Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Nicole Plays Matchmaker (w/ Jason Kim)

Episode Date: September 14, 2018

Jason Kim (Love, Girls) is on the podcast. They talk about how they met over a mutual love for Beyoncé, Nicole shares her latest cocaine bender, and describes the turn of events that lead her to loving her body.You can play along and see Nicole's Tinder bio and photos on her Facebook page at: https://www.facebook.com/pg/NicoleByerComedyBe sure to rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Leave a dirty comment for a chance have it read on-air.Follow Nicole Byer:Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdatesTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerFacebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedy

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Oh baby! Oh, baby! I almost passed away doing that intro. This is another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? I'm Nicole Byer, and this is a podcast where I try to figure out how I'm still single.

I try to figure out how I'm still single, even though I will literally let you burp in my mouth, not say anything, and go on a second date with you, which is something I have done. My guest today has written for Girls and Love on Netflix. He is a writer. He's very funny. He is a writer. He's very funny. He's a friend. He's wearing striped pants and vintage Gucci shoes. He's drinking a Bubba Lay.

Please welcome Jason Kidd. Hi. Hello, how are you? I feel like you're really far away from me. Yes. Emotionally and also physically. I yearn to be closer to you. We are not apart emotionally.

We are always together emotionally. That is true. I take it back. What is your tattoo of? Oh, so this tattoo I got when I turned 30. Yes. With my best friend, Julia. Yes.

And because I'm a stupid writer, I read this poem all the time called In Celebration by Mark Strand. And I gave it to one of my friends and I said, will you read this and design me something and whatever you design, I'll get it. So that's what I got. It's my little pencil box. I love it. A little pencil box. Even though you don't write with pencils, you write with a computer. I do. You don't live in a fucking stone age. I do. I'm sorry.

It should be a really... Should I just get the Apple logo here? Yes, please. Please get a tattoo of the Apple logo. I'm just going to get the Apple logo over this. Do you live tattoo of the apple logo over this do you live here now no i don't really know i mean you're just like in transit uh so i've been here since march ish um writing on a show and then i think i'm gonna be here for another four months just Just move here I know, I'm trying to resist that Why? Because I really love New York

Okay Because I like to be spit on So that the universe can remind me of my place I like playing a game in New York in the summer Where I go, is that spit or air conditioning? It's probably spit Someone just spittling out of their window at me jason you're not single you're in a relationship i am you've been in one for

two years yeah two years in august ish yeah that's nice did you meet through mutual friends how did you meet we met through um our friend michael yes um and he threw a dinner party and i for sure did not want to go to this dinner party because he wants to go to dinner parties but then i went and i'm glad i did that's nice so you met at this dinner party uh was it during appetizers? You were like, oh, baby. Or the entree was served and you said, yes, baby. Or was it dinner? You're like, that's sweet. And he's sweet, too. Well, it was strange because I opened the door and I saw him holding a bushel of kale. It's very on the nose, I know. And I kind of looked at him.

I think I cocked my head sideways and kind of looked at him. And he did the same. And I had this very intense feeling when I saw this guy. And then I spent the rest of the night trying to ask him questions that would make me hate him. Like, do you love improv? Like, do you? ask him questions that would make me hate him.

Like, do you love improv? Like, do you... Okay, ask me questions. Ask me the questions you asked him. Okay, so I asked him, are you a Republican? No. Do you love improv? Yes. Were you ever in a sketch comedy trip? Yes!

This is me. I mean, it's me too too i didn't want to um no it's so funny yeah uh but he answered all the questions correctly and then at the end of the night i thought oh that's nice uh i will probably never see this guy again and then we started dating like a month later who asked who out uh it was pretty mutual um he i think asked me out um officially because he drove up three and a half hours to come see me oh my god when i was doing a play uh-huh uh i a play. I wasn't in a play. And our first date was, I guess, a weekend away, sort of. It's very weird, but lovely. Yeah.

That's romantic. But did that put a falseness to the start of your relationship that you like had your first date in a whimsical way where like you were neither one was at home and it was kind of like a vacation it i think maybe we are addicted to vacationing because of that um i would say no only because i think we try to be super level-headed about it. And that was a time in my life where I was like, oh, I think I need therapy three times a week. Three times? I need so much therapy.

A week? Not actually. But I had just broken up with somebody, and I went upstate to do this play and to do like a whole eat pray love situation and he wanted to come up for two days and I said okay great um and then as he was coming up I thought oh this is psychotic this is crazy um so I texted him, like, maybe we should take it a little slow. I know you're on your way up here. I know you've probably rented a Prius and welcome, but maybe this is a crazy idea. And he acknowledged that it was also maybe a crazy idea, which kind of led us both off the hook, I think.

And then we had a great weekend together. That's nice, because I feel like it may have started as like, kind of like a vacation, you know, destination first date. But then both of you were like, we are moving a little fast. And it was like, yes, we are. Let's continue to do so. Yeah. Because you both agreed to do this thing. And I think that's so nice that you were so honest up top. We were trying to be radically honest, I think. But then the next time I saw him, I'm remembering now, was in Japan.

So I saw him in upstate New York. And then the next time I saw him was in Japan because of you. Because of me? Yeah. So we were all supposed to go somewhere for your birthday. Yes, we were supposed to go to Belize. That's right. And what happened? You had to

cancel because you were on the VMAs? Or something? What a life! Yeah, what a life, right. Yeah, I had to cancel to go co-host the VMAs with DJ Callen. Right. So you went to host the VMAs and I thought, what am I gonna do about this ticket to Belize? And he was in Japan vacationing at the time and he had a week by himself. And he said, why don't you come to Japan? And I thought, well, that's crazy. I can't because I'm, that's crazy.

And I can't because I'm going to my friend Nicole's birthday weekend. But then you couldn't go. And I had a free ticket to Belize. And so I called the airline and I explained this crazy story. Like, oh, I really kind of maybe want to go to Tokyo on a date to see a guy. And they transfer the ticket over. And you didn't have to pay any more? I did. I did have to pay taxes and transfer whatever, yada, yada,

but they were super nice about it. I did this. I take full control and ownership of this relationship. You did. I am the ultimate matchmaker. I mean, that is, I'm a firm believer in everything happens for a reason.

And there was a reason why I had to cancel my trip to Belize to go host the VMAs. And it was for you to find love. It was DJ Khaled who did this. That was why. It was like DJ Khaledhaled me cam peel and jay pharaoh the five of us co-hosted the vma you were great i watched you they kept making me say

uh this gives me life i said it maybe a hundred times and oh baby oh those tweets pouring in of who is this woman i hate her does she ever shut up this woman is screaming too loud i turned my tv on mute i can still hear her i was i was like i'm so glad i canceled my trip to belize to be hated by america we should go back to belize what are we doing back to belize glad I canceled my trip to Belize to be hated by America. We should go back to Belize. What are we doing? Back to Belize? I haven't even been to Belize.

I would love to go somewhere, but every time I schedule a trip, truly, like, I have to work. Maybe I should schedule a trip because I have nothing really coming up after July. Should we go to Belize later today? Let's go to Belize later today. Let's hop on a flight. Great. Delta.com. See what they got open. Let's go to Belize later today? Let's go to Belize later today. Let's hop on a flight. Great. Delta.com. See what they got open. Let's go to Belize.

Let's go somewhere. So you jumped from one relationship to another relationship. That wasn't the nicest way to say that. So you just moved from one relationship to the next. Are you a serial monogamist? Well, I wasn't for a really long time. It's kind of a miracle that I survived 18 to 20 whatever in New York City. Why?

What were you doing? I was doing everything in sight. No, I've never done cocaine. Oh, it's fun. It is fun. Except the last time I really went on a bender was in tennessee and i don't know what the fuck that shit was cut with but it cut up my nose really i mean yes do you so what do you like about cocaine um well i like that it helps me focus a little bit and i found out it's because I have ADD. If I do a normal

amount that someone does to get high focuses me and helps me think a little better and helps me organize my thoughts. Then I do twice the amount that a normal person would do and then I'm like, I'm high baby. My thoughts are organized and I'm going to tell you about

them. I think I would like it a little too much, maybe. Fair. The reason why I don't do cocaine is because I had a roommate in college who had a heart attack because of cocaine. Oh, no. And I remember just thinking when I was like 17 or 18, like, okay, don't do it. Don't do it.

Because they were like 17 or 18 yeah yeah were they fat uh not really why does that have anything to do with yeah man fat people have heart attacks i think easier on on drugs he i think he was also on um a bunch of acid maybe yes bitch live your best life before your heart gives out and also on molly i'm not quite sure girl feel all the feelings he was feeling all the feelings but it kind of freaked me out yes well i'm sure it freaked him out and that's why he had a heart attack because that means he was like tripping feeling himself thinking thoughts yeah his heart was like, bitch, go to sleep. Yeah. I can't do this. He kept doing it after, which,

I mean, God bless. I mean, live your best life. Yeah. If drugs are what you like, then drugs, I guess you gotta do.

That's bad advice. Listeners, don't, don't do drugs We're not advocating for drug use. unless you can handle it. Can I ask a question? Yeah.

So you're a gay man. Uh-huh. When did you come out as... How did you know? How can you tell? Because you're my friend and I know. When did you come out as a gay man? I came out...

Well, there wasn't like a press release. No? But I... There wasn't a deadline article but i came out um like towards the end of high school to my friends and then to my family and then my parents i wouldn't say that they weren't cool with it but i think they just didn't hear me really um and then i spent like the next 10 years being like oh my god nobody accepts me my family hates me this is terrible and then i had this crazy conversation

with my dad where he was like i don't give a shit what are you talking about i never gave a shit so i guess maybe i was in like self-imposed gay prison for 10 years that's i mean not funny but very funny it's pretty funny that you yourself decided that the world had rejected you and i was like no jason we're okay with it no jason it's absolutely jason we're all fine with it you're like you all hate me yeah that's basically what i yeah that's my special power have you ever been on an app um like in general like on google maps or a dating fuck you jason kim fuck you no uh dating apps like tinder orumble or Grindr or Scruff or Adam for Adam. I was on Adam for Adam in college. That was a, wow, you just took me back.

Did that exist in college? Yes. It's an old one. Yes. It's like a throwback. Is there an app for Adam for Adam or did Grindr just replace that? I think Grindr may have replaced it, but I think maybe Adam for Adam is still online. I'm going to go to the app store right now and see if Atom for Atom still exists.

The thing that I remember about Atom for Atom is that it looked like the website was made by MS-DOS. Like, it looked so... Well, I'll tell you something. So, Atom for Atom is... It does still exist. It has two and a half stars. Grinder has taken over, even though it has two stars. And then there's Gay Chat, Scruff, G-Hunt, Daddy Hunt.

Oh, what's G-Hunt? G-Hunt, I think, is just like gay hunt. Surge. VGL, I don't know what that is. Just Men. More Grinder. Oh, wow. surge g vgl i don't know what that is just men more grinder wow and then growler grizzly anti-lan this is there's so many romeo jacked Grrr. This one is just grrr. G-R-R-R. Bro Dates.

Chappy. Guy Spy. This is, there's so many. Are there this many for women? Oh, but then they have the Holy Bible. That's an app after all the gay ones. Oh, great, great. That's pretty shady, Apple.

That's pretty shady, yeah. That is so shady. That you're just like, I don't know which app to choose. You know what? Maybe I'll read the Bible. I have been on so many of my friends' dating apps for them. And then I think I had Tinder for like 24 hours. And then I got super stressed out. But I have never been on a dating app for an extended period of time. Because every time I have been on one, I just like start calculating all the

horrible things about myself and about everything else. So wait, so you think about yourself being bad and not the bad people on these apps? Oh, yeah. I mean, like I am, I live in my own crazy prison of a mind. And so you did put yourself in gay prison when everyone was accepting you. Yeah. So I'm like constantly making a list of like, oh, right. Like here are the horrible things about me. And for some reason, Tinder, Grindr, like, all those apps just, like, magnify that by a million or something. I'm not having a good time on the apps lately. You're not?

No, I'm swiping, and I'm seeing a lot of ugly men, and I'm not, I just, I just I'm not like seeing anyone like some like for a while I could look and be like okay this face I could fuck this face I could look at this face multiple times a day and then I'm like can I say his name in bed like I need a name that like I feel okay being

like yes Raul but like Spencer like I don't want to you know what I mean so then like that's another thing that goes into it I don't know Jason you've known me for a while why do you think I'm single I don't know I feel like you deserve everything that you want truly and i hope you get it uh it's on your own terms really truly because when you first met me so our first meeting i remember it like it was yesterday we met on a beach we did our mutual friend langan brought me to a beach and i didn't i was in a phase where or not a phase i was at the end of hating my body and at the end of hating being in

a bathing suit so i went reluctantly to the beach and you were there and you were sitting on a blanket and you looked up and you went do you like beyonce oh god and i was like i do i do genuinely love beyonce and then uh langan and uh the your friend went swimming and then we just talked about beyonce for a while and i was like i like him he's fun and then we went to go get tacos yes because we were like yes it was bad it was a gross dumpy fucking taco place, I think, in Newport Beach. But Newport Beach is very, very beautiful. It is very beautiful. Gorgeous. Yeah. I think you met me right before a turn in my life where I was like, the body I have is the body I have.

Fuck everything else. How did that turn happen? I woke up one day and I literally was like, you like swimming. You love swimming. You've always loved swimming. And you're not doing it because you think that people are going to be upset when they see your body. And then I was like, well, if someone sees my body and then has to say something nasty to me, that means my body affected them and my body is powerful

and that they had to stop their day to say something when i never thought about them and then maybe i'll think about them saying something about my body later but i'll just be like i'm only thinking about them because i thought about me first i would have never thought about them also swimsuit or no swimsuit people still know i'm fat it's not like clothes make you invisible if anything they just shelter the fat i don't know like it was just a day i woke up and was like what am i doing i'm i'm covering myself up for other people i barely give a fuck about anybody else so why am i catering to them and not just living yeah and then from that day on i said i wear i well i was already wearing whatever i wanted but i was like i just i wear bathing suits and i don't care anymore that's amazing

thank you no it really is i took a long time. Do you want to be my therapist? Yes. Okay. Are you available three times a week? I'm available three times a week, but only for two minutes a day. Also, I just, I wear a lot of tight things and I wear whatever I want. So I was like, why does it stop? Why does it stop with swimwear? And then, I don't know, maybe I'm too real for the gentleman of the world.

Maybe you are, but maybe, well, why do you think that you're single? Do you want to be single? Take a break. But now we're back. I think, I mean, I think about it a lot because I host a podcast where I have to talk about it a lot. I do think that I am a specific type of person. I'm fat. I'm black.

I got tiny titties, a fat ass. If you look at my Instagram feed, my body is all up on it, cellulite and everything. I'm loud. I'm opinionated. And I think you have to be okay with all of that. You just listed all the things that I love about you, truly. that i love about you truly well gay men and women seem to they don't seem to understand why i'm single and they're like i think you're a catch well what i'm like i think what women like in men is the characteristics i have like women who date like uh like a fat fucking dumpster of a man who's a funny standup. It's like, why are you with this ugly fucking man? Oh, cause he's funny and he's loud and he's opinionated and you like that.

He makes you laugh. And as of recent, I've discovered that men don't find a spark with me. So maybe it's because I'm, I remind them of their male friend just with titties and a puss i don't know i'm it is i don't know and i i do this podcast i don't know why one of my female listener hasn't reached out to one of their male friends or a female friend don't fucking matter i've been like this girl's great i listen to her podcast slide into her dms have you ever received a good answer to that question what why why do you think i'm single

um the only good answer i've gotten is uh i put up walls and i'm performative interesting do you feel like you do that? Yes. I do think, you know, cause I got that dead daddy and that dead mommy. I think. I'm laughing, but it's so sad.

Yeah. But that's how I know you're a true friend. Anyone who laughs at it, I'm like, yeah, you get it. But I think, I'm not think, I know that i went

through a phase where i was very much into one night stands and didn't want a relationship because i was like it'll just go away people in my life tend to go away so what's the point of like setting something up for long term if it's just going to disappear. And then through therapy, I have, you know, worked on being more vulnerable and I've worked on trying to let people in and to not be as performative. Like, it's okay to be like on and ha ha ha, we're having fun.

As long as I do take a step back and go, hey, but also like what you just said really made me upset and we should talk about that. And not like gloss over and be like, tee hee hee, I'll make a joke about it. So it's, I guess I am, as I'm happy with my body, I'm trying to get happy with my personality

because it is a lot and I do perform. So yeah. And also i'm like mentally ill i'm like a crazy person i have add we're all my therapist thinks i'm bipolar but i won't take my medicine which is a thing about being bipolar because you're like i'm an upswing i'm not taking my medicine so i have it at my house i just don't want to take it i just i don't it's have you ever taken it i won't you won't but it's in my house i made the step to get it so you picked it up from cvs they keep telling me i need to refill my prescription when i've even taken the first prescription um i don't i just i don't want to start taking it when I'm working in case it does do something. And then it makes you lethargic.

That's one of the side effects. But then I take ADHD medication to help me stay awake because I sleep so much. It's like a whole thing. It's a whole cycle. And I'm like, I don't want to be on a cocktail of medication. Yeah. I was there when I was younger. I was on antidepressants for like a couple of years.

And then I had crazy physical side effects. And I really am a huge advocate for medication, actually, if it works for you. But I just felt like I was going to shit my pants all the time. Oh, no. And I shit my pants all the time. Oh no. And I was like sweating all the time and I had like weird, you know, like I couldn't sleep and I was having crazy dreams. Um,

and then it took me a long time to get weaned off, but now I'm thinking about taking them again. Maybe. Really? I am. Yeah. Because I, so what you were saying about the whole death aftermath of, you know, thinking, am I ever going to connect with somebody again? Is it worth connecting with someone if they're going to die? I sort of have been in that phase, I think, for a couple of months because my grandmother died and so i feel a little uh

should i do this should i not do this you know i'm sort of questioning i mean the pill i like the medicine i'm on because it also treats binge eating and it seems as if nobody wants to actually study why people binge eat like there's just like a couple pills that you could take, but like nobody is like, why does one brain do it and another brain not do it? So it's been helpful with that because it helps me recognize like, oh, you're just eating out of boredom or you're eating because you don't know

how to complete other tasks. So it just helps me compartmentalize some stuff. And then I was like, but what if I take this bipolar medicine and then it makes me eat like a little sandwich? And it's like, I don't want it. I know, it's a lot. But it's so funny to hear you say that you feel like you put up walls because when I think about you,

I think of how vulnerable you've been in our friendship. And that's why I love you so much. Well, the people like I hold near and dear, I feel like I am more vulnerable with them. And Langen I'm super vulnerable with because I feel like she's vulnerable with me. And I think it was just you were Langen's friend first. So I was like, oh, I guess I talked to you the same way I talked to Langen.

Because you're an extension of Langen. Well, also, we love crying. I love crying. I do like to cry sometimes. I cried on a podcast talking about bathing suits. Oh. Because I was like, oh. Yeah, bathing suits.

Ow. Because I was like, oh, it took me so long to get to a place where I could put on a bikini. But I think I just, I needed to get that out. Also, I think I get nervous around men who I actually like. Oh, yeah, of course. Because I'm like, oh no, what if I say something and that's the thing that turns you off? Yeah. What if my personality is a little too much for you and then you go away?

And then ghosting, I really hate, like I I hate when people ghost. Because then it's all on me to be like, well, why? Why did you do this? I don't know. Also, I'm like, maybe I need to be set up with a friend of a friend. But then it's like, what if that goes badly? And then I'm like, you sent me out with that bad man. I don't know. Want to look at my Tinder profile?

Yes, ma'am. Okay. If you would like to follow along, you can go to Facebook. Uh, uh, my profile is Nicole Byer comedy.

And in my photo albums, it says Tinder, or maybe it says, why won't you date me? Guess what? I know but it's there so jason tell them what they tell tell our listeners what you're seeing all right so here's a side by side photo of you and who is this is this an instagram model no it's kim fucking kardashian let me do a zoom. Oh, wow. Yes. So Kim Kardashian is eating what looks like a bowl of noodles naked.

Noodles. Noodles. And with the emoji, with the noodle emoji. And her hands are sort of expertly placed so that you're not seeing her nipples. And you have a photo of yourself doing the exact same thing um with better hair i have to say ah thank you yes but you look amazing thank you do i swipe now yes and then the second photo is you at a bar or a restaurant holding a golden pineapple cup. And the bottom portion has what looks like a cocktail.

Yum. And then the top portion, which I think functions as a lid, is on your head like a little tiara. Mm-hmm. And your head like a little tiara. And you look, your makeup looks amazing. Thank you. And I think you're wearing your nose ring, which I love, which I've never seen you wear.

Actually, I'm wearing it now. You are. Nobody ever notices when I've got this little, little dude in the hoop though. People are like, this hoop is out to play great the hoop is out to play um and then in the next photo you are at an office are you in an office

i am in i'm at uh some school doing a show this is with the barbie jeep yeah so i'm at a school doing a show and that's my green room. My green room was some... It is? Yes. Why do you have a Barbie Jeep? Because it was so... It was like a storage closet and I got ready

in a storage closet. Oh, man. The road life, I gotta say, is a glamorous life. So far the journey is I love noodles, I love pineapples,

and I love Jeeps. So I don't know why you ever have any issues in life. I don't know either. Because those are three great things. And you're crouching in this photo. You have a lot of attitude, which I love. And you are giving me amazing face, as per usual. And you're wearing

converse and a very cute top and maybe overalls? It's an overall dress. I'll never grow up. And then the next photo, oh, this is the, I've seen this before. This is you Where are you in this?

Are you outside? No, I'm in a sex store. Is this holding the dildo? Yes Yeah The dildo looks so huge It is enormous That's why I took the picture with it It's like a wet baguette

It is giant It is girthy Yes, girl And long Yes And you have put some great emojis on it to make it look like a face. And it's blue.

And you're kind of making and you have an acute top and you're making a, what appears to me as a I'm probably going to buy this giant dildo face. I'm going to buy this dildo and you're never going to know where I'm going to put it.

Let me ask you something. I mean, do you want something this size? No. Who does? Right? I mean, so who buys this? I don't know. There was like three there.

So people, I guess, are buying them. I also have several giant ones in my car. For just in case there's a war? There's traffic on the 405. I pop into my car, shove one inside me, come real quick, throw it back in there. No, I did it for this like photo shoot thing that didn't work out but you can't return dildos this is like the length of your torso like this must be like it looks like it's giant it's very big um so so far we have i love noodles i love pineapple drinks i love love Barbie jeeps. And I love dildos the size of Barbie jeeps.

And then the next photo is you climbing an empty bookshelf in a onesie. And your behind is prominently featured. Yes. Serving that bari-yari-yari. Thank you. And you're sort of making this, am I going to be able to climb this bookshelf face? Mm-hmm.

And you have an open bag of things. Oh, that's so wild that you noticed that. Yeah. What's in there? That's also a dressing room. Oh, it is. So that's my bag of shit. I think the running theme is I'm working and they're not putting out glamorous places.

Yes. Oh, my God. And this photo is so cute. It's you wearing amazing glasses and a beautiful yellow top with your dog. Yes. Those glasses, sadly, they're broken. In the photo? No, you broke them.

In real life, they broke. I'm so sorry, Nicole. Yeah, I'm like really upset, but they were $5 and I might be able to find them again. But I feel like you have really good glasses game. Thank you. These are my populism. You better believe they're called Laskini. They're the dumbest.

I love them so much. So you have an object or you're prominently featured next to an object in every single one of these photos. I want people to know that I don't come alone. I come with accessories. You come with an empty bookshelf and a dog. And then the last photo is you wearing, oh, this, you don't have anything in this photo except for glasses and your cute nose ring. And this is you sort of at your, I don't know unquote normal looking at the camera just a simple selfie yes with some long flowing 32 inches of hair which i have on today but it is naughty i do not brush

it today um and your uh your profile says i guess the wildest fact about me is eating cake pays my mortgage which not one person has asked me what that means really no i feel like it's so um what i like about it is that it's so layered layered like a cake yes ma'am um why hasn't people why what yeah why hasn't people? Why hasn't people? Why hasn't people? I'm sorry, I'm foreign. Wait, you're foreign? Yeah. Where are you from? I'm from Seoul.

Wait, were you born there? Yeah. Did I not know this? You did. Did I? I think so. Maybe I did. Yeah, I lived there until I was 11. Oh, I did know this. You did know Did I? I think so. Maybe I did. I lived there until I was 11.

Oh, I did know this. You did know this. Yes. Oh, yes, because you have an American name now. What is your government name? My government is June. June? It's not that hard.

Your teacher couldn't say June? Yeah, it's not that hard. But she forced me to pick a new name which i didn't quite understand what was going on at the time she gave you a slave name well i named myself because she asked me so she said i can't say june what would you like to be called yeah or that's that's my understanding of the situation because i didn't speak any english at the time oh my god isn't that cool that's insane but my uh the only two names i knew were aladdin from the movie i wish i was speaking to aladdin kim right now oh my god and then jason from the power rangers from the power rangers yes ma'am that is so

adorably sad can you believe i named myself after the fucking red ranger it's really funny i can't believe the teacher said she wouldn't say june yeah yeah it's really dark So did you come home and say, I'm Jason now? Uh-huh And your mom was like, okay My mom, I think, was a little like, what the fuck is the matter with you? Do you know what the Red Ranger is up to now? I think he's like a Marine I think he's in porn Oh, these are two different schools of thought.

I don't know why I think that, but I... Well, I'm going to Google it. Jason the Red Ranger. Maybe that's just wishful thinking, but... Let's see. Okay. This is not... Jason the Red...

Okay. I found him. Uh-huh. His name is Jason Lee Scott Oh his name is also Jason Yes So his name is Jason on the show Yes

And the actor's name is Jason Yes Got it He's uh He's really cute Okay So his real name is Jason It's Jason Granger

What? And he's professionally known as Austin St. John. Okay, so his real name, his government is Jason. But he goes by Austin. So it's a June Jason situation. And then he played a character named Jason. Yes. And

cool. So he was in the military and it doesn't say anything that he's doing now. So did I just invent this porn thing in my head? I think. Oh, so he was in the military, and it doesn't say anything that he's doing now. So did I just invent this porn thing in my head? I think. Oh, wow. He's not doing it.

He was, like, at Comic-Con. I think he's still talking about Power Rangers. How old is he now, Austin Jason? This is hard for me. Okay, hold on. Oh, I think he's 40-something. Oh, wow. Do you know that Celine Dion was like 27 or 28 when she recorded My Heart Will Go On?

I just found that out. And I wanted to jump off a cliff. Yeah. I've done, I have not done my masterpiece yet. But in your brain, like, didn't she feel like she was in her 40s? Yes. Yes. She's a very old soul.

Yes. I love Celine Dion. Oh, I love Celine Dion. And I was in Sacramento doing shows. And before every show, I would listen to Celine Dion and had the worst shows of my life. So now, anytime a Celine Dion song comes on before a show, I have to change it. And it really upsets me because I love Celine Dion. Can you listen to her when you're not touring?

Yes, but it still gets haunted by that awful weekend I had. I get it. What was the song? Oh, I was listening to Celine Dion Essentials, baby. Of course, yes, of course. You better believe my heart will go on all by myself. Taking chances is a great song. It's a great anthem.

I love. It's a great. Take your chances. What do you say? A new day has come is great. It's all coming back to me. And that's the way it is. The power of love because you loved me.

She. Alone. All of it. The Beauty and the Beast. Yes. Have you heard this one? Yes. We probably can't play that right because it's copywritten.

Oh, well. I just saw her in Vegas, and it was life-changing. Was she incredible? Did she sing live? I think so. The show was, I would say, two parts talking, one part singing. Hello, thank you for coming. It is me, Celine.

And it was everything that you would ever want from a Celine Dion show. She did all the hits. She did all the hits. She kept teasing My Heart Will Go On. Like, she'd come on stage and she'd be like, oh, I'm going to perform a number from this very famous movie. And then she'd sing, you know, like the song from her movie with, I don't know, from Deadpool. That Deadpool song isn't bad. And you're like what

and then she'd come back and she'd be like oh my god okay now I'm gonna finally sing you this song from a famous movie and then she'd sing Beauty and the Beast

she did this for like two and a half hours what a cock tease and I'm here for it I'm here for Celine Dion leading me on misdirecting me I'm here for it

I really I just like Celine Dion I love her I mean what's not to love? She's like a style icon. Yeah. She's Canadian. She's French Canadian, which is a weird Canadian.

I'm going to Montreal soon. And I have been in Montreal. I don't know when this airs. And I can't wait to meet all those French Canadians. It's going to be fun. Jason, do you have any advice for me on how to get a man? Oh God. Uh, well I feel like I'm in no position to give advice. So I'm the worst person to ask. Well, you have a man. So I have to go to a dinner party.

No, my advice is to not go to any dinner parties. Have you seen the movie, The Invitation? Have I what? Have you ever seen the movie The Invitation? No. It's about a dinner party and you need to see it. Why? What happened? Oh, it's phenomenal.

Is it a horror movie? So much weird shit happens and this black woman stays to the end and I was like, that is fiction. She would have been gone within the first five minutes

of this weird shit dropping. Does anybody actually like dinner parties? No. I don't know. My roommate's always trying to have no um i don't know my roommate's always trying to have them but we don't have a table so where are you gonna eat so like i guess he just wants people to like stand in the fucking dining room and talk i don't know i have to i need to furnish my house i think your house is just beautiful. Thank you. I don't know what my advice is.

I feel like as a person who also puts up walls and has been putting up walls his entire life for many, many years, including in many previous relationships and flings and whatever um the thing that i'm trying to maybe do differently now is to recognize when i do that but also i'm really bad at it so i'll be like three hours deep into like deep turtling oh yeahtling? Oh yeah, that's what I'd call it. I just like go in a... Oh, like being a hermit. Oh yeah, that wasn't me like doing butt stuff. That's what I thought. I was like, wait, is that like butt sex? Or like, are you talking pooping?

I'm sorry I said turtling. Like you should know what it is. It's fine. I get it. Turtling. Yeah, it's. It's fine. I get it. Turtling. Uh, yeah, it's just hard, man.

Um, but I really do believe that you deserve nothing but the greatest. Thank you. Here's a question. Jason, June, would you date me? Of course I would.

Are we kind of dating already? Kind of. I think we'd be good together. I think you would chill me out And I think I would make you do a lot of things That you don't want to do That's probably true Which is kind of what our friendship is

I'm like let's do this Yes except for the one time I think I made you eat an oyster That was honestly the worst thing I've ever put in my mouth Yeah I think you called it a slimy dick And it almost ruined oysters for me. I'm sorry. Oysters are fucking disgusting. I truly,

I think they're gross. I don't think anybody should eat them. I just don't. There's a video of you somewhere in my phone eating an oyster. And then we got ice cream after. Yeah, we did. I was like, I need something delicious. You will take me to ice cream after yeah i was like i need something delicious you will take me

to ice cream we went had salt and straw which is fine i'm very happy about your ample hills i really am i love ample hills and they were so nice they reached out i can't wait till they open in la i'm gonna be their spokesperson. They're not going to pay me. And I'm going to only talk about Ample Hills Creamery. If you're in New York, go to Ample Hills Creamery. They're not paying me to do this. I just genuinely like their ice cream. It's great. It's so good. Get the ooey gooey butter. Yes, ma'am. A piece of ooey gooey butter cake. Ask them to heat it up a little bit. Get some whipped cream on it.

Maybe a drizzle of caramel. Not too much. You don't want to overpower the ooey gooey. Go to town. And then also, eat a bunch of samples. They're all going to be good. Jason, we have to wrap this up. Is there anything you want to promote?

Um. No, I don't think so. Anything you want to promote? Um, no, I don't think so. You can rewatch girls on HBO. Jason wrote for girls and also in an episode of girls where Hannah's, Hannah goes to, to write. She goes to school upstate or something.

And you are in that class. I am. And you're funny thanks so do that take some time watch that singular episode yeah please get me 10 cents in residuals okay if you liked why won't you date me please subscribe on the itunes and leave a five star rating. And if you leave me a nasty little review, I will read it out loud. Chels Gell said, I wish I was a man. So you could use my balls to blend out your highlight.

Nicole, you are the best. Thanks, Chels Gells. I like it so much. Okay, bye bye bye This has been a Team Coco production.