Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Nicole gets a special delivery of hot gossip

Episode Date: March 31, 2022

If there’s anyone who loves mindless gossip more than Nicole, it’s her good pal Solomon Georgio. In fact, it’s the subject of his brand new podcast from Team Coco, The Juice!On The Juice, Solomon sources only the finest gossip stories about regular folks doing crazy s**t — no celeb headlines here! Each week he’s joined by hilarious guests such as Conan, Ira Madison III, Atsuko Okatsuka, and yes, Nicole herself! Just listen as she and Solomon dig into the wild stories that fans send in on the daily. To hear Nicole dish some of HER stories with Solomon, head on over to The Juice and listen to the entire episode. Hit subscribe, leave a great review, and have a juicy day! 

Hi, it's me, Nicole Byer, and I'm here to tell you about a brand new Team Coco podcast that I think you're going to really love. It's by my friend Solomon Giorgio, who's an amazing stand-up comedian and writer who you might know from his shows like Shrill and Hacks and so much more. Anyway, Solomon is a self-described gossip queen, loves to juice a story, eats the shit up. Okay, but he's also a man of refined taste celebrity rumors couldn't give a shit he likes his gossip low stakes and high petty you know regular everyday

people doing crazy shit who cares about kanye and pete when there's cheating kathy and fuck boy frank if you feel the same way check out the juice with solomon georgio it's all about everyday gossip the stuff that you can't stop texting your friends about. If you love hearing about hookups at Denny's, moms with secret lovers, and chair-sniffing co-workers, you're in the right place. Each week, Solomon sources the juiciest tales from comedians, performers, and listeners just like you. His fans are always sending him the wildest-ass stories, and I got to hear a few of them when he had me on as his very first guest I had so much fun doing it

I can't wait for you to hear it Here is a preview So people from all over the internet Send me their stories And the hottest of the goss. Okay. I'm going to read a couple of them that I found very interesting. I would love to hear your thoughts on them. Oh, I love it.

So here's a few delicate pieces of gossip I got. So when I worked in a movie theater, my manager and her roommate hated each other. She was sick and her roommate opened all the windows and screamed at her about smelling like disease and needing a shower. To retaliate, my manager took the flavor crumbles left over at the end of a bag of Flaming Hot Cheetos and sprinkled them in her underwear drawer. Oh, no. Her pussy was probably itching so bad. And she was like, am I sick? There's orange in me.

What? Am I sick? It's like the drawer. That's like that's multiple underwear. Yes. That's what I mean. She probably thought she was sick because every day it was more itching. That's wild.

That's. Oh, wait. Devious. Dubious. is more itching. That's wild. That's, ooh, way devious, dubious. I feel like a hot Cheeto can cause a yeast infection over time. I think any food can.

Like, I don't think you're supposed to have any sort of food up in you. No, I don't think it's a recommendation. I've not had any food in me that I'm aware of.

I've also never had food in me and I'm waiting for like that chubby chaser. I haven't been with like a chubby chubby chaser. I've just been with dudes who me and I'm waiting for like that chubby chaser I haven't been with like a chubby chubby chaser just been with dudes who are like I like it but I'm like looking for someone who's like oh let me put some Velveeta opinion like

melt out into my mouth I'd be like okay I'll just have, I'll make the appointment to the gynecologist for two days after. You want a full freak. I do.

I do. I would love it. I think I've only had a full freak once. And it was a good time. I wouldn't do any of that stuff again. Oh, wow.

What kind of stuff? Well, I fisted somebody once. Ooh, okay. And I was, I was almost, I was like, he. Ooh, okay. And I was almost… I was like… He gave me… Like duck bill or like duck bill into fist?

Yeah, it was always a duck bill for the butt. But he gave me cow milking gloves. Like they went up past my elbow. I'm like, where are we going, sir? Where are we going? Where are we going? I don't want to go there. But like I went,

I got to the store, like I got, I got there. I got, I got eight inches in. Wow. Like a little after my wrist. What does it feel like?

It's the weirdest feeling because it's almost like a vacuum. Like you're just like, it's just like, it's like it, like it takes it in and then you can pull it out. But it's like,

it's like putting anything, like it's just the tightest. He like, that's, he's like, he's in and then you can pull it out. But it's like putting anything. It's just the tightest. He's loose until he has a fist. And then that's when he has his muscle control back. So it's like he was doing some of the work too. Oh, wow. That's hot. It's a power bottom.

I just, I don't think my butt is ready for that. We could dance around the butt, you know, a little penetration. I just, I don't think my butt is ready for that. We could dance around the butt, you know, a little penetration, but like a full dick. It's a lot of prep, at least for me. Look, I've had to remove internal hemorrhoids. Nothing's going in there. Nothing is going in there. Nothing will ever go in there.

Fair. To have my flawless face, I had to have a flawed butthole. Fair. You can't have it all. I can't. You cannot have it all. And I'm okay with that. So this next piece of gossip is also a fun one.

So when I worked at Neiman Marcus… Oh, we're naming the place. Ooh. Okay. An employee had an affair with her regular customer's husband and convinced him to buy insanely expensive gifts

for the wife he was cheating on so she could make her salary. L-O-L. She's iconic. That is an icon. That is a living legend. I love this woman. Dancing diva.

I fucking love that. Because, you know, you're a little scummy if you're fucking somebody else's dude. But like go full scummy and get your fucking bills paid too. I love it. And the wife is getting expensive gifts. Like if I was in the situation, if I'm being cheated on,

but the person is getting, I'm getting expensive gifts. Uh-huh. I'm going to stay. I'm going to stick around for them gifts. I'll take the gifts. The wife did eventually find out and just tried to sue Neiman's

and that's like, oh, well. She got gifts and then was like, I'm suing? Ma'am, you're too greedy.

That's too greedy. That's too greedy. Take your gifts. I also love that she was like, I'm not mad at the man. I'm mad at the corporation. Okay, cool.

I feel like she literally got cheated on and was like, I want to speak to the manager. That is so fucking funny. I would like to speak to... You cheated on me?

I would like to speak to the manager. And he's like, oh, well, she's at Neiman Marcus? That's funny. Oh my God, what a treat. Oh my goodness gracious. I'm so happy that people are submitting this. Those are fucking fabulous. I will think about that for a very long time.

That's great. I want that life. I want that ability. I want... Every time I cheat, like every time somebody cheats on me with somebody else, it's always terrible. Nick wasn't good enough.

It wasn't worth it. I don't think I've ever been cheated on. I've never been cheated on, personally. And I've never cheated on anyone. I'm like, I can barely date two people at the same time. Because I'm like, I start feeling a little guilty. I didn't.

Well, it's technically cheating because I made out with a different person. But that was the most I've ever done. I've never had sexual relations outside of a relationship. I've never had sexual relations outside of a relationship. I also tell everybody my business. I would come home from cheating and be like,

I fucked somebody. Can you believe it? They'd be like, what? Oh no. Oops. I did that and I was like, I should break up with him because that's the right thing to do. But then he took too long to get back to me and I had to go to a Kesha concert. I was like, I have to break with him because that's the right thing to do. But then he took too long to get back to me. And I had to go to a Kesha concert.

And I was like, I have to break up to you before the Kesha concert. So I just texted him to break up. You texted him? Oh, I'm a monster. Solomon, that is devastating. Oh, yeah. You texted someone to break up, but you were like, let's break up. No, it was like a three-page breakup that I sent via text.

Okay. First of all, he should have answered his phone. I was trying to break up with him all day. I guess so. My God. If anyone breaks up with me via text message, I'm walking into the ocean. I want that life.

I want to get divorced via text message. I am sick and tired of having long conversations about why things aren't working. text message. I am sick and tired of having long conversations about why things aren't working. I want to just be like, hey, I'm done. Goodbye. And I'd be like, oh, thank God. I just kind of date people until they're done with

me. So they're like, ew, I don't want this anymore. And I go, uh, I know. You were very mean to me the last date we went on. There it is, people. An exclusive preview of my episode, The Juice with Solomon Giorgio. Steamy, right? If you can't get enough, head over to his podcast feed and listen to the whole thing. And don't forget to subscribe to The Juice and leave a great review while you're at it.

Again, that's The Juice with Solomon Giorgio. New episodes out every week. Find it wherever you get your podcasts. Bye. This has been a Team Coco production.