Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Men Who Lie About Their Height (w/ Lauren Lapkus)

Episode Date: November 1, 2024

We're back - and now in video form! Comedian and actress Lauren Lapkus (Newcomers podcast) joins Nicole to discuss why men lie about their heights, motherhood, and her recent trip to Victoria's Secret. Plus, they play a special game of F*ck, Marry, Kill: Newcomers Movies Edition.Watch this episode! Check it out on our new YouTube channel at youtube.com/@WhyWontYouDateMePodcast.Write to Nicole! Send your dirty messages to [e-mail] with the subject line "Dirty Message," and Nicole may read it on a future episode.Sponsors:Lume: Control Body Odor anywhere with @lumedeodorant and get 15% off with promo code DATEME at LumeDeodorant.com. #lumepodBetterhelp: This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at betterhelp.com/DATEME and get on your way to being your best self.Follow Nicole Byer: Twitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerNicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746This is a Headgum podcast. Follow Headgum on Twitter, Instagram, and Tiktok. Advertise on Why Won't You Date Me? via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Hi, hi, hi. Want to watch this episode? Check the link on the episode description to watch on YouTube. Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please! Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me?

Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Ooh baby welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me with Me Nicole Biawerb back at HeadGum! Beep ba da ba ba baba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. And this is a video episode. You can watch me now. And, okay, I'm really excited.

Oh wait, I didn't do my actual intro. Welcome, okay, this is Why Won't You Date Me with Meenakul Byer. It's a podcast where Meenakul Byer has been trying to figure out why I was so single even though you could Come in my hand and tell me that it was a thimble of water I'm glad I didn't offer up a suggestion. I liked that it was a thimble of water. I would not have said that I Don't think anybody would I don't think anybody would have.

I don't think anybody saw it coming. My guest that you are hearing and seeing is a hilarious actress, comedian, who you know from The Wrong Missy, where there is a scene where she falls off a cliff, and it's really the funniest thing I've ever seen in my whole life. I laughed so hard.

Bring it back. It's so funny. Also, you've been in Jurassic World, Orange is the New Black. You were in The Big Bang Theory. for like two minutes straight. Bring it back. It's so funny. Also, you've been in Jurassic World, Orange is the New Black. You were on the Big Bang Theory. Oh, yeah, baby. Get those residues. Yes. Also, Lauren is my co-host on Newcomers.

And Lauren, you launched your own podcast called Haunting. Yes. Available on iHeartMedia. Yes, I'm the host of Haunting. You can listen to that wherever you get your podcasts. It's a hybrid scripted and unscripted podcast where I play a dead influencer who can't cross over because she doesn't have her verification check mark.

And then we hear real ghost stories from real people that are scary. What's the spookiest one you've heard? Oh man, a bunch of them really freak me out. There's one that takes place in a barn that I really don't like that's like a creepy thing inside a barn. That's scary. Yeah.

There's one where a guy bought a house that a guy died in and then the lights would flicker and he would yell, stop it, Elmer. And then the lights would stop flickering and other things happen too. But that was one that I thought was like, it's scary. Wait, I want Elmer to haunt me. Maybe he's like the man who made Elmer's glue, which means he's a millionaire, which means maybe I can become a millionaire

because he tells me where the gold is. Yeah, he must have hidden it somewhere. Yeah, somewhere in the house. He's trying to let you know. It's a good, plus you have someone to talk to all the time. Yes, Elmer. Okay, Lauren, I know the answer to this, but maybe listeners don't. What is your relationship status?

I am married. Yay! To the most adorable man, and you two fit so nicely together. Thank you. I love him so much, and it's wonderful. How did you meet? We met on a sitcom that we were both on called Clipped that was on TBS. There were 10 episodes starring George Wendt from Cheers, and Ashley Tisdale, and us, and others as well.

And it was a very fun time, but it was a long process of making that show. It was basically we got the pilot, and then a year later we shot the rest of the episode. So we all kind of hung out as friends, to keep the hope alive during that time. And then it was like pretty long after the show ended, but we got together, but it was that friendship that was there that I think helped. Wait, so how long were you friends

before it became romantic? A couple years or like a year and a half or something? Yeah. That's nice. Yeah, I've no time, but yes, I think, I think it must've been like two years. Yeah. Oh.

Yeah. That's like a nice solid amount of time to be like, oh, I like know this person. Yeah, like I wasn't thinking of him that way. And then like, by the time it was like a dating idea, I was like, oh yeah, I love talking to you. Like, I love hanging out with you. It's always fun.

Like obviously. It was just kind of. That's really sweet. Yeah. He's taller than you and you're tall. Yeah out with you. It's always fun. Like obviously it was just really sweet He's taller than you and you're tall. Yeah, have you ever dated a short man? Um The shortest I've dated is the same height as me I think 510, but you know, whenever a guy says they're 510 I really think they're 5'9". You know, New Balance's give you an extra inch That's really funny. And specific. Yeah. Yeah. I just know a lot of guys who are really...

Who love their new balances, baby. Gotta get that inch. I feel like you're being very generous. I feel like when guys say they're 5'10", I'm like, you're 5'7". Yeah, I mean, it's always one of those things too, where they say they're 5'10", while they're staring at me, and I'm going like, my eyes are above yours. It's just tough.

I mean, then they want to act like I'm six feet. I'm like, I... Women don't lie in these... No. At all, I would say. You don't really... There's no need for a woman to really lie about their height one way or the other. No, I don't think so. But I did think I was 5'7", for a while.

Well, you would never know what age you are, either. Sure don't. You're 5'5". I am. That's a cute height. Read tall. You do read tall, but That's just cute height. Read tall. You do read tall, but that's a cute height. I just remembered though, I once interviewed at this commercial agency in New York

and I had to have this interview with this, I don't know how I even got this. And the lady was at a desk and the chair for me was really low, so I had to sit down really low. And then she was looking at my resume, which was all my like, you know, improv and theater stuff and whatever. And she was like, five, 10, I'll tell you really.

And I was like, five, 10. She was like, and she thought I was lying down. She thought I was I was taller and saying I was five, 10. That's really funny that she was like, hmm, sure. Yeah. Sure. Fee five, oh, yeah, sure. And it's just so funny how, like, to be so rude, just because the status is there.

Like, I'm low status. I have nothing. You're literally low status. You're lower. You want to be repped by them. I just want something from her, and she can say no, which she did, and that was that. God, that's so funny.

How long were you married before you decided to have kids? We got married in 2018, and we had our first baby in 2021. We had a pregnancy loss before that, and then did IVF. So it was kind of a long journey for a few years, which was really hard, and then our second baby was a surprise, so... Wait, really? Yeah.

Oh, I really love that. I didn't know that Gigi was a surprise. Yeah. She's... You... You guys have made really cute children. Thank you. Gigi's hair. It's just, it's just so, it's just so,

it's like a little mohawk. It's the best thing ever. I think I'll cry when it lays down flat. It's just so cute. I demanded to come to your house once so I could meet Gigi because I love babies. You need to come back. And Gigi hated me.

No, she's more ready now. She hadn't met a lot of people. She would cry at everybody. But now she gets around other people and babies. She goes, her nanny takes her to, like, these little baby groups at the park. It's amazing. It's like, I'm so grateful that we have somebody to help us. My first thought was, maybe I'll just start going to parks

and people will let me hold their babies. And then I was like, wait, no. That's the wild. They probably would let you do that. Wild. They'd be like, it's that lady from New York. Wow, we watch her on TV. Take my baby.

But I just like, wanna hold babies. Please come over. I love them. My cousin just had a baby. The baby's two weeks old, and I was like, let me come over. And she was like, she doesn't do anything. And I was like, just let me come over. No, it's the best.

And it was just like a little bean that I got to hold. And then she smiles in her sleep. Oh, so cute. But your kids are great. They're so great. Your oldest child, I love her. She makes me laugh so hard. I've told you this, but I'll say it on the podcast.

She was playing with clay and I was like, oh, is that a ball? And she looked at me and she went, no, it's clay. And it really got me good. I was like, you're not wrong. She loves to correct. I'm like, oh, I like your horse. She's like, it's not a horse, it's a blue horse.

It's like, okay. It's like, yeah, yeah. But it's a horse, right? Can we just agree that it's a horse? Yeah, it's everything. I'm like, oh, those are cool stones. They're not stones, they're rocks. Yeah, you're right.

Okay, yeah. I like that you know what things are. I'm just happy that, those are cool stones. They're not stones, they're rocks. I'm like, yeah, you're right. Yeah, I like that you know what things are. I'm just happy that you know what things are. That's great. Yeah. Is being a mom and a wife, do you find that to be hard? Do you have to like split yourself? Like you're like different with your husband and different with your kids.

I think it's really easy with like little kids and babies and stuff to like forget to like connect or to feel like it's like you're only talking about them or you're both really stressed and tired and then you just kind of forget to be like, hey, I also think you're really cool and I love you. So you have to take those moments, I think. But it is very easy to... I really like the thought of you being like,

hey, I haven't said this in a while, but I think you're really cool and I love you. Lauren, that's so cute It's so necessary because it's so it's you I mean literally every time we try to talk Holly starts screaming She's like, yeah, yeah She can feel that like the energy has shifted into something that was like semi-serious Someone's not paying attention to me Even just like trying to get through like a schedule conversation or something Yeah, yeah, even just like trying to get through like a schedule conversation or something

So and that's not the other thing is that because we haven't had any help consistently at all for the last few years We just hired a nanny which has been amazing, but we Have to like schedule our lives around each other and we're never able to do things together So like my friend just mentioned the night she was like I'm so used to only seeing one of you at a time and That is hard. So I'm looking forward to now that we actually have somebody who can help us. I'm looking forward to like going out together alone. You can have a date night. Yeah. You can go to a party together.

I never thought of it that way. Because if you don't have help, somebody has to stay with the child. Yeah. And like a lot of people are better at hiring babysitters or something. I mean, it's like for me, I feel like I have found many great people, but they're not always available. And then also it's like you're leaving your kid with somebody. It's a it can be a really tough thing to do.

So for us, that took a while. But now we have somebody who's like so sweet and so nice. I was a nanny for a while, and I feel like people were real OK with leaving me with their kids Cuz they're like, I don't know. She's a big kid. Oh my god. You having a nice time already same same I was I did the same thing before like getting acting jobs or whatever That was like my job and I loved it and it was it was great It was it was so fun to like be with kids and do different things every day

And yeah, I never asked for enough money though. I could have gotten so much more money How much did you charge? I was getting $15 an hour. Lauren! I know! In New York and LA! Lauren! I know! I was 20. 20 an hour for one kid, 25 for two. And I thought, I can't ask for that. I know, but you have to!

No, I should have! It's 30 or 35 out here now, kind of a billing rate. Yes, it is so expensive now. I have a friend who could only find someone at $40 an hour for one kid, a baby, and there was a five hour minimum. Wow. How about just say you have to, so you have to pay that even if you don't use it? Yup, if you use it for two hours, five hour minimum. That's so expensive.

Right? That's prohibitively expensive. To go like go to dinner, that's wild. Hundreds of dollars. Yes. That's hard. But I guess it's like,capitably expensive. To go to dinner, that's wild. Hundreds of dollars. Yes. That's hard. But I guess it's like, you can trust me.

I do good. I'm nice. It's smart for that person because then they have a solid income they can depend on, but that's, it's just very hard if you're just somebody who's like, I just want to go to dinner one time. Just one time. I just don't have family nearby. A little surf and turf.

Yeah. Please. And I have to pay 80, oh my God. Oh, I didn't try to do it. 160. $200. It's how much an hour? 40. 4 times 5 is 20, 200.

160. Oh, I like your version. And then 40. Oh, it's 220? No, 4 times 5 is 20. Just think about that. So 40 times 5 is 20. Just think about that. So 40 times five is 200. So it was 200.

Yeah, you're right. And I did get it right. But this, what you're doing... So, okay, you know new math? No. Okay, you're, well, Holly's gonna learn new math. Oh my God. It's wild and instead of just like adding or whatever,

they like tell you to like group them together and that's what I do in my head already. I don't think I understand this. So instead of being like what you did, which was easy, it'd be like 40, two 40s is 80, another two 40s is 80, 80 plus 80 is 160 and then we have 40 left over. So four plus six is two, so we're adding the zeros over here, so that's 20.

So 160 plus 20 is 200. No, it should have been 160 plus 40 is 200. Oh yeah, that's what I meant. But that's crazy. That's a complicated way of learning that. Is that how your brain naturally does that? And so then now you've heard of new math and you're like great, that's what I do. Yeah, but it's really confusing. If your brain doesn't work that way, then you shouldn't do math that way.

No, you know what my brain does that I always think people will get on board with and they basically never do. I always think of mnemonic devices for things like for memorizing my script or for like my parking spot or something. So I'll come up with like a, just like a thing that I can say to myself. Like if I parked at like 3G, I'll be like, 3G, that's almost 5G, that's like my phone. Like I'll have like something that makes no sense. Like, so like, but like it makes sense in my brain.

And there was one other day where someone was trying to remember like a Latin word, just like egalitarian. And then I was like, it's like eagle, like eagle, like e-per-bus-u-da, and then they were just like, and I was like, to me, that makes so much sense. And I do it all the time to Mike, and he's always like, that is the weirdest way to get to that thing, like that's not anything, but it makes sense in my head.

It kind of makes sense in my head too, but when I, I've lost my car too many times, so I just take a picture of a little thingy. I got lost the last, literally two times last week, I was walking around for 15 plus minutes looking for my car. It was crazy. I'm like, I can't, I don't. I lose my car at the Americana all the time.

I was just there today and I literally paused, looked at all my surroundings, was like, I'm from here to here, I walk, and then I go, and then there, okay, cause I'm not doing it again. Cause I was at the... What is it? The Huntington Library garden or whatever. And I parked without thinking at all. And then when I came out, the whole parking lot was full,

and I had no clue. And then you're just like walking around. And my car doesn't make a loud noise when you beep it. It's like, beep, beep. So I'm like... That's upsetting. It's really annoying. I felt insane. And people kept driving by going, are you leaving? And I told them. And you're like, no, I don't know

where my car is. And no one offered to drive me, which I think is very rude. I even asked the golf cart guy who's driving around, I'm like, can you help me find my car? He's like, I'm going to the overfill lot. I'm like, thanks. That's so funny. Like, can you help me find my car?

I'm like, please. Please help me. It's so sad. Wait, you were at the Americana today? Yeah, I had to stop there on my way here to get some bras. You've lived a life. At Victoria's Secret. I did a podcast before that.

I've been up since 6.30, okay? Okay, a lot of people are up and live a life. I don't start life until 11. I think that's great. There's no reason to. I have to. Yeah, you've got kids. People are expecting me to do things right away.

People are expecting me to do things. I got to hop to at like 6.30. Got to feed children. Got to make them food. I got to drive her to school, do all these things. And then I did a podcast and I went to the Americana. But it makes me very productive. I get a lot done. I went to Victoria's Secret, but it makes me very productive. I get a lot done

I went to Victoria's Secret, which I don't even know if that's like where to buy bras anymore but I just needed to do this and I Don't even know if that's where you go to buy bras It's one of the places but I just kind of feel like maybe I've just been doing that since I was like A teen and you're like whatever I don't know where else to go. And there's you know, whatever I've done it online too, but it's hard. I, um, they gave me a free umbrella with purchase. It was like a huge umbrella, like a long one.

Why would a branded Victoria's Secret umbrella? It's pink and white. I haven't opened it. I'm sure it says Victoria's Secret on it. And it says, it has a tag that says $69, but you know they've never sold it. It's just a thing that they give away. Who's buying a $69 umbrella? Also, give me panties. That's such a crazy underwear.

And she just pulled it over and gave it to me. I'm like, I don't really want this, but I also do kind of want it. Like I'm just, I felt like I should take it. Look and just like live in your car. I thought that too, but it's like huge. It never rains here. I'm dying. I love that this lingerie store gave you an umbrella. And there was no bag and she's like, they don't give us a bag that's big enough for this. I love that this lingerie store gave you an umbrella. And there was no bag, and she's like,

they don't give us a bag that's big enough for this. But she's like, but I love this free gift. It's my favorite free gift. And she was like, and another person said they saw everyone at the mall walking around with the umbrellas and they wanted to come in and get one. I was like, this is crazy. I love that you've lived a whole life,

but you've also had a wild interaction. That person's a weirdo. It was really crazy. I was like, I don't, like, I have to take this home so I can pop it open and see what it really looks like. How truly so funny. I'm on a broad journey. Are you?

I cannot figure out what size I am. It's, that whole system is so messed up, and also, like, a guy there was, I think he was gay, but he was like, would you like me to measure you? And I'm like, you know, I don't really want someone coming around measuring my boobs right now. It's very intimate.

Very invasive. It's so intimate. I had to do bra fits at Lane Bryant and no shade to big titty ladies, big ladies, but to get under the boobies, because sometimes they were in the wrong size, you'd have to be like, lift them. So they'd have to like hoist them up.

And then it gets a little sweaty. So then you're like, in someone's body. Trying to like, be like, oh, you're actually a G. And we don't have that in store. I'm so sorry. And they're like, just let me get the size I've been getting.

Oh my God. But I measured myself and it's, I'm according to the tape, a 42C. So then I bought a bunch of 42Cs. The cups are so big, I could fit people in there with them. Like, they're too big. But so, that's wrong. I think it's wrong. I mean, if it's so big.

So then I bought a 40B, and then that's like a little tight, but then the 42B was a little too loose. I think I bought the wrong thing, but I'm just going like for right. I just needed something for one dress that I'm wearing. So I bought five bras. I'm like, I'll return these. Well, Lauren, that's girl math. Yeah, yeah.

I need one thing, but I'm going to bring five. Like when I pack. I need to see what it looks like underneath. I pack a lot too. You need options. If I'm gone for five days, I'm getting 10 pairs of underwear. Oh yeah.

I don't know what's going to happen. And I probably go through them. Yeah. I always freshen up between activities. Yeah. If I go on a hike, then I have dinner. I've never been on a hike. It's more like if I walk around whatever mall that town has, and then I go to dinner. Yeah.

What's one of the, like, best vacations you could think of that you had with Mike? Oh, wow. We've had a bunch, but Tokyo is my favorite. And we went twice. And it's just the coolest city ever. And it's so fun. And we went to a few different cities around as well.

But I love Tokyo so much. Have you been? No, I really want to go. I've heard it's beautiful, clean, and then cute. It is. And it's very peaceful. When you walk around the neighborhoods, it's really quiet. And there's vending machines clean, and then cute. It is, and it's very peaceful. Like when you walk around the neighborhoods, it's really quiet, and there's like vending machines

with beer in the alley, and you can kind of just like grab a beer and walk around. That's nice. It's really cool. And then I've heard the 7-Eleven is beautiful. It is, they have lots of good stuff there too, yeah. That's what I wanna do. How long of a flight?

It's like a 16 hour flight. It is, yeah. It's long. Yeah, it's long. But you know, we watched the entirety of the staircase on the first one, which was so good. What is the staircase? That docu-series about that woman who died falling down the stairs, and the question was whether her husband had something to do with it or not.

Mm. Oh, wait, is this Robert Durst? No, but it was like around the same time as the Duththejinx. Oh, okay. That one was crazy, too. But this one was like around the same time as the death of jinx. Oh, okay. That one was crazy, dude but this one was like There were one of the theories was that an owl came into the home and attacked her I think that was what the guy was going with as like the as what happened and then and then you say that's kind of what It's about but then all this other stuff comes out. That's all really fascinating and you watching the guy is very interesting So wait, that is so funny

I don't know an owl came in and pushed her down? And then there's like diagrams that show like what that would mean and like it's, it's really... Yeah, that it like attacked her head or something. That is so fucking funny. I sometimes when I start dating somebody, I'm like, could you kill me? Yeah, I think you have to wonder that. Right? Like, could you be so twisted that something's gonna go wrong here? Yeah, and then it's like, I'm pretty annoying.

Am I gonna like yap too much one day and then they kill me? I mean, done. I mean, I hope not. Me too. What's the most romantic thing Mike has done? Hmm. He's a really good writer.

And... He writes me really romantic cards. And they're always very moving. I really like your relationship. Yeah, yeah. Thank you. Me too. Um, yeah, I love that. He will write, like, about us, or like me, or like, our kids or whatever,

and just it's very... Just beautifully said. That's so nice. Yeah, I pretty much don't even need presents Like I don't tell him that but like I am always happy if he just writes a card that says something. Yeah. Yeah I love it. I still like presents. On your anniversary both of you posted the cutest Like tributes to each other. Oh cuz I saw yours and I was like, oh, that's so nice. Yeah, then I saw Mike's I was like, oh my God, that's so nice. So nice. I love it.

To be loved. When did you know you loved him? And who said it first? Oh my gosh. It was pretty early on and I said it first, but it was a mistake. It was an accident. I just kind of said it like really casually.

And then I was like, and? And then that was it. But yeah. Wait, did he say it back immediately? I think so. But it was like, we kind of were laughing about how I said, how that I, like that I just said it.

I was like, well, I love you. And I was like, oh, what? Gotta do anything else. Oh, what's on the ceiling? I'm so sorry. It was crazy. Micah side, what's the worst date you've been on?

Wow. Okay, so I didn't really have a ton of dating experience because I had mostly long-term relationships. Did you date in high school? I had a long-term boyfriend in high school into college. And then I had a date, I had one date, I think, before that, with someone that I had a crush on. That was a bad date. Um, I asked a date, I had one date I think before that with someone that I had a crush on. That was a bad date. I asked him out and he said yes, which was really nice.

He was a really nice person. And we went out, but I was so nervous. We went to like a diner and I ordered like such an insane thing. I was like, you know. Do you remember what you ordered? Yes, I do, yeah. I was a kid, so that's also part of it.

I ate a child well into my 20s, chicken fingers and fries, whatever. But I ordered chocolate chip pancakes and a Coke on the date, which I actually wouldn't have ordered together at the time. But I think. I don't think that's that crazy, but I mean, you're trying to get jacked up.

It's pretty crazy for just getting together and having a conversation. Like it's kind of an insane thing to eat. And I felt self-conscious of it when I did it, but couldn't acknowledge that or take it back, you know? And then we like went to our friend's house and hung out with a bunch of people after. It wasn't like, it was very much like that wasn't anything. But it was fine. That's kind of lovely for your life that that's one of the worst dates you've been on. Yeah, I mean, there are worse ones

that I don't want to talk about because they're traumatic. Ah, I see. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I can talk about that offline. But yeah, I definitely had a terrible date where someone was a terrible person. Fair. So I have existed in the world. Yeah.

Fair. I truly was like, what a dream. No, that's a cute one. That's a cute problem to have, where I was like, hey, that's so much sugar, and then I farted or something. Sorry, I farted right up on you. I'm trying to think if I've ever ordered anything insane.

Oh, I went on a date where I only ordered potato things. Like what, like a baked potato, fries? Mashed potatoes, french fries, and then... Did you realize you were doing it? No, and when it all came, I was like, I guess I like a baked potato, fries? Mashed potatoes, french fries, and then... Did you realize you were doing it? No, and when it all came, I was like, I guess I like a starch. He was like, okay. And I was like, I guess I shouldn't have commented on it.

I don't know. And then I like really leaned in and was like dipping the french fries in the mashed potatoes and I was like, double potato. We did not go out again. I was like, do you want to go out again? And then he was like, yeah, let me figure out my schedule and then never go out again. I was like, do you want to go out again? And then he was like, yeah, let me figure out my schedule and then never reached out again. Figure out your schedule is a tough one.

Yeah, it's not nice. Yeah. I feel like I, I mean, I say that in situations where that is true. I do need to look at my schedule. But a lot of times it means I'm not going to look at it right now, which also means I'm probably going to forget. Yes, I'm absolutely going to forget.

If I don't put it in my calendar, I'm not doing it. Even if it's in my calendar, I might not do it. Even today, I was thinking, should I text Nicole and make sure this is today? Even though, like, obviously it was planned and it's in my calendar and all these things. But, like, I kind of always wonder if where I'm going is correct.

I do appreciate that you do do that. Because for newcomers, you're like, hey, we have a whole movie to watch. That's homework that if you miss it, I mean. Then it's like we can't fucking do it. But it's hard to remember because you have to allot three hours to watch something. Yes, three hours for these fucking movies.

Oh my god. Some of them are so upsetting. What are we gonna do next? I don't, well we. I think our one idea is really good. I think it's good too. And we're not gonna spoil it here. No, I think we deserve it though.

I think we deserve it too. I do're not going to spoil it here. No, I think we deserve it though. I think we deserve it too. I do like when we do a season of things we deserve, like we did the Madea. Yeah. The MCU. We deserved that and it was wonderful. That was so good. It was just a fun time.

Taylor Perry, an icon for the ages. Truly. And it was a romp from start to finish. It really was. I feel like we, every episode, were like, this was great. And then I got lost in the sauce. I was watching The Oval for a really long time. I really wish I had been.

I really wish I had been because I was going to at the time, and I forgot, I think. There are 20 series regulars in the first season, and they all walk in a line towards the camera, and it feels like they're coming at you in your home. It's aggressive. So good. The first episode of that was the craziest thing

we've ever seen. It's so good. So good. Well, Lauren, on that note, we have to take a break. I want to take a nice moment to thank somebody in my life. My real life therapist! She's the best. I like her. She helps me. It makes me feel good when we end our sessions, unless I spent most of the time crying. This month is all about gratitude. And along with the person I just shouted out, there's another person we don't get to thank enough.

Ourselves. It's sometimes hard to remind ourselves that we are trying our best to make sense of everything and in this crazy world that isn't easy. Here's a reminder to send some thanks to the people in your life, including yourself. You know, it's helpful for learning positive coping skills and how to set boundaries and it empowers you to be the best version of yourself. It isn't just for those who've experienced major trauma and stuff. I like therapy. It makes me feel good and I find it super helpful to like

work through my issues that I'm having and honestly sometimes when stuff's going good it's good to just like tell somebody who's not like in my life if that makes any sort of sense. If you're thinking of starting therapy give better help a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to fit your schedule. Just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapists at any time for no additional charge.

That's important. It's just like dating, you have to find someone who works good with you. Let the gratitude flow with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash date me today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp. H-E-L-P dot com slash date me.

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Smell fresher, stay drier, and boost your confidence. From head to toe with Lumi! Lauren, we're gonna play F, Mary, Kill, newcomers edition! Yes! So I already said that we co-host newcomers. We've done Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Fast and the Furious, the Magia movies, Batman.

Oh my God, we've done so much. Marvel. I forget about Marvel. Yeah. I got lost in the sauce of Marvel, and I went and saw Mr. Strange, the like sequel or whatever. I think he's a doctor.

He didn't go to medical school for nothing, sweetie. Oh, right. The Doctor Strange DDS. He's a dentist. Midway through the movie, I was like, I don't give a shit about this. Why am I here? I haven't done that, so. It was a tough time for me. That's a dentist. And midway through the movie, I was like, I don't give a shit about this. Why am I here?

I haven't done that, so... It was a tough time for me. That's a lot. We really... If we could... I'm curious how many hours of films we have watched. Oh my God. It's probably hundreds of hours.

So much. And it feels wild because sometimes somebody will say something and I'm like, oh, from Lord Lord of the Rings you've referenced Smaug Mm-hmm. I get everything now. It's upsetting. I miss the time where I was like, I don't get it I know but you know, we still have our blind spots So yes, we'll see James Bond don't know a single thing about him. Someone's gonna make us do that. You know that I know and I'm pretty upset about it. Yeah, okay I can't wait to play this game. Oh my god, this is so fancy. Fuck, Mary, kill, oh fuck, Mary kill Star Wars

I love that there are pictures so I can remember everyone. Yes. Han, I still can't believe his name's not Hans. It's, yeah, it should be Hans. It should be Hans Olo. Hans Olo. Luke Skywalker or Darth Vader. Okay, are you ready?

Yeah, I'm gonna say either Hans Olo or Darth Vader. Which one? I mean to do what? Oh Fuck Mary. No, I know I was literally just picking one for life. Yeah Okay, so I'm gonna fuck Darth Vader. Yeah, I'm gonna marry Han Solo. Same exact kill the Skywalker Obviously, I want to marry him so I can fuck him every day. Yes. And then him one time. One time. Just because I'm curious.

Do you think he'll breathe in your pussy the way he breathes when he talks? I think he takes this off, but some crazy. Oh, you're right. No, remember he has a gumball head. Ha ha ha ha. I forgot about that. He looks like shoot up bubblegum.

Keep it on. Keep it on. And then his little tongue could come between the little grills. Lightsaber. Ooh, lightsaber me, daddy. And I think this is just a kill Shoot a bubblegum, keep it on! And then his little tongue could come between the little grills. Ooh, lightsaber me, daddy. And I think this is just a kill because while he's a wonderful person, the character is not something I want to have sex with or marry.

No, he'd be drinking that blue milk. Yeah, yeah. Oh, wow. Ah! Okay. Oh, God. This one's hard. Okay, so this is Lord of the Rings.

We got Aragorn, Lego, Legoland, That's what I was calling them. And I refuse Lego loss, and then Gollum. Okay. I'm going to marry Legoland. I'm just gonna fuck Gollum, just because it's interesting.

Mm-hmm. You're gonna kill Aragorn? I'm gonna kill him, even though obviously I should fuck him and not this thing. There's something about this that's just like, so crazy you have to do it. I, obviously I'm fucking Gollum. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got it. I have my precious.

He'll compliment you. Yes, and that's nice. Where's my ring precious? Yeah, he He'll compliment you. Yes, and that's nice. Where's my ring, precious? Yeah, he wants to marry you. I'm gonna kill Legoland, because I feel like he was annoying in the movie, and then Aragorn, I think is pretty hot. He's hotter, yeah, yeah.

He seems like he's lower maintenance than Legoland, which I like. So maybe I wanna switch to that, because this, the way, I saw like a meme that was like, saying he gets up every day and does a blowout and then picks his hair in a brain. It was like, that is annoying.

That's too much, I don't want it. It's not naturally like that. Yeah. Okay. Oh! Fuck Mary Kill, Tyler Perry's Madea. We got Madea, Joe, who is Madea's brother, and Mr. Brown.

Oh my God, this is so funny. I mean, this is Medea's brother, and Mr. Brown. Oh, my God, this is so funny. I mean, this is hard. I think I'm going to marry Mr. Brown. He was funny. And then I'm going to fuck Joe, and I'm going to kill Medea, but just because I really don't want to have sex with Medea. That's just the only reason why.

I do want to have sex with Medea. Good! Just huge tits. Because I bet she would throw around, and want to have sex with Madea. Good! Because I- She has huge tits. That she would throw around. And I think it would be so funny. And I would like to keep Madea around. I think Madea would keep me safe. I'm marrying Madea.

Madea would probably be better at sex than Joe. Yes. That might change my answer. You're gonna marry Madea? I'm marrying Madea. And then I think I'm gonna fuck Mr. Brown, because I think he'd be kind and caring. And then I'm gonna kill Joe.

Joe... No, you're right. He was really grumpy, wasn't he? He's so grumpy. Okay, I have to switch. I'm gonna marry Mr. Brown and fuck Madea and kill Joe. Ooh, fuck, marry, kill, fast and furious. Dominic Toretto, Brian O'Connor, Hobbs. I mean, I'm going to marry... wait, is Hobbs the Rock?

Hobbs is the Rock. Now see, I wasn't around for this season. Yes. So I actually still haven't seen these films. This is the season where I entered it every week with, Lauren's not here because of something. And Capers is like, a child! a baby, she's having a baby. And I was like, who's to say? Because of something.

I love that. I'm gonna marry Brian O'Connor. I'm going to fuck Hobbs, and I'm going to kill Dominic Toretto. I almost burst into tears. Oh my God. I'm obviously marrying Dominic Toretto. I love, Vin Diesel's like a crush that I've had

for a very, very long time. Like when the first Fast and Furious came out, I would cut pictures out of him. He was like on the cover of Rolling Stone, and I just taped it to my desk. So I would just like look at Vin Diesel all the time. Oh my God. I would also fuck Vin Diesel.

I would also fuck Dominic Toretto. And I'm gonna kill, well I guess, all right, I would also fuck Vin Diesel. I would also fuck Dominic Toretto And I'm gonna kill well, I guess all right. I'm gonna marry Dominic fuck Brian kill Hobbs. Yeah I think that's the only right answer. Yeah, unfortunately. Goodbye Hobbs. Yeah Fuck Mary kill Marvel Cinematic Universe Thor Thor, Captain America, Groot. Oh my God. Okay, Thor is funny. Yes. Thor has a sense of humor.

Captain America, pretty self-serious kind of guy. He was like a shrimp who became strong. Yes. Groot is a, what is Groot? I think Groot's a tree. Okay, yeah, Groot's a tree. And then there was like Baby Groot is a... What is Groot? I think Groot's a tree. Okay, yeah, Groot's a tree. And then there was like Baby Groot? Baby Groot is because Big Groot got blown up and then a splinter became Baby Groot?

Was Baby Groot a main character at some point? Because I feel like we got... It wasn't just like at the end. It was like... It was like at the end, but then Baby Groot, I think, is in the next Guardian. Because I think I feel more familiar with baby Groot than I do with this Groot right now. But I don't really. So, OK, I'm going to go with Mary Thor. OK, I think personality wise, there's something to hold on to there.

And he's obviously very attractive. Yes. I will F. You know what, I wanna F Captain America one time, I'm sure it's not gonna be great. I don't really wanna do it with Groot. Yeah, he's a treat. He could be good, I don't know, but don't you kinda think the character Captain America is not really gonna be great in bed?

I don't think Captain America's gonna be great. But also you brought up a really good point about Baby Groot. So Big Groot got blown brought up a really good point about Baby Groot. So Big Groot got blown up. Splinter became Baby Groot. Doesn't that mean there's like thousands of Baby Groots around? Probably, yeah.

Is that a show? He's fathered many children that he's not caring for. But is that a show about all the Baby Groots? Baby Groots like a cartoon, like Muppet Babies. They should do that. That's good. Hey, Kevin Fiege? Fie-gee?

Fie-gee-ige? Fige? Fige? Fige? I think we should do a baby Groot series. I think it's a good idea. And I can be the voice of one of the baby Groots. I am Groot. Wait, no.

Groot. Groot. Groot. Groot. Groot. Groot. I'm still waiting for Marvel to call us. I'm gonna marry Groot.

We're gonna have a sexless marriage. And that's okay, because I think Groot will care for me and make me eggs in the morning And he'll let you have a hall pass. I feel like he's not gonna be too precious about that. Yes, so then I'm gonna fuck Thor and I Think Groot will be okay with a continual fuck sash and I'm gonna kill Captain America because I think he's too self-righteous Yeah, like he's kind of obsessed with America America, you know, and maybe we need him more than ever but I don't know. I don't know. We don't know We simply don't know. I just don't know

Okay, here's where we're really this is where we're cooking Blue green I think it's just the light so that's's- Michael Keaton. Batman, Michael Keaton. Batman, George Clooney. Batman, Lego. I love that there is something anthropomorphic every time. This could not be easier. Mary. Mary.

Michael Keaton. Fuck George Clooney. Kill Lego Batman. Obviously. Wait. But I did want to eat that lobster, kill Lego Batman wait But oh no you're about to have like did want to eat that lobster that Lego Batman had That was fun, and I'm like after we fuck would he give me some lobster probably not he was kind of selfish

He's also really small like he's like one inch tall. Yeah. He's an actual Lego I just put him up in a pussy just like Yeah, okay, he's like, no! With his arms straight up? Yeah. Okay, here's your page. Ah! This is good. This is good.

Oh my God, this is such a good page. Okay, I'll tell you, it's Martin Scorsese Films, Tommy DeVito, Goodfellas, Nikki Santoro, Casino, and Russell Bufalino, Irishman. And they're all played by the incredible Joe Pesci. Even this picture behind, just his little teeth sticking. That's not Joe Pesci, is it? Oh it is.

That's Martin Scorsese. No, that's Martin Scorsese. I'm marrying Tommy, I am going to fuck Nikki, and and then I'm gonna kill Russell. Yeah, I think I agree with you. Tommy was a fun character. Loved Tommy. He had a great personality. Also a very abusive husband,

but we have to overlook some of it because I don't think any of these characters were particularly loving people. No, not at all. Nikki Santoro, Casino. Yeah, that's a fun one, too. Yeah, the Irishman. Was a little slow. It was slow.

It was his least exciting character. Yes. Yeah, these guys rule. I love Joe Pesci. We need to manifest you meeting him and possibly more. I'm like, should I try to pitch a movie? Oh my god, yes. About like a May, December romance

where somehow I'm doing something for him and we like fall in love and it's like real and everyone's against us? Or buddy comedy. Oh my God. Where you are hired to help somebody's grandpa who's like moving out of his home and has to go into an apartment.

Okay. And you're like a task rabbit. Okay. And you get really involved with going through all his stuff and asking him questions. So, well, who's this? Or what's this picture of? And he tells you all his memories.

And it's really fun. And then you go on a little road trip to go visit some old place he used to be from and all these things all his memories. And it's really fun. And then you go on a little road trip to go to some, visit some old place he used to be from and all these things happened to him. And on the way, a bunch of funny stuff happens between you two. And then maybe you kiss, but then he's like, that one was just for you, kid.

And he's not really into it, but he just was like, I know you liked, you're into me. Ah! I love even in fiction, he's rejecting me. Even in something we're coming up with. Okay, fine, you guys have sex. I love even in fiction he's rejecting me. Even in something we're coming up with. Okay, fine, you guys have sex and he's like, I actually thought that was gonna be pity fuck,

but I actually love you. And I'm like, yay, I love you too. And he is Joe Pesci. Yeah, yeah. God. His character is Joe Pesci and yours is Nicole Byer. I am so jealous that you got to work with him. It was very cool, yes.

Reminder for everyone, I was in a Snickers commercial with Joe Pesci and Don Rickles, and it was very, very special. And I really just watched him because he took over directing. I don't remember who directed it, but he was like really doing it. I love that.

Yelping out orders and things. And he was great. And he was very, I don't think I spoke two words. Like maybe I was like, hi, nice to meet you, But yeah, and then he insults me in the commercial, which of course is wonderful. Just really wonderful. Good times. I love it.

What is he doing now? He's like 81. I don't know if he's still doing stuff. I wonder if he's like retired. I remember he was only a couple of years ago though, right? Mars, do you mind looking up if he's retired from- 2019. From working the screen? He came out of retirement to do the Irishman. Oh so I

think, I think what's gonna have to happen is I'm gonna have to have Martin Scorsese's daughter on the podcast, have her fall in love with me, think I'm so funny, hang out with me a little bit, introduce me to Martin Scorsese, I say something about loving Joe Pesci, and then his brain starts a-wandering, and then he writes something, and I'm in it with Joe Pesci. And you get to improvise with him, because I think that would be the next level.

That would be so cool. So we gotta do it. I think her name is Francesca. Yeah. I've reached out to her. I'll follow up, though. Did she not respond? No. Great. I'll reached out to her. I'll follow up though. Did she not respond? No.

Great. I'll DM her. She must be getting all sorts of requests. Probably, cause she's cool. Yeah. Okay, we have to take one more break. ["Sports Movie Theme"] Lauren.

Oh, we have one more. Oh. Oh. Oh. Sports. Fuck Mary-Kill sports movies. Right. Dottie Hinson, A League of Their Own. And then Tashi, oh yeah, Tashi Duncan. I didn't know Duncan was her last name.

I forgot that. Challengers. I really liked that movie. I forgot that we watched any of these movies. Which is wild. Honestly, the whole, I turned around and everything was a surprise to me. Truly.

I was like, what? Yeah. I truly was like. And that was the any of these movies which is wild I turned around and everything was a surprise to me Truly I was like, yeah. Yeah, I truly was and that was the most recent one The last one we did just did that but I looked at Rocky Balboa and I was like wait, that's isn't that Scorsese It's not no I know because What which one we watched we watched Rocky? No, but with Scorsese it was raging ball. Yeah, okay I'm gonna say... Fuck Tashi... Mm-hmm.

Marry Dottie... Kill Rocky. Honestly, that's mine too. Yeah. Yeah. Cause I think Tashi would be... I mean, she looks so severe right here, but she's like severe the whole movie.

She is. And I mean, you know, I don't think I could be married to her. No. No. She's very severe right here, but she's like severe the whole movie. She is, and I mean, you know, I don't think I could be married to her. No. No. She's very, very intense and really only wants to talk about tennis. Loves tennis. And let me tell you, don't know a thing about it.

Certainly don't, I know there's loves. Yeah, love, love. I don't understand the point system. Four love. At all. No. Eight love. I think it's just loves. No, it's not. Are you sure? Yeah.

Okay. I also don't know anything about baseball, but I'm like. I don't think she really cares that much. No, cause she like, quits, right? She goes on to go have a life, yeah. Yes, so that's the perfect person to marry. Cause Rocky, you can't marry him or fuck him. He's always getting ready for a fight and he can't fuck.

His eye was popping out of his head. It's like, there's just too many. He's a liability. I can't with that. You don't know what's going to happen. Yeah, I'm not here for it. Adrian! Adrian!

Adrian! Adrian! I couldn't believe that part happened in that moment. I couldn't believe it. I was like, this is the end of the movie? I don't even know who won. And he's screaming for Adrienne? And she was right there.

Right there, that little turtle. Lauren, do you have any advice for single people? Oh man. You know, get out there and have fun. Get out there. It's so funny, because I mean, I have friends who are single and on the apps and things and like their experiences, experiences can be very fun,

it can also be very exhausting and very frustrating, and the people that you meet where you have no chemistry and it's so boring and bad or whatever. It sounds hard. I really don't have tips. You've never been on apps? No. God, that's nice.

Yeah. What a blessing for you. Yeah, I really don't think I would like that. No, it's awful. I don't know if I would even do it now, if I were to be single. I don't think I would do it. I really like meeting people in real life. I like it too, but then I'm like, I don't go out. No, I don't mean like that. I mean like I like dating people who are my friend. I see. I see. Yeah. Yeah. Which is a different thing. Yeah. There was a hot second where

I don't think I was working very much, but me and my friend Poonam were like, we're going to go out and meet men in real life. Yeah. And then we just went too hard and got too drunk. And then it took me a week to recover. And I was like, I can't live like this. No. This is bad. That feels so that's like just throwing darts into the wind. It's just like, be like, let's go meet someone tonight. I don't know. I mean, cool people are out there, so it must happen.

I don't know where. That night, I got the number of this man whose name was like Brandon, but he spelled it with like Y's and I's. And he was like, Brandon. He was like, did you recover? I don't feel good. And I was like, okay. I guess, yeah, I'm recovering from drinking too much. I recover? I don't feel good and I was like, okay, I I guess yeah

I'm recovering from drinking too much. I'm sorry. You don't feel good I don't feel maybe we'll see each other one day and I was like maybe and then he stopped texting me I don't feel good is not a hot follow-up My time come I actually had diarrhea You it's like oh, yeah, we do have some comments. I'm sick as hell. I don't really have any advice. I think one of my friends who was newly single

in the last few years, she was like, I'm going to just buy a bunch of clothes that I wear on dates so I always have outfits I think are cute, ready to go if I want to go on a date, so I don't have to think about that part of it. And that is a nice tip, just to kind of be like, I always like this one dress that I wear, and so I don't have to think about that part of it. And that is a nice tip, just to kind of be like, I always like this one dress that I wear, and so I don't have to try so hard every time.

Because you know, I feel like the part of what sucks is the effort you put in and then feeling disappointed. Yeah, having to do your hair and makeup and picking out an outfit. Yeah. That's smart. I wear a little uniform, a little striped shirt and jeans, and I have so much clothing,

because one day I'm gonna wake up early and I'm gonna take a shower early enough to try on several things to see what looks good together. Oh yeah. So you kind of just wear the same thing because you don't like to know, or you don't have time to know. Because I don't have time

because I don't give myself enough time. What if you did it at night, just trying on different clothes? Pfft. myself enough time. What if you did it at night just trying on different clothes? The most frustrating thing when I have a problem and I say it out loud to someone and they say something that is so simple and easy and like I could have thought of it I'm like almost gonna cry. I mean I'm happy that I was able to give that to you. I just cleaned my closet which is like had been hellacious just with stuff overflowing. I got rid of five

Trash bags of clothes. I also just did that. Oh my god, but then I Bought more stuff. Well that leaves room for you to buy more stuff. I'm excited to buy more but it was like That's why I can't close the door And that also all of it is not fitting me properly. So it's not like I should have this. I put on a pair of pants yesterday that I was like, oh, these are too big. And then I said, better save them.

I have some things I've saved. Because you also don't know if your body's going to change. So it's like, there's a part of you that's like, I should keep the bigger size because it's dumb to buy it again. And I should keep the smaller size because then what if I have that? I don't want to buy it again? So it's very tricky with sizes.

It's so tricky. But also I started tailoring my clothes. Oh, I have not gotten into this. Game changing. I need to do this. You gotta. I need to do this. Because, like, my pants always like gap in the back and

you just have to take like three inches off the waist and then it fits And lays perfectly. That's so cute. Oh, do you go to a tailor or do they come to you? I go. Uh-huh I'll tell you. Oh tell me everything who this person is because I need this I always feel like it's overwhelming the idea of like going to the cleaners like standing in front of them in my pants or something Is that what you do? You have to do that. I mean, that's like a little changing area. Okay, I'm sure it's fine It's just my own like, you know roadblocks of like it was okay I had the same roadblocks, but I did it. Yeah, and then when I got them back, I was like, oh my god amazing, I can't believe and then I went on a date wearing these new pants and

I Said out loud don't my pants fit good? Did you not notice? And they were like, what? And I was like, you didn't notice my pants fit. They fit really good. I mean, everyone who tailors looks really good. Yes.

Yeah, I should do that. It's truly game-changing. So you literally had no advice for single people. Buy an outfit that you like. Oh, yeah. I really don't know. Be yourself. Have low expectations. Ah! Honestly.

Yeah. See if you like them. Don't worry so much about them liking you. But it's all kind of cliché stuff. That one's tough, though. Yeah. It's impossible. Because I'm always like, do you like me? Yeah. As opposed to, do I like you?

Yeah, it's hard. I think that was something I feel like I got into more later, being like, what do I actually think is the answer? And not just being flattered that somebody likes me or something. I'm flattered too easily. Yeah. Which is not good. In this business, probably why we're all here.

You know what's interesting? I feel like you're approaching dating like an audition because I go in with very low expectations. I'm like, have an outfit. Have an outfit, go in, try to have fun, like myself more than, or worry more about if you had a good time than if they had a good time, yeah. And those are my best auditions when I'm like, whatever. I'm just gonna throw caution to the wind.

But that's true, it's like, with auditioning, it's like it shows a lack of desperation, which you never wanna feel when you're trying to get a part or something. And it's the same with auditioning. It's like it shows a lack of desperation Which you never want to feel when you're like trying to get a part or something and it's same with dating like you don't Want them to feel like oh she like is so desperate or something, but I mean, mm-hmm But I but I mean, but if you know, you know, you kind of are desperate kind of Find something you don't want to play it too cool. It looks like you don't care. You want to be engaged engaged and talk You're a good listener. I guess that's a good tip. It's sort of improv tips, but listen and react to what they're saying. Don't just think of what you want to say, because that's easy too when you're nervous

to just be like, oh, I want to bring up this thing or I'll ask this question no matter what they say or something. My least favorite thing is when people talk at you and then you say something and then they say something that's adjacent, but you're like, well, that wasn't a response to what I was saying. You were just coming up with what you wanted to say. Yeah, and I think that happens a lot with first dates.

Mm-hmm. And people, I mean, I'm sure it's nerves, but like, I definitely have heard about people just getting monologued at for the whole date. And where it's just like, oh, they have a story that they just tell or people talking about their exes on a first date and stuff. It's just a lot.

That's a real turn off. Yeah. I went on a date. Was it the first date? It was pretty early on and he was like, as long as you don't wanna go to Disney like my ex. And I was like, okay long as you don't want to go to Disney like my ex, and I was like, okay. I guess you would hate Disney.

That also takes some fun off the table. I might want to go to Disney. I'll tell you something. I had no interest in going to Disney, but I went two years ago, I think at this point, and I was like, huh, Disney's fun. Let's just say it's a great time. It's a nice time.

It's a great time. I walked around a lot. Yeah. I got my steps in. You know what, I should take Holly there soon. I feel like say it's a great time. It's a nice time. It's a great time. I walked around a lot. Yeah. I got my steps in. You know what? I should take Holly there soon. I feel like I should do a little Disney day. Does she like Finding Nemo?

She does like Finding Nemo. Does she like the seagulls? Yeah. Not particularly, though. But do they have a whole thing with them? Not a whole thing. Oh. You just walk past and go, mine, mine.

And I laugh so hard. It's cute. She's much more into the movies. Like the last time we went, she, mine, and I laugh so hard. I mean, that's cute. That's cute. She's much more into the movies. Like, the last time we went, she was two, and now she's three. So I feel like that's so much, you can take it in a lot more. What's her favorite movie? She has a lot of favorites, but what does she like right now? Nightmare Before Christmas is a big one.

That one's lasted through a couple years. She likes Turning Red. That one's good. She likes Monsters, Inc. She likes Turning Red. That one's good. She likes Monsters, Inc. That one's good. She likes a lot of TV shows though, that are like bluey, and there's like a lot of these little kid shows

that just are crazy, like Pupstruction Pals or something. They're dogs that do construction, and they always have to save the day by like, let'sstruction pals or something. They're dogs that do construction. And they always have to save the day by like, let's build a new bridge. I love that I'm listening to this and I'm like, I think I could be into Pupstruction. I mean, if anyone wants to cast me on Pupstruction, I think that would be a hit.

But I did show her, I was on Yo Gabba Gabba Land and I showed her my episode. And she was like, you're in there, you're dancing with them. And I was like, yeah, and she was like, hmm. And that was pretty much it, but. I cannot think of anything more heartbreaking than my child, the person I created, not being impressed that I am on television.

Yeah, she really couldn't, I almost didn't wanna show her because I think it's a weird thing to have your parent do. But I was like, well, this is for kids. And like, maybe you'll actually think this is cool. But she was kind of just like, hey, you're in there. I feel like kids are just not easily impressed by their parents.

Like, I met Paul Scheer's kids. And I was like, isn't it cool that your dad's in Sonic? He's in Knuckles. They were like, adult, be cool. He's in Knuckles? He's in Knuckles. They were like, adults be cool. He's in Knuckles? He's in Knuckles. Probably like Sonic. You gotta show her Knuckles.

Okay, Knuckles is a live action though? It's live action. It is on Paramount Plus. Okay. I believe it's a six part mini series. Wow. It's really good. Full ad for Knuckles. It's really good.

Okay, let's check it out. And, Stockard Channing plays Pally's mom. Amazing. And she has a fight sequence where they used a male stunt double and did not conceal that it was a male stunt double. And it is so funny to me. That's really funny.

They just put like a little wig on him. Just a little wig on this man and he's just going. Oh my God, you just reminded me, I worked with her one time. But I don't think I was in a scene with her, but we rode in a van together and I was like, I'm in a van with Dr. Janning. That's so fun.

I think the most famous person I've done anything with is Ted Danson. Yeah. He was so nice. He seems very nice. So nice. I think he's one of the most likable people. I couldn't believe.

That's great. Like he rode in the van with us and I was like, you're very famous. Yeah. I couldn't believe. That's great. Like he rode in the van with us and I was like, you're very famous. Yeah. I watched Becker. That's so nice. I liked him. I think it's cool when celebrities are just like us.

Just like us. Well, Lauren, on that note, we've come to the end. Well, this was so fun. Wait, I'm not done. Would you date me? Of course. Yay. Yay. I truly adore you. Wait, I'm not done. No. Would you date me? Of course. Yay!

Yay! Ha! I truly adore you. You too. I think you're so wonderful and funny. Oh my God, I love you so much. Thank you, Laura. This has been so fun.

Thank you so much for doing it. I'm so happy I did it. It's years in the making. I know. Because I asked you, I think maybe like two or three years ago, and you were like, no. And I was like, got it. Well, it was like I only have long-term relationships,

and I listened to your show, and I'm like, it's so fun when people talk about dating and stuff. But I mean, you know, finally I'm here and I got to tell my story. Ha ha ha! Finally I'm here, I did it, I told my story. I had a blast. Well, if you like this episode of Why Won't You Date Me,

you could like it, you could rate it, you could subscribe, give me five stars on Apple Podcasts, and if you write me something nasty hitting on me to why won't you date me, Gmail at no. Why Won't You Date Me podcast at gmail.com, hitting on me saying something nasty, I will read it. This person said, dear Nicole, listening to newcomers inspired me.

I want to Spider-Man your ass, web you up from head to toe, trapping you in my sticky silk cum strands. Once you're all tied up, I'll spider crawl all over you, using my spidey sense to find and tickle all your sweet spots that make you scream. When I'm done, I'll leave you hanging upside down,

dripping in my web, as I crawl down and give you an upside down kiss you'll never forget. Hey. I bet you someone out there is writhing in horniness right now. But I'm just like, why do I have to stay upside down? Yeah, that seems like torture, but I guess that's part of the fun. The upside down kiss, you know, is famous. Oh, yeah. But we did not watch that.

Was she upside down or was he? Yeah, I don't know. I think she was upside down and he kissed her. He was upside down. No, he's upside down. So he should be hanging upside down and he should be able to stand up straight. Let me stand up. Thank you. Because I don't want the blood to rush to my head.

No, you'll want to throw up. Yeah. Well, bye-bye. You've been listening to Why Won't You Date Me with me, Nicole Byer. This show is produced and edited by Mars with executive producer You've been listening to Why Won't You Date Me with me, Nicole Byer. This show is produced and edited by Mars with executive producer Anya Kenefskaya. It's engineered by Casey Donahue with guest research by Lindsay Kempf. Our VP of content at Headgum is Katie Moose and our theme music is arranged by Mike Komete.

Ah, thanks for listening! We'll be back next week with a brand new episode. See you then! and our Thief music is arranged by Mike Cometae. Ah, thanks for listening! We'll be back next week with a brand new episode. See you then! Okay, bye-bye! That was a hate gum podcast.