Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Owning Your Sexuality (w/ Margaret Cho)

Episode Date: January 29, 2021

Comedian Margaret Cho (The Masked Singer, All-American Girl) and Nicole chat about claiming your right to talk about sexuality, her experience coming out as queer, learning Japanese bondage, and how she's practicing being a dominatrix. Plus, Nicole's worried she's talking to bots on dating apps. Check out After Hours with Margaret Cho live Feb 14th. Black Lives Matter. For a list of resources and ways to help, go to blacklivesmatters.carrd.co. Follow Nicole Byer: Twitter: @nicolebyer Instagram: @nicolebyer Facebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedy

Oh, baby, what did you know? I'm doing a live episode, a live virtual episode. So we're keeping it safe of why won't you date me? I am doing this Friday, February 12th, which is my sister's birthday. Isn't that a treat for her? So you can watch it at 9 p.m. Eastern Standard Time or 6 p.m. Pacific Standard Time. And guess what? It's going to stay up for seven days after the 12th.

So you can purchase it and watch it for the seven days after the 12th. It expires at 11.59 p.m. on February 19th. It is $10, $10.50. The link is in my bio on Instagram, my bio on Twitter. It's on my website. NicoleBeyerWasTaken.com. I hope to see you there. And as for a guest, who knows?

I'm kidding. I'll announce it soon. I don't know yet. It'll be fun. Okay. Yay! Yay! Why won't you date me?

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Why won't you date me? Welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me, a podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single, even though you could remove all the pens from my house. And I would say, I guess I never needed to write in the first place. My guest today is a five-time Grammy and Emmy-nominated comedian currently starring on Netflix first animated movie Over the Moon has appeared

in NBC's long running drama series Law and Order SVU and stunned America by singing through the wildly popular breakout hit show The Masked Singer also starred in one of my favorite shows American Girl Margaret Cho

yay hi thank you, hi, hi. Hi. Thank you so much for doing this. Thank you. I'm such a fan. This is exciting. Oh, thank you. You're amazing. I'm a huge fan. You're amazing. Oh, I got the name of the show fucking wrong. It's all American Girl. Yeah, you know, it's the same thing. Fucked it right up. I guess I'm not a big fan. No, I watched it when I was younger and it was, I would say powerful is a weird word, but like you were, I don't think you were like a different body size than anybody in my head,

but I feel like I read a bunch of shit about how people are like, you're too big. Right. Yeah. But like you were just a healthy looking woman who didn't look like everybody else on television. And it was so funny. Thank you. It was, I think, a shock because they had never had Asians on TV

until that point, really. And so I think that's what it was, is that we were just so used to also the stereotype of Asian women being like these like tiny, quiet creatures, which I'm really not. I'm like a giant yeti of an Asian woman. Like I'm so loud and hairy and really tall. I drank a lot of milk, I think. So I'm like really tall for an Asian woman.

But it was a very, it was a weird time. And also in the 90s, you must have been a tiny little baby. You're watching TV. I'm older than you think. I don't know. I remember being old enough to like comprehend. I think maybe I was like 10. Okay.

Okay. 11. I don't know. Yeah. A little, but like, you know, could watch like people on TV and sort of, when I was watching TV when I was 10, I still understood everything. And it was very adult TV, like Love Boat and Three's Company, which was very adult. So I could still kind of comprehend it, even though I didn't entirely know,

but I felt like very sophisticated. I felt very erudite as a 10 year old yeah I thought my taste was like I was like I have exquisite taste this show is for me it is so funny I love it yes I love it I just I appreciate it was just someone who looked different being as loud as I was to like recognize that and and see it and enjoy it you know like I get so much joy from watching comedians and like you know just because there was like so few women out there when I started so now there's just so many more I mean there's still not enough but it's just nice like uh when i was doing shows sometimes i'd arrive at like you know a club and there'd be i would be the only woman on the lineup or there'd be one other and i was

like how it's 2019 feels so long ago feels so long ago it's so weird but it's like such a thing of like women are not encouraged to be funny i think it's something to do with that we're just too threatening to men or something i don't know it's weird because there was like queens and women in power back in the day and then i feel like men gaslit the world into being like no we're in charge and everyone's like oh okay i guess you're in charge now and then and then now we're like wait what no that doesn't make any sense i feel like that's what happened i don't know but my favorite comedians are like you and michelle buteau and ali wong and i mean they're mostly women it's always women's point of view that i'm looking for and looking towards like

wanda sykes she blows my mind she's so smart and so funny and so few words for every joke like she really gets her point across it's like haiku almost you know it's really tight and i'm really like envious of that like somebody who can write with very few words or less exposition that's a real skill we're still the minority in comedy we're still there's so few but we're good yeah we're good what's your dog's name this is Lucia Caterina. Oh, Lucia Caterina. Is that a chihuahua? Yes. She is like a chihuahua and a Dalmatian mix.

She's a rescue. So she's like, I did her wisdom panel. Wait, what is this? What is a wisdom panel? It's like the 23andMe for dogs. Oh. And they do a little DNA swab. And then you send it in

and they say what the dog is. And so she's half Chihuahua, half Dalmatian, which I was like, but she's real long. So then maybe that's what it is because you get 33% more Chihuahua than normal

because usually they're kind of short. But she is really, I'm so glad I have her. I mean mean it's so weird to not do shows like I don't even know who I am or what I'm doing yeah it feels very strange in the beginning of the pandemic I was like well maybe I don't need to do stand-up anymore maybe I'm fulfilled doing other things and then I was like oh this is like a like a defense mechanism to yeah say something like that to be like, oh, I don't need it. Whatever. I can't do it. So I don't need it. But I fully understand that. I was like, I need it. I miss it. I did a couple of shows at the end of last year and was like that five, 10 minutes I was on stage truly felt heavenly.

Yeah. I mean, it's really that's it's something that we need to do to live it's not just a job you know because with comedy like you know we'll just do it for free like it's not like other jobs where and you know you have a huge career outside of doing stand-up comedy so it's like it's not like we have to do it but it's it's more that like we have to do it for our heart and our soul yeah i'll spend like a very long day on set and then still go do a show that pays me ten dollars because i i need to like i just need to do or a free show because it just feels good to be like i spend all day saying other people's words or being told i can't say this or whatever because you know people have to make a tv. They have to do what the vision is.

And then it's like, oh, I get to get on stage and be fully myself with the things that I want. And that's really important. And I think that, you know, mentally, health wise, it's just been very damaging for all comedians. I mean, I still do a lot of Zoom shows and I'm doing one live streaming event on Valentine's Day called After Hours with Margaret, which is like, you know, talking about sex online, you know, to people to streaming. So just good like a cam girl and be like a cam girl. I'm so into it. But it's like, you know, there's something about the physical intimacy of being with other bodies in a comedy club or a theater or wherever that I really get a lot of sustenance from. I fully agree with you. And also, you talk a lot about sexuality in your comedy.

People like to ask me, they're like, how did you become so comfortable with your sexuality? And my answer is truly just like, I thought it was very funny how uncomfortable people got. And then I started like, like peeling back the layers to be like, oh, there's a ton of like repressed shit that's interesting and fun to talk about. So like, why the fuck not? So like, what is what's your story with it? fuck not. So like, what is what's your story with it? Well, I think because I was always like, when I was growing up, I was always like, chubby and awkward. And so I was always best friends with the prettiest girl. So I was like their legal representation. The lawyer for the prettiest girl in school. Like I was always like their Gloria Allred in school. So I just kind of realized that I don't have to be that anymore. Like I can be front and center. I can be the sexy one. I can be the pretty one in my life story. I don't have to feel like all

the stuff that was put on to me because I was so loud and because I was so uncontrollable in my personality. That's why they sort of like put me in a place where I was able to be contained. Well, like you're ugly, you're fat. So you just stay over there and be the legal representation. Go to law school, pass the bar. So you just stay over there and be the legal representation. Go to law school, pass the bar. But that whole thing of like, I can choose to be beautiful and then I can choose to be sexy.

And that's actually really important. And then also realizing that I was queer had another layer to it because, you know, there was so much fear around sexuality and queerness in even like the 90s. You know, in the early 90s, nobody could be out and nobody could feel like they could be comfortable with who they were. And so people were hinting at it, but nobody ever actually ever came out. It wasn't until later that they did. So it's very important, I think, to claim your sexuality and claim your right to talk about it. And it's fun.

There's so many things to talk about because it relates to so many different people's phobias and different people's anxieties about who they are. Yeah, I fully, fully agree. When you said that, they were like, go to law school. It reminded me, you're on another show that I loved loved Drop Dead Diva. Oh, I love that. It was such a fun show. And you were so funny on it. Thank you. I had a really good time on that show. And it was really it was different because it was a procedural which I'd never I'd never even thought of doing. But I did that for seven years almost. And then I did Law and order and SVU and it was so interesting because you you say a lot of big words when you're on a procedure of course

I didn't even go to college so I don't even know any words and it was like I had to write them down on post-its because I couldn't remember these long words that's a good way to do that. Because I had a desk. So like on set, just decorate your set with like different post-its, like you're writing notes to your characters, writing notes to themselves. That's honestly perfect. Because anytime I've auditioned for something where I'm like, like a, I don't know, a nurse or like a paralegal, I butcher the fucking audition. Cause I'm like,

I don't know all these words. I spend time looking them up. It's too hard. It's too hard. Cause you have to say them like you really know them. Like you say them all the time. Like toxoplasmosis comes off my tongue all the time. And it's really hard to remember.

So that's what I do is i put post-its or whatever it's just like i and we always get the i always get calls for those kinds of auditions it's always nurse doctor lawyer it's always like somebody who pushes the exposition along like we need to be the stars i agree and i feel like people of color get that a lot. Like for a very long time, I used to get like bus driver or like lady on the stoop and it's like, okay, but like, she didn't even get a name. One, two, why can't I be the lead? Like, why, why aren't I considered for that? It's it's so it sucks. And it, it, you'd think it'd be better by now and it's not and it's not.

It's not. But I think what it is is that we have to be in charge of writing our own stories, and that's really where it's at. Or be out and front and center in our lives, like in hosting and being out there just as an entertainment personality. That's actually pretty fulfilling, too too because you're still yourself. Yeah. Hosting is fun for me. And also hosting has brought me more acting jobs because producers, kids like me. So then they'll bring me in for things. And I'm like, I don't like kids, but now I do.

These kids are fucking helping me. Yeah. It's wonderful. And I think it's really, I mean, it's important to be able to see ourselves out there. You know, like, we just have to work against kind of what what Hollywood thinks of as stars. And what's great is we're doing that. We're working against that. Yeah. Coming out as queer, was that hard? Or were you just like, I don't know, let's talk about it. It was just something like, I came from San Francisco, so there was something like that was just very natural about that.

And it was also like in the 90s, you had to wear like denim board shorts and that just gave it away. Like these cutoffs that were kind of too long to be Daisy Dukes. So they were like the anti-Daisy Dukes because they were like almost a knee length, like dungarees, like lesbian dungarees. So you couldn't give it away. It was just, it was just so apparent. I love that. I love that it was just like, you can't hide it. So you might as well just say it, just talk about it. Just talk about it. Just do it. And it's really, I mean, it's good because now people can choose their pronouns before they go on a White House tour, which is really awesome. Oh, that is nice. This is in the last couple of days.

I think that's nice. I think people get caught up in learning new things. Why do I have to? Why are things changing? And it's like you use an iPhone, right? That wasn't around 10, 20 years ago, but you learned how to fucking use it. You can learn how to, like I just learned,

it's not preferred pronouns. It's just what are your pronouns. And it makes sense. It's like, why are we asking people what their preference is? Just ask them what their pronouns are. Yeah. We're all learning and I'm so eager to learn. And I think that's what keeps you young is if you're eager to keep on learning and keep on changing and evolving. And I'm so grateful to do that. I also think people are like, well, comedy will get soft or whatever. Because like, you know, and I'm like, no.

Like there's one comic, Andrew Schultz, who some may think he's problematic. I think it's, you take some stuff with a grain of salt. Other stuff is very funny. But his crowd work special, he was like getting in and he did like a street joke about like an uber driver but then broke down like the difference between the type of like uh south indian people and i was like yeah i mean if you can do that and you have the knowledge then why not you know tell the joke that's a street joke that's like maybe a little hacky and then break it down to be like, oh, no, I know exactly what the fuck I'm talking about. It's not out of ignorance. It's, you know, lived it, learned it, and I'm going to, you know, write a joke about it.

It's levels of skill. Yes. Yeah. I think that what it does is that it requires comedians to be a lot more thoughtful in what they'll say and how they'll say it. a lot more thoughtful in what they'll say and how they'll say it and if you have the skill to really evade that quote-unquote like cancellation that's really what it's about it's like it's just going to make us better in the end in the end yeah and then it's also like if you have a joke where people get mad about it or whatever it's like think about it was it a first draft if it was a first draft you probably shouldn't be saying it on stage like right you gotta work it a little bit yeah and it's like how how close can we get to

that flame before we get burned you know it's like let's see how how much we can court disaster like that's part of why comedy is so exciting is because we are really engaging in entertainment in a very raw way. So those first drafts are actually kind of part of it too. And the fact that you shouldn't say things and say it anyway is also can be really beautiful. So it just depends, I think, on our skill and how compassionate we are towards the subject and what we're doing. Yeah, I agree. Real quick, we're going to take a break. And we're back. Okay, Margaret, are you single?

Are you dating? Are you married? I decided to not look it up. I did not want to do any research on the relationship. I wanted to ask and get it get it live in person. my quarantine, my Valentine quarantine. And, you know, that's really good for now. Also, I'm just like, I'm not getting that coronavirus. Like, I'm just not going out there. And because I was dating so much in 2018, 2019. I was dating like so much. And now it's like, I can't, you know, because I never had dated on apps because I was always like married before that. And so then when I started with the apps, I was like, oh, my God, you could get, you know, whatever you want. Anything you want.

In a second. Like, it's crazy. And so I was just like meeting a lot of different people, but it was also kind of, a lot of it was like, everybody was so nice, but it was some, there was like, some of it was kind of weird. Like when you just go on dates, it's just, it's kind of like going out with somebody

that you might work with in the future. It started to become business work. It was work. Yeah, they're like generals. Like a general meeting. Totally. And so you're just getting to know each other. Something might come along.

But there was no spark. So finally I just narrowed it down. But it's really the amount. You're spoiled for choice. Wait, which apps are you on? I find them to be fully wild. Like they're truly so I meet the most interesting people and like the worst people I've yet to meet my person. Which apps are you on? I was on Bumble.

I was on this weird one called Whippler. I was on one. What's Whippler? Whippler was like android only oh that's like honestly so fucking funny there's an app that's like hey android users are you tired of being shit on by having a phone that's better than an iphone but people are still mean to you about it. Here, you guys can gather here. It was like such a weird one. And then I was on field. Um, wait, what's fields? You're on a bunch that I don't know about. Field is for, um, people who, uh, it's mostly for three ways, but it's also for like anything goes like whatever,

whatever is, um, you know, whatever, let's, let's figure this out. Let's see what's up. And,

um, so I liked that one actually. And then I never made it to Tinder, but I was on, yeah, a bunch of like Android ones, but the ones that I remember were Whippler, which I deleted and then Field which I also

deleted you know because now it's like I I but I was my dating range on on all of them was too wide because I was going from because I'm 52 so I was going from 26 to 71 and I met this one guy right before the lockdown who was like 70. He was really nice. He was an attorney. And we had a date to go out. And then he didn't call me. And then I called him, but I left a message. Did he pass?

I don't know what happened. I think he died. Because, I mean, I didn't know him. I didn't even know his last name because i didn't know well enough to know any of his family or i think he died i think he may have passed he may have been one of the first casualties of the coronavirus i mean he was maybe if he's 70 out and about yeah he was he was really cute he had a he i'm not sure what kind of car he had but it was real low to the ground like he was like a really like an aging daddy with like a lot of money, but like not sleazy

about it. He was cute. I was like, okay. Have you ever dated somebody that old before? I've dated people in their sixties, but 70 was a little bit of a stretch. I mean, just, but you know, I'm 52. So that's not that far off, exactly. No, it truly isn't. I live my life like I'm 22, and I don't know how to be like, no, Nicole, you're almost 40. Like, because I'm always like,

oh my God, you're like 45, that's so old. But it's like insane. It's like, no, it's not. It's like a couple years older than me. Maybe I'll date somebody in their 60s well it's i like it because we are going at the same speed kind of like just like because i i i do think there's something really lovely about that but um the guy that i'm seeing now is 47 and that that feels like a good, you know, it's like, oh, okay. Yeah, I think it's close enough in age range.

Yeah, it gets me up and walking. It gets my heart rate up a little bit. But I think that it's really, yeah, you have a very young energy and a young spirit. Like, you seem to me to be 22. Thank you. Little child, little baby. So it's, it's much more like, but it's weird to go out with young people that I went out with a few people that were really young. Um, I had sex with one guy who was 26 and that was too young. I felt weird about that. Why, why was it too young? It was just so, he was just so physically like perfect that it freaked me out.

Like I'm like, oh, like I don't, I don't know. Like I'm like, this is so weird. Like to, you know, because when I was that young, I wasn't even with people that young. When I was 26, I was with people in their 50s, 40s and 50s. So, you know, it's weird. I've only really dated people who are like a year younger than me or like a year or two older than me. I just haven't dipped my little toes into dating older men. But I decided when we all have the vaccine or there's herd immunity, whichever fucking comes first, because people are refusing it.

My goodness. We're going to have it for fucking ever. It's awful. But also the city of Glendale, they have a mask mandate and you get fined if you don't wear a mask. Right. I was like, why doesn't L.A. do this? Why is it just in Glendale? It's so weird.

But, you know, I'm glad for it. I'm glad for it. Me too. But I plan on having so much sex when we're know, I'm glad for it. I'm glad for it. Me too. But I plan on having so much sex when we're all done with this. I know. I'm going to fuck people from the ages of 18. No, maybe 18 is too young. At least the college age.

20, 23. 23 to 87. That's my age range. I'm very excited about it. I think it's good. I i mean i think it's like really i mean i feel like well after the the 1918 pandemic came the roaring 20s so i feel like we're going to have that same aesthetic i'm going to get a page boy haircut, like a bobbed haircut, and do a lot of Charleston. Mm-hmm.

And maybe I'll wear fringe. I've already got the fringe. I have these fabulous disco pants. They're like this shiny black, and then they have these iridescent purple fringe on the sides. I love it. I love them so much. Last time I wore it, I wore it with a Gucci cardigan.

Thank you. She treated herself in Italy that has rhinestone G I wore it, I wore it with a Gucci cardigan. Thank you. She treated herself in Italy that has rhinestone G's on it. And I was just like shimmering under the moonlight. And not one person at the restaurant looked at me the way I wanted them to. Oh, I'm sure that they looked and they were so excited. I mean, we don't know what people are thinking. I'm sure they were so impressed. Maybe. But I really love when someone st people are thinking. I'm sure they were so impressed. Maybe. But I really love when someone stares at me when I'm wearing something fabulous. Or gives me a compliment.

I got no compliments. I know. I would have complimented you up and down if I had seen you. I love it. Thank you so much. I love it. Of course. Have you ever tried, like, are you on any apps now?

Oh, I'm on all the apps. I'm on, okay, Cupid. I'm on, well, I just ended my membership with Raya because nothing was happening on Raya. I'd been paying for it for like a year and a half. And then I saw this BuzzFeed article that was like, a lot of users on dating profile or like dating websites or apps or whatever aren't real.

They're just like people who work at the dating place and they just kind of like fuck around and talk to you to like get you to stay and like get you to continue to pay for things. And I was like, huh? Oh, well, I'm not even talking to anyone on riot.

Nobody's like fake dating me and I'm paying for it i couldn't even get on riot they wouldn't approve me on riot it took two years for me to get on riot oh my god such a long time and then when i got on it i was like oh i see this is um how you say oh uh a white paradise there's a lot of white people oh that's why that's why that's why they won't let me on to i'm too not that yeah it's uh jarring to be like oh racism exists everywhere and it's annoying it's gross racism's annoying that's so annoying like when you get down to it, it's like, you don't like me because I came out dark? Like, I'm sorry. I can't fucking help that, dude.

I know. It's creepy. Like, I always think that it must be really relaxing to be white. Like, I'm like, God, look at how relaxed that Capitol siege was. Like, the insurrection. I know. They're all doing selfies and like. Yes.

Like, you don't even care during the Black Lives Matter thing I was up in a mask and helmet I learned what to do when you get tear gassed I had numbers on me to call in case I got arrested

these people bought airplane tickets, they don't like masks so they weren't wearing their masks at the Capitol and then gave a bunch of the National Guard the coronavirus. And I was like, this is nuts. This is so wild. It reminded me of Pilgrim Times. Yeah, but the entitlement.

That they were just like, oh, we can show our faces and we don't have any fear of repercussions. But also they traveled to give disease to people. So many diseases. Not to mention, I'm sure there's a lot of STDs going around. Probably. There was this lady sobbing. I don't know if you saw this.

She's just this nice white lady. Oh, that's not nice. She's a white lady. And she's sobbing. And she't know if you saw this she's just this nice white lady oh it's not nice just a white lady and she's sobbing and she's like president trump this is our land and i was like bitch actually it's not oh is that the one on the toilet she might be on the toilet she was like crying and she was like on the toilet and it was just like what is wrong with you, lady? Yeah, it's like very, anybody who posts, or at least for me, who posts videos of them sobbing, I'm like, are you in therapy? Because my therapist said that I can just call her and cry,

which I do sometimes. I'll just call her and be like, boo-hoo-hoo. I feel a little better. Thank you for listening. Goodbye. Yeah, I mean, it's like, why would you put it online? Yeah. I feel a little better. Thank you for listening. Goodbye. Yeah. I mean, it's like, why would you put it online?

Yeah. I guess maybe to be like, oh, I want sympathy from like-minded people. I don't know. It's just so funny to think that like when Hillary lost, we all knit a hat and walked around to be together. And then when Trump lost, they stormed the Capitol. I know. It's really insane. But it's that entitlement. And it's like that sort of makes me think,

oh, it must be really fun to be white. And that's why they're worried that they're going to lose that status or something or they'll lose the supremacy. Yeah. I think it's uh yeah they feel threatened that they're gonna like lose their status in life and it's like with affirmative action a lot of white people get told we would have hired you you're more than qualified but you know we had to hire x y and z and it's like well if you look at the company it's not all black people it's

majority white a couple of black people if If you were that qualified, they would have fired one of the lesser qualified white people. You are not qualified. You are lied to. But, you know, you get to perpetuate this thing where like you belong. Other people don't. Right. Honestly, that seems exhausting. It is really exhausting.

So maybe white people are tired. Just let them, you know, let them have a break. Take a break. Take a knee. You take a knee. Yes, you take the knee. That's what you need to do. I'm on OkCupid right now. And I got this like message. So OkCupid is very confusing for me because I was on OkCupid when it first came out, I guess in like the 2000s, early 2000s. I don't know. But I did it on my computer and now I'm on the app and the app is very confusing. And they have these like intros where people write you stuff, but then you're not matched with them yet. I don't know. But this man, he wrote to me and he said,

Hi, Nicole, love your podcast and stand-up and acting work. I think we're looking for different things based on your profile, but I think you're amazing. And then I looked at his profile, and it says he's looking for women, short and long-term dating, hookups and new friends, and that's what mine says. And I was like, sir, we're looking for the exact same thing. That's so weird.

That's so weird. Yeah. Maybe he got turned off by my profile says that I'm heteroflexible because I don't completely identify as queer. I don't really identify as anything other than like, I'll fuck what I like to fuck and I don't mind. Yeah. But maybe that's what turned him off.

I don't know. Who knows? maybe that's what turned him off. I don't know. Who knows? People are so weird. They are. People are super weird. Maybe he didn't like my profile. My self summary says, I love giggling. And then.

Oh, that's cute. What I'm doing. Thank you. What I'm doing with my life. I said, I'm on the quest for the most delicious dinner. I'm really good at making faces. The first thing people notice about me is how often i change my hair and then it asked for my favorite books movies tv shows

music and food and i was like that is so much information that like so much stuff why would i give that to you for free like you have to get to know me right so i just wrote i eat bacon despite being vegan i i just really like the word vegan yeah well you're you're vegan you're just sort of vaguely vegan and then the next question maybe he doesn't think I'm taking things seriously because it was like six things I could never do without I said one laughter two giggles three tee hee hees four ha ha ha's five my phone I love her six chuckles so maybe he doesn't think I'm taking it seriously but again I'm like six things I can't I can't live without you have to find out you have to go out with me yeah exactly I think that's great I think it's a

great profile thank you it's really cute it's really fun I just try to keep it fun keep it fresh because it's like that's what you're going to get. You're going to get a lady who's got ADD, who's a little flighty, who works very hard. It is a good time. Yeah. And those are all great things. So anybody would be lucky. Margaret, thank you.

Of course. Of course. I'm so jealous that you have a quarantine buddy, a quarantine, if you will. Yes. It's nice. But it's definitely, you know, I mean, what my true love is, is stand-up comedy. And that's the one thing that is missing from our lives. I mean, what are we going to do?

I mean, I don't know. It's very strange. It feels crazy. And then, like, I know Chappelle had his, like, Chappelle camp or whatever. And they were testing the audience. They were testing comics. They still had an outbreak. And it's like, there is no, like, foolproof, safe way to do outside shows.

I don't know. But then I did a couple outside shows, and I feel like nothing happened. I guess it's just, like, however comfortable you feel. Yeah like nothing happened. I guess it's just like however comfortable you feel. Yeah, I mean, I guess it depends. I also do think, though, that comedians do have incredible immunity because we're always holding those disgusting microphones that we've all been holding and talking into. And nobody's ever cleaned a mic ever. No. Ever for a comedy club.

too and nobody's ever cleaned a mic ever no ever for a comedy club and we all hold them real close to our face for like 20 minutes at a time so and you're handing it back and forth and so we probably have pretty built up immune systems i think so and then being on planes so much right oh planes are fucking disgusting everyone that's disgusting everyone looks at me funny because i like i wipe down the seat i wipe down everything i touch and then i watched naomi campbell's video where she like oh i love that she's a legend goes through it and i was like that's me now so sometimes i'll have gloves sometimes i won't but i was like yeah i'm gonna take my own health into my own hands absolutely before corona i would cover my face when i was sleeping because i was like i don't know what you people are doing i don't want you reaching too close Corona, I would cover my face when I was sleeping because I was like, I don't know what you people are doing.

I don't want you reaching too close to me. Breathe it in my face. No, thank you. I have a microclimate, which is the helmet that has like the face bubble. I have a couple of face bubbles that I use. But I don't have just like the face shield because I heard that that you know it can get trapped under that rona can come up under and then it's right up on your face oh no you know i feel like the more we learn about corona the more she's the rudest thing to ever come to planet earth she's rude she's rude

i've had it with her i've had it with her me too she's ruining everything but we will get through this and we will have a roaring 20s I know that we will I think we will too I'm so excited about it I used to like not want to ever go out and dance because I was like takes too much energy I get too tired too sweaty

I cannot wait to just be with a bunch of sweaty people and dance yeah yeah I want to go to a rock festival I want. Yeah. Yeah. I want to go to a rock festival. I want to go to like. Yes, I want to go to a festival so bad. Yeah. I just want to be around people. Like after it's over, I'm like, maybe I'll go to New York for a couple months and just

like ride the subway to be around people. Yeah. I just want to go to a movie theater. That's what I really love. Oh my God. I miss movie theaters. I miss movie theater popcorn. I miss the weird carpets.

So good. I miss it all. I miss like it lays back. I like a double, a double a double one too so you can go with somebody it's so fun yeah i was talking to my friend who lives in australia and like australia has no domestic cases they only have international cases yeah and he had taken a picture of himself at um a museum with his fiance his newly fianced i got a text from him. He was like, he was like, he came in my face and I asked him to marry me. And I was like, this is the sweetest thing in the world. So romantic. But they were wearing a mask at this museum. And I was like, I thought Corona

was gone, John. And he was like, oh, well, hotel workers have to clean the rooms of people who may have been positive. So we're just wearing it as a precaution outside. And I was like, oh, well, hotel workers have to clean the rooms of people who may have been positive. So we're just wearing it as a precaution outside. And I was like, a whole country just wearing it as a precaution. Yeah, just a maybe. I was like, ah. Incredible. I feel crazy.

It's so crazy. But I'm glad for them. Me too. Me too. It's nice. It must be nice. It must be nice. I guess I could just go to too. It's nice. It must be nice. It must be nice. I guess I could just go to Australia.

It's a long plane ride, though. It's nice, though. I love Australia. Real different fruit and vegetables. I did not eat very many fruits and vegetables there. Very different. Very delicious and very different. I ate a lot of French fries.

Mmm, yummy. That's good, too. French fries and chicken different. I ate a lot of French fries. Yummy. That's good, too. French fries and chicken nuggets. Yeah. For whatever reason, the hotel we were staying across from the Sydney Opera House, and it had the best chicken nuggets I had ever had. I was like raving about these chicken nuggets. Yeah. And my friend was like, get a grip, Nicole.

They have those in America. Yeah. No, the food is really good there. And the food is good like right by the opera house too. Like just on that like row of like restaurants and then it's by the harbor. It's really good. I got to go again.

I got to give it a second chance. Yeah. I went and my hair was in a fro, like a short little afro. And people kept putting their hands in it. And that really turned me off. That's not cute. Yeah, I did not like it.

What is that about? It was just so jarring and it kept happening. And I didn't know what to say. And I finally said to this lady, I was like, what if I put my hands in your hair? And she was like, why would you do that? That was a terrible Australian accent. And I was like, I don't know. Why are you in my hair?

And she's like, I've never seen it before and again very bad i was like just because you haven't seen something before doesn't mean you put your hands in it ah so weird that's so weird that's so close that's too close too close so margaret i feel like you're good at being in relationships and i feel like you're good at dating what relationships and I feel like you're good at dating. How do you send the first message? Like when you were back on the apps and when you were meeting people in person, how did you flirt with people? Well, I didn't really focus on flirting as much as I did seeing if there was any spark. And just seeing how easy they were to talk to or if we had things in common or something,

that was fun. And I think what was good about the apps that I was on was they were more focused on just sex and not relationships. So Bumble was more relationship focused. So that was the most like vanilla I got. But on the other ones, they were much more like wilder. And also I was taking a series of bondage rope workshops

because I was trying to learn how to do Japanese bondage and learn the knots and stuff. And so I met a lot of people doing that. Interesting. Do you use rope work, rope work now? No, but I, I like, I like it cause I'm going to have, I just adopted two cats. So I'm going to make a scratching board for them with all the rope that I got. But, um, that is the most Corona story I've ever heard. I learned how to make ropes for bondage,

but I've adopted some cats. I'm staying inside. They'll, they'll use it. It's for them. It's for them now, but I'm not naturally a bottom, but I was trying to become a top.

Cause I think that women of a certain age should also be tops. So I was trying to be a dominatrix, but I couldn't do, I'm like terrible, but I'm still, I'm still have hope and I have cats. So I don't think I could be a dominatrix, but I couldn't do it. I'm like terrible. But I still have hope. And I have cats, so. I don't think I could be a dominatrix.

I think I could wear the outfit. I think I would feel very good in it. I would be like, ooh, she's sexy. Yeah. But I don't think I could order somebody around because I'd be like, well, I don't know. What would you like to do? I'm very submissive in bed. So ordering somebody around seems so out of the realm of possibilities. I know.

It's so weird for me. I can't even envision it for myself. I have a hard time with it, but I'm just trying to build that side up. I'm sure that there's a side of me that's bossy somewhere, so I'm going to try to find it. But until then, macrame. I want to get more into kink I guess I have to like get on an app to do that um well no lots of people who are on all of the dating apps are into that you know and it's also something that you can just explore on your own

where you can just like look at the fashion it's all about fashion, actually. I love the clothes. I love a shiny moment. I love any kind of black, shiny, latex thing. It's just fabulous to look at. So that's the entry point. Yeah, I have a couple vinyl outfits that I'll just wear in my room and be like, wow, one day someone will appreciate this. Yes.

I have like a ton of like cute little lingerie. But I never know. Because I've only really dated someone for like, I don't know. I think my longest relationship. I can't even call them relationships. I've only dated for like three months. That's like the longest time I've ever dated somebody. And at three months, it seems like slightly too early to be like, hi, I'm wearing lingerie for you.

Do you like it? But maybe I could just do it. Just do it. Just do it. And also like, it's just good to get into the habit of wearing it for yourself. Like I will wear it just on my own or I'll wear it like around the house. Like,

like a real, like an older housewife. Like it's like real, like serving the pool boy or something, you know, but it's just sort of wearing it around. It just makes you used to it. And it's, I don't know, it's like just made to make you feel good about your body. And, you know, it's not necessarily for sex. It's for, for us to, to feel like, just have fun. Yeah. I bought a bunch of lingerie. I think it's called Solstice Intimates and they

have intimates. Is that the intimates? Intimates. Intimates. Yeah. What does it sound like I'm saying? Oh, intimates like the donuts. That's good too. Oh, she's hungies. But I bought a bunch of lingerie from them and I was like wearing it. think it was two days ago and i was like this is so cute and then i was like do you sleep in lingerie and i was like i don't know so i just took it off and put on my pajamas do you sleep are you supposed to sleep in launch is this a dumb question oh my god i i've slept in lingerie but as long as it doesn't go up my butt then i can sleep because if something's at my butt i can't sleep. But other than that, I can pretty much do, yeah, definitely. You can definitely sleep in lingerie.

Okay. I can't wear thongs. Thongs don't work for me. I wish they did. They can be uncomfortable. I don't know how people wear them. They're kind of weird because it's up on your asshole. Like it's up on your hole.

Like a piece of fabric kissing your butt. Yeah, it's hard. I just don't know how people do it. Some people like it. Most of my friends I feel like only exclusively wear thongs. Like I remember in high school changing for gym, pulling down my pants and I was like, everyone wears them.

So I was like, I must have one. So I stole one from Sears. And I was just like, I don't know how everyone, I don't know how they're doing it, but I wore it for a very long time. It's uncomfortable and weird. And I do like a low cut jean with a thong back to the whale tail. I do love a whale tail moment. I think they're fun. I love that 90s fashion is coming back. Yeah. But I will say it is very frustrating that it's hard to find stuff in my size because my fantasy is finding stuff that my mother would not buy for me

and then buying it as an adult. That's great. I did buy this fabulous faux leather jacket with fur around the arms it's like very and like fur on the collar it's very like bratz doll 90s and it did not come in my size so I bought two of the biggest size and then my friend meatball is currently sewing them together because if you get two small sizes that equals a one big size that's math that's smart i mean it's a it's a good idea i mean yeah like and also like it the the sizing for those are just so weird it's always way it's my arms can never fit in anything so i'm like always like like like it's like it just makes

me feel like i can't breathe that's very comforting to hear because every blazer I try on, I'm like, this is so tight in the arms. What is wrong with my arms? I'm so incredible Hulk in everything. I'm like, like, it's just so weird. And yeah, sizing 90s, like in early 2000s, clothes are just crazy small and like narrow and don't breathe at all. It's super weird. Yeah, I like that almost everything you can get now has a little spandex in it. I need it, yeah. A little viscose, I think, is a like a.

Viscose, yes. It's a rayon. A little stretch. I love that. I love it. I discovered this company. It's called Fashion Brand Company. And I believe it's like sustainable

in la i don't know if it's sustainable i don't that word gets tossed around i don't really know what it means but she's in la and she it's like very tongue-in-cheek clothing and like one of them she just has like this shirt where it's like a collar a collar like a polo shirt but then on the shoulders another polo shirt opening and then another polo shirt opening. It's just like very fun. I have her dress. That's like a brick wall and then it has like windows. It's like a window here. I love her clothes and they're all really good and stretchy. Yeah. I have that. I got the cheerleader outfit and then I got the brick house one. And then I got like the weird, um, it looks like a swimming costume where it's like short bike shorts, but it's a velvet unitard. Yes, but it looks like a bikini bottom.

Yeah. Yeah. It's so good. I love her stuff. And it's all, it feels like very 90s, very like vintagey, even though it's new. And then it goes up to like a 7X sometimes, sometimes a 5X. It's good. So I bought a bunch of fun things from her recently.

And then she sent me some stuff, which was like very, very cool of her. I love her stuff though. Yeah. I have a bunch of her stuff and it's like, it's kind of like being on the television show Blossom, but you're not Blossom, you're Six. Yes. I fully agree. And I liked Six so much. She was so cute. She was just so tiny and loud and fun. Adorable. Six crawled. So what's what's her name from next door on Full House so she could run? Kimmy Gibbler. I love Kimmy Gibbler. I love. I love. And then Steve Urkel. Oh, yeah. There's not many shows now where there's like a crazy next door neighbor. I know. I love Steve Urkel. I wonder if there's going to be like a resurgence in television from like the 90s.

I miss silly for silly sake. I know. I miss it too. Everything is like very grounded right now. It's real single camera. Yes, very single camera. It's real ironic. Uh-huh.

It's like, no. Let's just be fucking silly again, y'all. Let's just be stupid. It's fun. I-huh. It's like, no. Let's just be fucking silly again, y'all. Let's just be stupid. It's fun. I like that. Me too. If you could do anything right now in your acting career or comedy career, say Corona's not here, what is the thing you'd want to do the most?

Love boat. Charlie's Angels. No, love boat. Love boat. Charlie's Angels has been rebooted so much, so love boat. Charlie's Angels. No, love boat. Love boat. Like Charlie's Angels has been rebooted so much. So love boat. Yeah, but you could do it.

It has not been rebooted with ladies at a certain age. I love it. I think that's great. I think it's great. Let's do it. Okay, perfect. All right, I'll pitch it.

I'll set up a meeting. I'm calling Mr. Hollywood right now. Excuse me. I need a date. Margaret, do you have any single friends who are looking for a nice black lady who will be kind to them? Yes, I'm sure I do. I'm sure I do. Ooh, hook me up with somebody.

I will. I will. We'll figure it out. It's going to be easy. I love it. Also, I We'll figure it out. It's gonna be easy. it. I was like, oh, I think they're talking specifically about this platform because people will start messaging like messages to me and all of them are, hi, hello, how are you feeling today? Hello, good to see you. And I'm like, I don't think these are real people. That's so weird. That is so weird.

Yeah, I've literally like 50 messages of hello there. Good to see you. Hi, beautiful. Hello, I am here. Let's talk to each other. That's so strange. I don't know. I mean, it's also so weird right now because you don't want to like be meeting a ton of people because we got to keep it like keep our circle tight. Yeah. So I'm just trying to prepare for after.

I'm trying to look at the future and be like hopeful that it's going to be sooner rather than later. Put it out there. Put it out there. Yeah. But also being realistic because I remember in March I was like, this is only going to be for two weeks. And then April I was like, this is nuts. It's so crazy. It's gone for so long.

And it's going to go for a bit longer. So it'll be okay though. I's so crazy. It's gone for so long. And it's going to go for a bit longer. So it'll be okay, though. I hope so. Okay, Margaret, we've come to the end. I ask all of my guests this. Would you date me? Yes. Oh, what a treat.

I'd love to. Thank you. Margaret, do you have anything that you want to promote? People can log on to my streaming show, After Hours with Margaret, on Valentine's Day. Go to RushTix.com or MargaretCho.com or at MargaretCho underscore or at Margaret underscore Cho or at MargaretCho on Twitter. I have all the information there. Perfect.

Thank you so much for doing this. Thank you. And if you like this episode of Oh, Why Won't You Date Me, you can like it, you can rate it, you can subscribe. You can leave me a dirty review on Apple Podcasts. And by dirty review, I mean if you hit on me, I will read that hit on, that message out loud. So this nice person said, oh my God, here's my dirty DM.

Hi, Nicole, I want to put you in a bath and bathe you. Then empty the bath and fill it with mac and cheese sauce. So I'd stir you around. You're all cheesed up. I'd hop you up on the ledge of the bath and lick you clean. Love you. Bye. You know?

That's sweet. I think it's sweet. Macaroni and cheese is one of my favorite foods. I do like baked macaroni, but like I can fuck around with some cheese sauce and some noodles and call it a day. So I think it's good. I like that. I do too.

Okay. Bye bye. That's it for Why Won't You Date Me? I think it's good. I like that. I do too. Okay. Bye-bye. That's it for Why Won't You Date Me? With me, Nicole Byer. Why Won't You Date Me? is produced and engineered by, oh, the sweetest woman I know, Marissa Melnick. It is executive produced by other wonderful people, Adam Sachs, Joanna Solotaroff, and Jeff Ross.

Thanks for listening. I love you. Thank you so much. We'll be seeing you next Friday with a brand new episode. What a dream. What a dream. Ha ha ha. This has been a Team Coco production.