Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Pandemic Divorce (w/ Punkie Johnson)

Episode Date: January 13, 2023

Comedian Punkie Johnson (SNL) joins Nicole to discuss how the pandemic lead to her divorce,  learning to love her partner's ugly feet, and tiddy pain. Nicole reports on the unhappy couples she witnessed while in the Bahamas.  Write to Nicole! Submit your dirty pick-up lines, dating stories, or questions to [e-mail] for a chance to have it read on-air. Black Lives Matter.  Click here for an updated list of over 100 different things you can do to support racial justice.   Follow Nicole Byer: Twitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerMerch: podswag.com/datemeNicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Oh baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single, even though you could come in a shot glass, tell me to drink it, and say, yum, yum, yum, it's good for your health.

My guest today is a hilarious stand-up comedian, and now is a regular cast member on a little show you might have heard of called Saturday Night Live. It's Punky Johnson! What's up? Punky, how are you? What's up? I'm good. I'm good. I'm happy we're still on a little vacay. So I'm just trying to get my mind right and get ready to go back what did you do for new year's i was in jamaica i've never been to jamaica i was in bahamas and the men in bahamas truly were so pretty and beautiful and they kept breaking their necks looking at me i never felt prettier than on that fucking island i loved it yeah and i never felt more almost straight when i was in

jamaica because man them men will them men will talk your drawers off out there i'm i'm sitting up there like i just need to come up here and go to uh go to dating school because they just they are they are charmers and they got the puns and the comebacks so quickly and that accent man oh i love a caribbean accent oh and then i like when they say so we had a nice man named mr marley who drove us around like because getting a taxi on an island is hard so we found so gerard at margaritaville hooked us up with mr marley who was driving us around very very nice he would say things like look at that over there sour tree and i was like what is a sour tree and then he was like you don't know you call it lemon we call it sour tree and i was like oh okay got it yeah just like slight things that i was like i know you call it lemon we call it sour tree and i was like oh okay got it yeah

just like slight things that i was like i know you're this is english i know this for a fact but what the fuck is you saying yeah man i just say yeah man all the yeah man yeah man and uh what else they say out there they kept saying uh copacetic man boom really boom by stick they always say copacetic they always say and yeah man uh they don't say yaman in bahamas no they go yeah it's funny because like my grandpa's from barbados and barbados is less jamaican more i'm gonna get in trouble people from barbados gonna be like we're not like bahamian bohemians or whatever but uh it was funny because i was like everybody here talks like my grandpa but i didn't fuck anybody and i was really upset about that i was upset too because i wanted to have a threesome oh Ooh. Yeah. Ooh.

Did you have a twosome? Oh, I had a whole bunch of twosomes. But I was there with my girlfriend. We twosomed all week. Oh, I see. It just would have been nice to, you know, like, man or woman. Like, I'm open. I like to have fun. But we just, there were nights we just.

It didn't work out? We just got too drunk sometimes. And honestly, I'm old. Like, two of them nights, I was in bed by like 10 30 i'm like i'm so boring same i couldn't believe it i was like i gotta go sleep i'm so tired we went to atlantis which is one of the most horrific places you'll ever go there was people scuba diving in the aquarium at itantis. And I was like, the ocean is there. But there was a couple nights that we were trying to get a little rowdy, get some drinks in us. And we were like, let's just go to sleep.

This is too much. Yeah. Sometimes I feel like vacation is more work than work. Because in vacation, especially when it's your first time being somewhere, you want to see all the sights and go to all the places and eat all the food. So there's plenty of times we was waking up at 8 o'clock in the morning. You know, traveling an hour, hour and a half out just to do something for 30 minutes and then traveling an hour and a half. It's getting down to the point where just sitting down in a car for me for an hour and a half makes me tired. Yep.

And you just go right to sleep. We were on a speedboat me and sashir we were going very very fast it was very very bumpy and those bumps rocked my friend to sleep you wake up it's all over how long have you been with your girlfriend in march it'll be uh two years two years how did you find her that crazy bitch found me okay how did she find you I'm telling you right now like this is the craziest thing that I that's that has ever happened to me because you know how you watch tv and you be like why can't I have that like why can't that happen to me and sometimes you be like only on tv right like I swear like this was

a tv thing that happened and um I was just like healing from filing for a divorce at this time i had them filed for a divorce for a year already but my wife my wife kept running i'm like bitch get over here and sign these papers so i'm training for a marathon i gotta get out of here sign this shit she wouldn't but i was still locked in my marriage and i was doing a comedy show when i was for my first time in Providence, Rhode Island. I was like, don't nobody in Providence. You know, I'm thinking this is like all white people. Nope, it's not.

It's a lot of us out there, too. So I get there. I'm doing my set. I hear all this noise. And it's just talking. And I'm, you know, I'm trying to ignore it, but it's pissing me off. So I look in the corner. I said, what's all that kiki and kaka over there?

What's all that goddamn noise? And then she stands up and she was like it's me i came here for you boo and then i was like cute now shut your ass up so we start off cursing each other out you know what i'm saying so then we talked for about 15 minutes the crowd loved it they're like keep talking keep getting to know each other so then after the show i was just like all right that was over and i go to my dressing room i'm just like all right that was what it was whatever that was crazy and then she follows me to my dressing room and i turn around and we nose to nose and um she just thought it was all that she was talking out there huh is you about what you talking about and i was just like what so security comes and they about to

take her but i'm like no no let me see what she and they about to take her. But I'm like, no, no, no. Let me see what she's talking about. So then her friends are out there. Obviously, she ain't listening to none of my set. But her friends is out there and they yelling at her. She's married. Get out of there. She's married.

But my whole set was about my divorce. That's the whole set. So she ain't listening to nothing. So she looked at me. She said, you think you about to have me in this triangle? You think that's the type of woman i am and so she she turned she does she put her two fingers in my head jack my head back and she runs away from me and i got mad i love her so it's very funny i start chasing after i'm like turn your ass around

don't you walk away from me like if you was listening to my set you would have heard what was going on and then we just started kissing and it just went from there and it's been two years what a wild fucking story you're right there's no way i can recreate that there's no way that that's gonna naturally happen for me that is some shit out of like a movie or something that is so funny that she came at you so aggressively you about that you about that well i'm not gonna be in a love triangle it's like well ma'am what do you want i'm like you can't met me and if you would she wouldn't obviously weren't listening to nothing she was just goofy you know i'm just like

all right whatever but it's good that she came and saved me because I was a hoe and I was tired. I was tired. So, OK, so you filed for divorce and then you're just like in a hoe phase. Yeah, it was a horrible hoe phase, too, because I was all over the place. I had been with my wife since I was a kid. You know, I was like 16 when I met her. I had been with my wife since I was a kid. You know, I was like 16 when I met her. Oh, my God. You know, I mean, we broke up at the 12th year, I think, for like three years.

But we were still messing with each other because we didn't know how to not, you know, be together. Not be together. That's a long ass time. 12 years and starting at 16. Was she the same age as you? She's like three years younger than me. Oh, OK. Damn.

Maybe two. I forgot. I try not to know too much about her these days i try to let all that it's like it's like men in black just that's that's out of there i mean that's probably for the best it's not good to like i don't know i've never been in a relationship but i feel like it's not good to like hold on to the other person's like just forget about it but also after 12 years how do you love somebody else i don't even love somebody now i don't know i don't know how love works well in total we were together for like 20 years in total in total about so long yeah but that's why but see this this this

this is why when i do my comedy set i'm gonna talk a lot about toxic relationships because some people stay in toxic relationships because it's all kind of excuses the history is there i know their parents and i can't start over and no you got to get out of that shit because that's why i stayed in it for so long i knew i wasn't supposed to but by the time we was married for like the second third year i knew it was over but i stayed in it because I was just scared. I mean, I get that. Yeah. What the fuck else is out there?

What if nobody, what if I don't find anybody else? What if I don't find anybody else? Who will love me like this? But this is not the way love goes. Like I had to really start therapy and like really do the work to help get out of that because it was a bad situation but other than you know other all I could say is time wise for me meeting this other woman like it went everything went the way it was supposed to go and I see that now but at the time it was it was bad it was bad oh boy no I like made a list of qualities that i want in somebody

that i'm tired of doing it i'm about to tell you that none of that don't none of that shit matter because the person i'm with right now she don't check off none of my boxes you know what i'm saying just zero boxes you know except the cooking part but it But it's just like, and the crazy part is, it's like I didn't really even think about personality, like her personality is top A-notch 100. But when I was making the list, for some reason I wasn't even thinking about personalities. That just goes to show you like God in the universe

know what you need more than you do. That is wild. I don't think I've ever on any of my lists been like great personality that i get along with never because it's like it's like you know she gonna be mad if i say this but i'm gonna say it anyway because it's gone all everything she already know is gone in my comedy special you know what the second the first one is about divorce the next one gonna be about new love but like i had stupid dumb shit on my list like they gotta have nice feet she ain't got nice feet no no no no i i got i got a bit where i specifically say

the feet gotta go in order like the big toe and the second toe they gotta descend i have a specific bit where I say that. And now I have went against everything I believe in. I'll be all over the place. It'll be like the big toe, second toe down here, third toe way back up there with the big toe. It looks like one of those heart monitors at the hospital. Where it's just going up and down, up and down, up and down. E.K.G. feet.

But you know what, though? i learned to love it though you know i mean i'll be cracking on her feet all the time but i'll kiss them i'll suck them i don't care give me them ugly ass feet that's adorable i want someone to love my ugly ass feet yeah you know i was always i was always with someone like uh like like my wife she had like this uh like she never wore wigs or weaves and stuff like that she'll always be like i want to get extensions i want to do that like if you get any extension put a wig on that's it it's over for you you don't need all that shit so that was also on my list you feel me i meet her this bitch got a different wig on every week so is this shit i ain't know nothing about none of that but guess what now i'm in it now i'm like oh who you gonna be this week babe like which one now i'm picking the wigs out and shit i'm like do this that's so sweet and i'll be like where

my favorite wig with the bang wait Wait, do you guys live together? Did she move to New York? No, no, no, no. We long distance. I, for one, she hates the distance. I love the distance because I think I do also have like a PTSD trauma situation going on because my wife didn't have a job. So every time I would go home, she was home.

I never was in the house alone in seven years. Oh, no. she was always always always there always there so now i have a problem with always being in someone's face that sounds for seven years great that was a that was a time my trick turtle one time i was just like look let's go home for thanksgiving talk about my ex like, look, let's go home for Thanksgiving. Talk about my ex-wife now. So let's go home for Thanksgiving. And then when it was time for us to leave to go back to Cali, I was like, you know what?

Why don't you stay for a while? I made that bitch stay in New Orleans for like six months. I was like, I need a break. I mean, I can't imagine like, I mean, the pandemic. I know a lot of people got divorced and shit because it was like two years of just being at home but I can't imagine a non-pandemic where it's like you don't leave you don't leave for extended amounts of time you gotta you gotta you gotta get a nine to five of walking around or something a hobby get out of here the pandemic it was the do you know if we didn't have the pandemic i probably would still be in that because in the pandemic when i had to stay inside i was like so this is what you've been doing all day for all this time not a goddamn

thing you have not helped this marriage in no possible way. You have provided no value. I'm out here working hard every week, every day. I could be so far along in my career. And the audacity for you to just. The audacity. I'm like, hell no, man. I called my mom.

I said, ma, I got to come home. She said, come on home, baby. That's sweet. I drove across the country because I won't get on the airplane. Drove across the country. We're home. Filed that divorce. It was out.

Damn. I feel like the pandemic really did a number on everybody. Everybody was just like their eyes are kind of open. They're like this. I can't do this. But you know what? I also like like what did you do for the pandemic? Like, were you like by yourself or with family or did you have a little boo?

I wish I had a little boo, a little quarantine boo. No, I was living with John Millhiser, the famous John Millhiser, my old roommate, John Millhiser. And then his partner moved in with us in like May-ish. so it was like the three of us it was a nice time it was like really it was just nice it was easy um and then after the pandemic they were like we gotta go we need to be on our own we're like a couple we can't like and i fully you know respect that it's like yeah like go be your own entity you don't need me also it was like my house so i'd be like can we do this and i'd be like no can we do this uh no it was nice it was nice to have somebody but also now that i live by myself it's really nice yes i love love living alone yeah i sing to my dog it's just a nice time we we just came up with the treat song so we come in coming from from a walk and i go who wants a treat and then

i do his voice and he goes i want a treat and i go and it goes back and forth for a very long time and he just smiles and i'm like we're happy we're doing it but i do want somebody in my house sometimes the dogs love i think the dogs love when you sing to them though because i i well my ex-wife got the dogs or whatever which it hurts me a lot i love them i miss them so much i want them but i didn't want to fight so i'm like here take the dogs i get it but uh we we were singing a song to them called, and they loved it. They just thought, because this was the song we sung when it was time to go take a walk. And we were saying, I got eight paws, two tails. Eight paws, two tails.

And then they just stopped walking to the dogs. That's so fucking cute. I love that so much. When I was in Bahamas, I saw so many unhappy couples. It was wild. So we were at Atlantis. Atlantis is truly the wildest thing I've ever seen in my whole life. Have you ever been to Bahamas?

I have not. That's one of my destinations, though. Soon. But it was not for me it was very very beautiful i'll never go back but atlantis is this fucking monstrosity it is this huge resort and it's shaped like i guess the lost city of atlantis and atlantis isn't real so they have a bunch of like weird made-up hieroglyphics and stuff and a lot of it looks like people just gave up there's just like weird little scratches here and there but as i was walking we were like walking to something and this man with his very pointy nose and he was very sunburned he was like he

his wife was walking in front of him he was like he his wife was walking in front of him he was like here's a pool what fucking pool are you looking for and she was like fuck you and like gave him the finger and i was like on vacation in front of all these people this couldn't be me no no it was wild you that's a couple that's been together forever that's a couple that's just over it and they just together because fuck what else they gonna do now how they look oh you know they looked about 50 ish yeah they over each other they they no more pride for them they don't care how they look in public no more. The kids probably grown in college,

left, gone. They, they don't care no more. I couldn't believe it. I was like, what? And then,

uh, I saw him again and he was like alone by the towel stand. And I was like, did she leave him? Was that the final straw? You broke up at Atlantis? He probably looked so zen and happy. With Poseidon watching?

How happy did he look when he was over there by himself? He looked pretty serene, I gotta say. That's what I'm saying. Like, pretty like, hmm, hmm, this is nice. Yeah, I wonder if he had a cigarette in a deck on my tie while you were looking at him by himself. I just I couldn't do I just as much as I want a relationship. I'm like, I'm not trying to like have actual like heated arguments where other people are like, oh, my God, they hate each other. No, no.

I want cute little arguments. Yeah. We me and my girl, we do have a lot of cute, stupid arguments. Right. And so like so look, yesterday we didn't have an argument, but I was annoyed because we go into this shoe store to buy some shoes for her nephews and stuff. And the two, the couple, well, the employees behind the counter, they looked like they were together. Their chemistry was magnificent. They were beautiful beautiful and they were two beautiful people and i looked at them and i was like y'all together and they was like no no no no no so i started i started telling

no boy to you know mac up i'm like yeah look y'all look cute together bro you might as well go on you know i'm saying telling him to get in a relationship with her ex out you know because it was cute so then me and my girl we leave we walk out and then the first this one thing she always do is lose her phone i don't know how the fuck you keep losing the most important device in your life right so she get in the car and start doing shit all of it patting down her body and shit checking in her hair on shoulders all this shit and i'm like bruh what's wrong now bruh my phone oh my god my phone i was like all right i'm gonna go check on your damn phone now i'm pissed off it's freezing cold we in rhode island okay i gotta go in there i grabbed her stupid phone i told the boy i said you know what don't get in a relationship with that bitch i take it back because then you're

gonna have to keep getting out of cars to get her fucking phone just you know what it's annoying don't do what i said to do leave her alone stay her friend i changed my mind wait why did you go get her phone because that's just what i'm supposed to do you know i i i really don't believe in like the gender stuff you know what i'm saying like i'm like i'm the man and all of that i don't really technically believe in that but i am a traditional person and i have followed the way my father treated my mother so i feel if i'm gonna be the time boy the time man or whatever then i am gonna do the the uh the gentleman stuff i'm gonna open the doors i'm gonna take out the trash if you leave your phone i'm gonna fucking go back in the cold and get the phone you know i kind of feel like it's my job to do that so i try to take care of it i love that what a beautiful dream to sit in a car and be like

i don't have my phone and then someone goes grumble grumble grumble, grumble. And goes and gets it for me. And it's like, you still love me, right? I can't wait for it. That's exactly. As I was walking to the place to get it, I look back at her with this look on my face. Like, if you lose this phone one more time. And she had her shoulders all shrugged up and giving me the, just love me look. I was so annoyed.

Oh, my God. I can't wait to be someone's nuisance i really can't oh i just i'm like good at it you know hey everybody that's listening y'all are missing out on a fucking dope ass genius personality you're missing out gorgeous attitude personality y'all missing out you better stop playing you better stop playing and come get your soul mate wait real quick we have to take a break okay we're back punky i have a question okay so i heard a rumor that you that you love taco bell and you'll leave the snl after parties early for some taco bell true

what is your taco bell order it's so lame because everybody everybody found out about my taco bell or well everybody found out i love taco bell kept giving me all of this Taco Bell secret stuff. We should get this, this, this, this. I'm like, nah. I just get the Mexican pizza and the two soft tacos. Just lame. Wait. Say that again? Mexican pizza. Chicken instead of beef.

Extra Mexican pizza sauce. Add onions. Two soft tacos. Chicken instead of beef. add onions. Two soft tacos, chicken instead of beef, add onions. Interesting. No Crunchwrap Supreme? I'm not a fan of the crunchy taco.

It's not that crunchy. It's just in the middle. It's a little cute. Oh my God. No Chalupa? No, no. I'm so boring and simple when it comes down to food. I'm not like, that's why when people, like, I have a lot of friends that are chefs. And they be like, oh, I'm going to make you.

And I'm like, nah, I'll just, I'm good with chicken and green beans. Oh, my God. I wish I was like that. I'm just so simple. Because the way I was raised, like we, like in new Orleans, we ate the same food every week.

Like Monday, it was red beans and rice. Tuesdays, it was spaghetti and meatballs. Wednesday, it was, it was like cabbage Thursday, you know,

we just every day. And that's how we ate, you know, every week. And my family didn't really show me any exotic foods i didn't start understanding what none of that stuff was until i got to los angeles and expanded you know my palate but at the same time i'm like i don't really like my friends get so annoyed with me like my fancy friends because we'll go to like a nice italian restaurant when nothing is English and everything is like, uh, you know, anti-pastas.

I'm like, what the hell is an anti? And so you're like, I'm pro pasta. What is this? I'm just sitting up there and they come up and, and my friends are ordering all this fancy, like Italian noodle stuff.

And I'm like, look, y'all, y'all got meatballs. I just want some meatballs and tomato sauce. You got that? And then they get mad at me. Cause they're like, look, y'all got meatballs. I just want some meatballs and tomato sauce. You got that? And then they get mad at me because they're like, out of everything on this menu, you getting some damn meatballs?

I'm like... You like what you like. Who cares? Stop bringing me to these places. I'm never going to order nothing different. I mean, spaghetti and meatballs. They're very good. But it's interesting i went to rome

two years ago i don't know what pandemic has really robbed me of time it was 2019 i was in italy for new year's and i found out they're they don't eat spaghetti and meatballs the way we do you get a meatball but then you get a different pasta. Like you get like just meatballs, a side of meatballs with sauce. And then you get like a, like a cacio e pepe or something like that. Cacio e pepe. I'm not saying it right, but it's very good. So what was the weather like when you went to Rome for New Year's? Beautiful.

Really? Beautiful. It? Beautiful. It was like, I would say like 60, 70-ish. It was like, I needed a coat sometimes. Other times I didn't. And it was just, everyone there was so nice. The men kept calling me spicy. I didn't fuck nobody there either.

I have not had any international dick. And I think that is a shame and a sin. We got to get you. Even if I'm gay, and even I was sitting up here like, man, I might get me some international dick. To all my gay people, I did not just sell out. I'm just saying, if you go out there, these men, they are manipulating. They manipulate you with their eyes.

I just want things I just want men men to love me they so hot out there they were sexier than the women out there in Jamaica I was just like I thought so too in Bahamas I was like these men are prettier than these women

even in Puerto Rico I was like why y'all look better than the women but I gotta say in look better than the women? But like I said, in Bahamas, all the women had their hair done so well. Like nobody walked around with like a bonnet on. Nobody walked around with like a fucked up wig or weave. Everyone had their edges laid and everyone had nice lace fronts. I was like, where y'all getting them from?

Where can I get them from? For real. Don't get it twisted twisted the latest was beaten snatched it was beaten snatched okay there was and then everyone dressed really well like nobody was in jammies i did go to the continental breakfast at the comfort in my j. I had a time. We started off at the worst Airbnb I've ever been. It was disgusting. The staircase wasn't even finished. There were stains everywhere. And we were like, we gotta get out of here. Ooh, I

should tell you what the name of it is. Yeah. So nobody ever goes there. I'm scared of Airbnbs now. I'm never getting an Airbnb again in my life. I'm just gonna just bite the bullet and get a hotel. I'm scared of Airbnbs now I'm never getting an Airbnb again in my life I'm just gonna just bite the bullet and get a hotel I'm with you on that

because this was so expensive and then the listing was so beautiful it was the Caprice 8 Beach Villa and I'm an idiot it had one review and the review said very nice place but then I looked at the person who reviewed it and they're from the same city that their offices are located

So I was like they just had an employee right? This is a very nice place Wow I guess what it was not a very nice place. It was very bad and then my friend Christie's boyfriend's best friends cousin best friend's cousin who happened to live in Bahamas. He happened to live in Bahamas. He was like, oh, I know I work. He either knew someone

who worked at Comfort Suites or he worked there himself. I don't know, but he picked us up in his Volvo. We had our suitcases in our lap because it was a Volvo and we had so many suitcases, drove to the Comfort Suites

and then we were like ah cleaner than the airbnb if you could even imagine even imagine the comfort damn suites yep and then we ate breakfast some scrambled eggs and bacon in our pajamas and nobody else was in their pajamas everybody was dressed much much better than us this but i i can't say you know this was the first uh vacation i went on where i was like you know what i'm gonna dress nice the whole time so i for once in my life i didn't wear jammies to breakfast i didn't wear jammies to dinner i we i bought some nice i went i went to zara and racked up come on zara you gotta work with the zari right now zara be having some nice stuff that's it'd be like kind of expensive like sometimes zara be

way too expensive i'd be like zara zara who are you trying to stop it okay but at the end of the day it'd be really like you know it's better than like spending $800 on a blazer. When you could get the same blazer for like $120, you know. I do like Zara, but they do not have plus sizes. Zara, baby, what do the fats ever do to you? Zara, what's up? Because guess what? Zara!

The thickness got to look. Like I'll be talking to my girl. She'll be like, I got me a little, I love thick. So, and my girl, she's like, I'm just, you be talking to my girl she'd be like i because she i got me a little i love thick so and my girl she's like i'm just you know i gotta lose some of this so you ain't gotta lose a damn pound not a damn i mean people out there like to think look ladies if you out there in your feelings and you feel some type of way about just about the way you look i just want to let you know something they got people like me out here in these streets that are looking for you okay fuck everybody fuck that social media shit with what they say you post no however you look is how you post to look stay that way somebody wants you i agree hell yeah like i really hate it when people go, well, I just want you to be healthy.

What if I don't give a shit about being healthy? What if I'm fine the way I am and I really just don't mind? Thank you. That's my prerogative. And also being thick don't mean you ain't healthy. That too. It swings the other way. People got a lot to say about shit that they don't have nothing to do with.

And that's so interesting to me. I'm like, why? Why do you care? Why do you have an opinion? Yeah, everybody got an opinion. Do you know, like, you know what I think I'm gonna start doing on the internet? Sweet comment exchanges.

Because everybody is so mean to each other for no reason. So mean. But I just don't understand why, if you don't like something, why there's a better way of saying that you don't like it why do you have to be hurtful towards people it's so it sucks why do you have to tell anyone what you don't like yeah like it's so it it really like that's why i'm not on the internet a lot because i have this uh disease it's called pop off And I am not in a position to be popping off right now

because this is, you know, working at SNL is my first real corporate job. And you're very funny on it. The opportunities I do get, I try my best. So it's just like, I don't you know, I don't want to lose something by going off on one of these people but i saw the sweetest exchange under one of my posts and i really want to find these two people and like send them something nice right so i posted like a uh a clip of talking about like michael vick and him with that with blah blah blah michael vick and one of my fans said something of how she didn't appreciate the post. Wasn't nasty, wasn't filthy, nothing. It was just simply, this ain't for me, right?

And then this dude, he loved the bit. One of my other fans, he was like, this shit funny, man. And he tagged her and he's like, why would you say that? And the lady responded to him and said, honestly, this is one of my, honestly, like one of my maybe five favorite up and coming comedians. This specific bit just wasn't my taste. And he said, I understand. I was like, why can't people talk to people like that? It was beautiful.

It's so funny because it's so simple. And it was just like, nice. He didn't say, well, you're dumb because it's funny and you're stupid. And she didn't say, don't fucking talk to me. This was none of your business. It was none of that filthy stuff. And it's just so much easier. It's so much easier to be that way.

You know how much energy it take out you to be a bitch so much my mother used to say it takes more energy to frown than it does to smile and anytime i'm frowning about something i'm like i am tired i'm exerting actual energy and it's like i could just disassociate and smile yeah it could change your life man like well i think maybe last year was my my one of my resolutions was to wake up with a smile every day regardless if i was hurt sad depressed sick whatever i was just like every day i'm just gonna wake up with a smile and it's so crazy the difference it makes in the in your morning process you know because i'm super lazy i hate waking up for

anything i don't give a fuck you could be like punky i got you a million dollar deal but you gotta wake up every day at 5 a.m i'm still going to be pissed the money don't motivate me. I don't give a fuck. I want sleep. But I just, as soon as my alarm clock go off, I'll be like, motherfucker. And then I do this. And I'll be like, and it just, for some strange reason, I don't know if it's a mental thing or if it's mind over matter or if it's really a thing that works. But I smile, and I get up, and I start my day. Happily. Maybe I'll start doing that today, because I was like, 2023, Nicole gets up early. Because if you let me sleep till noon, one, two, three, I will. And then I'll stay up till four, five.

It's terrible. Then I'm like a little vampire. So today, I naturally woke up at eight and I was like, well, what if I just sleep till nine 45? And I was like, what if you just lay in bed till nine 45 and then get up at nine 45? Cause if you fall back asleep,

you're just going to be groggy and then be like, well, what if I sleep a little bit more? And then that's what I did. And then I took my dog on one of like the longest walks he's had this year so far. And I was like, you know what? I. And then I took my dog on one of the longest walks he's had this year so far. And I was like, you know what?

I have energy and I feel good. Another thing I'm trying to do. Punky. What? It's so hard. What? I'm trying to quit smoking again. Oh, you know, that's a tough one. That's a tough one.

Like, I did stop smoking. It was very hard for me to do. Like, I did stop smoking. It was very hard for me to do. I think I stopped smoking because I started, I think a couple years back, I started CrossFit. I think that's why I started stopped, because I was dying in CrossFit. I could not breathe. So I was just like, maybe I should stop smoking.

And it was easier said than done. But I also had to replace it with stuff what did you replace it with um food so it didn't matter that i was in crossfit i was still but i was always shaky without smoking oh you know what my dad uh my dad had a heart attack. I think that's what really sealed the deal. He survived, thank God. But I think that's what really was like, nah. I like, I can go days without smoking. I was in the Bahamas.

I was in the Bahamas for like seven days. Didn't have a cigarette. Didn't want one. Had a nice time. Got back home and I was like, yum, yum, yum. I still have a couple left from that pack. And then I was like,

I don't really like this anymore. But then I had two yesterday. I haven't had one today. But I think after this pack, I'm just going to be like, you don't do this anymore. And you don't like it. Right.

I'll trick myself. You know, see, I have a food problem. I love food. And I have to start tricking myself. You know, I have to start saying things like, you know, you're going to be disappointed. And one thing I can't be is disappointed in myself. If I get disappointed in myself, I get so down. I get so depressed. I'm like, you know what? I'll tell myself, if you eat eat this you're going to be disappointed and that sometimes that helps sometimes I'll be like nope and then I'll wake up I'll be like yeah food I defeated you fried chicken bitch you don't run me ho and and but sometimes I fail and then I wake up and then I'm all slouchy and I'm like you stupid uncontrollable bitch and you know I don't want to talk to myself like that be nice to my friend punky I have to try to be nice so now I'm just trying to have more control like this well you know what it ain't my fault because see when you get in these new relationships this is why this is another reason why you don't need to be in a relationship okay because when

you get in these new relationships you get lazy i'm getting this whole couple years these two years i don't put on 27 pounds okay and everybody like we don't see it we'll see i'm like why you think i always got on black okay and you don't see it because i make sure i wear big fluffy shirts so you don't see how my back looks. And when I'm in them stupid dresses at SNL, I make sure my girdle is tight as hell to where my organs are probably leaking juice. So, yeah. But this year, I'm like, you know what? I'm not doing it no more. I'm going back to my regular self.

I have to lose all this weight that I've gained. My titties, Dave, I'm like, you know what? I'm not doing it no more. I'm going back to my regular self. I have to lose all this weight that I've gained. My titties, Dave, I promise you, my titties probably grew the most. Now, I thought your titties could stop growing. No, they can keep growing. D's, D's. You know what? I said that right. D's, D's.

D, D. I know that they have to be a double D right now. I'm angry. I don't even know what that's like. be a double D right now. I'm angry. I don't even know what that's like. I have B cups. I got little titties when I lay down. They say goodbye. And my titties say hi.

They be up on my neck. I don't know that life. It seems rather painful to be choked out by your own titties. It is painful. But I'm about to have some of them removed, though. I'm about to get a reduction. Because, just because, you know, I like to box. And when I'm boxing, it hurts really, really bad.

Because it's a lot of jumping. It seems like, yeah. Like, whenever I see a big titty lady running, I'm like, boy, oh boy, doesn't that fucking hurt your chest and your back and your neck? It hurts. It hurts. And it's starting to strain my back a little bit. I'm like, nah, we're going to take care of some of these titties. We're going to take care of some of them. Scoop them out. Okay. Have you ever been on dating apps or you just got divorced? Oh, no, you said you had a hoe phase so like have you been on the apps and stuff i did do a couple dating apps um i stopped i met this girl i'm just gonna let's call her um let's call her juanita juanita let's call her juanita and uh she was really nice at first. And we had a time, okay?

Like, I don't know. I felt like cooking one day, so I made some box macaroni, baked chicken, green canapes. You know, just, in New Orleans, we call that a supper. It's something that, your supper is,

that's something they'll serve after church on Sundays. Chicken, peas peas and macaroni and cheese and she was like oh this is delicious you know so and then we you know of course got physical and filthy with each other and then we went out the next day we had a good time and then the next day she wanted to go out again but I was at work and I'm like I'm sorry boo I can't come out I gotta work tonight I don't get off till two o'clock and she was like what you don't like me you don't want me you have to come out you have to come out if you don't come out I'm gonna die oh no did you go out no did she die I don't know

because I never talked to the bitch again I'm bitch, that was the fastest ghost I ever did in my life. You are blocked. You crazy bitch. Yeah. Sometimes it's hard not to be crazy. But I don't think I've ever done that. I've never, like, screamed at someone to hang out with me. Well, also, I'm just like, girl, I am not worth it.

Yes, you are. Girl, I am a piece of shit i'm toxic as hell well not anymore but at the time i'm like i am toxic girl i'm a piece of shit right now you don't want me okay but i was just like but when you date on these you know like now i think with raya i think it's different because it's you know it's for us you know what i now I think with Raya, I think it's different because it's, you know, it's for us. You know what I'm saying? And you got to be recommended for that site. I think that that is safer and different.

So if I wouldn't have, it's not? It's not. Really? Are you serious? It's bad too. Wait, tell me about it. Well, it's just depressing. So I was like, well, there's a feature that lets you know who likes you.

I was like, I'll pay for that. You're just paying for your feelings to get hurt if you are not a model. Because let me tell you, the amount of people and the people who do like you are not the people who you're into. It's very sad i was swiping this morning and i found uh this man and he said own multiple businesses six foot hit planes like cabs and don't fuck with anything average i was like okay lorenzo then why are you on Tinder? This is the most average dating app known to man, Lorenzo. Also, we didn't match, so I guess I'm a little salty about that. And then, wait, let me see if I can find another one.

They're all awful, awful, awful, awful. Please, no prostitutes. Also, being a self-proclaimed smart ass or sarcastic is an equality trait boy oh boy he's looking for friends with benefits he is a lot of the men are they're being a real demanding he's a fuck boy that's what he is yes the friends with benefits you know i have a lot of friends that uh did dating apps right and i can give you stories about them they're the ones who scared me about the dating apps you know but like i said i'm so glad i met this woman because she took me off the street because i've all i've never been

the i hate i always hate the streets i've never been the street in the streets before like that um but my friends have and man she told me like the people like the guys that you meet online they're jackrabbits like they just get an angle bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang they don't know how to go bang bang bang they just get in there and just start going and you like okay okay let's take it down a notch. Yeah. I went on a date and ended up hooking up with a dude and truly was a little jackrabbit. And I was like, can you go a little slower? And truly I was like, oh, selective hearing. Okay.

And then he ate me out for like 30 seconds and he was like, suck my dick. And I was like, yeah, sure. Okay, for 30 seconds. Yeah. Because I'm not doing more than you did for me that's not that's not what we're here for no i just i truly haven't been on a good date in such a long time i have been out with just the worst of the worst there

was i talked about him before this one man he was six pumpkins high he was so tiny he in his profile he looked bigger but i was like what he rubbed my tummy when we made out and that was very strange because i was like i'm not a genie i'm not a little buddha i'm not i'm you can't rub me like that that was weird i just i want to meet somebody and i say this a lot before dates i truly and i'm not a religious person but I look up to the heavens and I go dear God I do not want another story I just want to meet someone nice and have a nice time and a normal time and then have nothing to report other than they were nice yeah I I just yeah dating is you know at the end of the day I I feel like in dating, your person is probably right under your nose.

Are you going out a lot? Like, not even out on dates. Are you, like, going to the grocery store? Are you going to coffee shops? Are you going to comedy shows? Like, you got to get out there. Are you going outside? I know.

I know. No, I work. And then, well, sometimes I'll get, like, wine or drinks after work. you gotta get out there are you going outside i know i know no i work and then well sometimes i'll get like wine or drinks after work i'll go to dinner with friends but i'm not like going to clubs and shit i'm just too old for that shit no clubs god no god no i go out enough yeah just i just think you gotta go outside and like all the guys like and give a guy who you my advice i hate advice i'm not telling you what to do i'm just saying like you know the guy that you probably would never date they see what they're about you know what i'm saying see what they're about because the chick i got right now like she is half black black Puerto Rican and she got some attitude on.

And I love, I love it. I love it. I love it. She's very different from anything that I've met. Uh, ask for in every, and I love every bit about it.

I'm so happy, which is so crazy. Don't get it twisted. You know, I'm not about to sit up here and sell a dream. Like we got our issues and we work through, you know know i'm not saying it's all peaches and lucky fucking charms 24 7 we got our shit but at the same time that list went out the window it's this i was just like fuck the list fuck it i think. Oh, wait. We have to take another break.

We're back. I think you're right about the lists. I think, like, I gotta just, like, I don't know. Everyone's always like, it happens when you're not looking. But I'm like, but I'm constantly looking. So I guess it's going to be like when you're looking stupid. You know what I'm saying? Like, it's going to be the second you stop looking.

And you know how you get caught in the back of somebody's picture and they look cute. And you in a picture like probably like you probably caught like that. Like you probably that's what and then somebody gonna be like, hi. And you caught like that like you you probably that's and then somebody gonna be like hi and you're gonna be like hi and you're gonna you're gonna look a mess okay so your advice is to stop doing my hair and makeup go out in public and while i look sloppy and messy someone's gonna go i want that mess if you want to be honest hell yeah because what what is going on outside all right do you want to know like the biggest fear of like really really getting out of my marriage so it's all the makeup that people put on their faces to I was scared to wake up the next

day and see the real person because I've seen these tutorials where they these people can they have the power to change their entire existence with the with the with the fucking cut with color and a brush. And it is very, very scary. That's me. I'm always like, when do I reveal my true face to this man? But no, like you don't. No, no, no. You still look like yourself when you have makeup on. That's one thing of makeup and then a big ass like this is just a whole new face, you know. And I was blessed. Like my girl, she don't wear no makeup, you know, at all, like zero. She had like this beautiful, creamy Puerto Rican skin.

You know, not one thing. Not one thing. Like I said, like this was on my list. Like I need a woman with style. But, you know, she Puerto Rican. That's out the window. She Puerto Rican. I don't mean nothing to my Puerto Rican brothers and sisters.

I'm just sitting up here. I am living in proof that we got to get her some help. sitting up here i am i am living in proof that something we got to get her some help i'm just like bro i ain't going to last night we was going out we had date night last night and she had on like this nice like uh peanut butter dress not it wasn't peanut but it was like a nice like almost burgundy dress and she put a black coat on and it was it was nice i'm like all right cool i can do this this is good the color scheme great. And then I turn my back for one second and then I turned around and she had these tan peanut buttery gloves on with it, with puff cuffs. I'm like, first of all, it is 50 degrees outside. We don't need all of that right now. Take that shit off. side we don't need all of that right now take that shit off so i kind of gotta get on her about you know what she'll be wearing because she she'll put the colors together i'm like babe what what

what's i'm gonna be out wearing colors you wouldn't even believe what the girl with that i said what's she saying purple peach and pink huh i know yeah don't even be see if you gotta sit up there and try to imagine and put it to now if i say something if i say something like blue and gray you'll be like oh blue and gray is not bad you you could have an answer you didn't have an answer for that no i really didn't because peach and pink are so similar and then what shade of purple are we doing with it like oh she's funny i like her a bunch i'm telling you didn't look nothing i had to i had to throw the list out the window i'm like you know what i'm gonna deal with your feet i'm gonna deal with the wigs and i'm gonna deal with your ass not knowing what the way outside um i love that

because it's not about that you know what i'm saying saying? It's not, you know, it took me a long time to realize it ain't about none of that. It ain't about skin color. It ain't about your hair. It ain't about that. Her soul is pure. You know, she's a good woman. She has a great family. She has 23 nieces and nephews.

She takes care of them. She spends all her money on those children. Instead of going to the club, she with them at one of them children places where they jump on the trampolines and shit. Like she's just, she's a heart of gold gonna get me over all of that shit any day. That's so sweet.

You know, so if I can match her soul energy, then we good. Like I'm winning here. You feel me? Yeah. I like the way you talk about her. It's so lovely. She taught me all of that.

And therapy, you know, but I wasn't like that before. You know, I've completely did. I've changed all she taught me. It was on the inside. She also taught me how to be in a relationship because she has no expectations. She's like, this is what I need. She doesn't expect for me to know anything. She tells me what she needs. And then if i don't do it then we have a problem but she don't be she don't do that stuff well oh i'm about to test her we about to test i don't she don't test me because i'm a fail i'm a fail you know i i am dumb okay like you have to tell someone how you feel yeah Yeah, you can't do that with me.

You know, like I do my best like with my, while watching what my dad did. You know what I'm saying? But my dad was, my dad is also not a very expressive man. Like he doesn't really communicate. And I don't think a lot of men do. They just, they just do the man stuff that the Bible say to do. They don't really know how to express their feelings and stuff like that. So I'm like that as well.

So I don't never talk or say how i feel but she got me breaking down and saying what's going on in my mind and shit i'm like sometimes i get to know i'm gonna get out of here with all that talking shit girl you know i'm if i'm here i'm then we good but she wants to get on inside so you know it's fun learning it it's fun learning how to love somebody it's fun I'm having fun so if you out there guys y'all and you in something crazy and you're scared to get out of it get out of it man just go learn and love again and have a good time

and yeah that's sweet Punky we've come to the end and I ask all my guests this except for a couple of them would you date me yes I didn't even have to think about that absolutely i love it punky thank you is there anything that you want to promote

um so just watch snl i ain't got nothing going on in my life but with all but i i am going to be doing um i am working on getting my special out this year, guys. So I will be doing my one hour special at Moon Tower. It's going to be my first time doing the real set, all of it. So all the shows that y'all been coming to all year, where I was probably bombing and messing up and doing all kinds, it's put together now. So thank you for your patience. Come to Moon Tower, check out the hour. And I also got a podcast coming out soon.

It's going to be called Love Thing. I don't know the deets on that but it's in the future that's exciting and moon tower is in austin right yes yes it's uh what are the dates do you know if i'm not mistaken it's april 19th through the 23rd okay do you have a website um no but i do have a link tree if you jump on my uh on instagram my insta yeah yeah hop on my link tree and don't nothing be going on because i because snl consumes my entire life but when i do i do update it uh when things come so y'all just bear with me stay patient i'm just getting started out here and you know there's more to come okay punky thank you so much for being here this was delightful it was also if you like this episode

of why won't you date me you can like it you could rate it you can subscribe on apple podcast if you write me something hitting on me to why won't you date me podcast at gmail.com mars my producer reads it so no dick pics but if you read if you write me something nasty i will read it hi nicole you've had such a rough go of it on dating apps. To get back at all of them, I'll pick you up in a helicopter and fly you to the headquarters of each app, land on the roof, and fuck you. I'll twiddle your titties at Tinder,

hit that ass at Hinge, rail you at Raya. I'll even make you come so violently on the roof of Coffee Meets Bagel that you magically win all the beans and they have to shut down that stupid app. That was very kind. and that was sweet. Wasn't super nasty, but I liked it.

I loved it. Bye-bye. Bye. That's it for Why Won't You Date Me? With me, Nicole Byer. Why Won't You Date Me? is produced and engineered by, oh, the sweetest woman I know, Marissa Melnick.

It is executive produced by other wonderful people, Adam Sachs, Joanna Solotaroff, and Jeff Ross. Thanks for listening. I love you. Thank you so much. We'll be seeing you next Friday with a brand new episode. What a dream. What a dream.

Ha, ha, ha. this has been a team coco production