Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Nicole Does a Live Tarot Reading (w/ Inessa Frantowski)

Episode Date: November 30, 2018

Inessa Frantowski (UCB) performs a live tarot reading for Nicole, and boy, are the results dark. They also discuss at what point in the relationship do you have 'the talk', and changing yourself to attract potential partners. Nicole's giving up and starts scheming up a way to be on 90 Day Fiance.Be sure to rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Leave a dirty comment for a chance have it read on-air.Follow Nicole Byer:Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdatesTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerFacebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedy

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Oh boy! Welcome to Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast where I try to figure out how I'm still single even though I will let you tie me up

and you can not even have sex with me and leave me in a room for a couple days and I won't call anybody to help. My guest today, you know her from the UCB show, I Want My Phone Back, Anessa Frantowski! Oh my goodness. Yeah, girl! I gotta tell you, I'm bursting at the seams to be here. I'm so excited to have you.

And you're gonna read my tarot cards. Yes, I should say that I am not, in fact, a professional psychic, or in fact psychic at all, but I do do this for a bit of or, in fact, psychic at all. But I do do this for a bit of fun, and I do have a pretty good sense of things. Okay, great. Should we just jump into this? Okay, sure. First of all, have you ever had your tarot cards read before? I have had my tarot cards read so many times.

You have? Okay. I've also seen mediums. I've had mediums speak to dead people on my behalf. Uh-huh. So yeah, I just had a tarot card reading at the opening of Ample Hills Creamery, which is an ice cream shop that I talk about ad nauseum. And they're on Hillhurst.

They're open in LA, baby. And you got to get the ooey gooey butter cake. Wow. I love them. They honestly don't pay me anything. But sometimes they send me free ice cream, which is great. And I just sent a bunch of ice cream to my friend's daughter for her birthday. It's the best gift.

Oh, that's such a nice thing. I just sent a candy basket to my nephew and he loved it. It's a nice thing to be like, someone thought of me and they sent me exactly what I love. I'm a child who loves ice cream. Yeah. Okay. Fabulous. Okay. Alright. So you've had this now. Okay. So I had a thought about what I wanted to do. So I

could do like a couple different readings and I have a couple different sets of cards that I can talk to you about. So I have the first set and then after that I feel like maybe you want to pull a goddess card, which is from a different set. And then I have my own set that I've made myself for a bit of light fun.

And I brought some supplies so you can draw your own card as well. Okay, perfect. Let's just jump right into it. Okay, so I'm going to hand you this. And I guess since we're on a podcast where we're going to be chit-chatting about the subject as you shuffle these

cards I just want you to like feel kind of like what you want to ask or talk about. Okay. And then like you can talk about it out loud if you want because this is again a podcast but you know just like what's on your mind? Obviously the subject of the podcast. Obviously love. Yes. Sex. Yes. Relationships.

Coming. Dicks. Love, sex, relationships, coming, dicks, pusses, clits. Very good stuff. And then how well do I have to shuffle these? You know what? Just shuffle to your heart's content as much or as little as you like. Have a bit of fun with it. I'm bad at shuffling. You know what?

Honestly, I think the way you shuffle is pretty cool too. I think you're doing things your own way and there you go. Okay. Okay. This is fantastic. Okay. I think I shuffled to my heart's content. Okay.

So put them face down when you're done with that. Okay. Okay. It's very riveting to watch here. Okay. And then put them face down when you're done with that. Okay, it's very riveting to watch here. Okay. And then put them face down and then cut them into three piles. Okay. Yeah. So this reading we're going to do is like we're going to have one card that's going to represent kind of the main deal.

And then three contributing factors. Okay. Three contributing factors. So kind of like the main issue at hand and then the three things that are kind of relating to it. Okay. So here we go. Okay. Oh boy. We got a bit of a sword cutting a worm in half there. Okay. Yeah. We got a lion. We got the strength card. Look at that. Okay. Oh my God. We got the emperor card. Look at that. Okay. Big old tree there. Okay. It seems like we got some eyeballs and some swords and some worms in there as well. Okay. So let's look at the main thing at hand. Okay. This is a five of swords. Okay. Okay. Self-destruction. Yet another card of warning.

The five of swords depicts the destruction of the self. You'll be lured into another situation or argument you know to avoid. Your selfishness and desire for power will lead you to defeat. Pain and discord will result. Wow. Okay. Okay. So this is a bit of a dark card, but it usually leads to a transformation.

So I'm selfish. I'm going to get into an argument. It's going to be my demise. Yeah. There'll be another argument. Okay. Now, does this remind you of anything? Because this isn't necessarily a present.

This could be at any time. Does this remind you of a time? I don't know if an argument led to my demise. Yeah, you seem to be not demised. But I do. I am hot-headed. I do get into a lot of fights with people at airports and malls and different places. So I don't think I've ever lost an argument

or like, I don't know. I get into a lot of fights with people yeah um not like friends or anything yeah but it's like uh you're passionate and you have like a sense of like like what's right and wrong and you know but again this doesn't necessarily have to be now or in the future this is is just the overall issue. Okay. Like this is the overall thing. Okay. So now let's, let's see how they relate. Okay. Mastery of emotions. It's common to think of this card as the roaring devouring side of the lion, but look again, the strength this card suggests is much deeper force that's found within. The lion represents our most patient composed self. He's a master of focus, compassion, and self-control.

When this card comes up, you're in need of harnessing this power for yourself. All the courage you need can be found in the muscle known as the heart. Okay. Okay. Okay. All right. So this might be about then, like, in relating to this card, this might be like learned how to like control your like emotions or something, you know? I do.

Well, kind of. I started taking ADHD medication and it's been a little bit easier to understand why I get so angry so quickly. And it's a lot of things so I have like been trying to uh be mindful when I get a little too heated or I get like a little too sad and be like well what is the actual cause of this like so I've just been trying to be more mindful which is something I'm working with with my therapist Mary yeah I love Mary well that's great yeah or like yeah like that's kind of like what it's sort of. And I mean like that, this is sort of about like,

yeah, kind of like the completion of that sort of like phase or whatever, so that you always have what you need or that sense of, you know, anyway, I like that line. Okay. All right.

So then let's go to our boy, the emperor. All right. Pretty good. Emperor is pretty good. Okay. The emperor. All right. Pretty good. Emperor is pretty good. Okay. The emperor. Protection, stability, the father.

The emperor is the father. He's the tarot's perfect counterpart to the empress. He represents the side of you that's protective, decisive, and truly stable. He brings clarity of mind, and this in turn leads to actions or decisions. Sometimes this card is literal and points to a paternal relationship in your life. At other times, it suggests reconnecting with the part of you that stands strong and tall and knows just what to do. With help from the sun, the emperor can see for miles and miles. Yes, I'm the daddy.

I love it. I'm the daddy who's in charge. Oh, okay. That's how I'm reading it. I love it I'm the daddy who's in charge Oh okay That's how I'm reading it I love that Well the thing is Is that you pick the cards in a way So that's what I think it is

I feel like if you pull a card It's like you're talking to yourself So it's however you interpret it Is you know right Great Nine of Swords Dark Visions Anguish

Oh this is a dark card Okay An extremely dark card the nine of swords reveals the deepest shadows of the self it indicates insomnia nightmares and worries in the midnight hour often these states are accompanied by guilt despair or even depression you'll be battling with yourself so turn to others for help find joy reach out i I mean, I do not sleep well at night, but I don't think it's like anguish. Yeah. Well, maybe it's just a gentle reminder to like, you know, turn to others for help or whatever if you feel like you need it. Maybe. If you're busy being a daddy lion. I'm a daddy lion.

And I'm a daddy lion who needs help sometimes. Okay, great. I love it. Let me pull a goddess card. Okay, let's do a goddess card. Those tarot cards were dark. They were. Wowza.

Let's do, should we do, let's do three goddess cards. Let's do a fresh. You know what? Because I tell you what, I did get those cards on Amazon.com, those rather tarot cards. Fair. I love it. You've got a book. The book tells you.

Okay. So these ones you take and these you deal yourself. Okay. Okay. Do I shuffle them? So first thing you do is knock on the top of them. Okay. That's supposed to like clear out anybody else's energy that's in them okay that's what this one says okay so this one you do yourself you shuffle it yourself okay all right shuffle shuffle shuffle okay, shuffled. Okay. And then cut the deck into three.

One. Oh, there we go. Two. And there we are. Three. There we go. And stack them up however you like. Okay.

Wow. Okay. Fantastic. Okay. Hand them back. Hand them back. All right. So this one we'll do past, present, future.

Great. Okay. We got Athena, inner wisdom. We got Guinevere, true love. And we got Callie, endings and beginnings. Okay. Okay, I like these. Okay, so this is much more upbeat, it seems, than the tarot cards from Amazon.com.

Honestly, listen, we all have a little bit of that. Okay. All right. Athena, inner wisdom. You know what to do. Trust your inner wisdom and take appropriate action without delay. Okay. So these cards are all different goddesses through many different cultures.

And so each one has a different meaning. So you're meant to sort of like call upon them or pray upon them. Okay. Message from Athena. This to sort of like call upon them or pray upon them. Okay. Message from Athena. This is sort of your past too. I'm happy to assist you. However, you'll be most thrilled when you first console your own inner bank of knowledge. For I assure you that the situation is already resolved and that you have access to all the wisdom that the universe supplies.

To access this wisdom, you must quiet your mind, surrender all worries and other concerns to the loving and almighty power of the universe. Close your eyes and note the thoughts and feelings that come streaming into your consciousness. If you like, you can ask me to give you a signal that you've heard your inner wisdom correctly, but have faith. How lovely. I assure you that I have heard and that your guidance brings you and your loved ones very good news indeed. Meanings of this card. Stop procrastinating. Stop giving away your power to others.

Trust your gut. Don't second guess yourself. You are correct. Notice reoccurring ideas and take action on them. Okay. All right. All right, Athena. I got it.

Yes, Athena. All right. Okay. Way right. All right, Athena. I got it. Yes, Athena. All right. Okay. Way more upbeat. Now we're talking. Okay, yeah. All right. Okay, let's go to present.

Guinevere. Guinevere. True love. The romantic stirrings in your heart have propelled the universe to deliver great love to you. Message from Guinevere. Romance is not an outmoded concept. Far from it. Romance is the time-honored precept of merging with the divine as it's manifest with another human being. Romance is also playfulness, which heralds springtime, flowers, and new life.

You needn't be in a partnership to evoke romance, however. You can manifest it for yourself through laughter, surrounding yourself with beauty, and indulging in luxurious treats. Romance is the life force

of the universe and a worthwhile goal indeed. Oh! So Guinevere's literally like, bitch, you gonna stay single and keep giggling oh my god i i she says it doesn't have to be i think it's just sort of like you know act as if or whatever or you know i enjoy um but it did say that you were gonna okay

let's read various meanings of this card. Your soulmate relationship has arrived or is soon arriving. Oh, what a treat. I want it. I want it so bad. Oh, I love it. I love it. Okay. There is renewed passion in an existing relationship.

Oh. Well, I did have a man on Bumble come back into my life. Oh, he's back in the picture, baby. Okay. You're a very romantic person. Of course. Your romantic needs aren't being met, and you must take steps to alleviate this, which you are. I'm trying.

You're doing just that. That's how I feel. I feel like there's only so much you can do. And if you do whatever you can, what else can you do? All right. And also, if you want to know any of the historical context of these goddesses as well, there's a little biography as well. But let me know. Do you want to know about Guinevere?

No. Okay. No. Yeah, okay. No, I got it. She wants me to treat myself and romance myself. But my soulmate apparently is coming. I'm fucking ready for it.

I hear you. Oh, for sure. All right. Okay. You see, if you knew, if like I could guarantee you and promise you they were, then you wouldn't, you know, worry about it. But there's no guarantee. No. We just sit and wait for things to happen.

Okay. So in your future card, Callie, endings and beginnings. The old must be released so that the new can enter. Okay. Message from Callie. I sing praises to those whose hearts accept the universal order, which only appears to be chaotic and ever-changing. In actuality, everything is designed down to the smallest detail to be in perfect operation. The dance of the universe is a happy one with energy swirling and twirling in a never-ending celebration of life itself.

Join this dance, dear one, and enjoy the remarkable journey of the weavings of the story of your life. Do not fear what appears to be a change or a loss. It's only the transitioning orbit of energy interplaying with you and your loved ones. Embrace it as evidence that you're alive. Embrace your deepest emotions as a signal of your true human essence. All right. Excuse me. I like these cards.

These cards are way more upbeat than the Daryl ones. I love it. Swirl around in my life. Live, live, live. My soulmate is coming, and I'm always right. Okay, great. Various meanings of this card. Your current changes are for the best.

Keep your thoughts positive as they are very powerful what appears to be a loss is really a beginning of a happy new phase let the past go it's time to move on okay okay alright do you want to hear a little bit about Callie? no

okay great well it's like if we didn't hear about Guinevere and Athena then we don't need to hear about Callie but truly listen we didn't hear about Guinevere and Athena, then we don't need to hear about Callie. But truly. Listen, we don't even have to deal with the other cards. We can start here. Okay.

I'm here for it. I liked this. This feels good to me. I'm going to, I said it on another episode, but me and my therapist are trying to do like mindfulness and positive thought. Oh, I love it. When I get down, just try to be like you're down for a time and remember the positivity in your life and think about people who love you. So, yeah, my life is a dancing journey. I do like think I was like, I think it was like I do like. Oh, bless you.

Oh, the cute little. Oh, the cute little sneeze. I do like think I was like I think it was like I do like oh bless you oh my sneeze is the only dainty thing about me oh it's beautiful thank you are you dating right now you know I'm always trying okay I'm always on the apps I'm on all the apps which one okay? Okay. Bumble. Tinder. Hinge. I like Hinge. I like Hinge. I'm liking Hinge. Hinge seems to be where nice people are.

It's a better algorithm because I think it is friends of friends. And then so I think like this one woman I know who's on it is like in the film industry. And she's like, yeah, it's great. It's all like really hot guys who work in production. And I'm like, yeah, because that's like what you do. So you get like that's your world. You get like kind of people closer, I guess. I get random people because it's not linked to my real Facebook.

It's linked to my like dummy one where I'm friends with just my family. So I can stay on the ups and haps with those people. Yeah. I keep Facebook for the family. We got a lot of uploads of the nephews. A lot of, a lot of pictures. A lot of uploads. A lot of get togethers that I don't make it to because I be busy.

Oh, yeah. But you do plop a little like on there and a bit of a comment. Okay. And what else? Okay. Okay. So apparently a friend said she was going gonna uh she put in my recommendation to raya but as it stands i am still on that waiting list i mean it is it is honestly like a club where

there's a long line and you get in you're like there's six people here and they're all awful oh we have to take a little break break and we're back yeah yeah yeah okay um yeah the apps are wild it is the wild wild west it's lately i've been going on dates and truly not expecting a thing to go right yeah i i'm like whatever i going to show up late, make you wait a little bit for me. I don't care. Try to talk minimal before we meet so I don't get swept up in like,

this person's really funny. And then I meet them and they don't know how to talk or whatever. That's smart. I'm just trying to keep my heart covered a little bit because it is you have to be very vulnerable to keep going out on dates with people and you like I find myself repeating myself and because you just there's only so much information about yourself that you have yeah so you're just like yeah this is about it's uh it's honestly exhausting and i'm tired yeah i think that's like you're like the idea of like protecting your energy or the idea of like giving of yourself i was like i had my

that was like my mom's advice to me because i'm a i'm a big personality and i'm a little out there or whatever and i'm all in right away and all that um but my mom like my was like you know like reserve a little of yourself you know like a little like and i think before i think i interpreted that as like but that's not me being me i'm not being me but i was like oh i think she means like to protect like to protect myself or whatever like so you're just like oh it didn't work out but i was only at like 40 percent yeah well also i think the flaw of the apps in general is I feel like so much is accomplished with eye contact. So I need to get to eye contact. So for me, it's like I would eliminate probably so many people more and I would include so many others if I could make eye contact.

So I feel like the texting and stuff is like a distraction to get to like, I just want to get to the eye contact. I want to smell you, check out your pheromones, and then go from there. Are you a stinky, stinky person? Or are you a shower-chaved and washed up? Yeah. Yeah, it is interesting to look at a picture and be like, I think this person might be attractive. And then it can literally swing either way.

Pictures are sometimes very deceiving. My aunt once said to me,icole you're so photogenic but like maybe not as realogenic and i was like this is a nightmare but i do photograph very well i i mean i'm gorgeous in pictures and then sometimes i'm like when i look in the mirror i'm like i don't i don't sometimes i'll look at a picture and be like i don't think this even looks like me and it's not even a in the mirror I'm like, I don't, sometimes I'll look at a picture and be like, I don't think this even looks like me and it's not even like an angle.

This was like straight on and I look just different. I know that's, I feel like that somewhat like that can't be real because I feel like that I,

you look at myself sometimes and I think I'm like, I see completely different things depending on my mood. You know what I mean? Like sometimes I like walk around like I'm the hottest thing on the planet. And I like be in a sweat, like a sweatsuit at a grocery store, just like ready to flirt with anybody.

And sometimes, I don't know, like I can't, I can't muster it up or like, I don't know. Like it just, I was like, and I was like, I can't look that different from day to day. Like it can't be that different, you know? Yeah. But sometimes I'll just look in the mirror and be like, I don't think you're a pretty person. But that truly doesn't last very long because I think I'm gorgeous. Good, good.

I know. I don't have makeup. I have acne scars. I don't give a shit. I'm fucking opulence. So I was hanging out with my, I keep saying I'm not going to talk about people I'm dating, but so I was out with my two friends and we were at a bar and I like looked up and I was like, that person looks familiar.

And I was like, that's the person I was on a date with yesterday. And I think they're on a date with somebody else today. And I was like, oh, my word. And I like clocked him. He clocked me. And then I like I finished my story to my friend after they passed. I was like, just so you know, that's the person who I was on a date with the last night. Currently on a date with somebody else.

And my friend was like, how are you not screaming? And I was like, honestly, I don't know. That's that lion. No, that was in my wheelhouse to act normal. And then they sat directly behind me because that was the only table available. And then I was like, I don't know. I didn't know what he had told her because she kept looking at me.

My friend was like, she keeps turning around and staring at you. And I was like, well, let me turn it on in case he said something about me so she knows I'm funnier and better than her. Oh, my God. Yeah, I was like this. And I know that people are dating multiple people at the same time. But I was like, oh, but this is just like directly in front of me. Oh, it's a very peculiar twist of fate for sure.

This is not fun. No. Yeah. Who knows if we'll go out again. But it was just truly insane yeah yeah I don't know man like I uh I have a hard time to like uh kind of seeing it like that you know I mean yeah it's really really like I just I think it's good to be honest that I don't like that I don't want to know please yeah but then it's just like how do you even have that conversation I don't like that I don't want to know please yeah but then it's just like how do you even have that conversation I don't even know how to like have that conversation you know what

I'm saying I would love to get to the conversation like I haven't had like I would love to get to the point where I have to have a conversation about the status of a relationship you know what I mean like yeah like can I get there please like I'd love to talk about to what degree. But then I don't even know at what point you do do that. I've never had, I've only had one talk about like a relationship where I was like, can we just only be dating each other? And he was like, yes. And then that's not what happened. And I was like, we talked about this. And he was like, well, I'm sorry you feel that way.

And I was like, this is, I feel crazy. This was like years and years and years ago um but then I just don't know when you have that conversation like how long do you wait is it four dates five dates ten dates six months three months two months yeah how long I know you know what I think it's like I'm from a little bit of like a different time where like I think I was like like pre um cell phones a little bit of like a different time where like I think I was like like pre um cell phones a little bit with like my first love stories and I feel like back then it was just like I don't know like I went out on a few dates and then that person was my boyfriend you know what I mean like it just like it like there wasn't they didn't have access to the entire universe

in their phone we lived in a town a suburb of toronto and like there was only so many kids at the mall you know i mean this is like there's a hundred malls there's a thousand kids you could have somebody in front of you and then your phone has 10 000 more people for you i know and it's it is it sucks i was thinking about it It was like my actual Like I was like My first love I met Like walking By the river With friends You know

I was like You know My second Love didn't have a cell phone We had to like meet At the location At the time We said we were gonna meet

Or we didn't meet You know So like I really Only in the last So this idea These new relations Within the last five years Basically since I've been in L.A. But I haven't been – I don't know if I've been – I know how to navigate them either. Like I don't know.

I just was like, you like me or you don't like me or how much you like me? Like tell me. Yeah. And I feel like people just drop you at the, they just like ghost you at the drop of a hat. It's wild. It's honestly, it is, I think I'm gonna take a break in the next couple months

because it's just, I don't know. I've said it before, being vulnerable is literally inviting someone to hurt your fucking feelings. I know. It's the hardest thing in the world. And yet, like, the way you fall in love with someone is ultimately being vulnerable with them. So it's always this, like, and I get it. And I do think that that is the right thing to do because I think that, I think it is important to take breaks.

And I've done that with, like, all the apps and stuff because I feel like when it does start to like hurt your like your soul like it hurts your soul I mean let's say I'm gonna say it it hurts your soul man it hurt like I don't know how else to say it it's like there's obviously something very like like it's you know besides like procreation and like you know the species continuing there's there's there's like a need for it like you know like i you know people need to connect wish i was a person who was happy with like masturbating every night but like i like the touch the feel of content no i i like the touch of a fucking person i fantasize about what a relationship or companionship is like where I know that this person loves me and wants to hear about my day. Wants to take trips with me and wants to just solely be with. I like I want it.

I want it all. And wanting it and trying to find it are two separate things. And it is draining and it's almost as if i have to do it twice in my life so like i go on auditions where it is it's not personal but it is personal yeah you know where it's like you audition you do the best you can do you try to make a connection you hope that the casting likes you you hope that the producers who watch the tape like it. You hope to book it. You hope that you start a relationship with that show and they bring you back.

Or you get cast as like a regular whatever. And that is a lot of rejection. You go on like three auditions a week and you don't get a job. You don't get a job for months. You go on a hundred auditions, you get one job. That's like I think like people say or whatever and then it's like so i gotta do that with dating too where i'm like i meet you i'm trying to i'm auditioning to be your fucking girlfriend yeah and you like i try to like take the note you know when they're they're like, my ex-girlfriend did X, Y, and Z and I didn't like it.

And it's like, okay, well that note is for me to never do that. And, you know, it's like, what do you like in bed? What do you like to eat?

What do you, it's, it is, it's, it is like my job in, my job is my job in, in real, in trying to have a relationship.

It is also a fucking job. Yeah. And it's like, it is like a fucking job. Yeah, and it's like, it is like a needle in a haystack, especially with the apps and stuff like that versus like, and then the only other way to approach it is to sort of be like,

well, what is mine is going to come my way or what I meant to have is what I meant to have. I try to be fucking zenful and it's not working. Also like texting with these fucking dudes sucks. I send a text and then I immediately go, this is it. He's never texting back. And then I'm like, well, I'm sad.

I'm a die alone. And then he texts back and I'm like, I'm so happy that I'm worthy enough to be texted. And it is a lot of ups and downs. And I'll tell you, I my body can't handle the emotional roller coaster that is going, that just goes into texting. You know what? And I think that, but, like, you know, like, that's also part of what is amazing about you, though, too. Like, it's like, I don't want to squish the, like, the romantic soul in others. Do you know what I mean?

Like, with all, like, the how you should do, should you know what I mean like with all like the how you should do should you not text should you not be so much blah blah blah I just feel like man you know here's what what it really is most things aren't going to work out that's like 99.9 percent nine nine nine nine nine nine percent of all relationships don't so most of them are nose it's like so I feel like it is like you got to kiss like a thousand toads or you got to like, you got to like whatever it's so, or if you don't feel like it, if you're not having fun, if it's exhausting you, you can sit back and then you can sort of be like, cause probably like the people that you're meant to meet, you'll probably still meet. At least that's just what I'm still like. That's what I mean. That's I'm, I'm still choosing to believe that that

whoever you're meant to meet you're meant to meet and if it's gonna happen in a year or five years or ten years or whatever it is it's just like I believe that it's already like kind of there and that I can either like just be really upset until that happens or I can just be like if I feel like going out I'll go out if I don't feel like going out I won't go out the both are fine you know I know both are fine but it's are you dating someone right now or no um I'm not dating anyone um like in particular I had like I've yeah I've been yeah yeah but I'm always like going out on like a first date or yeah. Maybe I've been seeing one person for a few months maybe. Oh, congratulations.

Congratulations. Oh my God, Nicole. But not really, but not really. Like, but not really, but not really. I honestly, it has been so easy so i went out last night with two my uh one friend who just got engaged and then another friend who's in a long distance relationship and he was in town and so we were texting the three of us and then one was like oh i think i'm gonna bring my you know my boyfriend us, and then one was like, oh, I think I'm going to bring my, you know, my boyfriend.

And then the other one was like, I think I'm going to bring my boyfriend. I was like, great. I'll bring my fucking imaginary boyfriend. I can't wait to fucking be the fifth wheel of this dinner. And then. I know, man. I know. I know.

And I was just, everyone's relationships. Okay. So dinner last night was fine. It was fine. I wasn't like the fifth wheel. We're all friends, everyone's relationships. Okay, so dinner last night was fine. It was fine. I wasn't like the fifth wheel. We're all friends. It's great. But the way that the table was set up was,

it was one couple on one side of the table, another couple on the other side of the table, and then me at the head of the table. I was like, I am the head of nothing. I'm the head of no relationship. And it just very much exacerbated that, like, I am alone. I can't even sit next to somebody at a fucking table. And then it was like a lovely dinner, whatever.

We had fun. We went and got drinks after. And I just started thinking. I was like, both of them were in pretty easy relationships. And I asked my one friend, I was like, when did you guys start dating? I don't remember how you began. You were just like together. And he was like, yeah, we went out a couple times.

And she was like, yeah, and I didn't realize we were dating. And he was like, and that's how it happened. And I was like, good lord. And then my other friend was like, yeah, we just met at a party. And then that was it. And I was like, good lord. And then my other friend was like, yeah, we just met at a party. And then that was it. And I was like, ah. And then my roommate, you know, John, good old John Millheiser. Hey, John.

He met this dude on Bumble. They went on a date. And then, like, he was, they were just like, we're in love. I know. I was like, how? Why is it so easy? I'm going to start sobbing. Why is it so easy for everybody else? Oh my God. I hear you.

You're watching me have a nervous breakdown. Oh, Nicole. Oh my goodness. I understand. Oh my God. I understand. It's wild. I understand. I understand. It's really like, and listen, I also, Like, and listen, I also, I haven't, you know, been in a relationship since I've been to Los Angeles. And it does feel impossible. It does feel impossible, especially in such a place that's so big with so many people. Yeah. But I do think it's important to let these feelings out, though, because I think that so many people don't talk about this or like or shut this part out. And we pride like so much like people who are like too cool to care or people who are unbothered or this kind of thing. But I was like, man, like what a shame, like what a shame that like that that more people aren't like like there's like there's not as many love songs anymore that people aren't more excited to love.

I feel you know what I mean? Like that that that the culture of dating now and they has changed where it's like people don't value falling in love. They see it as a distraction. They see it as like something that takes away, you know, or they see it as like, you know, denying them other potential opportunities and people don't like acknowledge how amazing it is, you know? Yeah. I, dating is like being in a bodega where you're like, I could buy these chips or all these chips.

Yeah. But I think you're looking, you're just craving a deep connection. And I think again, like, it's like, it's like you wanting that so badly is like, it's also your greatest gift. Like that, like, I really do feel that not everybody, because people tell you like all the time, like just stop focusing on it. Like focus on other things or like whatever. And I was like, no, man, if you're like, if that's who you are, if that's your soul, like I was like, never, never. I can never focus on anything else.

Okay, never. I'm always like, because I think for some people that's part of their calling and their purpose. And I think for some people it really is like connection and like, you know, connecting with humans. You said it earlier, you know, like, that's why it's like such a strong thing in you, you know? Well, also, I, I've wanted to be in love for forever. Yeah. I think ever since I could remember, I've also been like a very sexual person for a very long time like when I was I don't know

I knew what sex was from a very young age was appalled I was like daddy did that to you mama and she was like yes anyway but then like I found like erotica books and I went to Spencer's and bought or stole a vibrator at a very early

age and was using it. So like I've always been pretty sexual and I've always like wanted a boyfriend and I've always wanted to be in love. And I guess it was a want that was in the back of my brain when I decided to focus on being a comedian and acting and pursuing that super hard. And yeah, sure, I'd get drunk and hook up with people or whatever, but I never was like, I need to make this a focus. And then the older I get, the more I'm like, I do want a companion. And if I just stop thinking about it, it's not going to happen.

Nobody's coming to my house, knocking on my door saying, I'm so sorry, you ordered a boyfriend and I'm here. And when I go out to bars with friends, I'm not cruising. I'm not looking to hook up with people. Also, LA is, to me, very clicky and it's hard to just make a friend at a bar.

In New York, you go to a bar by yourself and you leave with 20 new friends yeah or you like go home with somebody I feel like that or at least for me it doesn't really happen here um yeah I have such a hard time finding people in bars here yeah and I just don't think again like from what even like you've said it's like you also don't like you're holding out for something great I also don't think you want like a random person or or just like it's like you're looking for like the the companion, not just a companion. Right. You're looking for a real deal thing. I would really honestly love to find a person not to spend the rest of my life with, but to spend the next chunk of my life. I like to think of it as a chapter.

You know, and I don't think about relationships as being like failures if they end. I feel like they're important chapters for like different phases and stuff of your life or whatever, right? So it's like, yeah, sometimes, you know, whatever. Like sometimes things last a while, sometimes it's a short time.

But as long as people are kind and loving throughout. Anyway. But I would like something more than like two months yeah well that's what i mean i know you deserve like that's the thing you have you have all this love to give of course man like of course and it it does seem crazy to me that like i was like i know there are millions of people who feel this way that's why this podcast is so popular and that's because people, people really, there's so many people who feel this way, but again,

it's just kind of not like popular to talk about. It isn't cool to be like, I want to love. Yes. I want to love it. I want to love right away as soon as possible. Please. I mean,

I also, and okay. So I have just been Googling things like, when, when do you start kissing someone? Hello. Or like, what does it mean when he says this? And there's always some sort of wild answer. And then I keep finding these like helpful things for women where it's like, be mysterious.

Go away for a little bit. Make him want you. And I'm like, but why? Yeah. Why do I have to be mysterious go away for a little bit make him want you and I'm like but why yeah why do I have to be mysterious no why can't I say I like you very much I'd like to enter a relationship with you is that something you would be into oh yes yes great let's how do we start it yeah I agree I don't I don't really believe in seduction because it's like, what are you seducing? It's like persuading a lie to come hang out with you or whatever, right? I do believe that, yes, absolutely. It's like, okay, this is like what my dad said about my mom, which I thought kind of summed it up. Okay, so my mom and my brother and my dad, so my parents have been together a long time,

and they went through immigration together, and they're, like, bonded. So my brother and my mom are arguing about something, whatever. My brother kind of takes off, and my dad kind of goes. And my mom can be very, like, you know, opinionated, et cetera. And my dad goes, you know, he goes, some people, like, think some of the stuff that mom does is annoying. But me, I think it's kind of cute. And I was like, that's the key. Like I was like, you picked her.

So what you think she does, you think it's that's charming. You picked her. Whereas like she's our mom. So like we're like, you know, whatever. Like, you know, kids get annoyed with their parents or whatever because we didn't pick each other. Right. So I was like, ah, that was like kind of a click for me I was like that to me is like what it is it's like it's just like you don't have to do anything it's just finding the person that already

likes whatever you are you know and they're gonna think whatever like that stuff is the best or whatever now yeah like you can change up your tinder profiles and yeah like you'll attract different kinds of people if you change your photos and all of that. But it's like still kind of doesn't matter. It's like the person that likes you for who you are, that's going to fall in love with you is going to like it all. And all the shit I used to worry about too, like if I like gained weight or this or that,

if like whatever. And it's like, you know what, man? Like it's like that person, like that did help me a lot where I was like, oh, like when I first like, like I never like, I a lot where I was like oh like when I first like like I never like didn't think I couldn't imagine someone being attracted to me when I was younger so that was like a shift even when I was like oh like somebody oh somebody can like my kind of body or so you know or something else you know yeah I go in and out of so I like I fully accepted what I look like

My body I don't have great titties Whatever Neither do I I always warn people You warn people? Yeah I'm kind of like listen They look good in pictures but I'm talking about

I say my boobs are 30% armpit I don't warn people I just I have to sneeze Adorable I don't warn people. I just... I have to sneeze. Thank you. Thank you. Very adorable.

Adore. It's so dirty. Very stupid. I don't warn people. I just... I'm like, they're there. If you want to play with them, whatever. Find my nipple. But all titties are great.

I feel like most people agree about that, right? There's less people picky about boobs, right? I don't know. I just know that that's the one thing I'm self-conscious about, but I also always take them out now because it is what it is. I can't

change them, specifically because I'm too big to be put under to change them. And then my body, I'm like, it's a big one. It's what I have. If put under to change them um and then my body I'm like it's a big one it's what I have if I want to change it I can whatever keep the lights on I need to see your dick also you gotta see this body I don't care um but then sometimes I'll be like driving and I'll be like well why would someone want to date me and not and it has nothing to do with my body it has everything to do with like me as a whole person I'm like so loud I am very silly I have dumb ideas I just feel like it I'm just too much of everything for someone and I know that that's like a shitty way to think.

But then like sometimes people will tweet at me and be like, well, you do have to like, you know, put some of yourself away. It's too much. It's off putting. And I've had friends say the same thing. And I just go through like these ebbs and flows where I'm like, no, I'm going to be fully myself. And then sometimes I'll be with a dude and be like, well, how much is too much? Like, I don't want to scare you away

because I've said, you know, dick too many times or I've made too many cum jokes or I said something about somebody that was rude. No, but because none of none of that stuff is is matters, because what matters is underneath anything, like the essence of who you are. So somebody who loves you will will see where all that comes from. They'll see the roots of who you are, like they'll see like the so so like you're right in the sense of, if you were trying to appeal to the mass population, you would have to make adjustments accordingly. You'd have to get your, even as a comedian, your comedy would have to get broader. You'd have to like, or whatever. Comedy is fully subjective.

You're funny or you're not funny. But then it's like, but are people subject? Like, so, so, but you're not looking for to please everybody no you're right you're right you are too much for most people 100 every every strong woman with any kind of personality is that you're already too much for most people but then but then on top of that like but it's like you don't need most people you need like what five in a lifetime maybe one two three like you only need a couple so I mean here's the thing we've all got good odds but it's just we're playing in this infinite we're playing in a pool of infinity now so because

you listen if I if this was 50 years ago and you were like in a town and you had like 50 guys in the town to choose from and there was the fireman and the this guy and the guy at the grocery store whatever it's like that's how it was before now it's like yeah of course with with the amount of people we have access to again we're just we're just adding more nose to the pile they're still only going to be that one or two you know i mean at this point i'm like why don't I just 90 Day Fiance myself, find someone in Thailand, bring them over. I absolutely think you should.

You have to love me. I brought you here. Well, listen, first of all, I don't think there's anything like, I mean, I don't think there's anything wrong with also like expanding to other parts of the world as well. We could talk all day about 90 Day Fiancé. I won't go there. I won't go there. It's the wildest show on television.

I fucking love it. It's really, really crazy. But I also think it's really educational about the same subject that we're talking about because it highlights what people think love and marriage is in an interesting way. And people have different things. Some people are brain brain people. And some people are like feelers. Like and you probably like it's like you're a feeler.

Like you would base something on how you feel. And some people are just more like I need somebody who is this age and has a profession that is like one of like the suitable. You know, like some people are just more like they're looking for someone who ticks the boxes or whatever. You're, you're probably connected. You, you,

you're talking about like the, the connecting on the soul. I like want to feel, I just want to like feel butterflies when I see somebody. I just like want my pussy to quiver when I see them. I just want to, yeah, I just want to be with someone who like excites me

I do think that you will get that and I think that you have to keep painting that picture and fight to keep your imagination alive and don't let don't let the actual circumstances of what's happening quell your imagination because you're painting

the picture just like you've painted the picture for other things that you've done in your life like you've you know like so you're and you're you you you are not willing to settle in a way like you are like you are basically you know what it is intuitively what it is that you're craving and you haven't found it and that's frustrating but that means at least you know what you want oh i'll tell you. I've been trying to settle for a long, long time. I went on... I've been trying to settle.

I was settling with this one guy. Went on a couple dates with him. He broke up with me and was like, I think you like me too much. And I was like, not one person likes you. This other guy went out with a bunch and I was like, you're bad,

but I'm gonna settle and then I'm gonna chase you even after you've said you were done. I'm constantly trying to settle. Anessa, this is a downer. Oh my God. Everyone's gonna listen to it and be like, well, Nicole went home and killed herself after this episode.

Oh, my God, Nicole. Nicole. But you know what? Honestly, you like you've said before, like that you have like I was like, I've never seen you this vulnerable. Like you're like this. You are really like whatever work it is you're doing. And I know it's hard work, like self-care and all of that. And I know that's hard work, like self-care and all of that, and I know that's hard work.

Whatever it is you're doing, it's like you're sharing your soul with people. That's pretty incredible. Thank you. It's really hard, man, because people are feeling this way. People are really feeling this way. And it's like, you know, nobody wants to admit it. this way. People are really feeling this way. And it's like, you know, nobody wants to admit it. You know?

I think I started, well, Gabrus, John Gabrus is the one who came up with this whole idea. He was like, should we do a fucking podcast where you talk about, you know, love and sex and have dudes you fucked on? And I was like, okay. Alright. And then I pitched it and everyone was like, cool with it. Jake and me were like, yeah,

we love it. But what if you get a boyfriend? I was like, I don't know. You've got more faith in me than I do um and I guess the reason why I guess I have a problem with vulnerability so I was like this will force me to open up in a way in an honest way because I do want to have honest conversations with people about love sex and relationships um and i do think it has been healing to like hear other people struggle yeah or like just hear how easy like when love is love it seems like it's easy i agree i agree i know it until it's not of course like there's like there's life struggles but But I think that there is like a philosophical shift in love, like where like my best experiences have been like when you're on the same team where it's like so instead of this person makes me feel a certain way, like the way they treat me, that made me feel bad when you did that. It's like you're going into things knowing that the person is never out to hurt you.

They're on your side, you know. But listen, I mean, dating and love are kind of two different things, you know. So it's just like it's very rare rare that you're gonna go on a date with somebody and fall in love with them that's just gonna be mathematically rare yes and uh it's so weird that i can separate it for like auditioning uh-huh uh but i cannot do that with people although now now i've been going into because i guess i go into every audition being like well i'm not gonna book it whatever and then lately i've been going into dates just being like i'm not gonna book it whatever uh he's not gonna like me whatever uh i don't care anymore and i have

been like being more myself and like not dialing it back because for a while that's what i was doing i was like don't be too the only thing i dial back right now is affection I don't know what's appropriate I don't know like physical you mean like yeah I don't know me personally I don't like touching I don't like being touched until I know you like if we're meeting for the first time please don't touch me yeah no shoulders no hands

please don't until like I'm ready and then like after we've been out a couple times I'm like well I want to hold your hand do I just hold it I want to like touch your thigh do I do it yeah it's just the whole thing is fucking exhausting and

I'm tired I'm going to take a nap do you have anything you want to promote oh my gosh I'm going to go home and take a fucking nap I mean do you want to pull one last card from my own deck? Sure. Okay. Honestly, I really do feel honored to have been here with you today for this particular podcast.

Thank you. Where I was just going through it. You were going through it. I know. And I'm so sorry. I truly almost started crying at one point. But honestly, that's like, oh, I understand. And honestly, I really do.

Why don't you pick one less? This is a homemade deck. Should I just pick one? Yeah. Because really, we can get any message that we want to get. There you go. Look, you got a little merman here. And he's got a big old thing that they hold.

The fork. Yeah. You got a merman king there. OK. I got King Triton. Yeah. I got King Triton. Yeah, you got King Triton. What does that mean? Yeah, you know what?

Honestly, these ones we make up ourselves. Great. That means a man is swimming towards my pussy. He's going to stick his big dick in me. Yes. And he's going to say, Nicole, I want to just date you. I don't want to date nobody else. And I want to keep sticking my fork in you.

I'm going to twist you up like noodles. And we're going to love forever. Love it. That's what that card means. Yay. What a treat to end it that way. And not with me, so I'm going to take a fucking nap and die.

Anessa, do you have anything you want to promote? Well, I do a bit of advice on my Instagram, Anessa Comedy, I-N-E-S-S-A Comedy. Yeah. Yeah. And then I'm on two teams at UCB, Thirst Trap and Squadron. Yes, yes, yes.

If you haven't had a chance to see Anessa live, you got to. It's very great. Sometimes her titties are out. It's a good time. She's very funny. Thank you very much. And if you like this episode, please rate it five stars. If you write a nasty little comment hitting on me, I'll read it.

You can DM them to me. You could email me. BaconCanSave at gmail.com. But here, this person wrote, hey, girl, I'd like to part those luscious booty cheeks, slide a hose up your anus, give you an enema so I can crawl up in you and live inside you and share all your experiences like coming when you come. Let's see. That's one of the better ones, I think. Here's another one. This is on iTunes

it says new Adele remix hello it's me I just wanted you to know that I don't have a small pee pee hello from the other side take my pee pee for a ride so yeah if you send me some stuff

oh this person oh don't read this on air great thank you so much bye bye You send me some stuff. Oh, this person. Oh, don't read this on air. Okay. Great. Thank you so much. Bye-bye. This has been a Team Coco production.