Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Nick Kroll Byer (w/ Nick Kroll)

Episode Date: November 22, 2024

Comedian Nick Kroll (Big Mouth, Oh, Hello) joins Nicole for an episode of just... absolute chaos. They discuss how Nick asked his girlfriend to go steady, why playing a woman was his most challenging acting role, and using John Mulaney's hypnotist to quit smoking. Plus, Nicole shares the story of the time she hooked up with an audience member.WATCH this episode on YouTube at youtu.be/PawfFj2-e7w.See Red One, in theatres today!Write to Nicole! Send your dirty messages to [e-mail] with the subject line "Dirty Message," and Nicole may read it in a future episode.Sponsors:Uncommon Goods: To get 15% off your next gift, go to uncommongoods.com/dateme.Betterhelp: This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at betterhelp.com/DATEME and get on your way to being your best self.Follow Nicole Byer: Website: nicolebyerwastaken.comInstagram: @nicolebyerX: @nicolebyerNicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746This is a Headgum podcast. Follow Headgum on Twitter, Instagram, and Tiktok. Advertise on Why Won't You Date Me? via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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On camera, Nicole. On camera, Nick Kroll-Byer. On camera with Nick Kroll-Byer. Ha ha ha. Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why. Oh baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? a podcast where Meena Colbyer was trying to figure out why I was so single even though you could come on a table and say, that's a plate.

The table is the plate? No, the cum. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I'm saying the cum is the meal. And you're saying? Oh, I was saying that the cum was the plate that a meal would go on. Oh, okay. So you're like, it's like a, it's a sweet potato.

It's a roasted sweet potato with a harissa. And then also with a base of just- With a base of cum. Yeah. Mwah, my guest today is a very funny comedian and creator behind the Kroll Show. Oh, hello. And Big Mouth.

And you can catch him in the new holiday movie, Red One in theaters now. I'm so excited he's here. He a nice man. It's Nicole Byer. Hi. Nicole, I've been a fan of this show for a long time. So it's exciting to be here.

Thank you so much for being here. I was saying before we started, I really like your pants. Thank you. I mentioned before that a small Italian tailor makes them for me, but the first time I said it was a puppeteer. You did. You said it was Geppetto. It was Geppetto's pants. Wait, and I like these boots. Wait, you look like a fashion worker.

Well, yes, thank you, because I was a sex worker, and then I stopped doing that and became a fashion worker. A fashion worker. Now some would argue that fashion work is. Real work. Real work. It's hard looking this good. It is hard. Every single day. How do you do it?

How do you look so good every day? A lot of makeup. I put on just an incredible amount of makeup. All over the body or just on the face? Just on the face. But when I go out and wear a nice dress or whatever, I'm wearing makeup on my Decloteche. Sure, of course.

I think that's what this is called. Yeah, Decloteche. Necrol buyers. Decloteche. Decloteche. Decloteche. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Tash. And Mr. Tash.

Wait, Nick. Yeah. You're married. Yes. Yeah. That's nice. It is. How did you get a wife?

Well, it was interesting. I was like, I was coming in here being like, all right, what are we going to talk, like, what do I now talk about as like a married man? Yeah. I met my wife on a dating app. Which one? Do you know Grindr? I do know Grindr.

Tells you where they are by the foot. Yeah, exactly. And how many feet? Yes. But we met on a dating app and it was interesting. It's been like, it's like six years and that we started dating and it was- It's a nice long time. It is, yeah, it's been like, it's like six years that we started dating. And it was-

That's a nice long time. Yeah, it is. It's the longest relationship I've been in. Really? What's the longest relationship? Have you been in a long relationship? The longest thing I've been in was officially a year, but then we spent another year trying to work on things.

Sure, and that was fun. I bet that year was so fun. Nick, I was happy every day calling this person being like, do you want to work on things? And they were like, yes, I do. And I'd be like, well, how are we going to do it? And then nobody would work on it. It was so healthy and good and I loved it.

Yeah. I, um... Yeah, I, it's nice to not be dating. Dating is a special type of help. Yeah, now, I mean, so I met Lily on Raya, and that was like, and I'd been on it for a few years, and met all types of folks that, and like, and we started dating, and then I've only heard about,

like, all the stuff, you know, and we started dating and then I've only heard about like all the stuff, you know, and it feels like it's gotten worse. Yes, dating has gotten absolutely worse. Is it, how much of it is like, how much of it is in them thumbs? I think it's in them thumbs. I think you have too many options in them thumbs. Yeah.

And then you match with someone, I was talking to a friend yesterday who matched with somebody, they made plans and then that person just disappeared. Really? Yeah. And I was like, oh, they probably matched with somebody else and were more interested in meeting up with them. But then it's like, you're not gonna hurt my feelings.

We're strangers. Just say, hey, I'm gonna, I'm doing something else. I can't do these plans or whatever. I think everyone's just kind of rude and don't want to like hurt people's feelings and shit like that. Right, so but by not hurting feelings, you ghost, which is like...

I think so rude. You're not gonna hurt my feeling, truly just be like, I'm not feeling this, I don't want it. But six years is a nice solid time. Did your wife know who you were before? She did, she knew, she had watched The League and I was this character named Roxanne on The League and a real despicable, deplorable character,

a real fun one to inhabit, to live inside of, to really explore. She was good in the soul. Yeah, yeah, a truly contemptible human being. And so she knew me from that show and she liked that show, but she was like, oh man, like, I don't know if I can go out rucks and, like, truly hated my character. So she thought it would at the very least be a laugh.

And boy, early on in a relationship, boy, am I funny. And boy, over time, does that go away. It just dissipates. You're ha ha ha, and you're like, I'm sad sometimes. How does that make you feel? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so that's, so yeah, but we went out and hit it off very quickly.

How long was your first date? It was like long, it was like, yeah, like she went out with me early on like a Sunday, like was like, yeah, like she went out with me early on like a Sunday, like near her, like in her neighborhood. So like, let's have a drink at like five or six things. She'd have a drink with me and then like go back and like do her Sunday night work and stuff. But it went much longer than that.

And we had so much fun. It was just a great, it was just like a great, it was New York. It was also like dating in New York is... Wait, were you living in New York? I was living in LA. Oh, okay. And she was living in New York.

So that was also part of what I think was helpful early on in the relationship was being in two different cities. Like you could spend really good quality time with someone and then be away from them, especially early on where if you were in the same city and you had like a few fun, I had periods where I was like, if I was in the same city and like met someone

truly eligible, like as like a partner, you end up going in quick and hard and then it either works or oftentimes it just like, it's a little too much too quickly and so having someone in another city was nice because it enabled us to move a little slower up top, get to know each other through really cool, good hangs, but not be like, oh my God, am I seeing this person three times in one week? I think that's smart. Long distance to me seems hard, but early on seems good.

Because I'm the type of person that's like, oh my God, we had a great first date. So I have to see you immediately so we can have another good date. And then immediately, and then you're my boyfriend and then you love me and then we get married and I introduce you to all my friends. And it's like, whoa, bitch, this person's still a stranger.

So take your time, get to know them before you try to start a relationship with somebody. And that is something I simply did not understand until I got older. And I still have to tell myself, hey, slow down a little bit. Just slow, enjoy it. My therapist keeps saying, why don't you enjoy the now? And I'm like, because you stupid bitch, my brain is going and I'm thinking about the future and what happened yesterday and I can't enjoy the now. That's hard.

Well, and it must be weird that Dr. Phil is your therapist. He is my therapist. And so is that hard just like with schedules and stuff? It really is. And he's like, Nicole, I keep telling you to enjoy the now. Ha ha ha ha ha. Did you know he's not a licensed therapist? Of course not. He ha ha ha ha ha. Did you know he's not a licensed therapist? Of course not.

He had it revoked in like the 80s. Yeah. For being inappropriate with a patient. Oh no, Dr. Phil. I can't know. Wait, he has a mixed version of morality? Can you believe it? I just simply can't believe that.

Have you ever seen the Dr. Phil segment where he invited a man who started a website called Bum Fights? I know, but I'm familiar with Bum Fights. Well, he had the creator of Bum Fights on. He dressed up as Dr. Phil, and Dr. Phil's like, you are exploiting people at their lowest. And he's like, that's what you do. Oh, nice.

And then Dr. Phil kicked him off the show or whatever. And I was like, huh, that's really interesting that that happened. And then America was like, we don't believe Bum Fight, man. No. We still love Dr. Phil. Yeah.

I haven't watched much of the show, but he did just recently, I saw he was speaking, I think on behalf of Trump, about bullying. He's like, I know a little something about bullying. And you're like, from what? I'm the biggest bully of them all. Meanwhile, Adam Ray does this character and has a special on Netflix.

And I think he's gonna need a replacement pretty soon. And it's down to Nicole Byer. Nicole Byer, baby. But I... When did your wife move to LA? It was right before the pandemic. So we had... At first, you're right.

At first, it's very easy to have someone in another city because you get to take your time and get to know them. And then you come to a point where you're like, oh no, we're in a real relationship. It was probably by the fall, October, November, we went away somewhere and it was like, oh, do you wanna be my girlfriend and all that. Is that how you asked?

No, I was like, are we fucking dating or not? I can't take this. Throwing raw eggs at the wall. Yeah. I don't know if you're a wall or a person. Are you my girlfriend? What is it? Tell me.

What is it? What are we doing? What are we doing? Wait, but did you really say, can I be your boyfriend? Yeah, yeah. That's really sweet. Yeah, I think I had a dream about it.

And I was speaking to her and 70,000 people in Washington, DC in front of it. And I said, I have a dream that you and I should be boyfriend and girlfriend and 70,000 people go crazy. Woo, yes! Yeah, dude! We thought this was gonna go a different way

when we heard I had a dream! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! So, then we decided to be boyfriend and girlfriend and then we were sort of like long distance New York, LA and that was tough like that becomes then very hard to It's like I've chosen to be with this person and I can't physically be with this person

Yes, and and that got hard and then We sort of it was a very clear moment where like we decided to Just you know, like you got to walk towards love You gotta like you really have to just make that decision. You only wanna make that decision with someone who you wanna do it with. Like it sucks if you don't wanna do it with that person. So we, and from that point on,

we then were like, all right, let's do, try to do some version of like, we'll be half the year in LA and half the year in New York or something like that. So she came here at the top of 2020, like January 2020, and then like two months later, the pandemic hits. You're like, you gotta stay here. And then it was Mating in Captivity.

Even though I don't think that's what that book is about. I think it is. Is it? It is. Mating in Captivity is about shacking up together during a global pandemic. I'm going to talk to Esther Perel and see if she wants to redevelop her book as like a rom-com about... Just ha ha ha, we're inside.

But it was, but it really did that then in a kind of in a beautiful way on the personal front worked out that we were living together in LA and we really obviously I think the pandemic either like blossomed or killed relationships. And so we like, you know, got in it together and we're so grateful for each other and then decided to have a kid and then have gone eloped during our just when it was still like 2020 when it was crazy. Oh wait, you got married in 2020? Yeah, we got married. It was around this time four years ago, which was I was shooting Don't Worry Darling and

it was like nobody had been around anybody, and all of a sudden I'm in rooms with like, you know, 100 screaming extras, screaming for me, not for any of my cast. We love Nick Kroll! Fuck that direction person! They're like, please, can we please roll on one take? And you're like, please.

We love you too much! And I'm like, guys, guys, let's just do a take. You know? Harry and Florence are here too. You know what I mean? Show some respect. Chris Pine's on stage. Guys, I know, I know.

And they loved you. And so they just screamed COVID right into my mouth. COVID. But it was right around the election. Literally, I remember this period of time But it was right around the election. Literally, I remember this period of time. It was right around the, it was the day of and the day following the election. And COVID, there was no vaccine and there was no, it was super scary. Nobody had been around that many people, let alone in that environment.

And then I just remember it being such an incredibly intense time to then like go and get married and be in the middle of, you know, a very, it was a stressful outside world. And so the inside world was kind of really beautiful to have, you know, and you get through that and you're like, all right, let's do it. I know COVID was, it's bad, but a dream is finding someone that you want to be inside with. And be inside of. Yes, yes, definitely. Both ways. Inside of, inside with. Those are the only two insides I can think of. Inside out.

Do you ever, have you ever seen your partner fully, fleshfully exposed so that it's all like muscles and... Oh, absolutely. I cut him up every night. I say, let me see your muscles. Whoo! Look at that. Look at that. I'd like him to look like the bodies exhibit in Brooklyn. Oh, my God. Yes.

Remember? That was the thing. Oh, my God. Yes. Remember when that was a thing? That was my riot profile. I wanna be the bodies exhibit. Not I don't wanna go see the... No, I wanna be the bodies exhibit. I want you to slice my skin off and show my inside. I want you to wear my skin. Yeah, I wanna look like a visual in a science classroom.

-♪ PAULA LAUGHS. -♪ Come here and show my vascularity. Ooh, that's a good word. Vascularity. Is that right? I don't know. That was the name of my short-lived comedy club. Yes, Vascularity. Yeah.

It was all absolutely nude comedians. You know what? Somebody would love it. I hope so. Somebody would be like, mm. I can't believe nobody's done nude stand-up. Nude comedy. Yeah.

I feel like there was a show in Brooklyn that was like nude stand-ups. I would never. Yeah. I would never not go to that show. Front row. Front row. Front row baby!

I'm in the splash zone! Woo! Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. All right, Pete, what's his name? Squash your watermelon on me, Gallagher. Wait, can we talk about Don't Worry Darling for a hot second? That went to Cannes, right?

Or, yeah. Did you go to the premiere? It did not go to Cannes, it went to Venice. Oh, oops Yeah. Did you go to the premiere? It did not go to Cannes, it went to Venice. Oh, oopsies. Did you go to that one? Is that? I went to Cannes for a movie called Loving that I was in, and I went to Venice for Don't Worry, Darling.

And it's real cool. Yeah. Like, it's really, like, I will say, like, going to like, when you're like, oh my God, I'm in Europe at like a film festival. And it's like, it's really, like, I will say, like, going to, like, when you're like, oh my God, I'm in Europe at, like, a film festival. And it's like, it feels like when you were a kid, were you also quietly thought you were gonna be a star? No, I very loudly thought I was gonna be a star.

I was like, I'm gonna be an actor! Ah, I'm sunny! You did it. I did it. Yeah, and when, in your mind's eye, part of it for me was like, one day I'll get to be like in movies and I'll go to like film festivals in Europe and like be around.

In premieres and people will love you. But did you get to experience the like 13 minutes standing ovations that people get at the end of movies? Yes. That's wild, what's that like? Being a part of them, we had the one for Loving at Cannes and it was like, and it's so funny because they really locked in now,

it was like, it was a six minute ovation. I now have a clear idea in my head of how good something is by how many minutes the ovation was and how the response was. So we had Loving come out and it's a beautiful movie. Jeff Phillips made it and it's Joel Edgerton and Ruth Neggett and it's a beautiful movie. This guy, Jeff Phillips, made it, and it's Joel Edgerton and Ruth Neggett. And it's like, and it, and we got like a six,

seven minute standing ovation. I was like, this is it. Like, I guess, like, you know, I guess I'm like the biggest movie. I'm amazing. Everybody loves me. I'm in this movie for like seven minutes, but I feel like the seven minutes of applause...

Was solely for me. And not the beautiful interracial relationship defying odds. It's about me, Nicole! About the Jewish lawyer, Bernie Cohen. ["BURN IT COIN"] So... The Halcyon days. So, but it felt great.

And then I was at I saw other movies at the festival including The guy who directed Drive Nicholas Renf and I mean Raffin Yeah, Wendy Raffin, which if he if he watches us and he's a big fan of pod He loves yeah, he keeps saying I'm gonna put you in a movie one day Yeah, and he will be not at all peeve that we cannot remember or pronounce his name at all. So he comes in for this movie, I think he did, called Neon Demon. And it's L. Fanning, it's like very cool looking movie.

But he walks in and he makes everyone give him a standing ovation before the movie started. And it went on for quite some time. What a dream. What a dream. By the way, then you watched the film and you're like, smart to get the standing o before the movie.

Yeah. Is that what I was gonna come out for? I mean, it was cool. It's a wild movie, but like, and I was like, oh, it started to help me place me in the standing O, film festival. I would love to walk in and be like, get up and have people actually get up and clap at me for a while.

Like that's powerful. Totally, totally. I once opened for a standup who after their set was like, get up, get on your feet. And then he was like, clap. And then they clapped and then he took out his phone get up, get on your feet. And then he was like clap. And then they clapped and then he took out his phone and went another stand in ovation. I was like, you cheated, you can't do that.

Who, name names. We should do a podcast called Name Names. Name Names. Name Names. Tell stories, name names. Who is it? Who are we talking about? Who are we talking about?

Is it, I mentioned Nicholas Wending Refn, winding road, what's his name? You got it, Wending Ref mentioned Nicholas Wending Refn. Winding Road, what's his name? You got it, Wending Refn. Wending Refn. Wendy's Refn. Wendy's, Wendy's Whoppers. No, wait, that's Burger King. Yeah, Burger King's Whoppers.

Burger King's Whoppers. Put some respect on Burger King's name. I love Burger King. I love the, I used to love the onion rings from Burger King. They're very good Yeah, like the long chicken. Yes. Do you still get the long chicken? I haven't I picture the long kitchen get the long the long Chechen It's just like some mediocre basketball player barely made it to the NBA

Did you watch the World Series? I watched some of it. I was not interested until Hello Kitty made a post about it and I was like, I guess I'll get into it. Sure, sure. Because whatever Hello Kitty's into, I'm into. But the night that the Dodgers won, my friends saw an unhoused person in a wheelchair

losing their mind, having a really great time, and then there was fireworks, and I thought I was shot. Like, one went off so close to me, and I screamed, I've been shot! And my friend was like, are you hurt? And I was like, no. If you were shot, you'd be hurt. And I was like, oh, okay.

And I felt a little crazy, but I wanted to share that story. I just went to, and we can cut this out, but I'm gonna say it out loud, it's like Trump getting shot. It's like, it barely, it barely got him. You know what I mean? It wasn't like... I don't think it got him at all.

I think something bounced up and hit him. If you shot someone's ear, their head would be like fucked up. No, that hair keeps everything. The hair keeps everything. It's not cause people think it's like, oh, it's like a helmet head. It's like... The hair keeps everything. It's not because people think it's like, oh, it's like a helmet head, it's like so much hairspray, it's like a helmet.

It's not. It's a system. It's like a gre... There is a... It's a literal system with more sort of like force field energy around it. And that's why the makeup can't get to it. You know what I mean? That's why it's sort of like... That's why the makeup stops't get to it. You know what I mean? That's why it's sort of like, that's why the makeup stops is cause like that force,

that energy, it's an energetic. No, no, I get it. You can't paint up to the energy. Yes. The energy just throws it back down. No, I get that. My friend was like, but for real, why can't he blend his makeup?

And I was like, oh, I think he is blending it, but I think he sweats and he does this. Oh That rubbed away the makeup and so What a wild person when does this come out I don't know I was just about to say November 22nd Oh, wow, so we've made a choice. So yeah, we've made a choice. So how about how everything turned out? Everything turned out, you know, good or bad. Here we are. Here we are. Three weeks after the election, we know exactly what the future of humanity is gonna be. We knew it. We knew.

We knew even three weeks ago, which is not right now, which is right now. We knew everything then. Wait, how are you gonna spend Thanksgiving? Gobble gobble. Uh, I'm actually working. But I, what am I gonna do? My family, I mean I'll probably like go to a, you know, go to a bagel shop, get a turkey bagel. Sit alone, sit alone in my car. Sit alone in my car in a parking lot.

Yeah, watch the Mets, watch the highlights of the Mets on YouTube. Try to catch up for next season. See if they're good in the first four games. Find out if they're good. If they're not, drop out. See if they make a comeback towards the playoffs. Brush up on those YouTube plays of the year

re-engage with the mess You're getting a turkey bagel. That's just funny A dry turkey bagel please Give me a blueberry, give me a blueberry bagel The only flavor I want is blueberry bagel turkey dry Cup of piping hot water blueberry bagel turkey dry. So gross. A cup of piping hot water. I gotta wash it down with something.

I gotta put something. Happy Thanksgiving. Give me a hot glass of water to wash down this dry blueberry turkey bagel. I once brought a cake to a party, and it was so dry because I baked it for too long, and I warned everybody. I was like, it's not my best work. And my friend was like, it's good if you drink water immediately after, because it helps it get down. And I was like, don't say that. Yeah, well don't.

Don't say that out loud. Yeah, don't drink it. Don't eat it. Don't eat it. It's bad. Yeah. It was so bad. Yeah.

Wait, Nick, we have to take a break. Take a break. And now we know who won the election. We know. Here we are. The world, as a little marker, right before this is what- Uh-huh. Yeah. Now we know. Nick, I have a question. When did you get into acting and comedy in high school? I did a few plays in high school.

I did not much though. I did musicals, I was in Oklahoma twice. Okay. I was Ali Hakim, the Persian, the swarthy Persian peddler. Okay. I would make different choices now. Now, yeah, yeah. I would play the lead white guy.

Yeah. Is who I would choose to play. I get that. Not the only funny part in the play. Their musicals are like, so like, those, especially those days, there's like one funny, you know what I mean? Yes, one comedic really.

I'll be like, I'll take the, if I may, may I take the funny guy? But then I did Fiddler on the Roof the next year. Were you Tevye? No, I was the rabbi. I had two, I had one line. I'm sorry. And again, this is what, yeah, exactly.

I'm really sorry. It's, I'm- You were meant to shine and be a star. And of all things in, it was a synagogue production of Fiddler on the Roof. I'm not, it was like, and then I did Oklahoma again. I did a temper, the thing that I really did in high school that was fun is I did like a temperance play,

you know, like, you know, a straight edge, don't drink alcohol, evils of alcohol, like turn of the 20th century. Late, yeah, and it was like, I got to play like a cartoon villain with a big curly mustache who like tied up a girl to like a railroad tracks, you know? And then made love to her in my high school auditorium. And everyone cheered and said, yes!

Get it, crew! Six minute standing ovation! Yes! And that, and those people ended up being the extras on that day of don't worry darling When they were cheering for me exclusively, they were like, I remember this I remember this from high school So I did that play and I thought that was kind of fun, but I really didn't do much at all in high school and Elementary school was never like like the schools I went to were not, but I went to this place called the Mountain School in Vermont and it was a one semester

school. You live on a farm, like an organic farm and fully self-sustaining. It's like 45 kids and you like live with a, you know, all in like little dorms, like houses, and you have, there was like, you call your teachers by their first names, you do environmental science, you literally maintain the farm, and you are the staff, like cleaning and helping cook and clean all that stuff at the place. Wait, that's so wild.

It was like a full kind of utopian kind of- And how long did you go to school there? It was one semester my junior year. Oh, you can't go for more? No, yeah, and it's kids from all over the country. So you have this really, I had this incredible life-changing experience, like living in Vermont, like sleeping under the stars, and then,

and you had no, this was before cell phones and email even, really, the internet, but still, you really were, you are alone with these 45 people in this one little environment. And everyone was kind of super smart and weird and thoughtful. And so it really kind of encouraged me to let my freak flag fly a little more.

And I would, you know, we would do coffee house house nights where everyone would do like a little talent show. And some people like play the guitar, and some people play the drums, but they use like the dish buckets. And some people were, guys were reading like Jack Handy poem. You know what I mean? It was like, you could still like, remember when you could do talent shows

and just do other people's shit? Yeah. You know how awesome that was? Yeah, absolutely. Just do the choreography of the Spice Girls. Yeah, and you're like, ta-da! That's my talent. I memorized this dance. Yeah, but also it's like, but you're like, I'm...

But I memorized this dance. I'm scary Spice, okay? Yeah, totally. I was always posh. You would be posh. I see that for you. Yeah. And I like that.

I think I'm actually, if I were to do, it would be Sporty Spice. That's who I would, if I had to do like the drag version of it alone in my house, where I play each character one at a time in my bathroom, film it and then watch it and then destroy the tape. And then never post it to the internet. And then never post to the internet and shoot it on film. Uh-huh. And then get it developed and then slice it together. And then never post it to the internet. And then never post it to the internet and shoot it on film. Uh-huh.

And then get it developed and then slice it together. And cut it together. Make a short film for each character, sort of a reel, a promo reel around the house, living their lives, doing all that stuff. I would genuinely love if you did that. Just for yourself. Yeah.

Nicole Byer presents The Spice Girls. The Spice Girls. Nickroll is The Spice Girls. -♪ Backstreet's back, all right! -♪ That is not The Spice Girls. Wait, who is it? I think it's N'Sync. Yeah, I just... So after you did the school in Vermont...

Yeah, so I go to that school and then I come... Did you perform at all? Did you like do stand up and stuff? I would do like, not even stand up. I probably did. I was doing like what I realized, like I was the captain of my soccer team in high school senior year. And we'd have morning meeting and I would turn that into like a little, a little fucking show. A little joke, yeah. Show up, open mic. Give it to people, what they want. And the truth was at my school, I didn school, it was not like I was wildly encouraged.

Like it was, but I then did speak at my, I was in reality, because I spoke at my high school graduation. And you talked about teens who drove Ford Explorers? Yes, that by the way, most of the kids, yeah, it was like Jeep Grand Cherokee kind of Ford Explorer situations. And no, but I ended up trying Cherokee kind of Ford Explorer situations.

And no, but I ended up trying to do too much in this speech. I tried to make that high school is a metaphor for jazz, where it was like, you know, at the beginning of a jazz number, it's like the head, and it's like you get the basics of what, like, you're the, you know, the chords or whatever that you can play with. And then the rest of your life becomes an improvisation on, like, the fundamentals of what you have. And then I was gonna have this guy who played the trumpet come up and play, like, caravan or night in Tunisia,

it was caravan, but I, like, dropped the line so he wasn't cued for it. So then he starts doing it, and then I'm kind of lost in it. I got a hive right before and I was like, all right, I'm so nervous. And then what happened was I then talked about the administration of the school. It had been like a weird year at the school where it was like administration, the teachers and the students were just like, there was just not good. Not good energy.

Yeah, there was just like a couple weird things, bad vibes, right? And so I was like, hey, there's kind of bad vibes this year. Like, let's try to work on having more open communication between, and that didn't play so well with the school. And then, and I started, I didn't bomb, but I didn't nail it. And I like went to like the party that night

and like everyone was like, all right, man. Like, you know what I mean? It wasn't like- They're like, you did something. You did your thing, man. You went up there. Yeah, and- Yeah, you talked.

Yeah, so that wasn't that fun. But I think it was when I then got to college and then I did- You started doing improv with Mike Berbiglia. Yeah, well, the first time I met Ber Birbiglia we did a funniest act on campus, which is the first time I'd ever been like, I'm going to try to do some version of stand-up. And I've told this story in so many different spaces, but I haven't done it yet on Nicole Byer. Yeah, I'd like to hear about it.

Well, it's funny, Nicole, because I, you know what, actually, everyone, you guys remember the Benson interruption? Doug Benson's show on Comedy Central? You can watch this story there. So check out ComedyCentral.com, the absolute best in digital comedy. Just click right here for ComedyCentral.com.

Go to MTV Networks, old player. Go to MTV networks old player. Go use MTV networks before they decided on dealing with QuickTime when you had to download another goddamn player to watch 16 ads poorly streamed. That was a weird time where you had to download players to play them. What a nightmare. Yeah. I'm glad that we did away with that and now you can just watch things.

Yeah, my family's computer that I would visit just ruined by me. Ruined. Ruined with viruses. You're like, yeah, I'll click on that. Yeah, I'll click on that. Yeah, I remember the day that I was like, oh, I guess I shouldn't be clicking on these things.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And I haven't looked at porn since. I'm always looking at porn. I fucking love porn. Do you look at porn without it being sexual? I have. You know what I mean? Where I'm like not in the mood.

I'm like, well, I put it on. I guess I'll finish it. Give them that view. Yeah, give them that full completion, completion rate. Yeah, you know. Because obviously they, what we want from them is completion. But what they them that full completion, completion rate. Yeah, you know. Because obviously what we want from them is completion, but what they need from us is for you to complete that. What they need is to complete at least 15 minutes

of the video. Complete that content, people. If you're coming for it, come for it. Come for it, the clicks matter. And the completion rate matters to these creators, okay? Do you watch porn just for the sake of watching it? Uh, I mean only in class. What class are you taking?

I'm teaching porn. Honestly, there should be a porn class. Why not? Was that what you were trying to get done? I'm sorry. Let's cut that, but let's enjoy it here today, okay? It was funny. Yeah, it was funny. Oh, by the way, I wanted to come on here today and name names. I want to call...

I want to call people out. I want to call people out. I want people to know. Wait, so when did you start doing stand-up? Was this after college? Oh, so we... So I do that funny stuff on campus. I bomb for biglia kills, as has been sort of the case ever since. But I then saw that he had an improv group and I like now looking back, like came up to him,

I was like, hey man, like let me join your improv group. And he was like, we had auditions in like the fall, you know what I mean? It was like spring. He's like, but we're gonna do a sketch show called the No Show and come audition for that. So I auditioned for that and I was definitely not like a shoe in and I will say Mike really was like,

I'm telling you, this guy is funny. And I got into this sketch show and I remember going to the first night of read throughs. I don't know how you felt the first time you did like comedy where we did a read through a bunch of the sketches and I walked out being like, oh, this is it. This is it. This is what I'm supposed to do. The first improv class I took, I was like, wow. I gotta fucking do this forever?

I gotta make stuff up with strangers? And eventually get on a stage after several auditions? I wanna do that. Yeah, totally. And then stand up. The first time I did stand up, I was like, oh, I can do it alone? Yeah.

Ooh, this is fun. I don't need to improvise with strangers anymore. Yeah, I can just be by myself. Yeah, oh, I'm so funny and charming. I can just do this alone now. And then the first thing. Fuck all these nobodies. Fuck you guys.

Goodbye, improv nobody. Hello, stand up. Stand up for yourself. Stand up for me. stand up for yourself for me Bitch bye improv idiot Later everything goodbye stupid Go make up shit with other people in a room. I'm going alone to hotels Maybe with an opener, maybe that I want to hang out with. Traveling, small airports, United flights.

Delta. Delta. All over this country, miserable. Bye, improv. Touring is miserable until you can afford to bring somebody with you. Boy, oh boy. I've had some like local openers where I'm like,

oh, we have different core values. You're going to, you say something wild every night that really makes the room not good for me. That brings us to what I want to do here today, which is talk to everybody about Nicole's local openers. And Nicole Byers local openers. Nicole Byers local openers That's a Bob Dook, I give it to Bob Dook Seth Morris is Bob Dook. You should have Bob Dook on the cast

You should have Bob Dook on your podcast. All right, I think that would be really fun. Okay, I'll just make that match Seth Morris, I love Seth Morris Nicole Byers local openers. But yes, so once you can afford to take, or once you can go out with someone. That's nice. It's nice, and it can, I love doing it, but it is. Lonely.

It can be lonely. So I've like, I think you and I have been similar in that way where we've been really blessed to be able to straddle both worlds and live very comfortably in any of those spaces. Yes, which is so nice. It's like, it is a dream that we get to do all of it. Because I find myself really getting satisfaction out of both versions.

Yes, because sometimes I don't feel like telling my material, but I do want to perform. So I'm like, oh, I could just do an improv show and then that's nice. Yeah. And then it's like, oh, I want to work on stuff. Let me text Flanny and see if he'll throw me onto someone's show.

It's just, it's nice and I love it. Did you ever get chuckle fuckers? I probably, I mean, I'm sure I almost 100% have gotten laid only because I've been successful and funny for my adult life. I never, whatever it was, I mean, I'm sure I did a little bit, but we were not like hosts for one another. Like in that sort of parasitic host relationship, both ways, you know? Like, I, it was not a, yeah.

Did you? No. Yeah. Well, I do get propositioned at meet and greets. It'll be like a nice couple who are like, do you want to be our third? And I'm like, no, I simply don't. Yeah.

And then I did hook up with one person during the show because I was like, is there anyone single in the crowd? And there was this man who was like, yeah, me. And I was like, oh, do you like me? And he was like, uh-huh. And I was like, oh. Okay. And this is all on stage. Yeah. And I was like, well, what's your Instagram? And he told me that I messaged him through his Instagram.

And he was like, yeah, I'll come to your hotel room. And I was like, oh, OK. So then I was like in the back at the club. And I was like, can I have a bottle of wine? I'm going to bring this man from the audience to my hotel room. And everyone was like, yes, Nicole, too. And that's like one of the only two times

that I've like fucked an audience member. And that's how Marlon Waynes got famous. And that's exactly how Marlon Waynes got famous. Oh my God, they're gonna do another scary movie. I know. I don't know that. Oh my God, that's like my Hollywood reaction. It's like, I know, I already know about that. And you're like, actually I don't.

I actually turned that down. They wanted it to be me and not Marlon, this one. I know, I already know about that. And you're like, actually I don't. I actually turned that down. They wanted it to be me and not Marlon, this one. But Dates didn't work, so they gave it to Marlon. So I'm actually really happy for him. It's really good for him, I didn't want to do it. Dates didn't work is really funny. Because...

Did you, I don't know the scary movies. I feel like you were younger enough than me that those movies would be like... You don't know the scary movies. I feel like you were younger enough than me that those movies would be like... You haven't seen the scary movie movies? I'm sure I have. Oh, I have, because I remember seeing the first one and even then feeling like it wasn't already for me. But then being like, both, uh...

Who are the two actresses in it? Anna Faris. Yes. She's so good. And Regina King. And Regina King. Regina King, I didn't even realize until like... So funny. A few years ago, I was like, oh, I remember watching her being like,

she's fucking amazing. So, yeah, so I remember watching at least the first one. No, I get it. But they really shaped me as a child. Really? What about White Chicks? I've never seen White Chicks. I fucking love White Chicks.

Yeah. It is so good. chicks. I fucking love white chicks. Yeah. It is so good. Yeah. You're gonna love it. I mean, I've been, I did, I guess I did Lola, which is like my version of white chicks. Is that the publicist lady?

Yeah, Liz, publicity. I like her. I like her too. She's so funny. It was the most exhausting character I've ever to do. It was to be a woman. Just... Just like hair, makeup and dress, and just loudly talking. Oh, it was like, I do, I was like the most, I was doing a crawl show, three seasons of so many characters, so much makeup, so many things.

And being the days that I came home, just the most like worn out was like being Liz in like Spanx and I make like, my eyes could not handle like lashes. Wait, they put you in Spanx? I think I put Spanx on it first cause I was like Liz would be wearing like, you know what I mean? I love that, that's dedication to the craft. Yeah, and I also, I was probably like,

maybe I could like look good. Maybe I'd be a pretty, pretty princess. Maybe I'd be like a beautiful, pretty princess. So we'll just see, I guess, and see what happens. And I would just berate them that it wasn't pretty enough. Noob. I went through so many hair and makeup. That's so funny.

I'm not pretty enough. Make me prettier. I just fully lived. They're like, oh, this is the one character that Nick doesn't kind of drop out of. He really is method about lives. Oh, you guys, I just wanted to say, like, as far as like what I look like, it's a nightmare and you are solely to blame.

So everybody here is fired from this moment henceforth. What a dream that would be. Oh my God, truly. Just to... But I should watch White Chicks. You should, it's really fun. Yeah. It's reverse blackface.

I know. And that's okay. The dream, the dream. Uh, uh. And that is fine. Peace and love, I had a dream. Do bee bee boo. Real quick, we have to take another break. Wait, Nick, do you have any advice for single people? So much.

Okay. Um, fucking figure it out. Wow. Get it together. Wow. Get out of your own stupid way, idiot. Here's what I would say, truly though. Imagine someone heard that and they were like, yes.

Oh. I have to, and then they like go out and get a partner the next day. They're like, yeah, in my own stupid way. I'm a fucking idiot. Well, I would say along those lines, is like, I kind of believe everyone should be in therapy. Yes.

So I'm like, go get in therapy. Like, if you're single and you're not in therapy, go get in therapy and figure out what is going on. Because we all have so much shit going on and we have so many pointless blocks and pointless ways that we sabotage ourselves or are searching for the wrong kind of people and not feeling good about ourselves.

And so, we choose people or focus on the things that don't make ourselves feel good about ourselves. And it's a massive waste of energy that you're spinning your wheels like you're not being efficient and you're not feeling as much joy as you could if you understand who you are, that you find people who are gonna like, make you feel better. So, I would say that first and foremost.

Honestly, I think that's really fucking good advice. When people aren't in therapy, I'm like, who do you talk to? Yeah. Who? Yeah, who listens to your bullshit? And then who goes, I don't think you're absolutely correct about that assessment. Right, because either you're talking to your friends

who can't really tell you. Or like, yes, girl. Yes, yeah. Yes, girl. Or your partner, or someone who you're in a mess, or your parents and your family who have the same bullshit that you have, or some reaction, you are some reaction to their bullshit.

So I would say that, I would say dating. I don't know, I guess if, I mean, what are you feeling right now, what's going on with you out there? I, what do you mean? Well, like what are you observing? I mean, yeah, what's your advice for people who are dating right now? I think it is get into fucking therapy.

But what if you're in therapy? You're like, I'm in therapy and I can't figure this out. You know? Do... Okay, so I read this book. I did not finish it. It's called Calling in the One. And this lady is like, if you do this book front to back, you will be in a relationship by the end of it. I did not finish it.

But I did enough of it that I was like, oh, I'm getting in my own way about shit. And I'm believing a lot of shit that I've made up that's not necessarily true, and projecting stuff onto other people. So I did like half the book and I was like, oh shit. So then in my current relationship, I've spent a lot of time being like, what have I made up? What is actually true?

Right, and you are, which Menendez brother is it that you are currently? Tony Menendez, I don't know their names. Oh, you're with Tony Menendez, the third brother? He's like, I wish someone would make a show about me. He's always left out, he's the youngest. Tony Menendez, yet again. My parents never loved me, I'm glad they're gone.

My older twin brothers always left me out. They always went off and did their thing. I just wanted them to include me in the murders. Whether it was playing basketball or the murders, they always left me out. Little Tony Menendez. I haven't watched any of it. I'm not familiar with it.

I'm not either. I know that they murdered their parents because they were mad or something. Yeah, yeah, I think they had a good reason to be mad. But that's the extent of my knowledge. I was like, I think I get it, you know, so... But I've been following it on social media. Same. I've been like, oh, okay, people are like,

mad about this or whatever. But then maybe they didn't kill their parents? No, I think they killed their parents. I think it's, we should do a podcast, Nicole Byers presents the Menendez Brothers stuff. Or we just do a deep dive on the Menendez Brothers. We just speculate. We just speak in broad vagaries.

Like, I don't know, I think they murdered. Anyway, today, Zip Recruiters, the number one place to get yourself online stuff for people. Online stuff for people? The Vegas ads? Would you like Duolingo? It's a thing on your phone. You know, like, there's two languages and you speak one but you don't know the others, so that's Duolingo. But yeah, I love the Menendez family. Yeah, I don't know.

But I think you were talking about, we were talking about dating and the book. I don't read, those kind of books, I feel like you get the message. I did that Easy Way to Quit Smoking book. Like I read it, Alan Carr. And I read- Did you quit smoking? Not from that.

I went to a hypnotist multiple times. What kind of hypnotist? These people who do hypnotherapy. I went to a few different ones. One guy is the funniest guy ever. I talk about him in the special. And he's an LA guy. He ended up doing Mulaney's show, I don't know,

the everything, it's called Everything Bagel in LA. Yeah, yeah, so I know that show. Yeah, no, Everything's Illuminated. That's maybe what he should have called it. Everyone would have went crazy for that. Everything Bagel in LA? Everything Bag everything Bagel's illuminated in LA. I like it, it's a good title. I mean, it's Nicole Byers' number one product right now.

For those who are the major buyers of the Nicole Byers, what we're doing right now is really bad mortgages. Bad subprime mortgages. We are back in the subprime mortgage sandwich business. Get a mortgage and a turkey bagel. Get yourself a turkey bagel sub, a blueberry turkey bagel, a turkey bagel tower of babbles building towards a heaven thatel tower of babel.

So building towards a heaven that doesn't want you there. I just read that tower of babel, a short story. Is it good? It was good. I hadn't thought about it in a while. I didn't really know about it. I need to know about how you quit smoking. I went to a hypnotist multiple times. I think I, it.

How many times did it... for it to take? Well, what would happen is I would quit, and then for like three years, and then like some thing would like, you know, whatever. That's wild to quit for three years. Yeah. Most of my 30s was like, I would quit and then start for a brief moment, and then quit again. But I would have to go and get hypnotized. I think in my special, I say it was a one-off situation, but in reality, people lie all the time.

All the time. Everybody is lying. Everyone lies. Everyone is a liar. No one tells the truth. And that is our main advice on dating. I mean, everyone is kind of lying until you actually get to know someone.

Well, that's a... They say it's like three months and then people start showing their true colors. Yes, even though, and again, it's like lying. It's you're like hiding in plain sight because like, I remember feeling when I was dating that like going on a first date is pretending like you don't already know everything about this person.

You know, like, especially in the last... You can Google people. Yeah. Yeah. You Google people and learn so much about them. You're like, oh, you got to. Oh, yeah, there's that sister in Colorado. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know. You know, that sister in Colorado.

Yeah, you post about her on Facebook. Yeah, I've seen the post from 2018. Everybody, we all have seen the Facebook post. But it's annoying when you go on a date with someone and they're private and you're like, oh, I can't do my research. I don't want to get to know you. No, I want to know things.

I want to act surprised when you tell me something I already know. Yes, exactly. And that's what I would say to people dating, advice to people dating. Just act surprised all the time. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh, that? Okay. Oh, that's why you act like your team just won the World Series? Oh, wow. Oh, I didn't know.

I didn't know. With my boyfriend, I didn't tell him I was a comedian until like our fourth date. I was like, I don't think I've ever explained what I do for work. I'm a comedian. He was like, I know. And I was like comedian until like our fourth date. I was like, I don't think I've ever explained what I do for work. I'm a comedian. And he was like, I know. And I was like, oh. Ha ha ha ha.

What were you, would you talk about work at all? Yes. And I just wouldn't get any sort of reference for things. You're like, when I'm working on stage in front of people. On stage in front of the people, they're ha ha ha laughing. Anyway, what do you want to order? Yeah.

Yeah. More stuffed shell, stuffed soft shell crabs? That's improv, right? Details. You gotta give details when you're doing improv. Stuffed soft shell crab is so funny. And so weirdly specific. More stuffed soft shell crab, please? Should we get more stuffed soft shell, soft shell, soft shell crab leaves. Should we get more soft shell crab leaves? Should we do that for our date? You're a doctor.

Oh no, I gotta get to the ER. No. Okay, I'll stay here and get more stuffed shell crab. No, we're in a fight. I don't wanna be here anymore. Wait, I like your sock color. It's grimace color. This is, yeah, it's like- What do they say, Creed?

It's not a big deal. It's like a ski sock. Oh, do you ski? I ski once a year. Oh, you're taking your shoes off? Yeah, I wanna show, you know why? Halloween might be over, but the games go on. Bones!

Show that camera. Bones! Uh-oh, this sock got bones! And if you can believe it, the other one got it on them too. The other one got it on them too. I really like this sock. So do I. They're really fun. I was like, I thought about them today. You really like the socks. So do I. They're really fun.

I was like, I thought about them today. You know, your socks were like, well, these are nice day socks. Do you have like underwear and socks? You're like, well, I'm only, I can't wear that t-shirt until Friday because that's a nice day for me. Yes.

You know what I mean? Yeah. Except it's the same two ratty pairs of underwear. I just bought new underwear because mine were getting a little ratty and I was like, I should treat myself. Why am I wearing gross underwear? Yeah, and why am I wearing your older gross underwear?

I don't, because I sent them to you. And that's the nice thing to do when someone sends you something. You get a gift, you use the gift. You use it. Absolutely. Wear my underwear. Every single day. It would be funny though,

because I have a bigger butt than you. So, truly, you'd be swimming in my drawers. I'll show you. What if you caught me in your actual drawers, me swimming around? You have huge drawers. Just the biggest drawers. Absolutely filled with ratty panties.

My drawers look like a Scrooge McDuck's little gold thing, but it filled with ratty panties. My drawers look like a Scrooge McDuck's little gold thing, but it's just for ratty panties. You're doing like, ooh, da-doo. How old are your kids? 19 and they're both little, like both under five. Oh. And they're both, yeah, both under four. And there, we went out for Halloween.

This is now, three weeks ago. This is old fucking news, dude. This is like three weeks ago, not the- Fucking snooze, bro. Not today when the elections happen and we know exactly what's happening with our country. This is three weeks ago, not yesterday. Not yesterday.

And we dressed up for Halloween and my son wanted to go as Darth Vader. He's never seen Star Wars. It's like truly all hearsay. Then how did he know about Darth Vader? Because he knows about hard relationships between fathers and sons. He understands the complicated dynamic.

And so we both agreed that he should be Darth Vader and I should be Princess Leia. Really? No, my wife was Princess Leia. I was Obi-Wan. Okay. And my little baby was Baby Yoda. Oh, that's really fucking cute.

And he, and it was, it was so cute. He and my son, we like had the costume for like a week and was wearing it around. So by Halloween, he was kind of like, whatever, the fucking mask is getting in the way. It was the first year that he understood candy. Like the first year that he was like, I'm gonna go up to that house,

I'm gonna get a thing of Skittles and I'm gonna eat it. Like we don't really give him like Skittles. We give him more like Sour Patch gummies. Like for dinner. We give him. Just a plate full of Sour Patch gummies. Yeah, yeah. He doesn't like the kids.

But I want Skittles. Yeah, and I'm like, and I throw Skittles at my wife. I go, why don't you eat some of these? Fucking throw Skittles. It's a toxic environment at my house. I like it. They're also colorful. Oh my god. And it's on the front of the house I've spray painted, make the rainbow. Is that what they say in Skittles? Taste the rainbow?

No, that's the problem. That's why there's turmoil. That's why she's so fucking mad at me. I spray paint make the rainbow on the front of the house thinking it's Skittles. You got it wrong. I get it wrong. Meanwhile, I'm in the Skittle pool.

I've replaced all the pool water. Just swimming. Yeah, swimming through Skittles like Scrooge McDuck. Just getting my nostrils absolutely. Make the rainbow. Make the rainbow. So I'm not allowed in the house for a little while. No, I get it.

I wouldn't allow you in the house either. No, we had, so we went out and it was so, it was really fun. It was like, it was really cool. It's kind of, it feels weird dressing up. Like I don't love dressing up actually for Halloween. I love Halloween, but I don't love, because I feel like you and I get in costumes a lot.

So it's like, it doesn't feel like. It's not special. Yeah, we get to be fun all the time. It's like basically. We get Halloween all the time. Halloween is for us every day. It's my job, I get to wear a costume and sometimes I get to be in fun makeup, yeah. I go up to anyone I want, ask for candy

and they have to give it to me. Candy! They have to give it to me. Guys, I'm candy. They have to give it to me because I'm on the call sheet. Yeah. I don't say the number. I mean, you are right. PAs will go get you candy whenever you want. I can't imagine why people don't like us anymore.

Why don't they like Hollywood? Why don't people love Hollywood? Yeah, why don't they? We're relatable. We're always trick or treating on set. Demanding pink Starburst. It's true. I, every set I've ever been on,

I demand that they have at least three different types of gum. I want huge canisters. Orbit, Trident. Yes. Hubba Bubba. Yes, I couldn't think of a single other gum. That was scary.

All the gum I, I've been eating Mentos gum recently. The gum. Oh, Mentos Fresh and Mentos Fresh and Maker Rainbow. Mentos. The Freshmaker. Nick, we've reached the end. No, I'm not done. I got nowhere to go.

We got to do another couple hours. We got to keep going. I got to keep this train moving forward or it will come to a stop. Nick, do you have anything you want to promote? Yeah, I'd love to promote, let's see. I think Fuller House is still on Netflix There's probably a couple there's probably four or five seasons from Netflix and then you can watch the rest of Full House on I don't know a local TV CW maybe

Let's see Dave Coolier's stand-up specials available on Canadian television on craze We have a set of specials available on Canadian television. On Crave. On Crave. Um, what have we got? Red One. We got Red One. I'm in the movie Red One with The Rock and Chris Evans. We didn't even talk about that. Wait. We can. Who's hotter in person?

Um, I guess me. Well, I'm sorry. Wait, between me and The Rock? Yes. Me. And then me and, between me and Chris Evans? Yes. Me, I think, probably. So those two. I had so much fun.

I got to get up in The Rock's face and like talk shit. That's fun. It was so fun. He was really fun. Now I gotta go see this movie. Yeah, go check it out in Amazon movie theaters everywhere. Amazon? They have movies? Amazon's got movies!

Wait, Amazon has movie theaters? I don't know. You know, I just went to a movie theater in Pasadena called Ipix. They had the best burger I've ever had. Really? I might have just been hungry, but it was so good. What did they have? Did they have cheese on it? Yes.

What kind of stuff? Was there other stuff on the burger? There was lettuce. They put lettuce so it was kind of crunchy? Yeah. Tomato. And would they have sauces on it? Any condiments?

I got it without. You got it dry? I want a dry burger, please. You know how Nick Kroll likes his turkey and blueberry bagels? That's how I want my burger. That's how I want my burger. I want a dry burger, please. You know how Nick Kroll likes his turkey and blueberry bagels? That's how I want this burger. That's how I want my burger. I love a dry burger. I don't want sauces on my burger. Really?

I know. It's so weird. I love a dry dog. A dry dog? Yeah. I don't want a hot dog with anything on it. You don't want a hot dog? You don't want a hot dog with anything on it? Hot dog. I don't want a hot dog. That sounds so strange to me. Yeah, a hot dog. Hot dog. Trust me. want a hot dog. That sounds so strange to me. Yeah, hot dog. Hot dog

Trust me. It feels good to me. It feels exactly right to me. So I I'm from Jersey So I say like certain words like a Jersey person. Yes. Have you you've lost most of it except for like hot dog Nicole Bries Nicole Nicole bias hot Hot Soys. Wait. Hey, what are you, are you kidding me? You don't want one of our hot soys? Don't be a fucking ridiculous. Come down to Nicole Bias and be a buyer of one of our hot soys.

Did you ever work in marketing? Exclusively, that's all I'm doing now. Selling a bunch of bullshit to all the sheeple out there. You know what I wanted to do actually when I graduated college? I still didn't think when I graduated college that I was gonna necessarily be a comedian. Like I was gonna go try but I was like I wanted to get a job in socially responsible marketing was like my idea when I was socially responsible marketing? Yeah which is like don't be a don't do marketing. Yeah It's all about tricking. Yeah, but I think Arby's will be like we have healthy meats and it's like no, you don't well

They and they're like, you know, they're like so that was the original that was being range would originally like we have the healthy meats You can't say that. We have the meats. Is that better? We love it. Cut and print. Wait, Nick, would you date me? I asked all my guests this. Another asking a married man?

I love asking married men. Yeah, we're again, Nicole. Again, Nicole, me and my wife have approached you at multiple meet and greets. I know. And every time we come, you say no. Several times. So this is what I'm saying about how we date and like the blocks we have.

You're actually getting, I have, I've made various overtures to you. Yes. And at you. Yes. And on you. And of course in you. In you.

Is that what a classical guy does at the end? On you. And of course in you. In you. Is that what a classical guy does at the end? He goes, can I make my overture? In you now? In you now? Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun. Then they stick that little wand in you. Yeah, oh, both. There's two?

Yeah, you go, yeah. For me, it's my butthole and my urethra. That way I'm always so hard. But you gotta do urethra then butthole so you don't transfer fecal matter into your dick. When you get fecal matter in your urethra... It's not good. Honey, it's the worst hot chocolate ever. Well, we've come to the end.

We've done it. If you like this episode of Why Won't You Date Me, you can rate it, you can subscribe, you can give me five stars on Apple Podcasts, and if you write me something nasty hitting on me, do whywon'tyoudatemepodcasts.gmail.com, I'll read it. Okay, what I would do if I could do anything to Nicole Byer, first we're gonna go out to dinner.

We're in the Texas of Canada, So we're having rare steaks. But right before dinner, I'll sneak into the coat room and go down on you until we get caught. Then we'll bribe the staff so we can still stay and have our steak. Then after dinner, we'll go to a country bar and pick up two dumb, hot cowboys who buy us drinks and cheer when we make out. And then they'll take us cow tipping and ride some pump jacks. I don't know what that is. Pump tracks. Pump jacks.

Oh, yeah. What's that? It's, they have this like thing in Canada that's, it's called pump jacks. And, and if I was, it's, if you really want to know, it's massively pumped up Hugh Jackman impersonators, but instead of Australian, they're Canadian. I can't wait till your children go to school and then just start rattling off the insane things you've told them. Jackman impersonators, but instead of Australian, they're Canadian.

I can't wait till your children go to school and then just start rattling off the insane things you've told them as like full facts. My dad said that Pump Jacks are Canadian Hugh Jackmans who get a major swell, show their vascularity, and say, oops, sorry, didn't realize I was Wolverine. And the teacher's like, we need to have a conference. Okay, then on the way home, I'll ride you in the truck bed with my double-sided strap on

that I've had this whole time in my purse. The cowboys are cheering us on as we both come at the same time. Then we convince the cowboys to fuck each other. Then we all fuck. What a treat, what a dream. And this is from Darien. Uh-huh, not Darius.

It's not Darius Rucker. No, Darien. Oh, Darien. Uh-huh, not Darius, it's not Darius Rucker. No, Darien. Oh, Darien, okay. Darien. Do you say the pronouns? No, but I can, she, her. She, her, there you go. She's a she, her.

She, her. She, her. She, her, he, him. Yeah. And that's our take on pronouns. Yeah, just walk up to people. Take that. Make your assumptions.

She her. She her. He him. They them. They them. Zim zam. Yeah. I think that's one.

Yeah, zim zam. I think. Zip zap. Zip zap zap. No! Bring it back to improv. We love improv. Bye bye.

Bye improv. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. You've been listening to Why Won't You Date Me with me, Nicole Byer. This show is produced and edited by Mars with executive producer Anya Kenefskaya.

It's engineered by Casey Donahue with guest research by Lindsay Kemp. Our VP of content at Headgum is Katie Moose, and our theme music is arranged by Mike Cometay. Ah, thanks for listening! We'll be back next week with a brand new episode. See you then! Okay, bye bye! That was a Headgum Podcast.

Hey everyone, I'm Dan Lakata. That was a HeadGum Podcast. Hey, everyone. I'm Dan Locata. And I'm Nick Nani. And we are the hosts of Chicken Padme John now on HeadGum. It's the very first podcast for and about Italian Americans. That's right. Well, if you're not Italian American, you can listen to, I guess. I suppose we can let you in cut you a deal

We're talking about all sorts of crazy topics on this who's a better cook Nana or mama Who you got in that fight? No, no mama. I mean I can't say bad about no. No, she smacked me across head We got some great guests on the show. We got Wayne Diamond. We got Edie Modica. We got Mike Hanford and our wife, Sevriel. So subscribe to Chicken Parmesan on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Pocket Casts, or wherever you get your podcasts. New episodes drop every Thursday.