Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Nicole's Opening Bumble Messages (w/ Fran Gillespie)

Episode Date: July 20, 2018

Fran Gillespie (SNL, Love, The Good Place) joins Nicole to discuss why it's harder for women to openly discuss sex than men. Nicole describes her Raya application process and shares her latest unsuccessful Bumble messages.You can play along and see Nicole's Tinder bio and photos on her Facebook page at: https://www.facebook.com/pg/NicoleByerComedyBe sure to rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Leave a dirty comment for a chance have it read on-air.Follow Nicole Byer:Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdatesTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerFacebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedy

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Oh baby! It's me, Nicole Byer. And this is another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? My guest today, you've seen her on The Good Place.

You've seen her on Comedy Bang Bang. She wrote for Wet Hot American Summer. She currently writes for SNL. What a resume! Fran Gillespie! Boo-boo-boo! Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo! What a good theme song for me oh my god

it changes every week oh my god I like that it's short and sweet you know what I mean sometimes those bumpers kind of last a while but just a do do do do yeah that's kind of what I deserve I'm liking that.

Nice, short, catchy. People will be loving it. Franny G, I didn't know you were on The Good Place. I looked on your IMDb because I knew your writing credits, and I was like, what are Franny G's acting credits? Did you have a scene with Ted Danson? It was a big group scene, and I think I maybe have three lines um but it was very fun it was uh

great Darcy our dear friend Darcy Carden um was there and it was freaking dope it was like an easy couple days with the whole cast although you know what I wonder if you have this feeling but you probably don't have this feeling anymore, but I feel more nervous for three lines than for 10,000. Oh, absolutely. 10,000. Like, especially if you have, like, five lines in a scene. If you fuck up one, you probably

nailed four of them. And then if you have one line in a scene, and you say it, and they're like, hey, can we just go back to that one line? And you're like, uh-huh. Oh, my God. Yeah, sure. There's, like, nothing more humiliating than having nothing to or like not a ton to do and then like not but i also think it's just one of those things where it's like you're like amping up and it's like okay the line before mine is this and then i'm gonna say my line here and then i'm done and it's so much more nerve-wr than like. It's so much pressure.

A long monologue or like a big scene. I feel like it really is just way more like, I sweat a lot more when that's going down. Yeah, because it's like, you're the only new person in this scene, especially like on The Good Place. So it's like, I'm new. I need to prove that I'm funny.

I have one line. Okay, it's coming up. And the poodle. Actually, Fran, it's dog. Okay. And the French bulldog. And you're like,

okay. Yeah, it's a real. You have seven words to prove that you're also. That you're funny and you deserve to be here. You're dead dancing. You got seven words to say.

Why not? I learned this is like a thing. It just makes more work for you. But I had an acting teacher who was like, memorize all of the other actors lines. Like memorize yours first, but memorize the entire scene. So as it's going on, it's in your bones and you know it. So when you respond, it's natural. You already know it.

So that's where the line fits. And I was like, oh, that's good. But then as I've started working, I'm like, nah, that's a lot of work. I memorized my line. But then that pressure happens and you're like, oh, no, I'm bad. I have to go home. Nobody likes me. It's so true.

Oh, no, I'm bad. I have to go home. Nobody likes me. It's so true. It's like you want to do enough work, but not too much work. Come on. The days are short. And so you're kind of like, okay, I'll memorize the two lines before me. But then when they start to come up, you're like, the fuck?

Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh. Yeah, acting is very hard and sometimes i'm like is this what i want it yeah i mean i think it's like what you want when you have it going on yes but when you're outside of it and it's like you go into an audition or whatever and they're like and did you read did you read the script so you know that you're oh uh you know your wedding planner who's actually a lucky love and you're like okay i read my sides and i guess i get that i always just say now oh i wasn't sent the whole script because it's a thing that happens but a lot of times i'm lying yes because sometimes like if it's if someone's like okay there's literally three lines in this script for you.

I'm not going to read the whole thing. I know. If it's like, the lines are like, they'll see you now, Mr. Thompson. And then they're like, and also for reference, here's the 200-page script. Yeah, and it's like, goodie. Yay. Because I have nothing else to do. Acting is super hard. You work on a very hard show we don't

have to go into super detail but snl what a what a like a like a mega fucking show to be on a hard show you know it i think that shows are different for um and hard in different ways for like a myriad of reasons. But I think people know the ways SNL is hard. And it's like so tangible to talk about how like the schedule is really demanding. And like you miss a few nights of sleep. I think that's like an easy thing for people to grasp to be like, that would be hard for me to not sleep a few nights of sleep. I think that's like an easy thing for people to grasp, to be like, that would be hard for me to not sleep a few nights. But I feel like there are other shows

that are also insanely hard in different ways, like, you know, long hours and like wanting to get the perfect line. I mean, for me now, I would think a difficulty would be like working on a show where it's like, and the thing we're writing now, we'll see in two years.

Like, that would be hard for me. Yeah. Like, to be like, okay, I'm staying here late. I acknowledge that I'm like, now, you know,

my life is working on this sitcom or whatever it is. I'm staying late late i'm missing out on time with my family i don't do anything besides work but it would be harder for me to be like dope i'm staying till 11 or midnight because this thing will be on the air in one year yeah that's i think people don't realize that about television like sometimes things are delayed so fucking long and you're like oh i shot that you know like a year ago or i shot like nailed

it we shot before it aired like a full year before it actually aired so like it felt so far away and then doing press for it i was like i don't fucking Yeah, that is how I feel about it. It was forever ago? Like shows that aren't SNL because SNL is like, I mean, and this is why I think what makes it hard is like it has to happen this week and it's happening now. But every week you start over and it's like whatever happened last week, good or bad, it doesn't matter anymore because it's a new week. And new things are going on and there's a new host and it doesn't matter what happened last week but i feel like i would also struggle with the thing that you're talking about which is like yeah i broke my fucking back uh-huh one year ago but like if someone's gonna ask me like you know what was the what was a goofy moment filming nailed it you're like i don't know no idea i don't know but i will say the instant gratification of having a live show every week is so nice yeah and it's the opposite of being on a dating app have you ever been on a dating app

no you are so lucky i haven't been on a dating app, but I'm, like, very interested and have many friends that it is, like, the make or break. Although, you know what? I've had friends that found love on MySpace. Really? I have had. I went to two MySpace weddings where it was like people met on MySpace. But then I also know like so many people that are like met a person they dated for an extended period of time on Raya. Ah, interesting.

I cannot get it going on Raya. Why? I do not know. I mean, I maintain that the app is racist. I have heard that. The only black women I have seen on it are beautiful black women. The only black men I see on it are beautiful black men with abs for days. And then all, like, white people, yes, some of them are beautiful, but some of them are, like, gross.

Like, I matched with this kind of gross-looking owner of this, like, store, and we talked for, like, a little bit, but then I was like, I don't want to go out with you. But luckily, he ghosted me, so that's fun. Well, don't you think people are using apps to manipulate the way they look in their profile pictures? Oh, absolutely. There's a lot, like, okay, I can clock a fat lady like nobody's business.

Like I know when you're a fat person trying to masquerade as a thinner person. All of your angles are up or whatever. And I feel like you have to be honest. You have to let somebody know exactly what you look like. I have, most of my pictures are flattering but like I show my whole body you know because I don't want anyone to go on a date with me and be like oh wow you're way bigger in person because I mean that doesn't feel great would you mean like you would never want to meet up with someone and then see like them be like oh this is what you look like and like clock a disappointment yes to be upset like to see someone disappointed in real time is really hard on your feelings and your heart

you know like your mother is just like oh come on and you're like i'm sorry i'm so sorry i mean my opinion is nobody should be able to uh like photoshop themselves And there has to be a way for the app to, especially Riot, there has to be a way for the app to not allow a Photoshop photo. I don't even know if you could do that other than just having it be a very long process of submitting your photos for someone to look at.

Oh, right. And then the process of getting on Raya is so, it took me two years to get on it. No. Two years. Don't you just need someone to recommend you? Yes and no. So you can submit, the first time I submitted,

it was like, who do you know who's on the app? And I said, John Millheiser. And they were like, not important enough. I should have just said like, Schumer. I don't know. I should have just lied and said. Take a guess. The most famous comedian. John Mayer john mayer yeah john mayer he's my best fucking friend i mean and then tinder is oh my god tinder is like just like a garbage pit of people tinder

is more about just a like immediate hookup because someone's near you yes i think tinder is now the like fuck buddy place right but what would be the like what's the um the girl reaching out bumble bumble is shitty bumble's not fun he's got bumble is girl reaching out to guy yes and so the power is in the woman being like i think you're cute yes okay and how does that work um sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't um i feel like men will swipe yes on everybody just and then they get to weed out who messages them but i've been giving people some really fun messages i'm gonna read some to you okay on what are we talking raya on bumble okay so on friday i sent to this man anthony okay oh wait yeah okay

what would you do if you woke up and there was a giraffe at your window he didn't respond oh oh Oh, oh. And then it's funny, right? Yeah, absolutely. I'm out of context. You these anyone you're talking like, I don't trust anyone, even people I know, even people I live with. even people I live with. So I would feel like so like first sign of weirdness. I got to take a step back. And even though that is funny, it would be like, okay, well, wait, what's happening here? Is this a psychopath? I never thought of it like that.

I was just trying to be silly. No, yes. Here's another conversation I had with someone. Okay. What would you do if a penguin walked into your room right now? He said, first thing, we'd try to discover where he came from, because no doubt it'd be cold, and that's a major plus at the moment. Also, I'd probably try to get him some fish.

What about you? I said, I would ask no questions. I'd keep it. I'd Google how to take care of it and raise it with my dogs, take him on walks, and teach him how to be a good boy which I thought was funny but then he didn't say anything funny back he was just like good plan what would you name I said Bert or Earl and then he said he would name his Chuck and then we that's it oh it ended at Chuck ended at Chuck oh my god I like about face at Chuck? I've just been sending people really silly first messages. That's good.

Here's another one. I sent this to Gary. Okay. Would you rather turn into a hot dog every night or turn into a hot air balloon every day for 15 minutes at 1145? He said balloon. He said balloon? Yeah, he said he wanted to turn into a balloon for 15 minutes.

And I said, that's logical because you could get eaten as a hot dog. And he just said, well, I'm not too fond of them. I was like, all right, Gary. Okay. So basically it's like people just can't hang. No. Here's another one. What's better, skipping or rolling down a hill?

He said falling down a hill with comedic flair trumps both for me i don't know everyone's bad and so how are you going to uh pivot these into like we should fuck i don't know i think i think my angle was because i was up real late the other night, and I was like, okay, Nicole, just make yourself seem really interesting, and someone will want to take you on a date. But none of these men want to take me on a date. I think it might be hard to pivot from the goofy banter to send me a picture of your dick.

Although, is that something people do on apps? I don't think you can send pictures on apps. Oh, wait, maybe you can. On Bumble, you can. Here's another one I sent. Would you rather eat tinfoil every day for the rest of your life or turn into a potato every night for an hour? I thought they were all really funny and didn't get the responses that I wanted. For being real honest.

Yeah. Now, if you were in the reverse and a guy was like messaging you and was like, would you rather be a bolt of lightning once or cereal that no one liked? Would you be like, yes, this is someone I'd like to fuck? Yeah, I'd be like, what a treat! This man is whimsical and silly. And I think I'd be a bolt of lightning once. Because I don't want to be cereal.

Yeah, it's soggy. Because I don't get to turn back. Or do I get to turn back into me? Yeah, I guess it's always turn back into you. Okay, I think a bolt of lightning. Yeah, but that only exists for seconds. Yeah, but that'd be fun to be like, oh, I'm lightning. It's more exciting than cereal.

You're right, you're right, you're right. Yeah, because then it's like, can I attack people I don't like? Now, I feel like people should be jumping on this opportunity because isn't the alternative just being like, hey, like your picture? Yes. Hey. Yes. I saw that you like your picture. Yes. Hey. Yes. I saw that you like to climb.

Me too. Been to Puerto Rico. I like that. I love traveling. Seems like you like to travel. Is that the alternative? Is that the like boring? And I get a lot of, do I see you on TV?

And someone commented, so I asked people to leave reviews or whatever, and I can't find it right now. But someone was like, seems mad that you have fans. And I'm like, I'm not mad that I have fans. I'm so grateful to have fans. I just don't need you to contact me on a dating app. I have so many ways for you to contact me in a non-love way. Like, I give out an email that I read.

It's baconcansave at gmail.com you can send me emails there and I read them you can dm me on instagram sometimes I read those you could tweet me on twitter I read those but like if I'm on tinder or bumble or whatever I'm not looking for someone who likes my work to say that and then never say anything else to me. Oh, that's confusing. It happens all the time. And then it just puts me in my head and I'm like, well, what did you want? And then I have to think too long about it. That's definitely like a mix of work and pleasure.

Yes. It's like, why are we talking about my work when it's like a full. All I'm trying to do is get my little clit licked. Yeah. And you don't want to be thinking about work and how you pay your bills. No. I mean, and it's nice and it's

flattering, but truly, yeah, if I'm trying to be like, hey, let's meet up and fuck. I don't want you to be like, but I also really want you to look at this cake disaster I made. I don't want you to be like, but I also really like, want you to look at this cake disaster I made. I don't want it unless it's a cake sandwich in your dick. I don't want it.

It's honestly all people ever want me to look at, which is very kind. Very kind that they like Nailed It as much as they do. But it is very funny. We were like, look at this one. Look at this one. And then people like me to look at nice ones. And I'm like, that's not the point of the show.

You're just showing off at this point. Yeah, I've seen you tweet that before when people are like, how do you think I did? And it's like, you know you're a good baker. You know this is perfect. you're a good baker. You know this is perfect. I'm actually a horrible cook and horrible, horrible baker because I'm lazy and won't measure and will kind of like half read directions. And then it gets to a point where like, I don't care enough. Okay. like a few Thanksgivings ago, I was in LA and we were doing like a Friendsgiving thing. And I was like, okay, I'll make brownies.

My mother made this like brownie recipe. It'll be easy for me. But I think I mixed up sugar and flour. Oh, no. And then they were white and like basically as hard as a rock. And then they were white and basically as hard as a rock. And I was like, you know, I made something. And I need to leave in 20 minutes to go to our friend's house. And I was with my boyfriend, Neil.

And he was like, you got to just throw that in the trash. And I was like, but I spent money and time. And he's like, we're not bringing that over. And I'm like, oh, maybe someone will like to try it. And it was like a full like, no, that's not happening. That's so funny. Because I feel like Neil's so sweet and nice. You just got to throw that in the trash.

And he's like, no, that's trash. He's like, that's trash food. That's trash food. The garbage is hungry for those brownies. But it's not the first time that's happened where I've like completely fucked something up. And it's been like, but I can bring this, right? And it's like, no, that's bad. People don't want to look at that.

That's funny. Even when I do things, like when I make something relatively well, and it will be like a buffet style thing at a friend's house, I absolutely will clock that at the end of the night no one has touched what I've made. relatively well and it will be like a buffet style thing at a friend's house i absolutely will clock that at the end of the night no one has touched what i've made but i think my like period in life where like some people became good cooks and like good bakers it was like i was busy i didn't i was doing shows i guess at a theater under a Gristini. Yeah, like I guess I just, and I don't have that bone in my body. I have lived by myself or with like a roommate most of my life. And cooking is expensive, time consuming. And there is nothing sadder than like living alone and making like a chicken and then eating the chicken for three days.

It's like I should meet. I want to do something social. But then again, I have that chicken in the fridge. I have that chicken I made three days ago. It's like not fun at all for me. I feel zero guilt. I don't feel a responsibility to be able to know how to cook or bake. I don't give a fuck

about knowing that. And also as someone that lives in New York, it's like I could get an amazing like truly endlessly amazing dinner for $10. Just like delicious things. Last night I baked, I had a hankering

for cookies. So I looked up a recipe that, I had a hankering for cookies. So I looked up a recipe that was like a serving for two people. So I made these cookies. And at the end, when they were in the oven, I was like, oh, I forgot to put salt in them. Yeah. And then John was also making cookies, my roommate. And his boyfriend was over. So then we had a baking competition.

And John clearly won. His cookies were were very good he followed all the directions but then his boyfriend was like nicole you win i like a chewy cookie and i was like he's being so nice but i really needed that wait a chewy cookie means that there's not salt in it no No, I just underbake them so then they're like a little chewy. But like the cookie was just sweet and there was no juxtaposition, like saltiness to it. That sucks. I don't know. It's fucking confusing.

Baking sucks. It really does. It makes a fucking mess. Yes, the cleanup. I'll get like a sleeve of cookie dough and then like pick at it for like a week and then it's just like a half of cookie dough and then I'm like, well like a week and then it's just like a half of cookie dough and then I'm like well this is garbage now it's like has freezer burn and I'm like well

I'm not making this now this is completely trash food do you still have a place in LA no I don't I have a I Neil has a house and I stay there when I'm here and I'm here like the summer yeah but mostly in New York and my apartment

in New York is on the lower east side and I don't know if you have been there in a minute

but it is a hellscape of finance people really yes it's like a hellscape of finance people. Really? Yes.

It's like a hellscape of like dudes coming out of like Credit Suisse and then going to like Stanton Social. Really? It's like completely taken over. Well, during the day it is a fucking no man's land.

It's like a leather store that sells a hat. And then like, well, I live above two separate like sneaker stores that will set up like a red rope and like 200 people will be in line like a couple days a month. be in line like a couple days a month but then the other days of the month I like peep inside and it's just like a dude looking at his laptop smoking weed and there's like a shirt on each wall and I'm like I have no idea front for something it's definitely not making money but then like so during the day the neighborhood is just like very weird specialty like hip stores. And then at night it is like the stinkiest, especially now because it's the summer. It is like a you can it is like seeing the air like the air is like green. Yeah, I know what you mean.

When they're in a dangerous neighborhood in teenage mutant ninja turtles and they like see like green smoke that is what the lower east side looks like in the summer and it's just like so many finance dudes there for like a you know internship or whatever and it is a gnarly but i do think that people go there to hook up i think the lower east side is like a place where people go to like meet people like your pianos but last time i was in new york i had a couple friends who were like we're gonna go to the lower east side we're gonna find man i was like really the lower east side okay but also i haven't been in new york in forever so like or like lived there in forever so i have no idea i didn't go to a specific location.

I would just go to a bar and find somebody. Like McManus, I could, which is one of my favorite little dives. I like spent my 20s in there. I could always find someone to hook up with. Yeah. McManus definitely had some like flies that were always like lingering around. And, but the Lurie side side is like definitely people are there to meet people but i knew it was a hellscape when i saw an abandoned city bike just like left in

front of my door and city bike is like a bike share program where it's like someone was just like i don't fucking care i don't care it was like in the middle of the sidewalk. And I was like, oh, there's like bad stuff that happens here. And also I like will hear a lot of domestic abuse. Oh, no. I'll hear a lot of like, shut the fuck up. Find your own way home. Oh, no. I'll like peep out my window.

But it is. Oh, my God, no. I'll, like, peep out my window. But it is. Oh, my God, Nicole. Okay. I was there on. I was at my apartment or coming home from SNL on St. Patrick's Day, which is the best day to be in New York. It's. Oh, I think that's the worst. But also funny.

People get so drunk. But it is. I completed that's the worst. But also funny. People get so drunk. But it is, I completed the trifecta. The walk from the train to my apartment is one and a half blocks. And in the one and a half blocks, I completed the trifecta. By the way, I live up the street from a place called Pizza Beach. Yeah, Pizza Beach! Yes, yes, yes. And what Pizza Beach has going on is a very Grecian feel to like guaranteed on a Saturday or Sunday, you will just see like someone crouching outside crying on a phone.

But like it's like a 2 p.m. and you're like, not enough has happened for you to be crying. I love Grecian Beach. I love it. Pizza Beach. Pizza Beach. I love it. What's it, Pizza Beach? Pizza Beach is definitely like, it is like the hub for like, and we're doing brunch this weekend. And it's just like, you clock.

A sea of nice white ladies who are like, okay, listen, brunch is on. We're gonna have like mimosas and like really go for it. Yes, but on St. Patrick's Day, it was the trifecta of a barfer a crier and a breakup which is it which is the new york three truly it is i during uh del close did you go to the del close marathon were you here i i was like it's the last one in new york oh if you don't know uh del close marathon is it's a 24 hour no 48 hour i don't know it's three day fucking improv marathon and it's insane and at 4 30 in the morning you know john gabrus will be

you know pouring beer on himself screaming yes uh and at the new theater there's this man just like fucking puking like power puking and it was 10 p.m. Wait, in the seats? No, no, outside the theater. Oh. And I was like, New York goes so much harder than any other city. It's 10 p.m. It's, you, you're like, you're done. You gotta go home. Yeah.

Ugh, I've never seen more people puke than in New York City. I gotta confess that I did do, I did a street puke two nights ago. Did you really here? Yes in Los Angeles. Yuck where were you? I was I have a toxic relationship with Max Karaoke in Little Tokyo and Nicole it's not the first time it's happened. I like put hard alcohol in water bottles because they don't sell

alcohol and you're not supposed to bring it in. And they have cracked down in a major way. They looked in my purse like dug to the bottom of my purse which I haven't seen before. And I guess they were like busted.

It's this great- It's like in a mall. Yes. One of my favorite things to do in life is karaoke. And in New York, it's so easy because I live across the street from a karaoke place and one of my best friends in New York lives up the street from a karaoke place.

And if we're like making a night of it, capital letters, we're like, and we end with karaoke we can get a room it's fun they always have good songs to choose from and in Los Angeles

it is like you need to plan it the fuck out you need to like book a room you need to put your credit card down

days earlier and it's so like and that's why I think I get so fucked up here because I'm always the person that plans it and I always feel the like pressure and it's so like and that's why I think I get so fucked up here because I'm always the person that plans it and I always feel the like pressure and it's always like okay how many people and it's like I hope for 10 people

at 9pm don't know how long we'll go like it's always so much pressure I have to put my credit card down and then you feel like responsible for people having a good time also the karaoke places here are in the middle of fucking nowhere uh-huh yeah this one's literally in a random mall it's in a mall like a dilapidated mall that looks like it's closing three places are closed and the other ones sell like uh buns like the other ones what it's also there's like a beard papa and then there's like a like store that sells barrettes with like too much doodads on them.

Like it's like in a mall where you're like, how is this? How is this still in business? How is this open? Yes. But many times. So how long did you spend there? I'll spend three, I'll book the room for like four hours but in classic la fashion no one really comes to like the second hour and so you have to make sure you're like at

least go with one other person so you're not like sitting there alone so that someone doesn't discover you alone in the karaoke room like hey, hey, guys, get there at 9. And then, like, the first person comes at 10.30, and you're, like, sitting in the karaoke room. Hi, yeah, it's just me. Also paying for it, by the way. And so I feel like I get, like, nervous about planning these karaoke things. And so I'll have, like, two water bottles of tequila and then like two water bottles of like Maker's Mark and Coke.

And then it's like, these are waters and Coke, you dumbass. How dare you question me? You're stupid. And then you stumble out and they're like, some Coke. Where did you power up? Like outside this mall?

So now this is not the first time this has happened where I'll drink a ton and then I will feel myself fading. When like I'll put a song in and I'm like, And then I'll like feel myself and I'm like, I'm done. Which is the like wherewithal I didn't have in my 20s that I got in my 30s. Which is, like, you want that. You want the revelation to be, like, I drink too much. But my revelation was, like, I know when to leave. Yes.

And that makes me fine. Yes. That's how I am. Because I'm like, sure, some days I drink too much. But I always make it home. And I always leave before I puke there. Exactly. Like, in my 20s it was like nights

would end with me like and you don't even really know me. And then like barf on my shirt and then like barfing at the bar, you know like popping blood vessels. But now I'm like well I have it under control because I leave before

that happens. But I will say the thing of like I'm tired, I'm gonna head out. because I leave before that happens. But I will say the thing of like, I'm tired. I'm going to head out, which is what I said on Friday. Left alone by myself. I was like, and thank you for coming. I'm tired. I had the room booked till 1. And at like midnight, it was like, okay, I'm actually tired.

So I'm going to head out. Bye. And then I threw up at the karaoke place and then got in a lift and went home and when I got out of the lift threw up on the sidewalk oh no but in LA it like doesn't matter if you live in a neighborhood because it's like no one sees me no one's out No one's on the street. I'm doing this into like a rose bush. And then it was like, okay, fine. Like no one's the wiser. But then I put on the shoes I was wearing yesterday. I went to do a show last night and I was like, okay, my lift's coming in one minute.

And I like slip on my white shoes and I see my brown barf on them. Gross, gross, gross, gross, gross. brown barf on them. Gross, gross, gross, gross, gross! And I was like, it was like just at the point where I had convinced myself I didn't have a problem. I'm okay.

I'm fine. I was like, oh, there's just vomit on my shoes. It's once in a while. And you know what? I work hard. I play hard. And that's my life philosophy.

I slip my shoes on, barf on them. I was like, well, I don't have time to change into a different pair of shoes. Did you wear barfy shoes to your show? Yeah. I love who you are.

But I didn't tell anyone until right now. But I definitely was on stage clocking it. Like, there's barf splatter. I mean, there's no denying what it is. Oh, I love who you are. What a treat. And I was just like, okay, I don't know. Like, I truly believe you work hard, you play hard.

And there is never, never a time where I'm like, I have something to do. But you know what I'd rather do? Chug Maker's Mark. Yeah, you're right. Like, if I have to work, I work. And if I'm drinking, I'll drink. Like, if I don't have anything going on the next day or I'm like I worked the entire week and this is my night out I'm gonna have a fucking night out then I have planes planes are a nice

place I don't like to get work done on planes just because like I don't feel creative but I drink I drink a lot on planes I can't drink on planes I love it I know people that love just learned that like I think the altitude makes me not feel it. Because I drank eight cups of vodka. Cups? Yeah. So I was drinking doubles. And then the flight attendants liked me, so they were bringing me cups, which I think are three of the little airplane bottles.

So I drank eight of those. Oh, fuck. And then I drank three cups of champagne. And then truly watched Forrest Gump three inches from the monitor. And then got on the lift, passed out. The lady was like, are you okay? Because I think I was just breathing not normally. Like just like.

And then I like got home, laid down, was like, woo, I guess I'm drunker than I thought. Woke up and was like, no, I guess I'm drunker than I thought. Woke up and was like, no, I gotta puke. And then threw up and was like, oh, that hasn't happened in a very long time. I also popped a blood vessel in my eye and it was just not great. Oh my God, when I said popped a blood vessel, I didn't even clock that that was something happening.

I hope you didn't think that I was like, thinking of a specific, looking at Nicole. You know what I mean? No, it went away, but. Oh, I can't tell at all. Thank you. Franny G, we got to take a break. Please. And we're back. What a fun little break that was. Oh, we got so much done. Oh, what a dream. So you're in a relationship currently. Yes. I feel like you are usually in a relationship.

Well, God, how do I answer that? I have been in a relationship for a while, yes. Mm-hmm. for a while, yes. And I feel, I like the camaraderie of being in one. I like, but I guess it's like, there's pluses and minuses to everything,

but I definitely feel like I have relationships based on friendships. Like, I'm like, this is a really good friend. And then, like, when it becomes a relationship, it's like, oh. Or, like, when it becomes not just a friend, it's like, this is a really good friend. And also, like, there's romantic. I feel embarrassed. I'm, like, talking like this is, like, a a g-rated show but I'll talk g-rated it just feels so for me it feels like I don't know I guess I feel like I am not candid about

um talking about sex personally. Sure. A lot of people are not candid about it. My sister gets embarrassed constantly talking to me. 90% of our phone calls are her going, Nicole, why? But I don't feel, that's like,

I don't care at all. I'm absolutely fine, happy. Like, I love discussing sex with other people and what they want to share. But I feel like for me, especially in like a podcast situation, I feel like I want

to be like, I'm Fran the person and I also think it's complicated with women. Whereas like, a man can go on a podcast and discuss like I love Howard Stern. Men go on and talk about like funny sex stories and like all their like conquests and like the one that got away or like and then she didn't fuck me. And it's funny. one that got away or like and then she didn't fuck me and it's funny and i think for sometimes when women talk about it it's like this is funny but it's also making me feel horny and think about

this person sexually interesting do you know what i mean like yes but it is like how people feel about strip clubs. Where like, men going to a strip club, it can feel funny. Like, ha ha, we're going to a strip club. We're also getting rock hard and fucking jerking off

to what we saw at the strip club, whether there or when they get home. And for girls, it's like, I'm going to a strip club because it's straight up funny. Like, I went to see the Magic Mike show in Las Vegas. How amazing was it? Amazing. It was also funny.

Amazing. But did I feel horny? I gotta say, no. It was hot dudes and it was incredible. But did I feel horny? No. That was hot dudes and it was incredible, but did I feel horny? No. That's interesting. I never thought of that because I've now been to four male reviews and not once afterwards was I like, ooh, gotta rub one out. Or like you're not going home and when you're like lying down in your bed, like I'm thinking about the guy that did the rain dance.

Like at least I'm like like this is good and I appreciate the skill and I'm not trying to pivot away from me talking about sex I guess I'm saying like men I think can come on and be like xyz this was a bad blow job pdq and people be like, yes, and that is still that man to me. And I think if women, like, if I was, like, detailing, like, a good blowjob, it would be like, okay, but now is that person sexy to me? And I guess I don't, like, I would rather just be, I don't think I'm running the risk of being sexy or making people horny, but I think I would rather just be like Franny G than like, did you hear Fran talk about how she got fucked in the back of the limousine? I think that's a really interesting point because I don't think men ever have to think about how they're being presented and how somebody would objectify them sexually or how someone may not hire them

because they're like, eh, they're a little slutty and they run their mouth a little too much. Right. It's a really interesting point you bring up and I personally have never thought about that because I guess that's what I decided that I was gonna talk about

because fat black women are not sexualized. We're used as a punchline to a joke in Hollywood and no one's ever like, you know who I fuck a jerk off to? You know, I don't know. I feel like Precious has been a punchline to a lot of jokes where it's like, well, she is a sexual person

and she's a sexual being and she's beautiful. And she probably gets hers by the way. She probably gets hers all the fucking time. jokes where it's like well she is a sexual person and she's a sexual being and she's beautiful and she probably gets hers she probably gets hers all the fucking time but like nobody thinks of us as sexual so like i don't think that's true i do i really really do i mean i think like i it the idea of like a beautiful, isn't that like a thing is BB? It's a very, very small niche market, I feel like. It's called BBW. Big Beautiful Women. And then there's like BBBBBW?

I don't know what, like big, big fucking, I don't know, there's like even bigger. Oh, Super Size. SBBW. I don't know what, like, big, big, fucking, I don't know. There's, like, even bigger. Oh, super-sized. S-BBW. Super, S-S-BBW. Super-sized, beautiful, I don't know. But I think, I mean, what do I know? But I think, like, a classically beautiful

person is, like, a big black woman and I think that that is what other people think too, but I don't. I don't think so! Because then why am I shingle? There's, like, so much, like, art dedicated to, like, big, beautiful black women, too. Yes. I don't know what I'm talking about. And now I'm like, you know, I think that there probably isn't a voice to what you're speaking to, which is like you own who you are.

You're you absolute. There is like nothing false about you. You also like I feel like really are forthcoming with who you are. And it's so incredibly uh inspirational to people franny g but i feel like people really really look up to you in that aspect and i feel like for me like i wish i were more open but at the same time it's like my personality I can't change who I am and the fact that I'm like tight-lipped about my personal life or you know sexual exploits or what have you is like it's just who I who I like it I wish I didn't feel the need to tell people all of my business all the time. So, like, as I get older, I've been learning to keep, like, some things private.

Like, I have some tattoos that mean something to me, and people lately have been asking me about them. And I'm like, those are very personal to me. So I think that'll be, like, the one thing I don't tell people about. Like, friends know, like, what they mean and whatnot. But I was like, I guess I need to start keeping some things close to my heart because if I don't, then like what is special?

You know what I mean? I also think you're, not to be disgusting, but like your brand is like I am who I am and you can ask me anything and I'll be honest with my response. But if there's things you don't want to share with people, it's literally. I just picked one arbitrary thing you anything else yeah exactly

but you have power in the fact that you can say or not say whatever you want and I also feel like has a working woman in this industry like I don't really like anyone knowing shit about me that could be like, well, I heard she XYZ BBQ. And it's like, sure, I don't want anybody knowing anything because I don't want people to have that power over me. It's because I'm secretive.ive you it's not a power over you if someone's like nicole i heard you gave a blow job to someone and it's like yes i did yes exactly and i'll tell you about every other one but for me my like i feel control over the information about me that is out there and so so if someone was like, whisper, whisper, like Fran gave like a dry hand job in seventh grade, I'd be like, no, I didn't.

I think that's powerful. I mean, to keep your private life private to each their own. Truly. I don't I also don't give a shit what other people do. You share, you overshare, you don't say anything at all. But I also love to hear gossip. So like if I mean, if I love some gossip, I'm like a boozy brunch with a group of girls You share, you overshare, you don't say anything at all. But I also love to hear gossip. So like, if I'm in, if I'm like, Love some gossip.

At like a boozy brunch with a group of girls and like no one's farting out like any type of gossip, I'm like, well, someone has to talk about it. Someone has to tell me something. Franny G, what do you think a good pickup line would be? Say I'm out at a bar and I'm trying to get this dude to fuck me. What is a good pickup line? Have you guys been talking at all? Or it's like a walk up? We've been talking. We ordered our drinks together, had a little banter, went to our separate friends. We got drinks at the same

time. What would you what would you say to like try to get that going? Maybe I'd be like, settle a bet. Are you gay? Settle a bet. Are you gay? And then he goes, no. And I'm like. Prove it. Yeah, exactly.

I mean, truly, now what I would honestly do is be like, sorry, I'm nervous. But I like wish it was like, dude, do you suck or don't you? Like, I feel like I would want it to be like an aggressive thing or like, you know, this would be like a made up thing. But like, my roommate's out would be like a made up thing. But like, my roommate's out of town. Don't let me get the, I don't want the apartment to go to waste. That type of like, even saying that though, I just got like sweaty in my armpits. Because I think I would like practice saying it twice.

And then when I went up and actually said it, it would be like, my roommate, have you ever, an apartment? It's like being in that scene where you have that one line. You it practice it practice it time comes you're like yeah exactly exactly i mean i probably would try and like clock something they were wearing and be like do you like if it was like a bet or if they were watching tv probably try and clock something or like see what they were drinking and be like, I don't know. I think in my younger years I would have been like a full like neg kind of girl,

which I think I was like a full like you're drinking beer. Yeah. Right. Shots for me. Like, like I think I would have been like, yeah, right. Because I have, my whole vibe is like, I'm your younger sister who thinks she's cool,

but never has fit in. Like, hey guys, what are we watching? Lame. Like Mario Kart. Yeah, that's so two years ago, but like doesn't know how to play and is bad. You've been doing comedy for a long time. Yeah. When did you decide that you wanted to do comedy?

Well, I think when was I able to say out loud I want to be a comedian? Maybe last year. But I moved to New York, had zero friends. I was 18 years old. I joined my college improv group, and everybody was so, had zero friends. I was 18 years old. I joined my college improv group and everybody was so, so into improv. And then I started doing UCB stuff and like met people I really got along with and then was there six nights a week. Starting, I mean, starting when I was really like 19. I was like really there almost every day and then made friends and was on teams.

And then but I was still in college. And I think it wasn't until like I was about to graduate. And it was like, OK, what am I doing after college? And it was like maybe pursuing a comedy career. But then like not truly going for it. Not like I'm all in. How can I like make this work for me? It was like I just kind of want to keep doing what I'm doing and hopefully that will work out.

Which it doesn't. You need to like do more every year. Self-motivating. And I feel like you one year just like decided that you were going to like do it. Yeah. And then things started really like happening for you. I think it was just kind of like, I was too scared to admit like,

why can't, I need to ask for favors. I need to reach out to people. I need to be proactive. And I think it was like many years of treading water where it was like, I love UCB and I love doing my shows and I love my friends. And it was like, but I hope one day like Steven Spielberg comes to Harold, Mike.

Yeah. I definitely was in that area for a few years. And then it like dude i ain't getting younger and then it was like it really was like asking people for help asking people for favors and the worst thing that they that can happen is you die well the worst thing that can happen is like someone says no or someone like talk shit behind your back yeah friend reach to me. I don't even know that bitch. And it's like, yeah, sure. People have said that. I don't care. But then it's like, whatever.

That's fine. I don't care. At least you fucking asked. I feel like people don't want to ask for help. And help is such a strong thing. Well, I think people are, it feels like embarrassing. Yeah. And you're very vulnerable to be like, I need help.

But I was truly sick of being poor and sick of being like, well, I have a full week because I have a couple shows and I'll hang out with friends. And then it was like years of that. And it was like, no, got to do more. Now it's just like every year I want to do more than I did the year before yeah and that's the general goal but it was like there was one year where it was like this is not like I can't be doing the same exact thing I did last year and also the year before and also the year before and so I reached out to people, asked for a lot of help, and then also, like, did embarrassing things like, you know, it's not embarrassing, but, like, things did I,

I did things I wouldn't have considered doing the year before. I mean, even putting together, like, a basketball team is, like, that was embarrassing. I was bad and was reaching out to people who were like, I don't really know you. And also, what are you talking about? Yeah, but it all paid off. I think that's cool to like try something new and do shit that you've never done before.

When I moved to New York and started doing improv, you were one of the first shows I saw you were with Law Firm. And I just remember being like, ooh, that lady's so funny she's so funny i like her she's very scrappy and there was like i started doing ucb and improv at a time where it was two women per team yes if there were three wow how crazy that was like the women's team yes so, I just like watched you and was like, huh? She plays in a way where if someone negates what she just said, she will restate it firmer to be like,

that's, oh, you didn't understand what was happening. You didn't hear what I said. And I loved that. I was like, ooh, this girl literally is not taking

shit from any of these dudes and I loved it well now I kind of have a new technique which I feel like embarrassed admitting but it has been like that I did do that for a very long time like I don't think you heard me because I'm initiating here better but now I have a thing where like if I get negated I truly will say you're right I'm stupid because like but I I feel like less scared and you're great at doing this by the way of like letting the audience in on the process like I feel like when I first was improvising, I was such a purist where it was like, and I'm in the scene now.

And now I'm like 200,000 improv shows later. It's like most of it's for the audience, but some of it is just for me. Some of it's for me. I'm going to say this thing. You're going to hate it. But now I have a thing where if I am fully negated, where it's like, you didn't tell me you were going to be here, mom. Or you're in the cage and you aren't able to speak.

And it's like, I'll just make direct eye contact with the person, not the character. I'll look the person in their eyes and be like you're right I'm stupid and I'll like even if I was like had a southern accent or a British accent before it's like I drop all pretenses and is like you're right I'm stupid or like if I get insulted on stage I am not scared to be like the audience didn't like that and you know people I love it people to be like, the audience didn't like that. And, you know, people will be like, what audience? It's just you and me here in study hall. I'm like, uh-huh.

The audience doesn't like when you talk to a girl that way. Just to let you know. And I don't care anymore. I love that. I love it so much. Because a lot of the times it's a man who's insulting you or calling you a bitch or like, oh, you'll see when you get home when I'm a duty. And it's like, oh, really? Okay.

The audience really felt that and didn't like it. Yes. And I like that and I admire that about you. It is just one of those things where it's like, I also think now, I mean, I'm so exhausted. I'm like tired all the time. But like, I mean, yeah, like literally tired and don't get enough hours of sleep but also just like what other abuse will i face on stage that will feel exciting and new to me yeah like throw it at me dude or or girl yeah right but like yeah sure like what am i doing now like i'm a slut i'm a bitch i'm, have now been endowed as like an ugly stripper. Like,

okay. Thank you. People will like that. I like it. I think it's, I think it's, I think it's a genius thing. And I think women need to see women be strong like that.

But I mean, I guess I'm saying I'm exhausted because my reaction is like I don't think I'm reinventing the wheel I'm literally just calling someone out I wish I was like a hair smarter and like a hair more like sharp that it was like my responses could be like and I just owned you in a way you never even saw coming but But like, I'm like too tired. It is. It's exhausting. Being a lady is very exhausting.

But also like, if I get insulted on stage, I don't want to insult you back. No, because you could make someone cry. Yeah. And also it's like, does the audience want to see me pwn you? No. No.

No. Does the audience want to see us have like,? No. No. No. Does the audience want to see us have like a like a dick measuring contest? Like that's not

propelling anywhere. That's just like not getting anybody further. No. And it doesn't feel nice to do it. No.

Stage etiquette's so interesting. Whenever people tell me about shit that happens in their like 101 classes like Mano agapian was telling me that like he did a diversity workshop and some white girl said the n-word and everyone on stage was like no no you can't no and i was drunk so i didn't get the full story but i got that little tidbit and i was like i mean the the gall the balls why would you ever that's fucking psycho but also why was a white person in a diversity women are considered diverse in this world what yeah oh at first i thought it maybe was because of

sexuality but no i think she was just a white lady, and sometimes white women are counted for diversity things, diversity points. Oh, my God. That's fucking wild. Yeah. That's the world we live in. I mean, I don't know what. I have taught two billion classes,

and I feel like any time anything was, like, like inching on like, first of all, nothing like that ever happened in a class I taught. But anytime anything was inching on like being mean to a woman, it was like, okay, but you know, like the audience isn't going to like if you do that, right? And it would just be like, but it does make you feel hot, especially as like a teacher. Like it makes me feel like, like truly physically, like I'm starting to sweat when I see that type of thing happening where I'm like, oh no, I need to like stop this and look a grown man in his eyes and be like, what are you doing? You can't talk to someone like that. Do you talk to your girlfriend like that? Your wife,

your mother, your sister? Is that how you speak to women that you love? But it's also funny because as a teacher, like you can't have a like nasty little vibe that ices the room. Ah, you know what I mean? It can't be like,

you know, have you ever been like out in a group of friends and It can't be like, you know, have you ever been like out in a group of friends and you want to be like, excuse me, shut the fuck up. And then like, like ice chill

rolls over the like table and then like no one knows how to restart the conversation. That happened to me recently. I was with a friend.

It was at her birthday party. Another friend came in very drunk, started screaming about a mutual friend that we have who wasn't there and I was like hey man you have to stop you have to stop talking about this woman who's not fucking here conversation starts again he goes in on her again and I was like hey what the fuck is this she can't defend herself because she's not here also like what are you talking about he was like oh i didn't know you were such good friends with i was like that's not the point you can't shit on a person in front of a group of people when they're not here to

defend themselves and then that person was like oh well uh white men can have feelings too and i was like what are you talking about nobody's talking about and i like went in on him because i was like i don't understand where you're coming from you sound stupid and you need to shut the fuck up and then i felt that like coldness like people didn't know what to say people are just like looking at their feet yep and he ended up throwing money down and was like i really valued our friendship. And I was like, cool. Talk to me when you're sober.

Talk to me when you're sober because this is some real bullshit. And then I like texted him and afterwards and it wasn't about anything. She was drunk and spewing bullshit. And yeah, getting the conversation going again after that was so difficult. But I mean, people be crazy. Have you ever intervened in a fight you've seen happening in the subway?

Oh, yeah. That is the same feeling where it's like, hey, stop yelling at her. I've definitely seen like domestic disputes that were abusive happening on the subway. And it's like, you know, you're like 10 p.m., 11 p.m. subway rides and it's like 20 other people in the car.

And it's like, dude, stop yelling at her. And then you like look around and people are just looking at their feet and not doing a fucking thing and then they yell back at you and then you're like

okay and it's just like I mean that is like I mean even better because or less difficult situation

because it's strangers on a subway car but I do feel that way sometimes with friends where it's like you can't talk like that you can't just say whatever the fuck is on your mind and then it like

ices the room and then it's like oh Fran relax and it's like I'm relaxed I won't relax this is just really making me angry and I'm just talking about it I saw a girl get punched in New York her boyfriend

was screaming at her and I was about to cross. Yeah. I saw a girl get punched in New York. Her boyfriend was screaming at her, and I was about to cross the street to be like, hey. But then he popped her real hard, and she went down, and then I started to cross the street. Oh, my God. Then her friend comes running out, and she was like, well, I mean, it is your fault. You shouldn't have said that to him.

And I was like, oh, my God. But it was also kind of funny, because I was like, what did she say to him? What could she have possibly said to this man that made her what made him hit her it was wild it was the wildest thing I'd ever seen it was on West Forth oh yeah West Forth that shit's gonna happen you're like papaya dog it was right across it was from it was right uh papaya dog was here they were here yeah that is uh that's definitely a wild little block I got in a fight on that block this year. Oh, there you go.

On West 4th. It was, oh my God, it was Daylight Savings Night. So it was spring ahead and there was an SNL and I was with, it was after the after party because the after party ended early because of Daylight Savings Time. And I was with Kyle Mooney, one of my best friends, and his girlfriend, Kate. And we were like, well, let's get another drink because it's Daylight Savings Time, whatever. And he was wearing a Chargers jacket, like a starter jacket, like a Chargers jacket from 15 years ago. You know, like a Chargers jacket from like 15 years ago, you know, like Count Moon style,

like, you know. So we like went to get a drink and we passed these two guys and they're like, Chargers suck. And it was like, we were all drunk.

And it was like, he turned around and was like, man, shut the fuck up. And they came at us. And it was like, you pussy ass wearing that, why you want to us. And it was like, you pussy ass wearing that.

Why you want to tell? And it was like two white guys who like came up, who were just like so fucking amped to fight us. We're like about to get physical over a fucking jacket because it was like for charges suck. And it was like,

hey, don't say charges suck. And they were like, we're gonna beat the shit out of you. We'll, Chargers suck. And it was like, hey, don't say Chargers suck. And they were like, we're going to beat the shit out of you. We'll show you Chargers suck. It was like so wild. And it was on that West 4th. And then this guy came up behind that we didn't know. And he said to the two guys, hey, man, you know who this is?

This is Kyle Mooney. He's the mayor of West 4th. Okay, we have to go. but answer me this real quick. Yes, please. Why won't you date me? If you were in a position to date me, would you? God, so many factors. I mean, I would be intimidated to date you, but I think that when, but I still would.

And then I think we would really compliment each other I think like you are so well my main thing about dating someone is fun and I think you're fun and I think we would have fun and I would probably feel like intimidated at first because you so know who you are and that can feel intimidating to people but then I think I would get over that hump and we would just like have a ton of fun every day I agree I think we would have a lot of fun together it would just be Nicole and Franny G just swinging through life drinking and puking i mean we died 10 years earlier than we should but we'd have we have a great two years okay thank you so much thank you for having me do you want to promote anything i want to promote you and I want to tell you like you're just truly such an inspiration. No, not me. But you're also just like an absolutely unique star in the sky.

Oh, Fran. And there's just nobody like you and goddamn, that must feel good. Thank you, Fran. Well, if you won't promote damn, that must feel good. Thank you, Fran. Well, if you won't promote yourself, I'll promote you. SNL will be back in the fall. Fran writes for it. It's funny and great. Do you post the sketches that you write ever?

No, never. But we did just get nominated for 21 Emmys. I will say that. Congratulations. Fran is Emmy nominated and came to do my podcast and it feels great. If you like

Why Won't You Date Me, please subscribe and if you feel compelled to leave a review, please leave something nasty. This man, Steve, S-T-E-H-V, Steve,

he said, I want to yell in your butt. I've heard of a motorboat. Let me give you a motor butt. That's good. So I appreciated that. Thank you, Fran. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. This has been a Team Coco production.