Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Nicole's Boyfriend Speaks His Truth (w/ Dan Black)

Episode Date: January 27, 2023

In January, Nicole shocked the world with an Instagram post announcing her relationship with comedian Dan Black. On this episode,  Dan joins Nicole to respond to some of the comments they've received about their relationship, discuss their kinks, and reflect on their decision to hard launch the relationship.  Write to Nicole! Submit your dirty pick-up lines, dating stories, or questions to [e-mail] for a chance to have it read on-air. Black Lives Matter.  Click here for an updated list of over 100 different things you can do to support racial justice.   Follow Nicole Byer: Twitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerMerch: podswag.com/datemeNicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? Where me, Nicole Byer, is exploring being in a new relationship or maybe not. Who knows? I don't know. But today, my guest is my fucking boyfriend.

He's a hilarious comedian. my fucking boyfriend he's a hilarious comedian he's the host of the last improv show which I do all the time because that's where we found our love we met this year in the year of 20 or last year 2022 you catch the next show February

13th the day before Valentine's Day at Dynasty Typewriter please welcome my boyfriend. Or maybe he's not. I don't know. Dan Black.

Oh, my God. What a pleasure to be here, baby. Or baby? Baby? Yeah, who knows, Dan? Are we a baby couple? Are we knows, Dan? Are we a baby? Are we a baby couple? Are we a baby couple?

That's something we haven't discussed yet in the relationship. Are we a baby couple? We haven't discussed a lot of points of our relationship. Like, are we actually in a relationship? I don't know. No, I don't know. I'm not sure either. I mean, who can say, you you know in this day and age what constitutes

a relationship you know that's what i think but i will tell you what happened the night i posted that you were my boyfriend so you posted a carousel of pictures um and one of which was us kissing at the last improv show. Yes. And it was a professional photo captured by, what is her name? Jill Petrasek. She's a great photographer and she has taken a lot of cute pictures of me. But you put that in your carousel. So then I was like, you know what would be really funny if I posted it and said he's my boyfriend.

So I posted that that another picture and then i found other pictures of us together and then i wrote i met my boyfriend in 2022 i love him so much damn black so that's how our relationship began yeah and it was complete complete unilateral decision that you made via social media that I was your boyfriend and I found out about it on New Year's Eve when my phone was going insane. So I was in Bahamas. So you were in LA. So I was ahead of you. And I was like a little drunk, posted it, laughed, went to sleep, and woke up and was like, oh, no. What have I done? Oh, so you had regret about it?

You had regret about the relationship? Not regret. I just forgot how many people are invested in the point of me dating or being in a relationship, which is why I won't confirm or deny whether or not we're actually in a relationship. No, that's not going to happen. By the end of this pod, people will not know. And maybe we might not even know. Who knows what kind of journey we're in for here? We might find romance through this episode.

Who knows? I mean. We here. We might find romance through this episode. Who knows? You know, I mean, we might we might find romance. It is nice how much, you know, that is one thing I will say, Nicole. It is, you know, from my perspective of this situation of, you know, becoming in a relationship with someone who decided that they're my girlfriend. I the amount of messages that I got of people being like, oh, wow, I'm so glad for Nicole. Like you seem perfect for her. And then some really weird ones.

Some people just saying that I was giving them queer vibes and stuff. And I was getting all kinds of mixed messages. But at the end of the day, the one thing that was unifying between all these messages was that everyone really is invested in your happiness. And that's like that's awesome no no it's really nice i do want to read some of the messages because they were so kind um also my favorite post i did about us was just a casual sitting session with my man for whatever reason that made me laugh so hard and nobody else was like lol

no it's funny because well it's a it's a you said we were having a casual sit because we're in the mid improv scene now casual sitting with a boyfriend is not an activity uh yeah but it is an activity if you've never had a boyfriend before everything is uh magical if you've never if you've never been in a relationship okay this person said if this isn't real i'm heartbroken and shook um another person said hard launch everyone loves to see and then a lot of congratulations it was it was a little overwhelming i think i mean i got some messages that were pretty intense in the same vein. Like it was one woman who messaged me and was like, if this is a joke, it's really fucked up and I'm done with both of you.

And I was like, you never started with me to be done with me. You're just going to be immediate done. You don't even follow me. I had to accept this request, DM. So I'm not sure what kind of relationship they think we had, but I appreciate them being done with me because that's something, right? It is something. Okay, listen, this person said he's what?

No, I just want to say, do you sometimes fantasize about a casual sit with a man? I'm saying you really were like, no, you defended casual sit with a man? I'm saying you really were like, no, it's you defended casual sit. I thought, you know, together you and I are improv training. We would go in on the fact that like a casual scene,

that's not an activity. And you're like, no, so us singles casual sitting is very much an activity. You know? I mean, yeah, I,

I would love a picture of me and a significant other just like having a nice sit any like beverages involved or just a sit like just a bench i mean it depends if we're in a park maybe we have a bottle of water with two straws or maybe if we're like sitting outside a bar we have our drinks from the bar and we're just sitting and it's casual and it's cute and it's nice and someone's like oh my god i gotta capture that well not to get into semantics but i think if you're at a bar having a drink that negates a casual sit that's going out to a bar for a drink that's getting a drink a casual sit to me is like what you said park bench like just using a park bench or like the side of a beach yes yes something like that i like that do you ever just

enjoy a park bench sometimes i can't do i don't have that in me they're just like i'm gonna i haven't been to a park in a long long time but when i lived in new york and i had tons of time like in between things and i was like i don't want to spend the 250 to go home and then the 250 to come back i would sit in the park or i'd sit in Barnes & Noble and read. Yeah, wow. Sit in Barnes & Noble and read. You're that cheap? You can't take the book to go? What are you... Can I tell you? I just, I got a new computer

from Mac. Everyone judged me because I was trying to get the 16-inch MacBook Pro and they were like, what are you doing on it? I was like, surfing the web, bippin' and boppin'. And they're like, get the Air Mac. I don't know. Anyway, I couldn't pick it up then. They said I had to come back two hours later. So I went to Barnes and Noble. This is this year. And I sat and I read for a very long time. Does that mean I'm cheap? Did you buy a book?

I ended up buying a book, but the book I read most of I didn't buy. But maybe you didn't like that one. I mean. No, I liked it. I think I just got all the stories I wanted out of it. If you preview, it depends if it's a paperback or a hardcover. If you preview a paperback, right, you're ruining the whole scene. You know what I mean?

It was a hardcover. I would never do that to a paperback. I would buy a paperback. Right. You can't be bending a paperback and then putting it back on the shelf no that's terrible no that would be terrible if it's a hardcover then i give you a pass but yeah no thank you yeah yeah no but also here's what i'd say get that fucking 16 inch macbook pro well i ended up getting a 24 inch fucking desktop that's what i'm on right now see it's like you're

like far away or whatever this is beautiful you're a wealthy woman treat yourself you know what i mean do it do it up i know where you came from you do a basement were we on our first herald team together i don't know if it's our it wasn't my first one but we were on a team called dance break no it was my second i was on standard oil first and then i moved to dance break wow this is information that like eight people are like wow so okay jigs up i didn't meet dan in 2022 i met dan in 2008 2010 yeah like 09 or something a long fucking time ago i've known you fucking forever it's wild i know i just want to read this other comment. Okay, someone said, he's married, y'all, and not to Nicole. What a cruel joke. Okay, I'll defend myself for a second.

I really didn't. Okay, one, I don't know if it's a joke or not. We haven't decided. Two, I didn't realize how invested people were. I really didn't. I know I've done this podcast for a very long time, and I knew people would be like, oh, yay. But I had no idea that there would be an outpouring

and then constant questions as to like, is it true? Confirm or deny. But I can't confirm and I can't deny. I don't know. Well, I can't confirm or deny also because this whole thing started on you. So it's on you. I think you need to tell me if we're in a relationship, you need to tell me.

Oh, my God. But I do think it is. I do think that you're the level of, I guess, let's call it fame, even though that seems kind of like, you know, you're famous or whatever. But I'm mildly successful. I can still go grocery shopping. I mean, I don't know. You know, Julia Roberts can still go grocery shopping i mean i don't know you know julia roberts can't go grocery shopping to rajee p henson i don't think you go grocery shopping is that how you gauge it if you can go grocery shopping now when you go grocery shopping

do you get stopped when you're shopping no that's what i mean like i can go grocery shopping and i'm fine i can walk into the mall and be fine. I've been to the Americana several times this year. I went and saw Megan at the Americana. Nobody stopped me. Nary a time. That's truly how I gave it. But that's LA. You're in LA. I see celebrities all the time and I don't stop them.

The other day I was in back of the line. I was in back of line and then the guy in front of me was Kevin Bacon. You were in back of line? I was in back of line. I was in back of the line. I was in back of line, and then the guy in front of me was Kevin Bacon. You were in back of line? I was in back of line. I was in back of line. You were in back of line? I was in back of line.

I was in back of line. Where were you? At all time. Dan, where were you back of line? Back of line at all time. Okay. I love all time. All time's very good.

They have a good parfait. Parfait is very good. A little expensive for my taste. Oh, come on. The food is delicious. Okay, whatever. I got no problem. So you're in back of line at All Time.

The guy in front of me is Kevin Bacon. Okay? Kevin Bacon about to purchase bacon. Possibly. Was Keira Sedgwick with him? No, but I think he was with his daughter. Who's like, you know, she was great in the movie Smile. I believe her name is Saucy Bacon.

Her name is Little Bacon. Saucy Bacon? Saucy Bacon. Her name is Little Saucy Bacon? Her name is Little Saucy Bacon. That's a great name. I love Little Saucy Bacon. She's a beautiful nipple baby.

And so is Kevin. She's Little Sa saucy bacon. She's a beautiful nepo baby. And so is Kevin. She's a little saucy bacon. But yeah, so, but like, I wouldn't say anything to him. No one was saying, and no one was saying anything to him. Hey, Nicole, side note. I was on an airplane like last year with a Backstreet Boy and no one cared. Like no one cared. Was he in first class or was he in coach he was in first class

but he was you know wearing a hat like a big brimmed hat you know what i mean like he was which one kevin okay would you say anything to a backstreet boy or you let him go i bet you a hundred dollars people said something to this backstreet boy and i bet you a hundred dollars at least three people said something to kevin bacon a Boy and I bet you $100 at least three people said something to Kevin Bacon a little saucy bacon. Alright fine. Alright so you're not famous so you're not famous fine I'm mildly successful but by

no means am I famous I mean take me to fucking Discovery Zone do those still exist? Oh man if they do we have to go right now but I don't think so i think there's i would love to go to a discovery zone but take me there everyone there would know who i am the children know that's true literal children know who i am because my nephew cannot

believe that i know you did you tell him we're dating i sent in the picture of us kissing after it was taken and it i think he like short-circuited i gotta wait how old is he he's six you sent a picture of us kissing six years it's not porn it's just a nice kiss it's too consenting i guess i see it in movies and chin tv shows it's so funny i guess i never thought about at that point i never even processed dan if we have kids you can't do that you can't show that well i guess they'll see us kissing i'm gonna send pictures i'm gonna write right on the operating table i'll send uh send a picture right to my nephew on the operating table is that where kids are born

on the oh oh shit I don't know. I think you have a special room. I think a bed. Yeah, I think so. I think you're supposed to do it squatting. That's what I heard. What? Give birth to a child?

Yeah, you're supposed to squat and pop it out like that. My brother just had a home birth. He just did a home birth. Ew. Yeah, I mean. Where do you put the placenta and shit? You just like throw it away? These were my exact questions to them.

I was like, you go in the tub. That seems like a lot of cleanup, you know? But they had it handled. I don't know. Do they have a cleaning lady? They said it went. They must, right? They said it went well.

I didn't dig into it too much. When was this? November. I feel like I should know about this. I should know about what your family's up to. Yeah, I know. You've met my parents before or not? Yeah, I met your parents.

Are you kidding? Yeah, yeah. Your dad's so fun. Yeah. I met them at something. Can we talk about it it was a big thing where people gathered and watched you do a thing yes we get we can talk about it okay it was a wedding it was yes but you met my parents at my wedding at your wedding yes

to your former wife yes but now no more wife yes i don't have a wife anymore that also by the way you should say to that comment is that i'm no longer married so yes and that's what people were really trying to like hone in on they're like dan's married so he can't be in a relationship but also this is 2023 so like truly you can get wild with anything. You could have a wife and a girlfriend and a boyfriend and a partner. Yeah. Do whatever you want. I mean, people are out of control right now.

So I just do whatever you want. I mean, post pandemic, I don't know what any, but everyone's doing whatever they want to do. I mean, have you ever messed around with a married guy who was, is that,

is that, is that a secret? Have you ever? I don't, it's not a secret. I don't think I've ever messed around with a married guy. Not to my knowledge. And I don't think I would. Would that bother you?

Would that upset you? You'd be kind of like. Well, I guess I would just be like, hey, is your wife or partner okay with this are you guys open and if he was like no we're not open I'm a cheater and I love it I'd be like oh I can't be a part of that I can't break up a marriage yeah no I mean cause I

had a friend who was telling me recently they're like yeah I was with this woman and she heard David open things so I hang out with the wife sometimes me recently they're like yeah i was with this woman and uh her yeah she her david open thing so i was i hang out with the wife sometimes you know and i'm like i think even that i think i would just be i would feel some guilt like there was you know there's like kids involved you know what i mean you're like i don't want to be involved in all that yeah i wouldn't feel guilt but i would need some sort of confirmation that they are actually open and it's not a lie.

Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Like, it's so easy for, like, some person to be like, oh, yeah, we're open. And then their partner finds out later that's like, we weren't fucking open. You were cheating on me. Yeah. I wouldn't like that. I had, I had, well, first off, that's a great idea.

There should be some sort of document that you walk around with, right? Has be notarized you know what i mean like notarized uh the two witnesses they were they watched you sign it wait can i ask a question after your conscious uncoupling yeah did you get on apps well that's you know what's funny i knew you were gonna ask that was like the one thing in my brain i was like nico Nicole's going to ask me. I've actually never been on any apps. I did before my marriage. I was on Jade Date for a very short amount of time. That's kind of an app, right? But it was back when there was a website, and I went on, I think, one date.

But I've never joined the apps. But I'm not interested in the apps for some reason. Like, I think you'd think I might be. But I'm really kind of like, this seems so unfun to me, you know? Okay. They're not fun. They're terrible. Obviously you met me in person last year.

Yes. In an improv show. We fell in love. Yeah. 2022. But how did you meet other people you've dated? Well, since you're conscious uncoupling yes yes yes yes well the the girl that i that i know this girl this girl that i know uh who i had a thing with

before us obviously i was someone i i had i had known before you know so kind of just like more of like a a dm thing you know what i mean like more like that dm thing yeah more of like a DM thing. You know what I mean? Like more like that. A DM thing? Yeah, more of just like send someone a message or whatever. You know, like someone you're. You sent her a message and she was like, yum, yum, yum. Get up in my guts. Exactly.

That was word for word how that went down. Yum, yum, yum. Get up in my guts. Now, at first I was like, you might be, I don't know, Grover or the Cookie Monster. I thought that was odd. You got to take that chance. You got to take it. Who knows?

You might fall in love with Cookie Monster. You know, she might gobble your dick the way he gobbles cookies. Yeah. But first off, I don't want that at all. Because first off, he's very messy. He's very messy. You do not want Cookie Monster chomping on your penis. I mean.

Yeah. I guess. He is messy. Okay, Dan, I have a question. Yeah. When you were single before you met me and before you met the other person you were dating before you met me. Yeah. And then after you were consciously uncoupled, which is my favorite phrasing of breaking up.

Yeah. What kind of ladies were you looking for i don't i you know that's a tough thing because i i don't even think i really got there because i i was put the pandemic you know what i mean like i don't think i was like in this place of like oh my life's so in order that i'm like now how do I fill the slot of partner, you know, in my perfectly even existence, you know? So I didn't really think like that. And like, to be honest, I was just kind of like, you know, after my conscious of coupling, I wasn't really thinking about coupling. You're more just like, what is you get into like kind of survival mode, you know?

But, you know, I think you need need if if anything you're thinking about someone who can accept who you are i mean that's just kind of i know that's not like a sexy fun answer or funny answer you know but we do this shit you know my life is nuts you know yeah you know so i don't even know like my friends are like yeah like some people are like you know you want to date someone who's not in the business. So like blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, well, how does someone not in this business tolerate this business? Because I can barely tolerate this business.

That's what I don't get. Yeah. I think it was Steve Carell's wife wrote an acceptance speech for him at like, maybe it was the Emmys. I don't know. But the speech was just like um I love my wife also my life is not important than my wife's uh if I say I'm gonna be home at a certain time I should try to be home at that it was like a lot of like oh damn yeah that's a lot of shit that I do to people where when I'm dating them I'm like oh yeah I'm free this night and then I'm like

oh yeah I forgot I have two shows that night or oh I should be wrapped by 8 p.m and then it's like 11 and they're like where are you and it's like right sorry i just it's that shit that's out of my control and then it's like do i have to do i lie do i just go i don't know i might be home anywhere from eight to midnight yeah i mean exactly this it's it's crazy you need someone who can really be pretty understanding with it and i don't think anybody really is sounds like even steven carell's wife who's in the business too with him she don't even get it you know what i'm saying but the other point of this thing nicole is what i want to hit in on when you when you ask me a question like that i don't know what the fuck i want what the fuck i need everybody seems to be

about so in touch with themselves about like who they are what they need these are my boundaries here's how i identify here's this like here's my kink here's my this and i'm like i don't know shit about myself you know what i mean like i know oh wow you you're not responding you're responding to that in the opposite way where i'm like wait dan you know who you are come on what's a kink real quick we gotta take a break oh we're back dan what's your kink i'm saying come on i said well i'll say you know when you're going into something that you're saying on stage i like to say like this is this is you know this is part of my stand-up you know but what's what's my kink is my kink is consent like i think like i love i love women and i think it's great when a woman wants to be with me i'm like this is fucking

unbelievable i can't believe this this is so great so your kink when a woman wants to be with me. I'm like, this is fucking unbelievable. I can't believe this. This is so great. So your kink is just someone wanting to be with you. Yeah, I go, I love when a woman's like, hey, I want to have sex with you. It really fucking gets me hard when a woman wants to be with me. Yeah, that's what I said.

I mean, that's very sweet. Well, I say, and that sounds like i'm like lying or something but i'm what i'm saying is is that i even if i had some kind of kink i wouldn't know how i wouldn't even explore it no one you know i'm not like in my mindset like i want to try this i want to try that you know what i mean like who the fuck i i don't know it's i don't even think like that you know you've never been having sex and been like, let me stick a finger in the booty hole. No, no, because I still love I still love the vagina has a lot to offer me still. You know what I mean? I still I haven't needed to go to deep space.

You know what I mean? Like, I still like, you know what I mean? Like people are going to Mars. You know, Elon Musk is on Mars. And I'm like, yo, we still got dope waterfalls here. You know what I mean? You've never fucked someone and been like, i want to stick it in their armpit in their armpit no i've never had that if someone was like i want you to like be like yo i have this thing like i really want your dick in my armpit i'm like i will open the fucking arm up let's see

what happens you know what I mean Yeah the armpit Like someone who's into feet That person and I we could not relate Less you know what I mean I agree I'm not into feet Feet are weird and gross And they're dirty That's just some kind of

Like brain like I don't know I don't want to say miswiring because that's like shaming someone uh but i don't shame don't kink shame dan a lot of people like feet i'm on wiki feet and i had bad feet until i mentioned it a couple years ago on this podcast and i got upvoted to okay feet really on wiki wiki feet i know i had a i was at a comedy club uh and the the other there was another comic and they started talking about feet and so the the comic was like oh yeah like my feet like i don't really have great feet blah blah she's and then she was like i'm wearing open-toed sandals so then i just like looked under the table like at her her feet, you know? And she was like, whoa.

And I was like, oh, I'm sorry. I don't even like feet or just feet to me. Like that was not a weird thing. Like, you know what I mean? Like there are feet creeps out there ruining the feet creeps. That is funny that you looked under the table to be like, oh, what kind of sandals are these? Yeah. Oh, wait.

Mars is she's coming in hot with some facts my wiki feet is now a four out of five which is nice feet that's pretty good thank you mars for looking that up that's a b you got a nice 80 feet oh yeah that makes me happy i love that for you. and they help me fucking squat in the gym. You know what I'm saying? That's all I care about. How much do you squat? I mean, I don't know. You talking about PR? Are we talking about... Every day.

What do you squat every day? Not every day. I don't squat every day, but yesterday I squat 315. You know? But that's not my... I can probably do up to 400 for one. You know what I'm saying?

Something like that. For one? Yeah. Wait, what's your kink, Nicole? Well, you asked me my kink and I didn't, I guess I didn't answer, so you're not allowed. But do you have any open kinks here? What kind of kinks do I have? I like being tossed around, like truly like throw me around.

Because I'm not like a dainty small person. So like if you can throw me around i'm like oh my god nicole you have to write a scene in a movie of you like be like toss me you know when you get your train wreck which by the way it's fucking overdue hollywood is nicole you're one of the funniest like but oh dan thank you next to me but so like you got but so like there's gotta be a scene where you're like tell the guy to like throw you around and he like is throwing you around and you're just rolling around that'd be so fucking funny it's my favorite fucking thing and it's only really happened a couple times i hooked up with this one guy yeah he i think i talked about him on the podcast but

he was a black guy and the reason why i'm saying his race is because he said to me um all black people are aliens and i was like well i can't argue he's black it seems like two negatives canceling each other out i don't know and he was really hot and i was like i guess i'll just let you keep talking he was like nefertiti and i was like yeah he said that nefertiti wore a big hat because she was covering her alien skull. And then he said something else. He was a black man, like definitely huge,

huge black guy. He was like six, four and beautiful. And he threw me around in a way that like, I truly like if someone was listening they were like this woman is on a ride at an amusement park oh my god oh i gotta be thrown around yeah and then choke me really hard you know that, that's what I like. Oh, yeah. You like being choked really hard or just choked? Hard enough that, like, that I almost pass out.

Really? Good for you. I mean, I guess good for you. Just be careful with that. You know what I mean? Good for you. Until tomorrow where it's like Nicole Byer murdered by a random man. You said she was an alien, so it's not murder.

And then you would have to avenge my death because you're my boyfriend or maybe not. Well, no, I would be upset because you were cheating on me and we didn't have the document. We needed the notarized document so that we were open. And if we didn't have that, you know. I'm walking around without my documents, which is oddly specific to something else. Anyway, who's the monologist on Last Improv Show on the 13th? 213th monologist is Kumail Nanjiani. Oh, fun, fun, fun.

Yeah. Yeah. Which is not announced yet. That'll be, I guess it's announced here first well when are you gonna announce it well i'm announcing it here okay my boyfriend coming in hot with an exclusive okay i guess i should just say that we're not actually dating but then also we are maybe dating i don't know how We'll see how they're going to react. Okay.

Here's the thing. When I posted it, Marcy Jaro, dear friend of mine was like, we have another podcast, 90 day Bay. It's on Patreon. But she was like,

what's the joke? And I was like, what do you mean? It's just like, it's funny. Me and Dan Black are dating. She's like, is the joke that someone would actually date you and then like publicly acknowledge it

and i was like oh no i gotta go back to therapy because nicole that's actually what my thought was because i was like i don't want anyone to think that i think it's so funny that i would date you i mean you're a very dateable woman you You know, so I had to be clear here that you started that, okay? And then you told me, I think this is funny, which I have documented here before. It goes, Dan Black thinks it's funny that Nicole could have a boyfriend. Okay? I guess I just.

You don't think you're dateable. You don't think that you're dateable is what it is you don't think you're worthy of love is that what that is? maybe I don't think I'm worthy of love and maybe I don't think I'm worthy of like someone actually committing to me and like wanting a life with me

but it's like I don't think I'm not worthy I guess I'm just like because I like me I've said this so many times on this fucking podcast I love me I think i'm not worthy i guess i'm just like because i like me i've said this so many times on this fucking podcast i love me i think i'm really fun i think i'm like a catch i think i'm nice to be around but it's like it's been so long and it just hasn't happened that i'm like i don't know maybe it's maybe it is me well maybe it is me two things first thing is i think you think it's more funny to say that i'm your boyfriend because of our relationship i think so it's less oh maybe no not that i was defending you knocking yourself you know what i mean but fine you don't want that don't

take it all right you know what i mean okay well i was like because i've just known you for so long and i feel like there's like pictures of us and stuff i guess not a ton but i don't know like you've been on the podcast i've just known you for like even people we know we're like oh my god and i was like wait what i mean i still get messages now being like wow i think it's such a great match and it's like people are mutual friends people we see you know which is so wild today yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah but but i guess i i yeah i guess i guess the joke to me was that someone would publicly date me and be like proud to show it off that's dark well i think you first off i i mean is that dark i I mean, you're a comedian. I mean, you're exploring your truth here.

I think that you can find love. You will find love. I think you're worthy of love. I think you're loving. And I think that you love yourself. If anyone is threatened by that, then fuck that. You know what I mean? Yeah.

Yeah. But I guess you have to ask yourself because i mean we all something i'm dealing with right is like it i look at like you know people other people in my lives and they have relationships and kids and successful marriages and blah blah blah and then you're like well what what what what what do we want what do you actually want and can you have it all you know or you know Because you have so much more than so many other people. You know? I don't mean that.

I just mean like you have so much going for you, you know, in terms of. So, you know, I don't know. I don't know exactly where I'm going. But I'm saying do you. I like that you like yourself and stuff. It doesn't seem to destroy you that you don't have that like person. I don't know. I mean,

it doesn't destroy me because I don't know. Then I would just be like this sad person all the time. And I, I don't have time for it, but like, sometimes I get real down where I'm like, boy, oh boy.

Like anytime I go to like a thing where it's like, there's three couples and me, or there's like a bunch of couples and then like the couple single people and it's like, oh boy, look at us. Yeah, I always feel like, like I feel like all of my friends are in relationships. Like truly, I don't think I have a single friend anywhere.

Oh, my God. Wait, no, I do. I have, like, one close single friend. And that's a, no, two. I'm like, wait, no, three. No, wait, I have 100. No, I think I have, like, no more than five close friends who are single. Okay.

Well, yeah. And that's just going to be an age. That's going to be just a general age thing. Because if you think of it in terms of that what percentage of those people those relationships are happy great functioning relationships would you say if you had to guess see i don't know yeah i would say that you only show me what you want to show me and like i had one friend who i didn't realize she was having such horrible problems in her relationship until it was like almost done and I was like oh my god why wouldn't you tell me that all this shit

is going on but I guess that's the flip side of it where it's like I want one but like not all of them are good well grass is greener that's all I'm saying and then my question to you is how much effort do you put into actually dating like how much time and effort

do you have to do that i mean i try when i do date somebody and i feel like it might turn into something a lot of time a lot of time i will like after a show hang out or in between shows hang out or like not do a show to hang out with them or even though I'm tired go out or I it's a lot of like me just being like I'm exhausted but I'm making the time for you and I feel like to the people I've dated, because I haven't really dated anybody in the industry, they're all like bartenders or realtors. I don't know.

What jobs do people fucking have? I don't know. Bellhops. All the bee jobs. Barracuda farmer. Barracuda farmer. That's big. That's an untapped market too a beach scooper

i don't know what's up you guys use your imagination about what a beach scooper is i don't want i i think it is beach scoopers beach scoopers they don't seem to understand that it's not a sacrifice but i'm overextending myself for my career and for them and i'm just tired and sometimes i get a little cranky and then scheduling is wonky and for the longest time i didn't have a assistant so i think people just get like fucking mad at me and then i'd be like i don't know what to tell you this is all hard i'm juggling because like i was touring i was doing a lot of shit yeah well so my question to you is that when the times

you've thought the times you've thought the times I've thought and the times you've thought it, did you feel like that it's possible that maybe we did a British scene recently together. But anyway. We did and it was very fun.

We made Gabrus do it too we were like you live near us you've got to sound like us gabrus was like he was trying to pull the the thing like oh no i just moved from america and i'm your next door neighbor and we're like but we've heard you use your British accent we know you can talk like this but my question is the times that you've thought in that your relationship was going to get more than just dating did you did was there a specific was there is there a consistent complaint from these men or women about your behavior yeah that i have walls up i don't let people in and then the whole scheduling thing like people have a real issue with my schedule

right right see so it's going to be tricky for you to find someone who can accept the fact that you are a mover and a shaker baby yes okay you want to know who i want yeah his name is i can't even say his name yeah let me fucking get on board with johnny depp okay his name is i think hold on domo gleason yeah of course from uh the the patient yeah but i don't know his name they're like skinny redhead guy or his dad is brandon gleason no i don't want his dad his dad's old they want him okay listen i'm trying to figure out how to pronounce his name because I always... Donald Gleason. Donald.

Donald Gleason. Can you hear that? I don't think that's right. It's Dom Hall. No. Donald Gleason. Donald Gleason. Donald Gleason.

Donald Gleason. Donald Gleason. Donald Gleason. Can you hear my computer? Yeah, I love it. Wow, that sounds like an expensive machine thank god you you splurged for the speakers i got it from apple you're sponsored by apple um yeah get your products at apple phones and other stuff apple

yeah it's dom hall Gleeson. Have you had any, I mean, is he married? What's his deal? I don't know. I can't really find out anything. I think he's got a girlfriend, but there's like, there's no real footage of them together.

So if anybody knows him, tell them I recently got out of a relationship with Dan Black and I'm no longer Nicole Black Be um tell them tell him that I'm looking guys are not gonna like when you take their middle name and make it their last name and make it your middle name but isn't that when you hyphenate a name oh yeah I'm such a dumbass yeah I. But then, wait, when you hyphenate a name, does it matter who names go who go last? Who go last? Wow. Back in line, who go last?

Back in line, get me bacon, get me bacon with a saucy little bacon. I don't know if it matter who go last. Nicole Byer Black? That's funny, too. Yeah, Nicole Black Byer. I like Nicole Black Byer, but Nicole Byer Black. That's funny, too. Yeah. The whole black buyer. I like Nicole Black buyer, but Nicole Bayer Black.

That's funny, too. Bayer Black flows nicely. Bayer Black. Nicole Bayer Black. Bayer Black. Wow. By her black. Any sparks flying at the Critics Choice Awards?

I mean, did you bump into this? It was probably there. No, I didn't go to the Critics Choice Awards. I was at the TCA at the critics choice award i mean did you bump into this domo gliese was probably there no i didn't go to the critics choice awards i was at the tcas the critics no television critics association thing what was the one i was at the golden globes oh gold well you were just on weren't you just on stage with jennifer coolidge yes at the golden globes oh that was the golden globes i'm sorry the far whatever the hollywood beautiful siriano dress he's so nice and keeps making me really pretty dresses um i wish other designers the black dress you looked fucking great thank you yeah yeah yeah that was that was good sometimes

i'm like i wish other designers would get on board but i don't need them siriano has has it he really makes me look beautiful and it's lovely and everything he makes is like slightly too big so you take it in and it's like perfect and it's wonderful and i love it yeah it looked great i wore gloves the gloves were great my favorite part was when you were on stage just like yesing the camera that was truly one of my favorite things i'd ever seen i just thank you i love what's the thought process when you were doing that for the people who know what but you were you were just you were kind of just yesing the copy to death yeah right yeah you just um presenting it like award award

shows are weird because um you can have all the writers you want, but ultimately the people who run the show are the ones who have the final say on the copy. So you kind of like bend to them. And I'm easy breezy. I'll read whatever you want to throw in the prompter. For, what am I thinking of? prompter um for what am i thinking of for the okay so i hosted the the gavians which is the gay porn awards they didn't really ask for a copy they kept asking for it and i was like i'm not giving it to you because i don't want notes on this yeah and then i fucking crushed

and then the guy running it was like wow you were funny and i was like yes this is why you hired me the reason why i didn't give you shits because i didn't want to get noted to death i think i've said it on this podcast before but it took place on martin luther king jr's birthday four years ago at this point it was before the pandemic and i opened with you know it's really wonderful to have this on MLK Jr.'s birthday because he had a dream that men of all walks of life would come together. And let me tell you, it was a slow burn. They were like, wait, come together? And I was like, come.

Yeah, just spell it out for them? Yes. And well, no, I just like let it sit and then slowly they got it whispers were happening to be like come like what we do you gotta let the come sit gotta let that come sit that well i don't let that come sit i love that dan black let that come sit real quick we gotta take a break Let that come sit real quick. We got to take a break.

Dan, we're back. So you were yesing that copy, did that. Am I supposed to drive this, by the way? I'm sorry. We're back. When we're back from break, am I allowed to just kick off the post-break talk? I'm sorry. I know you're the host of the show.

But what I was saying is that I loved when you were yesing the copy because it's like that i that's one of my favorite things is like when i see people that i know like my comedic friends who are doing like classic hollywood things but are acknowledging it's ridiculous you know what i'm saying yes where it's like you're like it's equivalent of like when i said you you were like hey can you email that to my assistant and then you're like i know it's ridiculous i have an assistant you know because you're like because it's wild that i have i've i make money telling dick jokes like i get on the stage and I'm like, gobble, gobble, gobble. I have an assistant. That's crazy. I know, but that keeps you grounded. I love that. You know what I'm saying?

I feel like the world will keep me grounded. At the Golden Globes, I had to follow Claire Danes on the carpet. If you've never seen a red carpet, it's like a hundred photographers. They're all taking, and you step, pose, step, pose.

It's called step and repeat. And they scream at you. They're like, over here, to the front. Show us the back of the dress. Show us your gloves. No one screamed at me they were all like claire claire i was like oh my god i'm a person too don't you want my picture and the man at the end of the line he went okay and took one picture and then put his camera down and i was

like you didn't you didn't you didn't have to you didn't have to let me know that you took one picture. So truly, I'm humbled at every corner, and it's fabulous. Wait. No, they don't want pictures of you? I don't even believe that. So a lot did end up online or whatever, but the fervor was for Claire Day, which I get. Have you seen Fleischman's In Trouble?

I heard it's fantastic. Okay. Watch it or just watch the Pendulum episode, which is the second to last episode. Honestly, you don't have to watch any other ones. I mean, if you want the whole story leading up to it, you can. But like Claire Danes is so fucking good in that episode.

I was like, now I understand why they were screaming for her. She was so good. Claire Danes is so fucking good in that episode. I was like, now I understand why they were screaming for her. She was so good. Claire Danes is amazing. I've I watched Homeland all the way through. Actually, during the pandemic, I found out I was like, where am I on Homeland? I probably stopped at like season three. And it was like the first thing I was like, I'm going to finish Homeland.

And then surely this pandemic will be over. And then it went on for two more years. I rewatched a season of Drag Race and I was like, surely when I finish season seven, which is the best season, nobody agrees with me. This pandemic will be done. And she said, not finished. Not even close. When's the last time you had COVID? Me?

I've had COVID thrice. I get it once a year. It's now becoming a tradition. And I got it last time I had it was September, which was around when you had it, right? I had it, I think I had it at the end of 2019, and then March 2021, and then, no, March 2022, and then December 2021 and then no march 2022 and then december 2022 yeah i was like minding my own business when i got at the second the first time in or the first or second time don't really

know in march i went to up front and i was just like in a room with a bunch of people that hadn't been tested or whatever yeah and then in december i was just minding my own fucking business and then i was like sniffle sniffle cough cough and i took a test it was negative went to work and i was like hey guys i would just like wear a mask around me you know and they were like oh you got a little tickle and i was like just a little then i went home and tested it was like nah bitch you got it so you're you're saying you tell this is interesting you tell people to wear a mask around you you don't just mask up the most arrogant shit i've ever heard in my life like because i was about to bring up the point which is that like i one time was feeling a little sick but i was testing negative for covid or maybe i wasn't i don't fucking care but i i was like i'll wear a

mask so people know oh it was when i was about to do cordon that's what happened when i was going but I was testing negative for COVID or maybe I wasn't, I don't fucking care. But I was like, I'll wear a mask. So people know, Oh, it was when I was about to do cordon. That's what happened when I was going to do cordon. I was like, all right, I'll wear a mask.

So I don't get like sick or whatever. You know what I mean? But everyone just assumes you're sick, you know, but it's kind of one of those like no good deed goes unpunished thing. Because if you were like, tell people, Hey,

I'm wearing the masks. I'm sick. They're all like, you got COVID you fucker. Why are you leaving the house you know what i'm saying well i so this is when i was getting my makeup done mask up my makeup artist i was like i would wear one because she was in my face and then on set i wore one because i was like i don't know what's going on and then for scenes had to take it off but i didn't give it to anybody you're like everybody mask up around me. I'm sick as

fuck. I'm ill. Hollywood Nicole Byer. I'm showing off to work because I might not work again, so put those fucking masks on, you creeps. Mask up. I need this job. I need

this opportunity. And I know you all live with your old decrepit nanas, and I don't care. I want her dead. I don't give a shit about granny. No, I love grannies. Grannies are great. I need to criticize poorly made cakes. I do.

You know, it's a fun job. Dan, let me ask you a question oh my god what should i do okay so it's not official whether we're dating or not dating but like say i do want to step out on this relationship yeah um why are you drinking water out of a protein shaker because i'm such a fucking meathead but really just a small jewish man who wishes he was bigger. So I got to drink it out of the, I got to drink it out of the, out of this. I don't know.

Actually, to be honest, my buddy, Jimmy was drinking water out of these one time. And what I liked about it. So I've had all the fucking water bottles. If we're going into water bottles, I've had like a swell,

you know, I think swells get kind of gross, like with the twisty top. And then you lose the cap. The cap's not connected, you know? So this thing, I do it because the cap stays on and it locks because I'm very clumsy. Like I spill shit and that's it. So that's it.

And this fits in my cup holder in the car. But why don't you like have protein? Like if you want to get bigger. I just had protein right before we started. I'm drinking isopure protein shake right after this team i used to create team but i hope makes me hold too much water weight you should know this i've talked about human growth hormone i haven't fucked with that yet but you know the second marvel gives me a part i'll be huge everyone should understand okay what about steroids i never messed with steroids i have that but human growth hormones pretty close but yeah no i haven't fucked the steroid but i'm not above it

i had a friend who did steroids and i was like i'm not telling you not on the podcast but i was like oh my god are you like is that okay like are you okay and he was like yeah i'm only gonna do it for a certain amount of time to like gain muscle mass. And then I'm going to and then you like cut or something and then you go off of it. You just retained his muscles and he looks great. You do cycles. A lot of a lot of dudes do steroids. I'm just a little like scared of it.

I'm like the guy who was like, I'm going to take steroids and then drop that, you know, like that's me. So I'm scared of it, but not above it at all. I think it's kind of fun you don't have to see like what your body could do also it sounds like i'm trying to push steroids on you i'm not i was just telling you about a friend's experience look at them muscles you don't even need it no but i would love to what do you think i should do well nicole let me ask you though because like i'm at that we say where it sounds like this is an audio form we're exaggerating the size i'm not like huge guy or anything like that.

But what do you think? Do you think I should get jacked to the nines? Should I be popping out of my shirt like a Hemsworth? I think you should get jacked to the nines, pop out of your shirt. Also, get a head enlargement. Make your head really fucking big. Make your hands even bigger.

Just be like a cartoon oh be like that man who wears a black shirt and jeans um and he's blonde and he's a cartoon but johnny bravo yeah i mean that's exactly what i would like to look like because yeah like johnny bravo spiky blonde it was tough because like i was like a you know a smaller jewish kid and like my hair curls you know but i remember like back in like the in the like 90 late 90s early aughts like just spiky hair was so fucking cool like the guys the spiky hair you know and i would just die thank god for jt i mean he came along and made the curls cute, you know? Justin Timberlake, if you didn't catch that. JT.

JC Chavez. That guy was making the spiky hair. Is that his name? He was the other one? The other NSYNCR? Is that his last name? Chavez? JC Chavez. What did I think it was?

JC. Do you want to have your computer say it? Tom Hall, Gleason, JC Chavez. Okay. JC Chavez. I might be off on this. Now I brought up NSYNC. I brought up Backstreet Boys and then now we went to NSYNC. JC Chases.

JC Chases. You are so wrong wait jc chases no no no why i think that i think google's wrong jc chases i nothing could have prepared me for that pronunciation wait jc chases how is it spelled it's spelled c-h-a-s-e-z chases that's how it's spelled it's literally spelled chase with a z chases oh it does jc chava whatever you know what i want to go ignorant on this for the rest if the if the apple big sponsor of the show says it's chases it's big sponsor remember apple has phones uh computers bigger phones that they call ipads uh watches and subscriptions yeah i love that they also have an app store brought to you by me and tim cook right he's the ceo of apple yeah tim cook see not no not steve jobs he's dead yeah he's gone okay listen give me advice for stepping out on this relationship that we have now stepping out

mean seeing other ben do you mean by that or stepping out like leaving me here how do i live yeah i'm not gonna leave you dan yeah no but you did take out of your profile that you're my boyfriend so i was like what an ultimate portrayal one two uh we don't see each other enough three you refuse to have sex with me four you only kiss me on stage five um you don't tell me what's going on in your family okay so many i have so many responses i think you're seeing somebody else first off we have a well i have the document coming to notarize but what i'll say is this is first off you said that i refuse to have sex with you you've never asked me to have sex with

okay okay and secondly you never asked right. I have never asked. You said you refuse. Meaning, I haven't. Yeah, fine. I haven't. You refuse. I haven't notebooked you. But I mean, I haven't just came to your house and threw a pebble at your window.

Like, take me now and climb the trellis. Sam, you know, hey, Sam. Closer explains it all. It threw your window. It's a 90s reference. I don't know that reference. I didn't grow up a cable. Well, that's a whole other can of worms. But, so, yeah.

But you're saying stepping out. I mean, let me ask you something. How are you do you use Raya? Raya is useless to me! Really? I even paid extra to see who liked me before i liked them and let me tell you nobody was liking me so no one was liking you on raya now i mean no i have

like three matches okay so raya i don't know because i haven't been on these apps but raya is like a lot of that's a lot of like models right like is it like it's a lot of australian djs models um some actors that you know um there was one on there that i was like wow you come off bad this is a bad profile i'll tell you who it is later oh my god it's someone i know or someone who's just famous it's just someone who's famous okay cool i don't think you know them all right it's fine well i'll fuck their armpit later but so well i think and i was talking about this on stage the other night which is like i really think meeting people in person is the way to go you know i know it's so hard and it requires going out with nights where that are just misses you know what i mean and it's very tough with especially in our community like the pandemic you know

and our community kind of is like so scattered now you know but i think it would help to have nights where you're like i'm just gonna go to the bar with a couple fronts you know and see what happens oh my god like just just have it i mean just try it i'll go with you too you know i'll go with you there and i'll let them know that we have an open thing what if you scare off men because they're like oh it's damn black he's definitely dating her oh i mean that could well then listen first off then you're acknowledging that you're meeting someone who knows you so that's opens up another question which is that do you want someone who is a a fan or just familiar does that affect it or would you like someone who's like no i don't i don't have netflix i gotta i'm a farmer

you know i would love a farmer i i dabbled in farming during the pandemic but i have since let my farm pass but it did rain a bunch so some of my plants did come back and i was like y'all why would you come back to life i'm not gonna foster or care for you seems like a mistake that y'all made but But I would date a farmer. I don't really have a preference. I just want someone who loves all of me. You know that song? Because all of you loves all of me.

And then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then. Wow. Is that John Legend? Or is that Nicole Byer? I mean, you nailed it oh my god anywho dan we've come to the end wow i ask all of my guests this but you're already dating me so yes um i know you would date me and i guess i should say to my longtime listeners i apologize for getting you so excited about something that ultimately

was something that i thought was funny and i didn't realize how um invested and nice and caring you guys were about me and i feel very bad and please don't be mad at me yeah don't be mad at nicole um i'm not mad i'm not mad at you nicole I'm excited to you know go out and find men with you and you know maybe we'll get into a fight over you do you think it would help if I as we're at the on the date I'm like yo what are you hitting on my girl like maybe I do that kind of routine and then I lose the fight because then they'll be like oh my god I'm sorry no nobody's gonna fight over a woman they just met all right then i'd be like you're insane and i can't date you sometimes i forget that i'm not in the movie back to the future um i think like

biff is gonna come up you know i'm always ready for i'm always ready for a biff encounter and it never happens except for that time where biff showed up to ucb he did yeah the actor who plays biff he was there he came He watched my one-man show. He was watching. It was like a small crowd of people watching my one-man show and one of them was Biff. That's great. I love that so much. Yeah, it was terrific. It was terrific.

Yes, of course I would date you and I would go out with you and wingman for you and watch you walk out with another man and I'm down for it all. That's sweet. Thank you to your fans. They're so awesome. Some of them sent me some really nice messages and you're all

wonderful people and I'm glad that you care about Nicole. They are so nice and I feel bad that some people are going to be disappointed and then also it really makes me think inward to be like, God god i thought it was funny that someone would date me publicly so just know friday at 10 a.m i'll be talking about this with my therapist um trying to get to the bottom of it anywho dan we've come to the end what do

you fucking want to promote uh last improv show let's promote that how about that it really is such a fucking fun show coming out of covid or whatever and like getting back into improv it was like weird because the theater that we performed at wasn't open and whatever whatever um but then you created the show and it was just like you have such good energy and then everyone who performs on it is like so good it's really wonderful no we i obviously love having you on the show um you're you know you're the best you'll be there on well this comes out this will come this comes out tomorrow you'll be on the show tomorrow january 28th and then we have the show February 13th

and you can follow us at Last Improv Show Who's the monologist on the 28th? 28th we have Ike Barinholtz and then the 13th is Kumail Nanjiani and it's fun but yeah the show is awesome it's like all the improvisers that I love performing with

having fun, rocking out big energy show it's really fun i love it you know it's great tight 45 minutes up top i do i'm getting a lot of shit because i'm doing too long at the top but is that crowd not hype as fuck when you get out there they are you you do hype them up they're in such good spirits when we like when bob odenkirk came out he got like a standing ovation people were so excited they were were just like, it was great. Whatever. All right, Dan, I love you. I'll talk to you truly forever. Also, can I plug

another show? No. You get one plug. Of course. What do you want? Okay, fine. I want to plug Comedy Poll Show. We do it at the Virgil, which is really fun. A stand-up show, which I'll get you on sometime, but at Comedy Poll Show. The next one is February 11th, which I think some of your audience members are digging because it's like really acrobatic awesome pole dancers and

then the best comedians doing stand-up that's virgil next one is february 11th saturday february 11th maybe i'll fucking do it listen if i do the show you can't promote me on it though because sometimes i get tired and lately i'm like the way i I can self care is by not doing a show when I'm exhausted. No, it's tough. If you don't want to be, if you're not working at actively on standup, it's very tough to like,

be like, Oh, I'm going to switch to standup mode, especially when you're that busy. You know what I mean? No, you're doing the, you're doing the,

your will be have done the club date, which should be good back in the spring. We'll see how that goes. This is my first club since 2021. This is my first time doing five shows a weekend since 2021 and the first time i'm doing an hour since 2021 and it feels insane you're gonna be awesome maybe i'll swing by watch one night can i come watch one night yeah if you come i'll give you time you don't that's not what i was doing i did not do that. I did not.

You guys hear me weaseling my stage. That's how I do it. Oh, watch my court and set it. Go on Late Late Show YouTube. Very funny. Watch my set on the James Court show and follow me on Instagram at Dan Black Attack. Dan Black Attack, my boyfriend or not. Listen, if you like this episode of why won't you date me where

i i have answered your question you can like it rate it subscribe if you're mad at me you can let me know if you're okay with my joke you can let me know if um you have any insight as to uh what's wrong with me you can let me know at um why won't you date me podcast at gmail.com also if you write me a dirty message hitting on me I will read it also if you want advice you can ask it Mars truly send anything you want Mars my producer goes through it so no no dirty pictures is what I ask she does not want to see dicks butts or titt or titties, or coochies, or... I think that's it. Okay. Hi, Nicole. I want to snuggle up and suck on your clit like a thumb until I fall asleep. What about me? Do I get to sleep? Oh, well. Bye-bye. That's it for Why won't you date me with me nicole byer why won't you date me is produced

and engineered by oh the sweetest woman i know marissa melnick it is executive produced by other wonderful people adam sacks joanna solo taroff and jeff ross thanks for listening i love you thank you so much we'll be seeing you you next Friday with a brand new episode. What a treat. What a dream. Ha ha ha. This has been a Team Coco production.