Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Nicole Reviews Guy Fieri's Restaurant at the Burbank Airport (w/ Justin Noble)

Episode Date: November 16, 2018

"This is the best date I've ever planned, and it's all downhill from here."Nicole opens up about her current dating life! She shares the story of her best date ever at Guy Fieri's restaurant at the Burbank airport. Justin Noble (Brooklyn Nine-Nine) joins Nicole to give her some texting advice, speculate what life must be like when you're pretty, and talk about the pilot they produced together.You can play along and see Nicole's Tinder bio and photos on her Facebook page at: https://www.facebook.com/pg/NicoleByerComedyBe sure to rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Leave a dirty comment for a chance have it read on-air.Follow Nicole Byer:Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdatesTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerFacebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedy

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Oh baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me, a podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out why I'm still single, even though I will wear a costume, a maid costume, and roleplay slave things. costume, a maid costume, and role play slave things.

Maybe I won't do that. That's bad. My guest today, oh, what a treat. I'm so excited to have him here. He writes on Brooklyn Nine-Nine currently, and he let me be in his pilot from last year that didn't get picked up. Yay Justin thank you so much for being here. I'm excited to be here. Oh, what a treat what a dream that pilot was so good I agree I

Had to get my little fingies on it cuz I was like I gotta see if I'm funny because that's like my quest I'm like am I actually funny then I watched it and I was like oh hell yeah I'm funny and everybody else was so funny in it and dozens of people in the valley agree with you turning their dials

to say yes more Nicole yes wait can you tell me I know this is a dating, but can you tell me how testing works on pilots? It's fascinating. It's insane. And it's a writer's nightmare. Basically, you go to this like little dark, like movie theater type room in the valley. They've lured 150 people there with the promise of like a Bloomin' Onion or something.

Really? I have no idea what they get. I mean, you would get me if you promised me a Bloomin' Onion or something. I have no idea what they get. I mean, you would get me if you promised me a Bloomin' Onion. Honestly, yeah. I want some Aussie cheese fries and just a bunch of pumpernickel bread, but I'm in. But they all just sit there and they have little dials. And as they watch the pilot, they turn it right if they like what's happening. Whoa.

And left if they don't or if they just feel like they haven't liked something in a while. And you watch every person's individual dot either go up or down. And thankfully our show tested great and you tested great. But the thing that happens after that is they lure like 10 more of them into a room where they ask questions. And at that point you're like, holy shit. How do I please all of these people? That's wild.

Yeah. And whoever's the most talkative person in the room will turn everyone. So, you know, the first step is like they'll write from a number from one to 10, like how much they like the show. And so you'll have I literally had this one woman write like a nine or a nine and a half or whatever she wrote. And then there was this one girl who wrote a five and that was the lowest score in the room. And then she was just this loud girl, like, you know, from like high school or college. And then all of a sudden the girl who had a nine or nine and a half was like, yeah, I agree with five. And you're like, no, you don't.

You're just being convinced by this Rotsy girl who's angry at me. She Donald Trumped your pilot. She did. She just talked negatively for a long time. And then everyone was like, she right. I like her. But honestly, that part just so doesn't matter. After a while, they were like, you can go.

It's good. That's bonkers bananas. I feel like everything in this industry is like a game of chance or just a poorly built Lego house that's just going to come down. It's a couple. It starts with three people agreeing if something is good. And at the end, it's like, do 1,400 people agree something is good and at the end it's like do 1400 people agree something is good and it's like you know i mean let's get real rarely a consensus nothing's

good anymore except for things that you do and i do yes let's do them together you've been doing comedy for a very long time uh yeah yeah i've been doing it for a bit. I mean, we crossed paths a long time ago. Yes, we were in New York together. You were on Mod Night, writing on Mod Night? No. I wasn't. Were you doing improv? I wasn't.

I did improv. I never went for Mod Night or anything like that. I took a couple sketch writing classes, and then I was like, yeah. And then you were just like, I'm going to start writing. Pretty much, yeah. I had a friend who, right as soon as I got through stuff at UCB, moved out here and started doing TV writing. And I was like, no, LA forever.

I will never move to, I mean, New York forever. I will never move to LA. And then I came out here and was like, palm trees. Yeah, I feel like. Had some good French fries and was like, I will move here. I like the oil here. These French fries are good. I remember being in New York and truly I was a ride or die for New York.

I said, I'll never fucking move to LA. Are you kidding? It's real here. There's seasons. Everyone's a dumpster who's mean to each other. And I love it. And then I was here for two years and i really hated it but i was also going back and forth to new york and all like my friends were still in

new york so i was just like yeah i'll like be here for a little bit but like my home is new york and i go back often and i'm gonna move back but then i got a job out here and i was like wait uh what am i it's good it's good here also a ton of friends write on things they pop you in they pop you it's great i love it i love la isn't that a song that is a song i love la that's what it sounds like too um you are you're married oh yeah i'm married yeah you're married. I'm married. Duh. Yeah. You're married. The cast of the show. Tomorrow is my six month anniversary.

Oh, that is so wonderful. I know. Jason, the lead of the failed pilot, was like, we got to get Justin a wedding present. And I was like, yeah, let's get him some dildos and some tuxedos, Adam. And Jason gave me those. And he found them. In a crowded restaurant. And I can't remember.

It might have been Angela who was like, we should also get tequila or something normal. Yeah. She quickly texted me that. She was like, just so you know. I was like, thanks, Ang. It was a lovely gift basket. I said it, and I didn't think it would happen. Oh, it did.

And do you still have them? I know where they are. Yes! What a treat. I'm so glad that I was a part of giving someone dildos with tuxedos on them. Yeah, yeah. Different sizes, too. He explained it.

One was Justin and one was Bobby because my husband is a shorter man than I am. Yes, we wanted the dildos to represent you guys. Exactly. You have to, as we approach this holiday season, give gifts that are reflective of the recipient. Honestly, the way I give gifts is I give gifts to people of things I would want to receive. I get that. I would love to open up a basket and have two dildos with tuxedos or a dress on them. I'd be like, whoa, this is very funny.

I'd do the same thing. Here you go, Mom. It's a Dave and Buster's gift card. You're going to have so much fun there, Mom. Yeah, you're going to love it. Do you want a giant pixie stick? Where did you meet your husband? We met on Grindr.

Yes! Yes, yes, yes! stick where did you meet your husband we met on grinder yeah we used to we had the brief period of shame where we were like it was tinder and then we're like what are we doing yeah who cares yeah let's just be the grinder couple yeah why not i was just in a gay bar where they were having a cock contest and i was like this is a dream and i like, I should go up there and be like, take a picture of my clit and then the whole bar would leave. They'd be like, no, thank you. What bar was this in? Foo Bar in West Hollywood. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It was, I'd never been, but it is delightfully grimy. Oh, yeah. And I thoroughly enjoyed it. They played a lot of weird music. It was like songs with like horns and trumpets and then like techno. It was

wildly different and nobody seemed to mind. There was one go-go dancer who took something that I was like, you need to share. He was like basically nodding out and was fully hard for like an hour. Oh my God.

Wow. And he just had dead eyes. And at one point I was putting a dollar in his diaper because it was like the biggest underwear I'd ever seen. And they weren't, I don't know what they were. It was a white diaper. Yeah. And he like pulled them out and I dropped the dollar in and it fell through the other side. So then I picked it up

and I tried to drop it again but he just slowly put his hand out and he went hey here. Oh no. He wasn't doing well but was also thriving at the same time. Exactly. And he's a dollar richer now. He is a dollar

richer. And then I just love that you can slap their little butts. I always ask, I go, can I hit your butt? And they're like, sure. And I'm like, a dollar gets you so far in a gay bar. Exactly, yeah. Yeah, McDonald's has this 99 cent coffee, but. Yeah, but for a dollar at a gay bar. You can smack a little booty.

You can smack a booty. Not in a straight or a ladies strip club. You're not really supposed to touch them. You have to wear handcuffs when you walk in. You do. They're like, no touching. A dollar gets you nothing. Except a mini shrimp cocktail, which for some reason we serve.

Strip clubs that sell food, I'm always a little concerned about. Yeah. I don't think the refrigerators have been cleaned recently. Probably not. That's not their main prerogative. Yep. So you guys met on Grindr. Yes. Was it a hookup first? Do you mind talking about this? We were both

actually, I don't mind talking about it. We were both kind of getting out of that like hookup-y phase that a lot of people experience when they just come out of the closet, I feel like. And we were both looking for dates. So we like went on a little date

and we got some drinks by my apartment. Thankfully, his office was less than a mile away from my home and therefore we found each other on an app based on location. Oh, what a dream. Yeah, exactly. The true love story. And then you dated for how long before you got married?

We got married on the four year anniversary of our first date. Oh my God. Yep. That is. We're like two little Disney princes singing with our, you know, tiny singing, talking dog. My God, that is so romantic. Yeah.

I love it. We're cuties. Yeah. You are cuties. You also are a very adorable couple. Yeah. I love it. How long did you have a slutty phase between coming out?

I would say probably a year and a half. Okay. Okay. Yeah, maybe two years. That's a good chunk a half. Okay. Okay. Maybe two years. That's a good chunk of time. I can't remember. But yeah, got through that phase. I'm like in and out of my slutty phase.

And it's been going on for about a decade. Yeah. It is going on a year, ten of me just being like, money, my pussy punch. Some storms go back out to the ocean to gain strength and come back i am florida and my slut hurricane keeps returning every year category six category six different name different month um when when did you when did you discover you were gay or did you always know you were gay? I mean, you know when you're teens.

I guess there are some people who don't figure that out, but I don't know. For me, you knew when you're mid-teens, when you're like, that's the person who's attractive to me. You know? Yeah, so around there. I had this very embarrassing story where when I came out to my family, I like told my mom and she was like, what? You know, everybody's so supportive or whatever. And she was like, oh, your brother's coming over later this afternoon. And she was like, you should just tell him, too.

So and so he came home and I was like, yeah, so I'm like dating this guy. And he was like, yeah, I'm not surprised. I've been cleaning up your Internet search history since you were 14. And I was like, oh. That is, honestly, your brother is a prince. What a dream. Yeah, yeah, I know. But I was also like, don't say it in front of mom.

But that's so funny. I really, he, like, really has your back. Yeah, it was nice. It was a very nice moment. Are you close to your brother? We talk a bunch. We talk a lot about like football like because like you know i'm like a pretty masculine guy mask for mask bro yeah i'm talking about tits i was in an uber or a lyft because we we don't use uber anymore because uber is Right, exactly. But I just say Uber so much.

I do too. I feel like Uber is like a Kleenex. Yes. It's not a Kleenex. It's a tissue. Yeah. But anyway, so I was in a Lyft, and my Lyft driver picked me up,

and I don't even know how he got on the topic. Oh, so he was dropping me off at the Virgil, and he's like, oh, I used to live around the corner from the Virgil. said oh okay and he said i never really went though and i was like okay and he's like you know where i went once the eagle and i was like okay he's like have you ever been to the eagle i said no he's like it's a gay bar and i was like okay and he's like an aggressive gay bar and um do you want to tell me something sir yeah i was like where is this going but he was like and i'm straight i have a wife you know i would never i've gone through two wives i have two an ex-wife a current wife and the only time i've ever really been uncomfortable was at the

eagle because i was like uh you guys are really aggressive and i gotta say masculine gay men are just a little too intense for me and i I wanted to be like, that's you. Like masculine aggressive men are usually straight men. So like, what is your uncomfort that they're like hitting on you? Maybe like think about how you talk to a woman. Also that dude just even bringing up that story. It's like, I know what happened at the Eagle. Sir, you were on your knees.

You were on your knees. There's no way. Like you weren't just randomly bringing this up to someone in the back of your Uber for Lyft. It was such a weird story. And then he was like, I don't really go into gay bars too much. And I was like, I love them.

And he was like, I mean, I don't have anything against gay people. And I was like like what is this conversation I never want to hear anyone say I have nothing against and then like talk about the people yeah it's like I don't want to hear but I don't want to hear anything

and then he kept calling me dude and then he was telling me about like buying and selling houses and I was like the Virgil is five minutes from my house and this ride will never end he was awful man i don't like people yeah no they're really not great what was do you remember your so your first date was getting drinks do you remember your fourth date fourth uh i did have a list at one point. You did? I remember, like, making a list and being like, where did we go on all of our dates?

I can't remember. That's sweet. I think our fourth date, actually, I do remember because he was like, hey, do you want to come over my apartment in the afternoon on, like, a Sunday or something? And for some reason, I was like, I wonder if we're going to break up or, like, stop seeing each other today. And then I showed up and there was a gigantic moving truck outside. And it was like him and he wanted me to like meet his two roommates. And then I just helped them move all day. And I was like, oh.

He tricked you. He definitely tricked me. That's very funny. Yeah. You know, just like come over, chill. Just come over. Just hang out for a bit do you want to lift

an end table for a while I did he at least feed you did he give you pizza yeah we went to this like place and I like met some more of his friends and it was actually like

the first like meeting of the friends day you know because a lot of our first couple dates had been honestly smart

on his part because there was an activity so like you're not getting drunk with his friends and then one of his friends says something like weird or off color to you and you're like turned off. This is like, you're moving, teamwork. Exactly, yeah. Hey Scott, do you want to lift this couch with me?

You know, oh now I know Scott. We've lifted a couch together. Scott, you're strong. Sorry I'm a little weak and can't hit a corner. But you know, we worked through it. Exactly, yeah. I actually think that's smart. I'm here for it. And it's like a little weak and can't hit a quarter, but you know, we worked through it. Exactly, yeah. I actually think that's smart. I'm here for it. And it's like a little bit of a workout, you know?

Oh, absolutely, and you know us gays, we need to get in a good workout after our workout. Gotta get a good workout in. I had to move once out of my six floor apartment in New York, and we were poor so we didn't get movers. Of course. And let me tell you, then I think I lost 10 pounds that day

because it was just going up and down the stairs. And at one point I was like taking too many breaks and my roommate Jenny was like, get up, get up and move. And I was like, I'm so sorry. I'm so tired nightmare in fucking sane i'll remember those pre-mover days oh awful i never want to be poor again no i it's just it's too hard yeah what were we thinking i don't know i also when i moved here the last time I moved to my new place here, my roommate, John,

John Milhines. Yes. He was like, we don't need movers. And I was like, you're right. And then I bagged up all of my clothing and there was maybe 50 garbage bags of clothes. I have so much clothing. And I was looking at it and I was like, I don't, how? I don't like this. we have to like rent a truck

and then go back and no so then i hired movers and it was a little bit more expensive than i thought it was gonna be it always is but i was like you know i don't have to i don't have to do anything no it's great they boxed things up they took my bed. They also didn't put it back together correctly, but you know, it's fine. Interesting. I'm getting a new bed. Oh. I have an interior decorator. Hey.

This woman named Caitlin. She's very cool. She always has slicked back hair, and she's always like, this is going to be dope and sick. Did you go king, or are you changing bed size? I'm changing bed size. I had a full, and I'm a full grown adult so I should have a king. Yes.

I've never had a king size bed. Do you love it? It's amazing. Also, Bobby's so tiny so in the morning he's like hide and seek. It's like where in this bed could he possibly be? Where's my husband? You just start digging every day.

Throw pillow, throw pillow, throw pillow. Husband. I have so many pillows in my full size bed. I have Nicolas Cage pillows that I love. I love waking up looking at Nick Cage. Oh my God. It could happen to you. I have so many pillows on my full-size bed. I have Nicolas Cage pillows that I love. I love waking up looking at Nick Cage. Oh, my God. It could happen to you. I love Nicolas Cage.

Yeah. What a dream, what a treat. He is everything to me. Have you ever seen The Wicker Man? I was just going to say The Wicker Man. It is a wild movie. It's insane. He's into the water sideways for no reason at one point.

He's in a bear costume. Yes. And then they like burn him a lot. It's crazy. Yes. The Wicker Man, 2008. Thumbs up, but also down. Thumbs up, down, and then like what?

And then sideways into the water. So, okay. Let me tell you about this date I went on. Great. So, I had made a rule, I think like two episodes ago. I was like, I'm not going to talk about anyone I I went on. Great. So I had made a rule, I think like two episodes ago, I was like, I'm not going to talk about anyone I'm currently dating.

But I'm going to today because this is the best date I think I've ever planned and it's all downhill from here. So I love Guy Fieri. I've heard he's not the greatest person, but like I don't like him as a person. I like him as an entity.

I love the spiky blonde hair. I love his terrible tattoos. I love his weird bowling shirts and his flame shirts. Like I'm the weird sunglasses. Aesthetically. He is pleasing to me. I think fucking him would be so funny. Like I'm here.

Guy Fieri. I want to be Gal Fieri. Like I love him him so i was telling this to this dude i was uh i've been on a couple dates with and he he was like i also like guy fieri and i was like what a dream does he have a restaurant here in la because guy fieri's american kitchen in new york subsequently closed oh no you if you haven't read the new york times review of it you should it is so funny he gets eviscerated oh no it's like wet sloppy nachos how do you fuck that up guy uh it's one of the best things i've ever read so anyway i was looking online so he went on the website he's like doesn't

seem like there's one here and then i was typing typing typing and then i was like there is one here and i sent it to him he's like let, let's go. And I was like, great. Then I did more investigation. I was like, ah, fuck. It's in the Burbank airport. And then I was like, how do I get into the Burbank airport? So then one of the hair ladies on Brooklyn Nine-Nine, I was telling her about this.

She was like, I'll call. I'll figure this out. So she spent maybe two hours trying to get the number to Guy Fieri's burger joint in the Burbank airport. And there is no direct line to the restaurant. They don't have a phone. No, they don't have a phone, which is insane. What if an emergency happens? How do you fuck this up, Guy?

I don't know. So then she was like, I don't know. And then I was like, what if I buy refundable plane tickets to get in? A logical follow-up thought. Right? And she was like, actually, not a bad idea. I was like, great. So then hatched this plan.

And I was like, I can't text that to him because that's an insane text message to read. So I was like, I'll tell him next time I see him. So we go out and I like, can barely contain myself. I tell him about this plan and his response was, maybe I'll pack a fake bag.

And I was like, this is perfect. So that somebody, he didn't even just say yes, he said, I'm fully invested, maybe I'll pack a fake. I was like,

what a treat. So then I buy the plane tickets. There was a hiccup. I bought the cheapest plane tickets and those are never refundable those are like main cabin you don't even get to pick your seat there's like a new tier on delta where you it's called just like basic yeah basic means you sit underneath the seat you sit under the seat you don't get overhead space uh you don't get to choose your seat they choose it for you at the end and I was like

this is a lot of rules this is wild and then the next day I was like oh I think this is a bad ticket I don't think they're giving me my money back if I don't make it on the plane

so then I cancelled it and it was less than 24 hours so they gave me my money back but if I had waited like two more hours it would have been like bitch you paid $300

to go to Guy Fieri's restaurant so then I bought a refundable ticket, which is a little bit more expensive. So I paid like $500. And then up front, he was like, think about it as like a reservation fee.

And I was like, the most expensive one. So I asked him to get a flame shirt. Because I have two, three, four flame shirts. and I was trying to decide I'm gonna wear the black based one or the blue one. I was like, let's go classic with the classic black. I think black was the right way to go.

Thank you. So I wore two flame shirts, leopard print leggings, a leopard print headband, flame shoes, one flame sock, one polka dot sock. Oh my God. He wore a a flame shirt some weird cutoffs and a cowboy hat he was like should i wear a cowboy hat or a hat with beer on it and i was like i mean both of these are perfect but then we settled on the cowboy hat and then we like giggled the whole way there and then i was like let's valet the car because let's be a little like fancy.

So yeah, you can valet at the Burbank airport. The valet didn't blink twice at our outfits. And I stood there and I was like, why isn't he saying anything about the way we look? And he's like, I don't know. And I was like, I really want him to say something. And he's like, I don't think he will. So then we get in the airport and we're like where's delta and we're like oh no delta's in terminal b but i looked up guy fieri and he's in terminal a and i was like

fuck fuck this isn't gonna work and then i was like you know and then he was like oh man and i was like no not on man we're gonna go like, no, not aw, man. We're going to go to Terminal A, and we're going to get scanned through. It's going to be fine. He's like, what if somebody asks us a question? And I was like, you shut the fuck up. Don't say a fucking word. And he's like, but what if? And I was like, no, don't say anything.

He was like, OK. So then they scanned us through to Terminal A. I found a flaw in the system. You did. You shouldn't be able to get scanned into any terminal, TSA. Oh, my God. So, also, he was walking through, and the TSA man was like, hello, and he just went, mm-hmm. Is it possible that hundreds of people have done this?

Maybe. So, they'd be like, get through it. I was like, we fucking did it also we had to like take our shoes off it was and i was truly giggling the whole way through and one of the tsa men looked at me right in the eyes and openly laughed at my outfit and i was like yes this is the reaction i wanted and then he looked at the boy and laughed at him and then as we were walking i was like that man laughed at me he's like he laughed at me too and i was like we look great so we get to oh so as we're walking we hit guy fieri's salmon shop which is like just a crate like a

like a cart like a grab and go yeah this can't be it this this can't be we need more i and then i almost started crying but then i was no, this isn't A5. Guy Fieri's Burger Joint's at A5. And then we get there, and it's this glorious little hole in the wall. And then next to it is Guy Fieri's, like, Highline bar or something. I don't know. So then we, like, order our food. I got a Mac and Bacon burger.

I don't know what he got. And then the bartender was like, guys, can I? Wait. Let me just ask a question. Did you know that Guy Fieri's restaurant was here when you guys put those outfits on? And I was like, bitch, I came here just for this. I bought two refundable tickets to eat here. She was like, that's crazy.

That's the funniest thing I have ever heard. I love everyone in this story everyone was great the burbank airport was very accommodating wow so then we like eat and like we both take a bite of the burger and he looks at me he's like this is not a bad burger and i was like okay let me bite by it i was like's like, this is not a bad burger. And I was like, okay, let me bite by it. I was like, you're right. This is a pretty decent burger because we were fully expecting it to not be good. But then we got fresh fries. The mac and cheese is wet trash. It is like wet jizzy noodles. It is disgusting.

I don't recommend it. But the burgers and fries, it's great. And then they play diners, drive-ins, and dives while you're there. Oh, perfect. Honestly, there's a lot of signage with his face on it. It is a real treat. I highly recommend going. And then we finished eating.

Oh, and I brought little bottles of booze. And I was like, this is as romantic. Oh, like little airport bottles. You know. What a themed date. Right. Yep. And I was like, this is as romantic as I get.

I love that this guy was down for all of this. Very down for it. And then we just left after. Because it was like, what else do you do in an airport? It was wonderful. And then I had him take pictures of me. Right, of course. You got to document this for the Instagram.

And then I wrote basically the story or whatever, like a truncated version. And the Burbank airport slid into my DMs. It was like, can you tag us? And I was like, why is this airport thirsty for tags? Oh my God. Also what I did wasn't. Yeah. Not a good look for your airport.

It's a problem for you. Yeah. Bad things have happened. Yeah. But yeah. And then we went to a tiki bar after to continue with the theme of dumbness. Of happened. Yeah. But, um, yeah. And then we went to a tiki bar after to continue with a theme of dumbness. Of course.

Yeah. Ugh. So yeah. And then now I'm like, I don't know if I'll ever plan a good date again. Yeah, no, that was it.

Yeah. I feel like that's good to know when you've reached the top. That's I've peaked. I don't know. Ooh, we have to take a break. Now we're back! Boop-ba-da-boo!

What a good break! I feel rested. Yes, we took a little power nap. What is the best date you've ever been on? The best date I've ever been on the best date i've ever been on oh wow um interesting honestly this is so sad but the first thing that comes to my mind is like seven days in disney world it's not a date but like it is the first thing that popped into my mind was like i'm like a crazy like Disney person. It's just like who I was forced to be by my parents.

And I just remember like towards the end of I think it was my first season at Brooklyn. I started like telling Bobby I was like, I really want to go to Disney World. It's been a long year. Wait, did you go to Land or World? Seven days. Is Land here? World. Land is here?

Land's here. World's in Florida. World's in Florida. World's in Florida. Yeah. And so it was just like, you know, a lot of me being like, this is a place where I've been 35 times. 35 times? Oh, yeah.

No, it's like, my parents have like a Disney themed room in their house. Whoa. Like, it's where those insane people. I've been to Disney World twice. Once when I was six-ish, and all of the pictures of me there, I look so unhappy. Oh. Just so angry. We're so different in that way.

I was like, I want to trade pins and get a Huey, Dewey, and Louie set. No. I was like, so you trapped me in this hot place. I got to wait on lines for stuff. My mother used to say I had an entitlement problem, which is probably true. But I truly was like, why? Why do I have to wait for anything? Isn't this supposed to be the magical place?

And then I went again when I was like in middle school. And again, I was like, this is so much walking. And then my dad had like plans. And he's like, we got to hit up Epcot. And then I was like, Oh my God, can't we just relax? He's like,

we only have three days. And then everything was so expensive. And then he was like, no, you can't have water. It's too expensive. And I was like, but we didn't bring any water and I'm gonna die.

It was all of the pictures from that time too. Everyone just looks very upset of course now i guess that's a vacation i guess the best date i've ever pulled off was it was like right in when bobby and i first started dating and it was his first like birthday when we were together and i was visiting him in new york because i was like developing and didn't have a job so i just went out and visited and then on the day of his birthday, I was like, I'm going to go put in for the Book of Mormon Lottery, and I'm going to win.

And so I went to the Book of Mormon Lottery, put my little name in, stood there with like 150 people, and then sure enough, they pulled my name and gave us like the two front seat tickets in the first row. And then I was like, I'm going to text a girl I know from college who I think might be in the production. And I texted her and she's like, come back after the show. We'll give you a tour.

And all of a sudden I was like, I am bawling out and killing this birthday. I mean, yeah. Yeah. That's great. It was a good one. It was like I loved feeling like I was winning in dating. I get very competitive being like, did I nail it? I, in dating, never feel like I'm nailing anything.

I always get confused. Like, how much affection do you show someone in public? Do you kiss? When do you kiss them hello? Oh, yeah. That's real tough. When do you tell them, i'd rather have you call me when i'm on the road than text like when do you when do you tell somebody that i yeah personally

i just like say it as i think it but that's like been both a good thing and a real problem You know? I'm bad at saying what I want to say to people. Because I'm like, well, my therapist was like, you're just prolonging the inevitable, Nicole. Like if you tell someone something that you want from them and you think they don't want to give it to you, you're just prolonging what's going to happen where they're like, oh, I can't give that to you. And then it goes away.

She's like, if it goes away in a month or if it goes away tomorrow, what's the difference? And I was like, consistent dick. That's the difference, Mary. Don't people put up with different amounts of shit based off your shared history after a while? I guess so. Like if you give me all your baggage on date one, I'm going to be like, oh shit, where does the baggage end?

Yes. But if you've lured me in with five or six dates and then I'm like, oh, I can deal with this baggage. Well, I've been, let's see, I've been on a couple dates with the Guy Fieri man, and I've been pretty wild all the dates. What? I've done something weird on every one of our dates, and he seems okay with the weirdness. Yeah, I know nothing about this individual, but from afar, I'm liking it.

I mean, anybody who goes to an airport with you. The guy saying he can pack a bag. Oh, he's down for a bit. He didn't end up packing a bag, but it would have been very funny if he had. Yeah. But then it's just like, he would have had to carry it around.

It just wouldn't have been great. I went on a date with a dude who then sent me his script. And I was like, huh, why did you do that? And he was like, I don't know. I just want you to read it. Let me know what your thoughts were on it.

And I was like, we've only been out twice. I can't help you. That's a move. That's, yeah. Yeah, and it... Also, what writer really wants feedback nobody yeah not they just all the feedback a writer yes that's all anybody wants to hear yes it's good especially if you're a friend and i'm just sending it to you yes just tell me i don't

need your thoughts on my act two break it works it was on a note card once it was on a note card once and it was on my fucking vision board yeah it was bonkers and i've like said it on the pod before that i don't like it when people on apps are like i think you're really funny because then i'm truly like i don't know what you want from me but then it's like he didn't even say he knew who I was and then later in the date I was like oh I guess I'll tell him I do comedy or whatever he doesn't know and I like him okay um and then he started like asking questions and then I was like oh no he did know who I was and like buried the lead and then sent me his fucking script and i was like this is crazy did you already say where you met him was this um yes this was tinder tinder's bad yeah i'm gonna let's see what's

what kind of interaction oh so this man on bumble, let me tell you about this man. So I know this dude. We work together on a show that's probably coming back, and we're going to work together again. We matched on Bumble. He was like, we know each other. And I was like, do we? And he was like, yeah, this is what I do.

And I was like, oh, shit, sorry. Yes, I do remember you. Your pictures look different than how you look now. And he's like, yeah. And he's like, let's go out. And I was like, oh, shit. Sorry. Yes, I do remember you. Your pictures look different than how you look now. And he's like, yeah. And he's like, let's go out. And I was like, great. Yeah, take me out to dinner and we'll fuck. And he was like, sounds like a plan.

So then we made plans. And I was like, I can meet you after my show. And he was like, let me come to the show. And I was like, ew, you want to come to an improv show? He's like, sure do. So then I like put his name in a UCB for for his little free ticket and then i get to the show and then he texts me he's like i'm actually working late we didn't wrap in time i'm not gonna make it the show was at 11 there's no way he works on reality like there's no way that whatever so then i was like okay fine whatever so then i'm away for like

11 days and then like two days before i come back oh no so then i said do you want to reschedule or what and he was like i don't know i'm kind of busy and i was like great i'll see you when we film again and he went cool and i was like okay so that's done then he texts me out of the blue and he's like let's go to halloween horror nights on sunday let's get spooky and i was like okay cool what time do you want to go he's like three and i was like what he's like let's go from three to nine and i was like that's the longest date i've ever heard he's like i'll pick you up and i was like i'll be at universal taping something i can just meet you there and he's like no go home first and then I'll pick you up. And I was like, why is he being so insistent? I'm picking me up.

So then he's like, no backing out. I'm buying the tickets now. I said, okay. And then I'm like at Universal, and I was like, you know what? What time does this actually start? Because three is crazy. So then I went online, and I was like, it doesn't start until seven. So I texted him.

I was like, this doesn't start until seven. Why are you trying to get there so early and he was like it does and I was like did you not read a thing when you bought the tickets what it what and then I was like also I have a show at 8 so let's go at like 9 and then we'll be there during like the real spooky time and then he never texted again what isn't that weird that's really weird i can't wrap my mind around it i told my therapist and she went he's sick and i was like do you think he wanted my first thought was like he wanted to come to your house and have sex before you went oh that was my maybe but who wants to have daytime sex the first time you have sex? Yes.

Sober? Very visual. You can see everything. Very everything. Yeah. Is that just my shame coming through? Yeah. No, I keep the lights on, but usually it's nightfall, so it's dim-ish.

Yes, exactly. It's cute, sexy lighting. Yes. And it was so confusing. And then for him to just like ghost after that wow yeah i mean he went to halloween horror nights there was no backing out he bought the tickets but then i don't think he bought the tickets because they were like 150 dollars if i bought a 150 ticket i wouldn't ghost be like, hey, we're going, right? Right.

But now I want to go to Halloween Horror Nights. I've never been. I've never been either. We just did the one on the Queen Mary. Have you ever done that one? That one's pretty cool because you're walking through basically the bottom of the ship that's closed all the time. Oh. So you're walking through the old pool that they used in,

I don't know, whatever years that was running, but they've made it into like a spooky Halloween maze where people are chasing you. And so, Oh boy. I feel like every year I get older, everyone gets more and more into Halloween,

right? It's very strange. Yeah. I mean, and I like dressing up. I like Halloween. It's gay Christmas. Don't get me wrong.

I'm going to a very elaborate party tonight in Malibu for it. Gay Christmas. Ooh, are you in Malibu? Yeah, our friend works for a real estate agent who is a Malibu real estate agent and therefore throws a very extravagant Halloween party where you see celebrities from your favorite shows passed out drunk in costumes. What a dream. I hope you see someone famous snorting coke and they offer you some. That is

very possible. And I hope you do it. Oh but I'm a good little boy. Just do a bump. No. Just a little bump. I don't want to. I just want a slider. Just a little bump. I just want some cheeseburgers. I just want some cheeseburgers just want some well i love cocaine and i shouldn't say that on a podcast no i don't know well the cops can't

get me no they're listening they're not watching me snore rails but i um have this one friend who anytime we go out he's got this other friend who will come and she always has these like huge claw nails and I'll be in the middle of a conversation and a nail full of cocaine will be under my nose and she'll be like sniff bitch sniff she's my favorite person in the world she seems fun but I never want

someone's long fingernail anywhere near my face well I'm sure she's a clean she's a clean lady she looks clean all the time okay good so then okay let me tell you about this other bumble man so this other bumble man and i have been talking so we started talking in july and wow in uh august he says to me, so the rest of this week is bonkers and next week is kind of what the fuck,

but I'd love to cram some time in somewhere if you're into it with this emoji, the arms up like, I don't know. And I said, yeah, let me know when you're free. Nothing. And I was like, what? Okay. And then yesterday, he messages me and says, so I held off reaching out because I knew I wasn't ready slash was working through shit and didn't want to waste your time.

No idea where you are, but would love to continue the conversation. Also, I'm in Iceland at the moment. So fuck me, right? LOL. And then he said, oh, he's actually really cute. Show me the picture. He sent a picture of himself. What is he doing in Iceland?

I don't know, but what do I say back to him? I'm going to do this in real time. Oh, man. Okay. I don't know. I have to say, my knee-jerk reaction is I'm not feeling his word choices. I feel like he lost me at, like, and next week's like, what the fuck? Yeah.

I was like, okay. It's like a 15-year-old who just learned how to curse. Well, I was thinking maybe it was like to soften like a rejection or something. I don't know. But then I was like, oh, I guess I am just like an afterthought to this man. But then I'm like, you, I guess I am just like an afterthought to this man. But then I'm like, you're in Iceland. What? So maybe I'll say, do you ever come back?

Or buy me a ticket to Iceland? Are you available? Are you tech available to fly to Iceland for this date? Okay. Is there a Guy Fieri restaurant in the Reykjavik airport? But there is one in South Africa. Isn't that nuts? Oh my God.

Second date with that guy. Oh my God. Imagine. I'm like, let's go in South Africa. Isn't that nuts? Oh, my God. Second date with that guy. Oh, my God. Imagine. I'm like, let's go to South Africa. Uh-huh. Or Cancun. There's a Guy Fieri restaurant in Cancun that I've been to. Layover.

Hit them both. Oh, my God. Imagine we just go to. And then there's some on cruise ships. Also, there's a Guy Fieri con. So in New York. You're in deep. I know. Well, it's because whoever wroteieri con. So in New York. You're in deep. I know.

Well, it's because whoever wrote about it in Time Out New York mentioned that I went to the one in the airport. So what they did last year was they bar hopped and ended up at Guy Fieri's American Kitchen. But that has since closed. So now the Guy Fieri con is trying to figure out where they're going to end up. Wait, what should I say to this guy? What was the last thing he said? He said, also, I'm in Iceland at the moment, so fuck me, right? LOL.

I'm going to say, oh, hi. Hello. I'm still down. No. That's like desperate right yeah i i mentally did some backspaces after that when you made that noise i deleted it uh okay hi hello hmm um when are you back in town yeah i think keep it like that simple okay okay hi oh hi Hi. Oh, hi. Hello. Hmm. Hmm. When are you back in town?

Okay. I would also, just for my own curiosity, ask him why he's in Iceland. Oh, yeah. Okay. Why are you in Iceland? Okay.

This is going to be good. I can't wait. Oh, boy. Let's see if he ever responds to me. I... Shit. I wish... I hope I could find this. This girl had messaged me.

She was, like, real-time updating me on her Tinder messaging. People DM me stuff all the time, it's wild and I never respond to everybody because it's too much. So this girl messaged me and she was like I'm fat. This very hot guy messaged me. I don't know what to do. And then she messaged a couple days later and goes okay

phew. He ghosted me. Crisis averted. And then on Thursday of this week at 7pm she messaged me again and went oh no he called for a date on saturday um her i won't say her full one it's called chick chic chica something if you are listening please message me again and let me know if you went out with him yeah and go out with him yes because i said when i answered her question i was like who cares that you think he is more attractive than

you yeah because she used the she was like he's he's out of my league and i was like leagues are a made-up thing yes there's tons of people who are ugly as fuck with beautiful people there's tons of beautiful people who are together tons of of ugly people. Like, there's love knows no league. I think that's a silly thing. And, yeah, people are into different shit, too. Yes. Like, the sentence, oh, no, I hope the hot guy ghosts me. Yes.

Is insane. It's crazy. Go for it. Go for it. Yeah. I, um, have you ever been to Portland? I haven't. The weirdest couples are in Portland.

Oh, really? Have you ever been to Portland? I haven't. The weirdest couples are in Portland. Oh, really? There's always just like an ogre of a woman with like a prince of a man or like a big fucking fat, round, grimace-looking man with a tiny, beautiful woman. And you're like, how? How you work. How does this go together? I love Portland.

I want to go because I hear there's a lot of great donut places. That's all I ever hear about Portland. Yeah, you got Voodoo Donuts, but then you have that here. That's here? Yeah, baby. Universal City Walk. What? I love Universal City Walk.

Near Jimmy Buffett's Margaritaville? Yes, bitch. Ow. I love Jimmy Buffett's Margaritaville. The margaritas Ow. I love Jimmy Buffett's Margaritaville. The margaritas are disgusting. They're so gross. So are the nachos, but they're all I ever want. But I love that there's a live band.

Last time I went, got wasted and danced in front of the band with a bunch of people. And they were like, this has never happened before. The first ever residual I got for Brooklyn came in the mail and I rushed to my computer and I bought a Jimmy Buffett Margaritaville frozen margarita machine and do you still have that in your house? yeah I have it and I bring it to parties

it's a party in a box I am a 50 year old suburban mom bring it to Malibu churn out some margaritas and then Rihanna will hopefully offer you cocaine hey mini driver do you want mango? That would be amazing. Okay, this man, Brayden.

Wait, did you ever do apps or did you just do Grindr? I did apps. Oh, I had apps. What were you on? I had a folder. The only time I ever made a folder on my iPhone was to be like, calculators. I can't bear to make a folder. Oh my God.

It's easy, but it's a way to keep them hidden. I don't know. What was that? I was on Grindr, Scruff. It was around back then. There was one called Jacked. I don't know if that's still around. Ooh, Jacked.

Wait, did Scruff go away? I don't know. Oh yeah, you don't know? You're not keeping up with that. Yeah, we're looking at dogs and surrogates. We're past that. Wait, you're going to get a baby? No, I shouldn't have said that because we're not yet.

I just said you're going to get a baby. You're going to get a baby. Oh, we're going to get a baby. Yeah, add to cart. Expedited shipping. This man messaged me on Hinge. He said, you are very attractive, but I would like to chat with you and see if we vibe.

Okay. What else would we do? So you've got a test coming up. Yeah. That's the whole premise of an app. Of dating as well. Yes. You chat and you see if you vibe.

Oh my goodness. I mean, it's very- Apps are the goodness. I mean it's very Abs are the worst. I mean, I don't know. I guess they found me my husband so I probably shouldn't take such a hard line stance. I mean. But I met so many duds. I keep meeting duds. Yeah.

And it is exhausting. The last date I went on before I met Bobby I remember was this guy who had little pistol tattoos pointing down towards his crotch. And that was his profile picture. And I don't know what I was thinking that I said yes to the date. But I got there and we were like talking about what we do. And I was like, so what do you do?

And he was like, oh, I get paid to stand by pools. What? And I was like, what? That's not a job. And he was like, well, sometimes it's cash. Sometimes it's product. And I was like, what? That's not a job. And he was like, well, sometimes it's cash, sometimes it's product. And I was like, no, you can't just be an attractive person professionally. I mean, I feel like there's so many in L.A. and they are the most boring people.

Oh, yeah, it was real. I, like, skipped away from that pretty fast. Ugh, I can't even imagine. I wonder what it's like for pretty people. It's not as fun as you'd think. Sorry, were you asking me how my experience is? Yes. As a pretty person.

What is it like being a gorgeous, beautiful man? As someone who's cut from stone and definitely doesn't have a lot of loose skin on his belly. You lost a lot of weight. I did. How much weight did you lose? I lost from top to low, I lost like 118. Damn.

Yeah. How? A lot of running. Ah. I hated it. Actually, I am really weird with food, which is clear. But when I go on like a diet or try to do a health thing, I just find one thing and then I just stick with it. I had a year or so where I ate nothing but Costco chicken teriyaki and I would bring it to people's houses.

It's all I ate our mutual friend Jocelyn Guess was my roommate at the time and all I did was just like fucking chop up some microwavable chicken teriyaki and you know what it worked interesting my friend also lost like 100 pounds by eating McDonald's cheeseburgers with no bun forever wow Wow. And I was like, your sweat must smell terrible. Exactly. And your shit must smell like bad shit. If you shit. Yeah, truly.

Yeah, that's wild. Did you start off running or did you grow into running? I grew into running. The first step was doing squats in a dark room in New Yorkork being like you're moving to la please be better than you are right now uh so that was where it began and then i like bought weights and i got really into like weight lifting it was like feeling i was making myself

like stronger like more what i wanted to look like i like weightlifting specifically because it makes me feel strong. Yeah. And I feel like I accomplished something. But then I was the other, I don't know, it was like a month ago. I was like,

there's like nothing tangible about weightlifting because like my goal is not, I don't want to like, I don't need to do weight. You don't want to compete? I'm fine. I don't want to compete.

I'm not trying to get all, you know, roided up. Also in the gym, there's so many signs that are like, don't do steroids. And I was like, none of the women here are doing steroids. Let's get real. You should go on American Ninja Warrior. You should just lift a ton.

They have comedians. Oh, my God. Really? I think Colton Dunn did it. And I know Nikki Glaser did it. I don't know if either one of them knew it was like they were competing. Right. I don't know.

I shouldn't speak for them. Maybe Nikki. I don't know. But I'm pretty sure the both of them did it. I don't know how far they got. I'm going to guess not far. Maybe I will do it. But I started pole dancing.

What? Because it's a very tangible thing that hurts. It is so hard. So now I can do a fireman spin, a sit spin, and a bad sundial spin. Whoa. Where you kind of look like half of a swastika. What is a sundial spin? Is that when?

One leg is bent in front and then the other one is bent in the other direction behind you so it's like okay yeah z type deal and you spin around and then i can do a combo of the three and then the other day we learned how to do a backwards like diamond or something where you have to spin backwards and as i was falling i involuntarily went, oh boy! Like a straight Mickey Mouse impression? Yes. Yes. And then I also really like pole dancing because maybe some of those women are trying to be sexy, but to me, it's not super sexy.

Yeah. It's hard to be sexy when sweat is pouring off your face and you're inverted. And you're just huffing and puffing and you're like, how do I do this? And then your hands sometimes get clammy and you're like, I can't swing! But like, yeah, I'm getting like calluses on my hands from swinging around. Honestly, it's

very empowering. Justin, we've come to the end of our little chat. Do you have we've come to the end of our little chat do you do you have something you want to plug promote yes oh boy

I mean the only thing I'm doing right now that I would promote is Brooklyn 99 which is going to be on NBC got cancelled on Fox NBC scooped it right up and then said not only do we want this, we want more episodes. More!

You're not done in December. You're done in March. Oh, man. That's an extension. It's an extension. St. Patrick's Day is the new New Year's. Yeah, and I think we start airing in January. I think they just announced.

So, yeah, tune in January on NBC. Justin Noble, thank you so much. Thank you. If you like this podcast, please subscribe on iTunes and rate it. And if you hit on me and say something nasty, I will read it. So let me find one okay so this person said I want to get sloppy drunk with you buy some strap-ons ride around the country fucking the white privilege and repressed toxic masculinity out of straight white dudes then retire to Aruba where we have a bunch of sexy pool toys, jello fight and wigs, and leopard print thongs. What a specific dream.

Thank you. Bye-bye. This has been a Team Coco production.