Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Mormon and Closeted (w/ Bridger Winegar)

Episode Date: March 10, 2023

Writer Bridger Winegar (host of I Said No Gifts!)  joins Nicole to discuss his experience being closeted to himself until the age of 26, being raised Mormon, and the thrill of setting people up on dates. Nicole reads some nasty messages she's received from the Bahamas. Write to Nicole! Submit your dirty pick-up lines, dating stories, or questions to [e-mail] for a chance to have it read on-air. Follow Nicole Byer: Twitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerMerch: podswag.com/datemeNicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Oh, baby, welcome back to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast where me, Nicole Byer, is exploring love and relationships, even though I've never been in one. My guest today is a hilarious writer whose credits include Jimmy Kimmel Live, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, Corporate and Black Monday. Ooh, you know they're the host of the popular podcast, I Said No Gifts, which is a show that I was on one time. It was lovely. I liked it. It's Bridger Weineger.

Oh, Nicole. it it's bridger weiniger bridger how are you listen it's bad it rained here in la i said earlier before we started recording the houses here are made out of marshmallow fluff and once water touches it they melt away and it's like you don't have a roof. I kind of wish that was true. I would rather have had my entire thing just disappear. At this point, the fact that it's kind of standing up is more annoying because I have to fix it. It's very obnoxious. It is very obnoxious. I don't like it. I didn't know you worked at Jimmy Kimmel. I did. That was my first writing job. Well, I was just on Jimmy Kimmel.

This has nothing to do with you. But I talked about how I had a terrible vacation in the Bahamas. And I made some enemies in the Bahamas. Oh, you're kidding. Can I read to you some tweets people tweeted at me? Please. Okay. Well, one lady made a whole video where she called me Peppa the Pig.

No, Peppa Pig Slut. So I changed my Twitter name to Peppa Pig Slut because that made me laugh really, really hard. And I said that the pigs don't swim. They just get fed chicken sausage. So they, like, come to you for it, which is what happened. And I don't know why they're telling me it didn't. So this person tweeted. They said, furthermore, you probably didn't like the swimming pigs

because they reminded you of your fat, sloppy ass. You wanted to eat the hot dog you was feeding them. What? This person is supplying the sausage or something. Maybe. It feels like they are mad you exposed them. Oh, boy. It really,

and then everyone's calling me a liar and I'm like, why would I lie? Why would I pick the Bahamas to lie about? A well-to-do country

where people love vacationing? I've heard about it since I was a kid. I don't know. It's been very, very funny. They really are being mean. That would be a very detailed, specific lie to to be like I went to the Bahamas I was swimming with pigs who is this person all I said was my fantasy ended once they started shitting in the ocean because

they're pigs you know I loved them until they were like plop plop and I was like we gotta get out of here uh my adventure aquatic shoes can only do so much against whatever's in shit. How long were you in the water for? We were there for like it was a whole tour. So we went to Harbor Island, which was like beautiful. They have pink sand. You cannot photograph it because you can't really tell it's pink unless you like bump up the contrast. But it was fucking stunning.

It was so beautiful. And then we went to, I think it was Rose Island for the pigs. They were great. I, they were adorable. I got to hold one. And then we went to Spanish wells,

which is a very interesting Island. I won't talk about it because I don't want people to get even madder at me, but Google it is interesting. Um, and then at the end of the tour, they're like, who wants to snorkel? I was like, we've been on this tour for eight hours.

Take us back home. It was pretty, but boy, oh boy. I felt like I had been to war after I left. I mean, I feel like there's been a lot of backpedaling here on your part. You're saying beautiful, interesting. You're doing everything to cover up whatever you said on Kimmel. Here's the thing. You can have a bad time in a beautiful place that's a nice life lesson yes you can go to the most beautiful place in the whole wide world i went to um barcelona and i loved it but i had

my purse stolen my whole purse was just ripped out of my life but to be fair in their defense i did scream i have mucho dinero which is i have lots of money in spanish no i can have a horrible time anywhere yes put me somewhere and i will make myself miserable don't try me speaking of being miserable um are you in a relationship? I've been miserable for eight years. Eight years? Boy, oh boy, that's a nice long time. How did you meet?

We met on Tinder. I was like, when we met, I was still unbelievably closeted. Oh, really? Like, yeah. I had told literally no people other than the men I went on dates with. Oh. Oh, really? care about people's sexual orientation as much as they do it is mind-boggling like what you do doesn't affect me well it certainly does nicole everything everyone does has a huge effect on my life no people are nosy people are nosy i'm a nosy person i love i'm extremely i love it but like i don't care the gender. I just care about the person. Do you know what I mean?

Right. Right. I just like to hear news and there's no judgment there. It's just like it's fun to hear new gossip. I'm not going to force anything on you. Yeah. I'm not going to tell you how to live your life. Just tell me.

Tell me the Jews. Yes. That like trans ban in Tennessee is so mind boggling to me. Cause I was like, wait, what? Why? What did a drag show ever do? Is like someone in Congress trying to get on drag race and like, they can't get on.

So they're like, well, I'll just ban it. That's probably closer to the truth than we know. It's so, it doesn't, I'm like genuinely confused about know. It's so wild. It doesn't... I'm, like, genuinely confused about it. It's because it's awful. And, I mean, it truly has no basis in logic. It's wild. But it makes me understand why you stayed closeted for so long. Oh, my God.

Well, I'm from Utah. So, it's just like... I mean, I was closeted to myself until I was 26, 27. I mean, it really did a number on me. Okay. So I know it's cliche to ask, growing up in Utah, were you raised Mormon? I was. Full Mormon.

Okay. What is it like being Mormon? It's both simultaneously very strange and extremely boring it's the most uh it's the weirdest boring thing you can do okay uh it's just like you there are like good things you're raised with like be honest work hard that sort of thing but then there's all the other bullshit that's like judge other people, that sort of thing. So some Mormons have like multiple wives, but that's like banned, right? Yeah, so that is now like the mainstream Mormon church no longer practices that.

I think they practice it until like, basically until the government was like, no, you can't do this anymore, which was like the late 19th century, early 20th century. And then when that happened, splinter groups formed and who continue to practice polygamy. Interesting. Are your parents still Mormons? They're still Mormons, yes. Is it one of those things, like I know in some religions, if you leave the religion, they're like, goodbye, we hate you. Is Mormonism the same or is it they're just like, oh, okay. It's I would say it's somewhere in between. I mean, like I have friends whose parents were kind of like, bye. But like most I think most mainstream Mormons at this point are pretty moderate.

So like they deal with it as it comes. Like my parents were perfectly well, not perfectly okay. I think it kind of broke their hearts for a while. But they're cool with me and my boyfriend now. It's not like a Scientology thing where it's like, now I'm a suppressive person or whatever. Oh, okay. That's nice.

That I like. That I'm like, all right. We can be a little disappointed because you get disappointed about people choosing different things, you know? Yeah, you don't like the same food as me. Yeah, I'm disappointed that you don't like lasagna. You didn't like the song I recommended? Okay, I have another question. So you met your boyfriend on Tinder. When did you know that your boyfriend was like the person that

you wanted to be with? That's a really good question because I'm, first of all, extremely indecisive. Second of all, it was very early into me dating or being in gay relationships that I met him. So it was like, there was a long span of, like, I felt like I was in love with him maybe six months in. Okay. But then it was, you know, a while before I was like, is this going to be a full thing that I can hold on to? Mm-hmm. I mean, yeah, who knows what the timing on that is. Who was the one in the relationship first to be like, hey, let's lock this down, and I want to be just with you. And I love you. Who said it first?

Oh, a thousand percent him. He continues to tell people that we went on a date on a Tuesday, and then I went on a date with somebody else on a Thursday. And every time we're in company telling people about our relationship, he brings up this thing of how dare Bridger go on a date with someone else after we went on a date. And like that's and it never works out for him every every time people were like yeah that's normal behavior but he he just says he was like almost immediately in love with me which is wonderful uh very sweet but so nice it took uh some convincing for me. Okay. What's the most romantic thing you or your boyfriend has ever done? Oh, my God. That's a great question. Neither of us is that romantic. I mean, I'm extremely indecisive and panicking about money all the time. So I just never do anything.

And I had been basically lying like, oh, we'll go to France soon. Just saying that, you know, kicking the ball down the court or whatever the thing is. And then one day he just texted me, I got us tickets to France. And then one day he just texted me, I got us tickets to France. And that to me was so unbelievably romantic that he made a decision and he took care of things. He just said, this is what we're doing. And then we went on a nice vacation. That is nice.

I have a friend who was going out with her boyfriend, I think. And he was like, what do you want to eat? And she said, I don't know. And he said, great, get dressed. We're going to this place. And she was like, it was so hot that he just made a choice. Can you imagine the absolute heat from decision making? I mean, I get it. I'm pretty indecisive.

But then, like, once I choose to do something, I'm like, okay, I've chosen. We have to do something, I'm like, OK, I've chosen. We have to do it. I am so unbelievably jealous of that. Is that a behavior you've like kind of worked on or is that just been your natural personality? I think I've been like this my whole life. Like if I decide to do something, I think it has to do with like ADHD and hyper focusing where I'm like, well, this is what I do now. So I'm in the process of putting up wallpaper in my guest bedroom. And I ordered like four samples. But then I was like,

oh, I'm definitely going with this one, this one that I like, I'm pretty sure I like it. I'll get the sample, but I'm pretty sure and then I ordered four paint sample, no five paint samples. But I'm like, I'm 100% sure I'm going to do this color and this color. I just wanted to like confirm it in person. So yeah, pretty decisive. Well, and it's fun to get samples. I think you have to get samples,

ice cream, paint, anything. It's part of the buying process and it's built into the cost, let's be honest. It really is. And this is, it's Pharaoh and ball and they give you these is that the sample can that's a sample can and it's so cute i just got a sample can of paint i just needed a small bit for a door i didn't even know you could buy the sample can i was i was ready to buy like three gallons of paint no no no no you can get a sample can so farrow and ball they do a smaller one if you go to like home to pot they have they're like twice the size of what

i just showed you and then do you know lime wash paint have you discovered that no what's lime wash so lime wash i don't know if you're gonna be able to see the texture on the camera no it just looks flat but it kind of looks like i can see kind of a dith. But it kind of looks like... I can see kind of a dithering. Yeah, it kind of looks like stonish. And you can see the paint strokes. And it's really, really cute. And I had never seen it in person. Wait, and what is that called?

LimeWire? LimeWash. LimeWire is the music website where you can download things. It's kind of a Napster or a, what was the other thing? Kazaa or something. I'm so sorry. Okay. I have another query.

So I have some research on you that my lovely assistant Lindsay did. I love her so much. Okay. So you went to auto shows with your brothers and your dad when you were a kid. Does this mean you're an adult car lover or you just had to go? That's so interesting. First of all, I can't remember ever telling anybody that, so God knows where she gathered that information.

But I kind of went sort of reluctantly as a kid. There were cars I liked to see, and it's fun to see the prototype cars that are basically robots or whatever, like the little peak of the future. And then as I got older, I began to kind of resent my dad and brother's kind of hyper-focus on cars, their obsession with it. So there was a long period when I didn't care about cars. their obsession with it. So there was a long period when I didn't care about cars. Now there are a few cars I have. I finally admitted to myself,

I have dream cars. Okay. Do you want to know what they are? Of course. They're not, they're not that fancy. A Subaru brat, which are you familiar?

I actually am not. It's a gorgeous car. I think they were made, made from like late sevents till early 80s. And it's basically a miniature El Camino. Yeah, it's adorable. It's a little pickup. Isn't that a cute car? And you can get chairs in the back.

You can. This is very, very cute. I would love to get a car like that. You can. It might take a minute, but you can find one. I could, but again, I don't know.

Anything extra is a little hard for me to commit to. I get it. But the other car is a Chrysler LeBaron. Oh, yes, a LeBaron. Convertible Chrysler LeBaron. Oh, gorgeous car. Let me look that up.

I know what they look like, but I just want to see. Ooh, let's see. Chrysler LeBaron. Why won't it just show up? I guess I can't just Google Chrysler and expect it to show up. Ooh, yes. Do you want a two-door?

Did it come in a four-door? No, it only came in a two-door. Okay, two-door. Yeah a two-door? Did it come in a four-door? No, it only came in a two-door. Okay, two-door. Yeah, two-door is great. White or the one with the wood paneling would be great. I mean... Or maybe a snappy red. You could find one of these in very good condition.

They're really... I think that they're like kind of their time has come where people are like, oh, we want LeBaron's. Well, I i mean people sell them on like uh like like a vintage car websites and like you'll find a lot of like wild cars you're like nobody would ever have this and you're like oh my favorite car growing up was a mitsubishi 3000 gt which is an economical japanese sports car i loved it because I was like, it's not that much money. It's attainable.

It's attainable for me. My assistant found out that you loved a Plymouth Prowler. The Plymouth Prowler is a different, my love of that is a different category where I think the car looks it's a wild looking vehicle and the culture surrounding it is very interesting it's kind of like boomer uh let's meet in the sears parking lot culture and uh they're like they do photo shoots of like it's just all very odd very strange i'll go to the message boards on occasion that culture's very weird and the car looks ridiculous it looks like a prying mantis i'm not saying that a prying mantis a prying mantis you bring up a great question here i don't think anyone knows how to say that

is it prying i think it's spelled praying but i think a lot of people say prying but it's clearly like i think it's called praying because its hands are kind of in a prayer. Or let's not say hands, it's little legs? Tentacles? Yeah, I don't know. Yeah, legs, I suppose. But

it does kind of look like a pea mantis. Right? That's what I think. Wait, real quick, Bridger, we have to take a break okay bridger we are back okay so when you first moved to la you lived with a married couple with a newborn baby. Where is this information coming from? This is fascinating. I'm talking too much on podcasts.

I need to shut up. I mean, yeah. Yes, my. Yeah, we were just giving people our whole lives just on the Internet. God knows what I've told people. You kind of just go into a fugue state on a podcast and just release all information. Yeah, my first apartment was with a couple who were like in their late 40s, early 50s, and their baby. I didn't know anyone in LA, so I found them through Craigslist. It was like $600 a month.

Moved in with them. The first night they told me we would be splitting groceries and that it would be $150 a week, which to me at the time I was like, oh, so my bank account will be done in a month. That's a lot of money. It's a lot for basically three people. So $300, but I don't even know how much they were spending on, like, what are they buying? Yeah. What are they buying? One, two. So that's not, wait, you think it was $300 a week and they weren't doing 150 a piece? Yeah. That's my question. Were they each doing 150? So are they spending $450 a week on groceries?

You're buying very good meat. That's wild. They're like, we're so hungry. But I told, that was like the first problem because it's like, well, I can't do that. And then they began to kind of resent me and I didn't want to talk to them because they were very strange. And then the other little thing that I, an early red flag was I came in and this, the woman was watching a movie. I believe it was the Adam Sandler movie Jack and Jill. And I said, oh, how's the movie? And she said, that's funny, but it's not Shrek funny.

And I thought, this is a fascinating person. But like two and a half or three months in, I told them I was moving out and they freaked out. They were furious. Oh were furious. Oh, no.

It was month to month. You can't blame me. Yeah, you set this up. You said you can leave at any time. It's month to month. Right. What's the problem with that? So we left on not good terms.

I feel like one of them recently tried to add me on Instagram or something and I said, no, thank you. I love when people you don't like say you're like your friendship or your acquaintanceship doesn't end well and then they try to like get back in your life like i had a roommate where we had a very bad altercation at the end of our roommateship and then they they also did something really terrible to me that i don't need to unpack right now because i'll unpack it in therapy sometimes for the end of the podcast but um she recently she had been dming me i didn't realize this for years being like what hey you

know you were one of my best friends what happened between us wasn't between us it was like other people come to my wedding and i was like oh lord um friend no come to your wedding we haven't spoken in 20 years oh wait you got a wedding invitation through a message request sure did sure did on you know instagram has like your friends and then like people you don't know and it was in the people you don't know because i don't follow her and uh or them i'm trying to keep it ambiguous they were they were well the cat's out of the bag but yeah they were basically like spamming you to get you to go to their wedding. And I'm not going to your wedding. We ended off terribly. You've got to get back in touch.

No, never. You know, you need to get in touch with that baby. How old do you think that baby is now? The baby, that I haven't thought about. I've been picturing a baby for the last 11 years. The baby's probably in sixth grade at this point. You got to reach out and be like, I was there when you were a baby. No, I'm kidding.

Don't do that. That would be so weird. Wow. You've really opened my eyes to something that I had not considered. I just thought this has been a baby. Babies grow up. You heard it here first. That baby could be listening to the podcast right now.

I wonder. Hello, baby. Hello, baby. Imagine that baby's like obsessed with your career and listens to everything you do. Oh, no. Just thinking of gifts to give you on your podcast. They're like, I have this old binky.

That's the only baby thing I can think of. The baby's been holding on to a binky for its entire life gotta give it to bridger he left me as a baby wow wow wow i do love that that woman holds shrek as the the beacon of comedy that is such a gold standard a beautiful way it's not as funny as shrek this was a little funnier than shrek that is on par with that's funny oh but god bless them you know it was a place to stay for a minute i wonder how many people who don't like that trans like trans the the who signed the anti-trans bill i wonder how many of those people watch jack and jill because in the ann sandler and drag oh that's a good question yes i bet they all did and they probably loved it right i always think of that i'm like so like you're not okay with

performances but you're okay with like medea and big mama's house totally and like i don't know tom hanks got his start in bosom buddies wasn't that like two men who posed as women and we all love tootsie introduce me to one person who doesn't like tootsie i don't care where you are in the political spectrum you love tootsie tootsie is great i recently saw it for the first time it's a great movie yeah it's very fun i mean it's a little scary in some ways but it's very fun. I mean, it's a little scary in some ways, but it's a wonderful movie. You know, it doesn't really hold up, you know, exactly that well. But it's fun. You know what's a good movie?

The Minions Rise of Gru. I just watched it on my flight yesterday. It's great. It's good? I've never seen a Minions film. Oh, Bridget. It is just as funny, if not funnier than Shrek. Okay. I'm downloading it now. I mean, I genuinely really love it. Okay. Bridger,

here is a question. So when you were dating as a closeted person, did the people you date have issue with that? Like, were they fine? Or were they like, hey? Um, only one of them had kind of an issue, like a guy that I like the first person I began sort of seriously seeing. It's not that he had a problem with it, but that he was just like, you should probably do something about this. It's like for your own good. but it wasn't it didn't feel pushy or anything it was just like you know you're 30 years old that sort of thing um he didn't convince me didn't change my mind he was not the one he simply wasn't the one but bless his heart uh it was like the reason i finally came out was because I met Jim and it was like, oh, this person's going to be in my life for a while. I can introduce him to people. And it felt like secure.

That's nice and sweet. I hope so. I like that. I like to occasionally say something nice about my boyfriend. It's like he's just going to, he's going to be around, so I might as well just introduce him to people. I'm going to have to. Okay, what is like the worst date you ever went on? The worst, so the worst date with a man I ever went on was, I went on a single date when I was in Utah.

Like I was back home visiting my parents and I went on a Tinder date with someone who truly did not speak the entire meal. I'm not sure where he was in his journey. I bought us some very nice Indian fried chicken. It was delicious. I'm afraid that place closed down, which is such a drag. He didn't talk. We sat there almost essentially in silence. I mean, I tried to, you know, I kept trying to get the conversation going, but he probably said a total of 10 words over the course of an hour. What do you make of that?

That's always mystifying. It's mystifying to me when somebody goes i guess there are quiet people but if i was a quiet like a known quiet person and i go on a date with somebody i'm gonna be like hey just so you know i'm like a pretty quiet person so i love silence if that's okay then like let's go out i will warn Right, and maybe people are probably into that. There are people out there that love that. But when you kind of just show up and that's your personality and you don't explain it, it becomes a confusing situation. It's like, I felt like I was there with my, I don't even know what the relationship could be,

like your angry son or something. God, my son is so angry with me. I guess he doesn't like his chicken. Yeah, that was probably... That's funny. Probably the worst date I ever went on. Most of my dates have been pretty positive experiences, even when I was wildly dating women.

Okay, here's a question. When you were dating women, were you, okay, because some gay men are like, ick, yuck, pussy, titties, yuck, yuck, yuck. Do you feel like you were like that at all? Or were you like, yeah, what did it feel like to date women

even though you might not have been sexually attracted to them? Well, I'm not repulsed by the female form. So if that's the concise answer to the question. I knew I wasn't interested. I knew there was no draw for me whatsoever.

But I wasn't like, oh my god, I'm gonna have to what am I gonna have to do here? I guess this is what being straight is. I guess in my God, I'm going to have to, what am I going to have to do here? It's like, I guess this is what being straight is. I guess in my mind, I was like, I guess this is how men feel about women. They essentially are completely numb. But that, like, once I came to terms with who I am and bisexuality, it's like, oh, now I just feel like a bad person that I'm dating women and, like, I know it's going to go nowhere. Mm-hmm. I feel like that's why it's, like, not important to talk to sexuality to the kids.

Not kids, but, like, I don't know, in your preteens when you start feeling feelings for other people. I think it's nice to be like, hey, the feelings you feel towards that person are good and normal. And it's great. As opposed to having to go through so many years of like, I guess we're just dead inside as we date around. Totally. I mean, I think often, well, I try not to because it's kind of sad, but I'm like, if I had been, if any of this had been explained to me, what would high school have actually been like for me? It's like my reality was so far removed from an average high schooler because I just didn't know what to do with myself. Maybe the fear is that if everyone has a nice time, the world will end.

I don't know. There's only enough good times for a certain amount of people gotta divvy them up i guess so um i like i don't i'm like not interested in dating right now um i just i've been in the streets for too long i'm cold i'm wet i'm tired i have to go inside long I'm cold I'm wet I'm tired I have to go inside and I like met this guy and we started texting and I didn't know what his intentions were and then he made them known today and then I felt really bad when I was like oh I'm not looking to date right now and then he said something he was just like thank you so much for letting me know. And then was like, do you want to continue this as like a friend thing? But I feel weird saying sure.

Because I'm like, you feel like you want to be romantic with me. So it feels mean. Yeah, clearly. Almost to continue like being a, like we don't know each other to continue a friendship. And we know he still has that hope in his heart that like eventually you'll cave and be like, OK, I'm ready to date you now. And yeah, yeah, that feels like tricky territory. It feels like I'm entrapment.

It feels like entrapment that I've tried to do to men for years. Hey, we can just be friends and then you wake up on a Tuesday and want to marry me. It's a good plan. I'm sure it's worked for a lot of people. You've got to have a strategy. I wonder if it has. I always have a strategy and they never fucking work. I am always wheeling and dealing and the world is like, bitch, stop it.

Just sit still. One day it's going to happen. I don't know, but I'm getting old. I did see this Instagram where this lady was like, I'm almost 40 years old. I've never been kissed. I've never had sex. I've never had a relationship.

And that is okay. Because life doesn't happen the same way for everybody else. And I was like, damn, that lady's secure with this and I'm not. I don't know if I'll ever be. It's too bad that people can't be. Like, that's not a more, like, it's been so stigmatized of, like, you've got to have had sex by the time you're 14 or you're not cool. But, like, I mean, well, yeah, I think that's nice. Good for her.

It is nice. And I really, really liked it. And I was like, she's right. Shit doesn't happen at the same time for everybody but like how is she okay with it and then like there was a bunch of comments that are like she's not actually okay with it she's just saying it and i'm like i don't know maybe she is faking it till she makes it but like i needed to hear it it was nice to hear and i don't know where's the movie of like a single lady who who's single at the end and happy?

Wouldn't that be a nice end to a movie rather than ending up with some horrible actor? Right? She's just like, actually, no thanks. And then like some empowering music comes and she walks into the sunset alone. I'm all I need coming to theaters I was going to ask you do you like to set people up? I once set up two friends years and years and years ago he had a crush

this kid had a crush on my friend and he was like how do I get her to go out with me and I was like honestly just tell her you want to take her out you're a cutie and then he did and they dated for a while. But I think that's the last people I set up. Okay.

Because I'm obsessed with it. I'm constantly thinking about setting people up. I haven't succeeded in years. Oh. But I just know a lot. I mean, in LA, all of the good, it's all women who want to date men. And it's just like, I know two good men for every 100,000 good women. So it's a challenge.

It is a challenge. But also, I am open to dating any old person. I don't identify as anything. I'm just Nicole the slut looking for love. But yeah, I'm not like, but then again, I'm not like actively looking for non-men. So like my search is pretty heteronormative, but I just keep the, it's like I live in like the straight house, but all the doors and windows are open and anyone can come in. I don't think that's a bad place to be at all.

Thank you. I think it's embarrassing when people are just straight. I'm like, oh, that's so gross. It's 2023. Have some fun. I'm completely on board with that. Thank you so much. Okay, so wait, when's the last time you set somebody up?

I mean, that's the thing. Kind of probably 2010 or something. It's been a long time. Yeah, same for me. I'm still chasing that high. It's very exciting when it works out. And then you're like, I've improved both of these people's lives. My boyfriend has recently kind of gotten after me for trying. He's like, you have to leave people alone. If it ends up bad, you're part of the bad equation. Maybe I just like to be in

people's business. Maybe that's really what's going on. I mean, it's one of my favorite things to know things about people and then have a friend come over for wine, and then we talk about whatever, and then they go, do you have any gossip going on? And I'm like, actually, yes. You can't tell anybody, but it's one of my favorite things to do. I've almost started leading with that question.

I'm like, let's just cut this shit with all the other conversation topics. I'm just like, what have you heard? It's always fun to hear a nice little piece of gossip. During the pandemic, I was so gossip starved. But now we're in these streets, people are misbehaving. Oh, it's getting fun again. During the pandemic, when we would occasionally have somebody over to like sit in the backyard,

it really felt like they had crossed the prairie to spread some news. It was like, please bring any sort of information about other people. It was so satisfying to hear a piece of gossip. I loved it. I loved it. I loved it. I have a question. Okay.

So you were in the closet for a long time, which is like kind of like secret keeping. Speaking of like spilling the gossip. So like you're good at keeping secrets do you think that affected your ability to share things with your partner i to share with anybody i mean it's really a thing that i've been like i continue to have to work through it's like uh just being intimate with other people is extremely difficult for me i mean i've gotten better, but sharing opinion, I mean, like even little opinions is hard for me to do, let alone like big feelings. I mean, I think being on like hosting a podcast really helped me with that actually. It's just

like, oh, you have to say something on this microphone. and my boyfriend is on the opposite end of the spectrum there where he like he shares every feeling that and thought that comes to him at all times so he's helped me kind of along with sharing information but i'm still kind of a brick wall i kind of feel you with that i um i i don't know why I do I hide a lot behind like bits and stuff like when I date people even for like two three months I'm still like bits bits bits

bits no you can't know an actual opinion that I have you can't know what my hopes dreams and wishes are you can't know that um I don't know I can't think of anything really deep right now but yeah I have a hard time I can't think of anything really deep right now. But yeah, I have a hard time. I think it's because if I'm jokey and stupid, I'm like, if you reject that, that's fine. Because it's a joke and I'm being silly. But it's like, if I'm like actually real

with you, and don't tell you a story filled with jokes, it's like, and if you're not interested, that means you're rejecting me as a person, you hate me as a person, and I'd rather not do that. Completely. I mean, jokes are cheap. They're free to us, that means you're rejecting me as a person. You hate me as a person. And I'd rather not do that. I mean, jokes are cheap. They're very they're free to us. And you can provide as many as you want. But like yourself is like I've got the one thing. And if it doesn't work for this person, then oh, no.

Yeah. Oh, no. What do we do? I went on a date with the man. This was a while ago. And maybe I've told this story before. But Bridger, you haven't heard it. I haven't. So I went on a date with this man.

He asked me when my birthday was. And I said, August 29th, same as Michael Jackson. Only one of us celebrates. And he... And I laughed really hard. And he goes, wow, you thought that was really funny. You could keep that one. And I was like, oh!

Oh, that's to me, like, even if you don't find something funny, like, an aggressive response like that is like, where are you coming from as a person? How do you survive in the world? Yeah, why are you so mean? But, like, it

didn't bother me because I was like, oh, yeah, okay, I'll keep that joke. I'll keep that to myself. I'll save it for my podcast, you asshole. And I was like, mental note, don't tell that man anything that might actually hurt your feelings. Of course. But then later I did. How long did that last?

That lasted for three months right until right before the pandemic. I had said to him, I was like, I really like you. And he was like, I really like you.

And I was like, do you want to like, hang out during the day? And maybe like, you introduce me to your friends. And then he goes, I don't know if I believe in monogamy. And I was like,

okay. Could have told me that up top. Oh, God. But now he's in a monogamous relationship. Of course. I'm a super sleuth. I'm Harriet the Spy. And I think he's engaged now.

And it's really good. Really good for him. What a dream. Good for him and whatever joyless bore he found. Yeah. That stupid bitch. She's probably the nicest lady in the world. That's probably true. She has to be. To be in a relationship with this person. Yeah. That stupid bitch. She's probably the nicest lady in the world. She probably has.

That's probably true. She has to be, to be in a relationship with this person. Cause this man, he's so mean. He was so mean. He hated anytime I was, okay,

I'm a late person. I understand it's rude and I'm not like respecting your time and stuff, but like, listen, I have ADHD. Before I leave the house, there's 10 million things I have to do before I get in the car and finish tasks that I've never started. But he would get so mad and would be like snippy for like the first 15, 20 minutes of our dates. And I'm like, oh, God, I just got to be on time.

Maybe he'll like me. And then one time I was on time and then he was still pretty snippy. And I was like, I think this man hates me. And I was like, I'm going to make him like me. And then he was like, nah, bitch. You shouldn't have to work that hard to get somebody to like you. Let me ask you this, Nicole. I'm always very on time, probably to a fault.

And I have a lot of friends who are not on time at all. What do you think about me scheduling things or telling the person, let's meet at 5 o'clock when I know I'm going to meet them at 5.30? Knowing that they'll show up at 5.30. Is that dishonest? No, it's really good. I might start doing that.

It's really, really good. Because if we make plans nine times out of ten, I'm going to say, hey, I'm running 15 minutes late. 15 minutes means 25 minutes to a half hour. 15 just sounds more appropriate. So when we get dinner, I tell you, let's meet at 3 p.m. and I'll show up at 7 p.m. and we'll be good. And I will get there at 930. I will have a weapon. Well, it just like I get it.

Like people love beyond time. It just I feel like I like I should just tell people like it's a disability. OK, or I don't know if ADHD is a disability. I'm neurotypical. I don't know. What is it? Neuroatypical? Oh, what's neuro disability, okay? Or I don't know if ADHD is a disability. I'm neurotypical. I don't know. What is it? Neuroatypical? What's neurodivergent?

That seems... I don't know. I feel like I've heard that. It's neuro-something. Something's going on with the brain that you can't help. No. Hmm. And it's really awful.

I truly wait until the time I'm supposed to be somewhere to leave. And then I'm like sitting in traffic being like, I don't know. I don't know. And are you like in that moment, are you like sweating, panicking? Or are you just like, well, this is what it is. No, sweating and panicking and driving like a maniac. I hate to hear that. Like a full-blown crazy person.

Lay back and relax. You're already late. Have the time of your life. I can't because I know everyone's going to be mad at me because I'm consistently so late. At my job on Grand Crew, they schedule me a half

hour earlier than I'm supposed to be. So even professionally, you're late. Yeah. Wow. That's amazing. I've never held up production. That is my saving grace. I'm late, but I've never held up production. OK, that is my saving grace. I'm late, but I've never held up production. But they don't want it to ever happen. So they scheduled me a half hour.

I remember once we were on location. And if you don't know what that means, if you're listening, it just means we're not shooting on a soundstage at a lot. We're just at the actual location that the the scene is set in. And I got there right at my call time, like 5 a.m. on the dot, maybe four 50, four 59. We're all in.

Transpo hadn't even landed with the trailers yet. That line producer was exposed. Uh huh. And then I asked, I was like, do you schedule me early? And they were like, what do you think?

And I said, I understand like, do you schedule me early? And they were like, what do you think? And I said, I understand. Thank you so much. But now you have that information. Are you now showing up even later? What's going on? No. So I know I have a grace period from my call time to my actual call time. So I always shoot for what is written on the call sheet.

I'm always working and striving for that um and does it happen hardly ever this is stressing me out in a huge way i know it stresses a lot of people out and people think it's disrespectful but i'm telling you even at four o'clock in the morning i wake up and i'm like i better braid my dog's hair and it's like for what that's important what if it meets a nice guy doesn't want to look like a mess yeah what if Clyde meets somebody he's got a purple tail and he doesn't have a braid in his hair like they're gonna say you're not fashionable um okay Bridger I have a question what is your advice to me a single woman who is 47 years old um what is your advice what is my advice just as far as like uh the world of love

wait before you do that i have to toss to another break oh break time another break. Oh, break time. Okay. Cliffhanger of all cliffhangers. I think I think the advice I want is like not to be happy with myself

and that it's going to come and it comes but like how to actively get somebody. Ooh, I think. Okay. What was, do you remember what you said on Tinder to snatch that man? That's a great question. I'm sure it was something embarrassing. Because on every dating service,

you are either trying to be as chill as possible or you're trying too hard. Neither really works. There's no way to effectively communicate on a dating app that actually conveys your personality. If you're trying to be funny, it flops. I mean, nothing really works. So I try to just keep it as short as possible. A lot of haze and just quick answers. We're trying to get to in-person as quickly as possible before I destroy it through text. But this is what I'll say.

Experiment more. Push the boundaries. When you go on a date, just do whatever you want. Treat it as your little fun time. Make it an exciting time for you. And if the other person's into your exciting time, great. If they're not, well, be your most extreme self in these situations.

It's almost like performance art. What's a good restaurant to take a date to? Oh, to take a date to? I just went to this place. It's called Antica Nuovo, maybe? Oh, where's that? Italian place down, I think it's in Koreatown. Oh, I've been there.

What is the name? Can you correct me? Because I feel like I didn't say the name right. Antico Nuovo, I think. Yes. So good. There's not a window in the restaurant, which usually is a problem,

but it feels very cozy. It feels like a warm cave you're in. The food's so good. That's probably my number one choice. Also, but for a first date, Clark Street Diner. Clark Street Diner? Where's that? It's on Franklin right before the 101.

The food is so good. The atmosphere is nice. It's just, you know, a diner. It was called something else, right? Yeah, back when the food wasn't very good. It's been taken over. And now the food's amazing. It's so comfortable.

Oh, it was Cafe 101. Yes, yes. God bless that restaurant. It's Cafe 101. Yes, yes. God bless that restaurant. It's so good. The food's truly very good, like, diner food. But, like, actual care is being put into it. The staff is friendly. I have no complaints.

Okay. I want to move in. You want to move in? I want to live in that diner. Well, you can live above it. Isn want to live in that. Well, you can live above it. Isn't there a best Western above it? Oh,

that's true. I just move into the motel. Imagine living in a, I know people live in, in hotels, um, or like motels or whatever, but there's some people who live in like Marriott's like, and like fancy hotels.

Not that Marriott's fancy, but you know, like we'll have like an apartment at the four seasons. And I'm like, but if you hotels. Not that Marriott's fancy, but you know. Like we'll have like an apartment at the Four Seasons. And I'm like, but if you have money like that, why don't you live in a home? Right. I mean, the money you're spending on a hotel room is absurd. Right?

But I guess some people just love to watch their money just fly out the door, just burning it. Isn't there like a story or a movie about a little girl who lives in a hotel? Oh, Tilda? No. Adelaide? No. Madeline? It's like in the Madeline Adelaide category. I wish I could remember her name. Me too.

The idea of living in an expensive hotel, your life is either truly amazing or you're like going through a horrible divorce. Oh, Eloise. Eloise. Thank you, Mars. But there's no in between when you're living in an expensive hotel. You're not just like, oh, life is fine.

I agree. Did you know if you really wanted to, you could live at Margaritaville in the bahamas if that is something that you want i looked it up while i was there i was like can i live here can you buy like a margaritaville condo you can buy a margaritaville condo that's great and i thought about it because i love margaritaville and now margaritaville is no longer just an idea it's an actual actual place. It is an actual place. They have signs everywhere that say, if your sandal breaks, let us know.

We'll run you a new one. And when it came time for me to get a new sandal, nobody knew what we were talking about. Oh, no. The company policy fell apart. Nobody knew. It was very, very fun. Bridger, we've come to the end.

Do you have anything that you want to promote? Yes, why not? You were just on my podcast, I Said No Gifts. You were an incredible guest. You were so delightful. My podcast is called I Said No Gifts. People bring me a gift once a week, and my home is now overflowing with objects I didn't ask for. That's fun.

It's a good time. We have a nice time over there. Bridger, will you keep me updated about your home and water situation? Of course. We have the foreman coming tomorrow. I've got a big plan. He's got a big plan. We're going to see what happens next. What's the plan? Can I know? Of course.

On the other side of the house, they're going to break up the concrete, dig way down to the foundation. Okay. Waterproof all of that. Put in a French drain. Oh, I've heard about French drains. I mean, I don't know. I feel like there's a chance that the water is coming from another dimension or something, and there's just nothing we can do with this reality to stop it. But that, to me, is the only other thing we can do to this room.

What else do you do? I don't know, but what if you drill down to the earth you find the water supply it's actually built on top of water and aquaman and then those people from black panther 2 appear what would you do i would i would join their ranks i mean i find this underwater kingdom i'd be like you're out to destroy my home good for you i'm obviously in the way what can i do to help i like that you gave up so easily all right have my house i'll join welcome to my personality i love it so much bridger thank you so much for being here. This was delightful. Oh, thank you for having me.

Such a good time. Okay. Well, if you like this episode of Why Won't You Date Me, you can like it. You can rate it. You can give it like five stars or whatever at Apple Podcasts. And if you write me something nasty to whywon'tyoudatemepodcast at gmail.com, you have to hit on me. It has to be nasty. I will read it.

me it has to be nasty i will read it and this nice person says dear nicole if you could come perform a show in vancouver or better victoria bc i would show you my gratitude as a fellow pole dancer after the show i will park a chair right underneath the pole for you to sit on i will spin around the pole and all of your glorious teehee presence until i squirt so hard you thought it had rained. Boy, oh boy. Can't think of anything I like worse. Okay. Bye bye. That's it for Why Won't You Date Me with me, Nicole Byer. Why Won't You Date Me is produced and engineered by, oh, the sweetest woman I know, Marissa Melnick. It is executive produced by other wonderful people, Adam Sachs, Joanna Solo-Taroff, and Jeff Ross. Thanks for

listening. I love you. Thank you so much. We'll be seeing you next Friday with a brand new episode. What a treat. What a dream. this has been a team coco production