Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Marrying Your High School Sweetheart (w/ Adam Pally)

Episode Date: March 3, 2023

Comedian Adam Pally (101 Places to Party Before You Die, Who Invited Charlie?) chats with Nicole about why an easy relationship is a often sign of a good one, marrying his high school sweetheart, and how the both of them broke Steve Harvey on the set of Celebrity Family Feud. Plus, what's it like filming with Sonic the Hedgehog? Nicole is dying to know.  Write to Nicole! Submit your dirty pick-up lines, dating stories, or questions to [e-mail] for a chance to have it read on-air. Follow Nicole Byer: Twitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerMerch: podswag.com/datemeNicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Ooh, baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me, a podcast where me and Nicole Byer tries to figure out why I'm still single. Even though I could cough right in your mouth and you'd say,

hey, I love that germ. My guest today is a comedian and actor from 101 Places to Party Before You Die, Happy Endings, and my genuine favorite movie franchise, Sonic the Hedgehog. Also, his new film, Who Invited Charlie, is now streaming. Also, you might have seen him on an episode of Family Feud that I also was on. It's Adam Pally! Thank you for having me so much. That was a great introduction. Listen, I have all the energy.

I've been awake since 10 a.m. Oh, my God. How do you do it? I don't know. I don't know. You know, I remember that episode of Family Feud, and it's like, it is legendary to me. It's one of the funniest things

I've ever seen was when John Gemberling made Steve Harvey break for like what seemed like 15 minutes it seemed like we had to take like a time out you also you said a joke that stays in my heart for a long time um the question was where do you take a child kicking and screaming and you said planned parenthood steve and the audience didn't like that and then steve was like that was funny that's what comedy is you tow the line or you figure out stuff but that was funny and i was like i love that he reprimanded the audience for not liking an abortion joke yeah also it wasn't a great joke i mean i don I don't know. Where do you take a child kicking his, it's funny. Yeah.

But like the truth, but like when you get to the heart of the joke, it's like, what would happen if I brought a 10 year old to parenthood? They'd just like make me come get it. You know, like they're not going to kill it. It wasn't like a well-crafted joke. Like. I don't know. In my mind, it was a late term abortion joke. It was that, for sure.

Do you remember Gemberling's thing that made him break? I don't remember exactly, but I just remember Steve took a lap. That's so funny that we both have these memories from that day. It was a surreal day. Yeah, it was wild. The question was, you're camping and you run out of toilet paper. What do you use to wipe? And obviously, everyone ran through everything.

It was getting pretty low. And they got to gambling. And he's just in that little cherubic troublemaker voice he does. He just goes, a squirrel. Yes, a squirrel. A squirrel. A squirrel. A squirrel. Yes, a squirrel. A squirrel. A squirrel. And Steve Harvey, like, had to mentally take a break because he was, like, in his head.

And, like, he was going, he was like, is it alive? And, like, I remember John being like, depends how you catch it. Could be, yes. And Steve was like, oh my God, oh my God. That was a good, fun day. That was a really, it was a highlight of my entertainment career. I agree. Nothing will top being on Family Feud.

Steve is the best. He's so genuinely funny. So funny. Like, there are a few people, I feel like, you must feel this way too, like, after what we've been through and seen,

there are a few people that I'm like, okay, you're funny. Like, most people, I'm like, you're genuinely funny.

Yeah, most people, even like the top tier level of comedian, most of them, I'm like, good, congratulations.

Very smart thought. Because he writes jokes every day. For hours, he's writing jokes. And they're all good. And performs them with artistry, never missing a beat, never misspeaking. Everything is

crisp and clean. It's like, the dude is just on another level. He really is. Boy, I could talk about Steve Harvey all day. I wouldn't necessarily want to work in his office. No, but he's a busy man, so I get the rules. He's a busy guy. I get don't talk to me.

Don't talk to me. Make an appointment. Yeah, make an appointment. I did appreciate that part, make an appointment. I liked it. People gave him flack for that. I was like, that sounds appropriate. Yeah, he's a very busy man.

even flagged for that i was like that sounds appropriate it's like the don't look me in the eye it's the don't look me in the eye stuff that like always gets like trickles down to the lowest form of of entertainment where people are like everybody deserves eye contact and so the truth is like i don't know if that's true well my whole thing about it is i've been in rooms of famous people where you find yourself staring at them. So I think that like no eye contact thing is like, please stop staring at me. I guess so. You're very you're so right about that, too. I mean, because he is so ubiquitous.

He's everywhere. So famous that I can imagine that there are like interns that are just like, Oh, it's Steve. I'm not doing my job right now, and I don't know what to do, and I'm just staring at him. And he's like, just don't look at me. Yeah, I know. But also, it's okay, though.

There's also, like, there should be some empathy from the boss as well. I mean, I feel very conflicted about all of it. You know what I mean? Like, you don't want to be in a place where it's like you're scared of the guy i don't know you don't like ellen type vibes you know you know i've heard rumors i right i don't know this is all hearsay who knows ever um okay i have a question when did you decide to become an actor? Is it because you're a nepo baby?

Your parents were in a vaudeville-esque band that would tour the Catskills. Did that help you get a career in acting? I don't think I was a nepo baby because they never made it. Epobaby because they never made it. So it was more like it was more like seeing what you could, it's like, oh, if I stick with it, I see how

I could use the talent that I've kind of been given from the two of them. And maybe I can get there. So it was kind of like that. And definitely psychologically, like get their love and approval. Isn't that what we all want?

Just love and approval from our parents? I've been thinking about that a lot lately and I think yes. Wait, are you from New Jersey? I went to high school in New Jersey, yeah. I didn't know that. Where in Jersey? Livingston.

Where's that? It's like 20 minutes outside the city. Oh, okay. So North Jersey. My favorite part about people from Jersey or have lived in Jersey, they don't know any part of Jersey except the part they grew up in. I grew up in Middletown, which is like Monmouth County, middle of Jersey. I have no idea what's north or south.

Yeah, I don't know anything about Monmouth County. I don't even think I went there to like... I don't even think i've ever been there i i i uh i moved around a lot as a kid because like when i i was born so i was like eight years old my parents were were actors and and and vaudeville act so we lived in stuyvesant town and in new york. So like that, and then when they decided they were going to like go legit, my dad went to medical school and with two kids. So he moved everybody to Chicago because he got into the University of Chicago,

which is like a really good medical school. So we all, so like from eight to 12, I lived in Chicago in Skokie. And then after his residency, he got a job in a hospital in Florham Park and opened up a practice there. So we moved to Livingston, New Jersey when I was 13. So I moved around a lot. I was the new kid a lot. How was that?

Do you think that's why you developed a sense of humor? What a dumb question. Did it suck? Did it suck to be the new kid all lot how was that do you think that's why you developed like a sense of humor what a dumb question did it suck did it suck to be the new kid all the time yeah i mean it sucked i mean it it's it sucked i mean like the worst was when you went to like a new public school because like uh especially in jersey or like it's like i'm the new kid, but I'm also like a precocious, good looking Jew. So like it's like you also have to deal with that, which was like a lot. So, you know, you just like you've been developed like a hard shell of like jokes and stuff. You know what I mean? So, OK, you said it a good looking jute so

were you slaying pussy in high school yes did you like really so you had like a ton of girlfriends and stuff in high school i didn't have a ton of girlfriends but i i actually i so my wife it is my high school girlfriend wait really i really? I didn't know that. Yeah, and she's a year older than me. Ooh, an older woman. Yes, and it was a big deal. But then she went to college, and I went to college, and we went our separate ways.

And then when we moved back to New York shortly after that, we started dating again. So wait, so you went to college, she went to college, and then you both just like landed in New York and were like, oh shit. Yeah. And then started dating again. Oh my God. That's like really fucking sweet.

It's really sweet. Yeah. So wait, how long have you guys been together? A long time. We'll be married like 15 years. 15 years. Yeah. But I'm old. That's so nice. I'm old. How old are you? years. 15 years? Yeah. But I'm old.

That's so nice. I'm old. How old are you? 42. I'll be 42. That's not that old. I don't know how old I am. I know I'm still in my 30s.

Not that old? It's not that old. You took a beat. You could be like older. Nicole, you took a beat. It's not that old. You took a beat. Like, you could be, like, older. Nicole, you took a beat. It's not that old. You took a beat. Listen, you could be, like, 50 or 60 or dead.

Yeah, I could be. I'd be dead before those numbers, most likely. But still, you took a long beat. Sorry. Yeah, no, that's the way it goes. So when did you know that your wife was the one? Oh, for me, it was easy. But I had it easy.

Like I knew and then I kind of always knew and then I got to know again. So it was... That's nice. Yeah, it was easy. I mean, because you have all that stuff where it's like your high school girlfriend, you fall in love.

You're like, oh my God, I love this person. Like, you know. I mean, because you have all that stuff where it's like your high school girlfriend, you fall in love. You're like, oh, my God, I love this person. Like, you know what I mean? And then you like you go through breakups and stuff. But for the most part, there's a lot of like good feelings there, you know. And then when you start dating again, for us, it just like felt so easy. And it was like, oh, this is how it's supposed to go. I like the word easy because I feel like sometimes people stay in relationships that are really, really hard. Not that relationships aren't work, but I feel like there has to be some sort of ease to it.

Otherwise, it's like, well, why am I staying in this if it's so fucking hard usually it's because it's the sex is good in that reason yeah that is a good reason to stick around only reason to stick around or there's like codependency but usually even that is involved in the sex like so to me like there there needs to be an E like, not that our relationship is easy. It's, it's certainly not. And life is so complicating. I think the, the good thing about our relationship and the reason it's managed to like last a little bit is because we take it easy. And so like, there's not a ton of drama. Our kids create drama and stuff in our families,

but between us, everything is, when it's good, it's easy. Mm-hmm. How many kids do you have? You have three, right? Three, yeah. That's so many kids. It's a lot of kids. Do you feel crazy sometimes? I feel insane.

It's a lot of kids. I mean, it's not like ryan reynolds amount of kids but it's like it's the same amount i had it's a lot of kids it's a lot of kids do you ever feel like a little brain dead because you've just been talking to children all day no i don't talk to them i don't even know their names I've never met my children I don't talk to them no I mean we have enough nannies in school

and my wife certainly shares the brunt of it that I don't feel insane for that reason I do feel insane sometimes like like luckily I get to go to work and stuff so I get to keep a certain like adult focus but I do feel insane sometimes on the weekends when there's nothing for me to do and everything is geared around them. By the time Sunday night comes around you do feel a little bit like, aren't I, like, famous?

Aren't I doing well? Don't people respect me? I'm on television. Aren't I, like, a little bit rich? Like, what the fuck am I doing? You know? Yeah, I don't think I could have kids specifically because I feel like you have to give up a lot for them.

You do. Or like enough. I don't know. You have to be a good parent. And I don't think I want to do that. No, I certainly don't want to do it anymore. The good news is I don't think I have so much time left. Not because they're getting old because I'm probably going time left. But I, not because they're getting old, because I'm probably going to die.

But I like it. For me, again, I've been around a while and had a lot of ups and downs. And I know what I'm, I like having people that need me. Okay, fair. It's very good for me and it feels good to have people that need me because left to my own devices, I am kind of like a black hole. You know, I think a lot of people are like that where if they surround themselves with like

good people nice people people who are positive it kind of keeps them out of you know getting into yeah a black hole or like a funk or whatever i'm kind of like that like i have to remember to be like because i live alone now um i have to remember like reach out to people text people like don't just sit in your house and like really fucking grind your gears about like why you're not auditioning as much as the next person or whatever all that stuff is pretty tough for me like i especially and we spend a lot of time alone you know just in our jobs we do and so uh that time alone is like enough for me. So, you know what I mean? Like when I get, when I'm not alone, I do, sometimes it's hard work because I am, you know, slightly sociopathic and slightly detached in my real life, oddly. I feel like it takes a lot of work to like clock in and be like, I'm here, I'm present, I'm dad.

I'm like, you know, this is all for you. And I know it and I'm in the background. And then I get enough of like myself, the fill of me at work, which I think might be not true for other people. For me, it's pretty true. Like, I mean, I don't have a family or anything, but I like feel the happiest when i'm at work and then when i'm at home it's like oh it's time to just like decompress or like be feel the

feelings i want to feel i was saying some of the other i think gabriel was like he he was saying that he wants to when this is all done like when he's older he just wants to like live on an island and and and see the water every day and like have enough money that's what i want and i was like i don't want that i want to die on set oh really yep i like i love love work i love it i think it's the most fun thing to do ever no matter what it is and it's so finite all these jobs are so finite even the longest ones don't last so it's like you just do them and that feeling of them being of like doing the work and having being over is so fulfilling that like i just want to die on set i just want to be like playing like an old cowboy and then all of a sudden they're like,

Adam hasn't moved. They like poke me. I fall off the horse. It's like that's how I want to go. I love that you're dying on a horse. Yeah, on a western. What's going on? This is weird.

Once I get like real, once I get like pickled, you know, the only jobs for me will be like grandpa on a western that like clint eastwood shit yeah clint far eastwood jerusalem eastwood that's funny i love working but i do want to like die on an island but i do want to like commute from my island to work i don't ever stop stop working. But I'd love to take little breaks, go back to the States,

go back to my island, go back to the States. That seems fun for me. Of course, yeah. I like a vacay. I like a luxurious vacay, just like the next dude. But even on three, four days for Like, I really love being involved. I like, like, I don't know. I like it.

I like the job. I don't think I would if it was a different job. I think if it was like, if I didn't get to set and they weren't like, oh, Mr. Pally, I would be like, uh, this job sucks. Why am I doing this? Yeah. The way they treat extras, I'm like,

I don't think I can do that. Oh, my God, no. They're so mean to the extras sometimes. They're so mean to the background. I'm like, guys, we could be nicer. We should be nicer because every background artist, like, at least in L.A. It probably doesn't happen in other places, but in Los Angeles, the background artists have such a distinct look. the background artists have such a distinct look yes it's like they all are one crazy click off and they all move to hollywood because they are like talented maybe like maybe they're actors

like a lot of them aren't actors and so that's why it's so they're good at that's why they're in la that's why people use the same background But when you like get two feet away from them, even the energy or like something in their face or eyes, you're like, whoa, you're fucking nuts. It's just like a little disarming. Hey, oh, you're fucking crazy. All right. Never mind. That's when you do like Steve Harvey. You're like, never mind.

Don't look at me. Can you tell me? OK, i genuinely love the sonic movies like i thank you it was okay so sonic one i saw at my house and i cried like four times because i really just identified with moving too fast and not being able to make friendships last. Yes. No, Sonic, if you have ADHD. Yes. That's what it was. I was like, it felt like a metaphor for my ADHD.

It is. And I was like, I feel seen. And then the second one, I dragged someone. So the person I was dating, I was dating this guy for a little bit and i made him watch the first one it took i don't know five days for us to get through it because he kept falling asleep

and then i was like okay i know but we made it through and i was like now we gotta go see the second one so we went and saw it and it was me and this 10 year old behind me having the time of our lives like we were howling and like laughing like knee slapping no i know the guy i was dating was like honestly i don't think i've been happier because i've never seen you happier that's really nice sweet line yeah yeah no i love them they're great they're like the most fun job to uh to work on and i'm so lucky that i keep being given like more and more to do uh because truly it started with like one of those like small small parts where you i really was like look at that blue thing you know and now i'm like in the franchise it's great and now you got a bunch of seeds and it's great okay when you here's a question when you interact with sonic

what are you actually talking to they have it's changed in the first one it was a like um ball on a stick basically like a tennis ball and in the second one you know we had a little time off because of the pandemic and the technology had gotten a little better so there was like a three-dimensional doll similar to what they had on Star Wars that it didn't move by itself. So it's not like a Sonic doll? It is a Sonic doll. I mean, it looks like Sonic and Knuckles and Tails, like, to a T.

But they don't move, so they, like, set them up on a thing. And they're there, so you're talking to them. You know, they're not like... Like, in Star Wars, that Baby Yoda would move. And that was dope. Wait, Baby Yoda moves? and they're there so you're talking to them you know they're not like like in star wars that baby yoda would move and that was dope wait baby yoda moves yeah baby yoda moves i thought that was all cg no it's like a guy like when they first showed it to us they were like check this out and we're like in a corner of the studio they're like on did the bag and the baby yoda was like

we were like whoa and then there was and then there was like a little like stubby bald dude, like stuck his head out the back with like a remote control. It was like pretty cool. Huh? We were like, awesome. That's very funny. God,

I just movies. Okay. I like the older I get, the more I'm like movies are actual magic. I was watching like some like behind the scenes of titanic which is such an old movie but the water rushing through the hallway was a miniature just like a little itty bitty model that they put water but when they filmed it it looked big and i was like boy that's magical that's Like, I love that stuff. I really do get like, I'm like, and I am also jaded.

It's like I managed to be both of those things. Like, sometimes I will show up and I'll see like an enormous set, some big budget movie, and I'm hungover on a Monday. And I'm like, fuck this call time. You know, like, fuck this. I'll walk in and be like, you really need me here at the same time as the ladies? You know, like, fucking just like, fuck, like, bad mood. And then sometimes you'll

show up, and you'll be like on the Disney like, reservoir or wherever, and like, and it'll be dressed as like 1780, and you'll be like, there's like a spaceship that lands, and you'll be like, wow, I really am in the picture. I love my job. This is great.

Yeah, I shot at Universal and Universal has like a ton of like old sets still set up. And every day I was like, this is fucking cool. Yeah, I love shooting. For like four months, I was like like i get to work at fucking universal this is awesome i love shooting at universal yeah we shot mini project at universal and it was like the first stop like you it was the stage five or four so it's like right there by the gate and so it would be it would be awesome to be like in your trailer at the morning and you'd hear like the tour go by and be like and that's the the morning and you'd hear like the tour go by and be like, and that's the Mindy Project.

So I'd like run out to get coffee and they'd be like, hey, look, it's Adam Pally. And then I'd be like. Whenever they were like, Nicole Byer, people would be like, that's nice. And I'd be like, yes, none of you people know who I am. And it's fine. Just watch our fucking show. Yeah, I know. They don't know.

But like I've done that Universal ride. You don't know anybody you're like you're like they're like ladies and gentlemen bud hirsch you're like who you're like oh bud hirsch okay all right cool great where's the giant shark is here is this gonna light on fire like what the hell um there was a sonic 2 poster it was eight feet tall, and it was on the side of one of the sound stages, and they had taken it down because it was a couple months after the, I guess, yeah, months after the movie had come out,

so they were switching it out, and then I tried to take it home. I don't know where I was going to put it in my, it's eight fucking feet tall. Are you in your home right now? I am. I'm trying to think if there's room for it in this room. I don't know how tall the ceilings are.

I do have a space where there's nothing on that wall. It's behind my stripper pole. And that's where I was going to put it. But I should have measured this. And then I just couldn't fit it in my Jeep. You strapped it to the top. I should have, and now I regret it she's small strap it to the top I should have and now I regret it because it would be great

to like come over to your house like a party and just have an 8 foot sonic poster this is like the room I hang out in the poles over there if you want a drink grab it you're like hey i have a question hey um why do you do you do you love soft like what what is this just shot in the dark you like the sonic movies huh just a little bit wait adam we have to take a break okay adam we're back okay so you've been in a relationship we gotta get

back to relationships you have a matching tattoo with your wife uh we have a couple we like to go get tattooed together that's sweet i like that yeah it's hot it's hot. It's like, you know. Do they have like meanings or are they just like random shit that you're like, I don't know, this will be funny? They used to have meaning. Like we got for our kids and stuff like that and then like for dead parents and stuff. And then now

it's just like kind of like you want to go stay a night at a hotel and get fucked up and get tattooed and then have sex and think we're young it's like yeah let's do that that sounds like a nice time and think we're young

just after sex it's like we're young right that's what I'm thinking it's like oh you're so old I can't breathe she's like Adam Adam are you okay? I'm not on a horse yet I'll be fine I can't breathe. She's like, Adam. Okay. Adam, are you okay? You're not on a horse yet.

I'll be fine. I'll be fine. Okay, Adam, you've had a successful relationship for 15 years. How does me, a lady who's never had a successful relationship for any years, months, or days, how do I get one? Well, I don't know. I mean, I feel like the definition of successful is very tough to nail down when it's followed by the word relationship. The fact that you're not in one of those relationships right now and miserable means that they were all kind of like a little bit successful because you're either out and you learn something or you were in and it was good. Maybe I'm looking at it

from someone who's still in the same one for 15 years, but I would feel like for my past relationships, some were bad, some were good, that they were all okay because I'm not in them now. Oh my god. Do you go to therapy? I do a lot. That was like very much like something like my therapist that says something very similar. She's like, it's successful because you've learned from it. She's like, just because you're not in it doesn't mean you're not She's like, it's successful because you've learned from it. She's like, just because you're not in it doesn't mean you're not successful or whatever. I'm trying to work on that for everything, not just, you know, relationships.

But I think it's probably true. You know, like, it's hard to see when you're in it. But, like, the hardest failure is the time that you're at the most unhappy. Because nothing in life is finite. So that's like the biggest failure in your life is when you're at your most unhappy. So like the fact that you're not there now means that it's probably a pretty good relationship. Okay. That makes me feel a little bit better.

That's what I would say. What's the worst date you've ever been on? Oh, I went on a date in Los Angeles early on in my career. I was broken up with my wife and she didn't know that it was a date. we had gone to college together at university of Arizona for a little bit. And then we lost touch. And I, I reached out to her when I was in LA and alone. And she was like, yeah, let's,

let's go out. So I like invited her to use a UCB show maybe. And we went to birds and then she, um, her boyfriend met us. Oh no. Yeah. Oh,

no. oh no yeah oh no yeah it was toughy toughy for a lamb I was like and there was like no mention of it and we were like pretty flirty and so like

it either must have been going really bad and it wasn't her boyfriend that that that's the other thing that it could have been i kept i kept being like like a friend that she's like just pretend to be my boyfriend yeah it's like sos you know uh which like i can't imagine that it was that bad i I mean, I did like scarf down the food. She was like, oh my god, he eats too fucking fast. He's gonna have like indigestion. She's like, what am I looking at? Jesus Christ, this monster.

Let me fucking invite my friend. You've eaten with me. There's not a lot of space to breathe. Like, it might have, it takes a person to love me to sit and break bread, you know. But it was a tough moment. And I was like 21. And, oof, felt really bad.

Yeah. That fucking sucks. It stung. It stung. Yeah. I don't know what I would do. I guess be chill and then later be like, I walk into the ocean? Well, that's what it was like.

I was going to do a show. And so we met before. And then I was like, okay. I can't remember if they went to the show. They might have gone to the show. That's more upsetting. Yeah. I think they went to the show.

And then after. And I didn't tell anybody. And after the show, I walked out and they told me. I remember being like, yikes. They were like, I loved the show. It's like, great. I'm glad. I was like, cool. I was like, there's so much wrong with myself. I need to like, I misread so many things.

But that is interesting. Like, I was dating somebody who we like got into a fight before the show. And they were like, well, now I feel bad because you're gonna have a bad show. And I was like, no, I'm not. I was like, we could fight up until I get on stage and I'll have a great show. I'll even have a better show, maybe. How egotistical of people to believe that we're that influential. This is our job. That's what they do for a living. It's like being like doctors dating a doctor. You can't go to work.

We're fighting. The man won't live. Like, come on. I can't operate. my wife yelled at me about the trash again yeah it's like it's so degrading when people think that about our jobs they literally think like well anybody could do it yeah um and it's really interesting that people think that one of my favorite shows darcy and stacy it's on tlc you've probably never seen it but it's okay one of the guys on the show was trying to be a model and the people at the modeling place were like you have no personality you have no charisma right and i think people think modeling is just like standing but i'm like no you have to look comfortable in the clothes you have to like show charisma through a picture i was like that's one of the hardest

fucking things to do modeling Modeling is so hard. I mean, I have such a hard time getting my picture taken. Any of those red carpet things are just a mess for me. I like to look cool, so it's not like I don't care. I want to look cool, so the fact that I get out there and I'm like, hands in the face, like I don't know what to do with my hands. Like sometimes I'm wearing sunglasses and then they're like, take the sunglasses off.

And you're like, what? You're like, oh, okay. But that's my protection from you. Yeah, like I'm just a mess. So like it's truly an ironic thing that I want those pictures to be so good. And they always are so bad. I made a very conscious effort to never try to be sexy. Cause I was like,

I don't think I'm inherently set. I think I'm a sexy person. I don't think it's like, I don't think I ooze and smolder or whatever. So I was like, if I just go for funny and happy, I think those pictures will look nice. Right. So that's what I try to do. Yeah. I should do for funny and happy, I think those pictures will look nice. Right.

So that's what I try to do. Yeah, I should do that. Because I am in this weird thing where it's like, don't smile. Then I end up looking like I have something in my gullet. Yeah, smile. Oh. Then I smile and I'm like, nothing's right. Everything's terrible.

I don't know how I got here. You're talented. You is funny. You is smart. Thank you. You is nice. Thank you for doing the voice memo live. I still listen to that all the time.

Do you? No, no, no. Have you, okay, here's a question. Have you seen, I think her name is Ariana DeBose, her BAFTA opening rap? I saw it. I can't stop thinking about it. Me either.

I actually also saw the behind the scenes. Did you see the behind the scenes of her getting ready? Getting ready and doing it. And doing it. And then Angela Bassett did the thing. Someone was like, slay. Yeah. You know she's not going to.

But she's British. Like, maybe, maybe it did slay in England. Live? Or in England. Like, maybe that is slaying. Like, I don't know. Like, you know how, like, British rappers talk about knives? They do? Yeah, because there's no guns. Oh, because they don't have guns. know like you know how like british rappers talk about knives like it's like maybe that

yeah because there's no guns oh because they don't have guns for whatever reason that makes me so happy that british rappers rap about knives Trapper's rapid-bound knives. God, that's so fucking funny. Yeah. That's like... Maybe, yeah. So maybe it did... Maybe the Angela Bassett line, like maybe that's like people...

Angela Bassett did a thing. Did a thing. She was doing like a Nicki Minaj. That was her Nicki Minaj section. That's what it seemed like she was trying to do. Boy, oh boy. You didn't read that to you? It has brought me so...

It did nothing red. I was like, I have no idea what my friend is going for. Nothing truly makes sense, top to bottom. Did you see Lizzo also did it live? No, she did. This is... did it live no she did this is oh what a treat for when we end that i get to see this that is so fucking funny i she like deactivated her twitter but i was like we all love this friend like she deactivated oh no because

people were like Criticizing it But I was like But in the funniest way possible But like that's what that is I was like all of the memes are funny But that's what it is Like Billy Crystal Like no one like liked those opening songs

No one like put those songs on their Walkman They laughed at him They were like Look at this old schmo Look at this old man Yeah like It's funny. Angela Bassett did a thing.

Viola Davis is my woman king. Oh, God. Just perfect. I wonder how long it's going to bring me joy for. The shoulder to the hip, though. Also, like, it was, like, not, it was choreographed. And she can clearly, she's obviously a very good dancer. But it was so staccato.

My favorite is she has an Oscar for musical theater. And she was like, I'm going to really show you something. But who directed that? It definitely wasn't Lin. The perfect person. It definitely wasn't Lin. Lin-Manuel Panda was not. No.

Nowhere to be found. Had nothing to do with it. Nowhere to be found on BAFTA night. Okay. I have a question. Okay. After. Okay.

No, here's the question. You performed at UCB for like like, such a long time. Did women, like, throw themselves at you? No. No? No? You didn't have any chuckle fuckers? That's wild to me.

No, I had a few, like, fans, maybe, that were, like, you know, the normal crazies that, that everybody kind of had, but no, I didn't, I didn't, I feel like I was already like working when that, like when the school became so big that there were so many people that that could actually be a thing. Like, I feel like I was already gone. You know, like, the people coming to see my shows were, like, legit dorks. And, like, you know, like, Jewish women who had just graduated Syracuse

and, like, were living in Murray Hill and looking for a doctor husband. And, like like the place to find them was at like Schwartz and Pally shows you know really yeah truly that's very funny I love that so much we had a we had such a specific audience you know it was like truly it was like young Jews what a treat I love it. That's the cheapest birthright. You just go see Callie and Schwartz. I'm sure there are couples that met at hot sauce shows. And I'm sure Gil would marry them if they wanted.

I would go to a wedding officiated by Gil. That would just be a real treat. I would be scared. God, he's so funny. Oh, my God. I'd be scared. He did a bit at my Largo show the other night that was truly the most deranged, one of the most deranged things I've ever seen in my life.

But it was so funny. The audience was dying. But like the psychology of it, like if you were to really sit back and go like, what was that? I think you'd be terrified. I love that. Me too. I feel like

a lot of comedy is not like that anymore I feel like I saw a lot of shit back in the day that I was like boy oh boy that was absolutely deranged but what a treat I loved it yeah no me too to me Gil is the funniest person

I've ever met I think you know like how how people talk about like legends they're like oh this person's so funny this i i think he is maybe the funniest to come out of all that and the and the weirdest yeah i agree i think he's so fucking funny he's like a joy to watch there's so many people that I find so intensely funny who don't work as often as I think they should or they like write where I'm like you should be performing

as well like you're so fucking funny Gil was young Larry David in Curb Your Enthusiasm in Curb Your Enthusiasm guess what I've never seen a single episode, which is bad.

Uh, I haven't seen those episodes specifically out of spite, but I hear he was great. Um, you were like, that was my job. No, no,

I turned it down. Uh, uh, uh, he, he, he works. He works. He was on that Kenya Barra show for a while. What I'm saying is more. I think you should be

in tons and tons of stuff. Me too. I think you should be. It's hard though for a very small Israeli. It's tough. It's like, where are you going to play? You know, like, I guess like, I'm trying to think like, what would an Israeli play right now? Like, I don't know, like Diamond Salesman?

Diamond Salesman? Anything. No, anything. No, Nicole. To death with stereotypes. Dismantle Hollywood. That's how I feel, but it's still cool to be weird with Jews. It's okay.

It's still cool to be weird with Jews, is the clip people are going to pull from this podcast. Good. As long as they pull something it is i give everybody permission it's fine we'll figure it out real quick real quick we gotta take a break so after you were on tv did the ladies then start throwing themselves at you? A little bit. I mean, not like, not like, I also, I also don't have like the vibe. I rarely get recognized like in the, in the streets.

Rarely. Oh. If at all, if ever. So it would have to be like online or something. And even then it's like creep. I like try to keep it away from me because I find it to be creepy. And a lot of it. And I get more dude love than I think I do women like chick love, which is great.

That's nice. Yeah. So no, not really. I never had anyone throw themselves at me i find this so wild because i feel like comedy men usually have like just a plethora of uh chuckle fuckers just like ladies who are like i have got to get that laughter in my pussy. I wish. I'm very funny. And I've got a lot of jokes to give. There's only one woman that really wants to hear them.

And she doesn't really want to hear them that much. You know, I just, I don't know. I feel like I'm too old. Maybe I was always too old. And maybe I wasn't looking. Mm-hmm. You know? Maybe I was, like, happy and maybe there was and I didn't notice it.

That's nice. To just be happy. Do you have any brothers? I have two sisters. Do you have any male cousins that you're close to yeah i have a bunch are they single um yeah a couple of them okay do they like big black ladies um or is that just a topic that's never come up it's i'm trying to think like who's been brought home yeah a couple couple of them okay so here's my next question would you be willing to set us up?

Wait, where do they live? Any in L.A.? Oh, I don't have many cousins in L.A. New York City? I have cousins in New York. Okay. I'm willing to travel. Okay.

A six-hour commute. Okay. All right. Then, yeah. I have a couple cousins. I have a couple cousins. Okay. I have my cousin, Max. I have a couple cousins. I have a couple cousins. Okay. I have my cousin Max.

I'm going to bother you about this. My cousin Max is single right now, actually, and looking to mingle. Okay, tell Max about me. I will. Don't mention how much I like Sonic. That might weird him out. Yeah, I was going to say, there's some stuff I probably won't tell him about you. But I'll give him the good. Yeah, just don't say that. Yeah, no, I got going to say, there's some stuff I probably won't tell them about you. But I'll give them the good.

Yeah, just don't say that. You know, I got a couple cousins. Next time you come out here, bother me and we'll all go out. March 4th. I'll be there March 4th. Perfect. It's Daniela's birthday. Great.

Let's all go out. This is going to be fabulous. I can't wait to meet your cousins. Let's do it. Okay. Here's another question so on 101 places to party before you die you guys go to maui moab how do i say that moab moab miami puerto rico portland richmond atlanta and denver how did you come up with such beautiful places and then like richmond virginia well uh i thought the same thing

actually uh but we had a decent research team mostly headed up by um by gabrus uh and richmond is actually like the portland of the east like it's got the most Michelin star chefs per block of any U.S. city. That's wild. It was wild. I walked in that. I was like, first of all, I was like, I'm not allowed to be past D.C. southern-wise. Like, if a Jew is going south, it needs to go from D.C. to Atlanta. There can be no stops.

No stops. No stops. I think black people are on the same route. I think so, too, but I don't want to speak for anybody because you guys had a railroad that ran. I don't know which direction it was going. I think it was going north. Right. Well, we were only sent one way, and that was six feet down, no matter where you were.

And so it was like, I personally, like when we started driving, I was like, I don't want to go here. But what I found was much like the Pacific Northwest, which also has a history of not liking Jews, there is kind of cool chill now. You know, it's like a lot of tattoo shops and axe throwing and great restaurants and, you know, great music. There's this amazing music scene and like a lot of drinking, a lot of bars. So it was like, it worked out for us. But the rest of them were pretty like, we wanted to go places that the American public could get to that weren't too like bougie. What was your favorite place?

Again, like as a Jew who's close to death, Miami. I really like Miami. That's where I'm headed. So it's like it was an easy like I got there and was like, oh, I get this. It's kind of like warmer L.A. with no work. Not bad. Yeah, I mean, that is a good way to describe it. Warmer LA with no work. I went to this strip club in Miami called Tootsies, and boy, oh boy, was it a good time. Oh, yeah. That sounds like fun. I love Tootsies. And then Atlanta has Magic City.

I love Atlanta. You ever been to Magic City? Have I ever been to Magic City? My name's on the wall. I did a set. Really? Uh-huh. I love that

so much. Yeah. And next time you go, let me know because I will make sure that the whole team takes care of you. Great.

I think I'm going to be there at the end of March. Hell yeah. I'll let you know. I fucking love Magic City. I had the best fucking time. I've spent hours there. I've gone from afternoon to night there. Like, eaten lunch. That's great. Eaten lunch, gone to the bathroom, kind of wiped myself down,

walked outside, had a cigarette, gone back in for another shift. Like, I was working there. I love it. The girls are like, bye, see you tomorrow. Yeah, and I turned gone back in for like another shift. Like I was working there. I love it. The girls are like, bye, see you tomorrow. Yeah, I turned right back in. I was like, actually. Actually, you'll see me right now. Right now.

Adam, okay, we've come to the end. Do you have any advice that you want to give me about getting into a relationship or like maybe how to like, I don't know, hit on somebody? Oh, I don't know if I'm the best person for advice, but I would just say that whatever you're doing, it seems to be working. I mean, you look beautiful every day, more and more. I don't know what your team, what your team is doing, who you're hiring, but the glow up is real.

Adam, thank you. It's a lot of makeup and a lot of hair. Well, it doesn't look that way now. Well, right now I'm wearing a dumb little hat. I look crazy. No, you look beautiful. And I think that I would say like I couldn say, like, I couldn't think of anything. I mean, your work is so amazing.

That special was so good. Your special was so good. Oh, Adam, thank you. You did, and it was really sweet. I loved it. I mean, you're on fire. I wouldn't... I would give no advice for anything whatsoever.

I would ask for advice. Adam, that's nice. Thank you so much. Thank you for doing this. Okay, I asked all of my guests this. Would you date me? 100%. Ooh, yes!

100%. Okay, now, I love that. That's the correct answer. Do you have anything that you want to promote? I have a new movie out called Who Invited Charlie that is on iTunes and on demand and stuff. You can pretty much get it anywhere. And that's it. That's really it. I'm just so happy to come on and talk to you. I haven't watched it yet, but I watched the trailer and it looks really fucking good. So I put it in my little list of things to watch and I'm excited to watch it. Oh, I think you will really like it. It's the kind of movies that we grew up on.

I feel like you'll like it. Ooh, good. Because truly the trailer, I was like, ooh, this looks like fun. It is fun. It's funny. It's funny. All right. Well, it's raining in LA today, so I think I'm going to watch it today.

Perfect. Throw it on. Thank you for being here, Adam. Thank you so much. And if you like this today, so I think I'm going to watch it today. Perfect. Throw it on. Thank you for being here, Adam. Thank you so much. And if you like this episode, shut up. I'm doing the outro. Sorry, sorry. No, I'm kidding. If you like this episode of Why Won't You Date Me, you could like it. I just did want to say thank you so much.

Shut up. Sorry. Adam, let me get through this. Got it. Okay. If you like this episode of Why Won't You Date Me, you could like it. Did you see that they lowered the Alec Baldwin charges? Wait, they did? Yeah, he's not in so much hot water anymore.

Anyway, go ahead. I didn't mean to stop you. Go ahead. Go ahead. If you write me something hitting on me to whywon'tyoudatemepodcastatgmail.com, I will read it. Please don't send any dick pics because Mars, my producer, she's the one who reads it and she don't like that. Okay. So here is a nasty message. These are long guys. You don't have to write things so long. Okay. Hi, Nicole. I may be a gay man, but that doesn't mean

I don't want you to be in a constant state of orgasm. We would break into area 51, finding a time travel device and bring back the most sophisticated sex robot from the future. I would have him track your IP address and lift you into the atmosphere where you would scan your pussy and tickle, thrust, and suck you better

than any Tracy's dog. You and the sex robot would come at the same time. Due to the future technology, your fluids would mix in the atmosphere and solidify and become tracking drones that will track down every boy you've ever loved and crawl inside their ears. The micro-cummy drones would then brainwash them into falling in love with you since the robot will eventually have to return to the future with his robot family. I will be arrested and most likely unalived, but it'd be worth it to see all your fluids rain down like meteors. Well, that was interesting.

Thank you. Bye-bye. That's it for Why Won't You Date Me with me, Nicole Byer. Why Won't You Date Me is produced and engineered by, oh, the sweetest woman I know, Marissa Melnick. It is executive produced by other wonderful people, Adam Sachs, Joanna Solo-Taroff, and Jeff Ross. Thanks for listening. I love you. Thank you so

much. We'll be seeing you next Friday with a brand new episode. What a dream. What a dream. Ha ha ha. This has been a team coco production