Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Nicole Wins an Orgasm Contest (w/ Matteo Lane)

Episode Date: July 7, 2023

Comedian and friend Matteo Lane returns to the podcast! They reminisce about his love life since his last episode, getting kicked off Grindr and Tinder for "catfishing" as himself, and why men are intimidated by successful women. Nicole wins the orgasm contest at the Thunder from Down Under Vegas show. Matteo hooks up with a dancer from Magic Mike. Plus, a whole lot more.  Watch Matteo Lane's new special, Hair Plugs & Heartache, free on YouTube. Have a question for Nicole? Submit it to [e-mail] to have it answered on a upcoming special. Follow Nicole Byer: Now on tour! Get tickets at linktr.ee/nicolebyerwastaken.Twitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerMerch: podswag.com/datemeNicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Oh baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast where me, Nicole Byer, was exploring why I'm still single. But five years later, it's been unanswered. So, I'm just exploring love and relationships and trying to get some advice on the way.

and relationships, and trying to get some advice on the way. My guest today is a hilarious comedian who was once named one of Variety's top 10 comics to watch. He could be seen in Netflix's queer stand-up special, Stand Out, and the comedy lineup, and performing to sold-out crowds all over this beautiful planet. What is this accent? Here's a new special. Hair plugs and hot take is now available on YouTube. I'm thrilled he's returning to the podcast. He's my good friend.

What good is sitting alone in your room? There I was, March 2020, sitting alone in my room. It's Mateo Lane! Woo! Thank you. Oh my God, Nicole. Look at it. I bought Mateo.

I love this shirt, Nicole. Look. I bought Mateo, Nicole. Look. I bought Mateo a present. It is a sweat. I washed it. I'm wearing it today. You are? Yeah.

It smells good. Oh, my God. Thank you, Nicole. I washed it. I bought it from Depop. And it is a little crop sweatshirt that says pasta. And then there's three guineas. And there's three guineas.

Can I say that? I wouldn't recommend it. But there's three Guinea Dago WAPs standing right there. Oh my God, I feel like that was, yikes, I don't know, they didn't feel good. There's, yeah, three little Italian, little 80s Italians. Ci sono tre ragazzi italiani. Ah, sì. Do you remember what I taught you in Italy? U sono bella dana.

Well, that does mean I'm a beautiful woman and you are, yeah. U sono bianca dana. Yeah. I'm a white woman. I went around Italy saying that and people kept going, you are a nice woman, but white you are not. My friend Francesca was smoking a cigarette. She goes, you're many things, but you're not white. Nicole could not stop laughing.

Ugh. Listen. It's funny to tell foreign people you don't know what race you are. Because it's very confusing for them. They're like, do I break it to her? Imagine that like you didn't know until you were 36. I mean, there is somebody in this world who doesn't know they're black. Yes.

And I want to meet them. And I want to break it to them. There's lots of people that don't know they're gay. There's lots of people that don't know they're gay. There's lots of people that don't know that they're white. Anyone in particular? Listen! There's always people on my mind, Mateo.

Wait, Mateo, so the last time you were here was February 2nd, 2018. You were single then I was single then and I was staying in your old apartment with John and I was sleeping on a couch with Veronica

and living a different life those were the days yeah that was a wild time because yeah me and John had that two bedroom Veronica Osorio would sleep on the couch sometimes sometimes uh allison rich would sleep on the couch it was a fun time i always had a good time at that apartment i mean actually that's sort of what solidified all of us and

every time i came to la it was like the only thing that made it feel like home was hanging out with you and john oh my god that's so Sashir would also sleep on that couch. Sashir will sleep anywhere. Literally will sleep anywhere. And so the last hurrah meets Nicole and Sashir. We always do New Year's together.

And so we were flying back from Italy and me and Nicole got first class and Sashir did not. She was number one on the upgrade list and I said, well, I'm just gonna go ahead and buy the ticket. Like an evil fucking friend. I was just like, okay, you're thin, you can survive being back there. A fatty?

They'll eat me alive. But also, Sashir's fine. They were like, you have to go you have to go the back of the plane You have to get under the plane. She'd be like, great. She'd be like, okay, is there snacks? She would be fine.

As long as you feed me, I'm fine. And she actually was smart because right before COVID and she was wrapped up like a mummy. We went back, I went to the bathroom to go give her a cookie and I couldn't find her.

I saw an ancient artifact. I was like, where's my friend? She had her hood, a scarf wrapped over her, her nose and her mouth. You could only see her. Oh, and there was no eyes because she was wearing a sleep mask.

Yeah. Are you single, Matteo? I don't know. I don't think so. No, I'm not. What a beautiful place to be. But like a month ago I was. Yeah.

The unknown but like kind of knowing is a beautiful place to be. I'm currently dating someone that I feel is very healthy for me. And vice versa, and a good communicator, and someone that I want to be friends with. Which I've never had that before. But have we said like, we're boyfriends? Those words haven't come out, but we're exclusively dating each other, and I'm not dating other people or sleeping with other people.

God, that is so nice. That is all that I want. The other day I looked at my dog Clyde, and I said, Clyde, are you the only man that's going to be loyal to me? Are you the only man who's going to stick by my side? And then he threw up on the floor. I'm not kidding. Wait, Mateo, can I read to you some messages that I've gotten?

Sure. On the dating apps? Are you still on the dating apps? I am not. When did you get off of them? The last one I was on was Raya, which is supposed to be like the elitist celebrity one. And didn't they think you were catfishing or was that Grindr? That was Tinder, well Grindr yes, when I tried

Grindr, it said that I was catfishing as Matteo Lane, so it kicked me off. And then I tried Tinder when I was in London a year ago, and then they also kicked me off. They said I was catfishing as Matteo Lane. So I was down to Raya, and then Raya, they try and match you someone who lives in Belgium, and they only show you five people a day. I'm like, well, this isn't really. Interesting. Fuck, where?

I took a screenshot because I was like, this is nuts. Okay, well, I'm going to read to you first. I'm going to read to you someone's profile. Okay. On Tinder? Yes. Okay. Who's looking for an actual man with a car, a place, a job? Crazy. I have to say these things. But L. Okay. Who's looking for an actual man with a car, a place, a job? Crazy.

I have to say these things. But L.A. Pedro Pascal level, daddy energy, mostly hilarious, hotter in person, globe trotter, dad jokes, pro at Irish goodbyes, 6'2 because height matters on profiles, no games, or BS. Ready for a real man? Let's do this! I hate this person. And he wrote to me, me damn can daddy enjoy those curves

you're fine af you know did you write back no you should i just took a screenshot i said yuck yeah this other man said to me, hey, sausage. Excuse me? What? This man said, hey, sausage. That's it? Yes. What?

What do you think that means? Is he calling me fat? You don't look like a sausage. If you wrote this to me and you listen to the podcast, maybe I'll just say, what do you mean? I'm going to say, what? Someone just said to me, que paso? What's up? What happened?

Oh, my God. What happened to what? Just que paso. Just that? Yeah. Wow, we're really crushing it on the dating apps. What happened? I'm like, that's a message on Instagram. So you're not looking for anybody right now.

And I said before, truly, just a lovely place to be. It's a real treat. Well, I haven't had good lucks with relationships. I only had two, and they've both not been great. Even though I'm friends with my second ex, it just didn't work romantically. What happened with your first ex? Do I know about your first ex? I don't know. We were young. I was probably

22 when we dated. 22? It wasn't great. I don't want to go into too much detail, but I don't think it was great. Looking back now, I don't think it was great. But this one feels very healthy and very good. So I feel like, you know, my career is going well, and it's nice to feel like I can share part of that,

you know, with someone, my success a little bit. That's lovely. That's the only thing anybody could possibly want, just to be able to share success with somebody. I mean, I'm truly looking for someone who's, like, happy for my success, proud of my success, and wants to, like, watch the Fast and the Furious movies with me while I scream information at

them. Well, you do deserve somebody who appreciates you. I do, I wonder sometimes, and I think gay men, we get this too, it's like there's, I don't know if, like, men are intimidated by women or other gay men we get this too it's like there there's i don't know if like men are intimidated by women or other gay men who are who do well or are very independent rather because i think people a lot

of traits and men want to feel like that they're like the center of someone's life and we're very friend and work oriented yes like you and i in particular are workhorses and obsessed with our friends. Yes. I love my friends very dearly. I would do anything for a friend. Also, I think, like, okay, I feel like a lot of people say that, like, men are intimidated by a successful woman. I think, sure, to an extent. But also, I have come to the realization that like I live in LA you have like the pick of like

traditionally beautiful women and I'm not saying I'm not pretty I'm just not traditionally pretty and I understand that and I know that so I do think that like the way I look does work against me here in LA I think I would clean up in other cities yeah I mean also I think I would clean up in other cities.

Yeah. I mean, also, I think, I mean, probably, the dating scene in LA and New York is just not it. I think outside of anything, it's everyone's fourth priority. So you're going on these dates, and it feels like a drive-through or a job interview, and no one's connecting. And especially here in LA, everyone's like, you know,

and what are you doing right now? It's like, what does that matter? Why are you not? One of these questions has been about my integrity. What's a question that you would like to get asked about your integrity? I mean, moral questions, you know? Like, how do you see yourself communicating in a relationship? Oh, my God.

Something like that. That's a great question. question well i think that's the most important things i think everyone is afraid to talk to each other about what they're thinking and feeling including myself and past relationships based out of fear i think a fear motivates a lot of people in their relationships and then that's where things start to spiral and i think it's better to just be up front and get that out of the way and then build your foundation on someone who's going to be honest no matter what because even if it's not pretty honesty at least is more healthy I just watched an Instagram video where it was a lady playing both parts okay and the one person was like you wouldn't want me to tell you if I was less attracted to you if you gained weight.

And the other person was like, yes, I do. And he's like, but you would get mad at me. And they were like, I wouldn't get mad at you. I would just know that you tie everything about this relationship to the way that I look. So you should be honest with me and tell me. And then the other person was like, but then you would leave. And they were like, yes. And I thought that was really interesting because a lot of people in relationships will hold back actual thoughts because they don't want the other person to leave and they want to not communicate their feelings well.

Did I explain that well? Yeah, you did. I think that, you know, that right there, the question in and of itself, the theory question he asked already means that we have a bad foundation. Yeah, because I think about that a lot. I'm like, what if I like, what if my body changed? Or not what if, my body will change. What if I get into a relationship with somebody and they're like, I don't like your new body.

And I'm like, what? I would say I think that's a problem. Right? Yeah, you want someone who's, you know, there's certain things obviously about health in relationships and I think it's good for partners to tell other partners like, are you smoking? Are you drinking too much?

Look, there's certain things that you do that, you know, maybe aren't appropriate. Now we're getting into our fucking 40s. And there's certain health things. So, you know, I think that those kind of conversations are important. Or if someone is concerned about their body and expresses to their partner, I'm feeling a certain way. And their partner says, well, then what can we do to mitigate those problems or at least focus on getting you to a place where you feel like you're happy, you know, and healthy and I'm there to be with you. But it shouldn't be about you look this way and I want you to look this way because that right there goes that shows you everything about that person yeah because then it's like you weren't in it for the right reasons

a lot I think a lot of people aren't in it for the right reasons people are in jobs for the wrong reasons you know relationships and again that's where I think it's fear based and fear motivated rather than love it's harder to to look for things when it's love-based and communication-based. But I don't know. Far and few between. Did this get too serious? No. Okay.

Well, I don't have – I didn't ask Lindsay for a one-sheet on you. She usually does research on my guests. Okay. And she did ask. She said, do you need a one-sheet on Mateo? I know you're friends with him. And I said, no, bitch! Live! So she didn't do a

one-sheet, so I don't have anything to... So now you know nothing about me. I have nothing to reference. We're promoting my special. I should have asked her for a one-sheet! Which comes out June 11th on YouTube called Hair Plugs and Heartache. Yes. So please watch it. I worked really hard on this.

And I've seen it. It's fabulous. It's so good. Thanks. It's like, I don't know, like some of your best work that I've seen. Thanks. There's this one story from this Instagram post

that really gets me good. It's really, I just, I'm excited for people to see this because I got to see it. I saw it at the Ace Theater. Yeah. I got to open for you,

showed up, and I said, who's hosting? And you said you. Wait, okay. So let me explain. Anytime me, Sashir,

Nicole does something, we ask each other to host for each other. So I hosted for your special. I've hosted for Sashir's special. So anything special, right? So I was like, oh, my God, I'm doing two shows at the Ace Theater,

downtown LA. It's sold out. It's 4,000 people. I'm very excited. So I said, Nicole, will you host the shows for me? Because I thought it would be fun. And you go, absolutely. So then a week before, I text, like, see you Friday.

For what? I was like, for the shows. You're like, I can't do Friday. I go, okay, Saturday? Well, sure. I go, it's at the Ace Hotel Theater. Then I said, I got your email, right? And then I had my tour manager send you all the information the morning of

what time is it? I said, well, it's at seven. I'm getting there at six 30. Where is it? I said, did you not get the email?

I didn't get the email. And I go, okay. So we get there and I'm sitting across from Joel can booster and river butcher. Nicole walks in and goes, where's the drinks? Where's the wine?

I go, first of all, all my friends are in AA, right? And you don't drink. And I don't drink. I mean, every once in a while I do. And I was like, oh, yeah. I'm like, we'll get you wine. And then you go, now who's hosting? And I go, Nicole, you're hosting.

You go, I don't want to host. I go, Nicole. And then Joel's like, well, I'll host. I'm like, no, you're not. I was like, Nicole is going to go, Nicole. And then Joel's like, well, I'll host. I'm like, no, you're not. I was like, Nicole is going to host this show. And then what happened? Nicole goes out. She couldn't talk for two minutes because they were cheering so loud for her.

And she murdered. And that's why I didn't advertise you or Joel or Miss Coco Peru, anyone on the show. Because I was like, I want to bring out my friends, especially people that people know. So you walked out there. Between you and Joel walking out there, I mean, they lost their minds. Yeah, it was very fun.

And I will say, I fully apologize for not writing down the dates of the show. I don't take any offense to it. I am such a full-blown Looney Tunes sometimes. You're a busy woman. Well, thank you, Matteo. I'm so excited for you. Where did you start doing stand-up in Chicago? I started in Chicago

I started when I was 23. My first show was with Marty DeRosa. He hosted this show at this bar where you would win like, they would give away sex toys. And I did three minutes. Lisa Trager was on that show and 33 members of my family came.

That's so supportive. But that's when I started. But then I really started like really actually dedicated to stand up because I just didn't understand what it was. I started Chicago January of 2011. And then I did it for however long until I moved to New York

moved to New York City and just the first day I moved to New York I was doing open mics stand up has been my through line for everything I'm not

the industry is not really knocking on my door but maybe after this special special. Sometimes my body betrays me. But also the one time you're trying to get serious in the interview. I don't mean know what happened. You threw your head back.

Oh, my God. Cole, you went. I can't believe my body did that. Well, after they see this special. But I'm at the point now in my career, I'm like, none of that matters to me. I'm doing exactly what I want to do I don't view stand up as a less form of art than acting or writing

I view it very important I take it very seriously and I love touring I'm doing gorgeous theaters you're doing such huge venues it's truly wild so you know I don't know I'm having a great time

and I'm enjoying my life and, you know. Do you have chuckle fuckers? I'm sure I do. I mean, I get hit on a lot, but I'm more concerned about the work, to be honest with you. Okay. It's true. Okay. It's true.

I'm just really concerned with the work. Have you seen me post-show? I'm kidding. What am I? I know. I know. I don't even. I'm like, concerned with the work. Have you seen me post-show? I'm kidding. What am I? I know, I know. I don't even, I'm like, okay, this joke didn't go well, that joke went well, this joke didn't go well, da-da-da-da. Then I go over all my notes, and then I immediately go to the hotel.

I know, I was kidding. That was like after my City Winery show. You were trying to compliment me, and I was like, no, I missed punchlines. Nicole, you literally did a brand new hour. It was like your fourth time doing it. And I was like, wow. I was like, to have that much writing in such a short amount of time is so impressive. And I loved this joke.

I love that joke. You were like, it was horrible. I'll never do it again. I quit this career and die. I was like, a little dramatic. I know. You were so good. Thank you.

And Christy did 76 minutes. She said, this is my show. Christy Cheller. What if she gets mad at me for doing her voice? Probably not. No, I don't think so. I don't think so. She makes me laugh so hard.

She's so fucking funny. I adore her. Mateo, we have to take a break. Mateo. As a single lady, what kind of advice can you give me on how to keep a boyfriend? I would give you the advice that Cher gave, that men are like desserts.

Oh. That they're great and they're lots of fun, but they're not necessary. Justice said in an interview, someone was like, when are you going to get a man? She's like, I am my own man. You know, I am my own like, I am my own man. You know, I am my own man. I am my own man. Oh, Sonny, you son of a bitch. She's trying to sell her

Moroccan estate, and it's very expensive. Well, because, honey, babes, I worked really hard decorating it, and it looks like the Cheesecake Factory. I will say, it's a little bit better than Cheesecake Factory. So it's not like a 2005 Tuscan fantasy.

Oh, God. Thank God that's over with. Oh, thank God. Minimalism is far. Minimalism and some marble, I'm fine with. Ew. Remember we saw Cher, and she came down, and you cried immediately? She came down in a birdcage and an afro

that appropriated every race you could think of. I remember. Yeah. And I loved it. I was sobbing. And she did stand up for a little bit. Yeah. She was like, oh, I'm 72, bitch.

My knees hurt. I need Boniva. I need Boniva. Oh, I loved her. And then she sailed across the stage in a gondola. She did a duet with herself. She really did. And I had a blast.

Then Cher, so Cher was able to touch Cher. And then the lady hated you that worked there and stood in front of Nicole, wouldn't let Nicole get close to the stage. And then Nicole threw her entire drink on that woman. And she smiled at me. I've never felt someone's energy permeate more than Nicole's that day because I was behind her

and I go, Nicole, don't you do it, Nicole, don't do it. Nicole, sit on her. And she smiled

and said, have a nice day. And we ran. I was like, we're about to get arrested in Caesar's Palace. Also, we went and saw Magic Mike.

They stole Sashir, sang to her on a piano Mateo hooked up with a dancer who made me watch three episodes of Charmed before we had sex you never told me that that was perfect I went over to his house

I'm like wow a Magic Mike dancer this is gonna be hot and he's like you wanna watch TV you know gays watch TV sure right and he put on Charmed no I wanna watch TV and he was very serious

about it he was like oh my god i this is my i love this episode i'm like fuck me what are we doing here um so funny i got nothing i had to steal a glass from magic mike because they wouldn't give me a thing but then we went to thunder down under the next night everything and nicole there was six people in the audience uh They ripped off Sashir's wig. They spun a woman around in a computer chair so hard that she flew out of it. And then they were like, we're going to invite three women to the stage. It goes like, it means that she was like, her, her, give her something. Because Nicole kept saying, I just want to get fucked.

So she goes on stage. It's her and these two, I don't know, boring white women. And the host, who's like, I'm sure is a fake Australian, is like, all right, ladies. So here we're going to go. We're going to do one at a time. We're going to do your best impression of an orgasm. And then whoever the winner is gets a special prize. So of course Nicole was last.

First girl goes up. She's like, ooh, ooh, ah, ah, ooh, ooh, ah, ah. And then the next girl's like, ooh, ah, ooh, ah. Then Nicole's turn. And it's obvious Nicole is a well-seasoned performer. Because he goes, Nicole, you can do anything. You can touch any part of me. And Nicole goes, any part?

He goes, any part of me. And she goes, are you sure I can touch any part of you? And he said, absolutely. She grabs his crotch. And then she made the loudest orgasm sound in the world. Of course, Nicole wins. Now the audience is dying. It's become the Nicole Byer show.

And instead of getting fucked like she thought, they just gave you a boa. It was the scraggliest boa I've ever seen. But all the dancers requested a photo with her because they'd never had someone give that kind of an orgasm on stage. Everyone who wins the orgasm contest gets a photo. Really? Yeah. One of them told me. I was like, oh, I feel so special that you guys wanted a picture.

And they're like, we didn't want it. You get it. And I was like, okay. Well, to be fair, they were the worst dancers i've ever seen thunder i loved it down under they were all in a different show it was perfect some of them weren't even in a show some of them are just lost on computer chairs on stage i was like we paid money for this it was like the cheapest chairs at Staples. Oh my gosh. Good times. Good times. Wait, can I tell you what I did today while I was running late?

Sure. I was buying toilets. From where? No, no. Thank you, Rich, for asking. That's not the first question you ask. I would like to say, she so casually said, I'm sorry I was late. After that, my coffee wasn't on time.

Something that someone does sort of generally every single day. When someone's buying a toilet, I can't think of anything more specific and time consuming. A toilet. I mean, you buy a toilet once every 15 years and you said it to me like you got a bagel. Buying toilets. Plural? Yes. So I. Plural? Yes. So I.

What color? I think it's called mint green, but also he might have said Ming green, but I hope he said mint and I misheard him. You want it to be green or purple? No. Well, I also have a purple toilet. Oh, oh, oh. Am I revealing too much about your life right now here's the thing

when i talk about it it sounds like my house is literally insane it is i reveal that i painted my tv room or my living room a watermelon color the ceiling is watermelon and so the red or the green this is outside of the watermelon that's what she said and that's a fucking insane thing a watermelon color. The ceiling is watermelon. The red or the green? Outside of the watermelon or inside? That's what she said, and that's a fucking insane thing to ask. Well, because I could imagine... Whoever talks about the outside of a watermelon being a color that you're going to paint something?

I mean, you could. Nobody! So someone else asked this question. So Cher did. First of all, you're deciding to paint your ceiling a watercolor, or a watermelon. So don't come after us for asking a question because we've never seen a watermelon ceiling.

All right. It is the pinky color of a watermelon. And are you going to put the black seeds in it? No. Or is it seedless? It's a seedless watermelon. I'm not trying to choke the children. So it's a pink ceiling.

It's not pink. It's watermelon. So anyway, I have a purple toilet in one bathroom. My bathroom is getting a black toilet. And then there's a green toilet. Ming. You're right. It's Ming green.

Which is a strange. Oh, okay. I was like, that's such a weird name for it. So yeah. It does look like mint. Yeah. It does look like mint. Yeah, it does look like mint. And he was like, Ming. And I was like, huh, okay.

But yeah, I have just an array of colorful toilets. You live, out of all of my friends, and you're one of my best friends, you live the most extravagant life. They're used toilets. Other people have shat in these toilets. Don't say that. Nicole, don't say that. What? They're used.

I love your life. I went to the Pasadena Salvage Center. Pasadena Architectural Salvage? Yes. And it's fabulous. They have doors. Just rows and rows of doors. And this is how I know I'm on the spectrum.

I could look at doors all day every day. Oh, this is a show. Can you believe it? I love you. I love you. And I'm so happy that you're here in person in the studio. Isn't it? It makes me happy for just all your success.

Because you've not done anything but be yourself. Here's also a secret people do not know about Nicole Byer. Nicole Byer comes off very funny and goofy and playful, but she turns into Joan Crawford as a businesswoman. She is the best businesswoman in this industry. I don't know anyone who has more respect for themselves in this industry, knows what they want, knows what they deserve, doesn't play around with it.

You know, ask Virginia Beach. I'll never go back. I do appreciate that. I do... You taught me a lot about how to conduct myself, how to talk to agents, how to talk to people who you're working with, how to behave on stage, all that stuff. Well, it's just funny because I learned very early that when they offer you $10. Which was MTV.

They have $20. Yeah. But you'll settle on $18, $19. And then sometimes when they offer you $10, they have $30. So then you go to $20. and then sometimes when they offer you $10 they have $30 so then you go to $20

you just like it's like whatever the opening offer is they're willing to give that to you which means they have more money yeah they would never give you the top no like here's the ultimate

that we can give you and it's the same thing with like non-entertainment jobs if they offer you a certain amount of money they have more but that's what Barbara Corkin says always ask for a raise Always ask for a raise.

Always ask for a raise. You remind me of myself when I was younger. Hot, smart, and sexy. But I'm out. For that reason, I'm out. For that reason. One time she was explaining a restaurant. We didn't know what it was.

Because she sold that food truck. You know, that lobster food truck. And she was like, so now we put it in one place so instead of running around the city trying to find it it'll always be in the same place and it's called a restaurant i was like yeah we know barbara i think it's barbara who insulted whoopie on the she did Literally came for her. She was something about pairs of pants and she was like, She said,

after you're done with those pants, I'm going to take them and turn them into two pairs. Yeah. And Whoopi was like, wait, what? Yeah. What?

Isn't that rude? Oh, I love it. The fuck? And then I think she did a tour of her apartment in New York and it's, if I had an apartment like that, I wouldn't let anyone see it.

Did I tell you I met her? Well, she also, during the middle of a pandemic, thought it would be appropriate to show a picture of her coming out of a casket for her birthday party. But Barbara Walters told Celine Dion she's ugly and told her, yeah, Celine, you were not beautiful. The younger kids called you vampire girl. Oh, my God. Tell us about that I don't know why What is Celine supposed to say

I'm so sorry Barbara I should have been Better looking When I was younger I'm so sorry for you Like she's 13 Like leave her alone She's this 13 year old

Singing beautifully Yeah And Barbara's like But your looks But you're ugly But Barbara Walters And Trina Wintour A great comic

Trina Wintour Look her up She lives in Montreal She brought up. But Barbara Walters and Trina Wintour, a great comic. Trina Wintour, look her up. She lives in Montreal. She brought up to me, Barbara Walters is obsessed with looks. She would ask people if they're pretty, what's it like to be beautiful? And if they weren't pretty, why aren't you beautiful? That's very funny. I think it's, who's that man with the suspenders?

Larry King? Yes. Yeah. He asked DJ Khaled, he was like, what about your success? And he's going on and on about his success. And he's like, why are you so fat? And then he was like, I guess I just ate a lot. But then later I saw on Instagram DJ Khaled made a video that was like, why don't I lose weight?

Because I never lose. And I was like, well, I'm going to use that for the rest of my life. When my doctor says, what's going on with your weight? And I'll be like, I never lose. And then she's going to be like, so you want to keep the diabetes? We have to take another break. Okay. Mateo, would you date me?

Nicole, we are dating. I know. I talk to you all day every day. I know. We've seen each other naked multiple times. I don't think you've ever seen me fully naked. I've never seen you fully naked. You've seen me fully naked.

There's pictures of it. Maybe you're holding your crotch. I've never seen your dick and balls yes I don't know why I said bean bean it just felt so raw

to say penis but we were very close we're basically dating yes I do love you your family your family to me too

I love you so much I think the world of you I feel very blessed that we have such a beautiful fun friendship and that we met each other on Sashir's bed 11 years ago. It is funny. You were the little man in the attic.

I wasn't. I wasn't. Do you know you started my whole career? What do you mean? Because I was just an open mic-er and I remember I did this diversity showcase at, this is the NBC diversity showcase, and they had auditions. You wait all day in line. It was at Gotham. And I went up, and they were like, you know, basically no.

And I was like, I feel like I was a better comic than they said I was. And you said, well, you should talk to my friend Dory and do the diversity showcase in L.A. I'll get you his number right now. And then you sent dory a video of me and he was like i want to meet him tell him to come out to la now i've never i'm an open micer i've never done this and then because i was going to la um uh someone connected me with my old manager and was like oh you should have a manager there so that they can like guide you and that was the start of everything i didn't know that oh my god i'm powerful you are powerful you owe me your career give me 10 of all of your earnings you would be like get this

shit away from me i want more toilets i want a pink one a purple one a blue one, a purple one, a blue one, and a mean green. And here's the gang. I'm not even installing these toilets. They're just lined up on my front lawn as decor. I wouldn't put it past you. I would believe you 100%. And it says, feel free to take a shit. I'll use it as stuff for the farm.

Because I had a farm. Remember my farm during the pandemic? Farm or you grew some strawberries? Farm? You know. You don't have to do that. Because I was a farmer. Okay.

My harvests were small. Six or seven tomatoes at a time. I couldn't figure out how to grow strawberries. They would only get to be like teeny, teeny, tiny. They'd be like the size of my thumb. And when people would come over, I would slice them up. If we have 16, it's like you're having one strawberry. And I would just give people these itty bitty slices of strawberry like a lunatic.

It's like the plant didn't want to grow. No, and I would talk to them all the time when I dislocated my ankle. I remember pulling myself up on my windowsill to look outside to where my plants were, and I said, you all have to die! And then Millhiser was like, I'll water them. And I was like, oh, okay.

Well, Matteo, we've come to the end. What would you like to promote? Watch my special June 11th on YouTube called Hair Plugs and Heartache. It's going to be fun. I'm on tour. So please come see me on tour at MateoLaneComedy.com. And you can catch me and Nicole at the you can catch us on the moon

we're going to the moon bitch we're gonna get a ticket via Elliot Musk if you like this episode you can like you can rate, subscribe, give me 5 stars on iTunes or whatever, or iPodcast, I don't fucking know, Spotify and shit. But if you write me something nasty hitting on me, I'm running low. We need more submissions.

It's WhyWon'tYouJayMePodcast at gmail.com. Mars, my producer, reads it. And she doesn't want to see dick pics because she ain't like that. So this person said, Hi, Nicole. Here's my dirty wish i want to suck your vagina until all the juices come out and my tongue dissolves into your puss is his tongue made of like like candy i don't is my vagina made of acid then you scream why won't you lick me as i shove my big member up your booty.

Oh, yes, because I guess my vagina is acid. And you shout, what a treat, what a dream. You cum and then I drink it as a smoothie for breakfast. So it is acid because my cum is thick enough to be a smoothie. And you drink my cum for lunch. What will we have for dinner that's funny that's it people are unwell i love it these are my favorites i have read them in front of some people and i've done some episodes where i don't read them in front of people because i've like read the room and i'm like this i think is

gonna you know i don't think you like me and people because I've like read the room. I'm like, this I think is gonna, you know, I don't think you like me and this is gonna send you over the edge. Which is like, that's fine. All right, that's it. Mateo. Do you want to get lunch?

I have a meeting at two. I can get a quick bite. No, it's okay. At Cafe Gratitude. Okay. Or Llama Night. This is fun. This is what the people really want.

They do. People want to know what we do. They want to know. Oh, my God. It's a Zoom. It's enough with Zoom. It's enough already with Zoom. People love a Zoom.

I once hopped on a Zoom for them to tell me just when something was airing. And I was like, is that it? And they were like, yes. And I was like, okay. And they were like, great to see you. And I was like, that it and they were like yes and I was like okay and they were like great to see you and I was like alright toodaloo you know that would have been a parking meeting this or that

so at least we can do it on our phone but I was like can we just have it be a phone call and then there's some meetings I've had that should it like a notes call I'm like that should be a zoom I want to see your faces you give me the note yeah i want to know if you believe in this note do do they do auditions still in person at all listen this is what the sag after um we voted to authorize a strike part of our

what we want is a cap on pages for zoom auditions because no one has really gone back in person um they're asking you to memorize 13 pages at a time they're like it's due tomorrow at 7 a.m and you're like um so that's that's part of it yeah i think two pages is enough i think so but also and if they like more, then I'll do 13. Yeah, sure. Yeah, for a callback, I'll do more. But a lot of times, and this has happened several times to me, I've learned an audition.

I've put it on tape. I've rehearsed it. I have made John Millheiser come to my home. I've made him give me notes. I've made him help me through it and then submitted it. And the next day they went, oh, the offer is already out to somebody. And I'm like, I understand that I did that as a backup. And I understand how the world works.

But why don't you finalize your offer before you make people work? Full three? I just don't audition anymore. I mean, I would love to be offer only. That would be a dream. I'm certainly not offer only. Mateo Lane is offer only. You heard it here first. He won't audition. He won't even come.

I will come. Alright, that's it. Goodbye, Mateo. I love you, Nicole. I love you, Mateo. Why Won't You Date Me with Nicole Byer is produced by me, Mars. It's executive produced by Adam Sachs, Nick Liao, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco. With talent bookings by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Maddie Auden. Got a question, crazy dating story, or a dirty message for Nicole?

Write it to whywontyoudatemeepodcast at gmail.com for a chance to have it featured on a future episode. Thanks for listening. We'll see you next week with a brand new episode. Bye-bye.