Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Microdosing (w/ Johnny Pemberton)

Episode Date: July 12, 2019

"I thought I was going to die. I was actually laughing at the idea of living."Johnny Pemberton (22 Jump Street, Superstore) discusses taking LSD at Disneyland, and accidentally overdosing while trying to microdose. Meanwhile, Nicole's candy-flipping and wants to start microdosing shrooms.Plus, Nicole goes over some of her latest awkward dating app conversations, and Johnny suggests some new wild dating tips for Nicole to try out.You can play along and see Nicole's Tinder bio and photos on her Facebook page at: https://www.facebook.com/pg/NicoleByerComedyBe sure to rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Leave a dirty comment for a chance have it read on-air.Follow Nicole Byer:Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdatesTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerFacebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedy

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Ooh, baby! Welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single even though I will let you put your dick in my ear!

Oh, I'm running low on these! My guest today, you know him, you love him, you've seen him on Ant-Man, or you've seen him in Ant-Man, 21 Jump Street, 22 Jump Street, Superstore, Son of Zoran, I Feel Bad, just a whole bunch of stuff. You've had such a nice career. Johnny Pemberton!

Did I say your last name right? Pemberton? Yeah. Honestly, I like it when people say it other ways. I feel like it's fun to hear someone say your name in a way like, oh yeah, I would not say it that way. I thought it was Pembalton. Pembalton?

I would take it. But then I was like, I think I'm very wrong. So then I looked up your Wikipedia page or your IMDb and there was no L and I said, yes, I've been wrong. I've been very wrong. You could say Pendleton, which is a brand of shirts and blankets. Yes. Pendleton. What did you say? Pembleton?

A Pendleton. Pendleton. I think there's a Pendleton store in the Portland airport. There definitely is. That's the first place I bought a blanket there. Wait, really? Oh, yeah. I was very excited to, because I like Pendleton aside from that being my name. I just really enjoy the products made of wool. Well, there you go. I think wool's too hot.

It can be too hot, but the right wool at the right time can actually be cooling. Oh, boy. The right wool at the right time. Can be a cooling effect. A cooling effect. Johnny, we don't really know each other very well. Can be a cooling effect. A cooling effect. Johnny, we don't really know each other very well. No, we don't, but we've been in the same rooms many times. Many, many, many times.

Where did you grow up? Grew up in Minnesota. Oh, don't you know. That's technically the place that is that sound. Where in Minnesota? In Rochester. I have no idea. Is that near Minneapolis?

Everything is near Minneapolis to some extent, but I think it's kind of near. It's where the Mayo Clinic is. The Mayo Clinic? Yeah. How do I know what that is? It's like this big hospital

that, um... Oh. It's sort of like if WebMD was a physical location. Okay, okay, okay. So if I get a little cut, get on a plane, go to the Mayo Clinic.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah, we have a lot of... You used to have a, get on a plane, go to the Mayo Clinic. Yeah. We have a lot of, you said a lot of famous people who go there to have treatment done. Mayo Clinic is so famous that Jesse Jackson was there one year on Martin Luther King Day. Really? Yeah. Well, there you go. You got to celebrate at the hospital. I don't think he wanted to be there, but he was there. And when did you move to L.A.? I'm not sure exactly what day it was, but I think it was, I've been here for a long time. I've been here like 12 or 13 years. Oh, dad.

Yeah, this is my home now. Oh, okay. You look so youthful. That's what happens when you drink baby's blood every morning. Yum, yum, yum. Baby's blood. Are you single? No, I'm married. You are married. Yum, yum, yum. Baby's blood. Are you single? No.

I'm married. You are married. I didn't know that. How long have you been married? Not that long. About a year. Okay. Literally just a year as of like last week.

Really? Congratulations. Thank you. Happy anniversary. Thank you. Is that the paper anniversary? It is the paper anniversary. I just learned that the other day because I was like, what should I get her for her anniversary?

Stacks of cash. Yeah, I didn't think about that. If that would have been a good gift, just a bunch of cash. What did you get her? We went to Disneyland. Oh, that's cute. So it was a gift. It's not a gift, like a gift of an experience. But the ticket is paper? Technically, no,

because I didn't print anything out. We have annual passes. Oh oh you do have you been there before to Disney World or Disneyland Disneyland I've been to Disney World okay

I went twice in my youth the first time I went I was maybe like five or six all the pictures of me I look very unhappy I'm frowning I hated it

I think I was the same way when I went to Disney World the first time I was very unhappy but now as an adult you like it I like it pretty good I'm not unhappy. But now as an adult, you like it? I like it pretty good. I'm not like a Disney freak, but I do.

I can enjoy it. If I take the right amount of LSD, I will have a good time. Did you take LSD? I did. And you had a great time? I feel like I would freak out if I took a psychedelic. Well, I mean, I don't know. I don't think you would if you've taken psychedelics before.

Then you'd be good. You don't have to take a lot. Just a little bit. Just a little bit is just enough to sort of like make things have a little extra sheen to them. You know what I mean? Yeah. The first time I took acid, I candy flipped. I think that's what it's called.

Oh, okay. So you didn't really take acid. You took it with a roll. Or ecstasy, yeah. Hippie flipping, I think they also call it. Or hippie something. Well, I think hippie flipping is mushrooms and acid. Is it with a roll. Or ecstasy, yeah. Hippie flipping, I think they also call it. Or hippie something. Well, I think hippie flipping is mushrooms and acid. Is it?

I think. I'm glad I don't really know because I've never done that. I haven't done mushrooms and acid, but I just got mushroom capsules, which is going to be, I've never done that before. Yeah, people love that stuff. Yeah, because it's micro dosing. It is. I just learned about that and that's just to get through the day being happy. It is kind of. I've done it a bunch. I actually

one time tried to micro-dose myself, and I ended up doing the opposite of that, and taking a massive load of LSD that was crippling. Oh, dang. What happened? It's a pretty long story, but basically it was a Wednesday. I'd like to hear it.

It was a Wednesday just like today. Okay. I even had a podcast to do later that day. Uh-huh. And I went hiking. One of my friends gave me some liquid LSD for Christmas. Okay. And it was like a tiny vial.

It was the smallest amount of liquid you can imagine. You know how liquid, it kind of has like the surface tension where it's basically, it looks like someone dumped something out of there and whatever was left because they didn't properly shake it out. That's how much liquid is in there. So I had to, what do you say? I had to dilute it, right? But I'm not a chemist.

So I was like, oh, I'll get a pipette, one of those like the special glass straws. I don't know if Amazon did that. I was like, oh, I'll get a pipette, one of those special glass straws. I went to Amazon and did that. And I tried to dilute it to put it on like Altoids, you know, for little micro doses, like 30 mics each. And I was trying to do that. It was like maybe 10 a.m. on a Wednesday morning. And I sort of gave up.

I'm like, I don't have the right stuff to do this. I'm just not going to – I'm not going to fuck with this right now. So I dumped out all the liquid in the pipette back into the vial. And then I was like, well, there's nothing left. So I'll just clean out the vial, the pipette with water and just drink that. So I did that thinking – I was sure nothing was going to happen. I was convinced I was going to be just – I really wanted to microdose that day. And I thought nothing's going to happen.

So I go on a hike by myself real quick. It was a nice day because it was overcast and kind of rainy. So like, you know, all the freaking crazies are at home. So it's just me going up the hill. And I kind of start to feel like it hit me a little bit. And then it just starts to just ramp up significantly to the point where I realize, oh, shit. I had to get on my phone and cancel everything I had to do that day. I had to go to like the point where I realize, oh, shit. I had to get on my phone and cancel everything I had to do that day.

I had to go to like a dinner that night and I canceled everything. Like with difficulty because I could barely text. I was tripping so fucking hard. I could barely like, I can't make the podcast. I overdosed on LSD. Send. And the next thing you know, it started raining pretty hard. Yeah, I was just in a bad way.

I went back down, got in my car, and I was not to drive. I couldn't possibly drive. Even if I decided that was a good idea, I couldn't even physically do it. Got another jacket out, and there was a park ranger in there, so I thought I was going to get arrested or whatever. I walk home. It's like a two mile walk home in the pouring rain. I'm just like losing my mind because I keep seeing mailmen pop out everywhere.

Oh no. Yeah. I get home. I vomit a bunch in the carpet and like just basically, I don't know. I had like almost a full ego meltdown kind of thing. But eventually my girlfriend got home and, uh, you know, she brought me some McDonald's,

which helped out. And it started for a while. I was just sitting in a beanbag, just trying to hold on to reality for like three hours. It was, it was rough. It was definitely rough. Drugs are funny in a way where they are fun if you do it right.

Right, yeah. But then it's so hard to calculate how to do it right. So when you do too much, you're just like, well, cross the line and now I'm going to die. Yeah, I thought I was going to die. I was actually laughing at the idea of living. I thought it was preposterous. I'm alive. How ridiculous is that

I truly identify with that so much and not on drugs I identify with it because life is very hard sometimes oh you have to do everything every day everything every day and then you don't really get a break unless you call and text people and you're like

I'm not going to do it today I don't know when I'll start again, but I'm tired. There's nothing in this world better than canceling something. Oh, I love canceling things. I canceled something yesterday that I was like obsessing over. You ever do that thing where you're like obsessing over this thing and you realize, oh, this thing is ruining my life. Yes. Why don't I just cancel it instead of dealing with it?

Like, oh, I have to deal with this. I have to deal with this thing that I'm obsessing over. I did that two days ago. I like woke up and was like, I'm like actually pretty tired and I just got done traveling a bunch. And I was like, I physically,

I don't think I can get out of bed right now and I'm not going to. So I like canceled it, slept in and was like, nobody fucking cares. Everyone was like, yeah, we'll just reschedule it. And I was like, why do I bend over backwards to do shit all the time? If we could just reschedule it.

Exactly. Oh boy. How did you meet your now wife? The best way possible. She saw me doing comedy. Really? Years ago. Like before I was

I mean I I must have been Sort of good But it was definitely It was a long time ago We've been together for a long time How long? Like oh

It was almost as long as I've lived here Like I met her Like a year and a half After I moved here Wow Yeah so So she saw your show She approached you

She actually messaged me On Myspace Oh okay She messaged me on MySpace. Oh, okay. She messaged me on MySpace. Do you remember what the message is or was? Yeah, I do. It was something like, I think something as simple as, you were really funny last night.

Something very basic like that. Just a really basic, you're a funny compliment. And I saw her profile. I was like, oh, my God. I get a compliment from this person. So I racked my brain. What's the wittiest, best way to come back to that?

By also exhibiting my personal taste and all this kind of dumb crap that probably wasn't necessary. But I think I saw that she had rollerblades on some picture and I think I also saw that she liked black metal which I was kind of into it a lot at the time. Black metal?

Which is like the Norwegian shit, the guys who burned down churches. It's like, it's kind of, I mean, it's had its day. I truly have no idea what you're talking about. Is this music? It's music. It's metal, but it's really hard, really kind of coarse metal. The guys wear, they wear face paint. It's called corpse paint.

They look like, they look really dramatic. Okay. It's called corpse paint. They look really dramatic, bizarre. Cool. It's very Scandinavian. Okay. Super Scandinavian. Fair. And I was kind of into that back then. And I think I jokingly responded something about,

do you use your rollerblades to get away from churches after you burn them down, something like that. And then that was when we started talking a lot on instant message. That's very cute. It was super cute. It gets cuter by the day. Do you remember what your first date was? Yeah, sort of.

She would argue about this because I'm not a very good person, and I never really took her on a lot of proper dates. It was like me trying to be really cool and scared to be – because I think I was really scared to get hurt. So it was a thing where I didn't want to do like a date day because that meant that calling out the thing as what it actually was. I think our first date was something, it wasn't even a date. I think we went to UCB to see a show. Um, cause I was like, I lived like a few blocks from there at the time. And I was, that's all I did was perform there and go to shows there.

I had one on Franklin. And I think we went to see a show. I think we got some sushi and then, um, I tried to make out with her in a dumpster. In a dumpster? I was like, we should go in this dumpster and make out. And she said? I think it was sort of like a maybe not kind of thing. I think it was, I don't know.

This is edge of memory stuff, but it's stuff I'm reminded about a lot. I definitely didn't want to take her to my apartment because I didn't want my roommates to meet her because they were they would make fun of me because like there was this thing where everyone was making fun of everyone all the time like constantly trolling each other to the point where looking back on it like oh this is significantly unhealthy the fact that we would all just be so shitty to each other, like passive aggressively making fun of each other on Facebook or on MySpace about stuff. How many roommates did you have? At one point, this is right before, I had two roommates. This is when I first moved here, I lived in a one bedroom apartment with two other people.

And that was, but that was a while ago. You know, that was. Yeah. When you're like in your twentiess you do stupid shit yeah i lived in like a fourth floor walk up with five people and then my room is technically the living room or the dining room you had to walk through my room to get to someone else's bedroom so we were all just always we had one bathroom we were always in each other's space it was now when i think of it, I get like a headache. I'm like, how did I live like that?

Do you kind of miss it in a way because of the community of it? I do. I could never do it again, but I do miss it because our rent was $500 a month. Oh my God. We never locked our door, so like all our friends would just like be in the apartment. It was truly just like a party house. It was great.

It's like living on a ship. Kind of. Yeah. Yeah, there were no rules. I do miss it, but I can't do it anymore. I couldn't. When I have to share a bed in an Airbnb with adult friends, I'm like, why didn't we get a hotel where we have our own space?

Do you like camping a lot? No. Okay. No, I do not like camping. I didn't think so. I just had to ask. a lot? No. Okay. No, I do not like camping. I didn't think so. I just had to ask. I love being inside. Right.

I love air conditioning. I love closing a door to the elements. Do you like camping? I like camping, yeah. I like backpacking, which is like the next step where you're just out there with just everything in your backpack. Oh, no. What if I could convince you to go for one night someplace?

I've been trying to say yes to more things. Okay. So yes, I would go for one night. So backpacking, you drive to a location and then you walk around to different locations for a bunch of nights? Well, I mean, in this sense of it, you would leave the car, you park it someplace, you have a backpack filled with everything you need for like a day or two. You'd hike someplace beautiful.

You'd set up like maybe a tent. Or if you're in California in the summer, you don't even need a tent. What? Because there's no bugs. There's no rain. But what about bears? There's no bears. Coyotes. Coyotes.

Coyotes are probably the least aggressive animal toward humans of their size. Okay. Like the coyote, I used to be scared of coyotes for real. I remember falling asleep one time. We were camping by some hot springs like a few hours north of here. And I go to bed and I see a bunch of eyes reflecting from my flashlight up on this hill.

So my buddy who's like a super experienced backpacking guy like doesn't wear shoes sometimes and he was like In the forest? Yeah. He's got these massive

he's not a normal person. He's like a granola Oh boy. Grizzly Adams kind of dude. Oh boy. I'm getting itchy just thinking about it. Yeah. He doesn't get itchy. That's like a granola. Oh, boy. Grizzly Adams kind of dude. Oh, boy. I'm getting itchy just thinking about it. Yeah, he doesn't get itchy. That's the thing.

He doesn't ever get bitten by anything that bites me. Really? They just know. They're like, he's our master. I don't even know. We can't bite him. I have no idea. I really don't understand. I want to take a sample of his blood.

What's the difference between camping and backpacking? Well, I suppose camping is more where you're kind of in one place. Or backpacking, you just have your backpack and you're kind of moving around from place to place. I mean, I guess you could call it both. You could call it both. We do camping. But I guess camping implies you're setting up a camp, which is super fun. Camping to me involves drinking and such's such an extreme amount of like Bud Light

or not Bud Light, probably Coors Light. Drinking like an insane amount of Coors Light to the point where I'm so drunk, I'm gonna jump over a campfire at 1 a.m. kind of thing. That's what we did at my best friend Tess's wedding. It was in Portland at this campground where no one told me there was no service. And I was like, what?

So I had to send out this like bounce back email that was like, I don't have service. I'm camping. We got wasted. And they have a picture framed in their house of both of them jumping over a campfire. Oh my God. It's really cute. So it's not just me. No, it's not just you.

People love to jump over campfires when they're very, very drunk. It is fun. It's fun to watch i was like i'm not gonna partake because i'm wearing a wig and if it goes up in flames i'm gonna be really upset about it yeah i'd be so mad how did you propose to your girlfriend or did she propose to you i proposed to her it was pretty cool we were in hawaii oh uh went to maui and i knew i was gonna do it um but didn't know that far in advance, but I knew I wanted to, and I was like, this is going to be a good place to do it.

So basically, oh, man, because it's hard to surprise her. She's really good at, like, what do you call it, finding stuff out. Sleuthing. Yeah, she's good. Figuring it out. She'll sniff something out. Mm-hmm. So I convinced her to get up in the morning to go.

I think it was New Year's Day maybe. And I convinced her to go out to the beach with me. We're staying at this really nice place in Hana, which is like the furthest east part of Maui. And we're staying like right on the beach. And I convinced her to go, oh, check. I wanted to show you this thing I found. I got her to go out to the beach. And I just, yeah, proposed.

With like a ring I had my brother make out of something. He's a welder. Because I had a temporary ring. That's cute. It's very cute. Ugh. Was she surprised, and did she cry? She cried, and she was very surprised.

Aww. I think she was very surprised because she hasn't ever seen me nervous. And she saw me getting nervous. Aww. Yeah. Because it's like it's a big deal yeah it's not like stand-up no stand-up truly doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things truly if you have a bad show it's done that's it if you have a great show it's done that's it or you can also do a thing sometimes where I'm like oh I need to beat myself up

about this experience. I've stopped doing that specifically because I was like who is this helping? Oh yeah. To harp on a shitty show and then lately

because I've been touring a lot and I've been doing like the same act in different cities so like I know what works and what doesn't work and if it's not working

with this crowd I'm like I don't think it's the material. I think it's you people are in a weird space. Yeah. So I've written a lot of material about shitty towns I've been in. Yeah, there's so many places that are just, you step into this thing and like this is all you.

I am bringing the best energy and doing everything I know that works. And you guys are just being like, I had the last show I did that where I was, when I kind of thought about that, I was headlining at the, what is it? The, the improv, not the, the draft house in DC, the ones downtown. This was the weekend after Trump got elected. Oh God. And I was just dreading it so much because it's just like, what a place to be here in Washington,

DC. The air was so thick with just, you know, just such a weird, shitty feeling. Cause people didn't know what to even think at that point. I had to do these shows and it wasn't so bad cause I could address it. You know,

I could talk about it a lot, but there was just one group of people in the front row. You ever see a group of people where you're like, I cannot imagine how you know each other. Yeah. They seem like some sort of weird inbred family kind of thing with like a twin set in there. Yeah. This old white lady with short hair. Just like this thing where like, what the fuck is going on here?

And they kept talking they're in the front row I made fun of them usually that gets that stops but they just kept whispering to each other like this is fucking

you're insane you people are like what's that thing in that movie about the people from the hills like the

the hills have eyes yeah it's like that kind of thing but they were in Washington D.C. uh huh did you kick them out or did they did you let them just keep talking? I can't remember.

Like some of some some of the stuff like this. I just block it out. I can't remember anything but the moment I may have had them big kicked out. I don't even know. I have people who talk incessantly during my shows and it bothers me to no end. It's the most disruptive thing ever. Yes. And it's not even,

they're not having their own conversations. They're shouting things at me. That's okay. That's better, isn't it? It's yes and no. Uh, I,

yes. In the hierarchy of having your show interrupted, I would say having things shouted at me is better because it's like, I'm a fan of yours and I know this about you. I me is better because it's like i'm a fan of yours and i know this about you i'm gonna yell it but i'm like please don't uh when i was in rhode island i had this uh this couple was just talking uh like i don't know what about and i was talking about the movie uh what what uh what men want and i was like what are you talking about and she's like we want to go see that movie I was like, do you know what you're seeing right now?

Shut the fuck up. They're drunk. Yeah. You should have a bunch of Nerf darts you can throw at people. Oh, I would love it. But, you know, there'd be a Vulture article written about how Nicole Byer assaults her crowds. That'd be great. I would love a Vulture article about that.

Please, Vulture, write an article about me that's about something I'm doing wrong i'll take it well johnny we have to take a break okay and now we're back okay can i ask when did you know that you wanted to be in a relationship with your now wife? Like a relationship or get married? No, relationship. Like what was the thing she did that you were like, this is the person that I want to be with and the only person I want to be with? That's a tough one. I don't think I knew at a point in time.

I think it was more like she wore me down. She just didn't go away. think it was more like she wore me down she just didn't go away she didn't go away even though i was probably such a shit and such like uh not like a piece of shit i'm not like a bad person probably just more like um flaky and just the things that a man does before he knows how to well things in hindsight i'm like oh man i was being kind of a dick i think it was more than she just she stuck around and also you know what is was she really worked on the relationship because i think i was so consumed with comedy stuff yeah that i think you have to have one person who wants to keep the relationship together. And it's also a thing where I think, gosh,

I think it was something where I just got to know her so much more and really like her as a person. So it's something where the longer we were together, the more I liked her. And when I meet people, like, oh, this is someone who I could be with who's sexy or whatever and interesting, the second they would say more than 10 words i'd be oh you're so boring oh you said your voice sounds in a way that is i cannot imagine having to hear it more than i am right now so it's that kind of thing where just the more experiences i

had with other people like the potential of that just instantly become quicker and quicker to be like, Oh no. I like that. So it wasn't like a thing. It was more like a gradual just realizing, yeah, I couldn't, no one else could handle me and I couldn't like anyone else.

Fair. That kind of thing. Does she do, she doesn't do comedy. No, God, no. Yeah. The more I'm around comedians, the more I. No, God, no. Yeah, the more

I'm around comedians, the more I'm like, oh, I don't think I could have a sustainable relationship with another comedian. Because we're all just like little broken people trying to figure out how to make ourselves and other people laugh, which is like sociopathic.

It truly is. But the thing is, she is an artist, though. So there is like a corollary. We're able to talk about a lot of stuff because she understands things from a similar perspective. So I think that is really important. I like that. Do you have any siblings? I have siblings.

How many? I have a younger brother and two younger sisters. Are they married or in relationships? My younger brother is in a relationship. He lives with his girlfriend, but they're probably going to get married sometime soon, I think. And I have a sister who I think is engaged. Yeah, she's engaged now. And she lives with her fiancé.

My other sister is not in a relationship. I have one sister, and she is also not in a relationship. And I think it's interesting when all siblings are in relationships, and everyone's married, and there's a bunch of kids around. I'm like, I don't think that's ever going to happen for me. I don't know if my sister will ever get married, and I don't know if I'm ever going to get married. Maybe. Do you want to? I would like to have a partner where I'm with them for a very long time. Kind of like a Goldie Hawn, Kurt Russell sitch.

That's why I feel like I'm in that situation. Even though we're technically married. They're not married, are they? I don't think so. Yeah. I feel like we have a similar relationship as the Goldie Hawn. I look at that all the time. I reference that all the time.

I think it's a good way to be. They seem like they aren't together out of necessity or like, I feel beholden to this person. It feels like they're together because they have a lot of fun together. Yeah. And that's all I want. I just want to have fun with somebody for a long time. I think you can do it. Hey, Johnny, thank you so much.

I think you can. Thank you. Just got to, I don't know. Here's a question. When did you start touring? Did you start touring before or after you were in this relationship? Oh, I guess after because I was not doing anything when we first met. I was just lived here.

I think I had a normal office job. Oh, okay. So I got this TV show early on called Mega Drive. It was an lived here. I think I had a normal office job. Oh, okay. So I got this TV show early on called Mega Dry. It was MTV show. And I had to travel for almost six months. Damn. Not straight, but I would be out for two weeks. Then be home for like two or three days.

For about six months, it was a travel show for MTV. And that was a lot of stress in the relationship because I don't think she knew how to handle that I didn't really know how to handle it either but we did it and there was a lot of fighting a lot of like a lot of crap it was real sometimes I was like this is ridiculous why are you pissed I couldn't call you I was in some place that I don't even know the name of we're so well middle driving some truck with a redneck guy. Like I literally shit outside today because I had to. And so like there's that thing where she would be like, well, how come you didn't call? How come you didn't text?

Kind of thing. Or I'd be, yeah, I am partying with the crew. After every shoot, we get wasted because it was a lot of work. So it was that thing of there is a thing where you have to, I don't know, you have to wow i don't know you have to figure out how to um be okay with someone else having fun without you yeah i think that's a super hard thing it's super hard and i still difficult i still struggle with it but now i'm kind of like i feel like getting married helped a lot because i realized hey i priced in. I'm not going anywhere. I like you.

Yes, I might party a ton, but I'm definitely not going to stay party. I was asking because I feel like a lot of male comedians have chuckle fuckers or women who throw themselves at them. Do you encounter that? I have encountered it, yeah. And it's something where it's it's very flattering but it's also something where i just i don't find it that interesting there i like the novelty of it it's very like i said it's flattering it's cool to have that oh yeah thank you that's really nice to think to know that that i was even doing anything I wasn't doing anything to make you think I want to be with you but you had this reaction but yeah it's like the thing I was saying before where I just I have

no interest in it because it's just it's just such a dead end but she definitely there's definitely been a lot of issues with that what's the wildest thing someone has done or said to you to like throw themselves at you? Jesus Christ. I don't know. I think it's just a lot of like people saying, hey, will you marry me? Oh. Stuff like that. Or people I'm thinking there's nothing been

wild like crazy. Oh, okay. No rock star kind of stuff. Alright. I don't think comedians get that. At least this comedian does not get it. Fair. The whole oh my god. I don't think comedians get that. At least this comedian does not get it. Fair. The whole, oh my God. I don't know. Does that happen anymore?

I feel like some comics have like, well, I mean, he's not a comedian, but Wes on this show that I'm on nailed it. He gets ladies in his DMs that are just like, I want to suck your dick dry. Just like shit like that. I think maybe I put out a thing where people don't want to do that because they know I would hate them. Fair. Because there's something where I don't know.

I've had a couple bands open for me because I'm like a, I've been really into music for a long time, like just hardcore collector and stuff like that. So I have a lot of, I have like a lot of like younger hipster fans who are really into music, like hipster kids. And I've had them open for me on different shows. Like if they have a band and I experienced this one time I left the room and my friend Michelle was doing the show with me and she was in the room, the green room after I left. And she said,

they were all acting, they're talking about me like in a way that I like, how do, how do I put up this energy to where I'm like this, some sort of ruthlessly, what do you call it? When someone who's like, like a taste master,

like, Oh, that's stupid. That's done. That's not cool. That's lame. They're like, Oh my God.

Oh, I didn't say something stupid in front of me. They're saying that around her. And I don't feel like I put off a vibe where I would be like, oh, you're a dork. You're dumb. I feel like the opposite where, hey, man, thanks so much. I love you. Really appreciate you.

This is so cool. Don't worry about your performance. Just have fun. I think anytime someone puts anyone on a pedestal they're like i don't want to embarrass myself i don't want to say something that's going to make them go oh you fucking lame loser so you like just start internalizing and going like a little crazy exactly i don't i felt like that kind of attitude that they were exhibiting probably is maybe, I don't know, to someone who is a chuckle fucker maybe. I don't know.

Maybe. I did a guest spot on this show and one of the PAs was like walking me back to my trailer or whatever. And she was like, you're very nice. And I was like, what? She was like, you're a very nice person. And I was like, oh, are other people not nice? She's like, a lot of people are very mean, and you're very easy to talk to. I don't get it.

I don't get it either. I saw some people at Disneyland the other day who recognized me, and they wanted to have a picture. They were super wine drunk on the day. They were really nice, but they were definitely that kind of effusive drunk. And we took a picture, and I talked to them for a few minutes, and they kept apologizing. I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry. Thank you so much. It's fine. It's okay. We're just here. I'm sitting here having a wine too, waiting to go someplace else. And as they were leaving, I heard the girl, one of the girls say, oh my God, he was so nice.

It's like, I did nothing. I just was basically, I was civil. I was civil. I took a picture. I just was basically, I was civil. I was civil. I took a picture. I didn't do anything. All I did was just be a normal person. I think sometimes people are mean. I do do one mean thing.

This lady came up to me the other day and she was like, hey, weren't you in that show? And I just went, I don't know. I've done that. I don't want to do the work for you oh yeah people will say to me hey uh what do I know you're from it's like I don't fucking know what you've watched truly don't know like come on what do I know you're from I don't I have no idea what it is that you watch it could be this it could be that but that's if I'm being like I'm a tired little yeah if I'm tired I truly am not gonna actually if I'm not tired I'm a tired little. Yeah. If I'm tired, I truly am not going to. Actually, if I'm not tired, I'm not doing the work.

Because then it's just anytime I've ever done it, I'll say, nailed it. And they'll go, no. And I go, okay. Girl code? No. Oh. The Daily Show. That's it.

I'm not Dulce Sloan. Oh, my God. That's even worse. Yeah. People are fun and I love it. But they're idiots everywhere. They are idiots. So you didn't have to do online dating at all?

No. You were so fucking lucky. Oh, I know how. I'm so lucky it's ridiculous. My God. It is truly just a hot fucking mess. I can't imagine the nightmare. Ugh.

It is truly the bane of my... Because you have to, like, take time out of your day to swipe and look at these fucking idiots. And then you have to talk to these idiots. And everyone's misrepresenting themselves. Yes. And then if you're on Raya, everyone's a DJ. God. I want you to look at my Tinder and tell me if it's good.

I love, there's nothing I love more in this world than looking at people's Tinder. Wait, really? Because I've never done it. Oh, yeah. I've never had one. It's the idea, looking at it, I don't know how to describe it. It's so novel to me to look at a Tinder profile. Okay, here you go.

It makes me want to have one just for fun. You don't want one. Okay, so you gotta describe what you see. Okay, I see one picture, but it looks really like a cool picture. Thank you. You look cool. Thank you. Clearly you're on a set. I can tell that, though.

Oh. I like this dress. This is a really cool dress. Thank you. Different haircut. Oh, is you're holding a giant dildo? I didn't realize that. That's funny and sexy. Thank you.

Cute dog. Shades. Yep. Funny again. And you're showing your body. I try not to misrepresent myself. I mean, I don't know what to say other than this seems like it would be great like perfect thank you because i would see like oh i know exactly who you are right now my profile

the part that you write in says definitely a thought the happiest out there i'm tired of dumpster people i really like to have all the fun like all of it. And I truly have not been getting very many people, except for this one man named Hamish. Ooh, is he a foreigner? I don't know. Is that an Irish name, a Scottish name? Hamish? I think he might be Indian.

I don't want to assume. Okay. But so we matched last year and he opened up with what up buttercup I did not respond then he said you're gorgeous just had to tell you and I did not respond. Did you not respond because those are bad things to say? No I just looked through his

profile and I didn't love it. What don't you love about it? Let's see he has a picture of him on the price is right for whatever reason I just didn't like that and then a picture with him and a bunch is Right. For whatever reason, I just didn't like that. And then a picture with him and a bunch of bro-y looking dudes at a wedding. See, the bro-y thing, I can see that being an immediate turn off. Yeah.

I was like, if your friends are bro-y, that means you're a little bro-y. And I like a little sensitive boy. And then he said, hey, ha, ha, ha. And then he said, very sexy new pictures, by the way. And then he wrote, hey, ha ha ha. And then he said, very sexy new pictures, by the way. And then he wrote, hey, ha ha ha. And then the hey, ha ha ha's. This is all to no response? Yes.

See, that's a bad sign already. March 25th, 2018. And then we head into this year. June 17th is the last interaction. And you never responded? I've never responded, but I guess maybe he's just trying to wear me down. I guess so. And maybe I'll respond. I think a lot of people do the wear you down strategy and it kind of works. I think it works for, it works the other way around. It works for

men. Maybe, I don't know. Have you tried wearing someone down? Oh, I've tried to wear so many people down uh and then it doesn't ever really work out in the favor we mean like did you get a date out of it oh i mean i don't really try to wear anyone down for a date it's after we've been on a date after we've dated for a little bit and they're like ah you're not for me i'm like but are you sure so they said you're not for me they've said you're not for me or they sort said you're not for me? Or they sort of implied it by distance? Well, there was one time where I was dating this dude. We dated for maybe two, three months. I don't remember how long it was.

But then he was just like, eh, it was really great getting to know you, but I think I'm done. And I was like, okay. But then I kept texting and being like, come on, don't you want to just hang out? So then we would hang out. And then it wasn't romantic. And then I was like, I don't think I want this, but I also really like male attention. Did you guys hook up at all in that period?

Not after he was like, not for me. Did you not try to hook up? Well, you know when someone doesn't want to. So I didn't want to like force my kisses on him. But I would just kind of like bat my eyes when he dropped me off and then he'd be like, bye. I was like, okay. And then we did that for a couple months.

My whole thing is always what I always tell guy friends is the idea of putting someone on ice. Okay. That always seems to work. And I don't know. That means like not contacting them for a while yeah doing something where you that's what i used to do all the time to great effect was basically hooking someone in and then icing them specifically and then sort of going back in after i iced them oh boy it's manipulative it's very manipulative at the same time i think that you have to be and then sort of going back in after I ice them. Oh, boy.

It's manipulative. It's very manipulative. But at the same time, I think that you have to be somewhat manipulative because if you think about it, it is a game. And if you're going to play a game with someone and it's going to work between you, if they can't play back to the game that you're playing, then it's probably not a good sign. They're probably not a good match.

So I think if someone does play this sort of game with you're playing then it's probably not a good sign they're probably not a good match so i think if someone does play this sort of game with you it only intensifies the uh what do you call it romantic spark the spark or the connection or whatever because you're flirting kind of in a way and it's also a thing where i think it's attractive so i'm told was told many many years ago it's attractive if you are you don't want to date someone who doesn't have anything else to do. Correct. You don't want to date someone who's got other things going on. So they're not, even though you may be pining over someone, it helps you because, oh, I have something to do. So I'm not always thinking about, what about her?

So you don't have that type of thing going on. So it has like that effect of helping make the stronger attraction, and it also helps you be less obsessive. Okay. So I have a date coming up. Right. So after the date, I should not text him, right? Well, I'll say this is my other advice. Okay. If you don't want to fuck someone So after the date, I should not text him, right? Well, I'll say this. There's some other advice.

Okay. If you don't want to fuck someone on the first date, I think you probably shouldn't be with them. Oh, I fully agree with you on that. I fuck everybody on the first date. Specifically because like if you're bad at it, I kind of want to know up front. Yeah. Also, that's such a chemistry thing.

Yes. Chemistry, sexual chemistry matters. People, people undervalue it like crazy. Mm-hmm. Because you can always go back to that. Yes. Chemistry, sexual chemistry matters. People undervalue it like crazy. Because you can always go back to that. Yes. You can always go back to that. Even if you hate each other. It's like, well, we don't hate each other that much because I want to fuck you.

Because we'll still fuck. So, yeah, if you fuck on the first date and then, geez, I don't know then. That's a tough one. What would you do in terms of like to do whatever it is I've just described. I guess. Okay. So I'm going to go on a date with him. I'm going to fuck him.

And then I'm not going to text him because I'm going to put him on ice. Yeah. And then he's going to want to text me and then we'll get married and then it'll be perfect. Maybe not. Don't want it. You don't want it okay that is so hard for me just you have to do it that's what makes it good though is if it's so if you don't text them for a couple of days even you don't text him back we text i hate what's up just fucking let him stew let him stew in it oh boy that'll that he boy. That'll work.

All right. I think it does work with certain people. And if it does work, if it doesn't work, then it's okay. But if it does work, it means it works. All right. So it's like that. I don't know what that's called. Whatever. I think if you do it, I think it will work.

All right. Because it will generate attractiveness in the sense that that whole absence makes the heart grow fonder kind of thing yeah yeah that's that's honestly a tactic i have never tried you never tried that nope i cannot not text i cannot not be like hi excuse me excuse me. What is going on? You know what you should do? What? After you fuck him, block him. Wait, is this like real advice that you're giving me? Yes.

Block him. Block his number. Oh my God. That would work great. Cause then he's going to get the green bubble. If he's an iPhone person, he'll get the fucking green bubble. And then it's going to be a thing where he's going to be like, oh fuck. He's really going to start thinking about it. And all you start thinking about it and all you have to say is all you have to say

was this you said oh i was working or i mean if you put your phone on on let's say you meditate you put your phone on airplane you get a green bubble oh this is it this is it right here you block them all right for a day and a half. Okay. But you know what? This is a real Jedi shit here because you might not get those texts if you block him. You won't get those texts if you block him. So you might not even know if he did text, in which case you won't have any way to know if you have anything to respond to. Yeah, because if I block him, yeah, you don't get the text. This is going to have to be a thing where you're going to have to just be really, really self-control is going to have to be. All right.

I think if you do it, you will be rewarded. All right, Johnny. I'm going to do it. I'm going to listen to you, and I'm going to do it. Okay. And I will let you know how it works out. I would like to know, honestly. Okay.

Because this is the only, I don't have any, I don't get to experience this at all. So I delight so much in being able to give people, the few times I get to give someone advice on dating, I get to hear about it. I'm like, oh, wow, really? Have you ever given advice that has worked out for that person? I think I have. It's been a while, though, because I think a lot of the people I know are perennial daters or they are. What's that word?

Like they're just always dating. Oh, okay. They're just never in a relationship or they are in a relationship. That's the thing. If you're in a relationship, it's really hard to hang out with people who have a Tinder date. Sometimes I just don't want to be around this person you're trying out. Correct. Because I have to deal with their fucking unique brand of bullshit.

Don't bring them to my house. I would be so insulted if someone brought someone they just met to my house. I would be so insulted if someone brought like someone they just met to my house. Yeah. Like that's like you don't think enough of me to get to know this person before you spring them on me. I've had people do that a bunch. No. Yeah. This person is he he doesn't know he's oblivious.

But he's it's not not a good thing to do. I feel like men do that more than women because women are like, well, got to figure out gonna murder me first yeah that's taking a couple months now we're four months in i guess i'll bring him around my friends yeah you definitely have significantly higher stakes yeah it's crazy how much i've learned that how slow i was to learn that oh it's because no one tells men no one tells us no one tells them that uh like uh forcing a lady to hug them isn't cool or like uh like if you stare at a lady you might make her uncomfortable it's really strange the way we don't teach anybody anything about how to live as an adult it's also a thing if you're not like naturally sort of creepy or shitty you don't learn that because you haven't done the things

because a lot of times people will learn like hey don't do that like oh really i'm sorry i'm 19 i didn't know i was being a creep and you learn but then if you don't if you don't get that at a certain age you think it's okay it's okay or you have never done it so you don't know it's not okay it's like you're both just two ships passing in the dark who don't yeah when some some comedian a friend of mine who's a female she was telling me about she's a female um how she has to get walked escorted back to the hotel and the comedy club can definitely not announce where she's staying or say like accommodations provided by she's like no you can't fucking say that because men are i just insane i i can't believe how creepy men are

sometimes it makes me feel like i am uh like a part of a decade you know how there's two types of raccoons no i did not know well raccoons are slowly coming two different species there's raccoons that live in the wild that's's raccoons that live in the city. Really? Because they've been divided for so long, the gene pool is starting to split. So they're developing like different, they're almost separate species. That's how I feel sometimes when I hear about how creepy some guys have been. I just, I'm like, how can you think that he's even remotely okay

to do that? Yeah. I don't know. I feel like it's like I did it once and nobody said anything. So I guess I'll do it again. Yeah. Like when I'm on the road, I do not tell anyone where I'm staying. Someone from the club has to drive me back to the hotel.

I don't really go out at night in a town unless it's a city. Right. Like if it's like Detroit, Austin, like those places, that's fine. But like if I'm in Spokane, Washington, I don't know what the people are like there. I don't know if the city is big enough for like if I get into trouble that someone will help me. Yeah. The people, the whole following things was, that's really creeps me out because it's the

idea of you think this is going to work? Yeah. Okay, you're going to follow a woman to the point where, look, you put in the miles, buddy. You're in. Well, what, your Fitbit's at what, a thousand steps after me? Well, come into my bedroom and we'll work out some random calories. I'll fuck you. Yeah, I've never wanted to fuck a dude who's been like creepy or following me around or

anything like that. Oh, man. My wife gets it bad, too. Really? She doesn't like to go out that much because of it. That sucks so much. She had a crazy Russian mortician who followed her around CVS for like a half hour. Holy shit.

Because she thought she was Russian. She looks kind of Russian, right? And she's half Mexican she thought she was Russian. She looks kind of Russian, right? And she's half Mexican but she looks Russian. The guy was just I gave her her card. It's like some guy in his 50s.

Like, please, whatever you want. Whatever you want. For anything. Please. Please. Like begging her. That's so fucking gross.

If someone says no, you just like move the fuck on. Oh, that sucks so much. I hate that she doesn't like to go out because like that sucks. She even, even in the Starbucks drive through,

she gets stuff from dudes who work at Starbucks. Really? Yeah. She told me about something the other day where this dude was rude to her over the intercom. But then when she pulled up to the window, he kept calling her like, yes, my love. What the fuck is wrong with you? That's so shitty.

That sucks. Like some doughy fuckboy saying this shit to her. Ugh. That sucks. Yeah. Women have to deal with so much trash. Johnny, we've come to a point where I ask all my guests this. Would you date me?

Yes Ooh, what a treat Thank you I can't, but I would Thank you I appreciate that Sometimes people are hard no But that's okay

That's their truth But maybe they're playing game Oh Maybe they're saying no Because they're, you know They're saying no So then I start thinking about it Yeah And then we meet later And they're saying no because they're you know they're saying no so then i started thinking about it yeah and then we meet later and they're like actually it's a yes then i'm like oh my god johnny do you have anything you want to promote absolutely tell tell them tell them you

can see me on tour coming up you can find all the dates on johnnypemberton.dog yes that's my website Minneapolis, Milwaukee Iowa, Philadelphia New York, DC I think maybe Baltimore check it out, all of July you're going everywhere you're going to be very tired by August I will be but I look forward to that tired

I like that johnnypemberton.dog or you can go to Instagram Johnny underscore Pemberton and I will also be posting dates

and ticket links for those events. Do you got Twitter? I'm on Twitter but you know I just Twitter is just Twitter is kind of like

just trash now. Bad? It's not good? Yeah. Twitter is very bad. Yeah. If you like this episode

of Why Won't You Date Me you can subscribe. You can rate it five stars. If you send me something nasty, I will read it out loud. This is from a nice friend who said, while you're near Seattle, I'd love to blow a straw full of molly into your ass and eat it out like a rabid raccoon in the dumpster behind the buffet, followed by you riding my face until you break it like you did that toilet in chicago what a highly specific thing to say uh it's very fetishy

it is um my question is is by blowing that molly dust into your ass is he gonna get high or is he gonna let it sit there for a second so you can get some of it and then he'll lick up what doesn't get absorbed like what's good who's gonna get the most high i think they get the most high because i'd have to absorb through my bloodstream and i think that would take a long time well if you shot it into your asshole that's the thinnest blood blood so i guess i would get pretty pretty high if you shot it into, like, you know, past your rectum, if you shot it in there, past your anus, you would get, it might fuck you up like that. Ooh. Hey, my friend, I'm into it.

This is from a person. It says, hello, Nicole. Ooh, baby Nicole. I want to shove a can of whipped cream in your big, beautiful cheeks and have you clench them real hard until the whipped cream spurts out onto my face, which is very, very nice. This person said, shart on my face. Eh, I don't think I could do that. How is this? Isn't a shart all about perception?

I think a shart is when you fart too hard and you shit a little bit. Okay. But it's like a thing where you think you're farting. Yes, and then a little bit of poop comes out. So you couldn't really shart into someone's face unless you were like, oh, fart in my face with the, with the possibility of it being shit. Yes. And I think I have to try it over and over again until a little poop came out.

Yeah. But I'm not like really sharting all the time. I'm just, I'm like a purely sharter. Oh yeah? Pretty much. I don't even fart because it's like, well, yeah. What's the point? I got to release a little bit of shit.

Yeah. Fair. Well, thanks Johnny so much for don't know what's going to happen. I got to release a little bit of shit. Yeah. Fair. Well, thanks, Johnny, so much for being here. Thank you for having me. We got to end on the sharting talk. Outstanding. Okay. Go see Johnny on tour.

Bye-bye. Bye-bye. This has been a Team Coco production.