Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Naming Your Body Parts (w/ Heidi N Closet)

Episode Date: December 24, 2021

Drag queen Heidi N Closet (RuPaul's Drag Race S12) chats with Nicole about how her dating life changed after Drag Race, the kinky things she's introduced in the bedroom, the various names she's given all of her body parts, and lady glory holes. Plus, they answer all of your questions about Valentine's day - the best food to eat,  their worst Valentine's day, and their dream hookup.Originally recorded February 12th, 2021. Our Best of 2021 list is here! Listen to top episodes you voted for at teamcoco.com/dateme2021 Black Lives Matter. Click here for a list of over 100 different ways you can support racial justice.   Follow Nicole Byer: Tour Dates: linktr.ee/nicolebyerwastakenTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerNew Merch Store! podswag.com/datemeNicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746 

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, Merry Christmas! The holiday season of Why Won't You Name Me continues with another livestream episode from Behind the Paywall. This week I'm joined by the ever so funny Heidi and Closet. We have a real big to-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho. It was originally recorded February 12th. Ooh, that's my sister's birthday. So this one's a little bit of a Valentine's Day special episode. Heidi is so fun.

Too bad y'all can't see the visual. She takes off her wig at one point. It was very fun. I think I may have taken off my wig. Actually, I don't know. Haven't listened to it. Okay, without further ado, enjoy this extra funny episode with Heidi and Closet.

Let's hear my beautiful theme song. Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why. Please tell me why. Oh, wow. Oh, wow. Oh, wow. You guys, thank you so much for being here. I can't see you.

I can't hear you, but I know you there. Okay. So I decided to like do my makeup and I put on my great big wig that's in my driver's license picture. But welcome to Why Won't You Date Me, the live virtual event. I'm dressed a little bit like Liza Minnelli. Anywho, let's just get to it. I want to introduce my guest today. I am so fucking excited.

She's one of my favorite queens. She made me laugh so hard on her season. Season 12 of RuPaul's Drag Race and she's Miss Reigning Congeniality. It's Heidi and Closer! Hello gorgeous! How are you doing? I'm fabulous. I love this wig.

You thought I was going to let you outdo me with big hair you thought i love that you didn't let me be alone with having big hair this is fucking fabulous clock the forehead well it is it is a lot of forehead but i thought that was like the look you were going for. I, you know, sometimes I want a five head, you know, and sometimes I want a six head. You know, the more head, the better. Honestly, Heidi. Wow. That really struck a chord with me because I haven't given head in so long and I miss it dearly. Okay, so I'm not alone.

Okay, so I'm not the only person that misses it. Okay, because sometimes I feel bad for liking it. I feel bad for liking it, but now I don't feel so bad. No, never feel bad for liking to suck a dick. I love sucking dick. I think there's a power to it. Yes, yes.

Oh, wait, this might be too big for me. Oh. What an awful sound. Amateur. Amateur. Amateur. I don't know what this is called, but I can fit that in my mouth. Hold on. You got it.

Go, go, go. Hey. Go off still. Thank you. Professional. You got to jiggle the balls. Everybody who will listen to this after the live feed is gonna be like, these are awful sounds.

And I just want to explain to you the sounds you just heard. That was me blowing my microphone because I am horny in this here pandemic. That was hot, too. It was hot. Y'all should have saw it. Thank you. Thank you so much. I love sucking dick heidi how is the pandemic treating you are you dating oh wait i don't even know this are you single

what what's going on the pandemic has been a struggle um as far as dating um Because dating, things, I wouldn't say dating. Some things may be in the work, may not. I'm not sure where things may go. You know, it's the future. We shall look to see the future. How about it? How about it? Maybe good.

That's honestly, that is a nice answer. That is an answer I would love to give somebody if someone was like, are you dating? No, you can't. Oh, my God. Are you single? Yes. Heidi, I am famously single. And that's like not even a colloquialism.

Like, I am fucking single. I knew. I was just wanting you to say it. I just wanted you to say it. That's all. It is depressing. The struggle is so real like oh girl yes so you just recently moved to la right actually i did i moved to la west hollywood right behind the 24-hour gym which is really known for um extracurricular activities don't be telling the people where you live

that's so funny known for extracurricular activities that Don't be telling the people where you live. That's so funny. Known for extracurricular activities. That's why you want the people to know where you live. I'm just going to sit out front of it once everything's open back up and be like, hey, I live three blocks this way. You ain't got to go in there. Just come on down. Come on down the street. Come on down the street. Come on. Let's go.

I love it. Where did you... You moved from North Carolina? Am I a liar? No. Finally, no, you are correct. I am from North Carolina. Ramsur. Ramsur. That's when you're feeling fancy and boujee, but we just call it the sewer there. But yeah, Ramsur.

Oh, Ramsur. Oui, oui. Okay. So how was, was dating different in rems than it is in la oh dear goodness um well in la there's so many of us and in uh rems i was only one of three oh no so yeah it's definitely different i mean there was a lot of brothers that were the under us of cover us. Sure, sure. It would always be in my inbox because I look so soft and...

Oh, that is a good fucking whistle. I wish. I wish. Thank you. I can't do it. Oh, my. I can't do it. Sounds like something else. Boy, it's on the brain.

It'd be like that sometimes. So what was it like growing up in a very small town with very few gay people? Are there a lot of black people there at least? You can't be like alone, alone. You got to have somebody. We were still definitely in the minority for sure. But there were some people of color there. So luckily I was not the only black person.

There was some other black people. There was people of Hispanic descent and other descents as well. So we were there together. We was thriving and trying to survive, you know, living our best lives and whatnot. So I wasn't completely alone. Because back then I was kind of a thug, too. Oh. Wait, really?

Yes, I was for a brief stint of time in my life. Heidi and Closet was a thug. I fucking love that about people. Because it's like like nobody's monolithic you know like everybody has different experiences and so many people are like oh yeah i used to like be like this and then i like kind of fell into my truth and now i'm a different person very that literally i am so completely different from what i used to be oh back in the day i had the baggy pants oversized shirts twisted back cap

and everything, swag walking, and now I wear high heels and a corset and 12 pantyhose and live my best life. So, you know, people change. Let me tell you a story, Nicole. Please.

Once upon a time, not long ago, I was a hoe. Yes. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. People change. People change. Yeah, people do change. So when did you find drag?

Actually, I've always seen drag or at least some sort of gender gender expression and like outside of the uh the heteronorm norma normality is that the norma heteronormality is that the word heteronormality norma normani the heteronormality of it all i love that but i'm still in that putting that on a shirt but um my eldest sister is a trans woman and she really um allowed me to have a glance into the world that is the lgbtqia plus community as well as introducing me to drag as well so i've always like had that like like an outlet of being able to see into it. And I was always, I was always fascinated by it growing up always. And I always knew something about me was different from all the other little boys out there. So I was like, and then eventually I came to terms with who I was and I never

looked back. I've never said an apology for becoming who I am and, and living my truth you know i fucking love that i just love people who live unapologetically i try to i try to not apologize for anything in my life don't do it just because like why what's why like unless you're like really like you know ripping in and tearing people apart and being an asshole there's no need to apologize like you're not hurting anybody. I'm not hurting anybody by wearing,

you know, my big old wig or whatever. My sequins, you know, is that a wig? Oh, now you know my secret. I ain't got no hair.

No. You want to see my hair? I have literally no hair. Oh my God. Is this the look? Amber rose could never she could never you on that ball-headed whole shit and i'm here for it it got stuck in the sequence my little band i mean if we both take it off our wig should i take my wig off no i'm putting mine back on. She's a little wonky.

Okay, you can take yours off if you want. I mean, I wasn't wearing, no, I was wearing one earlier. I was wearing a little short, a little cutie. But you can take it off. You want to keep it on? You saw me on season 12. I love a wonky wig. Don't test me, honey. Don't test me with a wonky wig how has dating changed from before drag race to after drag race because like you were truly

just put in the spotlight oh child well before i was just some random person i never had to like a care in the world. I didn't really date too much before Drag Race. I did have a couple of relationships prior to Drag Race. And two of them were with people who are now straight, whatever. And then one of them is who is now someone who is my best friend. But dating now is definitely a lot different because everyone knows who I am. Nine times out of ten, if people message me or talk to me or even flirt with me, they knew who I am and what I do. So it's definitely like I have almost like they have like already like a complete like perceived image of what I am to them.

to them and I for me the hard part is knowing whether or not they are interested in me or if they are interested in what they perceive Heidi to be if that makes any sense dear lord yes yes it does make sense because like even if you weren't a famous person who's been on television when you match with someone and you text for a little bit, you have preconceived notions. So when they are texting and talking to you, they're getting a preconceived notion from the texting, but then they already have something made up about you. And then you're like, okay, that thing you've made up about me, is it a genuine thing where you are interested in me? Or is it a thing where you're interested in the character that you've seen on television and you have no desire to get to know the real you? True, true.

But luckily for me, I'm pretty much the same person in drag as I am out of drag. Just a little prettier. Just a little prettier. Just a little prettier. Not a lot because Trevin is sexy. But yeah, so literally I'm pretty much the same person. It's me having to get past the thought of they are just after like, what do we, what is it called? A race chaser or a clown chaser.

Those, yes. That's my, my thing is having to be able to tell the difference between them. That's the, that's the most difficult part for me. I'm pretty lucky because I have a solid 15 straight men who listen to this. Everyone else is gay. I love it. Usually when I go on dates, it's a man who has just an idea. Who's like, oh, I've seen a video of yours.

Who's not super deep in my shit. I went on a date on tuesday yes okay so it's my first date in almost a year because i've just been trying to be responsible and then in like november i was like maybe i'm gonna get back out there and then i fell down my stairs dislocated my ankle couldn't walk from from November till about like a week and a half ago. So I was like, back out there. Let's fucking do this. So I meet him in a park.

I'm wearing my giant medical boot. I thought you were about to say parking lot. I was like, look. Well, we met in a park next to a parking lot. Hey. Yeah. And he was very nice. He had only seen like a couple lot. Hey. Yeah. And he was very nice. He had only seen like a couple of my videos.

But, but I was wearing a wig and he was telling me a very traumatic story about how his father was found dead in his apartment on Christmas Eve. And as he's telling me this traumatic story, my wig was just sliding back. And I was like, just casually trying to push it forward. And then finally, like he like punctuates the story with like, and that's when they found my dead father.

I was like, my wig, my wig is falling off. He was like, I think it's okay. And I was like, no, it's not.

And I looked at my phone. It was, it was pretty far back, but I think he just thought like my hair was like a part of the wig. Cause you know, he was of the light of persuasion. And I was like, I was like,

I cannot believe this man is sharing his tragedy as my wig is falling off. And my brain was like trying to process that this man was telling me all this on a first date. And I was about to be bald headed because I was like, from his perspective, he was like, I was sharing my truth with her. And then the wind took her hair. Like, that's some deep stuff to share on a first date. Mind you, that is a lot dear lord and

then y'all are both very vulnerable both of y'all was very vulnerable wow i see i'm no stranger to being bald-headed you saw season 12 so i understand feeling vulnerable girl but oh my god for him to be sharing that on a first date that is a lot yeah yeah he was very sweet that was just for me i was like i love to share trauma after we've fucked and we're like laying in bed teeing being like what's your like biggest fear you know like that's where you start like it's a lot like y'all just got done for a couple hours or so, and you're just sitting there with a cigarette. Now, let me tell you a story. Once, there was a man in Nantucket.

Uh-huh. Yep. Honestly, that is a tragic story. I don't know if anyone listening knows the end of the man from Nantucket. It's tragic. Is it really? No, I'm kidding. I have no idea what the end of the story is. I you were serious i just know it's once there was a man from nantucket and then i don't know a single thing else at all that's i don't

even know where nantucket is i believe nantucket i know there's a lot of nectars there i think it's in upstate new york we'll have to google it later i think because now now i have to know now i have to know where is it at because i love nectar wait matt where is it matt is uh oh massachusetts okay all right thank you matt so we're going to massachusetts to get this nectar we gonna get, juicy nectar. That was my name in prison. Juicy, juicy nectar. I mean, I wish someone would come get this juicy, juicy nectar.

Heidi, I am so corny. It be like that sometimes. You know, sometimes me and Susan get lonely. Who's Susan? Have you never named your body parts susan's your dick no penelope's my dick susan's the back susan is the back penelope is the front my nipples are the knights of the round table the the balls are tia and samara and and my tank is ryan this this is are

you making this up is this real no this is real this is so real if you ask my friends they'll tell you if you ask my friends they will tell you this is not made up this is so your taint how did ryan become your taint okay so once upon a time there was a man who um who he he had a very gentle tongue uh-huh and uh there's a certain i'm not gonna say where but there was a certain place on this thou is the body of that. He liked to tickle with that tongue. And just so happened, his name was Ryan. No correlation. No correlation.

It just, yeah, it was there once was a man from Nantucket whose dick was so long he could suck it. He said with a grin while wiping his chin, if my ear were a hole, I could fuck it. Oh, I did not know that was the rest of it. I didn't either.

Matt, who's working in the shadows, I don't know, the tech, he sent that. He said that's the Nantucket man story, which is wild. I thought children were reciting the man from Nantucket. I've been saying there once was a man from Nantucket when I was young. So yes, this is wild. Oh no. This needs to be known. This needs to be known.

It needs to be known. Heidi, what's your favorite position? My favorite position, it depends on if I'm the top or the bottom. Okay. Ooh, she's a verse. You know, I prefer being the dom top that i am but sometimes but sometimes susan gets really lonely and and would like some company um okay uh when i'm the top i do enjoy a good doggy style i love me too there's there's something about it i appreciate

i just like seeing the the curvatures of the back and things and being able to be able to grip at the sorry i'm going into details no this is honestly you're talking about doing what i enjoy the most i was like i love when people hold on to my curvatures yes it's so nice wait let's see if i can remember all your body parts the front is penelope the back is susan the taint is ryan the balls are tia and tamara your nipples are the knights of the round table ding ding ding we have a winner i can't believe you named them very well thank you thank you so much i that. I really liked the names. Penelope was named by friends, but all the other ones I named myself.

Maybe everybody should name their body parts if they don't feel comfortable with them. Because that's a way to really like take away a lot of like the scariness. Like vagina is such a heavy word. So it's like maybe we call her tiffany or carlita not karen lord have mercy oh no i mean honestly my pussy is karen right now she would like to speak to the manager as to why she's not getting pounded okay so i think right now my pussy's karen she would like a quarter pounded with cheap oh god i would love that yes oh my god so what's a good way to like do you like to be hit on or do you hit on people i i am a very big flirt

i have a very flirtatious personality my problem is i can't tell when someone else is flirting with me so i literally i flirt all the time but i am oblivious to other people flirting so to all you lovely lovely gentlemen out there that are out there and you're flirting with me and you're wondering why i'm not picking up on hints now you know i am oblivious to flirting but i flirt all the time so what you really have to do is hit me over the head and say, Hey, ho, I'm flirting with you. I'm like,

okay. Yeah. Then we honestly like that sounds aggressive, but I would like it. If somebody said that there's like, Hey dummy, I'm flirting with you. I'm like,

Oh, I would appreciate it. Honestly, that's the kind of straightforwardness I appreciate. You know, I love a good straightforwardness when it comes to these things. because I just like to be clear and concise on those things. Those things are very important to be like in the know about. Like, yes, this is what's going on.

This is what we're doing. Yes. That's very much so too. Yes. Very that. I feel that real quick. OK, we'll be back with more Heidi and Closet right after this break. that real quick okay we'll be back with more Heidi and Closet right after this break so Valentine's Day it's around the corner it's happening it's who says

what is like what's your best Valentine's Day that you've had pass okay fair I've never had a good Valentine's Day I've never been with anybody i've never had a good valentine's day i've never been with anybody i've never had somebody buy me chocolates or flowers or be like babe here's a dress for you to wear we're going out like that idea is so foreign to me that somebody would buy you a dress lay it out and take you to dinner that's wild that's truly wild honestly my it's so crazy but um for me if i'm gonna be honest the honestly it's something very simple it was i was with a partner and um we ended up we didn't really do anything special but he uh brought me this little little monkey

and a little stuffed animal monkey and gave it to me. And we just had a really nice night at home. Just chilled, cooked dinner and relaxed. Did some extracurricular activities and what not. And just had a good night. That's probably the most I've ever, like, yeah. I mean, it's nothing like crazy spectacular, but it's still meaningful because it was nice. No, that's nice. I, yeah, that's like truly what I long for.

Like when I say i want a relationship people are like yeah the companionship i'm like yeah but also like just doing stupid little things together like watching a movie or like making dinner together honestly i am dying to get into an argument at the supermarket with my significant other because that's one of my favorite things to watch i'm like y'all couldn't wait till you got back in the car? You couldn't wait till you got home? I've been there. Oh my God.

I've been that couple. I've really been that couple. The thing is, I hated shopping. I really can hate shopping at times if I don't want to go that bad. And when I was there, I was being really childish. It wasn't that long ago, but I was being really childish and I was that little I was being really childish you know it

wasn't that long ago but I was being really childish and I was pushing the buggy jumping on the back of the buggy and riding along and he's like can you stop acting like a child and I was like excuse me a child this is what we're doing and then we got into it for a little bit but we let it go eventually but yeah um I've been that couple I've that's all I want. I want some man to say to me, stop being a child. I'd be like, a child, a child. Oh, you'll see me act like a child.

And then you amp it up 10 more times. Just because. Yes. And then later we're like making dinner. It's silent. And he's like, sorry. And I'm like, I'm sorry. And then we fuck. And then we knock over the bowl of whatever we're like making dinner. It's silent. And he's like, sorry. And I'm like, I'm sorry. And then we fuck.

And then we knock over the bowl of whatever we're making. And then we just rub it all over our bodies. Is that sanitary? Probably not. But I mean, probably not. But like we're both, we're vaccinated. We mop a lot. Okay.

So I think it'd be okay is has food ever been involved in the bedroom situation nicole do people want to know um no not that i can think of oh just ice cubes i once blew a guy with ice cubes in my mouth oh that sounds good that sounds delish okay have you ever done frozen marbles underneath the sheets what no never mind it's still wait what they can hurt a little bit but it's like you get a cool sensation all over the body while laying on them oh um but i have i have um whipped cream husband in the bedroom okay some some chocolate sauce that wasn't just me it wasn't i wasn't the only chocolate sauce and um it's it wasn't food but i have played naked twister before oh see yeah i've never been like i've never dated anybody long enough

to where we had to get like creative so i did it one guy long enough and the most creative we got was we got me a collar so he could choke me and we got him anal beads and then we had i think handcuffs oh and then like i think there was also rope we were like we would explore but like we weren't in a relationship which is like kind of wild to like

just have a hook up that you're like we're gonna do all this like fun stuff oh my god I was okay with all those things except for rope for rope

I have to it has to be someone I trust very much oh yeah rope is a very trusting tool in the bedroom so all you out there, make sure that you,

if you're going to play with rope, make sure you know the person and then you're very safe. Very, very safe. And then why is my Siri trying to activate while I'm talking? Siri, excuse you. Shut up,

Siri. Sarah, stop. Yeah. I mean, honestly, any of those things you have to like trust the person because like just like choking some to some people is like simple to me i'm like yeah i can tell you how to do it but like for people who don't know like you have to be careful oh oh well you know

i hear that there is like something towards that area in your body that helps you breathe so possibly it would be something very careful you have to be with i'm not a i'm not an expert on the body i don't know if something that right there helps you breathe or not but i would assume so so absolutely i i concur with that last uh per my last email. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. I concur with my last statement from the email. Heidi, let's answer some questions. Let's do it. I know I usually wait a little bit longer,

but I want to see what people have to say. Matt, are you ready to do that? Or should we do it later while we wait let me let me tell you a story nicole oh please okay so the marbles okay i love that we're stuck on these marbles the marbles they were little itty bitty marbles they were the flat marbles though you have to make sure you get the flat you know how do you know that game where you like there are a bunch of marbles and a bunch of holes in the in the wooden board and you scoop up the marbles and drop them in the next... It's called Manicada?

Something like Maniconda, yeah. Yeah. And then it's those. Those are the marbles you want to want. And you put them in the freezer for a while. Let them get really, really cold. And right before everything happens, put them under the first layer of sheets or whatever. And then just lay on top.

It needs to be a nice thin sheet or something that lets the coolness come up and through it so you can really feel you can really feel the tingling and like the little cool sensation of it uh-huh very that and it just it because you know when when when you fucking it's like when you're getting it in when it little warm. When you getting it in. When it gets warm, it gets hot, it gets steamy. It gets steamy. But yeah, it helps cool off and it just, I don't know, it just does something. It's been a while since I've done it, but it does something to you.

You should give it a try. Maybe, yes. I think I'm going to try it. Honestly, I'm literally going to try everything that people have ever done. As soon as COVID's over, I'm going to be a fucking whore. I keep saying this and I mean it. I'm going to be a whore. I'm going to fuck everybody I can find.

It's going to be incredible. And I cannot wait. I'm excited for you. Wait, you said try everything. Are you in the groups groups would you ever do groups I think I could do groups I could do I mean I've done a threesome I think I've done two

I've done two threesomes I could do I could do like a foursome a fivesome I think I could go to an orgy I think I want to go to a bathhouse let me go to a bathhouse let me go to a bath house let me get it done yeah get get it in you mean get it in get it in girl oh get miss miss girl wait have you do you have you fucked in a group no i haven't oh i i i typically don't

have sex outside of a relationship. Okay. So there's that. But I'm not going to say I wouldn't be open to it. I don't think. Yeah, the opportunity has arisen and I've never said yes. But I wouldn't say no. I think I'd really have to be in the mood to do it. But yeah, I've never done it um so yeah honestly i think when i do do it i might wear a mask for a little anonymity not like a full face

mask truly just like a surgical mask if you will and you know because it's like oh we just came out of covid she's taking extra precautions and then i'll like pick and choose who i take it off for and then nobody will know until I talk about it on my podcast. It's true. Very that. I love it. I honestly don't think I could, you know, for me, I don't think if I was to do group, I don't know if I could be a bot, be the bottom.

I just, I can't just be having a whole bunch of people plugging up my hole. So yeah, maybe at the top, but I don't think i could do it as a bottom so yeah i absolutely could i um i don't know if i've mentioned this on previous episodes but i figured out i've been i had spent most of the pandemic googling lady glory holes and i discovered that in germany they have glory holes for women where uh the wall is like on your waist you're laying down your like legs are tied up like that and then people can come and service you like that and i was like i cannot think of something i love more i don't have to do any work and i just get fucking pounded out so if i were to do and they won't even know it was you they don't have to do any work and i just get fucking pounded out so if i were to do and they won't even know it was you they don't know the only thing i i would be so sad if like i heard other people

having sex and nobody picked my pussy i would that would be depressing right that would be depressing not even gonna lie i too would feel sad about that. I would feel bad for you. I too would be sad. Right? I would just be so, so depressed. What's your like, oh wait, when did you start dating? Like when, when did you have your first relationship? How old were you?

My first relationship? I think I was 18, 17. No, 18. It was, it was, it was between 17 to 19 it was one of those three yeah i was very young very eager beaver i'm i'm just out of high school i'm ready to roll very that it was oh goodness me but um mistakes were made clearly sure but um we live on we learn we grow and uh choose and choose not to date straight men anymore yeah i mean i wish i could choose not to date straight men anymore but uh i guess i could date like like a person who identifies as pan or bi or whatever i just they don't appear in the apps. Like they're not, they don't come to me.

It be like that. And it's so sad. It's so sad. It is. Because you deserve to get pounded, Nicole. Let me tell you. Heidi, thank you. Nicole, I would pound you.

Thank you. Well, I usually ask my guests if they would date me, and you answered it early. You're welcome. Well, thank you. Honestly, it is so nice when someone says they would pound me out. It truly brings joy to my life. It's really a treat.

I love it. Absolutely. You know, and it's just the honest truth, girl. You have a beautiful spirit beautiful body beautiful face beautiful wig when it's not sliding back you know so oh my god

oh my god what's your type what do you usually go for so you used to go for the straight boys what do you usually go for so you used to go for the straight boys what do you go for now honestly um i don't think i specifically have a type um i it's it's i've always been captivated by personalities okay either that or someone who's an asshole to me apparently i really like an asshole to me so well I sure do like an asshole but like they are an asshole to me yeah yeah I love somebody who does not want to give me the time of day like that oh that makes me so horny it's like oh you don't want to text me back? What if I text you one more time?

And then you decide to maybe text, yeah, yeah, one more time and you'll text me? See, for me, it's like everyone that knows me is so nice to me and they love me and they're so sweet to me. Like, oh, Heidi, I love you so much. I love you, I love you, I love you. And then I get that one ask, I was like,

you know, I'm like, oh, yes, I'm not. Tell me again. Tell me how much I'm not that. Tell me that I'm no one. Tell me I'm a nobody. This wig is not styled, is it? It was until I shook it loose when I was dancing in my living room for no reason. Just doing nothing.

I mean, listen, we're doing a lot of things for no reason. I dance so much more now. I'm finding joy in very, very small things like taking a walk outside and going, oh, it's kind of sunny. Like, I don't know. You know, it's just, I don't know. I'm ready for this to be fucking done. I literally did that today. I'm like, oh, it's so nice out.

And I just stared up at the sky for like five minutes. Wow, it's a nice sky. Wow. That's lovely. Which I'm happy that I can enjoy such little things, but damn, I didn't realize how little I did that before all this, though. My therapist seems to think that after we come out of this, I'm going to like long for some of the time spent during this pandemic. No. And I was like, I honestly don't think so.

I think you're wrong. I don't think I'm ever going to look back on this time and be like, oh boy, I wish I could stay inside for 36 days uninterrupted in a row. Like, no. She was like, well, think about like old like World War, like they keep making World War II movies and whatnot. And I was like, yeah. And do you think the people who served in World War II are like, I gotta get to see another talent of this horrific thing

I went through? I don't think so. Absolutely not. No, not at all. Negative. Whoever that was is fired because they're fired. Cancel.

So what, what, okay. So like say tomorrow the pandemic is done and we are allowed out. We could be in groups, whatever, whatever. What's the first thing you're doing? Mama,

I'm going straight to the bank, getting a whole lot of monies out. Some ones, a bunch of ones. And I'm hitting the strip club. I'm making rain on some bitches. I am going, I am going to the strip club. I'm making rain on some bitches. I am going. I am going to the strip club

and make it rain all night. I don't give a fuck. I am going to the strip club with friends and everyone. We're going to make it rain. I know these girls and gentlemen are going to be out wanting to make this money, and I'm about to give it to them. Heidi, I fucking love

that answer because that's what I want to do let's go together i want to have a nice dinner and go to the fucking strip club and drop like a like enough money that those girls don't have to work tomorrow like that's like you know just like take care of them i've been going to virtual strip shows yes is that a thing i didn't know that was a thing. Yes. So yeah, like if you go to your favorite strip clubs Instagram, you can find some of the girls who work at the club.

They more than likely do a virtual show because that's how they've been making money during the pandemic. And then like on Friday nights, I go to this one called Cool Cats Online

that Teddy B. Ruxpin, who was my guest on today's episode of Why Won't you date me she co-hosts it and you watch the girls on a zoom and you get like a private zoom link and then you tip them on venmo and it's not as like gratifying as like i love just like throwing a dollar at someone doing an amazing trick it's not as gratifying but like it's fun it's so much fun i might have to try that then i highly recommend it okay we're gonna take a break

refining your closet answering some listener questions okay paul and hayley ask what is your perfect valentine's day date food um what i don't really like eat anything special on valentine's day but like if i were in a relationship lasagna oh lasagna okay that's now that's an answer now that's an answer right there get very very full have a nice time out go home fall asleep wake up an hour or two later then be like all right now we can fuck and that's that's what like i i want somebody who's like i can't fuck you i'm too full and me to be like yeah baby i understand let's nap it out yes you know that's that's goals right there that's what's your answer dick i don't eat on valentine's day

that dick no i'm joking um oh my goodness. You know, I appreciate a good salad. Okay. I'm joking. I'm joking. I wanted to see you. A sensible Caesar salad. A sensible Caesar salad. No, I just want to see your reaction.

You know, I want something like, I want like a steak or something, you know. Oh, yes. Like a nice, not just like a little piece of steak i want one of them good old expensive i want i want the steak to be bigger than my face type of house yes a porterhouse for two for one yes steak with sauce all over it because that's how we're gonna end up tonight yes i want my food to remind me what we're gonna look like tonight a bunch of meat with sauce all over it oh my god that is literally what it's gonna be you're like killing me i'm so horny all i want to do like i usually do not let people come on my face i would let anybody come on my face any fucking body okay let's do another question

claire says you told your best valentine's date but what is your worst i don't have a worst uh my worst was um this person they who i do not talk about, but they pretty much forgot about Violence Times Day. Oh, no. It was actually the day that they decided. So a little back story is that they went behind and a couple weeks prior to, they maybe befriended this girl because apparently, this is like my very first relationship. Okay. I befriended this girl because she said that she was very lonely and needed friends. So I was like, okay, cool, we'll be friends.

So on Valentine's Day, instead of coming, spending Valentine's Day with me, instead went to her place and they fucked. So that was a pretty traumatic Valentine's Day. So, yeah. That's terrible. Fucked up. Well, yeah. That's terrible. Fucked up. Well, fuck them. Fuck them. Them motherfuckers,

they don't deserve nothing. Not shit. Fuck them. Okay, another question. Delphine? Delphine said, if you could fuck literally anyone right now, or anyone right after that little pandemic finally says goodbye,

who would you choose? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Anyone. Just anyone. Truly anyone. But there is, oh, God, there's this porn star who's, I think his name is Rahim.

I can't remember, but he's got the biggest fucking dick I have ever seen. I could probably find him rather quick. I'm like always favoriting his videos on Twitter because I'm just always like, it's so big. It's so juicy. Oh, my God. It's going in and out and in and out. Plot twist. Plot twist. It's me in and out and in and out. Plot twist. Plot twist.

It's me in disguise. Is he in disguise? Maybe. No. What? No, plot twist. It's me in disguise. Oh.

I'm joking. I'm joking. I'm joking. I'm joking. Honestly, yeah, why not? If it was you in disguise, I'd be like, all right, let's do it. But his dick is so huge. He's also gay, but maybe.

So I have a chance. So yeah, you have a chance. He would really rip you apart. Send me his links, darling. Send me the links, baby. Let's see if I could. No, it might take too much time for me to find him. Okay.

Imagine I'm like, we're going to take time out of this show so I can Google porn. I love it. This is the content we signed up for i mean okay i mean can i show a dick on stream yard is that the name of this yes it is while you look for it do you want me to tell my mine i guess oh i can show dicks yes whip it out okay so yeah you tell yours okay so my i probably mine's probably really basic uh someone that i've had a crush on since i was a little boy watching wrestling with my grandma but um the rock delane the rock johnson oh yeah he's very very attractive then and now he could get it he could get this whole susan and and susan don't say that to just anybody because susan's very picky susan is very picky but yes yes yes

yes yes yes susan sounds like she would be picky wait a minute i guess i haven't favorited any of his tweets in a while oh my god no what are you doing what am i doing this is devastating i really thought it was gonna be like very easy to find um i what's going on with you nicole i don't know i guess i'm not looking up as much porn as i used to on twitter but do you remember when the porn was on the tumblr i used to love tumblr porn because it was like tasteful porn it was like nice porn it was produced porn yes and it was thoughtful porn yes very much so i that and that's the whole reason why i had tumblr to be fair and now i don't have it because it's not on there no more. I was like, oh, they purged it. Oh, I got to go.

Goodbye. So long. Farewell. Auf Wiedersehen. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye.

I mean, Twitter has really forsaken me i can't believe it usually he's like the first thing i see and i'm like oh yikes gotta close my phone oh that's usually how it goes when you when you're not looking for it that's when you find it that's what people say to me about relationships when you're not looking for it you you'll find it. And I'm like, bitch, I'm always fucking looking for it. Really? Just always looking for it? This is depressing that I can't find this.

Okay, I'm going to try one more. One more. Maybe I DM'd my friend. I'm always DMing my friend Mano pictures of dicks. I love that. I guess I haven't done it in a while. This is truly insane i wonder

if he deleted his answer his twitter no i hope not that's awful all right let's do another question wow while you still look for this dick abby says what advice do you have for a virtual speed that i'm doing tomorrow last time i did, a guy said I cracked him up. I should do stand-up, but he did not match me. Well, welcome to my fucking world. Men do not want a funny woman. Nope, apparently not. Apparently not.

Jeez Louise. But here's the thing. I'm not going to say don't make yourself as funny i say you make yourself as funny as you are you be yourself and if you're meant to match with someone you're meant to match with somebody you can't force these men to to like love your shine when they apparently you know are intimidated by it because that's what it is. It's just intimidation. That's it. And, you know, that is so true. Like, it's so sad.

Because, honestly, you should not have to change how funny you are to impress someone or to match with someone. That's tomfoolery. I personally, I would love for someone that can make me laugh. I don't know. I don't know. Something's wrong with them. I don't know. Just keep't know. Something's wrong with them. I don't know.

Just keep it moving and have good luck. Just bring on that 100% beautiful smile, that gorgeous personality. Make them laugh. And you know what? The right one will come. And that's 100%. The right one will come to you. And on that note, I found him.

Hey! God. right one will come to you and on that note i found him it's so big you can see the guy's back tightening up just from the sheer size of it and he's not even all the way in he's not even all the way in. The back is tightening up. I live. Look at it! I'm glad I searched for it. I'm glad I fucking found it. I'm gonna have to get a new mic too much sucking on the mic it like just stops working it's like Heidi I can't do this anymore

I never signed up for this let's do another question okay Emilia asks what do you do with your wigs when you're fucking? Hashtag danger. Yes. That. They don't stay on.

Uh-uh. They got to go. No, ma'am. That is one option. Another one. Oh, tell us. Tell us. You better pin that bitch down and tell him not to pull your hair

do not this is not real this is not growing out my scalp do not tug on her thank you thank you so much she was expensive do not run your little fingies through it please please if carly don't do it yeah i've i've actually had my wig fall off during a sexual escapade and again it was a white friend so he was startled shook i believe you i truly believe you because you know i believe that your wig would probably fall off during sex if it was already falling off when you were just sitting at a park i mean if you can't keep your wig on in a park, how's it going to stay on during sex? Come on, Nicole. We all knew the answer to that.

We all knew. Come on now, girl. You didn't have to tell us that. We just assumed. Yeah, truly. You could just assume and be like, yeah, that bitch's wig is falling off during sex. Her wig got fucked right off of her. Look how ratted my chair is as I go grab this wig that I just threw.

Girl, you you gotta get another chair girl girl let me tell you it's gonna through it but you know what i have a wide back or is or the masseuse i just went to see not too long ago said i got a strong back i'm like what you trying to say a strong back excuse me um i didn't pay you for your uh info or flirting i don't maybe he was flirting i don't know you know i or flirting. Maybe he was flirting. I don't know. You know, I can't tell if he was flirting. Yeah, you need to be told.

Maybe he was trying to get a piece of Susan. I don't know. But apparently I have a strong back. It is so wild what people say about other people's bodies. Like growing up, they were like, you're just big boned. And then when I thought about it, I was like, so when I die, my bones in the grave are just going to be bigger. Just bigger than everybody. That was honestly very sensual.

It was a moment. That was just a moment, you putting your wig back on. And only the people watching the live will ever get to see it. Yeah. You want me to get sensual? You like that, big boy? Like I put my wig on, big boy? Oh.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Imagine that's what I sounded like during sex. I was just like, yeah.

Yeah. Okay, let's have another question uh walter asks nicole what was it like being on wheel of fortune you did great harder than it looks is it harder than it yeah i was also i think two weeks out of my surgery because i when i fell down the stairs, I had pins put in. So I was like, I like dragged myself up my stairs, like hands and knees to get my outfit because I was like, I can't have my roommate pick out my clothes. So I dragged myself up, put on makeup, dragged myself down the stairs, dragged myself down the stairs outside. Oh, my God. And I had taken like painkillers maybe like two hours before i got there so i was like rather loopy and i think i

think i was okay on it i don't know okay another question another question karen asks what fun sex things should i try on V-Day with my quarantine fuck buddy one how dare you come up into my house bragging about your quarantine fuck buddy just kidding Karen congratulations that's a real nice treat for you

must be nice must be what fun things chocolate you could wear a costume. You want chocolate. Okay. Bring the chocolate.

The chocolate. The sensual. The sensual. The sensual dribblings of chocolate. The sensual dribblings. Okay. That's okay. That's one.

That's fun. You could dress up if you have like a Santa Claus costume. You could come down the chimney and fuck this quarantine fuck. I love the Santa is making an appearance on Valentine's Day. Please do that. Honestly, I can't wait to have a significant other during the holidays. Because I will not warn them, but I will come to bed in a full Santa costume being like, ho, ho, ho, suck my dick out.

Ho, ho, ho, I'm gonna fuck you. Yes, please. Give it to us. Give it to us. And please record it and send it to us so we can, not the actual sex, but like that, the intro to it. Yes, of course.

Please, we need this in our lives, please. It's just just it has to happen at this point memories okay another question let's do like three more questions okay avery and robert ask favorite place you've been to give us some inspiration for when we can travel again bonus if you had a good fuck there heidi what's your where's your favorite place you've seen? I haven't really traveled too much, actually. My first time ever on a plane was when I went and filmed Drag Race.

What? Really? Yeah, I had never been on a plane before. And when I went to film Drag Race two years ago, about two years ago now, I got on a plane for the very first time, so I've never really traveled too much. I've gone to New York. new york i've been to la before florida a little bit here and there now i can't tell you where i've been because i haven't really been too many places but where i want to go and where i think you should probably go is bora bora i feel like that that's like my

dream vacation place i want to take like a month off and just go there and just and chill and live my best fantasy really so go there and and have a good fuck for me if you beat me to it matt says nantucket i say um i say hawaii i fucking love hawaii i went to kawaii which is is an island on Hawaii. And apparently people don't really bring their kids there. So like there was no kids. It was very fun. I really loved it. It was so fucking beautiful.

Hawaii is stunning. I didn't get to fuck there. But like just imagine like fucking one of those beautiful hotels. Oh my God. It sounds amazing. Truly, honestly. Like, girl. It's stunning.

I love it. That's right. Pull it down. Pull it down. Pull it down, Nicole. Okay. Another question. That's why I got all this extra forehead so you can't tell when I need to pull it down.

You're just like, it's more forehead. Special K asks, my boyfriend and I just broke up for the second time. This time it was his decision, but we're hanging out as friends. A little platonic snuggling, that is. How do I get him to want me back? Well, Special K,

I don't know. If you're breaking up for like the first time, the second time, and you're like alternating who's breaking up with who. Maybe it's time to move on. And I know it's hard during a pandemic to do the moving on. But if y'all keep breaking up, maybe talk about why you're breaking up and get to the root of the problem. That's that's that's actually some real that's that's real right there. That is so real.

I definitely have to agree with that. I've been in a relationship where I had uh we had came to a mutual breaking up and then we got back together but we like in between that time we still like hung out and was friends and did whatever so if you're definitely get all that out in the open like really like come to come to understanding and kind of turns why is it that y'all are breaking up because clearly there is something there and some reason that is driving y'all apart but also there's clearly something they are holding all together whether it's just a good friendship or there's actually real raw uh romantical connection there you have to find out

or you're just going to keep being in this infinite loop of and it's and then no one's going to be happy because then we all know how we all get depressed during a breakup you don't want to have to keep living that every couple of months or so and then like get back together and then a couple months later back at the depression shit again no you talk it out special k really figure out what's going on why so i'm assuming from when you said this time it was their decision the first time it was your decision so maybe you should be like okay why did i break up and then find out why they broke up and then maybe i can really weave together a wonderful tapestry that will keep y'all together or maybe just become just good friends that fuck yeah but i don't i think that might be hard because you want him to want you back I think it's like

you sit down and have a very serious conversation to be like adult we broke up because of this way we broke up because of you and this let's try for a third time and if we can't you know see at the same place maybe we end this third time so I the third time might be a charm but third time might be bye-bye or strike you know let me know wait i like these questions i said we were gonna do three more and i think we did the three but i want to do one more please lester asks nicole along the lines of virtual strip clubs can you please tell us other sexy things that we can do during the pandemic oh boy i'm all ears yeah i mean i'm trying to think virtual strip shows are the one thing i've been doing i know denver i know portland and i believe austin have drive through strip clubs so if you're in one of those places,

you can actually, like fucking McDonald's, drive up and hand a dollar and have a nice safe time. I think, I won't say like video, like sexy video chats because like, you know, Zoom privacy things, they kind of own everything. You don't know what they're recording and whatnot so um same with like iphones but like all your information's already in your iphone i think that's a little safer than a zoom um i'm trying to think like sexy things to do go to my instagram

and there you go and look up my new really sexy, sexy music video that's going to be coming out this third Tuesday coming up. Oh, okay. Well, there you go. That's pretty sexy, so do that. Okay, I said one more, and then we did one more. I want to do one, one more. One more, one more, one more. May asks, what sex toys do you two suggest?

Oh, in beef, hey? Okay. I love, there's a company called Tracy's Dog, and there's a sucking part that sucks on your clit, and then a part that goes right in your pussy. And I have one friend who I bought it for who said it was too intense i also use a theragun which is very intense but i love it i love my theragun on my pussy i also thank you i also use a g-spot vibrator so it's like long and it's got like a little bulb at the end um and then i

also have this other g-spot one that also it like vibrates at like the G-spot tip. And that's really great. That's also a Tracy's dog exclusive. And then I have one that sucks your pussy. And then there's a tongue that like does that. But you have to put a lot of lube on it for it to like really feel like a tongue. I'll tell you something. I've spent a long time alone and i said i'll spend any sort of money to feel anything

heidi do you have a favorite toy? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Okay. I can breathe. I'm all right. Jesus. Oh, God.

Okay. Okay. Okay. What's your favorite toy? My favorite toy oh my favorite toy i have only one because i just i just i'm i'm sorry i'm not as uh i i don't i don't have the wide variety selection as um some people in this uh live uh i'm not gonna say no names but um i honestly i don't know the name of it, like the actual physical name of it. But his name's Tyler.

Okay. I name everything. I love that everything has a name. It makes it like more fun. Tyler is a lovely vibrator. And when I'm feeling my fantasy, you know, just it's got 11 different kind of vibrating settings okay it just it makes me feel my fantasy and and then sometimes you like it a little more intense than other times sometimes you're like oh not right now so yeah um so tyler is my favorite one okay uh also i have to

give a little context for theragun. You be careful. Careful. Be careful. Be a little careful with Theragun. Theragun is very intense. I would not put it on your naked pussy or hole. Just like at first, I would work up to it.

And after you've like explored a lot of other toys, you can work up to the Theragun. She's worked up to it. I can've like explored a lot of other uh toys you can work up to the theragun she's worked up to it she i can slam it right in me it's great i love her truly it's a jackhammer and dear god not not my susan susan can't do it you know. Susan can't. No, my Karen's very angry. She feels oppressed all the time, so she likes really getting it hard. Susan is a delicate flower. She could never. She could never.

Dear Lord. Okay, well, Heidi, we've come to the end. I want to thank you so much for doing this. This was fucking delightful. You are truly a ray of sunshine. I think you are so wonderful and funny and so talented. And I can't wait to see what you get to do after the pandemic. Keep your eyes open, darling.

Okay, I will. Well, if you like this episode of Why Won't You Date Me, you can subscribe, you can rate it if you send me something nasty hitting on me i will read it oh shit where did it go i lost it okay hold on did you lose the dick oh my god well my phone opened right up to that huge dick okay so this nice person said firstly we'll start in the shower gotta get our pussies nice and clean before we begin. I'll scrub your luscious ass with my bare hands. Yes, I'm white.

And then what a way to say that. Then I'll work my way down to your punani. But I'll be careful not to get any soap in there, which is very kind because you can get a little yeasty. And then we'll take our wet bodies to bed where my boyfriend is waiting oh he'll rip them legs apart and start munching away while i ride your face like i'm the grand prize horse in the kentucky derby once you come orally he'll then pound you with his nice average sized cock when i love you know just like telling me the truth he's so truthful when and only when you got your dick quota you'll scream the safe word pineapple for him to stop from there we'll smoke some weed and eat some dominoes until we're ready to fuck again

that's nice that's a nice fantasy i like it i appreciate this this is if there's anyone listening and would like to do the same with me you know you know where to find me hiding closet look me up i love as long as pineapple don't go on the domino's pizza afterwards we're fine ding ding ding. Absolutely. All right. Bye-bye. That's it for Why Won't You Date Me? With me, Nicole Byer. Why Won't You Date Me? is produced and engineered by, oh, the sweetest woman I know, Marissa Melnick. It is executive produced by other wonderful people, Adam Sachs, Joanna Solotaroff, and

Jeff Ross. Thanks for listening. I love you. Thank you so much. We'll be seeing you next Friday with a brand new episode. What a dream. What a dream. Ha ha ha.

This has been a Team Coco production.