Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Nicole Answers a Dating Questionnaire (w/ Ego Nwodim)

Episode Date: August 10, 2018

Ego Nwodim joins Nicole to talk therapy and the times they've shat their pants. Ego takes a look at Nicole's updated Tinder profile. Nicole re-reads her Bagel Meets Coffee questionnaire and realizes why she may have never got matches on it.You can play along and see Nicole's Tinder bio and photos on her Facebook page at: https://www.facebook.com/pg/NicoleByerComedyRate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Leave a nasty comment for a chance have it read on-air.Follow Nicole Byer:Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdatesTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerFacebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedy

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Oh baby! Welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast where I try to figure out why I'm still single, even though I will let you T-bag me! Boo, boo, boo! And I won't complain, I'll say yum, yum, yum, I love those balls.

My guest today is very funny, very wonderful. I love her so much. You know her from, what was my favorite credit? Law and Order, True Crime. She was in three episodes, but she's a comedian and I love it. Ego Nwanda. Did I say it right? You did say it right, but I love her.

How do I say it? Wodim. Wodim. Oh, you did say that. We talked about it, but it doesn't matter because that it Wodim we talked about it but it doesn't matter because that intro made me feel very warm and fuzzy inside and I'm going to just open this LaCroix now

open your LaCroix if you are listening from somewhere else we are in LA where LaCroix is king everybody loves sparkling water here yes everyone is health conscious everyone loves bubbles but they don't like soda yes i don't drink soda it's true it's facts it's i don't do that i don't drink

soda i go how are you i'm good nicole i'm really i'm good today yesterday i mean i don't know lost in the world um okay i woke up today i meditated okay I don't meditate but I was like we need to do something RuPaul says you should meditate and I've tried because I try listening and doing whatever Ru says yes but I can't get my brain to clear yes yeah dude um I was thinking I'm like oh when you sit down to meditate and you realize just how fast your brain is going girl I started thinking about things from two years ago like i think this verse i maybe said this weird thing to a person i'm like this isn't this is crazy what i carry around like it's insane we all carry so much trauma in therapy my therapist was we were talking about spanking and like how black people

love to spank their kids they love love to be their kids senseless. And she's like, why do you think they do that? And I was like, I don't know. Do they keep them in line? She's like, yeah, and who do they see that from? And I was like, I don't know. She's like, slave owners and overseers. And I was like, what?

Wait, I want to go to your therapist who can give me truth bombs like that. Mary is the wokest white lady I've ever met in my life. If I say something to her, I'm like, I don't know. I think I was wrong. And I'll explain it to her and she'll be like, I mean, fuck, Nicole. Yes. Yes, you were. And here's how we deal with it.

I love Mary. Oh, I want to see Mary. My friend has a therapist, Dr. B. I live vicariously through my friend because Dr. B also drops truth bombs, but she don't take my insurance, so we won't be going to Dr. B. See, Mary, I have to, I pay her out of pocket, and then I submit receipts to the insurance company

when I remember, because this bitch got ADHD, and she don't remember very often. So basically you are paying out of pocket. Okay, you know what? It's probably worth it, because I went to a therapist. I think I told you about this, and she don't remember very often. So basically you are paying out of pocket. Okay, you know what? It's probably worth it because I went to a therapist. I think I told you about this that,

okay, I can't say the other person's name. I was like, that's not appropriate. Okay, anyway, me and someone else went to a therapist. I like found the person for us and I was like, you take my insurance, but I don't like you.

But I didn't know I didn't like her. I was just like, because it's my first time too. And I was like six weeks in and I'm telling my friend who's like therapist guru. She's not a therapist, but just been going forever. And I was like, yeah, I think I'm going to go for like two more weeks. And she's like, hey, I think it's not a fit. And I think six weeks is enough time.

Yeah, six weeks is more than enough time. Okay. I was like, no, I'll go for two more. I'll just keep going to this woman and sort of maybe kind of arguing with her and like, oh, I think you're asking me the wrong questions. But anyway. I feel like that's a symptom of being a woman. You want to please and you're like, well, it can't be you. We'll work on this together.

It must be me. Yeah, yeah. That's exactly how I felt. But I was like, you're asking, like, she asked me, like, you need to ask yourself why you're dating the same kind of guy. And I was like you're asking like she asked me like you need to ask you need to ask yourself why you're dating the same kind of guy and I was like did you not just hear me and I was like well maybe I need to describe to you who all the situations like my history and I was like you still think this is the same I really even how far removed I am from that therapy session I'm like no you're wrong they're not the same're wrong. They're not the same kind of guy. They're not the same kind of guy. Therapists will fuck you up for a while. I had one therapist in high school. She had white

blonde hair, red lips, and then had a weird speech impediment and had so many books on her wall that I was like, these must be fake. One of those, you open them up in their hollow inside. I was convinced that she had fake books because she was saying a bunch of fake shit to me. But you know, but you know when it's fake. You know when it's fake. And I was like, this is bad. Okay, I want your opinion on this. This is something that sticks out at me from that therapy session.

Talking to her about something and my stomach starts rumbling. I like borderline have IBS, just to be perfectly clear. Okay. So my stomach sort of starts rumbling, but I'm talking through it. And she's like, well, I think mind, body and soul are connected. And like the fact that your stomach started rumbling in that moment, I was like, I don't. Yeah. No.

No. Yeah. And I'm like, yeah, my body and soul. Absolutely. But I don't know. It may have meant you needed some water. Yes. Right.

I was like, no, lady, I don't agree with you that my stomach started rumbling because it meant some deep thing about what I was talking about. No. Thank you. My stomach rumbles in the strangest time. Yes. Yes. When you're laying with a person. Yes. Laying with a person. I once farted so hard with a man. How did he like it? He was sleeping allegedly. Okay. And I was like, oh no, I think it's a little toot. It was like a sheet raisin fart. I was like. Waves through the bed. Okay. And I like looked at him and then I like crawled my little body up to his head and I was like, okay, I think he's still sleeping.

But I'm 100% sure I farted. It woke him up. And then me being like, are you awake? Woke him up even more. Yeah, I'm sure. I'm sure of it. I mean, those little toots you think are going to be little baby toots and then they're more. I shit in my pants as an adult two years ago.

I went to Mexico, got something wrong with my stomach, and then I was going to the bathroom a bunch. Then I went back to my desk at work, and then I was like, okay, this is just a residual toot. Then it wasn't. It wasn't. I shit in my pants at work. I had to go home. That's funny. What did you say to your boss?

I pooped myself. May I please leave i snuck out quietly because i also didn't have anything to like put around my to walk to my but also you don't want to smell like shit at work you gotta just no i just left i was like i don't if she has any questions she'll ask and i can tell her tomorrow what happened um i could just say i got very sick i I once got so drunk, I passed out and woke up and had shit myself. Really?

And I didn't know until I went to the bathroom and shit fell out of my underwear. And I was like, what is this? Wait, was it solid or was it liquid? It was solid. It was like rocks of shit. And I was like, what is happening? And then I was like, oh, is this rock bottom?

I'll tell you something it wasn't no wait what was rock bottom I don't have one I keep doing embarrassing things and I'm still drinking you listen why not as long as you don't have an actual problem I'm for it okay I'm not waking up in the morning putting

Bailey's in my coffee no no unless I'm on a plane but i feel like if you're on a plane you must drink alcohol especially if you're flying first uh have you ever flown first okay nicole last month for the first time in all of my life let me tell you i kept thinking oh it's just gonna be bigger seats who needs a bigger seat i was like oh whatever fly whatever. Fly me first. Girl, I don't know how I'll ever go back to coach. You can't. You feel so disrespected when you have to go in the back.

Yes, because they're a high-key rude, too. They're so rude to you. They're very rude in coach. And my friend is a flight attendant. I saw her a couple weeks ago in New York, and I was like, hey, why? I was like, you guys are nicer to people in first. Just so kind,, everything's fine.

Like, you tell me to put my seat up for landing, but then it's not fully up and you're like, whatever. Sometimes you'll be sleeping and they'll do it gently for you. Yes, what is this? And she was like, she says it's easier to be nice in first. That's what her answer was. I think I understand that because there's less people. So if you're nice to all of the steerage in the back. Oh, gosh.

I'm going to fly coach again. In fact, I flew coach a week later for a ticket out. I flew Economy Plus back from DCM. If you don't know, it's an improv marathon in the UCB theater. I flew Economy Plus back and flew Economy Plus there the whole time. I was like, why am I doing this? Why? Why?

No, girl, just, I don't know. I really don't know. Like, now that I've experienced it, I called my brother and he was like, it's first class, whatever. And I was like, no, you don't understand. They treat you nice. They give you food. For like a full year, because Girl Code was flying me back and forth, first class by season three sure um okay okay but like they would give you food and i would say oh my

this is the best food i have had hands down ever and now i've calmed down i'm like it's not that good it's plain food it's just reheated something or other it's fine so but i but when i was on my flight too i I was like, this is incredible. But I'm so like, okay, so I didn't want to be like, very clear that I had been in first for the first,

this was my first time in first. So I'm trying to, I do this. I've been, I've been here before. So she comes and like gives me a menu and then comes back maybe 15 minutes later and is like,

okay, have you decided what you'd like to eat? And I choose like a random thing on there, not realizing it's uh appetizer entree dessert so she's like anything else and i was like oh okay this other thing and then she's like okay and for the dessert it's like oh okay this thing i felt so dumb but if you next time you fly first class tell them it's your first time okay even though it's not okay and they'll be extra nice to you okay because i remember the very first time you fly first class, tell them it's your first time, even though it's not. And they'll be extra nice to you.

Okay. Because I remember the very first time I flew first class, I was so excited because it had laid down seats. And I was like losing my mind. And I was grinning really hard. And I was like, you're in a good mood. And I was like, I'll tell you a secret. I've never been up here before. And then like a couple other people were like, yay.

It was like a little party. Yes. Everyone's like like welcome to money we're nice up here they are though and that's what I was like she was I think she obviously at that point knew and was just so sweet and delicate with me and

listen this is the other thing I thought the seats like reclined more right I didn't know they go on full blow beds beds like an actual bed Right. I didn't know they go on full blow beds. Beds. Yes. Beds. Yes. Yes. An actual bed.

You go right to sleep. It is glorious. I'm shook by this because I fly east all the time because I'm from the East Coast and I like I used to go home all the time. And then I was like, OK, I know I can sleep for like an hour and a half. And then the last four hours of this flight, I'll be awake. But no, I'll be awake. But no, I slept from the whole time. I had one flight that was delayed,

and they allowed first class on, so we could all take a nap before we took off. What? See, what kind of shit? What kind of shit? And they dimmed the lights, so we were all like, and then we heard the rumblings of steerage and then they were like grumbling back and then one lady was like they let them sleep and i wanted

to be like yes bitch they let us sleep but then it's like if you're paying five grand a fucking ticket yeah you're gonna be nice to people yeah yeah that's what i was thinking too i'm like i'm sure in your training somehow when she answered me i'm like i'm sure in your training they advise you to like hey these people paid a lot of money my ticket i saw what the client paid for my flight and i was like i would never pay this it's a lot of money i flew to australia first class with miles and then some cash and then like i redeemed this like I found shit in my blanket and they gave me miles and like some delta dollars

so I like used that so I think I came out of pocket maybe like 600 bucks to fly first class to Australia they are even nicer internationally yes because those tickets are like 10 grand so like my friend was

like order the vegan thing because it'll make it fresh for you yeah everything in america is disgusting so they gave me like slop hot slop and i was like oh i don't want to eat that in the flight attendant was like we're glad you didn't eat that because we didn't know what it was either but we saved you something what do you want i was like oh how nice in economy they would have been like bitch you gotta love that's it that's it they nice. In economy, they would have been like, bitch, you out of luck. That's it. That's it. They're so mean.

They're so funny. I will like, I get like hot flashes on planes. These very, not always. I'll like sometimes get, I don't know if it must be motion sickness of some variety. I wake up and I'm like sleeping and then I wake up abruptly and I'm hot as fuck. And I'm like, oh gosh, I'm going to pass out and I'm also going to throw up. It's these very weird, scary, bizarre things that happen to me on the plane every once in a while and so I'll

have been asleep when they went to do the regular service like what do you want to drink so then I wake up and I'm like okay what do I have to calm my body down I'll need like a hot tea and a ginger ale so then I push the button and they take forever and I'm like I will throw up on

all my seat mates right now I will throw up on all my seatmates right now. I will throw up on you. You'll have to come. Hurry. Come and just give me the fucking drink. Like, my gosh. I flew economy once. This was a while ago.

And the flight attendant, I was sitting all the way in the back because I would say six years ago, people were not flying as much because the economy wasn't as good as it is now. And I figured if I picked a seat in the back, I'd usually have the whole road to myself because no one was to sit next to the bathroom. Yeah. And this flight attendant, this fabulous man came on and then he was like just wearing jeans and a t-shirt. And I was like, he looks like a passenger, but like he's in the back touching things. He was just guzzling those little bottles of vodka.

What? And then he changed into his flight attendant uniform then he was like i'm good to go girl all right and i was like did he just come from a fucking like bender and he's finishing it out and he's like gotta fly home it was so funny he like crashed midway through and was like a little tired but it was yeah it's good for him i loved him ago can i ask you a question you are single yes i'm so single yeah do you want to be single okay let me this is a little bit of an answer i um i don't okay no wait let me let me i am i'm fine being

single i am just now as of like last month, admitting, fully admitting and saying it. Like, I would like to find a partner and like be in a relationship. Because before I've always been like, I don't give a fuck. If they come, they come. If they don't come, then I'm like, no, I've never been in love. So I'm like, I want to know what that's like. So now I'm admitting fully like, yes, I would like a relationship. Am I fine being single?

Do I want to be single I guess that the answer is no but I'm okay what kind of mans is you look or womans I don't know I'm man it's all man's it's man's is I sometimes I'm like am I a lesbian maybe I like women and then I I'm like no I do no I like men um But women are really beautiful, aren't they? So beautiful to look at. Okay, so no. A man, I want a tall man who's smart. Yes.

Like, smart. That's, like, key. Like, you got to be, like, if you know a lot about shit, that's wonderful to me. And, like, quick-witted. Like, can keep up. And we can, like, have some ban like, and we could like have some banter back and forth. That's a dream.

So I've been trying to figure out what, how to like, like quantify or qualify this thing that I want. I don't even know where you find smart men. I don't know. I don't know. I straight up, the last guy, the last smart guy I dated, I should say that's okay. It was years ago. And he was like kind of a sociopath.

Oh no. And I know everyone throws this around like willy dilly like everyone here's the thing there are more sociopaths out there than people want to admit there's a lot of people with mental illness that is undiagnosed and they're walking around playing with your brain

trying to fuck you and dick you down and then you're like but you're wild yes yes oh my gosh so I have like a stupid I know a stupid sociopath and then you're like but you're wild yes yes oh my gosh oh my gosh so i have like a stupid i know a stupid sociopath and then i know a smart sociopath both of whom i've dated and okay back to the now i'm thinking about the therapist being like they're all the same kind of guy they're not there's some other ones in there that aren't sociopaths um but the the last smart guy it was like he was crazy though he was, and like emotionally not okay, like just not okay.

So I don't know where you find, I don't know where you find a smart guy. I don't know where you find emotionally available men who are smart and have their shit together. Yeah. I don't, I'm all jokes aside. Like this is not just like a, Oh women,

this is the shit we're on. Truly. I don't know. So my friend is, yeah, my friend is a doctor she's dating like co-residents and shit and they're all they're also just like he's mean and emotionally unavailable or like he's emotionally available but like doesn't know how to deal with his emotions

and is being thus weird meat like hot and cold and shit so I don't know like and she doesn't I think I brought her up because I'm like we do comedy and we do entertainment so we're like well we're in this little world and bubble and like people are fucked up here but then she's a doctor and men are still fucked up over there yeah and not in one of the big it's like a doctor in Chicago so I'm like what I don't know

where any what do I don't know I don't know Nicole I don't know either it's been so i've been swiping on tinder just fervently yes very very fervently and i everyone has gotten uglier in the last girl six months and not to be like it's luxe based but like i need to be attracted to you yes yes in order for me like, well, we can even start talking. Yes. And these dudes, like, I have this real ugly man.

He commented on my picture. I'm holding coffee in it. And he's like, you need some cream in there. And I said, no, I don't. I drink my coffee black. That's how I drink it. And then he went, LOL. And I was like, where's the laugh?

Yeah, where is it? What's he about it what is funny about this that's the thing i don't know oh okay so there's a couple things i feel right now about what you just said yes i'm like am i so burnt out with like men that i also am starting to find them just like all ugly and unattractive and even the attractive ones i'm like yeah whatever like i don't know you're probably probably got a pea-sized brain like uh and then here's the thing the apps I'm like a lot of those guys on there I guess you want them to be attractive but if you look at my track record if I were to tell you names and show you photos with the exception of like one or maybe one to three of the guys I've ever dated

they're not like I will probably not swipe right on most of the guys I dated yeah that's the thing when you meet a guy in real life you're like oh this is great I love your personality I like the way you speak to me there's I like you as a person but then like a picture then yeah you're just this you're

you look wild like you have weird eyes yes uh huh your hair's just like men also don't take good pictures. No, they don't. And that's what I can imagine. So for me, even like, I recently had a dating app and I deleted it yesterday.

I wish I would have kept it so that I... Which one was it? Hinge. I had Hinge. Okay, yeah, I'm on Hinge. Yeah, I was... I'll tell you about it.

It's bad. Wait, can you tell me about... Yes, yes. Have you talked about this on a podcast, that man you went out with and then he called his mom? Oh my gosh, I haven you talked about this on a podcast, that man you went out with, and then he called his mom? Oh my gosh, I haven't talked about this on a podcast.

Please tell that story. I've heard it, I think, twice now, and it's just wild. It's insane. I said insane. It's so crazy that I made up a word called insane. That's what it is, though. Insane plus sad is the story. And it's also sad because while it's happening, I'm like, this is bad.

But it's like, anyway. Okay, I'll tell you. Carl has made fun of me so much for this. Wait, did you meet him on an app? I met him on an app. On Tinder? On Hinge, actually. And so I didn't just have like a solid Hinge run.

I had been on Hinge last year, deleted it, and then just got on it truly a week ago and deleted it within a week. I was like, I don't need to be on here. So I met this guy on Hinge. Last year, I'm going to give the whole context is that I had dated a legitimately crazy person. I had dated a legitimately like crazy person that that's actually what drove me to therapy because I was like, am I seeing the world as it is? Or maybe is my sense of reality like thwarted? I don't know. So I am thwarted.

Thwarted is a good word. It's just like in sun. It's in sun. I'm thwarted and in sun. They know what I mean. Thwarted and warped together means thwarted Okay so I'm like okay I need to change my type

I heard someone talk about changing their type And I was like yeah maybe that's what it is Maybe I like the wrong kind of guys And I want to give them the time of day Was he good looking in his picture? This guy? Yes He was fine looking

And Carl this is what he makes fun of me for Because I'm like he was fine looking. And Carl, this is what he makes fun of me for because I'm like, he was fine looking, like a white dude who was a dentist. And I just thought, you seem safe, not because he's white, but I'm just like. A dentist? Yeah, he's a dentist. What a safe thing.

You're in mouths all day. Yeah, you're in mouths. You can't be that offensive. Yeah, what are you gonna, you're in mouths all day. You have patients of all kinds of varieties. You also are not in this comedy world where you're meeting a million people a day and thus won't commit to a person whatever so i'm like this is safe this this could be interesting um and i can't remember there's something in his bio oh oh i now remember okay this is good because i haven't told this part his like or his um one of his questions you have to answer questions on hinge whatever uh one of his things was like uh I love sushi I love shopping blah blah blah blah

like every LA girl saying they're not an LA girl some shit like that and I was like that's kind of funny whatever I didn't laugh out loud but I was like okay he's trying he's trying and so I was like okay so I uh matched with this guy we start talking um and then he was like, okay. So I matched with this guy. We start talking. And then he was like, we should go out sometime. And I was like, cool, for sure. So he calls me and I was like, oh, okay. So I love a man calling. And I know everyone, that's up for debate for people.

But I'm like, I don't know. I'm old. Like, please call me. It's nice and it's thrilling because you're like, what do I do? Do I answer it? Do I send it to voicemail? I'm going to have to call him back. I don't know. I answer it do I send it to voicemail I'm gonna have to call him back I don't know I love it I love it I love them calling so he calls I answer

I'm on my way to a show but we're talking a little bit and I was like hey do you call every woman like you like kind of want to go out with from the app or whatever he's like yeah I do okay hindsight's 2020 he says this he's like you know just to like make sure like the conversation's not weird and like she can carry a conversation's like you know just to like make sure like the conversation's not weird and

like she can carry a conversation and I you know like I uh went out with a girl once who like we were messaging on the app and it was fine and then like we got to the date because I hadn't called and like she just like couldn't hold a conversation and I was like okay whatever so then he's like let's go out I'm going to Australia in like two weeks um and then I was like, yeah, and I'm very, very busy. I was like trying to do my show. So I was like, I'm pretty busy, but like possibly Saturday could work. And he's like, okay, great. Let's like plan for Saturday.

The next day I get a text from him and I was like, cool, I got to go get a text from him the next day. That's like, this is exactly how the text is. Hey, I know we said we'd possibly go out on Saturday but I just remembered I have a thing period that's I don't even know what I was like okay I mean okay okay he has a thing but at that time too my mind was very like I've been through some shit I was like my mind space then was very much um don't be worried like don't let a guy whatever the fuck he's doing consume you and like you start thinking about it and being offended I was just like whatever I don't let a guy, whatever the fuck he's doing, consume you. And like you start thinking about it and being offended. I was just like,

whatever. I don't care that much about dating right now, but I want to be open. So I was worried I was turning into a jaded woman at that time. So I was like, I was like, let me just be open. Cool.

You want to meet? You don't, whatever. So I was like, whatever, dude, didn't think about it. he goes,

I was like, that's just a weird and abrupt way to cancel. Um, I like that. You said that. Did you say that to him? I didn't say it but it was like a thought I just go okay cool no worries

That's what I said Because I really was like I may never see you again But I was like I read that text and I was like Do you have Asperger's? Because that's not how you can't No it's just someone you're trying to get to know And I don't think people should explain

Why they can't do something But if you are trying to get to know. Yeah. And I don't think people should explain why they can't do something. Absolutely. But if you are trying to get to know this person, you can explain what that thing is. Yes, yes. And just, or it'd be like, I just. What do you know about my life? Right. Hey, like, I realize I have so much shit to do before.

Oh, he was going to Australia in a week. That's what it was. I have so much shit to do before I go leave on Tuesday. And like. Yes. Even that. Would have been normal. I'd be like, of course.

Okay. Whatever. So he goes, it be normal? I'd be like, of course. Okay. Whatever. So he goes. He's gone for like two weeks. I truly don't think about him. That's not just me saying, whatever. And then I'm home for the holiday. Come back from the holiday.

It's after the new year now. So now I remember it was like January 3rd or something or 4th. I get a text from him. He's like, hey, how was your New Year's? And how was your holiday? I was like, oh, great. How was Australia? He was like, amazing.

I want to go back. He's like, I'd still want to get a drink if you're still down. And I was like, yeah, sure, whatever. And then he was like, OK, how's Saturday? And I said, I have, I was like, I'm available 7 to 9 p.m. on Saturday. And I said. I love it. You gave available 7 to 9 p.m. on Saturday. And I said. I love it. You gave him a two hour window.

I did because that's what it was. And I was like, you canceled so abruptly. Like, I'm not bending over backwards for you in any capacity. And I had two improv shows after. Yes. You need to get to those improv shows. You got to play make them ups. I'm kidding.

I do the same thing. No, I know. I will schedule dates in between like a stand-up show and an improv show or whatever because I'm like, I'm doing my thing.

You gotta do your thing though, Nicole. You get it though. You have to. I'm not gonna go to this show because maybe this guy is probably gonna end up being a dick or wasting my time.

Like doing a show is gonna be a hundred times more fulfilling than meeting up with some dude where you're like, uh, he's bad. Yes, exactly. So I was like, and you canceled so abruptly. Maybe I would have like finagled this a little bit.

But I was like, no, that's, you have two hours. And he goes, oh, we're doing windows now. And I was like, yep, that's what we're doing. You're a dentist. You understand appointments. Yeah, exactly. It's your appointment time. You have some seven to nine.

So we go, we meet up. He was like, okay, I'm narrowing it down to two places this is when i lived on the west side so he's like okay how about this place or this place i picked one of the places uh and we get there and i see him standing outside i get there we hug and then he's like oh i didn't realize there was a game going on and so like this is like is like, it's very game energy. Like whatever, basketball, I don't know what game it was. Some game. Oh, okay. I thought you said gay at first. No.

That's so strange that you didn't clock that. He was like, there's a lot of gay. There's a lot of gays in there. There's a lot too much gay. So there's gay energy happening. And then me being like,

I don't want to go energy too gay. Yeah, and me like, okay, yeah, that's fine. Absolutely. You get a lot of gay energy. Okay, so game energy. There's a game. There's there's a game yeah so there's a game and everyone's screaming and i don't know so then we're like okay uh let's go to the other place that we can't but one of the things he says to me before we're waiting for an uber he calls an uber and he goes yeah so it's it sucks you have to go somewhere at nine because my um mom and dad bought tickets to some

like performance art show my mom is sick but my and my brother and his wife also have a ticket to this and like if you didn't have to go somewhere i would have said so on your first date he wants you to fucking meet his family yes yes no that's the wildest thing i've ever heard and i was like yeah i guess it's a good thing i have a show at 9 30 so like meet your family and be like i don't even know him i don't right i was like that's crazy now also to call the like men making me meet their family is like is a running theme in your life yes yes yes because you it's so funny that men immediately you're like this is my mom and you're like please don't no i really don't like hello no and that's the thing is like i love meeting parents as my friend's parents i just love meeting people's parents i'm like oh cool let me like see

you but not to do that you have no fucked yet no i don't at all or have fucked two days ago i don't want to meet your i don't want to meet your parents i do't want to meet your parents. I do not want to meet your parents. That's weird. So I met, okay, so then we didn't meet his parents. We go to this other bar, go to the fucking bar, and then we're at the state. He says to me, I'm like, I got to give you guys the context for this, what happens next, because we're not even into thick.

We're going to get into thick. Okay, so we go to into thick. We're going to get into thick. Okay. So we go to the bar. We're talking. I say to him, he says, I like rap that says something. Like rap with a message. And I'm like, okay. And I used to be a hip hop connoisseur and thought I wanted to be an A&R.

For real. What's A&R? Like artists and repertoire. They find talent and develop musical talent. All right. For two seconds, I was like, that's what I want to do. I love music. in repertoire they like find talent and like and like develop like musical talent yes for two seconds i was like that's what i want to do i love music so then um i was like okay all right let's see it's a pink flag what he says that so i'm like okay it's not quite red it's not like a rose colored flag maybe magenta yeah exactly i'm like okay okay and i was like well

who are your favorite rappers and he's like so he so he says, okay, I got to remember Eminem. And I thought that was the first one. Yes. He is really saying something. He's going to murder his wife. Yes, exactly. Every album. Yes.

Kim's going to get it. Lots of F words and lots of homophobia. Lots of F words. And so I was like, okay. And I thought maybe there are some black people who would say Eminem as well. And you know what, Nicole, that's the crazy thing is that when I walked away from the situation and now talking about it, I'm like, no, I actually don't know a black person who'd be like, in my top three rappers, Eminem. You respect Eminem, but he's not in your top three. No offense, Eminem, if you're a listener.

Yeah, right. Eminem's always listening to a dating podcast. Imagine him just sitting in Detroit being like, why won't nobody date her? listener yeah right you know eminem's always listening to a dating podcast imagine he's just sitting in detroit being like why won't nobody date her what have we found i would love that i would it would be amazing i would love that it would really make my day um so he likes eminem then he goes logic okay and i was like logic is white but he is a little black to be fair he is black but he looks like he looks white so he's the one who's got that suicide song yes yes okay and then he goes and then you you might know

g-easy these are his top three g-easy fucker then i get some money g-easy i mean g-easy if you're a listener you corny as fuck isn't he when he performs he like a biggest grin on his face, like a pompadour. He looks like he came out of the auditions for Grease. I feel like you get me because I also, last year I was telling Hilary Matthews, I was like, I don't like him. I was like, he's really fucking corny. Corny is exactly, I was like, he's trying so hard. Like so fucking, I watched him in some video Cardi B posted on her Instagram like last summer and he like hops out of a van

and like gives her a gift from I don't know if it was like a YSL gift and I was like you are a fucking corny and tried real hard to be cool real real hard that fucking

that one song he's got is it the fucker that I get some money on it ain't safe for the black or the white girl or no is it not no that's that song.

But that song's only good when he has everybody featuring on it. And I'm like, there's five different people and then you're like, yeah, yeah, yeah. In the video,

he's... I know. Okay, so his favorite rappers are three white rappers. So I said to him, I said, hey, you just named three white guys.

Like, that's right. And we live in, Nicole, this was actually the moment I realized we live in a bubble because he's a year older than I am. I really didn't know we lived in a bubble. I mean, I guess the election should have told me. But like more so like in our age group, I'm like people our age don't aren't like this. So I go, you just named three white guys. And I think any guy in comedy would have been like, oh, yeah yeah fuck what have i done no and he was like yeah he was like oh that's funny he's like that's funny and he's like my opinion stands yeah he was like that's

funny and i was like no i'm not making a joke i'm just telling it's also very funny that he said he likes rap that makes a statement. Yes. And then named three white guys when rap was birthed as like a fuck you to the establishment and being oppressed. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. What a dream.

What a dream. It was incredible. And I thought, okay, whatever. So then we go, that's part of, that's a small part of the day. What happens is we have a little bit of a hiccup in between first date and second and I was like hey you can't like pull college boy shit with me

as in like we're supposed to go out on whatever day and then we don't hear from you and I was like I went to a party with my friend anyway

but I was just like you just don't do that because I don't care enough about dating I need to make it really clear to you like right now in my life this is not a priority for me you're taking up fucking space and we're gonna hang out we're gonna hang out exactly and i was like

so you can't pull that because i will just cut you off real fast um and so then he's like okay no no i want to see you again we go on a second date he picks me up uh we're driving to a restaurant uh maybe five minutes from my house and his mom calls on the car phone and i was like pick up calls on the car phone and I was like pick up and he did but I was joking I was joking um and he's like uh he's like hey mommy um and I was like I can't believe I can't okay I love it mommy mommy and I was like I wish it was mumsy I would have liked that more he He says, hey, mommy. And I was like, why would you say that in front of me? I don't like. And then she's like, hey, how was your doctor's appointment?

And he was like, oh, it was good. Like, I guess he hadn't been to the doctor in a while. He was like, it was good. He said everything's fine. And she was like, oh, who was the doctor? Was it a white guy? And he was like, yes, yes. And he was like, no, he was like uh no he was like no um it was

a young black guy and she was like oh okay and i didn't know what to make of that i didn't i couldn't i was like it's very fucking weird that you're even asking like who i didn't understand what from that conversation made you be like there shouldn't have been anything but like maybe he has a limit of colored folk he's allowed to talk to in a week. That's what. Was the doctor black? And then he was like, no, black guy, whatever. And she was like, okay.

And I was like, okay. So then they're talking some more. And then I'm like, this is crazy because he has not told her she's on the car felt like that. He's with somebody. There's a passenger who he's met all of one time. And then we're driving again. We're going to be at the restaurant any minute. And then he's like all of one time and then we're uh driving again we're gonna be at the restaurant any minute and then he's like okay well i have to go he's she's like what are you doing and he's like i'm going on a date and it's like no no no you're on you're on the date the date started when you picked me up like we're on the date and then she's like oh

with who your neighbor and he's like no and then she's like the greek girl and he's like, no. And then she's like, the Greek girl? And he's like, no. And then she's like, well, who then? Who? The black girl? And he's like, yeah. And then she says, oh, the black girl. See, he had hit his quota of black people for the day. It was too much for her. It's less than one.

It was less than one? The quota is less than one. The quota is like, don't even look at a black person and he is touched now too yes yes and she goes oh the black girl true that i could interpret as true disappointment it was not the same as they're like oh okay the doctor's black and i was like oh the black girl and then then there's a beat and then she's like she was cute and i'm thinking you showed your after date. Which is so fucking weird. It's weird. And then she was cute.

And then he's like, yeah, uh-huh. Gets off the phone. We're walking to the, because he's parked by now. Walking into the restaurant. And he's like, man, did you see me the whole time? I was like so nervous with my mom on the phone. And I was like, no, I didn't look at you. Because this was crazy that you picked up.

Like, what the fuck? And then he's like, I was so worried. I was like, man, is she going to say something racist? i was so worried like like i was like man is she gonna say something racist is my mom racist and i was like i was like yeah yeah your mother is this is a game show there's a lot of game show is my mom racist you gotta ask she is she is yeah i have a dear friend whose mom I see all the time. But she, I don't know if she's racist, but she always likes to bring up racial things. Yes, yes. She, last time I saw her, she was like, he told her not to say anything racial when I got there.

He was like, mom, let's not talk about black people. Let's not talk about race. Yes. But she couldn't help herself. She was like just moving in her seat. And she was like, can I tell you about when I played bowling? When I bowled? I was like, yeah, tell me about when you bowled.

She was like, I was on a team with all these black guys. And we took a picture. And I was in the middle. And I was like, guys, we're in Oreo. And then she laughed super hard. I didn't laugh. My friend didn't laugh. And then she was like, aren't I funny?

I was like, yeah, you're funny. And then she had said, okay, sorry. Okay, we're going to take a quick, quick break, but we'll be back. And we're back. All right, I want you to go through my Tinder profile. Okay, okay. And tell me what you think. Okay.

Listeners, I have changed it, so get ready. Okay. All right, oh my goodness. All right. Okay, so describe what you see. Okay, Nicole, I see Nicole with a diptych side-by-side picture where you split the picture. Nicole is eating what looks like top ramen with chopsticks. Is it top ramen or is it regular ramen?

It's top. It's the cheapest one. Okay, it looks like top ramen with chopsticks. She doesn't have a top on, but the side-by-side comparison is a picture from Kim Kardashian's Instagram who is also eating noodles with chopsticks and also has no top on. Their hair looks very similar. I tried my best to recreate that picture.

It's my favorite thing. Honestly, okay, Nicole, I do really love this picture, though. I mean, if you were trying to be funny, I mean, sure, it's funny, but I'm like, this is amazing. Thank you. I really love this.

Also, the chopsticks are just two knives. I know. I was going to say your chopsticks look a little thick. They look a little thick in the middle. Did not have chopsticks in my house. Wait, this is very good. Do you get comments on this, by the way? I just put it up.

Oh, it's very good. Thank you. Her picture made me laugh so hard because I was like, what came first? Because the caption was noodles. Yes, yes. I was like, did the pun come first? Or did Kim take her shirt off in a restaurant? And everyone was like, Kim, you're nude.

Noodles. And honestly, it does look like a restaurant because that tabletop is like granite. Yes. It's like a granite table. She's not at home. She's not. She's out in nude. No, she's not at home.

Well, I love this one. Okay, wait. Thank you. She's not. She's out and nude. No, she's not at home. Well, I love this one. Okay, wait. Thank you. That's a great. Okay. Then followed by a picture of you at a bar. You have a pineapple top on your head, but you're holding the other half of the pineapple as your beverage, contains your beverage.

So you're at a bar. You look very beautiful, like happy and jovial. Yes, I like this photo. You look so happy and like goofy. Okay, great. Hold on. Then we have you with the Barbie. Is that a Barbie truck? Okay, Barbie truck squatting.

You're doing the prison squat. You know the prison squat we got to post for your prison. Get all the boys in the picture. Now I just want to go backtrack though. First one, hair is like Kim Kardashian's. It's like a purplish, pinkish.

Yes. Second one, curly hair. Third one, highlighted like brown, golden hair. This is beautiful. I'm just like, okay. You're giving them all the looks. Okay. And then the next photograph is you with a contraption of a different.

Is it a dildo? I'm such a prude that I'm like what is that that was very funny a contraption of sorts what could it be oh Dios mio it's a dildo clutching my pearls

you truly clutched your pearls and I loved it oh because also wait let me to be fair I am a prude

but also there are like she put like emoji like eyes on the thing like a mouth she put like emoji like eyes on the thing. Like a mouth. She put a mouth and eyes and a nose. Okay.

And so this is, okay, short hair. You're giving bedroom eyes in this one. This is good. So it's like I have sex is what this one says. And then this next one is a cat suit. Yes, bitch. Show that body-ody-ody. And she's climbing an empty bookshelf.

I love it. Okay. With the ballet flats on. Okay. I love it. And it's showing the body. It's like a good view of the butt. It's a real view of like what if we-

Got a big old juicy booty. She's got a nice juicy butt. I don't want to swipe. I don't want to look at any other ones. This is good. And then, okay, then picture of- Is this you and your dog? Yes.

Okay, you and your dog. She loves pets. I'm just interpreting what all this means. Loves pets. Loves her dog. Okay, very good. And then with glasses, we've got the glasses look. This is great.

I love this. Okay, now we have you and your cigarette and your coffee. Very New York. On a New York street. Great. She's about her fucking. I love this. Wait, no you and your cigarette and your coffee very New York on a New York street great she's about her I love this wait no

let me read the bio or whatever okay I guess the wildest fact about me is eating cake pays my mortgage paying homage

to Nailed It yes yes so you don't have to ask yes I'm just telling you without saying it yes but do you think but like if someone hadn't seen nailed it they'd be like wait explain to me how i can pay my mortgage by eating cake right well i see there's several different ways you can put

you can set up a pay wall and people can pay and then you can eat some cake a patreon one of those one of those things n Nicole, I like this. Thank you. What was popping off on here before and what were some problems? So I didn't have the little emoji eyes over the dildo. So men would just be like,

oh yeah, baby, I'm down to fuck or whatever. Okay, okay. And then I also started sending people messages on Bumble where I'd say something fun. Fun, fresh, and easy, if you will. Okay. Last night I sent, if you were a dolphin, what would your name be?

And he unmatched me. What? Yeah, baby. Why? I mean, how could we know? How could we know definitely this is what's curious for me i don't like bumble because i think it's for cowardly men who like want a woman to initiate that i think they like hide behind the guise of like oh no this is like

super feminist and i know a woman founded bumble whatever but i feel like the guys on there are just like yeah this is where to go like woman has to talk to me i get to if they talk to me like i can match them if they talk to me, I can match with them. If they talk to me, easy peasy for me from there. But it's like, honestly, it's easy peasy for you from there on an app with any woman

on any other fucking app because we're on a fucking app and we both said, I think you're attractive. I think you're attractive. Please initiate the conversation, man. Yes. On Tinder, when I used to be on there

and it'd be like, you have all these matches, no one's saying a fucking word yes that's my issue right now and i'm like well why don't we match one i also don't understand why i match with men on bumble and then i say something and then they're like no thank you have you ever okay here's a question have you ever said that just like hey how's your day going which is that i think has been getting that gets me more responses than my interesting ones. Yes, uh-huh. Like, I said this on the last podcast,

but here's one I sent to this man who didn't respond. Okay. Okay, would you rather eat tinfoil every day for the rest of your life or turn into a potato every night for an hour? I think they're scared. Not of, like, that you're crazy. I think that they're like, uh, I can't keep up.

Because I would answer that. If a dude said to me that, I'd answer that. In fact, I was having like a banter of sorts with some dude. What app was that on? I was on Coffee Meets Bagel for a quick second. Real boring. And I was having that banter. But he kept it going for hours.

That kind of shit. And I was like, okay, no. We need to like talk regularly. And then I was like, all right, I'm bored by you. Because he was asking me shit like that. And I was like, okay, need to like talk regularly and then I was like alright I'm bored by you because he was asking me shit like that and I was like okay cool and I'm gonna toss you one and we can toss it back and I'm like okay after like an hour of that we need to just

have a normal conversation all I want is like you to be like oh tee hee hee she's silly and maybe a little whimsical let me answer it in a way see I'm waiting for someone to answer one of these questions because guys have answered, but like very boringly. Yes.

Because I'm like, okay, how am I eating the tinfoil? Rolls of tinfoil? Or like a bit with food? Yes, yes, yes. And then when I turn into a potato every night for an hour, what time? Yes, I was going to say that changes things. And do I have a roommate? And like, how does that, do I tell my roommate?

Yes, yes. Will they keep me safe? Is there a possibility that you could get eaten? I could get eaten? Am I outside? Can a coyote take me and eat me? Yes. There's so many, and that's what I want someone to be like,

to be able to break down a joke, I guess. Yes, I mean, but that's the thing, and be open. Because I'm like, obviously, okay, I'm willing to to give people the benefit I think a lot of people are crazy but I'm willing to give people the benefit of the doubt and be like you're saying so if you did message me that I'd be like okay they're just trying to have not your fucking typical boring like how's your day or week going so I would I'd be like let me answer that or maybe throw them back at you or we could like have a breakdown of it. And then like, great.

This person's interesting. I'm interested. Right. But I don't I think men are intimidated because I very recently we have this whole like women not being funny. Like this is like five years ago. I had a friend who was like I had met him at this New Year's thing and we he became friends with me and a bunch of my girlfriends. And we were on a group text. It was just him. And he was like, before i met you guys i didn't know women were funny and i'm like what and i think that's yeah depressing the way men think of women i do you

know i do a lot of shows yeah and i did this one show where afterwards this man came running up to me. He's like, whoa, you were so funny. I've never seen a funny woman. What? And I was like, what? I was like, surely you have. You have, exactly. You have, I promise you have. And then he was like, well, can you give me the names of some funny women?

I said, I'm not doing your homework. What? Just go online and watch some stand-up. I promise you will find some. There are so many funny women i know more funny women than i know funny men straight up i agree yeah well and i think they're getting thrown for a loop and get really intimidated by like i matched um with a guy on hinge right before i deleted it like last week and his pictures he had like six pictures in the same outfit with

velcro sandals and they were like he like had one of his face and then one of his full body pointing to the sandals and then one in the bathtub with the full outfit with the sandals he thought he was yes so i matched with him to be like this guy thinks he's funny so let's see so he messages me something oh no i said i was like uh do you do you bath in your clothes to save time? And he's like, yeah, but sometimes I go to the office dripping wet and then was like, you know, throwing buzzwords at me. So then I threw some back at him like, yeah, I get it. Time management, rolling calls. Like, I understand. And he didn't know what to do because he was like, no, I'm supposed to be funny.

Not even saying that I was so funny. It was that I was like, I'm not scared of this. Let's have this conversation about you fucking taking a bath in your full outfit even though you don't but i think he was just like what yeah no no i'm the one you're supposed to go teehee and be like what do you what what do you mean and then i was like oh you're scared but i think that they are just genuinely like so many of them are like she's asking me she's not saying hey name what are you up to like and they're like, no, what? Because why would they unmatch you?

Because that's the only plausible reason I could think of. I guess, I don't know. I went on a date with a man, and I was very funny on the date. Like, ooh-wee, firing on all cylinders. And he just, he would like, I would say a joke that was funny. And then he would blink at me and then continue his boring story what and i was like whoa are you like gaslighting me to my face to be like you're not funny wow anything funny it was really it was mind-boggling wow and i usually don't tell people

i'm a comedian unless they know or something comes up like so i was out ran into a friend she was like you're funny at that show the other night and then uh the guy i was with was like what do you mean show and i was like oh i'm a i do comedy and he was like oh cool well we haven't really talked about your job yet so like what do you do besides comedy and i was like oh no um i make my living doing comedy he's like yes but how and i was like uh i'm an actress and i like i do stand up and uh like i i tour and then he was like yeah but like what do you do during the week and i was like i don't i don't know how to what i don't know how to break this down to you that like i don't expect everyone to know who i am but if i say i make my living doing comedy like that's it

yeah no that's i just told you that's what i i tore for stand-up and that happens during the week i'm a dj i wouldn't have been like what do you do during the week i'd be like oh i guess you dj i don't know that's how you make your money he couldn't wrap his head around that a woman could have a successful career as a comedian he was like just like so close to being like but what do you file for your taxes as your occupation so like comedy like i do i actually do comedy yeah i don't think that they're i think that okay this is another thing as a funny woman i'm like i'm sure men are just in so intimidated they're so intimate and that guy that doing that blinking that is infuriating me honestly it made me i'm boiling right now a little bit thinking

about it like who the fuck are you oh I was floored oh and then he goes I have some friends that do comedy too they just took like a one on one class and I was like baby I've been taking

one on one since 2008 yes I've been doing this for 10 years yeah yeah I got friends that did one on one

right now yeah they're I'm not like your friends I have an actual job I'm doing it I'm doing it that was a long time ago for me. Do you understand?

I'm so mad about this guy though right now. He was a piece of trash. Nicole the Blinking. I'm really, really mad. What a dickhead. And then just continue his boring. Oh, so boring. Oh, that's the other thing.

By the way. All right. Gotta get on this. How do you feel about this? Do men ever make you carry the conversation on a date where you're like, I'm putting on a show for you. That shit is also. It's exhausting. Yes. like I'm putting on a show for you that shit is also exhausting

and I'm mad about it cause I'm like you guys that call where I tell you the dude was like oh I wanted to see if you could carry a conversation cause I went on a date with this girl who couldn't and I was like you're boring you are boring yes it's you it's like well I don't know you're not adding anything why

should I add anything you are being awful yes when I went on the second date with him I was like let me take the back seat because he thought the first one was great but I was on and not because I was trying to impress him I'm like I'm here for two hours I may as well have a good time myself and entertain me and so the second date I specifically made a decision to like I'll take a little more of a back seat what's our conversation gonna be if i leave it to him and it was just lots of like awkward like uh silences and like didn't and like start of topics and like he didn't know what and i was like you're boring most of you it's like you know women can't carry a conversation and women aren't funny you guys are yeah why should i put in all of the work for you to be

like the star wars yeah Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Fucking care about star. No one cares. I don't ever want to hear about star Wars ever. And it makes me so mad when they're like, Oh yeah, let me keep,

or when they are talking and it's like, you realize what you're telling me is so boring. I have, I, this has rarely happened to me, but I now notice it when it does, where I'm like, someone is telling me a story and I'm truly not checked I mean I'm not checked in and not even it's just like this is a bad boy you're just kind

of blinking at them you're like oh they're gonna stop talking at some point and they're gonna ask you what I think and I'm gonna say yeah I guess and it's not gonna be that's not the correct I have a friend who always just goes that's crazy I'll be like that's your the correct answer. I have a friend who always just goes, that's crazy. And I'll be like, that's your response to everything. I went to the supermarket today. That's crazy. Oh man.

I mean, that's a good plan. Okay, wait, all right. Have you been on coffee meets bagel? You said, I hate it. You have to get like beans to set up people?

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Like what the fuck? Is this a video game? What is it? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like what the fuck? Is this a video game? What is it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's supposedly for like the serious dater.

And my cousin found her boyfriend a coffee meets bagel, but I'm like, bitch, like you probably put in so much work. So much time and money and collecting beans. Yes, yes. But collecting beans is what makes me angry. Stop it, she's so furious. It makes me so mad. was like i have to do i can't like him i need more beans i know i know i don't do what i have to play a game to get more

right or i have to buy beans yeah that shit is bullshit i and it's also the beans low-key cost like the cost of some dating like subscribing to dating yes like a whole dating service for 20 beans yeah and like the rate of inflation on this app is insane it's so bad it's bad but also I just signed up for a dating service did you did okay our friend yes okay great

she was like email these people I emailed them they gave me this big long question that I was like I don't know man okay I'm gonna ask you some questions that are from the questionnaire I can pull it up pull it up because I want to know what you said like your deal breakers were I don't know if I said any deal breakers

do we okay here's the thing about deal breakers I was thinking this when I was filling it out is like what are what are my deal breakers it's very hard to say like obviously being racist or homophobic. I should have said that.

Yeah. But I think it's almost like that's a given, right? Like that I don't want to date a racist or a homophobe. Okay. So let's see. Well, political views, I was like, probably liberal. Yes, probably. And they were like, do you want to marry someone of the same faith?

I said, I don't need a Jesus person. I don't need a Jesus person. Let's see. Nicole, these answers. By the way, this very serious dating service, matchmaking service, this is how Nicole's answering. Would you describe yourself as outdoorsy? Fuck no. Okay, I said no on that, too.

And then it said, please list your favorite hobbies. I said, oh, no. I don't know if i have hobbies i do comedy and have fun for a living so i don't need a creative outlet i'm also busy a lot oh no um i like to shop fuck wait did they respond to you did they they were did they say? They were like, great, we got it. They were like, can you clarify some of this? I was like, sure, sure. Oh, deal breakers. They said, I don't know yet. Oh, boy.

Are you a smoker? Yes, but I keep quitting. Do you do recreational or hard drugs? Yes, I'll try anything once. Nicole, this is the fun. Nicole is answering her serious dating service questions. This is very funny to me. Because this is a paid membership once you get it.

Describe your type if you have one. Taller than me, thick but not fat, smaller than me but can be chubby. I don't know. This is one of the ones they need a clarification on. And then I said, I don't know. No, I said, I don't know uh i don't wait no i said i don't know how to real big fatties have sex seems seems hard and like too much work i like big hands i don't know cool nicole i never read this after i sent it

nicole oh no what the fuck I think I'm insane oh no no maybe I should redo it and do it Nicole please please but they did answer me back

also so I emailed first I was like I got your name from a friend they were like okay and then I was like just quick question

you hook fatties up you tell me about that and they were like some of our members do you like bigger women and we have had success I was like cool cool cool

because I don't want to pay for nothing and then someone sees me and they're like duh too big because I know that like some men just truly don't like fat women

which is fine it's a preference whatever and some women don't like fat men and some women don't like skinny women yeah whatever but that was fair that's like fair to ask it's tempting to me to be like Some women don't like fat men and some women don't like skinny men. Yeah. Yeah. Whatever.

But that was fair. That's like fair to ask. It's it's tempting to me to be like, and I'm curious if all the people on that app are white. Like it's not an app. Sorry to be clear. All the clients service are white. I meant to ask that because I do think I want a black man.

Yeah. I think I do too. Okay. I'm scared now if I'm gonna say something offensive because i've dated mostly white dudes uh-huh and now i'm like i want and but then i have dated some black guys and i'm like i think i want a black man also i think i do i think there's like a cool understand so like specifically there was proud boys or whatever the fuck they're called all right people yeah at a bar in atwater close to where i live and i was like what if i

meet one of those men who's like not in uniform uh-huh and i was like come on let's go back to my house and then they hate cry me yes now i'm big as fuck so like i think it might be hard to hate cry right right right but like i'm so big that if you swing a bat, you'll hit me. Yeah, no. You know? So like, I don't want to get caught up in that. Yes, yes, yes. So I was like, maybe I don't date white dudes until everybody gets their racism under control. Right. Well, this is the thing is, of course, you know that like, we know that not all, I feel like the alt-right guys wouldn't want to talk to us anyway.

Like, I don't think, I think they'd be this is mind-boggling to me um my friend like two years ago no it was fucking last year she's talking about some co-worker of hers i was like oh everyone thinks rihanna's hot unless like they just like don't like her face but everyone thinks she's hot and then uh she was like no not true i heard these white boys talking at a bar like last week and they were like okay if you had to choose between i don't know if it was like demi lovato and rihanna who would you pick and the guy can't say demi lovato no no but the guy goes that's easy i don't like i don't think black girls are attractive so like demi lovato that's so wild to me i think black women are beautiful i know just like gorgeous gorgeous creatures i'm sitting here right now a minute to like get to that place where I was like

I like my big nose I like my big lips I like the way I look I think I'm stunning yes you are I'm sitting here right now shook like her nails I just wanted the pops of color in her outfit her hair her nails she looks great thank you but

even for me too I mean you too it doesn't make sense is that guys would be like i just want a girl who wants to have fun and has a personality i'm like you have you're funny you have a personality and you're beautiful and like you have a career and you're successful why the fuck are you single if you don't want to be but i will say like i took a long time as well to it was like i told my friend it's like being like an out of the closet black person because i'm nigerian too and so much of i grew up around white people so it was very much like, no, I'm like you, see?

See, no, I'm like you. And I was never like ashamed of my identity per se. No, but you don't want to be different. Yes. You're like, I'm just like you. It's okay. Ego, we do have to wrap up.

Okay. I ask all of my guests, except for Carl Tartt because I forgot. Would you ever date me? Yes! Are you kidding me? Yes! Yes, it'd be so fun!

Oh, thank you! And unpredictable and we'd fly first class places. Yeah, we would not. I would. And I would let you walk past me and I would have no issues about it. That's my girl. I would say goodbye, darling. See you when we left.

Whenever we would go, oh, she has to go in the back with the others, I'd be like, yes, if this plane goes down first, we get off first. That's so sad. Alright, Eggo, do you have anything you want to promote? See my show

Great Black Women and then there's me I may do it again and I may not um there we go and also come to my Twitter

and Instagram I'm at eggyboom on Instagram at eggy underscore boom on the Twitter do you have a website no website

should I get one I mean it's been easy some lady yelled at me in the street she was like why don't you have a website? And I was like, I don't know.

And I had a whole website saga where this lady took my name, NicoleBeyer.com. I remember I saw you post about that on Instagram, I think. Now it's just NicoleBeyerWasTaken.com. But it makes it easier because then people are like, well, where can I see your show dates? And you're like, this one place. Okay, yeah. So I say, and Wix is very, Lauren Lapkus was like, Wix is easy. And her website's gorgeous.

Okay. Because I emailed her and was like, this is great. Who did this for you? And she's like, me, bitch. Really? And I was like, yes, girl. Okay. Okay.

Okay. All right. It's done. Okay. So if you, Wix is not a sponsor. I know. It's a great platform. If you like this episode of Why won't you date me please uh

subscribe rate it five stars um and if you say something nasty in the little comment section i'll read it this person j-z-u-l-u-95 said i want to give you the kentucky klondike bar the act of freezing a bowel movement and sexually penetrating another frozen bowel movement, which doesn't quite make sense because do I have to get in a freezer for my shit to freeze? Yeah, that's I'm curious now.

Cause I thought he was going to say freezing the bowel movement and then fucking me with the like frozen poop. Right? Yeah. So J Z U-U-L-U-95. I'd love some clarification as to what this sexual act is. But thank you for the five-star review. And yeah, bye-bye. This has been a Team Coco production.