Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Moving On After a Nasty Breakup (w/ Marty Michael)

Episode Date: December 20, 2019

Nicole starts the episode with a DM from her doppelgänger who's been taking advantage of her likeness. Marty Michael (Co-Founder of Headgum) shares a wild first date he had with a girl who's life was spiraling out of control, how him and Amir Blumenfeld bonded over breakups, and why he started counseling after a bad relationship. They also discuss camping, Nicole's new motorcycle, and Nicole shares her latest Tinder messages with an obsessed fan. Be sure to rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Leave a dirty comment for a chance to have it read on-air. Follow Nicole Byer: Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdates Twitter: @nicolebyer Instagram: @nicolebyer Facebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedy Buy Merch: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/nicole-byer?ref_id=964

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Oh baby! Welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? It's a podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single. Even though you could come in all of my shoes and never clean it out.

And I would wear them and I would be grateful. Splish splash. Yeah. Splish splash. My feet are taking a bath. My guest today, he is the co-founder of HeadGum. He is third daddy HeadGum, Marty Michael. Hi.

Hello, Marty. Has anyone ever introduced you as Third Dutty? Not on a podcast, no. Oh, okay. Well, you are Third Dutty. Also, I didn't know that you co-founded Headgum. Yeah, I had met Jake and Amir working at College Humor. I feel like that I knew.

Yeah, so it all kind of came out of that. But what were you doing at College Humor? The same thing you do here? Kind of. I was selling advertising at College Humor? The same thing you do here? Kind of. I was selling advertising at College Humor. That's what you do here. Yeah, amongst other things. But I basically oversee all the business stuff here.

Stuff. I love using the word stuff. I mean, it's an encompassing word, stuff. Yeah. And what I found out about running a company is there's a lot of stuff. What is the hardest stuff that you learned about? Probably managing stuff, all of it, like keeping it organized, making sure it all happens. Organization is key, but also super hard. Marty, can I tell you about something that happened to me? Yes, please. This has nothing to

do with love or relationships, but I got a DM from this woman and she said, you will probably never read this, but I'm gonna say things to you anyway. I get mistaken for you everywhere I go and I love it. I get into bars for free, I drink for free, and I sign autographs. Initially, initially

I was like, who is this chick? But then my cupcake-obsessed preteen and I ended up watching your show. I love seeing representation of my body, my type and my personality. I am honored to be mistaken for you. Then she wrote LOL. She's a menace. I love her so much.

I think it's really funny to like one get mistaken for somebody, but then two to be like, no, I'm her. Well, here's the funny thing. My dad used to do the same thing. People used to think when we were in airport, sometimes that he was Jerry Seinfeld.

Really? Yeah. I know. I don't look at anything like it, but my dad is, looks very different than me. And he would say, ha ha.

No, but I am his brother. So like, I get it. I kind of get it. Like that's the sense of humor I grew up with. So I understand this. That's so funny.

So people would be like, Oh my God, Jerry Seinfeld. He'd be like, I'm his brother. No, sorry to let you down, but I am his brother.

That is so funny. Do you ever like take pictures of people? No, I don't think so. I think once they found out it was his brother, nobody cared. They were just like, Oh,

who cares? You're not Jerry Seinfeld. But also to think that Jerry Seinfeld would be in your local airport means you're crazy at the peak of side that man has his own jet yeah at least there's no way he's at the orlando airport whoa we did fly it out of orl a couple times but orlando is not for me i don't like place. I didn't feel safe when I was in Orlando. It's too hot. It is too hot. It was too muggy.

Although the last night I was there, I did smoke a bunch of weed and walk around a Walmart and eat bags of chips. It's the only cold place. Yeah, it was nice. Everyone left me alone. It was a good time. Wait, the DM, do we know where this woman lives?

Do we know where she lives like did she say like what area she's like going around pretending to be you no but i have her or like instagram handle like is it a big city or a small i'm just like trying to figure out what the vibe of these people that are coming up to her is like it must be a relatively big city i guess i mean i guess here's what she looks like i don't think that's fun i don't think that's a really professional photographer like not at all what i expected like she's i don't know i guess i envisioned someone that looked like you but like in a small town like people oh she lives in new york yeah it's like okay the opposite yeah because it's

this is like a professional photo. Yeah. But I don't think we look alike. My roommate, John Millheiser, my roommate, he put us together in a picture, and he was like, well, I don't know which one's you. And I still don't really know if he was joking. But I don't think we look alike. I think it's really funny that there's a woman running around just being like,

yep, I'm her. They want me to sign something. That's so, I wonder if she's offering to sign things. Like does, does she have a big following on Instagram? That's a very professional photo.

I'm very confused. I love that you're obsessed with this professional. I was like, I wonder what, like how she's getting away with this. Like she has, she's got 27,000 followers. So she's doing pretty good. She's like got her own identity, but now she's assuming away with this. She's got 27,000 followers, so she's doing pretty good.

So she's got her own identity, but now she's assuming and absorbing yours, which doesn't make any sense. I mean, hey, if people are happy and they're excited, then keep doing you, girl. And then I don't even know if she listens to the podcast. She may never know that I read it.

Well, this also happens to me a lot, right? Because people think that I'm Jake. Often. You do look alike. And I hang out with Amir. So it's like, you know, very, I can see how people get easily confused. But Jake lives in New York, right? Now he does, yeah.

Which is like crazy. How do they do their podcast? Well, he travels here a lot because he has two podcasts that he does out of LA. He has this, If I Were You, and he also has Not Another D&D podcast. Sweet. So he's literally here probably for four days every three weeks. That's crazy. Some would call it crazy.

I guess it's not that bad. Some would call it passionate, dedicated. I mean, I'm only in LA four days a week. Yeah, I was going to say, wait, hold on for a second. Because literally every time you come in here, it's like eight different cities right before you got back. Yeah, okay. Yeah, I just got back from Buffalo. See, that's close to New York.

That's in New York, actually. It is in New York, but it's like six hours away from the city. Did you have wings? Yes, and you knew to not call them buffalo wings. Of course not. Are you from Buffalo? No, absolutely not. Then how did you know?

I actually just wanted to shorten it. I had no idea that you don't call them Buffalo wings. Oh, they like freak out when you call them Buffalo wings. But didn't they invent it? Wouldn't they want to call them Buffalo wings? Yes, but they're just called wings there. Okay, right. Of course.

Because you're in Buffalo. But I was standing outside my hotel and this man was talking to his girlfriend. He was like, should we get chicken wings or salmons? And I was like, it's just one salmon. But also, it's totally different things. Yeah. Okay. It was very confusing.

Everyone in Buffalo was really confusing. We got back to the hotel, and there was this really hot dude. So I have a fur coat with flames on it because I am tacky. And I walked in. He was like, oh, I like that coat flames and I always go coming in hot because then that makes that person lose their mind because they're like that's a funny joke that you just came up with I'm like oh it's just in my repertoire right now um and then I was like oh he's cute and then my friend Chris he was like let's go outside and talk to him and I was like all right I'm to fuck this dude in Buffalo. And then we start talking.

And he was like, I'm here from Canada. And I was like, oh, OK. And he's like, yeah, you ever heard of Canada? And I was like, sure have. He was very drunk. And he's like, I said, why are you here? And he said, I'm here with my kid for a hockey tournament. And then this next part, I'm just repeating what he said.

He goes, my kids aren't even good at hockey. He's ****. And I was like, you can't say that. And he's like, you know, he's just, he's badly behaved and he's ugly and I hate him. And this man just like roasted his child for like a good 15 minutes and then went, I'm kidding, but I'm not. He sucks. And then i was like i can't fuck this this is still all the same person this is a lot yeah his name was matt and he was crazy but he was like really hot maybe i should bleep that r word i used hard r

i just don't want anyone to get mad at me but like i didn't say it he said it loudly in front of the hampton inn in buffalo new york none of this is shocking to me i dated a girl once from outside outside of buffalo uh north tonawanda not what north tonawanda i believe that was the city uh is that like a Native American word? It could be. I didn't look into it while I was there, but it's, I mean, it's a very small town. It's so crazy that so many streets and cities in America are named after Native Americans after we murdered them. It would be like if a murderer became mayor and was like, I'm going to name all the streets

after the women I've killed. Yeah, that's bad. It's crazy. It's all bad. Okay, so how did you meet this girl? In New York City. She was working there. Did you live in New York City? girl? Uh, in New York city. She was working. Did you live in New York city?

Yeah, I was in New York. Do we not, you don't know anything about my backstory, huh? Um, that's where I met Jake and Mira was in at college. I like to not know anything about the people I work with. That's right. Co-workers. I, uh, I worked and lived in New York for eight years after college. Oh, so I went to school in Pennsylvania and then went straight to New York.

Ew. Where in Pennsylvania? then went straight to New York. Ew, where in Pennsylvania? Lehigh University. I was a division one track and field and cross country athlete. I'm surprised you don't know that. I tell everyone. Wait, what was your sport? Was it the four by four?

No, no, no. It was cross country and then long distance on the track. So not the four by four? Nothing fast and nothing super athletic. What about the 400 meter? No, see, that just a one of the four the 200 meter hurdles i don't know anything about you're getting farther away okay here's i don't

know anything about the running part of track i was i did shot put with the other fat ladies um yeah it was very funny they would like have us like at the back and then they'd be like all right the meat's over we're losing by a little throw that and then they'd be like, alright, the meet's over. We're losing by a little. Throw that ball! And you'd be like, we won! And he'd be like, we did it! So you were good at shot put. Oh, it was great. It was great. I never practiced but I could throw it like 30 feet was my beginning.

Did you go to a big high school or a small high school? Couldn't tell you. Yeah, and where was it again? Where'd you go? Middletown, New Jersey. I go uh middletown new jersey i went to middletown high school south uh so i'm sure somebody will tell me whether it was a big or small school when this comes out i mean i went to i think it's medium that's probably that's no i think it's a big city i mean there were kids that ran with me from middleton what's your fastest mile the fastest mile i ever ran was somewhere around like 420. Mine is 18.

Well, I can't throw a shot put nearly as far as you either. Oh, man. Running is so hard. You probably could throw a shot put. It's not that hard. No, trust me. I can't. It's really not that hard.

No, I have tiny arms and tiny legs and I get to carry them long distances. And it's very easy for me. Oh, wait. You mean thin, not like short yeah no I am tall which is nice but I am mostly built for long distance

how tall are you? I'm six foot two inches is that good for you? yeah I think it's pretty good I think if I was two more inches I'd be like my passion

my real passion is basketball which I play all the time you play three times a week yeah did I bring that up pretty good so if if I was like two or three more inches I think I would Like, my real passion is basketball, which I play all the time. You play three times a week. Yeah. Did I bring that up already? Good. So if I was, like, two or three more inches, I think I would be, like, I would have played in high school and other stuff that would have maybe led to other things. Wait, why didn't you play in high school?

I was really short. I didn't hit puberty until I was 17 and a half. I was, like, I grew six to eight inches. I think it was, like, six inches in between my junior and senior year in high school. Did you get back to high school and was like everyone like, damn, I better suck that dick. He tall now.

Well, here's the thing about, okay, so I felt like that a little bit, but I also like got my braces. Like a lot happened to me that summer and I came back and I was totally different. But in high school, it kind of feels like who you are is solidified in high school.

Like you don't get to change that. I guess so. So the real glow up happened for me going into college where I could like redefine who I was and stuff. When did you get your first girlfriend? Right away in college. Really? Yeah.

Yeah. You like step foot on campus and some girl was like, yummy. No, I think I, well, I think I was getting different attention than I did in high school and then I wanted all of it sure sure sure so I jumped in the first thing that was there um to a girl that I really cared about but it was not it was not a relationship I should have been in because of my background and what I needed out of college and then wait how long were you in that relationship probably like

two and a half three years dang your first relationship was two and a half, three years. Dang. Your first relationship was two and a half, three years? Yeah, off and on. But yeah. That's crazy. I know. And then after that, so your senior year of college, did you have a girlfriend? Yeah, kind of. I had broken up with the one that we were just talking about. And then I started dating somebody else towards the end.

Are you a serial monogamist? I was up until probably three years ago. What happened three years ago? I broke up with a girl. And you broke up with her? No, it was mutual, actually. It was very mutual. What does mutual mean?

Does that mean like you guys sat down for dinner and then both of you looked at each other and you're like, I don't think I want to eat dinner with you again. One ordered the wigs, one ordered the salmons, and we decided it wasn't meant to be. There was no mutual ground. No, I think we had tried multiple times, like getting back together. And then the last time we just realized that we kept pushing something that like we really

cared about each other, but it wasn't going to be there for either of us. Fair. Yeah. It's weird being in love with somebody, but not knowing that it won't work out long term. Does that mean maybe that you're not in love? You just love them? Yeah, sure. But I think that that can be.

Yeah. The answer is yes. I mean, I don't know. I've never been in love with anybody. That's not true. No, it is true. I don't think I've ever been in love with somebody. But then maybe to your point, then either have I.

I know I've loved people. Or by people, I mean mean I think there's like one person that I've like actually loved but they weren't a good person so like it's good that I was never in love with them. Wait okay are you on apps? Are you on any of the apps? Well I was

up until recently. I kind of recently started seeing somebody so. Congratulations! Thank you. It was exciting. Did you meet them on an app or in real life? No, on an app. Oh, okay.

Yeah. So I said three years ago. Basically, I'd been on apps for two and a half years. No, I definitely took a break after that last relationship to just be by myself for a little bit. And then started getting bored, as one can get in LA. And started using apps. First one I used was Bumble. be by myself for a little bit and then started getting bored as one can get in LA and started using apps. First one I used was Bumble and then Hinge. Which one did you like better? I think I like Hinge better because you can make comments on comments rather than on like just

matching based on photos. And I think that I'm somewhat witty sometimes. So I felt like I had an advantage by making comments on comments. Also, I feel like people want that and they don't ever get it, so it's just easier to do. I feel like sometimes I'm just doing the apps wrong. Why? Because I don't reach out to anybody. I'm waiting for someone to message me. Yeah, but that's the whole point of Hinge, right?

Like people can message you. Yeah. Yeah. The same thing with like Tinder. me yeah but that's that's the whole point of hinge right like people can message you yeah yeah so the same thing with like tinder i'm gonna read to you a tinder conversation that i've been having or this man's kind of been having it with himself because i have not been answering him so he liked a picture of me holding a giant dick so it's a different giant dick than the original giant dick. So now I have two pictures of me holding giant dicks. Because I'm well-versed with the original one, but not so much with the other one.

This one's a big black one that's like maybe three feet high. So he liked that one. And then I just wrote, I just sent him the sunglass emoji. And then he wrote, I'm so amped we matched. I loved the last season and nailed it, by the way. Few shows had me consistently cry laughing.

And then I was like, and for that reason, I'm out. I don't. I've heard you talk about this before. Yeah, it doesn't feel good to like date someone with such intense expectations. Do you know what I mean? Like if you're cry laughing at me, then that means you're gonna expect something in person right so then after that message he liked one two three four five six seven pictures and then he said i've been listening to best friends my podcast was this year's ameda for so long and i've been tempted to leave a voicemail just to hear how you respond to my voice. Oh, boy. Yeah, he, I don't like him.

I love him. I'm in love with him. What do you mean he likes seven, I don't know Tinder. You can then go back and like as many things as you want? Yeah, you can like pictures now. It's like a new thing. So are they your Instagram photos or these are all? No, they're the pictures that are on my Tinder.

So somebody can go up there and like every single one of your pictures and it just keeps notifying you? Yes. Oh my goodness. It's a living nightmare. Yeah, that's kind of spiraling for this man. But like also he is cute. But then there's a picture of him hugging Jeff Goldblum and I'm like, what is your deal? Yeah, that's weird.

And there's a picture of him playing ping pong. What's your deal? What is your deal? Yeah, that's weird. And there's a picture of him playing ping pong. What's your deal? Well, I mean, I don't envy necessarily the situation that you're in because of what you're talking about, having pre-expectations. And I guess the weirdest part is people feeling that they know you before they know you.

So they feel like they don't have to get to know you, which is what dating is. Yes. So that makes dating very difficult for, I imagine, you. Yeah, because I tell all my business, but I don't tell all of my own business. Well, I mean, I happen, I know you slightly outside of work. Like just in the sense that we have conversations in passing when you're here. And I mean, I get to see a side of you that doesn't appear on television or on the podcast. And so I know for a fact that there are things that people would have to get to know about you that probably wouldn't occur to, I guess, I don't want to like quote unquote fan. I was having drinks with this dude when I was on the road and I thought we

were having a nice conversation. He was like, what's wrong? And I was like, nothing. He's like, you seem over this. And I was like, oh no, I'm not over this. And he's like, well, at your show, you were like, uh, you were more like excited. And I was like, oh, cause I was like oh no I'm not over this he was like well at your show you were like uh you were more like excited and I was like oh because I was performing oh yeah oh right oh I forgot I was getting paid for that are you a person and then it felt so it was it was very jarring to me then I guess it was jarring to him that I wasn't like ah what if we drink whiskey now? Yeah. Or whatever he was expecting. It was very weird. And yes, now I've fully, I've said it before that I stopped getting drinks with like people after shows,

but now I've fully stopped doing it. Yeah. It's because people are weird. Yeah. Have you dated anybody recently? No. Yeah. Sorry.

No. Sorry, this is my podcast. No. No. Well, I tried talking to this one guy and he ended up living in Portland. No. Sorry, this is my podcast. No. No. Well, I tried talking to this one guy and he ended up living in Portland. Or no, he lived in Oregon. And I know you live, you're from Portland, but he didn't live in Portland.

He lived, so Portland's on the north? Yeah, it's almost Washington. Yeah. So he lives on the south side of Oregon. Ashland? Maybe. I don't know. I didn't ask the city. But we've been talking for like a couple of weeks.

And then I was like Oh I'm gonna be in Portland And he's like I'm on the road with my band And I was like Then why are we fucking talking? We're never gonna see each other You met him in Portland or?

No I met him on Tinder Oh And I guess he was here What's your radio? Oh he was here in California I think he was here And that's when we matched You can do a global radius now

I'm like I don't care where you live Dubai I'll date you So he was in a band He was traveling He was in LA Right Gotcha Yeah and like i don't care where you live dubai i'll date you so he's in a band he's traveling he was in la right gotcha yeah and then i don't know that was like the last person i talked to and i was like i think i give up yeah do you never met him in person no oh my goodness i'm just gonna let horniness take over and kill me or i'm gonna walk out into traffic and let that kill me while

you are or i'll get on a motorcycle and let that kill me. Right, that's definitely option A right now. No, I'm okay. I'm going to be so careful when I buy it. It's not the purchase process I'm worried about necessarily. I'm going to be so, I'm going to ask for ABS, anti-lock brakes. I'm going to ask for all the bells

and whistles to keep me safe. I'm going to get a good little helmet. Make sure it's a big helmet actually. A big old helmet. Yeah. I'm making a good little helmet. Make sure it's a big helmet, actually. A big old helmet. Yeah. I'm going to get knee pads and elbow pads. It's going to be great. Oh, my God.

I've truly just been hobbling. I'm excited. I told you before we started that I was jealous because I've always wanted to get one or something. Ride one. I know. The thing is, I told you, with the dog. Take a class. No, it's with. I know.

And that is what I was going to do. I almost signed up for a class. I was going to do it I like really was and then I got the dog and the dog comes with me to work every day and the dog is too big to fit in a backpack so I it just doesn't make like when would I actually ride it my daily commute

well you came here didn't you without a dog I did actually so today would have been a great day in the rain I guess that would have been bad yeah don't ride in the rain no do you do any adventure you know that real normal question are we doing are we talking like your version of adventure is buying a motorcycle or like are we talking about going on the outdoors and camping? No, camping is not an adventure. Camping, camping, camping? Camping is, um, is what you do to someone when you're mad at them.

You go, come camping with me. And you're like, why would I ever do that? My family did a lot of that growing up. You went camping a lot growing up? Yeah, they must have hated me, huh? Probably. They were like hoping a bear would come take you away. My dad once broke my nose by accident camping.

And now I'm convinced based on the stories you're telling me that it wasn't on accident. How did he break your nose on accident? Did he punch you and said, oops? No, basically. But he... Basically? No, we were hunting for firewood. Hunting for firewood?

You have to be real quiet. No, we needed firewood for the campsite. We drove down a road, got out of the car. My mom and my sister were in the car still. My dad and I went into the woods. We were chopping down firewood and one of the trees he wanted to chop down had to like bend over, like pull it down to the ground, but it was still in the ground. So then I like stood on it. He's like, all right, I'm going to just stand on this while I chop it. And the first swing he took at it popped out from underneath my feet, came straight up and hit me right underneath my nose. And it just knocked me all the way back onto the back of my head. And I got up and it was just blood pouring down my face. And so I ran out of the woods towards the car and little, my dad

behind me slowly walking out with the ax over his shoulder. And my mom, my sister in the car being like, what the hell just happened? It was, I mean, yeah, I had a lot of, my family was very outdoorsy growing up. No, thank you. Maybe that's like a Portland thing. My best friend, Tessie, who lives in Portland, she loves being outside. She keeps trying to get me to float on a fucking river with her and her family. And I'm like, I don't want to. It's easy though.

You just get a tube. You drink beer. No, I don't. and her family i'm like i don't want it's easy though you just get two of you drink no i don't you can drink whiskey really i don't know it doesn't sound appealing to me to float down a river on a hot inflatable i think they call it lazy river like it's just you just take it's just really you don't do anything like the whole principle of it is that you don't do anything but here's the thing i don't want to be on a hot inflatable floating down a hot ass river trying to drink a lukewarm beer with like children screaming that's a white claw you could have white claw i do love a white claw they were born for the river i love white claw what's your favorite flavor um mango i recently had mango at gabriel's power hour and it was so delightful.

Really? I haven't had mango yet. I was like drinking it in between shots. That's an off box flavor. That's not in the regular variety pack. Oh, it's not? No, the regular flavors, trust me, I'm a huge fan. Okay.

But the regular flavors I think are grapefruit lime, black cherry, and um, there's a fourth. Oh no. Raspberry. Raspberry. I think I like the raspberry ones but isn't there like a pure one where there's no flavor and that one's bad it just well well because i went into it thinking it was gonna taste like la croix but it has a little bit of an alcohol aftertaste and so i was kind of i just wasn't expecting it i will say that my favorite in the box flavor is black cherry by far no that's i think that's gabriel's

favorite flavor too i like raspberry no gabriel's big black cherry fan too i love raspberry raspberry is yummy i have so many in my fridge at home i look like i live at a frat house right now because my birthday was a couple weeks ago and we bought a bunch for the house and not a bunch left over did you have a party we had we a place in Palm Springs, me and my friend from Portland. Thank you for not inviting me. Well, I know you don't like inflatables or pools. Feels really good. Happy belated birthday.

Thank you. Feels good to not be included. I'll tell you what, next year you're the first one getting invited. I'm kidding. But we are doing a float down a river. Was this last weekend? No, this was October. Oh, October? Yeah. I wasn't fucking But we are doing a float down a river. Was this last weekend? No, this was October. It was October.

Oh, October? Yeah. I wasn't fucking here. Yeah, I know. I was gone for most of October. I didn't want to like inconvenience you with an invite that you wouldn't have been able to accept. Nice save.

Yeah. Here's a question. Yeah. What kind of women did you think you were looking for before you found this current woman? Okay. So here, it's a really good question when I think about before I came on the podcast. Wait, did we take a break? We have to take a break.

Take a break. Do it for me. I need the ads. Oh, there it is. And there's your break. She died. And we're back. Okay. What kind of woman were you looking for before you found the woman that you have now? I didn't, I didn't know. And that's why I dated. And I realized that probably a year after going on a bunch of dates

is that it took me a while to feel like I was comfortable dating again. Then I started going on dates and I didn't know what I was looking for. So I was dating a lot and not getting anything out of it, which, uh, could, was partially frustrating, but partially fun getting to just go out and do things after I hadn't been doing them in a long time. But I put myself into counseling right after that last breakup too, which was important to help me in this process. That sounds way more dramatic than I think it was. You know what I mean? So you went to therapy.

Yeah. We call it counseling. I put myself into counseling. Yeah. I think I was talking with a friend and they mentioned that they have somebody who they really liked. And I said I had been kind of looking for somebody or toying with the idea of it. And so I went and met with this person and I really enjoyed the conversation we had. So I just kept at it.

And it was really, really helpful. I recommend it to anybody. Therapy? Counseling. Is there a difference? I don't know. I mean, my therapist calls himself a counselor. I feel like a counselor puts a jersey on you and is like, shoot some hoops and tell me about your problems.

That's called a coach. I don't know. Yeah, but a coach doesn't care about your problems. Yeah, sometimes. Like a camp counselor. Like, get in the river, guys. Wait, Jimmy, you stay behind. i noticed you were really upset yesterday anything else in your childhood you want to talk about while we're here i don't know it's a camp counselor when you say counseling that's what it reminds me of

i i don't know i actually don't know what the definitions are. So yeah, therapy. Okay. I was in therapy. Are you still in therapy? No. A funny thing happened was I had been going for basically three years and I stopped maybe three or four months ago. And one of the last sessions, it had been a couple sessions where we just weren't really talking about stuff. We were just talking about my life. Like it was almost just a friend hanging out.

sessions where we just weren't really talking about stuff we were just talking about my life like it was almost just a friend hanging out and at the last session that I went to he goes hey you know you don't need to keep coming back if you don't feel like you're getting anything out of it and it was one of those and I was like oh no I'll keep coming don't worry but I walked out of the room and I was like oh he's right like this is kind of a I'm spending money we're just talking about my life and in a sense that it's just, just the events happening, not like digging into anything to help. And so I called him later and was like, I guess we can cancel the next one. If I feel like I need to come back, I'll come back. He's like, yeah, that's great.

I think you're doing great. Oh yeah. That's good. I can't imagine not seeing Mary. Well, the thing is about it is like, it was really, it depends where you are, right? I was in there for three years going twice a month

and I, and it was really, really helpful for me. But when he said that to me, it also was this revelation like, oh man, this guy really did want to help me.

Like he's done helping me and he knows that and he doesn't, he's not just sucking away my money. Like he really cared about me. That, and I recently heard he's trying to retire soon.

So maybe that had something to do with it. Oh, maybe. Yeah. Yeah. He's like recently heard he's trying to retire soon. So maybe that had something to do with it. Oh, maybe. Yeah. Yeah. He's like, you don't have to keep coming because I'm not going to keep coming. He's just, he's such an amazing man. I really, I do miss him. He looks kind of like Santa Claus.

Oh. And he grew up in Echo Park. Like when it was bad. Yeah. I like, I just really, I just, I just love him. So you like see your counselor therapist person out in like the wild? Yeah, it is wild. That's why I go on the west side because I'm like, I don't need to see Mary shopping.

Yeah. I think it would really bug me out. Then I'd be like, Mary, I gotta tell you things. She's like, I'm off the clock. And I'm like, I don't really care. Put down the Pop-Tarts. I think he's seen me three separate times. And each of the separate times I was with someone who I've talked about in counseling, which is so funny to me.

So he like we would revisit it, obviously, when I see him again. But yeah, each of the three times it was like, oh, yeah, that's cool. Oh, that's kind of wild that you keep running into your therapist. Well, I mean, Echo Park is small and there's only so many restaurants. And he and his kids eat vegan, I think. So it's like there's a very select few places. Oh, so you're just going to go to fucking Moby's restaurant. Little Pine?

That's not in Echo Park. That's in Silver Lake. That's Silver Lake, but I did not see him there. I have been there once. Are you vegan? No, no. Do you like eat vegan? I eat vegetarian sometimes.

Why? Okay, so I went and got... Do you like eat vegan? I eat vegetarian sometimes. Why? Okay. So I went and got, this is also something I did for myself recently was I went and I got a, what's a physical for the first time in like 25 years. Yeah. Or since college, like 15 years. And it turns out everything is cool except for I have high cholesterol because for like a year I lived by myself and I was dating and like not, I had nobody to cook for.

So when I was by myself, I would eat a lot of fast food. What's your favorite fast food? Taco Bell, hands down. I fucking love Taco Bell. There's no competition. What is your Taco Bell order? Honestly, it rotates because I eat there too often or I did. But my two item staples are chicken quesadilla is probably number one.

And then the cheesy gordita crunch is probably number two. I like a chicken quesadilla is probably number one. And then the cheesy gordita crunch is probably number two. I like a chicken quesadilla and I get sour cream in it. Wait, you can do that? Yes. And it gets all goopy and delightful and delicious. See, the one reason I really like it already is because it's saucy. And like it's got that sauce on there already. Well, when you put sour cream in it, it's even saucier.

Well, I do love sour cream. It's so good. And then I love a Crunchwrap Supreme. They are really, really good. I guess maybe that's probably three. Although, no, three for me was the Fiery Doritos Taco Supreme.

Have you ever had the Fiery? I think they discontinued it. Now they only have the Nacho one. But they had Fiery, Nacho, and Grinch. I don't like the Fiery Dorito. Oh, you don't like it? I think they discontinued it. Now they only have the nacho one. But they had fiery, nacho, and green. I don't like the fiery Dorito. Oh, you don't like it? I just recently had like a flaming hot Dorito or whatever. And I was like, this is not for me. I like spicy.

I like spicy too, just not in chip form. Okay, what sauce do you go for? At Taco Bell. The hottest one. Well, hot or Diablo? Diablo. Okay, good. It's in black, right?

Yes, yes, absolutely. That which is also like maybe two years old at this point. But it was a recent addition. It's in black, right? Yes, yes, absolutely. That, which is also like a, what, maybe two years old at this point, but it was a recent addition. Was it? They used to only have hot, yeah. Growing up, it was only hot. I didn't get to talk about growing up. I only got McDonald's on Thursdays. That's good. Thursdays are a great day for McDonald's.

It was an arbitrary day, but it was the day my dad played tennis, so I guess it was like, oh, he worked hard. He can have McDonald's. So the rest of the family can have McDonald's. Makes sense. I guess so.

But like my mother never exercised, so I don't know why she was getting rewarded. We never ate fast food growing up, except for McDonald's breakfast sometimes. Yeah. But I think things like this and the camping and everything else we were talking about, I think it feels like it skips a generation for me at least.

Cause I don't go camping. I eat fast food. I play video games, which I never got to do when I was a kid. I feel like I'm doing all the things as an adult I wanted to do. I think that's every adult. Yeah. My grandmother was like a pretty messy woman. And my mom was a very clean woman.

She had clutter, but like every like there was no dust on the clutter right she would dust her clutter like this kitchen sink was always pristine uh and i'm a dirty bird i'm such a dirty bird i'm so gross uh but then i like have to work at being clean because i'm like i don't want Yeah. I don't want to do this. So now I have a cleaning lady who does it. How's your roommate feel about that? John, John Millhiser, my roommate. John.

Yeah. John Millhiser. Yeah. John. He at first was like, we don't need a cleaning lady. I'll clean. And I was like, yeah, fucking right. Because then it's like not a roommate thing.

Then it's like me being like, clean the house. Yeah. You can't do that. Unless you're paying. And then it's like, I'm not going to pay you to clean the house that you live in. I'd rather clean the lady who's going to come clean the house yeah you can't do that unless you're paying and then i was like i'm gonna pay you to clean the house that you live in i'd rather clean the lady who's gonna come into the house you want to clean that lady john clean the lady who comes like clean her don't clean the house clean her if you get a task rabbit for that or something task rabbit is weird

so i had a task rabbit put up my pole that's in my backyard that is a wild thing to ask for a task rabbit to do well i didn't know how to do it no i mean it makes sense but i can imagine was it like i have something that you need to install or did you fully tell them i sent pictures okay i said this is what i need for it to be installed and he was like what is this and i was like it's a stripper pole and he was like are you a stri? And I was like, it's a stripper pole. And he was like, are you a stripper? I was like, who cares if I am? Leave me alone. Who cares? I've seen you do a lot of that stuff on Instagram,

the working out of that. A fucking love pole dancing. I can talk about it all goddamn day. It's one of my favorite things to do. It just makes me feel- So you do it at home or you're doing classes too? I do classes. So when you see the kitchen, that's not my house.

I don't have a thousand poles in my house. No, but you have one in your house. It's outside though. Oh, so the one inside is not a house. But that looks like somebody's house. Yeah, it's the studio. Oh, so somebody's studio is just their house? No, it's in North Hollywood.

There's multiple poles in that room? Uh-huh. There's 10 poles. Oh. So yeah, it's just like a room. There is like a weird kitchenette. That's what I was saying. I don't know why there's a kitchenette, but like maybe it's like

we gotta make something. I don't know. There's a kitchen here. So maybe it's just like they rented a live workplace and turned it into a workout studio. Is this a live workplace? It is. Most of the people that live above this floor are all, or sorry, most people in the units above this floor are all living here. Dang.

Yeah. The girl that you broke up with three years ago that sent you to counseling, were you guys living together? We tried living together, but before, it was even before the last time that we like got back together kind of again before we decided it wasn't going to work. So the answer is I did live with her at one point, but it was even further than three years ago. Was it hard to live with a significant other? It's the second person I lived with. So I'm over two. The second person like overall or second girlfriend you've lived with? Second significant other I've lived with. The first one left me and got pregnant like a month after she left to the point where my mom called me almost in tears and was like, hey, did you see that?

Did you see that? Mars can bleep it out. Did you see that she got pregnant? And I was like, mom, I have to go right now because I had to go look and see when the due date was and like figure out the math really quickly because I was very nervous. Dang. Wait, nervous that it was yours or nervous that she cheated on you uh no i didn't i could care less that she it was a bad breakup you just didn't want that baby to be yours no she probably was cheating on me is what this meant but i wanted to make sure the baby wasn't mine ah and was it no it was like the math worked out that there was no way that it could have been. But very close. Dang. And I didn't, I was unsure.

I was very nervous at the time because I felt like she would, even if she knew it was mine, she maybe would have tried to keep it. Which is her decision. No, it's totally her decision. But we had a bad relationship to the point where it was like, I want to be part of my kid's life. And it like that was gonna be possible with this ah i see i see i see man that sounds pretty terrible yeah i can't imagine ever being like on that bad of terms with someone that i loved i was sleeping at amir's house for the last two months of that relationship

dang yeah that's actually how the three of us became such good friends is uh we were kind of i was like forced into the situation where i was spending a lot of time with amir specifically and he had just come out of a relationship that was very similar not didn't end as poorly but they had been living together and she had just moved out so we kind of bonded over two broken dudes just chilling and healing. Yeah, something like, we weren't singing very much, but yeah. You weren't singing. Two broken dudes just chilling and healing. Wait, do it one more time and then I can catch it.

Two broken dudes just chilling and healing. Actually, yeah, we were doing that. When you were dating before, let's see. So after the relationship, before this new one, you were dating for like three years, you said, or two and a half years? What's, yes? Yeah, the one that just ended most recently. Yeah, like the chunk that you were single was for two years?

Just now before. Yeah, yeah. It was like two and a half years. What's the worst date you went on in those two years oh my god i went on one date that truly shocked me and changed the way that i did it it was early on for sure and i learned so many lessons but it was it was um i don't use the word the crazy word a lot but she was absolutely insane and so i changed the way i did but anyway i wait tell me about her yeah uh okay so we had matched um on probably bumble we made plans to hang out on uh in a couple weeks on like a wednesday night or something so that that day rolled around um i messaged her at like

maybe like 11 a.m or like like, Hey, are we still on for tonight? Are you good? And she messaged back like an hour later saying, actually I've had like the most insane day. Uh, it's been really hard. I don't know if I can hang out tonight. Okay, cool. Uh, totally get it. I'm around tonight cause obviously I don't have any other plans. So if your mind changes or anything, just let me know and we can hang out or grab a drink, talk about it, whatever. Uh, maybe like two hours later. So now we're at like 1 PM. She's like, fuck it. I got to go to the bar. I, this day is terrible. If you want to come join me, you can at 1 PM. So I respond. All right. What, what time? Like at six or is that okay, cool. Like still want

to get back to our original plan, like seven or whatever's like no i'm going now you can meet me there whenever you want and i'm like okay well i'm at work i mean i have a pretty flexible schedule and a boss so i'll i'll make my way out of here whenever i can so i think at like three o'clock or something uh i made my way over to the location she said she was going to which was the drawing room okay that's one of my favorite bars yeah but such a such like a depressing place to be in the middle of the day love that bar there are no windows it's correct completely dark it looks like a vampire den yes yeah so it's cash only baby which i didn't know going into it. So I get there maybe at like 3.30 or 4. And there are three extremely old men at the bar.

A female bartender is the only woman in the room and no other woman there. So I'm like either she's bartending this place or she's not here yet. So I sit at the bar. I like grab a Coors Light very nervously. Like, oh, this is, this is just, this is all, this is bad. This is not the situation I want to be in. I then muster up the courage for some reason. I felt like it needed courage to do, to ask the bartender, like, Hey, are there any women or girls here? Which probably came off by a certain way. Is there any women or girls here? I was like looking for something specific and she laughed at me,

which was really reassuring and said no. And I said, okay, great. So at this point, I take out my phone and I text her and I say, hey, I'm here. Are you here? No response. Probably a half hour goes by.

She said, I'm on my way. I said, great. How long? No response. And then it comes. And it's a selfie of her crying. Oh, no. Yeah.

It hit like a ton of bricks. I obviously forwarded the message to Amir. I was like, this just came through. I'm sitting at the bar. I've been here for an hour. What do I do? Like, is this a situation that I want to be in?

Whatever. He's like, you should leave. And I was like, I don't know. I've kind of invested in this whole process. So I mean, I would have told you to stay.

You've got to see this through. Well, that's kind of how I felt. Like I'd put so much effort into it. That changed. Anyway, like I, I messaged back. I'm like I'd put so much effort into it um that changed well anyway uh like I I messaged back I'm like oh I'm so sorry like what's going on and she basically said that she got locked out of her or kicked out of her apartment oh yeah she has a cat locked inside with all of her stuff and she can't like they won't let her back in I'm like oh man this

seems like this actually does seem like a crazy situation uh let me know if there's anything I can do to help. Feel free to come anyway and we can talk about it, figure it out, whatever, if you're locked out. She's like, all right, cool. I'll walk over. I'll be there soon. Literally another hour goes by. Still nothing.

So I text again. I'm like, hey, I'm still here. Are you walking? Do you need a ride? She texts back maybe like 20 minutes later another selfie of her still crying but like looks like she's on the street with headphones in like on her way so i i'm like okay cool she gets there she sits down she apologizes but i like don't need to dwell on it because it just seems so irrelevant at this point like you're finally here fine let's like get to know each other like let's figure out what's going on she orders a whiskey so no whiskey coke with a with a whiskey shot on the side yeah baby finish

them both before we even like start getting to know each other and orders two more meanwhile i had to go to the atm because i didn't realize that it was cash only. Right. So I like got out, I think probably like 60 bucks or something. And we, she tore through the $60 in like 30 minutes while telling me the problem was she was subletting from someone and hadn't been paying him the rent. And so he changed the locks because he needed the money to pay the rent to the person who owned the apartment. So I'm like, oh boy. So this is truly her fault. 100% her fault.

100% I'm now sitting here. I really feel bad because I'm like realizing who this person is and like that she's in a tough spot. Like she hadn't been working. She like didn't have the money to pay and like all this stuff. I fully expected her at some point to be like, Hey, I need to borrow a thousand dollars.

Like that's where I thought this was at this point because it was so like the whole situation was so insane. I fully expected her to do that. And to her credit, not once did she ask for money. It was never about that. Like she really was just in a bad situation. So I was helping her formulate these messages to this,

to the, the guy who was actually leasing the apartment being like hey just give me 24 more hours i'll figure something out like i'm really sorry this is happening and she really like was in such a distraught place she couldn't figure him in like that part out so we i mean i'm telling you she must have had like six or seven rounds of this stuff in like an hour and she was wasted yeah i can imagine wasted like to the point where i did i was embarrassed and i didn't know what to do oh no and so i don't know if this is me being nice or maybe just being oblivious to the situation but i was like we need we you need to leave you have nowhere to go like just come over and this is like early right boy marty i know and i it a lot of mistakes being made here and i know that it's gonna sound like i've some sort of

anyway i i was like we need to leave honestly though the bartender must be like he's bad he came in asking for girls he found a girl he got her hammered and then took her away. Oh, my God. While having to go to the ATM three times to pay for all the drinks. Almost she's just as bad. But I get it. Like, I do get it. It was not a pretty picture. And retelling the story, I don't feel comfortable about my behavior.

Beyond, like, I knew that I didn't want anything bad out of the situation. Like, just, I didn't know what else to do. I like, I've never walked away from a date. Have you? I like, have you ever gotten up in the middle of a date and just walked out and left? That's what, that would have been what I had to do. And then she came, you kind of have to like, she doesn't have anywhere to go. Like you just can't leave a drunk lady. I would not have left her. I, every choice you have made is the same choice I would have made. Right. I felt like that have anywhere to go like you just can't leave a drunk lady i i would not have left her i every choice you have made is the same choice i would have made right i i felt like that at the time but in retrospect well we'll keep going with the story but in retrospect i absolutely never should have invited this person back to my apartment like it was every single red flag you could

possibly imagine so we get into an uber um and we start driving back home. She's so wasted. She's being extremely racist to the Uber driver. Oh, no. Yeah. And it's, I mean, I'm like. What kind of racist? Like, just, to be honest, I blacked out this part of my mind as much as possible because I was so embarrassed of, like,

that second half of the bar to the Uber ride home. Like, I don't really remember a lot of it, except for me, I remember trying to make a lot of jokes, being like, oh, she's just really drunk. This isn't how she normally acts. All this stuff. Trying to be like, I am so sorry. I don't know what to do.

This Uber ride cannot be over fast enough. We get back to my place. I turn on the TV. She sits down on my couch and almost immediately passes out. And I'm like, oh, thank God. this is the best thing that could possibly happen and then somehow i don't i'm a little hazy on the timeline but it was getting kind of late so maybe it was like nine or ten i'm like i'm just like finally i can just like go lay down and go to bed so i live in a it's a junior one bedroom it's not a studio it's not a one bedroom oh yeah dude junior one bedroom

there's like a doorway but no door i think is like the technique the technicality there uh-huh um so she's in on in the laying on the couch and i'm in my bed sleeping with the dog and i well i lay down and then i realized i can't fall asleep like i'm scared this lady you don't know is in your house yeah and i'm and i'm so and i'm like she's up she's clinically insane. It's like, what's going to stop her from like grabbing a knife and trying to kill me? That's like what was going through my head. So I lay in my bed awake, nervous from 10 p.m. until about 3.30 or 4 a.m.

And I have work the next day until I hear her start talking to herself in my living room. And two sides of me immediately ping. One is like, oh my God, she's talking to herself. This is crazy. And sides of me immediately ping one is like oh my god she's talking to herself this is crazy and the other one was like thank god she's awake like i run into the into the living room wait what was she saying to herself it was like mumbles was like oh i'm so glad like just talking to her about her own life it was really strange yeah Oh, no. Yeah. Really strange. So I run in the room. I'm like, hey, can I take you home now? Whatever. And I'm not sure how this happened.

I didn't really care. I just needed to get her out of my place. But we kind of knew that she couldn't get back into her place. So I don't know what was happening here. Maybe she had received a text or something in the meantime where she was able to get back in. But she said, yeah, I'd love a ride home. So I got in my car, drove her back to her place uh she's getting out of the car looks at me and says i had a really nice time i'd love to see you again to which i look at her and i and i

just said yeah me too like i didn't know what else to say. So she gets out. She closes the door. Obviously, 100% not ever going to see this person or talk to this person ever again. I let her out. One thing I realized is that her place where she lived was literally probably an hour's walk from the bar. So the hour that she took to get the walk was legit. She walked, like, over an hour because she didn't want,

I think she just didn't have any money, which I feel bad about, but like she didn't want to take an Uber. Like she walked. Drop her off. I'm driving home. I get back to my place. Look at my phone.

I have like three or four text messages from her. And they go something along the lines of, totally didn't expect you to be this type of person. Can't believe you unfollowed me on and blocked me everywhere. And I look and I'm like still following her on Instagram. Like it didn't block her texts, obviously, because I'm getting them. And so I responded like, hey, don't know what you're talking about. Sorry, but I did it.

And I hope you feel better. I hope everything works out. She's like oh okay well I had a really great time and you're really cute so like if you want to hang out again let me know. No thank you. And they never responded to that and that was the end. Wait why are you following her on Instagram? Because at that time

before going on dates with people I would like try and follow or find out more about people through Instagram but what I realized shortly after that date was that that doesn't tell you anything. Tells you literally nothing. Less almost. That's so funny. Yeah.

You unfollowed me. Yeah. I was like so mad. Like exclamation points and everything. I want to know what she looks like. Yeah. That's what everybody always asks. Isn't that funny?

Like what is like, was she so hot? You didn't care. Like you just wanted to keep going on this date. Oh, I didn't know what she looks like. Yeah, that's what everybody always asks. Isn't that funny? Like, was she so hot you didn't care? Like, you just wanted to keep going on this date? Oh, I didn't think she was, like, hot. I just, I think the most normal-looking girls are sometimes the craziest people. She was relatively normal-looking. Like, it was, there was nothing crazy hot

about it or crazy red flag anywhere in her looks. She was and her looks she was very normal and she was very sweet honestly in messages do you still follow her on Instagram I refuse to answer this question no I do you do I want to see what she looks like when we're done okay we can absolutely

take a look it's funny because I almost there's a part of me that just wants to keep up with her to make sure that she's okay that she's not dead yeah not like I would be able to do anything about it, but. No, but it's nice to know when a crazy person, you know, passes. And you're like, I knew her when she was guzzling whiskey. I mean, just so much.

That's so, I don't think I've ever behaved that poorly on a date. Well, it wasn't, you just never, I would hope that you have your, you just have your life together more than, no matter how bad you think you have your life together, which I know that you have it together very well. But it's like, she just didn't. And she, it just was spiraling for her. I went on a date with a dude who got real drunk and then was like, don't talk about me on your podcast. And I was like, I will. I will.

And you said that I'll do it twice. I absolutely have to. Okay, wait, what? What else were you going to say? I was going to say the one thing I learned was that was like I didn't talk to her a lot message-wise before that date. And one thing that I learned from that experience was like you have to have a lengthier conversation with people where they are exchanging and receiving your jokes as much as you are engaging with theirs. I'm the opposite. I only like to go back and forth maybe five times. Well, I was like that. And then I had this date and I was like, I can

never do this again. This was, this almost killed me. Fair. I guess I'll wait to have a terrible date. No, don't. No, I will. Marty, we've reached the end. So sad. I have a question. Would you ever date me? Of course I would. Hell yeah! But you know, we're co-workers. It would be weird if we couldn't do it. That's right. Okay.

Marty, do you have anything you want to promote? Yeah. We recently launched Gumball.fm which is our ad platform. What is that? Well, you kind of use it Marissa probably uses it more for you than you use it.

But it's a platform. Marissa does everything for me. Yeah. Marissa is maybe the best person in America. I just show up and then she does everything. Truly.

She is the best. And what she does is she goes on gumball.fm to see what ads we've booked for you. But it's a platform that allows advertisers and podcasters to connect without the need of a sales team. So basically they can check your inventory.

But aren't you a sales person? Yeah, in theory, I'm a really good one, but this helps me do my job even better. Anyway, if you want to buy ads on Nicole's podcast, you go to gumball.fm, sign up and you can buy ads on our podcast. Yeah, and stop DMing me on Instagram. There you go. Isn't that wild that

people DM me on Instagram? It's fun that people will get in touch with the people they want to get in touch with in one way or another if they really like, you know, they'll just do whatever they can. But like. But use gumball.fm, people. Yeah, use gumball.fm. Okay, so

if you like this episode of Why Won't You Date Me, you can subscribe. You can rate it. If you send me something nasty, I will read it. This says, please read this on Why Won't You Date Me. I am super in love with you. Okay, here goes. I hope this is nasty enough to give you a giggle because no one in my life would ever think I would type such a thing. I want to

take an entire jar of jiffy peanut butter and fist it inside of you so I can make you my very own Reese's peanut butter cup. And then I will walk out of the bedroom and shut the door behind myself only to turn around and

knock on the door and scream trick or treat once you open the door I will be on my knees and proceed to eat my chocolatey peanut buttery treat oh I will be dressed as a bum so you can fantasize that I'm a bum. Wait, what?

That's the weirdest part. Have you said that before? No, I don't think I've ever said I've wanted to sleep with a bum while I'm a human Reese's peanut butter cup. That was wild. Here's another one. I would order a large...

Oh, here's what I would do to you. I would order a large portion of Guy Fieri's bacon studded macaroni. Make you smell it. Make sure the taste is right. Then stuff it in your vagina. And then fuck you like there's no tomorrow. Oh, adding my secret sauce. Oh, I'd make you eat it.

Oh, as it is now been prepared to perfection. Naturally, we'd watch drag race and smoke some i mean that one i don't understand why people are trying to give me a yeast infection like why are they trying to shove food in me it was called studded mashed potatoes it feels like it'll be rough yeah i'm like ribbed is fine but studded seems awful here's another one hey Nicole I'm a huge fan of you and I think you're great I'd like to stick one hand up your butt and the other up your puss so I can clap them together like a wind up

monkey this is pretty awful too okay I'll save these ones alright that's it thank you bye bye Thank you. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. This has been a Team Coco production.