get rid of your storage unit because i had a storage unit first of all you know and i have two kids so i had to wait till i wasn't moving with the two. I wanted them to have like a place to call home that they had always lived in. So, okay. So that's number one. Then they grew up and she's like, you have to get rid of your storage unit. It's mental that you have a storage unit. Like, why do you have a storage unit?

And I was like, oh my God, fine. I'll get rid of the fucking storage unit. So I got rid of the storage unit and then it was like okay now you need to do and i'm like you know what we'll do it when we do it like i used to want to do it and now i kind of we have our house together and i mean and like sometimes i really want to see her but i just don't feel like getting up from the fucking couch so it's like all right i'm going to sleep in a couple hours anyway that's funny i mean i may i maybe distance makes the heart grow fonder and yeah 15 years is a fucking solid amount of time

right um we do have to wrap this up but i do another question to you forever go judy i know no i'm i'm i very much enjoy our conversation but thank you I have another guest book that I got to record with. So you worked on the Rosie O'Donnell show. Yes. Who is Cutie Patootie? Is that her thing or did the writer write Cutie Patootie? No, she used to say that all the time. That was hers.

Couch Balls. Was that a branding thing? No, that was her. She found this shit and would get obsessed with it. Oh, okay. Yeah. And she found there was a Couch Ball and then she was like she's like a kid and then she would be like throwing the koosh balls at the yeah no that yes next okay those were my those are my two big questions i used to watch the rosie o'donnell show uh when i was quote unquote sick and had to stay home from school. You know, I think about that show. It was such a fun,

great time of my life. And the thing about it was, I remember thinking, I mean, this is 96, 97, 98, when I worked there, 99. And I was, I remember thinking, if the audience knew how gay the show, how everyone on the show is so gay and how home and, you know, because you couldn't be, I mean, it was really hard to be out then. And, you know, John McD gay, the, you know, Rosie gay, everyone gay, gay, gay. It was like, you know, and it was just so much fun. And it was so gay. And these people are falling in love with this woman who they don't know is a lessee. And the band leader is gay. You know, it was just, I don't know.

That was the thing. I just wished everyone knew. Oh, you love this show. It's put on by a bunch of homos. It's put on a bunch of gay people. And gay people aren't as scary as you think they exactly they're nice and friendly it is wild that like it was it when ellen came out her show got canceled yeah 97 which is really like insane i know wait what what we can't she can't be on tv because she gay

yeah it's not like she's gonna do do something terrible on TV. Like what? It's just crazy. It's so fucking wild. And now they're trying to go back to that. Don't say gay. Let me tell you something. No one said gay when I was growing up and I'm still gay. So shut the fuck up.

I mean, you're right. I just, yeah. I don't think, I don't know. We didn't talk a lot about gayness in school, but there was still like gay people. Right. And it's like, yeah.

And no one chooses to be gay. No one chooses to make their life more difficult. Yeah. Fucking idiots. I've had this conversation before on the podcast, but it's like, nobody says explicitly straight, straight,

straight, straight. Right. But it's like, you just see it a lot in entertainment. It's that shoved down people's throats. So it's like, right.

That's the, whatever. Judy. Okay. I have a a question we've come to the end i ask all my guests this i stopped doing it for a hot second but she's back into it judy would you date me oh yeah totally i think we would have so much fun i think so too i would love it we could both wear helmets on our bikes we could wear our luminous helmets luminous send us some helmets i don't know oh oops gotta say it correctly lumos lumos helmets yes i would totally totally i love to hear that sometimes people say no and i think about it for a very long time judy do you have anything you want to promote oh i didn't well my book yes i can say that when they come to the comedians we're all in trouble yay my podcast kill me now

and i um i'm on twitter instagram and tiktok at judy gold j-e-W-D-Y, G-O-L-D, because I'm a Jew. You gotta let them bitches know. Yeah, and then tonight at the Elysian Theater, tomorrow night at the Greek Theater, and then I have a whole bunch of dates coming up, and I don't know what they are, because I'm not looking at my calendar. I love it. I'm not looking at my calendar. I'm not looking at my calendar. So that means you could Google and find out later. Yeah. And I'm doing a show with Jessica Curson in Norfolk. And where is it? Norwalk, Connecticut on June 2nd. I've never been to Norwalk, Connecticut, but God bless. God bless it, baby.

At the Wall Street Theater. Yeah. If you like this episode of Why Won't You Date Me, you can like it, you can rate it, you can subscribe. If you want to write me something nasty hitting on me, a nasty little ditty, you can email whywontyoudatemepodcast at gmail.com and I will read it.

This lovely person said, Nicole, I would take you to Sonic 3 whenever it comes out and we could be like Sonic and Tails, but like not only the friendship part, but also like the weird hardcore porn version that I accidentally found on Google Images. But also we could do Coke. So maybe we can be fast like Sonic

and then we bang and giggle until the sun comes up. And every time we orgasm, a bunch of rings pop out like when Sonic gets hurt, but it's good hurt. Okay, I'm in Ohio. It's kind of far. If Sonic 3 happens, I'll take you if you want to go. I'll still, I'll take you if you want to see it. You got a lot of people who want to be with you.

I know, but most of them are in relationships and will end it at the bottom and be like, although I am in a relationship, whatever. Yeah. Yeah, nice. Well, that's it. Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

That's it for Why Won't You Date Me? With me, Nicole Byer. Why Won't You Date Me? is produced and Byer. Why Won't You Date Me is produced and engineered by, oh, the sweetest woman I know, Marissa Melnick. It is executive produced by other wonderful people, Adam Sachs, Joanna Solotaroff, and Jeff Ross. Thanks for listening. I love you. Thank you so much. We'll be seeing you next Friday with a brand new episode. What a treat. What a dream This has been A Team Coco production