Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Open Relationships (w/ Kelly Hudson)

Episode Date: March 6, 2020

"My life's work was dating people."Kelly Hudson (Search Party, Sunnyside, CollegeHumor) left her open-relationship to be with the man she's married to today. She shares her tricky experience dating 4 people at once, her first rules for dating in an open relationship, and what it's like to be on dating apps while married. Plus, Nicole shares her hard stance on feet, and period sex.Need more Nicole Byer? Check out her new podcast - Newcomers! Her and Lauren Lapkus will be watching and reviewing Star Wars films for the very first time. Subscribe today so you don't miss an episode.Rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts and leave a dirty comment for a chance to have it read on-air.Follow Nicole Byer:Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdatesTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerFacebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedyBuy Merch: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/nicole-byer?ref_id=964

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Oh baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single, even though you could throw me out the window and call me a cunt. Even though I would dust myself off and say, I love you.

I would dust myself off and say, I love you. My guest today has a podcast coming out called The Squirt. You've also seen her on, I have your IMDb page. You've seen her on Sunnyside. You've seen her on Search Party. Lonely and Horny. It's Kelly Hudson! Hi, guys. Thanks for having me.

Thank you for doing this. Oh my god, I got so nervous when you started to read off of my IMDb. Why? I was like, oh no, is it gonna be a bunch of college humor videos from ten years ago? No, I started at the most recent. Yes! But it all worked out. I forgot I was on Sunnyside.

You forgot? Mm-hmm. Oh. It was very recent. And in my head, I was like, oh, it wouldn't have been added yet. Well, it was. It was. Someone is real quick on your IMDb.

Those NBC people are, I guess, you know, professionals. They're here for you. Yes, indeed. Kelly, how are you? Ah, I'm good. Thank you so much for having me. Thank you here for you. Yes, indeed. Kelly, how are you? I'm good. Thank you so much for having me. Thank you for doing that. It's hard to feel relevant. That was very real. Since having a child. So I feel like a little out of the scene. Fair. Out of the world of professionals um because i've been a professional mom the last 15 months um but yeah it's great to be here and i'm 15 months yes baby's 15 months old that's when do you start saying years i don't know i think after two you should just do months for the rest of his life. I know. He's 200 months old.

What is it, 206 now? Yeah. He's 206 months old. He is so cute. Thank you. And very well behaved. Yes. I mean, from the small experiences I've had with him.

Yes. Oh, yeah. No, he's great. And he's really good with people. He's, like, today, he's with a babysitter who I've never used before. And she came in and he just like shyly smiled at her immediately. I'm like, oh, you're a doll. Thank you. So cute. Yes. Very lucky mommy. I used to babysit and sometimes I would walk in and the baby would be like excited to see me And the mom would be like, oh, my goodness, he's flirting with you.

I'm like, no, this baby is not flirting with me. Nicole, I fucking hate it when people say that. Isn't it gross? I don't like flirting. I don't like calling a baby's friends, look, he's got a girlfriend. Yeah, it's so fucked up and weird. This is like the ultimate platonic relationship. This is the most platonic relationship this is the most platonic

relationship he'll ever truly he's a fucking baby or like uh uh like when babies have like slightly sexual sayings on their like onesies and you're like oh god yes and basically onesies with anything written on them i hate like they just do a bad job why it's always something real weird that they're trying to have the baby say why do babies wear onesies um okay here's why i realized this um they need like a little button snap at the crotch because basically their shirt will just like bunch up and ride up all the time. Because they're like being picked up. They're wiggling around. They're crawling.

They're, you know, now that he's walking, he can wear like a regular T-shirt. That makes a lot of sense. And it never occurred to me. I was just like, I don't know. I guess we wear leotards until someone decides it's time. Yeah, and then the button snaps, you snap them open, easy access to the diaper change.

There's tons of stuff that's designed around easy access to the diaper change. Gotta get to that diapy when it's full. Yeah, gotta get to it real fast. It's funny, because I would never put my nose to someone's butt just normally yes but when i nannied i would always have this baby's ass to my nose yes just sniffing

are you stinky and we stinky and dirty um it's real funny yeah it is very funny to smell someone's shit at point blank range. Yeah, like you're so close to it. So close you can taste it. Yes, you can really just reach out and taste it. Has he peed in your face yet? He peed in my face. Well, I don't. Yes. Okay.

Yes. He kept peeing on us like during the first few months of his life. Just over and over and over again. Right off the bat. I was like, wow, no one told me about this um frisky frisky little penis um he's just constantly but yeah one time it was like pee all over my face and then like it went all over the blinds oh no i think i got poop on the blinds too one time the blinds are right next to the changing table. Gotta move that changing table. I know.

You can't have poopy blinds. It's not good. It's not good. I've cleaned the blinds so much. Also, no one ever told me that babies get boners. Oh. I mean, I think I had heard. Is this news to you?

Yes. So, maybe this is too much information about my son. Nope. But, like, nope, it isn't. Keep talking. It, okay. So I had heard from a friend like, oh yeah, my son got a boner one time. And I was like, oh, that's insane.

Jonah has a boner all the time. Oh. Like almost every diaper change. Really? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Interesting.

Very interesting. I don't know if he's weird um well i'll tell you something people in the comments will let you know oh i can't wait they'll let you know i can't wait to be dragged across the universe don't talk about your son's boner ever you pervert i mean whatever look at it never look at it when i went nanny i was uh i was always like what am i allowed to look at like is it wrong but i'm like i'm changing its fucking diaper constantly i was like whatever straight at their nutsacks and their buttholes yes and yeah just cleaning poop off of everything. That's great. So you're married. I'm married.

How long have you been married? Almost five years. It's going to be five years this year. And then how long were you together? Dan and I got together with Dan. Dan Klein is my husband. He's very funny. He's funny.

He's pretty funny. He and I got together in 2009. So it's been about 10 years. Oh, wow. Yes. Do you remember who asked who out? Well, Dan and I, the beginning of our relationship was a little dramatic. I was with a guy that I had moved to New York with.

We'd been together almost five years. Then I met Dan Klein oh wow and me and that guy were kind of in like an open relationship and so I kind of I don't know I kind of lived my life like I was constantly on the prowl anyway like um and but you know when i met dan i was like oh he's just a very nice the nicest man i've ever met and arthur meyer i met at the same time i was like how did i meet how did these two wonderful sweet boys get into my life this is the best um and yeah so we went to do you remember improm yes i never went but i saw the pictures okay yeah so improm is just, I never went, but I saw the pictures. Okay, yeah. So improm is just an improvised prom? Yes, Nicole and I were part of a improv community in New York.

Real fucking nerdy shit. Very big time nerdy. And this one venue called the Creek in the Cave, which is now very stand-up-y. Yeah, I feel like it's only stand-up now. It's only stand-up, but when it started out, very improv. Very improv-y. And the owner of the Creek in the Cave threw something called improm, which was just a

bunch of dorky improvisers dressing up. And like Dan asked me to improm like as a friend. Yeah, I was. Yeah, we were like 26, 25 years old. I love it. And then I think I actually ended up making out with Amy Whitehouse that night in front of Dan. Oh. And Dan was like, you're so cool.

Because it kind of was one of those moments where I like, she turned around and I like pulled her. It was cool. And then like after that, we went, we hung out as, you know, we kept hanging out as friends. And then suddenly it was like, oh, my God, I really want to kiss you. And then I told my boyfriend about it. I sound insane. I sound fucking crazy. No, you don't. Okay.

And then I told my boyfriend and I was like, I really like this guy. I kind of want to see him. And he was like, no, we're done with that. And I was like, oops, I'm in love with him, though. And so it was a very slow, slow, slow, painful breakup. And that's wait. So you were in an open relationship and then you were like, I want to see this person. He was like, we're done with being in an open relationship.

Yes. How convenient. Yes. Very convenient. It was it was rocky there at the end. We had just grown apart so convenient. It was rocky there at the end. We had just grown apart so much. I was balls deep in the improv scene. You were going to improm and he was an adult.

Yes. Well, he was like a graduate student at NYU and he had his own balls deepness. So yeah, then Dan and I, I think it was like Halloween night of 2009 that we were officially together. Oh. Do you remember what you were dressed up as? I do. Dan was dressed as a Jonas brother. What?

And I was dressed as ZZ Top. Okay. With my friend Emily. Okay. We were both dressed in beards. And there was like a romantic pulling of the beard down kissing moment oh boy every girl dreamed to have their beard pulled down and kissed oh such a dream that is yeah truly so funny yes yes i love it it's great it's a good part of my history were you ever in an open relationship before that open relationship? No, that guy kind of introduced the idea to me.

And then I realized that that's kind of the kind of person that I am. Like I'm definitely someone that can be attracted to more than one person. I don't know if I'm polyamorous or capable of that. Yeah, I've not really dabbled in being in love with more than one person. It sounds real risky. For me, it sounds exhausting. Oh, yeah. There was a time with me and that ex where I was dating two girls and a guy and my boyfriend.

Wait, what? Yes. It was like my life was people. And you're that's wait, two girls, a guy. That's four people. I was dating four people. That's crazy. It was very fun, but so stupid.

It was like my life's work was like dating people. How did you manage all of like i don't know i just i definitely pissed some people off yeah yeah one of the girls was like fuck you i think she like saw me out with one of the guys and was like oh you can't be at this lesbian party with that fucking guy and i'm and yeah she wanted something more out of the really it was it was um it was really tricky i was such a rascal back then i i mean it's so exciting to hear about i just couldn't fathom it like i've tried to date more than one person at a time and it is so hard to juggle right and then for me it's like complicated to be like I think I like this one more I don't know yeah yeah that is tricky I yeah I mean my first

rule is just honesty right off the bat and like basically if the person will tolerate whatever my situation is I'm like great good if they're not into it i'm like fine bye but yeah i keep reading articles about people in polyamorous relationships like there's this lady who was i think she lives in florida she's like pregnant by her newest boyfriend but then also lives with four other boyfriends oh j, Jesus. And I was like, and you all live together? And you're not, like, constantly fighting a UTI? I mean, she's probably getting fucked constantly, right? Yeah, probably.

And I was like, I mean, what a real treat. Yeah. To have five gentlemen who just love you. It seems neat. It does. It seems a little neat, also terrifying so terrifying and then i'm like how do you have to like court all of these people you have to go through like do they like me do they not like me do they like me until like all five of them like me right and then i

found this other lady on instagram who has a husband and a boyfriend and they all take pictures together and love each other and i was like man i just this is wild yeah and then uh i found an article about this other lady who is married but then has a girlfriend who also lives in the house and the girlfriend takes care of the kids too and i'm like i mean yeah whatever fucking works i know Whatever you can trick people into doing for you. Honestly, though, it did seem more like she was like a maid who gets to fuck. Yes, basically. Like a live-in maid.

Yeah, who you're like, I guess I'll fuck my maid and then send her to her quarters. Wow. Yeah. I mean, we live in a beautiful country. It's fun. Very free country, which is nice. When you and Dan first started dating, when did you make it like you're in a closed relationship? Yes. I'd say. Do you listen to Savage Love at all?

No. You should. People keep telling me I should. Oh, my God, Nicole. I can't listen to podcasts oh sorry why because i i don't i i my you don't want to like get organized and download them ahead of time my brain won't allow me to do it you don't want to sit and listen my brain just won't allow me to do it i can listen to podcasts if i'm driving or if i'm playing a shitty like

brainless game on my phone. I've tried to listen to podcasts while I'm, like, cleaning the house, but then, like, I'm away from the sound, and then I come back, and I'm like, I don't fucking know what they're talking about. Get some AirPods. Or I just, like, zone out, and then I'm like, I don't fucking know what's going on anymore. I do rewind constantly.

All right, so I've been listening to Savage Love forever, And Dan Savage has something called monogamish with his husband. I'd say Dan and I have been monogamous for the most part, but it's always like something we talk about. And that's my fault. That is not him. He's not being like, baby, can I, you know, fuck someone? I'm like, I'm definitely the one being like, baby, can I, you know, fuck someone? I'm like, I'm definitely the one being like, baby. And he's like, okay. Yeah, it's been a challenge because, you know, I think we're very well matched like with everything.

Except I'm one of those people but it's something he accepts and has grown to love hopefully it's something we talk about okay and we definitely were on dating apps at one time for fun like in our marriage oh yeah people thought we were cheating i think i heard that do you remember this yes someone was like someone saw dan on uh tinder and i'm like uh-huh i know i helped him make his fucking profile made the profile for him and i he doesn't know he's on tinder and every time he talks on the phone to a girl i listen excitedly. He calls them? He, the one girl that he ended up dating, he talked on the phone with her to begin with. Ah.

And it was like an exciting like moment of me just like, oh, I'm a proud mommy or something. I don't know. I love it. I don't know what the feeling is that I felt. Yeah. Excitement. Like you're just like, ooh, this is happening. Yes. Yes.

It's happening. Anticipation. Yes. And then after he hooked up with her, I was like, hmm, I think I'm definitely one of those people who can handle this because I was like, I feel very secure. I feel very this is great.

There was like not a drop of jealousy. I'm sure there would be some situation where I'd be like, ugh, like, I don't know. It depends on the girl. Because she was like a rando, I was like, great. And there was no like feelings attached yet. Yeah, exactly. I had no, yeah, I had nothing on her.

When you and Dan first started dating, how many months did it take for you to be like, what? Are we official? What is this? I think it was like pretty much I moved out of my boyfriend's place and I was like I need to be single for a while because that was crazy the relationship I just got out of and Dan was like are you insane and I'm like you're right we were so in love at that point like could not keep our hands off each other oh you know it yeah mid-20s virile so you guys were like official pretty quickly yes very quickly very quickly and i think i fucked up at one point i think i made out with some girl and he was like what the fuck and I was like oopsie sorry I'm sorry Dan couldn't keep my lips to my shell it was

fucked up it was like ah it was really hard I was like this is a big lesson to learn not every guy is like chill with this and he was definitely like shocked and like what the fuck man um and so yeah that was kind of like all right we're exclusive and then it's been very slow over the years even broaching that topic of opening or anything so yeah i like it yeah um Do you remember your first boyfriend or girlfriend? I do. I, wow. I mean, does this count? Okay, so I was 11. 11?

Well, okay. So these nasty girls that I used to hang out with in the neighborhood. I used to hang out with some girls in my neighborhood that were older. Okay. And they were like, we should hook you up with this kid at my school. Let's take some sexy photos of you. They were pimps? Kind of terrifying.

Yeah. They were like 13. Okay. And they took some photos of me. I wish I had these because imagine. Just imagine little tiny baby girl trying to look. Oh, it makes me sick. Because I have like four nieces.

And I know what 11 looks like. This is not good. So they took some pictures of me, showed it to this kid at her school. I think his name was. And. We should probably bleep that name in case he's real. Can we use this bleep? Yes. Okay. Let's use that bleep that name in case he's real. Can we use this bleep? Yes.

Okay, let's use that bleep. So this guy, we started writing notes to each other and just drenching them. I drenched mine in a perfume of my friend's mom called Beautiful. And we would write, I love you. We talked on the phone. Then it was finally time to actually be in the same love you. We talked on the phone. Then it was finally time to like actually be in the same room together. We went to a movie together.

And I don't remember what it was because it was the scariest hour of my life. I was so scared. It was like, I think we were against the wall in the movie theater. And he like kept having his hand out to hold my hand. And I was just like, I'm going to throw up. I'm the most nervous. And just like crawling up the wall. And my friends were there like watching and being like, you really didn't go near him.

And I was like, uh-huh, because I'm so scared. And then I remember he wrote me a poem that was roses are red, violets are blue. I really, really want to. And it said, fuck you. And fuck you was crossed out. And then he said, eat you. And at that point in my life, I had no idea what the fuck that meant. I saw fuck though. And I was real scared.

Wait, how old was he? I think he was like 12 or something. Oh my goodness. He was my, I think maybe one grade. I was in fifth grade he was in sixth grade oh my this is scary this is truly a wild story i think my parents have no idea that this happened well now they know um anyway i lost my virginity just kidding i did not um i broke up with him after that like the note scared me really bad it's not a great note i

want to fuck you and then you cross it out a great note. I want to fuck you. And then you cross it out and go, actually, I just want to eat you out. I had no idea what that was like. Is this a joke? Eat me, huh? Yeah. It's like a Bart Simpson eat my shorts thing. I wonder where he is now.

I don't know. Probably still in the Rio Grande Valley. Where's the Rio Grande Valley? It's in the very bottom tail of Texas, like in the, it's called the Rio Grande Valley. Where's the Rio Grande Valley? It's in the very bottom tail of Texas. It's called the Rio Grande Valley. Rio Grande. Rio Grande? Yes.

I lived for three years in McAllen, Texas as a kid. That was where that was. Well, we have to take a break. Bye. And we're back wow i know what a beautiful beautiful break it was it was such a beautiful break those ads so many good ads don't know what they were um so how many are you are you like a serial monogamous or no, not monogamous, like just serial in a relationship? Yes.

And I would say serial monogamous before that boyfriend and things got shaken up. Yeah. I definitely realized in the past five years that if I had known about sex and love addiction, I would should have gone. Yeah. known about sex and love addiction i would should have gone yeah i'm one of those people it's something i'm coming to terms with i'm one of those people that doesn't that didn't feel like good about myself unless someone liked me you know you know oh yeah i think that's most actors most actors most performers looking for constantly seeking validation totally from strangers total strangers who have no value or influence on your life and thank god like i'm not in the position where that means i have to give them a blow job anymore i've never been a sex worker, but as like a teen girl,

like all I wanted was to get like fall in love. And men took advantage of that a lot, a lot. I gave a ton of blowjobs. But yeah, I was just like, I want to fall in love with someone. And had like, you know, I had, like, two other boyfriends in middle school. And then one boyfriend for a little while in freshman year. And then another boyfriend freshman year. That guy, like, totally broke my heart.

And then I went on, like, a slut rampage after that. Oh. In high school? In high school. Oh. And then I met the guy that I ended up losing my virginity to at church camp. Hell yeah, dude. Praise the Lord and get in my pussy.

And then I kind of was like celibate for a little while. I don't know what that means. It means you were having sex. Yes. It means you lost your virginity and then you went, I'm done with this for a minute. I'm good for a minute. Yeah. I was like, I need to be alone.

And then I finally got together with, finally. It felt like so long of being single. But when I look back, it was like a year and a half of my entire life. And then I got with this other guy and then dated him until I got to... Do you want to keep hearing this? Yes. Do you want me to keep going? Yes.

This is crazy. Like, I'm realizing... You've had a lot of boyfriends. It's terrifying. Yeah, I have never dated a woman long-term before. So I dated that guy, went to college, broke up with him when I realized, like, you can't have a relationship 2,500 miles apart.

Then immediately started dating someone else that was like my big college boyfriend. And then I met the guy that I moved to New York with. I wasn't counting, but it sounds like you've had 10,000 boyfriends. 10,000 fucking boyfriends. I want 10,000 boyfriends.

You deserve them. Actually, I just want one, I just want one. I just want one boyfriend. Just one sweetheart. That's all it takes. Just one little sweetie. Yeah, yeah. And it's hard.

It's so hard to find a sweetheart. It's very hard. Yeah. I think I just had low standards, you know? Much lower standards, for sure. And was willing to take a lot more crap because yeah I mean thinking back some of these relationships weren't great you know yeah but I feel like that is just your early 20s or like any first relationships you have are kind of be

like they're gonna be bumpy and yeah not great because you have to learn how to deal with people. It's hard. Yes. I learned a lot from these crazy, crazy, crazy idiots. It sucks because, yeah, part of me wishes I had not become sexually active for a long time because I just learned so many things. I learned about boundaries. Yeah. I learned about how to say no when I didn't want to do something.

I learned so much. It's crazy. Yeah. It's weird that they don't like sex education in this country is so bonkers to me. Right. I feel like in school I just learned that like sex is a thing that you shouldn't have. It's bad. Don't do it. But it's like okay guys

here's what sex is and here's how you say no. You can do one part of sex and not this part of sex. If he comes too quick he can fucking do something else. Like they don't tell you things. Nobody tells you that. It's crazy.

Yeah. It's Dan Savage, man. He's really taught me so much about all that shit. Like, I feel like my son, I'm going to have him listen because not only is he great. He goes to kindergarten and he's like, guess what I learned,

Mrs. Smith? I learned no means no. No means no. And be good giving in game to your partners. GGG. Yeah, it's just, yeah, there's so much about, like, how to treat women. Yes, the, like, just doing stuff other than sex. Like, at a certain point, I was like, well, you can't not have penetrative sex every time.

And there's so many other things. Yeah. There's so many other things you can do. Yeah. Doesn't depend on P in the V. No. Sometimes P can go in the M or the A. Or the.

H. H. Hand. The hand. Or B knee. B. BK. Back of the knee. Just bend that knee and fuck right there.

The C of the E, the crease of the elbow. Or B, T, between toes. Yeah. The AP, the armpit. Ooh, between the toes. How does that work? You just spread those little toes. Have does that work? You just spread those little toes. Have you done that? No. Have you done that?

No, I don't like feet. Feet things. I don't think I could ever date someone with like a foot fetish. I don't want you touching my fucking feet. Yeah, yeah. I barely like getting a pedicure, but I get a pedicure because I love looking at polished toes. Yes, yeah.

So you don't like being touched. Like you don't like a massage on your calf or whatever. My calf maybe. Yeah. But I would never let someone massage my feet. It's just, is it too sensitive or you're just like, don't touch me down there. Don't touch my fucking feet. Don't touch me below the ankles.

Gotcha. Gotcha. I just, the thought of it really makes me feel insane. I wonder why. Just imagining someone touching my feet, who I loved. Because feet are not for people you love. Feet are for someone you pay to touch them. Total.

I mean, I feel like that's how I used to feel about my vagina, though. I was like, get your face away from my vagina. Oh, I love slamming someone's face right into my pussy. That is so, that's so healthy. Well, because I'm like, you're lucky to be here. Eat it. Yes. See, that's, yeah.

I wish I was single with that perspective. So in a way, you're very lucky. Yeah, I'm pretty vocal about like people going down on me. That's great. Because that's what I enjoy. Yeah. And if I'm going to fuck you, I better come. I'm not here for the...

It's part of the deal. I'm not here just to please you. But then sometimes I am just there to please you. Like sometimes I'm like, I'll just give you a blowjob and be done with you. Yeah. But then sometimes I am just there to please you. Like sometimes I'm like, I'll just give you a blowjob and be done with it. Yeah. And that's like exciting for you?

Sometimes, yeah. Interesting. If I like someone enough, I'll want to please them. And if like I'm on my period, I've never had sex on my period. I was with a dude on and off for a very long time

who just like wouldn't do it. So then I was like, well, okay, I would like to have a sexual experience. I'll give you a blowjob. Right. Gotcha. Yeah. I mean, I can't really fault people for not being into sex on periods. I mean, yeah.

It's like you're jamming your dick into a bloody hole. Yeah. To me, it's kind of hot and it's like no it's wetter than usual but it's like kind of horrifying yeah it's wet from blood i just the thought of like someone pulling their dick out and then me being like it's covered in blood yes i think that's terrifying i've seen it i've seen i've had sex on my period and i've seen it and it's horrifying. And I think I took a picture of it once because I was so like, wow, this is something. This is something! Also, sometimes your period blood is like chunky.

Yes. Yeah. No, it's disgusting. I don't know if it's for me. Yeah. But you know, maybe I'll be in a relationship with somebody who's like, I love having chunks on my dick. See, that's, yeah, some guys are real into it. All right.

And they want to, like, go down on it. They want to get covered in blood. Their faces. Yeah. I don't, that's not for me. Period blood to me smells like wet panties. Yeah. It's not a good scent.

Yeah. It's not meant to be imbibed. No. Yeah. And I'm just like, I think even for me me i'm like i don't i don't really want to be down there on my period so like why would you want to be down there it's waste it's bites your body it's your body's waste i hate getting my period it's literally the bane of i because i i don't track it well yeah i like try to put in my little period tracker so i try to know when

it's coming but like it's always a surprise. Yeah. Whenever I'm like moody, I'm like, I think I'm having a midlife crisis. I totally. Well, I feel good. I finally got on top of it because I had. Well, I went without my period because I was pregnant. Does it stop when you're pregnant?

Yes. I totally forgot. Yes, yes, yes. Your period stops when you're pregnant. That's how you know you're pregnant? Yes. Whoa. I totally forgot. Kelly. Yes, yes, yes. Your period stops when you're pregnant. That's how you know you're pregnant. Yes, yes, yes. I forgot.

So then after but then after you have a baby it's also stopped for a while because I think it really depends because some people start menstruating again right off the bat but I like when my milk ran low because I breastfed for a while when the milk ran low the period kind of waned and then it came back though full force after I stopped breastfeeding entirely and on top

of like having some postpartum depression with stopping breastfeeding, like the hormonal shift. I was also having my first PMS in like a year and a half. And I was blindsided and I thought something was very wrong with me, which I think it was. Like I went to my psychiatrist. I was like, I need to be back on medicine now. And I did. And I'm like on a low dose of what I used to be on. But it's like I had to get over that hump. And then I realized with the timing of my period, oh, that was PMS. And then I got real into tracking it. And I got this app where like you can kind of type in like today I feel moody. So next month I have, like, a clue. Oh. Because I really want to prevent that, like, everyone hates me feeling and being like, I mean, I can't prevent that. I will get that every month.

I will get that. But, like, I just want to know that I'm not going crazy. Yeah, every month I fully go, I don't know, I think I'm dying. Yeah. My body hurts. Everyone hates me. I'm stupid it really is

crazy I should walk into traffic yeah and just end it all and then my period will come and I'll go oh oops

that's why I feel fucking insane yes what so fucking unfair it really is and we just go yeah we just have to get it

it's so dumb that you can't just like turn it on, turn on your reproductive system when you need it. Oh my God, what a treat that would be to just like stick a key in my side, turn it on and be like, I'm ready for a baby. No, we're not getting pregnant this month. Don't get ready. Don't get ready. Don't start making a baby house. No one said anything. Nobody wants a baby here. No one said anything. Nobody wants a baby here.

No. It's so crazy. Getting pregnant, by the way, is nuts to be finally like, I am trying to have a baby. Oh. Do you know what I mean? Like, after years of birth control, being super careful, having all kinds of scares. Mm-hmm. And now you're like,'re like alright let's raw dog

and I won't take a single thing shoot it at me shoot it at me I basically have not let a guy come at me since college because one time that happened and like I remember the rest of the day it was just pouring out of me

that's yeah that's like one of the reasons why I won't let anyone come to me so I'm like another reason is I'm not on birth control but listen I'm never getting pregnant yes please don't I just don't think I will really yeah but you do you know that you have a working system? Yeah. Last time I went to the gynecologist, nobody's ever been like, your shit's broken. But you're not on birth control. No.

It's possible, babe. I don't think so. Okay. I really don't think so. I fucked someone on and off for three years with no condom and I never got pregnant. I can't believe, same, my whole life, I can't believe that I never got pregnant. And then I was convinced that my shit was broken I was like because I've there's been too many close calls but your oven's just fine my oven that baby totally it cooked it up right away um but yeah I don't remember what I was

saying getting pregnant trying to have a baby is crazy it's crazy yeah to have it but yes I never let anyone come I mean if you wear, I never let anyone come in me. I mean, if you wear a condom, you can come in me because you're coming in the condom. Yes, and then you throw the little bag away. Just throw it away. Throw it away. Condoms are so weird. They are so strange.

Just the baggages. Yes. It's so funny to just be like, here's my little bag. Tie it off. It's like a little dog shit bag or something. You have a dog. You know what I'm talking about. It is a dog shit bag. You do have to tie it off. Otherwise what I'm talking about. It is a dog shit bag.

You do have to tie it off otherwise you're going to have jizz all over your garbage. You can't have jizzy garbage. Yeah. Disgusting. I guess I've never inspected a dick

after like they come because you kind of just lay there for a little bit. But I'm like, is there like jizz residue all over your dick? From what I've observed, yeah. When they have a I've observed, yeah.

When they have a condom on, yeah. It like kind of spills over the side and I wish you could see my hand. I guess I just truly have not been paying attention after people come.

Because I'm like, did you just like pull off a condom and do your jizzy dick and we're just laying there while you jizzy dick? Yeah, I would hope you would like wipe it off. Maybe they wipe it off.

I usually go to the bathroom like a little bit after, like, you know, because I don't want a UTI or whatever. Maybe if he's some nasty boy, he's just wiping it on his covers or like he's got his little jizz sock that he wiped it on. A little jizz sock? Are you hooking up with people these days like have you been to like a man's house yes am i recently like what are men's because i haven't like slept around in a while what are men's houses still horrible like they were when i was in my early 20s honestly when you sleep with older guys, more men have bed frames,

which is really nice. Yes, a bed frame. And their sheets are like, they smell kind of clean. You're like, all right, so we're washing these. Right, right. Yeah, I would say it's like a real nice improvement in the last couple of years.

Yeah. Although, this is a while ago i did fuck a dude who had a mattress on the floor and a red light for his iguana and he told me he liked donald trump oh my god three and we sat in his lukewarm hot tub that is awful and he lived so far in the valley but i drove so far it's a a horror movie. And I was like, I have to. You have to do it. I have to fuck you. Sorry, I just have to warm up my eyes a little.

It's not really warm. Well, he knew I was coming. I was like, I'll be there in like an hour. He should have turned it on then. Yes, then. I don't know when he fucking turned it on. And then there was another guy who also lived deep in the fucking valley. Had too much carpeting in his apartment, but like not his fault.

But like he chose it. So like his fault. And then he had just like a lot of guitars on the wall. And I was like, do you play? And he was like, no. And I was like, so this is a design aesthetic. Do you think you live in the hard rock fucking the hard rock hotel? Were they an important hard Rock Cafe? You mean?

Is there a Hard Rock Hotel? There was. It closed today. What? You better believe there was a Hard Rock Hotel in Las Vegas. Wow. And I just stayed there

because I hosted the gay porn awards that were in the Hard Rock Hotel. You hosted the gay porn awards? Hell yeah, dude. That is incredible. It really was a fucking dream. Can anyone go

to those or do you have to be invited? I think you could buy a ticket. You can attend. I think you can attend. My friend Mano came with me and my other friend Amy was in town so she came. That sounds fun. It was very fun. I had a really good time and I was like, please let me come

back. Oh my God. Was it, is it gay men or just cover lesbians or no? Just gay men. It was just gay men. I wonder why. Yeah. The lesbian porn industry isn't really my observance on Pornhub or whatever. It seems like it's just sort of on the side.

Like it's kind of like there isn't a whole world around it it's yeah less of a genre it's very hard to find lesbian porn that looks genuine that looks like real lesbians having sex it's usually like a lady who's like i'm just gonna hook up with a girl for today yes and I have very long fingernails that I'm going to shove up her pussy, which is horrifying. You've got long fingernails. I guess you're not going to be hooking up with a lady anytime soon. But these are vagina-friendly. Yeah, somewhat.

If you don't go too far, you don't want to, like, pierce her. Cervix? Cervix. I mean, honestly, that's all I'm trying to do is pierce someone's cervix I say hi hello you want to come home with me I want to give you a new piercing inside of you yeah I think these are

lady friendly good yeah yeah I think be careful just be careful I don't know what you're doing with those you know what you're doing with those I think so do know what you're doing with those. I think so. Do you always have long nails? For the last couple years, I've had long nails. And you love it?

I do. When I take them off, I feel like my fingers look like stubs, which is stupid because I have very long fingers. Right. I have piano fingers. That's what my mother would call them. Oh, really? Yeah, they're good for playing piano. Yeah.

I bet you can play guitar well, too. Chords. Maybe. Do you play an instrument? I can play just the melody of My Heart Will Go On on piano. Really? Yeah. Do, do, do, do, do.

Yeah, without the chords. For some reason, because you've mentioned before on your podcast that you haven't watched a lot of movies have you in my head I was like I wonder if she's seen Titanic because Dan

I love Titanic you love Titanic? it's a great movie Dan had not seen Titanic until this like past year what? and he actually

loved it it's a great movie I was I was actually amazed at how well it held up. Because like half of the movie, you're just like on the edge of your seat with people dying and insanity going down. It's a good movie. It is a good movie.

My favorite movie is Ghost. And it's playing in a theater. Are you seeing this? On February 25th. And I'm so excited. I've already bought my ticket. Dude, I should go. Like, I was obsessed with that movie as a kid. Really? Go. I've already bought my ticket. Dude, I should go. I was obsessed with that movie as a kid.

Really? Go. I've never seen it in a theater, but I fucking love it. I haven't seen it in years either. So I'm going to have to find someone to take with me. Oh my God. A boy who's going to be like, I have to sit through Ghost.

Maybe you love me. I feel like Ghost is good though. It's a perfect movie. There's a love story. I feel like Ghost is good, though. It's a perfect movie. There's a love story. There's comic relief. You got Whoopi Goldberg. I mean, Whoopi Goldberg. She's so funny.

Patrick Swayze. No one else in it is funny. You are correct. I called it a comedy, and someone was like, it's not a comedy. And I was like, well, I'd be tee-hee-hee-ing, so I truly think it is. Did you watch it as a little kid? Yes. Okay.

Did it terrify you when the guy was dragged to hell? Yes, it did. Oh, my God. Do you want to know what that sound is? Is that the sound of the demons dragging him down? Yeah, but it's crying children that they just slowed down. No. Uh-huh.

Oh, you mean, oh, no. Yeah, the... It's like crying babies or something. Brilliant sound design. Isn't that wild? I would have never thought to do that, and that scares me so bad. Yeah, that's a fucking twisted person who's like, yeah, let's let all these babies cry. Wow.

Let's see how fucking scary that is. I fucking love it. Yeah, that is one of the scariest things I've ever seen. And, like, I didn't see that actor for a while, the one that gets dragged to hell. Willie Lopez? I guess... Or Tony Goldwyn? Tony Goldwyn. Who plays Carl. scene and like i didn't see that actor for a while the one that gets dragged to hell willie lopez or tony goldwyn tony gold is he plays carl yes carl so he uh i randomly um okay so i've i rented something from rent the runway and you know how they have you ever rented a run no but i know what it is so they'll like people will post pictures of themselves in the outfit so you can see what it looks like on a real body.

And one of the pictures was a woman posing with him at a party. And I was like, oh my God. How wild to post that picture. I know. She's like, I need everyone to know that I know Tony Goldwyn and I rented a dress to meet him. Yes. That's very funny.

I once saw him at an airport and I like instantly creamed my pants. I was like, oh, it's Carl. He's so bad. He's very funny. I once saw him at an airport and I like instantly creamed my pants. I was like, oh, it's Carl. He's so bad. He's a bad man. I love him. He's so hot. I actually don't even remember what the concept, like, did he have Patrick Swayze murdered or something?

Like, what happened? He was embezzling money with like these like mobsters or whatever. And he needed, he put the money in an account that Patrick Swayze was managing. So he needed his codes were in a little book. So he hired Willie Lopez to steal the codes from Patrick Swayze when he was coming home from a play. I think it was Macbeth with Demi Moore,

AKA Molly. Right. And they have like a terse conversation and then she like clocks Willie Lopez and then Willie tries to take the book from him and then ends up shooting him and he didn't mean to kill him he just he was like I just want you to steal the book and you fucking kill them

so then see I basically asked that question to determine whether the guy deserved to go to hell and I don't think he did he just got mixed up with the wrong people then carl was like so he tried to like get at molly a little bit he also tried hooking up with molly yeah which isn't like cool you can't do that if your friend fucking dies no that's true moving on his bitch so yes cool off so that's hell worthy for you? I mean, I don't want to pass judgment on anybody.

Me neither. I don't think hell. I don't believe in hell. I don't know what I believe in. Yeah, me neither. I just hope that like when I die, it's done. You know, I'm tired right now. Right.

And the thought of like existing in another plane makes me even more exhausted. I've heard you say that, that life is long. Life is so long. I was watching have you seen the, sorry, this is not a show called Talk About Movies. It's okay. But I was just watching the movie Magnolia.

Never seen it. It's a pretty good movie. Tom Cruise? It is extremely long. Yes, Tom Cruise. Penelope Cruz? Penelope Cruz, no. Okay. Not Penelope Cruz. No Penelope Cruz? It's Okay. Not Penelope Cruz. No Penelope Cruz? It's a Paul Thomas Anderson. It's got Philip Seymour Hoffman.

It's got Tom Cruise. It's got some greats. So in this movie, one of the characters, he's an old man on his deathbed, and he has like a big old monologue about regret. And he says, life isn't short it's long it's so long and i was like i'm thinking of nicole right now i'll say that on my death but i'll be like i can't believe it was so long fucking long it is people are like life is too short i'm like what the fuck are you talking about yeah no i agree

that it's long but i have like always struggled with consciousness like i'm afraid of death because i don't want to be dead but i can't imagine what death is but being alive forever is horrifying uh so recently i've kind of adapted a like a what is it called when you're reborn? A phoenix rises from the ashes after rebirth, afterlife, second life. It's what Buddhists believe in. Reincarnation. Thank you. thank you i've started thinking about reincarnation and it doesn't bother me as much because i think the idea is there that your soul like gets a good long rest oh okay and then you're

ready for like round two as a baby what if you come back as like a bumblebee i don't think you do oh i think that well from what never mind i don't want to i don't know enough about buddhism at all guess what people in the comments will correct you go for it please god but from what i've uh seen and read about like humans come back as humans you kind of stick to your species but who knows there's no order that's this could be total bullshit i mean i guess i could come back but if i come back i don't want to live in America. I want to live in a different country. That'd be fun. And I want to know a different language. Me too. Definitely. Yeah, definitely. If I come back, I want to be

Moroccan. Yeah. Or live on the Seychelles Islands. Seychelles? Seychelles. Seychelles Islands? I think it's Seychelles. Or Egyptian. Yeah. I want to be over there. And I wonder if we come back, if we'll be in the future. Or if we'll be in the past. Because time is a flat circle. I have to come back in the future. I don't want to be like over there. And I wonder if we come back if we'll be in the future or if we'll be in the past. Like this time is a flat circle.

I have to come back in the future. I don't want to be in the past. Yeah. Yeah, that would suck. Ride a horse and buggy? Get out of here. Yeah, but what if you're a guy? Then you'll get.

Then I'll ride the horse and buggy. A lot of fun. Then I'll ride the horse and buggy. That'll be fun as a man. Yeah, my dick just bumping along. Boom, ba-bum, ba-boom, ba-bomb. If I was a boy, I would stick my dick in everything. I know I would.

Oh, me too. I think it'd be a lot of fun. I, as an experimental teen who wanted to have an orgasm, I kind of went around the house sticking shit up my butt. Sure. I didn't really get the whole how orgasms work until for a while. I mean, I didn't understand that it was like a rubbing thing and not like a shove stuff up your vagina thing. Well, for some women, they can come with stuff shoved up their vagina.

I think so. Yeah. But not like a toothbrush wand. No. Yeah. You're one of those people that can like get the G-spot. Well, because I have a G-spot vibrator. Ooh!

I want to try that. I have many G-spot vibrators. That's exciting. I have a whole drawer. And yesterday I opened it and I was like, it's getting full. I can't have a second sex toy drawer. That's too embarrassing. That's too much.

Why don't you... Donate them to a lady in need. Are they battery operated? Most of them are. Do you have a rechargeable? There's a couple rechargeables. I have a favorite. I see they're all rechargeable except for one.

Oh, okay. My favorite one. Yeah, I feel like the rechargeable is the way to go. Because I've had mine for like seven to eight years now. I think I just splurged one day and was like, I'm going to spend. Jimmy Jane. Is that a company? I mean, maybe.

I think it's a company. I went to like Toys and Babeland or whatever in Manhattan. That's where I got my favorite vibrator from. And I saw this beautiful vibrator on display and it was like $125 or something. And I was like, I deserve this. I'm so sick of fucking AA batteries rolling around my house. Just like dirty in the like bedside table drawer. Just like, I don't know why.

I was just, I've always been bad with batteries, like used ones to stick around. I mean, yeah. Right now when you open my drawer, it rattles a little bit because there's old batteries yes and then i do a thing where i don't throw them away because i'll mix up batteries like i'll take one out and put an old one in and be like yeah it works again desperate desperate i just need to come desperate fiends oh yeah i've never felt more like a drug addict when I need to come. Yeah. And something's not charged. Always very horny. Yeah.

I got to charge that shit up. But yeah, it's like it's shaped in like sort of like a bowling pin almost. It's kind of like a ball shape at the bottom and then it comes up into like a dick. But it's not big. And I very rarely use it for penetration. Oh. I just kind of use it as a vibrator. It rolls. I use my Hitachi Magic Wand.

Oh, my God. You have one of those? I fucking love it. Oh, my God. The first time I used it, I audibly was like, wow. Wow. It's great. Calmly like, wow.

I love my Hitachi Magic Wand. I love my G-Spot vibrator. I love my Tracy's Dog, which is a clitoral sucker and G-Spot vibrator. I think I heard you mention that once. That's terrifying. Yeah. It's wild. Is it good?

I love it. Okay. One review from a friend said, it's too dang strong. I might, it might be too much for me. But hurt me. Yeah. Hurt me. Hurt me.

Be real. Rough on my bits have you ever gotten to the point where you're like oh something happened and my clit is like sore and like fucked up yes i hate it when that happens yeah i'm like oh i just have to leave it alone for a few days and it heals up but it's scary it does heal up it is a little scary because you're like it's so sensitive and it like hurts yes yeah i once had a dude he like the only way i can describe this is fingered me like he was pressing an elevator button and it's like and he was just trying to get that door to close before the person he hates gets on like just like with a thumb yeah kind of thing like just with too many fingers too.

And it like, it got to a point where I was like, ow! You're like, don't hurt me, but like, you are hurting me. Jesus Christ.

And he was like, what? And I was like, can you not? Don't say what? Ew! He was also disgusting. What?

I'm gonna kill you. This is a fucking appetizer to your death. Yes, exactly. Ugh. And then he had the smallest dick and i mean i've gotten messages from people being like please don't dick shame but like i'm a size queen sorry about it you like a big cock like a big old dick and uh his was tiny and he was like fucking me from behind and i kept sliding out because i got a fat ass and he was like you have to get on top and I was like no I'm not doing any work for this wow that guy Jesus well I'm glad you I'm just

imagining myself in that position and I would have been like I'm so sorry of course hon I'm just that's good sorry that's very good um I don't want to piss people off. I ask most of my guests this. I can't say all because I keep forgetting. But would you date me? What? Would? Okay.

That is. I think that. She's doing a lot of posing. I was ready for this question. But I think. Yes. But like, would you date me? I date you you would i think you're very cool chill and fun thank you good we've never like hung out you know not one-on-one like we've

mostly just like parties yes parties we went to dan uh didn't we go to Dan's wedding we did go to Dan Black's wedding yeah that was a fun wedding it was did we share a hotel room no we were at the same wait

we were just at the same hotel yeah no we did me you and you me Dan and Langen Veronica oh no Veronica yeah she wore the smallest dress

I've ever seen on a human being to that wedding it was like the Jennifer Lopez dress yep it was like the Jennifer Lopez dress yep it was like a nude illusion dress and she was like should I wear this

and I was like I mean of course I think I have like 80 pictures of her in that dress same I think I posted

one on my Instagram because I was like I can't believe she wore this to a wedding this is unbelievable she looked great she did look

phenomenal she could pull it off she's so pretty but yes I would date you thank yes, I would date you. Thank you. Yes, I would date you. I think we would have a lot of fun. I think so, too.

Yeah. It would be really fun. Well, we've come to the end. Okay. Do you have anything you want to promote? Yes. Oh, are you not showing people your, like, tender profile anymore? No.

Did you give up on it? Well, because people, I got a couple comments that was like, this is redundant. You're not changing it. Gotcha. So I was like, if I don't change it,

I guess I shouldn't show it. Have you thought about changing it? No. No, it is what it is. Wait, I think you recently said you were going to get off Raya. I did get off Raya.

Good. Got back on Raya because Channing Tatum's on Raya. Oh, fuck. Trying to meet him. That would be interesting. Oh, boy. Yeah. Wouldn't that be fun if I dated Channing Tatum?

It would be so fun. I'd be like, oh, my God, my boyfriend looks like a hot potato. Yes, he does look like a potato. Okay. I would like to promote me and my friend, Bridie Elliott have a new podcast called the squirt, which is going to debut soon. I'd also like to promote my old podcast.

Make me like it, which has like 91 episodes. Check it out there. It's a very good show. It takes a lot of work, so we can't really do it anymore now that I have a baby. But I just want to say hello, and I miss you, and I love you, if there is any listener crossover. And I guess that's

it. You know, I don't really have anything else going on. Check out my Hotels.com commercial. Hell yeah, dude! Hotels.com! Yep, Captain Obvious. Well, if you like this episode, you can subscribe. You can like it on iTunes.

And if you send me a dirty message, I will read it. This says, Nicole, I want to take all the dirty panties from when you have yeast infections. And put them in a jar with fruit and make a pungent moonshine out of it. Oh my God. I'm going to throw up. Drink it while you pile, drink it with you and pile drive your punani

until we puke from drinking too much yeasty moonshine. Gotta say, that one is worse than when a man asked to flip me upside down and fill me with clam chowder. That was awful. A different person said the clam chowder thing? Yes. Holy shit.

God, that was awful. Oh my God. Let's see if I can find another one. I want to burn my panties when I have a yeast infection. Oh, this is not a nasty message, but this is a message I got from someone on Hinge. I have one of the prompts is like, who would you have dinner with? And I said, the Minions.

Because I love them. You do? For real? I do. That's not a joke. No, I made Sasheer watch the Minions on the plane because I kept telling her how great the movie was. And instead of watching my own movie, I watched her watch watch the movie and when she didn't laugh at parts i laughed at i tap her and go why didn't you like a holy insane person oh my god so this person said cc

nick weiger because nick weiger loves the minions too so i said i guess you like the doughboys he goes uh yeah the nicole byer episodes i't know. It would have been smoother to pretend like I didn't know who you were. And I debated that for a second. And then I was like, that's OK. I'd rather people say it sooner than later. It's a weird thing. And then he never responded back. Oh, come on.

He just wanted me to know that he listens to podcasts. And that's it. But I'm like, don't do that on a dating app. That's very stupid. Find me somewhere in Los Angeles while I'm like don't do that on a dating app that's very stupid find me somewhere in Los Angeles while I'm eating and tell me

that's so dumb not while I'm trying to get fucked yes yeah don't compliment compliment me

unless you wanna fuck me that adds a whole other layer of frustration yes being well known Jesus fucking Christ to be mildly successful successful it's my cross to

bear all right thank you kelly thank you bye This has been a Team Coco production.