Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - My Dominatrix Roommate (w/ Joyelle Nicole Johnson)

Episode Date: December 3, 2021

Comedian Joyelle Nicole Johnson lived with a dominatrix. She talks about the type of clients that would visit her apartment, and the kinky 'services' she was offered. Plus, she shares how she met her husband at a funeral, making a 'dessert room' for a wedding, and the importance of couples therapy in any relationship.   Crazy dating story? Looking for advice? Let Nicole and her guest help you out. Submit your stories, questions, or dirty pick-up lines to [e-mail] for a chance to have it read on-air.   Black Lives Matter. Click here for a list of over 100 different ways you can support racial justice.   Follow Nicole Byer: Tour Dates: linktr.ee/nicolebyerwastakenTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerNew Merch Store! podswag.com/datemeNicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me, a podcast where Mina Goldbier tries to figure out how I'm still single, even though you can make me a lasagna and put layers of your cum in there and say, it's ricotta, and I'll say, are you well?

My guest today is a stand-up comedian who's been featured on HBO's Crashing, Patriot, and Paws with Sam Jay. Her new comedy special, Lovejoy, is now available on Peacock. It's Joyelle Nicole Johnson! Hello, hello, hello. Hey, Virgo. How you doing, boo? Ooh, I'm good. How are you? I'm here. I'm glamorous. I am in a Hampton Inn. Yes, queen. A Hampton Inn. What state? I am in Brooklyn, New York and doing the Bell House this weekend with another Virgo,

Maria Bamford. Oh, I love Maria. She's so fucking funny. You're so funny. Oh, she's the best. And I love just being, you know, my colleagues, my peers. Yes. beautiful colleagues. I love, I haven't gotten a chance to watch your special yet, but I love your set on The Tonight Show. I thought it was so funny. And I just loved you talking about your man and how you lived with a younger man,

your house training, like that. It all made me laugh so hard. I appreciate that. I really do because all my stuff is autobiographical. So, you know, I gotta teach the children that it's okay that you went through some crazy stuff. I love it. How did you guys meet? Okay.

I got to preface everybody. It's a little bit sad. He went to college with Kevin Burnett. Okay. Yes. Yes. So you met him through Kevin? We, well, we met at the funeral so i'm just gonna say

there's gonna be uh an asterisk in my obituary when i die and i would like for somebody to have sex that meets at my funeral and then maybe have a baby you know okay sad but also uplifting because, you know, we meet at a sad time. But then from the ashes rises a love. A phoenix love. A phoenix love. Yes, that's what that is. Your love is a phoenix love. Ooh. We sexy up in here.

Yes, we are. So it was Alana Glazer. She fucking set us up. She was like, I think you and Danny would go well together after she threw a couple of parties. And I was like, OK. So we got to set up. We met in the wild and got set up. OK.

And obviously it's going well. I peeped him on Instagram. He's very, very cute. Thank you. Thank you. So how long did you date before you were like, okay, this is the person. I want to live with them. This is it.

Honestly, it was the first date. And that is just super weird because I'm just going to put it out there. We did it on the first date.. We did it on the first date. We dooted it on the first date because I wanted to see. I was dating a dude before him whose penis didn't work. So I wanted to make sure your penis works on the first day. Yes. I mean, I'm of the same thoughts.

That's the class I'm enrolled in. I'm of that school. Some people are like, it's not the most important thing. But I'm like, but for some people it is. It's a chunk of the pie. It's a fifth of the pie, at least. I think so. Yeah, because if like you're missing a fifth of the pie, I'm not getting the whole pie.

And guess what? She hungry. She hungry. Bitches gotta eat. So how long has it been? It's been March 1st, 2020, girl. So right before everything went down. So what's that? Over a year and a half. And it's the longest relationship I've ever been in. Congratulations. We love to hear that.

Thank you. I was single for 17 years doing comedy. You know, this dick repellent that is comedy yeah I always ask I'm like so you got chuckle buggers and usually the ladies are like no absolutely not no men begrudgingly are like you're funny yeah I guess I guess I'm you're not funnier than me they always want to be funnier than us. Yeah, I wonder what that primal instinct is in men to be like, I swear I'm funnier, come on. Especially on the first date, it's like a competition.

Yes. You're like, it's not a competition, friend. I'm funny, you are funny. We could just be our own funnies no um we're funnier than them so that's ain't nobody gonna out funny you on a date nicole byer like and the problem is i bet you are just like me where if a dude says something that's not funny we are not gonna laugh and that hurts them even more to bomb yes in conversation it really does. And I I'm not throwing up courtesy laughs anymore. Absolutely not.

Bitch, we bombed on stage. Yes. Hundreds. Hundreds of people. Thousands of people. Yes. I'm just a person that you're bombing in front of. And it's fine. You'll get me back. You'll get the crowd back at some point. Maybe. And if you don't, maybe we don't need to go on another date. Was he okay

that you did comedy? Like, what was that like? Because he's not a comedian. Oh, girl, I made it out. I made it off the plantation. I escaped. Oh, yes, she free. She free. Give us us free.

He is a product owner, so he wrangles software developers. Oh. Yes. And he's so funny. He's undercover funny. He's a very quiet person but he be saying the most sarcastic shit and I love it. And he doesn't compete with me at all because he was

friends with Kevin. He's been around comedy. He loves it but he also be like, do I have to come to that trip? That's why I'm alone in Brooklyn right now. He'd be like, I'm staying at home. Do I have to come? Wait, do you not live in New York?

I live in Georgia now. Oh, I had no fucking clue. Yes. Wow. She's in Georgia. We moved to Atlanta for the pandemic. I love it. You were like, let's get to a wilder place than we were.

Absolutely. I got a gun now. Everything's crazy. You have a gun now? Yes, girl. What a wild thing to say. You know, everything's a little crazy. Everything's new.

I have a gun now. What kind of gun? It's a Smith & Wesson. Listen, so last year black women buying guns shot up like the statistics. No pun intended. I oppose. We be

shooting it up. We be shooting it up. Black women and Asians bought a bunch of guns last year. Yeah, I mean, I fully understand why. Yeah. You said in the Tonight Show set, you're like, I'm with a half Asian man. So we're ready for the race war. And that got me good.

I was like, yeah. I mean, I think we'd all be on the same side. Yes. He would be on our side, but all of his family would not. That's the real tea. The half would be like, oh, I guess I have to be on the white side. I don't really want to fight with the whites, but like, I guess that's where my allegiance lies. Or who's going to win?

That's what they want to bet. Who's going to win? Which side? Yeah, which side is going to actually win? Like the Lannisters out this bitch. Is it fun living in Atlanta? I love it. Oh my God.

It's so beautiful. Fulton County. We turned the election. It's beautiful. It's gay and black as hell. And like affluence, which is fantastic. Cause you know, we bougie. And the beauty of our neighborhood is there's all these like love is love.

Women's rights are human rights. All these signs on all the lawns. And the only ones you can tell that are the Trump supporters just have an American flag. Because they can't put the Trump sign in his neighborhood. But they're real Georgians. So they was like, we're going to put this American flag out. And that's it. That is funny that the people who we and left are like,

love this. We have things to say. And then people who we and a little writer like Merca, Merca, Merca. One more thing. Merca. And you're like,

all right, that's it. Oh yeah. And guns. And we come back with some guns. Like, all right. Yes. one more thing you're like alright that's it oh yeah and guns and we come back with some guns alright yes it's so strange it's such a strange dichotomy down there so

but I love it but we're moving back to Brooklyn but it was nice to chill in the pandemic with central air and a washer dryer I love how this pandemic has, I feel like people are now like, oh, I don't have to just stay here.

I don't want to be here. I'm going to move. Pick up and fucking move. Let's buy. Yes, that is the goal. I'm trying to be like you both. First time home owner is happening. Oh, you're buying a place?

Yes, in Brooklyn. Congrats! Thank you. You love to fucking hear that. I love home ownership. I love making a tangible investment. Yes. Yes, queen. Get it. Come on, bish. Black homeowner. That's so exciting.

Yes, yes. Okay, tell me about your special. Did you have anxiety putting it together? What you think? I feel like some people are like, nah, put it together. That's what it is. I'm fucking sick as hell, bro. And I'm like, oh boy, putting mine together.

I almost passed away. No, girl. And so here's the thing that it happened where, you know, we had the whole pandemic. And then I came out and booked The Tonight Show off a transcript. Oh, really? Yes. That's wild. And then did the first Tonight Show on May 5th.

And then from then, they were like, Jimmy wants to produce your special. And I was like, yay, but I ain't been on stage in a year. Like I haven't done hours for a year. So I immediately called everyone I knew, Ramon Rivas in Ohio, like all my hustling friends. I was like, I need to run this hour because what the freaking peacock. It's their first special, it's Jimmy's. It's their first special. It's Jimmy's first special, my first special. And anxiety was through the roof.

And now that it's out, it feels like I took a gigantic dump. And I feel so much better. Yeah. Oh, my God. I feel the same way. I just, yeah, running it was a thing. Finding spots was a thing. Because it's like, yeah, you can have a 15-minute spot. But I'm like, no, I need to work way. I just, yeah, running it was a thing. Finding spots was a thing. Cause it's like, yeah, you can have a 15 minute spot,

but I'm like, I don't know. I need to work out the whole fucking thing. Yeah. I need to do transitions. I can't just be like 15 minutes. Hey guys. Okay. That 15 minutes was over.

All right. Here's the next 15. I need to talk for an hour. Yeah. Gotta just, just fucking talk for an hour. I also love that pink dress you're wearing in the promos or the promo pictures was that made for you?

where did you get that shit at? oh my gosh it was a Tool just masterpiece you know we are big fans of Tool your purple dress in the car I just loved it being pushed into the car it was like Sex and the City when she loved it being pushed into the car. It was like

Sex and the City when she had to be pushed into the limo. At the wedding, yes. Oh my god. It was so beautiful. I found that out in the streets in the garment district. I fucking love to hear that because it's so fucking cute.

Thank you, boo. And it was like the night before they were like, oh, by the way, we're doing the promo tomorrow and i was like y'all wasn't gonna tell me uh-huh it was like just so so just make sure you have a promo look i don't live here i feel like they love springing shit on you you're like okay we're doing this this and they're like oh also a hundred other things you're like oh didn't oh okay sure um and do you watch the show legendary at all yes i watched the first season i gotta catch up on the second one because i hear the second one's better well fantastic so i went to go get this dress right and i had my pink boots to match it and i was like we're gonna go od for this promo. And I come out the store and there's this guy like trying to get in, but the place had closed. And I come out and I look

and I was like, have we worked together? You just look familiar. And he was like, well, I dance. And I was like, oh, snap, you're on Legendary. He was one of the head leaders of the House of Oricci. I don't know if House of Oricci you saw on your season. I don't remember. But Omari Oricci was out there and I showed him my boots and my pank. And he was like, oh, yes, girl, do it. So, you know, if a gay compliments you, then everything, nothing matters. It means you look pretty fucking good.

That's it. A gay and a baby. Those are my favorite compliments. A baby who's never spoken a word before i was like damn bitch you look great thank you um can i ask have you ever thought like do you think you're gonna get married do you think that's like oh yes okay because i've been thinking about it lately also i was like i don't know how do i phrase this question? Because I don't want to feel like I'm asking a pressure question. But it was just like, in the world, do you think you'll get married?

So, yes. What kind of cake do you think you're going to have? That's hilarious because I hate that people never really eat the cake. Jean Grey at her wedding had a bunch of different pies. I just want like a dessert table. Like I had a cousin who had a dessert room for her wedding. They were very rich and Jewish. They had a dessert room.

I want a dessert room and just all different desserts and maybe have just like a little cake with, you know, the bride and groom on top. And that just be a little one. And we cut that together and then everyone just like has all options of little desserts i'm so glad i asked that because i actually don't know if i ever want to get married it's just like that's just up in the air who fucking knows but if i get married i want a fucking dessert table dessert table dessert room yes all of that energy have you ever had a milk bar uh it's like milk bars uh birthday it's like a naked birthday cake where there's no frosting on top but in between the layers yeah i yeah and it's weird because i'm not really a frosting girl but for my birthday i take my

special on my 40th birthday and um my friend irene morales sent me that cake oh see that's so nice I truly love that cake but sometimes the consistency is inconsistent sometimes I'm like this is dry oh my god sometimes I'm like oh this is moist I went into milk the other day and they had a disclaimer on the wall they changed the name of the crack pie to the milk bar pie. And they said, we apologize to anyone we offended calling it crack pie. I need to meet the person who walked into milk and was like, I'm deeply offended that you think crack is sweet and delicious. It's not. It ruined my life.

It was a whole woke disclaimer i almost fell out on the floor ordering a latte i say y'all are wild that's what's ruining the community that's an insane thing i? Just the fact that that company needed to apologize to people. It was on the wall. We're living in the wildest fucking times, man. Like, that's nuts. No more crack pie. No more crack pie and milk. Sorry about it.

Real quick. We got to take a break. And we're back. Joyelle, let me ask you. So I've heard, a little birdie told me, Mars, my producer said, that you lived with a dominatrix. I absolutely lived with a dominatrix.

This is so fun for me. What was that like? I lived with a dominatrix who was, as you can understand, a comedian. She was like an open liker. So she was new to the dominatrix game and she was feeling herself out. And one of the things like she wanted to get a dungeon space, like rent the space, but she couldn't afford it. So she asked me if she could bring the slaves to the house. And I was like, as long as you don't call them slaves to my African-American

face, I need you to die. That's so funny. Hey, can I bring slaves over first of all? Ma'am, you can't just call them slaves and say, can I bring slaves into the house? Because then you're like, will I become a slave? What is is this what's the criteria i'm i'm i'm triggered so fucking funny i am triggered but also my favorite thing because i believe sex work is work love it some people have a real issue with that but i'm like not being able to afford a dungeon space i feel that on a level like someone who maybe like sews is like i wish i could afford a studio to sew and she's like i wish i could afford a studio to beat people and step on them and call them a slave that is so fucking funny yes and she she couldn't do it because she was the open biker so it's like

how do you get started dominatrixing? And when she said, can she bring him over? I was like, girl, absolutely. I need material. Like, why? Why would I not just let you bring? Hopefully we don't get murdered. But she brought these dudes.

One of them was a foot slave. She'd be like, look, the foot slave is coming over. Do you want him to rub on your feet? I'm like nah i'm good oh my god i love that she's sharing oh this is i this is very funny to me because i'm like surely they would just go right to her room you know whatever and she's like oh i mean they could but like if your feet need a little little rub a little rub uh caveat he has to take his pants off while he rubs on your feet i said i am content with my feet not being touched by that man that's oh i love it so does she bring any of her uh people over her slaves yeah she brought the foot slave

over and she brought the other guy who liked to he would put on a little maid's outfit and clean up. But the joke there was that he's a white man and they are not good at cleaning. So get the top of the fridge. What are you doing? There's dust up there. You are terrible at this. Did she walk around to be like, do better? Oh, she would absolutely.

She would like, get on your knees. Is that clean? Get down there. Lick the floor. Now, are you in like the living room watching like reruns of Living Single listening to this in the background? Living Single, different world. I'm chilling. I'm like, excuse me. I'm going about my business. I'm making tater tots. I'm going about my business. I'm making tater tots. I'm just chilling. So what else did she do? Did she have like good stories?

Did she come home with stories and stuff? She tried. So she had a couple guys that were like the financial slave. She really wanted to get into that, which is where you're just telling them what to do with their money. So they it's like they want a mothery type of they like they want to be yelled at. They want to be like, you're just telling them what to do with their money. So it's like they want a mothery type of, they want to be yelled at. They want to be like, you're stupid. Give me your credit card. You cannot be in control of your money.

This is what I'm buying you. You're dumb. You don't know how to dress. You don't know how to smell. I'm buying you expensive. You know, that's the type of stuff. But then also I'm buying myself something as a penalty. Boy, oh boy. boy i mean that is

the dream to just yell at men and then be like i also get to buy shit absolutely i was like everyone needs this type of uh arrangement like sugardaddy.com need to update their settings i fucking love that did she ever like show you the outfits she would wear? Like, what kind of outfits? Oh, show me. She's walking around. She'd be like, I just bought this. Would you like to see?

Because she was also a Virgo. So she, you know we love to play dress up. I really do. She would come with her new shoes and her thigh highs and, you know, latex. We love latex. We love latex. We love latex. Anytime I see someone in tight latex, I'm like, how did you get into that? Especially when it's a catsuit, girl.

You'd be like, that looks stressful. And then if you have nails on top of that, I'm like, how did you not break all of your nails pulling it up? I'm the worst. I break my nails putting on my shapewear. Yes. I break my nails putting on my shapewear. Yes. I break my nails putting on my shoes and they fit

and they're not. They're like loose. I've worn them a hundred times and I'll put them on and leave the house and be like, two of my nails are broken now. Oh my God.

I chipped my nail the day before the special. I got my nails done and then chipped them immediately and I almost had a freaking meltdown. I would have had, it would have, yeah, it just would have added to anxiety. I think I got my nails done and then chipped them immediately. And I almost had a freaking meltdown. I would have had it would.

Yeah, just would add it to anxiety. I think I got my nails done like two days before. I was like, OK, I have to get this done. I got to get my eyebrows done. I have to look nice because the people will talk about and be very mean. Absolutely. They so mean. And I didn't read any of the comments.

See, you're better than I. I love reading comments. Are you a cutter? Yeah. My therapist is like, I do think it's close to like cutting or like hurting yourself. And if, oh my God, I'm like, in my head, I'm like, someone who actually cuts is probably mad at me now. Who's like, it's not the same thing. Boy, oh boy.

It's hard to just talk freely. Who am I? Milk bar. Sorry about that. Crack pie. Sorry about the cutting comment. You better release this apology. Yeah.

There's going to be an apology at the end of this episode podcast. I'm like, Oh my God, I'm so sorry. Anyway, I do read the comments just specifically because I'm if someone has something constructive, nobody ever does. But I'm waiting for someone to be like, hey, the joke structure was off. I think it would have been funnier if you had done X, Y and Z.

Then I'd be like, oh, huh. Well, thank you. As opposed to like you unfunny bitch. And I'm like, sometimes I am a bitch and comedy subjective. Exactly. A guy told me after the Tonight Show, he was like, don't compare white people to the weather. That is racist. Don't compare white people to the weather.

I mean. I said, thanks for watching. I mean, every view counts. Every view counts. It absolutely counts. Thank you so much. He's like, maybe I don't know comedy. Maybe, maybe you don't, sir. Maybe you don't. I just, everybody has something to say

about everything. And I find that so interesting. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I feel like that's the way you got to look at it. If you're looking at those comments, you're looking at it as, A, these people have zero agency in their own lives. B, they obviously wish they could do what we do. And C, it only hurt people hurt people. Yeah, I believe that. Because sometimes I'll say something nasty about someone, and then I'll really think about it and be like, oh, it's because I'm dealing with X, Y, and Z,

and I'm making fun of them and I shouldn't be. Yeah. Yeah. That's exactly like within the relationship because we have a couples therapist and if we start to get mean. So how long into the relationship did you start seeing a couple?

I think you said three months? Yeah. In the set? Yeah. Oh, absolutely. Three months. And I was asking all my friends our mutual friends I was like who you see send me that name I think it's like really

fucking healthy to be like okay so I'm in this to win this we are gonna have ups and downs let's just because I think people wait till it's so bad to get a couple of therapists but it's like when it's good let's talk that's exactly what it is like people wait till the house is on fire and it's like let's do fire prevention now let's cover up these outlets yeah let's fucking baby proof these outlets it's like the electrical fires happened okay the baby put a fucking fork in there. There you go. That happened. So that,

and that's what he told us. Like, it's good that you guys are doing it now. He's like, so few couples do it in the beginning, but I was like, I'm a standup comedian. I hate white people and I hate men.

So I need help. There's two checks there. Yeah. I, I just think it's smart um also do you run your jokes past your your boo-boo before you say them about him on stage no and he saw that through zoom like we would we would be talking about something and then i'd go in the room and be like, so I just had this conversation. He'd be like, Oh, okay. He's fine with that. He doesn't have an issue.

He does not have an issue at all. And we've talked about it at length in therapy too. And he's like, he just gets it. He gets it. And he's okay with it. You know? Yeah.

That would be nice because I went on a date with this guy who almost immediately was like oh you can talk about this on your pocket he like said something half funny and i said haha half a laugh and he said you gonna mention on your podcast and i said no no i surely won't I surely won't. It's even worse than not laughing. No, I absolutely will not. I will never mention this, but thank you for asking. I love that, you know, you had that thought, but no.

I love your enthusiasm there, bud. Spidey. So are you touring again? No. Yeah. You're doing a show at the bell house now yes yes i'm doing i i'm still in that sweet opener spot and i love it uh i'm here with maria i just did town hall with butoh i'm going down to i'm going to be working with fortune in georgia and then fun gary goldman in the midwest so i mean it's

like hey i have no pressure there i don't have to sell out this theater but do you have like a whole new 30 i don't got no jokes i don't have nothing i don't have nothing we are going through the same thing i did 15 fucking minutes on tig show the other night and she was like how much time do you want and i was i said 10 and then i looked at my phone i was like hit 11 i was like well i can't believe i did this oh my god it's been truly an uphill battle no i, I'm doing the jokes from the special. I'm having to get rid of these jokes. This hurts. It does hurt. I'm doing them perfectly now.

They're perfect. Yeah, they're all fucking worked out. I did it. They're perfect, beautiful jokes that I love. Yes. Yeah, I'm working from the ground up, man. That's brave. I am not working from the ground up man that's brave i am not working from the ground up i'm doing little commercials for the special in every city little commercials for the special if you like this you can watch it again on peacock thank you thank you so much

i expand on these notions the other night i closed with an old joke from the special, but I forgot that it led from another joke. So midway through, I was like, oh shit, they're not going to get it. I was like, oh, okay, let's backtrack. I've been just messy. I wrote this little, it's truly a very dumb song. And I started singing it and I went, oh no. And then I restarted and I was like, oh no.

And then I was like, ah, you guys are all just watching me go, oh, no. Here's what happened. I wrote this song and I messed it up. Now, do you guys want to hear it? Yeah. Clap. Yeah. I was like, OK, I'm going to say I'm going to sing a song.

Clap again. We're going to pretend that first part never happened. And then I did the song to like a pretty tepid response. And then I fully was like, was it worth it and they're like yes they're like we're watching this woman break down fully in front of us it's a girl we're fine are you okay it's like are you okay do you want to like get in your car go back home and really flesh that joke out before you say it in front of people again and i'm like i don't know if i will whatever i panicked I threw it off the boat

oh god it's just comedy is hard living is hard comedy is hard it is absolutely hard and y'all don't expect a singer to sing all new songs every time you see them yeah you'd be so mad if Beyonce didn't do uh Drunken Love or Formation or Single Ladies. You'd be so mad. Yes. So that's what we said, the hits. And it was Jackie Kayshun told me when I was like, okay, I just released the album, but what should I do for the special?

And she was like, greatest hits. Nobody knows you. That's honestly such a fun, like what a thinly veiled almost insult bitch nobody knows you the greatest hits yes and i was like you know what you right i put a joke from my half hour into my hour and i was really tossing and turning about it and i was like oh this i love it this and it works feeling like you're gonna be set up by a shooting range someone's gonna just execute you because you did it they're like you stupid bitch we've already heard it

and you're like ah no it's not happening it's not happening. It's not happening. Nobody fucking cares. No one cares. But not only does no one care, we want to hear it. Like anytime I'm watching Maria, I love watching her do her jokes over and over again. So I was like, we got to get out our head. But good luck telling us that. Deborah D. Giovanni, I think I'm saying her last name right, has this one joke that I fucking love. And this is like maybe two years ago. We were on the same show and I was like, hey has this one joke that i fucking love and this is like maybe two years ago we were on the same show and i was like hey um that one joke and i described it i was like can you can you do that your nail polish joke and she said i haven't done it in so long and i was like

oh okay uh yeah don't worry about that um i just i i really love and then she got on stage and then she's like this is for nicole and i it was for me i was like clapping and like please do it reluctantly that's the only way i want people to do their greatest hits is reluctant love it so joyelle let me ask yes are you a person who dated in high school or middle school uh yeah i had my first boyfriend uh from the marching band i'm a marching band geek and he was an identical twin and they both played the quad drums oh okay i have no idea what the quad oh is that like four drums strapped to their chest exactly okay yes i did know what it was all right she your knowledge she got more knowledge than she thought you used context

clues i'm very proud of you sure did i was like marching they're holding drums oh strapped to them uh that i am so not jealous but i'm like my goodness how how do you get a boyfriend when you're young because i'm old now and i'm like how do i get a boyfriend when you're young? Because I'm old now and I'm like, how do I get a boyfriend now? Period. And it was crazy because I haven't even dated that much. I was single for so long. But he was my first boyfriend. Mother hated me.

And second boyfriend, mother hated me. I don't do good with mothers. Why? Did they ever overtly tell you why? Or was it just like this passive aggressive feeling? it was aggressive aggressive they weren't trying to hide it

I would walk in and they'd be like hi oh no mad and I was a kid I was like hey why don't you like me? can I stay for dinner? are you mad?

Did you poison the dinner? I'm nervous to meet someone's mother. Absolutely, yeah. Especially when I was a kid. I was like, what the hell? And then, yeah, those two boyfriends didn't. And then I just didn't date for a long time. And now I have my current guy.

When you weren't dating, was it a conscious effort? You were like, I don't want to be with anybody. Or were you just like, nothing's fucking working? Nothing was working. I was trying to do, you know, dating apps. I was, of course, doing the sleeping with comics thing that we all know is a no, no, no, no. Yeah, that's a no, no. How are we going to learn our lessons if we don't trip off the cliff?

So, yeah, did that thing. And, yeah, I was actively, I was always actively being like, somebody love me, please. Please. So when you were on apps, did you do the reaching out? Were you the one hitting on people? Or did you let them come to you? I would try to do a little bit of both.

I tried the Bumble thing because I'm very, I'm actually shy. People are surprised when I say that. They're like, you're not shy. I was like, I do, that's an act, you know. Beyonce is Sasha Fierce. Like that's Sasha Fierce on stage. But Joyelle's actually really shy. So I felt like I would be facing a fear if I'd be like, hello, hi, and try to make a little joke or something.

You know, trying to reach out. But I didn't feel like I was good at it. of fear and if I'd be like hello hi and try to make a little joke or something you know trying to reach out um but I didn't feel like I was good at it bumble is incredibly hard uh I did it for a hot second but I just it was just too much rejection I was like oh my god because men love to just they say yes to everybody and then whittle it down. Yes. And nobody was ever saying yes to me in a real way. So Bumble's not for me. Yeah, it wasn't. And then I just saw like, you know, a little, I'm picky. So it'll be like, oh, your grammar sucks for your text.

That's a great way to dry my panties all the way out. Oh boy. I am terrible at grammar. I, so she will literally decode my texts to like have to understand what i'm saying to her uh because sometimes i'll go back and read it and i'll text her back and be like i'm so sorry that barely made sense to me and she was like i i got it you just dropped a bunch of words and there's the punctuation was all over the i get what you're trying to say and i'm like okay word salad yeah so i'm gonna have to find somebody

who's okay with that yes you have to because it's like you like sashir has known you for years so she can decode and i'm like if i don't know you'd be like girl did she take our meds? It's like, honestly, probably not. The ADHD be jumping around. She don't know. She don't know. It's bad. Hey. And I can't consistently take meds. That's why I've never been on them. May I ask why or is this personal?

No, I'm just not good at it. Like, I wasn't even good at birth control. Having to do something consistently, I'm not good at consistency. So it's like meds for mental and meds for birth control you have to be consistent and I never I'm not good at it it's tough so what I did was so I'm on so Adderall you have to take three pills throughout the day and I was like do we not understand that ADHD it's hard to remember to do anything so i'm on a time released one and i put it right by my bed and when i get out of bed lord jesus does she try to just take it right then but you know sometimes you walk to the bathroom and you go why did i come in here and

you're like dude i don't think i have to pee then you walk back to the bed you're like well i don't need to go back to sleep so then you walk back to the bed and you're like, well, I don't need to go back to sleep. So then you walk back to the bathroom and you're like, did I take my medicine? You're like, don't know. Should have taken it when I first stepped out of the bed. Absolutely. And then you'll look at your phone and you'll be like, Chadwick Boseman died.

And then. Yeah. And you're like, oh no, now I'm wrapped up in that. Okay. Was I supposed to do something? Was I supposed to do something to death? I have an Apple watch now, which is pretty rude because it celebrates your like fitness goals. Do you have an Apple Watch?

No, I'm not. I don't. I refuse watches. Oh, I see. Well, I like got one to try to like figure out like my heart rate stuff. And I wanted to do like Apple fitness or whatever because I like working out in my house and not going to the gym anymore. But it made this noise and then a little firework circle happened

and it said, you have been active for 18 minutes. And I was like, okay, this is fucking rude. But the point I was trying to make is I lose my phone a lot and as a thing where it dings your phone, I was like, this is game changing. Now I don't lose my phone at all. That's fantastic. So it's tethered. Your phone is not tethered to you. Yes, my phone is my tether to my wrist. But you got to remember to charge the Apple Watch.

Sometimes it's a bracelet that doesn't tell you the time or anything you need. Sometimes it's just a pretty bracelet and yeah i yeah i don't know if i'd be acclimated to that because i feel like once i just passed the 40 mark i am in that technology no more no new technology no new friends yeah no new friends we can't do that it's very hard i mean technology is fucking hard and i hate it yeah yeah it's it's really difficult especially you know you're like sit down to someone else's computer or someone that will hand you their phone and you're like what is this even if it's an apple phone i'm like i don't understand yeah i don't my friend gracie had she i don't she has like her screen cut in

half and then there's like shit up top and shit. And I was like, what? And there's like the time in the middle. And I was like, I don't. How? Why? And it really, I was like, this looks hard. I could never use your phone. I have to take pictures.

Yeah, how do you do anything? I don't get it. Joyelle, let me ask you this. You have so much hair. Oh, yes. How? I think it's definitely one of the good things i got from my deadbeat dad his hair was super thick and my mother's hair is super soft and so there's meshed together and made this this uh bird's nest i gotta say thank you so much for being honest

because some people will be like the nighttime regimen that I do. And I do hair masks and I only eat eggs and milk. But yeah, sometimes it's just the genes you got. Yeah, it's just some genes. And I wish I could stay consistent. Like that's my mom's thing now. She loves to moisturize my hair. That's her new like old age just bonding.

She's like, I got to do your hair. But she's like abrasive about it. I got to come over, I got to do your hair. But she's like abrasive about it. I got to come over. I got to do your hair. I'm like, okay. Come over. That's so sweet. I love that.

Yeah. So she's been making like yogurt mixes for me. You know, it's like we'd be on the road and stuff and hat, do rag. And my hair would be like. Could you put a leave-in conditioner anything water even please yeah my hair is always dehydrated and very upset with me sometimes i'll touch it i'm like this my hair is a brick it's not soft it is so coarse and tough yeah truly knocking on it being like is anybody home yeah, she didn't moisturize.

And they was like, oh, that's why you be having a breakage. Okay, you're right. Oh, my hair breaks so much. I'm wearing a hat right now because it's been in these nasty little braids for too damn long. Oh, girl, I did the last braids I had. They dreadlocked a little bit, so I had to straight cut some of the hair off you know that struggle oh abso-fucking-lutely we were like I guess this just gotta go I guess I left those in too long uh-huh whenever I like braid my hair in box braids I sometimes will

let them go too long that they start dreading at the the fucking. And I'm like, oh no, I guess I got to take these out and start over. This is not good. Yeah, it's okay. Lump it. We did it. It's tough. It is tough. Okay, so Joyelle, you're in a relationship.

Yes. I don't think I'm going to be able to recreate how you met your boo, but what is some advice other than going to a funeral for me to meet somebody? I tell everyone, did you make your list of everything you want? I did. You did? Yes. Is it current?

How current is it? Oh, maybe I haven't done one in a minute. Do a new one. Do a new one. Okay. Because it was when I finally made that decision to be like, I might not ever get with somebody. I might not ever have a baby. I might be alone. And that's when I was starting to make money. I was like, it's okay, because I'm making money. And so I was content. And the

second I had that feeling and my list, I broke up with the dude I was dating and then got with my guy. And girl, I've been single this whole time, 17 years. Okay, real quick. We have to take another break. And we are back. Back to this list. Okay, so you don't just share everything on the list. But what are like the top two things that you put on there?

Top two things. I definitely put not a comic. I definitely put that on the list but what are like the top two things that you put on there top two things i definitely put not a comic i definitely put that on the list um i definitely put uh someone who is emotionally available because i was dating so many people that were just like withholding dance you know and i um i wanted someone taller than me oh that was my petty one that was my okay little petty one I think it's really funny when you see on the internet they're like come on get you a short king and it's like okay well some people want that some people like a taller person you like what you like and maybe you'll surprise yourself i'm fine i've dated short kings before my first boyfriend was five foot six how tall are you five ten and a quarter oh she's very tall she's very tall so i'm i'm fine with a short king but uh our short king's fine with me because you

know men have their issues so i'm tall and funny the flip side to the meme. Yeah. Tall, funny. That's a lot. Yeah. For a male's ego. Mm hmm. What a bitch. Big bitches. Big funny bitches. I hope to have a partner one day introduce me as, oh, yeah, I'm dating that big funny bitch over there. I'd be like, oh, yeah, that's love.

That's nice. I did it. I did it. I'm bigger than everyone in the room. So especially in Hollywood, you know, we walk in looking like. Well, here's the thing. I thought I was taller than I am. I'm only 5'5", so I'm really not taller than anybody. Who knew? I didn't.

But I think those are like good things. Those are like good, clear things. Yeah. They're really like emotionally available. Yeah. It's so necessary. And the fact that when I was like therapy, he was completely on board because he has his own therapist. I have my own therapist. And it's like a lot of men don't want to go to therapy. A lot of people don't want to go to therapy. So I was so happy that he was, you know, amenable to that. Yeah, that's huge.

I love therapy. I've been in therapy for a minute. I think it's great. I talk to this lady once a week who cares about me, but is not like fully invested in my life and has an objective opinion about things that I'm telling. Sometimes I'll be like, okay, so I did a thing and I know it's crazy. And she'll just be like, well, you needed to do it.

Maybe you try not to do it again. And we'll see. And don't judge yourself. Yes. That's a huge thing. Like, don't judge yourself. Yeah. Don't judge yourself for being single.

Don't judge yourself for being terrible at dating. Because I know I was. But I was like, I saw it all as practice. It's all practice. It's all rehearsal. It is. It is all rehearsal. It is funny to think. What are we dating? We're dating in

order to find the person that you want to spend just a chunk of time with. And it's like, can I spend a chunk of time with you? No. Can I spend a chunk of time with you? No. Can you spend a chunk of time with me? Oh, you said spend a chunk of time with you? No. Can you spend a chunk of time with me? Oh, you said hard no. Hard pass.

Hard pass? Oh, ghost? Okay. Oh my God. Let me read to you what this man said to me on an app. Please. Thank you. Wait, let me find it.

Okay. It's opening up. Boy, it's taking a minute. Okay. He said to me. Which app are you allowed to say this is on tinder i can say it okay fine he said his first he goes hello and i was like hello and then he said just from your bio you seem like a lot to deal with lol i like it and i was like okay i i don't. What's that? Why?

It's like one of those. Why do you say that to me? Like a nagging thing where it's like I'm going to insult you a little bit. Absolutely. That's absolutely what that is. I know I'm a lot, but I was like, you could tell me like a month in, two months in. That you think I'm a lot. Not before we meet.

We haven't even met and you think I'm a lot. We haven't even met and you think I'm a lot. And then also that like sets up an expectation that you think I'm going to be a lot in person and maybe I'll just be coming from work to this date and I'll just be like low key and chill. Yeah. And everything you're going to do at that point is going to be a lot when you,

when you come in with that preconceived notion that I'm going to be a lot. So even if you're like, oh, this is too sweet. Oh, here this bitch go. You're like, I'm allowed to think something's too sweet. But since you think I'm alive. He's like, oh boy, she thinks it's sweet. Oh, we're never going to hear the end of it. I'm like, oh my God. Yeah. And he's cute. But I'm like, oh, I don't know if I want to go out with someone who already thinks I'm a lot. No, no, no, no. There's no need for that.

And it's funny because I also put on the list politics. That shit is so important, especially now with like vaxxing. And I can't imagine some of my friends were saying they got to put it in their profiles whether or not you are vaxxed or not. Because my homegirl went on a date and then realized on the date the guy was anti he'd be like oh check immediately please yeah man just breathing covid giggling at her no i yeah we're living truly in the dumbest of times where you have to be like do you believe in science like do you believe in elections elections and like things that have happened? Like, what reality do you live in?

Do you think if a child goes to a protest and murders people, that's okay? Boy, oh boy. That was fucking nuts. And I love that like every black person I follow is like, don't fucking text us today. We taking a black day. He killed white people and we got to take a black day. That's how stressful America is. White people die, we still got to take a black

day. So nuts. Everything is bad. Bad, duh. Bad, duh. That's why it's like, if you're going through something bad, people, it's okay. We all, okay. Patti LaBelle said in her verses, if you gained some weight during the pandemic, that's all right, baby. It's okay we all okay patty labelle said in her verses if you gained some weight during the pandemic that's all right baby it's okay to be going through some bad whatever bad is i love that

i haven't watched it yet but i heard shaka khan was uh messy i heard she was messy i fucking love her she was on drag race and the I watched, she was so high. Her eyes were barely open. And I think Ru was like, and we have every woman. And she was like, mm-hmm. And I was like, Chaka Khan, that's your song. Yes. Mm-hmm.

I mean, what a dream to just, like, be a retired icon, legendary singer, and just being like, oh, me? I'm in the clouds all day long. Oh, she be in the clouds. Yo, do you remember when Oprah threw that Legends Bowl? Yes. Did you see the singing for the brunch that they did where they were, like, passing the mic? Yes, but I don't remember it because I haven't watched it in a minute.

Watch that clip again. You got to see the women in front of Chaka Khan when they pass the mic to her. It's like Leotine Price. And she like shades her. And it's Tina Turner. And they're just like sitting there like this bitch. Like they really have this bitch on their faces. It's Tina Turner. And they're just like sitting there like this bitch. Like they really have this bitch on their faces. It's so funny.

That's the blackest sentence I've said today. New Teen Price. I wish Oprah would have another Legends Ball. I mean, when the Legends Ball happened, I said to myself, self, the goal is to be able to be invited to the Legends Brunch. And then she never fucking did it again oh she's gonna do it again you got you yes you get the

baby earrings I just want some diamond earrings from Oprah is that too much to ask? I mean it is not too much to ask if anything I think it is a healthy a healthy beautiful ask or maybe Whoopi will throw a Legends for comedians

I would Whoopie if you're listening i know you're a big fan i know you love me so much just kidding whoopi goldberg has no idea who i am but yes throw a legends ball for the black comedians yes that would be hot that would be super hot amazing oh we'd have to wear tulle oh my god i would wear the most i fucking love tulle i love it i love it oh you feel elegant you feel opulent you feel beautiful you feel stunning girly i love being a girl i love being a girl yes i was talking to someone and i was like i don't really understand being non-binary i mean every day i just kind of feel either masculine or feminine and I just kind of float between the two. And they were like, that's the definition of it. I was like, oh, doesn't everyone kind of feel like that? Oh boy. We got some work to do with humanity.

Well, cause like today I'm like, this is pretty masculine. I'm not wearing my makeup, I'm wearing my little hat. You look like you're about to set it off. You're giving very sexy Queen Latifah energy. I am here for it. Thank you. Rob a bank, bitch. Yes. I fucking love Set It Off. Oh, that's one of my favorite movies.

That's one of my favorite hood classics. I saw Set It Off in Newark, New Jersey. Yes, you did. Opening weekend. Ooh. Honestly, probably a very good memory. Oh, my God. It was amazing.

When Queen Latifah kissed the girl, the theater, you couldn't hear anything for five minutes. Because I remember watching that in my home and being like, yes, Cleo! That movie is so good. When they're on the chase

and then her girlfriend's crying, I was like, oh my God, they're really in love. The emotion of it all. Wasn't she like crying like in some sexy lingerie? I believe so. She was waiting for Cleo to come back.

She was waiting for her to come back. They were going, fuck on the money. And she's like, she's not coming back. She didn't come back. It's one of my favorite movies. Absolutely.

I remember- Jada's best work. Seeing that in the theater, oh my god black women are shooting when she came into the bank door the wall with the car it's like yes oh god yes i love it and then that man from scrubs he's the cop he's looking for them and then he lets Stoney go. Oh, wow. Oh, no, I ruined it if you haven't seen it. Whatever. I didn't say that much.

Whatever. The new name of this podcast is Spoiler Alert with Nicole Byer. Spoiler Alert. I'm going to spoil 20-year-old movies. Thank you. Yes, exactly. Oh, it's a classic. I want to star in a remake.

Like, I really want to be in a remake like i really want to be in a remake i've said i i don't think we should remake things but i'm like why not it's fun it's such a fun movie say isa was trying to do that oh was she um isa i know you're a big fan of the podcast you listen to every episode just kidding isa ray has no idea who i am let me be in your remake and set it off please i think you should i think she's non-binary enough yeah i could be queen latifah's part come on i'll put on a masculine hat that day i don't know gender's a prison and i say uh we got to break free we got to break free from the gender prison okay Okay, Joyelle, I have another question. Yes. So you met your boo in person. What is, did you like, were you flirting the first time you met?

And what advice do you have for flirting? No, so the first real time I met him, because he gets mad at me because I do not remember the first two times we met. Joyelle! I was like, we were grieving. I was sad. I don't remember.

But I met him in Alana's kitchen, and we were just talking. And I was like, oh, he's such like, I was like, I love him. And that wasn't like I'm in love with him. I was just like, I love him. You know when you meet someone and you're like, oh, you're cool. I love this person. They're fun to talk to. You're a cool person.

And I didn't feel like I was flirting but i remember feeling like oh i would you know you know what you'd be like cleavage like should i enhance it should i put my shoulders back stand up a little straighter um so yeah saying all that to say i think i'm terrible at flirting like i'm goofy okay i'm goofy i'm the one that'll fall off the chair like, oops. Oops, am I a cutie? I guess maybe that's the key, to stay true to who I am and just, you know, be a little flirt. You have to because people aren't, you know, once they settle in, you got to deal with the real girl. Yeah, you're going to have to deal with me being a lunatic. Marilyn Monroe, baby.

So, Joyelle, we have come to the end. Do you have anything you want to promote? I have my album, Yell Joy, come out this Juneteenth of 2021. And I have my special Lovejoy come out on November the 5th on Peacock. So, November 3rd. Watch those. Lovejoy come out on November the 5th on Peacock. So November 3rd. Watch those. Lovejoy. Download the album.

Watch it. Send me money. Send me money. Yeah. What's your Venmo? At Joyelle-Johnson. So if you like anything you heard, you want to, you know, pay a friend. There you go.

You should Venmo your black friends. you should venmo your black friends okay venmo your black friends if you think about texting them just venmo them it is a reparation can start with you yeah you be the change you want to see in the world there you go um if you thank you so much joelle for being here um absolute pleasure uh if you liked this episode of why won't you date me you can rate it you can review you can subscribe on apple podcasts if you want to send me an email of any old thing oh shit what is the email it's uh why won't you date me podcast at gmail.com mars did i get that right that's correct oh thank god okay um you know it's an easy one to remember but it's hard okay so this person

sent me i list uh this dirty review i listened two years worth of this podcast in a month and a half i would definitely love to put a candle between your cheeks and eat that chocolate cake like there's no tomorrow. Then hit it with my meat stick like a pinata, waiting for all that sweet candy stuff to drip all over my mouth using and use and use that delicious hiracha like pussy liquid to lubricate as lubricant to finger you softly while talking dirty Spanish to you. When we're done, I'll wrap you like a burrito and cuddle you until you decide

you want to do it all over again. Wow. Okay. Ooh, that person's from Finland. Wow. Yes. Go get yourself healthcare. She's global.

Okay. He likes the song truffle butter ugh ugh Joyelle ugh goodbye that's it

for Why Won't You Date Me with me Nicole Byer Why Won't You Date Me is produced and engineered by oh the sweetest woman

I know Marissa Melnick it is executive produced by other wonderful people, Adam Sachs, Joanna Solotaroff, and Jeff Ross. Thanks for listening. I love you. Thank you so much. We'll be seeing you next Friday with a brand new episode.

What a dream. What a dream. Ha, ha, ha. This has been a Team Coco production.