Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Nicole's Pussy Pic That Went Too Far (w/ Sasheer Zamata)

Episode Date: December 15, 2017

Nicole's dear friend Sasheer Zamata (SNL) joins her to rate her Tinder bio, perform a live-reading of her Tinder conversations and Nicole shares the time the pussy pic she sent to a guy was deemed "too far!!". Also they didn't hook up... JUST A LIL FYI FOR YA!You can play along and see Nicole's Tinder bio and photos on her Facebook page at:https://www.facebook.com/pg/NicoleByerComedyBe sure to rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Leave a dirty comment for a chance have it read on-air.Follow Nicole Byer:Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdatesTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerFacebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedy

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Hi, I'm Nicole Byer and this is Why Won't You Date Me? It's a podcast where I explore love, relationships, mostly online dating, and I try to figure out why nobody will date me. I have my very, very dear friend on right now.

I love her so much. I've known her for 62 years. And we've come through. We've done so much together. We walked through segregation together. We have just overcome so much. So she is a maiden! Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom!

Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew! Oh, boy. We've known each other for such a long time. 62 years. 62 years. It's been quite a journey with Black Don't Crack. Black Don't Crack. We look very good. We look very hip. Yes.

Yeah. You live in New York. I live in LA. So we're doing a G chat call to do the podcast. It was really hard for me to figure this out. You had to get plugins going. I had to open Safari, which I never use. Then I had to download a bunch of plugins. And then I had to tell my computer, it's okay, you can trust this foreign thing that I've never used before. I get why you're confused, because I've never done any of this stuff. But yes, computer, this is what I want do you do video calls often probably not right not really but I use Skype or I guess that's it or FaceTime that's about it I use FaceTime we FaceTime a lot uh yeah I don't use Skype I don't I think it's because I don't like the word Skype well you don't have to say it while you're using it. Excuse me, do you want to Skype

me? It just sounds too aggressive, too vulgar. I'm not here for it. What would be a better word for it? Talk time? Do you want to talk time now? I like talk time. Are you ready for talk time? Are you ready for talk time?

Two Ts. Talk time. I like talk time. Are you ready for talk time? You ready for talk time? Two Ts. Talk time. I like that. I think that's good. All right. So, Shere, you are a beautiful, strong, independent woman who don't need no man, but you got a man. I do. I do got a man, yes.

And how long have you been with this man? Three years. We just had our anniversary in August. Wow. I thought it was two years. I'm a bad friend. That's a long time. I know, right? Three years is such a long time. If you had decided to have a baby on your first outing, that baby would be three. I mean, yeah. I would never decide to have a baby on our first outing. Don't you like the way I phrased it? On your first outing.

We don't call them outings. You don't? You don't call them outings? When you get together, you go on an outing? You go on an outing to a restaurant? Hello. After our talk time, I realized we should go on an outing and maybe procreate and have a baby let's get some food and drink and go on an outing that is that's something i do say

food and drink you do say food and drink which is so weird did you get your food and drink oh man that's a silly thing we're laughing at and everyone's gonna be like what are they talking about i know i'll explain it listeners so she was telling me a story and she was like my friend asked if i had gotten my food and drink and for whatever reason that was so funny to me because i was like why not just say your food like why did you have to also say drink it was very formal and i didn't want you to think that i was only eating food and not hydrating at the same time. Oh, I know you're hydrating. You're always lugging around a big thing of water, talking about fluoride and how it's going to take over your mind. It will.

You have to filter your water because the government's trying to take your mind and your freedom by the things that we ingest. Yes, Lord. And we know that from segregation. And that's what we learned from segregation. That they're trying to take our brains with the fluoride. Oh, boy. Okay. So how did you meet this man that you're dating currently?

He's also a comedian. And I was doing shows in Atlanta and he asked to open for me. And we had a really great weekend. Wait and he asked to open for me. And we had a really great week. Wait, he asked to open for you? He did, yeah. I don't think I knew this. So how did he get your contact information to ask to open for you? He friended me on Facebook because he lived in Chicago for a while.

So he knows Mateo, who I lived with for a while and um other Chicago comics okay so you had like mutual friends in common and then he was like oh let me reach out to her this way we have people in common can I open for you yes exactly okay so we had seen each other at shows been around each other had conversations conversations but we hadn't like hung out just the two of us but um he was like i happened to be in atlanta anyway because he was doing a run of shows there and was like can i open for you while i'm there and i was like sure it'd be great to have a familiar face and yeah it just felt like one long date we like went to the aquarium and got brunch and it was really nice that is nice

he kept touring and i went back to to New York and we kept texting. And I was like, hurry up and come back to New York so we can hang out. And he was like, just come visit me on my tour. And I was like, all right. I got time and money. So I did. And I flew to New Orleans and spent the week with him. And then by the end of the week, we were in a relationship.

That's nice. That's whimsical. That's not how it happens for anybody else. It doesn't. No one's ever like, can I open for you? Nobody ever wants to open for me. Truly, what a nice, whimsical story that three years later is still strong and unbroken. Yeah.

Have you, because you've had relationships before. Yeah. Have you done, because there was a gap between this guy and the last guy. Did you ever do online dating?

I did OkCupid for a second. But I didn't actually date anybody. I never went on a physical date with someone from OkCupid. I signed up

and then like a couple people from UCB saw me on there and then mentioned it in person. And I was like, this feels like it's breaking some law. Like this can't be right. This should be some sort of like secrecy going on where you just like don't talk about it when you see me in person. And one guy in particular, I don't know who this this guy is but he like worked the ticket door or

something and uh messaged me on ok cupid was like haha isn't it crazy that i'm seeing you here and i was like sure i guess and then when he saw me in person he was like i can give you some tips on how to like date well on oh my god and i was like um no thank you that feels weird that is the worst nobody okay so dating is hard just in general and then for someone to say that they want to give you pointers it's so fucking rude it's rude and weird but then it felt like a game where he's like like you're trying to get a top score he's like like, I can't help you like score better. And I'm like, that's not the goal for me. But then also. I just logged off.

That's honestly smart. And I wish I could do the same, but nobody wants to open for me and no one wants to have a whimsical, fun romance that spans across three different states. So I stay on these dating sites and I was on OkCupid for a while. And I had literally, I have never met anyone from OkCupid. No, that's a lie. I've met one guy

from OkCupid. But I've never had a good experience on OkCupid. There was one guy, we were messaging back and forth. He had a good profile or whatever. And then he was like, do you want a dick pic? And this was years ago when I still accepted them. So I was like, sure, I'll take a dick pic. Because now I'm like in my 30s. I've seen, you've seen three, you've seen them all. So I don't need a picture of it.

Also, like, what's going to happen? I'm going to be like, oh, yeah, I got to get that in my mouth. No, it's not going to happen like that. So then I. It's not the most appealing thing that I want to see. No. Like, it's not like, show me your chest. Yes.

Or your face. Or your arms. Or like, I don't know. Like, you doing something fun is more interesting to me than like your hard dick. Dick pics don't make any sort of sense to me. So he sent me a dick pic and then he was like, your turn. So I was like, oh, he must want like a picture of my pussy so i went in my room put a vibrator in my vagina and then snapped a picture and then sent it to him and he went wow wow that's really vulgar and i was like vulgar

yeah he opened that door yes he sent me a picture of his dick but then like me i guess pleasuring myself was vulgar. I wasn't even pleasuring myself. It was just an aesthetic choice. Whoa, that's, wow. Yeah. So he wanted a picture from you. He didn't specify, did he say what he wanted a picture of, of your pussy?

No, he just said, now it's your turn. Which, I mean, your pussy is a safe assumption, I would assume. Yes, I guess maybe he wanted titties or something. I mean, also, I'm getting furious with how much people, just in our culture in general, hate women and vaginas. Like, just really hate looking at them, hate talking about them,

hate being around them. They just hate it. And it's like, but they give life and are a part of our bodies and we treat them as if they're a separate entity. So who knows? Even if you gave him a shot of your vagina without the vibrator,

maybe he would have been like, whoa, girl. Yeah, maybe. I guess it is interesting in our society, like breasts are sexualized and considered like things to ogle at. And then like a pussy is like, oh, wow, that's an X-rated movie now if you see a vagina. Yeah, I guess because it's like on the inside where breasts and penises are on the outside of the body? I guess maybe a vagina is more intimate than a penis. But to me, body parts are body parts. And I don't love my titties. I would rather show my

vagina on screen before my boobs, which is a wild thing to say. But I don't know. I like my little puss. It's cute. Yeah, you got a cute puss. Thank you. But you've never seen it i keep asking and i won't show you we have to be fully clothed at all times that's just our relationship okay it's not gonna change i don't want to see your titties i want to see your body you're always trying to you're always trying to get me to sneak peeks at your body and I don't want it. And you'll let other friends show you their tits. I've heard stories of other people sharing body parts with you and you won't even look at me. You're right. And I don't know why.

I think it's just because I decided on something and I'm going to stick to it. That's like how I refuse to talk to you the day before I see you. Yeah. We have to do a friendship famine in case we run out of things to talk about. But I don't know if that's ever going to happen. Can we look at my dating profile that I sent you? Yes. And if you're listening at home or wherever you listen to podcasts, you can play along too and let me know what you think is right or wrong on my Tinder and Bumble profiles. I have them posted on my Facebook fan page. It is Nicole Byer Comedy on Facebook.com.

Okay. Can you see that first picture? Uh-huh. I've seen this picture with a big dick. Do you think that's a good picture, a bad picture? Who's to say? It's a good picture, a bad picture. Who's to say? It's a good picture of you. I can see it scaring somebody because of that big old dildo.

But that's also your personality. You love dicks and you love talking about them. You love feeling them, whether someone says yes or no. Don't say that. Don't say whether people say yes or no. There'll be a BuzzFeed think piece written about how I'm touching dicks that don't want it. Alright. That was the old Nicole. The new Nicole.

Always ask for consent. Excuse me, may I please touch your dick? Pardon me, I noticed on our outing that you had a dick. And my little nubbins just want to grip it. Okay, I like the picture as well. I've gotten a little bit of And my little nubbins just want to grip it. Okay.

I like the picture as well. I've gotten a little bit of feedback saying that maybe I'm not putting the best foot forward. But I love dicks and I like sex. And it is. I think you're, yeah, you're letting people know what they're going to get into. Okay. Here is the second picture. Okay. The tree. Yes. I don't know if it reads that I'm humping the tree, but, uh, it looks like you're just posing

with the tree. Oh, okay. Um, I picked this picture because a, it shows my full body B. Um, there's a lot of glitter in it and I feel like my life is it's a glitter time yeah you're a glitter time I'm a glitter lady so that's a good picture yes okay here's the third picture ooh yeah yeah yeah yeah I like that picture because

I think it shows my face off my makeup is beat real well my titties look big and pop. Yeah. That's a good picture. Okay. Yes. Here's another picture. That big old ass. You know I got a fat ass and I want to show it off. Well, I figured I'd put that one there because I feel like fat women are dishonest in their online dating profiles probably fat men too probably but i feel like it's mostly women i feel like women do this thing where they hold the phone like a mile above their head tilt their heads up and then it gets rid of that second chin and it's like but you can't do that in person you gotta you carrying two chins you better showcase those two chins yeah like this one

this one only has one chin and i definitely have two chins but there's a picture of my dog so i was like maybe people will forgive that i took a very good picture with one chin but there's a dog to replace the second chin. Sure. Okay, and then my profile says, I got a fat ass, so if you're not into it, bye bye emoji. And then a lady being like, whatever emoji. I like people with a sense of humor because life's too fucking long not to laugh. DTF. Down to figure skate or fuck or farm or fly a kite, whichever is easier. Do you think that is a good, good bad or who's to say profile i think it's good okay definitely do you want to have fun and life is too short

and it's funny thank you would you what would you put as your profile if you had one oh man also say you and this man broke up i'm not wishing it on you because i think he's a very nice man who makes you happy uh would you get on a dating app i i would not want to but who knows i don't know i guess it depends on what happens afterwards. If I feel like, wow, I'm getting no bites in the real world, maybe I should get on this app. Or maybe I'll just be in the mood to date a lot and I would want to get on apps and meet strangers instead of meeting people I already know. You could probably also get on that dating app, Raya. Yeah. probably also get on that that dating app raya yeah although i've friends have showed me people on raya and it looks like a lot of models and like people that may not have interesting things to say

fair that may not be completely true but it just looks like a lot of like hot people it does look like a lot of hot people not necessarily interesting people yeah which is like also super interesting or not interesting but like the older i get the less looks matter to me and i'm more apt to like go out with a man that is kind of ugly because i'm like oh they might have something interesting to say because you can only look at a pretty person for so long before you're like oh god there's nothing there yeah because you want someone who's gonna like challenge you intellectually and also be just fun and interesting to be around you're ideally gonna be around this person for a while so if they're just like really good looking but like they suck to talk to. I guess it also depends on how good the sex is.

If they look really hot, and the sex is good, and maybe if they have money, then maybe to some people it's worth it. Don't say that! You know what? Forget it. I change everything I say. If he's hot, and he's got money, but he's boring as fuck, you know what? I'm sticking around.

I'm sure some people have that mentality i honestly think if a really hot boring man with a great dick who was like busy and like forgot about me sometimes i would probably date him because at this point i just want to be treated nicely with someone with money which sounds very uh what is that uh what's it shallow shallow that i want someone with money but like i don't know i want someone with their with their own shit yeah i think money does represent um someone who's self-sufficient and motivated but someone can be all those things without money too but if they don't show the the motivation part that could be very frustrating okay i also sent you

some tinder conversations okay so the first one was pretty short it's a he sent me a gif of sir mix-a-lots, I like big butts. So I said, ha ha ha ha ha. Then he said, patting myself on the back for getting you to laugh. I said, well, you should be proud. Twas very funny. Then I said, so Tony, what are you doing this weekend? And he said, hey, sorry, I was working,

and I'll actually be working more. So I have to share something interesting. I do comedy as well. More stand-up than improv. But you and I have actually been in a video together a man with his uh hands up emoji years ago of course but what a small work huh i think you meant world but then i was like did you just message me to to tell me that you worked with me years ago? Like, what? Yeah. How long?

Wait, how long was it between his first message and when he was like, sorry, I was working? So Wednesday, he sent me the little gif. And then Thursday, I messaged him back. And then Friday, I asked him what he was doing this weekend. And then today, at 3 a.m. on Sundayay he messaged me back to tell me that he was working yes huh i mean i guess he could be on a shoot at 3 a.m maybe but it is a peculiar time to be messaging someone one two why on earth would you message me and then start a conversation and then just say that you're working and you'll be working more yeah that sucks yeah so it sounds like he just he did just

want to be like we were on a thing together did you ask what thing it was no i don't care i just it was like it it truly it didn't make any sense because I thought he was being flirty when he was like, oh, just patting myself on the back, trying to get you to laugh. Winky, like smiley, winky face. Yeah. And then. Well, you don't want to date an actor anyway. No, I don't.

It's terrible. Okay. We got to take a break. This is a good conversation, but we are going to come back and we're gonna keep the party moving. Let's do a dramatic reading of this next one. So you'll be Simon and I'll be me. Okay. Okay. Hi, Nicole. Wavy hand. Simon. Hi. Hello. Just read your profile. You went to Harvard. You know, my friend, Alison. Yes, I do. But I never went to Harvard. That's a lie. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. How do you know Alison if you never went to Harvard?

That's the mystery. Also, I don't her. I guess I don't know her. That's a lie, too. I'm sorry. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Asterix, no. So he realized he didn't put the no in there. Uh-huh. I feel like I'm on Maury. I'm a

liar who didn't go to Harvard and can't even write complete sentences. Who doesn't even write complete sentences. Who doesn't even know Allison. This is going very well. Ha ha. Pretty sure I know you, though. Are you even a famous comedian? Because that's what his profile said.

Like, for real? Like we've met? Yeah, briefly. How? Where? Why? Where? How?

Why? Are you a comedian? Question mark, question mark, question mark. Nope, I'm a bus driver. Oh yeah, how long have you been doing that? Seems like a stressful gig. 26 years. I just had my 25th anniversary and the Los Angeles Department of Transit gave me a $47 bonus. I truly felt so blessed that day. Oh, wow. Since you were two, that's quite a lustrous career. I used to work in a deli before I got famous. Very rewarding. It's not that stressful.

People get on, pay, and then I drive them, and then they get off sometime. I say hello and goodbye. Other times I stare off into the distance and wonder about all, all the choices I've made in my life. And if it was a good choice to give up all my kids for adoption. Yeah. I gave all my kids away too. Well, yes. They were taken, they were technically taken away by the state same diff that's sad they missed out on all the free deli meats yeah and a dad who always smells like onions sometimes i wear a hat made of bologna and give it to my passengers as a snack yes i'm a comic i lied too oh damn that's too bad i wanted to see what bus line you were on so i could get a snack but yeah you're very funny you missed my set at the virgil when you did it

but rest assured i crushed okay blah blah blah talking about shows and such which is stupid. Okay, let's skip down to... Do you see ha ha ha happens, phones are dumb? Oh, yes. Okay, let's start there. Okay. Ha ha, it happens, these phones are dumb. Not too much other than packing for a trip to go to Chicago on Friday.

Maybe I'll see you around? If you ask me out, you will. If not, I guess I'll always remain a maybe. Side note, I love Chicago. Have fun there. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let's go out when I get back. Okay.

Get a drink and not talk about comedy. Talk about buses and delis. Sounds good to me. That was Tuesday, September 12th. That was a very long conversation. We were both pretty funny. And now it is what day is today? It's September 24th. It's been a full 12 days, almost two weeks since that beautiful, long interaction where a man lied to me and I still said, take me out on a date.

Now you, you read this conversation and thought it was beautiful. Was it not beautiful? I thought it was insane. I think it's the fact that he started lying to you for no reason. I was so confused. It was, I mean, very confusing when it happened. Cause it wasn't even, these aren't even like good lies it's just like i don't know allison like what like yours is at least like a funny story you were a bus driver for 26 years uh did you have you ever seen his comedy no i don't think i have uh the part we skipped uh

he said we were at the same show but then i had a friend in town at that show and he was like you were really funny and i was like great and he was like i went up shortly after you maybe you caught it and i was like nah man sorry i didn't and he was like oh that's cool so i i don't know if he's actually funny or not. Mm hmm. I I feel OK with this not panning out. I don't know. I know it sucks to not get a response, but I'm OK with this. Not with him not responding. OK, fair. Well, like as it was happening, I was like, well, what is what is real? What is not a bit? What is a straight answer? Because I do bits too too but not when i'm

trying to like go out with someone i've had so few normal interactions on tinder like people are not normal on the internet and i don't know how to i don't know how to meet people in person I don't teach improv which is a way a lot of improvisers find relationships they like date students or people they coach yes if they're a man females I don't think we do that very much I don't know of any females actually no I can think of one

well don't say her name don't add her on the podcast I won't it didn't last though oh okay i don't do things for fun anymore if that makes sense i mean yes you do well i guess like i mean yeah you're not gonna join like a i'm not gonna join like a recreational soccer team yeah like i'm not gonna join a recreational anything i don't have time um and then when i do have time off i like go to mexico with you or like go yep i like i vacation i do things i don't i don't know what the people do like and i feel like la it's so much harder to like have a meet cute like go to the fairfax

flea market and then like bump into someone who's like were you looking at this topaz ring so was i and we're like oh my god let's get married i feel like in new york you'll have shit like that happen where like a car will drive by and splash you with water you'll be standing next to a dude who'll be like that sucks and you're you're like, I know. I hate it here. I love you. I don't know how to meet people in real life. Even your relationship was not started in real life. It was started online. That was the first step to getting to you. That's true.

But I guess I had met him in person before. And he was a friend of a friend. So there were people to vouch for him. Fair. I'm just going out with all these strangers. I did a... I used to go on dates with strangers

in New York. Did you? Like, when I... I went with some college friends to some dance club, and then I was flailing wildly and my hand hit some guy in a face and and he was like I was like oh my god I'm so sorry and he was like I wanted to talk to you

anyway it was like one of those movie things oh yeah and then we were like dancing and grinding it was hot and then we exchanged numbers although he didn't have a phone he's like can you put your number in my friend's phone which should have been the first clue that something was wrong and then he asked to meet me in like Q Gardens Queens yes too far too far and I was in Brooklyn and then when I met him I was like sweaty and hot because I didn't realize how long it would take for me to get there. And then it was a chain restaurant. It was like some like normal-ass Chinese place. Did he take you to P.F. Chang's?

No, no, no, no, no. But it was still like there were multiple locations. There was definitely one in Midtown. And there was one in Brooklyn. And I was like, he could have either came to me or we could have met in the middle. But I was like, he maybe came all the way to Queens. Was he cute? But then he wasn't as cute as I remembered because it was dark.

Alcohol won't do that. Yeah. And I was like, I remember telling, like recapping the story with someone and being like, he would not get the hint. I like was so over the date, someone and being like he would not get the hint i like was so over the date this and that and then i was like going back to the city for a party with one of my college friends and he's like can i come and i was like i guess and i never said no i just said no i'm not interested but i he like i brought him to this party i kept trying to dodge him and lose him he walked he walked me to the train, tried to kiss me.

I like physically dodged him. But I just should have been like, I'm not interested by night. That's so funny that you went to Kew Gardens to meet an uggo who took you to a chain restaurant and then you invited him into your life. You said, please come. I want more of this. And you invited him into your life. You said, please come.

I want more of this. Oh, and then before that point, he took me to like one of his friend's house or like a cousin or something that was even farther away from the train. So I was like truly dependent on him. Oh, no. And like people were like smoking weed. I smoked their weed. I drank their drinks. And I was trying to like mentally escape this whole night. And there was like a speaker playing music. And one girl was like, I'm gonna drive people to the

train because there's no like easy way to get to the train from there. You have to drive. So she's like, I'm gonna drive people to the train. I was like, Oh, I'll come. And I stood up and my foot was wrapped around the cord that was attached to the speaker and the speaker came crashing down and the music stopped and everyone was like looking at me and i just ran to that girl's car and i was like bye and then the guy was like that is so funny oh there are so many times where i just should have been like no the whole thing is out of a movie you meet this man you follow him to his second location you trip over a speaker and knock it over oh i love it that's so funny but there's a there's this new york story of meeting

a regular person in the world and then going on a date. And then them being the worst. Yeah. I love it. But really I was the worst. I was really awful. I broke his friend's speaker. I tried to ignore him the whole time. He just wanted a nice date. That is funny from his perspective. Be like,

I don't know. I met this girl. She reached out. I had her come over. I took her out. I brought her to my friend's house. She broke the speaker and ran out. And then I like went with her to this party and she wouldn't talk to me at the party.

Why didn't she just say, don't come? Yep. That's, that's what happened. That's exactly what happened. I love it. Okay. The time has come in this podcast to reveal that I have not hooked up with you. If you've listened to other episodes, I've hooked up with some of the guests but this, Sashir, we have never

hooked up, we have slept in the same bed many times I've caught her trying to touch me keep trying but I won't give in let me in there no, no, no my legs are closed to you

I couldn't sleep with you it would be, you're like my sister No, no, no. My legs are closed to you. I couldn't sleep with you. It would be, you're like my sister. It would be like weird. I know. It would be very weird. You're closer to me than some, all of my family. So why won't you date me?

If you, okay. Say, okay. Let me phrase it differently since we haven't hooked up and you're my dear, dear, dear friend. If we were not friends and were acquaintances, why? Because I don't think you would date me if we were two people who could date. I don't think you would. Why wouldn't you? Or would you? Honestly?

Yes. I think I might try. Because. I just. I just got so excited, and I think I peaked the audio. Because we were so, like, producers, like, scrambled to turn it down. Oh, how exciting. You're the only person who's been like, oh, yeah, maybe I date you.

Everyone has been like, solid, no. And here's why i think you're emotionally stunted okay this is so exciting i think i think yeah i think i would try i don't know if it would go well but i think i would give it a solid try oh boy because you are very fun oh thank you but i i mean i don't know if you're gonna like this part oh boy because you are very fun oh thank you but i i mean i don't know if you're like this part oh boy okay i think especially like when we first met i have i have this instinct to like help people so like some of the other guys i've dated, I think it was more because it felt like I was taking care of them. Okay. Or like I didn't mentally go into the relationship thinking like, I'm going to take care of this person.

But that's what ended up happening anyway. So I think a part of me would be like, this girl needs my help. Let me date her and see if i can if i can straighten her out okay i buy that i do think sometimes i come across as someone like a wounded deer where you're like oh god this little this doe is a mess i now but when we first met for sure. Oh yeah. Cause when we first met, I think I was 21 or 22. I think we met in 2009. No, you think we met in 2008. We did in 2008. So we met, so we met, you're right. We met in 2008. I was 20. No, 2009. Yeah. So we met in 2008 I was 20 2009 yeah so we met in 2008 and that was right after my dad died uh so I think I was like just emotionally unavailable and I think the only reason why

we're friends is because you were so funny in the show we had done and I was like oh also she dresses cool also there are no other black women here at UCB and I was like I want to make her my friend so I like I don't know if you saw the effort I put in but like I would I don't even know how we became as close as we were because we became very close very quickly I know well I know we you asked me and another girl I was doing two prov with to do an improv show for your the show your group your improv group was hosting a show um and then my improv duo was supposed to perform she didn't the other half of the duo didn't show up to the show and then because we had performed in a jam before at some point in time you were like I feel comfortable performing with you let's do two prov and it was great and then after that we started booking more shows just the two of us

so I guess then but I still feel like it was like I feel like once we were in doppelganger we really like clicked yeah maybe it was like we we were doing so many shows together and that's the reason why we texted a lot but it just felt like it went from me being like i'm gonna make this girl my friend to us like hanging out all day and then getting on the phone at night and then talking more about the day we just spent together. And then texting each other before bedtime. We, if you're listening, which you are, Sashir and I also have matching tattoos that say goodnight world. And it stems from what we would say to each other at night over the phone

that I promptly forgot the minute we got tattooed to us. So we would go, goodnight, Sashir. And then you would say, no, girl. Wait, I'm doing it wrong now? Yes, you're doing it wrong. You go, goodnight, world.

Goodnight, Nicole. Goodnight, world came first? Wait, goodnight, Nicole. I can't remember. Now I can't remember either. Good, good. Goodnight, Nicole. Goodnight, world. Goodnight, world. goodnight Sashir goodnight Nicole

goodnight world that's definitely not right goodnight world goodnight Sashir goodnight Nicole maybe it was goodnight world and then goodnight blank goodnight world goodnight Sashir goodnight Nicole no no no you would say goodnight

world goodnight Sashir and then I would say good night good night world good night sashir and then i would say good night world good night you're right good night world good night sashir good night world good night nicole well obviously we haven't done in a long time no we haven't what a gross thing we used to do oh my gosh our whole relationship is pretty gross yes i like it though i like it too if we went and saw lady gaga for my birthday and can i say what we did before we went sure we drank mushroom tea and then midway through the performance took a molly pill and then i've like never loved someone so much I was like oh what a good friend standing next to me I'm so upset that Lady Gaga did not make this so we could all see this well but my friend is next to me and then I turn around you're like literally clutching your pearls

just like smiling and I was like what a dream this is that I have someone in my life who like loves me unconditionally is super okay with all of my flaws, and is just, like, there for me. It's really nice. That's what love is. And I love you. Maybe you're the only person in my life who actually loves me. Oh, no. That's not true.

Honestly, I think you might be. And maybe you're the only person in my life who I love. Oh, no. Oh, no. This can't be good. Oh, God. This podcast, honestly, is revealing so much about me that I've never thought of. So I just learned today there's only one person in

this world who loves me. And I only love one person in this world. And it's you. It's you. How do you feel about that? I mean, I, I can't, I don't know. Is this too much? Is this too much for you? I know I'm not the only person who loves you. That's not true. Oh, okay. But I may be the only person you love. I don't know.

I gotta think about it. As of right now, my life is for you. And I only wake up for you. I live for you. You are your sister. I do love love my sister it took a while for me to get to but i do love her i think she loves me um i think there's people who love me and i love them but i i'd really love john i do let's not do this let's not go through all right slowly go through the people in my life who i might love but i do love john well so share i think we've come to the end um we have uncovered things i'm so excited that you would date me to take care of me i mean you kind of took care of me oh i don't have to say this in a podcast i'll tell you one day um yeah it's a it's

a real personal thing that i was about to say and i am not gonna do it here anywho i did feel like there definitely were moments where i felt like your boyfriend like when there was i have a distinct memory in mcmanus where some man for some reason he was like super drunk and he's like nuzzling his face in your neck. And instead of telling him to leave you alone, you just tap me on the shoulder and you're like, help me. And I turned around and I fell into it. I just like beefed up.

Like, I was like, hey, get off her. It was very nice. I distinctly remember that oh goodness gracious yeah i guess under different circumstances i guess i date you too i think i'm looking for something in a partner that you have is your partner like me yeah interesting interesting Like me? Yeah. Interesting. Yeah, a little bit. Interesting. I don't know what conclusion I've come to other than very interesting. So now I guess when I go out with men, I'm going to be like, are you like Sashir?

And they're going to be like, what? Are you like my friend Sashir? Will you take care of me? You don't have to ask them that. Just look for qualities that you like my friend Sashir? Will you take care of me? You don't have to ask them that. Just look for qualities that you like. Okay. So on our first date, I shouldn't hold up a picture of you and say, are you like this woman? Yeah. On your first outing, don't bring a picture of me. All right. I'll remember to not do that on my first outing. Do you have anything that you want to plug? Yes. I have an hour special called Pizza Mind. And it's on CISO. And the

audio is on iTunes and Spotify. And I have if you're in New York, and you're listening, I have a monthly show called Sashirza made a party time at the bell house. And the dates change, but just check my Twitter and you'll see when it is. And what else? What else? What else? and you'll see when it is. And what else? What else? What else? I guess that's about it right now.

That's good stuff. All of it's good. Your special is very, very funny. I was at the taping of it and I was very proud of you and I loved it. All my social media is at the Sheer Truth. T-H-E, Sheer Truth.

If anyone wants to follow me. That's a good thing for you to plug because social media is the future. Also, so frustrating when I'm trying to tag her because her name is a sheer, but it starts with a T, The Sheer Truth. So I'm always like, where's my friend? And then I'm like, oh, yeah, it's a T. She's made my life harder. But that's just a personal tidbit from me. harder. But that's just a personal tidbit from me. So if you are listening to the podcast and you liked what you were listening to, please rate me five stars on iTunes. And along with your

rating, if you hit on me or say something nasty and salacious, I'll read it on the podcast. Here is an example. Someone on Instagram DM'd me and said, hey, big booty. Another person on Instagram wrote me, how are you? I am from Las Vegas. I love your big body. Oh, where's that other one? There was another one on Instagram. People be sliding in my Instagram DMs and be saying some wild things. Ooh, baby.

Wow. You don't get wild things on your Instagram? I don't. I don't, actually. People are pretty respectful. Well, must be lucky for you. Oh, here's another one. Hello, sweetie.

And then two days later, hello, sweetie. And then three days later, I'm trying to talk to you. So anything, anything in that, in that realm is good with me. Okay. Thank you so much for doing this. I love you and only you. I pledge my allegiance to you. Okay. Bye-bye. I love you. Good night world. Good night, Nicole. Good night world. Good night. Bye. I love you. Good night, world. Good night, Nicole. Good night, world. Good night, Cher. Bye. Bye. This has been a Team Coco production.