Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Marrying for Tax Purposes (w/ Jeff Hiller)

Episode Date: March 24, 2023

Comedian and actor Jeff Hiller (Somebody Somewhere) reunites with Nicole to share how he met his husband on Chemistry.com, his experience acting on a reality TV dating show, and how a fight on Fire Island saved his marriage. Plus, Nicole reads the DM that lead her to deactivate a dating app.  We're live streaming a new episode April 5th!  See a live video recording of Why Won't You Date Me? with VOD available for 2 weeks after. Tickets at moment.co/dateme Write to Nicole! Submit your dirty pick-up lines, dating stories, or questions to [e-mail] for a chance to have it read on-air. Follow Nicole Byer: Twitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerMerch: podswag.com/datemeNicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Ooh, baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me, a podcast where me and Cole Byers are exploring love and trying to figure out what does it all mean. My guest today is a hilarious comedian and actor.

You've seen them in American Horror Story, Broad City, Community 30 Rock, and so much more. He now co-stars in Somebody Somewhere, returning for season two on HBO next month. And I was very lucky to come up in the improv scene watching this person

be so funny all the fucking time. It's Jeff Heller! Thank you. all the fucking time it's jeff hello thank you hi thank you jeff i haven't spoken to you in so long oh thanks for having me this is fun so this is like honestly delightful dazzling and i'm so excited okay i think you're so funny so i'm very happy you're doing this i think you're so funny so i'm very excited to be here okay you're in a relationship yes yeah but just for 15 years it's still new years yeah it's just a budding romance, still figuring it out.

Wait, how did you meet? This is pre-cell phones, so it was pre-apps. But it was like when only weirdos got onto the internet. And that's what I did, baby. I was like, I know who I am. Was it like OkCupid? No, it was called chemistry.com. And it was sort of like a reaction to eHarmony.

Because it was like the same thing. We had to answer all of these crazy questions. But it was like aimed at liberal people. In fact, the reason I joined is they had a commercial where this like sort of soft butch lesbian like was walking on a white seamless. And she was like, hey, eHarmony, why do you hate the gays? And I was like, sign me up. You know, they don't do commercials or ads the way they used to. Someone posted recently an ad where it was a woman sitting on a counter of a dirty house.

And it was like like my boyfriend said he'd love me if i tried crack and he's not here anymore and i was like they don't make they don't make them like that anymore and i can't see if that's a good or a bad thing but you're absolutely right they don't i wish they did why do you hate the gays, eHarmony? I mean, valid question. Touche. I mean, I don't have an answer. Okay. So what was your first date?

Our first date, we went to a place. Well, there was like literally two months of just like communicating and answering questions and sending emails. It was very like Victorian or something. And see, I had set it up where I was like, I am going to get a boyfriend this year. I was 32 and I was like, I'm going to get a boyfriend. I want a boyfriend real bad. Cause I'd never really had one. And so I just went on, I went on a date a week. It was like, I did like speed dating. I did match.com. I did chemistry.com. I did. I had people set me up. I was like, anyway, all of the dates were terrible.

But then we finally met up with Neil and we went to a place called Marion's in the East Village where I think that's where Amy Sedaris used to wait tables. Ooh. And we got cocktails. Did she wait on you or was she amy sedaris at that point i think she was already amy sedaris yeah that's cute and nice that's like i don't know it's just like it's simple and it's nice and i do like because people are always like okay so when you stop looking that's when it happens but you were looking hardcore and it happened hardcore looking yes and was neil looking hardcore or or was Neil just like bippin' and boppin'?

I think you had to be sort of hardcore to be doing chemistry.com because it was kind of a commitment. It was like an hour long survey before you even like got to look at pictures. And they only sent you five people a day. They're keeping you starved. How wild. I it was it was very like you know your your aunt is like chaperoning you on the on the fainting couch or something um do you subscribe to love languages um i mean i am familiar And can I hold on just one second?

My cat got into her treats and she's going to down on them. And I just have to take them away from her. I'm so sorry. Hold on real quick. That is fine. Beverly, no. Beverly. I'm so sorry wait your cat's name is Beverly

yeah I like that very much I love animals with very sensible human names my dog's name is Yvonne that is perfect Yvonne and Beverly yeah what a dream it's it's my joy as a mother it's my my life um before we were interrupted by Beverly just munching down monster oh it's fine what kind kitty treats? Is it like catnip? What is catnip?

Catnip is an herb, and it kind of gets, I don't know if it gets the cat high. I think it does kind of get the cat high, at least from what I can tell. But this was not catnip. This is just straight up treats. And it was my fault. I left them on the counter. Then she got up on the counter. She knocked them onto the ground, and she was like chewing through the thing.

And I had heard her doing it, and I was like, well the thing and i i'd heard her doing it and i was like well i can't interrupt the podcast but then she was like pulling down to the living room and spewing it everywhere and i was like i can't let this continue i love animals they know what they're doing is bad but they do it anyway and then they're like uh sorry but not really but not really at all like i woke up the other day my dog clyde i love him i love him dearly of course we went out the night before he took a shit he took two shits and then we woke up early two shits in one walk bless he did goals earlier than normal ran out of my room and i was like oh i guess he's thirsty. But then I was like, you ready for a walk? And he didn't come.

And I was like, did he shit in the house? Knowing full well that we're going out on a walk? And I looked and he did. And then he came and he looked so sad. And I was like, we're going outside. And then he just looked even sadder and then was devastated the whole walk. And then shit again. And I was was like what did you eat last night i still don't know to this day what he ate that night he must have been sick or something no it was just big old solid poops

honestly i want to be clyde i would like to be as regular as c Clyde it would be a dream of mine wait Jeff I didn't know this you were on a hidden camera show called boiling points yeah you didn't know that yeah no was it so you had to so the premise of the show was you would get set up on dates and then act poorly and then people earn dollars is that what it was it's like it was like reverse prostitution it wasn't just dates you know you found a john and you went on dates and money was exchanged yeah um it was it was okay it's so screwed up. Like in retrospect, I'm like, this is a terrible thing to teach like the youth of America. But because it aired at like three thirty p.m., it was not like a nighttime show. But it was like you would be in a situation. Usually you'd be like a bad customer service person. And then they you'd be doing bad, bad things. And if they didn't get mad after a certain time, they would win $100. But if they got mad, i.e. stood up for themselves because they were being disrespected,

they would not win any money. That's so funny to stand up for yourself. And then they go, no, no reward for you for speaking your truth. How funny. What's the worst one that you had to do well i did do a blind date one because i got hired as the there's a lot of ucb people that worked for it and i got hired as the the gay i mean like they weren't even like covert about it they were just like we needed a gay come on i mean you know at least they said gay not not the f word you know yes they were just respectful they were pointed and said gay not not the f word you know yes they were just respectful they were pointed and said gay exactly get in here and i like i hate conflict i'm like so bad with conflict and this job was just be like create concept um so i just made myself pretend to like please the people so i had two that were terrible.

One was a blind date one where I was like a whiny blind date, but like not one, but two people walked in. I didn't even start whining yet. They just looked at me and they were like, no. Oh, my. I mean, even a fake date would devastate me. How devastating. I was devastated. You walked in and walked right out. You didn't even want to see how annoying I could be. I know. At least wait five minutes so I can buzz the X on you and not give you the hundred bucks. It was a hundred dollars. That's a good amount of money.

Yeah. Yeah. And this was almost 20 years ago. So it was a hundred dollars that's a good amount of money yeah yeah and this was almost 20 years ago so it was really good man so it was really good before inflation and the recession the recession on the fashion but then another time i did one where i just kept um people would be like this chair is wiggly i was like a waiter and i'd be like oh let me get you another chair and then i just keep them waiting for a really really long time and then as I brought it back I would just give them like it was like I had sawed off all four of the legs to make it even and so that they would be like at a table like this like the table at their nose that's pretty funny I thought it was so funny but one guy got really mad and like eventually you, like, stools that were too high and then, like, all these dumb chairs.

And this one guy, just on the first one, got so mad. And he was, like, getting mad at me. And I was, for some reason, I was just like, I have to please the producer, so I have to keep being an asshole. So I was just like, sorry, that's just the chair that we have. We being an asshole so i was just like sorry that's just the chair that we have we can't do anything better for you and he like came at me and the bouncer had to grab him it's the only time the bouncer ever did that and he goes the bouncer was like jeff if they get mad at you just tell them it's a tv show for god's sake you're like no the show must go on i shan't tell her so wait that is so frightening i know that's kind of scary actually in retrospect

yeah someone charging at you because they're mad about a chair oh my god imagine doing that show now after covid where everyone's kind of lost their minds. Like people would be throwing these little chairs at each other. It's really true. I might be doing it myself. I feel like I would just be like, well, this is my life now. I sit in a little chair. Oh, me too. I would never complain about any i would win

i would win 200 because i never complained about anything i just was in la kind of complain but not that much but i do it with a cute little face i'm sorry yeah i'm like scummy. I don't want croutons in this. They're like, pick it out. And I'm like, okay, I do it. What were you saying? You were in L.A.? We were just in L.A. And I don't know if you've ever been to this.

Like, right in Tide Town, they have these, now they have these restaurants, like, outside. Like, on Hollywood Boulevard. Yeah. And they have, like, cute like cute little like checkered table closet it was cute and you order it like a little tent and my husband ordered pad see you and I ordered pad thai and my husband's came within like three minutes and then mine didn't come for and I'm not this is it I know this a full half an hour he was completely done and I was just sitting there and he was like do you want to say something This is it. I know this. A full half an hour.

He was completely done. And I was just sitting there and he was like, do you want to say something? And I was like, hey, I'm sure it'll come soon. And what did they say when they brought it a full half hour later? Well, I went up and I was like, did you forget? And they're like, no, we have to make the rice. No, there is no rice in my food. It was bad tie. But I was just like, okay. Okay, they got to make the rice to not put in my dish. Okay, I understand. They have things to do.

That is so funny to say. We have to make the rice and there's no rice in your dish. And also so funny that I would just be like, okay. Sounds right. Thank you, okay. Sounds right. Thank you so much. God bless. Goodbye. Maybe this is a weird pad thai that has rice in it.

I don't know. It's a secret pad thai with rice. What's the most romantic dinner you've been on with your husband? Let's see. When we first started dating, we went to a place and it was like a vegan restaurant, which was like really foreign to me at the time. And we got, he was like, oh, I think you'd like this. And I did. And then we got martinis that were infused with basil.

Oh, interesting. And I was like, this tastes weird, but I feel sophisticated. And I don't know. It was just really nice. We were like, enjerve. And then one time we were in Paris and we had a really nice, lovely meal at a little bistro and we were like eavesdropping on the French people. We didn't know what they were saying, but we were eavesdropping.

Just making up your own storylines. I mean, when am I not? Wait, when did you know you were in love? And then who said it first? And then who said it first? Oh, I knew because I was still dating other people. And I was out on this date with this guy who on paper should have been great. He worked for like an opera company or something. And he was tall and had like really good hair. And he was tall and had like really good hair.

I like all of it. Opera, tall, hair, yum. I don't know anything about opera, but doesn't it just sound classy? It sounds cool. Exactly. And he like came in to kiss me and I flinched. I was like, and that's when I was like, it's Neil. It's Neil nothing. Oh, I love love that and then i said it to neil and i remember he was like well i love you too that is oh my god what a dream

that is what i want where it's just like i't know, two people who are genuinely in love. And it's like, well, yeah, me too. I guess I could have said it first. I don't know. But like, it's here and I love you. I love that. I move too fast. OK, so I was watching this show called I Love That For You. And Vanessa Bear's character is like on a date with this. And she's like, I might take this job. But like, if I move out of state, I will include you in that choice. And the guy's like,

we've been on three dates. And I was like, this is looking in a mirror. I moved. So like three dates. And I'm like, so we get married. And everyone has said,

no, I don't want that. Goodbye. I, I, first of all, I get that. Both sides. And I also move too fast.

That was definitely my issue before Neil. But with this one, I felt like I couldn't say it because I was still dating all these other people. And it felt like. Wait, how many other people were you dating? Well, really just two others that I was like seeing more than once. But then I was seeing other people just like one at a time. Still from all the different websites that I was on and all the different like setups I was getting set up on and stuff. OK, real quick, we have to take a break.

Okay, real quick, we have to take a break. We're back. How do you juggle so many different people? Well, it wasn't, well, first of all, most of them were just people who would see me, we would have one drink and they would just be like, okay, I need to go now. And my hair would whoosh from the way they ran away.

So I didn't really have to keep track so much of them. Okay. But then the other two, it was a little complicated, but like, it was, it was all sort of casual, except for Neil kept being like, you know, first it was just once a week maybe. And then it was like, oh, now we're meeting two times a week. And then like, oh, I'm sleeping over at his house and stuff like that. And then so then I told you about how I had to break up with the when I flinched with that guy. I was like, I'm sorry, I'm seeing somebody else. I really just feel like he's he's someone that I really want to focus on. Then the third guy, he was, I had met him.

Maybe he was from chemistry. I don't know. I can't remember exactly where I met him. But he was like really intense. And he was like, he was training to be a therapist, which means he had to be in therapy four hours a day for five days a week. To train to be a therapist, you have to be in therapy four hours a day for five days a week to train to be a therapist you have to be in therapy that this guy's school said that i don't know if that's always the case i mean i guess if you go to acting school you act all day long if you go to medical school you cut people up i don't know what other jobs are i guess it was was like, when you were the president,

you have to go be a president all the time. All the day, every day. That's what Joe Biden's doing. Everyone says he's sleeping, but he's been the president for a while. He's just tired. He doesn't need the nap. But anyway, this guy was so intense

and we went to see Gypsy and it's about like this sort of like crazy stage mother. Oh went to see Gypsy. And it's about like this sort of like crazy stage mother. Oh, I know Gypsy. Come on. I had a dream. But you would. And we left and he was like, that woman was so infuriating.

She's just like my mother. My mother always, always needs to control my life and like this is why you're in therapy four days a week or five four hours a day five days a week and then he called me and he was like uh because he lived in new jersey and i was just like i can't get out of new jersey and then he goes if you want to continue dating me, then you need to make an effort and you need to come to New Jersey. And I was like, okay, I think I don't want to, I don't want to date you anymore. Honestly, very funny to give someone an ultimate and to be like, you come to Jersey, you get out. It's like, I'll get out. I don't, I don't need to take the path.

I don't need to take New Jersey transit. I'm not getting on a bus. We don't have to do this. No, that path train smells weird. Honestly, it does. It's not good. God, that's so funny. And I'm from Jersey. And I would be like, no.

No, I can't go back there. And it wasn't even deep Jersey. It was like Hoboken or something. Yeah, truly like 15 minutes away from the city i couldn't possibly no thank you i didn't get it um okay when you so did you start doing improv before after you met neil before way way before so did you ever get any chuckle fuckers like people who saw you perform and then they were like jeff i just want to slob on your knob i don't know oh my god i wish somebody wanted to slob on my knob no nobody slobbed on any knob near me it's so different did you no me neither i No. Me neither. I think that's only straight men get that. Maybe. I'm trying to think of the interviews I've done. Drag queens have clown chasers and straight male comedians have chuckle fuckers.

Yeah. And then the gays and the ladies just have fun friends who have questions. Maybe if I'd been in drag, I could have gotten some. But I also was like the only gay person at the time like there are lots of gay folks there now queer folks but at the time i really it was like me john flynn and eric bernard and that was it yeah so it was like which is pretty wild all right so i by the way i would have dated either one of them if either of them showed me any interest but neither one of them had any interest in me they were like no thank you

and i was like well that's it that's a deal breaker for me if you're not interested in me that's a deal breaker sorry about it um has neil neil seen you perform, right? Does he like watching you perform? Uh, he likes watching me in scripted content and he'll watch, he'll see improv like three times a year, let's say. But also. It really is. I don't care. It's a big old ass to be like, will you continue to watch me make stuff up? Well, past my childhood

will you watch me pretend to lift a big ball and hand it to john gabrus and he'll he'll put the ball somewhere he actually really liked it when i performed with gabrus he loves gabrus gabrus is great yeah he's good he's really funny but um when you like are just dating someone like first do you invite them to shows oh i can't think i've only invited two people i was dating to see three people i've dated to see shows one they invited themselves and i was like okay and then they were kind of fangirling about the performers and i was like please don't do that they're like co-workers if you will and that was awkward and then the second one i just i decided i like this man i said oh he is for me it's been two months three months um i'm inviting him to a show and i invited him to a show and then like 10 minutes

before i was like hey are you coming he's like oh sorry no i'm working late and i was like and you didn't tell me that was it was a big moment for me to ask you to come and you just threw it away i was heartbroken oh but also we had never hung out during the day like this person was not going to be my person how do you wait okay how did you and neil transition to like hanging out during the day i that's a hard transition for me oh that's interesting the day it's just like what daylight means something different i'm a vampire and i'm just trying to figure out how to get into this well you, cause like you go on night dates and then you like hook up and then it's like,

go home. Right. Or like, I've never been like, should I stay long? I never want to overstay my welcome. And then one man, I was like,

I literally was, I said to him, I said, can we hang out during the day sometimes? And he said, sure. And then he immediately stopped seeing me. Maybe it was weird.

I don't know. Maybe it's just, how does it happen? Does someone just go, do you want to go to Six Flags? Like, I don't know how daytime hangs happen. Yeah, right. You want to go to matinee. It's still in the dark once we get inside. I can't really remember the transition. I don't think it was all that monumental but

I will say that it was very like every other relationship I did try to force force him to love me and in this one it just sort of happened organically and it's the only one that

stuck you know god what a treat i am constantly just forcing my terrible personality on people and they're just like no i don't want this but i am taking a little bit of a break from dating right now really how long do you have like a time thing or just going with your gut just going with my gut i deactivated my hinge oh i deactivated my tindar oh i left raya because i wasn't sure if i had to like reapply and boy that was a whole to do but yeah i was just like i'm tired of which app do you meet the most men on or people um it's a mix between tinder and hinge really so tinder was like popping for a minute and then hinge was popping and then tinder popped again and now nothing's popping and then i was like

i just keep getting weird messages and i'm like a little over it. I'll read you this message that made me decide to delete it or not delete it, to deactivate or not deactivate. I don't know what I'm doing. I think I'm not paying for it anymore, but I still have it. I don't know. Okay. So this nice man said, so my profile says I'm fat yet flexible because i need you to know that i might be fat but i'm nimble and i can do things do you have a pole dancing video on the thing

well i thought that would be like a little too much i showed one man on a date me pole dancing and i was wearing a purple sports bra and a purple bottom and I looked kind of naked and he was like you're naked and I was like no I'm not he's like you look so naked I was like um I'm sorry I'm sorry and then it was just it was just awkward for a little bit um that didn't work out either okay so this nice man matched with me and said, now why you got to throw that you're flexible in there? Now I'm going to be wondering how flexible, LOL. Sorry, I guess I should have started with,

hi, I'm blank. I don't want to say his name, but I always find that's a weird way to start because you obviously already know my name. So instead I thought it'd be less weird if I just started with a sex joke. How am I doing so far? i said i think i'm done you know what though i feel like if you were really thirsty you could find charm in that and and the fact is is that right now you need to you need to focus on yourself so i think that

that's a great thing you're listening to. You're listening to your body, your mind. Thank you. I'm listening to the mind, the body, the soul. I'm that book right now, Chicken Noop for the Soul. Do you remember when that book was like so popular? It was like, we don't need this. Everybody was giving it to everybody. And I still don't know what it's about.

Is it poems? No, I think it's like short stories about like really sappy things oh get out of here i don't want it i hate soup and i don't like it in book form either there yeah i don't know dating right now feels real garbagey i feel like right after the pandemic everyone was like love right and then the further we've moved i mean it's still going on but the further we've been pretending that it's done i feel like people have gotten worse yeah yeah they're like agendas are worse i don't know we're really in like a big paradigm shift about like everything dating and just like socializing in general and i think just

like whatever a year and a half two years just inside not talking to anybody is really damaging and we're just now realizing how damaging we all have collective trauma that we are not talking about exactly moving on sorry about it and i feel bad for like pre-teens like people who went through like in the two years that we were inside because it's like you went inside came out with titties and you're like i don't know how to act people are looking at me all weird like that must have been wild for some people so true i know i mean it's wild anyway, but to have like, you can't even like read Judy Blume or anything. It's just confusing. You can't even.

I loved Are You There, God, It's Me, Margaret. I read that book so many times. I was just like, are you there, God, it's me, Nicole. Things are happening to me too. And like, did you like really focus in on the sort of dirty parts? Oh, of course. The seven minutes in heaven the sort of dirty parts? Oh, of course. The seven minutes in heaven part. Oh, yeah.

Oh, boy. There was this book I found at the library. It was in the young adult section. It was called The Swan. And I think that's what it was called. It was a purple cover. I love colors. Purple's my favorite.

And then like a pretty girl with dark hair. And I don't remember what the story is about but i remember i read to like this like pseudo sexy part where it was like he laid me down and touched my breast and kissed my lips and i was like i was like 13 and titillated and was like oh my word and i read it over and over and over again but never finished the book i would just read that That's how I feel about the diary of Anne Frank. Which part? She talks about like rubbing her breasts and I guess she had her own sort of like,

you know, pubescent pandemic. She had her own quarantine. That is dark, but yeah. It's very dark. Please don't get mad at me sorry but it's true like that i'm that would have you know but she talks a little bit about like i mean i think that's what makes it so relatable she's like completely honest and sometimes they abridge that but but not for whatever reason and i don't know why at my school

in texas they didn't And it was like, oh my. And there's like a kind of lesbian moment where she's like into her cousin or friend or something. Wow. I've never read the Diary of Anne Frank. And I don't know why. I feel like that's like part of all curriculums. Yeah. Huh.

Also, I'd be pretty mad if someone published my diary I know right yeah I mean my diary would just be so sad I'd be like I really like this boy he doesn't like me back I don't know what to do I'd be like I feel gross why isn't anything happening

in my life because I only ever do it when I'm like kind of sad yeah nobody wants to journal when they're happy you want to enjoy the happiness because I only ever do it when I'm like kind of sad. Yeah, nobody wants to journal when they're happy. You want to enjoy the happiness. Exactly. Which is really interesting.

I know. Maybe I should journal my happiness. Oh, that'll do it. No. That'll make us better. Seems like too much work. I can't do that. I'm too happy to find a pen i don't know where pens are i have never seen a writing utensil um okay here's a question you work long hours because you are on a tv show and does neil get upset or do you guys like make a schedule to make time for each other

how does this work well he used to really get upset i mean now now first of all it's only two months a year but i am fully in a different city and because it's been during covid like he he wasn't even allowed to come out the first season. And then the second season, that's a long story, but it ended up he didn't come out either. And those are hard, but it's like, okay, it's two months. We can rally through. But at the beginning, especially at the beginning when it was like, it wasn't him giving, you know, being like, well, all right, I'll have to sacrifice you so you can go film your television show on HBO. all right, I'll have to sacrifice you so you can go film your television show on HBO. It was like, I have to sacrifice you so you can go teach 101 and 201 on Saturday from noon to six.

And I was like, that is funny to think about. And then I was like, and by the way, then afterwards I have a show. And I'm not getting paid for said show. Yeah. That part, he was like, I remember him being like, well, you're always working. And I was like, well, I am not always working. I'm not working, you know, Wednesday all day until six. And he was like, that's not how normal people live. And I was like, well, why do why do your hours get to control our relationship? Why? Why? Why don't you need to

make any sacrifices to work around my schedule? Why do I only have to work around your schedule? And this was like, six years in. Wow, that took a very long time for that to come up well i don't do conflict well i see that i am glad that i am past the point in my career where i don't have to do as many shows yeah and as many like side hustles yeah because it took up so much of my time so like i would babysit during the day uh do shows at night and then on the weekends work at the ucb training center and then do shows at night so it's just this constant like leaving my house and me too except for instead of babysitting it was temping it's exactly the same it was exhausting it was exhausting. It was exhausting. And it was so unrenumerative.

Ooh, what's that word? Say that one again. Didn't pay well. I said unrenumerative. I don't really know if that's, I know renumerative does mean getting paid, but I don't know if unrenumerative is a word. I don't know. I'm going to put it in my pocket. I'll probably lose it and not use it later. Good, because it might be wrong. I want to use it later. When you were temping, did you like pretend to be a different person at every job? I would. I would be a full blown psychopath.

No, I was always like so afraid. I was always afraid. And but one time this temp job, it was like a high end law firm. But one time this temp job, it was like a high end law firm. And I showed up and all I had to do was like every morning I had to Xerox like a magazine that got some sort of whatever and hand it out to everybody. I was like, y'all are this rich and you can't just afford to get everybody this magazine anyway. And then I would just sit there and wait for like little tasks, like go get lunch because it's a blizzard, you know, because I don't want to go out. But then and I was getting paid $14 an hour and they came up to me and they said, you got to dress better. We've been getting complaints because you're just wearing like this looks like it's from the Gap, which it absolutely was. What is it, The Devil Wears Prada?

Like you can't wear Gap as a temp? I know. You're like, this is this season's Gap hoodie. I know. But I didn't pretend to be a different person. I just was like, okay, I'll try and do better. But then I just didn't. And then I just quit the job.

God, that is so rude to be like, can you dress better? Like who gives a shit what people wear? I know and it wasn't like I was wearing ripped jeans or anything. It was just that like I was wearing Gap khakis and a Gap polo shirt with a tie, like a button up with a tie, not a polo. They were like, you look like you work at the Gap. We want you to look like you work here. And it's like, I don't want to work here.

Exactly. And I'm not investing a lot of money in this. Temping confuses me. So when you temp, you sit at someone else's desk and then complete their tasks? It depends. Sometimes they bring you in to just do a special project. A lot of data entry. to just do a special project. A lot of data entry,

because I was temping at a big time when people would be moving from paper to electronic or whatever. So I did so much like Excel spreadsheets and things like that. That's too much. I had one employer asked me to do that and I fucked it right up and they said no more.

And that's when I learned at work, if you're bad at stuff, they'll stop asking you to do stuff. Wait, you didn't get fired? You just they just stopped asking you to do stuff? Uh-huh. I mean, granted, this was the UCB training center. And I famously said to Eric Chinoy, I don't know how to fax. And he goes, I could show you.

And I was like, well, if you could show me, can't you just do the fax? And he never asked me to fax a thing again. I should have just learned how to fax. I'm a terrible employee. Also, is it really complicated to fax? I don't know. I never learned. I still don't know how to fax a thing.

I think you passed to that. I don't think that's going to be a thing you need to learn at this point. Imagine faxing comes back. Wait, Jeff, real quick. We have to take another break. Okay, Jeff, I have more questions for you. Okay, so my assistant, Lindsay, she's very, very wonderful. She does the research on people for me.

What a dream, by the way. What a dream. It's great. It's so nice. She answers emails timely. People don't yell at me anymore. I think you'd like get one. Well, I need a little more money first, but yeah.

Get a part-time one. Share with a friend. All right. You could do that. Okay. So Lindsay wrote on this that you realize that your relationship with your now husband, Neil, was the real deal after a fight that you got into on Fire Island. Oh, that's true.

Wow. Yeah. Because I stayed. Okay. So we got in. Okay. So we were going to Fire Island. We were visiting his friends on Fire Island.

He was already there. And I got on the train to Fire Island. But then when you get there, then you have to take a little cab to the ferry. And then the ferry, it was like I got there at at like 11 and the ferry wasn't in the next ferry. It wasn't until one or something like that. And, um, so I called him to be like,

Oh, sorry. I didn't even think about this. And, and he was like, we'll go down to this other place, take that very, then once you get there,

take a water taxi to this place. And, um, I think you and I both know that I'm not capable of doing said thing. place take that ferry then once you get there take a water taxi to this place and um i think you and i both know that i'm not capable of doing said thing i mean you said all that stuff and i was like i don't even i don't know how i do that and so i just got there and i was like i can't do the water taxi so i'm just gonna walk down the beach because i looked at my phone and i could see that you could go that way and so i just started walking down the beach I was like which way did you go and I it took me forever I was like super sunburned I was like so thirsty and my mouth was dry I was carrying a big bag that food in it and stuff and I he finally came out to meet me and he finally came out to meet me and he was like,

hey, listen, you got to be more responsible. You got to like check these things out. You got to check and see when the ferry is after your train. And I just exploded and I was like, oh yeah, you want me to do that? You want me to just change?

Should I also start flying? Is that what you want me to do? I was like, you think my mother hasn't been saying shit like that to me for my entire life it's never gonna happen it's never gonna happen so if you want to be okay with me you're gonna have to know that that stuff is gonna happen and then i just started to walk away and he was like wait i'm sorry i'm sorry i i shouldn't have said that i wouldn't have thought to check for the ferry either it would come stay stay stay and and i did and i think i think the reason i stayed primarily is like i could not walk back all the way to that other thing but it was you were like i'm staying for the principle of my legs are tired. But in the end, I do feel like if I, my, like if that same fight had happened in Manhattan, I would have just left.

And I think I would have just been like, you're dead. You're gone. It's over. But because I had to stay and like, whatever, talk it out. That's what saved the marriage I love that I love that you know just because of circumstance it's like okay let's like try to work on communication as opposed to doing what I think everyone's kind of um baseline is it's just like cut somebody out to be like oh okay you made me mad goodbye right not me though oh baby you could

throw me down a flight of stairs and i'd get up and say did you did you trip or something but see i'm like that too i feel like there is going to be some weird thing where you're like oh this is it this is the trigger i was dating this guy and we would have like tiny little disagreements that didn't matter, but they mattered to him. So then I just started practicing in the mirror. I think you're right. Oh. Because it wasn't coming.

It wasn't coming. It wasn't rolling off the tongue. Because you couldn't fake it. You were so, you so didn't believe he was right because I was like you're wrong but if I just say you're right it goes away oh I'm so glad you're not with that person anymore

no because you can't just say well I guess we agree to disagree because sometimes people will be like well the reason and you're like oh no how do we end this how does this end and then it doesn't end it doesn't And you're like, oh, no. How do we end this? How does this end? And then it doesn't end.

It doesn't. Lindsay also wrote this down. This reminds me of my parents because my dad used to make my mom bread. So Neil makes homemade yogurt. And bread. And bread. Hollabread and French toast. Yeah. Yeah. That's every morning? bread. Yeah. Hullabread and French toast. Yeah.

Yeah. That's every morning? Um, no. No. No. But he, are you kidding? I can have French toast every morning. I just told you I need to be more regular.

I would be. Just really backed up. Just be like, like Brendan Fraser, except it was just full backed up. Just be like, like Brendan Fraser, except it was just full of poop. I would, he does make yogurt, but he doesn't have to do it every day. It lasts for like a week.

And he makes bread. He makes bread like two or three times a month. And we always have bread. That's nice. Yeah, it's nice. It's very, you know, homey and he was doing that pre-pandemic your house smell good oh okay i love a baking king the real frontier woman that's sweet yeah what's the thing you like doing the most together we in the morning we have coffee time. My friend Katie was like, she was like, my favorite

thing to do with my wife is have coffee time. And I was like, I just started drinking coffee when I turned 40. I never drank it before. And so now I like to talk about like pretending to be a different person. I like to sit on the couch and drink coffee with Neil and we talk about the night before. We talk about what we have to do for the day. We look out on our view. It's a little bit different now because we just, we got a dog

and you have to go walk him in the morning. But that's my favorite thing is just to sit on the couch and drink coffee. Is that not exciting enough? Listen, I am beyond myself with your relationship. It sounds nice. It sounds respectful.

It sounds caring. And it sounds like you like the mundane the most, which is living, which is, yeah i think what you should love like it's like oh i love vacationing with my spouse it's like but you only do that a couple times a year it's like you get to drink coffee every single day and have a nice time every single day jeff you've renewed my spirits about love i'm not reactivating my Tinder or whatever. I'm just, I can't right now. It's a little complicated, and we have to talk about a lot of shit,

and there's the times when I'm like, oh, shut up, you motherfucker. You know, so it's a thing. There you go. I worry about, like, falling in love with somebody and then just, like, waking up and being like, I think I hate you. You know what I mean? I do, and that, you know know because we had to decide to get married um because it all of a sudden became legal while we were five years into our relationship and i was like what if i wake up and i hate him

and then i just was like we'll get divorced that is very funny we'll just uh get divorced i was like my worst it was the worst i get a divorce lawyer it's fine exactly um my old roommate john milhiser moved in with his partner and i was like but what if you guys like break up and he's like then we'll not live together and i I was like, oh, okay. Simple answers to simple questions. Who proposed to who? You or Neil? Oh my God, Nicole.

It's not a romantic story. I'm not going to lie to you. We saw it come through on the TV and it was now legal, not only in California where I was living and New York where he was living, but also throughout the entire country where we were both living. And so I was like, I guess we should do it for like insurance and stuff. And he's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Like, like if if I'm if I'm dying and you need to come into the hospital. And I was like, yeah. And then really funny. And then on December 20th, right before the new year, because we wanted to get the tax incentives, we got married. And our very dear friend who happens to be a judge married us in his chambers. And there were like four people there.

And we went out to lunch and my friend Liz bought lunch. And I was like, thanks for paying for my reception. I don't know. I think that's kind of romantic. Okay, like not fully romantic, but like just like the long term planning. Like when I'm dying, I'd like you to be there. Right. Yeah.

No, you're right. And that's the kind of stuff that i love is the is the like i love being like hey let's let's think about like what time you're going to be home so that we can make sure that avon gets walked and i don't know i kind of like that well as i say that i'm like actually sounds kind of annoying but it's not i think a lot of people don't cherish the the simple things about a relationship just like the easy breezy like if you can sit with someone and like watch tv and like eat breakfast and like go for a walk and spend all day together just doing like dumb stuff and you're not tired of them like i

think that's a really beautiful thing yeah you're right i agree it's nice you're so lucky that you found neil does neil have um siblings he does he has uh a brother and a sister single no sorry okay neil is 12 years older than me and so like uh his sister is even older than that and so um we actually have an he has a nephew that's my age so it's a little weird neither of them are single either of them well one is but he's 16 is that too young is that too young? Is that too young? 16 is too young. I have nothing in common with a 16 year old. What are you taking the SATs? I didn't take them. So we have nothing to talk about.

That's the only reason. That's it. Wait, no, I did take the SATs. I didn't take the PSATs. And my mother was furious. I said, I'm going to be an actor. I don't need to know words. And she's like, it's more than words

you know i'm i was a fun kid also one of one could argue that the one thing you do need to know to be an actor is words jeff i think you are on to something that is fully correct hitting a mark and being full of words when did you guys decide to buy a dog? Or not buy a dog, get a dog? I don't know. Adopt. We adopted from a little rescue.

After we shot season two, Bridget, who's the lead of the show, she has a tiny dog. And Mary Catherine, who plays her sister, also has a tiny dog. And I was around these tiny dogs and I just really wanted a dog. And when we came back, Neil attacked getting a dog in the same way that I attacked dating. He was like on every adoption place. It was really hard. It's really hard to get a small dog in New York City. You have to, we had to drive to like Pennsylvania to get her. It's hard to get a small dog a lot of places. Clyde's small and I just happened to find him. I was sick and I was like, I need something to love me.

So I went and got a dog. How many pounds is he? He's a little fat. He's now 14 and a half pounds. He's supposed to be 13, 12 and a half to 13. But he's been munching. Same thing happened with Yvonne.

Yvonne's two. I gotta treat her for all her tricks. So she was 11 and now she's 12. Oops. I guess I gotta just take him on more walks that's how dogs lose weight or do i feed him less or do i put him on ozempic i'm kidding i'm absolutely kidding but imagine oh my god a little puppy ozempic face is so cute it was oh oh oh oh that didn't work out i was trying to do the ozempic jingle with a bark and it really just failed oh boy oh boy i didn't know there was an ozempic jingle yeah well when i sing it it sounds like o'reilly's auto parts but it's like

oh o ozempic no i'm that O'Reilly's auto parts. I don't know. Oh, oh, oh, Zempik. No, I'm doing it wrong. I don't know. I'm tone deaf. Oh, boy. Jeff, this was delightful. Thank you so much for doing this episode.

Thank you for having me. I had a lot of fun. Do you have any... Oh, wait wait I usually ask all my guests this I've been forgetting lately because I don't know I'm just like a dizzy fucking bitch my head is spinning everything's going on

okay Jeff would you date me I absolutely would oh what a treat thank you I would date you too I would walk in the room and I would not walk out. That is the nicest thing anybody's ever said to me. You gotta tell Neil to talk to you nicer.

I'm kidding. I'm sure he says lovely things all day long. Oh my God. You guys are probably so romantic. Oh, I love it. Okay, Jeff, I'm like romanticizing your relationship that I know very little about. I'm like, oh my God, they make bread. They have coffee.

They love each other. Dogs, cats, love, kisses. I know. When I told you the least romantic wedding proposal in history and you were like, that's beautiful. I'm like, I don't think it is. I think I'm in a mood right now where any sort of kindness is like sexy to me. Like my favorite genre of porn right now is couples who seem to love each other. Oh, I totally get that.

Yes, me too. I'm just like, oh boy, they look like they had a nice time and they're hugging after there's aftercare. I'm here for that. I know. Or like when you when like when like couples like, yeah, that are real couples and they film it and they kind of talk in the middle of it. Yes. Oh, that's nice. This is nice.

I'm waiting for one where in the middle it's like, did you go to the grocery store? I want the nitty gritty of a relationship. Okay, Jeff, we've come to the end. Do you have anything that you would like to promote? Yes, I do which I never do when I'm on a podcast so this is so exciting to me I have season 2 of

somebody somewhere coming to HBO and HBO max on April 23rd yeah everybody watch it because it's you and Bridget Everett and she's so funny and she's so wonderful I oh what did I see it live or was it taped I don't know she was swinging her titties at Joe's pub and she like sat on someone's face and I was like that's a lady I need to know about

you do have similar comedy aesthetic I agree I was like I love this it was like because she's a little older than me so i was like oh so i never have to stop doing what i'm doing i can just you know age gracefully and swing my little titties swinging tits okay jeff thank you okay if you like this episode of why won't you take me you can like it you can rate it you can subscribe you can give me five stars on apple podcast and then if you write a review no if you write something nasty hitting on me to why won't you date me podcast at gmail.com no dick pics mars she's the one who goes through them um i will read it okay this person, these are getting longer and longer. I'm trying to find a little short one.

Okay, there are none. Okay, hi, Nicole. In case Delta CEO Ed Bastian, I'm obsessed with him, listens to this show, I'm going to warn you that this nasty message involves him, so stop listening, Ed, if you want. I want big sky daddy Bastian to take you and me on a private delta jet and plow you so hard that the jet loses control and rocks all around while i watch i will have forgotten to buckle my seat belt so uh then the motion will

make my make me bump my head and i pass out out momentarily. You're still going to be going at it until both of your fluids spatter everywhere with some landing on me. I'll wake up and realize that I got your liquids on me. What a way to phrase this. That got your liquids on me. Then go to the laboratory to clean up, but slip on some of the substance and fall and hit my head again.

I'll wake up all alone on an empty jet in the middle of nowhere, realizing that you and bastion abandoned me but hey that's the life of a third wheel right this was sad also this is a person who's not used to talking about like come and squirting and stuff Yeah, you can say jizz, cum, semen even, squirt, fluid, substance. I love this one, but it was very sad for you. I think you should resubmit one where you have a happy ending. Me too. Right? By the way, I used to fly American and I switched to Delta because of you and Bridget. Yes! Diamond diva! You'll become...

Okay, why were you flying American? I don't know. I got a card that had a lot of miles on it. You could get a Delta card with miles on it. I did! Listen, good. Because American's lounge at LAX is disgusting. I had never been on one i just i just flew to la and i got to stay in the lounge and i got to sleep in the pods it was delicious oh isn't that lovely yes and the little the little thing said someone somewhere and you know the show's called somebody somewhere i was like it's meant to be it's beshared it's meant to be i should be here it's my pod jeff real quick before you go

i know you have a hard out but i have to promote my live show i'm doing a live episode of why won't you date me this podcast april 5th at 7 30 p.m at the elysian in los angeles if you aren't in la you can watch it live streamed anywhere in the world from dubai to canada and it'll be it'll be available as a video on demand for two weeks after get the live stream tickets at moment.co slash date me or check out the episode description for details is that the first time you read that? Yes. That's it for Why Won't You Date Me? With me, Nicole Byer.

Why Won't You Date Me? is produced and engineered by, oh, the sweetest woman I know, Marissa Melnick. It is executive produced by other wonderful people, Adam Sachs, Joanna Solotaroff, and Jeff Ross.

Thanks for listening. I love you. Thank you so much. We'll be seeing you next Friday with a brand new episode. What a dream. What a dream. Ha ha ha. This has been a Team Coco production.