Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Open Relationships (w/ Cole Escola)

Episode Date: November 18, 2022

Comedian Cole Escola (Difficult People, Tuca & Bertie) helps Nicole craft the perfect answer for dating app small talk, shares the secret to their successful 3 year open relationship, and the terrible time they had taking a Tinder date to Paris. Plus, Nicole learns about the new dating app "The League", which costs $99 a WEEK!  Black Lives Matter.  Click here for an updated list of over 100 different things you can do to support racial justice.   Follow Nicole Byer: Twitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerMerch: podswag.com/datemeNicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Ooh, baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me, a podcast where me and Nicole Byer try to figure out how I'm still single, even though you could take me to a farm, call me a pig, and leave me there. I would say, oink, oink, I love them.

My guest today is a hilarious comedian, actor, and cabaret singer who you know from Search Party, Difficult People, Tu party difficult people to convert and the new musical please baby please it's coleskola hello thank you for saying i'm a singer i think you're a singer i think you're fabulous thanks i think the same about you. Cole, stop it. Okay. Cole, are you single or are you in a relationship or do you care not to say? Because that's an option. I am in a relationship and I've been in it for three years. And I hate talking about it because everyone gets so jealous. I mean, I am jealous.

Three years is such a nice long time. It is. It is a long time. And I love them more than anything. Yeah, we're happy. It's open. We're gay. Was it open from the beginning

I'm so curious about open relationships it was open from the beginning oh this is the first time I've dated someone where we didn't commit like after the third

date I had the brakes on a little bit for myself and said, let's go, let's do a little slow. Let's see if this works because hitting, you know, 90 miles an hour on, you know, date one hasn't worked out well for me. date one hasn't worked out well for me. Maybe that's something I should do. Slow down a little bit. Because truly by date two, three, four, I'm like, he likes me, I like him, we need to get married tomorrow. And he needs to profess his love for me.

Yeah, yeah. But then when you move beyond that, usually you realize you don't like them. Right? Well, yes. It's always in hindsight. Yeah. It is always after I've been broken up with do I go, oh, I didn't like them.

They were mean to me. Yeah. They made fun of me in ways that were unkind. Yeah. Yeah. They just weren't good to me. Oh, yeah, I'm sure you got a lot of guys that are trying to be funny. Yes. And then the way they do that is by being mean, and you're like, oh, that's just cruel, actually.

Uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah, I dated one guy. I mean, boy, oh, boy, this is like two years ago at this point. He was super gregarious and was an actor who wasn't acting. And I was an actor who was acting. And I think that had a lot to do with his quote unquote jokes. Because they sometimes would be so mean.

Or I'd be like, oh, I'm working on this. And he'd be like, never heard of it. And you'd be like never heard of it okay thank you god bless you're right I'm sorry of course that's so insensitive of me to be working I'll call them on Monday and I'll I'll give them my two weeks notice I'll stay home I could never work if you're not working. Yeah, he was not kind. And dating has been wild. I'm going to read to you what a man recently said to me. Cole, get ready. Dear diary.

Just get ready for this. Dear diary, this man said to me something terrible. And is this over text or in a dating app? This is a dating app. is this over text or in a dating app or this is a dating app and jim said to me oof damn girl kissy face are you medusa every time i look in your eyes i get rock hard and that was monday october 24th at 4 p.m and then tuesday this past tuesday at 22, he said, want to pee on me? So much time has passed. Well, what I appreciate about that is he was like, okay, she's not interested. What do I have to lose?

I want to get peed on. I'm going to ask. Want to pee on me? Is that? No? Okay. But imagine that was the thing I was looking for I was like oh my god

if you were like just waiting you were like oh Mike thank you thank you so much I was looking for a place to relieve myself thank you that's the magic yeah like okay well now you're speaking my language yeah I mean

that's dating and sex apps, I guess. But I don't know. It must be. I can't imagine what it's like to be a straight woman dating the pool to choose from. Straight men are so odd. Yeah. They are so odd to me i had a conversation with somebody who thought this trans woman was very beautiful and then found out they were trans and then they were no longer

beautiful and i was like but if you were attracted to her yeah what's like before you knew what's the big deal that's like one thing i don't understand about straight men the other thing i don't understand about straight men is like the whole no bed frame situation. I've been to homes of 30-year-old men who don't have bed frames. Yeah. And surely sleeping on the floor can't be good for your back.

No, and I have a friend who is in her 40s and dating and she tells me the most horrific stories of men who like, because they don't like talk to their friends they don't have friends to talk to like tell like like whoever they're dating becomes therapist slash mom slash everything all in one like i mean women always get this reputation for being like dumping and like like being too um i don't know like emotional sensitive and emotional sharing yeah but straight men boy oh boy they have a lot to say and then when when it's not received well or it's like oh that's that's maybe not for me they're like fuck you you bitch and it's like

wow wow the amount of straight men that i've told to go to therapy is yeah truly if i got a penny for every time i've said it to a straight man i would have at least a hundred pennies that's that's a lot i mean that's a whole dollar yeah Nobody wants a hundred pennies. No one wants a hundred pennies. I remember once when I was like 10 years old, I tried to buy a copy of Tiger Beat magazine with pennies and nickels at Safeway. Cole, I love this. And the woman, her name was Amron,

at the cash register, she said, honey, I don't have time to count all these. And I was humiliated, devastated. A week later, she died of an asthma attack. Wait, is this a real story? This is real. This is real. And I think about it all the time because I was like 11 and my mom told me she was dead.

And I remember thinking like should i count in my pennies yeah i was like i guess he counted my pennies you might be still breathing like see karma's real yeah karma's real be nice let me have my tiger beat did she let you have the tiger beat no see that's insane i truly if i was the cashier and i was like couldn't possibly be bothered i would either take all your pennies put them in the register and let you have it or be like keep your pennies just have it just have the tiger beat yeah yeah same i same you know there needs to be more like was was she an older woman she was, she had a real opportunity to be a fairy godmother. She did.

And she wasted it. To give you a magazine full of bowl cuts. Oh my God, the hottest bowl cuts any tween could imagine. All the brothers Lawrence. All the brothers Lawrence. All the brothers Hanson. I loved Hanson. Because at first I i was like are these young women then i was like oh they're boys and i was like i like that it's interchangeable they are so hot to me the

youngest one looked like an olsen twin and i love the olsen twins they're my favorite little creatures did you uh like did you like them like early, like Brother for Sale? Oh, Brother for Sale, only 50 cents, pom, pom, pom, pom. I love. Oh, you know the remix. I am the cute one. I love the Olsen twins. I love them so much.

I had every VHS of The Adventures of Mary-kate and ashley where elizabeth olsen makes her acting debut as their sister elizabeth um i had every single one of their dual star movies passport to paris um switching goals what was the one with kirstie Alley? Oh, that one is... Oh, shit. Wait, what is that one called? Mars, please help us. Is it It Takes Two? Yes, it's It Takes Two. It Takes Two.

Thank you. Thank you, Mars. A perfect movie. Double, double, doiling... What is it? Double, double, toiling trouble. Double, double, toiling trouble. To Grandmother's House We Go. These are all bops.

They're all so good One that I really like Winning London Another one A New York Minute was their grand finale And it was in theaters It could have been so much better Are you crying?

I just don't understand why they didn't Really have rewrites and maybe a room to improve it. Oh my god, it has 8% on Rotten Tomatoes. It Takes Two? No, I think New York Minute. No, It Takes Two is

8% on Rotten Tomatoes. It Takes Two has 8% on Rotten... Nobody knows what good movies are. It's a great movie. I'm furious on Rotten Tomatoes. Please, everyone% on Rotten Tomatoes. Nobody knows what good movies are. It's a great movie. I'm furious at Rotten Tomatoes. Please, everyone, go to Rotten Tomatoes and rate it higher. If you leave this podcast with one thing, one actionable item that you can do today.

Yes, the elections are over, darling. Go to Rotten Tomato tomato where the real elections are happening and upvote it takes two real change yeah i love them i think i've said this on the podcast before when i was little my middle name is michelle i used to tell people i was michelle tanner from full house and a lot of nice adults would nod their heads. Wow, that's so sweet. I grew up in a very, very nice environment where people were like, sure. Do you wait? Did you want to be a child actor when you were little? No, I wanted to be Michelle Tanner from Full House.

You wanted to be her. Three dads, technically, two sisters, An annoying neighbor. This is fun. Yeah. Overalls every day. Pig tails. Yeah, that was the life for me. Yeah. I don't think I wanted to act until high school.

Until New York Minute. Yeah. Until New York Minute. And I said, put me in. Throw me in, coach. When did you decide to be an actor? I wanted to be an actor when I was like six. And I really wanted to be a child actor.

I hated my family. I hated everyone for not pushing me. I was so resentful at my mom for just being a working single mom and not a stage mom. It's like, quit your job, drive me to Hollywood. Exactly, exactly, yeah. I read Jeanette McCurdy's book about being a child actor. And at this point, I'm like, it should be illegal. It should be illegal.

It should be illegal. Why are we- Oh my God, how wild. Or there should be like a child liaison that never interacts with their parents, only interacts with them and a producer should be like like a child liaison that never interacts with their parents yeah only interacts with them and a producer to be like hey is this scene okay and do you feel good about it because i just watched i think the conjuring where a child's being haunted and i'm like where do these children go after being in horror movies? Are they themselves haunted after? And I also think they should have fake names.

Right? Yeah. Because, like, just their identities should be protected and they should just, like, after they're in a movie, they should be barred from working in other movies. Like, it's not so much child actors. It's, like, it seems like child stars. You know what I mean?

Like, the parents that want them to like climb the ladder yeah yeah like we shouldn't have been able to like follow lindsey lohan do you know like growing up absolutely absolutely and it's like she's a mess of course she's a mess she's growing up yeah yeah how wild get it together holly Meanwhile, I'm like holding auditions with children for this stupid thing that I'm working on. And I'm like, they won't move on to anything after this. It's like, it's fine. This is comedy. They'll be like, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Yeah. Yeah. They won't be scarred. That's so funny. Yeah. I never thought about like being a child star or anything. I wanted to be a bus driver. And my friend Emily Heller, she asked me once,

she was like, what would you be if you weren't an actress? And I was like, a bus driver. And she said, why? And I said, I like buses. They're like big cars. And she laughed for too long. She was like, really, Nicole? Do you like driving?

Love driving. Do you really? Love. Because they go vroom vroom? They go vroom vroom. And you feel them up. They go glug glug glug glug glug. And you go, I'm full.

Oh my God. I genuinely don't like electric cars because you can't feel the car. And every time I've said it to someone, they're like, you're fucking weird. You're allowed. You're allowed. Thank you. I bought my dream car. Thank you.

You bought your dream car? Yes. I had it shipped all the way from exotic Ohio. Ford F-150? I don't know anything about cars. I wish. I do love an F-150. They're fun is that it's a pickup okay it's a ford pickup um and you can get an extended cab it's an xl or you don't get an extended cab and it's little it's a mitsubishi 3000 gt um it is a 94 and she has original everything original rims original interior original

it's she's beautiful and she's cherry red and i love her and she since she's a 94 it's like oh you really feel her uh i love her so much and she's automatic so she doesn't go that fast um and i can't i don't know if i can this is not interesting to you i don't know if i can change the engine you don't know if you can change the engine do you need to yeah because i well i wanted to go faster i don't drive you don't oh yes wait you never learned no but you grew up in oregon yeah yeah i just uh i walked i would walk around and hope that someone would just give me a ride. Strangers? Strangers, friends, family, enemies, you name it.

I would love to see. What a dream that would be for you to be like, enemy, fine. I do have to go to Safeway and you can take me, but I won't be happy about it. Are you going that way too? Okay. I'll go. Yeah, I don't have any desire to drive. Fair.

I don't understand that at all. Well, that's what makes us different. You live in New York. You don't need to drive. You could take the subway. Or Uber. My favorite feeling in the world is being driven. Or Uber.

My favorite feeling in the world is being driven. I was, I was, I was speaking of therapy and then we'll, we'll bring it back to my, my dating, but I was in therapy and I was talking to my therapist about how I've only been on, I've been on like two vacations in my adult life and I didn't really enjoy either of them because I never know what to do. And so we were trying to figure out together, like, when do I, like, what do I want out of a vacation? And I was like, I want to feel like just relaxed and, um, and like at peace. And he's like, when can you imagine, like, when do you feel most like that?

And I'm like, when I'm in an Uber. So now I just, um, I'll take, I take Ubers. I love being driven. Okay. I don't know what kind of vacation that would be though. It's because, it's because like there's a goal. You're going somewhere. There's a destination, but you don't have to do anything.

You don't have to worry about getting there. You don't have to think about it. You don't even have to about it you don't even have to worry about time like if you're late it's not your fault it's like the traffic or whatever and driver's fault yeah it's the uber driver's fault or the traffic i was trying to be more generous i always blame the driver i go my uber was wild and it could be clear highways and it's's just, I left 20 minutes late. You're like, oh my God, like so many turns. Too many, all left. I just like being on my phone in the back. Like, I feel like I'm borrowing time from God in the back of an Uber.

What a treat. I love that. I'm borrowing time from god yeah well do you like beaches no okay or i do but like once you get there then what it's like i go to the beach and i think okay great when and then i'm like sitting there like okay well i guess we've been here half an hour i should probably wait here another half an hour so I'm here at least an hour and then I guess I go home after that or you get on a jet ski yeah I guess I would require you to drive it yeah okay okay I see the flaw in my plan yeah what about a city like Tokyo where you can get driven around from place to place, maybe Tokyo is a good option, but I feel like other cities I've been to,

I'm just like, well, it's not New York. Fair. I do love New York. Because it's like, oh, what? The restaurant closed at 9.30? What? But I'm hungry now. But I want a fully prepared meal now.

Yeah. Okay, I got it. You Airbnb a different apartment in New York. Okay, actually, not a bad idea. Maybe I'll do that. Yeah, and like, I don't know, maybe like Gramercy Park?

Oh my God. I don't know if Airbnb is in Gramercy Park. Well, but there's the Gramercy Hotel. I could, you know. It closed. It did? Yes, you know. It closed. It did? Yes, very recently. Oh, no.

I'm devastated about it. It's my favorite. Is that where you would stay? Where you like to stay? Yes, because they remembered me. Yeah, that goes a long way. It really does. Ms. Byer, welcome back.

And I'm like, oh, you remember? And I'm sure like in their computer, they're like, she stayed here once before. And that got me good. So I would only stay there every time I went to the city. And then I made friends with one of the doormen. I can't remember his name. But then I started following him on Instagram. He's doing really great. He has since left the Gramercy Park Hotel. And he married his girlfriend and he has two kids. He's doing really great he has since left the Gramercy Park Hotel and he married his girlfriend and he has two kids now and he's doing really well Carlos that's his name he was so nice to me there was like one day where I guess I had an early call time and then I was like ready to go

and then they're like actually we're gonna push it like two hours or something and I was like well I'm up and then I was like can I get a key to the park so I could just sit in there? And he was like, yeah, sure, I'll walk you over. And then he like walked me over and we had a lovely conversation. And then every time I came back, I was like, Carlos, how are you doing? He gave me an update on his life.

I really liked him. I love the Gramercy Park Hotel. Oh my God, this is the most romantic thing I've heard in weeks. Just this love story. It is a love story. With the hotel. Yeah, it's a beautiful hotel. Maybe you should be dating hotels.

Maybe I should, but they just leave me because this one closed. That's true. Also, there's the suite that Obama stayed in that they let me go see, and another suite that Beyonce stayed in that they would let me go see. Everyone at that hotel was my best friend. Wait, but they didn't

Obama and Beyonce didn't stay in the same suite there were different suites I don't think so I think there's two different gigantic suites wow I wonder which one was better obviously Beyonce's right I think it was the Beyonce one yeah of course they're like sorry Mr. President

sorry Barack we love another bee Beyonce yeah Cole real quick we have to take a break okay okay let's get back to you yeah love sex rock and Okay. Which do you like better? Love, sex, or rock and roll? Sex. Okay. So if you had asked me that like eight years ago, I would have been like, sex. I don't know why I said eight. Yeah. But now in my elderly years, I'm longing for love, Cole. Love is all there is.

Love will just keep you going. Yeah. Love will fuel you. Yeah. Yeah yeah i don't think i've ever i don't i just want love i want like to look at someone and be like i love you yeah and i want them to love me back have you felt that feeling for someone before yes i think i felt it twice in my whole life and one was with somebody who was like truly the most toxic person I could ever think of. He was bad to the bone. That song was about him.

He was terrible. Oh, wow. I didn't know that. And then there was another one that was a real sweetie. And I don't know. It just didn't. Yeah. It didn't become a proposal or a move-in situation

or anything more than just, oh, I love this person, but nothing's happening. Yeah. So she's single and she's sad about it. Cole, I'm going to read you another. Not Twitter. What is it called? Tinder.

Okay, so this man, I think he wanted me to read this on my podcast. Okay. Because he was really like. Well, let's respect his wishes. Yeah, and give him what he wants because. Otherwise. That's what you do, reward men. Yeah.

Okay. So Matt said, Nicole, where have you been? The kids keep asking about you. I don't know what to tell them. Sorry, little Jimothy and Chrysanthemum. Your mom left us to go host TV and podcasts. It's clear to me now, all the promises you made, you never meant to keep.

That's what hurts most of all. That and the void in my life that used to be filled by your world-renowned blowjobs. Your family misses you. Orenthal James, your juicy husband, the Simpsons. So I said, can I read this on my podcast? And he said, you have my full express permission to use it in perpetuity for all of the time across the universe i'm also available to guest or provide other charming and or out of pocket content i'm told by count them one of my exes i have a beautiful baritone voice and then later that day he said okay now that we've worked out the the fine print what's good and? And I did not respond.

Well, when's the wedding? Tomorrow! Oh, that's so hard because, yeah, you know, clearly

trying to be funny and, and, yeah, yeah. and, and yeah, yeah, I, I used,

I get that sometimes cause I still, you know, date and have S E X and, um, yes. Are you on Grindr? Grindr. Grindr.

Yeah. Does it, does Grindr work out for you or you, you just said you get messages like that. Yeah. Yeah. Does Grindaire work out for you? Or you just said you get messages like that. Yeah. Yeah. And it's traumatizing. Yeah.

I read it and I was like, what is the goal with this? Yeah. Well, to make you laugh. Oh, it sure didn't. It was just confusing. I was like, what is this? Oh, it sure didn't. No. Yeah. No, I sure didn't it was just like confusing i was like what is this oh it sure didn't no yeah no i really didn't and then another follow-up and i was like i don't what i don't want it yeah sometimes like well what do you have do you what do you like what's in your bio or do you say anything okay on tinder

i haven't changed my bio in a very long time wait look at this man's smile i mean i would he looks yeah dude really i don't know he looks i would sorry i don't know there's something a little creepy about his smile. Exactly. Okay. My profile says, definitely a thought. The happiest out there. I love to tee hee hee.

Fat yet flexible. Yeah. See, this is, it's too's too you know dumb people read that or not even dumb people but people read that and they think oh like oh she's funny i'm gonna be funny too maybe it should be more like like not here for friends i want love don't be an idiot. You know, like really like, like just putting up as many like obstacles so that like, you know, the people that that reach out are. They're well aware that I did not come here to make friends. Yeah. I'm looking for love.

Don't try to make me fucking laugh on this app. Yeah. Exactly. Try to make me laugh. Yeah. Take me on a date and try to make me laugh. And then... That's what my Raya says.

Okay, my Raya says, because famously it took me two years to get on it. Oh my God, this boring man. He messaged me. Oh God. He said, hey, Nicole, nice to meet you. I said, hi, how are you? He said, good, except I'm preparing for a deposition tomorrow.

I don't give a shit, man. yeah i'm such an asshole yeah okay so my riot says i didn't come here to make friends xoxo gossip girl good that's good, but the deposition guy, I think, wait, is he cute or no? I don't know. Okay, maybe. Like, are you, yeah, yeah, yeah. He looks like he might murder me. Yeah, he does. But that could be, but here's the thing.

This is, I find the hottest, I find it the hottest when people don't know how to take a good picture interesting you know what I mean like when you're like because that means that they're not like vain or thinking about it so like when you meet someone in real life that had like a good

picture on an app but then they're like even hotter in real life you're like I don't know i just respect that so much more than like when someone's super hot in their photos and then you meet them in real life and you're like oh you you have your little ring light and you know your angles you know i went on a date with someone who did that yeah and i was like i can understand how you look like your picture but you do not look like your picture yeah yeah yeah i see the similarities you are a cousin to that picture

but you are not that picture yeah i guess you're right and i have been out with people who look exactly like their picture and i'm like yes and then i've been out with people who look a little bit better than their picture and i'm like oh yeah this is a treat for me yeah yeah it's also like in a um in a sick possessive way you're like you're like oh good so like other other girls aren't gonna see you and know how hot you are because you're too stupid to figure out how to take a good picture you're too fucking dumb now you're mine okay help me help me craft a response to him what did he say the deposition man yes he so he said hey nicole nice to meet you i said hi how are you he said good except i'm preparing for a deposition tomorrow you I mean, in his defense, dating app small talk is just hell.

Yes. It's hell. Now, he hasn't given you much. He really hasn't. That doesn't mean that like, I don't know. But are you looking for someone that's funny? Yes and no. I would like someone who like understands my humor and thinks I'm funny. And then I in turn think they're funny. A happy medium between where have you been?

Our kids are hungry without you. And I have a deposition tomorrow. Like somewhere in between there. Somewhere in the middle of that. Yeah. I mean, except I have a deposition tomorrow. You, I would, you know, test to see his sense of humor by saying something like, Oh my God, I have a deposition too.

Okay. And then, or something like that like okay wait that's that's that's draft one god i need a writer's room right now um okay so uh like i have a deposition tomorrow wait okay maybe something like that's so crazy i'm being deposed tomorrow maybe it's i don't know i'm trying to think okay some way to test his like test his sense of humor yeah by making a joke back to him yes okay good except i'm preparing for a deposition tomorrow oh my god i have a deposition tomorrow. Oh my God. I have a deposition too. Deposition twins. Yeah. Yeah, exactly.

Exactly. Okay. This is so sad. Okay. Deposition twins. Sent. Sent. Okay, deposition twins. Sent. Sent. Okay, great.

And I want to be at the wedding. You'll be the flower girl. Okay, okay. Yes, you'll be the flower girl. This very hot person on Hinge matched with me. I matched back with them, and then they didn't say anything. I'm just, like, striking out all over. What is...

Okay, so here... Are you on Hinge? Tell me about it. I'm not on Hinge because that feels more like for dating. Like, and I... You know, like, Grindr is more accepting to people who are in open relationships. Because also like when I was single and I was on an app and I saw someone was like in an open relationship, it would make me so mad. I'd be like, leave something for the rest of us.

Like you have enough. Stay home with your boyfriend. Are you not happy? That's how I feel sometimes yeah of course the older i get i feel like all of my friends who've been in relationships for a long time are like we're dead we're definitely opening it up it's we've been together for eight years i'd like a taste of something else and then it's like really interesting to think about it's like i don't own this person if this person wants to have

experiences with somebody else that has nothing to do with me how is that actually hurting me absolutely and I felt I feel the same way and like philosophically I'm all for open relationships in practice it was really hard for me at the beginning and I got, of course, really jealous and insecure. But now it's kind of hot to me. And also, like, I would much rather hear, like, if I ask, like, how was your day? I'd much rather hear, like, so there's this guy at work that I've been flirting with. And, like, I think we're going to make out. Rather than, like, it was good. It's like total honesty.

It's total honesty. And it's also just more fun it's like tell me some hot gossip please i mean i am starved for gossip yeah i don't think i could do an open relationship for like my first official relationship i think i still have like a lot of stuff to learn because i've never been in one so it seems like it would be hard yeah you would really have to like trust i don't know like uh like like for me it worked because my my partner is very um at the beginning i would be like i need lots of reassurance reassurance that you like still want to be with me like um like before you do like hook up with someone else and right after and like there was a lot of communication about it um all the time and now it's more like

um i went to manhattan i got a bagel, I had sex with someone, I came home, I did my laundry, and it's like, yeah. What a life. I love that. It's a hard thing to get in my brain sometimes because I fundamentally know I'm like, there was people before me, there'll be people after me, there could be people during me, and that's all okay.

I do not own this person but guess what i do want to own someone and i don't want them to leave me yeah yeah of course and but then may who knows maybe you'll be like i want to open it you know maybe you'll be like maybe who knows you could be with someone and then yeah i don't think so dating is honestly one of the most horrific things ever because okay so like an acting job acting and dating are one in the same auditions are like dates they don't like me it's not personal they're looking for a different kind of fat black um and then it's like dating it's like i'm looking for a different kind of fat black and i'm like boy oh boy i wish it was me yeah oh yeah why aren't i good enough for you yeah yeah it doesn't feel good cole have you heard

of the league the league no so i had a friend tell me about this dating app called the league you pay like a hundred fucking dollars. Wait, let me, I'll just open it and tell you how much it is. It is so fucking expensive. I couldn't believe it. So there's like a wait list or something. Okay, I joined it. I'm just kidding.

And then there's like a way around it. Okay, so continue. Okay, I hope this doesn't actually set me up for it. Okay. Upgrade your. i'd be so mad upgrade your dating life membership doubles your matches and supports our mission to foster equal or yeah equal equal relationships across the globe this seems i don't know about what does that mean equal relationships equal I don't know what if I'm a sub anyway you skip the wait list there's five daily

happy hour prospects this edit job and education stand out or keep things private this is I don't know for one week a one week membership to this dating app is 99 dollars one month is $99. One month is $299. Wow.

Three months is $399. And then I saw pictures of the people on this app and I was like, God bless, none of you are worth this money. That's too much money. You can get a nice sex worker for that much money and know that exactly you're getting what you need cole you absolutely cannot not for a woman looking for um a man oh okay okay okay i i think i think like not you wouldn't be when i want to be in an open relationship like going back to dating but let's say you're in a relationship you love each other it's been a while there's love there's

trust you're on the road all of a sudden you get a dm from oh yeah that hot guy that fucked me in st louis and i'm gonna be in st louis tonight oh damn i can't i'm in a relationship i mean that would be nice but cole that would imply that i'm fucking people in different cities again just as hard as a dating episode i heard an where you said you were flying somewhere for a hookup you little liar well that was houston i fuck this dude in houston okay okay so I have someone in Houston I thought about flying to Houston to fuck him again um but that did not come to fruition I've I've flown to to have sex with someone I wish I would I would fly myself out to have sex yeah I'm it's always horny I'm also, I was talking about how I don't like vacations.

Flying somewhere with the purpose of like sleeping with someone or like meeting up with someone. That to me makes sense because I'm like, good, I have a task. It'll be nice. I'll enjoy restaurants while I'm there. Stay at a nice hotel. And then, yeah, have sex and then come home. That's perfect. I love this idea of a vacation where it's a sex donation.

A sexcation. A sexcation. Real quick, we got to take a break. I also met someone on Tinder and took them to Paris. What? Once. What? Did you really?

Yeah, I was going to London. Uh-huh. This was one of the two vacations I've taken as an adult. Okay. And I didn't enjoy the first vacation because I was like, I don't know what I'm doing like I just went to places and I was like okay I'm here now what so I was like what if I took someone like with me and I wasn't dating at the time so I was like so I I I went to London I matched with someone we were talking I was, do you want to go to Paris tomorrow? And he was like, yeah, of course.

So then we met up in London. We had sex. I was like, okay. I don't know if this is a good idea. But we went to Paris and it was a nightmare just socially a nightmare that's not what I thought you were gonna say

why was it a nightmare just like we were not compatible and I was so annoyed the whole time. This was when Notre Dame was on fire. Oh, no. And he was like, let's go look at it. And I was like, what? It's on fire.

Why? And then, of course, so I was like, okay, well, I don't know what else to do. So, yeah, let's walk to Notre Dame and look at how it's on fire. And, of course, like thousands of people were gathered around there. So it was like being in Times Square on New Year's Eve. Except looking at a fucking fire. A fire. And it was like, and I saw the crowd and I was like, oh, okay, well, let's not go.

And he was like, no, no, no, let's go through. And it was just, it was a nightmare and so then i think we're supposed to be there like four days or three days and i sent him home i was like oh i have to go home early because of work and i sent him home early and and then i just stayed by myself a couple days yeah how truly wild because it sounds like a rom-com to be like i flew this person out after meeting them we went to paris and it was yeah amazing we ate baguettes and croissants and drink coffee that's what i thought i was gonna get that's what i thought i was gonna get instead he was like do you want to go watch something be burned to the ground yeah and then there was this night where

we were having rest uh food at the restaurant dinner that's what you would call it i guess food at the restaurant during nightfall yeah and he he was like convinced that the waiters were talking about him oh and i was like no they're just speaking french they're using a different language and they're talking about me yeah yeah that's very very funny and uh it was just it was bad bad bad bad he was a ballet dancer though oh sody yaddy yeah oh no sounds like he danced the sense right out of his brain yeah yeah um that is so funny i've never been on a vacation with a significant other because i've never dated anyone long enough after two months they're like i gotta let you go girl

yeah but it seems like a fun time to be like okay okay, this is the person I like, and we're gonna see a different part of the world. Yeah. Yeah. But then you I don't know, do you want to live with I don't want I don't ever want to live with a partner. I don't think I think about it. It would be I think it would be nice to live with a partner. But I would like to have a lot of room. Yeah. In New york i do not think i could do it because exactly you know apartments are small space yeah but it's like if i did in new york we would definitely have to have a two-bedroom yeah plus like a like a like a two-bedroom two-bathroom and maybe like a terrace so i could just like get the fuck away from you. Yeah. In LA, like a house with enough rooms that it's like,

I need to go at least an hour without seeing you. Yeah. Two hours, three hours, a whole day. You gotta leave. I gotta leave. We gotta get out of here. Helena Bonham Carter and what's his name? The director.

The Spooky Uke. They have adjoining houses. Adjoining houses. That to me sounds like heaven. And there's like a little underground passageway. And you decorate it the way you want. Yeah, exactly. I have my house, you have yours. And honestly,

it is a beautiful solution that is completely economical and affordable. Yes, everyone out there, all couples, separate houses adjoining. Yeah. Yeah, come on. And if you don't, what's wrong with you?

Seems crazy. Exactly. I think about those couples that love being together all the time and do everything together, and I'm like, how? I'm just not built that way. No. My partner and I see each other like two nights a week i love that yeah like you really have separate lives and it's like we're

together when we wish to be together yeah as opposed to like we have to be together because we live together right right it's really um it's nice and also also, you know, I don't know. I always hear people say things like, I don't want to die alone. But like, one of you is going to die alone. You know? I mean, technically, we all die alone. We do, yeah. But like, you're yourself dying. You're alone. Yeah. I also don't, I think I don't want anyone in the room when I die. you're alone yeah i also don't i think i don't want anyone in the room when i die are you kidding i'm putting on a production if i'm in the hospital slowly dying bring me my wigs bring me my glitter bring me a microphone i'm having a nice time oh god sounds like hell it's

like i'm gonna perform until i'm dead and you're all gonna stay here and watch me and everyone's like okay i guess we have to she's dying like how long doctor six months six months we can't come to this show for six months it should have closed a week ago also after i'm dead there's gonna be a show because in my will there's a lot of instructions oh are there yes to my nearest and dearest so you can't technically make people do anything it's not legal yeah i have my will sashir has to do a lot of stuff in it and gather a lot of people and dole out all of the things that they have to do okay okay and then here's the one thing that i've talked about publicly because all of it is a secret until I'm dead.

She does have to call a bunch of boys that I fucked to come to my funeral and talk about my pussy. That's all I want. That's genius. Just talk about it. Because so much time has passed. It's like, you don't, there's no love there. It's like, I'm dead.

Just do this one thing for me please yes yes you broke my heart or at least send in a video message yes and tell the people how good my juicy puss was and my butt exactly and your butt please yes cole i have to let you go but this was delightful i truly truly enjoy you i think you're so funny and i love the videos you make and thanks you just bring me joy the feelings mutual by far so so there thank you you're welcome nice okay um usually i ask all my guests this but i forgot it the last two weeks because i'm professional and i've done this for five years um would you date me yes yes have people said no yes

oh yeah they said no okay okay and it's okay everybody has their own thing i mean me personally i would just lie i'd be like absolutely even if i wouldn't take the person of course but i'm a people pleaser of course okay cole uh thank you so much for doing this um thank you wait what do you want to promote tell me oh well i have a podcast coming out with my friend jeffrey self it's called breakfast buffet it's already out i love je Self. It's called Breakfast Buffet. It's already out. I love Jeffrey. It's every Tuesday. It's a fake morning show.

And we play fake morning show hosts. And you can get it wherever you get your podcasts. I love that. And I have a Western special coming out. Probably not till January. So forget it. Cole? Yeah? What's a western special it's um it's uh that's so casually like like you know like a western special

it's a western special it's a fake pilot for a western that that i'm just saying it's a special because i don't know what else you would qualify it as. I love it. See, this is what I like the most about you. That's wild. That's really wild and I'm sure it's going to be so fucking funny. Thanks. We'll see. I'm putting a lot of my own money into it.

Well, I think you're going to reap the benefits of money coming back in terms of jobs or a network buying it for good money. Yeah. I'm putting it into the universe for you. Thanks, Nicole. You're welcome.

If you like this episode of Why Won't You Date Me, you can like, you can rate it, you can subscribe on iTunes, no, on Apple Podcasts or wherever the fuck it's called now. And if you write me something dirty hitting on me to why won't you date me podcast at gmail.com mars my producer will read it she does not want to see any dick pics she also doesn't want to see any pussy pics she also doesn't want to see any fucking blown out starfishes she doesn't want to see your fucking asshole okay this person said so i've written another dirty sonnet it's about one of my favorite things to do on a date sonnet number 10 digit dexterity feasts abound and drinks a plenty above yet a fleeting five finger fiend prowls below incognizant crowds drift around unaware of a menace making a making way toward

a trove oh my god you made this hard this hard. What are you? Shakespeare? Welcomed with the most palpable parting. Impeded. This is where we all learn I can't read. Impeded by lack of silk resistance. Oh my God. What is this word? The recalcitrant. I don't know that word. This is embarrassing. The real, no, the recalc, rascal teases starting titillating the walls of the entrance. Oh, is this about my pussy? The devil's doorbell must be rung before invitation can be bestowed. Slowly. Oh, you're eating me out. Slowly circling the tip like a tongue. Oh, wait, are you? Oh, no, a finger.

You said dexterity. Okay, the at-long list. Entry extracts soft moans. Dining eyes hungrily watch, but none see the climactic digit dexterity. Okay, guys, if you're gonna write me something can you like write it in a way that it was like good for me to read and like easy for me to read that was the hardest thing i've ever had to do in my whole fucking life okay bye bye that's it for why won't you date me with me nicole by. Why Won't You Date Me is produced

and engineered by, oh, the sweetest woman I know, Marissa Melnick. It is executive produced by other wonderful people, Adam Sachs, Joanna Solotaroff, and Jeff Ross. Thanks for listening. I love you. Thank you so much. We'll be seeing you next Friday with a brand new episode. What a treat. What a dream this has been a Team Coco production