Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Nicole's Horny (w/ Mary Sasson)

Episode Date: October 5, 2018

Mary Sasson (UCB) discusses the ever growing trends in women's bodies. Nicole talks about the worst dicks she's slept with and makes an apology to her Pizza match on Tinder. Also, Nicole's like really, really horny in this one. You can play along and see Nicole's Tinder bio and photos on her Facebook page at: https://www.facebook.com/pg/NicoleByerComedyBe sure to rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Leave a dirty comment for a chance have it read on-air.Follow Nicole Byer:Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdatesTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerFacebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedy

why won't you date me why won't you date me why won't you date me please tell me why Oh, wow, wow, wow, wow. Oh, yeah, yeah. It's another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast where I try to figure out how I'm still single, even though I'll let you eat the last french fry and then put it in my pussy. Oh, I guess you should put it in my pussy before you eat it. I don't know.

My guest today, if you've ever been to UCB, you've seen her performing all over the stage. You've also seen her on the UCB show. Ooh-wee, it's Mary Sasson. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm loving this old school school, like shock jock. Thank you. I just like to one, be loud.

Two, make sounds. Three, have fun. Four, giggle. Five, that's it. I love all those things. And I was really waiting to see where that french fry story was going. Well, okay. He ate my last french fry,

he chewed it up, he spit it into my pussy, I stand on top of him, I squeeze it out into his mouth. I just imagine you going to the OBGYN and she's just like, okay, I need this explained. I need to know why there is french fry mush in your pussy. Yeah, you got a yeast infection like I have never seen. I've never had a yeast infection. I never have either.

Let's knock on wood. Yeah. Ooh, that was loud. I would like to believe that, like, your pussy's got it or it doesn't. I don't know. Mine's just running like clockwork, I guess. I guess mine's running like clockwork, too. Mary, I haven't seen you in a while and that makes me sad.

I know, we keep missing each other. Yes, and I think I've been in and out of town. We gotta remedy this. Where we hang out. Oh yes, we have to make a dinner party. Oh yeah, we have to do that dinner party with all my newfangled things from the wedding. All my pots and pans and blenders.

Was that exciting to get a bunch of stuff? It was exciting, but also I live in kind of a small apartment and we were just like a little overwhelmed and a lot of the stuff, like you asked for things that like you're not going to use now, but it's like, you know, 35,

36, you know, 40 year old Maryary might want this so we just got stuff or what people would do is they'd be like you asked for a um what's it like a crock pot but what you need is a pressure cooker so we would get both and it's like you don't need a pressure cooker and a crock pot no No, they're like one in the same, right? I think so. I've never used a crock pot.

I've never used one either, but I think that like you can make some like fun chili or some fun like slow roast. I've also not eaten very much out of a crock pot. My friend Tess's mom was making meat in a crock pot last time I was in Portland and she was like, taste it. It's venison. And I were like, maybe rabbit? No, it was definitely deer. And I was like, I'm so sorry, Bridget, I don't eat deer. And then she's like, I'm kidding. It's beef. And I said, okay. And I put it in my mouth. Double trick chew? Yep. And the minute it was in my mouth, I was like, this is not beef. This is definitely deer. I said beef.

Then she was like, do you like it? And I was like, yeah. And she's like, it's deer. And I was like, I know. It's a very mom thing to do, to be like, you'll like it. Just put it in your mouth. Do you think, how did they get the deer? Did they shoot it?

Or in Portland, you can pick it up from a butcher? I'm not sure. or in Portland you can pick it up from a butcher? I'm not sure. They may have shot it because I was at their forest house. Like their cabin? Yes! Oh no!

Their forest house. Yes, it's definitely called a cabin. I was at the cabin. Or lake house, it's on a lake. I was at the cabin. Or lake house. It's on a lake. I don't know why I said forest house. I'm so embarrassed. No, but I love that name.

I'm a fucking idiot. So they may have shot it there. I don't know. But also maybe they picked it up at a butcher. Portland's like a very cool, chill place. Have you been to Portland? I have not. But I haven't gone in enough time but now i'm hearing like at first it was presented to me of like what a cool place and

now more and more i think because people are being more like just like even woke that people are like well it was started as a white haven to get away from black people it It sure was. Which to me is just like at first like, oh how fun! Oh no! It is bad and their housing laws are terrible but all their bars serve food till they close! Well that's fun. And I

know that because my friend's husband owns two bars there and if you're in Portland you should go! They're called Church and Chapel Hill and they're fun! A bar called hill and you went to chapel hill unc no i did c unc UNC chapel hill i did i did i did your colors uh baby blue yeah we call it carolina blue but it's just baby blue and white yeah we just you appropriated baby blue to make it Carolina blue? I mean, how fucking rude. Oh, no, I didn't start this timer.

Who knows how long we've been talking? Oh, wow. Five minutes. Okay. That's Marissa. She's on the ones and twos. Pew, pew, pew. Kind of.

She's got a laptop and a computer. Kind of. She's got a laptop and a computer. Marissa's listened to so many of these episodes to the point where, like, I almost feel bad. Oh, you almost feel bad. And I say almost because it's her job. So I don't quite feel bad. But I almost feel bad because I'm just always just talking about my puss mary let's talk about your puss please your puss is all locked up because you got married it is

locked up packaged did you have your year wedding anniversary i went oh no already the end of october oh okay but it has been a fast year yeah isn't that wild it is pretty crazy thinking about like now facebook will be like hey a year ago you did your wedding um shower or this thing or you know all like all those anniversaries are coming up um do you like being married uh I do. Okay, good. That would have been really awkward if your husband, if that's how he found out. Just imagining him just hearing, just like watching him from behind and he slumps. Like being married?

No, it's fun. A lot of it feels a lot like dating. Like we were dating for like five or so years before that. a lot like dating like we were dating for like five or so years before that but you just get like you level up in certain ways of like um he comes from a better family than me and like so he has like savings and like he has been very much just like these are our savings now and i'm like i have savings. I have money now? I have this new stand-up joke about how, like, oh, when you, like, when you get married, you get a partner. And it's so nice.

You can teach each other things. Did you know that money can also be saved? That's very funny. But that is very nice. And you do just have, like, levels of support. And, like, the government will in, like, so so many little sneaky ways they want you to get married so yeah you get like a tax break for being fucking married you get a tax break and like we can share insurance and like when i uh changed my status at work like i just got back, like, $160 extra a week. Really? Yeah. Like, just filing-wise, you just get paid.

Like, the government doesn't take as much money. That's insane. Yeah, there's a bunch of friends of mine who, like, part of me is like, Mano and Betsy should just get common law married. Yeah, they should. Like, you should common law marry John, because why not? I think about that sometimes, because then because then yeah you just pay less taxes. He'll never do it.

Or like somebody who you I mean you would have to trust them because they could like especially in California they could take half. But like you and Sasheer. I mean we'd have to live together I think. I think you'd have to live with your common law person.

I mean I bet it's easier than like if she was not American you know what I mean fair yes but then I was just remembering that you've done this before yes I have oh yes I have been married I don't know if I've talked about it on this podcast do you know Marissa I have okay I was um not dating but hooking up with someone in the past who i like found somebody casually mentioned like well because blank is married and i was like excuse me and it was one of those situations where it was like for a green card but for a second i was like what the fuck did you just say um so you've been married almost a year I know your origin story It's a stupid one

You guys met doing improv Well I guess yeah At the DCM marathon Yeah if you don't know what DCM is It's the Del Close marathon that used to be in New York City It's a three day Improv event where you can go see An improv show at midnight

3am, 7am,.m and that's not prime time for comedy and usually people are very drunk yeah which i think pushed a lot of our courtship along because so your husband was living in new york You were living in L.A. Yeah. And then you guys were Facebook messaging each other. Well, we knew each other. We like we're both mutual friends with Josh Sharp. And like that weekend, I like saw him at a bar and approached him because he is tall and has black hair, which are like two of my checks. And then I like texted Josh. I'm just like, I'm going to make out with your friend this weekend to see if he was like

good luck he's engaged and Josh was like yes do it and I did it and then I was like oh do you want to be pen pals which I was like this is already so dumb what do I have to lose and he was like yeah I do

so we wrote letters back and forth to each other. Like real live letters. And then I made him be the guest to a wedding in Philadelphia. And I was a bridesmaid. And I didn't eat that whole day because I just barely fit in the dress. So I got blackout drunk. Almost threw up on him. And the next morning I was like, oh, I fucked this up.

I'm going to put him on a bus back to New York. Like, I don't need to see him anymore. Get out of here, man. I'm going to go talk about how insane this was to my friends. And he was like, I can stay longer. Oh, he liked what he saw. Yeah. Which I think is like, we've talked about this, and you've seen it, of like, I think that's like my favorite thing is like, I'm kind of a lunatic sometimes, especially if I drink.

And he has always just been like, okay, cool. That's sweet. One, can we double back? I think you come from a great family. Oh, thank you. At your wedding, one of your sisters is like, Matt, if you fuck up, we'll fuck you up. And it made me laugh so hard.

I was like, this is the wildest bridesmaid speech I've ever seen. Oh, it made me so happy. But yeah, you are a wild drunk. I'm also a wild drunk.

And in your vows, you made me cry because you said something so poignant and powerful you were like you've never asked me to change you've never asked me to be quieter you've accepted me for me when other people i'm paraphrasing you i mean you know your vows i didn't fucking memorize them but essentially you like, you accept me for me and never told me to change, even though other people told me to change in order to find someone to love me. Yeah, I

it was hard to like, I was like, I want to say what's true in these vows, but it was like I was like, this is a room full of comedians and family and things like that. So it's like when I was like, oh God, the funniness has to be funny. But I was like, our friends aren't often vulnerable. And I was just like, no, I want to say this.

And I do really believe and I bet you obviously did and can relate to this, that if you are a strong, loud, funny, smart woman, you are told a lot to change. Yep. smart woman you are told a lot to change yep you are told all the time to be less so that in my mind you can trick a guy into liking you and i remember just being like in a lot of way and like close good friends would tell me this of like don't pursue guys let them pursue you yeah like you you can't be funny to them up front or like you're too like that sounds arrogant like you're too smart tone that down they have to feel like they're smarter like and all these ways you have to bend over backwards and I am for better or worse not good at not being me like I

am like you I'm bold and you like you either love that or you're like that's too much okay kind of thing and I remember just like I like Matt's like the fourth person or third person I ever dated. Like, I have not been with a lot of guys because I wasn't good at pretending to be something else. Fair. And I like, that's why it works so well because he, I was like, and I met him as a lunatic, drunk in New York. And he was like, okay. I want that. Sign me up for that.

I mean, I want that. I'm also not very good at hiding who I am. And I don't think anybody should either. I don't think anybody should either. I don't think anybody should either as well. I, yeah, I do spend a lot of time on first dates trying to do slightly less. Yeah, I don't, and I never know how much it's like, how much you bury the lead, how much you're supposed to bury the lead how much like i yeah i was thinking about this coming on here of like i think you and i are both like particular flavors and i think that like part of me thinks that like the reason why like and we're both very good

flavors like i think we're both fucking cool um and i think that the reason though why like maybe we both don't or didn't have more success rate is because like everyone goes for vanilla everyone goes for cheese pizza because it's not a choice so you don't have to think about it and i think that it's like maybe that's naivete or maybe I'm just like, I'm a nightmare. Naivete? What did you say? It's like to be naive. Oh, say that word though.

Naivete. Naivete. Am I saying that word right, Marissa? Yeah. Okay. I've never heard that word. I believe it's like the noun form of naive. Oh, naivete sounds like a white woman who fucked a black man and then got

pregnant and then named her daughter her baby naivete i could see that i'm just like i better do it for the culture um but i yeah i think and i also like i think that a lot of guys, especially young guys, are like, they're cowards. They're little baby men or the little baby boys. And so they want something safe on their arm. They want something that their bros aren't going to razz them for or what they think they will. Yeah, I think you're right. But also I'm like, once you hit like 25, 30, you can't be worried about what people think.

That just seems so exhausting. I think that some people do grow out of it and I do think that like, that is all to say that like, it takes a confident man to be like, no, I like you and I don't give a fuck what anyone would say. And also most people are cool and wouldn't be like, what's going on with your girlfriend? Why is she so loud? Man, can we talk about how loud your girlfriend is?

Yeah. It's just like, get on board, motherfucker. She's fun. I like her but like even listening to this podcast before like I had so many guys I am sure who liked me and would

flirt with me and would say things but then when I was like hey do you want to make this something they would be like oh well and I would be like you fucking coward you don't think I'm dating material They would be like, oh, well, and I would be like, you fucking coward. You don't think I'm dating material or you don't think, like, you are attracted to me. You do think I'm cool.

You do think I'm fun. But somehow I'm not what you think you can date. Yeah, I've had that experience so many times. I worked with this guy who I thought was so cute. And we got pretty close. We would, like, text all the time. We would hang out. And then I quit working there. He kept working there.

And we would see each other, like, every couple months. And he, at one point, I was like, I think I'm going to start working out. And I think I'm going to lose weight. And he's like, that's a great idea. I think you should do that. And I was like i think i'm gonna start working out and i think i'm gonna lose weight and he's like that's a great idea i think you should do that and i was like okay cool and i didn't think anything of it and then every time before we hung out he'd be like so how's like your weight loss going like have you lost any weight he was like waiting for you i think he was waiting for me to be thinner to date me but also that's like me inferring and assuming and putting something on him yeah but like just the fact that every time before I saw him, he asked,

I was like, Oh, why is that what you're latching on to? Yeah. Why is that it? And why are our, our hangouts like us baking a pie or like just like domestic things. Yeah.

And it was, I think men feel comfortable with me, but I don't know if they're comfortable with me if that makes sense yeah it's like a a romantic sexual partner because i do think there's still shame in being like i like a fat lady i like fucking them people are like ew why they're nasty like do you remember it was a while ago it was that man who was like i love my curvy wife yeah yeah i don't follow them but i saved a picture of theirs on instagram so i can like go to their profiles whenever i want and their whole identity is so weird her whole identity is my man loves all my curves and i am happy and his is like i love my

curvy wife i think out of the box i don't need someone who looks like everybody else but then i look at her and i'm like she is like a size 10 yeah maybe a 12 why is she so different it's so confusing to me that their whole identity is wrapped up in this woman's body yeah also social media does weird things where like it you can have a niche where you're like my whole thing is that i have a supportive husband who likes my curves like they get so small where people can be like my thing is i love goldfish crackers. It's like, what? That's enough for a famous Instagram account? Well, that's like Lil Tay.

Remember Lil Tay? Do you know Lil Tay? I don't know if I know Lil Tay. Lil Tay is a little Asian girl who would make Instagram videos. She'd be like, what up? It's me, Lil Tay.

I got a Lambo. I got Gucci bags. I got everything. And she'd make these videos with stacks of cash. Oh, wow. And she'd make these videos with stacks of cash. And she'd make videos with Lil Pump. And then it was outed that her mom was a realtor

and they were filming in the houses she was trying to sell. So then she got fired and then Lil Tay was exposed as a fraud. Also, the internet is such little weird gumshoes that are solving these. Why do you care? Let little Tay film

in houses. Let her just live her life. It is interesting that people are always like, actually, this persona you're presenting is completely wrong. Or people will zoom in on a picture. My favorite thing that was revealed was

kanye west went to a wedding in slides that were too small for his feet crazy they did but i love that someone zoomed in on that picture not even like he's wearing socks with sandals but they're too small just too small his heel is hanging off dragging around yeah oh kim kard Kardashian, she's been under fire. People are mad that she's happy she's thin. I wonder what she looks like in real life. Small. Because she's so short. She's very short. That to have that small of a waist and be that short,

she's got to look insane. I saw her once at the VMAs like two years ago. I don't think she was as small as she is now. But she is a very short woman and her body is out of this world. It doesn't. Doesn't like physics doesn't make sense. No, it doesn't because her waist is very tiny. She's got big old titties.

She's got big old hips and a big old butt. But she's very beautiful. Yeah, I think that that body would be weird to carry around or like nikki minaj's body sometimes i'm like that body feels so weird to carry around she's just a taller version of it yeah but big titties tiny waist have you beautiful face oh yeah have you seen uh i don't know if it's like an article that quote where like rihanna was like look if you want an ass you get a tummy or like you get a gut yeah if you want a butt you get a gut I like love that of just like

her admitting like yeah that's what like for Kim Kardashian to have like the flattest stomach and the fattest ass I'm like no yeah and it's weird cause I think she still maintains that she oh my wig is sliding back I have to like

fix my clips. Because she still maintains that she hasn't had surgery, right? I think so. Wait, Mary, has my hair been looking crazy? I thought that that was the position it was supposed to be in. But now your bangs are more over your face. I can't believe I didn't secure my wig. Good thing it's a podcast and not like being filmed.

She's done the full side of your hair. I'm like, oh, fun. Wow, that's how Nicole's wearing her hair now. Just slide it back off to the side. Cool. Oh, that was scary. I think I caught it just before it fell off. I would love if it like punctuated a point,

like a punchline. Well, I was like moving my moving my head i was like this is sliding around a lot um no i think that she's like this is how my body does things but it doesn't ever lose fat in my butt and it's so weird that that's what she maintains and it's also weird that she's like i don't wear wigs and it's like, your hair isn't shoulder length, waist length, hot pink and green. It's just not how hair goes. Your hair would fall the fuck out. Yeah. Everything.

Yeah, I don't know. Sometimes I'm like, get plastic surgery, do whatever you want, but be honest about it. And sometimes I'm like, maybe it doesn't really matter. But I do think it's like, it's fucking with people's heads. Yeah. It's also insane to be like i was thinking about this the other day like when has a man's body ever gone through like trends like that like female bodies are like no now we need big butts like where it's like women have to be like okay let me change my

natural body in a way or if you're like a person of color to be like okay now you like this about me like what it is weird because growing up my mother would tell me to tuck my butt so it didn't look bigger than it was or as big as it is um she also taught me how to line my lips

to make them look smaller uh and then I have a friend who's black whose mom told her to pinch her nose every night for like 15 minutes. Oh boy. Because when you do that every night or every day for years,

it makes your nose smaller. It's like wearing a corset. If you wear a corset enough, your waist will get smaller. So you're changing the structure of your face to make it look whiter. And then later to be like, big butts are in.

It's like, oh. Yeah, no, go fuck yourself. Big lips are in. Oh, okay. This is all confusing. Bodies shouldn't have trends. I agree. But to answer your question about men,

men don't have trends where they have to change their body per se. Like manscaping was a thing. Yeah. Which is truly just like clip your fucking pubic hairs so they're not whisker-whisping in my mouth. Like it's disgusting. You can groom.

Like women as a union will come together and be like, we have one demand. Just one demand. Can you just shave around your balls a little? Could you do something with your toes? Can you clip your toenails on a regular basis maybe get a manicure and buff your nails so they don't scratch my fucking vulva yeah um that was like a hot thing um metrosexual which was just a man who thought about his appearance

yeah who wasn't a complete slob yes where everyone was like but are they gay and it's like they just look nice and then dad bod which is like we're back to letting men be disgusting and it's trending i think i have a mom bod no i don't think you do well no i think that i will like i always joke that like when i have three kids, everyone will go, oh, now we get her. I don't think you have a mom bod at all. To me, a mom bod is huge tits, no hips, or all hips, no tits. All hips, no tits. I do feel bad for some bigger women who didn't get boobs.

I didn't get boobs. some bigger women who like didn't get boobs. I didn't get boobs. I think, I mean, I think that it like, I wish I had smaller boobs, but some women I'm like, damn, you're curving. You didn't even get boobs.

I didn't get any boobs. I wear an eight cup. Yeah, baby. Oh, wow. But I can't find a bra to like actually fit me. So like I'm constantly just not in pain, but always uncomfortable well that's the other thing too is that like the uh the like i don't want the formula for what a bra is is so simplistic that it's just like who does this fits for so few people bras fit very few

people clothing fits very few people. Clothing is just hard. Clothing's insane. I've lately been getting things tailored. I think that is the way you got to do it. Because nothing is made correctly. Yeah. I also have like, I don't know. Yeah.

Everything is so silly. I look at like some people who are just like straight up and down and I'm like, God, do you just go to the mall and everything? and you're like, this looks nice. Well, this looks nice. Well, I'll tell you, they tell me on the internet, no. Tall, thin people, the pants are too short. I tweeted something about how, it was like a retweet where it was like,

thin people who can't dress are stupid because everything is in your size. You better believe a lot of people were like, well, things are just too short. And I'm like, yes, but you could go to like eight different stores and find something? Yeah, you can just get them like a lot of places have long. Yeah, Old Navy.

You can go anywhere. I have a question. So like, oh, wait, first let's take a break. so like oh wait first let's take a break and we're back what a beautiful break um before you got married did wait did you miss apps you missed apps i was on ok cupid for like a week uh- week and I got real scared and I got off it. So you didn't meet anybody from OkCupid? No, people started messaging me and I was worried I would hurt their feelings if I didn't message back so I got off.

You don't hurt men's feelings when you don't message, they just get aggressive and want to know why you didn't message them back. And then they'll be like you gonna talk to me? One man said you gonna talk to me? I said no. gonna talk to me i said no and then he was like why and i was like i don't want to but anyway so you were on okay keep it for a week yeah i did miss i think i am like most thankful that i missed the wave of like tinder and bumble and all that stuff because i think i would have done poorly on them. I mean, it is very, very hard.

I matched with a pizza. And the pizza, I matched with this pizza in June. And it says, pizza loves you too, Nicole. And I think I said on the podcast that he unmatched me because I thought he did. Yeah. But pizza messaged me Wednesday to let me know that I am a liar. Pizza keeps up with you? Pizza said a friend told me you mentioned me on

your podcast but said I never responded to you. But I said I love you Nicole. Why would you lie about this pie? So Pizza. Pizza's getting indignant. Pizza is getting indignant. Pizza, if your friend's listening i'm sorry that i missed your first message and i'm sorry that i said you unmatched

me oh brother i will say that is like the same thing we're like on twitter when people are like indignant or mean or crazy but they don't have a real profile picture i'm like go fuck yourself what are you doing? You're going to hide behind a picture of your dog and say insane things? Well, this person's hiding behind a pepperoni pizza. And then this man, I won't say his name, but this guy matched with me,

and I'm 100% sure we have already fucked. Like, there's no doubt in my mind and it was bad. So when we first fucked, he like, we like messaged, he came over and then he like pulled down his pants

and his dick was like bent. Not curved, it was like a drain pipe bent. And I, Like at an angle? Like an L. Oh, wow. And I didn't scream because I figured that was rude.

So then I fucked him anyway. Did you have to come in sideways? He hit it from behind. So he inserted it. Yes. And sucking it, I was like, someone would have to love this man to the ends of the earth to do this a second time. Even when he was hard, it was bent? It was, yes.

It was the weirdest dick I've ever seen. It looked like, you know, a sausage casing where like there are links and you can like bend them. It was like bent. And then when he ate me out, he kicked his feet. Like a little dog when he gets scratched on the belly. I like looked in the mirror and was like, this is bad. Then when we were done, he was in the bathroom and I was like, if I start watching TV, surely he'll leave. He'll be like, she needs her TV time.

So I was watching Sisters and he sits down after going to the bathroom, and he's like, oh, yeah, that Tina Poehler's funny. And I was like, oh, man, it's Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. And he's like, yeah, yeah, I've heard about them. And I was like, sure, yeah. Heard about them. And then he kept asking me questions, and I was like, uh-huh. Then John, my roommate, came out of his room and was like, oh, this is happening.

And then he went back in his room, and I was trying to make eyes at him to be like, say an emergency's happening. Say something's happening. And then finally he's like, well, I guess I got to get back home. And I was like, all right. And he's like, yeah, text me. And I was like, yes, I will. And then I unmatched him. And then I think this is him.

Oh, boy. But he just said, hey, Nicole, how are you doing? Like, he didn't remember. But then I was like, how many big black women are you fucking that we all blend together? Then I'm going to forget that dick. I'll never forget that dick. It was the worst dick I've ever seen. No.

Didn't you talk about you had that one really, really small dick? That one was bad. That one was not good. Because he was like aggressive with his little dick and he's like, I'm gonna fuck you from behind.

I was like, with what? I also, I've just been, I'm really horny. And I want to fuck. But like, I kind of want to just like fuck somebody I know I don't want to fuck strangers

anymore it just seems exhausting to have like the same conversation yeah also someone you know will know a lot of the deal of just like I'm going to be out of town I'm going to be here I'm going to be not here's my house don't be a weirdo don't be a weirdo you can be in there i don't care whatever but then like a lot of

our friends are getting all booed up and or are perpetually single and maybe there's something wrong with them also i feel like a lot of our friends and not that any of us are normal because we're all like comedians but like when you'll have sometimes like a late night conversation they'll like reveal something that they believe in vulnerability i'd be like oh wow that's how you see the world you're afraid of that or you know the comedy community is not like a you there's like little gems yes but a lot of those people are like i think if you're not married by a certain age it's like it's a red flag stop don't say that no i mean i mean the men okay good and that's maybe not fair but i am kind of

like no i mean i think in the comedy world especially like improv because it's so incestuous that if you aren't booed up by like 35 ish it is like there's something on you because there's so many great women to choose from. Yeah. I don't know. I just spend a lot of time crushing on people and then never acting on it. I feel like I act on it and then get like my, I would act on it and then get like, I don't know.

It was so weird. There was, like, my single period of L.A. was, it felt so frustrating. And, like, I remember, like, multiple times guys would sleep in my bed and do nothing. What? Yes. More than one occasion. What? I was, like, I'm going i'm gonna stay here like can i sleep

in your bed and i was like yeah sure and then not touch me what and that is so like did you chicken out what's happened here the wildest thing i've ever heard in my life that is so wild to say that you want to sleep in someone's bed and then not do anything with that and then like one of those guys when i did like have to be like hey you know i like you right and they were like i was waiting for this um was like oh i'm too good of friends with your roommates i don't want that to get messed up. And I was just like, you gotta be fucking kidding me. That is so fucking shitty.

Yeah, but I, and that's where like sometimes, like in my mind, I'm like, the girl is the last, is the person who like, and this is not right, but like the girls like gives the ultimate like,

okay, you always want it. And if I say yes, you can get it. Like that's such a wrong perception where like guys are always like if you're horny and a girl you could just like step into a thing and get a guy and it's like i will tell you so many horny girls who would love to be like well here's the thing i am horny and i know that if i put my mind to it i can get fucked within an hour i just a don't want to fuck a stranger right now i just

like strangers are scary i just i'm not into it right now two i just don't want to have bad sex anymore like i'm really tired of first time sex where i have to be like this i like this this i don't like what do you want, I'll suck your dick. Of course you'll like that. Like, I just, I would really love to fuck someone repeatedly. Yeah. Where, like, I know that it's going to be good. You start by being like, they know the baseline what you want. Yes.

Yes. They know I like having my pussy rooted around in. Rooted around in. You know, just putting some fingies in there. I don't know. Life is bad. Also, I keep asking people, I'm like, do you have a friend for me? Yeah.

Or like, does your boyfriend have a friend? And the answer I get 100% of the time is, I do have like single guy friends or like my boyfriend is single guy friends. But like they're all in bad places. And I'm like, that doesn't mean we can't have sex repeatedly. Yeah, that's not a terrible place to. No, I don't know. Do you have friends? I that's.

Yeah, I have friends. Single friends. I think so. Yeah, we can figure this out. I don't want to name names on air but yeah I think it's crazy to be like do you have friends? does your boyfriend have friends?

no no it's just the two of us and we're on a little island we live in our forest house we live in our forest house good call back can you look at my tinder profile i will ugh this fucking man nicole how's your weekend i also matched with this lady who she was like hi where do you live

and i told her not really i said at water even though i don't live in that water yeah throw them off the case a little bit you know and then she was like i saw you on tv and you look like fun i was like but do you want to fuck me do you know that is an interesting phenomenon and maybe that's not what you're saying right now i feel like in my past uh i am not really attracted to women but i find that like women think i'm very attracted and men think I'm okay. Gay men like me and I constantly get gay men being like, if I wasn't gay and then women are attracted to me, I'm attracted to women.

I don't know. I like them all. What I really want is an effeminate man. I want a gay man who is gay until he decided to fuck me. Okay, like someone on the border? Yeah. That's fun. But even like

super effeminate is fine. Oh yeah, I didn't even mean like a gender presenting but like sexuality, like. Yes, someone who,

honestly, they could be fully gay, like fully on the Kinsey scale. Gay, gay as can be, never been with a woman. But just think it's a hoot to put their penis in you

well no but they're like maybe I'll do it and see how it feels and they're like I like it and I like her oh that's what a fun specific fantasy like if Josh Sharp was ever like I'll fuck you I would say yes please

I bet he would honestly and then if he fell in love with me I'd'd be like, great. This is my new boyfriend who was gay and now is not. Is this the first picture in the series? Yeah, baby. This is you with the black dick. Yeah. Do you think dildos like this are real or novelty?

Like, are people using these? Yes. Wow. Not me, though. That feels wild. And I think people will be be like have you used that before i think if i was using it it would be in my profile i think i'd be like i use this dildo that come prepared yeah are you 28 no okay i was like i don't know how to get into my Facebook to change it because it stays logged in.

Okay. But I guess I could change it now. I just have to. Well, it's logged in. Maybe I go to settings. I don't know. I couldn't change it before. This soup picture is very, very cute.

This soup picture. Thank you. Especially since I've heard tell a tale of that. You don't like soup. I hate soup. This is a. Thank you. Especially since I've heard a tale that you don't like soup. I hate soup. This is a funny callback. Ben Green did that. His Photoshop is so funny.

This is a fun picture of you in a suit, a body suit. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Showing that body so people know what they're getting. It's me instead of holding the dick, I'm holding the ghost. Oh, your makeup is very pretty in this. Thank you. Pineapple picture. Thank you.

I like this car picture. The Clyde picture's fun. You get so many different styles because of your wigs and everything. Yes, I, well, I try to, like, put a bunch of different wigs just so people know I change my hair a lot. I think this is fun. I would maybe order these differently. Okay. Like, maybe not the big dildo black dick first.

And maybe that goes against, well, I think this is fun. I think that like, if I'm being honest, this is not your most flattering picture. Okay. And I don't mean that it's not flattering, but I mean that like, I think like this one. The pineapple one? The pineapple one or the car one I think is fun because that's like, I think that is like, you're very pretty in this one, but also you're like, look, I'm silly. So I would like, because I don't know, but it feels like that's the first one they're going to see. And then let them kind of like, maybe I would even do like a rule of three and let this be the third like one.

All right. Does that make sense? Yeah, I'm gonna do it right now. Nicole, have you been with older guys no in my 20s i would sleep with like 38 year olds yeah which is like i think the oldest person i've been with except for this one man who was in his 40s and i only made out with him in front of a wells fargo um i wonder if if this theory we were talking about earlier of maybe you need to get a man

and stop getting with boys. Maybe. I don't know. I don't know. I'm fully, fully at a loss as to what to do. I did sign up to be match made with a match maker, but I didn't answer the question seriously.

So I don't know if they think I'm serious. So then it's like an open Google Doc on my computer where I'm trying to answer it more seriously. I also think that I wonder how much part of it is that if you're on the road, you're not going to get like, I would not want to get with someone on the road. That feels like it would be scary.

Yeah. Maybe you need to maybe these are the stupidest suggestions, but do a non comedy related activity like a pottery class. Oh my god god i don't have time i know i know i know i guess i do i do have like lulls in my schedule i'm in a lull right now but um i guess or like i'm trying to think of like because they say a lot of just like you got

to put yourself out there and like a lot of it is like an odds game it's just like meeting people um yeah and part of me what's tough about the ucb community is it so often feels like you've met everyone you're gonna meet yeah i mean you're a little bit more out of the like the run of the mill kind of thing um but or maybe it's like a newer person i don't know but also like what's tough is then like everyone gets so weird about ego about like being in different places of careers and yeah and i also do not want to date someone who's still excited about an improv show oh yeah like i do them i love improv but i'm not like you skip it a do today's the day i'm going to my show yeah or that like wants to be like can we just like talk second beats yeah and

it's like i've been there done that i've nerded out enough yeah i i i can't yeah uh i feel like stand-up is worse oh everyone is so damaged and fucked up yeah I will say like as much as everyone makes fun of improv at least like people are cheery on the outside even people who I've met and like I'll watch their sets and then like talk to them in the green room and be like oh you are

nicer than you present on stage even then I'm like you still I'm always so worried about like oh you're gonna make fun of me you're gonna be mean to me um and a lot of them are can be very nice but also like everybody has depression in the stand-up world everyone is slightly clinically depressed or an alcoholic like and also like the type of alcoholic that's not like in recovery but like proudly like this is a this is a part of my personality i'm a sagittarius and an alcoholic raging alcoholic well i think improv is like well i'm gonna leave my house to like get on a stage with seven other people and see what we can build comedy wise whereas stand up you're like especially

like on the road you're like the audience sometimes are the first and only people I talk to today. Yeah. And I'm mad at them if they don't like my jokes. It's their fault. It wasn't me. This fucking crowd. I do get mad at crowds sometimes. A lot of times.

Yeah. Sometimes I will just be like, why are you so scared? But then sometimes I will be like, I think it's the club's fault of like, why is it fully lit in here? Yeah. Or things like that are like, I don't know. I did a show in Silver Lake at a bar on Hyperion and all of the lights were on. There was just a stool and a microphone in the middle of the room. No stage, nothing.

I walked in. I i said this must be a prank this can't be real but it was the show started people were going in and out of this door that was closing so loud yeah that's so distracting it was so distracting i started my set and they weren't laughing so then i started laughing at the punchlines and I was like, well, if you're not gonna laugh, I'll laugh at me. Ooh, it was a bad show. It was not fun and I hated it. But I try really hard not to like shit on rooms when I'm in them.

But I'll shit in them on my podcast. Yeah, baby. I one time through our friend Gilly got set up with this like corporate standup thing and they were gonna pay me $300. So I was like, was like sure I'll do anything and they wanted me to come downtown to roast their boss bosses for this like Christmas party thing and it was like a ballroom that it was a surprise I was coming at first they weren't going to give me a microphone and I'm like please give me a microphone or else it's gonna be so awkward and it was like they're like we're not gonna explain

who you are we're not gonna ensure you're just gonna show up and in my mind I was like you are not setting me up to succeed in any fashion they set you up to be a crazy woman from the streets shouting about this man and they were all in like black tie attire uh-huh and like one of the only jokes that they did enjoy as i like walked in and i was like you ever walk into a room and know for sure you're the poorest one there and they were like yes more of that we like what this poor woman has to say yes the plebeian is speaking and praising us uh yeah it was so weird but i was like i'm gonna get through this 20 minutes. And then I'm like, immediately I was like, Venmo me that money now.

20 minutes? It was something weird. I had to also roast them within them. And the things they gave me to roast them for were so insane. And it was like, I don't know. It wasn't anything. And I was like, I got to make up jokes from these three facts. That's so wild.

What's one of the facts? Do you remember? I'm trying to think of like one person. I think like drinking was a thing. And I was like, are we, do we all agree that this person thinks this is funny? Because Carol's an alcoholic. Everyone's like, yeah, Carol's a mess. And then Carol falls down.

Yeah. Carol's husband's crying. We can't get her to stop corporate comedy is um hard those gigs are very hard well i yeah i did like an improv thing at like a bar mitzvah once and it's always just like get me through this pay me my money and then it must like on a different level of like what sex work is like yeah probably uh colleges are kind of like that college kids are very self-conscious and don't want to laugh and are very like that's wrong that's why i didn't laugh that's based on the stereotype that's why i didn't laugh i was at a show where no one was

laughing and i was laughing super hard at one of the comics and people kept looking at me and i was like why it's a comedy show yeah why aren't you laughing yeah i do think that we are like i don't know this right now like the climate of everything is like we're we're trying to figure out our limits of things. And some people will be like, I'm offended on behalf of that person. And then that person will be like, you don't need to be offended on behalf of my I get to decide if I'm offended. And they're like, oh, OK. Somebody said one time, like, like my you can't say that my brother's retarded. And part of me is like, no, if you hold that belief,

it should be like, I just think that's wrong. It should never be, don't do that, it affects me. Well, that's like when Trump was like, grab him by the pussy, and some men were like, you can't say that, you know, I got daughters. And it's like, oh, yeah. I mean, you should just care about people. You shouldn't have to quantify a woman because you know one. Yeah, I do think it's like oh yeah I mean you should just care about people you shouldn't have

to quantify a woman because you know one yeah I do think it's so silly when people are like oh I had a daughter and now I get it they're people but it's like our people yeah what you mean is now one belongs to me one is mine yeah now one's my, so you can't do it to my property. Oh, boy. Wait, so you said you have single men in your life that you can send to me? I think. I think I'll make a think list. Okay. I wish I had more people who aren't.

I'm going to have to think about people who aren't connected to UCB. I have one single brother now. But he's a little bit of an enigma. But he might move here in January. I love that your whole family is moving here. They really are. All of them. They're all getting on the train.

We love LA. And it makes my mom so mad at me. She thinks I'm like the fucking Pied Piper. You kind of are. You're like, here's a better life. Here's another question. Would you date me, Mary? Would I date you?

I think we would have a lot of fun. I think I am not attracted to like, I get attracted to people kind of thing so i think we could have like a a very platonic like uh like kissing relationship i think that's as much as i would feel comfortable doing you wouldn't root around in my puss but i don't know if i would like want to root around in your puss fair but i think right yeah that we could but i wonder if um But I think that we could... But I wonder if... And I have this inside joke that he's going to be a third in our marriage.

Which would be such a funny, weird third. It would be so weird. Yeah, but if I could get him to open up, I mean, maybe I'd just invite him along. He is awesome. He's a mystery to me i he doesn't we i don't know i don't know very much about him my favorite um game when i have like nothing to do is to like thought think what that person you know like the moment when you're like about to fuck and you turn it on what are people like i love thinking about like a friend or like a colleague

and being like what is that moment when like their eyes turn into an animal and they turn it on and they're like oh i want you yeah because sometimes like in that moment where you like you see it you're like and sometimes like it doesn't happen as fun as you want you can see it in the improv scene oh several people i've fucked from the improv world started when i saw them. You saw the flash. See me sexually in a scene, which is insane. Yeah. Mary, we've come to a close.

Do you have anything you'd like to promote? Do I have anything I'd like to promote? I will promote this. Justin Michael's Bad Reception got released today. Yeah. And you were on it. Yeah. I was promote this. Justin Michael's Bad Reception got released today. Yeah. And you were on it. Yeah. I was on it. Go to audible.com, I think underscore bad reception.

And download that because I think it's a lot of funny people are on it. And I think it's going to be really great. It was a good time. I had fun. All right, Mary. Thank you so much for being here. If you liked this episode of Why Won't You Date Me, please subscribe on iTunes or wherever you listen to podcasts.

And if you leave me something nasty, I'll read it on my podcast. I'll read it on an episode. So, ethnically sourced porn star said, Hey, girl, let me pee in your butt. Rachel 810 said, Ooh, baby, do I love this podcast so much nicole's a revelation i hear she loves ample hills creamery because she's got great taste nicole please let me massage your ample hills and chomp on your ooey gooey butter cake oh that was fun i liked it and then this is from

uh con k-a-n-w-9-3 your podcast is amazing also i would be honored to tongue punch your fart box until you pass away that one was like fun goofy and then murderous yes i don't want to pass away while someone is fucking tonguing my asshole that seems awful can you believe like that on the like autopsy report well she got tongue too hard and died. Yeah, analingist to death. Oh, is that what it's called? They wouldn't say tongue fucked. Are you sure a medical examiner wouldn't say tongue fucked to death?

Probably not, but isn't analingist a funny little term? I like it. I think that's the technical term. All right, Mary. Thank you! Thank you for having me on. I like it I think that's the technical term Alright Mary Thank you Thank you for having me on You're welcome You sound like you're falling down a well

Imagine falling in a well How? I don't know And also saying thank you on the way down Thank you Like it's your fetish But truly how do you fall in a well? I've never seen a well, really.

Well, a well has a pump. So there's no reason for you to look in it. It'd have to be an old-timey one with a bucket. Oh, I guess so. And then not to well shame, but that would be your fault. It would be, you fucking dumb-dumb. I'd be so sad if I fell into a well. Oh, yeah, I think I would kill myself.

But someone would definitely find me. I'm super loud. Oh, and plus with that echo? Yeah. It would just amplify all around the forest. So that's where wells are, right? Next to the forest house?

I think so, yeah. A third call, or no, a second call back to forest house. This episode's ended. Bye-bye. this has been a team coco production