Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Nobody Wants to Date a Drag Queen (w/ Meatball)

Episode Date: July 11, 2025

Drag queen icon Meatball is back! She and Nicole get into it all - being in her top era, loving the single life, and having weekend boyfriends in different cities. But also... why dating is still so hard when you do drag. Meatball opens up about losing guys the second they find out she’s a queen, and how frustrating it is watching her roster shrink because of it. And of course, the wild date stories are endless - projectile vomiting in a car on a date, sucking 3 different dicks in one night (one the size of a beer can), a hookup who did stand-up after sex, and turning down a dude mid-date for turning on fart porn. It's a wild one. Tune in!You can buy Meatball's jarred farts at meatland.bigcartel.com (it is currently sold out)Watch this episode on our YouTube channel at https://www.youtube.com/@WhyWontYouDateMePodcastSupport this podcast and get discounts by checking out our sponsors:» Quince: Give your summer closet an upgrade—with Quince. Go to Quince.com/dateme for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns.» OneSkin: Get 15% off OneSkin with the code DATEME at oneskin.co #oneskinpod» SquareSpace: Head to squarespace.com/DATEME to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain using code DATEME.» Mint Mobile: This year, skip breaking a sweat AND breaking the bank. Get your summer savings and shop premium wireless plans at mintmobile.com/DATEME. View all of our sponsors and discounts codes at wwydm.notion.site/sponsors.Follow:Tour Dates: linktr.ee/nicolebyerwastakenYouTube: @WhyWontYouDateMePodcastTikTok: @whywontyoudatemepod Instagram: @nicolebyerX: @nicolebyerNicole's book, #VERYFAT #VERYBRAVE: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746This is a Headgum podcast. Follow Headgum on Twitter, Instagram, and Tiktok. Advertise on Why Won't You Date Me? via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Audio's great, but my friend Meatball is in drag. So if you want to see the full elegance, head on over to YouTube to see our beautiful faces and her beautiful beat. The episode link is in that description. This is a HeadGum Podcast. Agent Nate Russo returns in Oracle III, Murder at the Grandview, the latest installment of the gripping Audible original series. When a reunion at an abandoned island hotel turns deadly, Russo must untangle accident

from murder. But beware, something sinister lurks in the Grandview's shadows. Joshua Jackson delivers a bone-chilling performance in the supernatural thriller that will keep you on the edge of your seat. Don't let your fears take hold of you as you dive into this addictive series. Love thrillers with a paranormal twist? The entire Oracle trilogy is available on Audible. Listen now on Audible.

And I also sell a jarred fart, if you'd like to buy that as a gift for somebody. How much is it? It's a jar. I think they're $25 currently. I'm running a sale because I have a lot of like to buy that as a gift for somebody. It's a jar. How much is it? I think they're $25 currently. I'm running a sale, because I have a lot of farts. I gotta get out of my house.

And how do you jar a fart? You fart in it and then quickly close it up? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You kinda, you give it hell. You eat, okay, well here's what you do. You eat Indian food the night before. And I'm talking like a large amount of tikka masala. Do you want the naan?

You want anything that'll get you going. Garlic-y for me gets me tooty. And then I let it have, and then I screw it on real tight. And I slap a sticker with my face on it. And then I'm done. Have you ever smelt one like a couple days after to make sure it's stinky? Someone bought one a year ago and opened it up

and said, yes, very potent, thank you, and bought a new one. So I think they're jerking off to it. And bought a new one. Bought a second one. Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Ooh baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast where me, Nicole Byer, was trying to figure out why I was so single even though you could come in a thimble

and tell me that it is nail polish. My guest today is an iconic drag queen, comedian, and podcaster. You might know her from the Boulay Brothers, Dragula, her viral George Santos drag performance, or her podcast, Sloppy Seconds with Big Dipper. She's also the creator of a show called Bat Slut, which is why I wore my little piggies.

Oh, I love the little piggies. Little piggies, little piggies. And it happens every third Friday at Pre-Saint in Los Angeles, California. She's also a dear friend of mine, and I'm so happy she's back on the podcast. It's M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M's M-M-M-M-Meatball! We're back, baby!

She's in full drag. She walked in, I said, why did you do all that? Cause I own a little luggage company of hosts that I have out there. I said, might as well get two things done in one day. Just get in full drag, baby. I was gonna do it in the parking lot. The luggage is in my car.

I'll shoot it. No, I have a friend downtown. He has a studio. You're like, no, it's not gonna be that bootleg. But I would do that for you. I love away luggage. Never breaks. Love away luggage.

You can shove so much shit in them, that zipper will never pop. Never pop, is strong as hell. That's my favorite. I tell people, everyone buy it. I love, I have a purple one, and I would like for them to come out with another purple one so I could replace it one day. They just released a pink and green one,

and I was like. Watermelon for Juneteenth. Yes, that's coming up, which just happened. It just happened. It just happened, and boy oh boy, did we have fun beingenth. Yes, that's coming up, which just happened. It just happened. It just happened. And boy, oh boy, did we have fun being black. Yes, love being black.

It's one of my favorite activities. Being just a black, black, black, black, black. You once texted me, and I missed the text. You were like, I vomited all over my car after a date. And hours later I was like, oh my God, do you need anything? What happened? Okay, I knew this was gonna come up.

So I replayed the memory. So I was going on a date with a guy and I had a gig that night, or the night before. So I was like, you know. I was on till three o'clock in the morning. Yeah, you had a nice time. And our date was like a long date. It was like we meet at the museum at 9 a.m.

The museum? She loves culture. I love the lac... Well, there was an artist that he really wanted to see, but I wanted to go to the beach, and I was like, we could do two things in one day. And I was just super dehydrated from alcohol. Sure.

And so we go to the museum and we walk around and everything's fine. I'm having a lovely time. Only a couple times did you get that weird, nauseous feeling going on in my brain. And then we go to the beach and I just get like, I just got like sun poisoning or something. Like we were out in the water splashing around and I had two white claws in me.

Little ones, not the big boys. Just the little babies. No, no, we're just doing a little. And so we're driving back to my, I was driving to drop him off because then I had a gig that night. So it was like not that long of a day. I'm driving back and we're on the highway

and I'm like, oh, oh God. And my mouth started doing that thing right before you vomit where it starts watering. And I was like, oh God, no, I'm gonna be fine. And I like drink more water. And he was like, is everything okay? Do you wanna pull over? And I was like, no, I'm absolutely,

and before I could even say fine, I projectile vomit onto my windshield, like full blast, and it's just all that we ate that day, which was like museum food and cookies. And so there's just cookie crumbs everywhere, and it's everywhere, and I'm still going 70 down the highway. Oh my God!

So I'm still like driving. I've thrown up everywhere and he goes, ah! And it like got, like we had the air on full blast cause I was trying to cool down. So it like blew on him and he's wiping his leg. And then we just drive in silence for about five to 10 minutes. And he goes, you know, for a comedian,

that's the funniest thing I've ever seen you do. Mwahahaha! But I get home and my car reeks of vomit and you immediately go, do you want me to come help clean it up? I was like, no, I just needed to tell somebody. I'm so embarrassed. I was like, I'm so close, I can't help.

No. We're good friends, so I was like, I can do that for you. I had some guy come over and like detail it and he goes, you're gonna actually wanna bring this to the shop. Cause he was like, we have to like get in the air vents. Because when I say projectile, it was like, like the exorcist.

Did you go on another date after? Yes we did. But then no more after that one. Which is honestly wild. What, that he would go, I would go on another. No, wild that it ended after the next date. I'd be like, okay, the puke is, that's a one-time deal. This has been nice. Yeah, yeah, I don't know.

Sometimes things just don't work out. I know, I know. Dating fucking sucks. Especially in LA, especially as a drag queen, fuck it. How's it hard for you as a drag queen? No one wants to date a drag queen. Why? Cause we dress up like ladies.

And the guys here, when I'm like, No one wants to date a drag queen. No one wants to date a drag queen. Why? Cause we dress up like ladies, and the guys here, when I'm like, I top now, want like a masculine man. Oh, you top now? Oh, I be doing the top, I be doing the bending. Yeah, ah! Ha ha ha ha! In the words of Janet Jackson.

Do you be, you're doing the bending? So you're doing the bending. That scene is so funny. It makes no sense. No, it certainly doesn't'. So you're doing the bendin'. That scene is so funny. It makes no sense. No, it certainly doesn't. So you're gay. No, I just like having sex with men. And I'm on top.

So you do the bendin'. It's a perfect scene. You've watched every single Tyler Perry movie, I forget. Not every single one, because it is tough to keep up with. I just found out that there's a spinoff from the Oval called Ruthless, and I was like, I'll get to Ruthless. It's now in its fifth fucking season,

and it's like 20 episodes a piece. I'm like, I can't get into it, that's too much. No, it's too much TV. There's too much prestige television out there to watch. Too much, too much, and Tyler Perry, that is prestigious. That is prestigious to me. It's beautiful, and I love it. I haven't really been watching a lot of TV.

I've been working a lot. So I've just been sleeping and then working. But I love television. But have you been fucking? I do be doing the fucking. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Did you fuck in Florida the three times you went? This last time, yes, cause it was bear week. And I went to a bar that had a dark room. What's a dark room? It's a room at the back of the bar where that's dark and the lights are on. And you can do- You can suck dick. I sucked three, I sucked three dicks.

Three dicks! Three fucking cocks! So- One of the biggest dicks I've ever seen. Oh really? It was like a beer can, but then also- Like a Modelo? Modelo, yeah, I was like a tall boy. And I was like, what am I to do with that? But then I looked around and I was like a beer can, but then also- Like a Modelo? Modelo, yeah, I was like a tall boy.

And I was like, what am I to do with that? But then I looked around and I was like, I am the girl with the biggest mouth in the room. So I have to service this penis. Otherwise, who else will be there? That's so funny. How do you suck three dicks in one night? Is it like,

like is it in a round? Well, just a little. Only two of them were to complete shit. One of them I was like, I actually cannot keep doing this. I'm tired, the jaw hurts. Yeah, that was the last one. And then, so yeah, but you just, I don't know, I kind of found a corner, plopped down onto my knees

and was like. You know, I love gay culture. Gay people is wild. Gay people is wild. Y'all fuck any old place. Like, girl, you falling apart. What has happened? I love it.

This is very wicked coded. Yes, I was trying to be like Cynthia Uribe with my long nails. Yes, are you holding space for it? Yes. We'll never forget that. Who's the presto that lives in my mind forever? I love theater kids.

Theater kids are so funny. Why do they just cry at the drop of the hat? I don't know, I'm one of them. Sometimes I'd be crying. Oh, that's true. Sometimes I'll be like, oh, that's so beautiful. That's gorgeous. I went and saw a strange loop and I was like. Oh,, that's so beautiful. That's gorgeous. I went and saw Strange Loop and I was like.

Oh, well that's gonna make you cry. It was so good and I was like, I love theater. And also we had brought my friend's daughter and her date, or the guy she was seeing, and I was like, this isn't for the children. No. No, no, no. As this man is like, I won't call you a white master.

They like, they were. At that point, her date had fallen asleep. I was like, this is for the best. I don't think this child needs to be exposed to this. And there was warnings everywhere that was like, this is not for children. But we said, these children will see it. I love that.

I saw some, I just went and saw Cabaret and I saw some kids in the audience. And I was like, you don't understand what's happening. What good is sitting alone in your room? Theater kid behavior! I know. And I sat next to a crier and when it was over, I was sitting there, we were in the front row

and I was like, can you pull it together? I was like, I get it, Germany is ruined, stop. Stop. He literally, like, we had to sit, I was like, we're invited to the after party, like, get there early. I wanna get my step and repeat photo. And he was like, I just need a minute. At Cabaret?

Well, I mean, it doesn't. I guess it does go through the emotions. Abortion and the Nazis and all the garbage. Dead babies, Nazis, I get it all, the hits. So, have you been on any, are you wearing basketball shorts under there? Yeah. And I thought it was waist up.

You know how I do my podcast sloppy seconds. We sit behind the desk. Truly waist up. I fucking. You've seen me before. Sometimes I've seen you not in drag on with a wig on and sunglasses. And that's funny to me. That's very funny. a wig on and sunglasses and that's funny to me

That's very funny lipstick and sunglasses. It's very perfect. Yes cover that forehead Have you ever fucked anyone after fat slut? Yes, but I fully went and took a shower Like we but I was like, let me take my makeup off and then let's take a shower together so I can make sure that you're clean as well. And then we had sex. But no, I still have, the one time I had sex and drag was the baby diaper story.

Yes, wearing a diaper. Which you told. Just listen to the classic. Just go back. Just go back. Go back, listen. I'm not doing that again. Listen to the back-head lurg.

God, fuck, what was I gonna say? You took a shower. Oh, I recently took a shower with a man and it was in a hotel and it was like being at a mister, like, you know, in Palm Springs, they have the like, mister's there. There was no water pressure and I was like, this is not romantic.

Oh, don't do that. This is very bad. No, the water pressure's gotta be on. Yes. And then when you go down to start sucking his dick, as you do. As you do. You have to make sure

that you're not getting waterboarded while you're doing it. So you have to turn the head sideways. Yeah. Oh, I just turn it on to them. Like on their back. No, cause even if it's rolling down their body, it can like, you don't want to die. I'm not willing to die.

I'll die to suck a dick. You heard it here first. I'm in it to win die. I'll die to suck a dick. You heard it here first. I'm in it to win it. I'll die. I do love sucking dick. It is delightful. Oh yeah? You like it too.

Oh I love doing it. Why'd you say oh yeah like that? Well I didn't know, I didn't know. Like it was just unique to me. Yes, I love sucking dick. It's fun. It's lovely. It's a nice time.

And when there's so many different sizes and shapes of them, you can really experience them in new ways. Yes, different types of bananas. So there's this one guy that I've been hooking up with who's got like a really big one, but it like curves down like a gonzo nose. So I really gotta get under it. You really do.

You gotta get. That one's all about angle. Yeah. Who, who. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Yeah, you gotta get under it. And that's how you know it's love. That, ooh, love. You love this man? No, I don't love this man. This is how he finds out. He sits down, opens up YouTube. He's like, oh, look, there's a people.

He's one of the guys that doesn't know that I do drag. And this has been happening lately where they'll ask for my phone number. Oh. And I'll give it to them, and I didn't realize that I had that setting on my phone that gives them your full name and puts a picture of you. And if you Google my legal name, the first thing that comes up is my Wikipedia page. And so I was like, I have to turn that off.

Wait, what setting is that on your phone? When I give someone my number, like all of my information is being given to them? You can have that set so that it, like, automatically puts, like, your profile picture in your name. Oh, oh, I see. I like it. Now you're being sneaky. Yeah, now I'm sneaky about the car. Because I've lost too many good people on my roster

because of that. Because they were like, I don't want to fuck a drag queen. But if you're not in drag, why does it fucking matter? I think it's just the idea of, well, okay, so one guy I was recently hooking up with didn't know, gave him my phone number and everything. And then I talked about him on the podcast. And that was maybe the biggest mistake I've ever made.

I see. Because then we, then I like messaged him twice in a week, like not in one day. Not back to back. Yeah, but I was like throughout the week and I was like, he normally is one day. Not back to back. Yeah, but I was like throughout the week, and I was like, he normally is more responsive.

What's going on here? And then he just wrote back, I heard the podcast. Okay, did you say anything negative? Well, I did say that he set his standup routine to me after we had had sex and it wasn't good. But I didn't mean it was bad, I meant like the situation wasn't good, that he would do that to me while I was in bed.

I can't even imagine finishing and being like, you wanna hear a joke? Like still covered in cum. At least get a towel. At least wrap your towel, sir. My God, covered in cum and no ha-has? This sounds like a towel. Please drop your towel, sir. My God. Covered in cum and no ha-has? This sounds like a nightmare. My God. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha- because it was unhinged, fix your behavior. But that's the thing, I don't think to him it was weird behavior.

I think that to him it was like, and we're getting to know each other now. Do you remember one of the jokes? I can't even get into it. Okay. I understand. I fully understand. I did have a man once play the guitar for me

after we had sex. He was naked playing the guitar, and I was... Like... Did he sit? He was sitting on the side of the guitar. And I was- Like, did he sit? He was sitting on the side of the bed and I pulled up his desk chair and was like, oh wow, this is so good. I told you about this at the same time.

I went on a date with a guy and he, like I went to his house and I thought we were gonna hook up and he was like, actually, do you mind if I like, play my piano for you? And like sat me down on a sofa and then sat right in front of me and stared me in the eyes while he played music at me. And what did you do?

I went, oh wow, this is so good. It's the only thing you can do. Also that situation where it's like, how many times can you say like, oh cool. Mm-hmm. Oh cool. Before you're like. When you're in an Uber and the Uber driver's talking to you and you're like, uh huh, yeah, wow, great, yeah.

And it's like, sir, I am not, I'm not moving this conversation along. Why are you talking? Yeah, you're just listening to them talk. I had a drunk Uber driver the other night who then proceeded to talk to me about his daughter. And then he goes, oh, she's calling. Hold on, I'll put her on speaker.

And I was like, why am I now a part of the family? What are we doing? I don't want this. This is your second adoption. And then, wait a second, my post sale. Yeah. He then was like, we're gonna drive to San Francisco tonight. And I go, that's a six hour drive.

Started to go, it's not at 3 a.m. I was like, okay. Did you go to San Francisco? No, he, no, no, no, no, no, no. He dropped me off at home and I was like, I gotta pick up my daughter. And I wanted to be like, you are so drunk, sir. Like you should not be on the road.

I've also been in Ubers where they're clearly drunk. This man was driving a Tesla and you know how you can like see the lanes on the Tesla? I just saw the car bouncing as we were bouncing along and it was just like chugging this like big gulp cup that I think was filled with something. Oh yeah, it had a margarita in it.

I was like, this is wild sir, you can't be doing this. Wait, tell me who else you fucked. Hey, okay. So yesterday it was what I like to call my bodybuilder boyfriend. Okay. And he's the one with the gonzo penis. But he's also a bodybuilder.

Oh my God. So he's very large. So I feel so dainty. That's a dream. I know. As a big bitch to feel dainty. I know, and he's pretty much down for anything. Like I've run into him at, like, nightclub events and he's like, let's go to the bathroom. And I'm like, whoa, right now?

You're cleaned out and ready to go? You douched before you came to the club? Are you crazy? Okay, let's go! You douched before hitting up the club? Well, you know, as the Girl Scouts say be prepared I don't know. Let's boys maybe that's scar from the line And I'm like the little hyena just laughing behind

I'm whoopie go for it. I love that I'm Whoopi Goldberg. I love that. What a funny visual. So that guy has been the most regular. How many are in your rotation right now? Four. Oh, that's nice. But the weird thing is three of them are in Pasadena

and sometimes that's a long drive. It is a long drive. So it's very much like when they let me know that they want me to come over or I'm horny, it's just like, that's a planning process? It's 15 minutes. Not at like four or five o'clock, it's like 20 to 30 minutes.

Oh yeah, you're right. Oh, oh, you're doing rush hour fucking? That's when I think they get off work or something. You gotta wait till a little later. Then I get sleepy. No, I get it, we be getting old. I'm old as fuck now. It's wild. I, I get it. We be getting old. I'm old as fuck now. It's wild.

I'm 92 years old. I'm in bed by like 11.30 midnight most nights. Oh, absolutely. I was in bed at 10.30 last night and I was like, what is wrong with me? I think I went to bed at, I think I was in bed at 11 and I like went to sleep at midnight

and I was like, this is good Nicole, you're gonna go to sleep early, but then my phone. The Instagrams. Instagram reels. then my phone. The Instagrams. Instagram Reels. I love scrolling. The TikToks. I don't go on TikTok. Oh. It doesn't give me the dopamine I want.

Just because- You have a very good curated Instagram Reel. Thank you. My TikTok is better curated. My Instagram has gone like- Most people's TikToks are better. Christian- Oh, Christian. Leaning lately, and I don't know how to get out of it.

You keep clicking on it. I'm not, no, I'm swiping. I'm scrolling. I'm sw Christian leaning lately, and I don't know how to get out of it. You keep clicking on it. I'm not, no, I'm swiping. I'm scrolling. I'm swiping up. What are the Christians telling you? It's just like, come to church, we're all hanging out. We're all hanging out. Or it's like, there's some sort of Christian game show

where they like say like Proverbs 21, whatever. And then the kids like, and then says the verse. So like that, I'm getting stuck on that. Wow. And maybe I'm more just like shocked that people remember the Bible. I mean, I remember nothing from the Bible and I grew up in the church.

I guess same, yeah. I don't really remember much. Did you go to church? We did. But I would always like not go to the sermon. Oh. I would just, I got out of doing that by saying like, oh, let me help with the Sunday school kids.

So I was like an assistant teacher. That's nice. I had to sit in the fucking sermon and it would go on and on and on and on. I'd be like, I don't know what the fuck you're saying. What is this? God is good? Yeah, okay, I get it.

Okay, great. Give me that bread and wine. Yeah, we used like matzah. They would crush up matzah and we would get grape juice. Crush it up. Yeah, so you're not giving slices of matzah. They would crush up matzah and we would get grape juice. Crush it up. Yeah, so you're not giving slices of matzah to people. Or not matzah. What's the little bread?

What's the, what's the? Crackers. But it's Jewish crackers. Matzah. Is it matzah? Yeah. And then you make the balls out of that, yeah. I think it's matzah.

Someone help us. Does anyone know what the flat Jewish crackers are? Does anyone know what a flat Jewish bread is? I'm like. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Google's telling me matzo as well. Yeah, I think it's well, I think you're right. Okay, so it's matzo. Yeah, they would like crush it up,

so you get a little matzo. And then you get a little thimble of grape juice, and that was the blood in the body. I hated that. I would always, well, we didn't get matzo. We had like a bread loaf that they would break and make a whole thing out of. Oh.

And then each one of us, he would tear a piece off and hand it, and I was like, God, I hope he washed his hands. Yeah, that's so gross. And then we would dip it in the wine. Ew! So we didn't get little cups, we had to dip it in the wine

and then put that in our mouths. And then I would always run to the bathroom to spit it out. See, I think black people are like, we're not gonna be sharing. We're gonna be having the little thimbles of juice and then you get your little slice of matzah and I would always look for the biggest one because my fat ass was hungry.

I need a snack. It was early. It was early and then it would go on so long. Yeah. Oh my God. Oh God, I hate church. Me too. On that note, we gotta take a break.

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You know Wicked? Back. And then the new one is like back. She said I'm gonna make it hard. Ha ha ha ha. Have you seen Wicked? Are you joking? I've seen it thrice.

The movie? Yeah, and I watched it on the plane. Have you seen the show? Yeah, I've seen the musical like three times as well. That's so wild. I've only it thrice. The movie? Yeah, and I watched it on the plane. Have you seen the show? Yeah, I've seen the musical like three times as well. That's so wild. I've only seen the musical once and I have not seen the movie, but I'll go see part two when that comes out.

When did you see the musical? I saw it with the original cast, with Regina Menzel and Christian Chenoweth. Oh wow, New York. So years ago in New York City, ever heard of it? Yes. Okay. Back when you were making that video where it was like,

I had a wonderful time with the show. It was my favorite show I've ever seen. I can't believe you're bringing that up. Sorry. Have you seen it? Have you seen it? Oh my God, isn't that amazing? Yes, I love this show.

Well, if you would like to know the reference, I am in a documentary called The Road to Show Business, I think making it on Broadway, where I'm talking about Taboo, the Boy George musical nobody liked except for me. Oh, I thought you didn't even see it. I thought you just saw a camera and needed to say something. No, it was closing night. I was there closing night.

I had seen the show at least five and a half times, and I say half because we would sneak into the second act from Intermission. I loved it. And it's really like three tears to my eyes and it's closing. It really is. A lot of work went into this show and they really got screwed over, and it's not fair. I loved it. It was good.

The book was messy, but the music was so beautiful. Anywho. I have an embarrassing internet video too. Do you? Yeah. It was in New York City, and me and my friend saw that this woman was doing a breast milk art show,

and she was giving out cheese that was made of breast milk. And so we went and ate the cheese. And what was also embarrassing was that I turned to her and I was like, do you have also embarrassing was that I turned to her and I was like, do you have a plate? Cause I want to grab a couple. She goes, just one. But the embarrassing thing is afterwards,

I was like, cause that wasn't on camera. That just happened to me and I needed people to know. But she, they go, they were interviewing us. And I was like, it was the best cheese I've ever had. It was like, I was the best cheese I've ever had. It was like, mozzarella, don't get, and I just, I look like an idiot. And my friend is next to me, and we're drunk, because we had gone to brunch first,

and then shown up to that blackout drunk. The cheese is actually made from human breast milk, and a lot of people are here to check it out. Let's go inside and see what it tastes like. My friend Keith, he knows how much I love cheese. And he posted this on my wall. It's like a joke. My mom said that eating milk from another mother

would be disgusting, so I thought that I should do it. Boy, oh boy. Yeah. Just a lady's. I'll find that clip. Someone found it a while ago and sent it to me. I would like to see it. I'll send it to you when I get home.

Just you eating a lady's breast milk cheese being like, it's the best cheese I've ever had. That is honestly iconic and disgusting. Yeah. What would possess someone to make cheese out of their breast milk? You know, I can't even remember the whole point of it. We just heard like breast milk cheese and we're like,

give me that cheese. Where in? We have something to do after brunch now. God, that's so fucking funny. What made you decide to do Fat Slut? If you don't know what it is, it's an eating competition and drag show, or a sexy eating competition. Sexy eating competition.

Where I once saw a man stick a clear gelatin with shrimps in it, because you make awful concoctions, and I saw him put it right up in his butt. Right up in his booty hole. It was really upsetting. Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. And that happens a lot. Actually, recently someone put a hot dog in his butt. Right up in his booty hole. It was really upsetting. Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. And that happens a lot.

Actually, recently, someone put a hot dog up their butt. And then after. And they shit it out. The hot dog came out and then a little bit of poop. He didn't douche before going to the club. No, he said he did. Cause I asked the audience, I was like, I'll give $20 to someone to put a hot dog up their butt.

Which I think is prostitution. $20 is so low. I know. Times are tough. We're in a recession. We're in a recession. $20 for a hot dog butt? He gets up on stage,

there's an angle of the video too from the audience where you can hear his friends after he shits. His friends all go, we told you not to! No! And my favorite part about that is you texted me, wanna see something funny? I send it out to so many people.

There's multiple angles too, which I love. I need to like put it all together. I responded with, oh my God. And you said, did you see the shit? And I was like, yes, that's what I'm referencing. Oh my God for. This is why gay people don't deserve rights. Take them away.

Take my rights away. But truly, that's wild. We were just coming out of the pandemic when I started the event and the bar needed a one-time Thanksgiving Day weekend event. And I was like, oh, well, I have this idea of, I wanna do a drag show, but I want it to be elevated, but it's not anymore, it's just a drag show.

And then- It's elevated, someone's shit on the stage. Well, then I was like, and at the end, everyone will eat Thanksgiving food, and whoever does it sexiest will have to eat like a pumpkin pie in the sexiest way possible. But then I thought about it, and I was like, what's a way to make the food presentable

that is like the audience has a visceral reaction to it? So I encased everything in clear jelly, which is called an aspic. And so I would layer them and do stuff. Now I like have a lot of fun doing it, but when I do it out of town, I literally have to show up the day before the event. Oh, to make your gelatin thing.

Yeah, find someone's house and be like, it's gonna smell bad in here. I have to find someone's house. Well, I'll make, like when we did it in New York, this guy had this beautiful apartment. It was like the 80th floor of this skyscraper, like gorgeous view of the whole city. And I was like, it's gonna smell like shrimp in here.

And it's gonna smell like shrimp and dead horse. Cause like the jello, when you mix it for the aspects, you have to use so much extra jello. What's aspects? You said that twice. It's just the jello, when you mix it for the aspects, you have to use so much extra jello. What's aspects? You said that twice. It's just the jello. It's like jello with food inside of it. Oh, I see.

And they were very popular in like the 60s and 70s. And so like, I love them. I think when they're made well, they're good. I don't know about that. And I think that it's like the thing that, no, they are the, because- Bitch, I don't trust you. You have breast milk cheese and say, it's delicious.

I don't trust you. St. Cle milk cheese and say, it's delicious. I don't trust you. St. Cleer gelatin with shit and it's good. No, but the, they have flavored. You're making me sound psychotic. Girl, you did that yourself. In my tiny wig, sitting here like tits out, who's crazy, me? But I think I fell in love with this

because my mom used to be a chef and she would make those sometimes when we lived in London because it was like a very British thing at the time. When you had tea, you would have like fruit gelatin. And so I thought like, oh, I'll do that. So the first ones were like turkey drumsticks and castanjello and like loose food. I don't know.

I just wanted to embarrass everyone else. It's just, it's such a fun show. I like the phase that you went through where you fell down every show. That wasn't really a phase, Mom. It was kind of, it's not a phase, Mom. It was more just like, um, I was slipping on the jello, and now we've learned that we have to put down, like, a towel for me to stand on.

But yeah, the whole crux is like, whoever wins the sexy food eating has to go head to head with the other contestant on a cheesecake. And then hopefully they stick something up their butt or they make out or they fuck it. And I just remember I invited my parents to it when we were in Austin, Texas

and they had never seen me host. You're bold. Well, I didn't really have an option. I told them I was gonna be there and they said they were gonna come. I see, okay. And then they made me pay for their hotel rooms and flights. So I don't understand how that worked out.

And so they came and watched it and I thought they were gonna be disgusted and my mom just goes, you shouldn't use chocolate cake, it looks like poop. And I was kinda like, well, it's kinda the point. And then someone fucked a cake in front of my mom, like put his penis inside of a cake and she was like, that's gross.

And then my dad just goes, does anyone ever get an infection? And I was like, I never called a hat. Why don't you follow up? I just give them the money and I'm like, please leave me alone. But now we make them sign waivers so that they can't sue me at the end. Has someone tried to sue you?

Someone has, someone said they hit their head really hard. I said, learn to fall better. I fall all the time. I fall all the time. I'm not injured. I've never injured myself. That's so funny. But also very smart to like cover your bases. Also, I really love that your parents came

and asked sensible questions. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. My dad was like, so how much money you make on this? He was like trying to like get into the business of it. Enough to fly you out and put you up in a hotel and not be mad about it. and not be mad about it. And a nice hotel too.

And not be mad about it. That's how much money I make. Yeah. I feel like you're working so much this year. I am, but it's also like, I mean, we're going into a recession. We have to be very real about that. Jobs are drying up.

And when I'm seeing the Rue girls doing gigs for as much as I'm doing gigs, I'm like, okay, I'm gonna have to start working a lot more now. Because if they're dropping down to where I'm at, I'm terrified. Yeah, but I feel like you're so established, like you don't have to worry about that. Thank you so much.

You're welcome. But I'm nervous. No, I get it. I'm nervous. I get it. So I do everything I can to like stay inventive and try new things. Which I think is smart.

You also have the twink pageant, right? I do the twink pageant, which we just did in Charlotte. And then I have a daddy pageant and then a bear pageant. Oh. So I just throw pageants because I like embarrassing people. And I like letting people express themselves in ways that aren't just like drag queens.

I like that because it's inclusive. Yes, well kind of. At the last twink pageant I had, we let a pug compete because they wanted to. So there was a dog on stage. Oh, okay. I was like, is this a new genre of gay? Did your nail just fall?

Well, oh, it was a rhinestone that I heard. It was a loud fucking rhinestone. They're heavy. Oh, I see a rhinestone that I heard. It was a loud fucking rhinestone. They're heavy. Oh, I see where it's gone. Yeah, no, we as gay people love to be animals. Otters, polar bears, bears, wolves. A polar bear is a white bear? It's an old Santa Claus bear.

I see, I see, okay. Yeah, the Pugs talent was gorgeous. He ate a box of chicken nuggets from McDonald's and Naomi Smalls goes, that's animal abuse. I don't think she's wrong. She didn't win, the pug didn't win. Yeah, it was funny at the beginning, but then it got really sad towards the end

because we were like, that poor dog. This club is so loud. Oh my God, yes. Yeah. Oh, that poor dog. I love that it didn't win. No, absolutely not. I wonder if that that poor dog. I love that it didn't win. No, absolutely not.

I wonder if that dog went home and was sad about it. It didn't win. I think Out Magazine wrote an article on it. We can have. Do you wanna be in a relationship? Not anymore. I'm loving being single. Single for a year and a little change.

Having the best time of my life. In cities that I return to a lot, I have what I call my weekend boyfriends. Oh, see, that's lovely. That's great, because then you just chat to them like every once in a while during the month or whatever. And then when you're in, like say I'm in New York, I got my New York boyfriend, I know who I'm going to events with,

I know who I'm going out with every night. If I wanna see other friends, I can, but I know that he's gonna stay the night at my hotel room and I'm gonna have sex. See, that's nice. Fran Drescher just recently went on record. She said she's got a rotating Friends with Benefits thing and I was like, that's nice.

It's great. That sounds good. Yeah, I think, yeah, here I have my five guys that I rotate through, which is great. Five is so many. How do you remember details about their lives? Okay. I have my five guys that I rotate through, which is great. Five is so many. How do you remember details about their lives? Okay. I don't really know that much about their lives. We're not actually talking about our wishes,

hopes, and dreams. Yeah, it's kind of more of like a gee thanks after we both come in and then they're like. Gee thanks! Gee thanks, do you want a water or use the bathroom? I'm gonna go back to work or you can, what else? Like, get out of my house. Get out.

God, that's really iconic. I fucking love that. One of them is allergic to cats, and now you know I have two cats now, and so he's in and out of the house. He's like, he comes in and he goes straight up to the bedroom, and I was like, I have the air filter on in there.

We get down and dirty, 30, 45 minutes. He could take a Zyrtec. He does, but I'm also fine with him not being in my house for long. You know? I'm not looking for an emotional connection. I'm looking for like fun with like hot, sexy dudes. Yeah.

And he's a rugby player, so he got that crazy body. Rugby players are so hot. I went to a rugby game once. I don't remember anything other than they seem to lift the hottest one up. Yes. And then they do something up there. He like maybe catches a ball or whatever.

I'm just looking at his butt and thighs. It's lovely. Just these men just, ooh, together moving around. I really enjoy. Oh, a rugby player, that's a dream. I don't know what it is, but the big muscle guys love a fat chubbo. Yes, yes, and I think it's because

you can do extra workouts with them. Pfft. Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, you're just like. But yeah, you're like working your core and stuff, it's an extra little workout. Yeah, I love it. I think, I don't know. I mean, I'm not gonna question it. I'm gonna keep on answering those text messages until they stop coming.

I've never had a muscle man be into me. And I don't know why. I'm sure you have. Are you like me where sometimes you can't tell if someone's flirting with you and then you just, oh yeah. All the time. All the time. I have no idea if you're flirting with me or if you're being nice to me.

I was in, I know I've talked about this, but I was in Denver and I was at a coffee shop and this guy was like very cute and was definitely, I thought he was flirting with me. So I gave him free tickets to the show. I was like, you can have two and you can bring a friend. He brought his girlfriend. Kill yourself. That's what I would say to him with me, so I gave him free tickets to the show. I was like, you can have two, you can bring a friend. He brought his girlfriend. Kill yourself, that's what I would say to him.

It was so rude, and then he waited around to tell me good job, and I was like, sir, I thought you were gonna fuck me. What are we doing? You gave me a free cookie. Who gives a fatty a free cookie unless you wanna fuck him? So true!

Yeah, sometimes I can't tell either, and so I'll have a friend come over and assess the situation And they'll be like no they just want to hang out with me Paul They don't want to have sex with you, and I'm like oh, thank you oh Like what do people say when they're like are they just like well let's hang out Yeah, if I'm like going to their city

If you want to come do this cuz they'll know I'm like they're a day or two early So you know if you want to come do this I'm like you're hot and then I scroll through their Instagram follows and be like, is it mostly chubby guys? And if it is, then I'm like, okay, there might be a chance here. And then I look at what drag queens they follow. And if there's not a lot of drag queens,

then I'm like, okay, so they're actually interested in me. But then half the time it's like, oh no, yeah, I'm gonna bring my boyfriend. Or they drop the, and my partner, oh no, yeah, I'm gonna bring my boyfriend. Or like they drop the like, and my partner's at home so I gotta run. And I'm like. It's like, great, why don't we hang out? Yeah, why did you meet me at the hotel?

Why did you do this? Why did we do this? Rude, people are rude. Yeah. Are you on Grindr? No. Oh, are you on, what's the, Sniffies? Yes.

I fucking love Sniffies. Fat top, if you see fat top on sniffies, you know you're looking at me. I really love that you're owning this top, this top era of yours, my God. Sniffies are so funny, if you don't know sniffies, it's more by, it's like by the inch. Yes, it literally, like when I was in my hotel,

it was telling me someone was like 0.1 mile away or whatever and it was like literally below me. But Sniffies is great because it's literally just an on, like in the moment hookup app. It's not to like get to know someone, there's no dating. It's like here's your naked body, here's my naked body, face, face, maybe no face.

Maybe no face. Sometimes no face. Sometimes you walk in and they're like wearing a mask and you're like, okay Oh, yeah, you're just like, all right. Well, I guess Yeah, maybe sometimes you don't know what they look like. I feel like I would have to know Think you're wrong on that one Nicole sometimes it's all about the sexual bodies touching each other in a hot way You know, this is why I don't have a It's all about the sexual bodies touching each other in a hot way.

You know what? This is why I don't have a mask. You're right though, because if you're wearing a mask, you know you're ugly. You know it. And you know that you've had people come to the door and leave, so you put on a mask. And that's honestly, that's pretty polite. That's on you being a good person.

Yeah, that's you knowing. You saving me. You're knowing your crowd. You're knowing the audience, you know? Yeah, from having to take a Viagra to finish. Mm-hmm. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Real quick, we have to take another break. MUSIC

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McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Prices and participation may vary. Mcdouble meal $6 in some markets for a limited time only. Have you ever walked into a room and been like, oh no, I simply can't do this? Yes, it recently happened. Tell me about it. This guy invited me over. He lived down the street from me.

I had to get in makeup for the podcast or something. So it was like 10 o'clock in the morning, but I was like, gotta get this, come out of me. Gotta get the poison out. So then I go over and he's like down the street. So I just walk over. And when I walk in, there's that weird smell in the air. And his apartment is really- there's that weird smell in the air.

And his apartment is really... What kind of weird smell? I don't know what this word means, but it's the only word that I can think of. It was like acrid. It was like bitter and chemically, and like stinky as a smell. Like it stung my nose.

And I was like, oh, I've never smelled what meth smells like, but I'm assuming that's what that was. And he was acting all weird, and then we get into his bedroom with this part. I can't even make it up. He was like, well, I have some porn up, and he had like his phone connected to the screen, and it just had fart porn.

And he was just being weird and chatty, and his apartment was really messy. And he goes, whatever you do, just don't put anything wet on this. And I was like being weird and chatty, and his apartment was really messy. And he goes, whatever you do, just don't put anything wet on this. And I was like, not holding anything wet, or didn't have anything wet. And so I was like, okay. And then I was like, what kind of lube do you have?

And he was like, oh, silicone. I go, oh no, I actually prefer water-based. And he was like, I don't have any. I go, I have some in my car. I'm gonna be right back. And before I even hit the street, he was blocked on the app. And I was like walking home, just like, never again.

Never again! Wild, don't put anything wet here, sir. I have nothing wet. It wasn't like I was holding a drink or anything. It was just like nothing wet here. And it was also the only surface in the apartment that didn't have anything on it. That's why he didn't want anything wet on it.

He said, this is my beacon of hope. This is it. This is the cleanest thing. This is the goal. This is what I want the rest of the place to look like. Fart porn is so funny. Oh, yeah, that was on the screen. Yeah, that's not even the one. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, fart porn. I've never seen it. I've also never seen it. And all I can imagine is just like... I think farting in people's mouths. There's a guy in our neighborhood who on Sniffies, it just, his picture is just handwritten, shit in my mouth.

How many listeners did we just lose? And one time he messaged me and he was like, you got one in the chamber? No! And I just wrote back, sorry, just went. And he said, sorry, I missed it. See, I could never, I could never, but I'm happy that he expresses it

and is able to say what he wants. I love that for him. He's living his authentic truth. This is authentic self. Yes. I don't think I could shit in somebody's mouth. Absolutely not. I can't shit in a public restroom.

I can if need be, but, I'm nasty. But a person's mouth just seems, I think I would get shy. Well, I think I'd be too shy. I can't piss on, like, I can't pee in like a public restroom, like at a urinal next to somebody. Oh, I can pee any old place. Streets, bathrooms, that's about it. Yeah, I was like, where else?

Yeah, that's it. Swimming pools. Oh yeah, I'll pee in a swimming pool. You never peed in a swimming pool? No, I'll pee, like when I go visit my parents, I'll pee in their pool, but I won't pee, like I've been at your house where I've had to like dry off to go use the bathroom.

Thank you, that I do appreciate. I don't like peeing in people's pools. I won't pee in my pool, cause that seems insane. Yeah. But like, if I'm in Vegas, I'm peeing in that pool. Everyone else. Oh, I did that. Everyone else is peeing in the pool.

And I heard the more chlorine-y the smell is, like that just means that there's the more urine in the pool. Yeah. Oh, I thought it was just the cleaner the pool is because there's more chlorine. But I guess you dump more chlorine so that people can pee. Huh. Huh. Huh.

Wow. Yeah, no, can't do that. No, no, can't shit in someone's mouth. But I do love that there's a local freak. Oh, there's multiple local freaks. Also, if you turn. Have you seen the old man in his tiny little gray shorts who walks around with no underwear on?

No. And his dick like hangs out of the bottom of the shorts? No, around the neighborhood? Yeah, up and down the street, the main street right there. On the main street, if you take a right from where you are, there's a man that I went on one date with who sits outside with his guitar and a big cup of coffee and plays his guitar just on that main street.

I see him all the time. Also, sometimes we'll just have a newspaper and he's just out there for hours. And does he smoke too? Yes. Yes, I know the man. And he's little, and his little feet dangle. Mm-hmm. I know the man. I went on one date with him and he said to me,

I said, do you have any siblings? We had run out of things to talk about within a half hour. And I was like, do you have siblings? And he goes, yeah, I have a brother. Well, had a brother, he's a they them now. And I said a brother. Well, had a brother. He's a they them now. And I said, I said, oh, I think a good way to remember your siblings' pronouns is just pretend you're talking about them like you're doing now. You can just say them.

Them? They did this. And he went, ah, yeah, that's a good idea. I don't know. I'm just, I'm just new at all this. And I was like, you're younger than me. I, you, what? He was, he was interesting.

He was a very interesting man. That's a strange character. Yeah, yeah. He was, he was interesting. You had a, I remember when we would hang out, you would tell me so many terrible date stories. Yeah. And I couldn't believe that they were like happening.

I was like, there has to be a level of exaggeration. No. No. I've been single for a year. I've been on so many dates. Men are crazy. Men are sick. They're unwell.

No offense, Casey. They're all bad. Wait, tell me about a terrible date. Well, I threw up on one. Well, yes, that's you. Oh, so you think he's going around telling people that story like I'm the crazy one? I finished driving him home.

I didn't pull over. I didn't stop. I just went, we're getting you home. And then I went home. Honestly, if I was the passenger, I would be like, you have to pull over. I will just get an Uber from wherever. No, took him home.

One more date after that. And I think that's when he was like, nah, I felt crazy. God, wait, have you been in, like have you been on any like proper dates in the last year where you like, you go to dinner, you go to a movie or something? I know that the beach and the museum is a proper date, but any other ones? Yes.

I went to one where we started the night out at the Black Cat. Okay. Because I was like, I love a martini, they have a good martini, and it was like equidistant for both of us. And it was really nice, we had a good time. Then we went to the Eagle,

where the bartenders tend to know me. So I was getting like... Heavy pours. I was getting very heavy pours, and he was like, oh, like, I can go drink to drink with you. And I was like, I don't think you can. I was like, heavy pours and he was like, oh, like I can go drink to drink with you. And I was like, I don't think you can. I was like, very few can without getting sick. I barely can.

And he, karaoke. Just full volume screaming at karaoke. So we like, I get three drinks, which to me I'm like, and we'll have nine more later. He got so drunk that he started telling me his hopes and dreams for the future. Oh no. Then I was like, why don't we take this somewhere else?

Because the Eagle isn't really the place for this. It's a leather bar, right? There's a lot of guys in leather and taking their shirts off. And he's like, and one day we'll all have peace in the Middle East. Basically, he was just like, and one day we'll all have peace in the Middle East. Basically, he was just like,

oh, I really want to adopt kids. And so I think that maybe if we start working that, first date, he's bringing up fostering children and doing this stuff. And I was like, oh no, let's keep it light, keep it light. Let's keep it up here. I want to be up here. And we're, ha ha ha ha.

Not like, no. And he's like, no, come down. Come down, I want your room. So we go over to Ackbar because it was pretty empty still because again, it's nine o'clock and this guy is blackout drunk. And so we could sit down and chit chat and I was like, let me get you some water.

And then he was like, I brought Coke. Ooh. And I was like, well, that might. That's a little fun. That might lift the mood or something. Which I don't do drugs anymore, everybody. Thank you, in case you're worried. And he did like two lines of Coke.

I think I like had one and I was like, must taste bad. And I was like, there's a comedy show. We could go watch the comedy show. Like something, he starts hysterically laughing like so loud that it's like kind of annoying to me. So I was like, let's get out of here. Something he starts hysterically laughing like so loud that it's like kind of annoying to me. So I was like, let's get out of here. And I take him back to the main room

where we're just sitting there talking and he's still telling me like what he wants from the future. And I was like, but what moves are we making to make that happen? What are you doing about creating this TV show or like becoming a comedian? Like, are you doing anything? And then one of the comedians comes out

and sits down with us and like gives him kind of like a, we're gonna go great. And he goes, he goes, you set a lot of ands and ums up there. To my comedian friend. And I was like, oh no, oh no, we gotta get this boy home. I really love that you keep dating people who criticize comedy or tell you comedy. Exactly.

I gotta stay away from the people in the industry. Yeah, you gotta. I just want like a nice computer nerd. That's what I have and it's delightful. I know, I'm jealous, he's great. He's a computer boy and has no aspirations to be in the entertainment industry, but is also very funny. It's delightful.

That's what I want, but then I want an open relationship. Oh. But not, um, not like you can go get a spaghetti dinner with them, you know what I mean? Oh, I get that. Absolutely. Yeah. Don't be forming connections. Don't have an emotional connection to someone else.

I have a gun. Um, I'm not really. I have a gun. I have a gun. But I just, yeah, I think that's what I want from the future. Like if I ever do get in another relationship, which I think will be a long time from now. I just, I'm enjoying the stories. Sometimes you get a text update,

sometimes you get a voice message. It's really nice. And I'm just slurring like, you'll never believe what just happened to me. And I'm like, ooh. I threw up all over my car. Honestly, that text was like the highlight of my day. Maybe a week, maybe even a month.

Well, the worst part was the gig later was like, prove it. And so then I had to take a picture of my vomit car. Wait, did you cancel the gig? Is that why they said prove it? Yeah. I was supposed to host a gig that night. And I was like, I can't do it. Honestly, that's too wild of a story.

Do you know what I mean? For you to just like make, I vomited all over my car. Yeah. That's why I'd be like, oh yeah, stay home. We don't want that here. Not at a gig club. I think that a lot of the times I've been out super drunk like that, I will vomit and I will rally I've seen it

I've seen it coming out of the bathroom like oh, that was crazy. You had gum No, there was once backstage at that slut I can't remember what happened, but you literally like power puked into a toilet and then you're like, alright God get back out or no into a trash can. Yes. It was the trash can backstage and I just I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like,

I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like,

I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like,

I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was there this night? No, but I got a text about this. Yeah, is your Indian? And I just started drinking like a ton at the Abbey because I knew someone that had a bottle. So I was like, oh, but they don't give tequila, it's just vodka, and vodka makes me sick. So then I was just doing a bunch of these,

oh, it was Naomi was with me, and I was just drinking a ton of vodka. I can't believe you confused me for Naomi Smalls. Two beautiful, gorgeous, tall black women. Yes, I'm so tall. And I'm running on my way to the bathroom in platforms and I just start puking on the floor. And then I get to the bathroom and I go,

someone just threw up over there. Like full hot breath at him. You're a monster. And then I go into the bathroom and I'm standing there waiting for a stall. Like, what do I do, what do I do? Someone comes out and I run into the stall and again before I could even Get to the toilet. I just puke on the wall

And then I was like no And so I grab a just as much toilet paper in a seat covers as I can to start wiping the wall Then flush it and then I leave and I did a good job I did a good job I don't want anyone else to have to clean up after me because I'm a mess and I run back out and I go someone else puuked in there. And then I'm like trying to go, I go up to my friends and I was like,

you guys, I just puked all over. I'm gonna have another drink, but I think it's time to go. And they all looked at me and they went, no, it's time to go now. That's funny. That was a good time. You know, gay clubs be wild.

I once went with a friend who got too drunk and shit on the wall. Anyway, meeple. Weren't you that friend? Let's not get into it. Do you have any advice for single people? Listen. Do whatever makes you happy

until someone else makes you happier. Does that make sense? Yeah, sure. I mean, I don't know. I'm not doing single great. I think you are. You be fucking. You got a roster.

That's nice. Yeah, just have fun. You're having a nice time. I just don't want to be focused on getting a boyfriend because when you think about it too much is when you start dating the wrong people, I think. I agree. My therapist, right before I met my boyfriend,

my therapist was like, why don't you start dating with no expectations? And I was like, oh, okay. She's like, if you have a nice time, you have a nice time. If you have a bad time, you have a bad time. But there was no expectations, so you're not disappointed. Yeah. And that was really helpful.

That's actually really good advice. Yeah. When I went on like a couple dates, he was the one I liked best, and he ended up liking me back. And I was like, huh, that's nice. I have no expectations. And then liking me back and I was like, huh, that's nice. I have no expectations. And then was pretty chill until he was like,

do you wanna be my girlfriend? And I was like, huh, okay, wow, am I chill? I'm not chill. I think you're pretty chill. I think you're chillier than you think you are. Oh my God, thank you so much. Oh my God, you're welcome. I'm tall and chill.

I'm beautiful. I'm beautiful. Oh, would you date me? Wow. I like men. But. Maybe if you start playing rugby or something. But.

Or you become a bodybuilder. What if my, but my butthole, a butt is a butt? Please, a butt is a butt. Yes, I I date you. Let's go to the black cat and talk about adopting children. Let's do it, I'll put on a strap-on. Anyway. I can get you a great deal on one.

I'm sure you can, I'll use your code. Do we get all the questions? There was no questions. I mean, it's research, and Lindsay, my assistant, my wonderful assistant, I was like, yeah, do research on my good friend. Oh wait, I actually, I'm gonna ask you about this. I didn't know it. You were once arrested for slapping an officer

who tried to take your drink. Yes. And then you lied about your grandmother dying. Yes. So I was living in New York. It was my first year there. I was 18 years old and I was hanging out at the Blarney Stone in Times Square

because they served underage. Underage people, I spent so much, we probably ran into each other at the Blarney Stone. Cause I was always there. Yeah, I lived there for like four years. Yeah, same. Until I got arrested because I took my drink outside because in Texas you can like drink on the sidewalk

in front of the bar or whatever, or where I was. Not in New York. Not in New York, so these cops drove by and clearly I look like a child, and I'm holding a drink in front of a bar, and he comes over and he's like, excuse me sir, what do you think you're doing? And I was like, having a drink.

Not like, oh sorry officer, or anything. I was like, having a drink, and he goes, well I don't think you're allowed to have that out here, and he reached for the drink and I slapped his hand. And I was like, what do you think you're doing? And he was, because I was like having a drink, and he goes, well, I don't think you're allowed to have that out here, and he reached for the drink, and I slapped his hand, and I was like, what do you think you're doing? And he was, because I was drunk, and I have an attitude, and he was like, oh no, you're under arrest,

and so all my friends, because you know you could see out the front. Yes, because there's that big window. Yeah, you could see me, it's not there anymore, by the way. No, it closed, I was very sad about that. I spent so many drunk nights there. I was once there with an RA, and she got so drunk she puked on the table, and I was like,

somebody has to take her fucking home, and it's not gonna be me. Oh, me and my friends, I had a friend that would throw up there, and then we would just kind of put her into a cab and be like, she's fine! And then be like, you can figure out how to pay for it when you get there, girl. Oh my god!

All the way to Brooklyn, where she lived. Girl! From the Blernestone. Yeah, so then they were like, oh, they put me in a cell and I just was like, um, my grandma just died, like I have to go, I'm supposed to be getting on a plane this morning to go visit her, I was drinking my pain away, I'm young.

And I was just like doing, I was just saying anything I could. And then, yeah, they like let me out in the morning, I think they were just putting me in there to scare me. I think they were trying to teach you a lesson. And there was a legit insane person in there next to me. Yes, I've been to jail in New York too. It's wild.

But he was just really weird and talking to himself the whole time. And so then I just remember disassociating. And I don't know how long I was in there, but I just know when I left, the sun was out and I walked home because I was just like trying to figure out like, how am I gonna explain to my parents?

Did you have to? I did have to go to court, but all I got served was community service and then they expunged my record. That's what happened when I got arrested, but I was arrested for shoplifting. And before they took my phone, I texted my friend Erica, I was like,

they're taking me to jail. This is the jail I'm going to. So then she brought me a letter and they brought that letter to me and it was just like, you're gonna get out soon to work. But why did they hold me in there? Why not just book me and then be like, okay, you have a court date for assaulting an officer?

I think they wanted to scare you. Well, I was scurred. Scurred, straight. I was scarred. Now when I see a cop, I'm like, oh no, no, no. Whenever I see a cop, I'm like, bring it on. I dare you. Well, I was scurred. Scurred, straight. I was scarred. Now, when I see a cop, I'm like, oh no, no, no. Whenever I see a cop, I'm like, bring it on. I dare you. What are you gonna do, kill me?

Yeah, Nicole. I saw the video of you twerking in front of the cop at the Black Lives Matter march. I was very much like, you're gonna get shot. You're gonna be the first to go. Imagine, I imagine there's footage of me twerking at a fucking Black Lives Lives Black Lives Matter rally, and then I get shot after twerking I mean

I'm not what are you I truly no one's shooting me. I'm not dying that way. I'm gonna die in a goofy way I can't wait. It's gonna be so silly Like what? Like a dog falling out of a window and hitting me. You thought about this a little too much. You know, like, uh, it'll be like very final destination. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know?

Something silly. Like, uh, like a log's falling off a car and nailing me in the fucking face in my car. Anyway. Anyway. Okay. I don't wanna think about you dying. Hey, thank you. That's nice.

You're welcome. Do you have anything you wanna promote? I can't remember any of the dates for July or anything. So sorry, no. Do you have a website? No. Oh, you can buy my merch at meatland.bigcartel.com. You can get a fat slut t-shirt.

You can buy stickers with my face on it. And I also sell a jarred fart, if you'd like to buy that as a gift for somebody. It's a jar. How much is it? I think they're $25 currently. I'm running a sale, because I have a lot of farts. I gotta get out of my house.

And how do you jar a fart? You fart in it and then quickly close it up? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You kind of give it out. You kinda, you give it hell. You eat, okay, well here's what you do. You eat Indian food the night before. And I'm talking like a large amount of tikka masala. You want the naan, you want anything that'll get you going.

Garlic-y for me gets me tooty. And then I let it have, and then I screw it on real tight. And I slap a sticker with my face on it, and then I'm really. Have you ever smelt one, like a couple days after, to make sure it's stinky? Someone bought one a year ago and opened it up and said, yes, very potent, thank you, and bought a new one.

So I think they're jerking off to it. And bought a new one! Bought a second one. Again, authentically living their lives. Well, we've come to the end. Thank you for having me. I hope people enjoyed this episode. It was more unhinged than our first one, I fear.

I also think it was. I think people are going to turn this one off halfway through. They're going to be like, you know what? I've had enough of gay people. No. Maybe. What if? What if a conservative person is listening right now

and they're like, actually, I think I like gay people and I'm gonna start the crusade to really try to change some conservative people's minds. Listen, Chelsea, do it. Yeah, Chelsea, we're talking to you at home. Do it. Do it, Chelsea. Change people's minds, Chelsea, you can. See, gay people just wanna have fun. We're not out here harming anybody.

It's like that song, girls wanna have fun. But it's gays wanna have fun. Gays wanna have fun. That's the remix. I wake up in the morning light. I put a shrimp up my butt and get on a flight. And get on a flight. That was good.

Thank you. Okay. So that's it. This episode's done. Okay, bye. No, I'm not done. Oh, sorry. Okay, so if you hit on me saying something nasty to Why Won't You Date Me? podcast at gmail.com, I'm not done. Oh, sorry. Okay, so if you hit on me saying something nasty

to why won't you date me, podcast at gmail.com, I'll read it. Okay, Nicole, I'd suck a guppy fish onto your clit. What? Nicole, I'd suck a guppy fish on your clit, then collect your dripping pussy juice and combine it with juniper honey. Ha ha, oh, sayon honey.

That sounds nice. That sounds expensive. Then I'd smother, I wonder if it's like a different bee. Like is it a juniper honey. Ha ha, oh, it's high in honey. This sounds nice. This sounds expensive. Then I'd smother, I wonder if it's like a different bee. Like is it a juniper bee? Or is it honey made from juniper? Like is it like infused with juniper? I think you're probably on the right track.

Then I'd smother the concoction on your nipples, cover myself in feathers, and shimmy up and down your body until we are one sticky, yummy mess? Why the feathers? Why the feathers? Why like, tartan feathers? I don't wanna be tartan feathers. I don't want feathers on me, like, sticky.

Yeah, no one's sticky feathers. Mm, this one was fun, but interesting. What is juniper honey? I like birds. Maybe he's trying to make me, or they're trying to make me into a bird. I just hooked up with a man the other oh, sorry No, you hooked up with a man the other time right after we hooked up

He I've never seen someone like you know he like clicked out of it, and he goes the hummingbirds are back And he goes the hummingbirds are back and then like showed me his hummingbird feeder And he goes that's the king of the net That's the one that they're all afraid of and he'll sit there and he talked to me about hummingbirds are back. And then showed me his hummingbird feeder, and he goes, that's the king of the nest. That's the one that they're all afraid of. And he'll sit there, and he talked to me about hummingbirds for like five minutes. Thoughts?

I love that you're fucking the weirdest fucking people. Oh, absolutely! I love that. The hummingbirds are, whoop, whoop, whoop. The hummingbirds are back. The hummingbirds are back. Doesn't that sound like something in a horror film? Yeah, it sure does, and then you get murdered. The hummingbirds are back. Nobody kill you sound like something out of a horror film? Yeah, it sure does. And then you get murdered.

The hummingbirds are back. Nobody kill you. I don't want to think about you dead either. Now we're done. Bye. Bye. Bye. Oh, you've been listening to Why Won't You Date Me With Me,

Nicole Beier. This show is produced and edited by Mars, with executive producer Anya Kenovskaya. It's engineered by Casey Donahue with guest research by Lindsay Kempf. Our VP of content at Headgum is Katie Moose and our theme music is arranged by Mike Komete. Ah, thanks for listening! We'll be back next week with a brand new episode. See you then! Okay, bye bye! That was a Headgum Podcast.