Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Nicole's Kicked off Hinge (w/ Julie Klausner)

Episode Date: November 11, 2022

Comedian Julie Klausner (Billy on the Street, Difficult People) chats with Nicole about the corny messages she gotten from dating apps, why Nicole was kicked off Hinge, and whether or not Nicole would've met the love of her life at Heidi Klum's Halloween party. Plus, they discuss their favorite New York restaurants.  Black Lives Matter.  Click here for an updated list of over 100 different things you can do to support racial justice.   Follow Nicole Byer: Twitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerMerch: podswag.com/datemeNicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Ooh, baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me, a podcast where me, Nicole Pryor, tries to figure out how I'm still single, even though you could come all over my tiles and tell me you just re-culked my tub. My guest today, he is a comedian and a writer who co-executive produced Billy on the Street

and created and starred in the series Difficult People. Also hosts a podcast called Double Threat, which is available every Monday on the Forever Dog Network. Put your ears open for... Yes! Yes! Julie Clouser! I'm so excited to be here.

Thank you for having me, Nicole. Thank you for doing this. Julie, you look beautiful as always. Thank you. I love that you said that I'm not wearing a stitch of makeup. Me neither. I was actually thinking about that yesterday. I was like, is it a drop of makeup? A stitch of makeup? What would you say when you aren't wearing any I say a stitch a drop I don't I think I just said stitch but drop is also a good one yeah an ounce well you look you look fabulous thank you and I haven't seen you in I I've been I've been waiting to tell you this, but your, your purple Siriano like made me cry. Thank you, Julie. It is, I think my favorite look I've ever done in my whole entire life.

I'm like getting emotional thinking about it. When I, when I saw you, this is the Emmy, this is the, and I don't, and I'm not like, oh, like I cry at fashion moments kind of person. But this was like the Emmys 2021 and you showed up on the red carpet. And I like I got like I was I was overwhelmed. Thank you. I just had to share because like to this day, I think of it and I just like like the word iconic gets tossed around a lot, but it was just, it was so memorable. And it just, it was so, it just evoked emotions. You were, and it made me think of like, this is what beauty can do.

It can actually like change how you feel. And it changed how I felt in that moment. And I was just so happy and so excited and proud of you and you just look so beautiful I just had to share that thank you I very much appreciate that I when I saw the dress cried yeah when I put the dress on cried yep uh before I got my makeup on cry like I just felt so pretty and I feel like a lot of fat women don't get that opportunity. A lot of women in general or people who identify as women don't get that opportunity in general because, you know, sometimes stuff doesn't, isn't made to fit us all. And I was very blessed

to be able to wear something custom made for me. You transferred that feeling to everyone looking at you. So everyone looking at you also felt blessed. Everybody looking at you being beautiful felt lucky and seen. And like, it was such a, it was such a Cinderella moment. I just, oh my God. Oh my God. Well, I don't know where it is. I think it's at the...

Doesn't matter. Maybe FIT? It's on display. It should be at the Smithsonian. It should be next to, like, what do they have at the Smithsonian? Archie Bunker's chair? Get that out of there, first of all. What's that doing?

That piss-soaked thing? Blech. Oh, my God. Julie, the most horrific thing happened to me this week. Speaking of being single, Hinge. Yes. Decided to delete my profile.

Why? Do they think that you were an imposter? Do they think someone was pretending to be you? I think that's what happened because I went to log in and they were like, you have violated our guidelines. And I was like, moi? You're too famous for Hinge and they were like, you have violated our guidelines. And I was like, what? You're too famous for him. I was like, I certainly did not say anything terrible to anybody.

And then I like tweeted about it. I was like, oh, I've been wronged. And then they were like, we thought someone was impersonating you. And I was like, I am famously single. Yes. Yes. I'm famously single like I yes yes I'm famously single and famously famous so single they don't know how to handle that

and did they reinstate your profile what happened they did but I was like truly and I've said this before to people who've been like are you catfishing me I'm like I would pick a better celebrity I would pick a better celebrity. I would pick someone who's actually famous.

I would really just pick a better one. But you know, whatever. I think that's, first of all, I think that's fabulous that you were kicked off of Hinge and I would definitely come up with a different reason as to why. Just to tell people about

how you were sending people photos of your asshole or something um and then um and then my my next question to you is has hinge been a good like a productive app for you to the extent where when it was deleted you were disappointed because you're like oh this was actually a good one it was a good one and the last two people I dated for like over a month like over two months or whatever we're both from hinge okay so I like hinge and I've talked about it on the show about how much I like it so when they removed me I was like what did I do to you? How does it compare to Bumble?

What are the other ones? Bumble, Tinder. Bumble, Tinder. OKCupid, Raya. OKCupid is still around. Coffee Meets Bagel, but I don't like that one. OKCupid is still kicking. Coffee Meets Bagel sounds anti-Semitic.

That sounds, I don't know about that. It's like some Kyrie Irving stuff there. I don't know. I don't like it personally. It sounds, because what about millions of fish or something? Or plenty of fish? Oh, plenty of fish. I don't know if that still exists.

Plenty of fish? I don't know if that still exists. What are, if you had to reduce or like reduce each one of those apps to like a headline, what would you say? I mean, Tinder was a hookup app, but then I went on a couple dates recently on Tinder where it was like, no, I'm actually looking for someone. So I feel like it's come full circle. So Tinder, full circle. Okay.

Hinge was good, now bad. OK, Cupid. Oh, boy. Everyone's a real, truly just a real nightmare. Well, wait. It's just you being like, bad, bad, bad. They're all bad. None of them are like a tree.

Keep going. Keep going. None of them are a dream. Keep going. Keep going. Bumble, bumble. If you're a black woman good luck because asking a man on a date is aggressive and that's what you have to do you have to ask the gentleman out oh wow that's wow i will say i've gotten some fun uh messages on tinder this kind person said hello, Nicole, are you a library book?

Because I'm checking you out. I love it. I liked it. I was like, okay, that's fun with me. Yeah. Okay, this other person said, this is Tinder. Did you write back, okay, that's fun with me? How do you flirt?

No, I didn't write anything back because i didn't like them oh okay um but this person said nice to match with you nicole dot dot so technically it means we're dating right that's not that's not it these are made are you are you this sounds like a dad joke app that you're on you're matching with guys that are making corny dad jokes oh i know or rude people this person said matt said you me room 2182 at the westin how's that sound and i wrote bad although i keep in mind that's probably on the 21st floor that sounds like a sweet it does sound like a sweet but i'm like can you take me out to drinks before trying to fuck me i mean i'm just getting older i need to be i don't know slightly wooed you know okay this other person said, hi, Nicole, yummy with an I profile.

Where do you live? I'm not telling you. Where do you live? I'm not telling you. Why would I tell you where I live? Did he mean LA versus New York? Was it just him making conversation or was he just like, am I, like, I want your address? I don't know. To me, it seemed like he want any man who's using yummy with an eye and ask me where I live. I think they want to come over. Um, here's a very fun fact slash tangent.

It was when I was in sixth grade, I started, um, cookie and brownie business called yummy with an eye where I would make Duncan Hines, uh, chocolate chip cookies and brownies and bring them in and sell them for, um, i think like 25 cents a cookie and 50 cents a brownie to my um classmates wow yeah an entrepreneur you were i was um yeah but i think it was just an excuse for me to like make brownies and cookies every day fair it didn't last i had a i had a partner who would not pull her weight oh no she did not pull her weight yeah yeah and then did you have to dissolve the company? I had to dissolve.

I had to fire everybody. I screamed at my mom. No. My mom was like, you know, Rachel's mother asked if they were made from a mix. And I said they weren't. And I was like, good job, mom. And then Rachel tried to get me to, like, lower the price. She's like, I'm just saying that more people might buy more if they were cheaper.

And I was like, thanks for the advice. I mean, she's not wrong. But also it's like, what are profit margins? If we can get people to pay a higher price, they should pay the higher price. And then if we have too much product, then we discount it at the end of the day. Yeah, thanks. Right, exactly. Like, thanks for the business school

and also by the way are you buying because if you're not next you know what i mean but anyway so this guy said yummy with an eye not the name of my entrepreneurial business which did not last did not last a week it did not last well maybe you should join forces with this guy and then launch a yummy with an eye company cut to like a year from now i'm giving a ted talk like women in business real quick we have to take a break oh my god And we're back. made billions in the baked goods world. Baking Dunkin', because I mean, I will say, Nicole, it's like not a bad idea to start baking box cakes and treats and just selling them. Like why can't I go to the store to get a Dunkin' Heinz brownie?

Do you know what I mean? It is a good idea. I don't know why. Like you could open a bakery and just sell like Nestle Tollhouse recipe cookies. That's what I'm saying. Because they're very good. Like why are we reinventing the wheel?

I've had a lot of Nestle cookies. They're like warm all the time. They're warm all the time. Like those box cakes, like those like, I will also say nothing is better than to me, a yellow Duncan Hines like box cake with a chocolate like a pillsbury chocolate frosting or something um anyway that would be my that would be my bakery be like the box cake bakery i think that's a good idea and honestly i i think you should do it i think i will and i will i will say that in my ted talk um yeah i say, I want to thank Nicole, but this time I'm still rhyming.

These are the people I'd like to thank before I go to the bank. Everyone's like, is she just listing her errands? What's happening? Then I'm going to fix my hair. Julie, I have a question. Yes. Are you dating or are you single or are you, I'm not saying, because that's an option. I have been seeing someone for a while, so I'm not single.

That's nice. Yeah. And you say for a while. Five years. Can I ask how long? Five years. Five years. Yeah.

That's nice. What is the secret to first getting somebody, maintaining someone, and hitting the five-year mark? I don't think there's a secret. I think it's just luck. And I also think when it comes to dating and it comes to you being single, it's just...

And I know that, like, especially with the women I know who tend to like constantly look inward and constantly say, how can I be more available? How can I be more of this? How can I do more of that? It really just comes down to like, you just haven't met the right person yet. And you will like, you're gonna meet somebody who can like who's and it's not even like who can handle you or who can not be intimidated by you it's like there there's there's the right person and it you know they just haven't crossed your path yet it just it just hasn't happened there's nothing you're doing wrong in other words and there's nothing here is there's nothing

that you're not doing that you should be doing it's just a matter of like luck and timing and and that's so out of your control so i just i don't know i always tell women like you're just keep doing what you're doing like there's it's just a matter of like you just haven't met the right person yet that's all but it could be in my control if you told me where you met your significant other, and then I could try to recreate it so that I could find love myself. Well, I do want to see you in a red wig, first of all. Have you ever done red? Have you ever been red?

In high school, I did a lot of burgundy. Like the feria feria red yes like very very early 2000s oh the cariann moss maroon yeah like a maroony burgundy that was that was my color it had a hold on me basically i think you will meet i met met him working, doing what I do. And I think that will happen with you too. Okay. So when you were single before five years, so let's rewind to six years ago, you were single. Yes. Yes. Were you ever on any dating apps? I was on all of them, all of them. And it is a nightmare, but I imagine it's worse now because of the like, well, because the last couple of years of pandemic, like not wanting to get together. to in person seems like a bigger step that people are kind of more addicted to the app and the swiping of it than the meeting which i think has always sort of been the case but i guess now it must be harder and then also just like i don't know things just seem shittier in general yeah

okay so i'll tell you exactly what happened so before the fucking vaccine and before we were like pretending that this was done like i would talk to people and then like it would just fizzle and then i was like well i'm done until we could go back outside i'm done and then after the vaccine rolled out people would like we would do i would do outdoor dates meet people in a park meet someone at like the fucking alfresco street dining where you're like literally eating a steak in a fucking tailpipe and um you know you'd be like i don't know am i gonna kiss this person who knows um now it's a fucking uh free-for-all yeah nobody gives a shit no one knows oh you mean in terms of just like no one cares about like getting together or COVID or. I mean, people will just kiss you.

Like, yeah, it's just, you know. That I never got used to when I was on a first date with someone and I was sort of getting to know them and then they just reach over and start smooching me. I would be like, I can't. I like I'd like I cannot compute. I went on a date with a man. This is like, I don i went on a date with a man this was like i don't know a little it was a while ago not whatever but i went on a date with this man who was like six pumpkins tall did i tell this story mars i don't think so no i don't think so is this a post i saw the nightmare before christmas style of measurement that you're doing now sure is

i saw the nightmare before Before Christmas and I said, I will measure everything in pumpkins and bones. So he was six pumpkins, two bones tall. I can't. He was dressed like Jeffrey Dahmer. He was wearing a bomber jacket. What? And like a baseball cap.

And I feel like bomber jackets and baseball caps is the mark of a serial killer trying not to get recognized. Or a presidential assassin. He was like going to kill the president or something. Maybe. jackets and baseball caps is the mark of a serial killer trying not to get recognized we're a presidential assassin he was like going to kill the president or something maybe but i was like if he fucking slays my pussy first do i care i could just go i know he's gonna be the he's gonna be the pussy assassin you know i'm here for that so yeah we go to my favorite restaurant and he was like and i asked him to share an arugula salad and he said he doesn't eat vegetables so i was like so what are your insides rotten what do you mean you don't eat vegetables you're a grown cereal killer

you should be eating many vegetables to keep you know the killings happening but anyway i digress so he ends up sharing it with me and I was like look it's arugula but a lot of parmesan and it's not a real salad he was like I guess it's fine and I was like oh my god so then our conversation was terrible and he would like ask me a question I would answer it and it was like a question that he could build on and tell me his answer. But then I would just have to stare at him as he shoveled food in his mouth and then be like, so what about you? Do you have a sibling? And then he would like tell me. And then I ended up driving him home because he had walked to the restaurant.

He didn't live super far. So I dropped him. I was dropping him off. He like was wiggling in his seat at me and i was like oh my god did you feel unsafe at all when you were driving him home no because it wasn't that far and what are you gonna do while i'm driving i don't know tell me so i swerve into oncoming traffic and then kill multiple people and then you're in the car too when we stop maybe i'll be worried you're trying to serial kill it's like a very efficient

that's a very seven and one blow kind of move but keep going yeah so he's driving so you're driving him home so we pull up to his apartment building and he's wiggling around and i was like does he have to pee or something and i was just staring at him i was like what he said i had a really great time and i said oh thank you he's like i'd like to go out again i said oh yeah me i think so too and then he just stared at me and i was like are you gonna like kiss me or something and he was like i'm thinking about it and i said okay and then he leaned over and he kissed me with an open mouth yes he open mouth kissed me with no tongue okay no tongue though just open mouth on my mouth and then he rubbed my stomach like i was a troll doll

he rubbed me like i was like something for good luck he rubbed me like the stump at the apollo he rubbed my stomach in the weirdest fucking way and then like leaned back and smiled and then i pulled away and then pulled over and burst into tears because I was like what is this I was hoping you're gonna say burst into laughter but that's worse I was like laughter and tears it was a little bit of both it was pretty manic you got a kermit the frog kiss you got two puppets yeah like whatever that puppet open mouth was uh-huh And then he rubbed your stomach and smiled. Yes. This man must be stopped.

It was very strange. It was so weird. And then he like texted me a couple times, but I took a long time to answer, which is rude. I should have been like, what I usually do is, I didn't really feel any chemistry,

so I'm so sorry. God bless. Good luck but uh has that ever backfired do guys ever get mad when you get that when you send that yes I've sent it to two gentlemen and one of them got very he was like well yeah good luck to you too I mean maybe I inferred it that way because it was a text message but it just seemed a little aggressive yeah yeah i don't know dating is how you say sad i'm sorry that happened to you i hate uh i hate that and then he also had the first shit he's ever had because he had vegetables that night maybe that's why he was wiggling he was like i don't know what this oh yes he was feeling was feeling his body was starting to work for the first time. Yeah, it just blew my mind.

I was like, why don't you eat vegetables? What's wrong with you? That can be the spinoff to this show. Why won't you eat vegetables? Why won't you eat vegetables? Why won't you eat vegetables? The theme song will have to rework a little bit. I disagree.

If you touch it, it'll be like putting a mustache on the Mona Lisa or putting one of those cans of soup on the paintings like these protesters like to do these days. It is weird. Listen, I'm no art fan. I'm a fan of soup. See, I don't like soup.

You don't? I don't like soup. I do like art. I think soup is bad. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Record scratch. Okay. Matzo ball soup? That I've actually never had.

What? I've never had it. Oh my God. I want to take you to eat matzo ball soup for the first time and see if you like it. Okay. Where can I get it from? Kreplach. Kreplach are boiled dumplings with ground beef inside of them,

and they're so good. The best matzo ball soup, I think, is at the Second Avenue Deli or Veselka. I love Veselka. They have delicious pierogies. They sure do. Well, Kreplach are like pierogies. They are wonderful. You will love them.

What about stews, like chilies and things like that i don't love wow chili chili by itself seems insane what about on top of rice or a potato i guess but it seems like too much loving this this is interesting to me yeah like whenever people eat chili from Wendy's, I'm like, that looks disgusting. Well, chili from Wendy's... Remember when that lady was like, I found a finger in it and they found out it was just her husband's

that he hacked it off. And she put it in the chili and was like, let's make some money today. White people are horrible. If anyone takes anything away from this interview, I just want to go on record and today white people are horrible why i have to if if anyone takes anything away from this interview that's i just want to go on record and say white people are awfully wild yeah let me look that up my god i want to make sure that i'm not because there was a couple of

cases like that i think they were from the 90s because remember there was the hot coffee case oh yeah where mcdonald's was like this is a frivolous lawsuit and then i watched a documentary and her coffee was heated up to like 400 degrees and like her vagina was like oh okay so the chili finger was in 2010 this was in san jose wow And the hot coffee thing. Yes. I remember seeing that as well. It was like, it was a documentary about tort reform. So I could be like, actually, like, McDonald's was totally wrong. And then meanwhile, I'm like, I'm like, can I have a small cone? I'm like, can I have a small cone? Here's what I order at McDonald's.

A small cone or a coffee in the morning if I have to. I'll drink McDonald's coffee. I really like their coffee. I like their coffee. It's pretty good. I like their coffee. And I'm trying to think of what else if I had to order something at McDonald's. I'm not crazy about their fries. See, I like their fries, but I like them fresh without salt because they have to like make they have to drop you new fries if you want them without salt.

Is that true? That's a good tip. That's how you get hot, fresh fries. I had no idea. That's a great tip is get them with no salt. And that way you have to wait and you meet all kinds of friends all sorts of good fun people my dad he used to order them no salt because he had high cholesterol and shit um but he liked having a treat on thursdays and then anytime i would like reach in the bag and like eat his fries i'd be like these are so

much better than the fries we get because they just made them yes because they're very fresh this is a great tip it is also my dad my dad isn't allowed to eat salt in the last few years either and sometimes i eat his food by mistake and you're like ah you're like it's like eating the it's like eating like the tupperware in the fridge it's like no that was for the dog how come the salmon doesn't have any sauce in it eating healthy sucks not and people have said to me they're like nicole you just have to like season it or you make it delicious and i was like the lie detector detected that that is a fucking lie healthy food inherently is not good because you can't put too much salt in it right you can't really flavor it no way that's like yummy right and then i don't know it's trash but i did discover smoothies you like smoothies but you don't like soup whereas soup is just think of it as a hot smoothie

see that makes me very angry wait what did you do for halloween i got um i went to the duane reed downstairs to look for candy for the trick-or-treaters in case they showed up and all the candy was locked up because uh everything's locked up um for shoplifters and i didn't want to talk to a duane reed employee to ask him to like unlock it. So I bought Pop-Tarts instead in case I had to give any out to children. Were we going to open it up and give them a little, break them off like the crown at the end of Mean Girls? I was going to be the like the cool neighbor that like has like, here's two, you know, like the packet.

And no one showed up. So I ended up having Pop-Tarts for dinner, and I watched the parade, and it was fine. I like that. I think that's a nice, fun Halloween. Okay, I hope so. I mean, I am in my mid-40s, and I don't have any children, so I hope I did okay,

but I do, like I said, I did look at my social media, and I was like, am I not doing life correctly? Am I not having enough fun? I mean, I did look at my social media and I was like, am I not doing life correctly? Am I not having enough fun? I mean, everybody went out. Also, people are now doing photo shoots for their costumes. And I was like, when did this happen?

Are you serious? That's not acceptable. Well, you know what? One of my biggest pet peeves is when like normies, when civilians like dress up and they go to parties and they stay in character of the, of the person. I've never seen that. It's a nightmare.

So you're talking to someone who's dressed as Popeye and you're like, you're Popeye. And he's like, or whatever the fuck it is. See, I would like that. I like when people commit to the bit i watched a movie on halloween with my two friends um but i was supposed to go to heidi klum's halloween party

this year the worm the worm she was a worm and it made me laugh so hard what a treat to see Heidi Klum yeah get so excited yeah and film the process to become a worm yeah but um hours of the most claustrophobic looking prosthetic costume ever and she just looked so happy as that worm but I um hosted Jimmy Kimmel over the summer while he was on vacation and interviewed Heidi Klum and she was like come to my Halloween party and I was like yeah right you'll never fucking remember and then I got the invite and I was like oh shit okay but then I sat on it for too long yeah by the time I like made the choice to go I didn't have any time to set up like a makeup artist or like someone to make me something and I was, I can't go to Heidi Klum's Halloween party. Yeah.

Not right. Like giving or serving something. You know what I mean? Yes. You can't just go to like Halloween adventure and get like some devil horns and call it a night. No. And I'm like,

I think about it a lot. I would give yourself permission to never think about it again. I don't know, Julie. What if my future partner was there? What? Dressed up like fucking Captain Crook? I mean, come on.

No, we don't meet. Do we meet people at Halloween parties? No. I don't know. Maybe this would have been the year. She literally said, don't you dare. I will introduce you to someone at my Halloween party. And Julie, what if I like?

Sounds like a threat. What if I fucked it up? You think? I, Nicole, you're good, what if I like? Sounds like a threat. What if I fucked it up? You think, I, Nicole, you're good. What if Heidi Klum rolled around the floor into a man and was like, do you want to talk to Nicole, man? And this man was like, yeah. And I go, okay. And then he's like, I want to love you forever.

And I go, this is good. Okay, bye-bye. What happens? It could have fucking happened. What a dream that would have been. no no that there's that absolutely not there there would have been people around her in i just don't like the idea of you in costume meeting someone else in costume and it just doesn't seem like it would be grounded in any i feel like this is what you should do reach out to to heidi Klum and say listen your worm costume was insane and hilarious I I still want you to introduce me to the love of my life let's figure something out in the future I I don't think the Halloween party would have

been the thing I just don't I don't think it's I don't I I think you need to exonerate just let yourself off the hook on this one okay i just i really can't stop thinking about how i may have fucked you gotta stop thinking about now this is what i'm thinking about heidi klum chooses to look like a worm what about the rest of us i know but that's like the nice thing a part is come and be like oh look at me wouldn't it be fun if i look look like a slug i like it i think it's a pretty person is like, I don't know, what's it like to be a worm or like be ugly? I completely agree.

I just am saying it must be nice. It must be nice. It must be. Because I saw her at the end of the evening. She like put lingerie on and she had her titties out. Did you see those photos? Oh, did she? Was she, she was a tittied worm?

Well, she was wearing some lingerie. I know this because I obviously follow Ice-T and Coco and they were there. Oh. And they took some pictures with Heidi later in the evening. And so she had like some of the worm like masks still on, but she was in like a teddy, like a see-through teddy. And you're like,

oh, that's what Heidi Klum's nipples are. Wow. You love to see it. It became worm to sexy worm. I love that. I think that's really fun to go from worm to sexy worm. I'm still waiting. I love that. You're still waiting to become the sexy worm. I love that. I think that's really fun to go from worm to sexy worm. I'm still waiting.

And I love that you're still waiting to become the sexy worm. Well, Julie, I hate to break it to you. I think you're there. Thank you. I think you're a very sexy worm. Oh. Real quick, we have to take another break. Real quick, we have to take another break.

Yeah, I mean, I wonder. You didn't do anything wrong. The future ahead of you has your partner in it, and you just haven't met the right person yet, but you will. And I would have done the same thing. I would have said, oh, that sounds fun, and then when it came down to it, like I can't turn this out yeah I just I was like I can't I don't want to be photographed and not look good and I guess I I don't know maybe I just feel like I missed an opportunity I promise you you did not I promise you they missed an opportunity

hanging out with Nicole Byer but you did not miss an opportunity all right I promise you. They missed an opportunity hanging out with Nicole Byer, but you did not miss an opportunity. All right. I promise. They'll be better. And if Heidi Klum is going to introduce you to your partner, she will not do it at the Halloween party. She will do it in another form. Okay.

At the Tim Gunn Christmas party. What about that? I would go to a Tim Gunn Christmas party. That would be fun. I love Tim Gunn. Make it work. Me too. I loved Project Runway,

specifically season two with Santino and Andre. Who won that season? I think Wendy, the villain of the season. I believe she won. Wait, did she win? Okay.

I think she did. Okay, winner. This is what people love. When you Google things on a podcast. Oh, people's favorite two things, Googling and podcasts. Oh, Chloe. Oh, wait, maybe it was first season that I love. Oh, okay.

So it was the very first season. And Jay McCarroll won? Who's that? I have never heard that name in my life. Me either. God bless. I'm so sorry, Jay,

if you listen to this and I'm saying I don't. Oh, I remember Jay. He was adorable. Is he going to address you? You should have him dress you next just to apologize. Maybe he was on the set of Mare of Easttown. Oh,

good. Let's see. he's doing well i think the most the the the most fashionable show on television he fit kate winslet wind windbreaker over her sweater just so he worked in the wardrobe department i love it you love to see it no if evan peters would wear that boot that might be a different kind of boot i haven't wait where's austin scarlet where is he this is fun this is just me googling project runway where are they now oh he's a successful wedding and gown designer you can't put the word successful you cannot put the word successful in your own bio Where are they now? Oh, he's a successful wedding and gown designer. You can't put the word successful.

You cannot put the word successful in your own bio. I'm sorry. You're just not allowed to. You don't think? No. But what if you're successful? That's for the audience to judge. That's for us to judge. I see.

I see. You can say prolific. You can say I've worked with various. You can say I've done everything from this to that. But you can't say I'm a successful businessman. I mean, I'm calling him a success because these gowns are gorgeous. Are they? This is gorgeous gowns.

Lovely gowns. I love gorgeous Austin Scarlett Austin Scarlett is such a good name oh my god he is everything oh he is absolutely fabulous these photos look like he's been caught this is every photo I've ever taken of my cat he looks like okay so these gowns are very traditional. You love this. They're really pretty. I love a traditional gown.

You do? I do. Oh, wow. Okay, so he's doing a lot of bridal too, huh? Mm-hmm. All the bridal, and I'm here for it. Yeah. Oh, I can get it at Saks Fifth Avenue.

Okay. here for it yeah oh i could get it at sax fifth avenue okay i've seen your apartment in apartment therapy yes seeing it over zoom is delightful here's the ceiling all the colors meet at the ceiling and then this is the little television corner it's not a big place because it's, you know, in Manhattan, but I try to make the most of what I got. You know, I think that's what everyone should do. I didn't realize when I lived in New York with roommates that it doesn't cost that much to make your space pretty and how you want it to look.

Right. Like I wish I knew about removable wallpaper in my early 20s. I mean, just because it's a rental doesn't mean you have to act like you're going to move out of your dorm at the end of the semester. Yes. There's this lady on Instagram. Oh, I cannot remember her name she's an adorable indian woman i believe um but she has an apartment much like yours where it's like painted and stuff

and then she was like people keep asking what i'm doing because i'm moving and it just shows her painting it back to white that's all you have to do or yeah exactly it's it's depressing but that's just yeah everything gets painted back to white. But I was like, if I was her landlord, I would have just been like, leave it. Yeah, I'll charge more. Somebody else will like it. Yeah, I'll charge more to be like, live in this fabulous apartment. Yeah, I have removable wallpaper in my, well, every wallpaper is removable, right? That's the nature of wallpaper.

Technically, yes. But when it's put on with paste you have to scrape it off oh yeah there's gonna be scraping just a nightmare but yeah the like peel and stick which is a nightmare to put up is a dream because you just did you put it up yourself did you put it up yourself i sure did in my little office I and I put it up myself I'm good and there are gaps there are bubbles there are bumps creases yeah it's like my skin everything it's like my it's like my cleavage skin right now well cleavage skin I'm mine doesn't do anything I don't really have titties. The divot right now is dire. I have a dire divot.

I would love to have a dire divot. I just have a flat, flat. Oh, no, no. I mean, like dire meaning like there's some like acne going on in between. That's fine. That means them titties are having a great time together. That's them high-fiving. Yes. Anytime there's something? That means them titties are having a great time together. You know? That's just them high-fiving. Yes.

Anytime there's something going on between your titties, it just means that they're having a great time together. You got a lot of titty. Right. You said something years and years and years ago that still makes me laugh. You call your boobs big naturals. Yes. Yes.

On an episode of Difficult People, and it made me laugh till this day. I don't know how long ago that was. Oh, yeah. They're not as big as I'm older. Like, my body is redistributing, which is like, you're like, okay. Don't remember when I signed off on that. But yeah, no, they're big natties. That's true.

That is true. Big nat. That is wild that your body is just constantly changing. How fucking annoying. I hate it. I don't. Like my butt is flatter. And because I'm a Jewish, I'm of the Jewish disposition,

like I already have a naturally wide, flat rear end. So like it looks like, you know, when you see hamburger buns or like potato rolls in the store and like there's four of them. That's like exactly what. And as that like and as I'm getting older, everything's just sort of like they're just sort of. It's like when you kind of lean on the rolls in the bakery. Someone's been leaning on the rolls. A little leaned on roll is the tushy.

Yeah. And then pressing up into the fupa and pressing and the fupa is becoming a little bit more plentiful. There is more bounty in the fupa, more cushion for the cushion. Julie, I didn't know this, but you were born in New York City, but you didn't grow up in the city. I grew up in Westchester. Where did you grow up? I grew up in Middletown, New Jersey. Okay. So you're all right. Yes. Okay. Good. Okay. Okay. Okay. City all the time. So wait, when did you end up moving? So how long did you live in the city before? Oh, okay. So I've been here for two, like 1996. Holy shit. Giuliani, Giuliani, 9-11. I mean, you name it. I was there. I saw, I all the restaurants. So you you truly have seen the city

change in a way that so I lived here for eight years and I've been away for about 10. And every time I come back, I'm like, what is this? Yeah. What is happening here now? Skellington? You're like, what's this? What's this? What's this? I get that reference because I just saw that movie last year. Oh God. For the very first time. Tim Burton does not like casting black people. He doesn't. No.

They don't go with his aesthetic. Which is, I get it. They're very pale people. And well, what's your majiggy? The Oogie Boogie Man is voiced by a black man. God, yes.

I remember that. That's bad. Oogie Boogie Man is like. That's bad. What is Oogie Boogie Man? What's he made out of? Bugs. It's bad.

Yeah, he's gross. That was like when people were like, hey, Woody Allen cast a black person and then he made Deconstructing Harry and he had like a black woman play a prostitute. And you're like, I don't know if that's exactly, or sex worker. It's like, it's not what we were asking for, but thank you so much. Oh my gosh.

No, no, I've been here the whole time, and it's weird. And COVID was weird. And my neighborhood is weird, and I moved to a different neighborhood, and this neighborhood is weird, and everything's to a different neighborhood. And this neighborhood is weird. And everything's just completely. But do you miss it?

Do you miss the East Coast? Do you miss snow and like New York One and 1010 Winds? I do miss New York One. And I've been here for like a week. And yesterday I caught myself just watching New York One. Oh, it's like oxygen. Turn it on first thing. And I will also tell you the other day was Halloween.

And my favorite thing to do on Halloween is to watch the New York one coverage of the Halloween parade. Yes, it is delightful. Absolutely. We're all they do is ask people, are you cold? And they're like, you know, a little cold, having fun, you know. Having fun. How long did it take to make your costume?

Oh, this year we worked on it for four months. Great. Is it cold in that costume or can you? It's the best. Well, they got to let the people know if it's chilly, but it's not chilly. It doesn't feel like fall here. It feels like spring. Also, there's a Shake Shack on every fucking corner. It is now a McDonald's. It used to be a special thing you'd go to madison square park why is shake shack i don't know ever was shake shack ever good like yes it was in madison square park it was like a thing where you go let's travel for some fast food right now it's fucking everywhere as fast food should be in a way i first of all i'm

sorry for your loss i also think shake shack was never that great but maybe i was just ordering the wrong thing i think it was just better than mcdonald's and then like a thing where people were like oh my god it's so good but their milkshakes are good. I do like them. Do they call them concretes? Are they like, I think that's what they used to call them, but maybe they still do. I don't know. I think McDonald's is its own kind.

Like, I don't even think of McDonald's as what they do as hamburgers. I think of it as McDonald's. Like, I feel like those, like the little, like just like a hamburger or a cheeseburger like that's dog food those are things you get for a dog when the dog went to the vet and did a really good job I mean I kind of agree although in the beginning I did like it but now they're fucking everywhere and I'm over it yeah but my favorite restaurant is still open so that makes me very

happy tell me what your favorite restaurant is. It's called Toast. You'll go and you'll be so underwhelmed. It's on 125th or it's between. So you take the train to 125th, the one. And then it's in between LaSalle and Tenement. I think that's Southern Street on Broadway. It's my favorite.

I used to live truly above it. And I'd go there every single day and sometimes I didn't have money and they'd be like Nicole, come back tomorrow. You'll pay us tomorrow. It was delightful and it's still open and it's still delicious. What do they serve? What kind of food do they have? Okay, so their website used to say

Truck Stop Gourmet. I feel like I've talked about this a lot on my podcast, but you know, whatever Julie. I don't want them to go under so i'm sending people to them no also food cocks what do people get too much of not those two things not those two things julie i'm did you say cocks yes i'm horny are you horny not not right now but i i'm familiar with i know the brand the brand is strong it is very very strong uh always wait tell me about this menu i know always how always always horny always hungry okay listen

always on a little what was that ifc like sometimes off or something oh slightly off i think that's what it was slightly off. I see slightly off. Yeah. But OK, my my order is cheese fries, a Caesar salad with chicken and bacon, light on the croutons, dressing on the side, extra cheese, extra dressing. And then they just added notches to the menu. I got to try the other day. They were so good. My friend got a BLT that was pretty tasty.

Have a bite. They used to have a smoked salmon sandwich that my old roommate would get all the time, but they don't have that anymore. I'm looking up this menu as your is it themed like when you say truck stop gourmet? Is it like highbrow lowbrow food? Is that the idea? No, I think that's just what somebody said one time and it ended up on their website, but it has since been removed. Oh, so retro diner space. Oh my God. I love a retro.

I'm such a sucker for a retro diner space. But it's not a retro diner space. Okay. What about the pasta? Because they do have Wednesday pasta night as I'm looking right now. Have you ever tried it? The pasta is fine. I feel like I've had the pasta one time.

I'm a creature of habit. Right. And I don't love change. What about the mac and cheese though? Because you can add ground beef to it and then we're talking about a hamburger helper situation, which I think is the best. I don't think there's anything better than ground beef and macaroni together. I think you would like it. I think you need to make a special trip. They have everything you want. And guess what? The service is so slow.

Oh, is it? So you know it's fresh. Even for you at this point, I feel like they'd hustle. They put a fire under their butts for you. You're a VIP customer. But it's okay. And I don't want to be treated any differently. Oh, yeah. Sure. That's why we do I don't want to be treated any differently. Oh, yeah.

Sure. That's why we do. That's why we're in this business. We don't want to be treated differently than anyone else. I don't, except when a place is crowded. I want to shop at Zara and Although I will say I went to this place called Employees Only, which is

I think the Lower East Side or maybe West Village. I don't remember. There's one in L.A. too. Okay. But I was meeting up with Echo Kellum, who's on the show I'm on, and the bouncer recognized Echo. So I walked up to the door and he was like, you don't have to wait. Come right in. I'll take you right to him.

And I was like, I love this. This is fun. This I'll love forever. Okay. Employees Only looks a little hip for me. Although they do have Katz's pastrami in Reuben croquette form on the menu. And like I said, I love a highbrow, lowbrow mixture. So they're taking Katz's pastrami and they're making it upscale, which I have to admit, I'm a sucker for.

And the pappardi looks really good. I haven't had any of their food. I've only had drinks from them, but it's a delightful place. I've been having lots of fun in the city. I went to a party where we had to give our names at the door and I was with Echo and I smoked like the teensiest bit of weed before. And the lady at the door was like, last name.

And Echo was like, Callum. And he was like, and then looked at me and was like, Byron. And I just went, yeah. And then she just smiled at me and let me in. And I was just like, I love life. You were high on weed. Just a little toot toot and a little lose my mind. What was the party like?

Was it fun? It was fun because then I ate some mushrooms and then I got very, very drunk. Yeah. But I had a delightful time. I forgot how much I missed partying. Was there dancing? There wasn't much dancing. What kind of a party was it?

Was it a sit down was it was was there food was it just chatting it was food it was food and chatting and it was it was just like fun i just haven't been to like parties in a while i've seen i've seen things on my my friggin social media feed where i see Halloween parties and I think, well, first of all, guess my invitation got lost in the mail. A. B. Looks like people are really raging out.

Like people that you'd never think would go out for Halloween or dress like Darth Maul or something. And they're just like doing the frigging, like they're doing the electric slide. I think people have had enough of being alone how do you do you like being alone um you've talked about how isolation is an important part of your creative process it is it's nice to have time to make things and putter around

and be like gross like not brush your hair and like you know look yourself in the around and be like gross, like not brush your hair and like, you know, look yourself in the mirror and be like, I think that's a very, very valuable part of every day. But it definitely like the needle's definitely gone the other direction lately. So I've got to get back to it. I definitely have more of a tendency to isolate. So I've got to be back to it. I definitely have more of a tendency to isolate. So I've got to be better about like, you know, making myself go out and like make and keep plans and be social because it's very challenging for me. But once I do it, I have a good time. But most of the time, my social like interactions come from, and I'm sure you relate to this it comes from work

when you're working you see people and so when you're not you're home like kind of being like all right you know what's the next what's the next thing so it's hard to motivate yourself to be like I'm gonna go out and have dinner with someone just to go out and have dinner with someone yeah I try really hard like if I get out of work early to be like i'm gonna text someone and see if they want to go to dinner because it's nice to interact with someone who's like not in the industry or like maybe someone i haven't seen in a really long time or whatever um it is hard to maintain friendships especially the older you get people get like families and shit oh you're like can't you just like leave your kid home and hang out with me thank you although they i did ask uh the

parents i know to send me photos of their children's halloween candy not the costumes the candy i wanted to know i wanted to see it and i saw it and i was like oh my god i remember that because they were divided into little piles. Like these are all the Skittles and these are, and I was like, I remember doing that. I don't think I ever, oh, you know what I did? I would separate the like chocolate from the fruiting. Yes, you did. Okay.

I did do that. I saw on Instagram, I don't know if this was real, but it made me laugh so hard. And this person was like, I handed out candy and full size potatoes. And I asked the kids, do you want candy or a potato? And they were like 27 times. The kids said that they wanted a potato. Of course they want a potato. It's the weirdest thing.

Even kids are not stupid enough to be like, I'm not passing up a good story. Right? Even kids who are, no one's dumber than kids. Even they know, like, well, this will be something to talk about at school tomorrow. Yeah, I got a potato for Halloween. That's hilarious. Then I was like, maybe I'll go trick-or-treating.

So I don't have to go grocery shopping. Maybe people hand out carrots and shit. Absolutely. Oh, because you think that that's the... You think you're going to get some potatoes. Maybe I'll get potatoes. Maybe I'll get some carrots. You know, maybe I can just make myself a stew.

And then you're like, wait a minute, I'm going to more locations than going to the grocery store. It's actually a lot more trouble. You're right. It is much easier just to go to the... I don't even go to the grocery store it's actually a lot more trouble you're right it is much easier just to go to the i don't even go to the grocery store anymore i definitely get stuff i do not go to the grocery store i absolutely get stuff instacarted i don't like the grocery store i feel like i have my whole old age to look forward to in terms of like picking out peaches or whatever the hell like but it's just I can't it I it's like too cold where the cold parts are cold and and I don't and I don't cook

so I'm not like looking for stuff I'm not like one thing of cilantro and and when I have done that in the past it's always a bummer because then I come home and I'm like, oh, God, now I have to wash it. I don't like any of it. I'm the opposite of the kind of like. I don't like it either. I'm not much of a cooker or baker or any of that shit. I love to eat it. Cooking for one.

Cooking for one is really fucking hard. Like, what the hell is the point? You know what's worse than cooking for one? Cleaning for one. after you cook for one, like rinsing out the pan. You're like, why did I bring it out of the drawer? This is all my fault. Absolutely agree. Listen, Julie, you've come to the end. Do you have any advice for me as a single woman other than someone will come into my life when they're meant to come into my life?

Do you have any advice? I know that's a passive remark, but it's meant to fortify you and say that you're doing everything exactly right because you are. And my advice is to keep being Nicole Byer as beautifully as you are. And my advice is to keep being Nicole Byer as beautifully as you are every day and just keep being yourself and wonderful

in every way and every day. Okay. And wear Austin by Austin. I don't know about these dresses again. I'm looking at them again. I think they're nice. I like them. Well, they're nice. I like them. Well, they're no Suriano.

That's for sure. Correct. But who is? Only one. But who is? He's one in a million. Exactly. Julie, do you have anything

that you want to promote? I want people to enjoy my podcast, Double Threat, which is with me and Tom Sharpling. Wherever you can get podcasts, you should get it. And I also started recently tie-dyeing clothing and scarves and bags. And I sell tie-dye stuff on my Instagram. So go to my Instagram and buy some tie-dye stuff and make your world more colorful and that's just my name julie klausner yeah i am having so much fun doing it i love doing it i dye stuff out of my kitchen instead of cooking um if i do ever decide to cook i'll probably

poison myself oh no because I have like the dyes and everything oh yeah fucking be careful bleach that kitchen before you cook in it I'm not gonna cook so I instead of cooking I make these beautiful beautiful colorful creations and

for fun and that's it that's all I've got and vote but by the time this comes out we'll probably voting will have been done yeah we'll probably already be living in hell so no don't say that we'll be living in the free in in the um beautiful future okay well if you like this episode of why won't you date me you You can like it. You can rate it. You can subscribe and give me five stars a review on Apple podcast. Um, if you want to say something nasty to me, no dick pics, Mars goes through it. I don't, I don't see them. You can message. Why

won't you date me? Podcast at gmail.com and I'll read it. This is a nasty little message. Okay. We could totally queef back and forth into each other like beautiful bisexual harmonicas. Love you. Alright. Cool. Thank you. That's it. Bye bye. That's it for

Why Won't You Date Me with me, Nicole Beyer. Why Won't You Date Me is produced and engineered by oh, the sweetest woman I know, Marissa Melnick. It is executive produced by other wonderful people, Adam Sachs, Joanna Solo-Taroff, and Jeff Ross. Thanks for listening. I love you.

Thank you so much. We'll be seeing you next Friday with a brand new episode. What a treat. What a dream! What a dream! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! This has been a Team Coco production.